#id still pass the class but im fucking anxious

[goblinofthelaboratory]

i am having second thoughts

i took a math final today and I was the first one done. i looked over it, double checked everything, but when I checked the time after turning it in it had only been 30 min. like I know I prepped, but I feel that I may have made a massive mistake here. its probably (???) fine since I did the study guide and reviewed carefully but 30 min? and I took the test tired? the Fear arises

[fabulouslygaybean]

filling out what courses i want for next year is terrifying bc i swore to myself that id only do in-building standard courses and that id avoid any/all AP or advanced classes, especially ones in external buildings, but i was forced to choose an external advanced class and im genuinely scared

[peebeexd]

OHHH ?? HI YES ID LOVE TO HEAR UR HEADCANON(s) HIIII im sitting criss cross apple sauce

ok ok so i actually have a document filled with headcannons from bfb/tpot there isnt very much but here are some i have (the ones that are bolded are the ones i based my crappy sketch on from earlier)

• Puffball hates having to fly people around everywhere so they purposely stopped changing sizes so people dont beg them to fly them around as much. Unfortunately, people still ask her to fly them around and its driving her insane.

Every single time Tennis ball goes into Golf ball’s lab with out her knowing, he leaves little toy dinosaurs in hidden areas and sees how long it takes for her to notice. She’s only found 1 out of the 1000+ dinos he’s hidden (based of something i did when i was around 9 whenever i went into my brother’s room on my own lol)

Pen is embarrassed of his drawings ever since X said harshly critisized him in bfb 5 so now he hides them from everyone, including his best friends (Blocky, Eraser, Snowball). All of his friends are sad because of this and actively encourage him to show his drawings because Pen’s drawings are really good. Pen is very slowly starting to get his confidence back (based on bfb 5)

Fries sometimes eats his own fries’ when no one is looking. Gelatin caught him once and now whenever Fries gets mad at him for taking a fry, he says something along the lines of “but how come you can eat your own fries and i cant?? Unfair! >:(“ and half-jokingly throws a tantrum. This makes Fries embarrassed (half-based of the bfdi recommended character introductions)

Stapy chews on hard things (metal, wood, plastic, etc.) a lot for no reason. This would normally be fine, except for the fact that he has raser sharp teeth and usually breaks things that he keeps chewing. He’s broken multiple pencils, pens, and has even bitten a massive chunk out of his E.X.I.T desk once because of this (based of the time a kid in my class bit so hard on his pen that he broke it)

Fries has a really bad fear of the dark that’s been with him ever since he was a kid and every single time he is in the dark, he always acts like he’s unafraid until he hears something/someone and then he goes into the fetal position and bawls his eyes out

Puffball gets anxious and panicky in the dark only because they can’t see shit, but they don’t actually have a fear of the dark

Barf bag has trouble walking because her knee keeps dislocating and relocating all the time and is supposed to wear a knee brace to keep the knee in place but never wears it because she can’t be fucked having to readjust the brace every 10 minutes (based on me heavily projecting on the ‘Barf bag has a walking disability’ theory because 1. i actually really like this theory a lot and 2. i need a character to vent my frustrations)

Bell hates birds, not because they scare her or anything like that, its because they always get tangled up in her string and squawk until eventually it either set free, or unfortunately it passes (usually its set free and rarely ever dies). That and also birds love to shit all over Bell lmao

Naily likes knives and has a knife collection. Her favorite knife is a rainbow dagger that has a purple handle and the blade sorta resembles a heart

Fries has a tiny, fluffy, bobtail cat named “Puffy” (named after Puffball because the kitten reminds him of them). Puffball found out this and was offended. Not because of the name, but because Fries never told them about the kitten because Puffball absolutely LOVES cats

Tennis ball has a intense fear of dogs, running away from one in fear any single time he sees one. This includes small puppies aswell. Golf ball found out this when he woke her up at 3 AM, begging for her to let him inside her house after being chased by a small toy poodle. (based off a fanfic i wrote a while ago)

