#i'm very bad at living in the present.. always have been.. gotta learn to appreciate wot i have

[pierog]

tiny comic about eating toast with friends

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Grace Monroe & The Infinity Train on HBO Max

Disclaimer: Post includes spoilers and also, this viewer does not deem Infinity Train as a children's show and my views are not subjected to the idea that this is a children's show, but I do regard the characters as children.  

I’m not a psychiatrist. I haven’t taken a psychology class in many years. My work with children has been primarily trauma centered children, and I haven’t worked with typical children for a decade, so most of my opinions are from my personal life experience, my work experience, my children’s rights advocacy and activism, and the guidelines from my childcare specialist work for children in the system in the state of Texas. I don’t have a lot of information these days on typical children and I don’t know the culture of children all over the country or world, but I basically know a little something about traumatized children.

And as always, be nice, because I can be mean too (and will). 😉

Special thanks to @i-am-a-passenger for listening to me and being a SOUND sounding board for my thoughts through this experience that was season 3 of Infinity Train.

To be honest, I thought that it was extremely brave of the creators to go the route that they did with the story line. Not everybody can be saved is a take that we don’t see nearly enough, and whenever we do, usually a POC, oftentimes a Black girl is on the losing end of the tale. That didn’t happen here and despite some problems with some of the way that things played out in front of us, it was STILL a monumental moment for many fans and Grace’s redemption arc was valid and reasonable, so I loved it and I live for it. Now, I’m gonna give my review of the season and what I noticed about the characters...

First off, I think that the writing of this season was phenomenal. The style of the way the story was told impressed me from start to finish. There were moments that I didn’t expect, but I understood from a writing standpoint and for the characters presented. I’m not a professional writer, but it’s been a passion since I was 7 years old, so I have some experience with passion for writing and stories and a great narrative is my WEAKNESS, and I do believe that Infinity Train provides great narratives. 

This season has been my favorite thus far. I would have appreciated it for the story content, even if they had switched the characters’ arcs or went in a different direction with the redemption arc, but the fact that I was able to see an example of a Black girl being able to BE HUMAN, at my age - 38 - is still such new content that I was honestly overwhelmed by the simple fact that the creators decided that this Black girl was worthy of not only redemption, but the attention to detail and consideration was enough for me to love this season.   

The girl in question: 18 year old Grace Monroe, whose been on this train for something like 7 years.

It’s rare to see a dark skinned, brown skinned, Black girl with natural hair be shown in anything but stereotypes and/or plot devices for other characters. This character has a story of her own. A beautifully written and fully realized story of a child who got confused, made bad decisions, did terrible things, learned the truth, and sought to change.

Whenever we first meet Grace and Simon, she’s announced as the leader of the Apex, and Simon is announced as her second in command and given the credentials from her, “I trust him with my life.” Something that is later a bittersweet thought as he becomes the biggest threat of her life since she got onto this train. They’re clearly very close and only seem to disagree on how they respond to negativity.

One of my favorite things about Grace was that she was given layers. One of my LEAST favorite things about Grace was that she was given unfair head canons by the fandom extremely early on (all of which nobody ever proved but remained diligently devoted to believing). 

In this season, when the two are taken out of their comfort zone and traveling with outsiders, Grace and Simon are faced with lives that they haven’t thought about previously and wind up choosing very separate paths. Honestly, these paths they went on made perfect sense to me. I see both of them as traumatized children without any guidance and while one of them is very careless and reckless (Grace), the other is deliberate about what he does and has goals and plans. 

The biggest influence, I think, was their interactions with denizens prior to forming the Apex. Grace admittedly never got to know any while Simon was betrayed by one whenever she left him behind to potentially die. Simon carried this rage inside of him while Grace had nothing but apathy to guide her attitude of the denizens. Grace needed attention and she was able to get that from Simon and the Apex, so she made a life built on what that gave her.

While Grace tends to seem to try to sweeten the issue or charm people. Simon is more short with others and a bit rude. They handle things much differently, though they have created a lifestyle together and formatted a society of children that they lead.

All too frequently, if a character looks like Grace, she is there as fodder for whoever her (usually white) counterparts are. But Grace has a unique situation in which she shares center stage with her white male counterpart and we watch them develop together from two peas in a pod to mortal enemies. It is a sad separation, but one that felt necessary for the direction of the story. But here’s why Grace matters so much, despite the fact that she and Simon built a child army and killed we don’t even know how many denizens:

Grace changed for the better. When both of them met and got to know a denizen, she began to change. She didn’t understand it at first and took some time to admit to herself that she was even changing. She thought that something was wrong with her because her number was going down and that wasn’t supposed to be how it was. What she thought was that it made her look weak and she didn’t want Simon or the Apex to see her that way.

And saying that Grace changed for the better is sort of shaky, too. Because Grace wasn’t a bad person to begin with. She was a child who got on the wrong track. Going from being extremely alone to having one friend to having hundreds or however many Apex kids of followers changed her for the worse, but she was a good kid at her core. She was lonely in the real world and she acted out, then wound up on this train, had a life changing event by having to see “The Conductor” and translate what happened to her as someone saving her, and she went on to help save others, or so she thought, to some degree. 

Whenever she saved Simon, she had literally no reason to, other than she saw a kid in trouble and she knew she could help.She had just as little life skills and social skills as this kid in front of her, but... he was crying and she reached out to try to make him feel better, reminding him that even though life on the train was hard, he was alright now. Then, another life changing thing happened - Simon noticed that her number was higher and asked her how she got it so high. She knew just as much as him, and said that she was really good at life on the train, and the way she took that ghom out - she wasn’t completely wrong, but them being children and having only time and their limited views started a cult.

What I found interesting about this memory was the fact that Simon was telling Grace’s story for her. She tagged her charm onto it, but Simon (the writer of their laws and apparently a trilogy that not even Grace, who likes to read things wanted to read while they were besties) is telling the story to the kids. Probably embellishing, and Grace loves to be noticed, so she keeps this up until they’ve formatted an entire belief system. It was basically just I presumed whenever I questioned the reputation this fandom gave Grace as a manipulator who filled Simon’s head with hatred for denizens and Apex theology.It confirmed that people were wrong about her, which unfortunately didn’t make them change their minds, but they ain’t gotta. Grace lived and Simon died and that’s how this turns out sometimes.

I was able to at least acknowledge that his death was atrocious and it’s very unfortunate that he didn’t change for the better. He wanted control. He wanted power. He wanted to reign. Those things were more important to him than believing anything that went against his ideals. They were more important than Grace and his relationship with her. Meanwhile, Grace, up until even after he was gone cared about him. She defended herself whenever he attacked her, but she tried not to hurt him. She even tried to talk to him and he once again refused to listen. She saved his life AGAIN, and he still tried to kill her. Despite it all, when he was gone, she cried. Her friend was gone. Another life had been taken, and life meant something else to her now. 

Even paper birds mattered now, and thanks to that difference inside of her, she didn’t die. But, I expected her to. Not even because it would’ve made sense or helped the story in any way, but because that’s how it usually goes for characters like her, characters who LOOK like her. The fact that it didn’t brought tears to my eyes. This season was amazing. This ending was amazing. This character was amazing. I’m so pleased with it and it was more than I expected, because instead of setting expectations, I let them tell me the story. They did an excellent job.

I've been asking people since she first appeared in season 2 why they thought that Simon was some helpless and she was this dominating figure that bossed him into this lifestyle and mostly it came back to her higher number. i didn't think we were being shown that, so I've been suspicious every time someone has suggested that Grace got Simon started in this or taught him this and now that it's been debunked, I'm even more irritated with the suggestion that her redemption doesn't make sense or wasn't right. 

