#i'm so very fucking gay for this man it isn't fair

[fictionallyinparadise]

Starts banging my fists on the ground......I JUST WANT TO CURL INTO SILCO'S LAP AND LOOK PRETTY

[itsclydebitches]

We've all rightly been gushing over Trent listening in on the parent-teacher conference and there are a lot of cool interpretations for why he'd eavesdrop: a crush on Ted, a tendency towards gossip (as seen in "International Break"), the fact that you just can't take the journalism out of the boy, Trent is clearly picking up personal tidbits for the book if the group's initial "Don't print that" worries are any indication, etc. So yeah, it's clear why he'd want/be okay with the door staying open.

Meanwhile, I'm slightly feral over Ted letting the door stay open and what that conveys to Trent.

Based on what we've picked up about his personal life and the direction of this season, we have good reason to believe that Trent was a deeply isolated man prior to Ted arriving. His job makes enemies simply by virtue of the profession itself, especially when you "bring the heat" as hard as he did. Roy flipping the press off at the gala in Season 1 and Nate sneaking out at dark this last episode shows us how journalists are treated on the regular: ignored, dismissed, told to "fuck off" as a matter of course. That's often well deserved, as Roy's two personal stories (Trent's article about him + the response to Isaac's attack) attest, but the end result is still a profession that alienates you from anyone other than your peers. When you're a "colossal prick" in your articles, people hate you all the more.

So Trent at least has other journalist buddies, yeah? Well, not that we've seen. I always think back to that chorus of "--The Independent" in the press room when everyone knew what Trent was going to say and how it... wasn't entirely fun ribbing. I think there's a fair bit of mockery there. Even if others disagree, I doubt that was received well by someone who wears their professionalism as an armor, who takes off his glasses as soon as they're complimented, who was, notably, closeted into his 40s. Trent is a man who is deeply aware of how others perceive him (pointing out his "vibe" feels quite calculated now: highlight what you want people to notice rather than waiting for them to find something on their own) and he is likely to read the worst of most interactions. Cue his shocked, "You really mean that, don't you?" when faced with someone like Ted who is not only genuinely nice, but blunt about it in a way that Trent can't misunderstand, or brush off via denial.

What's his home life like? Married to a woman when he's gay and that's putting a serious strain on them both. He tries to come out and isn't believed. The only other family members we know about are a toddler (who, while lovely I'm sure, can't provide Trent with the kind of emotional support an adult needs) and a father who, if we read the series through Lance's headcanons, may not have been very supportive of his son. Who else does Trent know? Uhhh... other subjects who hate him? Owners like Rebecca who want to use him? A random, potential date that he felt so little for he ditched to get a quote?

(EDIT: I can't believe I forgot to mention the strong implications that Ted was bullied in childhood/as a teenager, based on how he reacts to the whole of the club ignoring him -- resigned but unsurprised -- his reaction to Roy telling him to fuck off after he tries to mend that relationship -- disappointedly awkward "I can't believe I even tried that. What was I thinking?" -- and his body language during the locker room scene -- jumping, furtive glances towards Ted, backed up against the shower stall because shit, he's been in this situation before.

So uh, yeah. Trent may not have had a lot of friends growing up either! That was not the response of a social butterfly, but rather someone who is already very used to being ignored/dismissed/cursed out/threatened, not just within his profession, but within the school-like atmosphere of Richmond's family too.)

I'm by no means reinventing the meta wheel here, but Trent has truly undergone a STAGGERING transformation in Season 3 and the result of that is the reframing of his Season 1 and 2 scenes as, frankly, more depressing than they originally seemed. Seeing him now smiling, singing, gossiping, dressing just in t-shirts, casually snacking, making jokes, letting go enough to be a complete, hyperactive "dork" in front of others... it just hammers home how deeply unhappy Trent was before. How closed off. How closeted--in more ways than one.

So what must it mean to someone like Trent for Ted to leave the door open?

It's not just an open invitation towards community--sit near me, listen in, quietly participate, there's literally no barrier between us--but a staggeringly personal one too. I don't care if a 10-ish year old failing science is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, the fact remains that letting anyone hear a parent-teacher conference with your ex is a hell of a show of trust. That would mean a lot to Trent in general, this acknowledgement that someone trusts the ex-prick journalist with that amount of personal information, but Ted in particular? Oh boy. Ted is the one Trent betrayed with that article! And yeah, Ted forgave him the instant he learned of it, but Trent himself was obviously feeling a lot of guilt, hence him burning his source and orchestrating a firing. Toss in the fact that Ted, despite being a VERY open man on the regular (I still laugh at his "I don't mind" to Rebecca when over-sharing about Michelle) has in fact denied Trent information in the past. No, I won't tell you that was a panic attack. Yes, I will continue the lie that it was food poisoning. Perhaps for Ted it was less about Trent knowing and more about anyone getting at the truth, but at the end of the day it amounts to the same: there was a time when Ted did not fully trust him and Trent justified that fear by writing the very article Ted was looking to avoid, even if Trent approached that situation with as much grace as he could.

So this moment, beyond the humor, just makes my brain go !!!!!! for Trent. Ted Lasso, of all people, has left the door open for Trent Crimm, also of all people, to hear the messy details of his, Henry, and Michelle's life. He is not at all afraid that this information will be spun in a bad light--Local Gaffer's Son Suffers While Father Plays at Coach Across the Pond--despite the fact that Trent is actively writing a book about him. Trent himself is so unguarded in this moment, dressed only in a t-shirt, playing around with his orange, making little quips. The Trent of Season 1 would NEVER. I mean, I think we see small glimpses of the real Trent back then, especially when Ted amuses him enough to coax his guard down for half a second (Trent's reaction to “Make like Dunst and Union and bring it on, baby!" comes to mind. That's a gesture we're seeing a lot now that he's comfortable around the club), but on the whole he was still so, so, so isolated. No one knew the real him: gay, funny, dorky, inquisitive, longing for companionship and using the artificial 'closeness' of journalism to cover that ache up.

Now? Trent is fully a part of the Richmond community and he knows he's a part of it because everyone--Ted, Beard, Roy, Colin, Rebecca--are going out of their way to tell him that, notably in very overt ways. Trent strikes me as someone who wouldn't fully believe it when he's told someone enjoys his company; the kind of wounded, anxiety-prone person who, if casually invited to participate, would assume they're just being polite and he'd actually be an annoyance to them. Trent needs overt, obvious, beat-you-over-the-head-with-it reassurance, which is why Ted is so very good for him because Ted is composed of THE most over-the-top positivity you've ever seen. (Compare that need of Trent's to Michelle thinking that Ted is too much...) When faced with a defensive journalist Ted says explicitly that he liked spending time with Trent. When faced with a still unsure writer who thinks of himself only as an observer--never a part of the team himself--Ted literally begs with monkey noises to hear Trent's opinions. He's blunt to the point of absurdity and someone like Trent who has likely spent the majority of his life hiding/being told that his true self is inadequate needs that level of constant, neon-light reassurance.

So Ted leaves the door open to a personal conversation, refusing to literally bar Trent from his life. The best part? Colin re-opens the door because he understands Trent and he knows his coach; of course Ted wants him included. Colin asks permission to CLOSE the door, not open it, and Trent is seeing this openness again and again over the course of several months, with each episode bringing him further out of his shell as he slowly unlearns that self-doubt. Yes, please stay, please tell us what you think, please offer your advice, please join our Diamond Dogs, please ask us questions (they're no longer perceived as a threat), please become an integral part of our lives. We trust you and we like you and we want you here.

Everyone's waiting for Trent to catch the door again because, you know, the rule of three, but what if he doesn't need to? What if he's past slipping a hand or a foot through the crack and scraping by on what that gets him? He caught the door before it could close to get closer to Colin. He caught the door before it could close to get closer to Ted. Now they've both kept the door open for him, his presence welcomed from the get-go.

Trent doesn't need to sprint for that opening anymore.

[meanbossart]

DU drow asks time

Lore questions/sweet messages/stuff that made me laugh that's about DU drow specifically that I decided to compile in a single post!

First of all, "outraged to be used as a medium for old man gay divorce" is a hysterical sentence LOL

As for his thoughts on the Ansur debacle? Negative ones. He hates the emperor, he doesn't care about his third-time-twist real identity, he doesn't particularly care about Wyll either (well - he kind of finds him entertaining, he's kind of really frustrated by him, it's complicated) but he saved his dad on a whim to spite Mizora anyway. BUT HEY, all that trouble would have been worthwhile if he's about to get an ancient dragon fighting alongside him - this old duke sounds a little too confident in this fairy tale, but stranger things have happened, right?

Then the situation unfolds as it does, and if he wasn't eager enough to use that orphic hammer before, he certainly is now. There is very little that the Emperor does past Act 3 that DU drow doesn't find a way to twist into something that confirms his resolve against him. If he could have taken Ansur's side in that fight, he would have - not that he shed any tears over killing him either.

Sick sword though, that helped soothe his nerves a bit and I'm sure spared everyone a little bit of a tantrum at camp later.

HAHAHAHA I can't confirm nor deny because I see so few large body-type elves as it is (which is fair, elves aren't usually... That massive). I did set age to 50% because it does look a little weird when it's all smooth. Maybe that's the trick?

Though I guess if you find it unsettling, then... No wonder it suits him! however this just looks like an impressively handsome fella to me, to be honest. I insist on fucking him up further whenever I draw him for that reason.

Thank you so much for following along and for giving the fic a try!!! And no worries, english isn't my native tongue either so I've been there 😎👍

I do actually have a couple of very short comics planned that take place pre-tadpole, but my backlog of WIPs is... Massive. Not to mention the commission work I do (currently not taking any more). I have one that's about his first interaction with Orin and another about a business dinner with Gortash gone-wrong, but I have no clue when I'll be able to work on them. Hopefully soon though!

