#id rather die than listen to christmas music though

[tentaclecats]

oh also its christmas eve by the way. have a good christmas all ye vagrants and mongrels!!!!

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[enchantedamusedslightlyconfused]

73 questions.

I was tagged by @wescoasts @machine-gun-casie (BABES)

Almost all my friends have been tagged and I don't wanna be that asshole so ill try not to be. I tag @awkwardrocker @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @trixiehoe @she-who-is-timey-wimey

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Well it’s finals week so about -864. After that I have two weeks of legitimate nothing where I will bake my heart out so we’ll see

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#yikes #ughshesinherfeelsagain 

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Milo Ventimiglia, Kells, Rook.....being a music video love interest is only my life’s pipe dream 

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

And that’s on daddy issues and no supervision...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I used to model like went to modeling school and got paid for it type shit

What’s your wakeup ritual?

get woken up by my dog tired of hearing my alarm, walk said opinionated quadruped, feed quadruped, get dressed, COFFEE, then take life as it comes

What’s your go to bed ritual?

melatonin gummies (gotta make anxiety fun), skincare when executive dysfunction will allow, brush teeth, fight dog for my spot in bed (moving a 90lb animal is no joke), turn on my sleep playlist or use my ambient noise app, stare at ceiling

What’s your favorite time of day?

witching hour followed by golden hour

Your go to for having a good laugh?

lately tiktok and Kellyvisions, previously vine compilations or Netflix specials

Dream country to visit?

Ireland. I NEED to go to the motherland. My families castle is still standing and I get in for free. its on my bucket list FOR SURE. 

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

getting into nursing school and chiropractic school. I’m a loser and I’ve never had a surprise party. I’d melt in puddle of love tbh

Heels or flats/sneakers?

Flats 98% of the time. Heels are reserved for business casual necessity, Halloween, or if I’m feeling myself 

Vintage or new?

both, depends on the item

Who do you want to write your obituary?

Amy-Sherman Palladino 

Style icon?

lmao a what? on the real though catch me fucking with those eco-friendly kitchen witch vibes. All the dainty jewelry, linens and converse/docks fam

What are three things you can’t live without?

my dog, my family (found and blood), healing people however I can (medicine ruined me for any other career and its sucks you guys)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

tbh salt, I question a recipes validity if salt isn't involved 

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Kells and the band (I'd be too nervous for a one on one), a dinner party with my MGK fam, Elvis

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Failure, not accomplishing anything 

Window or aisle seat?

window all day everyday, on the wing preferably cause I like to feel the landing gear #pilotsgranddaughter 

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies forever, pry that series from my cold dead hands (also Gilmore Girls and Criminal Minds)

Favorite app?

tie between Tumblr and Pinterest (im an aesthetic slut)

Secret talent?

I am bomb at disney princess songs, the girls I babysit for treat me like a jukebox at bedtime, cutest thing ever

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

delivered a baby has hands down been the coolest thing I’ve ever done

How would you define yourself in three words?

I fucking hate this question. always have. empathetic, resilient, intuitive 

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

overall: my senior prom dress. its emerald green, backless, with a slit to upper thigh chefs kiss 

everyday wear: Colorado sweatshirt

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

I second Jude: over sized hoodies

Superpower you would want?

nonspecific healing powers so they aren't limited to physical ailments

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

HA. probably that the body remembers more about trauma than the mind and your seemingly irrational physical reactions to things are your brain’s attempt to protect you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

his mistake does not define your worth. I went for a variant of these boys aint shit don't judge me cause she needs to hear it

A book that everyone should read?

Harry Potter series (yes the whole thing), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Giver by Lois Lowry 

What would you like to be remembered for?

empathy, the way I made people feel

How do you define beauty?

FOR THE LAST TIME ITS SUBJECTIVE, things that give you peace, it could be a song, a person, a sunset, a scone, a leaf. If it makes you stop a second and exhale then its beautiful to you

What do you love most about your body?

holy trigger question Batman...my eyes, my hair color, texture, and its ability to grow

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

drive with the windows down and blast music while singing at the top of my lungs

Favorite place to view art?

unexpected places, like street corners, carnivals, just somewhere it takes you off guard and makes you stop and pay attention

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

it’d be one of those crazy long 2000s fall out boy titles for sure, subject matter yet to be determined 

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

violin hands down, it hits me different

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

I have a bunch planned, plane on my right shoulder, Kells related between 3rd and 4th ribs (maybe lower in case I ever need a chest tube), watercolor portrait of my dog at some point location TBD

Dolphins or koalas?

dolphins are stoners and they're super smart, but koalas cause they’re grumpy af and honestly same

What’s your spirit animal?

again Jude and I are vibin: I've been identifying with a phoenix as of late. according to pottermore im a greyhound though (yes a patrons is a wizarding spirit animal. fight me)

Best gift you’ve ever received?

seven year old me was stoked to get a functional microscope and metal detector, I was in my egyptology/archeology phase, I still have them lmao

Best gift you’ve ever given?

oh hell idk...I made my cousin cry once cause I made cupcakes for her birthday party, they were cherry limeade flavored and had little straws and everything. that was pretty cool, granted she was seven. I also made my teacher cry cause I made sea salt caramel chocolate cupcakes for her going away party. I guess my baking brings people to tears

What’s your favourite board game?

candy land, battleship, cards against humanity even though there isn't a board

What’s your favourite colour?

forest green atm

Least favourite colour?

bright yellow/orange, its offensive to my general The Dirt Mick Mars disposition

Diamonds or pearls?

pearls (actually opals though)

Drugstore makeup or designer?

not picky provided they are evironmentally friendly. I really like Besame Cosmetics though

Blow-dry or air-dry?

air-dry, I don't have the patience for blow drying

Pilates or yoga?

yoga

Coffee or tea?

