#idek if i want to fight for this tho im so fucking tired i dont CARE i dont care i dont care i dont care

[deleted9999999999]

bestie idek what to do from here.

[kunrengui]

just sum venting, ignore :)

dont read if you have like some sort of family issues- trauma or something LOL

my family has been going through a lot of stress in these past 2 years and i feel like im in the only reason this family hasnt lost their minds yet. my dad takes out his stress by screaming at my mom, my mom takes out her stress by screaming at my (younger) brother and me, my brother is NUMB to all disappointment and im genuinely scared because my brother acts psycho and like actually full-on sobs and screams if he isnt allowed to watch vids or play video games all day or the wifi connection is weak or gets cutoff for a moment and thrashes things around but hes 10 and nobody is listening to my pleas of reducing his screen time because they cant deal with his tantrums when they try to. i feel like im losing my brother and then theres my parents who are on the verge of exploding all the time and im always on edge so im never seen scrolling on my phone or watching something kpop related because my parents are fking racist. Im always around the house doing things like getting my moms phone from the kitchen or getting my dad some water as soon as they ask me irrespective of what im doing and like if i hear my parents arguing about who is less tired to turn off the light while im the one actually sleeping i have to get up and turn off the light so my dad doesnt accidentally say something hurtful to my mom and my mom doesnt forget to make breakfast the next morning.

and like recently its been worse cuz my grandfather passed away 2-3 months ago idek it feels like forever so were staying at my grandmothers place that isnt even in the same city and i can feel my mental health deteriorating because i used to live here as a kid and i have a lot of bad memories i want to forget but here i am reliving them. anyways its 4 of us plus my grandmother so that makes 5 people sharing 2 tiny bedrooms a hall and a kitchen but the house feels like its divided into two because my dad and my grandmother dont talk to each other so they just stay on their own side and i share a bedroom with my grandmother and my brother. my brother sleeps in the middle but the bed is actually 2 twin cots with rock-hard matresses from the 1980’s awkwardly put together so the middle is uneven and uncomfortable but my parents wont let him sleep with them because he never lets anyone around him sleep peacefully (explains my eyebags) and he refuses to switch with me so now im also genuinely worried about his back. he also sometimes randomly screams at my grandmother and i glare at him and ask him to stop because its disrespectful but my grandmother screams at me instead because she is partial to him to the point where if she had to push me off a cliff to save him she’d do it in the blink of an eye and im not even exaggerating because this is a fact that everyone who knows her is aware of. shes rich and my family already knows shes going to write off her entire inheritance to my brother and idrc about the money but it hurts. like this one time my mum was talking about how she was going to preserve the land my grandmother owns so my brother can build a farm house there in the future like OKAY i get it we live in an indian society where youre just supposed to marry off the girl and give her 0 inheritance but that shit hurts lady. most of the time i even have to give up my portion of the food when my brother is suddenly in his psychotic mood where he wants other peoples stuff- my grandmother is my brother’s bodyguard, personal attendant and lawyer who’s current job is to either train me to be her successor or if I disagree then turn against me.

i cant blame anyone for the stress part tho. we werent as affected by my grandfathers death as we were by its after affect- he has a business and now my dad has to take care of that and 2 other businesses while also opening a new one and it doesnt help that all 4 require full-time attention. and in hopes of being helpful and fucking fixing this family, i promised to help with the advertising and the managing of the social media accounts of the new business. not even kidding ive been spending the last one month skipping classes saying they were either cancelled or unnecessary to work on photo and video edits for the store and promoting it. idk the last time i touched my textbooks and my parents dont know because im hiding the report cards. my limbs hurt from constantly using the stairs of the 4-floored store.

about half an hour ago my mum told me to refill all the water bottles while i was brushing my teeth and my dad loudly replied with a “Why does everyone give her all the work” out of spite for my mom. everytime he says that it makes me so mad i want to punch the wall because no matter how genuine he is, it sounds sarcastic to me because he makes no effort to help me. and it did NOT help when i lost the soft thing on my earphone 5 minutes later, making me feel like crying because my earphones are the ONLY thing keeping me sane here. the only escape from this. the only excuse i can give my mother when she asks why i didnt hear her call me in such a small house.