You know, I've always hoped that after I died I'd be remembered as the guy who inspired others to make their nipples card-swipe-able.

Joke's aside, thank you LOL I love that my guys' nips have taken up non-insignificant room in your mind, it's always comforting to know that you aren't the only one.

Piercings and the such aren't really his style though. While he finds his scar-work weirdly comforting, he isn't so interested in aesthetic results as much as he just enjoys having pain inflicted upon him in a controlled environment, by people that he loves - He doesn't recall this post-tadpole, but the scars were a result of a kind of... Recurring ritual between himself and Orin that served to replace normal intimacy, pretty much.

Since you touched on it though, I do like to believe that Astarion finds his cut-up body fun, both on the eyes and on the hands LOL.

I'm starting to think you guys are all in on this. It's like the fifth time someone catches me in the act - god damn it, is it that obvious that I wanna slide down Peter Steele's cold corpse like he's a a ride at the Magical Ice kingdom... Which is to say, yes, both the guy and his music are not-so-lowkey a big inspiration behind a lot of DU drow's characterization!

That's all for now folks, thank you so much for the asks!!! This isn't all of them but I try not to spam people's feeds when I can help it/space them out. I see all of your messages and I guarantee you that if I have an interesting answer for them, you will see a reply eventually!

[vendettasfanfictioning]

The Nightmare of Zoldyck (Musical) was gay as fuck and here's why you should watch it.

Bingeing The Nightmare of Zoldyck reminds me just. Just how fucking gay it was??????? And this was made almost 11 years ago???? And it's just so insane and surreal to me?????? They could've added any sort of twist to the Zoldyck Arc and yet the twist they chose was 🌈🏳️‍🌈??? In all fairness, they did also add Hisoka so maybe that's just how it is lmao

Now you may think I'm joking or being delusional—but no I swear THEY MADE IT GAY AS FUCK OK. IT'S ACTUALLY AMAZING

First, we have the obvious; the adorable, blossoming friendship between Gon and Killua. The very reason this arc exists is because Gon refused to let Illumi's teachings corrupt Killua's self-esteem. It's so, so, so touching in the manga and both anime adaptations, but in the musical they just... The songs just made it come off more romantic?

I'm biased, I love the friends-to-lovers development these two undergo, but I swear, take the shipping goggles off and it's still has a subtle if not in-your-face obvious, romantic tone.

Why? First, the presentation. The Zoldycks are introduced by Milluki through song. They each get lines which are backed up by epic music and stage effects, come together for the iconic chant of, "Zoldyck," before ultimately gathering around and sitting down.

Kalluto, Kikyo, Illumi, Silva, Milluki, and Zeno have a family meeting while Killua's hung above them, representing where he is in the dungeon, and right off the bat, you get hit with "forbidden romance" vibes.

The family talks about what Killua did, what he said, while Killua sings about how he doesn't want to inherit his dad's position. HE ALSO SINGS THIS LINE WHICH IS SO?????

And he sings a little after Illumi visits him in the dungeon and, y'know, messes with his head even more. He writes a letter of sorts to Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio, telling them they should go to protect them from Illumi and he just sounds SO heartbroken...

Then we skip forward, this is after the gang has won Gotou's approval. Gon writes a letter, and it's so fucking sweet because it's basically him saying look. Look at Zebro, Gotou, Canary, these people who care for you, who love you. You're not alone, we understand your feelings, ok? AND THIS PANEL IN PARTICULAR IS SO RAPUNZEL SO ROMEO AND JULIET IDK

And that super serious discussion between Killua and Silva? He gushes about Gon a lot, and they really took some liberties with Silva because this man keeps grinning like he knows his son's got a crush.

And of course Gon's not gonna back down. Canary asks how their Young Master Killua was like, outside Kukuroo Mountain, and... just look.

I'm not gonna include every damn time they sing together but when they finally meet? They're so. so happy. I can't.

And there's this scene after the party (yes they have a goodbye party of sorts for Killua) where Killua thanks Gon for coming to get him and Gon says ofc we're friends and they play around and they're so happy together...

Look at them they ded

There's also this moment when it all goes to shit and THIS SONG SLAPS Gon metaphorically slaps Killua out of it too but just. Just listen to it, it made me cry

And since this happens right after the Hunter's Exam, Kurapika and Leorio are still a bit wary of Killua, so while Gon's ecstatic and unwavering about being Killua's friend, the other two sort of bond in the sidelines as well?

Take this shot of leopika dancing. It's short and sweet and they're so stupid but they're at least getting along!!!

I forgot they bickered a lot, especially during the Hunter's Exam, but now look at them. This isn't the gayest part though, because Leorio finds out there's a hot spring in the Zoldyck mansion... and... yeah... I'll let y'all watch this scene for yourselves but uh, stuff happens and I fucking screamed is all

LIKE LOOK THESE MFS END UP STAR GAZING TOO COME ON

They also share a bit in the end where Gon sniffs Zebro??? And he says that Zebro has a similar scent to Leorio??? And leopika turn to each other and go:

LIKE HELLO?? HELLOOOOO???

And of course, I saved the murder husbands for last. While the gang have their fun, we would sometimes cut to black and these two would be shown, scheming in the dark and talking about their own plans.

They be dropping some bomb ass dialogues tho

AND APPARENTLY ILLUMI GAVE HISOKA A TOUR LMAO

Mind you, there is no fucking explanation as to why Hisoka's there. His narrative purpose is ofc to sow chaos and stir trouble, look out for Gon or whatever, but why is he here specifically in the Zoldyck Estate is never stated. BUT he does refer to it as a vacation. Twice.

Like sure this is just him being a little shit but COME ON. If Illumi really didn't want him there, he'd have chased Hisoka out, swatting him with a broom while at it. But no. They scheme in the dark and Illumi shows him around and Hisoka says it's a vacation. Wonder who could've invited him.......

This interaction also happens. And I will only be thinking about this for the foreseeable future.

HISOKA CHASES AFTER HIM OFFSCREEN IT'S KINDA CUTE AND ALSO RUINING MY LIFE????

Insane that the killugon heart-to-heart, leopika hot spring moment, and hisoillu bickering happen back to back to back. They're all paired off. The way they switch the audience's perspective actually really satisfying. Each couple gets their alone time and it's like seeing the different stages of a relationship. INSANE and HELLA GAY

And, of course, the heart of the cards—easily one of the most iconic lines Hisoka's said, which is, coincidentally, the point of conflict of the entire musical

While Killua's fighting for his life, here's the magician who's basically getting everything he's ever wanted served on a silver platter. This mf is so happy he got to fight Illumi's family lmaoooo

AND HE SAYS IT TWICE!!!!

ONLY FOR MAMA ZOLDYCK TO MIC DROP WITH THIS IN THE END

I just. I love this musical so much. It used to be my comfort watch when I first got into HxH, and while I joke about how fucking gay it turned out to feel (I'm being serious about it though) I do think it's a great production.

The actors did amazing, the dance/fight sequences and the dialogue were so well done, and it just added so much depth to the Zoldycks, y'know? I do wish Alluka was here, but we all know why she's not... That would've been so fun though.

Anyways, if I've convinced you, then you can watch it here!!!

[thedevilsoftruth]

Here's some fucking Marc Spector hcs or whatever tf because I'm crazy.

New wave girlie. Mfs theme song in The Midnight Mission was literally The Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen. You can't look at him and tell me he isn't in the shower and screaming the lyrics to Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode.

Played the drums for a little bit. He needed a new hobby to distract himself but he could never get into it.

Mf does not trim his beard or cut his hair. Steven has to do it because Jake isn't any better at shaving either. " Ah, the ladies love it " he says as an excuse.

" Steven I need a new suit, please help. "

Please don't call him. My bro does NOT like being called. Just text him, mf 😭

Ear gauges. Because I said so. He has an eyebrow slit, so he needs ear gauges to go with it.

After Marc began seeing Khonshu when he was 12, he began slowly becoming more hostile to people at school. Especially in 8th grade. he got into a lot of fights with people and kind of ruined his reputation for a bit until he got into high school. His parents had to change districts.

Hairy ass mf legs. My man is a monster when he's in control of the body because his body hair grows back like... Really quick and he doesn't want to do anything about it.

He did taekwondo when he was 8-13. (No, this is not me self inserting)

He loves cats. One time after a really big fight, he sat by a dumpster and called Frenchie to come get him and help patch him up, but a really fat calico with a few fresh scratch marks came and sat next to him, and he adopted it. Frenchie was really confused when they got in the car. " Who's the cat? " " His name is Frank. " Poor franks white fur was covered in his own blood and Marcs. Looks like Marc wasn't the only one getting patched up that night.

One of his dream occupations when he was a kid was to be an areospace engineer.

Used to have baseball days with his dad. They'd watch games together at restaurants n stuff.

Thriller movie guy.

Khonshu decided to punish him and strip him away of some of his powers because Marc refused to do a mission and finally expressed to him about how he felt abused, so when he went into the dangerous mission, he came out partially blind.

His first car was a Ford f150.

Hates California. Hates Texas even more.

Eats lucky charms for breakfast, even as a 38 year old man.

" Steven why the fuck do you need apple airpods and how does this benefit killing Scarlet Scarab? "

He has a habit of catching things that fall with his feet. One time Marlene dropped a knife when they were cooking dinner together and he tried to catch it with his foot and um... Blood was shed.

Went on a double date to the state fair with Marlene and Frenchie & Rob. made Frenchie take all the pictures and carry their food, Marc threw up on grass after going on a dinosaur ride for shits and giggles. Also because he ate too many doughnuts. He loves doughnuts, man. They also went and watched a duck race and Marc participated and let one of the ducks go and his duck won. He was very excited about getting a smiley face sticker and a rubber duck. He gave Marlene the rubber duck.