The thing about Simon was that he seemed fine. He seemed innocent, at times. He seemed like someone to sympathize with... What a lot of his fan base doesn't seem to realize is that is the case with every abuser. That is the case with many killers. Bad backgrounds and hard times coming up don't make for an excuse. Just because I GET his personality, doesn't mean he deserves respect or consideration. But then, we have Grace, on this other end who can't even get the recognition she earned through her decision making when she literally had the same childhood as him whenever they got there. Idk. Shit feels suspicious to me to not acknowledge Grace's redemption as well written. And the idea that Simon was doing these things for or because of Grace was proven as untrue, so there should have been a shift in her favor and there wasn't and my god that's some top shelf bullshit to me...

People frequently speak of Grace's manipulating Simon, possibly because they haven't had to try to use what you have to smooth someone over. The fact that Grace has been consoling Simon since they were children (THEY WERE CHILDREN), Because I see "Simon is a child" everyday, and always speak of his trauma, like Grace had none and like she's not the same age or near it. But, that's another thing that gets done to Black girls - they're aged up in people's prejudiced minds and expected to be more accountable than their peers. This GIRL has been repeatedly blamed for the issues of her friend.

And her "betrayal?" A lie she told to preserve life.

Simon proceeds to use her tape against her, leave her trapped inside of it (knowing it was dangerous, because the cat told him), sow lies about her in the Apex, pressure children that she knew to kill her, literally tried to beat her up and murder her, and kicks her as hard as he can after she saved his life AGAIN... He still gets more grace than Grace from the audience. I don't think people see Grace's humanity. People even assumed that her number was higher because she killed so many denizens... Like literally every wrong move doesn't affect numbers. And when faced with the story, which gives us a vulnerable Grace with flaws but also compassion, she's still been sidelined by fans of the show and nobody has given me any good reason as to why, so you already know, like we been knew. 😒

People have even tried to downgrade Simon's toxicity towards her because she led the Apex (and these people pretty much had similar things to say as people who didn't believe that my ex sexually abused me because of some examples of me being strong while arguing with him)...

THIS was triggering as fuck, but I've barely seen a PEEP about it. I'm going to presume that problematic takes of Grace are from a place of discrimination and dehumanization against another Black girl character like fandoms usually do.

But that just makes her matter more.

Good job, Grace. I knew there was good in you all along, and I didn't have to make up anything about you in my brain. ♥️♥️♥️

*Grace mourning a man that just tried to destroy her multiple times for telling a lie to keep him from killing a small child...

SPEAKING OF... The man double kicked her off that damn train in front of the kids AFTER they all saw her rescue him. Them kids might be messed up because of the Apex, but you can't tell me that Simon ain't further fuck them up with his reign. At least we know Grace was always nice to them. I'm glad they'll have each other to figure it all out.

[theshinsun]

A-Z for honesty hour because I'm an asshole. :D

A - If I’m in love.

...yes. I never thought I would be again, I thought I’d been too hurt and jaded to feel this way again, but against all odds, I’m back to being 17 in full force.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

The only one who ever calls me is my mother. And customers at work.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

damn, almost a year now… not since my last relationship ended back in October-ish. even then, it was mostly casual pecks idk if we ever seriously made out tbh.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls.

already answered (twice) but I'll keep going… I've got a definite preference of guys over girls, but I'm also a bi disaster and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense why this person is instantly attractive to me while that person isn't. certain aspects of femininity do appeal to me, but weirdly other aspects seem to be a turn-off and I can't always put my finger on what or why. ...that caveat does not apply to masculinity though, even if it's traditionally "masculine" features on a feminine-presenting individual I am 100% down every time.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

two and a half? I got a third piercing at some point halfway up the lobe but it got infected and scarred over I think. the holes I do have are also stretched (I'm up to 0G now) and I've been meaning to get some more.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

wasn't given any options, so I guess I'll go with hot or cold lol. I prefer hot, I'm one of those weirdos who loves summer because of the heat and I'll usually take a hot food/drink over a cold one.

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

my mom, over the phone just now.

H - The last person I hugged.

my roommate. we're not always super touchy-feely with each other but I've been feeling kind of down and she noticed.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

I'm not usually a very jealous person, but the last time I really felt that way… I'd recently broken up with my ex, and they were sitting on someone else's lap and I… felt things. part of the reason I realized I may have made a mistake.

J - Are you insecure. What about?

K - What my full name is

already answered, my first and middle are Jacob Brooks, I'm not putting my last name out there sorry I don't trust like that.

L - If I have siblings.

already answered, I've got two, an older brother and a younger sister.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I mean, I forgive but I don't forget, ya know? like I'll accept an apology if it's sincere and welcome the person back and never bring it up again, but I'm probably gonna be cautious around them in the future, and not trust them as readily as I would have before.  

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

if I call someone my friend it means I really feel close with them, and I treat my friends basically like my family. I try to always be honest and supportive of them, bc I love and appreciate them and just want them to be happy. 

O - If I like my school.

I love my school. the campus is beautiful, the teachers are fantastic, and I just love being there and learning and growing in my classes. I'm really sad this semester is probably going to be mostly online because I really feel like I belong in those studios and on that campus and I miss it.

P - What kind of music I like.

already answered, and it mostly boiled down to all over the fuckin place, so this time… band recommendations, here we go. no you have no say in this.

here, have a clump of random favorite bands off the top of my head: mother mother, bad suns, nothing but thieves, hozier, shearwater, the neighbourhood, steam powered giraffe, rainbow kitten surprise, the oh hellos, gregory alan isakov, caravan palace, mystery skulls, khai dreams, autoheart, muse, silversun pickups, thousand foot krutch, two door cinema club, twenty one pilots, blue october, jukebox the ghost

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

I'm not a partier at All, but I did have a bunch of friends over for the 4th (okay I say a bunch but it was like four people from our usual less-socially distant circle). I have no idea when the next get-together will be, it's kinda hard to plan those kinds of things lately.

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

the phrasing of this question is weird but I'm gonna assume it means things I'm curious about? let's go with that.

travel. I haven't ever been out of the country and I'd like to see other parts of the world at least at some point in my life.

tattoos. both getting them and learning to do them, it's a niche branch of art that I'm just fascinated by and I might like to do it as a career if I knew more about it.

same thing with being a florist. I'm really drawn to it as a concept and I'm super curious how it works, but I have no idea what kind of… qualifications and whatnot I'd need for that.

 surfing. I'm surrounded by the lifestyle and now kind of own a surfboard, I just want to know what the appeal is.

this may be a bit tmi, but I'm really curious what it's like to have a dick. I don't suppose I'll strictly ever know, but I still really want to… probably one of the biggest things to clue me in that I'm definitely trans is the literal penis envy ngl. 

I've always kind of had a fascination with the ocean, and I'd love to go like, scuba diving or something someday, to see it up close and personal.

I think everyone has the impulse thought of shaving their head at some point. maybe someday I will I don't quite have the balls to do it now.

I've gone this long in my life and never wielded a sword? a travesty. I don't pretend to have the grace to actually know how to use one, but I've like, never even held a real one and the idea interests me a lot.

this one might be slightly morbid curiosity, but I don't think I've ever been like, properly drunk or high before, like I've been tipsy but I've never been wasted, you know? the idea kind of scares me and I don't think I'm going to go out and remedy it, but it's still there, and even if I know it's not a good idea, I do still wonder what that's like.

same vein, maybe even a little darker, but I've got at least a little morbid curiosity about like, death and real danger. again, not planning to act on it At All, but the thought is still lurking in the back of my mind like what if…? you asked for honesty.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

S - 2 habits.

bit of a new habit, but I have a whole ritual of disinfecting groceries when I bring them home, and then disinfecting the door knobs and counters. I don't know if it'll persist after the pandemic is over, but it's already ingrained in me and I don't feel comfortable if I skip it or do  it differently.