COFFEE, im still learning to like tea

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

holy shit how much time do we have, my favorite weird word to say is fistula or omphalocele (they're medical conditions, don't goole it unless you have a strong stomach) 

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

dark chocolate

Stairs or elevator?

stairs 

Summer or winter?

neither FALL BITCHES   winter if I had to pick cause I love Christmas 

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

burgers

A desert you don’t like?

red velvet cake....just why is it a thing that exists 

A skill you’re working on mastering?

baking scones or shit that’s flaky in general 

Best thing to happen to you today?

being tagged to do this twice, I felt special for a hot second (thanks babes)

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

that I would make a good doctor (I handled a scary pt situation like a champ, they didn't know I threw up after I made sure my pt didn't die. puking in a foreign country on the download is a skill in and of itself)

Favorite smell?

bergamot, baking bread, baking spice cakes at Christmas

Hugs or kisses?

HUGS CAN SAVE THE WORLD

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

gifted kid fall off

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

In These Walls - Machine Gun Kelly

Casual Sabotage - Yungblud

genius assholes...

Lipstick or lip gloss?

lipstick for special occasions but actually tinted chapstick or lip stains 

Sweet or savoury?

savory to eat sweet to make for someone else

Girl crush?

Brittney Furlan Lee, Alexis Bledel, Lauren Graham 

How you know you’re in love?

you look at them and just say yep. them. usually while they're doing something stupid 

Song you can listen to on repeat?

imma out myself but Swing Life Away - Machine Gun Kelly

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

the grass is not greener ya’ll. id rather go back and relive days 

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

hopefully passing my first trimester of chiropractic school. fingers crossed pls

[sims-e-blog]

SEASONS TAG

i was tagged by @mrsmeowness ^__^ i tag @beeberries @voidboredom @moodensim @xbelorsims , and anyone else that wants to do it! 

(this is under a readmore)

1. which season are you going to play with first?

hmmmmm hard to choose :^o! i think there will probably be a lot to do during the summer, but i love how everything looks in the fall

2. from what you’ve seen in the trailer, what are you most excited about?

i think its going to be so awesome seeing legacy series that actually have time passing.... families celebrating christmas and thanksgiving! im also really pumped about the custom holiday thing

3. what’s your favourite season irl?

SUMMER. i live in alberta so its the only habitable season

4. what’s your favourite flower/plant?

umm i really like wild strawberries + rhubarb together. make a tasty pie that way. i babysat a neighbours farm and got literally about 20 pounds of rhubarb from his garden as thanks. i might still have a pic of my friend holding all of it it was ridiculous i love that guy

5. are you going to create a new sim/family or are you going to keep your current household?

probably both!

6. what would you like to see in this new add-on that we haven’t seen yet?

hard to say! its small but i miss the lounging chairs from ts3. the ones the sims sit in by the pool and just relax in

7. how do you feel about not having a new neighborhood?

haha i dont even know what a seasons based neighbourhood would look like. i think we would just end up with a duplicate willow creek anyway. plus u know EA would pull that bs and make seasons only available in the new town if they were to add another :^p

8. snow, rain, sun or wind?

SUN...

9. favourite refreshing drink in summer?

i really like iced coffee, but i dont drink it too often. ice caps from tims.... delicious

10. favourite hot drink in winter?

apple cider probably, its festive

11. walk through the forest or by the beach?

REALLY HARD TO CHOOSE.... probably a forest tho! as much as i love the beach id rather be in the water than on the sand

12. swimming pool or ocean?

ocean. lakes are better though to be honest

13. where would you like to travel if you could leave right now for a week?

somewhere rural in japan

13. how is the weather today?

its cloudy out, its been sprinkling on and off all day

14. what new traits would you like to see in the new add-on?

umm well we already have a "loves the outdoors" trait but maybe something pertaining to holidays? festive trait = sims get better mood boosts from holiday events. idk

15. do you like to play with supernatural creatures like vampires and aliens? and if so, would you like to have witches/fairies/elves?

YES!!! yes and yes. absolutely

16. what is your favorite thing to do during winter?

curl up n die. or yknow. hockey or something

17. …during spring?

spring is awful here because theres so much snow to melt. if you take a landscape pic youd have to crop out the bottom because while the trees' flowers are blooming the ground is covered in mud, sludge, and snow mould. :^p

18. …during summer?

probably a tie between biking and tennis! street hockey is fun too but i havent played in a while. i love just biking out into the county and laying on the grass for a bit watching the sky

19. …during autumn?

well autumn is back to school time so nothing usually :^( playing pc games i guess

20. have you already pre-ordered seasons? and if you haven’t, are you going to pre-order it or wait until it comes out?

no haha im not rich, once i have enough money ill probably preorder it tho

21. in which neighbourhood are you going to play first with seasons?

um! maybe willow creek? its the most normal suburban neighbourhood so i think that could be fun

22. do you listen to music while playing? and if so, what are your favourite songs to play to?

i usually listen to podcasts or my personal music playlist on yt, or just have a yt video on in the background

23. what’s your favorite thing to do in the sims? creating sims, building, etc?

hard to say haha, depends on my mood i guess. lately ive been really into making sims in CAS but i also love building. and playing obviously :^p

24. what’s your favorite kit/pack/add-on?

vampires! i take what supernatural content i can get

25. and finally, what add-on/pack would you like to see next?

supernatural stuff would be SO GREAT! when they separated the vampires/aliens into their own "occult" category in CAS i was like hm. eyes emoji.  

[hyungtop]

best friends to idol couple: hyuk

you meet hyuk backstage at a music show

you walk into their waiting room and you’re like wHAT IS THIS because where is vixx i only see six models here huh

your head is spinning as you shuffle into line with the rest of your group members to greet them

all of the vixx members are nice but a little awkward because there are cameras

n and leo are the same age, n is the leader and the oldest and has a lilt to his voice when he talks

leo is intimidating but has the voice of an angel and is so so adorable when he talks

ken is the one with the beautiful hair and a big smile

ravi and hongbin are the same age, ravi has legs for miles and a tattoo that curls over his collarbone

hongbin has strong arms paired with big eyes, two cute dimples and a toothy grin

hyuk is the maknae, a little taller than the rest of them, with an insanely chiseled jaw and thighs close to bursting out of his pants. he doesn’t say much but nods along with whatever his hyungs say

when it’s time to leave and all the cameras are turned off, you hear someone call your name and hyuk presses a little slip of paper into your hands

