#id like to get into them but i cannot listen to podcasts at all :[

[copperbadge]

Well, Still Salty.

I was cranky yesterday and I thought a good night's sleep would provide some adjustment in perspective, but unfortunately "spending yesterday not on tumblr" also offered perspective and got there first.

Up front: feel free to comment or reblog on this post (replies may be heavily delayed) but if you feel the urge to Like, I'm going to ask you to take one more step and go to https://www.tumblr.com/support, select "feedback" as the category, and enter a line or two about the new dash. It can be as simple as "Your new dash design is difficult to use and is driving people off the site". I'm not asking everyone to do it, but if you're going to Like this post, that would be a helpful action in addition. You can delete any response they send; no reason to expose yourself to the unique combination of incompetence and condescension with which they handle feedback generally.

Also up front: yeah, if I find somewhere else to go and go there, I will certainly let you guys know beforehand, I'm not going to just evaporate. I'll be broadcasting about Tumblr's replacement on Tumblr very heavily. But I can't deny that it is now an active goal of mine to find a viable replacement for this site. (More on this in a moment.) You will always be able to find me on AO3 as copperbadge, or via copperbadge@gmail.com. (More on this in a moment also.)

This kind of thing is why I refuse to fuck with staff now or ever; I don't trust them and I never will. Watching @wip respond to almost every complaint or suggestion with "but that would be really hard" is telling. Whoever is pushing blocks around at Tumblr wants a lucrative site that's easy to code, but lucrative is hostile to community and code is difficult by nature, and when the architecture of the meeting hall is hostile and cheap, people don't stick around.

I've been watching the site as every change made it incrementally worse, from a buggy post window that doesn't allow ease of editing to the new dash (which is the reason I'm writing this in a text window off Tumblr). I genuinely do not think I can use desktop Tumblr like this unless I can install something that will put it back the way it was, and roughly 40% of the content you guys get HAS to come through desktop. It's impossible to do on a phone or so time-consuming it's not worth it. I cannot code Radio Free Monday on a phone; it's a struggle to code it on a single-monitor laptop (I usually write it on my work computer, where I have two monitors). Even writing image IDs on the phone is difficult and something I rarely do. Tumblr is becoming an actively difficult place for me to make content, introducing friction left and right.

But where does one go? I've tried other platforms and they're either worse to use or they don't have the constituency. The problem with a lot of discourse around internet addiction is that it often points out how glued people are to their phones without asking what it is they're doing on those phones. I'm not addicted to social media; I don't doomscroll, I don't care what celebrities have to say, I don't find 140 characters useful or interesting, I don’t find most “funny” videos very interesting. I create a lot of original content for public consumption, significantly more than many social media users, and if that becomes difficult, then the site suffers more than I do. But it's undeniable that social media, and this social media in specific, is where my people are, and yeah, I like seeing you all every day. It makes it difficult to leave even when Tumblr is the best of a bad set of options.

It seems like a lot of the internet, lately, is the best of a bad set of options.

All that said, Tumblr forced a sudden, unwanted, and unchangeable reskin on me a day after I listened to a two-hour podcast about addiction while working on building a newsletter system for my author site. I spent the evening before this happened in contemplation of my relationship to social media and to my readership and how I might alter it to my benefit regardless of whether that's also to Tumblr's detriment. Their poor timing, I suppose. A lot of the theories advanced on the podcast were, to put it kindly, bunk, but one of the suggestions for people questioning their relationship to an activity was a dopamine fast -- removing something in your life that gives you quick but unsustained dopamine hits, so that you can take some time to level out and examine your behaviors. On the one hand, that's not at all how dopamine works; from the jump it's a bad theory. But on the other, pulling back from something you think may be causing you difficulty is generally speaking a good tactic.

Removing myself from Tumblr yesterday was an active process: because I have ADHD and often will forget something exists if I don't systematize my engagement with it, Tumblr is normally pinned to my browser, with the app on my phone's top screen. Removing the app and closing the window meant that while I occasionally reached for Tumblr, it was less frequently than I expected, and the lack of access reminded me why I wasn't there. I missed you guys, but I didn't miss getting distracted from work by my dash, or the pressure to respond to the volume of communication I receive through the site daily. I don't think my use of tumblr as my sole social media has been unhealthy, per se, but certainly yesterday felt both quieter and calmer after I walked away.

But that's a temporary relief, because you are my community, and not only do I not want to leave my community, it's a resource for me. One of the reasons I do things like Radio Free Monday and the weekly Hug on Saturdays is that I try to make sure that resource is reciprocal. Leadership involves service. Leaving would be easy in the short term, but in the long term, leaving my community without having another place to meet it, or another community to go to, would be harmful to both of us. I'm already someone who isolates, and while I have a strong brickspace circle of friends, they fulfill sometimes different needs.

Though I do appreciate the wild vote of confidence from the comments to my last post telling me people would come with me where I went. That means a lot to me. I will attempt to make it either unnecessary or as painless as possible. Just know, I see your faith and friendship and I appreciate it.

Sometimes at my old job I'd be in very tumultuous meetings where a lot was discussed and not much agreed on, and the most useful thing to me was always to say, "What are our next steps? What would you like me to do because of this meeting?" So what are next steps, all this being the case?

First, I'm going to be off Tumblr, mostly, for another couple of days, because clearly I need the break and a few days won't matter too much. Again, I will be back either to continue on the site or to let you guys know, at length and volume, where I'm headed. The former is much more likely.

Second, I'm going to be actively looking for both a widget I can install to reset the dash (recommendations welcome, I currently don't even use xkit) and a wholly new platform that's a realistically viable alternative. Even if the dash gets reset, the shitty post editor is here for good. Attempts to source alternative platforms in the past have taught me that it needs to have a mobile-friendly site or an app, a similar structure to tumblr, and a reasonable chance of actually attracting users. That's a heavy venn diagram unlikely to be fulfilled anytime soon, but I'm now invested in finding it, instead of just passively waiting for it to happen to me (as Tumblr did when it pulled me off LJ).

Third, I do have an email newsletter in the works! I'm just wrestling currently with setting up how people sign up for it. This wasn't meant to be "my main broadcast platform"; it's meant to be a once-monthly email to share book news, targeted at people who aren't on socials or who just really love content from me, I guess. :D The plan was for me to assure Tumblr users that it was not extra content, just select content repackaged into a digest. But it will be one way to ensure that if I'm moving around outside of Tumblr, you'll know about it. I hope to have a link to a signup page soon. (I'm....dealing with some code issues.)

Fourth, I'm going to be combing through the last ten years I've spent here and pulling anything I think is of value into an archive. For now everything will remain here as well, and I'll let you guys know if I think that's going to change, but it's clear that this space is moving only one direction, towards a place I can't exist, and when/if it crumbles I want to have already evacuated what's important.

So there you go. I'll possibly be posting sporadically (the Saturday Hugs are queued six months in advance so that'll happen) but if nothing else and if not sooner, I'll be back full-time next week starting with Radio Free Monday. I appreciate your patience and your kindness in the meantime!

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 11/21/2023

awful lot of cooking content from me, who hates cooking but finds the evenings jittery and boring

listening

Doorbell by Sterling Press, off the spotify weekly recced playlist. i don't know that i like this song. i don't know that it's particularly good. goddamn if it isn't catchy. alt britpop, they hate being compared to blur but mmmm. you do hear it. notes of ska as well. a song to blast in your car when your spring break plans fell through and you're driving to the good target two towns away from your hometown.

i don't think this music video could have existed pre-pandemic-- idk doorbell cams were that ubiquitous or well known, despite heavy advertising from nest.

from an interview:

Speaking about the new release, they said, “We wrote the song in our mates garage using drum samples off YouTube. We spent all night writing it then in the early hours of the morning drove to Maccies to have breakfast and had it on repeat the whole time. We all fell in love with it straight away. These lyrics speak to the importance of authenticity and sincerity in your actions. In a world where appearances and pretences can be misleading, it's a reminder to be true to yourself and to avoid trying to impress others for the sake of it. “I feel like its an experience we all share. We all know someone who goes off to uni or gets a new job and you bump into them on the street and they act as if they have no idea who you are. I guess this song is reflection of our frustrations towards those people.”

they have what i would consider an unusual amount of hype and presence for a band that has exactly three songs out, but they've all been making music together and separately since well before the pandemic so maybe they've just finally broken out? i can't figure out who these kids are related to. i don't think it's a full on industry plant but i do think someone's dad has some money.

a friend once said she hated how eighties songs faded out like a printer running out of ink, and i do not particularly care for how 2020s songs end with the entire band vanishing underwater.

this song is truly not that deep but it is thoroughly stuck in my goddamn head.

listening: special podcast edition

i am not looking for solutions. do not say solutions at me. i am taking through a brain thing and having a weird workflow and brain problem. i have tried other apps with browser support and do not like them, and i cannot have my personal apple id tied to my work computer bc i have and frequently use a work apple id.

i have been listening to podcasts through Spotify ever since mmm november ‘20. it has not been a good experience but juggling the Apple Podcasts app through my phone (distraction minefield) and whatever im listening to or working on with the work computer is a nightmare. ethics of spotify aside, it is a tremendously successful all in one listening platform. i do not have the brainspace to manage my own music library, and support my favorite artists in other ways.

i am not looking for solutions. do not say solutions at me.

however, if you listen to enough podcast episodes, spotify does not seem to believe you when you tell it to unfollow a podcast. it just keeps letting you know hey this has a new episode. this got me stuck on a loop where i was listening to more and more episodes of two very prolific conspiracy theory debunking podcasts to the exclusion of almost everything else. this was not very good for my mental health.

i am not looking for solutions. do not say solutions at me.

despite the real annoyance of finagling a very distracting phone and the work laptop, i have gone back to Apple Podcasts and (after weeding out a variety of podcasts for a variety of reasons) started listening to friends at the table again. not sure why i stopped but i felt a weird amount of guilt around restarting?? the tablefriends neither know nor care. i have finally finished road to palisade and am excited but nervous about starting palisade proper

-

reading

a local religious thrift store has absolutely rancid vibes but does regularly have 6/$1 book sales. there were a couple older trade paperback comics the last time: the first three volumes of ULTIMATE XMEN and a radom What If? superman.

my trouble with the xmen, and i have to read something from it once every two years to remind myself, is that magneto is right. they will never be able to assimilate into white picket fence middle america, or even among the liberal coastal elites or whatever the term du jour was in 1999. the box will always be smaller and you will never be perfect enough. i did not enjoy this enough to continue bc of this fundamental disagreement with most xmen comics.

also it looks like this. magneto’s lair has an arch in the shape of the arch on the front of his helmet and that was pretty baller, but there’s a real. what was they gimmick blog about all the comic book women in contorted spine-breaking poses? it’s like that a lot. WHAT is ororo’s body doing there

-

watching

hey. what the fuck do you mean tomato sauce is that easy. i dislike tomato sauce and almost exclusively eat jar upon jar of aldi brand pesto. im not allergic bc tomatoes aren't tingly but it's just sort of Nothing all the time. what do you mean it can be good???

i don't actually remember why i'm subscribed to mr internet shaquille. perhaps, like so many other food things, it's kali's fault.

-

playing

g/enshinposting.

pulled this horrid little brat. very pleased with myself.

i do not. love. her story quest. it falls into the childrens' media trap of Sometimes It's Okay For Other People To Stomp All Over Your Boundaries If It's For The Good Of The Group! or perhaps this is just a thing i'm particularly twitchy about. either way, annoyed that other characters of this importance have gotten some deeply moving writing and so far furina has...not gotten that.

the next character i am excited about is lolita taylor swift, or geo-aligned lady with big fuckoff sword. from some early maybe-leaks i think she would pair beautifully with my playstyle and my pirate lady with big sword. my playstyle is mostly brute force damage. i hit things as hard as i can until they fall over and i've played the entire game (with some exceptions that required actual thinking about elemental reactions) that way. it pleases me.

re: the conclusion of the annapausis sidequest, genshin does a really good job of teasing out "ok in a world with actual gods, what does spirituality look like/what are the differing views on fate/how do people make sense of an afterlife". mostly this is gnosticism. and sometimes it's a real life occultist secret society (reskinned Rosicrucianism). fascinating writing choices.

-

making

turkey cottage pie with scalloped potatoes, bc i had a five-pound bag of russets that were starting to sprout. im just going to yoink this pic i posted earlier bc it is now half gone and in tupperware form

this is the first time ive ever cooked in a dutch oven and im in love. i thrifted this for $20 some weeks ago but bc the lid has some chips and rust i haven't used it. which is silly, bc the body of the oven is fine. de-rusting and seasoning the lid will wait for a day when i actually need it bc for now we can get by with doubled-over sheet of aluminum foil.

used this recipe: only had a pound of ground turkey and liberally stretched it with potatoes (i think about three and a half pounds out of five) and three pounds out of a cheap frozen veggie mix bag. did not include mushrooms bc i did not like them. threw in some bay leaves bc i have a giant bag of them, i think i almost doubled the wine bc i doubled the recipe, but i do not think i remembered to double the beef stock. i also shook in a liberal amount of italian seasoning bc i have a cheap jar from aldi i want to use up.

the final product was somewhat soupy. i anticipated that slicing the potatoes was going to be the longest part (mostly true, i had to take breaks) and kept them in a big bowl of cold water to stop them browning while i chopped and after i blanched them. i also could have reduced the filling down some more but i am not a patient woman.

not as intended but still yummy, which was a lovely surprise bc usually when i fuck recipes up i fuck them up But Good. plus new technique (dutch oven). if i make this again (likely) i will do instant potatoes on top bc this was a fuck of a lot of chopping for one recipe. thinking about getting one of those stupid little hand smash veggie choppers bc a full food processor is extremely out of budget.