I apologize for things that aren't my fault. it's such an instinct at this point to say "sorry" when I'm uncomfortable or anxious that it doesn't even register anymore, even when people tell me not to be sorry, I'm still gonna say it, sorry.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

already answered so here's 5 more

my family. if I haven't got my family I haven't got anything, we've got each others' backs and I won't turn on them for anything

my friends. same deal, I owe so much to my friends, I love them, and that won't change no matter what they decide to do or be.

sleep. I love sleep so much, even if it's just an involuntary nap, though for someone who loves it so much I sure don't get enough of it

spotify. I know it has problems, I know there are probably more streamlined/cheaper music streaming services out there, but at this point, I've sunk too much of my time and energy into this one and I'll never give it up

my ocs. I don't talk about them very much on this platform, but I have them, they're my children, and I love them even if they're assholes and never easy to write/draw. 

U - How many texts I send daily.

already answered, the number varies, and sometimes swings drastically between like, 5 and 35 on any given day.

V - 3 big dreams.

graduate art school. it's gonna be a serious undertaking and probably take several more years and a lot of loans at this point, but I'm still determined to get there someday.

someday I want to write a book. I know I've said that before on a different prompt, but it wouldn't be a list of dreams without including this one that I've held onto since childhood. 

this one's kind of vague, but someday… I want to not be afraid anymore. like I want to finally be in a state of mental/financial security so I can live my life without the fear of what's coming next. 

W - An idol.

it's probably really basic to list a youtuber, but I've still gotta go with Chase Ross. the guy was an inspiration and a major source of information and support for me early-on in my transition, and even watching him now I still want to approach life with the pure positive energy and confidence that he has. 

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

yes. a couple things, really… some of which I don't think I'll ever be able to make up for.

Y - If I like my town and why.

my current town? yeah, it's got its problems but it's also beautiful and full of life and art and unique energy and I miss the days before the Corona End Times when I could actually go out and enjoy it.

Z - Ask any question you want.

??? I did not receive any specification for this one, and given that I didn't skip even the duplicate answers and this is ridiculously long, this one I'm gonna SKIP.

[noonawriter]

Delicious Rendezvous

WORD COUNT: 4638

WARNINGS: flashbacks to torture, shameless flirting, over-worked and stressed main character

DELICIOUS RENDEZVOUS

Chapter 4

“Bad news,” Siwon said as soon as he was in earshot of Heechul. “Our contact in 223 has been transferred and is locked out of the local system here.” He bit his lip, a rare slip of control. “As I’m sure you know, we’re cutting it too close to develop a new one just yet.” His first creation walked up to him with a look of hesitation on his face.

No mystery as to why.

Back when the terror of it was fresh, Siwon informed Heechul of a raid that had occurred a decade ago and how badly it had ended. The whole thing played like a movie reel of memories and fears. It wasn’t the sex work that sank them that time - no one runs that kind of operation without a contingency plan. No, it was who was doing it that led to tragedy.

Several of the employees ended up in a specialized prison only to be slowly tortured to death because supernatural creatures weren’t known then... And groups of humans have the capacity to do terrible things when they’re afraid of the unknown. Ingenuity, put to exactly the wrong purpose. What little inside data could be gleaned was... It was... Unspeakable, to this day.

Heechul considered giving him a moment of comforting touch, but it would be crass to make it so very evident that his right-hand man’s thoughts were left entirely unlocked. They sure as hell didn’t have time for a fight, either.

Not a creature anywhere didn’t hear about that disaster. The Council exploited those fears, the prejudices borne of it, but for the rest of the community, lacking that level of power... Whatever there was where Heechul’s stomach used to be turned just the same way at being bombarded with it all over again, shrunk into a few nauseating seconds. If his hair could still stand on end, it would. Even the humans that supported that establishment had been fined so heavily that they were out on the streets, and then... disappeared. Maybe to the same place. Who knows? Siwon visibly winced at that last thought, but forced that idea to the side. There were days that his confidence that his master would never let anyone harm him or their brethren was all that allowed the leader to make it happen.

Yet, sometimes, Heechul really wished Siwon had more magic potential. This was one of the rare moments where he’d very much like to be able to not hear these thoughts. Keeping his hands from ripping his own hair out was as much as he could manage here, arms stiff at his sides. Was he even capable of crying anymore? Did he have what it would take to stop a repeat of such horrors between his very own walls?

It was all too much. Too much. Heechul had to set it all aside too. Rather than comfort, he ended up having to tap Siwon’s cheek just to bring him back to the present.

“Sorry,” he mumbled with a shake of his head. ”I remembered it again.” That raid was the last time Siwon tried working for anyone else, is the only other thing he would say about it out loud. He broadcast the rest louder than an echo in a cave, though, he just didn’t know he was - right to Heechul like an open book, at least. Not a hint of a side gig since.

The grass only looks greener, as it were.

Finally, that portion of mental agony was over, tucked away back in its box. Upon realizing the massive amount of work that their contact being pulled out from under them meant, Heechul’s shoulders slumped. There was too much weight upon them.

However, he only allowed himself those two seconds of self-pity before squaring them back up. “Shit. That means there’ll still be a raid tomorrow night.” He checked, unwittingly holding his breath, but couldn’t get much detail. “That only gives us about a day and a half.” He counted off on his fingers as he called out instructions. “We need to put up glamour and force barriers on the rooms, make excuses, reschedule appointments, make sure all my kids have somewhere to stay for the night..."

A groan slipped out. But only one. How he dreaded this last part. “I’ll have to handle the backstage regulars. They would feel slighted if informed through an intermediary.”

While he was appreciative of his higher-paying customers in that they kept the show running, literally and otherwise, they always looked down their noses at him when complications came up. Fuck, he felt a headache coming on already. He pinched the spot just above the bridge of his nose. He’d have to add on the promises of a free service to make sure they kept silent about where they went and who ran the show - and he hated burdening his kids like that.

Hated it with everything in him, but the alternative was worse. He’s not risking any kind of prison cell for anyone.

“Of course, Master. I’ll initiate the protocol and distribute the workload immediately.” A floating schedule appeared next to Siwon, its constituent lines made of light if light could be smoke.

“Thank you. Time for me to get to my part of the work as well.” Heechul watches as Siwon carefully inspects the list and moves to assign each task. He stretches his arms out wide, a satisfying crack sounding in response, as he rotates his neck and searches his mind for where Alyssa is and what she’s doing. He needs her now more than ever. 

While her training had, of course, been intended to prepare her for bigger and better things, he needed that untapped power she was sitting on to pull this off on such short notice. It felt as though he had more to hide this time, more at stake, when in reality, the only new addition to the club was his little witch. A flush took over his cheeks quickly. He’d not felt the need to protect anyone quite so strongly since he’d made Siwon. “Stupid sex magic. Everything is amplified.”

He tried to sound mad about it, but inside, even if only to himself, he had to admit that he was more amazed at just how much change the ritual had wrought in the first place. He also decided then and there that he would not perform any sex magic with another person, ever.

Definitely not if it turned out like this. He didn’t want this with anyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No better way to learn, Heechul had insisted, than throwing you in to help with glamouring the back rooms to look like cramped offices and storage space. Everything was tightly coordinated - regimented, even, which was surprising to see in a place usually so loosely and chaotically run. Time constraints would do that, you supposed.