He is absolutely bisexual, I don't care what you say. You can't look at him and Frenchie ( and the punisher ) and tell me they weren't at least a little gay for each other.

[crimeronan]

can i ask what amity’s canon deal is?

just read the fragile facade you show to me

oh for sure!! this question Delights me. i actually tried to rein this infodump in but as you can see it got kind of long. obviously spoilers for the whole of toh ahead

canon amity is introduced as an overachieving school bully who is incredibly nasty to luz's first friend in the demon realm, willow. she's being mentored by lilith, who leads the emperor's coven, and is on the path to join + lead the emperor's coven herself someday. this would mean having immense social power but also being directly under the emperor's very fascist thumb.

in the canon, luz stumbles into the isles at age 14 and meets amity at demon high school; amity promptly tries to get her killed due to insane jealousy antics, but then the two of them enter a rivalry-turned-shaky-friendship instead. amity realizes over time that she's been Kind Of The Worst and starts trying to make better choices. she also has a falling-out with lilith when lilith makes her cheat in a witch's duel with luz, bc amity values honesty/fairness A Lot. that knocks her pretty squarely off the Emperor's Coven Ambitions path.

(which is funny given that she's introduced as just being. So Awful. amity please consider any of your unfair biases for 2 seconds challenge level IMPOSSIBLE)

it turns out that amity's mother is a Viciously abusive and classist social climber who has been hyper-controlling of every aspect of amity's life, including who she associates with and what she prioritizes and what her goals are. so a lot of amity's season one arc is about redefining who she is, what she wants, and who she cares about. and distancing herself from her parents. and making amends for her bullshit. and being desperately pathetically Embarrassingly head-over-heels for luz.

season 2 kicks off with amity's mom trying to kill luz, in part over Corrupting Their Daughter. this isn't even a homophobia thing this is just a classism thing. & amity Fully breaking from her parents' influence and fighting back against them to save luz's life. it's incredibly gay and involves her snarling "stay away from MY LUZ" be still my beating heart.

amity meets hunter later as an enemy. canon luz is aligned with wild witches, who are very much traitors to the empire. canon luz loves committing treason and fucking with the empire. amity and luz are dating at this point. amity is therefore now down to aid and abet her in Anything

amity and hunter spend the beginning of the episode psychologically fucking with each other because they both have The Exact Same Neuroses around needing to be Useful and Good Enough. then amity recognizes that hunter is actually Very Very Suicidal and Very Very Reckless in ways she herself once was; she offers him help and is basically like, "hey, i've been abused, too, but it's gonna be okay. come with me and my found family can help you."

hunter, who accepted similar kindness from luz earlier and Immediately got in terrible trouble with belos for it, is like .....hmm... maybe. i'm considering it.

then he realizes that amity has a magical object that belos needs & is like HAHA WAIT. NEVER MIND ACTUALLY. I CAN GET THE EMPEROR'S APPROVAL BACK IF I JUST TRY TO KILL YOU INSTEAD the two of them have a Wild and Desperate fight that ends in amity holding a knife to an exhausted hunter's throat & hunter telling her that if she escapes or kills him, the empire will slaughter luz in retaliation. checkmate!

hunter you suck so bad good god!

amity and hunter bury the hatchet about this offscreen later, though. there's very little ongoing animosity between them in the canon bc from a doylist perspective, there wasn't time to flesh out an entire onscreen talk about feelings; from a watsonian perspective, amity is just like, "yeah man, i tried to kill luz the first time i met her, i get it. you were crazy. i have been crazy before. we're all good"

endgame amity is fighting against the empire and against her mother alongside luz n luz's found family. four years into the future in the show's epilogue, amity is living a cheerful life as a wild witch inventor-slash-adventurer who is in a happy relationship with luz, who has made up with the friends she lost in high school, and who hangs out in giant cuddle puddles of said friends (including hunter) at least once per week, usually more. she's cast off her high school ambitions and is much MUCH happier and healthier.

so the princess AU is basically just positing that if amity DIDN'T meet luz at age 14, she would have continued down the path she'd started out on instead. which would have meant selling her soul to become an emperor's coven soldier and, just. becoming the loneliest most miserable bitch alive.

[celestialholz]

The Anatomy of an Outfit (aka 'holy fucking Continuum THE LOOK™)

Y'all know I haven't seen a single STP episode since 2.9. I would rather gargle with acid than go near this show ever again frankly, but, well...

... Good sweet sanctuary what the fucking hell is THIS. :O (@tennant, clearly a fellow appreciator of all things ancient god, must be thanked profusely for these glorious few shots I'm about to show off. <3)

I called this lovely, lovely man returning about ten minutes after he 'died', but I don't think any of us were expecting his outfit to slay THIS HARD when he did. And not only is it the sexiest thing my fortunate eyes have ever had the pleasure to absorb, but it also happens to be very, er... well let's be real here, it's ridiculously Qcard-coded.

Let's break it down, shall we?

We'll start with the obvious: it's maroon and black. This look appears to be a mad fusion of his Encounter at Farpoint judge robes (which is fair, we end as we begin), and his husband of forty years' captain's uniform. That piped shoulder's hugely reminding me of this, in fact:

It's the inverse! You know, the same look, flipped? Because they have perfectly distinct personalities but are also mega gay???? Costume department allies fr.

The delightfully dramatic sash Q's rocking is also interesting - it places maroon at the centre of the outfit, and is its grandest statement, which makes it an excellent example of the importance of the colour to its wearer. This is the clothing equivalent of him having mon capitaine tattooed across his essence, which... well yeah, valid. Canonical facts. It's worn across virtually his whole chest, too, because nothing says 'that's my husband' more than having him literally held against your heart.

It's a different era of captain, across two shoulders - the old teasing, and the new love.

Also, this fucking brooch.

Now, whilst I doubt they've given even John de Lancie a piece made of actual rubies for a fifteen-second scene, the stones here are very clearly meant to evoke them. And rubies are interesting for several reasons:

They're Picard's birthstone, his birthday being July 13th;

They're symbolic of power and protection. What follows is some of the interesting info I've picked up from internet gemology on rubies:

... Huh. Resolve disputes. 'Dispel anger,' when we've seen a darker Q in this series. And 'protective powers'... mm, how many times has Q saved Picard's life again? What did we get up to, six?

... 'Romantic love.' 'Devotion.' Uh-huh.

This brooch is also evocative of the Navaratna, or this thing:

The brooch itself is clearly stylised, but it features eight gems orbiting a central larger ruby (which is meant to be the sun by the way, as though this motherfucker wasn't already evocative ENOUGH of the sun here or here), and is an important cultural and religious symbol in Hinduism. What's it symbolic of, exactly?

... Oh, nothing much. Just... just this.

... Like I said, nothing much, just the whole concept of Qcard in fucking jewellery form.

The brooch's also, as the wife @porgthespacepenguin pointed out, an eight-pointed star.

... Have I mentioned yet that I fucking detest this show? Because I really fucking detest this show.

There's nine rubies on it, as well. Picard's in his nineties.

So, let's recap:

Nine of Picard's birthstone for his ninety years

Sun symbolism, AGAIN

Celestial relationships

Beyond space and time

Romance

Prosperity

Protection

Resolution

So, all that, from a brooch worn over an outfit that looks suspiciously like Picard's, which has a sash across it in Picard's colour.

... And I'm supposed to believe that Qcard isn't endgame? You're really going to gaslight me to this degree right in front of my salad, you absolute bastards????

Guys, when you inevitably wipe this shitshow of a Star Trek from your collective minds like I'm about to do, just... take this with you. Take the fact that everything about this outfit and this SHOW has said all along that Qcard is endgame, until they couldn't be arsed. Until they lost their balls for the pathetic few who might have naysayed it.

Patrick, and certainly John, deserved so much better. I'm glad that at least someone on this set understands that. (I see you, costumers. I see you, and I love you.)

Just going to... just going to stare at the absolute fine-aged wine of a man that is John de Lancie for a moment, before I lose my whole shit. He calms my soul, you see.

HIT THE SLAY KING JOHN <3

[scenetocause]

any guesses as to how max and lando both wound up sick. just curious.

[cn: cheating]

"You haven't sucked me off for ages," Lando pouts. Max nearly chokes on his mouthful of avocado toast.

"Mate." His ears are turning pink, he can't look at Pietra. "What the fuck."

"Well it's true, you haven't." Lando says it primly, goes back to demolishing some poached eggs with gay - literally - abandon. Like he hasn't just derailed Max's life for the fiftieth and possibly worst time this week.

He's going to have to do it at some point so he glances round at Pietra, who at least doesn't look completely disgusted with him, just like she's contemplating ways to kill Lando. Which he's fully onboard with, actually. It could be a new date concept, if Lando's going to insist on coming along.

"No, I haven't," is all he can muster as a response.

-

The thing is. The thing is that Max knows he's being a little bit of a hypocrite on a whole bunch of levels. Because he used to come on all Lando and Luisa's dates and fill in all the ways Lando's a rubbish boyfriend by being a better one and she didn't seem to mind that Lando just doesn't count sleeping with Max as anything, so they'd carried on doing it. Max is also pretty good at being Lando's boyfriend, in terms of getting him to act normally.

But Max should've known it wasn't going to work the other way around. He'd been so careful to keep them separated, at first. Partly out of fear Pietra would realise he's very much not an F1 driver and realise she could do better but much more out of knowing this wasn't going to go down well with either of them. It's a hard sell "hey can my best friend, who's chronically weird, hang out with us all the time and also sometimes he has to spoon me for emotional support."

He's tried to find things in it for Pietra but she could go to Monaco anyway and have a more normal time. She's not that keen on coming to grand prix, although he thinks she would if it was his racing and let's not take that train of thought too far to the depression station.

