#god this is such a fucking mess and all bc im a stupid mentally ill bitch who cannot hold my shit together T_T

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

[deleted9999999999]

bestie idek what to do from here.

[dansedan]

Top 5 cute shit for Harry/Jean/Kim mwah

UHH LISTEN you are getting my absolute bottom shelf bullshit feat. the franctic notes I take on evernote bc I have brainworms

5. I just like their sizes. Like before we get into the actual psychological nitty-gritty of the thing I have to appreciate ZA/UM’s incidental stroke of genius in creating a mentally-ill homoerotic trio composed of a small middle aged man with a delicious waist, a youngish on-his-way-to-bear (complimentary) buff dude and a middle aged ex-gym teacher bear (derogatory, but loving). Like that is one fine package of both h*rny and emotional per cm of sad cop man. All the cuddle possibilities are great. All the s*x possibilities are great. It’s all just great.

4. they’re just fucked up little dudes. I cannot stand thinking about how stupidly screwed these dudes are and I think about it all the time. Fucking... people talk about like, Harry having been pretty bad-off and maybe not having a proper support system but I swear to god not a single day goes by where I do not have to sit down when I am reminded of the fact that I literally can not image kim kitsuragi having any real friends at his age. Like I will confess I very much make kim a bit of a Hot Mess(tm) past what canon suggests but this is one point where I am like genuinely defensive ANYWAY let us not even talk about Jean mr “he’s so screwed over you can naturally slot in some daddy issues and it’s immediately believable” (although I do like to think Jean at least has pretty solid comradery with his fellow cops and has like... acceptable socialising levels.) But despite being royally fucked they’re also like... they’re there for each other, and they understand how it can get to be hard even though it’s hard in very different directions for all of them (your fic was so good with this dude) and they also like, (well I like to write them like this JA but yknow. my characters now im already ranting this much) know they can’t just codependency-it-up forever and have to grow for themselves and as people, y’know? I have a lot of feelings about them going through that sort of uh. “clearly I have a bad social life and also I am literally in love with you so of course I want to dedicate all my time to you and sink into these feelings but also that’s bad” from mainly harry/kim and all the sludge of “maybe being rabidly codependent was bad” from harry/jean and “god it’s strange to find ourselves in this crossroads with this insane amnesiac alcoholic with voices in his head and we are in many ways very different and can feel animosity but we respect each other and know we need to work through it and that we can come to more than an understanding, eventually to an affection” of jean/kim. It’s good also wow this is long maybe I should stop hee hee

3. I love how they have real conflicts and step over each other a lot but they really are just working to be good about it. I like post-mart Harry struggling with how much to close the distance between him and Jean, I have a whole stupid little fanfic outline note dedicated to Jean feeling messy about being jealous of Kim and how to react to his relationship to harry and how to react to all this change in general and anyway I think that’s great and I hate it when people make him just be a jerk because I think Jean is mature enough to recognize that he actually doesnt dislike Kim yknow anyway also just. Kim thinking about Jean and trying to understand his anger and desperation is also good and just harry and kim as a dynamic alone has a lot of interesting crossed wires that end up organized to create a powerful partnership and I think Jean as an anchor to the past makes it even better. It’s good.

2. let’s get back to cute: I think it’s cute how they’re both of the older dudes are super slated towards nerdy but Jean is 100% the type to like know Man Topic Facts and not really have specifically obsessive passions outside of that. Like especially because Jean is the younger one and I love that reversed “are you winning son” dynamic I think it’s really great to picture sort of Jean lovingly putting up with long infodumps from them and then when it comes to his own interests it’s like. “Oh I like this author” or “I enjoy watching movies” and then Harry can give him a lame jokey speech about his generation and their lack of artistic movements and how they really should shape up to it because between Disco and the new, youngest kids, they’re really gonna get swept away from the annals of history or whatever and then Kim can be the one who’s just poignantly detail-oriented about procuring the few things Jean really does feel stronger about, like a particular brand of licquor (I like the whole “they both drink scotch except kim judges Jean’s stupid macho taste” thing from that one fic) or a particular rhythm of daily routine.

1. I like how they all have really bad facial hair. I am a bad facial hair aficcionado.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[gendice]

lol

not to be negative on main but like it's 4am so anyway i recently came to the conclusion that i am like Most Likely Probably Never going to be in a legitimate long-term relationship both romantically and platonically because literally nothing about me is worthy enough to be loved like i suck in almost every aspect from looks to personality to my ability to maintain interpersonal relationships LMAO. nothing about me stands out i have zero redeeming factors that make people want to interact with me and stay friends with me?? i have really short shelf life like i have a really early expiry date yknow people might find me nice or ok to hang out with at the start but i am painfully aware that the more time they spend with me the more annoyed they'll get because i am, inherently, a fucking annoying person with an absolute shit personality lmao. theres always someone better theyd go for too so i just get. recycled.

and also recently ive been super self aware abt this super frustrating fact that i am just. a constant ball of conflict like 24/7 because part of me desperately wants to communicate my troubles to the people whom im closer to in my life but i also worry becauss i dont want to burden them in the sense that im implying that they have to be my therapist or whatever AND also ive just been putting on this façade for so long that im not fucked up and i dont want to just, yknow, reveal how messed up i am in so many ways. especially since theres a terrible stigma around mental illnesses in singapore lmao i cant imagine how much people would judge me if i , told them about stuff . i want to talk to people but im so scared of being vulnerable so my primative lizard brain just, swings me to the other extreme and i start to push people away bc like. better me rejecting them first then their inevitable rejection of me amirite (except logically, rationally, i know that its probably not going to be the case for everyone i know but i cant stop myself bc i am literally so terrified of what might happen that i always take this pseudo-safe route rip). like you know how this gives you a false sense of control because you can trick your stupid monkey brain that "we broke contact because i wanted to, not because they fucking hate your guts to bits"; yeah something like that. i have an unhealthy innate need for control in my life and it sucks big time.

and to think i cant even do this for friendships god knows that i would be an absolute nightmare to date because i cant imagine opening up to someone, without the fear that letting anyone know Absolutely Anything about me would mean instant fucking rejection. which sucks because i literally get crushes on people all the time lmao and i start thinking about love like a dumbass and i want to be able to experience love and i'd like to think that hopefully someone will love me, like for real love me and care about me but i just!!!! genujnely!!! cant!!!!!!!!