He rattled off instructions and even showed you exactly what you needed to do and say, but your brain was foggy with all the veins of magic flowing through the club. There was an anxiety running through the employees that you couldn’t help but soak up to some extent. “Let’s add empath to the list of things to deal with. That’ll be fun,” you said under your breath, none too pleased with the discovery. Your eyes rolled, but you continued with the task, pride not allowing you to step back and admit defeat.

Maybe even that little voice inside that was happy that Heechul was the one who needed you, for once, instead of the other way around. Just the thought made your ears burn.

Putting up the glamours was the easy part, though. Imbuing them with enough power to stay up for two entire days left you sweating and ravenous. You huffed, taking a second to wipe the sweat off your forehead and sip from the water bottle Mi had brought you hours ago, tossing it on his way past with a small smile and a congenial nod.

When all this work was done, you for sure had to get him to show you that one shade of purple again so you could try to find a matching dye. His hair had only held it for a second earlier.

You were getting distracted again. And you finally noticed that your hands were shaking, too. The strain was getting to you.

“Fucking hell. This shit is for the birds.” Your voice was tired and wavering. Hands on your hips, you stood there admiring the iridescent sheen from the last barrier you put into place. “God damn, I should have eaten first.”

“Such dirty words coming from such a pretty little mouth.” Of course, when you’re a sweaty mess, that’s when Heechul shows up to inspect your work. On his face blooms his signature smirk; after holding your attention on it for a second, he adds, “I like it,” with a ridiculous waggle of his eyebrows.

Damned if it didn’t make you want to kiss him again. You whimpered at the thought and immediately flushed, thinking that while he was still there.

As usual, though, he was gone before you could give the thought any weight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were carefully not thinking about the absurdity of taking a coffee break in a... house of pleasure where your magic training is happening, the legitimate front half of the building notwithstanding. Even after all the upheaval, there was something sort of amazing about creatures of all sorts here milling about, living their ordinary lives and being themselves. The comfortable atmosphere in this room left you feeling bold enough to lean back against the counter near where the siren was, the dull gray microwave buzzing on the other side of him. You were protected now, right? And his boyfriend was really friendly with you, so that’s gotta count for something.

"Hey," you said, wiggling your fingers in a sheepish wave. He acknowledged you with a sideways glance, but nothing more. After hours working quietly side by side, following his occasional directions about images and dimensions, that didn’t seem odd anymore. "Look, you can tell me if this is out of line, but I'm really curious about something."

"Hmm?" Ryeowook answered absentmindedly, watching Henry and Donghae play-fighting across the room with a fond half-smile. You may have even heard a faint, tuneless humming; couldn’t be sure, but you felt a little bolder, a little more free either way.

"Does the, uh, backstage work affect you at home?" This was so embarrassing to ask about, but you'd been dying of curiosity and this seemed like your best bet to get some answers. Usually, it was your training regimen that left you too drained to make conversation. To be honest, you were still kinda drained; it was hard to tell whether your thoughts made sense, your brain-to-mouth filter just about gone.

When Ryeowook turned to you, though, his brow was furrowed in confusion. "Why would I do work at home? Heechul’s wards and security are far better than anywhere else, even clubs supposedly owned by the very wealthy,” he pointed out, crossing his arms. “I only do work here."

"No, I mean, um," you blushed as your composure slipped further, not wanting to have to spell it out, "you know, you do-" You waved towards the hallway of back rooms. "You do this for work, so does it, uh, when you're at home, does it get in the way of, wait, no, does that cause any problems for you with," you were definitely red as a tomato now, your entire face aflame, "making love?"

But Ryeowook only blinked twice. "If he wanted to, we could."

"Oh! Oh, sorry, I didn't think- Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. You probably think I'm a jerk now, huh," you admitted clumsily, pursing your lips. I sound like an idiot! This was such a bad idea.

But he only hummed nonchalantly, turning away once more. "Hmm. Well, you wouldn't be the first to assume, only the first to apologize for it," he said offhandedly, taking a sip from his mug. "But it doesn’t matter to me. I suppose I take after my mother that way," he continued in a wistful voice, a touch of sorrow coloring his features. "Keeping my mate safe and happy is my heart's greatest desire."

"That's so sweet!" You cooed, genuinely touched by the sentiment, only to be met with an icy stare as he whirled around to face you.

"Don't know why I'm telling you all this," Ryeowook said while he pushed off from the counter, his tone acrid and sharp as though the words were meant to cut to the bone, his eyebrows drawing together in anger, startling you when he slammed his mug down on the hard surface. "I don’t care if you’re Heechul’s newest, shiniest project. If that's your power,” one peak of his upper lip curled up towards his nose in contempt, “let's not do this again. I need to get back to work."

"But wait, I didn't-" He'd crossed the short distance to the doorway in three quick strides and left before you could finish your sentence. "-do anything," you finished dejectedly, dropping your raised hand. Not that you knew what you were going to do with it anyway. You muttered under to yourself, “‘Make friends,’ he said. Do this, do that, blah blah blah.” Wait a second. Newest project?

What happened to the others?

“Don’t take it too personally,” a genial voice said next to you, cutting off your train of thought. Guess your muttering was louder than you’d realized. “He takes a while to warm up to most people.”

You turned to- not the butler. Mi. Seriously, still not a butler, you hastily reminded yourself. More of a jack of all trades? Maybe it was better not to call a shapeshifter that, so you went with, “You really think it’ll be okay? I feel like I screwed up pretty bad.”

“Welllll, maybe warm up isn’t the right word. But he’ll probably stop being an ass.”

“Probably?” Despite yourself, you laughed, smiling back at Mi’s toothy grin. He patted your shoulder in a friendly way before saying, “Excuse me, I need some tea,” his hair color and the shape of his arms changing three or four times between the microwave and what you’d come to call caffeine central more towards the back of the room.

Still, after the- intimacy you and Heechul had shared so far, the idea that you were one in a long line of projects, to be set aside whenever he decided he’d had his fun, rubbed you the wrong way.

Which not only lingered through your meal, but grew. And grew. And grew bigger still.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stomped down the extravagantly decorated hall, footsteps echoing off the marble tiles that probably set him back more than you cared to think about. A red haze settled in your mind as you mulled over the words Ryeowook spat to you. Hands curled into tight fists, you didn’t bother knocking before making entrance into his office. Hopefully, whatever sights awaited you wouldn’t be something you’d regret seeing, because you were way past caring now.

"So I'm your latest project, am I?" You flung the words at Heechul the very second you walked into the room.

"Feisty today, aren't you."

You wanted to slap him. Something. Anything. Instead you settled on a seethed, "What happened to the others?!"

Heechul laughed. "What happened?" He asked condescendingly, moving his upturned palm in a horizontal arc, his eyes following before landing back on you. "Look around you, darling."

"Argh!" You clenched your fists. Eyes rolling as you wanted to tear your hair out.  "Can't you just say what you goddamn mean for once?!"

But Heechul only sighed. "Really, you could stand to learn to read between the lines. Can't always rely on your power, you know." But as you glared, he seemed to relent a bit, his smile turning amused, his eyes a touch fond. "Haven't you noticed? Those who sincerely come to me for aid... I don't take that lightly. Why, I develop them to the fullest of their talents. How else could I build all this?"

Silence enveloped the room as you looked deep into his unwavering sight. Dammit, you sighed under your breath. He was being honest - well, his version of it anyway. Relenting yourself, you breathed out a long exhale. "...That's it?"

"Yes, that's 'it'. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement. My favorite kind," he finished with a smirk, alluding to extremely pleasant memories of the 'arrangement' already between the two of you.