you go to open it but he suddenly goes “ahHHH NOT HERE” and everyone starts snickering

the last thing you see before leaving is n getting his smirk literally wiped off his face by hyuk’s hand

once you’re in the hallway everyone crowds around and you unfold the piece of paper to find hyuk’s kakaotalk id and your face turns red

and if you make a mistake onstage it’s not because you’re thinking about him

later on, in the car on the way home, you add hyuk on kkt and he almost immediately messages you

he’s friendly and easy to talk to from the beginning, he always has something to say

even though he’s pretty busy, he always finds the time to text you

and since he never sleeps, when you come back from practice he’s always there for you to talk to

has the best stories and the best jokes

facetiming with him and seeing all the other members in various states of undress as they relax at home

facetiming with him and bragging about the food you’re getting vs whatever junk he’s managed to procure for himself late at night

facetiming in bathrobes curled up in white sheets but 1000 miles away from each other

watching him bother the hyungs (you heard he was a shit but now you know it’s real)

listening to him talk about starlights with adoration

listening to him talk about his hyungs with a different kind of adoration but mushy feelings nonetheless

going out to eat and alternating between whose turn it is to pick the restaurant, he almost always wants to eat gopchang and you’re like bruh how much do you think i’m getting paid

always complains about how he doesn’t see you enough

“are you off tomorrow?”

“yeah, i’ll meet you for lunch”

“no, pack a bag and come over. we can stay up and play games”

playing video games with him and getting your ass kicked

watching him laugh his ass off as he stomps you into the ground

what a little shit

but it’s all worth it to see him smile

grudgingly watching anime with him

grudgingly watching him play overwatch and going “uh huh, uh huh” whenever he tries to explain the gameplay to you

likes to act cute to piss you off and you secretly like it but can’t show it bc he’s embarrassing and also bc he’s 183+cm like cut the cute act big boy, that image died years ago

holding three different conversations on text, snapchat, and kkt

conversations are 85% sass because someone’s gotta keep this kid in line

topics range from “what do you think about sexy policemen as our next concept” to “where do words go when you erase them”

eventually the sass turns into play-flirting and there’s suddenly this tension like am i going too far? am i being too suggestive?

and you’re in a weird place where you’re starting to fall for him and you don’t want to be cold but at the same time you don’t know if you should keep him so close anymore

one night he invites you over to his dorm after practice

hakyeon lets you in and tells you to keep the noise down, it’s 2am and everyone’s getting ready to go to sleep

hyog is standing at the stove putting ramen into two bowls, looking all soft in a worn t-shirt and sweatpants with a towel on his head and little bits of ruffled hair peeking out

you hop onto the counter as he passes you the bowl and chopsticks

“are you cooking for me? you’ll make a great housewife someday”

he snaps at your nose with his chopsticks before digging in

and you swear he finishes his bowl in about a minute even though it’s twice as big as yours

when eating with hyogi, sharing is a must so he starts picking at your bowl and it’s finished in another thirty seconds

after the two of you have stuck your bowls in the sink, he leans back against the counter and says, “since we’ve been friends for a while, i was thinking about changing your name in my phone, but i don’t know what to change it to”

you’re like really? you don’t have any ideas? at all?

and he says “not really…but i was thinking maybe…”

he looks nervous and you’re like hyuk? are you okay?

and he starts softly singing

“can i call you my own and can i call you my lover, call you my one and only…can i call you my everything…my baby”

he trails off and looks away

you grab his chin and turn his face back to yours

he puts his hand over yours and looks up hopefully at you through his lashes

“what do you say?”

“only if i can do the same”

“really?”

“yeah, stupid”

“can i kiss you?”

you can’t even reply before he’s leaning in and pressing his mouth to yours

the kiss is sweet and chaste and you certainly have NEVER imagined what his lips would feel like, but they’re soft and warm and a little oily from the ramen

he tastes like the soup too but hyuk is 75% junk food and snacks so it just makes the kiss more uniquely him

after a moment you pull away just enough to not be kissing him anymore

something moves in your peripherals and you look over to see hakyeon and taekwoon standing in the doorway

taekwoon huffs a soft “finally” before walking away

hakyeon comes over to hug the both of you, saying something like “my children have grown up” and hyuk grumbles under his breath

hakyeon says, “if the two of you ever need a shoulder to cry on or advice of an ADULT NATURE–”

“hyung!!”

hyuk ushers you to the door to get away from greasy hakyeon and gives you another kiss before you leave

he can’t stop smiling about it, even the next day, so the other three members wheedle it out of him and blow up your phone asking about it

not much changes after the two of you start dating

lots more spending time together on your days off (read: going out to eat before coming home to make out on the couch)

lots of fevered kisses and fumbling over clothes and jumping about ten feet into the air whenever someone walks by his room (hakyeon refuses to let hyuk close the door when you’re over)

taking lots of aesthetic couple photos on secret dates but not being able to post them

he’s surprisingly shy about suggesting new places to go on dates

handholding and other skinship, there’s rarely a moment when the two of you are together where he isn’t wrapped around you or touching you in some way

he gets jealous easily and usually holds it in well but if he really gets irritated, he’ll go out of his way to be mean to you bc he’s petty like that

and you’ll either smack him upside the head and tell him he’s being dumb or be mean back to him and then it turns ugly

most fights are like this, they’re small and revolve around the both of you being stupid and prideful but someone always backs down

he apologizes by buying you food or immediately coming over to spend time with you

he will send you lots of cute selfies if he’s too busy to facetime

(and the occasional dick pic)

seriously this kid is a tease…everything is a game of “how turned on can i get you and how scandalously can i touch you in public without getting caught”

and you’re like this is your first real relationship right??? right???????