[many-gay-magpies]

i think i ran out of popcorn around the point of vampire homoeroticism but MAN did i enjoy the ride ! no wait bc that thing abt pregnant mothers makes so much sense to me and HOLD ON HOLD ON. WHAT IF. OKAY IM JUST MAKING SHIT UP BUT IT MAKES SENSE TO ME. WHAT IF THE TARGET OF THE EXPERIMENTS ON THE MOTHERS WAS TO PRODUCE SUPERPOWERED CHILDREN. LIKE THE SUPERPOWER GENE WAS WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO GET. AND THE ONLY BABIES THAT SURVIVED TO TERM WERE THE BOYS AND SOOHA. THEY COULD HAVE THAT BACKSTORY OF PLAYING TOGETHER AS A PRINCESS AND KNIGHTS (which is Adorable btw i love it), BUT THEN WHEN THE ORGANIZATION COMES TO KIDNAP THE CHILDREN SOOHA'S MOM WAS ABLE TO PROTECT HER. in the orphanage, they're trying to observe the effects of these powers on human bodies— let's say that most humans cant survive with those powers for long, and they want a way to make the gene last in the boys' bodies for as long as possible. so they give them the pills shown in given-taken to make them vampires, immortally superpowered and therefore eternal test subjects. i really like the idea of them having to consume vampire blood to be turned— that is actually a requirement in some vampire stories. i feel like those scenes of them taking pills, getting sick/convulsing/checking their mouths with flashlights imply that they weren't Like That before. this is new, and they dont know what's going on. and once the boys realize that they've been turned into LITERAL MONSTERS by the orphanage that claimed to "protect them," the freak the FUCK OUT and decide. this place is going Down. they may be new vampires but jino's been pyrokinetic his whole damn life and he will Use it. okay i will address the rest of your response in a separate ask because my brain RAN with this

-vrvr anon

im glad you enjoyed it! i dont have any more new or unsaid ideas to tell you about so i doubt ill get THAT long again (but its me so you never know), but it was very fun to dump all of that out!!

:O DUDE YEAH THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE-- the pregnant mothers were experimented on, then they were set LOOSE to go have their babies in "peace", or at least the organization claimed... but they were always watching from afar... and then when the kids got to be old enough, the organization came to collect them, telling the mothers that they'd discovered the experiments had harmful effects and they needed to continue their research. and maybe sooha's mom protected her by pretending that the powers had ALREADY KILLED her daughter, getting sooha and the other boys to play along with it—maybe she pretends to be all mad at the organization because "your stupid experiments KILLED MY BABY i want nothing to do with you" when in reality she could sense the orphanage coming and sent sooha to hide out a few towns over with her sister or something.

AND THEN THE ORGANIZATION MAKING THE BOYS VAMPIRES SO THAT THEIR BODIES COULD NEVER BE KILLED BY THE POWERS I. OMG YES. HOLY SHIT. and god now im just thinking about the effects the superpowered genes might have on NORMAL bodies... the superstrength, even though it's the most MINOR power, tearing up a user's bones and muscles and making their bodies age and get weak so faster... the pyrpokinesis liTERALLY BURNING THEM FROM THE INSIDE OUT... anti-gravity messing with their balance and brain functions and the way they perceive the world... superspeed just scrambling ALL sorts of shit... telepathy screwing with brain function/causing brain damage/mental health issues... the organization's experiments worked, the superpower gene was a success, but the human body was never made to contain such unimaginable power. the solution? make them inhuman. and OH SHIT maybe whatever solon's power is was so goddamn powerful and harmful to his body that they had to double it and turn him into a werewolf too—but in the process they also accidentally locked away or repressed whatever that power WAS.

(with that in mind though, how would sooha go her whole life with the power and be perfectly fine? maybe she falls ill a lot, or maybe the side-effects set in much later, or maybe girls are just built different and the organization experimented on mostly male fetuses because sexism. kind of like how landscaping companies only plant male trees and end up causing a shitton of allergies because of their stupid fucking tree sexism. idk, ill work on that one.)

and now im also thinking about how the whole amnesia storyline would go... the boys don't remember anything from before they came to the orphanage, right? well maybe, to avoid past attachments interfering with their work, the organization wiped their memories of anything pre-orphanage—names, families, EVERYTHING. they pick new names to replace the ones they never knew they had. as far as the boys know, theyre just a bunch of orphans taken in by the kind-hearted orphanage. and, well, maybe, the superpowered genes have OTHER physical side-effects too that set in slowly as they age... like bright, colorful hair and unnaturally colored eyes... and those side effects hadn't appeared yet or were only just beginning to manifest before the orphanage took them. not to mention, sooha was so YOUNG when they got taken away, her memories of them would be muddied and unclear anyway—throw different names and perfectly normal hair and eye colors into the mix and its easy to believe she wouldnt have a clue who they are when she meets them again.

no that would make so much sense tho—the boys have had these powers all their lives, they're used to them, even if they dont REMEMBER having them before the orphanage necessarily their bodies still have the muscle memory. so when they figure out that the orphanage turned them into LITERAL BLOOD-SUCKING VAMPIRES just to have eternal test subjects/superpowered soldiers... they go "nah fuck this im out" and burn that fucker down. i realize i sort of just parroted your entire last point back to you in your own words but i want to emphasize that i strongly agree

[consistent-self-destruction]

detachment hours !!!

i can feel myself getting a headache and RAWHHH

what the FUCK is this mood and WHAT brand of mental illness is it stemming from because GRAHHHDSKDFNDSK

i feel like the word "manic" depicts this energy n mood perfectly, but im also vaguely aware that manic/mania are terms reserved for actual mental health conditions so to use them to describe my state would feel wrong and invasive but JUST for lack of a better word i'll use it for now with respects

so

HEY BAES XOXOXO

i have literally no followers on this blog LMAOO i'm literally talking to myself but it's fun ig

anywho so i think im losing my grip on myself and detaching from reality again lol

and it's weird bc people have described the sensation of detachment to me before but this doesnt FEEL like that, but it doesnt feel numb either?? it feels like my brain just running without any actual thoughts so that i dont break down. i dont know how to describe that??? like a moving hamster wheel going SPEED but like without the hamster.

and i just find EVERYTHING funny and talk out loud to my ceiling and myself and my stuffies, literal fucking inanimate objects

like my computer was being slow like a little over 5 minutes ago and i shook it in front of my face and went "you STUPID FUCKING DINOSAUR" and started GIGGLING to myself cause that meme is FUNNY AS HELL LMAOAOAO

im literally just talking and referencing dumbass memes to myself and laughing for no reason and feeling v silly v goofy in a gen z way that's just indescribeable and i just. i dont understand what this is.