[dearclem]

𝑵𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻𝑹𝑬𝑺𝑻 𝑻𝑨𝑺𝑲 𝑶𝑵𝑬

— a look at clem's mobile device & social media ( ft. kage, montez, candy, aranya, finley, dae-eun ).

THE BASICS:

brand of phone:

apple iphone 14 pro max 1TB²

color:

deep purple.

case:

phone case: plain, matte black. popsocket: a ghostface call me, visual here

locked or unlocked:

locked with both a passcode and face ID. face ID is the preferred method, of course, but her passcode is her mother's birthday in the order of DDMMYR ( so it's 230373 ).

wallpaper:

THIS piece of artwork that she finds very cute ( pastel panting of ghosts sitting on a grassy hill with a crescent moon, clouds, and rainbow in the sky ).

lockscreen:

THIS photo of dao, her cat ( siamese kitten sleeping on its back in her lap with view of adorable toe beans ).

USAGE:

time spent on device:

it depends. on the days of her uploads, she's probably on it more than usual because of engagement. otherwise, she's only on it whenever she's reaching out to someone, when she's playing her games before trying to sleep, or she's looking up something and doesn't have her ipad or computer handy.

five most used apps:

spotify. kindle. webtoon. classic words. animal restaurant.

web tabs:

none are open. whenever she's done using one, she closes it.

last thing googled:

probably when she was looking for a new story, so something like japanese urban legends.

last text message received:

an update regarding a delivery of something she ordered for monty's upcoming birthday.

last voicemail:

probably a spam call and no, her voicemail is never full. she always cleans them out after listening to them, only saving the ones that are really special.

last thing on camera reel & what image was last saved:

last picture taken: THIS selfie. last image saved: THIS photo that she emailed to herself, which was taken for a previous concept to post on her company's instagram for httpfear. ( tw: fake blood ).

extra tidbits:

this is mainly just a section i wanted to add because these were things that came to me as i was doing this, but there was no real place to put them, so you're getting them here. as is true for her regular life, she keeps her phone very tidy and there is a place & reason for everything: all of her apps are organised in folders---e.g., daily, socials, entertainment, games, shopping, etc.---and she only has four folders on each page so the majority of her background is visible; like with her voicemails, she doesn't keep texts directly on her phone unless they're special and she cleans her call history regularly; if you're in her phone, trust she has you saved under a nickname, even if she doesn't ever address you using said nickname; she always closes both web tabs and apps on her phone the second she's finished using them; she is constantly sanatising it; physically CANNOT STAND having the red notification bubbles on anything and when some apps glitch and those things don't always go away immediately when they should is when you get to see angy clem; and she uses one of those privacy screen protectors so you have to be sitting at the right angle to see what she's doing.

SOCIAL MEDIA:

handles:

personal handles: dearclem. handles where she posts all podcast related things: BLKBoxStudios

instagram, latest post:

snapchat, latest sent:

using the mini tripod she has when going on adventures, she took this photo and sent it to monty, rubbing it in that she has goodies and he doesn't 😌

dating apps:

doesn't partake in the thing, no. has no desire and people can be creepy.

spotify:

top three songs of '22: fall in lust ╱ EDEN, jiselle {xx}

❝ we should ride this wave, until the sun comes up baby kiss me harder, make me feel the rush i don't wanna be alone tonight, so why don't we just fall in lust.. ❞

boomerang ╱ the summer set {xx}

❝ let's pop champagne, fake like we're billionaires just you and me, ain't much but we don't care you look so good, i love when people stare you on my arm, tryna keep you there.. ❞

call me back ╱ chase atlantic {xx}

❝ if you get a minute, call me back i'm so lonely and you're the only one that knows me and if you're busy, then i understand it it's bad timing, and i'm probably gonna end up crying.. ❞

last listened to: killer on the drive home ╱ kaiyko {xx}

❝ stop your crying it's not the end of the world but no one listens to a quiet little girl i wanna talk about it, don't wanna shout about it left me alone made me the killer on the drive home.. ❞

tiktok:

she has the app downloaded, but that's only because she gets sent tiktoks and it's just easier to have it downloaded than not. it's never something she finds herself scrolling on.

facebook:

this is another social media app that she wants no part of. she's never had one, nor will she ever because she has no family to keep in contact with and all her friends are nearby.

others:

has youtube, pinterest, reddit, & tumblr.

youtube is where she posts the videos she creates of her two podcasts.

ADVICE PODCAST. HORROR PODCAST. ( tw: horror images, fake blood, creepy eye drawing?, knife ).

pinterest is mostly a private thing ( as in most of her boards are hidden ) because she pins things for aesthetic purposes regarding different ideas she has and may wish to explore in the future. the only boards that are public are her own personal board ( about herself and things she likes ) and a board she's created for the book series she's already published and within that board, each book has it's own section with things like how she pictures the main characters, their connection, the aesthetic of the location & mystery, etc. reddit is something she uses as a way of connecting with some of her listeners and giving them a place to post their own stories and things they may want her to read/cover because whereas she gets some of her inspiration from r/nosleep sometimes, she also likes involving her listeners and that's a wee bit easier to manage in comparison to emails, especially considering she does everything all on her own save for someone she has help her with the editing of her youtube vids. tumblr is where she posts writings, something like a diary of sorts ( think like inkskinned & sue zhao ), though it's completely anonymous and she'd likely throw herself into the void if anyone found out it was her.

[mousemilf]

About your post on like boring podcast and stuff:

I always thought I was able to like enjoy those things like everyone said but then i realized I cannot enjoy them unless I’m doing a different activity.

I always thought I was like, not doing something wrong necessarily but I was like “but I like dry video essays why can’t I pay attention to any” and it’s cuz I’m not drawing or working out or something

yeah i listen to stuff while im doing activities like driving or making crafts but stuff like music or audiobooks that are more engaging and stimulating than podcasts and youtube videos full of 99% filler.... the whole "dudes who are friends with each other but not friends with you" thing just makes me feel like the awkward kid in class who got sat at a lab table with a loud group of friends. the information to nonsense ratio is abysmal. and it would be one thing if it was funny but ive never heard one that actually is, its just all inside jokes and the hosts losing their minds over them.

like i actually have 0 desire to develop the ability to consume this kind of media... to me its exactly as understimulating as football. like oh a random dude did something and we're going to talk about it for a full minute. no.

even if i did want to get into a podcast i shudder to think what kind of lifestyle changes id have to make in order to have enough downtime doing silent, mostly stationary activities to make it possible.

[picopepin]

Oh your still doing the ask game? I was busy at the time but I wanted to send numbers 4 11 12 19 and 27!

>:DD Weee hell yea!

4. Fav character/subject that’s a bitch to draw

Well its not mettaton Kisses. oh my god is it kisses. I wish so badly to be able to make it work all of the time. I am so soft and yet so fragile at my utter incompetence to draw them right. Specific individual subject is hard to answer because if its a bitch to draw I dont voluntarily... do it? 8ua

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

Stream-goers will know Im a notorious song looper. We call it cheesecaking in this house for reasons I cant explain in one sentence but I really do cling to one song and loop it for literally 3 to 6 hours. Helps with certain parts and hinders others... otherwise I make these 2-3hr megamix files where Ive curated the order of songs to transition in a pleasing way for me to keep myself from skipping. Skipping is the enemy, the mark of the beast when it comes to staying focused. Absolutely cannot do podcasts, documentaries, anything with informative content or visual component. Ill do corrective drawing in silence

12. Easiest part of body to draw

Maybe noses? Ears aren't too bad either. Maybe hips but nothing that attaches to them lol

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

Planes!! Like fabric is the number one goat but I also like a good rock and pine. Apparently roses too. I'm ass with blades though

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

Yes actually and I cannot recommend it enough for mental health reasons not just some cool ripped imaginary artist routine. For one, to make sure you are able to use your equipment, two, to check and make sure you're able to handle arting today without running into a devastating roadblock and then getting upset with yourself. So for me, I keep it real simple before a lecture or demo I make a full workspace canvas and just calibrate like this for a while:

if I can make it to step 3 without getting mad at my hand then we are generally safe to continue :D Ive decided between step 1 and 2 before that I just wasnt in the right mood to draw and just left to do something else lol but also sometimes its just a matter of Id rather paint than draw and vice versa.

[the-ark-awaits]

hey idk how many of yall like podcasts, i typically cannot listen to them bc adhd, BUT if you like spooky horrors and funny inside jokes about teeth and peens and beans, you should check out ‘dont look under the internet’ aka dluti, its 3 dudes and they get a lil drunk and they tell you about internet mysteries and args and scary stories for like an hour and its fucking hilarious bc they researched it all like the night before and most of the time they all research a different thing with no communication so theyre figuring out shit live as they record and its super funny anyways im also biased bc the orthon (guess that how its spelled) joke is like, so so close to a joke i had with my friends a few years back where i was the ‘teeth collector’ and that was funny also uhhh theyve done episodes on all sorts of modern spooker analog horror like local58 and gemini home entertainent, theyve done mystery flesh pit (how i found them), theyve done shit like russian sleep experiment and erratas, and shit id never heard of like mels hole and stardust ranch, one of their patreon dudes literally created an entire arg for them that was really cool, they have a google number you can text them at like, just whenever and thats really funny i lowkey harass them a lot and feel bad but its funny anyways in conclusion go listen to dluti rn :gun:

[ace-but-not-a-pilot]

HI I hope your week/ day picks up I wanted to send you an ask but I was really sure what I wanted to say so I made a list of a bunch of silly little things I love that you should defintelt try some of them if u haven’t

- The Secret to Life album by Fizz

- Apple crisp which is a time commitment I get it but there are some microwave recipes you can try and I would def recommend adding cranberries and topping with ice cream <3

- Hot chocolate : just a packet of mix (or you can use cocoa powder+sugar mix you can find ratio online) cinnamon and a dash just a dash of red pepper

- Mega 👏 mango 👏

- ^my fave band rn

- also regular mango ??? But that’s hard to find rn

- IDing local insects (plants, fungi, birds, etc) on iNat and if I don’t know enough doing research on distinctions between similar species

- Spending some time outside and then taking a hot shower which I don’t think you’re supposed to do bc the temperatures shock your senses or whatever but nothing feels better after a day of work than a hot shower

- Literally just buttered toast there’s nothing more healing than some buttered toast sometimes you gotta imagine you’re a shepherd in the alps for the full effect but damn

- Might as well make another slice of toast and put peanut butter on it too bc yk protein or whateve

- Listening to welcome to night vale and yes I know there’s 200+ episodes it’s a big deal but all the other diction podcasts take themselves so seriously someone times you gotta listen to the silly radio guy worry about his crushes’ new haircut yk

- Did u know this is off topic but like an animal i love did u know that a pangolin’s tongue attaches BEHIND ITS LUNGS like wtf dude why s it so long

- That poem Fog by Carl Sandberg

- Also this poem: 44th Birthday Evening, at Harris’s by Ted Berrigan

- Making mixtape CDs except idk your irl so you should hmu with your music taste so I ca make you a playlist instead

Uhhhhh that’s all I got for now I did like … material things and content not like .:.. the sunset on the prairie or whatever . Much love take care of yourself <3

You are amazing. I might not be great at expressing gratitude, but thank you. Even though I cannot do most of the food ones due to being stuck without a kitchen atm, the mere thought of you typing this up is such an important light for me right now. Thank you <3

[flock-talk]

Hi flock talk! first i want to thank you a lot for teaching me how to become better parront! I've learned so much from your blog and videos. I am thinking of adopting a puppy, I follow you insta and yoshi is such a good girl and love the way you approach her. Where should i go to learn more about dog's body language and how to train them. Because when i first started doing some research on birds I didn't know any better and followed any advice on internet and led to a lot of setbacks.

Aw thank you!

There’s actually a whole load of good instas that are run by CPDT and other certification council registered dog trainers so if you’re looking for easy to consume content instead of sit-down-and-focus books I would really recommend the following:

https://instagram.com/dogminded?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/thecollaredscholar?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/dogtorlinlin?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/doginspired.ca?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/dog_liaison?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/clickstartdogacademy?utm_medium=copy_link

https://instagram.com/noblewoof?utm_medium=copy_link

One really good podcast Id recommend is Drinking From The Toilet. It goes a bit more in depth on concepts which I find really beneficial. It’s one thing to say do x + y to get Z but it’s another to fully understand why doing x + y give you the result. I find that podcast does a good job of going in to detail without using a ton of technical language that could be difficult for newcomers to fully grasp as easily.

Really when it comes to dog training the easiest thing I can suggest when trying to sort out if something is right is asking yourself if it feels right. If you find that something makes you feel regret afterwards, you feel yucky doing it, you hesitate to follow through, odds are there’s something sketchy going on. Dog training is just fancy communication, if you’re not having fun listening to your dog and your dog isn’t having fun learning how to understand you then something’s wrong!