And Lando can't act normal about him and Max doesn't want him to. Was maybe trying to provoke this by getting a girlfriend in the first place - which isn't fair, that's not why he's dating her, it's just that something makes him want Lando's attention as much as Lando wants to give it to him and if they could ever just make that work they'd probably be a lot more normal.

The problem, really, is that Lando feels much more like forever than his girlfriend does. Which is pretty cursed, especially when he's openly sabotaging Max in the middle of brunch.

-

She doesn't bring it up with him, probably because there's nothing to talk about. Max had caved under about one minute of scrutiny from her about the nature of his relationship to Lando and then promised they weren't like that anymore and then slept with Lando the second he touched down in Nice.

Which is bad. He knows it's bad. He objectively knows this is bad boyfriend stuff and he doesn't want to be that, he wants to make things work and be in love and get married and have kids. Be normal - except that he can't.

It's like the stupid mess in his brain. He could just not have whatever makes him demotivated and mopey for days on end and it'd be better. Simpler, at least. Make more sense for the way his life's supposed to be going but instead he's had Lando fussing over him for a week because Max accidentally said some depressed stuff even though he'd been pretending that wasn't really going on anymore and now Lando's trying to add every possible enrichment to his enclosure.

Which is how they've ended up in Max's bedroom, Lando's hair freshly clipped and stream done, with Lando trying to get his cock in Max's mouth.

"Will you," he bats Lando's hand away from his hair, "just stay still and let me do this?"

"I'm trying to help." Lando sounds way too aggrieved for a man about to get a blow job. "It's been so long maybe you've forgotten how to - ah"

Max hums, knowing how good that feels when someone's got their mouth round your dick and then relaxes his throat, leans into it. Feels himself drooling on Lando's dick at the same time as Lando settles back into the mattress, sighs out how much he's enjoying it.

"Ah, that's so good - you're so good."

It's embarrassing how easily taken apart Max is by the praise.

Lando's fingers thread through his hair and he doesn't fight it, this time. "I missed you, baby," Max groans at the nickname, dick twitching. "I missed this, missed us."

It's a good job there's a dick halfway down Max's throat so he can't say anything stupid like 'me too, buddy.'

Lando's leaking already, messy in Max's mouth when he swipes his tongue over the head, lapping at it. He always gets so needy for it, whimpering and whining and pushing his hips up in desperate little circles - it's like the opposite of the way he fucks Max, all deliberateness. Like this he's just a helpless kitten, biting his own fist to try and stifle the noises he's making.

Max pulls off for a second, strokes Lando's hip, when he's getting really desperate. "It's ok," he says, trying to guide Lando, get him to turn the overwhelming sensation into a conclusion and Lando just whimpers again, biting his lip.

He comes into Max's mouth a minute later, back arching and Max lies down, head on Lando's tummy, to kiss his heaving abs afterwards. Lando pulls him up after a minute, holds him and Max's erection isn't so urgent he can't enjoy it for awhile.

When Lando returns the favour, chaotically sucking Max's balls while he's jacking him off, it doesn't take long either for Max to come or for the guilt to sink in. He can't come up with an excuse for why he can't stop doing this, only the inevitability that he won't.

-

They both claim their sore throats are from golfing or the rain or hayfever or something. Lando smuggles Max back to Monte Carlo two days later and fucks him in every room.

[formulatrash]

What's your take on the hockey booktok thing? Since you mentioned it on twt

my initial take would be that all these people scare me so much I don't want to get into it but also people keep messaging me to be like did you know people ship carlando" off the back of it and yes. I did know that.

my understanding of what's happened on booktok, which I absorb any information about only twice a year during whatever version of this is blowing up at the time, is pretty limited. partly because I'm not on tiktok and partly because I can't read. but the crux of it seems to have come down to people writing disgustingly thirsty comments on a hockey player and his wife's posts, regardless of what they were about, somehow feeling empowered to be horny not just on main but in someone's face because of booktok.

that's, clearly, not remotely acceptable. if there are communities of people out there that thirst about me I don't know about them (although the cold tendrils of horror about the Wikifeet page have just gripped me and no, oh god, that isn't the phrase I should've used at all get me out of here) but there are loads of people who fucking hate my guts. that's like, fine, it's their own business; if they keep it on discord or whatever and away from me it doesn't do me any harm. lord knows, I have committed the act of hating and indeed being horny, sometimes simultaneously, when I was at a safe enough distance for none of the subjects to ever know.

this is a thing about fandom. if you post "Max Verstappen looks breedable" on here then he's extraordinarily unlikely to ever see it or probably know what it means. if you comment that on Kelly's instagram posts, even if you don't like her and even if that's for valid reasons, that's very different.

as I gather it, the booktok thing has exploded into RPF in general. which, I gotta say, RPF and sexually harassing a dude and his family are in fact very different things. one has a rich history, both as actual ways of telling history (Anthony and Cleopatra: RPF, Chernobyl: RPF, the god damn Gran Turismo movie is RPF about an uncomfortably large number of people I know IRL and to be fair it looks like it slaps I'm gonna see it) and as a longstanding artform. RPF's history of horny is even extremely longstanding, with obscene RPF being used by both the French and Russian revolutionaries to undermine the concept of royal divinity.

RPF is political because it involves an interpretation of real events and people. and the perspective from which that's written will always be political. RPF can, certainly, be feminist; there's quite a lot of retellings of classical stories that fit this. RPF can, also, be fucking weird horny shit. or terrible man takes. or incredible, tender, queer retellings; Kaz Rowe's graphic novel about real-life surrealist Claude Cahun is an obvious example of the latter. Pride, the film about the miners' strikes and the AIDS crisis, is another.

so yeah, it is a legitimate and recognised form of literature and art and also uhhhh. well. I mean the omegaverse is definitely recognised, legally, in court because of that one case but I don't know that even its fiercest enthusiasts would really be all that keen on describing it. not as like, literature or anything just I think most people would rather literally never have an IRL conversation about that. ever.

I'm not 1000% clear on how carlando got into this but clearly that's broken containment a long time ago anyway. when you had Sky doing love heart interviews 15 races into them being teammates or whatever, there was an obvious amount of gay chicken being played by the producers that frankly, as a queer person in motorsport, I'm a lot more comfortable with the fan version of.

no, obviously, I do not think they are dating - or want to think that tbh - but frequently-queer fans projecting the wish fulfilment of seeing a kinder and more representative world for their desires, in places hidden from the subjects, is a lot less weird than leering, laughed-at dating questions and milk baths. in an ideal world it wouldn't have to be a secret, yearned-for alternative because things would be safe and open enough for there to be real queer stories everywhere but that, unfortunately, is not the one we currently live in.

wish fulfilment and telling stories are not the same things, necessarily. sometimes you tell the stories to remind yourself it's ok to have wishes or to work out what those even are. I don't think there's anything necessarily harmful about what names the characters have in those, provided the line between reality and any real people's privacy is kept.

clearly, with the booktok thing, that's where things went extremely wrong. generally tiktok as a whole seems to have a very odd perception about other people's agency, whether it's pranking videos or like the girl who filmed people peeing at Spa. if you regard everyday people as content opportunities (spoiler: the law does not think this and particularly in the EU you cannot film people without their consent) then I guess it's easy to slide over to seeing an athlete as a target for what I suspect very few of the people doing it recognised as very unpleasant and invasive harassment.

there's nothing wrong with fancying athletes. there's nothing even wrong with sexualising them, provided you respect some boundaries and provided it's not part of the conditions of their working contracts. there's a lot of difference between there being a discord where, idk, people say Mitch Evans is hot (he is, although somewhat implausibly he genuinely does not know this) and sponsors for female tennis players wanting them to wear revealing outfits and stay skinny or teenage girls being encouraged into provocative photoshoots by people who promise them roles, etc. teenage male athletes being pressured into doing things they don't want to yet or maybe at all to prove they're men, queer athletes being forced to hide who they are or repress it entirely.

would it be a little bit odd to find RPF of yourself? yes. I won't lie, I would judge the characterisation. I already do judge that on the frankly very weird things people write about me. you have never seen RPF as strange as the narratives people will make up about you in the comments of an article about hydrogen and frankly those scare me a lot more than whether someone thinks I'd be assigned beta or whatever.

stumbling across something, rather than having explicit sexual fantasies forced into your face, especially on what's your own social media pages where people you know in real life can see them, is very different though. some people who engage with RPF cross lines, whether that's weird conspiracy stuff about girlfriends being faked or stalking people's friends accounts etc.

RPF doesn't inherently cross lines, even when it's public; there's a very interesting interview here with Jann Mardenborough and the guy who plays him in the Gran Turismo movie about, among other things, portraying a fatal crash he was involved in. clearly, Jann is not only aware of but is the executive producer of what's ultimately fiction about himself and there's an ownership there, of course. but some parts of the movie are made up, for sure.

obviously I'm like, the not-very-secret infiltrator here because clearly I am On Tumblr and know what AO3 is. I follow a bunch of people who write fanfic because they also make nice gifs of my favourite blorbos and I like to think we can all make peace with our own boundaries about that kinda thing. also I read every single Shane/Ryan fic in like 5 weeks and honestly, not going to apologise except to myself for persisting with a few that didn't pay off.

but like: you do not have to make RPF or any fandom activity unethical. the way you conduct yourself does that and some people step way out of line.

[sleepy-gee]

temptation┊tbosas/skins

sejanus has to switch rooms on a school trip due to his roommate– and supposedly best friend– being a bit of a homophobic asshat. he ends up bunking with coriolanus, leading to some.. very, very interesting conversations... (based on 1x06)

word count: 1k

trigger warnings: some homophobia, suggestive content, cheating, peer pressure (ish)

a/n: tbh i don't really like anwar and don't care enough about him to give him a solid character in my au so he's gonna be interchangeable :] here he's represented by hilarius who i have selected to represent chris in my au!! also this is more of a "missing scene" than anything because i do plan on turning this into a full fic some day

It's not every day your next-door neighbor since childhood offers to give you head. “For comfort,” he said. “We're in Russia. I want to try something new! And you need comforting.”