- ive got a god tier depression room rn

- i havent showered in a couple days lol

- i havent been productive like i was and even tho im doing well in most of my classes i have like a 21 in english bc my teacher is overwhelming with all the google classroom posts and things get lost in the stream and it's just a MESS and very disorganized and that lack of organization and order STRESSES ME OUT and i lost track of everything in that class and im too overwhelmed to pick up the pieces

- dont even talk to me ab college i think i'll cry lol

- i just have no sense of time or deadlines, and im falling back into familiar patterns of just letting everything go and i know once i let go i cant pick it back up and i cant have lost it all already, the year just started

- i dont know what im doing !!! scared-

okay wait i just felt myself hold back a MAJOR sob so i think i WONT go into that anymore bc clearly that's a lot LMAOOO

anyways sitting down and writing calmed down some of the manic unhinged jumpy energy but

im still freezing cold for no reason, my head keeps ticking for no reason (no i dont have tourettes), i still feel that headache coming on, and im not gonna find motivation or a sense of direction any time soon and anyways im really fucked up rn and i think it's cause i spent like an hour or 2 just stalking people i knew from my old school because i miss them even tho they dont remember me and im fucking PISSED that my parents pulled me out bc i think i wouldve like myself sm better rn if i'd stayed.

okay not going into that either, i feel myself starting to cry there too LOL WTF

i just cant grip reality rn and i keep obsessing over things and people i cant have and the life i couldve lived bc i dont like the life im living now and i feel like i cant CHANGE the life im living now // so nothing's changing in the present and nothing will change so #ESCAPISM tingz, and staying in my romanticized past and indulging in what couldve been now // AND I CANT STOP AND I CANT PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS ENERGY AND AHHHH

i dont know who to talk to about it or HOW to talk about it and how i could even get help w pushing out of this anyway but yuh

we're feeling #stuck #manic #COLD ASF #ticking #escaping reality and all that jaz asf

crying sobbing sliding down walls tbh

im not okay.

- 9:27 pm // 10.27.21 -

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#4)

S3: Nothing to fear. See what happens.

-GUYS IT’S AVA

-yes.

-Ava: “It’s leaking.” Connor: “that’s impossible.” BITCH FUKCING BET

-Ava’s like bruh you ain’t shit

-ava undermining connor to latham. hmm...... not that good for my argument, but... it just means, greater redemption arc

-okay why does Connor gotta look at her so mean tho?? bro chill

-literally why is everyone so horny

-haha sarah yessss. the clipped ‘dr. reese’ ‘dr. charles.’

-i have no idea why but sarah and noah are just walking through the ed and I keep expecting ava to fucking pop out of nowhere and save her from the convo. oh my god.

-okay sarah’s storyline in this one is pretty good. the lady, the patient, she’s great.

-sarah is adorable right now. so professional but also chill

-’disingenious’ okay damn go off

-okay but back up to my point before, i’ve always thought of ava of being like this lowkey protector of women (ik it’s a little out of left field) so everytime I see a guy trying to talk to flirt with a girl i am always expecting ava to just swoop in and save the day. ESPECIALLY with sarah, and its gotten to the point while watching her and noah I ACTUALLY expected her to pop up. dumb monkey brain never learns --- I actually wrote this so here it is

-god sarah is the fucking best

-uh oh, the fact that there’s an ava/connor scene right after this is SENDING ME (not in the good way bc literally stop it - especially)

-this is the scene where ava brings him coffee and his hair is a mess. It shows empathy (if you take away the romantic ava subtext). Like if you look at it on the surface, it’s a great scene, she’s nice. But then she goes and starts talking about robin and how she is also kind of his patient, which could be read as undermining (listen ava stans I promise i’m not looking for negative ava points it just happens)

-BUT THE BEST THING IS IT DOESN’T GO THAT FAR. I was fully expecting him to get accusatory of her criticizing robin but he doesn’t so we’re good. This scene is completely fine without the romantic subtext, which is fantastic

-this scene is also fun if you think about those au’s where sarah or ava has really severe mental illnesses that effect her work bc then the exact things she says to connor ‘you work our schedule then you go home to your girlfriend who is basically your patient too’ and- Now that i think about it in those stories connor would just be super super supportive aw well

- i do really like that scene - one of the best points of connor/ava brotp

-Ava: “At least it hasn’t affected your sunny disposition” ma’am I love you

-Ava: “keep up the good work” she said keep making mistakes and I keep getting paid let’s go this is the team

-is this the one where the baby was fake? that was a really good episode

-aw wait there’s actually a baby nevermind

-ava’s best storylines are one’s where she’s independent of connor. we’ve established that. it’s not that I hate connor, I just get scared when they’re in the same room for a long time bc then they inevitably start talking relationships and undertones

-when we get to the actual relationship i’m gonna vomit

-why does Connor have to be right everytime? Come on, it’s annoying, and not just for me, right?

-everytime he’s right and ava is wrong, it makes ava seem impulsive. As we’ve established before, she’s not impulsive (EXCEPT WHEN CONNOR IS BOWLING OVER HER DECISIONS AND CONGRATULATED FOR IT). she’s a good doctor, she wouldn’t be at med with connor if she was not

-yeah it’s that classic thing where surgeons are always partial to surgery

-ava tends to lead to the more serious possible outcome. actually, that’s really all it is, she tends to believe the most drastic possibilities. she makes the tough decisions when no one else can/will. she’s fucking amazing, and that’s why we love her - but everytime connor bowls over her decisions, she seems impulsive, she seems incompetent, almost dramatic. med. no.

-especially on this case - remember that this is CONNOR’S mistake! ava is cleaning up after it! connor should not be congratulated when, from the way I look at it, connor’s just getting lucky.

-gosh sarah’s fantastic

- nobody:

-sarah: *rolls sleeves*

-oh yeah she steals sarah’s prescription pad. i really do hate all the people sarah treats bc they like totally take advantage of her and make her distrust them so much that she feels super unsafe. ava will protect her (in my brain ava is a instinctual protector of women)

-okay but literally in this scene sarah is like floored and she makes a deal of apologizing to charles but like,,, sarah Was right. babey no...