i just want to go home. i want my own room back. i want a pair of earphones plugged into my laptop, and i want to drown myself in Kris Wu music. i want to spread my limbs on my queen sized bed and pretend like i have all the time in the world to be bored.

i dont get why we have to go through this when were actually rich. im usually humble about it in rl but atp idec because i really dont get why we have to go through this when we can even afford a house in beverly hills or something. actually, maybe its because my parents dont have enough time or patience left to fix the bed or get a bigger house.

and then i open instagram to see people my age hanging out with their friends, having the time of their lives while im just rotting away here. the only 3 closest friends i have- one just stopped calling me after changing schools and making popular friends and the other blocked my number over some petty fight from months ago. thank the universe im still chatting with my 3rd at least.

but im okay because i tell myself im doing great. im patting myself on my back. im going to go back home at some point and im going to get myself a new pair of earphones.

im proud for staying strong. im proud for not nearing the breaking point. im proud for keeping it up for 2 whole years and im proud that i wouldnt hesitate to continue.

bless you for reading this.

[miiamour]

MIA U R NEVER ANNOYING I LOVE TALKING TO U NO PLS COME IN MY INBOX WHENEVER U WANT IM BEGGING!!!

but im also just mentally drained from this stupid fucking fight with my friend that i dont even like who always makes rude comments and started making gay jokes as soon as i came out to her. like she literally called me and everything i did "gaysexual" and i just let her until a couple weeks ago. and when i told her it made me upset and was just downright rude and that id like her to not make those jokes anymore she just said "ok". LITERALLY TWO LETTERS??? ugh idek shes so controlling and manipulates situations so if shes not in control she makes it ur fault and im so tired of it. plus i have a dance show this weekend thats stressing me out and i leave for summer camp in two weeks and my mom is being a nightmare about it.

ew sorry this turned into a rant pls ignore me lmfao

MWAH MWAH LOVE YOU BABE

but wtf that sucks and she’s such a horrible person and i hope you get away from her because you don’t need that energy in your life. good luck on your dance show! i know you’ll do great !! and god i’m sorry about your mom, trust me i know about suffocating moms and i’m really sorry about her. i hope that you have fun at camp tho, it sounds good to get a break from your mom, no offense lol.

also don’t ever apologize for ranting! rant to me anytime :))

[ilygsd]

151118

ok so to update my diary cus im so fkn bad at updating i only wrote when im sad or angry LMAO which sjcks bc looking back when im ”stabke” i look like a fkn edgelord and also its just negative shit ans i have so much to write bc i didnt write what happened when i was happy UGHHHHH

ANYWYSSSSSS idk i went to jo’s place, we fucked it was really cozy i felt SPOILT i met him on tues (131118) and then im gonna meet him on saturday (171118) if this doesnt fuck up and yeah i was actually HAPPY!!!!! kind??? yeah i was happy!!! he was emotional!!!! we cuddled!!!! even after sex!!!! yAY!!!!!

but then..........

but then..........

then we had yesterday.......

yesterday where i was sad over gj bc he was jealous and i called jo and he just made me feel like shit tbh and..... i wish gj was still my FP. he has every right to be jealous bc i treated him like shit while im giving jo lots of free-passes and let jim treat me like sjit. i shoulve stayed with gj but i also know i made him a favor by brekaing up. he deserves so much better. i still love him tho. not romantically pr sexually but like.... i just love him. he was my FP after all he was everything. our relationship was fucked up toxic but he was still so kind to be. he took responsibility for both of our feelings, MY feelings. when i was depressed and suicidal and anxious he hugged me until i felt calmer. he was everything and when he left i panicked. i was so fkn mean to him, made him feel like e wasnt enough but i appreciate him so much. even though i hurt him by just junping to this other weird guy gj is still kind to me. he called me disgusting and lots of stuff that really hurt and i panicked and wanted to DIEEEEEE but he’s the rational one. he apologised afterwards and made sure i was okay. even now when im sad bc i wanted jo’s attention and comfort bc he’s my new FP and i dont, gj asks me how i feel. i cant tell him that i want jo’s comfort and thats why im sad but i answers that im sas and really want to cuddle. hes so kind to me. i love him and wish him the best. i just wish he didnt leave me. i hate how i think its ok for him to leave me bc ”i have jo now” but as soon as jo and i fight i panic and NOO DONT LEAVE.