You took a moment to gather what you wanted to say. His aura gave you a reason to pause. Your words needed to be chosen carefully. You gestured your hands between the two of you. “This? Us? Just me scratching your back and you scratching mine, I’ll assume?”

“We both know what assume means, sweetheart. Let’s not do that.” He turned to walk out, but before he made it through the doorway, he called out over his shoulder, “Good job out there. You’re doing better than I expected.”

Might’ve been better that he looked away before you could flip him off. You tried sending it mentally anyway, pleased to faintly hear his distinctive laugh. At that point, you didn’t know if the warmth in your heart that you felt a moment later was his or your own.

He kept getting you all mixed up like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donghae was speaking in hushed tones with Heechul when you rounded the corner. He noticed you coming in and moved to intercept you as the man you wanted made his smooth escape, right back into the office you’d just vacated. Damnit. “Come on, Alyssa, follow me. You need to let off some steam.” Objecting, you pointed towards the doorway where you were trying to go, because Heechul kept escaping conversation like some sort of extremely beautiful eel, but Donghae wrapped his hand firmly around your wrist, steering you in a completely different direction. “Your work is done for now. The boss has some things to tend to. He asked me to help you get some frustration out.”

Before he crossed the threshold to a room new to you, he looked at you, waggling his eyebrows. “I’m more than happy to help, Lys.” He giggled at your huffed response as he pulled you out a side door and a few buildings over into what looked like a gym at a country club, just on a smaller scale. Taking in the sights before you, your brain reeled at the possibilities of what Heechul was going to have you working on now.

“It’s not like I’m not appreciative for a break, but is physical fitness really important to my training? I’m fit enough, but…” Donghae shushed you with a finger to your lips.

Eyebrow raised, he explained. “This isn’t just gym class. Boss asked me to evaluate your skills. See where you are so we’ll know where to start.” You wondered what he was talking about. Surely you wouldn’t be stranded without your powers? He grinned as though he knew exactly what you were thinking. “Come on, just think of it as a bit of stress relief. Let me show you what I want you to be able to do.” He proceeded to throw a few punches, one sequence after another. A minute became more as he got more focused. 

You allowed your eyes to roam his form as he continued his session. The thick, corded muscles from his biceps down his back, his ass just as shapely as his chest was, even to his hips as they tightened and flexed as he danced around the hanging heavy bag. A small sheen of sweat coated his forehead as he threw hit after hit. You even noticed how his tongue was situated between his teeth at the corner of his mouth. It was cute, but then, you took his figure in again in its very nice entirety.

If anything, you were getting more frustrated, though certainly not the way he’d intended.

You weren’t blind. Donghae was fit. That was the simplest way to put it. But the way he moved around the bag gracefully almost had you forgetting he was a supernatural creature. His eyes had a dangerous focus blazing in them, and you shuddered to think of those who would be on the receiving end of an angry version of this barrage. You couldn’t help but find it attractive, mentally thanking Heechul for suggesting this break; truth be told, you didn’t even try to stop your gaze from going wherever it was drawn to. Oh, the things you could imagine...

He stopped at hearing a whine from you, his eyebrow raised high. For a second, you were irrationally terrified that he could read your thoughts too. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were staring, hard.” He looked none too surprised by that - amused, if anything.

Fuck. At least he couldn’t see what I was thinking. You stuttered out some nonsense, words failing you at the fact that he’d caught you drooling over him.

Eyes shut in embarrassment, you didn’t notice him move, which is why you ended up jumping in surprise when you heard his voice in your ear. “This is delicious. Thanks for the free meal.”

“I...” Damn this anxiety. “Hey wait, I didn’t tell you that you could do that!” He rolled his eyes, and, really, you could tell you needed to concentrate so you could get done and leave. For your sanity’s sake. You stepped to the bag and looked at him, wide-eyed and ready for his instruction without any further distractions. Hopefully.

He chuckled. “Let’s see what you got. Give me a few good sequences and we’ll call it a day. And I promise I won’t tell Heechul that you were eyeing me like a piece of meat. Besides, it’s my job to do the ogling around here.” He winked, making you feel a bit weak in the knees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“As I mentioned, we unfortunately have a highly contagious bout of illness, and thus, those facilities are unavailable for a couple of nights. We can reschedule your appointment if you would just come this way.”

“You’re a goddamned liar! Lemme back there!” Regular though this man may be, at the moment, he seemed to be doing his best to make the saying that hell is other people a reality. Heechul’s temper reached its last frayed thread.

“You, sir, need to calm the hell down. You’re at a fifteen and I need you at, like, a seven,” Heechul snidely commented as the regular patron threw every excuse in the book at him as to why he should be allowed inside even if no one else is there. The growl that rumbled at the back of his throat was deep and raspy, full of rage as the patron tried to push his way from the front waiting room onto the main floor. Heechul called out in a dead language - and suddenly, the snarling long-time customer was frozen on the spot.

The thread snapped.

No longer willing to hold back, Heechul took a deep sigh of relief as he got right in front of the now confused man. “I told you, countless times,” he emphasized as he bared his teeth, “we are closed for the next couple of nights. I can see that you refuse to take my words seriously, not even attempting to cooperate.” His hand glided up to the patron’s face as his nail traced his red, splotchy cheek. “What you fail to realize is just who,” Heechul took that same nail and raked it from the patron’s temple to his lips, leaving a deep, seeping wound behind, “I am.” Taking the customer’s chin in his other hand, he jerks the man’s head in the direction of the floor.

Seconds later, Heechul had drawn a crude symbol on the marble. “You will never step foot in this establishment again. Should you even try, I will know. I will hunt you down and tear you limb from limb. And I will enjoy every single second of it,” he hissed, face contorting in unbridled rage. Then he stood, straightening to his full height as the doors flew open.

As Heechul walked towards the doors, the man who was still immobile was moved to the opening. His body seemed to fly as he let out a terrified scream. 

“I don’t ever want to see you here again.” Heechul turned on his heel to walk away. He tilted his head a few degrees towards the sound when he heard Mi’s firm “Sir”, but didn’t falter in his step, as he had more important things to deal with. His favorite shapeshifter could handle the situation however he saw fit. Trash disposed of, Heechul added the area to be monitored more closely in addition to his typical security alert set, along with making a mental note to check his crew for potential teleporting capability or an ability to learn quickly so he could evaluate offering security training and shifts. There were plenty enough to rotate at the front and connecting doors, but in the back rooms...

That’s where danger turned on a dime.

Breathing slowly, Heechul ran his hand over the back of his neck. Problem after problem continued to appear. If he couldn’t entice some of the other customers to fill in those appointments, cover the disruption, it’d be two months at most before he had to evaluate dipping into the stash. The guilt of it ate at him whenever he couldn’t keep it entirely at bay. The ex-noble’s possessions were Heechul’s by right, but he hated exercising that option; Siwon was loyal, and good at his job, and would never turn down the request.

That it benefitted his safety as well as everyone in his employ was not as comforting as it should have been. Taking from it, even with permission, still felt like stealing. I need a drink.

No time. Back to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The static took over your vision as you saw bits and pieces of something happening. Grainy images and darkened tones did not help. Even as your eyes closed, you squeezed them tighter and found you could see through someone else at the moment, someone tall and weighed down by something. Equipment? What could- You could hear a sinister cackle to your right but the current head you were occupying wouldn’t turn so you could see who it was. Though, if your memory served you well enough, it sounded like Claude and he was headed somewhere with a mission.

You studied the surroundings of the overly dressed-up group of men you were envisioning. Sidewalks, street lamps, old brick. “Shit!” You yelled out, gasping for breath as your feet began to move without you willing them to. You couldn’t be bothered to apologize for knocking into the others as you dashed to where Heechul’s magic was emanating strongest.