sex happens about a year in, just because there isn’t really time for anything and then when there’s time, the both of you are exhausted and would rather nap together

but after walking in to see hyuk on top of you and your hands down each other’s pants too many times, the hyungs give him a box of condoms for christmas

hyuk thinks it’s a joke at first but they’re like no really

he tells you about it and you brush it off because there are more important things to worry about, like end-of-year stages

things start to die down after the new year begins, you stay in seoul and wander the streets at night while everyone goes back to visit their families

hyuk comes back early from daejeon and asks you to come sleep over since no one else is back yet

after watching six hour-long episodes of anime in a row, your eyes are burning so you ask hyuk to get you a sweatshirt while you take a break

as he’s sifting through his clothes, you wander into his room and find the condoms

he turns around to find you with the box in your hand and an uneasy look on your face

“you know i wasn’t kidding about those” he says, coming over and handing the sweatshirt to you

“yeah, now i know” you say

he takes the box from you and pretends to study it before asking, “so…do you maybe want to make good use of these?”

you stare up at him before saying, “god, do you even need to ask?”

and that’s all it takes before he’s kissing you and running his hands up and down your sides, tugging at your clothes and getting in your way as you try to take everything off

he pulls off his sweater and jeans and hops into bed with you, pulling the covers up over your bodies

and god if it isn’t the hottest thing when he slots his hips against yours and murmurs against your skin “i want to be inside of you”

it ends relatively quickly and hyuk goes a little pink, but he ducks under the covers and goes down on you until you’re barely able to breathe

about an hour later you’re in the kitchen getting water when hyuk comes up behind you and carries you back to the bedroom and you know what happens next

the next morning, the rest of vixx comes home and ravi screams when he opens the door to his (shared!!) room with hyuk and finds a combination of clothes and condom wrappers on the floor

along with hyuk’s naked ass, because you stole the covers in the middle of the night and he was too lazy to wrestle them back from you

jaehwan the shithead immediately comes over and starts taking pictures for blackmail and hyuk has to very grumpily roll out of bed and shove everyone out before locking the door

going public is relatively easy

he’s getting convenience store snacks late one night when a fan approaches him and makes conversation

unfortunately he says without thinking that he has to go because his baby is waiting for him

the fan says your name as a joke and he says “yeah. gotta go bye”

he gets into the car and is like “hey, guess what? i just told someone we were together” and you go WHaT DID YOU SAY HAN SANGHYUK

he goes home and writes a fancafe post about it so the fans don’t get toooo mad and you also do the same

there’s always backlash no matter what, there will always be critics, but that’s just because they’ll never know what it’s like to be with him and you don’t mind too much

for about a month afterwards every program he goes on asks about the relationship

he doesn’t mind really, it gets him more screen time than n and ken combined

which slightly irritates hakyeon bc I AM THE LEADER

the both of you guys are sneaky little shits and he’s smart as hell so the cameras still don’t get much dirt on the relationship

but now you can post the occasional picture that you take of hyuk/with hyuk on an outing and share it with the world :’)

one thing that really touches you is what hyuk says on a show when he’s randomly asked about the relationship

the host asks how the both of you met/got together and he talks about meeting you backstage, becoming friends since the both of you were close in age, and falling in love

“i realized i wanted to be more than friends when we were facetiming one night. i was in japan, and they were in busan. we both stayed up way too late to talk, even though we both had schedules the next morning. when they finally went to sleep, i laid there in the dark and thought about how good my life was. i’m doing what i love and i get to share my performances with people who support me, but all i could think about was how much i missed them and how i wanted to be there with them more than anything else at that moment. now we’re together, yes, but they’re also my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the one i can trust my entire self with. i’m grateful that they’re in my life and i hope we can grow together and be happy for a long time.”

[kickdownthewalls]

Top 20 Non-Metal Albums of 2017

So, while my passion has long been heavy metal, there is so much other great music out there I felt it was worth my time to compile a list of the best of the rest. These twenty albums represent quite a number of genres, but they all share the quality of being awesome…

1. BLACK SEAGULL - Distant Lullabies

After the heart-breaking demise of one of my favorite band of the last two decades, On Trial, I was overjoyed to hear that a couple of ex-members had formed a new band called Black Seagull. While the sound is a bit more mellow and countrified, the songwriting quality is still top-notch and it sounds very much like a logical continuation of the Forever album.

2. ANVIL STRYKEZ - Anvil Strykez

My first impression was this would be a half-assed synthwave late-comer, based on the name, song titles, and album art, but damn if this isn’t one of the most thoroughly engaging albums all around. Vocoded vocals, pure 80s synth and drum machines, well-placed guitars, and a completely memorable and different approach for each tune add up to one hell of a spin.

3. DEPECHE MODE - Spirit

The past few Mode records have been consistently good, if not quite as memorable as Playing the Angel or any of the classics. Spirit is a different beast and my favorite album of theirs since Songs of Faith and Devotion way back in in ’93. The songs “Going Backwards” and “Where’s the Revolution” rank right up there with anything they have penned and the lyrics throughout the album are the perfect reflection of our current state of devolved world affairs.

4. POPPY - poppy.computer

It’s happening again. Some things are weird. Let’s appreciate together. Am I doing this right? Someone sent me this. Can you see it? These are cotton swabs. Poppy loves politics. You are Poppy. I’m Poppy. Everybody wants to be Poppy, Poppy.

5. SNIFF 'N' THE TEARS - Random Elements

One of those groups that, save for one big top-40 hit back in 1979, has flown under the radar but consistently released top-notch albums over the years. Paul Roberts is the singer/songwriter that has helmed the group since the start (and even paints all the album covers) and he still sounds as unique as ever. He writes songs that have a certain melancholy to them that has always struck a chord with me and Random Elements is full of them.

6. DANCE WITH THE DEAD - B-Sides: Volume 1

While synthwave acts like GosT and Carpenter Brut have made a considerable number of fans among metalheads, Dance With the Dead goes the furthest in actually combining the styles. Retro synth lines are still the dominant feature but the chugging, thrashy riffs are nearly as omnipresent and the band add some very well-placed (and well-played) guitar solos on many tracks. This is their latest and they have only gone from strength to strength.

7. THE HAXANS - Party Monsters

This is the kind of thing I would usually roll my eyes at and dismiss straight away but this duo has put together a collection of songs that are so infectious, I can’t stop listening to it. It is the perfect mix of death punk, pop, and Rob Zombie-eque horror metal. Vocalist Ashley Costello is a real gem, too, delivering the campy lyrics with the perfect mix of sensuality and power.