Foldy likes jumpscaring people a lot because she finds it cute/funny. She’s had many things happen when she’s jumpscared someone, but by far one of the funniest things that has happened was Markers 5 second delayed scream of death

Puffball really likes hugs but is often to embarrassed to ask anyone for a hug

Bell has a bad habit of subconsciously whacking someone in the face when she gets scared. One time Puffball scared her by accident and gave them a concussion

Profily often cries themself to sleep because nobody ever seems to remember them, not even their own family (the only person who remembers him is Announcer speaker box and they are 100% in a relationship because i said so [fact])

Puffball is really scared of sleeping but tries their best to hide the fear by pretending to be asleep until everyone is asleep and then just does whatever. Golfball found out and now tries her best to make Puffball calm and tired so they can fall asleep without being absolutely terrified.

Puffball likes flying higher than anyone else to seem taller than everyone they know

thats about it! sorry most of them are of my fav characters lol [cries] I'll make another post with more headcannons later on :)

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[strangelydoctored]

50 Questions

tagged by @tonyrights​ sorry this is so late luv, ive been setting up for a new puppy!  xx

1. What takes up too much of your time? my other hobbies on tumblr and my service puppy, im getting ready for him to arrive, oh and school!

2. What makes your day better? my cat, my family, my friends. 

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? i finished a project i had been working on and it felt good to sit back and be proud of how it went

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? asgard or the USS ENTERPRISE

5. Are you good at giving advice? im not sure but some people ive grown up with always come to me or call me when theyre in a jam

6. Do you have any mental illness? i have clinical depression, and acute anxiety disorder

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no i have not!

8. What musician inspired you the most? musicians dont inspire me im mostly inspired to do or create stuff from books or just when im daydreaming during a lesson

9. Have you ever fallen in love? nope thankgod, i thought i did once

10. What’s your dream date? i really dont like dates, at this point after the amount of people ive dated and the times ive bet met with people who act like imbeciles, children, and just overall horrible people with horrible life choices ive come to the conclusion dating is for people stupid enough to believe theres good in anyone. sorry i popped off but love is a made up concept.

11. What do others notice about you?

im entirely cynical and kinda frosty, but id give you the skin off my back if you needed it. your hearts not working? take mine!

12. What is an annoying habit you have? im forgettful 

13. Do you still talk to your first love? see 9

14. How many exes do you have? 4

15. How many songs are in your playlist? 1760

16. What instruments can you play? guitar, violin, keyboard

17. What do you have the most pictures of? my pets, loki and tony stark

18. Where would you like to go before you die? denmark

19. What is your zodiac? pig

20. Do you relate to it? no

21. What is happiness to you? hanging with my pets on a sunny day in winter with a good book, probably shakespeare if im real honest

22. Are you going through anything right now? im always depressed anxious or self loathing of my body soooooo yea like always

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? being born

24. What’s your favorite store? hmmmmmmmmmmmm forever 21? idk i like their street wear

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? i am pro-choice! this is not up for debate.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope 

27. Do you have a favorite album? paulo santo - the years and years

28. What do you want for your birthday? anything snake, shark or marvel related idk. i pretty much buy whatever i want

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? my ex friends thought i didnt cre about them, that i was taxing and draining because i didnt hand hold them and coddle up their fucking arse *insert eye roll* so idk that i guess? im not going to blow smoke up peoples arse and im not going to baby you because your ego needs a soft touch. this is the real world not daycare.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

looks 20-22 (im 24 this year) my online presence probably older, my friends refer to me as the “dad” or “uncle” 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on my wireless charger, i hate wires hanging around so i just place it on the disc and pass out

32. What word do you say the most? fucking seriously, is a term i use alot, or just really??? if im in public. humanity is still suprising which is a feat

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? god idk, how old is colin firth? i mean id maybe hit up william shatner if his twitter wasnt misoginistic, ....no wait fuck it id do it for the cash. i could help my parents pay off their house and like i mean if you close your eyes hes still young or if he says stupid shit gag him. 

