#i've had it in my drafts for over a month and today is the day

[chansshands]

Bed bugs

Pairing: Idol! Chan x fem! reader

Genre: smut, fluff, maybe crack idk

Warnings: slight choking (just a hand on the neck, nothing more) (f! receiving), dry humping, oral sex (m! receiving), make-out session, cuddles, mention of Chan's room.

Author notes: when I first started writing "Physiotherapy and Coconut Oil" back at the beginning of October, I was convinced to write it as fluff, mainly because I can't write smut; after a couple of weeks, I left it in my drafts, and leave it there till the first two weeks of December, I was under heavy medication bc I had a painful surgery on my foot, and the only thing that helped to go through insomnia caused by the pain was writing that story, I wrote and wrote day and night, and it helped so so much, that's why I was shocked when @ardef38 asked for a pt 2, so here you go love, I hope you like it.

(Kinda proof read, it’s 1:40 am as I’m ’reading’ this so, be patient I’ll correct any mistakes later)

Fun fact: I do really ride motorcycles since I was 17 (and yes I may be reckless).

Word count: +4k (I got carried away I’m sorry)

Thank you so much, I really, really appreciate all the feedback, I love you all.🩷

Sincerely Glo

As always, requests are open!

-✉️

I'm so insecure about my English. As I said, it's not my first language, and I'm always scared to make mistakes or stuff like that. So, if you find mistakes, please let me know. I'll be thankful, and my English will improve!

-✉️

You can read part one here

"Stop moving. I'm trying to sleep."

he mumbles on your back

"I can't, I'm sorry."

You mumble

"Why? What is happening, baby?"

he asks, hugging you tighter

"Uhm, I'm sorry my insomnia is bothering me, I-i don't know why."

"What can I do for you? A cup of tea? cuddles?"

he asks

"I don't know either, honestly, usually I stay in bed and stare at the ceiling."

"It's a common thing?"

he whispers, almost like he doesn't want to be heard by someone

"What? That I can't sleep? Oh yeah, definitely.”

you say, turning yourself towards him

"Mh"

"You should be tired, you know that? after a full day of work and after what we did."

he says

"I know, Channie, but my brain can't shut down."

"I have an idea."

he says, hugging you tighter, your head on his chest with his hand between your hair

"What?"

you ask, looking at him

"Shhhh, just close your eyes and relax, okay?"

"Mh, okay. I doubt that whatever you're about to do, you'll make me fall asleep."

"Shshhh"

close your eyes

go to sleep

know my love is all around

dream in peace

when you wake

you will know I'm still with you

He repeats the verse over and over until you don't hear him anymore.

You know that you fall asleep because of his voice and the lullaby that he was singing, and the way he was stroking your hair gently, but mostly because he's warm; one time, someone said that he's like the feeling of walking in a warm room after spending the whole day out in the cold. It's true he really is like that domestic feeling.

"Good morning, ray of sunshine. How did you sleep?"

he asks you when you walk into your kitchen

"Oh, good morning. I thought you were already gone and good. I don't know which magic you've put in your cuddles and voice, but I haven’t slept like this in months."

you say

"Gone? No, I had to make you breakfast since I've slept over and used your bathroom to shower. I also used your body wash. Now I know why you smell so good."

he says while working on something at the stove

"That's why the bottle is half empty."

you giggle, hugging him from behind

"I'm sorry. I'll rebuy it for you."

he says

"Ya, it's okay, you don't have to. you smell like me now,"

"Yep, and trust me, I love it."

he says

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm"

"Aaah, you're warm, Channie it's freezing today even if it's mid-summer."

you say, hugging him from behind

"It has rained all night, we didn't notice because we were...umh...busy."

he says, turning towards you

"Busy...yeah...Chan, oh my god, it was...did I do these?"

you ask, touching his neck and chest

"No, no, it was a bed bug."

"Ehi -you slap his chest- I-god, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too. we got carried away, didn't we?"

he says, touching your neck and making you shiver

"Definitely, but I'm going to be honest I don't mind it and I don’t regret it.”

you say, smiling and kissing him on his naked chest

"Chan...-you say, sniffing around- something is burning."

"NO THE PANCAKES!"

he quickly turns towards the stove, swearing and mumbling against the burnt cakes

"Fuck, i-i wanted to make you breakfast."

he pouts, looking at the burnt pancakes

"It's okay, Channie -you giggle- thing like this happens when you're distracted."

"So you're saying that is your fault?"

he asks, looking at you, one of his dimples popping out

"Yeah, definitely."

you laugh

"Okay, put something on. I'll buy you breakfast."

"No."

you say

"Yes."

he says

"No."

"Yes."

"I said no."

"And I said yes."

"Channie, you don't have to"

"But I want to"

he says

"But-ugh, what if people see us around."

you say

"You're part of the staff, and we can go to the JYP cafeteria, the one inside the building."

"Mh, okay, but with one condition."

"Which one?"

he asks

a smirk appears on your face

"I don't like that smile."

he says

"I'll take you to the building with my motorcycle."

"You-you can ride?"

he asks

"yeah, I thought you liked it when I did it on your-"

"Shsh, don't-shut up, okay, okay."

he says, covering your mouth with one of his hands

"You're not reckless, aren't you?"

he asks with a worried tone

"Me? Reckless? absolutely not."

you smile

"That smile...I don't trust you."

"Not my business, Channie."

10 minutes later, you are in the elevator, and funny to say, but both of you choose a black hoodie (mostly because you have to cover your hickeys and not to catch a cold since the air is fresher)

"You copied my outfit."

you say, looking at him

"Do it look like I'm wearing Doc Martens and leggings?"

he asks, looking at you

"No, even if you would look good in leggings, but your outfit is total black, just like mine."

"I always dress like this."

“I aLwAyS dReSs LiKe ThIs”

You mock him

“It’s true, my whole wardrobe is black.”

"Yeah, but you still copied my outfit."

you smile, walking outside the elevator, Chan being by your side

"Jagiya.."

he says

"Mh?"

you say, not paying attention to the feeling that you felt in your stomach after that nickname

"I'm scared."

he says, looking at his feet

"About..?"

you say opening your garage door

"I've never been on a motorcycle."

he says shyly

"It's okay, Channie. There is a first time for everything. I'm going to explain everything, okay?"

"You-fuck, you can drive this thing?"

he asks

"Yeah, she's my baby."

"Baby? it's huge, how can you manage to drive this?"

you shrug your shoulders, looking at him

"I just do it, just trust me okay?"

"I do trust you."

he says

"Yeah?"

you ask, looking at him, and he simply nods

"Okay, big boy, put this on."

you say, giving him one of your motorcycle jackets

"I hope it fits; one of my friends gifted it to me, but she took three sizes bigger than mine, and I couldn't return it."

"It's a little bit tight on my shoulders."

he says, closing the zip

"It fits perfectly; you have protections, so it has to be tight."

you say, zipping your protective jacket

"It's weird. I'm not used to tight things."

he says, putting his backpack on his shoulders again

"Now, move, I have to take the motorcycle out of the garage. Can you grab the two helmets there? and when you're out, close the door, please."

you say, pointing at a wood cabinet. You press the clutch and move backward with the motorcycle; when the bike is in the correct position, you press down the stand.

"Okay, give me these."

you say, taking the helmets from his hands

"I'm going to put the helmets on you, okay, and I'll explain everything."

you say, putting the helmet on him. You do the same with yours

"Does it feel loose?"

you ask

"No, it's perfect."

you can see him smiling even if half of his face is covered

"And now -you press the inter-phone button- can you hear me?"

"Oh yeah, it's like you're inside my head."

he giggles

you turn on your bike, leaving her roar

"Damn, it's loud."

he giggles

"Okay, so -you say, straddling the motorcycle pushing the stand up with your foot- use that thing to get on and sit here."

you say, patting on the small sitting place for him

"Are you sure you can-?"

he asks

"Yes, trust me, Chan, I've been riding since I was 17."

you smile at him

he sits behind you, getting more comfortable once the bike is stable

"See? You won't fall; both of my feet are on the ground."

"Keep your feet there when we're on the road, don't put them on the ground at a red light or a stop sign. You have to put your arms around me tight or on the tank, especially when I brake; you'll feel it, so don't worry. When we take a turn, you have to follow me with your body. You're basically my shadow, or even better, my backpack, so follow every movement I make, okay?"

you say

"Yep"

"Now, arms around me."

you say, waiting for his arms

"Hold on tight."

you say before pressing the clutch with your left and putting the first gear with your left foot

"Here we goooo."

you say

"Oh my god, we're moving, ahah wow."

"Hold on tight, Channie."

you say, patting on his hands

"That's-wow, oh my god."

"You want me to go faster?"

you say once you're on the road

"Fuck yes"

he says

and you do as he said. You accelerate and shift gear; the sun has been out for hours, so the road is dry now.

"How does it feel?"

you ask him

"It's like, I don't know how to explain it."

"Freedom?"

you suggest

"Yeah, yes, that's the right word."

he says

"That's why you do it? I mean, that's why you drive?"

you hear his voice through the inter-phone, and you simply nod.

"Can you go faster? I wanna feel free."

he says

"Of course."

you giggle, and you shift once again the gear, the two of you speeding in the streets of Seoul, zig-zagging between the buses, cars, and taxis

"Oh my gooood, too fast, too fast"

he almost screams

"Ahahah, just hold onto me, and you'll be fine, Channie. Trust me."

the grip of his arms around your waist getting tighter

"You're crazy."

he says

"I know"

"And reckless, and oh my god, I want to do this every day."

he says

"I know -you laugh- should I pick you up tomorrow?"

"Oh, I—I'm not that brave. God, you have a big pair of balls to drive a thing like this. I could never."

"Oh, you could, and you would look so hot in one of these, with a compression shirt on-ush what a vision."

you say

"Are you fantasizing about me?"

he asks

"I mean, yeah, you as a biker? damn, Christopher, I would be on my knees."

you say, teasing him

"You were on your knees for me yesterday, and definitely, I'm not a biker."

he says, teasing you back

"I- you- uh- I hate you."

you say

"Yeah, yeah, it was clear with all the 'oh, ah' that you were whimpering against my ear last night."

he says, placing one of his hands on your thighs

"Oh-you-shut up"

you say, glad that he can't see the color of your cheeks

"Here we are person that I absolutely hate, and it's banned from my house."

you say braking and turning off the motorcycle once you're in the proper park

"Oh c'mon, I was joking -he says, taking off his helmet- I'll never mention cute whimpers again."

he pouts

"Shhh, are you crazy talking about this here?"

"Right, 'm sorry, where do I put this?"

he asks, lifting his helmet

"Oh, just bring it with you."

you say

"So...umh, breakfast?"

he asks, breaking the silence between the two of you

"Yeah, breakfast."

you sigh, looking at him, his hair messed up because of the helmet

"Ladies first"

he says, opening the front door of the building for you

"Oh, what a gentleman."

you say, walking toward the elevator, bowing to the person who just stepped out of the elevator

"Yeah, gentleman."

he mumbles, pressing the number three, and once the elevator doors closed, you talk

"What you're mumbling about?"

you look at him

"Nothing"

"Chan, c'mon, you can't do this after what we did."

"I'm -he sighs- I let you go first to look at your ass in those stupid leggings, so I'm not a gentleman."

he crosses his arms

"Oh, well, I'll make sure to put them more often."

you say, shrugging your shoulders

"You're not mad?"

he asks

"that you look at my ass when you can? No. You literally saw me naked, so that's nothing of this -you point at your whole body- that you haven't seen."

"Mh, good to know."

he smirks, and once the lift doors open, he goes

"Ladies first, of course."

he winks at you and you can do nothing but laugh at him.

after a couple of minutes of indecision, his indecision actually, he brings to the table two tall cups of cappuccino and a piece of cake for him

"You sure that you don't want a bite?"

he asks, offering you a piece of pie

"Hundred percent Chan"

you smile at him

"Do you have to work today?"

he asks

"Uhm... no, I don't think so, actually. I'm here just for breakfast—you giggle—why?"

"I have to meet with Han and Binnie for some fixes on a new song and do the usual Sunday live, so...would you mind coming with me?"

"I- you- you want me in your studio?"

"Yes"

"The one where no one is allowed?"

"Mhmm"

he nods, sipping on his cappuccino

"The one where the darker aura Christopher works?"

"Yes, that one."

"Mh, okay, if you... don't mind having me there."

you shrug your shoulders

"I don't mind it. You have a relaxing effect on me."

he says

"Interesting"

you say, sipping on your coffee

"The boys are already there. Should we go?"

"I follow you, mister dark aura."

"Oh, shut up."

he says, looking at you

"Hello everyone"

he says, entering in the studio

"Hi Hyung"

the bandmates say at the same time

"Oh, y/n? Hi, what are you doing here?"

"I-uh, I saw him in the middle of the street, he was like an abandoned puppy."

"Hey"

he says, sitting down in his working chair

"So I offered him a ride on my motorbike, and to pay me back, he offered me breakfast."

you laugh nervously

"You ride a motorcycle?"

changbin asks

"Yes? why does everybody find this weird."

you say

"I don't know, you don't look like someone who rides a motorcycle."

Binnie says

"But I am."

you laugh, sitting on the couch in the studio

The three men start working on the new song. You're not paying too much attention because

1. you're too distracted by the way Chan gets so severe when he's at work, so bossy but at the same time gentle with his members

2. you're working too, on your phone, but you're working, planning all the appointments with the members and the artists of JYP

"Oh, looks like someone had fun last night."

you hear Han's voice, and you're head snaps toward his direction so fast that you hear a crack in your neck

"Yeah, you weren't home last night. Where were you last night, Chan?"

Changbin says

then you notice that Chan took off his hoodie, revealing all the hickeys and bite marks on his neck

"What?"

he asks, looking at them

"Your neck Chan, what the fuck? What did you do?"

Han asks

"Uh, bed bugs."

he says, typing and clicking on his computer, not paying too much attention to them

"Yeah, a big one."

Han says

"One with human teeth"

Changbin laughs

"Oh shut up, the two of you."

Chan says, his cheeks turning pink

"Who is she?"

asks the two gossipy men

"No one, it was a bed bug."

he says once again

"Do you know anything about this?"

Changbin asks, and both of them turn toward you

"Uh, bed bugs are big these days."

you shrug your shoulders

"Mh, yeah."

they look at each other with a smirk

after a couple of minutes, they stopped asking about his marks and focused again on their work, recording some chorus, laughing when someone went out of tune, and listening over and over again at the song till it was perfect

"Aaaaand we're done."

Chan says, stretching up his arms in the air and clapping at the work of 3racha

"Aaaagh, I'm hungry."

Changbin says

"Me too."

Han says

"Hyung, y/n wanna join us for lunch?"

"Oh no, I must go now, maybe next time."

you smile at them

"I have to do the live so."

chan says

"Oh, okay."

they say

"Bye Hyung, Y/N see you on Tuesday."

Han says

"Bye guys, see you."

you smile

"Hyung, see you at the dorm and make sure to eat, or you get nervous, little bed bug…See you on Tuesday."

Binnie says, smiling at you and closing the door behind his back

"HOW THE FUCK DID HE?"

you say, covering your face with your hands

"He's not stupid."

Chan says

"But don't worry, they won't spill anything to anyone, that's for sure."

he gets up from his chair, locks the door of the studio, and walks toward you

"Ugh, are you sure?"

you ask, your voice muffled by your hands

"Yes, I trust them with my whole life. They're nosy, I know, but we have a rule: what happens or what we say in the studio stays in the studio."

He says, sitting next to you.

"Are you sure? I- I loved hat we did, and I love our bond, but I don't want to lose my job, Chan, I've worked so hard to be here, and I don't want to ruin everything because I had sex with you."

you say, looking at him

"Ouch"

he says

"No, no, I don't want you to think that I'm using you because I'm not okay? I loved our friendship way before what happened last night."

"I get what you're saying, y/n, don't worry, it's just that you're...I don't know…after what we did, I don't know what are we? friends? Best friends? friends with benefits?"

he looks at you

"Friends with..."

"Benefits, you know, two friends that have sex occasionally but remain friends."

"Yeah, Chan, I know what friends with benefits are."

"So?"

"What?"

you ask

"Friends with benefits? it will be our dirty little secret."

he says

"Mh, friends with benefits"

you nod

"Let's start this thing from now, yeah?"

he says, pulling your face towards him

"Yes, fuck yes."

you say, breaking the distance between the two of you, kissing his plumped lips again

"The door is locked, and we have about thirty minutes."

he says between the kisses

"Ugh, not enough time."

you say, pulling back from him

"We can go back to my place after the live, yeah?"

he nods, kissing your lips again, more roughly this time. You shift your position, straddling him, your legs on the side of his thighs

"It's not-that simple to- touch you with these stupid- mhpf yoga pants."

he says, kissing your lips

"You said that you loved them."

you say

"Yeah, and now I hate them; I can't touch you properly, which frustrates me."

He says, pulling you closer to him. You can feel his bulge against your clit

"It's okay, we don't need to take our pants off."

you say, smiling at him

"What- why? c'mon, I wanna see that pretty pussy of yours."

he says, frustrated, leaving his head against the headrest of the couch

"Mh, not now."

you say, starting to grind on his hard bulge

"Oh shit, what- do it again, please,"

he says, placing his hands on your hips, guiding you back and forth against him. You kiss gently his neck, trying not to bite him or suck his soft skin because his neck is already a mess.

"You- god"

he tries to say, one of his hands traveling around your body, grabbing one of your breasts under the hoodie

"Uh? you're not wearing a bra?"

he says

"Nope, free the nipples, Christopher."

You laugh while looking at him, poor guy, he looks desperate

"Fuck, full access all this time? Why didn’t you tell me? God, y/n, you're going to drive me crazy."

he says, kissing your lips. You laugh in his lips and keep grinding on his hard cock

"Please take your hoodie off, I want- at least I want to see your boobs."

"Uhm, so needy, aren't you?"

you ask, and he simply nods

you take off your hoodie, shivering, not because you're cold, no it's way too hot in the room, but because of the way that he looks at you; it looks like he wants you to eat you alive, literally. He licks his lips, looking at your boobs at then looking at your face, his eyes jumping between your two twins and your eyes

"What?"

you ask, looking at him, moving a clump of hair from his face

"I want to suck them."

he simply says

"Then do it. Don't be shy, Christopher."

"Oh, don't call me like that."

he says, looking at you, his eyes darkened

"I know that you like it, just admitted."

you whisper to his ear

"Mphf, if you don't stop grinding on me, I'll cum in my pants."

he says

"And? there's no shame in cumming in your pants, I love to see you so desp-shit"

you say, trying to find any other word to say, but your brain is short-circuiting, his tongue is moving around one of your breasts, sucking on the nipple, while with one hand, he pays attention to the other one

"I wanna live here."

he says, sucking and biting your nipple

"Mhpf, in the studio?"

you tease him even if you know what he meant

"Mh -he breaks off the contact between his mouth and your breast- between your boobs, I want to live here, they're-fuck, they're like a warm marshmallows."

you laugh

"I'm dead serious, y/n"

he looks at you so seriously that you have to cover your mouth not to laugh. You kiss his lips, making him smile

"You're going to be late, so let me do something for you, yeah?"

you say, shifting position and getting on your knees in front of him

"Oh fuck"

he says, pulling his pants down, revealing his hard dick

"You're going to drive me crazy, you know that?"

he says, caressing your face

"That's the point, Christopher."

you say, kissing one of his naked thighs

"Please, jagiya, please."

he says in a desperate tone. That nickname again, heavy like a rock on your chest, just friends with benefits, correct?

So you do what a good friend would do, you take his boner with your hands, stroking him up and down a couple of times, licking the tip, focusing on that particular sensitive part, making him whimper.

You take all of him in your mouth, breathing through your nose; you look up at him, his head on the headrest, his eyes closed, enjoying every moment, one of his hands in your hair, scratching your scalp gently.

You keep working with your mouth and tongue, adding once again your dominant hand, just because you can't take all of him in your mouth.

"Jagi...fuck."

"Uh, language, please."

you say, taking him out of your mouth without stopping working with your hand.

"How am I supposed not to say bad words when you're on your knees sucking me off?"

he asks, looking down at you

"You're dramatic."

you say, retaking him in your mouth, you know that he's about to cum because he's throbbing in your mouth

"Baby, i'm-i'm about to."

he can't even finish the sentence that a load of fluid goes into your mouth, you swallow it all the way.

You clean the corner of your mouth with your fingers and stay on your knees, looking up at him with a stupid smile on your face.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

He says, pulling his pants up

“I’m not looking at you in any particular way.”

“Yes, you are, come here.”

He says, patting the place next to him

“Thank you”

He says when you sit next to him

“You don’t have to thank me, Channie.”

“I have to, I told you that you have a relaxing effect on me. And I’m talking generally, not when we...do other stuff, you know, even when we do them, but..."

“I get what you’re saying, Channie.”

You giggle

“Aagh, come here.”

He says, placing a hand on your neck and pulling towards him

“No, wait, I’ve just…”

“I don’t care, y/n, just kiss me, please.”

You sigh, and you kiss his lips, it’s a quick kiss, almost as if you did it every day

“You’re going to be late.”

You say, touching his forehead with yours

“I know, but I have to do it, it’s a safe space for me, and stays.”

“I know”

You say, pecking his lips once again

“I’m in my studio, I wait for you there, okay?”

You say, putting your hoodie on

“Mh, okay, thank you y/n, really.”

He says, kissing your cheek

“That’s what a good friend would do.”

You smile at him

“Yeah, good friend.”

He echos you

“Bye, bed bug.”

He says when you unlock the door

“Bye, Channie -you giggle at the nickname- don’t forget to put your hoodie on.”

“I won’t, thank you.”

He says, smiling, dimples on full display

Good friends, right?