The icing on the cake? Sejanus might have a bit of a crush on the boy as well…

The first time Coriolanus had asked, he knew it was a joke, but it still caught him off guard. Professor Sickle had decided it would've been a good idea to take the senior class on a trip to the remains of Russia to study the economy before the war that brought the downfall of most of the world– Including America. Russia was one of the only remaining places on the earth that still resembled the Old World.

Sejanus had originally bunked with his friend, Hilarius, for the trip, but after a few homophobic comments? He couldn't wait to get out of there. So, him and Festus (who was the straightest man alive– a perfect fit) swapped rooms, leaving Sejanus with Coriolanus.

“You wanna talk about it?” The blond asked him as he unpacked.. Or, rather rearranged. Their hotel room was small and dingy, it would be able to fit one person just fine but two boys? They were lucky their suitcases were so big. You could even argue that it was holding enough for three, since Coriolanus had packed more than enough for this trip. He was staying for a week, not a month.

Sejanus opened his mouth to say no originally, but decided against it. “.. I guess he's just decided to feel a different way on me being–”

“District?”

“No–”

“Short?”

“Gay!” Sejanus blurted out, turning around to face the other. Coriolanus only nodded, leaning back on the bed before flashing him a grin.

“I could give you head?”

The brunette nearly choked. “Wh– No!”

“It'd cheer you up.”

“For fuck's sakes, Coryo, you're my friend! I came to you with a problem, and you-”

“Slow down.” Coriolanus laughed, standing up. “C'mon.. We're in Russia. I wanna try something new.”

“It's not a hobby, Coriolanus, I–” Sejanus was cut off by Coriolanus’ lips on his own. It took nearly every ounce of his willpower to push him off. “Coriolanus, please! I'm not a hobby!” He began again. “This isn't canoeing or–”

“Eh.. Canoeing isn't really my thing. This could be.”

“What about Lucy Gray?” He asked, changing the subject. Maybe it'd bring him back to his senses.

“Lucy? She likes canoeing just fine.”

Sejanus groaned, covering his face with his hands. “That's– That's not what I fuckin’ meant..”

“Then what did you mean?”

The two boys were cut off by the door opening, and Lucy Gray's head poking through. Speak of the devil. “Sorry to interrupt.. Sej, y'mind if I talk to Coriolanus in private for a moment?”

Sejanus bit his tongue to refrain from lashing out. “No, yeah… Sure.”

The next time Coriolanus offered, it wasn't all fun and games. After a shitshow party and a bunch more arguments, Sejanus was ready to call it a night.. Which he couldn't even do because Lucy Gray was passed out drunk on his bed.

Whatever. Coriolanus got him into this situation, so it's only fair that he surrenders his bed for the night. The brunette slipped off his shoes and shirt before flopping down onto his bed, head throbbing already. He'd be hung over the next day without a doubt.

He had nearly dozed off when suddenly, something planted itself on his abdomen, forcing all the air out of his chest. Sejanus gasped, brown eyes flying open. He looked up to see Coriolanus sitting on top of him, baby blue dress shirt half unbuttoned, and sleeves rolled up. His blond curls were disheveled, probably from having run his hands through them so many times.

“C-Coryo? What the fuck-?!”

“My offer still stands,” Coriolanus whispered, grinning like a madman. “I saw you at the party.. You're the king of moping..”

“Coryo, please get off–” Sejanus looked away, desperate for an escape. Coriolanus just so happened to seat himself on his hips, applying just a tad bit of pressure to his already semi-hard cock. He really didn't need the added embarrassment of a boner.

He lifted his hands to push the blond off, finding his wrists caught and pinned down by the other. Coriolanus shifted, pressing against him harder, leaving Sejanus to swallow a groan that threatened to bubble out of his throat.

“Coryo..” Sejanus tried not to gaze down at his lips. He really did. But they were just so soft and plush and… Perfect. Coriolanus caught his gaze, and closed the distance between the two of them, kissing him for the second time this day. It was the first successful attempt, though.

Coriolanus’ grip on his wrists loosened. Sejanus took advantage of that, moving his hands up to cup his pale cheeks. When he felt a tongue prodding at his lips, though, he was brought back to reality. Gently, he pushed him off. “.. Coryo, we can't– Lucy Gray is–”

“Passed out drunk. She won't know..” Coriolanus persisted, kissing his cheek before trailing kisses down his neck.

“Still-! It's– It's wrong! We can't..” Sejanus sat up. “.. You're with her and you're not gay and–”

“Who said I'm not?” Coriolanus cut him off again, moving off of his lap. “I know you are.. So I figured maybe we could play around, huh? It'd just be two friends helping each other..”

“For fucks sake, would you listen to me for once?! That's what I've been trying to say, Coriolanus!” Sejanus paused. “We.. Can't mess around. Even if you are interested in men, you have a girlfriend.. Does she even know?!” Coriolanus shook his head no. “Then why are you doing this?”

Coriolanus shrugged. “Why not?”

“Oh, for the love of–” Sejanus grabbed his shirt from off the floor, sliding it back on before smoothing it out and standing up. “I'm going to stay with Clemensia..”

“You can't! Same sex pairing only, remember-?” Coriolanus called out, cut off by the slamming door.

[orionsangel86]

I would like to hear your GOmens opinions! I feel like the fandom is a mix of reasonable and bathshit dumb opinions.

Oh nonny I don't know if you truly do! My opinions are controversial at minimum and likely to get me cancelled by GO fandom at most!

*deep breath* Okay you asked for it. Don't come at me when you don't like what I have said.

I'll put this under a cut cos it'll no doubt get long and ranty and look fair warning to anyone clicking read more, these are JUST one person's opinions. We can disagree on those things. I'm not going around screaming at people that they are wrong and I've kept this all very close to my chest for a very long time now. So please take that with a pinch of salt before you decide to read my rant.

*sigh* this is probably a bad idea but here goes...

The thing is, I love analysing TV and film and literature, and I take an analytical view of things where I try to set myself apart as much as possible from the highly emotional volatile fandom response. (I dont always succeed in this but I try).

One thing I always stress is that characters in TV shows or movies are *not real people* and therefore you can't apply real people sensitivities to them. They are instead frankenstein mixes of what the creative team wants them to be, and every little decision about the characters is carefully thought out. Intention and interpretation matters. My view on a character is not an invalidation of a real persons identity. If I say a character is not X, that does not mean I think that real people who are X are not valid, or that I don't believe in their real life identity. Is this all clear so far? Okay.

Representation also matters and I have seen Good Omens fandom tie themselves up in a frenzie of policing fans and call out posts accusing anyone who wants more from AziraCrows relationship a whole multitude of x-phobics depending on the buzzword of the day. To the point that these fans have convinced themselves that a kiss or love declaration or ANYTHING from AziraCrow that would be considered more explicit than what we got in Season 1 is something they DON'T want because somehow that would take away from the *x-identity rep* theyve decided to claim as canon. But sadly these fans have rather deluded themselves because none of those identities are *canon* in season 1. Even the claims that AziraCrow are gender non conforming non binary etc are not *canon* because *canon* means that any dumbass regular audience member could watch the thing and say "oh. That character is x". Yes Crowley is Nanny Asteroth for a time, but a general audience is just going to view that as male Crowley in drag. Sorry but its the truth. They see David Tennant playing Crowley, they see a male actor playing Crowley, they are gonna view Crowley as a male. Unless it is textually stated by Crowley that he isn't male, then they aren't gonna get it and it isn't the rep you want it to be, because representation should mean that everyone ELSE also notices and learns to understand about those marginalised identities.

Take Sandman. Very gay. Very very gay. So gay that people from the dumbass general audience (the DGA going forward) went online to complain about it being gay because the gay was so very obvious to them, so obvious in fact they claimed *every* character in Sandman was gay and having gay sex and I'll be honest it left me rather disappointed when Morpheus didnt fuck Hob Gadlings brains out in episode 6 like he clearly wanted to, but I digress.

Take OFMD, Jim is a canonical non binary character and the show makes this clear in the canon text without ever having Jim say they are "non binary" or have the clumsy awkward explanation that is clearly for the DGA about it, but instead the conversation flows naturally - are you a woman? I don't know. Are you a man? I don't know. I'm just Jim. Okay Just Jim. We will refer to you by they/them pronouns now. It's all cool.

But Crowley and Aziraphale are characters played by male actors who always use he/him pronouns. Even as Nanny Asteroth no one ever refers to the nanny as "she". So its not clear to the DGA. Them being asexual may be a valid headcanon, but its not canon if its never mentioned. If at some point someone said something to Zira about sex and he said "oh I don't go in for that sort of thing" then sure, that's got some canon merit to it, but otherwise Good Omens can NOT be applauded for being good asexual representation on television.

If your general audience of braindead heteronormative idiots isnt seeing it, its not technically canon. Its implied, subtextual, queer coded, hinted at, etc, but not *canon*. Its not gonna get a GLAAD nomination for representation and a bunch of queer journalists writing articles about it if its only *subtext*.

I don't recall any of the queer media people applauding Good Omens for being queer representation. I recall them all sort of scratching their heads being like "is it...?" and I recall a lot of people getting rather annoyed because NG took a stance online proclaiming that it was an obvious love story when really, from just watching the show... it kind of wasn't?

God this is gonna get me so much hate... *sigh* okay look. I adore season 1. I was totally with you guys celebrating how queer it all seemed to me and loving NGs responses on Twitter to anyone questioning the "friendship" between Az+Crow. I was also online getting wrapped up in the fandom echo chamber claiming it was 100% canon and anyone who didn't see it was a homophobic moron or whatever... yeah... but I've grown up a lot since 2019 surprisingly - the whole Destiel going "canon" and then getting shoved forcefully back into the metaphorical closet was a big eye opener and everything changed after November 5th 2020.