-ik that most medical dramas are all about doctors disagreeing over things but,, med would not be able to propel story without it. literally everything story beat is-

character A: I think this.

Char B: No! we’re going to do this.

*does the thing* *thing goes wrong*

B: See? I told you so.

-also most of the time something Else happens and A happens to be right the entire time. (and the amount of times character b happens to be female and char A is a man is astounding. literally ava in her first ep, and ethan and april now. holy shit I hate this show so much.)

-i boiled down med to its bare essentials!

-sarah: *prescription pad goes missing* *sees woman who wanted a note* *dramatic music plays*

-sarah... please no. she’s about to do a bad thing....

-sarah’s storyline makes me so fucking sad.

-the way sarah fixes her shirt/jacket when she tries to be in control

-SARAH GOING TO BE ALONE SO SHE CRIES ON THE ROOF - MY FUCKING HEART????? stop it med fucking stop it (i got so upset in my first draft i wrote stopping fuck it) - but that’s some reesker inspo right there

-med writers really try to make everything a ‘thing’

nobody: ...

april: it’s because i’m not a doctor, isn’t it.

(alt:

ethan: ...

doris: it’s bc you two are fucking, right )

-but maggie is taking none of their shit

-maggie: if you two don’t stop misbehaving i’m gonna move your desks apart

-the way all the people with common sense talk to the doctors like children is fucking hilarious (sharon: ‘I expect better from you, Dr. Manning’

-if nat pulls the ‘i know this, i’m a mother’ card i am suing.

-I’m suing.

-she pulled the ‘I’m a mother’ card AND the ‘my husband died’ card oh wow! a two for!

-okay honestly. Im gonna be real with u. If i came up with nat’s story about her fear of heights, then I wrote will helping her over her fear of heights, I would be proud of that. That being said, it feels suuuuper out of place right here. it’d be in place in like a thirty minute comedy (like the emotional development and pay off is on brand for like brooklyn nine nine) but it just feels suuuper weird.

-like having an hour per ep means it feels like they should have had enough time to better develop the story

-latham: ‘Did you go behind my back?’ YES LATHAM YES HE DID. FLAME HIS ASS

-i want to see what happens with connor’s benching storyline

-now i get anxious whenever they’re in surgery (you can use this for inspo)

-okay what. just bc connor found something wrong he gets to SCRUB IN??? BRO HE SHOULD NOT GET A SURGERY FOR NOTICING A MANUFACTURING MISTAKE??? this is so FUCKING STUPID

- i hate it here

-the way sarah folds her hands behind her back when she goes into charles’ office - adorable.

-okay what the fuck. charles asks sarah into his office and asks for her diagnosis of him, which makes it seem like he is actually trying to get better, but then when sarah answers his question (incorrectly btw, charles is not fine) he’s such a complete jerk. dude everybody needs to stop hating on sarah come on wtf. that’s literally so mean.

-god she is literally too pure she should not be a psychiatrist.

-that being said. she is beautiful.

-I FUCKING FORGOT THAT THE PATIENT SLASHED SARAH’S TIRES

-she really can’t catch a break. babey

-sarah noah brotp is probably peak

-its very rare for med to have two characters of opposite genders interact and not get together so this is a special thing

This episode wasn’t the worst. I wrote that fun little thing about Ava shutting down Noah’s advances on Sarah. The Ava/Connor cafeteria scene is fantastic for their interactions with each other, and like always, we just sit through the other storylines.

thanks for sticking through. not a lot to say, this was more me just talking about the general tropes used on med, but i did write a whole 500 words for casual reesker so its a good day

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[theblankestofstares]

BTS COMEBACK POSTERS OBSERVATIONS

Welcome to observations with Marlene in which Marlene is stuck in a car without wifi for four hours and decides to waste her time by looking at posters of which she knows absolutely nothing Lets go ___ - BTS is precious as fuck oke just know that - Im starting now

- First of all JK looks stunning in his solo poster i think this is the best picture ive seen of him ever - Hes wearing normalish clothes on his torso but pyama pants on his legs which suggests that hes in the wheelchair because his legs dont work and not bc hes too weak to walk or whatever - Probs bc he got hit by a car in the I need You mv - Hes looking up and thats probably for the fact that his face looks perfect from that angle and aesthetics but it could also be him looking up at his guardian aka yoongi

- Yoongi does not look like Yoongi in his solo poster hes like a mixture between jimin and jhope and its giving me the creeps -also hes in a pipe which once again could be for aesthetics but it could also mean that he feels isolated bc he cant talk to anyone abt how hes feeling about JK's situation, he doesnt want to trouble jk bc the boy has already got enough on his plate - the picture creeps me out ok im uncomfortable

- Jimins neck is freaking long he honestly looks like a giraffe with an umbrella - His side profile is perfect dont even try to fight me on this - Trees in the background?? idfk

- Namjoons is literally the KING of aesthetics i mean look at his poster - Im getting a spring day vibe from this - Also hes probably in the train to visit Tae but more about that later if i still feel like doing this by then - I love Namjoons set like that train is flawless af - This picture has a really noticeable filter and its the only poster that has that

- Ok the first thing i thought when I saw Taes picture is that he probs had to sit absolutely still for about ten minutes to wait for the water to stop wrinkling so they could shoot the fucking picture - V looking at his own reflection bc he's lonely?? Idk it goes really well with his paired poster that i will get to later - Tae is honestly so beautiful i dont understand - I feel like his outfit was picked solemnly on the fact that hes kneeling like imagine how ugly that outfit would look while standing up - And his hair👌🏼👌🏼

- Jhope absorbing some sun

- But we all know he IS the sun - He looks so peaceful - He's in front of a prison? - Ill get to that with his paired poster - Hobis face does not look like hobis face what is this this happened with yoongi too am i the only one who sees this??