8. KMFDM - Hell Yeah

These die-hard industrial rockers have been releasing slight variations on the same album for the past 25 years or so but, hey, it’s a fucking great album. Hell Yeah isn’t quite up there with WTF?! or WWIII but it’s better than the last couple and their revolutionary calls to action have never been timelier.

9. THE NIGHT FLIGHT ORCHESTRA - Amber Galactic

When it comes to paying tribute to classic AOR from the 70s and 80s, no one does it better and with more enthusiasm than The Night Flight Orchestra. Amber Galactic is not as consistently brilliant as the first two albums but it is still great and the song “Domino” is an instant classic.

10. SIINAI - Sykli

This is Finnish ambient space trance. Repetitive, hypnotic electronics, looping guitars - it’s the perfect soundtrack for some meditation or that long, slow flight into the night. I’m always looking for chill stuff like this that works and, damn, this is executed with utmost perfection.

11. CHEAP TRICK - We're All Alright!

While Cheap Trick made some pretty mediocre records in the 80s and 90s, their 70s albums all stand up as classics and they have done some good work in recent years, too, most notably 2009’s The Latest. We’re All Alright! might be even better and the first half in particular is loaded with some well-crafted and hard rocking tunes.

12. CURSED MOON - Rite of Darkness

This album positively reeks of early-80s death rock in all the best ways. You’ve got driving basslines, reverby guitars, and gloomy synths, with the added bonus of gruff vocals that are more in the vein of early black or death metal. Not a ton of variety from song to song but it’s a highly enjoyable sound that works for a full album.

13. THE MOON AND THE NIGHT SPIRIT - Metanoia

This is a cool Hungarian duo that has been around for a good 15 years now. They make a very enchanting brand of folky darkwave with dreamy melodies and ethereal vocals. This is the first time I have had a chance to hear them since I fell in love with their 2011 album Mohalepte a few years back and I’m pleased to report they haven’t lost any of their charms.

14. LEGEND - Midnight Champion

Duo from Iceland that manages to capture the vibe and quality of classic industrial-rock and infuse it with modern and rather epic touches. The songs don’t just kick in and race to a catchy chorus; you have to be patient. The payoff is always worth it, though, and each songs follows its own dramatic course.

15. ADRENALINE RUSH - Soul Survivor

The debut from these Swedish hard rockers back in 2014 was a captivating collection of tunes that lived up to the band’s name. Soul Survivor is not quite as consistently good but it still has some damn fine tracks. The sound is big, melodic and surprisingly metal at times, with Tave Wanning’s vocals adding a great deal of charm, passion, and distinctiveness to the proceedings.

16. JESUS AND MARY CHAIN - Damage and Joy

I’ll admit I never paid much attention to these Scotts until the Automatic album came out and blew me away. Sadly, they seem to have slowly disintegrated after that, but after a lengthy break, they managed to return with one hell of a comeback record. Damage and Joy has some of the feedback from the early years, some of the electronics of the later years, and all of the sardonic humor and Velvet Underground chord progressions you would hope for.

17. BLONDIE - Pollinator

Blondie has had some good tunes since their reunion in 1999 but this is the first album where nearly every track is a winner. The three most important contributors to the band’s sound - Debbie Harry, guitarist Chris Stein, and drummer Clem Burke - are all still intact and in great form.

18. BLACK MARE - Death Magick Mother

This is the solo project from Sera Timms, the lead vocalist of Ides of Gemini. Here she takes a far more traditional gothic tone with the music, while her vocals take on an even more ethereal feel than in Ides. No individual song really stands out but it all works together beautifully as a complete album.

19. RAINBOWLICKER - I Saw The Light But Turned It Off

My first listen to this Finnish outfit was truly one of those WTF moments. Elements of punk, electro, chiptune, industrial and goth all merge together with some suitably peculiar, snotty vocals to make a fresh sound that is at once annoying and endearing.

20. TARJA - From Spirits and Ghosts (Score for a Dark Christmas)

Christmas albums have a tendency to be either too campy or too cliched for their own good. Tarja instead presents a collection of traditional (and one original) tunes done up in a suitably dramatic and darkly original fashion. While her solo rock albums have left me rather flat, I love her voice and the orchestral pairing is simply gorgeous. No one sounds like Tarja, no matter how hard they try.

Some more bands with great releases in 2017 to check out if you are curious: AGUSA, BARDSPEC, CAMERATA MEDIOLANENS, DAN TERMINUS, FLAMES OF GENESIS, GALLEY BEGGAR, IIVII, KESHA, L.A. WITCH, LIVING COLOUR, PERTURBATOR, ROPE SECT, SOROR DOLOROSA, and UFFE LORENZEN.

[matayto]

Character Analysis

JP

Good Listener

Andre:  “What if I’m no good? What if today wasn’t a bad day, but my best day?’

J.P: ​“Well—what if?”

Andre:  ​“I think I’d rather die. I lean against the railing, sobbing. J.P has the decency, the wisdom, to say and do nothing and just listen.” J.P always takes the time to listen and understand what Andre is saying before he gives his advice.

Wise

Andre:  “When I hit the ball with this new racket, I don’t know where it’s going.”

“You’ll find a solution, J.P says.”

Andre:  “How? What?”

J.P: ​“I don’t know. But you will. This is a momentary crisis, Andre. One of many, there will be others. Bigger, smaller and everything in between. Treat a crisis as practice for the next crisis.”

Risk Taker

“J.P has made the leap from pastor to composer-musician. He’s moved to Orange County and rededicated his life to music” When seeing the risks J.P has taken to do what he loves one can notice that he is not afraid to take risks and go for what he loves.

Unlike Gil, J.P is seen more as friend towards Andre rather than a father. When Andre is emotionally beaten and torn J.P is the one who listens to every word out of his mouth without uttering a single word back.  J.P encourages Andre with words of wisdom and gives Andre very good advice when seeking for it. Also J.P has showed Andre that anything is possible if you have the right mindset and dedication like when he turned his life around to pursue music.