Instagram especially is a really easy place to go down a dark rabbit hole of accounts that seem okay at face value but slowly ease you in to outdated methodologies. Checking for credentials (years of experience and years of owning dogs are not credentials), certifications from force free facilities, how often they attend conferences + update their learning, and following LIMA (least intrusive minimally aversive) guidelines are all quick ways to help solidify whether or not you can trust your source.

Some quick good books: The Ethical Dog Trainer, The Cautious Canine, and Don’t Shoot The Dog are my top 3. There’s a whole lot of good ones out there though.

Lastly I cannot recommend enough, call an in person behaviourist. Even if you aren’t seeing a behaviour problem. Well trained dog behaviourists can spend a quick hour with you looking at your dog on a walk with you, a zoom call, or in your house and help pin point things you can improve on or little body language cues you may need to pay closer attention to/ how to respond. They can help set you and your dog up on the right path, answer any questions you may have, and usually they have a good list of resources and connections in your local area (good force free groomers, local daycares they trust, well maintained parks, dog sports, things like that!) that can be super helpful later on! They’re an extremely valuable resource to have!

Hope that helps get your foot in the door on the right track! Happy researching!

[tentativelyteal]

Why the tapes can't be all Web's

tl:dr The Tapes are hardly the Web's; they belong to Jon, and Martin, and Sasha, and Tim, and Basira, and Daisy, and Melanie, and Georgie, and Gerry, and- you get the idea

~long ramblings beneath, stuff we all actually know already, but I had to get this out because I don't think Annabelle saying tapes are the Web in 197 cheapens the narrative even just looking into the narrative itself for clues~

First of all, it's not even confirmed in 197

[ep197 transcript ID; emphases mine]

BASIRA: So. The tapes. They're from the Web, then?

ARCHIVIST: Looks like it.

BASIRA: Were they always? Right from the start?

ARCHIVIST: As far as I can tell, it's hard to s- If I look too closely at them, my own voice, things get... recursive, hard to follow.

BASIRA: I always assumed they were with The Eye. The whole 'watching, listening, waiting' thing, y'know?

ARCHIVIST: No, they were always using them to spin their own web. Out of my voice.

BASIRA: Mine too.

Jon says 'looks like it' and 'as long as I can tell, it's hard to s[ay]' - doesn't sound definite to me, and as much as I love you, Jon, you've been mistaken before. And I know Annabelle refers to the tapes as the Web's ('our tapes'), but Annabelle, as much as I love you, you, eh, lie/lie by omission all the time.

And it's interesting that Jon says: 'If I look too closely at them, my own voice, things get... recursive, hard to follow'. When have we seen Jon not able to see something (that's not artifically shielded or that's/who's severed connections with the fears)? When he realised that the Eye cannot see within itself. But I want to push it further to say that it's not only the Eye Jon cannot See into, but he also can't See into himself. First, because the tapes aren't connected to the Eye - he says as much in his next line, but also the Eye has only ever needed statements read/said aloud, not necessarily recorded. Second, and more importantly because even though the Web might have been 'always using them to spin their own web', but, BUT, to begin with, the tapes are Jon's words and Jon's own voice. And Basira makes a point to say: Mine too. Like, hello? This strong use of possessive is just too big to ignore.

And then, of course, we get to the most horrifying part of victimisation, laid out coldly in third person as if Jon weren't standing right there:

ANNABELLE: (...) And then, we took his voice.

ARCHIVIST: No...

ANNABELLE: His, and those he walked with.

But it's his voice, the tapes are his voice, his! His, first and foremost. Not yours, not the Web's, not even the Eye's - you all can just fuck off, you thieves and robbers. It's his! His, and those he walked with. And I think - though I'm probably just over-interpreting - but I think it's important that right when Annabelle states: 'we took his voice', as if that were the be all and end all, we have Jon literally interjecting with his voice: 'No...' Yes, in this context, it's a horrified and disbelieving 'No', but I think it carries weight. It has to carry weight.

Can we also just recap (an inexhaustive list of) the things that the tapes have been?

Okay, so they've been: used by the Web, okay, big deal, so what

Voices and words of Jon, Martin, Tim, Sasha, Melanie, Basira, Daisy, Georgie, Gerry, you get the idea. And not just statements!! We've got conversations that have nothing to do with feeding the fears! We've even got The Admiral purring! Like?!

Special honorary mention 1: The only thing they/we have left of Sasha James

Special honorary mention 2: Martin K. Blackwood's poetry

Anchor, of course, anchor. Do you mean to tell me the tapes worked as an anchor in ep132 'Entombed' because they belong to the Web? Seriously. And the tapes are portrayed as parallel to Jon's rib - literally a part of Jon's self.

Memories.

[ep170 Transcript ID]

MARTIN: (to tape) Do you remember? You store them, I suppose. Keep, keep stuff locked up in those little wheels. That's memory, isn't it? (movement) Computers used to be like you. Big, whirring things with loads of - uh, tape. They called that memory.

They are memories, which is also why they belong to the characters.

They are memories, which is also why Jon first chose to record everything that happened.

[ep39 Transcript ID; emphases mine]

ARCHIVIST: I do! I did. I just... I don't want to become a mystery. I refuse to become another goddamn mystery.

SASHA: What?

ARCHIVIST: Look, even if you ignore the walking soil-sack out there, and the fact that we are probably minutes from death, there are still so much more happening here.

MARTIN: I'm not sure we can really ignore the-

ARCHIVIST: Every real statement just leads... deeper into something I don't even know the shape of yet. And to top it all, I still don't know what happened to Gertrude. Officially she's still missing, but Elias is no help and the police were pretty clear that the wait to call her dead is just a formality. If I die, wormfood or... something else, whatever, I'm going to make damn sure the same doesn't happen to me. Whoever takes over from me is going to know exactly what happened.

Just, listen to his conviction. It's his choice. Just give him that.

These all might sound like wishful-thinking, just me being naive holding onto something that's actually nothing, and railing against machinations of eldritch fears. But. But I think what the characters believe is happening - and what we believe is happening - actually matters? That's the whole point sanctioned by what the story's actually told us, time and time again? Because, let's take a look at another tidbit from 197 that's been scaring us:

[ep197 Transcript ID]

ANNABELLE: I would either travel with them, or I would die. I do not know which. My life is only sustained by The Web. Most would simply lose whatever power they have been gifted.

Jon would lose much of himself, the part of him that are The Eye. But he would survive. And perhaps more importantly, he would remain who he believes himself to be. And you would end the suffering of all those others who remain here.

Annabelle! Avatar of the Web, which usually would have us all think that we're all just manipulated! Actually says that the most important thing is who Jon believes himself to be! What we believe!

And finally, of course:

The tapes are the podcast. We all know that.

But that means, what we believe the tapes to be matters. Because that's what we believe the podcast, the whole story, is about. Is the whole story the Web's? I don't fucking think so.

The Web says, hey, here are the tapes that the fears can latch onto so that they can travel out with it, or be dragged, like some parasites.

Well, Jon, like the theatre kid he is, might say the tapes are actually like Horatio,

If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart

Absent thee from felicity a while,

And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain

To tell my story

The tapes are here to tell his story, to tell all their stories.

(I only hope Martin won't turn out to be metaphorically or literally the tapes)

[celsidebottom]

I posted 7,261 times in 2021

233 posts created (3%)

7028 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 30.2 posts.

I added 7,267 tags in 2021

#i guess this is a queue - 2780 posts

#rqg - 1370 posts

#tma - 1328 posts

#mass effect - 381 posts

#tma spoilers - 296 posts

#dragon age - 270 posts

#rqg spoilers - 265 posts

#hades - 264 posts

#pokemon - 157 posts

#my fic - 156 posts

Longest Tag: 122 characters

#i don't want to say its about the canon committed platonic life partners we got in a certain real play podcast i listen to

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I’m so emotional about Wilde’s toasts in a meta sense like

It’s not just the end of the character’s mission it’s the end of these real people playing these characters for six years, and it’s the end of the tale for all of us along for the ride

I also cannot imagine rqg with a different crew of people behind it, playing these characters, crafting this story and providing so much joy.  To absent friends, I think about James, who left for good reasons, but was still a part of this family too

I for one am so excited to see how it all turns out and what kind of drama and badassery the conclusion of this campaign has to throw at them

And then, to what comes next

170 notes • Posted 2021-10-01 00:35:03 GMT

#4

Ben “I don’t feel comfortable roleplaying romance with a character based on a real person” vs James “okay Bertie is going to fuck Oscar Wilde do I use my skill in (intimate) knowledge nobility or ride for that”

229 notes • Posted 2021-03-20 00:28:01 GMT

#3

Wilde in the corrupted area like

[ID: a picture of a brown and white kitten sitting and facing away from the camera on a concrete background.  The image has been edited to read “Wilde” over the cat.  The cat is surrounded by a gold outline, and the words “no talk me im angy singing” are below the cat.  End ID]

237 notes • Posted 2021-01-20 17:08:18 GMT

#2

Brutor: *looks like a pug shoved into a suit of plate armor*

Cel, Azu, and Zolf:

311 notes • Posted 2021-11-24 18:31:41 GMT

#1

Jon with glowing eyes and sleeping with his eyes open is actually really convenient he's just a portable and huggable nightlight

753 notes • Posted 2021-01-24 00:44:40 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[moderngirlmp3]

<33 i'm honored bestie

oh really?? i think you either give me tall person energy or short person over-compensating for a lack of height with the power of Sarcasm energy /pos

ooh funky !! i mean ours was alright hsdklj. but typing games were a Thing in elementary school it wasn't just my school right ? oh that's such a valid reason to cook! mac and cheese with the bread stuff on the top,, absolutely incredible <3

rIGHT !!!! i want the shirt. so bad i spent like half an hour blind clicking on stuff to see if anything is selling it and eventually i found some very questionable looking website so,,, :/ rip to that i think shdlkfjx

SOCIETY IF WE COULD DRAW !!! the gay creations that could have been born if only society had not deprived us of that :pensive_nonartist:

oh that's fair :( looking back there were a Lot of things that i could have just,, not done?? and it would have helped my sleep habits so much but too late now!! cactus patch sbzdjxknclmgsnjzbhkxgy dUDE <33 but !!!! all of those sound really cool n swag bestie. oooh that's smart, plants are awesome but they do require upkeep and whatnot and i know that i'm Very Forgetful capital v and capital f

WOAH. WOAH. i did not know about that website that's actually SO COOL. FHSKLDJF you're absolutely right about tumblr dot com

oh? i did not know there was a google docs dark mode i'm going to be installing that soon so thank you for that!! i don't have honey or grammarly but yeah i can imagine why they'd be annoying ://

i LOVE that!!! that's a brilliant idea you should start a podcast for that i'd absolutely listen/tune in for that.

if i started a podcast,, hm. maybe it would be something Random and Gay, in which i invite some friends on to talk about their different hyperfixations and let them ramble, and then some episodes i go on a mini rabbit hole of learning something random and then making a fun little presentation or something, idk! i do not listen to audiobooks... i suck at them. i've listened to exactly 10 minutes of sword in the stars, and 7 minutes of radio silence before getting bored/distracted, even on 2x speed when i'm doing other things. they're great if you like em, but just not for me lmao

friends and good vibes and a ton of books and lots and lots of space and windows!! and a yard and a nice lil spot for stargazing/watching the sun rise and set, and lots of fairy lights and candles. and it would have happiness, because in a perfect world i'd live with my friends and close to my family, and they would all be alive and okay and happy. because everyone deserves to be happy and have the things they need. and i mean. not particularly, but i don't mind writing essays if they're for fun rather than school!!

what would your ideal house be like, in a perfect world? do you have a favorite shirt? opinion on live concerts? do you have a song right now, that maybe isn't your favorite favorite, but you really like? - 🌵

hey beloveddd sorry i took forever to answer this <33 forgot to take my meds and got sick lol

okay yeah that second part is me lmao. short person overcompensating yeah. i am a very short but very angry person. it's fine. it's FINE.

typing games were for sure a thing in elementary school!! we did a super boring one and it was BAD

aw thats too bad :( i hope u find a decent website with good shirts ™ so u can be vibey and gender

no LITERALLY. i think i might try to learn. (read: i will tell myself this, not do it, and then be disappointed in myself and feel guilty) :pensive_nonartist: so true tho

no SAME i physically cannot keep plants alive to save my life. or theirs. apparently.

yes yes google docs dark mode is a godsend. yeah they just have a LOT of popups and stuff. bleh

omg that podcast sounds absolutely wonderful please it would be the first and only podcast id ever be interested in. NO HELP. I CANT DO AUDIOBOOKS EITHER. my brain does not like it </3

yes yes yes that sounds absolutely immaculate. best vibes. BEST VIBES. and yeah that makes sense re essays

my ideal house would .uh h . uhh . . it would have lots of comfy floor space with rugs and beanbags and stuffed animals and pillows and stuff. and various types of chairs. and lots of string lights EVERYWHERE. and reading nooks and bookshelves everywhere full to the brim and. and and and. just. lots of comfy vibes like hey come over and u will never want to leave but not in a creepy ur trapped here forever way (unless??)

favorite shirt uhhh. i don't think so ?? i mean. hang on i will check my closet. oh there i am wow look at that. SORRY COULDNT RESIST ANYWAYS. umm theres this white cropped graphic tee that i stole from someone at camp. and i really like it :D

live concerts are cool but i could never . . it is just Too Much. yk ??

ooooh song song song song song. uhh. august is a fever ella jane i am once again losing my SHIT over it. also motion sickness by phoebe bridgers.

what's a song you really like right now? what's your favorite texture? what do you miss the most? what's something super random and mundane that you're scared of? how about something deep?