- Dont even get me started on Jins poster my heart - He's probably at the funeral of a loved one because hes wearing a suit and he has flowers that he's looking at all sad -That's why he doesn't have a paired picture, bc his other half is gone - And there is no eight member, i might be far fetching things but im not stupid - His concept is probably dealing with loss and how to love yourself even after you cant stop a death from happening -Im emotional dont touch me - To end this on a slightly lighter note, Jin is actually the visual of visuals and I hope he gets more lines in this comeback (BigHit im looking at you)

-Oke now for the paired posters.. im excited

-Yoongi and JK's poster is pretty self-explanatory - JK's in the hospital and Yoongis worried in the waiting room - the thing about the paired posters is that theres a really big contrast between light and dark in each poster - once again, could be aesthetics (damn you koreans) but i think it has deeper meanings (also im bored and i imagine things when im bored fight me) - in this one's, yoongi's is dark which is weird because JK is the one with the actual problem - Even though he does look really sad and like hes wallowing, junkooks picture is the brighter one - That might mean that Yoongi is mentally doing worse bc he cant to anything for his hospitalised friend - Like he just worries too much - Also can we talk about how bony yoongis knee looks im worried

- Ok Jhope and Jimins poster - Theyre both in big empty rooms which means dAnCiNg💃🏻 - Jhope's rooms really bright and clean (also its the brighter picture) while Jimins is dark and dirty - In hobis solo poster hes in front of a prison which might explain jimins room and why hes so sad

- Jimins room literally has bars in front of the window like how fucking obvious can it get - that would also explain the pairing of the two - not to mention jimins solo poster, maybe he was imagining being outside again - Hobi is literally the only one smiling in all of these posters how typical - Since hobis room is really white and clean, maybe hes in a mental facility? Idk maybe thats why hes smiling all the time

- Because he's just messed up and laughing is better than crying dONT TOUCH ME

- could relate to his drug overdose

- ok now for Vmons poster - Theyre lying on completely different grounds which could mean that theyre far away from each other - it explains namjoons solo poster in which hes in the train, he could be visiting (or just leaving) - And v's solo in which he just stares at his own reflection while being all lonely - this poster is the only one that has a quote on it - it says save me - but they cant because they are so far away from each other -maybe they just need to go and love themselves (eeehhhh) - also v and his damn plaids get me everytime - overall i think this mv is gonna have some damn good acting - i wasted 40% of my battery on this dear god

If you have thoughts on this or things you want to add, feel free to do so. I know I missed a lot bc I was in a hurry with a 2% phone. So yeah please add new things i'd love to see your ideas :)

Marlene out

[lawlliets]

personal post / dont feel the need to read or reply im just venting abt myself and my life and my head and its super super SUPER SUPER long and i have nowhere else to vent besides this website and if youre wondering its just me venting about my anxiety and my life and myself, nothing else

[gh0stpkmn]

ok uh. yooran gaming channel au - part 2

@misfireezreal reblogged the ‘yoosung has a gaming channel au’ post and wrote a really cute lil addition that inspired me to add some more ideas to this mess of an au..... and i got really carried away

their addition / reblog post is here !!  tho i’ll also put a screenshot of it under the cut... along with more headcanons/ideas/whatever for the au/scenario

 god this is so cute omfg. ok so..

●  yoosung liking comments that say nice things abt saeran?? so good. honestly the sweet comments probably rlly do a lot of good things for saeran’s self esteem!! they cheer him up when he’s feelin sad i would think? definitely helps a lot on his rougher days.

●  misfireezeal mentioned donations so i started thinking about what donation money would go towards... when theyre not goin towards yoosung’s tuition (if he even stays in university at this point?? idk??)  or his cost of living, or equipment for the channel, they go to charities.

yoosung wants to help animals so they donate to animal rescue organizations and stuff like that. he wants to contribute help to other causes too so... he wants saeran to have some say where the money goes (and i mean saeran is the meme bringin in a lot of it so. ye.)

it’s important to saeran that they donate to organizations that provide help for mentally ill people--especially mentally ill youth. also organizations that help children in foster care or like... help kids that have been abused idk.. idk! idk...  things that can help young people that are going through some of the same things saeran went through

yoosung doesn’t announce the donations or anything because like... he doesn’t really feel the need to???? neither of them see a point in posting/talking about it. it just feels good to do nice things.

other stuff:

●  it comes up in passing that like. saeran as a knack for hacking and everyone’s like “how could u do this?? cant believe ur a dirty hacker”

saeran’s like “ lol dont worry. i only cheat at games when i play against my brother because he’s a shit and never plays fair ”

chat is like “whoa we didn’t know you had a brother!!!”

and they talk about it a little and yoosung is like “yeah his brother is ____”  (whatever his username is? i forget. hacker god i think?)  “he usually plays on the shooting star server “

viewers are Shocked that yoosung knows #1 on shooting star. they demand to have him as a guest star

it’s... debatable whether saeyoung agrees to it or not?? he has to lay low and stuff.. either way, they tell saeyoung about it and he’s so amused omfg. he watches yoosung and saeran’s streams sometimes (and is so proud of his bro. he cries probably) but not super often? when he does watch, he also uses a random throwaway name

but after the chat asks for him, he logs in once or twice w/ his LOLOL screen name and people are all over omfg. chat goes wild and saeyoung is Living for the attention omg

saeran is like “you’re so dumb god i hate you”

and saeyoung’s like. “ok but are you actually planning on coming home some time soon??? tomorrow maybe? becaaauuuuuse..... i miss you”

it’s cheesy and lame and Embarrassing. saeran’s just.. “GO AWAY asshole im doing a thing....................................... also, yes. please order pizza for dinner”

yoosung thinks its funny n cute and so do the viewers.

●  and ok even if... saeyoung is never a guest star, they probably bring like. mc or zen on once or twice and it’s great. a lot of viewers recognize zen (i imagine he’s a bit more famous at this point) and they are... so excited and surprised that he’s friends w/ yoosung and saeran.

i can’t really see jaehee or jumin on the show but like..........

..... the idea of them tricking jumin into trying to play a video game on the stream is so fucking funny to me????

like Somehow they manage to convince him to come over?? idk maybe by asking him to  ”help them work on a big project that’s essential to yoosung’s career” or smth “that requires nothing less than jumin han’s skill and expertise”  and because he’s a good friend he agrees. then they just. put a controller in his hand and he’s like “what am i supposed to do with this”

and ok jumin has probably owned a gaming console at some point but i honestly, truly can’t bring myself to believe that he uses it for anything other than like.....netflix

so he has no fucking experience and it’s. so good. yoosung and saeran are trying really hard not to laugh (and yoosung is failing)

idk what they make him play specifically but for some reason wii sports is flashing through my mind holy shit..... but actually its probably LOLOL or fallout 4 or something. idk. either way, he’s bad at it and they struggle to teach him how to even hold the controller properly

●  saeran likely moves in some time after they’ve started the channel where both of them play games together. which happened pretty far into the relationship anyways i think?

and even then it happens quite a while after they start the channel. maybe when it’s been going for a year or something? maybe two??