A friend that has marked you all over your body

A friend you would go to live with just to have breakfast ready every morning

A friend that makes you feel butterflies,

A friend that fucks you till your brain short-circuit

A friend who makes you fall asleep while singing and cuddling

Maybe he’s more than “A friend”

A/N: me after writing this 🏃🏻‍♀️💨

Tag list: @paboswriting (because of the mention of biker Chan, we have an obsession about him)

[bellaxgiornata]

The Devil at Your Window |4: One of the Good Ones|

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader Word count: 4.9k

Warnings/Tags: 18+; fluff, flirting, sexual tension, light angst, pining, eventual smut, identity reveal, and lots of black suit Matty

Series Installment List & Summary

a/n: Just a smidge of angst in this one! And I've already got a rough draft written for the next part, too! This story has been stuck in my head... Feedback is always appreciated!

Tag list: @danzer8705 @darkened-writer @keepingitlokiii @kezibear @dorothleah @sarahskywalker-amidala @1988-fiend @haruari @sleepysleepymom @marveious @sunflower-tia @fizanotfeeza

Your arm burned from the effort with which you were currently scrubbing your kitchen counter, working hard trying to remove a stubborn stain with the sponge in your hand. On the counter just behind you, your phone was playing music as you stress-cleaned. Truthfully you were too caught up in your thoughts as you'd been frantically jumping from one task to the next to have been paying much attention to what song was currently playing, though.

You'd already vigorously deep cleaned your bathroom, scrubbing your shower hard enough to make your fingers ache. Once you'd finished in there, you'd ended up in your bedroom, finally folding the laundry basket of clothes that had been sitting in the corner of your room all week. After that, you'd changed your bedsheets before bringing the dirty ones down to the laundry facility in your building to be washed. Upon returning to your apartment, you'd begun meticulously organizing your kitchen pantry before cleaning out the kitchen sink of dirty dishes. And then you'd landed on scrubbing your counters with every intention of cleaning off your stove top next.

You'd been cleaning like crazy after you'd come home from work tonight and finished dinner because you'd had a shitty day–though really it had been a shitty week. Everything had gone absolutely wrong at the office and you'd somehow managed to make a massive mistake on a big project the other day. Thankfully today you'd corrected the error, but your anxiety over the issue hadn't remotely disappeared. And of course, Eric, the most obnoxious and irritating co-worker at your workplace, had been at the top of his game of being an absolute asshole to you about the issue all week, too. You'd admittedly had far too many daydreams of throwing your coffee on him just to shut him up these past few days.

But as if that hadn't been enough, you'd found yourself becoming increasingly upset over the realization of your growing feelings for the Devil, who you hadn't actually seen since he'd appeared injured at your place just over a week ago. You were torn between believing his absence was either because he'd been recovering from his injury–which would also explain his absence in the news lately–or that he had zero interest in continuing whatever friendship you thought you'd both been developing. And because you'd gotten your period earlier today, you'd been hormonal all week. Which meant your brain had been telling you it was because of the latter reason.

But you didn't want to think about that. It was ridiculous to have a stupid crush on him. You didn't even know the man's name or what he looked like beneath the mask. You had no clue what he did for a living, if anything at all. And you'd only seen him three times now, it's not like you'd known him for months. It was quite likely he didn't feel the same despite the flirting he'd been doing. 

So that was what your brain continued to tell you this week whenever you got upset about his lack of appearances on your fire escape. That those visits hadn’t meant anything to him. You were just another person in the city he protected. His first visit had been accidental after all. And the second time was just to return the scarf he'd borrowed. The last time he had appeared had been because you'd been a convenient safe place for him to briefly stop and recover at when he'd been hurt, nothing more. 

Though trying to repeatedly rationalize that didn't make the ache in your chest disappear. It didn't stop you coming home every night from work hoping to have another surprise visit from the mysterious vigilante before you went to bed. And it certainly didn't stop you from shedding a few pathetic tears when he continued to remain absent each night. 

You'd begun to miss him. It was impossible to deny that now. And you'd worried about how he was doing with his injury, wondering if he really was alright. Which only had you wondering more about what he was capable of if he could meditate like that because–

“It's a bit early for spring cleaning, isn't it?”

Your hand abruptly paused mid-aggressive scrub of the stain that had long since been cleaned at the sound of the familiar and unexpected voice cutting through your thoughts. Eyes growing wide, you spun on your bare feet to find the Devil standing on the other side of your kitchen counter with a grin on his lips beneath that black mask.

“It's only February,” he teased. “Spring is still another few weeks away. Maybe show your counter a little mercy before you wear a hole in it.”

Hand gripping the soapy sponge tighter, you felt your heart nearly fly up into your throat in excitement. Because he'd come back . 

“You're here,” you breathed out.

“Yeah,” he replied. He gestured a gloved hand back towards the window behind himself. “You left that unlocked, so I may have just invited myself inside since you didn't seem to respond to my knocking. I hope you don't mind.”

You shook your head quickly, still surprised to see he'd actually returned. It felt like someone had loosed a multitude of butterflies in your stomach at the sight of him standing there so casually in your apartment once again. It was something you'd missed all week.

“No, that's alright,” you told him, shaking your head. “I don't mind.”

“You should really keep it locked though,” he stated. “Literally anyone could just climb in here. That's not exactly safe.”

Still trying to shake off the surprise of his visit as you took a step forward, turning off your music, a nervous laugh slipped out of you. “I think you're the only one crazy enough to climb all the way up that rickety fire escape,” you replied.

You turned, heading over towards your kitchen sink in the hopes of busying yourself with washing your hands so he wouldn't see the embarrassing grin steadily growing on your face. 

“I think you might be surprised with what the criminals will do in this city,” he countered.

“Well that's…unsettling,” you muttered, turning off the faucet and drying your hands on the nearby kitchen towel. “With the way my week has been going though I suppose it would be my luck that someone probably would climb through my window. Someone other than you, I mean.”

You set the towel back on the hook near your sink, turning around only to find the Devil had stepped around the counter and into your kitchen. He was standing a few feet away, his head tilted curiously to the side. How the hell did he always manage to move so quietly?

“You're having a bad week?” he asked. “Is that why everything smells like lemon cleaner in here and why you were scrubbing your counter so hard you couldn’t hear me knocking on the window?”

Clasping your hands together in front of yourself, you fidgeted awkwardly with your fingers. Now that your hands weren't busy with an actual task you were feeling your anxious thoughts beginning to spiral again. Especially because it was only Thursday night and you still had to go into work tomorrow and deal with Eric and everyone else when all you desperately wanted to do was crawl into bed for the duration of the weekend and pretend this week never happened. 

“What's wrong, angel?” the Devil asked softly.

You glanced up at the sound of the name he’d called you just before he left your apartment last time, watching as he took another step towards you. You sniffled lightly, trying to ignore the confusing and conflicting feelings arising inside of you at the nickname. The smile disappeared from his lips, his mouth instead pulling a bit downwards at the corners. Swallowing hard, you waved a dismissive hand at him.

“Nothing, things are good,” you lied. “I'm fine.”

The frown visibly deepened on his face before he took another step closer. “Someone who's fine doesn't generally deep clean their place on a random Thursday evening,” he pointed out. “And it seems like you've been on the verge of tears for a bit now. What's going on?”

You swallowed hard, wondering how he could’ve possibly known that when he’d only just entered your apartment. Yet another one of his mysterious little powers, you figured.

“Nothing,” you answered. “Really, I’m good. I just got into a random cleaning frenzy. It happens.”

The Devil’s head canted further to the side, his lips thinning along his face. He shook his head slowly, taking another cautious step towards you.

“You’re not fine,” he replied. “And for the record, I know when someone is lying, angel.”

You sighed, wrapping your arms around your chest and trying to ignore the way your stomach twisted nervously at that name again. Surely it was meant to be more of a joke than a term of endearment considering you always called him Devil.

“Another useful skill of yours?” you asked curiously. “Like your ability to heal?”

Briefly a smirk slid over his mouth, one you caught just before it disappeared. Your eyes narrowed suspiciously back at him.

“Something like that,” he answered. “So believe me when I say that I’m not buying the line that you’re okay. What happened?”

Eyes darting down, your nails began to pick at your sweatshirt nervously. The memory of your boss chewing you out at work the other day resurfaced in your mind, quickly followed by one of Eric’s heartless comments to you afterwards. The continual disappointment of an empty fire escape night after night before you went to bed also reared its head, tears starting to sting at your eyes at the memory of those lonely nights. Blinking rapidly, you tried to stop the tears from coming.

You did not want to cry in front of the Devil.

“Nothing,” you muttered, shrugging your shoulders. “It’s all stupid in comparison to what you’re usually dealing with anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

“Hey,” he murmured, closing the remaining distance between you and gently grabbing your shoulders, lowering his masked face into your line of sight. “It’s not a competition.”

His light, reassuring touch only had the tears welling up faster in your eyes. It had been so long since someone had touched you like that. With comfort and care. A touch that made you feel both safe and seen. And here he was doing it with such ease, like you deserved that sort of attention–and from him no less. 

It suddenly became all too much. A single tear slipped out of the corner of your eye as you gazed up at his face half-obscured by that mask, unable to blink it back before it made its way down your cheek. The Devil’s hands carefully began pulling you in towards himself barely a second later. Surprised at his response, your arms remained wrapped around yourself as his arms slowly encircled your shoulders.

He was hugging you. Comforting you.

Somehow that managed to open the floodgates to your emotions, the tears beginning to spill down your cheeks hot and wet in a continuous stream that you couldn't seem to control. Your hands gripped your sweatshirt tighter, unsure if you should hug him in return or not. Instead, you pressed your face into the thin fabric of his black shirt, attempting to hide how fast the tears were flowing from his sight.

You weren’t exactly sure why you were even crying at this point, either. Was it because of the shitty week you’d had? Because of the gentle touch and compassion coming from the masked vigilante, a touch that you hadn’t felt since you'd last been in a relationship? Was it because of the fact that him holding you like this only stirred up those confusing feelings further inside of you, making you wonder what this weird relationship with the Devil actually was? Or was it just because you were hormonal and on your period?

“I'm sorry,” you choked out.

“Don't apologize,” he replied instantly.

The smokey voice he always used had your fingers twisting tighter around your sweatshirt, your heart beating a little harder at the sound of it so soft beside your ear. You shifted, burying your face further against his chest. Though guilt quickly filled you as you cried. Because he shouldn't be comforting you, not for something so foolish. Not when there were people out there who actually needed him and all you'd had was a bad week, some out of control hormones, and a stupid crush.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. “Is there something I can do to help?”

You shook your head, begging the tears to stop falling. This was embarrassing. You didn't want him to see you like this, let alone be comforting you.

“No,” you whispered. 

You have better things to be doing with your time , you thought bitterly. I don't deserve the comfort.

Clenching your jaw, you took an abrupt step back from him. You raised an arm up, using the sleeve of your sweatshirt to aggressively wipe the dampness from your cheeks. Before you, the Devil stood with his arms still hovering in the air as if he was still holding you, seemingly confused about you withdrawing from his embrace so suddenly. There was a large wet spot from your tears soaking the front of his black shirt already.

“I'm sorry, that was embarrassing,” you muttered, still wiping at your eyes as the tears gradually slowed. “I know you don't want to be dealing with an emotional mess tonight. That's not what the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen does.”

“Who says it's not what I do?” he countered, his arms lowering back to his sides. “I'm here to help people who need it–and for the record,” he added, “crying does not make you an emotional mess. Trust me on that.”

“Well,” you began, sniffling a little, “my problems aren’t the type you can punch. And you can't exactly punch away my feelings. Or my hormones. So I think this is a little out of your usual wheelhouse.”

“Maybe so,” he agreed, “but you've helped me plenty of times now. Is it wrong for me to want to return the favor?”

So that's why he was comforting you. A sort of quid pro quo. Tit for tat. An exchange of favors, not because he'd genuinely cared about what had happened to you this week and would have offered to help anyway, but because he felt like he owed you something in return. That's what he was saying, wasn’t it? 

“I don't help you because I want anything in return,” you muttered, turning around and wiping the sleeve of your sweatshirt across your eyes once again. Afterwards, you reached up into a nearby cabinet and grabbed a clean glass from out of it. “I help you because I worry about you out there. And because I think you're one of the good ones.”

You closed the cabinet door before focusing on the faucet in front of you, filling the glass with cool water. Sniffling softly, you felt the tears beginning to slow to a stop as you tried to collect yourself. You’d cry about your misplaced feelings later when he wasn’t here. Right now you just wanted to enjoy his company and not scare him off with your tears. And maybe make sure he was doing alright himself tonight.

Once the glass was full, you turned off the faucet and inhaled a trembling breath, attempting to steel your resolve. You were not going to cry anymore tonight. 

“For what it's worth,” the Devil said from behind you, “I think you're one of the good ones.”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes and shaking your head at his comment, your back still facing him. Now that sounded like a line.

“I’m serious,” he continued. “How many people would help a vigilante instead of turning him over to the police? And how many would just ignore him entirely? And here you are inviting me into your home multiple times now without question. Always offering whatever form of assistance you can when you certainly don't need to.”

Eyes dropping down to the full glass in your hands, you felt your heart flutter in your chest at his kind words. Clearing your throat, you tried to swallow the lump that had begun to form. “I think you vastly underestimate what you mean to the people in this city, Devil,” you whispered.

Gradually you turned back around, the glass of water clutched between both of your hands. His lips were once again pulled in a straight line across his face, his head faintly tilted to the side. 

“You're a symbol of hope to many in Hell’s Kitchen,” you said softly, extending the glass out towards him. “A sign that there’s still good in the world. That there are still people who care about helping those in need.”

You could see the muscles working in his cheeks, the corner of his lips twitching faintly. You wondered what expression he was making beneath the mask right now. Was he not aware of what he meant to this city?

“Here,” you said, holding the glass out further towards him. “Drink it. I’m sure you’re dehydrated.”

The Devil’s right hand flexed open and shut at his side for a moment, your eyes drawn to the movement. After a minute's hesitation you saw it raise, reaching out to carefully accept the glass of water from your own hand. He murmured a soft ‘thanks’ as he drew it up towards his lips. In silence you watched the bob of his throat as he drank almost half the glass immediately, a satisfied smile eventually landing on your face. 

“You hungry?” you asked, stepping around him and heading over to your fridge. “I have spaghetti leftover from dinner tonight. Unfortunately no garlic bread,” you grumbled, opening the door of your fridge. “Because my week was apparently so bad that I even forgot to grab garlic bread at the store.”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine,” he assured you.

Half bent in front of your fridge, you glanced over your shoulder, shooting him a flat look. “Are you planning to go home and eat something before you go to sleep tonight?” you asked him. “From the fridge you have apparently only stocked with beer, eggs, and sometimes orange juice?”

He hung his head in defeat, his gaze behind the mask appearing to drop to the floor. It looked like he was fighting back a grin on his face.

“Well…no,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Right,” you said, focus returning to the contents of your fridge. “So do you eat spaghetti? Because I have plenty.”

“If you’re that determined to feed me, yes,” he answered. “I do.”

Reaching into your fridge, you pulled out the container of leftovers that you’d put away earlier this evening before you’d begun meticulously stress cleaning. You closed the door, bringing the container over to your counter and setting it down before searching for a clean bowl and a fork.

“So how’s your rib doing?” you asked as you worked. “Did your doctor friend tell you it was broken? Have you somehow meditated it back to normal already with that useful ‘skill’ of yours?”

The Devil chuckled good-naturedly behind you as you began scooping some pasta into a bowl for him. Internally you thought it strange that he found that somehow funny, though that warmth of pleasure filled you at once again still being able to make him laugh.

“She's a nurse, not a doctor, and that's hard to say,” he answered. “I’d need an x-ray to know if I had actually broken it, and I can’t exactly go to a hospital because they’d surely call the authorities on me. But either way, it’s feeling better than that night I was last here. Not completely healed with my ‘skill,’ but the pain is…tolerable.”

You stopped mid-scoop of some pasta, your head turning over your shoulder towards him. Quirking a brow at him, you shot him a quizzical look. 

“The pain is ‘tolerable’?” you asked him. “So you mean to tell me you’re still going around tonight scaling buildings and jumping off fire escapes with an injury that’s not even fully healed?”

The Devil shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly, shooting you a charming smile. “Yeah,” he answered. “Something is almost always injured or hurting. But it's not like crime ever takes a night off. So usually neither do I.”

Sighing, you focused back on scooping pasta into the bowl for him. “I'm starting to worry about your sanity,” you half-joked. “You know, I've always wondered why you do what you do. I don't suppose you'd answer that truthfully, would you?”

Picking up the bowl, you stepped over towards your microwave and set it inside. Setting the timer to heat it up, you turned around and leant your back against the counter, crossing your arms over your chest as you eyed him expectantly. 

The Devil shook his head, a faint smile on his mouth. “No, not right now,” he answered. “But maybe someday I could answer that for you.”

Hugging your arms tighter around yourself, you tried to hide the thrill that shot through you at his answer. The prospect of him continuing to visit you was clearly layered in his response and you couldn't even begin to explain how that made you suddenly feel.

“Always so mysterious,” you muttered nervously, glancing down at your feet.

“Don't suppose you'd ever give me your name, would you?” he countered.

You grinned, glancing up at him from beneath your lashes as the microwave hummed behind you. “I'll tell you mine when you tell me yours, Devil,” you replied. 

“So mysterious ,” he teased back, grinning. 

You tried to bite back the smile growing on your face, laughing softly. The grin only grew wider on his face and your cheeks began to heat at the sight. You could feel your heart beating a little faster as you watched him from across the kitchen, taking in the handsome shape of his mouth and feeling the nervous churning of your stomach beginning to increase at the comfortable silence that fell over you both.

Thankfully your microwave beeped a moment later, pulling you from the moment that surely would have only resulted in you further ogling him, wondering what he looked like beneath the mask. Turning around, you opened the microwave and removed the bowl of spaghetti. You set it back onto the counter, mixing it around with a fork to make sure the entire bowl had been thoroughly heated. Satisfied that it was warm, you picked up the bowl and carried it over to the Devil. 

“You can have a seat at the table if you want,” you offered, holding the bowl out to him.

You gestured your other hand to the small circular table just outside of your kitchen. The Devil accepted the bowl of pasta from you, looking somewhat over his shoulder where you'd gestured. 

“Thank you,” he replied. 

You watched as he twirled a handful of noodles onto his fork immediately, bringing it up to his mouth before he'd even began to make his way towards your table. It was obvious he was hungry with the way he'd shoveled the bite into his mouth–just like when he'd devoured that burrito–and that satisfied smile returned to your face. Even if you'd messed up a lot of things this week, at least you'd managed to do something helpful for him. And that felt good.

You'd been about to turn around and put away the container of leftovers still sitting out on your counter when you saw him suddenly freeze, his entire body tensing. Your own body froze as you watched him chew the bite of food so slowly, your stomach sinking to the floor.

“What?” you asked cautiously, feeling self-conscious and on the verge of tears again. Had you actually somehow messed this up, too? “Is it…not good? I mean I know I'm not the best cook or anything, but I thought I was decent at making spaghetti sauce. It's not that complicated.”

The Devil swallowed the bite of spaghetti, his body still stiff as he stood there. His hand had tightened around the fork in the bowl as he remained silent, which only had your nerves growing. The feeling of being a failure once again this week was suddenly bearing down heavily on you. Was there nothing you could do right this week?

“Look, if it doesn't taste any good you don't need to eat it,” you told him, taking a step closer and reaching for the bowl. “Apparently I just can't manage anything this week. Just one of those weeks I gu–”

“This tastes exactly like the spaghetti my dad used to make,” the Devil whispered in disbelief.

Your hand hovered in the air reaching out for the bowl, your mouth hanging open at what he'd told you. That certainly hadn't been the reaction you'd expected. 

“Wh–what?” you stammered out.

The Devil pointed at the bowl of pasta with the fork in his hand, something like amazement creeping into his voice as he focused on you. When he spoke again, you'd noticed that raspy, deep voice he always used had disappeared.

“The sauce,” he told you, his words gradually picking up speed as he spoke. “It tastes exactly like the spaghetti sauce my dad used to make when I was a kid. I–I haven't tasted anything quite so similar since he passed when I was young. The likeness is incredible.”

You could feel the heavy pounding of your heart in your chest at yet another little piece of the real man beneath the mask being revealed to you. Mouth opening and closing a few times, you quickly realized you didn't know how to respond. Was he going to run away on you now that he'd let another little personal detail slip? Especially considering it looked like he was also realizing what he'd just told you and was beginning to regret it.

“I'm–I'm sorry to hear about your father,” you managed out.

The Devil continued to stare at you over the bowl of spaghetti in his hands, his lips pressing together as his mouth began to twitch. It was as if he didn't quite know what to say himself, but the longer he remained quiet, his jaw grinding back and forth, the more fearful you became that he was going to bolt back out of your window for accidentally revealing more personal information about himself to you. 

Slowly you held up your hands in front of yourself like one might do to a scared animal, hoping not to scare him further. The Devil didn't move, but his jaw visibly tensed at the gesture. 

“Look, I'm not about to tell anyone that you come here sometimes,” you told him. “And I don't go digging around on the internet trying to find out who you really are with the vague information I have, mostly because I don't have that level of motivation, if I'm being honest.” You saw the corner of his lips twitch upwards at your comment and you cautiously lowered your hands back to your sides. “I just want to help. That's all,” you continued. “And personally I worry that if I scare you off, you'll end up out there starving and with kidney damage from constantly not drinking enough water while you're out parkouring around the city.”

“You're worried about my kidneys now?” he asked, amusement in his tone. 

You shrugged lamely, shooting him a small smile. “If I say yes will you sit down and eat that spaghetti and drink some more water?” you questioned back. “Instead of jumping out of my window like a terrified cat?”

Something like an amused snort came from him as he turned, making his way towards your little kitchen table. You relaxed when you realized he wasn't going to disappear on you.

“For the record,” the Devil told you, voice muffled around a large bite of spaghetti that he'd shoveled into his mouth, “I am not a stray cat.”

“Of course not,” you agreed, picking up the glass of water he'd already finished and set onto the counter. You brought it over to your sink and began to refill it for him. “Because a cat would know better than to keep running around and making a broken rib worse. And I'm not sure how partial they are to spaghetti,” you joked. 