ugh idk what im writing im so fkn tired. im going on another date rn with a person idek like and i just want to sleep and revlog relatable bpd posts and be sad over jo and write shit here but udjsisbsksbskwldlsblsfs IDK

yeah anyways jo called me later yesterday asked if i was ok and i said is as and he hung up and i got sader lmao. then later i got a text that i should watch this amateur porn girl to practice on how to give bjs bc thats basically what im gonna practice on on saturday and im like ok. but then he starts talking abt this girl and idk i just get this weird disgusting feeling like..... im not a fkn porn star. i wanna make him feel good and be his slut bc i love him (kinda) and want his love in return. and then i get sad bc i realise thats not how he thinks and he misunderstands and is like ”i dont expect u to be a porn star but i want u to be my slut and i’ll be urs to keep the passion” and im like HELL YEAH I KNOW IM UR SLUT but i want LOVE in payment and that behind all sex is LOVE. and ofc sexual attraction but mostly love cus even ugly ppl can be sexually attractive. and then he said he had to cut me if i found him ugly and im like ”u dont have the right, ur the one who sees our relationship as a business contract” and he’s like ”yeah i do. life too” and im just ”thats disgusting” and he gets annoyed i can feel it but in already hurt and im starting to split again here we go again wohooooooo. i admit i felt disgusted and used and replcable first time we had sex bc we didnt cuddle or anything i basically just came to his place and performed like one of his porn stars and left and that was it for him. ”damn if u gotta be like that” ”we dont have to do stuff tho its cool” and i get even more sad bc he KNOWS i’ll fuck him anyways and bc i love him and its exactly THAT that makes me sad and i tell him that and hes like ”yeah cus who would be hype after hearing that. logic” (his fucking logic MY ASS GOD I JUST WANT TO KILL HIM), ”u hurt me first”, ”just cus we see things different doesnt mean u can act childish like when ur ex called u disgusting”.

end of text

i cried myself to sleep

okay yes i GUESS i have myself to blame........ but why cant he just comfort me. i obviously just want comfort. i just want his love. here i am, a fuckibg object to him is it that weird to be upset over that??? i think anyone who likes someone would be upset to hear that theyre just a resource, a business contract to them. ”lOgIC”

ughhhhhh. anyways i had mad anxiety and im omw to this other date nd im just sad. will i wait for jo to text me or will i text him. i wanted to text him when i felt better after reading those funny bpd relatable posts i’ll reblog soon but now i sad again bc obviously my mood fluctates but ugh idkkkkk fuck mEEEEE

[hurricanetortilla5ever-blog]

so we had a lil fight again , and it seems very repetitive because again its about the same thing , how i expect tsoething and m hurt and hes like im doing my best . idk man  which i think like , this should be the last straw like we need to get out shit straight if not theres no point beig together in  toxic relationship

i dont even wnna talk about the first time cause its all windy nd so much shit so  ok

  1. our first fight i was like expecting him to be sweet and not numb and i wanted more dates , which technically wasnt hard at all, his reasons were like he does to his capabilities etc what not , broke etc . and i kinda took that so im like ok maybe like hes a one nice trip or something in a long time , then  100 days was nice , no complains but we didnt really drink much , i guesss cause he felt pressured cause he was paying so much , but i means hes told me stories of him being i bars cocktails over cocktails , but its a small thing so i didnt really bug much . anyways we talked about it and hes like yeah im not a super sweet guy , but then he said he expressed love more with his ex , so its a bit unfair ? idk i wish he loved me as much to do so , but its not under my control 

so i feel like yeah , i accept , i accompany this love , even though i want compassionate , obsessive love , not childish , but respectful but agressive , but he is sweet to me and i know , to his extent , that he loves me , and the fact that i love him , makes all these needs diminish . i thought then maybe i had too high expectations for him , like for my birthday , 100 days , the compliments , the expression of love , some guys are good with that , i think austin hyped me so much in the past , i only now know my worth  , andnot settle for shitty men .