(i have no idea???? idk how long these kinds of channels stay big??? i only watch like... fairly well known youtubers like game grumps that have been around for a long time. and mcleroy stuff on polygon idk.)

anyways

how they decide to move in is basically like... ok.

i imagine they probably get questions about their relationship a lot when they come out as a couple or when new viewers first find out about them. the flow of questions dies down after the initial reveal that they’re together but they still pop up every now and then

sometimes the questions get slightly intrusive like asking about their plans for the future which they kinda just ignore those until it becomes a really frequently asked question so they Have to answer it.. so they just say they don’t feel comfortable talking about it for the time being (because tbh they dont know lol)

and so...

probably a specific question that people ask A LOT (and have since saeran’s early appearances)  is if saeran lives with yoosung, or if he’s planning to.

because he’s at yoosung’s place so often. he has been since the channel’s early days, and they post videos and stream together fairly regularly, i guess?

there’s obviously more content of just yoosung doing his thing because it is his channel after all but content featuring saeran is definitely a frequent thing (even when it’s not their duo let’s play channel or whatever... saeran can still be seen in the background in a fair amount of yoosung’s usual LOLOL streams, too. )

so uh

at some point they’re just hanging out.. (off stream, not on video or anything. just them together.. like a date night or just to spend some time together. i dunno)

maybe cuddlin’ in bed or on the couch watching a movie, having a nice time. there’s comfortable silence

and yoosung never really gave it a lot of thought before, but lately... he and saeran are just really close and their relationship is so GOOD and he loves him a lot. he’s thinking over all this stuff and how often people ask if they live together and...

i mean, he thought about it on his own before he really took the viewers’ questions seriously.... them bringing it up isn’t what sparked it necessarily. 

he considered the possibility before, but he was always scared that bringing up moving in together would be too forward or pushy, and that saeran wasn’t ready for it, and that they would be rushing into things--going too fast. yeah. 

he got that ball rollin’ and was trying to take it slow but recently, everyone bringing the idea up jsut. fuckin. kicks that ball. so hard. it’s going full fuckin throttle. max speed. it’s out of control and he can’t stop it

and so in this... really comfortable quiet moment he just kinda blurts out

“why haven’t we moved in together yet?”

saeran is surprised obviously. he wasn’t expecting that at all

he has briefly entertained the idea of living with yoosung before, because he’s over so often anyways, and he wants to spend even more time together.... but he’s also scared for various reasons? 

such as his mental health issues, obviously. he’s also anxious that yoosung will get sick of him, or that he won’t be able to handle being around yoosung 24/7 and vice versa. he doesn’t want to get so easily annoyed and snappy like he does at home with saeyoung? he also doesn’t want to rush into things. idk. there’s a lot more reasons but those are some of them.

so when yoosung says this, he has no idea how to react??? so he just kinda mumbles “oh... uh.......”

yoosung panics like

 “god, im sorry, that was so stupid. um. it’s just... been on my mind a lot lately, i guess..? god! ah... forget about that! it was dumb...”  

he covers his eyes and kinda... hunches over. all embarrased and nervous and a little guilty because he doesn’t want to make saeran uncomfortable. he can’t even look at him. poor boy omg

saeran stays quiet for a long time, furrows his brows and chews the nail of his thumb and looks like he’s concentrating on something. after a while he pipes up, so quietly that yoosung can barely hear him

“i don’t think it’s dumb”

yoosung is. shocked. but also immediately hopeful! he perks up!!! looks at his bf incredulously like “you don’t?” 

saeran kinda... talks slowly bc he’s thinking hard about his words and says that he didn’t expect yoosung to bring it up really but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it before

so they have an Important, Serious conversation about it and they both make sure that the other is %100 on board with it and ready to just. jump in and do it.

celebratory smooches ensue because they’re cute and happy and excited.

... i forget if yoosung’s place is a dorm or not. if it is, he gets his own apartment.

if it’s not, he stays in his apartment and saeran moves in there.

it’s small and kinda cramped and very far from a “forever home” but they make it work for now!! they’re happy that way... (maybe in the future they get a bigger place, which is nice because it makes it easier for saeran to have some privacy when he needs time alone.)

●  yoosung definitely takes short little videos or vlogs all the time and posts them on youtube and other social media

he takes one the day after they have the conversation mentioned above. and it’s just. “you guys.... i asked my boyfriend to move in and he said yes!! god, i was so scared! tell them how scared i was, saeran!” he points the camera at saeran who is reading a book and he just. 

idk he either just flips off the camera bc he’s busy and doesn’t want to be disturbed...

or

he looks it right at the lens and says “he was scared shitless. he literally shit his pants. it was gross. i had to h---” 

cue video going blurry as yoosung turns the camera away real quick paired with. shocked, loud shrieking. “SAERAN!!! DON’T SAY----” and then the video jsut kinda. cuts off there. 

(he still posts it but with some caption along the lines of “that didn’t actually happen. saeran’s just being a dick”)

and of course, there’s definitely multiple videos of the day they move saeran’s stuff in. yoosung records a bunch and puts them on his snapchat story or w/e... other social media too, so they can look back on them later... 

just cute little clips, like one of saeran’s room with all his stuff in boxes..... one of saeyoung and saeran (and maybe mc) loading stuff up into the car.... one of them putting the boxes in yoosung’s apartment....  a dumb one of saeyoung goofin’ off at yoosung’s place and mc doting on him..

one of saeyoung giving his brother the biggest bear hug ever. just. completely squeezing the life out of him and dramatically pretending to be all emotional (even tho he really is genuinely emotional inside omg) and saeran being annoyed and trying to push him away “god, let me go! you’re suffocating me!”

one where... they’re bringing in the last box.

and finally like. one w/ yoosung turning around to show his whole apartment, boxes everywhere, some of them already half unpacked. “phew... finally finished! the hardest part, anyway”

it’s cute.