[the-ss-zemyx]

PVP(umpkin Spice Lattes)

Zexion and Arpeggio are Discord friends. They chat in private messages, raid in Verum Rex together, and may or may not have feelings for each other.

Ienzo and Demyx are college roommates. They hate each other, for the most part. At least they can both agree on pumpkin spice lattes.

Happy 2nd Zemyx Day of 2020!!

Specifically for today, the S.S. Zemyx Discord Server hosted a collaborative fic-writing event! Over the course of the past five days, four of our writing members teamed up on a Google Doc in one glorious, inspirational, chaotic, frankenstein-esque fic-writing bonanza! That's right, the fic you're about to read is the product of -four- people's efforts!  Enjoy!! :D

(A HUGE thanks to my co-writers: Aliceslantern, Ennarcia, and Carbonpixel. This was a hell of a lot of fun to do and I'm immensely proud of us!! - Mod Arxsia)

Also available on AO3!

__________

      Demyx hated his roommate. Okay, no, hate was a strong word, and Demyx did his best to be a friendly, outgoing sort of guy, so ‘hate’ was definitely too strong a word. He liked to make friends. Having friends was nice. Having friends was very nice, and so, he tried to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But his roommate was a different story, and Demyx did not like his roommate very much at all.

At least he was easy on the eyes, because everything else about him got on Demyx’s last nerve. His name was Ienzo, but his name might as well have been "Jerk," with a capital J. When he wasn't hogging the Internet bandwidth doing God-knows-what on a chunky Alienware laptop, he was lecturing Demyx on the virtues of keeping the floor free from dirty clothes and giving empty soda cans a proper burial in the plastic wastebasket by the door. Lame. Also, he was a little condescending. That jerk . 

One day, Ienzo burst into their dorm room with the gusto of a hurricane aiming to speak to a manager about a botched coffee order. He swung his laptop bag onto his mattress. It bounced when it landed. "Out," he commanded.

Demyx looked up from his phone. He sat with his legs crossed on his own bed, his Discord app open to a private message thread on his phone. In a few minutes, one of his server friends, a guy with the display name "The Cloaked Schemer" but going by his Discord handle, Zexion#1309, would be starting a voice call with him. It was kind of a big deal--they had been chatting in their shared server for almost a year, and in private messages for almost as long, but they had yet to actually speak to each other. "I'm actually busy," Demyx said.

"I don't care. Out."

It turned into an argument, of course, neither yielding and probably disturbing their neighbors with the yelling. Yep, Demyx didn’t like his roommate one bit. 

He ended up in the lounge by the kitchen, utterly fuming, cursing his idea to “go rando” with a roommate all the while. It’s the best way to make friends, Demyx , his mother had told him. What better friend than a roommate?

Very funny.

At least he’d been able to grab his phone. Of course, Zexion was wondering where the hell he was. 

The Cloaked Schemer: Do you need to reschedule?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: roommate’s being a dick and kicked me out. Sorry!

The Cloaked Schemer: Ah, I too am having roommate troubles. I can sympathize. I know too well what it’s like when one’s privacy is denied.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: he’s driving me NUTS! 

The Cloaked Schemer: Have you tried talking to him about it?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: He didn’t exactly uh seem receptive to talking

The Cloaked Schemer: It’s always a good idea to try for maturity first.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I did! Not my fault the guy wasn’t having it.

Anyway. Id hate to let that guy take up any more time.

Hru?

The Cloaked Schemer: Doing as well as I can, I suppose. I’m enjoying my classes so far. It seems a little easy, but then again, it is only one of the first weeks. Things should pick up more by midterms.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: ure too smart zexy. And didnt you skip a grade?

The Cloaked Schemer: A year, yes. I don’t think they call them grades in college.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Considering some of the people ive met, couldve fooled me.

The Cloaked Schemer: If I’m hoping to have a grad degree within five years, I have to fast track it. I’d rather not spend much more time in undergrad than necessary.

Though I am especially resentful that, despite the fact that I am technically a sophomore, I’m considered enough of a freshman to still be required to dorm.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: That blows

But dude, ure here. Might as well try to enjoy the journey, yaknow?

The Cloaked Schemer: Oh, Arpeggio. Your naivete is too obvious sometimes. It’s sweet, I think.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: har har

The Cloaked Schemer: I am disappointed though. I was looking forward to meeting you--in a manner of speaking. You’re probably one of the most sane people from our Verum Rex server.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Issa game, bro. Some of them, idk, take it a little too seriously

The Cloaked Schemer: Well, aspects of it are worth being taken seriously, but I understand what you mean.

Though the ship wars are grating.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: ha! Yeah.

The Cloaked Schemer: We’ll have to find some other time, then.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Mann i was hoping to see if you sound as smart as you type

The Cloaked Schemer: You flatter me.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Do you think if we lived near each other we would hang out?

The Cloaked Schemer: If it’s all the same, I’d prefer to keep my location anonymous.

At least for now.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I know. Just a hypothetical question

The Cloaked Schemer: I’d like to say yes.

But for all I know, you’re actually a forty year old serial killer who lives in his mother’s basement.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: harsh

You listen to 2 many true crime podcasts 

Anyway, I g2g. See if the roomie will let me back in. Got homework.

The Cloaked Schemer: Enjoy your night, Arpeggio.

Hopefully one of us has a good one.

Demyx closed the app and repocketed his phone. He flopped back on the lounge couch, eyes squinting at the fluorescent lights above and his limbs ragdolling in uncomfortable directions. A good night, huh? It’d be better if he could spend time in his own room without having to engage in guerilla combat whenever he wanted to exist in his own space. Wishful thinking, he thought.

__________

      Ienzo stared at the chatlog open on his computer screen. The circle next to Arpeggio’s icon turned a dull gray, and the remaining bits of Ienzo’s hope for decent conversation dulled with it. He had finally caught up enough with his classwork to have some free time to spend, finally arranged to voice chat with Arpeggio, finally gotten Demyx to leave the god-forsaken room so he could have the one conversation he’d been looking forward to for weeks , and now… nothing. All that planning, gone to waste. Another wave of irritation hit him, and suddenly he was out of bed and grabbing his keys. He needed some tea.

Ienzo didn’t get tea at the coffee shop, despite his plans. The alluring, hipster scent of pumpkin spice hit his nose instead, and he caved before he could stop himself.

The college employed students as baristas in the campus coffee shop, as part of the work-study financial aid, so it wasn’t uncommon to see one’s peers at the shop. “Hey, Ienzo,” Riku said. It was getting late; chairs were already on top of all the tables. They’d met in Ienzo’s anthropology class.

“I’m not too late, am I?”

“I can bend the rules for you.” He went back behind the counter. “What’ll it be? Your usual?”

He blushed guiltily. “Pumpkin spice. Please.” Curse that glorious, wonderful scent.

He smirked. “Coming right up.”

“I know it’s dreadfully popular.”

“Yeah, cause it’s good ,” Riku said. “As long as you’re not one of those “half-caff, no whip, vanilla and almond, five shots” type of people.”

“Why complicate coffee so much?”

Riku handed him the paper cup. “At that point, just drink coffee-flavored syrup.” There was a pleasant lull for a moment. Riku began cleaning the espresso machine. “So why are you out so late? Don’t you have an early class tomorrow?”

Ienzo grimaced. “My roommate and I got into a fight.”

“...Again?”

“We are not well suited for each other.” A sigh. “I went to the Residence Life office to try and apply for another room, but the period for that is over. I was told, and I quote, “unless he’s hurting you, tough it out.””

Riku chuckled. 

“He is simply-- obnoxious ,” Ienzo continued, the pressing need to vent taking over. “Slobby, loud, and always around at precisely the most inopportune times. I was supposed to have a call with a good friend of mine, and it took some doing just to get him out.”

“Right, your Discord friend.”

“You have a good memory.” Ienzo swished the coffee around a little; it was slightly too hot to drink.

“The one you have a crush on,” Riku said with a grin.

Ienzo flushed painfully. “I do not have feelings for him,” he said.

“Dunno. You managed to bring that call up in almost every conversation we’ve had. If he was really just your friend, would you be that excited? Enough to hype about it for weeks?”

Ienzo shrugged. “I do not know where he’s from, I don’t know his real name, I don’t even know what he looks like. For all I know, he only uses he/him pronouns online.”

“And?”

“I just… see no reason to desire something I cannot have.”

Riku wiped at the counter. “Oh, don’t be so doom and gloom,” he said. “If the call matters so much, it’s going to happen eventually.”

“I know.” He smiled. “Well, thanks for the tea and sympathy. Er, coffee and sympathy.” 

“Any time.”

“Enjoy the rest of your night.”

“You too. Play nice.” 

“Just promise to bail me out if things go awry, will you?”

“Ha, on my salary?” Riku winked.

Ienzo left the coffee shop. He didn’t want to return to the dorms yet, but the fall night was calm and quiet. He checked his phone (maybe Arpeggio was free? Though he did say he had homework…).

As a stroke of luck, he had a message waiting for him.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I have a room again! \o/ 

the jerk was gone when I got back!

The Cloaked Schemer: How fortunate for you. I assume you’re flying through your homework now?

Mel0d10us N0cturn3: nope! :p 

this science paper is kicking my ass!

Im really no good at this sort of thing

The Cloaked Schemer: Do you have any tutors available? Ordinarily I’d love to help but it might be easier and more private to go there instead.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: \o/

We actually do have one of those tutoring centers I think! Thanks for the idea!

Don't want you to waste your special brain-powers on little ol’ me lol

The Cloaked Schemer: I’d hardly call helping you a waste of my “special brain powers.”

It’s not a bad idea to check your local resources though.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: o7

Don’t think I’m gonna make any progress on this paper tonight tho lol

The Cloaked Schemer: Giving up already? I didn’t have you pegged for a quitter.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Awww, come on! Don’t guilt meeee

My poor brain!

It’s mush!

;-; will you not spare some mercy for my poor mushy brain?

The Cloaked Schemer: I suppose just this once, provided you use your resources and go to the tutoring center.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: o7 Yes sir !

First thing in the morning!

My mushy brain thanks you for your mercy and endless kindness!

Ienzo’s cheeks grew warm, but whether it was from the message on the screen or the sip of pumpkin spice coffee currently running down his throat, he neither knew nor was willing to explore.

Despite the late hour, there were plenty of students milling about campus, taking up their little spaces. It had taken him some time to find an empty bench to sit on, but one eventually caught his eye and he claimed it immediately, sitting down with his coffee in one hand and phone in the other.

The sky was inky black, dotted with stars, the sun long gone by now. Nights were starting to grow just a tad chilly, the beginnings of autumn seeping into the atmosphere. It was Ienzo’s favorite season and the aroma of pumpkin spice wafting past his nose was just what he needed to make up for the disappointment of having his voice call with Arpeggio abruptly cancelled.

Well, maybe not entirely. He’d been really looking forward to hearing Arpeggio’s voice for the first time, but this did nicely enough, he supposed. It was better than sitting around stewing in annoyance over his damned roommate anyway.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: so what are you up to right now?

The Cloaked Schemer: It’s a lovely night out. I needed some tea. Got coffee instead.

What is it about pumpkin spice that’s so irresistible? 

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Never wouldve pictured YOU as a devotee of the PSL.

The Cloaked Schemer: Guilty pleasure. 

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: theyre so good. I can’t have that many of them cause caffeine makes me SLEEPY

The Cloaked Schemer: Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me at all.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: whats that supposed to mean?

The Cloaked Schemer: Nothing derogatory, I assure you.

Though the idea of you being hopped up on caffeine amuses me.

You seem like one of those people who has energy all the time.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: i wish

The Cloaked Schemer: I should--begrudgingly--head back to my room.

You should try working on that paper.

I mean it about the tutor.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: yeah, yeah. I hear ya

Hopefully your roommates not being a dick anymore

The Cloaked Schemer: Fat chance. M3l0d10us N0cturn3: enjoy your coffee~~

__________

      Demyx sat for a long time looking at that exchange. He could’ve heard Zexion say those words. He was just so painfully smart, but Demyx could listen to him say anything. About anything. For hours.

He showered and got ready for bed, hoping that Ienzo would stay gone. But as it was, he was back. Ienzo scowled in greeting.

“Nice to see you too,” Demyx muttered. He noticed the coffee cup Ienzo had set down. Ienzo seemed to live on caffeine and spite. 

“I needed to clear my head, as I do not have the luxury of privacy.”

“Well I gotta sleep somewhere,” Demyx said. He crawled into bed. Ienzo rolled his eyes. Demyx saw him grab his own shower caddy and head out to the communal bathroom. He thought he smelled--he blinked. Slowly, ever so slowly, he got up, crossed over to the cup, and sniffed it.

Of course he likes pumpkin spice lattes, Demyx thought bitterly. Ugh.

He went back to bed and fell asleep listening to music.

__________

      The universe thought it was just so funny. Demyx had taken Zexion’s advice and the tutor he’d met with was his jerk of a roommate. At least Ienzo was unhappy too, if the scowl on his insufferably nerdy face was anything to go by.

“What are you doing here?” Demyx blurted before he could stop himself.