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 22-23

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? vet, sales

36. What’s your favorite music genre? anything everything

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? denmark, sweden or japan

38. What is your current favorite song? Hallelujah by the years and years or maybe Tongue by MNEK

39. How long have you had this blog for? since 2019

40. What are you excited for? picking up my puppy parker.

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i can do either but i prefer to listen, im a bit too blunt.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? i finished a project yesterday

43. What do you want for christmas? thats too far away how about christmas goes away and takes its trashy music with it. can we extend halloween?

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i got the best grades in english and biology/chemistry. 

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? -0.0/10

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

throwing myself into the sun probably, burning down marvel headquarters idk. 

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? uhhhh 19 maybe?

48. What age do you want to get married? fuck off never, ill keep to myself thanks

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a doctor but as you can tell id have horrible bedside manner

50. What do you crave right now? tony, tom hardy, loki, angela basset, dinai.....idk maybe starbucks or maccas. this is too broad of a question.

tagged: @tonystark-mcu @marvelplease @gayspiderbaby @bckvbarnes @peterparkrrs @cloakofiron @couchpotaito @natrromanoff

[blckdtd]

"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

[geurfdknif]

SO i was saying how religion class always makes me genuinely believe the world is ending bc im already very anxious about that and my aunt brings it up. then i’m stuck in a state of constant hopelessness and fear for a while after. at first it only lasted like an hour or two. now it’s lasting like, days. i still feel like that rn & it’s been five days. sometimes it lasts a whole week, and the classes happen weekly so it just starts again without giving me a change to feel okay. and the worst thing is going into the class already afraid then getting my fears pretty much confirmed by my aunt. the only thing keeping me going rn is promising myself that these emotions will pass & i’ll feel better soon but. if i have the class every week & i feel like that for the next week it’ll just get worse (bc what i said about fears getting confirmed) and i’m scared that the constant feeling bad will make me forget how it feels to be okay. god i just want to feel okay. the memory of feeling okay and just remembering that at my best moments i think “wow i was rlly foolish when i thought the world was ending. i’m glad i dont think that right now. :D” thats all thats keeing me going. i remember how i felt then and im just waiting to feel that again but god. its so fucking hard to believe it. i just remember that whenever i get that feeling its better than i expected and i crave that. anyways i think i might be depressed but i cant do anything about it because my parents dont believe in that and it’ll just convince them i need to find god. my mom literally told me ppl are depressed bc they dont hgave god to guide them so :/. & if they ask me why i think im depressed what will i say? i cant admit it’s religion class and them bc id get in so much trouble and theyd just be like ‘nah this is rebellious teen stuff ignore her’ anyways. cant wait until im an adult so i can get a diagnosis or however you spell it.

[pomegranateseedsonskulls]