At the bright sound of his laughter over the sound of the running faucet, you found yourself smiling. You'd certainly missed having him here, even if you knew you were going to miss him the moment he finished that bowl of spaghetti and jumped back over your fire escape. All you could really do was enjoy the next few minutes you had with him and hope that he returned another time. 

Though deep down you sort of found yourself hoping he was more like a stray cat than he let on, because at the very least, maybe the prospect of food and water would tempt him to appear again at your window sooner rather than later. 

And that thought was steadily giving you an idea.

[poppadom0912]

Excuses

Warnings: Mentions of fainting, diabetes, canon-typical injuries

Summary: You suffer the consequences just because your teacher thought you were making excuses.

A/N: First fic of 2024!!! I had plans that I was going to post weekly in the new year just like last year but things went downhill. This january and february has had its very good but also really bad moments and even writing this was a struggle. I've found myself in a weird place of wanting to write but struggling and all of a sudden not being able to balance my schoolwork and writing. So I took a lil step back to solely focus on my work but looking at everything now, my fic updates will be much less frequent but hopefully just as or if not, more fun to read.

I feel bad for not saying or posting anything since the new year but I'm here now and hopefully will be more alive. I've got lots planned for you beautiful people, several series and way too many fics in my drafts that I cannot wait for you all to read. This wasn't as long or as juicy as I intended but my brain completely failed me so I hope this is good enough. I initially wanted to post this at the beginning of March but I finished the final editing today so here you go!!

Final note before we start, I have general knowledge about diabetes but that's all from my grandma. I have no idea if it's the same for teenagers so I'm sorry for any mistakes. Happy reading!!

Your biology teacher had been on maternity for three weeks now and you were seriously contemplating life.

Because of the crappy rules surrounding maternity leave, when your teacher refused to return before her three months ended, your school had a supply teacher fill in for her till she came back.

Since day one, you knew you hated her.

It was mid lesson and you knew as soon as you started feeling sluggish that your sugar levels were dropping. Your thoughts were only confirmed when your Dexcom receiver let you know of your decreasing glucose.

This wasn't a usual occurrence. Will and Jay always made sure you had eaten enough and you had the means to maintain the needed glucose levels so that nothing happened.

Alas, you were up late revising and you were stressing about keeping up your good grades. Jay was rushing you out the door because he needed to go to a scene he'd just been called to and Will was out walking Kol and hadn't seen you leave.

In conclusion, it'd been a hot minute since you last ate something.

The school were well aware of your diabetes. It was one of the very important things your brothers stressed them about when you first started.

Most students knew about it actually, having seen your Dexcom and not understanding since a diabetic child apparently wasn't common according to them.

So, when you randomly pulled out a snack from your bag mid class, no one questioned it and instead would make sure you were okay. There'd never been a problem before in school and everyone wanted it to stay that way.

However, this new teacher, Mrs Byrne was apparently completely unaware of your medical condition.

"Y/N. You know the rules about eating in class." She said strictly, pulling away all the attention from the board onto you.

She stopped you in the middle of opening the packet of fruit gummies. You frowned, looking at her confused along with your classmates.

"I have diabetes." You said bluntly, continuing to open the packet. "I don't eat this and I'll pass out."

Mrs Byrne only rolled her eyes, smiling at you condescendingly. "I've heard that excuse hundreds of times, give those to me."

You scoffed at the audacity, refusing to hand over what was yours.

It was when she started walking towards your desk with a pep in her step that the entire class got involved. Their raised voices overlapped, some angrier than others over what was happening.

However, you too were Stubborn alike to your brothers so you kept as firm of a grip of the packet. You turned a blind eye to the anger fuelled cover teacher. You continued to smile as she spewed threats of all sorts.

Due to your frustration and annoyance over the teacher who wanted to take your gummies away, you didn't notice how everything started change; how hard it was to move your eyes and lips, your limbs getting heavier and you thoughts slowly getting muddled up.

Lost in a daze, you were no longer able to fight back when she pulled harder, successfully snatching the small packet out of your hands. It was now that the class got furious, your friends were already up and at your side but now they were verbally attacking the teacher.

Fed up with her petty behaviour, you were going to get up and go to the nurses office who would take care of you but getting out your seat was harder said than done.

With one of your friends help, you weren't too sure who was helping you from your hazy sight that cleared when you blinked too many times.

You were wobbly on your feet, taking slow and hesitant steps towards the front of the classroom but before you could leave, you felt your legs give out and everything went black.

*****

It turned out that supposed crime scene that he was imminently needed at was nothing but a prank by a bunch of college boys resulting in a grumpy Hank putting them in cuffs and having them fined for a very reasonable reason.

That's how the rest of the unit found themselves finishing up paperwork, catching up about life in general as they debated what they were getting for lunch.

Jay was smugly sitting back, eyes flickering between Kevin and Adam who were bickering over something trivial when his phone rung, catching everyone's attention.

They were all so bored and normally when one of their phones went off during work hours, it meant something came up and they were needed.

In interest, everyone turned their heads towards Jay and waited for him to tell them they got a crime scene.

Picking up his phone, Jay's brows furrowed at the number, confused as to why your school was calling him in the middle of the day. They'd only call him if two things happened: You'd gotten in trouble or you got hurt.

"Hello. Is this Y/N Halsteads brother Jay?" A voice he couldn't recognised asked, most likely some lady from the main office.

"Yeah, that's me." Jay confirmed, sitting up in preparation for whatever he was going to be told.

"So sorry to interrupt you sir but Y/N collapsed in class." The lady said with guilt laced in her words. "Your other brother didn't pick up the phone. We called to let you know we had to call the paramedics and they've taken her to Chicago Med."

"Uh yeah." Jay said, collecting his jacket and keys. "Yes, thank you."

Not waiting for a reply, Jay hung up and quickly knocked on Hank's office door frame.

"Sarge, I gotta get Y/N-"

"Go get her. We're done here."

*****

Wanting to pull his hair out, Will rubbed his eyes in frustration, glaring at his patients scans that only confused him further. He was tired and was coming to half way through his twenty four hour shift.

"Dr Halstead- Uh, Dr Rhodes in T4." Maggie stumbled, looking down at her brick and making sure she read it correctly.

"What's wrong?" Will asked, confused as to why Maggie changed her mind which she usually never did.

"It's Y/N."

Now fully awake, Will followed Connor towards the ambulance bay where you were being rolled in. You were groggily sitting up on the stretcher, you hair a mess and a few scratches around your face and hands from when you fell.

"Sylvie, what happened?" Will asked the blonde paramedic while looking you over. He desperately wanted to check you over himself but let Connor do his thing. He really did not need Ms Goodwin on his case today.

"Teachers didn't tell us much but her classmates said she collapsed after not being able to eat." Sylvie relayed the minimal information she knew, shrugging her shoulders when the two doctors looked at her weirdly. "No one would tell us anything more."

"Y/N, it's Connor. Can you hear me kid?" Connor said while pulling out his penlight. He was like another brother to you, his concern just as high. "Can you tell me what happened?"

You groaned, mumbling nonsense with your eyes screwed closed. Your words were mostly unintelligible but Will understood them mere seconds later.

Fixing the problem you complained about, Will turned down the lights and let Connor continue fussing over you.

It didn't take long to find out the cause of your collapse, Will sighing at the news when he read the numbers from your tests.

"I thought she was always on top of her sugar levels." Connor said, closing the room door so you could sleep in peace.

And what he said was completely true but they weren't aware of why you couldn't today specifically of all days.

"She is." Will said, rubbing a hand down his face in frustration. "Maybe her dexcom malfunctioned or something."

Connor hummed, agreeing with his friend.

"Hmm, maybe."

*****

Arriving at Med, Will gave Jay a detailed rundown of everything he new about your medical state but also the events pre your hospital arrival.

Getting a good look at you, holding your hand in his and kissing you on your forehead, Jay was more than happy to leave you in your oldest brothers safe hands while he got to the bottom of this entire ordeal.

He noticed Sylvie was still at Med, Foster mentioning they were running low on a few supplies so they needed some stocking up. Jay took this opportunity to interview the two paramedics and try to get further understanding on this situation that wasn't making much sense to him.

Arriving at your school, Jay had some thoughts in mind but they weren't very concrete and his confidence wasn't as strong as he'd like it to be.

Walking into the school, Jay immediately noticed an entire class sitting and standing around in the corridor waiting in front of the principals office.

One of the girls who had been sitting in a chair had caught sight of Jay, her eyes widening before she smiled, gently nudging the girl next to her and pointing in his direction. The girls reaction was the exact same.

This created a sort of domino effect as the boy next to her noticed Jay and everyone was telling the other of his sudden arrival. The once silent corridor was now beginning to fill with murmurs and whispers, all their eyes glued onto his figure that moved down the corridor, their shocked faces quickly changing into smiles and smirks.

It seems that Jay had a reputation of sorts.

"Why are you making so much noise? What did I just say about talking-"

The principal cut himself off from his scolding when he suddenly noticed Jay's presence, his face blanching as all the pieces clicked into place.

"Detective Halstead! What a surprise, we weren't expecting to see you so soon-"

This time Jay cut him off, not too bothered about his lack manners. "My brothers with Y/N at the hospital so I thought there was no other perfect time."

The principal remained silent.

"Now, why don't you explain to me why my sister fainted under your watch?"

The students behind Jay couldn't help but snicker knowingly.

[queenie-avenue]

One lump or two lump of sugar?

💌 ⤻ THE BARISTA, AKIMITSU MINORU

—> you're the cream in his coffee.

⤻ reader is gender neutral, poisoning drinks, mentions of death, mentions of fantasising of murder, posessive behaviour, obsessive behaviour, set in the united states, reader is implied to be not japanese but could just be read as cultural differences

notes: I'm on holiday, but I've had this in my drafts for a while so feast! I will be back next week with more content!

💌 ⤻ archives.

You had been coming to neko no ashi for a few months by now. It was a small café on the side of the street where you lived that had grown popular recently thanks to just the vibe of the café, but as well as the cute man manning the counter and making the coffee. You had been coming there since day one, so you were honestly happy for the owner; he deserved the recognition.

The adorable little cat-shaped bell rang as you entered the quaint little café with a smile. "Hi Minoru." You smiled and waved at him. Both of you were on a first name basis, which may have not seemed like a lot, but it was crazy to think about considering Minoru's Japanese origins. Rarely did couples even refer to each other with their first names at times, but that could just be Minoru assimilating to the American culture.

"I'll take a latté. Something simple today." You smiled at him as you checked your phone, waiting for your date to arrive.

Minoru nodded and cashed in your drink, took your money, and went towards the coffee-making machine, your steps subtly following the barista; liking to always see how your coffee is made, from tampering the ground up beans to the way the milk is steeped.

Just as you were in the midst of admiring Minoru's craftsmanship, he spoke up. "You look beautiful today." He smiled as he steeped the milk.

You, of course, blushed. Neko no ashi had gone viral just because of his good looks. They weren't conventional, but they drew people in because of how soft and beautiful he looked. "Thanks, I got a date today."

He twitched, but you didn't notice.

"Really?"

"Yeah, my friends are egging me on to find someone, you know?" You spoke to the barista sheepishly, a bit embarrassed by the fact all your friends were already dating, and you had barely managed to even take a dip in the dating pool. "He seems like a cute guy, though."

"What does he look like?" Minoru responded eerily fast.

"Tall, I guess? With brown hair and blue eyes. He has glasses." You shrugged, you weren't the best at describing people.

"Fun, I hope you have a good first date." He replied, sliding the coffee over to you. As usual, the signature cat was imprinted using the milk. There was even a cute little heart shape beside the cat.

"Looks like the cat is wishing me a happy first date, too." You smiled warmly before walking away towards an empty seat, waiting for your date to show up.

"...yeah." He replied after you left.

✧ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ✧

Your date went okay. It wasn't phenomenal, but he seemed nice so far. Just then, he froze up in place.

"Hey, are you okay?" You asked the guy seated in front of you as he lunged over the seat. He quickly apologised and ran out of the cafe into the street, his face green as he ran towards the nearest place that had a toilet available for him to barf into.

"Oh dear," Minoru commented, wiping his hands as he strolled on by. "I hope he's okay." He commented as Minoru began to clear up his cup of coffee, eyeing you like a hawk as you looked so concerned for him, barely paying any attention to your loving barista.

"If anything, I can accompany you too." He offered as he threw out the evidence.

"Here's a coffee for you. Oh, don't worry, it's for free. Just for you, [y/n]."

[loner4-life]

Troubled Minds

A/N: Sorry for dissappearing off the face of the earth(again). This has been rotting in my drafts for 2 years, so I decided to finish it ♡

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Why… you asked yourself this question constantly. Why did he like you? He didn't like anyone. He always yelled at and ignored anyone who tried to show him kindness. What made you so different?

You remember the first time you met Katsuki, people warned you how he could be, but you were a kind person. You had walked into class and walked past him, instincts led you to look at him, and he was looking back.

You smiled at him, he nodded at you in response. He didn't scoff and yell or tell you to "piss off". The two of you only grew closer from that point.

You'd give him shit for the way he acted and he'd listen to you sometimes(almost never). One day, he asked you out. You said yes of course.

You couldn't believe it, someone like him… wanted you. He made you feel special… you weren't familiar with that feeling. You were happy the first two months, then the chatter started.

Katsuki was a pretty boy, everyone knew that. Once he started to date you, others began to think they had a chance. You could hear the whispers. The "Why them?" Or "what does he see in them" made you feel like shit about yourself than you already did.

Katsuki had been helping with your insecurity, you had been better. But it got to the point now that you didn't even wanna be near him. You owed him an explanation, you know you did, but you couldn't do it, you didn't know how

◇

You walked into class and past katsuki,he locked eyes with you, you looked away and snaked past him. All of class you could feel his eyes on you. You couldn't bear to look at him. You didn't know why. You felt ashamed for some reason, like you embarrassed him.

If felts like days had past before you were let out of that room. The bell finally chimed and you rushed out of the classroom.

You just needed air, you needed to think. The warm air hit you as you walked outside. It was calming, you made you way to the dorms.

◇

You hurried to your room and slammed the door, not out of anger… it was all just too much.

You had always been like this in relationship. It was overwhelming for you. It was weird to you that someone enjoyed your company and had feelings for you in that way.

Anytime you feel this way in a previous relationship you ended the fling with the poor boy. You just couldn't handle it. Maybe that made you a bad person, you didn't know.

What you did know is that you couldn't just end things with katsuki out of the blue. One because as stubborn as he was he wouldn't accept it without a good reason. Two, you loved him too much.

You needed to talk to him. You needed his comfort. You didn't know how to ask. That was the one bad thing about the two of you. Neither of you knew how to ask for help if you needed it.

However, the universe was on your side today, it seems. Because you heard a knock at your door. "Yeah!" You called. "Can I come in?" You heard a gruff voice ask.

"Sure" you responded, you heard the click of your door before it swung open, followed by an unimpressed bakugou walking inside. I looked over to him with a weak smile.

“Hey” you said quietly, a grunt in response coming from him. “Why did you come?” You asked as you spun in your desk chair.

He was silent in response as he shoved his hands in his pockets before stepping closer to you, looking down at you like he did everyone, making you feel even worse.

“What's your problem?” He asked after a deafening silence. “I-” you started but he cut you off “and don't spout bullshit” he said locking eyes with you.

Your mouth fell shut as you looked to the ground. Finally you spoke, “I don't know…lately I've felt like..I've been holding you back..or I embarrass you…” you mumbled, not daring to take your eyes away from the ground.

“Are you kidding me?” He asked with his signature “tch” beginning his sentence. Your veins went icy at his words.

“I'm sorry…it's stupid I know I just-” but you were cut off again. “Why would I give a shit what some extras think about you or us?”

He said as he took his hands out of his pockets as he crouched down to meet your eyes that you couldn't tear away from the ground, but you finally did, and you were met with his.

His usually angry red eyes were soft now as he looked at you, which seemed more intimidating than when he was angry.

“Don't overthink about some bullshit your brain creates in your head.” He said as he poked your forehead with his finger to integrate his point.

“Everything's fine…you don't drag me down..you matter to me so don't let anyone make you think otherwise.”

He sighed as he looked away for a moment before looking back at you. Your eyes widened slightly at his words. “You really mean that?”

You asked with a soft smile. “Wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it dumbass” he scoffed as he looked away, the faintest blush dusting his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

You nodded with a smile, “I'm sorry for avoiding you..” you said quietly as you leaned closer to place your hand on his knee. He grunted in response, “thought I fucked up or something or you were finally sick of my shit”

He mumbled as he looked away again. Your hand flew to his jawline as you turned his face to you. “Hey wh-” his protests were silenced by your lips on his.

He was stiff for a moment before relaxing into your touch, his thumb grazed your cheek as his hand cradled your neck. After what seemed like several blissful hours he finally pulled away.

The two of you looked at each other for a moment before you broke the silence. “I'll never be sick of your shit…even if you're the most stubborn person I've ever met.” You said as you stood, bringing him up with you.

“I'll come to you sooner from now on” you said as you looked up to him. “Good..now where are these extras that were talking shit?” He asked, “Katsuki, don't worry about it,” you said.

“Tell me or I figure it out myself” he said, crossing his arms, with an exasperated sigh as you looked at him. “Promise not to commit a felony?” you teased. “Definitely can't promise that.”

[edensbuttercups]

Thank you - Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x reader

A/N: This has been sitting in my drafts for a pretty long time, but finally it has been completed and I'm not too mad about it, which I deem a success. I've been trying to keep busy and write more, so if there's any requests, ideas, thoughts, anything really, I'm more than glad to read about them and discuss them or write about them ♡

(Also can you tell I suck at titles? Because I can)

Words: 1.8k

He sat on the edge of the sofa, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, sighing in disbelief at his realisation. He had lost them. His dad’s sunglasses. Gone. He looked everywhere, from the bedroom, to his jacket, his car, everywhere. He looked in each room, and the most he had found was some coins that had slipped into the kitchen drawer and some receipts that had been lying in one of his jackets for way too long.  

It felt stupid for one moment, clinging on to an object that meant so little to so many people, but that was one of the things that made him feel the most at home. Even in his rarer moments of fear, the way the world assumed a tinted colour while he wore them comforted him enough to push on, making him feel closer to everything that he had lost. His fingers shook as he took a steady breath, standing up once again and looking around the room. Trying to retrace each step of the previous day, he stood dumbfounded when he realised that he had no clue when he last even had them on. He felt his chest tighten at the realisation, and this somehow felt worse than what he had gone through on that goddamn mission. This felt worse, and he couldn’t breathe, and all he could do was close his eyes and go back to last evening, hoping, really hoping that he could somehow retrace his steps.

“Over here!” you waved your hand over your head in an almost theatrical way, catching his attention from just outside the Hard Deck. You had agreed on meeting here as soon as he was done, and both of you had found a way to finish just a little ahead of schedule, wanting to spend some quality time after a few days of barely seeing each other because of work. He beamed when he saw you in that dress, one of his favourites, and ran the rest of the way, opening his arms wide to catch you in a hug and spin you around. His lips peppered soft kisses along your cheeks before settling for your lips, pulling you closer, not fully intending on letting you go. “Babe, we should go.” You tried to interject, loving the tickling sensation his moustache offered but painfully aware of how close the time was to inching to your reservation. “I told them 8pm sharp. And it’s-“ “7:39, honey. I know what I’m doing.” He cracked a smile and winked at you, his sunglasses slipping lower as he did, gracing you with the sight of his hazel eyes. “You know I don’t like being late.” “It’s a 5 minute drive from here and the Bronco is ready for us.” “But what if-“ "Most people will be here tonight.” He pointed behind you, reading the small sign that Penny had put up. Fridays: Karaoke night. All of the aviators had been challenging each other for the past month, choosing the cheesiest songs they could and making Fridays their night, singing their hearts out and enjoying the time together. And yet Rooster would rather have you to himself than humiliate Hangman at Karaoke.

The restaurant was basically empty and you were basically on time (with a whopping three minutes to spare, because yes, you had arrived early, but you also ended up in each other’s arms for some time, whispering sweet nothings and sharing kisses before finally leaving the car), and the waiter so kindly showed you your table, the view of the sea and the soft crashing of the waves in the distance lulling you into a comfortable silence. You ordered and talked for most of the evening, catching up on what had happened in the past few days, laughing at how into his storytelling Bradley got, gesturing around as he spoke.  Once you recovered from your laughter you peaked down, seeing the small thing you had gotten earlier today for Bradley, smiling when you remembered about it.  “You know, I was forgetting actually but… I got you something.” He laughed, raising his hands and insisting that you didn’t have to get him anything. “It’s a date, no gifts needed.” “I know, but I saw this and it reminded me of you.”  You reached down for your bag and pulled the shirt up, smiling as he reached over to grab it, unfolding it to inspect it. It was simple, yet way more colourful than his favourite beige Hawaiian shirt. This one was dark blue and scattered with birds and flowers, some of the threads of gold, the material light and breezy, perfect for a summer evening. You watched as his eyes crinkled in adoration, absolutely adoring your choice. He peeled the shirt he was currently wearing and slipped the new one on. “It’s so elegant.” “You’re the only one that could call a Hawaiian shirt elegant, Roos.” “No, but come on, it’s fancy!” “It is fancy.” You laughed, seeing his excitement. “I love it.” “I’m happy you do.” you replied, your smile growing. “I love you.” he muttered, leaning over the table to kiss you, his hand cupping your cheek, feeling your smile at the gesture before reaching down to take his shirt off, substituting it with his new one, the colours making his skin glow. 