The doorway to his office was shut with a supernatural energy, but somehow, your inner self anticipated it. Without breaking stride, your palm came up and a small glow emanated from it. Light enveloped the door, causing its edges to hum, opening to you silently but swiftly.

“They’re coming.” Your eyes darted around the room, taking in the sights of Heechul’s closest and most trusted. Gulping, feeling like you couldn’t get enough oxygen, you panted, “It’s happening early. The...” A boom against the barred doors down at the end of the hallway sounded throughout the club. “The raid. Claude got- someone to bump up the time frame.” Heechul was by your side in an instant as the rest of the crew flew out of the room, knowing exactly what they needed to do.

Author’s note: mad props to @thesirenandtheking​. An amazing sounding board, wonderful aesthetic maker when it comes to setting, and SUJU knowledge!!! Couldn’t do this without you.

[lemonadegarden]

Prompt: Bruce, Jason's grave, first christmas after he died. Make me cry pls and thank

Anything for you, Ren, my sweet sweet angst goblin.

Dick came home a week and a half before Christmas, carrying enough gifts with him to feed and clothe all of Gotham penitentiary, and a few orphanages to boot. He insisted that Bruce open one every day, and afterwards they would go looking for trees, or Christmas parties, or to a wreath making class, or learn how to make gingerbread houses.

Once they even went ice fishing. Dick caught a walleye. Ten pounder. Bruce caught nothing.

After their assorted Christmas themed activities, they would come home and Dick would make him open another present. Then it was a joyful long dinner, with pot roast and cranberry sauce and jellied consomme and roast beef with Yorkshire pudding and eggnog.

And then Dick would make him watch Christmas movies with him until long past midnight, and then Bruce would have to insist he had to go to bed, because they had a long day of opening presents and competitive skiing and glazed shrimp scampi ahead of them the next day.  

He lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. It was not easy to sleep, most nights. Dick had firmly told him that he was not to be patrolling around Christmas time this year. Kate would handle it. He sighed, turning over.

The house was quiet, save for the muted sounds of the TV from the downstairs lounge, where, no doubt Dick had fallen asleep without switching off the system.

 He got up a few minutes later, scrubbing at his face. Sleep would not be coming to him tonight. Tomorrow was Christmas Day. Perhaps it was why Dick had been extra enthusiastic in his gift giving attempts. He’d given Bruce a set of jade cufflinks, and a five hundred dollar espresso machine.

When he saw Bruce staring at him, Dick grinned. “I made the down payment a week ago, and I'll have paid the rest off by February.”

When Bruce shook his head, he saw Dick's face fall a little. “You don't like it?” Dick said.  

Bruce studied the espresso machine, trying to think of the best way to put it.

“I do like it,” he said finally. “But you need to stop trying so hard.”

There was a silence for a while. An unspoken weight.  

“You're not trying at all,” Dick said, his eyes on his shoes. His voice was quiet.

“I don't–”

“Can we– can we talk for a sec, Bruce?”

Bruce shoved his hands in his pockets. He didn't want to do that. “We're talking now,” he said.

“It's like, it's like you don't even want to move on!” Dick said, his hands up in the air, “after what happened to– what happened, you don't think I gotta live with that too? That I don't stay up nights thinking about how I could have done things differently and maybe, and maybe he wouldn't have–” Dick stopped talking, and went quiet. He was still look at his shoes, only now his jaw was clenched hard.  

Bruce realized with a start that Dick was trying not to cry.  

“Dick,” he started, “I'm–”

Dick was shaking his head. “You just want to die,” he was saying. He swiped at his cheek with the back of his hand, an abrupt, embarrassed gesture, “you don't even care.”

“That's not true.”

“It is,” Dick said, his voice low, “it is.”

Bruce looked away. “Dick, we don't have to talk about this now.”

Dick said nothing. “You mean, you don't want to talk about it,” he said.  

“No, I mean this is Christmas Eve and I don't want to ruin it for everyone,” Bruce said, quietly.  

Dick laughed a little. “Who's everyone, Bruce? Kate? Selina? Clark? No one's here. No one's coming to see you because you don't return their calls. You don't talk to them.”

“Let's talk about this later.”

“And I know you still haven't been going to work regularly, because Alfred called me up last month and told me. So all you do is sit at home or go to patrol, pretty much, huh?”

“Dick,” Bruce said.

“You act like this is all your fault and guess what, B. You're not that special. It was just a random, horrific thing that happened, and it's not all on you, you goddamn–”

“Dick!” Bruce snapped.

Dick fell silent. Through the windows across from them, Bruce could see the snow fall. It was going to be a white Christmas.

He sighed. His skin felt too tight on his face. “I'm sorry,” he said.  

Dick nodded stiffly. “Me too,” he said, after a while.

And that had been that. An hour later, Dick was back to normal, forcing Bruce to go to the the Neimann-Bauer annual Christmas Eve benefit, and making sure that he wore his new jade cufflinks and drank coffee out of the new espresso machine. After the benefit, they drove home in the Bentley while Dick talked his ear off about the new Radiohead album or something like that.

Then they came home, and went to bed. Or tried, in Bruce's case.  

He walked over to a window and looked outside. It had stopped snowing, at last. Tomorrow morning would be beautiful. A dreamscape, something out of a surreal painting. The whole lawn of Wayne Manor swathed in white.  

He pressed his forehead against the glass. Closed his eyes.

*

Bruce drove to the cemetery.

He couldn't explain why he did it, especially in the dead of the night, and just after it had snowed, too. He just felt as if he had to. His mother had always told him it was impolite not to wish family members Merry Christmas. Even ones that lived far away. You were supposed to call. It was the right thing to do. In the morning, he was going to apologize to Dick. Make things good with him. He just wanted to wish Jason first.  

He got out of the car, turning up the collar of his overcoat. It was deathly cold. The cemetery was far from the manor, situated in Gotham proper. It had been near Jason and his mother's house, back when they had still lived there.  

At the time, he had felt that Jason would want to be buried next to his mother.

He walked along the neat row of graves, his hands in the pockets of his overcoat. His breath came out in puffs of mist. Jason's grave was in the third row. He stood in front of it, coming to a stop.

“Hi,” he said. Then he cleared his throat, because his voice had come out all rough and strange.  

“Hi,” he said again. “Merry Christmas.” He paused again, unsure of what to say.  There was a long silence. “Alfred made plum cake again, Jay. It was perfect. You would have loved it.” He looked away.  This had truly been one of his more idiotic ideas, driving down here through the snow and the iced up roads in the middle of the night, to talk to a rock about a cake.  

He clenched his jaw. “Maybe it's stupid, talking like this. I don't know where you really are. Maybe you're nowhere at all. I don't know what– what I believe.”

Jason wasn't in heaven, he thought. He wasn't in hell either, or anywhere in between. He wasn't six feet underground, listening to Bruce as he talked. Jason just… wasn't.  

And yet something strange in Bruce's chest kept him talking. Kept him from acknowledging the horrible decision that this had been, and driving back to his house and getting back into his warm bed.  

He brushed away some of the snow from the gravestone, idly. “I'm sorry,” he said, “you know I'm not good with words.” He realized that he'd forgotten to wear gloves. His hands would be numb soon. Right now they were just cold.

“That was always Dick's strong suit,” he continued, in a low voice. “Words, I mean. He always knows the right thing to say.”

“He's been trying really hard this Christmas. To forget, I suppose. He needs that,” Bruce said, “I owe him that.”