“I work here,” his jerk of a roommate answered in response, “as a tutor, for my work study. I take it your procrastinating finally caught up to you and you need some last-minute help?” Did he really have to be so damn condescending though?

Demyx hiked his backpack strap a bit higher on his shoulder and rapped his fingers on the tutoring center's reception desk. Ienzo could glare daggers at him all he wanted from his seat at the computer behind the desk, but the curious eyes of the other tutors and students around meant that he would have to maintain decorum. They both would, lest Ienzo lose his job and Demyx lose his tutoring privileges. He took a deep breath. "I need help with a biology paper."

Ienzo's expression tightened. "Would you like to make an appointment?"

"No? You said it yourself: this is last-minute." Demyx tapped on the desk. "I need to talk to the science tutor on duty, please."

"It seems like we're both out of luck tonight, then," Ienzo replied dryly, absently clicking at something on the computer monitor. "I'm the science tutor on duty at the moment."

"You? Gross." 

"I'm not particularly happy about it right now, either."

Demyx considered his options, and cringed at his conclusions. His paper was due in two days, and it was only half-drafted. Without a passing grade on the assignment, he would set himself up to fail the class. Petty squabbles were not worth the hit to his GPA. He sighed. "Well, can you help? I'm kind of desperate, here."

Ienzo returned the sigh. "Fine. Follow me."

Demyx followed Ienzo around the reception desk to a square table in the far corner, a plastic chair on each side. Ienzo alighted onto the seat closest to the wall. "This better not be a waste of time."

Demyx pulled his laptop out of his backpack before sitting down across from Ienzo. "Has anyone ever told you that you have excellent people skills? Because if they did, they lied to you."

Ienzo rolled his eyes. Yep , Demyx thought, amazing people skills. They were off to a great start. Getting through this paper was going to be agony. "I'm paid to tutor, not practice social niceties."

The laptop screen lit up as Demyx swiped one finger over the trackpad. A screenshot from one of his more memorable raids in Verum Rex guarded the rest of his files behind his login password. Demyx typed his password as quickly as he could, shooing the image of his and Zexion's avatars away before Ienzo could ask any unwanted questions. Evidently, he did not type fast enough. 

“Verum Rex? You're familiar with it?” 

Demyx nearly jumped, shoulders tensing. He knew Ienzo was there; that shouldn’t have startled him as badly as it had.

“Duh? It's only the best MMO on the market right now. Not that you would know, since you're so committed to the whole 'smug asshole' thing,” He snarked on reflex, feeling slightly guilty about it afterwards. Ienzo was being friendly for once, or was at least making something of an attempt at it. Yikes. Demyx wasn't usually one to make low blows like that. He opened the Biology folder on his computer and selected the draft of his paper, making an effort to get along with Ienzo while they were forced to sit together. "Please help me with this? If you would be so kind, please?" Demyx made praying-hands in Ienzo's direction in apology.

Eyebrow rising - was it just one, or both? - Ienzo shot him a look, obviously unamused in the slightest. “If you’re trying to be cute, it’s not going to work.”

Demyx pouted and opened up his biology paper, turning the laptop toward Ienzo. “Fine, fine, just help me?”

Rolling his eyes yet again, Ienzo was just about to lean in to read what Demyx had so far, when the familiar sound of a Discord ping had Demyx scrambling to turn the laptop back toward himself. Shit. He’d forgotten to close his Discord window before showing up at the tutoring center.

While Demyx closed the Discord app, Ienzo watched him carefully, contemplative. “You use Discord?”

Turning the laptop back, Demyx gave him a look, half in disbelief because surely Ienzo was too much of a nerd, but not in the cool way, to know what Discord was, and yet he did. Shit, it would be really awkward to end up in a server together. “Yeah, who doesn’t use Discord these days? I mean, especially if you play games or are into, I dunno, any fan community stuff.”

For a moment, Ienzo said nothing, slowly turning to look at Demyx’s biology paper on the screen. “Alright, let’s see what we have to work with so far, if anything.”

Demyx sighed. Asshole.

__________

      Was this some kind of joke? Ienzo was being pranked, wasn’t he? Any moment now Demyx would start laughing about wasting his time and walk out, like the lazy slacker he was. Halfway through, he half collapsed on the table.

“This is impossible,” Demyx whined. “You don’t really understand this stuff, do you? You’ve gotta be lying.”

Ienzo felt his eye twitch. “Not all of us are lazy fools who give up after 15 minutes. Why are you even here?”

“Because my friend said I should, and I trust his advice. He never leads me wrong, so even if I have to spend time with you , I’m gonna do this.” 

"Your friend sounds like he has the sense that you very much lack," Ienzo deadpanned, scrolling through Demyx's paper. He took stock of the misformatted section headings, missing in-text citations, and the off-center data table in the middle of the mess. The topic of the paper did not appear in any of Demyx's written work. "Can you tell me what this assignment is supposed to be? I can't tell from what you've given me."

"It's…" Demyx shrank back in his seat. "I don't know what it's supposed to be. My professor gave us all a table of data-results-things and told us to organize and analyze them. I don't know what he wants, exactly."

Ienzo huffed, and almost slammed Demyx's computer closed on the spot. Thankfully, his better faculties kept him from breaking Demyx's laptop. "There's your problem. You can't complete an assignment if you don't know what the assignment is . Email your professor for clarification and request an extension. If you do it early enough, they might grant you leniency."

"Really? That's your advice? Beg my way out of it?"

"Not begging. Requesting. It shows forethought, self-awareness, and emotional maturity, even if you don't actually possess any of those things. The adage of faking proficiency to gain proficiency has some truth to it." Ienzo pushed the laptop over to Demyx. "Is there anything else I can help with?"

Demyx's arms crossed, and his expression took on the quality of a betrayed toddler. "You didn't even help me with what I came in for, asshole."

Ienzo waved away Demyx's indignation with a dismissive hand. "There's only so much I, or any tutor, can do without having a good idea of what your professor expects. Emailing is the best advice I can give right now."

"So if I email my professor, you’ll help me?” 

“I give you my word.” A promise made in haste, if only to appease the barest responsibilities of his job. Hopefully Demyx wouldn’t make him live to regret it.

Not long after Demyx was gone, Ienzo checked his Discord app, surreptitiously on his phone behind the reception desk, to find a message from Arpeggio.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Zexy, this worst thing ever just happened!

My roommate is my tutor!

Save meeeeeee

The Cloaked Schemer: That is peculiar. Though colleges are small worlds, so I hear.

What did he have to say re: the paper?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Ugh he couldn’t even help

Because I had licherally no idea what the professor wants

I mean, the dude has an F on ratemyprofessor so

He said to email and beg for clarity and an extension

The Cloaked Schemer: ...That is sound advice, actually.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Youre taking his side???

The Cloaked Schemer: Not exactly.

But in academic situations, it always looks good on you to take the initiative and seek help when you need it.

I guarantee the professor will work with you, and perhaps be able to refine that same assignment in the future.

If he’s worth his salt, he’s seeking to improve himself the way you are.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I GUESS

You wanna do a raid tonite? 

The Cloaked Schemer: Alas, I, too, am a college student with coursework.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: RUDE

Ienzo leaned back in his chair in the campus library. How coincidental, he thought. He’d just given Demyx the same advice. Then again, college papers--especially in the sciences--were not always diverse on the gen ed level. He recalled Demyx’s paper; he should’ve asked him to see the email, or post, or handout with the assignment on it. Chances are the moron had merely misunderstood.

Demyx liked Verum Rex. Perhaps they could have this to talk about. Ienzo wondered who he mained. Probably Yozora, he thought with a sneer. 

The Cloaked Schemer: Actually, I can do one raid.

ONE. Brief. Raid.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Thats more like it! \o/

One raid turned into two, then Ienzo ended up staying in the library, at the tutoring center, until it closed.

__________

      Demyx begrudgingly took Ienzo’s advice. After his marathon raid session with Zexion, he sent a brief email--agonizing over the wording--to his professor, who responded almost instantly with an apology. Several students had already asked him about the assignment, it turned out, so he was going to extend the entire class’s deadline. But if Demyx needed a few days after that, he could have it.

“You were right,” Demyx murmured out loud, as he read the email the next morning. 

“Of course I was,” Ienzo said, not looking up from his desk. “See? All it takes is a little maturity.”

The irony. Demyx grimaced. He looked over at him. “So you’ll help me?”

“When--and only when--I am on duty,” he said. “I have a life outside of work, you know.”

Demyx wondered how true that was. Ienzo spent a lot of the time in the room if he were not in class or in the library. Did he have friends? Did he go to societies? He nearly asked. Then he looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time in weeks. He had bags under his eyes, and was washed out, books spread in a circle around him. “Outside of studying, too?”

Ienzo opened his mouth, then shut it. “I am not here to socialize. I am here for a degree.”

“But don’t you… have any friends?”

“Of course I do,” Ienzo said, just a little too quickly. 

Like he would honestly tell Demyx. “Sure,” he said, shutting his laptop and tucking it into his bag. “Well. I got class. I’ll see you at the center later?”

“Much to my chagrin,” Ienzo responded evenly.

Demyx’s day was ordinary other than that. After the professor clarified what he wanted in class (and, to Demyx’s immense relief, it was much less daunting than what he’d thought), he stopped by the library to check out some books which might point him in a vague direction. Ienzo could tell him if they were any good. He stopped by the coffee shop to grab a croissant and a coffee, and, on impulse, got one for Ienzo as well. The idea of it made him nervous. Maybe I’ll say they made an extra by mistake, he thought. He already knew Ienzo drank them.

There Ienzo was, sitting in the office. “It’s you,” he said in an unreadable tone.

“It’s me.” He cleared his throat. “Um…” He thrust out the coffee without saying anything else.

“Is this for me?”

“Uh, yeah.” He felt his face heat--though why? 

Ienzo took it, looking confused, and sniffed the small hole in the lid. “Oh,” he said softly.

“I wasn’t sure if you liked--”

“No. I do. That was kind of you.” He blinked, his expression odd, slackened; Demyx realized it was without malice. “Let’s get to work, shall we? I don’t want this to take any longer than it has to.”

Ienzo helped him structure the paper, and reviewed proper citations with him. It would take a little work, but seeing it outlined, Demyx felt a lot less overwhelmed. Something he thought was a mammoth project would maybe take an hour or two to write.

“Once you have it written, come back and I can help you with grammar and syntax,” Ienzo said.

“Awesome.” He took a deep breath. “I feel… a lot better now.”

“One typically does when one stops procrastinating,” Ienzo said. He leaned back in his seat. For a second--but just one--he sounded like Zexion, all firm and proper, genteel without being rigid.

__________

      "You got your grade back already?"

Demyx beamed as he held his laptop screen-out, his browser logged into the university's online grading system. One score was listed under BIO 101, labelled "Paper 1." The percentage displayed next to the assignment name was higher than Ienzo expected from Demyx. "I didn't completely fail!" he practically cheered.

"So you didn't," Ienzo agreed, nodding slightly at the number from his desk. "It's amazing what a bit of work will do."

Demyx dropped himself onto his bed and turned his laptop. He bounced on the mattress a few times while he looked at the number. "This is the best news I've gotten all semester and it's the best feeling. Is this what it's like to be a genius and get good grades all the time?"

Ienzo returned his attention to his own laptop, where a half-drafted essay mocked him with its blinking text cursor and nonsensical thesis statement. He clacked another line of bullshit into the document. It was for English class, he reminded himself. Any answer was correct if it could be argued well. "No, not really. You get used to it."

"I… I should thank you," Demyx said, after a beat of silence. "For your help. I wouldn't have had anything to turn in at all if you hadn't told me to email my professor."

Another line of bullshit trailed across the screen. Ienzo squinted at it, unsure of what he had typed. "Don't mention it. It's my job."

"But still. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Ienzo could hear Demyx shuffling on his bed. "So… you play Verum Rex?"

"Fairly regularly, yes."

"Do you do raids or multiplayer at all?"

Ienzo shot Demyx a warning glance. "I already have a raiding group. I'm not looking for another one."

Across the room, Demyx had tucked himself into bed, his Star Wars sheets pulled all the way up to his chin. He blinked at Ienzo unceremoniously. "Jeez, forget I asked. No need to be snippy about it."

Demyx's head disappeared under the covers, and Ienzo returned his attention to his essay. At least, he tried. The Discord notifications in the corner of his screen kept distracting him.

Eventually, Ienzo admitted defeat and opened Discord. All of the messages were from Arpeggio.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: hey, do we have an opening on our raiding party?

Zexion?

Oh nvm he said no

What are you up to?

I'm taking a victory nap after getting a good grade on that paper I had to 

write a while back

My roommate is typing something and he's so loud

What is he writing that makes him so angy

The Cloaked Schemer: I am also typing angrily at something

It is a universal collegiate experience

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: still so angy tho

Are you angy atm?

The Cloaked Schemer: I am… frustrated

I'm meant to be dissecting the themes in a short story but I feel like I'm only spewing garbage on the page

Perhaps if I present the garbage with enough conviction, I will be able to maneuver through this class

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: if youre writing it, it's definitely not garbage :P

you need to have more confidence in yourself, Zexy

The Cloaked Schemer: Ha. I think my roommate would disagree

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: well then he's a bum

Tell him that

Arpeggio says so

Ienzo looked back at Demyx, cocooned in spaceship bed sheets and doing who-knows-what under the cover of bed linens. He thought he saw the flash of a phone screen through the fabric, but the light disappeared as quickly as he caught it.