“Honey, I’m home!” You joked from the door, walking into your house and coming to a halt when you saw Rooster standing in the middle of the living room, eyes scrunched up in concentration as he looked ahead, not yet aware of your presence. “Baby?” You walked over and shook him lightly, worried when his eyes found yours and one of the tears slipped from his eyes, his breathing picking up once more and inching towards frantic, the air escaping his lungs faster than he could take more in. “Hey, what’s going on? Talk to me.” “My glasses.” He said, and you could see the tension in his jaw, an attempt at keeping it together. He hated when his emotions got the best of him, knowing how he should be able to be calm and collected, but sometimes he just couldn’t. And when that sometime was over something as relatively silly as this? That made it worse. You reached up to wipe a tear from his cheek, leaning over to kiss him softly. “It’s okay, we’ll find them. You had them yesterday.” you said, remembering when you had met before going out. He had them on when he kissed you, and he had them on until he climbed into the Bronco, slipping them in his shirt’s pocket. You went over the night aloud, adding some comments here and there to try to get him to smile, like how how pretty he looked when he picked you up wearing them, or how he definitely had them when he made out with you, almost making you late_, barely getting a reaction from him, but still proud of the slight twitch in his lips. “Your new shirt.” You said, finally stopping your ramble and glancing up at him, one hand up at the connection you made. “I already checked, they’re not-” “No, I mean, I gave you the new shirt last night. You took them off before that.” You tried to think back to when you got home. It was late, and you had drank, which made this task harder, especially when all you could truly focus on was the way he had held you once you walked through the door, his hands holding you steady as you slipped your shoes off, the darkness surrounding both of you as you made your way to the bedroom.  You reached the bedroom, looking down on the floor. No shirt there, but… “The car? Did you check in the-?” “Yes.” he interrupted you, tone harsh and frustrated. “Bradley.” You looked at him, eyebrows furrowed while stopping your movements. You knew he was frustrated, you knew he was panicking, but you were only trying to help. “I’m sorry.” You nodded. You knew he was, and his tone was honest, no matter how harshly that also came out as. “Help me look. Where did you leave your shirt? The old one.” you specified this time, taking a deep breath. “Laundry.” He pouted slightly, aware of your intent in helping him, but still annoyed and upset about the situation. He wasn’t panicking anymore though, which he was thankful for.

You nodded once more, walking into the bathroom and stopping the washing machine, waiting for some of the water to drain before opening it, rummaging through in search. “Here it is!” you exclaimed victoriously, pulling out his shirt, soapy and drenched, eyes on him. You watched him as his expression changed from stern to relieved, his eyes softening and welling up when he saw the familiar outline in the dripping pocket, kneeling alongside you and pulling them out. A soapy mess, but intact and fine and perfect. “See, it all worked out.” You said, placing a hand on his arm, letting out a squeal when he pulled you in his arms, trapping the wet shirt in between your bodies. Neither of you cared, his relief making his grumpy mood immediately vanish, and the feeling of being in your arms making your victory all the more worth it. “I love you.” He muttered into your shoulder, holding you close. “I know it was silly, sorry for how I acted.” “Roos.” You pulled away, searching for his eyes, placing your hand on his cheek. “I know what they mean to you. You’ve had them for your whole life. They’re important to you, and anything that is important to you is not silly, not to me. Okay?”  He smiled at your words, nodding. “And I love you too.” You added with a smile. “Good.” he chuckled lightly, standing and bringing you up with him, the shirt falling with a plop onto the floor. “We should probably get out of these wet clothes, right?” He asked with a smirk, drying his sunglasses on the bit of his shirt that was still dry, gently placing them on the bridge of his nose with a charming smile, his hand trailing up your arm, slipping under the strap of your dress. He let his mouth fall agape when the strap slipped down your arm, pretending to be surprised by his own action. “You're unbelievable.” you said back, smirking yourself as you reached nonetheless for his shirt, pulling the material up to reveal his skin.  "And you love that." he winked, laughing.Shirt and dress discarded, he couldn’t help but look at you, pulling you back against him, his arms tight around you. “Thank you.” He whispered again, holding onto you for just a moment longer, before picking you up and taking you to the bedroom, knowing just how he could thank you.

[bbrissonn]

𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐮 - 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐫 𝐳𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐬 (𝟏)

╰┈➤kinda nervous lol, making this on sept 22 at 11:51 pm. i came up with this idea for an au after seeing this post from @edwardslvrr like 2 hours ago

╰┈➤ october 8th bri bri here, decided to post this cause why not, it's all i've been thinking about since i started this au in my draft and i really want to make it public so yeah :))) hope you enjoy !!

╰┈➤ pairing: trevor zegras x ex!singer!reader

╰┈➤ masterlist

༊*·˚

-SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2023-

༊*·˚

: ̗̀➛ alannaoregon has posted on instagram for the first time in a while

alannaoregon

liked by jamie.drysdale and 1.8M others

alannaoregon so excited to announce that my sophomore album Tired of U comes out on October 13th !! this has been a work for almost 6 months and i cant wait for all of you to hear it. starting off with “i regret you everyday” coming out September 22th

much love, lana 🩵

view all 5,042 comments

becky.rivera GO BEST FRIEND

alannaoregon @/becky.rivera I LOVE YOU BEST FRIEND

user83 NEW MUSIC NEW MUSIC

jamie.drysdale so proud

alannaoregon @/jamie.drysdale love you little one

user920 soooo we all agree on who all of these are gonna be about right…?

user726 trevor went from having 12 love songs written about him, to 14 breakup song 🫢

user02 @/user726 from obsessed with you to tired of u..

sabrinacarpenter so happy to be by ur side and see u grow, cant wait for everyone these masterpieces 🩷

alannaoregon @/sabrinacarpenter love you so much 🩷

user53 the way lana always uses a blue or white heart, but always a pink one for sabrina 🥹

user836 @/user53 glad im not the only one who noticed

user637 BAHAHAHA LIKE 10 OF TREVORS FRIEND LIKED THIS

load more…

༊*·˚

: ̗̀➛ alanna oregon posted a new youtube video

“Becky bring your butt over here.” Alanna called out, placing her camera on the counter of her bathroom. Her skincare products in front of her as Becca made her way into the room, waving at the camera once she was in frame.

"I'm here, I'm here." The Rivera girl said as Alanna grabbed her first product and started applying it to her face.

"Hi cuties, it's me, Lana." The singer said in a weird voice, one she used in every intro. Becca snorted a bit, making her best friend giggle a bit. "I am back with my girl Becky."

"That's me."

"And today, we're gonna take for a lake day with us. And through out the day, I am gonna explaining every single song from my next album, Tired of u, that comes out on October 14th." Alanna explained as she moved onto her second product. Next to her, Becca was nodding along to what she way saying, a proud smile on her face.

"Go pre-save it, guys!"

"And we're gonna be starting with a single, I regret you everyday, coming out on September 20th."

"Not gonna lie, I think that's one of my fav." Becky said as Alanna moved onto her third product. The singer had already made her best friend listen to the whole album, but the girl was there for the writing and producing process so she already had a good idea of what the song were like.

"So, I regret you everyday is a pretty self explanatory title for the song. It's pretty much about regretting ever getting into a relationship with someone, let alone even meeting them even if it's something you can't control." The girl started as she applied her sunscreen gently to her skin. "I think it was the second song I finished writing, maybe like a week after my break-up."

"Wasn't it two weeks?"

"I dunno know, doesn't matter. I was just crying on Becky's couch one day and just came up with it, she helped me write some of the lines."

"You can call me Shakespeare now." The Rivera girl joked, causing her best friend to giggle once again.

"Any who, I picked that song to be a single because I think it really gives off the vibe of what the album is gonna be. Also, because Becky said she'd hit me if I didn't put-"

"Lies!"

"If I didn't put out as a single. So, yeah, now you know!" Alanna continued, ignoring the look her best friend was giving her. She quickly cut the camera after that, laughing at Becca's expression that still hadn't changed.

༊*·˚

The next clip was of the two girls in the kitchen, preparing their breakfast for the day.

"I don't know if we said it before, but we're at Becky's family cottage for the weekend, so we're gonna go swimming this afternoon." Was the first thing said in the clip, Becky in the frame as she broke the eggs. Alanna was in the back, doors of the fridge opened as the looked for the milk.

"Then I am taking her out a date to the porch for dinner with the sunset."

"Fun fact for y'all, the photo on the back of the album was taken by the neighbors of me and Becky. So, thanks to them for their contribution to the album."

"And to my dock for being the front of it." Becca added as she now left the frame and Alanna was now the main focus.

"The next song we're gonna talk about is sunset chasing. Now that song was... very emotional to make, because as some of you might know, I am a whore for sunsets, and sunset chasing was something I did a lot with my ex." The girl started explaining.

"Big big whore for them!"

"In the song, the sunset represents like my relationship with said ex, and how I was like chasing after him and his attention even though we were together for years already. And I guess you could say there's like a double meaning I think, like how sunset chasing turned into me chasing him." She added, smiling slightly had Becca's words.

"I was once again present for the writing of this song and contributed." Becca said, walking back into the frame for a slight second, a proud smile on her face.

༊*·˚

"The birds are trying to eat my food!" Becca yelled out, a loud laughing coming from Alanna as she filmed her best friend shoo away the birds. The two girls were now outside, their breakfast in front of them as they sat on the porch, from which they had a nice view of the lake.

"Becca, don't hurt them!" Alanna said from being the camera, making the girl in question look at her like she was crazy.

"They're going for my food, Lana." There was a cut after that, and then the two girls were sitting around a round table as they slowly ate their food.

"Can I introduce this song?"

"Even if I say no, you'll do it anyways, Becky."

"Damn right I will. Anyways, guys, the next song is called 11 feet behind!" Becca announced to the camera giggling a bit after saying the title of the song. "What's that song about, Lana?" She asked with wiggling eyebrows.

"That song is about always feeling like you're always behind in your relationship. Like people know more what's going on in your relationship than you do, which, fucked up for one, and two really sucks, because it makes you feel like you mean nothing to your partner."

"Guys, let me tell, my girl did not hold back with this one." Becca giggled while talking to the camera. When Alanna had told her best friend she'd be using Trevor's number in one of her song titles, the girl gasped, calling her crazy because of it.

"I am speaking the truth."

"I'm so proud of you, lanny." Becca said randomly, looking over at her best friend. Alanna laughed a bit before giving the girl a big hug, laughing a little.

༊*·˚

"We're getting Starbucks!" Becca yelled out as the next clip started, Alanna's laugh being heard once again. The two of them were now in the car, Becca driving as the other girl sat in the passenger seat, holding the camera so they were both in frame.

"Which is like totally crazy 'cause the next song was written in a Starbucks."

"What a coincidence."

"Right!" The two girl joked, their chuckles echoing in the car before Alanna focused back on the task at hand. "Anyways, it's called Friend Stealer. Long story short, it's about getting dumped by a guy so he can go date one of your friend, that he met through you."

"Snakes." Becky could be heard whispering in the back.

"And the reason why it was written in a Starbucks is because I just wanted to leave my house, get some caffein, and as I was just sitting there thinking about the whole thing, the lyrics just came to me. So, I wrote them down in my notes, typing like a crazy lady on my phone."

"She was gone for like three hours, I was so worried!" Becca said, making Alanna roll her eyes slightly.

"Okay, that's a bit dramatic, I was gone for like, forty-five minutes maybe."

"Still scared me."

"Moving on, that song was probably what helped me really get over my break-up, well more like started the whole moving on process. I was really just writing what I was feeling and yeah, that song was born. It was the first one that I found the melody for, but I think it was like, the forth I wrote, and that's when I decided I was making an album." The singer explained with a shy smile, recalling the happiness she had felt after finally writing out all her anger.

༊*·˚

"We're back in the car! Becky, what'd you get, girl?"

"I got a grande iced coffee with a splash of cream, two pumps of vanilla and two pumps of hazelnut." The girl explained her order, shaking her drinks around. "How about you, m'lady?"

"I got the same as always, my sir. A venti brown sugar oatmilk shaken expresso, only three pumps of brown sugar, three pumps of white mocha and no cinnamon."

"For all of you who didn't know, Lana's my sugar mommy, and she paid for my drink." Becca spoke, grabbing the camera for it was focusing on her. Her best friend scoffed a bit before bringing back to camera on her as Becky started to drive.

"Killing us softly is the name of the next song we're gonna be talking about. The title pretty much says it all, it just talks about how someone in a relationship just doesn't care enough and it's slowly killing their relationship." The clip cut right after the girl was done talking, and the next clip was of her sitting in her bed, filming on her phone with her headphones on.

"Guys, my camera died, oops. And at first Becky and I were gonna go to Target, well we still did, and film the next song in the car. Obviously, we couldn't do that, and my dumb ass forgot to like, go to the song we were gonna do in the car. So, here it is!

It's called mascara stained cheeks, once again, title says it all. But, it goes more into details about how toxic my relationship with my ex got, and how much he made me cry. Small reminder, that crying often in a relationship because of your partner, is not a healthy relationship, never has been and never will be. With that being said, next clip! Wait no, disclaimer, I got a little lazy with these, oops again, so the clips are pretty short. Okay, now, next clip!"

༊*·˚

The two girls were now laying on their chests on sun bathing chairs. The camera was set up on a small table in front of them as they both pushed themselves up on their chairs.

"30 seconds. Wanna do the honor's of explaining this one, Becky?"

"Yes please. This song is about how much of an asshole mister tiny dick was."

"Becca!"

"What? He was. Mister tiny dick broke up with my goddess of a best friend over a phone call, that lasted a solid 30 seconds." The Rivera girl explained, as Alanna gave her stern look.

"Becky, I'm gonna get demonetized because of you."

"Not my fault he had a tiny dick."

"Becca!"

༊*·˚

"Guys, it's editing Lana here again." The girl said, once again sitting in her bed. " So, apparently, none of my footage for the next three songs saved, yay. So, I am gonna have to do this little explanation segment again.

Okay, crushed mind. My baby, the second song I wrote, uhm, I pretty much got emotionally cheated on, so, my mind crushed. Oh my, God, I suck at explaining when I am alone. I feel so awkward just talking to my phone. Ugh, anyways, yeah, I don't know what else to say for that one.

Moving on, i miss u, this one I'm gonna explain so good, just watch, well listen... and watch. It's about missing the person your partner used to be, feeling like they've just become this whole new different person than the one you feel in love with. Which hurts, a lot. But, you know, people change, you can't get mad at people because of that... but you can write songs about it." The girl said, giggling slightly at the end.

"Last song that vanished, spinning circle, talks about conversations with my ex, would just be a spinning circle, I know the saying is like cycle or whatever, but the circle part is explained in the song. I can't tell you right now though, 'cause then I'm... I'm spoiling the like plot twist in the lyrics. Anyways, my camera figured itself out after that clip, so yeah. Back to Lanny and Becky from a week ago."

༊*·˚

The two young adults were sitting on the paddle board, which was tied to the dock so they didn't float away. The sun was beaming on them as their wet skin reflected the light slightly.

"I felt a fish touch me!" Becca gasped just as Alanna was about to speak.

"It's a fish, it's not gonna kill you."

"No, but you know what will, forgiving." Becca said, winking at the girl, clearly proud of herself for the word play. "Get it? 'Cause the next song is... forgive."

"Go you, girly. Forgive, is about forgiving myself for the pain I caused myself during the end of my relationship. Like, I knew it wasn't healthy and all, I knew I should've broken up with him, but I didn't. And it ended up hurting me a lot, and I wrote that song last, kinda like a letter to my past self, forgiving her for making me hurt."

"If any of you though it was about her forgiving mister tiny dick, you weren't alone. I though so too, and I almost wacked her when she told me." Becca said, using the nickname she had for Trevor once again. "Don't look at me like that, you're not gonna get demonetized!"

༊*·˚

"Okay, friends, it's now bedtime for us. We decided not to film after dinner, because we ended having a little heart to heart in the car after, and we just didn't really feel like it. So, we're gonna speed run the last three."

"Heist!" Becca called out. The two best friends were once again in the bathroom, now doing their nightly skincare.

"Going on a heist to get the smallest bit of attention from your partner." Alanna answered.

"heart n soul."

"How hurt my heart and soul were after my break up."

"Last one, tired of u!"

"Tired of... them. Yeah! No, uhm, I am gonna take a little more time on this one since it's also the name of the album. Tired of u, is just about how tired I was of how my old boyfriend was treating me and acting around me. And the reason I picked that name for the album, is because it really describes how I feel towards him still, and our relationship, even now. Overall, just tired of everything related to my old relationship, the media, the comments, just all of it."

"I got tired of him, too, Lanny." Becky said right before the clip cut, making the singer chuckle slightly.

༊*·˚

"Okay friends, we're now in our matching pjs, and we're gonna go to sleep now. So, thanks for hanging with us today."

"Don't forget to go pre-save the album!"

"And yeah, I'll see you guys soon. Bye bye!" Alanna said before leaning in and pressing a kiss to the lens, which Becca than repeated.

: ̗̀➛ comments

user80 the way every time she vlogs she always struggles with the camera- she's so me

user001 so excited to hear these songs, all of them sound so interesting !!!

user719 guys i think she's gonna release sunset chasing as a single before the album drops cause she did the whole album in order, expect for i regret you everyday and sunset chasing

user412 @/user719 OMG YOU'RE SO SMART alannaoregon @/user719 shhh bestie you're gonna ruin the surprise user719 @/alannaoregon OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HIIIII

[marvelsmarauder]

Like me

poly!marauders x fem!werewolf!reader inspired by this tiktok summary: After a argument with the marauders about your choice of friends, things are misunderstood. On a full moon, while Remus is transforming, the marauders find out the only secret their girlfriend has. Unfortunately on that particular night Remus loses control. warnings: bad words/cussing, jealousy, angst, fluff, BAD LANGUAGE/NOT PROOF READ

A/N: I hate this so much lmao. I've had this in my drafts and wanted to post it because it was swirling in my head since forever.

You have known the marauders since your first arrival at the train station in 1st year and have been dating three of them since 4th year. However you always had a feeling that they were hiding something from you. You didn’t blame them at first, since you weren’t as close with them like how they were to each other, you had your own group of friends. To the displeasure of your current boyfriends those friends were still in your life and none other than the Slytherin’s they hated the most. But also because you had your own little secret. Sirius, James and Remus were just horrible at being subtle about theirs. Over the years your relationship blossomed into what it is today but the little voice in the back of your mind kept nagging at you that they still didn’t trust you enough to tell you their big secret.

You ignored it. The insecure thoughts and harsh words directed at yourself were always locked up in a dark place that you rarely paid attention to. Today something was different. You couldn’t figure out what it was so you didn’t say anything, but today you felt extra sensitive than usually. It was nothing new to your boyfriends that you were grumpy at times, especially during those days of the month were you were bleeding in uncomfortable areas, so they didn’t talk to you about it. Still something was making you feel frustrated. Maybe it was the constant whispering the boys had been doing since yesterday. Maybe it was the disappearing together without even acknowledging you or it could be that Remus was always the first to leave. Remus, who always is the sweetest of you all and the best care giver you have ever met. It seemed that that Remus was hell bound on avoiding you and in doing so keeping the other two also out of your reach. You are sitting next to Regulus and Evan during breakfast and chatting with your friends. You are distracted by the book Regulus is telling you about that you don’t notice your boyfriends walking into the great hall. You don’t notice the jealous eyes that settle on you and sure as hell are oblivious to the pair of eyes that look at your direction, more likely to Regulus, with anger you would be afraid of. Sirius was purposefully sitting with his back turned to the Slytherin table and eating his food while chatting with James about quidditch so that the latter wouldn’t look at you every few seconds. He tried to include Remus in their conversation but the tall boy just growled at them and kept glaring at the younger Black, who was way too close to you in his opinion. Today would be the full moon of this month and Remus was being restless and more animal than himself this time. They all knew that tonight would be one of the harder cycles. Hopefully everything would go as smooth as possible. When Remus heard you laugh at something that Rosier said he abruptly stood up and left the hall. His two boyfriends looked at him warily when he stood up and followed him as soon as he took off. You laughed at something Evan had said when you heard Sirius’s voice “Remus, WAIT.” and looked over to the Gryffindor table, just seeing Remus’ frame disappearing from your sight as he left trough the big double doors. You watched as Sirius immediately rushed after the tall boy met James eyes who frowned and left soon after the other two. You felt as if someone had stabbed a blade trough your chest and set it on fire. What the hell was going on? Excusing yourself from your friends you stood up and made your way to the Gryffindor tower, the worried eyes of a younger Black brother following your figure till you disappeared from his view.

Your pace was quick as you walked trough the halls of Hogwarts, climbed up the stairs and said the password which gave you permission to enter the Gryffindor common room. When you didn’t see your boyfriends anywhere you quickly made your way up to the boys dormitory's.

Before you could knock on the door you hear your boyfriends shouting at each other, which greatly surprised you, seeing as the boys never fought and the doors should be charmed to not let any noise. Then you saw that the door is ajar. “WELL I DIDN’T TELL HER TO FLIRT WITH EVERYONE THAT HAS A DICK BETWEEN THEIR LEGS, DID I ?!” Remus’ shouting made you stop your hand that was about to push open the door. It broke your heart to hear what your boyfriend said about you. You knew that the boys didn’t much like your friends, however they’ve never acted out this much. You didn’t notice the tears that were falling down you cheeks, when suddenly your whole composure changed and you were fuming with anger. They had no right to talk about you like that when they had been nothing but distant and ignorant towards you. You slammed open the door and all heads snapped to you. James’ eyes widened at your tears but when he saw the anger in your eyes he decided it would be better not to point them out nor to walk up to you.

“You selfish git, you have no right to speak about me like that. What is you bloody problem, Lupin?!” you spat at him, a fire burning in your eyes. You were heartbroken and felt betrayed. You had every right to feel like shit, but you wanted to know what the cause of all of this was.