Impossible love pt. 3

Word count: 1,992 Rating: pg-13 because of language Pt. 1 PT.2 A/N: I'm on mobile so I'll add the links later. "Where the hell were you last night?" Karma asks. I smirk, I knew she got the information from Jazi because she wasn't here today so that must have meant Jazi told Karma over text. "You don't wanna know," I answer and chuckle a little. Karma nudges my shoulder. "Who did you fuck?" She whispered in my ear. "Nobody you know," I smirk. "Oh really? Was it Peter?" She asks as she raises an eyebrow. "No, why would you even think that?" I blush loudly. "Whatever you say," she smirks and I give her an evil glare. "I have training tonight, so I won't be able to text tonight," I state trying to change the topic. "Oh okay. The bell is gonna ring soon so I'm gonna head to biology," she says and I nod, then she leaves and I slam my locker and there Peter is. I jump a little. "Stalker much?" I ask and he realized that he scared me. "Sorry, your friend just saw me so I assumed you saw me, anyway, why did I come over here?" "I don't know. You tell me," I say to him. "Oh yeah, are you going to training tonight?" "Yes, I'll be staying the night too, my uncle decided that his business trip needed to be one day longer," I comment. "Oh awesome. Aunt May will freak if I stay one more night so I'll be leaving afterwards," he replies. "Awesome. I'll see you there. I have to go to my classes," I leave. All of my classes seem slow today. Maybe I was just dreading this training because I am sore. My back, my shoulders and my calves are super sore. As the day dragged on the training got closer a d I got more anxious. I don't want to do it but I still got nervous. Finally the day ended and Nat was in a nice, black, car. She rolled down the window when she saw me. "Hey could you help me find someone I'm looking for. She's a little too energetic and a superhero," she jokes around and I shake my head then get in the passenger seat. "Oh come on, I think I'm funny," she chuckles. "Well I don't think so, I mean you try too hard, it's like dad jokes but worse and not in a good way," I admit," like someone says "what time is it," and you say "time for you to get a watch," see that's funny." "No, that's just annoying," she replies and I give her a skeptical look. We leave the parking lot and I sit in silence. "Why do you do the things you do? I mean no regular teenager would even think about saving the world," she asks and I smile. "Because I know what it's like when no one is there to help and it is important to be what you want in the world. I was given the opportunity and I took. I learned from my and other people's mistakes," I explain. "When have you needed someone and no one was there?" "Most of my life. I'm very independent because I have to be, not because I want to be. If it was my choice I'd have someone there who would take half of my load. I had a friend, his name was Mike. He told me that when you have no one else in the world that you still have yourself. Even if it's just a shadow or a reflection of yourself you still have you." "Wow, that was optimistically pessimistic." "Yeah, well it's true, that's why I learned that I can't lean on anyone, but I will let others lean on me." "Ah, well we are almost here," she states and I see the tower. I smirk a little and then sigh. "What's the sigh for?" She asks as she raises an eyebrow. "I'm sore. I normally don't do this much training,"  I admit. "Oh," she parks and looks at me and smiles," well, welcome to being an avenger," then she gets out of the car like a supermodel and I get a tad bit jealous. I akward get out of the car and pull my backpack with me. We get into the first floor and she swipes her identification card, I haven't gotten mine yet. She gets off a few floors below me and I get off around floor 30. I go to the bedrooms and start on my homework. After about an hour I get up and change. I have tight, black running pants and an overlarge white shirt that you can kind of see through so my black sports bra shows. I go down into the training room and there was no one in there. I get onto the blue exercise mat and I start doing some karate moves and my warm up. I am practicing my roundhouse kick routine when Steve and Bucky come in. I stop practicing and realize it's been an hour and a half since I finished my warm up, I am extremely sweaty and my white shirt sticks to me. I walk off the mat and go to my water bottle. I get a swig of water and Steve looks at me. "How long have you been practicing?" He asks. "About an hour and a half. I've improved on some of my moves," I state proudly. "Are you able to go against anyone because I don't want to overwork you, I know sparring with someone can be overwhelming, especially after an hour and a half or training." "Yeah, I feel like I could move a mountain right now so of course." I smile and I walk over to them. Bucky has been silent this whole time," so who am I gonna fight?" "Peter because he is your size," he answers. "Oh, I'm guessing I'll be fighting him a lot," I guess. "Yup," he