The Cloaked Schemer: I'll pass. He seems busy.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Busy doing what? Bum things?

The Cloaked Schemer: I certainly hope not. We're in the same room right now.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: oh. Awkward

The Cloaked Schemer: I’ll say.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: so you know ive been thinking

The Cloaked Schemer: Have you? What a concept.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: ha ha.

Its been a while since we tried voice chatting

Maybe we could try again?

The Cloaked Schemer: You would want that?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I want to hear your voice. To see if youre actually as smart as you write

Maybe youve got, like, a transatlantic accent, or something. Thatd be cool

Ienzo blinked, staring hard at the screen. His heart beat a little faster. It was so hard to determine tone through text. 

The Cloaked Schemer: Maybe I’m not as cool as I seem.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: highly, HIGHLY doubt it

Youve kept me sane

I really appreciate our

Ienzo saw him type “thing” and then frenetically edit to “friendship.” He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

The Cloaked Schemer: The feeling is mutual.

A long, long pause. Ienzo did not know what else to say. His face was burning.

The Cloaked Schemer: Normally I’d rather be caught dead than admit this.

But it does get somewhat lonely here.

It’s nice to have someone to talk to.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: I know what u mean

Sometimes i feel like i dont really know who i am

And like college is supposed to be about finding that

But its hard.

The Cloaked Schemer: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Part of why it’s so easy to exist in online spaces, in games. Appearance doesn’t matter. It’s like being a more concentrated version of oneself.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Do u feel like a more concentrated version of yourself?

The Cloaked Schemer: When I talk to you.

Ienzo’s heart was pounding. He thought he heard Demyx sigh across the room. Was he typing too hard?

Arpeggio started and stopped typing several times, just making Ienzo more nervous. What is he going to say? Did I push it too hard? Was I too forward?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Me too, Zexion

I wish we knew each other. Like, irl

Getting to do raids in person

That would be so fun

And i dunno, maybe do other things

Go out to eat. Go to the movies. Maybe go dancing.

Do u like clubs?

The Cloaked Schemer: I’ve never been.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: it takes some getting used to

But the energy of a crowd is electric

Especially with people you know

Oh god oh god oh god , Ienzo thought. His hands were trembling. 

The Cloaked Schemer: Where would we go to eat?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: anywhere you want

Well. on a college students budget anyway

-laughs in poor

The Cloaked Schemer: Ah, so, five star cuisine, then.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Just dont order the lobster

In all seriousness. We need to vc sometime

The Cloaked Schemer: Yes.

There’s going to be a raid event on Saturday. Perhaps then?

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Depends on if i have the room :/ 

Wanna say yes so bad

The Cloaked Schemer: I know the feeling.

I suppose if I get desperate enough I can rent out a study cubicle in the library.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Awww you’d do that for little ol’ me?

The Cloaked Schemer: Yes, I

His finger slipped, hitting the enter key a moment too soon before he could even finish the thought in his head. His hands felt almost clammy, the inner mechanizations of his mind working on overdrive, as if trying to race against the pitter-patter beat of his heart. Shit. Perhaps… Riku was right after all? Had Ienzo, usually so level-headed, actually developed a crush on Arpeggio? It was utterly nonsensical, and yet he couldn’t deny that he felt a comfort with Arpeggio that he didn’t feel with anyone else he knew, online or offline. Was it possible to fall- ...to develop a smattering of feelings for someone based on typed text alone?

Well, wasn’t that a theme in literature? Two people falling in love over written letters? For all Ienzo knew, there could very well have been instances of it happening in real life, in the days of old, long, long before the age of technology and the internet. A pair of penpals, miles and miles of distance between them, communicating through the written word; it could happen, couldn’t it?

Hold on. When the hell did he turn into a sap ? Frowning, Ienzo ran a hand over his face, feeling like a lovestruck fool.

No. No, this couldn’t be a crush. Just because it was so easy to talk to him, just because they’d been talking for a year or so by now, it didn’t mean-

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Zexy?

You ok?

Shit, how long had he zoned out for? 

The Cloaked Schemer: Sorry. Got distracted.

But regardless, I think we should aim for Saturday.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Great!

Hoping we don’t get interrupted by our dick roomies

The Cloaked Schemer: Quite. It’s a date, then.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Yes :3

Ienzo took a deep breath. Regardless as to whether or not this was practical, it seemed that Arpeggio reciprocated his flirting.

Wait. Ienzo looked at the screen, cheeks heating up as he realized he’d typed the word ‘date,’ and Arpeggio said ‘yes .’ He couldn’t deny the little flutter of his stomach in that moment.

__________

      Demyx set his phone aside, his heart beating heavily in his chest, his face bright red. He swallowed. There was no way sleep would come easily now, and it probably wouldn’t be until Saturday.

He thought about the nature of crushes. He’d never seen Zexy’s face, or heard his voice, but he was so adept at weaving words in the way Demyx wanted to be with music. He tried to imagine him, what he might be like.

He rolled onto his back. Ienzo’s frenetic, noisy typing had stopped. Demyx sat up, rubbed his eyes, and pretended he’d been napping the whole time. “You good?”

Ienzo shut his computer quickly, like he’d been doing something questionable. “Yes. Fine.” He was a little out of breath. What the hell had he been writing?

Demyx blinked. “I’m gonna go get a coffee,” he said instead. “Want me to bring you one back?”

“Sure,” Ienzo said, his face flushed.

Demyx shook his head. Well. If Ienzo needed to take care of that he had at least a few minutes now. “Cool.”

The whole time he was at the coffee shop, he kept thinking about Zexion, all their little conversations. It was evolving, and evolving fast. Demyx knew from brief experimentation with dating apps that just because a person sent you some flirty words didn’t mean anything would come of it. For all he knew, Zexion lived in New Zealand, or something.

That didn’t stop him from wanting it.

He drew a deep breath, exhaled. Well. Saturday he would find out.

Demyx wasn’t going to let Ienzo ruin his chances of meeting Zexion. He decided to strike preemptively, pausing at the door of their dorm room and sucking in a breath, steeling himself. He could do this. He could ask his roommate for the room for one night, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Hey, so, I have a thing Saturday,” he said vaguely. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t coming off as strongly as he intended, but he could still try. “Mind if I hang here alone for a few hours?”

Ienzo glanced up. The flush was gone, and he seemed much more composed. “Yes, that’s fine. I was going to go study anyway.”

“Study? Don’t you ever have any fun?”

“Perhaps I find studying fun,” Ienzo said.

“Suit yourself.” As he passed on his way back to the bed, he saw out of the corner of his eye that Ienzo had Discord open.

__________

     Friday night, Demyx barely slept. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. Crushes didn’t usually… hit him this hard. It’s dumb. It’s so dumb. His loneliness was getting to him. Even Saturday morning, there were some hours until the events started. He looked at his DM history with Zexion. They’d spoken briefly, only to confirm a time and place for their characters to meet and chat. He sat at his desk, his hands trembling, as the game booted up.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: You ready?

The Cloaked Schemer: Of course.

M3l0d10us N0cturn3: Cool.

My mic isnt like great

But you can still hear me

He was shaking. He was shaking. “Get it together,” he muttered to himself.

The Cloaked Schemer: You’re a broke college student. I’m not expecting a professional setup here.

Though I will say my booth is pleasantly soundproofed.

Let me connect.

And Demyx thought his heart might stop. I’m so gay, he thought. A second later he heard that familiar call connection. He twitched a little, and his mic clattered loudly on the floor. Shit!

“Arpeggio? Are you alright?”

“I just dropped the--”

A long, long pause.

He knew that voice.

“Zexion?” He picked up the mic and set it down.

“Arpeggio?”

“I dropped the mic.” Demyx swallowed.

“You…” Zexion fumbled for words. “Speak a little more, please.”

“Is that really you?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re in a library right now.”

“And you had an event… Saturday.” 

“Ohh my god,” Demyx mumbled. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, just that he was feeling a lot of it. “Ienzo. You’re Zexion?”

“It’s an anagram,” he said, his tone numb.

“Seriously, this whole time--”

“Evidently.”

He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but at the same time, there was something warm in his chest.

Wait, no. No. This was Ienzo, and they hated each other--

Demyx realized he was panicking. He also, vaguely, in the back of his mind, realized the call had disconnected.

Demyx spent the next few minutes desperately trying to control his breathing, trying to not focus on how Zexion- No, Ienzo- was so disgusted it was him that he’d immediately dropped the call.

Of course. Of fucking course. The universe hated him. The universe had it out for him, surely. Why else would this have happened? He finally meets this sweet, smart, wonderful guy who takes him seriously and actually likes talking to him, on a regular basis , and then… And then… It turns out to be the very same roommate who hates him. That would just be his damned luck, wouldn’t it?

Grabbing his pillow, Demyx face-planted into it, pressing it furiously against his eyes to stop them from burning, to stop the tears that threatened to spill. Of all the people it could’ve been. Why Ienzo ? 

Demyx had been nervous enough as it was, afraid the person on the other end would think him annoying - his voice, his tone, the way he just couldn’t fucking shut up sometimes when he got excited about something. Alternatively, the filter between his brain and his mouth was immensely weaker than the filter between his brain and his fingers, and he could’ve said the wrong thing, unable to stop himself in the same way his hand can catch itself on the enter key before hitting it, or quickly delete the message before Zexion could read it.

But this was so much worse, because Ienzo already knew him, already had an impression of him, and that impression was far from good. It’s no wonder he disconnected the call so suddenly. He likely couldn’t stand hearing the truth any longer, stomach churning with disgust, head filled to bursting with regret, and not just regret over the voice call, but everything .

An almost entire year’s worth of conversations, soiled now, because Demyx was, well, Demyx . A slob. A slacker. An idiot. He wasn’t worth Ienzo’s time, and now he knew he wasn’t worth Zexion’s.

A sharp ache spread over his chest, cold and numbing, all of him tense with it. He… liked Zexion. He very genuinely liked him, so excited to get to talk to him, his bristling nerves aside. All week he’d thought about it, daydreaming, wondering what the person on the other end would sound like, if he’d love that voice as much as he loved the text on his Discord screen.

It no longer mattered, not when it was now clear that Zexion - no, Ienzo , was utterly disgusted with him.

It was over. It was all over - their friendship, a year’s worth of personal conversations, these budding feelings he was beginning to have, or that he’s been having for a while now…

On the flipside, was Demyx disappointed that it turned out to be Ienzo? He… didn’t know the answer to that, still reeling in the fact that Zexion, his dear friend and crush, hated him. The pillow was starting to suffocate him and he instinctively pulled it away from his face, eyes still burning. He sucked in some deep breaths and just when he was finally on the cusp of calming down, his door swung open so fast Demyx feared it’d break off the hinges. 

Ienzo leveled him with a determined stare. “You.”

__________

      Ienzo sat.

And sat.

And stared, and sat some more.

He was dizzy. Slowly, so slowly, all the pieces clicked together. The coffee. The references to Verum Rex. How they were always just missing each other. The whole tutoring scenario. Good god . So this person he’d been harboring feelings for this whole time was--

He pressed a hand to his forehead. And yet, a small part of him… was relieved?

It could be…

No, it couldn’t be anything! They hated each other! They’d complained to each other about each other more times than Ienzo could count. They had--

Ienzo felt the walls of the study booth begin to close in around him, pushing the breathable air out of the room. His ribcage constricted around his lungs, and his heartbeat pounded at his temples. He gathered his laptop and microphone in his arms and burst out of the room, chest heaving.

He braced himself against the outer wall of the study booth and willed himself to breathe normally, his head tilted all the way back to rest on the door. This was real life, and he was fine. He would be fine, anyway, with a bit of finessing. Okay, perhaps a little more than a bit.

Ienzo retrieved his backpack and stowed his equipment inside as he analyzed the situation. Arpeggio and Demyx were the same person. A strange revelation, but not world-ending. He could find another raiding party. He could join another server. There was more than one person with whom to play Verum Rex.

But--

Ienzo caught himself zipping and unzipping the top pocket of his backpack, more forcefully than necessary each time. A new server didn't sound appealing. A new raiding party, even less so. He would have to chat with new people, learn their idiosyncrasies and fighting styles, learn their pseudonyms and remember how they differed from their usernames. It all sounded so… hard, and boring, and unnecessary. 

He zipped his backpack closed for the last time and held it at his side by its tiny top handle. Its back straps kicked at his calves as he raced out of the study area, through the main lobby, and into the courtyard. His mind was set. His choice was clear. The only thing to do was follow through.

Ienzo made a beeline back to the room. He found Demyx sitting cross-legged on his own bed, his computer accessorized with a small budget microphone and his face awash with something that looked like guilt. His eyes widened when Ienzo crossed the threshold. 

"You." Ienzo's statement rang out like a gong.

Demyx swallowed. "Yeah?"

"We need to talk." Ienzo shut the door behind himself. It slammed closed, though Ienzo had not intended for that. 

"...yeah." Demyx turned back to his computer, fiddling at the USB port where his microphone connected to the rest of the machine. "Ienzo, I--"

"Shut up." Ienzo stalked into the room, single-minded. He stopped at the edge of Demyx's bed. "Shut up and listen, for once."