“I will tell you what my bloody problem is. You, eye fuckin’ those nasty Slytherin's. Why do you not ask them to just shag you, or maybe you have already-” Remus’ harsh words were cut off by you slapping his cheek. His head snapped to the right and it was dead silent. “y/n, he didn’ mean it. He-” Sirius attempt at cooling down the situation was also cut off this time by you speaking up. You were glaring at Remus with more tears streaming down your face, he wasn’t looking at you, he has not moved his head yet, frozen in place they all listen to what you say. “I have no idea what is going on with you these days, but you have no right to be jealous nor talking shit about me, when you have done nothing but avoid me and be distant. I don’t even remember the last time you talked to me other than insulting me now.. Whatever the hell you boys are keeping secret is destroying this relationship and I’m not up for it. This is nothing but toxic, I don’t even know if we should keep this up.” Remus snapped his eyes up at your words and the crack I n your voice at the end. When he saw how much hurt swirled in your eyes he immediately regretted what he said, but it was too late now. Before he could even say something you stormed out of the room and into your own shared dorm. It had been a couple of hours later, fortunately it was a Saturday and so you did not need to attend any classes, you had barricaded yourself in your bed with the curtains around the furniture drawn closed. Your roommates were checking in on you every hour but you shut them down quickly. Was it over now? Sure, you were the one who said those things but did you really mean them ? You loved the boys, more than anything but wouldn’t it be a mistake if you kept secrets from each other and then ended up fighting? So many questions swirling in your head that you could find no answers to. It was getting dark and it was when Dory, your roommate, shook you awake that you realized how late it was, you had fallen asleep after all the crying. You looked out of the window, that showed the view over the castle grounds and behind the walls, the moon was only starting to get up while the last sun rays made it over the surface. You quickly grabbed the potion that had been gifted to you last month by Severus. Another Slytherin friend, whom you’ve known before attending Hogwarts. Rushing down the stairs you made it out trough a hidden passage way that led you into the center of the forbidden forest. You downed the potion that helped you stay in control of your transformation and delayed the full moons attention. You had been a Lycanthrope since you were a baby, a mistake of your uncle that isn’t talked about, and you’ve gotten used to the transformation by the time that you were seven years old. Yes, it was immensely painful but as a kid who has been going trough the transition since the age of 8 months you didn’t know any better. You thought it was just something everyone went trough so you gave yourself to the pain and every time you did it the better you got with control and the pain.

A few more transitions later and you were completely control of your transformation. You are now able to transform at any time you wish on a full moon night and how often or long you wanted to. You still had to transform if you didn’t do it on your own your body forced you to but that happened rarely, you found joy while running through the woods.

You could also stay in your half transitioned form for longer than usual which saved your life a few times.

The moon was finally at its apex when you heard something rustle somewhere in the forest. Your hearing was now quite enhanced that you could almost hear the merpeople in the black lake singing to each other. You supposed that the noises came from the whomping willow and payed it no mind. You decided that you should transform and get it over with when you heard a scream and howl while you were mid transformation. Transforming fully, you began to sprint in the direction of the restless tree. When you arrived you could hear a fight going on under the tree. Or more like someone struggling with something. When you heard another painful cry your eyes widened at the familiar voice who was trying to talk to someone. Keyword: trying. “REMUS LISTEN, YOU NEED TO STOP!! JAMES, get away!” you quickly found a whole near the roots of the whomping willow. Your small thin werewolf appearance could easily dodge the the trees whipping branches and slipped trough the whole. Under the tree was a small cabin. You didn’t know who would build something in such a dangerous place. You walked into another room- a bedroom- and froze on your spot. What you saw made your heart race- It all made sense now. You saw Remus also mid transition, clearly not in charge of what’s happening to him, on top of Sirius ready to hurt your boyfriend in ways you didn’t want to think about. On the other side of the room you could see James propped up against the wall with a few cuts on his body. A half human, half wolf Remus snarled at Sirius before raising his claws and making himself ready to strike when you transformed back and ran at him, pushing him off of Sirius. Taking a protective stance in front of your boyfriend you slightly crouched down which made Sirius’ eyes widen. “Y/N YOU NEED TO GET OUT! He’s not himself” the raven haired boy said panicked but you didn’t pay him any mind as you kept your eyes on Remus. “Remus!” your boyfriend growled at you and made his way up to you, ready to attack, but you anticipated this and dodged his swing. You took a few steps away from Sirius, making the lycan follow you. Moony snarled at you and then fixed his gaze onto James, who was still struggling with a few wounds. You saw it in slow motion, how Remus raced to James and bit into his arm. James screamed in pain and you transformed immediately, running up to the boys and pushing the sandy brown haired boy away from your hurt boyfriend. Moony growled but when he saw another wolf he grew quite. You snarled at him and stood in front of James. Remus stared at you. Moony didn’t understand if the new wolf is a friend or enemy. You stared at him before going back to your half transformed state and letting your eyes glow up once again.

Moony growled again but you held your hand up and took a step closer, making him growl louder. “Remus!Remus! Remus! Listen! Listen!Listen!“ the transforming boy looked up at you and for a second you saw Remus‘ scared eyes. “You‘re not a monster! You‘re a werewolf!.. like me.“ something in him seemed to stir when you let your yellow wolf eyes glow and he kept staring at you. Slowly you saw how the animal features seemed to leave his face and your sweet boyfriend came to view. “Just like that, Rem! You’re controlling it.” you said, impressed and proud of your boyfriend. Remus stared at you wide eyed and breathless, kneeling on the floor, he dropped down so that he was sitting on the cold floor “I am?” he questioned in disbelief. “Yea, baby, you’re great, just breathe” you smiled at him and he let out an exhausted chuckle “I’m not alone?” you shook your head and gave him small sad smile while kneeling in front of him and taking his hands into yours, “You never were” he beamed at you. “James!” Sirius’ panicked call caught your attention. You looked behind you to see your bespectacled boyfriend smiling tiredly at the pair of you, his eyes fluttering closed as the blood flowed out of his arm.

Remus’ heart sank. He felt his insides churn and would have thrown up if he could. He had hurt James. He was frozen in his place and couldn’t comprehend anything. You instantly stood up and rushed to James’ side, Sirius following you soon after. “If you won’t be turning into another animal Siri, you better help me!” you said worried for your boyfriend “Jamie, hey, keep your eyes open sweetheart, okay?” you instructed in hopes of distracting him.

The curly haired boy could only nod slightly before he was picked up by Sirius. You supported Remus and the three four of you rushed to the hospital wing. Sirius placed James in a bed in the corner, you helped Remus to lay down on the opposite one and called for Poppy. The nurse quickly walked up to you and you all pointed out to James who was struggling to keep his eyes open and she got to work. You walked up to Sirius, standing next to James’ bed and slipped your hand trough the Black’s. He turned his head slightly and kissed your forehead, no one saying anything as Poppy helped James while you and Sirius watched him, Remus was peering over from his bed but was struggling to keep his eyes open. He felt nothing but guilt and sadness consume him. He truly was a monster, he thought.

As if he had read his boyfriends mind, Sirius looked over to Remus to see tears flowing down his cheeks. He sighed and squeezed your hand. You looked up at him with own tears gathering in your eyes, though yours were in sympathy and worry for the Gryffindor quidditch captain. The Black heir nodded to the bed you placed Remus on and when you turned to look at your third boyfriend you squeezed Sirius’ hand back and let his hand go so that he could go to Remus. You turned back to James to see that his eyes were twitching. You kneeled next to his bed and took his hand in yours. “Come on, Jamie. Let me see those pretty eyes of yours, please” You held back a sob as your voice cracked and more tears fell down your cheeks. You couldn’t imagine yourself living in a world without any one of your boyfriends. They were your happiness, they were the reason you stood up every morning, they were your reason to live.

Sirius sat at the edge of Remus’ bed and took his hand into his own. The tall boy had his eyes fixed on the Potter who looked as if he was in pain. When Sirius went to wrap his arms around Remus the latter flinched away from his touch. He stared at the black haired boy with widened eyes that were clouded with fear. He had hurt James, he could not hurt Sirius too. He couldn’t hurt any of you again. He will never forget this and will be plagued with guilt.

“Hey, Rem. It’s okay. He’s gonna be fine.” Sirius whispered. He tried to calm his boyfriend, he knew how it was to shy away from someones touch. He didn’t want to make Remus uncomfortable even if he knew that Remus’ reasons where way different than his own. “N-no. He’ll hate me. We should- I think- He should hate me. I- You all should. I don’t want to hurt you. Please.” Remus could not express himself. He wanted to say that he thought that they should break up. They are better off without him. But he knew that he could never be the one to say it, he was that selfish, he couldn’t imagine what his life would be like without his boyfriends and girlfriend. He couldn’t imagine what he would be like.

“He’ll heal without problem. You brought him here just in time.” Poppy’s voice cut off any other thing that would have been said as all three Gryffindors sighed in relief. You kneeled next to James’ bed and pressed your forehead against his fingers that were intertwined with yours. You felt your whole body shake as you realized in what kind of situation you guys were in and how badly it could have ended.

The nurse went on to Remus to inspect his injuries and to make sure that he didn’t have any after affects because of the transformation.

You all stayed the night at the hospital wing. Eventually Sirius fell asleep on the chair next to James’ bed. You were seated on the chair next to Remus’ bed and stared at the floor.

Remus had his eyes fixed on you as he thought about your secret. You were also a werewolf, just like him. You didn’t seem to be in any pain when you transformed.

He couldn’t believe that you had full control of your transition and more so when he remembered that you helped him gain control. He had stopped his transformation. How was that even possible?

“How did you do it?” Remus’ weak voice made you snap out of your thoughts. You looked at him and tilted your head as if to say ‘What do you mean?’ “How did you control your transformation? A-and how did I?” he stammered.

You stood up and sat next to him on his bed. You wrapped your arms around his stomach and rested your head on his chest. “I could control it since I was 10. My uncle is a werewolf and he’s helped me a lot. He taught me that in order to gain control over your wolf you have to embrace all your emotions. Good and bad. Your biggest fears and your saddest moments. Everything. It got easier for me when I met you three.” Remus hung on every word you said. He was intrigued to hear your story but didn’t want to ask.

He also felt a bit better and happier when he heard that they could be your support, even though unintentional. But he couldn’t understand how he did it. He always thought his biggest fear was he himself. “The moment you realized that you were not alone, that I was like you, you faced your biggest fear. And at the same time a happy moment. That’s how you did it. Honestly I’m surprised you weren’t able to before.” You looked up at him to see him looking at you already. You leaned up to capture his lips in yours. He deepened the kiss as if muscle memory. It was slow and steady, just what he needed to sort out his swirling thoughts. “I love you.” Remus whispered when you pulled away. He cast his gaze to Sirius and trailed over to James before looking back to you “I love all of you” he added. You smiled tiredly at him “We love you too. Get some rest, love.”

Remus nodded before he remembered the reason why tonight escalated “Y/n?” “Hm?” “I’m sorry. For arguing with you. I was angry and the moon was starting to effect me and I know that’s not an excuse but I’m just so so so-” He was cut off when you crashed your lips back onto his to stop him from rambling. “It’s alright. It really hurt that you thought that of me but-” now it was his turn to cut you off

“NO! I would never think that and I never did. I just *sigh* I distanced myself because I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want to hurt you. Which seems ironic now, but still. I was jealous and said things I didn’t mean, really!” He said sincerely. You nodded and rested your head back onto his chest. You both fell asleep soon after.

—————————————————————————————

[middstape]

Chapter 1 (the letter) will x lisi au

7 a.m. November 17, 2023

Today is the day.

At four p.m. Lisi will find out if she is accepted to play in the world juniors her third year in a row.

A month prior Lisi received the letter in the mail stating that she was a possible draft prospect and to keep up to date if the world juniors wanted her. It's not that she was really nervous about not getting a chance to return to the team but almost half of her freshman season was cut short due to a shoulder injury.

At seven sharp Lisi heard the piercing noise of her alarm clock going off. She groaned and turned over turning off the alarm before putting the covers over her head. She was never much of an early riser. Just as she begins to doze back off there's a knock on her bedroom door.

"Lisi can I come in?" a small, shy voice from the other side of the door calls out.

Elliot.

Elliot is Lisi's younger brother- the baby of the family who has been attached at the girls hip since she could remember. He has always had a habit of getting up before everyone else and waiting outside her bedroom door for the alarm clock to go off before asking to come in.

Lisi lets out a short sigh before responding. "Sure bud comm'on in." Not even a second later Elliot is rushing into the room straight on to Lisi's bed.

Elliot looks up at her and whispers "Are you nervous about today?" Lisi looks up at her little brother with a slight smile "Only a little bit, nothing crazy to worry about." He smiles before it slowly fades from his face, "If you leave I'm not going to see you for a long time." Lisi's eyes soften at the little boy "Don't worry too much babe, it's only a couple of weeks."

"Yeah I guess." He mumbles. Lisi pauses for a minute before speaking up "Tell you what, let me get ready and you can come with me and Allison to get breakfast and get ready tonight." Elliots eyes light up before bolting up from the bed "Really?!" Lisi almost laughs "Yes really now go get ready or I'll leave you here." She warns. Before she can say more Elliot is up from the bed and halfway down the hallway.

After Elliot is out of the room, Lisi gets up from bed and starts to get ready for the day. She throws on some straight legged-light washed jeans and a baggy graphic t-shirt before brushing her hair.

---

As she walks down the stairs her phone pings twice.

Going into the living room Lisi takes her phone out of her back pocket and see's that she has a text from her best friend and an unsaved number in her phone.

iMessages

Alley Cat: im ready for ya whenever u get here ;)

Lisi: gotcha be there as soon as E's ready <3

Lisi smiles at Allison's text before getting another message from the unknown number.

iMessages

xxx-xxx-xxxx: yo future miss usa cap we're in madison rn if you want to meet up

xxx-xxx-xxxx: oh shit this is ryan btw

Ryan? Ryan who? Lisi scrunched her eyebrows before texted back.

Lisi: um ryan who sorry?

xxx-xxx-xxxx: damn you don't see someone in four months and the forget who you are :(

The lightbulb went off in her head before she grinned and rolled her eyes.

Lisi: leonard. that's totally not my fault i have your old number. if anything you forgot about me when you didn't send me the new one.

Ryan Leoser: um well thats irrelevant anywho you wanna meet up with us

Lisi: and who is us?

Ryan Leoser: me gabeo and smitty

Lisi: I suppose I can make time for you guys in my sched yk busy day and all

Ryan Leoser: yeah yeah grandma where you wanna meet

Lisi: blah blah blah meet me and allison at breakfall in 45 don't be late

Ryan Leoser: yes ma'am i've got a very excited blondie wanting to see you. he'll make sure we aren't late.

---

Lisi grins before turning off her phone before calling out to Elliot. "Let's go bud we got a lot to do today." Elliot comes rushing down the hallway before making it to the door.

As they walk out to Lisi's car she speaks up to her brother "Do me one favor El?" He looks up at her with curious eyes "What?"

Lisi tries to hold in her laugh "Never become as annoying as Ryan Leonard."

~an~

hooray chapter one is done *cue bullhorn*

any who this is only slightly proof-read so mb for any mistakes

also ikik no will this chapter :( BUT he is coming don't even fret

also ryan<3

[thewritingofspencerrose]

I know, it's (VERY, im so sorry) delayed, this has been sitting in my drafts since the day his trade was announced and i just got around to finishing it up. enjoy!

"Jamie," Is all I can think to respond to my brothers words. "I can't just move to Pennsylvania, you know that. I have three more years left of schooling."

You were supposed to have 3 more years on your contract, I want to add, but I know that's not what he needs right now. He was just traded away from his home with no warning, he doesn't need his little sister giving him a hard time.

"I know, trust me I know. I was so focused on getting my deal with the Ducks because of that. But some kid that was supposed to go to Philly had a change of plans and now I have to be on a plane there from Nashville at 5 in the morning."

"You don't even get to play against the Predators?" I ask, not realizing just how sudden this was all about to happen. "Do you need me to send you things? God I didn't realize this would all be so sudden."

"Kid, let's worry about what I need in a minute, I need to talk to you about you, the apartment, all of that." Oh shit. I can't afford this place. "I talked to Trevor, and he and I think you should move in with him."

"You... what?"

"I-"

"No, I heard you," I interrupt, not even letting him get two words in. "Why on earth is that your first thought? Let me have my sister move out of the apartment we've been living in and in with my best friend? Didn't Trevor literally move out because he wanted more space?"

"I know, and he knows that, but you're my little sister, I don't like the idea of you just finding some random roommate. And Trev promised that he'd look after you," Jamie explains, and I don't want to give him more grief than necessary today of all days, "I just need to know you're being looked after if I'm going to be on the east coast."

"Have you already talked to Trevor about this?"

"He offered."

Oh fuck me.

"Oh, woah," Are the first words out of Trevor's mouth when he walks in the door, two weeks and change after Jamie's move. After my moving in.

"I promise I tried not to touch anything, I just-"

"No, I told you that you should make yourself at home," He reminds, dropping his gear by the door. "It's just, I don't know, feels more homey in here than when I left."

"It's probably because you got so used to living with me and JD that seeing my things around reminds you," I offer, trying to ignore the way he's looking at me like the entire reason this place feels like home is me. "Speaking of my brother, when you offered this little deal to him did you happen to mention that you'd been sleeping with said little sister for months before you moved out?"

I probably should have seen what he was doing when he started to distance himself from me and should have realized I had gotten too attached when it hurt for him to do so.

And I had been doing fine with getting over him until JD had this fantastic idea.

Now he's here, his look shifting from admiration to shock.

"Why- why would I tell Jimmy that?"

"You're basically boyfriends, I would have thought you'd tell him about your torrid affair," I can't help the joke slipping, only earning myself an eye roll as he throws himself on the couch, landing by my feet and making the book on my lap nearly fall to the floor.

"You and everyone else need to stop thinking that we're boyfriends, you know better than any of us that I am not into guys," He returns, pointing at me like he's trying to prove his point.

Now I'm the one rolling my eyes. "Trev, the whole world knows you're into women, have you not seen the photos of you and that D'Amelio sister around? You're hot gossip on the internet."

I hate it.

"Oh God," He groans, head falling in his hands, and it's not the joking one I'm expecting, but genuine discomfort.

"Trev? You okay?" I'm already moving before I've finished asking, my book set aside as I move to his side, hand coming to caress the back of his neck, where his shaggy hair meets his hoodie.

I can't help but take a moment to hesitate, knowing that if he is with her like the tabloids say, I'm far too close to a gray area than I should be.

But it's Trevor. He helped JD move me into their apartment, after agreeing to me living with them in the first place.

He's always been there for me as long as JD and he have known each other, and I have always done my best to be there for him.

"It's the God damn media," is his whispered answer, shoulders slumping. "I can't be seen with a girl without being assumed to be with her, you know?"

"I can't say that I do," It's honest. Also very unhelpful. "You're sitting with the boring Drysdale, I have as much experience with the media as being photographed with you and JD."

His eyes rise up, looking at me for only a second before he's looking back down at his hands, ringing them. "You're not boring, Kate."

"You know what I mean-"

"No," He interrupts, eyes jumping up again, this time remaining on me. "You're not boring, you're normal in the best way. Why do you think I ended things?"

What?

"You deserve normal."

My hand stills on his neck, slowly sliding across his shoulder until it's back in my lap. "Trevor, what are you talking about? If this is because things aren't working with her and I'm suddenly around-"

"I was never with her!" He's yelling, moving to stand in the time it takes me to process his words and turning back on me, eyes wild. "We were in that photo because a mutual friend had a birthday and everyone ran with it!"

"Trev, you don't have to explain your dating life to me," I sound almost desperate, desperate in my desire to not hear about the women he's seen since our last night. My voice is the one who gets quiet now, "I'd really rather you not."

"You're not listening to me," Trev is nearly grunting, pausing to sit on the coffee table in front of my legs. "I haven't been seeing anyone else, it's why the photos piss me off. They have you thinking I'm out sleeping around," His hands rest on my knees, thumbs gently running over them. "You're not someone a person can just move on from, Kate."

"Trevor, you can't do this to me," There's that desperate tone again. "You broke off our arrangement. I was ready to become more and you were the one who said we'd have to just be friends, that I had to go back to being your best friend's little sister."

His thumbs dig in momentarily, the only thought coming to mind being when he last did that, hands slowly guiding my legs apart and -

No!

"Do you not know how much I've regretted every word of what I said?" He looks so genuine. He's Trev, of course he's being genuine.

"What made you change your mind?"

"The idea that you'd be moving to Philadelphia," There's no hesitation.

And I can't help but laugh. "Trevor Zegras, I have one year left of my undergrad and two of my masters. You can't have thought I'd really be uprooting my life," a smile comes back to his face for the first time since he walked in to see me on the couch.

"Are you laughing at me?" Is his falsely offended cry, making me laugh even harder. "How dare you!" His hands find my sides immediately, fingers moving in sync to tickle where he knows I'll feel it most.

His body has moved onto mine, my breathe leaving my lungs faster than they can refill as I wiggle.

"Trev! Trev! Get off of me, you goon!" He just smiles, propping himself up on his arms enough to pop back into a sitting position.

It's so soft, the look in his eyes.

"Give me another chance, please?" That's why he looks so soft.

He's scared.

But I am too. This has gotten more complicated than before.

"Trevor... this has gotten so much more complicated-"

"How?"

"What?" How could he possibly be asking how this could be more complicated.

He's smirking now. "It's actually less complicated. We're still roommates and I still want to be with you, only difference is your brother isn't on the other side of the door, keeping us quiet."

He's not wrong.

Now it's my turn to smile. "If we try this again, we're a couple. No casual sex."

"Deal," His smile is brighter than the lights at the stadium. "My terms were the same."

"And-"

"And? You want a kiss?" He supplies, and while it's not at all what I was going to say, I'm going to let him have this one.

So I nod.

He leans in.

And when our lips touch, it doesn't matter that he's my brother's best friend, or that I'm his best friend's little sister.

We're home.

[vinxhwrites]

I've had this idea in my drafts for a long time and only finished it today because I was procrastinating on the many many assignments I have for this week. I've never written smut before so I don't know what I'm doing, also I'm very sleepy so maybe it sucks, but here it is:

ghost x f!reader x soap

nsfw, +18

word count: 8.2k

cw: nsfw! lots of fluff, tiniest bit of h/c, smut in the end, unprotected sex (don't do it!); alcohol consumption, quite long descriptions of anxieties I guess; also not proofread, sorry

You enjoyed existing in the liminal space between something romantic and something purely friendly. You wanted to get to know every aspect of love, feel it from all directions, in all its forms.