A wind had started to pick up, and he could hear a faint rustling coming from somewhere. Possibly just a rat. “He said something to me today. He said that I just wanted to die, now that you're gone.”

Bruce furrowed his brow, “It's true,” he said, “isn't it? I don't think I knew it myself.” He shrugged.

“Wouldn't be so bad,” he said, thinking. “Dick could handle things in place of me, in Gotham. I trust him. And everyone else would just carry on, I suppose. And I'd be with you. No one would mind too much, I think. Clark or Selina or any of the others.”

He looked at the gravestone, frowning. “People move on,” he said.  Other people, he thought. It was a thing they did. Moved on.

If Jason was here he's have done an elaborate snort. Apparently not you, you emotionally repressed asshole, he'd have said, or something as equally sardonic.

“No,” Bruce said lightly, “not me.” He touched the freezing edge of the gravestone again, with light fingers. “In my defense, it's only been three months. And I did love you so much,” he said quietly. “I didn't say that enough, how much I loved you. I'm so scared that you died not knowing. I lie awake at night thinking about it. Did you know?”

The gravestone answered him with an expected silence, and Bruce almost half-smiled. He truly had gone insane. Asking questions to a grave.

He reached into his the pocket of his coat, and took out a pair of car keys. He knelt down, and placed it in front of the grave.

“Merry Christmas,” he said, smiling. “It's only a  Honda Odyssey, so don't get too ahead of yourself. I bought it almost six months ago. Wanted to surprise you for Christmas. I just thought, with you turning sixteen next year and all. You might've wanted me to start teaching you. That's all.”

He knelt there for a while, the snow soaking through his pants and the cold going straight to his knees. “That's all,” he said again, his voice low. “Just thought you might appreciate it. You could drive to school and back, and go out with that girl you wanted to ask to homecoming. Take her to the movies or something,” he smiled, “I know you think that I didn't know about her, but I overheard you talking to Dick about it. And she came to the funeral with her mom. She seemed like a very nice young lady.”

She'd cried a lot. An uncomfortable amount, and Bruce had had to look away.

He hadn't felt much at the funeral at all. Only a faint sense of embarrassment at all the crying around him. Jason would have been amused.

He hadn't felt anything after that initial night in Ethiopia. And even that couldn't have been strictly classified as feeling, so much so as his mind just shutting down and focusing on getting the body home. He could barely even remember it now. A feeling like there was a stone in his stomach, something that got heavier and heavier as the days went by. At the funeral, while he watched everyone cry, in the kitchen, when he saw a half empty box of Reese's puffs. At conferences at work, when he could feel all the interns staring at him while Lucius talked about EPA regulations in their factories in Detroit. When he saw a pair of socks that one of the maids had mistakenly put into his drawer instead of Jason's.  

All along, the stone in his stomach was turning, solidifying, building on itself, layer by layer. Getting heavier and heavier. And he had foolishly believed that he was going to feel nothing forever.

It had only been the morning after the funeral, when he'd gotten into the shower before going to work that he'd just… stopped. He'd looked at the water swirling down the drain, and some strange, anomalous part of his brain had decided that it was time to snap. The stone had split open. Cracked in half.

After that he had gone straight back to bed. And he hadn't gone to work for a week, until Alfred called Dick and made him come down to Gotham and talk to Bruce. That had been September.

This was now. His brain still felt snapped. Broken into several pieces, chunks of them floating aimlessly in cerebrospinal fluid, gray and useless. Shattered, was the right word. Shattered.  

The car keys lay in the snow. Bruce stared at them. A car. What a naive idiot he had been.

“I think he's having a breakdown or something,” he had heard Dick whisper into his phone, that morning that he'd driven down, a week after the funeral. He didn't care what Dick said. He didn't care about anything at all. He lay in bed, staring at a patch of wall. His son was dead. His son was dead.

“Bruce,” Dick had whispered when he'd hung up. He'd put a hand on his shoulder. “You have to get out of bed,” he said.  

Bruce had closed his eyes and pretended he was asleep.  

“Okay,” he said now, “okay. Bye, Jaybird.” He stood up, brushing the snow off his legs.  

Tomorrow morning he was going to smile when he opened his presents, and he was going to give Dick that picture of the two of them that he had had framed, of when Dick was very small and they had gone to the zoo the first time. And then he was going to give him the paperwork that said that Zitka officially belonged to Gotham Zoo now, and no longer the circus, which had stopped showcasing animals. Bruce had donated enough money to the zoo that they had had an enclosure made, with plenty of room for her. Another elephant was being shipped in from a zoo in Arkansas, so she wouldn't be alone.

Because that was the last thing anyone wanted. To be alone.

To new beginnings, he would say into Dick's collar, as they hugged, and then they would take a family photo with Alfred, without only three chairs instead of four, and that night they would eat a pot roast they wouldn't be able to finish because Alfred had used his old recipe that accounted for four people. And they would pretend not to notice and Alfred would pack the leftovers and the next morning Dick would go back to Bludhaven.  

And Bruce would just have to carry on, with his snapped brain and the shattered stone in his stomach, and he would wave goodbye as Dick pulled out from the driveway.  And then the rest of his unbearable life would go on and on forever until he was dead.

To new beginnings, indeed.

He gave the gravestone one last look. Then he walked off, towards the car. The car keys lay where he'd left them, in the snow.  