Wendi

Confused

Andre: “She doesn’t know who she is. She grew up Mormon, then didn’t believe the tenets of that religion. She went to college, then discovered that it was the completely wrong college for her.” Overall, Wendi had applied to 5-6 different colleges that even Andre had lost count.

Brave

Andre: “She does something no one’s ever done, something I always hoped my mother would do. She throws herself between us. She says “ Can we just not talk about tennis for 2 hours?”

Here, she steps up to Andre’s dad where no one has ever had the guts to do so.

Caring

Wendi: “I can’t be your traveling companion, she says, your sidekick, your fan, anymore. Well I'll always be your fan, but you know what I mean.”

Andre: “She needs to find herself, and to do that she needs to be free”

Wendi: “And so do you. We can’t realize our separate goals if we stay together.”

Wendi is thinking about both of them in this situation. They can’t achieve their own separate goals with each other in the way. So Wendi decides to break up with him so that they can individually focus on themselves

Wendi was his traveling companion, his sidekick and his fan. She was always there with him throughout every step of his journey. Wendi has always been Andre’s childhood crush. So to be a couple with her had always been Andre’s dream. Even though they broke up, we feel like their break up was a good thing for Andre because after that, he started fresh and focused more on his goal, to be number 1.

Gil

Easy-going

Andre: “Sometimes a workout with Gil is an actual conversation. We don’t touch a single weight. We sit on the free benches and free associate. There are many ways, Gil says, of getting strong, and sometimes talking is the best way.”

Loving

Andre: “On Christmas Eve, 1989, Gil asks if id like to come over to the house, to celebrate the holidays with his family. Being here Gil, with you, and your family, I feel for the first time in my life that I am where I belong.”

Gil: “Enough said. I’ll never ask again. Merry Christmas, son.”

Organized

Andre: “Gil keeps a careful record of my workouts. He buys a brown ledger and marks down every rep, set, exercise - every day. He records my weight, my diet, my pulse, my travel. In the margins he draws diagrams and even pictures.”

Gil has impacted Andre’s life in a positive way. He is one of the only people that likes Andre for himself and not only for tennis. Another way Gil has impacted Andre’s life is by replacing Emmanuel by acting like a father figure to Andre. He welcomes Andre into his home with open arms and lets him feel like a part of the family. He also invited Andre over for Christmas, something that Andre feels forever grateful for.

Brooke

Convincing

Brooke: “I think you should get rid of that hairpiece. And that ponytail. Shave your hair short, short. And be done with it”

- Andre was also insecure about his hair problems and always wore a hairpiece to cover up his head. Brooke convinced him to cut it off

Determined

Andre talking about Brooke: “Her run on Broadway is deemed a great success, and she doesn’t feel empty. She feels hungry, she wants more. She looks to the next big thing”

Funny

Andre talking about Brooke: “She’s surprisingly funny. She’s making me laugh, a lot, and making herself laugh”

We think Brooke affected Andre in a positive way because she brings out the best in him. She makes him work harder and again, she is someone that likes him for himself and not just tennis. Despite Andre’s breakup with Wendi, Brooke’s entrance into Andre’s life was at the point of Andre’s life where he was at his trough. Boozing, sleeping and eating junk food in his bachelor pad alone. His heart was broken until Brooke appeared. Where she distracted him from that and became his next girlfriend.

    Philly 

Caring:

Andre talks about Philly, “One night Philly asks me to promise him something.

Sure, Philly. Anything.

Don’t ever let Pops give you any pill.”Andre looks out for Andre and cares so much he tells him to look out for pills that his father would eventually give him.

 Sociable

Andre talking about Philly: “Philly will talk to anyone, and I often have to nudge and pull him when it’s time to go.”- Andre would have to pull Philly away from others because he would talk too much and waste a lot of time.

 Pessimistic:

Emmanuel Agassi: “You’re a born loser,”

Philly: “ You’re right, Philly says in a sorrowful tone. I am a born loser. I was born to be a loser.”

From this quotation one can notice that Philly does not have the same confidence that Andre has and that Philly does not have a positive outlook on himself.

 Andre says: “my brother sounds the way I imagine a father is supposed to sound.”

In Andre’s life he didn’t really have a proper father figure because of the way his father treated him. Since both Andre and Philly were both terribly treated they look out for each other and that is why Andre sees Philly as a proper father figure. That’s just one of the ways Philly has impacted Andre.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 20