Demyx's shoulders rose to his ears. He stayed quiet.

Ienzo dropped his backpack to the floor. Though his fingers trembled, his resolve held firm. The moment of reckoning was upon him. "Did you know?"

Demyx shook his head.

"Did you want to know?"

He responded in a whisper, pained and hushed. "I wanted to meet Zexion."

Ienzo's hands trembled faster. He balled them into fists to compensate. "And now that you know," he said, "do you regret it? Wanting to know? Learning the truth?"

A tear trailed down Demyx's downcast cheek. "No."

Something deep inside Ienzo wanted to reach out and wipe away the tears that followed, while Demyx's breath caught in gasps over his laptop keyboard. Ienzo steeled himself. "I… don't regret it, either."

"You don't?" Demyx looked up and met Ienzo's gaze with caution. Aside from the red tinge at their edges, his eyes looked almost hopeful. 

Ienzo softened, relaxed his fists. "I don't want to find a new server, or a new raiding party."

Sniffling, Demyx nodded. "I don't, either."

"I don't want to stop talking to Arpeggio," Ienzo continued, his heart playing timpanis in his chest. "He is a close friend of mine."

"He's also your lazy roommate." Another tear escaped, this time going down the side of Demyx's nose. Demyx wiped at it with the heel of his hand. "Ienzo, I--"

"We've had differences. We've also had commonalities, albeit in virtual space. There's no reason we cannot bring the two together."

"Ienzo--"

"There's no reason we should be at each other's throats. We--"

"Ienzo!" 

He blinked. The drum performance in his chest missed a beat, then started from the top at full speed. "Yes?"

Demyx unplugged the microphone from his computer, sighed, and tossed it to the far edge of his bed. "I don't think that will work."

Ienzo frowned and crossed his arms. He was beginning to remember why he and Demyx didn't get along in meatspace. "Why, pray tell, is that?" he asked.

Demyx swallowed again, more conspicuously than before. "It's just… I…"

Ienzo leaned forward, his head cocked to the side. "You what?"

"I, um, I…"

"Go on. I don't have all night."

Demyx pushed his computer aside and drew his knees into his chest. "I… shit. I had a thing for Zexion." His shoulders hitched with sardonic laughter. "Shit. Fuck. This sucks." He reached behind himself for his pillow and buried his face in it. "This is so embarrassing," he whined, his voice muffled.

Ienzo's budding anger deflated. "You… you did?"

Demyx nodded into his pillow. "Uh-huh. And now you know, too."

Ienzo opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't make the words in his head form coherent phrases. His throat sputtered with half-formed consonants instead. Words. For fuck’s sake, wasn’t he good at words? Why was this suddenly so damn hard?

"This is the worst," Demyx groaned. "Just kill me now. Make it look like an accident. Tell my family I loved them. Don't let my sister take my bedroom at home."

Ienzo's faculties returned in the bumbling, clumsy way that drunkards stumbled home from dank local pubs. "I... don't think that will be necessary," Ienzo managed, through his own confusion.

"No?" Demyx put his pillow back in its place, and faced Ienzo with dried saline clumping in his eyelashes. "What, are you gonna torture me instead? Make me regret being born? Because you're a little late on that front, buddy, I already do."

Ienzo took a deep breath. His crossed arms dropped to his side, then held each other at the elbows. "I may have developed… similar feelings. For Arpeggio." Ienzo's mouth went dry. The drum performance upgraded itself to a full marching band drumline, twenty-five snare drums pounding paradiddles and rolls in synchronized sweeps. 

A silence consumed the space between them, interrupted only by Demyx's sniffling and Ienzo's heartbeat. It stretched into the abyss and the stratosphere in equal measure, and stung more acutely than the idea of never speaking to Arpeggio again.

Demyx broke the silence by clearing his throat. "So…"

Ienzo coughed. "So..."

"Are we…" Demyx unfolded his legs and swung them over the side of his bed. His hands grasped at his mattress, and his head hung from his shoulders  "Are we, y'know… do we still, like…"

"Do you want to be?" Ienzo shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Friends, cohorts, party members, server mutuals? Or…"

"Or what?" 

"Or…" Ienzo trailed off. Or what, indeed? Friends with benefits? Significant others? Boyfriends? The mere thought made Ienzo's palms sweat. "Or…"

In the moment between Ienzo's efforts to name his emotions and act on them, Demyx had sprung up from the bed and slipped his hands around the sides of Ienzo's face, his thumbs resting just below the apples of Ienzo's cheeks. His breath tickled at Ienzo's nose and lips. "Or… this?"

Heat seared at every inch of Ienzo's face. If he could feel Demyx's breath, Demyx could feel his as well. "...I suppose, yes."

"In that case," Demyx murmured, somehow purring and wavering at the same time, "tell me no." He rested his forehead on Ienzo's. "Tell me no, and we won't. I promise. Things can go back to normal."

A whimper, wholly undignified and unbidden, escaped from Ienzo's higher register. "I can't," he whispered.

Demyx leaned forward, and Ienzo followed. At some point, they met in the middle, and the world's axis shifted two degrees to the left. It was a tentative press of lips, but Demyx’s hands on his face kept him anchored. It didn’t feel like Ienzo thought it would, and self-consciousness invaded. Suddenly Ienzo felt very young and immature; vulnerable .

But… after a moment or so, not so much. Demyx was so warm against him, and Ienzo realized it was a learning curve, one he was picking up with his usual speed. He was shaking a little in disbelief. It was so-- nice.

Demyx pulled away and brushed his fingers across his cheek. "You're trembling."

"Forgive me. I--" He swallowed.

"No, it's cool." Demyx pulled away and smiled, brighter than Ienzo had ever seen someone smile before. "Do you… want to go again?"

Ienzo did, very much so. "I'm not opposed, per se, but I think we should… explore our relationship a bit. Perhaps starting with our mutual interest in pumpkin spice flavors." 

“Sounds like a plan to me, Zexy,” Demyx grinned.

__________

      Riku set the pair of pumpkin spice lattes down on the little square table in the back corner of the coffeeshop, glancing at Ienzo, then Demyx, then back at Ienzo, one eyebrow shooting up into his hair. “Is the world ending? Did I miss a memo on the corkboard in the back room?”

Ienzo coughed. He was vaguely aware of the heat rising in his cheeks. Damn it all to hell. Of course Riku was here, why would it have been anyone else? Sighing, he gestured to Demyx, bracing himself for the inevitable bit of humiliation, courtesy of the one friend who knew about his very apparent crush on his Discord friend. “Riku, meet Arpeggio.”

Riku’s other eyebrow shot up into his hair. “You’re shitting me.”

Demyx looked across the table at Zexion, clearly trying to fight the incoming of a shit-eating grin. “You talked about me to people?”

"Only the unimportant ones," Ienzo said, picking up his cup and sipping loudly.

“Psh,” Riku spat with a roll of his eyes. “Yeah, and every damn minute of the day. If I had a dollar for every time you made heart eyes at the ceiling while talking about him, I could quit this job and pay off my tuition.”

Ienzo balked at that, nearly choking on his latte. “It was not that often.”

Waving a hand, Riku corrected himself, looking pointedly at Demyx. “Wait, no, he’s right. I’m forgetting that half the time, he’d be complaining about his horrible room-”

“Shouldn’t you be behind the counter?” Ienzo hissed, glaring at Riku. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Demyx’s gaze flicking between him, like he was watching a game of ping-pong. “Or should I text Sora and Kairi about all those little hearts you like to draw around their names on the garbage receipts every time they come in?”

"Go ahead. I'm ninety percent sure they're both into me, anyway."

Ienzo pulled his phone from his pocket and brandished it at Riku. "Are you willing to test that theory?"

"Make sure you write it down," Demyx chirped, blowing into the hole in his drink's lid. "If you write it down, it's science. I learned that in Biology this semester."

"I'll do more than that," Ienzo said, tapping on his phone screen with both hands. After his phone played a short 'whoosh' sound, he placed it face-down on the table. "Images sent. Now we wait for our results."

Riku scoffed, then balked, then turned beet-red. "You're an asshole," he hissed through his teeth.

"Relax. I was just kidding,” Ienzo said with a glint in his eye that Demyx barely caught.

"Forgive me if I’m a bit skeptical." Riku scowled for a moment, but eventually softened into a smirk. "Whatever. Enjoy your Discord date, Casanova." He knocked on the table once before returning to the checkout counter.

"Discord date?" Demyx asked, taking a swig of his pumpkin spice latte. "I thought we were hanging out in real life."

"Let's not split hairs. We're about to see a show." Ienzo jutted his chin in the direction of the cafe's front door. As if on cue, Sora and Kairi burst through it like a duo on a mission.

“Oh Riiiiiiiiku!” they chorused in sing-song at the top of their lungs.

"Sometimes," Ienzo said, turning back to Demyx, "I like to watch the world burn."

“Yeah, I know. That’s actually kind of hot,” Demyx admitted, taking another sip of his latte. "Remind me not to piss you off again, though."

[greyknighterotica]

NOTE- I tried to submit this anonymously but its like 4 times over the word count, and I decided not to be a coward and let you see who I am instead 😬😬 buckle up and grab a beverage because this is long and I’m sorry 😭🤣😅.

Hi Jack! HUGE fan here. My name is Nate, and this is going to be a bit different than the messages you’re used to, I think XD. First off, I want to say that I have been a listener of yours on and off for about four years I think? I found your tumblr shortly after I turned 18 I believe. Getting to hear you call me babygirl and learning about the world of BDSM through your incredible audios was so meaningful to me, and I’m had had a lasting impression on what turns me on/how I touch myself tbh /.\.

However, in that same span of time, I started to realize that I was not a cis female as I had always thought I was. For a while I was IDing as nonbinary, then I met my boyfriend-now fiancé, and last spring I came out as trans masculine, amidst much inner turmoil. So why is this relevant to you? As someone who is pansexual, aka attracted to all genders/attracted regardless of gender, I cannot deny how compelling you are, the way it feeling as if you aren’t talking to me, or even to my body per say, but like you found some sort of direct line to a part of me that is so deep and anchored within me that the instant I hear your voice, I relax and I know exactly what is about to happen. That said, it became increasingly more difficult to listen to your content as I started to notice how being addressed as female and using she/her pronouns etc made me uncomfortable in day to day, but also in a sexual context. Now I obviously do not expect you to chance what you’re doing, if I’m no longer the target demographic. I totally accept that. But to be honest? Those moments listening to your podcast way back when were really important in me figuring out who I really am. Also, that I am an absolute people pleaser in the bedroom, that I am waaaaay kinkier than I ever would have dreamed, and also that I have a Daddy kink that goes both ways depending on who I’m with ;). I try to channel your charisma and charm when I’m dominating someone, and I’ve only had the best results.

I guess all of this is just to say, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my......heart (and clit, lets be real) for being so incredible, so sexy, and so genuine!! I still go back and listen sometimes because I’m still hooked like everyone else, and because you are truly so daaaamn good at what you do. If you were ever open to writing/potentially commissioning a piece or two with no gendered language, (can’t promise I’ll be able to afford it tho so I won’t promise you money that I don’t have, and I support artists w/o expecting free shit), I’d be back in a heartbeat <3. That said, I truly hope that you are doing well and that this doesn’t come off as creepy! You aren’t into dudes (far as I know), and I respect that and wouldn’t want you to be attracted to me if that were the case (bcuz thatd be transphobic), so I will leave it there and I hope you have a wonderful weekend Daddy!!

PS- depending on how you respond to this, I may still submit some really hot pics i took yesterday (my ass and tits won’t quit despite me being a dude, lmao). 🥰😘💖

The question comes up from time to time, ‘why erotica for women?’ And it is especially poignant when mixed in with ‘but you are so good at not describing things like skin tone’ and ‘but you seem so open...’

So while I dearly hope you can continue to be a fan, all people who identify as non-binary or they/them or genderless or whatever manifestations of personality become commonplace--I have to make art for me.

Usually I’m pretty good at being on the dot with this. In 2020, you’ve seen the strain, and in periods where I’m just not feeling myself, I take time off.

The recurring them however is--I have to feel like me to make things. Without trying to be arrogant, let’s face it. I’m smart, and if I wanted to be, I could be a really canny liar. I could come up with good and convincing lies to present about how I feel or why.

I made a choice at the very beginning of this to not do that. To be more real than not.

Without getting into too many details, this has meant not seeing a number of clients who would happily see me again, not going after business relationships with people who misrepresent themselves, not phoning it in on pieces I make for easy money.

This is a long way of saying, I’m me. I choose to be me, in a way I fear many people choose not to be true to themselves in their day to day lives.

I want you to like my work, I want you to keep me as a fan, I want to turn you on.

Here’s a list of other things people said I must do to keep them as a fan:

- Make Male on Male audios, or else I’ll tell everyone you’re....

- Make porn where the woman Doms you, or else...

- Say you’ll do anything for money. If you don’t I’ll....

- Say you enjoy blood/scat/urine/rape, because if you don’t you’re not...

- If you don’t make me cry by abusing me, are you really a Dom?

- Take that opinion back, if you don’t, I’ll stop being a patron and I’ll...

- Say BLM or I’ll.... (On this one I relented, I still regret it, being made to even if I agreed with the sentiment).