You always wondered what exactly was the tipping point to make one thing turn into another. You wondered if it even existed, if experience could ever be restrained to one set type of relationship, if love could be divided into sections, named and labeled, put into existence and then put to death once things ended, instead of just being the overflowing unconditional force that you hoped it was.

In reality, of course, love can't be limited or restrained by words that aim to define, control or organize it. In practice, you've found it within yourself as something stronger, more nuanced, and freeing than you could've ever hoped it would be.

Ghost first heard Soap refer to you as his "nap buddy" over breakfast one day. He frowned, the first thought to cross his mind being whether the two of you were skipping work to take naps. But Soap went on, telling Gaz about how he'd been creeping into your bed at night when he couldn't sleep. "I feel like a baby, I swear" Ghost overheard him say "she'll just tell me stories until I fall asleep."

It all had started almost two months prior to that conversation, when you bumped into Soap in the corridor one night. You were both sleepy but suffering from insomnia. He shared little tips with you on what usually helped him: walking around, counting sheep, breath exercises; although he admitted this time none of it was working.

You explained your problem was the crippling anxiety that came with the insomnia sessions. You hated being alone with your thoughts during the dark moments of the night, which filled you with unreasonable angst.

You two walked around outside for a while. It was a cold night and you both started to shiver a bit. Soap rubbed his hand on your back in an attempt to warm you, but you concluded it was best to go back to your rooms. Then, as you approached your door, right beside his, you had an idea:

"Hey, I hope this doesn't sound too weird...but would you like to try to sleep with me?"

He smiled at you and accepted the invite.

At that moment, you navigated the perfect moment of sleepiness when rational thoughts can barely form, all that is left are the primary ideas, informed only by your senses and memories. The anxious voices of decent social conduct are far too tired to interject with your thoughts at this point. Anything can seem appropriate, nothing feels real and there is true bliss to be found somewhere.

That's why it felt so natural to curl up in bed with Soap that night, you rested your head on his shoulder and he held your hand. He caressed your hair before saying something nice about the way you smelled and closed his eyes. You surely talked for a bit, in whispers, but neither of you would be able to recall what the conversation was about if someone asked. And just like that, both of you were able to fall asleep in a few minutes of comfort.

It quickly developed into a habit for difficult nights, you now depended on these moments as if they were some kind of medicine. It surely didn't make the issue go away completely for either of you, but it sure was nice to find some comfort in each other's company. Having someone to talk to was a good distraction from your racing thoughts, it was easier to relax when you were with him. Plus, he didn't seem to mind how you jumped effortlessly from one topic to another, talking about anything that came to mind.

Soon, Soap started looking for you even before trying to fall asleep by himself, "preventive care" he explained with a smile when you'd open the door relatively early at night, looking a bit puzzled. You got into the habit of telling him stories, real and made-up, creating nice scenarios for his dreams.

You've let him kiss you a few times, but it never really went much further than that, even though it was no secret that he liked you as a bit more than a friend.

Part of the reason for your contentment with kisses was that both of you were almost always too tired to invest in more than that, but part of it was because of your resistance to changing your relationship dynamic. What you had built with him felt so stable in its tenderness that you were scared to risk losing it.

You've always felt, previously in life, that sex complicated things. Especially with men, especially when you thought they were your friends first, to later be heartbroken by the fact that they really just wanted to fuck you, and had no love to give. You really wished it would be different with him.

But Soap was well-versed in love, he wasn't scared of it. He fully embraced it, actually. Sometimes, while you played with your fingers through his hair, he'd make a point of telling you about his love, the depths of it, how much he could give you of it if you'd let him.

"But it's perfect like this" you cried, anytime he brought up the topic of sex, fearing the inevitable low after the high. Yet, to him sex was irremovable from love, it was the best way he knew how to demonstrate it.

He once told you that you made him feel like a teenager again, saying you were like his prudish high school girlfriend.

The furthest you've gone at this point was letting him finger you one night, just because he begged and whined so much. "I need to feel you" he said, out of breath from kissing you, and you just couldn't resist. It wasn't like you didn't desire him, you were scared doing it would make you want him more. And it did.

He licked his own fingers afterward, which made a moan escape from your mouth. He kissed you again before resting his head on your shoulder. Didn't ask for anything in return. Soap was a lover by definition. And the fact that he respected your boundaries made you treasure him even more.

"You know you can sleep with other people, right?" you assured him, afraid that he'd resent you if you kept him waiting.

"Yeah, but it's not the same thing" he replied.

You were on a first-name basis now, you called him Johnny and, when the two of you were alone, he called you "baby", even letting it slip in front of other people sometimes.

Ghost reprehended you for it one day when he heard it. Not Johnny, you. It was inadequate, he said, and made you apologize to him.

You thought Ghost was scary. It was in a similar manner to which you used to think your linguistics professor at University was scary: in a hot, sexy but very menacing way. You desired his approval and had the impression that you were never going to get it. His mere presence made your legs weak. Maybe it was the authority aspect that messed with your mind, or at least that's what you tried to justify to yourself.

He intimidated you more than anyone, constantly making you feel inadequate just by looking at you. It felt unfair to not even be able to see him properly most of the time, it made you feel naked in every interaction when he could see you so clearly. And on top of that, there was the constant staring: You were always under his watch if he was around as if he was constantly waiting for you to do something wrong. Plus, he seemed to be way more critical of you than he was of others, always questioning you or anything you did, and complaining about your skills or your lack of punctuality (even if you were late by just a minute).

"I think he hates me," you told Johnny one day. "I really do".

He chuckled in response. "He doesn't hate you. He's just really bad at expressing...anything"

"I think he's really good at expressing his hatred for me" you whined back "He doesn't treat you as badly".

"Well, baby, but you can't compete with me!" he smirked proudly "He loves me".

The truth is Ghost loved hearing you say "I'm sorry, sir" in a soft and exhausted voice, it tickled something inside him that he couldn't quite name. It was equally exciting and disturbing to him. But you didn't know that, which is why it caught you by surprise when he showed up at your door one night, as you were about to fall asleep.

Ghost wasn't one to sleep together, not even with the random people he had sex with on occasion. Sleep had always been a solitary activity to him, something he struggled with by himself.

The idea of having someone to sleep with, of it being such a comfort hadn't left his mind ever since he heard John talking about it at the table weeks before. He started to catch himself fantasizing about it, thinking about the warmth of having someone's body so close to him, if it'd be something to shield him from his nightmares. He started to wonder about how soft your skin must feel.

It was a foreign feeling to him, this yearning for something so intimate, but it got to a point where he just had to try it.

"Ghost?" you were confused. He wore sweatpants and a long-sleeved grey t-shirt, and still had a black balaclava on. He closed the door behind him.

"Johnny said you let him sleep with you sometimes" he cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

"Right" you responded, waiting for him to scold you for it. But he just stood there in silence "Would you like to sleep here too...?" you guessed amused after he let the silence hang for a bit too long.

He took a deep breath, "May I?" he asked.

"Sure, come here." you moved closer to the wall to make space for him. You couldn't help but smile as you felt him sit down on your bed, the heat coming from his body already making you want to get closer.

"You know I don't have sex with him, right?"

"I didn't come here for sex" he answered immediately, sounding almost offended, then sighed "I can't sleep''.

"OK" you said, already regretting having opened your mouth in the first place.

He laid down on his back beside you exhausted and took a deep breath. He removed his balaclava and put it on your nightstand. You noticed you were holding your breath, terrified of ruining this moment of intimacy.

"You'd better not snore" he said in a low voice, adjusting himself on your pillow with a hand behind his head and the other on his chest.

You chuckled a bit, letting yourself relax by his side. "I don't snore." you assured him "at least, not that I know of".

Ghost didn't answer you this time, and even in the dark you could see he had closed his eyes.

"Permission to touch you, sir?" you asked in a whisper after a few seconds of collecting your courage, craving to feel his skin.

That first night, he let you hold his hand while you two slept. It felt tiny and fragile on his. When he woke up sweating in the middle of the night, as he often did, his heart rate eased when he felt your presence by his side, it did feel different.

He avoided you like the plague for three days straight after that night, you thought he'd never look at you again. You thought you've done something wrong and scared him away. In reality, he was scared he'd poisoned himself by getting a taste of something so novel to him, and feared he'd become addicted to it.

He tried to go back to his regular routine, but now the emptiness of his bedroom felt even more evident, his bed felt colder. Then, when you were starting to become at peace with the anxiety that had built up in your stomach at this point, he showed up at your door again.

This time he didn't say anything after you agreed to let him in, feeling absolutely defeated. He laid on his side, his back turned to you. You asked if you could touch him once more and when he agreed you threw your arm around his torso, cuddling him. He felt a goosebump as your breath touched his back.

And he wouldn't tell you, but when he woke up he couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a good night of sleep.

You told Johnny about it the next day as casually as possible, fearing to find a trace of jealousy in his eyes. But instead, they seemed to brighten with delight. "See, I told you he didn't hate you" he smiled.

For the next few weeks, your lieutenant started being kinder to you, albeit in his own way. He stopped reprehending you for stupid reasons, gave you a little pat on the back when you did well during training, and even made you a cup of tea once when he heard Gaz comment that you had a cold one day, putting it in front of you at the table and walking away without saying a word.

You discovered him to be someone more playful than you previously imagined, witty even. The affection you had for him grew stronger with each passing day, as your impression of him morphed into something new, and you just couldn't keep it to yourself. But, unlike Johnny, who loved being touched, Ghost had serious boundaries. Most times you could tell you'd overstepped. He'd let you know it immediately: removing your hand from his face if you touched it, clearly stating "don't" if you ever dared to try to touch his hair, he'd move his hand away when you started to mindlessly draw circles on it with your fingers, and - the only aspect that didn't make you feel completely rejected - pushing you away slightly in bed if you ever got close enough to feel the solid volume in his pants.

For him, physical touch tended to be a utilitarian exchange: maybe he'd get a pat on the shoulder for doing a good job, he'd get kisses and caresses when someone used him for sex, he'd get injured during combat, but your touch was something new: it made no practical sense, there was no transaction to be made, no endpoint, it was just affection for the sake of affection. He didn't know what to do with it.

As your intimacy deepened, Ghost revealed to you that suffered from terrible migraines every once in a while and got into the habit of coming to sleep with you on those days, although he did complain every single time that your constant rambling on different topics made his head hurt even more. He'd retract the statement as soon as you stopped talking though.

One day, when he was in a particularly terrible mood, you offered him a massage. "What good will that do, huh?" he grunted "You just want to touch me"

You chuckled "well, that is partially true, sir" and he smiled behind his balaclava. But you insisted, proceeding to explain how the tension on his neck muscles could be causing the headaches, or at least making them worse, and that was enough to convince him to let you do it.

"It doesn't work if you don't try to relax" you said, pressing your fingers to the base of his neck. You were sitting on the bed, back rested on your pillow, with him between your legs, his back turned to you.

"I'm trying" he mumbled.

"Come on, deep breaths," you said, and you knew immediately that he was probably rolling his eyes. "Come on" you insisted patiently, massaging just the right spot on the back of his shoulders as he let out a low moan, letting his head rest forward.

"See, isn't it better?" you said enthusiastically.

"Stop talking" he grunted, which you did, continuing to massage him in silence.

It took you by surprise when you felt his thumb lightly caress your right ankle, it was a timid touch, and you felt afraid he would stop if you moved, even though that leg felt a bit numb already.

You could feel his body melt under your touch bit by bit, letting more of his weight rest on you. He forgot about his headache, only focused on the delicious slumber that took over his body now.

"You're gonna have to do this every day now" he muttered, eyes closed.

"I'll gladly do it" you assured him, treasuring the way he seemed so relaxed now. You had to fight the urge to put a kiss on his neck with all your might.

That night he held you like a pillow, resting his head on your stomach. You slowly pulled his mask up, waiting to see if there'd be any resistance, but there wasn't.

He shivered when you then touched his hair. It felt soft. You scratched his head gently with your nails and he savoured the foreign feeling that it caused.

"You little demon" he whispered, surrendering completely to your touch.

Ghost knew what love was supposed to look like. He just wasn't that sure about how it felt to receive it anymore. The more he thought about it, the more he was under the impression that he lacked the vocabulary to express it.

Once, when working in complete silence next to him, filling and writing reports, you asked:

"Can you take a look at this, sir?" you held the paper in front of him.

"You know you can call me Simon" he said, eyes still fixed on his papers.

"I didn't actually." you said and he looked at you, you could notice a quick smile appear on his eyes.

"Ok, now you know."

You smiled and he moved his gaze back to the papers in front of him.

"Can you take a look at this, Simon?" you repeated, and this time he looked up and happily took the paper from your hand.

Simon had never really tried anything besides actual sleep with you, and you were terrified of initiating it yourself and getting rejected. But sometimes you could feel the imminence of something, nothing clear or distinct, just the way the silence of the room felt different, a change in the pace of his breathing or a slight shift in the atmosphere. On these moments you'd feel like he could turn you over and fuck you at any second. It fed the anticipation in your chest, but it never happened.

You wondered, at times, if you were somehow able to read his thoughts in cryptic ways and that's how you'd know he was thinking about fucking you.

"What are you thinking about?" you asked in a whisper one of these nights.

"Why do you care?" his response was immediate, defensive. Your fantasies definitely weren't supported by his lack of attention to your romantic attempts.

"Just wondering" you shrugged. "Are you not going to tell me?"

He looked at you, and even in the dark you could tell he was smiling "No".

You prayed that he would kiss you, just a little bit would be enough. But, of course, he didn't.

"I was thinking about you, in case you were wondering," you said casually a few moments later, gazing at his face. You were getting sloppier with hiding your feelings for him, he couldn't possibly not see it.

He chuckled quietly at your response, "Stop flirting with me" he said and you felt your cheeks turn red, "you should get some sleep" he suggested then, shutting off the conversation. And, as if he intended to get you a bit more confused, he lightly caressed your hair.

Sometimes you'd wish he'd just reject you once and for all so you could move on. But the more you thought about your love the more you wanted to cultivate it and share it with him, the same way you felt you could share with Johnny. And if Simon didn't want it, so be it. It felt like, and it was, a big act of bravery on your part. At least you'd be able to comfort yourself on the fact that you loved, it grew and flourished inside you, and it was a beautiful thing.

It got to the point where one of them was occupying your bed almost every day of the week, people were starting to catch on to it. You knew the day would come when they'd both show up and the thought alone made you nauseous, at least until it actually happened.

You held your breath when you heard Johnny's steps approaching your door, even before he knocked on it.

"Come in" Simon said before you could even react.

Johnny tilted his head for a second, looking amused at the scene of his lieutenant cuddling you. He closed the door behind him and took off his slippers, then he approached your bed to lay down beside you.

You held your breath when you saw Johnny rest his neck on Simon's extended arm so nonchalantly. Simon didn't move his arm. You couldn't exactly name what is it that you feared at that moment, the next few moments of silence translated into nervousness within you. Johnny took your arm and casually put your hand on his chest.

"So," he said, looking at Simon playfully "Are you trying to steal her from me?"

Simon chuckled "Didn't know she was yours to steal".

The tension you felt was not shared between them.

"You could've come to sleep with me, lieutenant," Johnny said, he sounded almost offended that Simon would have preferred to sleep with you.

"Back at you, Johnny" he murmured, closing his eyes, making Johnny smile from ear to ear.

You knew your bed surely wasn't made for three, but you managed to make it comfortable. You woke up lying on top of Johnny like a baby, your chest to his, while Simon laid on his side with one arm thrown around you.

That night, Johnny could almost feel his heart flutter and twirl inside his chest. It was perfect. He had so much love to give, he couldn't wait to share it. To him, Love was generous and ever-giving, it was infinite, it overpowered him and he gladly let it.

To Simon, on the other hand, Love was a terrifying force he feared would take over him completely if he let it. He feared it could destroy him, or, even worse, he would destroy it. But, at moments like this one, he couldn't help but let love overflow in his heart, couldn't resist the warmth both of you shared from entering his own body.

Throughout the whole following day, you felt a sweet anticipation for something in your stomach, being only able to think about how nice it had felt to be surrounded by both of them. How you wished you could stay in that state forever, unmoved.

At night, Johnny curled up in bed with you, resting his head on your chest after a tiring day. He seemed almost disappointed to find you alone when he came in, he smiled while he kissed you nonetheless.

He inundated you with questions that gradually turned into whines: did you sleep with him? what do you mean you don't even kiss? what are you doing? don't you find him attractive? why don't you just ask him? do you think we should go after him? why not? let's knock on his door! why not?!

You were able to dissuade him from these impulsive thoughts eventually, stroking your fingers through his hair and recommending that he do the same as you and try to stop thinking about it. It was for the best, you assured him, trying to convince yourself of it, too. He yielded at last, but he wasn't pleased.

"Do you even want me?" he asked with a sigh

"Of course I do." you replied, almost offended at the question "You know I do."

"Doesn't feel like it sometimes" he muttered.

You took a deep breath before taking him through your typical monologue, practically memorized at this point, on your reasons for keeping things as they were - no sex - would be better. The more you talked, the less you found yourself believing in your own words. Still, you tried to make him care for the utter shape of your relationship as it was, in an eternal transient state of a romantic friendship that never lost itself. "That sounds terrible, bonnie" he said, but you insisted he just didn't understand.

"I'm sensitive, Johnny." you tried to explain yourself "I can't stand the thought of ruining what we have."

"Seems like you can't stand the thought of improving them" he sighed.

You knew he had been sleeping with other people, and the thought soothed you more than anything. He never lied to you about it when you asked, and it was comforting to see his heart still belonged to you. You tried to imagine yourself as something separate entirely.

He traced his fingers down to your waist, then hips, and back to your shoulders, letting his hand linger on your breast.

"Don't you want it, baby? Not even a little bit?"

"I do, Johnny" you admitted, not immune to the desire that kept itself alive inside you.

"Haven't you been dreaming about it...?" he continued, his voice lower than before as his fingers played with your hair "Huh? You, me and Simon?"

Your eyes widened at his words, even though you had, in fact, been thinking about it constantly ever since the first night that Simon slept with you.

"That would be a mess" you murmured, telling him what you kept telling yourself.

Johnny chuckled, "a hot, delicious fucking mess?" he suggested.

"Just a regular mess" you lied.

"Just think about it, alright?" he eventually said, resting his head back on your chest.

"Okay." you promised before turning off the light on your nightstand..

"I love you, baby. Truly." he whispered in the dark "There's nothing for you to be afraid of."

"I love you too, Johnny"

Part of you knew it was a silly decision to insist on depriving yourself of pleasure, things were already messy enough. There was no saving any naivety of a friendship that hadn't been merely a friendship from the start, and refusing to admit that you did, in fact, have physical desires toward them was, perhaps, just making things worse. You made a mental note to search for a therapist when you got back home, perhaps dig into whatever religious guilt you seemed to have inherited to drive your decisions.

Nevertheless, you were able to remain firm in your decision. At least until two days later, when everyone went out for drinks at night after a long day.

The sky was dark grey when you left the base to go to the bar. The space was crowded, but comfortable. You knew almost everyone there and quickly settled with some friends.

After one and a half beers Johnny was already getting touchy with you by the counter.

"Have you thought about what I said?"

You nodded and he got closer to you, hands on your waist, "And will you let me make love to you?" he asked softly in your ear.

"Maybe I will" you confessed, already feeling a bit tipsy.

"Come on, bonnie" he insisted, hands on your waist "You know I've been dying to fuck you."

You felt as if your legs would melt right then and there. And, even with your back turned to him, you felt Simon's oppressive stare on you. You turned to find him across the bar.

You both looked at him, sitting at the table next to Price, who seemed to be talking to him, even though his attention laid somewhere else. His hair was covered by a black hoodie, but he didn't cover his face. He grinned at you playfully, taking a sip of the cold beer in his hand.

Johnny followed your gaze and smirked at Simon, then looked back at you with a devilish smile. "I'm gonna get Ghost to come with me" he said and you froze in place.

"I don't think that's a good idea," you plead, already feeling the palms of your hands sweat. What is it exactly that you feared? You didn't really know. It felt childish to be this scared of your own desires.

"I think he's into it" Johnny said, winking at you.

"I don't think so." you grew a bit nervous "I don't think he wants me like that"

Johnny just chuckled in response. "Sure" he said sarcastically. "I can't believe you think that's possible, baby".

You looked around the room nervously, the idea made your stomach turn.

"Tell me you don't want it." he said, suddenly looking at you with a serious expression "Just tell me you don't want it and I won't say anything to him. I'll drop it."

But you couldn't say anything, which made him smile before taking another sip of his beer. Johnny pecked a kiss on your cheek, before leaving you to sit at the table beside Simon.

Although you couldn't pinpoint what exactly caused you so much anxiety, you did notice that it mixed into a twisted excitement.

You watched as they interacted with each other, leaning closer to talk, smiling, and laughing lightly. They looked so pretty you couldn't believe such a dreamy scenario would become a reality to you. Johnny touched Simon's arm and whispered something to him, he grinned and looked at you.

You tried to pretend you hadn't been staring at him the whole time, suddenly feeling a lot of interest in the bottle in your hand and then the conversation that took place between the colleagues beside you.

You tried to distract yourself the rest of the night, interacting with other people and trying your best to focus on different subjects, other people's lives and problems, it was very hard considering that yours seemed to be about to become so much more exciting than anything your friends had been up to.

Johnny didn't seem to want to leave Simon's side anymore, they were engaged in conversation with Price and Gaz at the table on the corner of the bar for what felt like hours to you.

It was pouring rain outside by the time you gave yourself a little tipsy pep talk in the dirty restroom mirror. You told yourself you looked attractive enough, beautiful even. Nothing to worry about.

When you came back, you were so immersed in your own thoughts that you didn't even notice when Simon sat on the barstool beside you.

"What are you thinking about?" you heard his low voice behind you.

You turned around to look at him, feeling blood rush to your cheeks "Didn't see you there"

"Are you not going to tell me?" he repeated your words from the other night with a playful smirk, to which you frowned. He leaned a little closer to you to whisper in a high-pitched voice "I'm thinking about you".