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & Buster

Ava: Are you lot en-route? Buster: 'Course Buster: But we've had one foot out the door for like half an hour, honestly Ava: Good, 'cos I have presents Buster: Yeah? Buster: Pot of gold or what, like Ava: Hardly appropriate for a two-year-old Ava: None for you, soz 💔 Buster: I'd argue it's very appropriate Buster: All the shit he needs haemorrhages cash Ava: You were warned Ava: Extensively Buster: And I ain't sorry I didn't listen Buster: They can all try and sue me Ava: Enter an arena where they aren't the experts? Ava: Doesn't sound like mum and dad Buster: No such arena exists, clearly Buster: Know it all, have done it all Ava: Your degree must be a waste of time then Buster: You'd have to ask 'em what they reckon Buster: But I'd wait til they've got a few more drinks down 'em first, get closer to the truth Ava: Ugh, shut up Ava: You know they're proud of you Buster: Yeah yeah, blah blah Buster: But are you proud of me? Real MVP and everything Ava: When you get your cap and gown Ava: Funny wig, even better Ava: I still only got stuff for the kids and Ri though Ava: I'll chase a 🌈 down ASAP Buster: You're alright Buster: Already got a girlfriend, don't you? Buster: No need to get gayer just to wind me up, Nance has got that covered Ava: Ha, don't even chat to me about annoying Buster: I won't Ava: 😏 Ava: No, you're meant to ask, idiot Ava: You're so lucky you only have a son Buster: Tell me then Buster: I want a girl next Ava: Well she's not coming back, not that I'm surprised Buster: What bullshit excuse did she go with this time? She's got too much work on, girlfriend drama or she just hates fam functions SO MUCH Ava: It was column A presented but 1000% came across as column C Ava: She can be so Buster: I know Buster: Did she try and buy you off with an NYC trip that ain't gonna happen just like the last one didn't? Ava: Twin telepathy is real, yeah? Ava: 🙄 Buster: Fuck that and her Buster: I told you before, when you actually wanna go I'll take you Buster: Then you only have to see her a bearable amount Ava: I know Ava: It'd be interesting to see how long she could hold a conversation with me but yeah Ava: won't happen so Buster: Longer than she can with me or dad, probably slightly less time than she can with mum, depending what mood they are both in Buster: That'd be my bet Buster: Chin up, the good twin is finally on his fucking way Ava: Sounds about right Ava: Good time to tell you to call her yourself later or do you want a drink before you process that? Buster: Bad time to be forced to remember that I told Rio right at the start I wouldn't drink when she couldn't Ava: Honestly, I thought this kid was PLANNED Ava: She couldn't Christmas or New Year either Buster: She was planned, just not by me Ava: 'Course, you would've factored in drinking Ava: Must be their gay agenda Buster: There's loads of shit I'd have factored in Ava: That's your upbringing talking Buster: Shut up Ava: It is though Ava: Personally, I agree its better than the more the merrier approach too Buster: You'll personally be waiting a load more years before you make me play uncle then, yeah? Buster: Good Ava: Ugh Ava: Don't be making me 🤢 just because green is the colour today Buster: Gotta Buster: Who the fuck is there to be jealous of when we're us? Ava: You couldn't go the more traditional routes, no? 🍾🥂 Ava: Seeing as I'm NOT pregnant or being a very supportive partner to someone who is Buster: Come on, who am I? Buster: And you can leave me out of your rites of passage, I've cleaned up enough sick in the name of being a supportive partner Buster: Grace'll hold your hair back for you Ava: There's no need to be old AND boring 😏 Buster: Fuck off Buster: Counting down the days til I can drink you under the table Ava: Dad lets me Buster: There's nothing dad won't let you do Buster: Got him well wrapped around your finger, like Ava: It's not my fault I'm the most lovable Ava: Do better 😋 Buster: That's the one title you can keep Buster: Got all the love I need, cheers Ava: 🤢🥰 Ava: N'awh Buster: Lyla didn't wanna come and hang with the extended fam then? Ava: Wouldn't do that to someone I liked, would I? Buster: Depends how much you like her Ava: Nah Ava: That's all a bit heavy Buster: Well yeah Buster: It would be a trial by fire Ava: Then pissed on Ava: then set on fire again Ava: I like having time away when I come here, you know Ava: Not attached at the hip Buster: I know Ava: I'll send her a hilarious postcard or something Buster: You sounded like Nance there Buster: No need to miss her at all Ava: Fuck off Buster: You're right she'd never write it Buster: Half her holiday would be over before she got the words down Ava: 😂 Ava: Rude Buster: It's fuck all I wouldn't say to her face if she ever bothered to show it Ava: Can no one in this family be nice Ava: Honestly Buster: Come on Buster: I'm nice to you Buster: You ain't even bought me a present Ava: I know, I'm very lovable Ava: Have you got me one? Buster: Yeah but you ain't having it now Ava: Yeah right Ava: I know who gets last word in your house Ava: and Rio is nice to everyone Buster: She's nicest to me and she always does what I say Buster: So you might wanna think again Ava: That's entirely too much information, thank you Ava: you owe me double as compensation Buster: You ain't having two bottles Buster: Keep the first one down and then we'll talk Ava: Challenge accepted Buster: Good Buster: Don't really wanna have to disown you before the day's out Ava: Least there's enough of 'em to fall back on should you get the urge Ava: I'll survive Buster: Keep that quiet around mum, it's still them and us with her Ava: Sounds familiar 🙄 Buster: You're bound to hear it yet again by the time she's had a few Ava: Not if I have anything to do with it Buster: Sounds like you've got a plan Ava: As planned as a party should ever be Buster: Yeah Ava: 💃🎉 Ava: Hurry up Buster: Traffic's worse than London at its finest right now Buster: Everyone on the road's either already wasted or angry they ain't Ava: Stay safe Buster: 'Course Buster: Speaking of, where you staying tonight? Ava: Tipsy childcare is better than no childcare Ava: No need to beg Buster: Shut up, I'll drive you is all I'm saying Ava: Cheers 💙 Buster: I'll cash the IOU when you're sober, like Ava: Better cash it before I cash my 2nd present then Buster: Forget it for now, it's a holiday Ava: That's what I've been saying Buster: You ain't gotta tell me, even if today I can't play as hard as I work Buster: Still not a fucking amateur Ava: Still a McKenna Buster: First and best Ava: Hardly Buster: If we're going by mum's them and us viewpoint, there's hardly any competition Buster: Just you and me, kid Ava: Well I'm just saying, Granddad is gonna be fuming Buster: Everything you learned about wrapping dad round your little finger you got from watching me with him Buster: I ain't worried Ava: Pfft Ava: My baby blues are bluer and my pout is poutier Ava: I'm the new model, boy Buster: 'Cause you need 'em to fall back on Buster: I'm just that good Buster: you're the youngest model that's all Buster: Due a spectacular fuck up about now Ava: You wish Ava: On all counts Buster: Nah, I'm rooting for you Buster: 'Course I am Ava: Mhmm Ava: Dead convincing 😏 Buster: I always am Buster: Wig or no wig Ava: So soppy, you Ava: Have title of my best big brother Buster: That's a copout but whatever Ava: And fussy Ava: Alright best sibling but that isn't much more of an achievement really Buster: Don't worry about it Buster: I know how great I am Ava: Yeah yeah, blah blah Buster: Get me the least shit sounding soft drink and I'll believe you Ava: If there's anything being tragically underage has taught me Ava: 👍 Buster: Cheers Buster: See you in 5 Ava: Bring your cute kid Buster: I taught him how to say “Sláinte” earlier so you'll be able to rate my achievements for yourself Buster: He ain't just a pretty face Ava: 🥺🥰 Ava: What a face though Buster: I can't take all the credit Buster: He takes after his mother Buster: Tell her how good she looks when we get in, yeah? I'm living a nightmare Ava: 'Course Ava: I've got a girlfriend, remember Ava: I know the drill, just amp up period level love 1000% for a pregnant bitch Buster: My wife ain't a insecure teenager Buster: But I appreciate the sentiment Buster: Just don't call her a bitch ever again Ava: I say it with love Ava: from one to another Ava: but got it, I'll remind her she's old Buster: Don't Buster: It'll be your funeral Ava: 😂 I only like winding you u Ava: p Ava: Don't need anyone crying on me Buster: Good Buster: I don't need to be breaking up any girl fights Buster: Especially when I've taught you both everything I know Ava: Even if me hitting a girl is more acceptable than you, I think everyone draws the line at a pregnant one Buster: Fine, I don't wanna pick you up off the floor once she's knocked you out and do a concussion test after someone pours a pint over you to bring you round Buster: I was trying to soften the blow of how it'll play out since I'd be powerless to stop the actual Ava: And I thought you were in the festive spirit Ava: 🙄 Ava: I'll take back this virgin cocktail, like 😏 Buster: Not without any spirits in me Buster: You'll have to take what you can get Ava: Few folk songs and you'll be well into it Buster: Voice of an angel, obviously Buster: Could've been a choir boy if not for everything else Ava: You took living vicariously a wee bit hard with the name already Buster: You'd have preferred me to name him after a silent film star, yeah? Ava: That was pure wishful thinking 🙊🤐🤫 Buster: Fucked over as my boy's been by not being named Rudolph Valentino or Roscoe Arbuckle, I reckon he'll be alright Buster: Cheers though Ava: I think Fatty murdered someone Ava: so as far as aspirations go, you're in the right direction Buster: I always am Buster: Never a misstep made, no matter what mum and dad say Ava: Alright 👼 its St Paddy's not confessional Ava: and the priest would be rare pissed off if you waltzed in and said you'd never done anything wrong 😂 Buster: He'd be a fine one to talk Ava: The drama of it all Buster: Again, I don't need to be told Buster: There's a kid here asking for you, except shouting's more the word Ava: He gets it 👏 Ava: 💃 Buster: Come out before he legs it in

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.