replies. "But that's not fair. I have much more practice from hand to hand combat and I'll beat him," I state because it was unfair for Peter. "You'll be good for him. Don't worry," Steve assures. "Fine." I cross my arm then Peter came through the door," speak of the devil," I mutter and look at him grumpily. Even though my body was still feeling the surge of energy from my workout I stretched. Steve and Bucky fought for 30 minutes which gave me time to cool down from my workout and warm up for the sparring session I was about to do. When Steve finished he motioned for us to get on. I stood nervously in front of Peter, scared that I was going to hurt him but also anxious about the fight. I needed someone just one on one without any powers, just a nice sparring session without being in a life or death situation. I brought my hands up and waited. I let him get the first punch but he didn't take it so I went for his head. He blocked it and we fought from there. It was all really just a blur. I would kick and he would hit back. Somehow he ended up halfway up the wall, like both hands and feet holding himself up and I was close and personal. I was going to punch him and I pulled back the punch when Steve yelled. "That's enough, I think both of you need a break," he yelled and I backed off. Im breathing heavily and extremely sweaty. I walk off the mat without saying anything to Peter. I walk to the bench and stretch for the final time. After a 5 minute cool down I walk to the showers. I take a long, hot shower, I know I'm supposed to take a cold shower but I hate those. I finally stop when all the I can see too much steam but I also knew someone else was taking a shower because I can hear the water. I got distracted by my own thoughts so I don't know who. I dried myself quickly and threw on clothes. I wore black pants that hug my defined legs, sports bra and a baggy hoodie that I stole from one of my friends. It still smells like them after many washes. I snuck out and headed to my bedroom where I closed myself off from the world. I went onto Pinterest and Tumblr for a while, not really doing anything and I wrote a little and I changed my position so many different times that I lost count after 12. Currently my feet were on the bed and my back was on the ground. I knew that it wouldn't last long because my arm started to get tired and then my door opened. My hoodie was riding up on my stomach so it was exposed. I looked up and saw that it was Peter. I got up quickly and realized that my hair is probably a mess, and I look like crap. "FRIDAY can't you warn me please," I yell at the air. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to barge in. I just wanted to say goodbye. You seemed a little mad at me, I just wanted to see if I did anything wrong," he states and looks at me with those eyes and I realized I have been a jerk lately. "You didn't do anything. It's just one of my off moods. Your aunt is probably worried sick about you. You should go home," I reply to him. "O-oh yeah. You're probably right, well hopefully I'll see you tomorrow," he waves and leaves. There wasn't anything going on tomorrow, my uncle is coming back so I'll have to talk to him. I was still standing so I fell onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and passed out. I woke to mummering, it was quiet but outside my door. I pretend to be asleep so I can overhear the conversation. "I'm not doing it. I don't want to get punched in the face. I don't know how she sleeps," Tony's voice comments. "Fine but if she's mad at me I'm gonna blame it on you. She hasn't eaten since yesterday probably," Steve replies and walks into the room. "Hey, it's time to wake up," Steve says and I open one eye and look at him," I know it's late but you need to eat." "Okay just give me like, uh, two minutes. I'll be down," I mumble and roll over. I hear them leave and I get up. I fix my hair and check the time. It's almost 9, I run down the stairs and see most of the avengers at the table. Nat has her leg in Clint's seat and and Clint has his leg on her seat. They all looked tired. The only avenger not there is Thor and he has an excuse. I sat at the empty chair near the end of the table next to Tony and Bucky. I sat quietly and ate in silence. Finally, Tony finished his food and put his glass of water on the table loudly and cleared his throat. "Alright, we have made a decision," he calls out loudly and many people look confused," this one," he comments while pointing at me," is now, officially," he emphasized officially," an avenger, card and all." Suddenly a yellow envelope is in front of me with a bow on top. I open it and there is some paperwork, an ID card and a congratulations card. I read it and it was the cheesiest card I have ever read. I smiled and got out of my seat then hugged Tony. "Thank you, thank.you," I cried out. He awkwardly patted my arm. "No problem kid," he replied and then I proceeded to hug every avenger in the room. I started filling out the paperwork and finished quickly. I am officially an avenger.