Songs I have written recently: Where does pain come from? Fumbling in love Romance is dead The many paths and their overwhelming generosity Mercy escapes me like hot steam Well, I'm jealous too * Ukulele songs for 9/10 Easy living What a wonderful world What a little moonlight can do I believe in true love I believe in miracles Sea of love Three little birds Stormy weather Blue moon * Manic mantras of September 10 2017, a piece by nova luz Do it at the right time and in the right way. Your intestines will be grateful You love them more than you can say You think you love him but you think it might go away You still want to kiss and hug him You want to feel your body Sometimes you want to die And sometimes you think "i just can't get enough of this life it could never be too much" * More thoughts about Jonathan How long will my feelings last and where will they take me? I have to let go enough to enjoy myself. I feel a hole in my heart that I thought music would fill but it's not quite doing the trick, I want to be surrounded by people. I kind of wish I was going to his show instead of the one I'm going to be playing at tonight. Oh well. Maybe I can go say hi afterwards I went to try and find him and he wasn't there. I kept having flashbacks to when  was royalty giving away everything I owned. I imagine her to be one of my past lives. It also really got me thinking about masculine and feminine dynamics in a relationship. Like am I behaving in a masculine way if I'm the pursuer? I feel really stupid and like I've already done a lot of stupid things like imagining that he had a girlfriend! I unfriended him on facebook and everything. Self-hatred. I wonder what that's all about. There wasn't anything between them at all? I actually do have really intense jealousy issues and i couldn't recognize that in myself my whole life. But now I have. I am a very jealous person sometimes. And I'm insecure cause my mom drilled it into my head that all men cheat and are bad. Hah Fuck I want to scream. Its not worth it to hold onto but damn There are certain energies in my house that she doesn't notice and I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. She will leave her trash anywhere on the floor or just anywhere but can't admit to it * Here is a strange thought What if the real reason I play music is because I need the attention? Or because I think it will get me a man? What if that's the real reason? Fuck this mosquito is fast I keep having all these thoughts. Thinking about sex a lot. * Why? I have to be screaming. I'm in agony. Please don't leave me. Eevery day crops up a new bunch of thoughts I don't feel ready to deal with. Why do I have so much resistance to my own thoughts? Haha. I can't help but laugh. My desperate tries at being a musician. It shouldn't be a hierarchy of who's a better musician but it is. Okay I have to be honest with myself: I've been really disgusted with the big name bands and big name venues and whatever big name artists I encounter for the past few years...and I feel a little morally superior for avoiding those places and people. But the truth is, I want to be a part of that world, and I still kind of want to be a big name myself. Or at least work with big names. I have to admit this is the truth. I want clout and attention. I just do. * Short term goals Follow up w yo re mi Learn Hawaiian songs (at least 3) Listen intently to music Think intently about music Release resistant thoughts about music Set up online store/ focus on making and vending jewelry * I think that nobody realizes!!!!!!!! * What's an image what's a red banded branded Christmas tree out of season what's a starter how's it gonna start her not the seasons but when the seasons had reasons, oh I remember those days well. Aren't I old? And you're only 22 you're so far removed from the world I once knew. Rolling meadows and green everywhere. You youth only know rolling blunts * Hey are you noticing me? How do i make you feel? Is there anything you wanna tell me? Do you care about me? Do you hate me? Do you have a crush on Marisa from mannequin pussy? Are you two friends on Facebook? I'm not going to look right now. Will you tell me the truth about these kinds of things? Can you help me? How? Well okay, I'm gonna start letting you help me. But first we need to hang out more. We never hang out. I hate not hanging out with you but thinking about you all the time. What do you think of me? Do you have a crush on anyone else? Do you think I'm better? Is anything ever gonna happen between us or am I gonna end up on the floor crying and alone? Does it scare you that I feel this intensely? Are you scared of what other people will think? cause I am. What's gonna happen Is marisas music better than mine? Do you still love me? I'm living in a fantasy... Can you help me? I'm not okay and I'm supposed to smile. I'm supposed to listen. I like listening and smiling isn't so bad. I love you. Do you love me? I love you. Do you love me? Do you think I'm amazing? I think you're amazing. And if you thought I was amazing then I would think I was amazing. I have insane jealousy and insecurity! Do you love me? Do you think about me? *Am I in love with an illusion? Are the ghosts and illusions in love with me? Does it work both ways? Am I going crazy? Am I bending the fabric of space and time? Hmmm a mighty fine time love by my slide sleeping safe sound slander pander panhandle. I have no excuses I think I love you and I think I want to be with you very badly. I think about you all the time That's why I wrote you so many letters that I've never sent and spent so much time drawing pictures. I just feel like im seeing everything But its probably at least mostly in my head. Disclaimer: I love to self-isolate so...don't take it personal.. * I'm so smitten. I think I love him. I spend most days fantasizing about him. This is crazy. What if I'm wrong? I can't live my life avoiding heartbreak. What the hell. I don't care. Id rather him knowing how I felt, reject me, than hide how I feel but still try to get him to be mine and end up rejected cause I have too much internal conflict to even be able to handle it. * One last thing I tried to hide from my suicidal feelings but tonight I really wanted to kill myself, I really wanted to die. But I kept pedaling home. I don't know why maybe I think its the right thing to do. Its bad to want to die there must be something wrong Ha I really wanted to kill myself I kept thinking "I hate myself" "I hate everyone" "Look at us fools" I don't know. The world can burn and I can busy myself trying to MAKE IT * Mercy escapes me like hot steam When you feel like you want to die I sit and cry All the years are creeping by And my thoughts are a limit, an inhibition I know it could be different I have no mercy for crying Though its all I can do in the meantime, we really feel like dying If you really feel like dying You can have your angels write a sing a long If you do it a lot your heart will grow stronger Just go a little longer I don't want you to disappear I love you and I always have my dear Key of b September 2017 * Please love me? Did you notice? Do my pimples and little cysts that everyone has bother you? There's I'm a hallucinating a bad smell in my nose. If I had one hour left with you if read you all my poems. Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you think I smoke too much pot? Am I too stupidly romantic? * I always next to gargabr garbage because I have an infection that won't go away. I think if I decide that its going to go away and act that way then it will. Has my infection always been obvious? Have I always had the precursors to having this infection? Can I tell him everything? Can I tell him about the infection? * Do you love me? An interrogation by nova luz Does it bother you that my skin isn't smooth? Does it bother you when I complain? They say the human brain can't tell the difference between imagination and physical reality and I really think this must be true, because every day I think I'm falling in love with you but the you I love is in my head. We have a lot of conversations in my imagination but almost none in real life.. Do you feel bad now? I want to make you feel bad because you aren't paying enough attention to me. Its hard not to think in archetypes. Combinations of faces of what we are seeing..or want to be seeing. You're a face in my archetypal boyfriend. I wish we saw each other more. Why don't you want to see me? Why do you hardly say a word to me but when I want a kiss you oblige me? Do you love me? Do you care that I'm using the word love even though you're not my boyfriend? I feel like I'm walking to the edge and being on the verge of tears. The edge of my capacity, how much wistful