but like at the back of my head , theres the little things , then after this fight 

2. i felt hurt that he didnt tell me about them smoking up , and he says its cause it didnt cross his mind , but honestly , i think thats a big lie , cause i was acting up because of my depression yesterday and he was all , you feeling sad ? and didnt bother to be honest with me . and i saw his schoked look when jaydon said weed . like he got caught or something . it was kinda embarassing that i didnt know and jaydon felt like he probably failed a bro , but im not one to humiliate  so i acted like nothing happened , even tho i was pissed , also like becausse of this i felt as tho that he only did it with them cause he prefers these things with them , like we dont just randomly drin or smoke together like syaz and d , or llay all , like everytime iasked he said no and made me feel like a gross druggie thats like forcing him to do it , and honestly  , when youre smoking up you dont wanna get high with a whiny bitch thats complaining , how to enjoy  ? thats why i didnt wanna smoke with him anyways , i thought he hated it , cause everytime i asked he said no  , i wish we could just sit home and get drunk and fuck all night and talk about the universe but it seems like he only initiates to do these things with his friends , well minus the fucking thing , and like he went to tze kens house for his bday and i thought he was gonna come here , cause he told me that story and i was stupid to expect as such thats why i got drunk and sad and burnt myself with my hair curler . but idk he had another “reason” for that too i guess . then a nunch of things came up like , he goes out of his way , stays up gets drunk , gets high with his friends , while im here being his mum studying with him and making sure hes home early so he doesnt die . i just wished there was that much spontaneous shit with us , instead we get spontaneous fights , without the makeup sex too . so theres all these small thngs that just add up to him covincidentally treating his firiends with more regards than me , and his argument is that i dont appriciate the good things , like damn i do , but is it bad i want more ? is it bad i want the same thngs ur friends is having ? hurts mf , really hurts , anyways i feel like im just hurting myself , expecting him to get me the same shit as his friends ,  we ended it but like i dont know where i stand , we left the conversation ending that  hes not gonna change , he loves me but he wont go out of his way to show it , hell show it to his capability , idek what that means . like , our first bad fight , he was capable of coming early to talk , but instead he had sukiya with sohan and tze ken while i basically starved for 2 days , waiting like a dumbass . i think its time i just , expanded and made more friends , maybe hang out with monica more , cause like im so clingy and im like begging for his attention , i hate it . then when im pissed and numb , thats the only time he responds , thats the only time he reahes for my hand in the car when i dont do it first , thats the time he actually says i  love you first , cause its always me doing these things , and im so tired man , i feel like i an only adapt until im sick of him , til i hate him ,i dont want that to happen , 

i think maybe i gotta see  how things goes , its sad cause , i thought , this was the onerelationship to last , the one where people call us mum and dad for fun , we’re cute and a perfect match , or are we ? i dont wanna expect but having said that  i shouldnt settle for less than the love i need , cause thats also settling for less , i just wished hed do more ,  a lil more effort , a lil more i love yous , and i need to back off , i swear , i need to chill and stop being clingy , but at least im not (not caring) about him and cheating on him , i hope that the fact that  i didnt cheat on him is not the only better attribute i have than tracy , i stoped stalking but you know .. he said it himself , its the best love hes ever felt , hes so caught up with being matured . maybe im too childish for him . its sad , im hurting myself again, honestly  these overthinking things has been messing with my head and i think i have a bit of my depression again , and because of the lack of love , it fucked with my self confidence more . i am fucked up in the head . my heart hurts , i love him but if i know that he doesnt feel the way i do , its always gonna be one sided