I hope you see my point. Every day in my inbox is another person telling me what I must be to be right, while at the same time also telling me that they are only reaching out because I reach them.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but no, this is erotica for women, because I am a man who is sexually attracted to women. And that, in erotica, is exceedingly rare. It is very, very rare. Because if you haven’t noticed? Most men who do what I do, are not only worse at it, but also will say anything to anyone for a little more attention (money).

I’m a man who’s attracted to women.

I have made no mistake in it, and I am not required to pretend to be anything else.

[maliciousindungeon]

not that anyone asked but @ all the podcast hoes that follow me, heres some recommendations:

the cryptid keeper: a cryptid comedy podcast that goes through the history of a cryptid every episode, features a lot of owen wilson impressions and quite a bit of the hosts thinking the monster theyre researching is hilarious/adorable/datable. if you like spooky shit and making jokes about spooky shit definitely give this a listen

badvertising: 3 friends just making horrible advertising campaigns, and it gets fucking ridiculous right off the bat. they go off on a lot of tangents about vaping, virtual reality, and thanos in their quest to make things shittier than ever before. plus the cast consists of 2 trans women and 1 genderfluid person so theres plenty of goofing about gender mixed in which is great

any mcelroy podcast, literally any of them: my top picks for mcelroy stuff would be my brother my brother and me, the adventure zone, til death do us blart, and sawbones. listen to any of these and i guarantee youll have a great time. their others are really great too but id hit these up first.

all my recs from here down are scripted podcasts, so if you prefer audiobooks over improv comedy, these are for you

welcome to nightvale: a true classic and where i started listening to podcasts. its one of those things that should be a horror show, but every character is just super used to this shit and its just life. its basically a town living in a fucked up hell dimension in the middle of a desert, and while its all fucked up pretty much constantly, theres a lot of wholesome moments and id give it a shot

pounded in the butt by my own podcast: super nsfw! all of it! i cannot stress enough how nsfw this is! every episode is written by the renowned erotic fiction author chuck tingle and read by a different person each episode (usually a podcaster). features TONS of dinosaur fucking, unicorn fucking, and ghost fucking and is super hilarious if you can get past the incredible amount of detail chuck puts into his stories. i recommend the tide pod ep and the bigfoot ghost pirate ep.

wolf 359: very scifi and has some pretty dark shit going on at points, but is a truly amazing story. it takes place on a space station orbiting the star wolf 359, its story centered around the crew inhabiting it and their quest to find signs of alien life out in the far reaches of the universe. its funny, its dramatic, its heart wrenching, and over all its just fucking beautiful. the twists this story took blew my goddamn socks off and i couldnt recommend it more.

[rasoir-national]

Horror and format use

 @ghostplantss I don't know anything abt podcasts or horror and i'm curious what you think?

Right, so it took me a couple of days to figure out how I wanted to answer that, and it turns out I really want to talk about Horror and use of medium so I’m going to ramble about that.

So. I. Love. Horror. Note that I say horror and not “the horror genre” because while you can consider that horror has become a solidified genre, my interests go deeper than that. I think I’ve mentioned my mother is a psychiatrist, and so I grew up hearing the concepts of “ego”, “perversion” and such thrown around, but there’s one in particular that always fascinated me : the Id.

If you don’t know, according to Freud’s theorization of the human psyche, it can be fragmented in 3 parts : the “ego”, that’s to say, the conscious self, the “superego”, the learned (social) restrictions imposed upon one self, and the Id. The Id, or “subconscious self” is sort of the primal self made entirely of pulsions, both “good” and “bad” according to social standards, but absolutely unpoliced by them. There are two essential pulsions, “pulsion of life” and “pulsion of death”, that tug and warp around each other, forming both the basis of our survival instinct, and our primal penchant for annihilation (of the self and others). Unconscious desires, latent fears, dreams and nightmares, “appel du vide” as we say in french for the sudden inexplicable desire you can feel atop a cliff to jump, all these stem from the Id. I know Freud gets a bad rap nowadays, and his own application of his theories have been completely invalidated by modern psychoanalysis, but he was the first person to say that it was okay to have those pulsions, that they didn’t make you “wrong” or a bad person. And what’s more, they didn’t even define you. He was the first to put in theory the idea that there’s a part of us we aren’t entirely in control of, that we don’t entirely understand.

Why am I saying all this ? Well, I think everything we think of as “horror” ultimately comes down to this very idea : there is something within us that we do not understand. And I’m fascinated by that. I’m fascinated by the unknown, the unsaid, the inexplicable, the dark side of the moon, whatever you want to call it. I’m fascinated by both our fear and our desire to understand it. And what good horror does, is allow us to explore this “something” and our relation to it through metaphor, storytelling and catharsis.

From childhood, we are bathed in horrific stories. It’s common knowledge nowadays that fairytales are a way to allow children to confront their deepest fears and desires in a safe, metaphorical manner, and “exorcise” them in order to learn social constructs and become a functioning adult. But I think we never stop craving that feeling, the confrontation with the inexplicable in a manner safe enough for us to enjoy.

That’s why I love horror. More precisely, that’s why I love every form of horror. I think any art medium can be defined by two things : what it can do and what it cannot do. A book can put words onto a feeling, but it cannot picture that feeling. A melody can convey emotions through sound, but not words. We can talk and draw pictures about both, but the medium itself is limited to the very tools that make it what it is. Or, to put it another way : for every medium, there is something it cannot fully express. Does that remind you of anything ?

Horror is, I think, the most interesting way to study the differences between forms of media, precisely because it relies so much on what cannot be explained, what attracts us, what we fear, the very limits of our ability to comprehend the world and ourselves. Take movies, one the most multimedia form of storytelling : what makes a good horror movie ? If you’ve ever seen any, you know the fear doesn’t come from what you can see or describe but from what you cannot. There’s this common wisdom that whatever you can put onscreen, it will never be as scary as what the audience can imagine, or rather, fail to imagine. The unknown is more potent than the known.

So horror movies are great, and if you want I’ll make a list of my favourites on occasion. But what if we now take a medium that’s more constricted than movies are ? Now you have to work with the fact that something you could show, or describe, or put into music, or all three, onscreen, can now only be some of those things. In Art, I think we don’t give enough credit to the creative benefits of limitations : if I can’t draw something, I’m going to have to work extra hard to get you to picture it without images. The more you are not allowed to do things, the more you’re going to invent new ways to convey what you mean.

And that can go for limitations we don’t even think about. Take one of my favourite examples, comics and manga. What makes them different from movies ? They have no sound, but also, instead of an image moving into the next on its own, it’s the reader who’s in control of when or if they turn the page. That factor, the “page turn”, is a limitation, but that’s also something that’s unique to comics ; in written books, the effect is not the same, as we cannot process a page of written text as fast as we can an image on a page. And some artists have used that limitation to enhance the effect they were going for. The master of the horror manga, Junji Ito, is I think best known for his page turners. In horror especially, you have to deal with the fact that some images alone are capable of disturbing and shocking you. In movies, there images come to you, for example in the form of a jump scare. But in comics... You’re the one theoretically in control of the page. You can close the book. You can especially close it if you know, thanks to codes of storytelling, that on the next page is something quite horrific. But if the book is good... ? You’ll have to turn the page, because you have to know. The author puts you in control of the images you’ll see, then puts you in the situation where you willingly choose to scare and shock yourself. That’s taking a limitation, and turning it into a way to enhance the effect you’re going for.

So this brings us to podcasts, and the sort of horror revival they brought. Horror has a long history with the ancestor of the medium, the radio, for obvious reasons. If we again define a podcast via its limitations, what do we get ? This is a medium without pictures, only spoken words and sounds, and it’s an episodic medium. So what you have to work with are voices, music, sound, and, equally important, the fact that you’re in control of how much you give your listeners every time, and how much time there is between what you give. All of these are considerable assets if your goal is horror.

Take Welcome to Night Vale. Its shtick is pretty simple if you break it down, and is two-faced. First, it is, in-universe, a radio program, and second, it cannot be pictured. Let’s start with the second part : the genius of Welcome to Night, and what I think every story should aspire to, is that it couldn’t be told better in another format. The characters and stories in Night Vale cannot be pictured. They can only be described. Sure, you can make fanart, but “the glow cloud” will never be better represented than it can be described. You can draw “the faceless old woman that secretely lives in your home”, but it won’t ever truly be the faceless old woman that truly lives in your home. This is horror that’s entirely reliant on the non-superposition of words and representation : our language can express things that cannot be pictured. And if you think about it, that’s incredibly scary. The second part of the schtick is the magical realism aspect of the podcast, as in, the apparent normality with which all these “abnormal” things are described in the context of a radio program, creating for the listener a warped sense of perception : what are you supposed to fear ? When should you be afraid ? I should make a separate post of magical realism, remind me someday.

As for the Magnus Archives, I’ve now listened to the first season in its entirety so I have more of a grasp on it. I had a bit of a problem with the first season, which was that it had one foot in magical realism, and the other in the fantastical, two genres that are pretty much the opposite of one another, without really seeming to decide where it wanted to stand. It’s got more of a footing now, for reasons I won’t discuss in order not to spoil you. But one of the elements I like about it is its use of multiple layers of storytelling. The shtick of TMA is the fact that statements containing short horror stories are being audiorecorded by a professional archivist for research purposes on some old tapes. As the story develop, we learn more about their place of employment, their colleagues, and what might more largely be going on. Again, we take a limitation of the medium : you can’t tell when what you’re listening to has been recorded or if what has been recorded is all that happened. And you use this element of ignorance to play with your audience : when has the story you’re listening to been written ? When did it happen ? When is it recorded ? What happened in the meantime ? If the person who wrote it and the person who records it have different points of view, how does this come into play ? What else might be recorded onto the tapes ? As I said, I’m only a fourth of the way caught up right now, but I can already see them making use of all those elements.

So yeah, hopefully this gives you an idea of the way I enjoy horror, and gives you more of an appreciation for it yourself. Some actual recs if you want to get started while I’m at it :

- The Night of the Hunter (1955 movie) : not “technically a horror movie”, but absolutely a horrific one in its use of black and white

- The soundtrack to Suspiria (1977 movie) by the band Goblins : I adore the film, but listening to the soundtrack on its own is also an interesting experience

- The Silent Hill game series (especially Silent Hill 2 and 3) : video games is, I think, the most multimedia format, and taking into account the fact the player is in control of the character, makes for some of the most creative horror ever

- The Haunting of Hill House series : tons of things have been said about it, I’d say look at the way it uses framing and editing

- Francis Bacon’s paintings : a huge inspiration for the Silent hill series, probably the best example for horror that can be represented but not described

- Junji Ito’s Uzumaki : the masterpiece of horror mangas ; pay attention to the weight of a page turn

- Emily Carroll’s Through the woods : fantastic horror comic that uses the fairytale format

- Sarah Waters’ Let the right one in : one of my favourite horror novels, pay attention to the use of narration and subjectivity

Aight, I think that’s enough rambling for me. Hope I’ve answered your curiosity !

[nonbinarypendragon]

1, 2, 13, 27, 32, 36, 41, 42, 46, 51, 52, 60

1. music you’d recommend?heres a fun variety of less obvious things id say: two door cinema club, chloe moriondo, greyson chance (yes, the paparazzi cover boy, he’s like rly hot and gay now), overcoats2. what’s a movie that makes you cry?all of them, im rly honestly not even kidding you, if its emotional in Any way shape or form i will at least tear up. recently it was (do NOT laugh at me this is the BEST christmas movie on planet earth and you Cannot argue with me on this i will not listen) Samantha: An American Girl Holiday 

13. aquarium or terrarium?terrarium for SURE

27. would you rather date a gamer or a beauty guru?both? either? i luv makeup and i luv watching ppl play video games 

32. pillow fights or pillow forts?pillow FORTS BITCH make a pillow fort with me and we can watch MOVIES IN IT god PLEASE i know its so gross and sappy but i WANT IT 

36. describe your (ideal or current) girlfriend.oh jesus h christi do not have a girlfriend right now and honestly i really dont have an “ideal” like i guess the ideal would be someone who can handle all my shit and not get tired of it, someone who can keep me grounded during shit but also let me lose my shit about things later to get it off my chest, someone i can trust and who rly loves me, all of me 

41. rivers or lakes?rivers, smaller, easier to see things (i hate open bodies of water) 42. city or small town?im gonna b real with you, i just watched the original texas chainsaw massacre and i think after that im gonna have to live in a city for the rest of my god damn life (tho i would love to try my hand at bein a farmer) 

46. long nails or short nails?i have v short nails, ive bitten them since i was a kid and i dont bite them as much anymore but i still am not used to having long nails at all so when im wearing fake nails im USELESS i hate it cause i feel so powerful with them on 

51. undercut or fully shaved?bro both,,,,,,, i love both so much. rn im rly digging having some long hair, but i am excited to shave it all off again in the spring cause its always very cathartic and i havent done it in a minute

52. body hair or body shave? i do not care what anyone else does At All but i honestly do enjoy shaving, because i do it very rarely and so when i do it i just like blast music and have a little while to focus on doing something, and then i feel super soft and smooth. body hair on other people i literally do not care about at all, do what u wish 

60. make-up or nah?i wear makeup quite a lot and i do admit that its because of how society has made me view myself and i know i need to break out of my shell and all that but i also do genuinely enjoy putting on makeup, thats another thing that i can just space out and do while listening to music or a podcast or something 

thank you so much for all the questions omg!!!!!!!!!