fantasizing can I handle before it gets the best of me? They say you create what you think about. I believe it. I believe in a lot of things people think are supernatural but it starts to seem normal once you realize everything is imbued with consciousness. Um...is this interrogation too much? Are you scared? I have to ask because I need to know how you really feel inside. And not just about me. Please help me. * They say that you create and attract what you think about so then maybe it's not a surprise that years ago I was seeing flashes of my life today. Maybe even you're here because I thought about you so much. Do you think so? Do you think there's something mystical about life? I do. * Hey so I need someone who can keep me safe.I'm a woman. It feels unnatural for me to initiate everything. I heard you when you said you didn't identify as a man and honestly this was my reaction to it and you can tell me what you think after. This is how I feel about what you expressed: There is definitely a lot of reasons for you to not identify as a man, but I just want to bring it to your attention that there is a big difference between feeling that your gender and energy is not what you were born as, and rejecting the gender you were born as because it's associated with tyranny and evil. What do you feel are your motives for disidentifying yourself as male? * Presents for Jonathan: Anything that can open the third eye Anything calming Or grounding Art booklet Ideas for art booklet: I want it to be something with clear messages, since there's a lot of things I feel like I want to tell him. I should make a list of messages for him and create the art pieces to match. I want to make a second version of the cards I gave him because I feel like I didn't get it quite right. I can see it in my head. I want to give him some writings I've already done and some new ones. Should I send him the really manic ones? Hmmm.. Messages I want to give to Jonathan: Divine masculine/divine feminine Sickness is our creation and our job to cure truly. True curing seems magical to me. I love you I feel like we are the same It hurts to not hear back from you I love your name I don't know if the intense polarization I feel is a good or a bad thing I love you * You seem like someone I could share my life with. You're still some white boy and your aura is kind of...murky and weak but you are a sweetheart Why do you avoid me??? Are you ignoring me??? Why do I think I'm falling in love with you? You seem like someone I could share my life with. Oh fuck. Were you thinking about me too? Or am I just crazy. Please its getting to be painful. I need to know. Were you thinking about me too? Even though you didn't know who I was? Am I the blue haired girl of your dreams? Please help. Am I going crazy or is everything I think real? *How could it be that i have no idea what I'm doing or whats going on? I'm hungry Don't forget to make a note of messages received Everyone makes art Eveeryonne is afraid of aging because here on earth some people can't age with no grace or distinction * The way you left last night made me feel kind of hurt. I thought it was weird that you left so abruptly and i was questioning whether i was right thinking there was something between you and that girl and I was trying to keep my cool, from the moment I realized that was the same person I had freaked out over before. Like I believed that she was your friend and I actually still do weirdly enough not that its any of my business anyway cause you're not like, my boyfriend or whatever but I just feel like that. I was just sad when you left. Can I say something? I would feel worse if I just kept it inside. Its just that the way you left had me questioning whether there was something b/w the two of you and I know its not even my business cause you're not my boyfriend but I cant help it * Dear Jonathan wow it has been a whole week and you're still here!! Congratulations. I don't know how you're doing it. Just trying to mess with you I don't know why you thought you could ignore my text but then like my drawing on facebook o.k. that's really annoying!!! If I had one of those bags of apples I would throw them at your head!! Do you get it yet? Is there something to get? I would like you to. Do you have other girls you think about? Do you think about me a lot? I'm really jealous of your friend Ali Why did you leave like that with her and that old guy? You left in such a rush my friend noticed it too. I felt really hurt at the time and I kind of still do. Whatever fine she's your friend. But I'm still jealous and I still think it was inconsiderate that you left like that when I really think you knew it would make me upset. And then you didn't say anything when I messaged you. That was shitty. And then you liked by stupid post! I want to throw glass bottles at your head sometimes. Its like you drop off and just go into your own world. I miss you :( I'm still mad at you!! If you don't know what I want from you by now I'm going to scream * It ended up that my memory was good enough to not have to write down all the messages I receive. Hmm. I may have to write some down. Again, I know I can trust my intuition to tell me when is the right time * Congratulations you are our 100th visitor. I could scream in agony--i mean joy-- I'm breaking, I was already broken but I'm going to keep breaking more inside. I think nobody knows. And especially not you. How can I be sure You don't know what the fantasies are like in my head. I can't take it. It would be different if...it wasn't so far detached. And I don't know because I'm too scared to share 90 percent of the fantasies I have. It might be getting close to the time I have to go. I don't know. Its not that I have anywhere more important to be. Should I just say it? Please don't let me fall in love with you. I think you share my fantasies. I think me making jewelry is a sign from the divine and yet again I don't fucking know why. What about my blue hair? Have you seen me before? In your dreams? I think I need to bury my fantasies. Eventually. When they're dead. That will be the time. Get it out of my head so I don't feel like its me dying. What the Fuck?? Why aren't you doing anything? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing?I'm sorry that I'm so nervous you must hate me. I want to cry. I want to rest my head on your chest. I want to kiss you in Brooklyn again, I want to kiss you in my borough I want your hand between my legs everyone wants me but I only want you. I'm starting to see, you're very far away from me. Have you heard that the mind can't distinguish between thought and reality? So I was living in my daydreams and it felt like you were my boyfriend. I've always been afraid of deluding myself, because everyone around me seemed to have thought that thought itself was an enemy. Think about it Its all true Thought is adversary as well as friend. I know because if I hadn't thought my way here id be dead or non existent, barely a flash of lightning on another plane. Sorry I got carried away. You must hate me * I feel sexual I want him to be my flower My heart is far off. Longing and blind to what's right in front of me. Waiting to eat. Waiting to use the bathroom. Waiting in line. Wasting my time. Every day life is opinionated, it doesn't feel hollow anymore, since I broke the barrier. Haunted. Tells me where to go. Listen close. I think I love him I think it is our destiny to fall in love. Lethargy works like alcohol without you having to drink. Alcohol works like my kitchen sink. I think I love him. I'm never happier than when I'm daydreaming about resting my head on his chest, and we are resting in the grass. My magic is disorganized and has no ritual. I think I might feel a little better if I settle into a natural pattern, nature is my heart is far off is a forest is nature is my heart is running to catch me is right by my side again. Whether I want him or not when I think to it. When I think it too he comes to me, I think he is right by my side, I only thought of you because it felt good just to have you in my daydreams and imagination, I thought of you and I felt you coming, and then you were here and I screaming inside because I still think I might not deserve, and I need to know I need to hear you say that yes, you want to be here with me too. Because I was distracted I'm sorry. I love you too * Everything makes me angry I feel this heat in my entire body Who told me that my naked body was inherently sexual? Is a newborns body inherently sexual? Is sexuality bad? Is toxic Christianity going to be erased from American society? Banal Infidelities fiel diety stays loyal to me, there's only one diety, theres only one god I know that's wrong