Suddenly, what Az+Crow had in season 1 wasn't enough anymore. It should never have been enough to begin with. I recall my very first watch and how I was seeing all the subtext and coding and clear romantic tropes build and build and then we got to that final scene in the ritz and all I wanted was for them to take each others hands, I watched with eager anticipation and... it didn't happen. I can vividly recall the disappointment I felt at that moment. I didn't need a kiss, or a declaration, but I wanted them to hold hands in that scene. They got so close! Zira leans in and places his hand on the table right by Crowley and my GOD it was like being edged without the pay off. I hated it. I HATED it because it would have been SO EASY but they didn't do it.

I also recall getting quietly annoyed at NG for claiming they held hands on the bus. I watched the slowed down zoomed in gifs of that moment and sorry, but no. They don't. Even if the actors actually DID hold hands, the camera doesn't pick it up clearly enough for it to mean a damn thing.

I totally understand people claiming that Az+Crow are already queer. It's totally valid to see yourself in them and want them to represent you. But the painful truth is that in season 1 of the show, they aren't anything of what you claim them to be. They are two characters who are male presenting who are very good friends to the point that its all a bit homoerotic. The DGA isn't gonna take any time to think about the complexities of angel and demon gender or the lack thereof, they are only gonna see two male actors playing said angel and demon. They aren't gonna think about you and your identity, and they aren't gonna pick up the subtext even if it is painfully obvious. Because they won't see it as gay unless it is explicitly gay.

But Saz, why should we care what the DGA thinks?

Because thats what this whole argument has always been about. Because that's what canon means. No one, not even the DGA are arguing today about whether or not Castiel is gay. No one in the DGA is arguing about Stede and Blackbeard, or Lucius. No one is arguing about the Corinthian or Johanna Constantine. They see that these characters are queer, they accept it. Simple. Because of this, it counts towards representation. Because it normalises our identities. By putting our identities into mainstream stories in such a way that they are unavoidable for the DGA, THAT is what representation is.

When characters and stories keep our identities buried in subtext and allusions and queer coding which quite frankly should have been left in the hays code era, it doesn't count towards representation, no matter what your fandom echo chamber may scream into the void. Or, for that matter, what your creator and fantasy genre author may claim in the void either.

Word of God may help us in a lot of ways, but if they aint putting it into the actual text, then word of god is meaningless in terms of representation as well. Disney claiming Valkyrie was bisexual doesn't mean a damn thing if she never discusses her bisexuality or has any scenes where she shows interest in the same sex. Thankfully that changed in the latest movie, but for a long time it was a problem.

Okay then. So what am I saying? Was NG queerbaiting us with AziraCrow in season 1?

No. Gods I hate that word. Queerbaiting is only occurring when the creators involved maliciously add queer subtext with the explicit intention of gaining popularity among queer audiences specifically with no intention to reward them by actually making those characters queer.

Now, I may not agree with people who claim Crowley and Aziraphale are explicitly queer in season 1, but I also don't think NG ever intended GO to be a queer show. He made GO to be a popular fantasy show as a last wish for his friend Terry Pratchet. He made it extremely faithful to the book in every way (in some ways, to the detriment of the show) and that includes keeping AziraCrows relationship in safe platonic territory. Yes he ramped up the romantic subtext, but I fully believe that this was because he had already decided he was going to further develop the story if season 1 was a hit, but I don't think for a second that he predicted that it would gain such massive traction in queer fandom circles.

No malicious intent to utilise the queer community, no queerbaiting. So lets just stamp down on that accusation once and for all. It's bullshit.

But that changes in season 2. So here is where I have been getting annoyed at GO fandom lately with all this "we don't need it to be explicit! A kiss would invalidate my identity! If they do anything it'll take away from ace rep! etc etc" SHUt UP!

Why do all these fans think kissing is something ace people don't do? Why would an innocent kiss invalidate ace rep? Are you HEARING YOURSELVES?! and okay, even if you are an ace person who does not ever kiss, are you so opposed to words of affirmation too? Are you a hater of love declarations now? Why is THAT such a terrible thing? You are deluding yourselves, and I get why. You are trying to protect yourselves from disappointment because you have spent 4 years screaming at people online and policing people who dare to say that AziraCrow aren't already canonically together and in love and have somehow tied your own identity into these characters to the point that you are frightened that season 2 might disprove your words and somehow invalidate your identity. Gods forbid if they DO kiss now you have lost the precious representation you claimed was so important to you right? But its NOT the case!

If nothing happens in GO S2 then it WOULD be queerbaiting. For the FIRST TIME. Because NG knows now how important AziraCrow's relationship is to the queer fans and he himself has been claiming its a love story for 4 years. If he didn't put his money where his mouth is and make them explicitly canonically queer and together in season 2 then I'm sorry but it would very much be queerbaiting. Keeping the loud queer fanbase on tenterhooks, getting them all excited so that GO trends on social media and then NOT following through? That's CLASSIC QUEERBAITING.

But NG isn't doing that. Because they are going to be together. Because it will be explicitly queer. Because even the trailer indicates this is the case. The season 1 GO trailer didn't include any of the romantic subtext if I recall correctly, it was solely promoted as a silly fantasy show. The season 2 trailer leans into the romance. It'll be explicitly clear - because I don't think NG is stupid enough to not go through with it. I understand why he didn't in season 1, there was a lot more at stake and he wanted to keep it totally 100% faithful to the book, but season 2 is a blank page, open book, nothing stopping it from happening. Plus, in 2023, in a post Destiel confession, post OFMD world, not going there would be just the most idiotic bad for business move the man could make.

So can GO fans please stop making bad faith arguments about why AziraCrow shouldn't be more explicitly together in season 2? Because I'll be honest, it is coming across less like you wanna protect the supposed "Ace representation" and more like maybe you are just uncomfortable with the idea of two middle aged male actors being physically intimate on screen.

Also if NG doesn't have the balls to go through with it, then can y'all please stop protecting him? I love the guy. I do. I think he is a talented genius who has done more for the fantasy genre than anyone else alive today. But gods, if he doesn't let AziraCrow at least confirm to themselves or other people that they have non platonic feelings for each other, in such a way that the DGA understands that this is a non platonic love story, then he deserves all the angry asks and queerbaiting accusations he will inevitably get. Personally, I don't think he's that dumb. So perhaps his fans can also have a bit more faith in him too.

**to anyone who may want to address the spoiler in this post, please don't. I am aware of it and have chosen in this ask to not acknowledge it so that all fans can read this, besides, the spoiler itself does not actually change anything I have mentioned here especially with some of the daft theories I have seen surrounding it.**

Okay I'm done. Rant over. Proceed to cancel me if you must.

[ronaan]

i started watching the movies (for the first time) after finishing reading the hobbit and lotr, and here is my take on the thirteen dwarves' design after seeing an unexpected journey:

thorin. why does he look like a model? it's not exactly uncanny valley (like a certain other drawf i will be mentioning later), but he still looks instantly out of place among most dwarves. i wish they at least did something wild to his beard. but he does look cool and my gay ass isn't immune to a hot guy, even if he probably shouldn't be hot, so i'll give you that. 6/10

balin. WHY IS HE SO FUCKING OLD? this feels like a hate crime. he is literally canonically younger than thorin, and he looks like he is one foot in the grave. like, i understand that they are both a little under 200 years old at this point, but pick a fucking struggle?? either make thorin look like an old wrinkly man as well, or make balin look younger. also, the design itself is boring as fuck. 2/10

bofur. this one is my favourite. he looks very cozy but also a little scary. he could be heading out the back with an axe to chop some wood for a nice little fireplace. he could also be an axe murderer. he's actually the sweetest dwarf you'll ever meet. he reminds me of my grandpa. 11/10

kíli. WHY THE FUCK IS HE YASSIFIED? he literally looks like what i imagined aragorn to look like while reading lotr. he barely has a beard, his hair is just... long. this is some fucking guy. not a dwarf. i do not care that he has a romance plot - you don't need to yassify a dwarf for him to be in a relationship with an elf, just ask gimli. 0/10

fíli. this is a solid design of a younger dwarf. he has more braids in his hair than i can count. he has a weird long ass mustache and it's also braided. i can see him growing into a more unhinged look that most dwarves clearly have as he becomes older. but i do feel like he was cleaned up a little for a lesser contrast between him and his brother. 7/10

ori. he looks very cute. his design instantly makes him stand out and i feel like i already know his personality just by looking at him (which is great for a trilogy with such a huge cast). he's a silly little dwarf. perhaps a little naive. must be protected. 10/10

nori. somehow, i feel like this was the last design they worked on. what is going on on that head. is he the inventor of middle earth hairspray? if he is, he's doing the worst possible thing he could with it. this isn't quirky or interesting - it just looks bad. the beard is kind of cool, but there is still something off with it. 4/10

dwalin. this guy is here to maim and kill. i feel like his haircut choice isn't even due to male pattern baldness. he just wanted as much hair as possible AND head tattoos. he found his look. he has a scar on his face. 10/10

glóin. i haven't seen lotr yet but i know what gimli looks like in the movies and the goal with gloin's design was clearly to make him look as much like gimli's dad as possible. this guy is already walking in his son's shadow, but i don't mind. overall, a solid dwarf look. i love the metal thingies in the beard. 8/10

dori. when i look at him, i have that "look at this distinguished gentleman" sound in my head. he's got a very intricate braiding situation going on in his hair, and i kinda love it. he has clip on piercings on both his ears and he has clearly constructed his whole look so he could show them off. 9/10