●  the little videos are probably a thing that happens every now and then, even after that... he probably snapchats a lot of things in general bbbut a lot of the time it’s just. dumb, random videos of saeran.

some of them are stuff like:

 a close-up of both of them, taken with yoosung’s phone where they’re like “streaming in fifteen! we’re gonna play ____ today.” .... real cute stuff.

or just. shitty phone videos yoosung takes of saeran where like… yoosung says something really sappy joke or pickup line? idk. something really cheesy and terrible and wants to film saeran’s reaction.  and saeran looks over and his expression is just. dead inside. the camera zooms in real close on his face and he whispers “………………. im so sick of this Shi–”  the video cuts off there

probably lots of them chillin and having fun with the whole rfa crew

and. maybe one where the two of them are hanging out with saeyoung and mc and other pals and.. idk. one of them says something funny and they’re all laughing but yoosung zooms in on saeran who just.........ok i imagine that sometimes his more subdued laughs come out as like?? this huffy, kinda wheezy little giggle. he covers his mouth w his hand. and the video captures that. when yoosung posts it, ppl Freak out about it because it’s so uncharacteristically adorable...

there’s videos of them going on trips or just new places in general... going for hikes and exploring maybe.. idk. lots of cute stuff.

saeran takes one of yoosung when they’re at the spca?? or some place like that. idk (i dont like pet stores but maybe a pet store).. and.. yoosung just has his hands and face pressed to a glass partition/window/whatever that has a puppy behind it. maybe multiple puppies. and yoosung turns around w/ the Most desperate, pleading expression anyone has ever seen. (saeran knows he has to say no but it’s so hard omfg)

and obviously there’s lots of little clips of video game stuff. teasers of the game content itself or their playthroughs. maybe a video of one of them sitting on the couch or a computer chair playing a game and getting angry lol.... (or saeran getting frustrated w/ a handheld game that’s supposed to be really calm like... animal crossing. idk sorry i just love the idea of saeran having a 3ds and playing chill games like that to help him relax when he’s anxious omg)

.... there’s also lil videos yoosung takes but he decides that they are private, for his eyes only... little moments like one where they’re getting ready to stream and saeran’s adjusting one of the microphones 

and yoosung quietly says hey to get his attention, and saeran looks over and smiles real big and genuine w/ lots of love and tells him to “Stop goofing around. C’mon, put your phone down and help me finish setting up.” and it’s. sweet and happy and cute... yeah.

.

BUT uh...

yeah!

that’s all for now !!

[ioverwateredeverything]

i have so many thoughts!!!! i just need to vent ok ignore this!!!

i think im a rlly toxic person and i have the urge to cut contact w everyone that i talk to hmsldfjsdflkds i have no redeeming qualities whatsoever i’m a genuinely negative, pessimistic, selfish person and i just drag everybody down. i’ve lost 4 people who i considered best friends bc of the way i acted and treated them theres no excuse for that im so done trying to blame it on them nonono it was all me bc all i do!! is ruin everything!!!! i want everybody to forget about me omfg im 1000000000% positive everyone’s lives would just b so much better without me i dont positively impact anybody’s life. i feel so fucking sorry for the things i’ve done to my mom she doesn’t deserve to have a daughter like me. i know she wishes i was prettier and more outgoing and popular shes wanted that daughter since before i was born and all ive done is let her down and b the opposite of what she wants. ill never ever make my family proud all i do is drain them. the few friends i have would b so much fuckng better off without me. so many ppl have told my best friend not to be friends w me bc everybody knows im toxic and not good for her but she stays and i dont know y. i was rlly upset when she decided for that month to not b friends with me but i also knew that eventually she would realize how much better off she is without me. i just want all of my friends to cut ties with me omfg when the fuck will they realize that im bringing them down!?!?!? i dont deserve to b alive i rlly rlly dont. my life isnt bad at all honestly anybody else would feel so happy and grateful to live in my position and yet all i do is sit here and complain and its bc im selfish and ungrateful and a brat and dfsdfsdflskdjflsd i just hate myself so fucking much and not in the ‘omg im so ugly!!’ but in an ‘omg im a fundamentally terrible person and i want to change every single aspect of myself’. everything about me, physically n mentally, is disgusting omfg i have no good qualities?!!??!  like??????????????? everybody is supposed to have like that 1 thing that just makes them stand out and its the reason people like them but i genuinely dont have that omfg. i hate myself i hate myself so fucking much i wantt o die i rlly rlly do!! im not scared of dying im just rlly scared of what comes after. i go through phases where i either feel everything like rn and i just feel like one big ball of anxiety or i feel nothing and im just numb all the time and i hate my numb phases bc they scare me and i think thats what death is like, just nothingness and numbnes and i hate it i hate itsdfsdf i dont know what to do i feel like its the right thing to do to just??? die? like i rlly dont have anything to live for i guarantee i am not going to impact the world or even one person’s life like im completely irrelevant im not smart or talented or anything i have nothing to offer. rn im just a drain on everyone’s resources and i genuinely feel like it would b the right thing for me to do to just die and not exist anymore. i wish i had never existed!! i rlly do i rlly rlly rlly do i just want to go sleep one day and never wake up just keep sleeping and not having to exist and communicate and be around ppl and bring everyone down. my anxiety has been so fucking bad lately everything sets me off and everything makes me nervous and i cant sit still and my heart never stops racing i just want it to stopppppp!!! nothing good ever lasts!!! if i ever look forward to anything even the tiniest stupid thing, something will go wrong and ill end up disappointed and now im realizing that its pointless to ever b excited about anything bc itll just end up being messed up. i feel like i have ruined my entire life i would give anything to go back in time and just start my entire life over again. ive missed so many opportunities and i justds fsdfsdfsdfs im crying and i cant stop im so so so tired of crying every night i just want this to stop holy shit i acnt keep doing it i rlly cant!!! i wish i was happy and pretty and skinny and nice and one of those people who just radiated positivity and u want to be around them and i want to make the ppl around me happy and i dont want to keep just fucking dragging them down god holy shit just kill me

[triplemixedpd]