"I don't sound like that"

"Yes, you do" he chuckled.

You took a deep breath before answering, echoing his own words back to him: "Well, you should stop flirting with me"

"I don't think you want me to stop" he grinned, and you wished you knew exactly what Johnny had said to him. "Do you?"

"No," you said frankly "no, I don't."

It was almost 2am when Johnny pointed his head to the door, signaling it was time to leave. Simon was already outside, and you were already soaking wet even before you left the covered environment of the bar.

You thought your heart was trying to jump out of your chest when Simon opened his bedroom door later that night, and felt both of the men you loved follow you inside.

You closed your eyes when you felt both of Simon's hands hold you by the shoulders from behind, as he got closer to you "are you OK, love?" he asked against your neck, the softest you've heard him speak, with the remains of alcohol on his breath. He placed a kiss on your shoulder and you rested your head against his chest.

You nodded, your body burning in anticipation. "Will you guys stop if I don't feel well?" you asked, your voice was almost a whisper.

The anxiety about the implications and consequences of this was already set on your chest. Now there was nothing else to do, no escaping the disturbance this would cause to your life. At this point, stopping would be much worse. Your desires had already manifested, they had been spoken, and transformed, there was nothing left to do but give in to it.

The violent rumbles of lightning bolts shook the sky outside, and sudden flashes of light illuminated the room at an unpredictable frequency. Your eyes had adjusted to the dim light of the room, and the darkness felt comforting, providing an atmosphere of otherworldliness to the room, you could almost imagine this scene took place in a different reality and try not to worry about it.

"Of course" Johnny answered and Simon nodded with his face on your neck.

Johnny kissed you first while Simon held you, his familiar lips searching urgently for you in the dark. You had one hand on his neck, while the other held tight to Simon's, afraid to lose his touch. Johnny looked at him with a smile before grabbing you by the waist and turning you around so that you faced Simon.

"What do you want me to do to you?" Simon asked, looking deep into your eyes, his tone was soft, the question genuine.

“Will you please kiss me?” you cried.

He took your hands in his and kissed them, the small sounds of his kisses covering your fingers and wrists. Then, finally, he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. You felt your heart could explode at any second. You cupped his face with both hands and caressed his skin.

The kiss was soft at first, almost hesitant. His tongue was warm and smooth on yours and he tasted like beer and cigarettes.

You heard when Johnny unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants behind you, grabbing and pulling your hips so you could feel the volume in his underwear, you moaned into Simon's mouth.

Johnny left wet kisses on your neck, making you shiver as he pulled up your t-shirt. Simon cupped your breasts in his hands as soon as he saw them, quickly struggling to free them from your bra, peppering kisses on your chest and nipples.

Simon kneeled in front of you and pulled your pants down, helping you remove your shoes along with them, then smiling at you before kissing over your panties.

You rested your head on Johnny's chest and trusted that his strong grip on your waist would be enough to keep you in place because you barely made any effort to stand anymore.

You hummed when Simon's tongue first touched you, drawing small circles around your clit. Johnny groaned in your ear, pressing his hips against yours, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this horny in his life. His hands danced around your body until, feeling very bold from the alcohol, he moved one of his hands down to stroke Simon's hair.

"tastes so good, doesn't she?' he asked, to which Simon nodded, burying his face deeper between your thighs.

Your mind seemed to finally quiet, you wouldn't be able to form a coherent thought if you tried now. You could feel Simon's desire to devour you.

He slipped a finger inside you, moaning back when you did. He moved his lips back to your clit, sucking it with just enough intensity to make your legs tremble. And, as if he knew, just as you were about to come undone on his touch, Simon stopped, standing up again to kiss you, you whined in protest against his lips, but it was useless.

They exchanged glances and Johnny wet his own lips.

"Let me see you ride him, love" Simon whispered in your ear, eyes fixed to his. And you obeyed.

Johnny quickly removed the rest of his own clothes and lead you to Simon's bed by your hand.

He laid down, but you stood there looking at his body for a moment. He looked so beautiful lying naked in front of you, the low light that came from the window was only enough to highlight the contrast of his features. You couldn't believe you had actually been this stupid to deny yourself from him for so long. You bit your own lip at the sight, his eyes brightened with passion. "Go on" Simon encouraged behind you.

You spread kisses to his chest before sitting on him. You tried to do it slowly, making him roll his eyes back, getting used to the size of it little by little. You both gasped with pleasure when you finally took him in completely.

“You’re so tight, baby” he groaned when you started to move.

You could hear Simon ditching his own clothes somewhere behind you. Then you felt him behind you, one of his big hands gently holding your waist. Simon used his other hand to put one finger in your mouth and you sucked on it, making Johnny audibly moan under you.

You froze immediately when you felt his naked body touch yours, his hardened cock poked the skin of your lower back.

"Relax, I won't do anything you don't want" he assured you in a low voice against your neck. You received wet kisses on your back and shoulders.

Johnny moaned, his fingers tracing your thighs "Feels so good like that" he purred, and you nodded in agreement. He grabbed your hips but Simon quickly slapped his hands away.

Johnny blinked, confused, but then smirked when Simon started to guide your movements by the hips, slowly and gradually changing the speed to fit what you seemed to respond better to. He guided your body on Johnny in a way that made his cock touch you precisely in the right places. You barely had to do any work, so you rested your head on Simon's chest, only opening your eyes to watch Johnny's face under you.

Johnny rubbed his thumb softly on your clit, making very small movements around it. You moved accordingly, enjoying the way the pressure created a response deep within your stomach. You panted on top of him, exhausted but eager to continue, your body guiding you toward release.

The obscene sounds you made were thankfully muffled by the heavy rain outside. You felt your orgasm reach you with the growing rumbles in the sky, which eventually resulted in a violent lightning, not that far from the window. You let your body rest on Simon's chest after the wave of pleasure washed over you.

"You did so good, bonnie" Johnny sat up to kiss your face, and laid back down.

Simon pulled your hips back gently, indicating you should stand on your knees. Intuitively, you positioned yourself so that you could put your lips around Johnny's cock. He closed your eyes when you did.

"Look at her, Johnny" Simon ordered.

He held your hips firmly in place, then pressed into you slowly, savoring how the wet heat between your legs welcomed him.

Johnny had his head resting on one of his arms, his free hand lazily stroking your face as he watched you struggle to fit him in your mouth. He tried his best to be obedient and focus only on you, but his eyes kept looking up curiously, dying to watch Simon's face as he fucked you.

"God, you feel so fucking good" he whimpered before he started moving his hips, filling you completely with every thrust. You could feel his length messing up your insides and you were grateful to have Johnny's cock keeping you silent.

Simon traced his fingers down your spine, around your waist, then back to your neck. He gently stroked your head and grabbed your hair. You thought he'd pull it, but Simon just pressed the back of your head deeper on Johnny's cock, pulling you back when you gagged, then repeating the same movement again and again. Johnny closed his eyes in an effort not to come so soon from the view alone.

You gave up on your own body for a moment, forgot it was yours to control in the first place, letting it be taken by all their movements like one gets taken by the current at sea.

"'m gonna cum if you keep this up" Johnny announced in a low voice, and you weren't sure if he was talking to you or Simon, but the latter let go of his grip on your hair, unsure of what you wanted to do with that information. You kept going on your own now, until you felt Johnny pulse inside your mouth.

He let out a soft moan as he watched you swallow it. His body finally relaxed on the bed and you felt his fingers search your head and caress your hair.

Simon's movements became slower, almost nonexistent, and you anxiously moved your hips against him to alleviate the desire in your core.

"Don't stop" you begged in a small voice, resting your head on Johnny's thigh, but he did stop. Simon gently pulled your hips back and switched your body so that you were facing him.

"Lay down" he instructed, "I wanna see you".

Johnny's arms guided you to lay on top of him, your back to his chest. He kissed and caressed your head lazily while Simon spread your legs, sinking into you with a grunt.

You moaned loudly when you felt him entirely inside you again.

“Shh!” both of them reprehended you, and Johnny quickly covered your mouth with his hand.

"You wanted him to fuck you like this, huh?" he asked close to your ear and you nodded, unable to speak anything other than little moans that were muffled by his palm. Simon looked at you directly in the eyes, his face subtly contorting in pleasure with every little sound you made.

He pushed into you slowly, delighting himself in the warmth of having you wrapped around him. He tried to memorize the feeling of having your skin against his so he could dwell on it later.

Johnny uncovered your mouth to kiss you, moving his hand to hold you at your waist. The familiar feel of his tongue was both comforting and exciting, your lips searched for his with noticeable hunger. You didn't think you could possibly get more aroused at this point.

You rested your head on Johnny's shoulder, closing your eyes and feeling your body relax now that you've gotten more used to Simon's size inside you.

"Eyes open, love" Simon demanded, and you obeyed.

He kept his gaze on your eyes until he couldn't resist moving on to Johnny's anymore. They looked at each other for what felt like too long, Simon's thrusts into you got more intense, and it made you wonder if you were simply the vessel through which they fucked each other at that instant.

Johnny, who had his hands wandering around your body, now moved them from your breasts to caress Simon's chest on top of you, at first in shy quasi-accidental strokes, and then shamelessly grabbing at his waist, scratching nails on his back once he got a positive reaction.

He pressed his hand against the lower part of your stomach, right where you could feel Simon's cock attempting to tear you open with every thrust, you moaned into Simon's mouth as you felt Johnny getting hard under your body again. Your arousal was dripping down his crotch, his chest already wet from your sweat.

"Hm you're taking him so well, baby" Johnny whispered in your ear and you watched as Simon's eyes darkened at the sound of the words.

You’d lost track of time and sense of space completely. It was so unbelievably indulgent it almost felt wrong, as if you couldn't possibly be allowed to experience this much pleasure all at once in life.

You felt you’d reached some new sense of consciousness in which you did not belong to your body anymore, you've transcended into something else, something in complete harmony with them and their own bodies around you. You were certain for a moment that, if you tried or wanted to, you'd be able to read their minds and communicate without words.

The utter feeling of Love just invaded you in the form of radiating happiness, an epiphany planted in your heart, as if you had been stung by Eros himself and you felt yourself capable of reaching an orgasm without your body. All of a sudden the whole universe seemed to become clear and there were no questions you couldn't answer if you wanted, any doubt you had was gone, and any anxiety dissipated. You almost felt like laughing, relishing - for what was probably the first time - in the wonder of cloudless thoughts.

Simon dropped the support of his hands to his forearms, getting impossibly closer and resting his torso on top of you, the cold and metallic touch of his dog tags against your chest sent a shiver down your spine. Johnny’s hands moved from his waist to your hips, grinding you on top of his hardened cock in search of some relief, which was positioned between your ass cheeks.

You drunkenly intercalated kisses between the two of them, feeling absolutely in control until Simon locked your neck in place with his hand, choking you a little before placing a soft kiss on your lips. “Open” he demanded and you did.

He spit saliva into your mouth and, before you could swallow it, Johnny urgently pulled your face to kiss you, desperately licking your tongue.

"Fuck, Johnny" Simon grunted, digging even deeper into you, attempting to get even closer, making your toes curl. He leaned over and kissed Johnny, and you felt him instantly melt under you. His hands left your body to cup Simon's face.

They moaned into their kisses. You almost felt inadequate being there, as if you weren't supposed to witness that much intimacy, but the thought quickly died down when Simon's lips found yours again, leaving Johnny breathless, and he sealed you back into their little universe.

Your back arched when Johnny moved his fingers to your clit again, you barely needed any stimulation at this point, your legs were tense locked around Simon's hips.

"Come on, baby" Johnny purred in your ear "Let me see you cum all over his cock".

Almost as if on command, you did. The high building up in your lower stomach finally reached its breaking point and crashed into your body in waves of ecstasy. Simon moaned as he felt your entire body pulse and relax under him, he jerked faster into you and then quickly pulled out.

Johnny moved you away from him so that your back rested on the mattress with both of them towering over you, stroking themselves. Simon's eyes rolled back as he came on top of you, a heavy moan leaving his throat as he covered you with the warm gooey liquid that dripped from him.

The sheer sight of it, along with your little moans, was almost enough to get Johnny off immediately, and it only took a few strokes to make him cum again.

You watched them as Simon gently cleaned a bit of his own semen off of Johnny's abdomen with his thumb. He brought the finger close to his face in an offer, and Johnny obediently opened his mouth and sucked it off, receiving a pat on his head and a satisfied smile from his superior afterward.

You laid there exhausted while they cleaned you with tissues, getting little gentle kisses on your skin every once in a while. Simon turned you around on the bed and wiped a soft tissue on your face, removing the remains of mascara you had under your eyes.

It took you a few minutes to eventually get up and use the bathroom, Simon had one all to himself, which meant you didn't have to put your clothes back on.

When you came back, they were both still naked on the bed. Johnny was already asleep, a permanent smile stamped on his face, being only partially covered by the sheets.

"Come here" Simon whispered to you, and you gently climbed over Johnny's body to rest in the space between them.

Johnny sleepily arranged his arms around you, one over your waist and the other under the crease of your neck, his fingers reaching to caress Simon's hair.

Simon kissed your forehead. "This feels nice" he murmured, almost too quietly for you to hear. You looked up to kiss his lips again and rested your head on the pillow, wishing you wouldn't have to get up the next morning.

(now that this is out of my system I can finally move on with my life).

[imwall-e]

W&TWS || Doubts

Summary : He is a super-soldier of more than 100 year old, struggling to find a place in this new world. She is a young student of 23, struggling with life. But they know they can find comfort and help in each other.

Pairing : Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings : a bit of angst and anxiety, also fluff and always Bucky being the best

A/N : I am back to writing this fanfiction. It is more a journal to me, but it feels good to write like that and to share the story of Bucky and Willow. I hope you love it !

Series Masterlist

May 10th 2021

The exams had started the week of her birthday. Willow had barely revised, but was still doing her best to answer the questions and write good essays. She had a feeling, however, that it wouldn't be enough, but she was at peace with that. After all, this degree no longer suited her. All she had to do was make a decision: try her luck at the catch-up exams (because yes, she would definitely have to go), or give up altogether.

Strangely enough, her reflections led her to William. They had only been dating a few months, and she had taken just as long to get over what he had done to her. The wound still hadn't completely healed. A new question came to mind: was it a good idea to start a relationship with Bucky?

True, they had only exchanged a kiss, but perhaps everything was still moving too fast? Perhaps she needed to take her time? She wrote down all her anxieties on the paper she'd used for drafts, and promised herself she'd tell Bucky about them the next time they called.

He had gone back to New York a few weeks earlier, and it was difficult for them to communicate. She knew that a long-distance relationship wouldn't work in the long term. Especially in two different time zones.

She didn't want to get too attached like in her previous relationships. But Bucky seemed so kind. So thoughtful. However, bad times in the past forced her to be wary of many things, and many people. Even Bucky.

The teacher supervising the exam indicated that there was still an hour to go before the end of the exam. She glanced at her paper: barely four pages... She sighed, gathered her things, handed in her paper and went home.

The journey seemed long. Longer than usual. When she arrived, she was greeted only by her dog Dino. Her mother must still be at work. She took the opportunity to relax a little: take Dino for a walk, have something to eat, continue reading a book. Around 6pm, she took a shower and fell asleep a few minutes after getting into bed.

May 11th 2021

When she woke up, it was past midnight. The house was quiet. Her bedroom door was closed, probably by her mother who had preferred to let her sleep in. She reached for her phone and was blinded for several seconds by the brightness.

A few notifications from her group of friends told her that she wasn't the only one who had failed the exam. Dysariel's plan was holding up, which surprised none of them, after all he always got the best marks.

However, it was two other notifications that caught his attention. They were from Bucky:

Bucky Bear At 10.30pm: Hello Sunflower, I hope your day went well and that you managed to pass your mid-term. Give me your availability for tomorrow, I want to call you for your birthday. At 00:00: If my clock in New York is telling the right time for you, it's time for me to wish you a very happy birthday, my Sunflower. I haven't heard from you, so I assume you've fallen asleep. Thinking of you. PS: I also have a surprise for you that should arrive later today.   Sunflower At 00:15: Thank you, Bucky Bear! I'll be available from midday. I don't have any exams in the afternoon. Do I get a hint about my surprise? I'm thinking of you too. Bucky Bear  At 12:16am: Sorry, but if I tell you, it won't be a surprise! I've got to go to one last meeting. Go back to sleep, you need your rest. I can't wait to see you again.

His messages made her smile. He hadn't forgotten her birthday. He was going to surprise her. She had to concentrate on the positives. She wished she could go back to sleep now, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. So she grabbed her computer, plugged in her headphones and started watching videos. 

She was woken up by her seven o'clock alarm, just two hours after going back to sleep. She nearly fell asleep on the train journey to university. 

This morning she had an English grammar exam from nine to noon. However, she already knew that she would get out early because it was the subject she had mastered the most. Two or three exercises were more complicated and she could guess that she wouldn't get all the points. The most important thing was that she would at least pass the subject.

Zephyr, Dysariel, Axel and Ophélia went out more or less at the same time as her. They stayed another hour to eat together at one of the local fast-food restaurants. They talked about everything and anything. And Bucky.

"So," asked Dysariel, "how are things going with your handsome soldier?"

"Fine," replied Willow, blushing. I'm just a bit scared..."

"Of what?"

"That it's going too fast. Besides, the age difference is great, I mean he's over a century old."

They laughed together and all advised her the same thing: they were sure that what was between her and Bucky was special, but she had to take her time and think about her well-being.

Then came the time to go home. Zephyr went first, his parents being stricter about his going-out times. Then it was Ophélia's turn, as she had almost two hours by train to get home. Dysariel had things to do and wanted to revise for the hardest exam on Thursday: US history. Axel and Willow were the last to leave.

They had barely taken a few steps out of the main building when Axel remarked to Willow, "Look who's here." Indeed, Bucky was coming towards them, in a superb black suit. "I've got a train to catch and I think you deserve some time with him. Happy birthday again and see you on Thursday!" Before Willow could reply, Axel had already crossed the pedestrian crossing. When she turned her head towards Bucky, he was standing next to her, a bouquet of sunflowers in his hands.

"Happy birthday, Willow. I hope you don't mind that I came unannounced, I definitely wanted to surprise you." He looked tired but happy to see her again. As for her, she couldn't say a word because she was so surprised. She could only throw herself into his arms.

He held her close. Her long blonde hair smelt of monoi, the scent they both associated with summer. Bucky could already see himself taking her on holiday to the beach, or to New York to meet the people he considered to be his family.

Together they got into the car. "I was thinking we could go for lunch somewhere?" Bucky suggested.

"We've already eaten with the others. Maybe tonight?"

"Yes, of course. Say, I've booked a hotel room for the week, at the park where we spent our first date. We can also spend the day there tomorrow. Are you interested?

"Why not."

Bucky noticed that Willow didn't seem as cheerful as usual. He gently stopped the car at the side of the road, and turned to her, "Is everything all right?" Worry showed on his face and Willow couldn't help crying. There was the stress of the exams, the happiness of seeing Bucky again, the fears that were interfering with her thoughts.

So she told him about all the doubts she had about their relationship. She apologised several times. Bucky took her face in his hands: "Willow, look at me. It's all right, I'm not angry with you. Unless you never want to see me again, we'll take our time. We'll go at your pace. I promise you that. Now, I just want to know if we spend the afternoon and tomorrow together, or if I drop you off at your place?"

"I think I'm scared because of what happened with my old boyfriends."

"Willow, you don't have to tell me about it. Only do it if you want to or if you're ready."

"I am."

"Then we'll talk about it, but let me take you out for dessert. I know when you get really anxious and it calms down, you get hungry right after."

The fact that he remembered little details like this warmed her heart, and a big smile lit up her face. Bucky started the car again, one hand resting on Willow's thigh. Willow put her hand on his. She was already feeling a little lighter.

I hope you love this chapter, I'm writing the next one ! Do not hesitate to like, comment and reblog if you feel comfortable to do so !

[stxrvel]

one of those days

summary: Bucky tries to comfort you after a hard day, but something goes wrong.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +2k

warnings: mentions of death, descriptions of blood and panic attacks, no happy ending.

note: hello guys!!! im really happy i got to finished this today bc it's been in my drafts for days and i didn't know how to approach it, but i think i did it how i wanted. please let me know what you think!! i love reading all of your comments <3. thank u for reading and i hope you all enjoy it!!

You couldn't remember the last time you'd left your room. Maybe it had been days or maybe months, time no longer reigned in your world as logically as before. The gray clouds had not disappeared, they still hung in the sky as if time had stopped on that fateful day, as if you were repeating it and every day you were waiting for someone to come from behind to tell you that something terrible had happened.

As you no longer differentiated one day from the other, it was very difficult to continue trying to lead a normal life. The people around you were moving as usual, happy and sharing together, but you couldn't remember the last time you had felt joy in your life. The pain had become a constant and there were some days when you couldn't even remember why.

That was one of those days, lying on a beach chair on the rooftop of the building where you lived. Sometimes you couldn't remember why you didn't sleep at the Complex anymore. That was one of those days.

“Y/N?”

You didn't move from the chair, but for the first time in days you allowed yourself to crack a smile.

“Bucky.”

“What are you doing here? It looks like it's going to rain.”

“It's quieter up here.”

Bucky moved to sit on the chair next to you, his body facing yours, but you didn't dare look at him, like every time he came. You were afraid to see him, afraid that he might see how you really felt if he looked into your eyes, that he might see what you really thought when he wasn't around.

“How was the mission?”

“As usual,” he replied a few seconds later, weighing whether or not to humor you. “Smooth and quick. Steve sends his regards.”

“He should come over instead of doing that,” you suggested with a forced half-smile, your cheeks falling into place too quickly because they weren't used to do that anymore.

“He should, but you know he has to do all the mission reports. It's so boring.”

Your lips curled up, with a lot of memories of the grimaces on Bucky's face when he had to take care of those reports.

“Must have been the best day of your life when Fury took that task off your hands.”

“No,” Bucky reneged almost instantly and his body shifted to be a little closer, so much so that you could see him through your peripheral vision, but you still didn't want to see him, “the best day of my life was when I met you.”