óin. we are evidently starting to run out of personalities, because this guy is also here primarily to maim and kill. to be fair, that's what a lot of dwarves are, so i'll allow it. i like the two giant beard braids - i'm pretty sure he has more facial hair than i have hair on my head, which is exactly the kind of impression a dwarf's beard should be giving. 7/10

bombur. he reminds me of obelix from the french cartoons. he has an entirely insane beard-works-as-a-moustache-extension situation going on as well as a huge circular braid which i can't even tell where that's coming from. it's a nice unique design. 8/10

bifur. he's got an orc axe stuck in his head. i forgot that was a detail in the book and i also did not understand what it was until i googled it. i thought it could just be an accessory choice. but i might just be stupid. i can, however, tell that he had an emo phase and he still meticulously dyes strands of his beard jet black, so he could have a trendy dark-and-silver look. 7/10

[sailorblossoms]

I'm in a silly goofy mood, so let's talk about female boobs in the ren faire. A completely different post by @ionlydrinkhotwater prompted me to go back and re-read those chapters, specifically with a focus on how breasts are talked about it. And it's funny because this is one of the main things used to read Simon as potentially attracted/sexually interested in women, but for me, this is in my top 2 reasons why I argue the complete opposite (i read him as aspec)

Unless I'm forgetting something about Penny, out of the main four, Baz is the only one who explicitly labels his sexuality. He knows enough about himself to label himself as gay. Using the character who is 100% sure breasts are not his "cup of tea" to introduce us to the "abundance of cleavage" tells us pretty clearly that this is really impossible not to notice. As in, even someone who isn't into it at all, and who isn't out there wanting to look at boobies can't possibly ignore them.

Baz here is very aware of boobs and potential interest in Simon, for the same reason Simon is very aware of Lamb as a "handsome vampire with an interest in Baz". It's good ol' jealousy. (Both experience jealousy that comes from much insecurity in this book, Baz is much more chill and low-key about it though lol).

But hear this: Simon doesn't fucking react. (As someone who falls somewhere in the ace spectrum, but can potentially be attracted to anyone regardless of gender–and has thought a lot about the difference between aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction/interest– boobs are pretty damn high in the list of things confirming I can be very into women, if I was in that position, I would definitely struggle with not looking)

This is kinda like how Baz has zero fucks to give about whether or not Lamb is attractive, it wasn't relevant enough to even care (in awtwb Simon notes, surprised, that Baz “didn't notice” how "fit" Lamb is) (Both of them are hyper-aware of other people being potentially interested in the other, but neither truly registers other people showing interest in them. It tracks with them being truly uninterested in other people, romantically and sexually). These books do not spend much time with descriptions, but when they're there, it's pretty purposeful. Given the reason Baz is noticing boobs in this scene, he would absolutely note if Simon reacted, even if it's to look down/directly towards the breasts, or to turn back to keep looking at the woman while she goes away. All we focus on it's only on what the woman is doing though, meaning that Simon was most likely just standing there, not doing shit. He immediately answers Penny on a completely different subject, not distracted at all. In fact, the only thing that gets his attention here is food. He's pretty enthusiastic about it, truly.

It's also worth noting that, while we have reasons to believe Simon is very good-looking, it's much more likely that Simon picked the nearly-topless woman's attention because of his wings. This is almost immediately afterward:

Simon is stealing looks because his wings are out! Surely y'all wouldn't think I'm crazy for making the following connection: wings out=tits out. What do they have in common? well, freedom, for one. Just like how Simon can't usually walk around with his wings on display (like he's doing here, while everyone just thinks it's cool as hell), a woman can't usually just walk around nearly topless (there are much more situations where dudes can go around shirtless)

My man here nearly comes into contact with boobs and he doesn't even notice. He doesn't register it! All he's focusing on is the food, and what he can have to drink. While looking "a little green" is probably about the lack of papers (or maybe being denied access to alcohol, which Simon wants at the moment?) it's quite a choice to have that being voiced immediately after boobs almost come into contact. Also interesting that what immediately follows is a comparison to Ebb, a woman Simon loved like a close friend, like family. Baz notices the boobs (because they're practically in Simon's face) but Simon doesn't. He shows no interest at all. This is what he thinks about this moment:

He's 100% focusing on the food. All he has to say about this woman, all he notices about her is that she gave him free chocolate sauce, and how friendly that was of her. This is the highlight for him, he didn't pay attention to anything else. Food is used to express connection and love in the series, and this is about Simon feeling welcomed. Everyone is so nice.

This is about freedom and acceptance.

And when are in Simon's POV, this is what we get about boobs.

First of all, "I'm not mad about it" just means "I'm ok with this, I don't have a problem with seeing this". Which isn't really enthusiastic, it doesn't even read as particularly interested (you don't have to be horny or feel sexual interest to be cool with people showing skin). If a character who's explicitly sexually interested in women said this, I'd think they're trying to downplay it. Most importantly: this can't be separated from how, while he thinks this, he's also thinking "was I ever into women? am I only sexually attracted to Baz?".

I've said this many times, and I'll say it again: as a boobie-liker, if someone is looking at breasts, and he's only doing it because he's absolutely surrounded by it and it's impossible not to, and literally never outside of that, and this prompts "it's possible that I was never attracted to women" I'm inclined to think that mayhaps boobs aren't his cups of tea either. Simon has boobs practically on his face at least twice, this would be the moment to bring that up. And he doesn't. He doesn't bring up breasts that were close to coming into contact with him when he mentions them, his breast comment is as in passing as the women he's observing with the vampires (that's what prompts the thought, women he's looking from afar, and not the ones that were very close to him). It's a general observation.

It's also interesting that Simon, who's a generally a more observant character than Baz, is much less "detailed" when mentioning breasts. You actually get a far better idea of how out and truly everywhere the boobs are from Baz's POV (it's in line with Baz to be much more detailed in noticing clothing though, Simon only says corset and calls it a day) "Cleavage" and "busty" are also what I use when I want to be vaguer/less "explicit" about breasts for whatever reason. Simon's observation is a brief sidenote, especially compared to Baz's thoughts, and it's secondary to what the questions he's making about himself reveal. ("Am I still attracted to women?.... was I ever, really?" is in line with doubting/starting to question the heteronormative thinking that trapped Simon during his school years, the kind that assumes straight as the default)

Finding a way to make female boobs about Baz is truly on brand for Simon (he only has eyes for him, I tell you, very in passing comments about other ppl's appearances included, in the way Baz only has eyes for him). His Baz-only-sexual comment, to me, it's part of the reason I read him as aspec, perhaps even demi. Also relevant is that, besides the way heteronormativity can fuck this up, is common for acespec people to spend a lot of time wondering "is this sexual attraction?", struggling to come up with answers, while just knowing you're attracted instinctively is pretty common for allosexuals. (aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction is also relevant here).

Also relevant is that Simon does show clear signs of attraction in the ren faire. Before entering:

Baz can tell Simon is looking at him with interest. He's looking at him, literally tongue out (similarly, Baz licks his bottom lip while looking at a shirtless Simon in awtwb. Quite suggestive I'd say). We know Simon has a thing for Baz's hair, and he can't help but stare at him when Baz lets it down and free. Baz would've noticed in jealousy if Simon couldn't help but stare at boobs, he was paying attention to that and was ready to intervene (shooing away the nearly topless woman).

Simon also has a thing for Baz's eyes:

Simon is so attracted to Baz that it makes him silly. My man was really out there thinking Baz is... what, striking a pose to prepare for death??? and his main focus is "his eyes are very attractive". Obviously, his thoughts aren't very clear at the moment. His attraction derails them lol

We do get an important bit that says something about the way Simon experiences attraction, and it has nothing to do with boobies

Simon, whose love language includes murder, gets so horny at Baz throwing a couple of flames to do a little murder (without even using a wand!) that he jumps him while in the middle of an escape. He can't control himself. He thinks Baz is hot when he fights. And he's telling us that he used to pick fights with Baz for horny reasons!

Also relevant, on the subject of attraction, it's this part from when Simon is thinking about (failed attempts) at having sex with Baz. (This is where the e-book was when I opened it again before going to the ren faire chapters, and I can't resist adding it lol)

Sexual attraction and romantic love. Hand in hand.

[the-fort-official]

THE CITIZENS:

PRIME APPLES: great and powerful leader of the fort. He may not be fair, or mature, or kind, or just... But honestly who cares he is funny sometimes.

Robo-Prime: he is back from the grasp of the average arcade owner in whatever fucked up sub-multiverse the text doctors live in. And by average I mean only, apparently. Anyways, he is basically prime but with more offense and less defense. Yes, the robot can take less hits than the human. Ironic, I know

Robo apples: head of engineering, and avid hater of fazbear entertainment. His past with them is spotty at best. Also, he doesn't like pizza. Which is weird. Probably trauma...

Control Apples: head of science and with the ability to express himself as well as a cardboard cutout. He does feel emotions, he just cannot show them. At all. Something about one of those therapy beds that was a O.O.P. (Object Of Power). He also likes burning things. Like, more than most Versions.

The tank (formerly known as Fallout apples): bright green power armor, yet blends in better than some people with stealth boys. Want to try to silence a fat man? He's your guy. Also for drugs. He makes all the drugs. ex-soldier of three wars. One for Alaska. One for Vegas. One for Boston. All three for his survival. And maybe fun on that last one.

Felix (fur-merly known as Fursona apples):, Engineer, former leader of the Regrettables (both the faction and the band). He got his time in the limelight. Now he is a actual character! And with the free trauma too. Also he made a lil ring to propose with so... don't tell Will.