[itsmyonlydaytobefancy]

IGNORE THIS I GOT CARRIED AWAY 5.MEMORIAL DAY WETF.17

Tbh, I can't wait til I'm of legal drinking age bc like, I have gotten pretty turnt and its quite nice. Its just a fun time. And I haven't gotten a hangover yet and I dont think I will (unless I get to the point of vomiting probably but like I dont think ill allow myself to get there). My family can hold their liquor p well ( I mean there's been alcohol issues but I meeaaaannn...). I think hold my liquor better than my mom I think. Or maybe I just know when to stop. Idk. I just can't wait to find my own little bar I can go to(and there's A LOT around). I can be social! I can make friends! And i can have a cute ass drink if I want. Like man. I get it now. All these years I've been fearing alcohol bc I didn't wanna be like my mom when she's drunk but now I know that I'm not. Like! Id be less anxious to talk to people and they'd probably be less anxious to talk to me and its just gonna be nice. Maybe I'm hyping it up too much... I know I am but I just feel like there's a... Milestone? I guess? And its like that's the last good birthday milestone really. From then on you turn 30 and then 50 and on and on and onnnnn. Like I feel like all the other regular life milestones aren't really that important? Like? You're expected to own a house or something? And get married. And like... Have kids? Like I want an apartment. WITHOUT ROACHES. And I mean it would be cool to have someone you can trust to love you forever but I mean... Pffft. And I dont think my body could ever handle pooping a watermelon out of the wrong hole. And then like it cries? And it grows up and talks back to you and can like physically run from you? Nope. Ill have a dog and maybe a bird. And hopefully I'll get my shit together enough so that I can have an actual career. BUT WHAT CAREER CAN I DO IF IM A PIECE OF SHIT! THEY ALL REQUIRE ME TO STOO DOING THAT BUT I CANT. I CANT EVEN FUCKING PASS ENGLISH 1 (THE ONLY LANGUAGE I SPEAK) AND A SIMPLE MATH COURSE!!! I LOST MY FINANCIAL AID!!! I CANT EVEN WORK MORE HOURS BC MY MOMS HEALTH INSURANCE WILL BE TAKEN AWAY BC THE HOUSEHOLD INCOME WOULD BE TOO MUCH. AND SHE NEEDS THAT INSURANCE! SHES NOT HEALTHY! I WISH I COULD STOP BEING GARBAGE AND GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. I KEEP HAVING MOMENTS OF OPTIMISM AND PESSIMISM WITH THIS WHOLE THING. BUT I NEED TO BE REAL. BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN HANDLE IN CLASSES. I DONT KNOW HOW TO HET FINANCIAL AID BACK AND IF I EVEN CAN. AND I WANT TO FIX THE HEALTH I SURAN E SND I WANT TO PAY FOR DO MANY THINNGS I WANT TO FIX ALL OF THESE TJINGS BUT I CANT I CANT I CANT. THERES SO MANY THINGS WROG AND I CANT FIX ANY IF THEM. y'know the other day I had such a good dream. it was so vivid. And I woke up and I went back to sleep and returned to the dream. It was amazing. Like, I had a little apartment that was right down the street from my moms. It was on a dirt road on a hill that not a lot of people traveled. My apartment had some work to do but I could and was working on it. I was going to paint it. I was replacing the shower curtain rod and getting new house things. The previous owner had a cat and left it. It was abrasive at first but then he got used to me. He was white with little orange spots. I went out to the center of town and like there was like a big tree and like mangoes and I made some friends. This is where I had a nightmare but long story short, some ghost was controlling friend#1 and like acting as a way to get to me? And friend#2 was like a love interest (yikes lol) and he helped me out with this ghost. Anyways, got ghost outta there and like I had to burn letters and a pen and stuff. And then it flashed to another dream but was still connected. I was at work. I just started at this place and I guess it was in the mall? It was like a Newbury comics but like, more mature and more hippie-y? And comfier atmosphere? And like my boss (she was actually this sweet waitress from an Indian restaurant I go to but I digress), she said she would set up an appointment with a psychic for me for free but after I set up a shelf display. I tried to fix the shelves. And I woke up, went back to sleep and continued to fix the shelves except there were more of them! And eventually I had to wake up. And I was upset bc I woke up to my real life, with no new apartment or job or order.