“Bucky…” you grumbled, half embarrassed. Looking up at the sky, you could still feel your neck and cheeks heat up from shame.

“What, how long have we been together already and you still feel embarrassed when I say those things?”

You could barely let out a laugh, the weight on your heart becoming a little lighter.

“You can tell I don't do it that often. I've got to change that.”

“Don't start, Bucky.”

The man next to you let out a laugh, his figure briefly disappearing from your field of vision and you quickly felt your heart rise up into your throat until he spoke again.

“How are you, honey?”

You let the air out of your lungs in a heavy exhale. You could have felt a little calmer knowing he was still there, but you knew the direction the conversation was going to take and it kept your shoulders tense. As much as you wanted to relax around him, whenever he touched on that subject you didn't end up very well. Some days you couldn't remember why.

“I'm fine, Buck.”

“You sure?”

“Very sure.”

“And why have you been eating so badly?”

You frowned. “I haven't been-”

“You eat twice a day and most of the time you just order take-out.”

Your hands clenched the armrests of the chair. Sooner than ever, like every time, you felt the air suffocate you. With your chest compressed, you felt breathing in was getting harder and harder. You didn't want to bring up that subject again, not because of how it had ended last time. You wanted to keep talking about trivial things, you wanted him to keep making jokes, to keep making you blush. You wanted him to…

“I'm fine, Bucky. And if you can't believe that, at least believe that I'll try to be.”

“I trust you, doll. It's just that lately you haven't been taking care of yourself like you promised me.”

“I've been trying…” with forced breathing you felt like you could barely speak, and with that lump in your throat things weren't any easier. You hated getting to that point because you succumbed so fast. “I swear. Just… just… can you go back to talking about other things?”

You heard him sigh and with your hand on your heart you almost prayed that he would drop the subject for peace, for your own peace.

“You know Natasha's been calling you these days, right?”

You dropped your shoulders, mildly relieved that he decided to heed you.

“Yeah, it's just… I don't want to talk to her. I don't really want to talk to anyone.”

“Why?”

You frowned at the sky, the gray clouds taking on a darker color from the mountains. You felt like your head had broken into gaps, into fragments you couldn't put together no matter how hard you tried.

“I don't know. I don't think I remember.”

“So is it worth it for you to be mad at them and not talk to them for something you don't remember?”

“It must be something really bad, Bucky. I feel a tightness in my chest when I think about them.”

“Mmm, okay. 'S okay, doll.”

You felt the coldness of your blood evaporate and give way to warmth as his hand passed over your arm. To feel his touch, skin against skin, so real, so simple yet so maddening. You felt like you hadn't seen or touched him in months, when the mission was only a few days old. His fingers moved in lines over your skin, so soft and so loving that you sensed the urge to cry burning behind your eyes.

“How are you?”

For some reason, asking him that question almost made you burst into tears.

“When are you going to move in with me? You know I'm tired of asking you.”

Bucky was silent for a few seconds, the brush over your arm becoming a little slower and sloppier.

“Soon, honey.”

“You always say that.”

“It's an answer after all, isn't it?”

“But it's not enough. I want you to come. I want to sleep with you. I want to spend my days with you because I don't know… I don't know what I would do without you.”

Your voice broke as you finished speaking and the tears you were trying to hold back were about to overflow from your eyes. The dark sky, threatening terrible weather, was now just a bunch of blobs. A storm looked insignificant compared to the possibility of not being able to have a future together with the man you loved, together with the love of your life.

His hand tightened around your forearm and you heard him sigh.

“I'll come soon, Y/N, I promise. And we'll live together, and we'll do all those things you've always told me about.”

“You remember them?”

“Of course!” he sounded almost offended by the question. “We have to do a picnic on this rooftop. We also have to bake a pizza at midnight. We have to adopt two puppies. And a cat…”

“You have to propose to me on this rooftop after a big romantic dinner,” you interrupted him, with a goofy lovelorn grin despite the wetness that surrounded your cheeks.

“I already did that, doll.”

“Oh, you did?”

“Don't you remember?”

Bucky's hand moved over your arm forward, his fingers brushing your skin almost superficially sending shivers throughout your body. He stopped when he had his hand between yours, which he lifted to show you a silver band that shimmered despite the cloudy weather.

“You haven't even taken off your ring.”

“And why would I take it off?” you frowned, looking intently at the ring that adorned your finger. Surprisingly you began to remember, or perhaps imagine, a grand wedding and the way that same hand that held yours had placed that ring on you as an eternal promise in front of all your friends and family.

You remembered your smile and the euphoric feeling you felt after kissing him, when he lifted you up in the air with a smile he was trying to hold back just so he could keep kissing you.

It had been a long time since you kissed him. You had almost forgotten what his lips felt like.

“So, we're married.”

“Yes, doll, and we were very happy.”

“We were?”

“You made me happy every day of my life, honey, I don't want you to ever forget that.”

“Bucky…?”

“And I don't want you to feel guilty anymore, Y/N. What happened wasn't your fault.”

“Bucky, why are you talking like that? What do you mean-?”

You moved, mistakenly, to where your husband stood and panic swirled in your chest.

You screamed when you saw him.

You turned your head as fast as you could, but it was done. The damage was done. And the memories started coming to you so fast that you couldn't stop screaming, coupled with the whimpering that invaded your body because the pain was too strong. Seeing him like this, remembering what had happened was too much.

“No! No!” you screamed when you felt his hands around you again.

His face was bloodied, just as you had last seen him. That was your last memory of him, when he was on that gurney in an empty room in the Complex, with nothing around him but some medical machines they were taking apart with which they tried to save his life. There you had seen him for the last time, after he took his last breath, after he took your life with him.

Everything after that is always a blur.

Very few days could you remember what had happened after that. In fact, there were very few days when you remembered that your husband had died. That was one of those days.

And you remembered it all, and having all those feelings inside your body, mixing inside your head at the same time was too overwhelming. You brought your hands to the sides of your head with your eyes closed, tightly shut. You shook yourself to get his hands off your body, because you couldn't stand that, because he wasn't real and it was impossible that you could feel his hands touching you when he was dead, when physically he couldn't be there.

Your crying did not stop even when you were sure there was no one touching you. The sense of infinite loss and sadness continued and persisted, as if it was his goal to leave you permanently broken.

Your hands moved over your ears, it was almost an instinct. Pounding them as if so you could discover the reality, that none of it had really happened, as if so you could stop your mind from continuing to play with your emotions and senses in that way. You became a sea of sobs and howls of pain, you almost felt like someone was opening your chest to pull your heart out.

“What's happening to her?” you heard an anguished female voice.

It was Natasha.

“Come, come here.”

That was Steve.

“Please, leave the room.”

That… you didn't know who it was.

And… room?

No, no. You were on the roof of your building. How had you moved so fast?

Argh. Your head hurt terribly.

In the middle of that crying fit, you half-opened your eyes. The first thing you noticed was a green field. Then a window. Then, rain. Just like that day. That day it was raining like the sky was falling. That day even the thunder couldn't overcome the sound of your wailing. That day, you cursed the sky and whoever was listening.

When you noticed the dark walls and that you weren't really on the rooftop, the world fell into a deafening silence.

All the other memories began to come, but now you felt numb. The memories were painful, but you couldn't identify any emotion connecting them. There was nothing. The images had no sound. They kept repeating in your head, that room with a dead and bloody man, a funeral, a dark room, screams and cries… destruction… coldness... then, a big house made of stone, people in strange clothes and then… this room. For days, for weeks. There was nothing else.

“Miss L/N, are you with me?”

You turned to look at the woman. Suddenly you felt cold surround your bones.

Of everything you had remembered only one thing remained fresh.

“He's dead,” you murmured, your lower lip trembling, more tears falling, to the woman gently holding your shoulders.

“Yes, Y/N. He passed away.”

More tears fell and again your sobs filled the silence of the room.

“But you didn't. You're here.”

“I feel like that's how it was. I feel like he took my soul with him,” your voice trembled, cracked, and you were surprised that anyone could understand what you were saying. “I'm a dead person.”

“No, you're not. You are more than alive right now. You have to fight that loss because you know this is not what he would want for you. This is not the life he would want for you after him.”

“It's just that there is no life after him,” you exclaimed to the woman, your eyes narrowed with tears. You were choking on your own irregular breathing, and though you wanted to, you couldn't regulate it.

“Yes, Y/N, yes there is, and you promised us to find it when you came here. You promised him.”

The woman touched the ring that was still on your ring finger, and you remembered all the times you stayed up all night staring at it unable to sleep.

You remembered then that… that creation in your head, that felt so real.

“I trust you, doll. It's just that lately you haven't been taking care of yourself like you promised me.”

You promised him. Yes, you remembered. The day you came to that mansion. The day when that man took you in and promised to help you find a new meaning in life.

How long must it have been since then? How long have you been stuck in your head? How long have you let yourself be dominated by your dreams?

“Yes I did…”

“Yes, you did.”

You looked at the woman again, her eyes determined and full of passion. Of confidence.

You began to feel the warmth surround your bones and only then did you realize that the room was frozen. There were tiny snowflakes on that woman's reddish hair.

“Now do you feel ready to begin?”

You hesitated, because remembering it gave you as much physical pain as if you were burying a knife straight through your heart. Maybe that would hurt less.

But there where you stood, you had only two choices. And if you were honest, you could only think of the option that would make Bucky smile proudly at you.

Maybe he would.

Maybe he did when you held that woman's hand.

You didn't know, but the only thing you could hope for was that in none of the days ahead of you, would you ever go through the suffering of one of those days again.

---

a/n. thank u for reading!! i love you all, for your support, thank u so much <3.

[itsyagurlchip]

today i'm gonna post all of my recent works- I hope you guys love it! because you all deserve it.

im not gonna say i did my best on all of these, but this is the most ive made in a little over a month. (I started this around feb 27th) and im super proud of myself!

ive had this funk around my mind for a LONG time, until the people around me started to push me out of it.

and that includes you guys as well! Im so glad to have met you all, happy 80+ followers!!!

the posts after these are gonna be queued, around 3-5pm CT, and they are filled with my preferences on headcannons and oneshots, just so you can get to know me a little better.

in them you'll find some fictional characters i'd really love to be in a relationship with, loose drafts, some inclusive things ive never written before, and overall diversity compared to the things i've written before. some may have a sprinkle of my personality, others with a handful of my culture. it doesnt matter! read to your heart's content.

if the reader doesnt relate to you at all- oh well. not trying to be mean or anything- but these are my preferences. These are things that I want to see. if you want something more, please request it.

and yes I do understand the difference between cannon and head cannon (I think about it all the time!) so therefore, some things may not make sense. unless there's context ig.

speaking of- i need more reqs TT-TT (sorry for asking, ive just been getting a lil drought recently)

back to it- you may also see the occasional digital art, depending on what's gonna happen. (im currently writing this on march 1st) and i'll finish it off with some new playlists ive been brewing up for a minute!

i may also need someone to remind me to add the links to the masterlist, as well as VGL💜. If someone could do that I will be eternally grateful

and thats it!

a few things I recommend while reading:

1) I know this sounds super specific, but my works were made with canary, but they all look better in goth rave (you can change the colors when you press dashboard on the pull out menu) 2) have an open mind! while I don't know much, or haven't researched, let me know if some of the things I describe are inaccurate. (this also includes grammar and typos!) 3) have a lil snakie snack. those who don't drink water aren't welcome past this point 😡✋🏾✋🏾

i just want to show you my appreciation for you all, and what better way to do it than doing what i started this blog for?

have a wonderful day my twizzies

(yes that is what im calling you all now, cope.)

(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و tags: @kittykittyanon @radicallxser @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl @ziipzeepzop-eez @amorvincitomnia-14 @spongejuice. if you would like to be added, check my blog.

[chaos-is-beautifvl]

𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐬 - 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: in which the stupidest of stupidities is two oblivious people who think they’re not good enough for the other

fic here

✸-✸-✸

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: sadly, i couldn’t put this out on blasty boy’s birthday. i really tried but graduation is coming, which means final grades are due soon. so, i had prioritize academics over my favorite feral boy. (sorry bakugou) anyhow, here’s a little preview of morosis. i've had this sitting in my drafts for quite a while, but i decided now was a great time to finish it. hope you all enjoy this little snippet! i’m hoping to get this out in the next day or so, but it will for sure be posted this week! currently taking requests, check here for details! click here for my writing!

✸-✸-✸

The ground was slippery as you jogged to shelter, attempting to avoid falling and injuring yourself. By the time you’d returned, the rain had soaked through your clothes, and you felt an impending cold. Sniffles could be heard as you trudged to the elevators.

You clutched onto your backpack, thankful that it was waterproof unlike the rest of your body. You’d hate it if your notes were ruined.

You must have been dozing off while waiting for the elevator to open because a thunk came to your forehead. Your eyes shot open, blearily taking in Katsuki standing before you, red eyes staring in what looked like discontent. You opened your mouth to speak when he shook his head, mumbling “idiot” under his breath.

You didn’t reply, only looking at him. “Hey, dumbass, the hell are you staring at?” Your eyes widened in surprise as you quickly averted your gaze, embarrassed at him having to call you out.

“Sorry, Bakugou,” you said sheepishly. “I’m just tired.”

“And wet.”

Your mind went straight to the gutter, and you cursed yourself when the blond raised an eyebrow at your non-response response. The corner of Katsuki’s mouth twitched slightly when he noticed your mild panicked expression. “‘m talking about your clothes, dummy. Don’t go thinking weird shit.”

“Sorry…” you mumbled, suddenly remembering why you were apologizing in the first place. You looked down at your clothes. “Right, thanks for pointing it out.”

For some reason, the air felt awkward. You weren’t sure why you felt so nervous as you stood next to him, wondering what was taking the elevator so long.

Today couldn’t be more shitty. Not only had you forgotten your umbrella, leaving you soaked, but now you were standing next to the guy you just embarrassed yourself in front of (you'd been also harboring feelings for him the past few months, but that’s irrelevant). First, you ignored him. Second, you stared at him in a weird daze that probably creeped him out. And third, you misinterpreted his simple observation into something dirty.

It felt like you were inconveniencing the blond. All Katsuki wanted was to get on the elevator, and there you were, staring at him in a daze. Now, he was boring holes into you, and you couldn’t wait to shower and overthink this entire interaction.

The elevator doors opened with a ding, and out came Mineta and Kaminari, whispering to each other about something you were sure you didn’t want to know about. They were so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn’t even noticed you and Bakugou waiting, resulting in them bumping into you two.

You didn’t have time to catch yourself as your still-slippery shoes slid against the floor, causing you to fall. Well, almost. You were already bracing yourself for the impact when you realized that, yes, you were against something firm, but the firm object was also warm.

You opened your squeezed-shut eyes, slowly blinking as you realized you hadn’t hit the floor, which would have been the cherry on top of the horrible afternoon you had so far. Instead, someone’s arm was keeping you steady. While you were initially grateful, it only took one second to recognize who the arm belonged to, and you were immensely embarrassed.

You jumped like a cat touching water. Wrong move. It seemed that you kept forgetting that you were wet, which included your shoes. You almost slipped again - no, correction: you did slip again, but you were also caught again. You weren’t sure what was more mortifying, the fact that you were acting like a klutz or the fact that Katsuki was holding you tight to his chest, preventing you from moving.

“Stop moving, dammit. You’re gonna fall or some shit.” Katsuki’s voice was gruff in your ear, and it was then that you realized how close you two were. Your initial reaction was to run away, but after your previous two attempts at simply moving your body, you didn’t think that was wise. Besides, being held by Katsuki was something both unexpected and highly appreciated.

His warm body was slowly removing the chill that had settled over yours. But when you registered his mouth so close to you, goosebumps speckled your skin. “You good to stand, or you gonna fall again?”

Your response was a nod because you truly did not trust your mouth to not further embarrass you. Katsuki’s arms left you, but not before he righted you on your feet, hands lingering on your waist to stabilize you.

You two held eye contact as he ducked his head to ensure that you were actually alright with a quirk of his brow. You could feel the heat emanating from your cheeks, and you were so glad that he wasn’t holding you so close to him as he was before.

His vermillion eyes pierced into yours, and you began to realize just how rich their color was. You hadn’t noticed how entrancing they were until you heard the most obnoxious non-whispering.

“Oh my god, this is exactly like the movies, Kaminari. They’re totally gonna make out right now.”

The purple-headed pervert was too busy mumbling inappropriate comments to himself to see an angry blond finally stepping away from you and walking his way. “And we get front-row seats. I wonder if they’re gonna have sex-”

Before Mineta could finish this piercing, a hand smacked him on the head, leaving him wailing. Katsuki leaned down, practically squatting to reach the boy’s height. “Wanna say that pervy shit again, hah?!”

“B-Bakugou, let’s calm down, shall we?” A nervous Kaminari stuttered out. He froze when Katsuki’s harsh glare turned to him. “You know what, never mind. Go- go ahead.”

Katsuki redirected his angry and annoyed attention back to Mineta, who was quivering and shaking like he feared for his life. With the murderous look on the blond’s face, Mineta had every right to feel that way.

Before Katsuki could teach the class pervert a well-deserved lesson, a yell came from the opening elevator doors. In the time you and Katsuki waited for the elevator and were now, unfortunately, dealing with Kaminari and Mineta, more people had loaded onto the elevator and joined your little party.

Iida immediately took notice of the situation and intervened in his class-president fashion. “Bakugou, while I’m sure you believe enacting justice will rid Mineta here of his inappropriate actions, you mustn’t resort to such violence!”

Upon having an audience and a decreasing tolerance, Katsuki grunted, releasing his tight grip on the boy, who rushed to safety far away from the blonde, who then rolled his eyes.

“You say some weird shit like that again, and I’ll kill you. Got it, pipsqueak?!”

“Language!” Iida shouted, waving his arm around like he was directing traffic.

All the yelling and commotion was far too much on your tired and overworked body. You heaved a sigh as Iida reprimanded Katsuki and Mineta, then himself as he was too loud. Unbeknownst to you, Katsuki had noticed your despair, prompting him to grab your hand and shove past the group.

Before Iida could voice his grievances about Katsuki’s apparent rudeness, the blond smashed the elevator’s button closed. You blinked slowly at all of the action that just took place.

The elevator hadn’t even moved when you remembered that Katsuki was still holding your hand. As warmth dispersed throughout your body, you had one thought.

This is gonna be one long ride…

✸-✸-✸

[l-e-morgan-author]

on mental health, autism and my life lately

Contentedly, Patience settled to her knitting, glad to have the hardest part of the day over. Now all she had to fight was complicated patterns, and cables that didn’t really want to work exactly how they were supposed to. Much easier than people.

*points* autism

Anyway this is. I originally put the rest of this in the tags and then I typed it up here again because no, it has to be part of the post, actually.

So two weeks ago I was completely convinced that I would die in a matter of days. By my own hand. I was severely suicidal, at an eight on the Emmengard scale, except for the frequent times it tipped up to nine. It was hell. I had a friend overseas who the entire year so far, I didn't think I'd see again because I would have killed myself before she got home. It was that bad.

And she's got home, and barring accident, I will see her again. I've been on the brink of suicide for more than two months, and now, that's changed. Truly I didn't realise how bad it was, really, until I was delivered from it.

This might seem completely separated from the original excerpt, but bear with me. I was realising just now that if I'd written Patience, Changing a year ago, it wouldn't be half so good. So far I'm up to 18k, and it's good. It has a lot of stuff to work on, of course, and I'm still distilling the true centre of it. It'll take a few drafts, but it's good. Patience is autistic, and I knew that a year ago. But I didn't know I was autistic, not then. Now, I understand myself a great deal more, and I understand her because of that. She's me, to some extent, including aspects of me that I didn't even realise were a thing until recently. Because I know me more, I now lean into the aspects in which we are similar, and relish the ones in which we're different. She has one good, close friend in a way I just don't have, not precisely like that. (Look, I love and cherish my friends, truly, but Patience and Nathan's friendship is just Different. And I certainly didn't have anyone like that at her age. Maybe if I had things would have been different for me.)

My heart is full of love today; I can't stop thinking, Patience, we made it. We both made it. We had patience (ha!) and we MADE it. We got here, and for now that's enough. I did an artwork once that was featured in my university's mental health exhibition, about how today is enough, sometimes.

Anyway, the reason I've been so much better (and written about 20k in the last week alone, unheard of for months because of severe depression) is anxiety medication. My doctor put me on medication for anxiety, as a last-ditch attempt before hospitalisation for suicide concern as well as self harm. They're highly addictive, and thus he doesn't want me on them for much longer, so I might be singing a different tune in a few days when he tells me to stop taking them or something, but even so. For now, this is enough. Sure, I'm still depressed. But barely. I've been on the line of severe/extremely severe for both depression and anxiety for ages, and whether it's the anxiety med alone or that it gives the antidepressant I've been on a while space to actually work, the difference is drastic.

So I'm drafting Patience, Changing. And having enormous fun. I'm planning all sorts of things. (Check my tumblr blog, @l-e-morgan-author for more fun and exciting things I get up to.) I'm even planning to hit 25k tomorrow on Patience, Changing, and I'm on 56k total draft for all the Patience things, including fluff prompts that will turn into a novella, and the existing novella The Patience of Hope.

So this might be a short-term thing, but guys. We made it. We made it. And I talked to my grandmother today about being autistic, and told her I think she's autistic, and she was fascinated by that, and was very autistic about it, and she asked all sorts of lovely questions.

And I debated something with someone who doesn't share my faith, and I failed in the debate because I didn't know enough to answer their arguments, but hey. That's okay.

That's okay. I'm okay. I'm planning for uni already. Gonna be a difficult semester, but even so. I'm excited for it. Excited! Something I haven't been, not really, for months and maybe years.

I leave you, then, with this excerpt from later on in the chapter:

You are whole, said the anonymous letter. You are whole, Patience, you are not broken.

this post was published on my blog, with minor edits.

Patience taglist:

@pilgrimsofworship

@stealingmyplaceinthesun

@noisette-tornade

@graycedelfin

@choasuqeen