Looper: robotic* mercenary for hire. Hope you got the gold! Also there are hundreds of him running around because of time loop shenanigans. Some of them even canonically fuck. Do with that information what you probably won't. (*He isn't a robot, technically. It's a techno-organic virus. He still has all the bits, just robotic. Minus nose, unless it's a snapshot of him with a snout. )

Fog killer: Also known as the apple themed streamer, the apple themed mayor, and the guy with a bigger arcade than @the-arcade-doctor, he is a totally normal and sane botanist trust me bro. Ignore the vines slowly leeching all your blood that's natural. (Now available to talk to on the @evil-group-that-hates-the-fort blog :3. )

Fog survivor: He is an engineer. He solves practical problems. Also works as a medic. He used to be scared of his own shadow. Now nothing phases him. Except getting stabbed because that still hurts.

Clone 007: traumatized asshole with no sense of friendly fire. He will kill anything in his way, no matter if they are helping him or not. Also he has extreme trauma, abandoned issues, and mood swings. The last one isn't related to his past, it's related to his very DNA.

Cashew: A young creature in an old automaton. He is basically a nutcracker from lethal company with some damages. And shorter. Still taller than the average dude, but small for a nutcracker.

Zweifel: What happens when you put a teen so far in the closet he tricked himself into thinking he isnt gay, into a endless colorful hell of wacky whimsical adventures? A hatred of the circus and a fear of vr.

The Angel Of hypocrisy, Nicholai: A homophobic and transphobic douchebag who should eat shit and die. Depending on which version you meet, the name makes more or less sense. Because post time skip, he gets a trans-mask boyfriend who he loves with all his heart. Even ignoring the fact his boyfriend is a serial killer. (If I reference El Carnicero, this is who I'm referring to)

Pixel: Kleptomaniac heister with more kills from just using the environment to his advantage than with his actual weapons.

Stuffie (Formerly known as Monster Apples.): see @plushiemonstervoid I ain't repeating myself.

Satchel: living puppet made from old junk like torn towels and potato sacks. He is tall, lanky, and overall intimidating. He is also a complete pushover who literally can only attack with yarn. Normal yarn. Not exactly lethal.

Demons-Bane: a demon that kills demons. Simple as that.

Warface Apples: currently turned into an anthropomorphic raven for fuckin with... I don't remember, one of @ignisuada 's characters. Generic military dude #171. Nothing special.

Warframe apples: Sneaky, but like stealth in the Deadpool game. He has lore, I just forgot it.

Metal gear apples: god im not even going to bother trying to tie this fucker in with all the bullshit lore this game has. He is a super-soldier. He has a flamethrower. That is all thats important at this point in his non-existent lore.

More to come. Check for edits. Lore is ever-changing after all.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

So shit like this, shows me how inept people that vote blue are. You all think, "Well this thing is called "x" so it must be so". It's literally this meme in a nutshell:

Then there was the, "Inflation Reduction Act" which itself did almost nothing to reduce inflation and the only projected loss of inflation would be by a % and only by 2027. Trump was a New York Democrat. And he explained why he didn't run as one several times. And the reasoning was because the Dems would not have let him win. The same way they didn't let Bernie win. And policy wise, Trump and Bernie were not super far off. It's why when Bernie got gutted during the primaries, a lot of Bernie voters went Trump.

And just because Trump doesn't align with the new socialists doesn't mean he's not still a Dem at heart. Just means the modern Dem party keeps moving further and further left. Which if you want tyranny then keep voting for them. You'll get it soon enough. Oh and the prospect that I am "Only critical of Dems" and I "Promote Reps" is fucking stupid. I'm far less critical of Reps because I KNOW they are mostly stupid. But I will let the right criticize their own, and when Reps do something I'm very much slighted by I talk about it. Like when I complain about Abbott. And the only Reps that I promote are more libertarian party members while only being republican in name. And that's both Rand Paul and Ron Paul. Also Tulsi is a Dem I like. But I guess she's not Commie enough for your tastes. Because she's anti war and the modern dem party is extremely pro war.

Fact is. I only like Trump in so far as he protected our borders, pushed the Abraham Accords, and did his best with LYING generals at his side to pull us out of wars and bring our troops home. Of which I am ALL for because I'm a prior. Get my brothers and sisters out of these pointless wars. And out of these dangerous war torn countries that never stop fighting. Trump is a crass man who's self important to a fault. I'd never deny that. He has done some not great things in his past. But did he fly to Epstein's island dozens of times? Not according to flight logs. Bill Clinton on the other hand took several trips to said island. Bill Gates took several trips to his properties and I believe the island once or twice.

If you are going to come at me saying, "TRUMP'S RUNNING AS A REPUBLICAN SO HE"S NEVER BEEN A DEMOCRAT!", Well sorry just proves you can't parse words. Just because you don't see him as one doesn't mean he isn't one. He's not currently threatening to ban abortion. Most Reps would be. He's not threatening to ban Gay Marriage. Some Reps would be. Hence you miss the point. IE: You miss the forest for the trees. Reps are voting for Trump because the economy was good under him and he didn't want communism or socialism. And if you believe that there was no election meddling going on, you clearly didn't read Time Magazines, "The shadow campaign to save the election". In which they outline a number of things they did behind the scenes to make sure Trump could not win.

Many of which would be LEGALLY considered election meddling. Like IDK. Hiding the Biden laptop under "Misinformation". Which is funny because most modern "Misinformation" as reported by Dems and Mainstream Media just means, "4-6 months until proven true". Like the machines that DID flip votes. But the "Fact check" websites will tell you, "Well yes it did happen but we caught it and fixed it". Ok.......so it happened, meaning it could have happened to other machines, and no investigation was allowed to happen on those machines beyond, "Here you can look at it physically sitting on a pallet in shrink wrap and that's it". Yeah that's "Investigating" surely.

Yeah, if that had happened to Dems you'd still be shrieking to this day about a stolen election. But because you won, any and all funny business is reasonable and fine and shouldn't be investigated. Which tells me you don't care about fair elections you care about power. Because if you did care about fair elections, you'd have voted against policy changes that were against constitutional law. But unlike me (not a rep) you don't have morals. So long as you win and wield power like a weapon you don't care how you get there. And if that's the Democrat party I want nothing to do with it ever. Real things happened in 2020 that never got investigated. You don't give a fuck. Trumps voted blue most of his life. But in no true scotsman fashion, he's "Not a Democrat because he's not aligned with my idea of modern Dems". Spare me.

All communists should be purged. You aren't people so much as I'm concerned. You're a cancer on this earth. And modern Dems are basically Communists. Certainly not all. But far too many.

Oh and "Our enemies are trying to get Reps elected. Oh so Reps like Bernie Sander and Jill Stein?

And this is only one report. Several others actually claim that Hillary was in fact aided by Russia herself. Sadly the MSM doesn't care about it and buries it because it's damaging to their narrative of "Trump is Super Hitler". Get over yourselves. Your party is currently flooding the US with illegals and putting US citizens on the back burner.

[specialmouse]

If being transgender is inherently reinforcing gender roles, then isn't transitioning as a transgender woman also inherently sexist? I ask this in good faith as a closeted transgender woman who doesn't want to transition in order to avoid reinforcing misogynistic values.

I think first and foremost it's important to understand that misogyny is baked into almost every facet of (at least my and many others') society. Cis women are not somehow magically not sexist for being "female" just as "males" aren't biologically predetermined to be sexist. It's just what happens when we live in a patriarchy. We all suffer for it because of how it's structured. Please don't take what I said as reasons not to transition. Anything you do within a gendered society is going to be reinforcing gender roles/expectations to a certain extent. I view gender as a construct that doesn't NEED to be around, yet still is incredibly pervasive and will continue to be for tens of thousands of years, if not the rest of human existence. There's nothing you or I can do to change that, on a fundamental level. When I, as a closeted transgender man, wear makeup and low-cut tops and lower my voice around men, etc., I am also enforcing gender roles. I'm doing what I feel like I need to in order to be treated better by those around me. It doesn't make it more righteous or fair because I'm a "female" and less so for you because you're "male". What you would be doing as a transgender woman by transitioning is no different, and in some ways it is even more important for you to adhere to those roles for your own safety, as deviation from the "norm" stands out to people, makes you more visible.

Forgive me if this is undue projection, but I understand the feeling of... almost interloping into a community that may or may not view you as an oppressor. As a closeted transgender gay man who 100% presents as a cishet woman in day to day life, it worries me that I'm somehow fetishizing gay men and their (our?) struggles and joys because I haven't experienced what most of them have. That's not my fault, I didn't choose to be like this. It's important to realize that there are facets of this community you don't understand that are important to a lot of people, and you should learn them. Here's the thing, though: transgender people have been around for tens of thousands of years, in different forms under different names. Contemporarily, I believe we are in a time where we are under more scrutiny than ever before, and we turn that inwards on ourselves as well. So, as someone who is female, or whatever, you are not being sexist by transitioning. You have one life, and that life should be spent doing what makes you feel best, not adhering to some people's moral codes. It's good that you're aware of the fact that you could harbor some sexist ideas, especially growing up "male" in a patriarchal society you are told certain things that could engrain themselves in you later on, but then again so does literally everyone else. Some of the most sexist people I've ever met have been cisgender women. And once you do transition, you lose that "male privilege" almost immediately. It's entirely conditional.

The only people that truly think the act of transitioning is sexist are TERFs, who have a very black-and-white view of the world on "biological" lines. Does biological, sex-based oppression exist? Yes, in varying intensities around the world. Does that mean that you being more feminine, going on estrogen, getting SRS, etc., is part of that? Of course not, it never has been. I want to make that very clear.

I hope this answer makes sense, I'm really tired but I wanted to answer this in good faith for you. I struggle a lot with the "morality" of my transition and have recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't fucking matter. We are going to die, perhaps sooner than we thought. Grow your hair out, make your voice higher, put some lipstick on whether in your bathroom or out in public, if that feels good to you. Go by another name, kiss someone who likes girls. You are not a bad or sexist person for doing that, not even close.