8/12/20, 1:34am - i wouldnt dare

~text or tell anybody about my new life because at the moment, it consists of things like indulging in squishmallows and fidget toys, and the highlights of my week are either creating/redesigning a new oc or doing chores ~i dont have a job, i dont have a drivers license, but wow i dont even have a personality; literally how the fuck can i talk to anybody else when i dont know how to talk to them??? i hesitate to talk because when i texted danny to try and catch up and tell them about my surgery, i got screamed at and cried at, and then told “i cant do this; i need to sit in the back seat for a bit.” and, i got this reaction for.. doing nothing. literally, nothing. she told me that she thought i was mad at her the entire two months. but, i was texting anna??? they knew i wasnt dead??? and i texted danny on 6/23??? im, sorry??? im sorry ~dude i wish i literally wasnt so blatantly autistic. ~i cant process emotions when i desperately need to, i struggle to understand what i do wrong, i seem to do or say something wrong, or i say something that seems worrying, or just different, to others; i laugh at stupid and repetitive shit, i eat fucking childrens food, i repeat things like im fucking rain man, and im a fucking EMBARRASSMENT!!!  ~i feel like ive disconnected from reality and people as a whole, bc for the past few months ive just delved into my partner, me, our mental health, and our trolls.   ~but at the same time, its nothing new; this isnt new day-to-day conversation. it just happens to be all day, everyday now, in person- something that ive never had with capp before. as opposed to only getting to text them while also juggling everything else; school, family, schoolwork, mental health ~dude, being fake is hard ~ive realized just how fake i am because i dont remember how to talk to anyone else, and seeing how graant reacted just by me trying to literally text them “how are you doing? i miss you!”, im kind of fucking like??? “well??? guess i shouldve just stayed dead honestly???” ~a lot of my day to day consists of thinking/talking about our ocs and plot, drawing, watching shows/movies and playing games, and literally just trying to fucking stay afloat; that last past including a lot of abrupt, sudden suicidal thoughts and crippling fucking self-esteem, paired with hypersensitivity. that is not me being “boohoo poor me sensitive baby :(”, that is the textbook description of what i experience. thats not exactly conversation material with others ~because of melissas reaction and dannys reaction ive felt very unsure of myself  - im unsure if i did the right thing or not  - i dont know what i shouldve done differently, or where i messed up  - i feel like a terrible person, an awful person  - im upset at myself because i get really really confused by people and their expectations, or what they want me to say or do;  - i wonder if im currently displaying the textbook definition of the borderline symptom “impulsive ending relationships”  - and subsequently, im wondering if im thinking rationally; its kind of scary to not know, because i hate myself when im fucking splitting* ~i see that theyre upset, and from experience, i know that they require alone time when stressed. so when theyre stressed, and im the source of the stress, i leave to give her space. and what does THAT equal??? “YOU NEVER TAKE INITIATIVE TO MAKE THINGS UP” “I’M TIRED OF BEING THE ONE THAT FIXES EVERYTHING” ~WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD?????” ~I WAS LITERALLY TERRIFIED TO REACH OUT TO ANYONE??? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY????? “GOOD MORNING DANNY I JUST SUDDENLY WANTED TO SLIT MY CHEST BECAUSE I SAID SOMETHING STUPID IN A THROWAWAY CONVERSATION AND IT EARNED A SLIGHT CHANGE OF TONE FROM MY PARTNER THAT I INTERPRETED AS AN ‘I HATE YOU’ VIBE [WHEN THATS ACTUALLY NOT THE CASE ITS JUST ALL IN MY DUMBASS INFERIORCOMPLEX-HEADASS HEAD]”???????? ~IT’S A LITERAL SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT ME AND ALL OF MY BAGGAGE IS A FUCKING BURDEN!!! I CANT ENTERTAIN, CONVERSATE, OR FUNCTION WHEN IM EXHAUSTED, AND RECENTLY??? MY BRAIN IS MAKING ME SO SO TIRED ~BUT MY PARTNER DOESNT JUDGE ME OR MIND MY RAMBLINGS ABOUT TROLLS OR MY REPETITIVENESS OR FIDGETING GODDAMN IT!! I DONT HAVE TO HOLD BACK OR WATCH WHAT I SAY LIKE HOW I DID EVERYDAY IN TEXAS!!! ~I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG!!! ~”IM SORRY THAT I WAS SO EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND, DARE I SAY, MENTALLY ILL, THAT I NEGLECTED TO MESSAGE YOU AND TALK”

“I! CAN’T! DO! THIS! ANY! MORE!”

 - *either too cruel or too nice, too aggressive or too passive, too rough or too soft, im too sensitive/serious or “i need to learn to take a joke”, im either a disrespectful and ungrateful brat or the best goddamn trophy-tranny kid on the planet, i either really REALLY love someone or think “oh my god im gonna have to prepare to cut them out of my life so much that its already happened in my head”  ~im scared that maybe im worse than i think i am, and i just dont know it; ive never told anyone the full extent of my symptoms. i guess thats why im seeing a psychologist, right?

[datingadviceonreddit]

Soo I'm 19, he's 20 and we've been dating over a year now. we are both each others 1st bf/gf.Its all that cue shit where we were each others' 1st kiss and 1st time and shit. Ever since then we've kinda been a lill crazy sex-wise. Like we have a lot of sex. A LOT of sex. Like up to 5 times a day and usually at least twice a day. It's all vaginal tho and just different positions(he really likes carrying me and doggy). Sex already kinda hurts as it is(I don't know how big he is but I usually have some bad stomach aches after) and I have never found anal the least bit appealing.I'm a bit of a clean freak so everything about anal sounds disgusting and dirty. He already has to push me to have sex while I'm on my period because I'm a heavy flow and it's just a mess. I've always kind brushed him off with the whole anal thing and made jokes saying that I'd only do it if he let me peg him fist lol sho he knows how its gonna feel for me and he always responds "it feels better for girls than guys" or "girls have the part for it guys don't" and usually change his drops it.Last night we were talking on the phone(he went back home after schools closed so I don't see him till August) and he was talking about how we need to travel all over the US and go everywhere but Connecticut because he hates Connecticut and I made the joke that Connecticut was the only place id let him do anal and he started pushing for it so I said my usual only if I get to show you how it feels first(uncomfortable especially for people w/ no experience) and he started to buy into it!! I freaked a bit and said he'd have to let me do it for at least 20 min and he said no but when we got back he was gonna refuse sex unless it was anal and not do anything w/ me unless we do anal.Now at this point, I'm shaking and not doing too well and trying to hold myself together. Usually, I'm not this big of a crybaby but I am very emotionally attached to him bc I don't come from a great family and I have a history of choosing toxic people and end up hurt when they spread rumors or try to force me to do shit I don't wanna do(its a lot...). So I think it was the fact that I rely on him so much and that he could hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before because I do love him. (I'm also blaming my period tbh)Another thing is there was this incident a while back where I woke up to him... inserting himself in me after I had turned him down for sex bc I was too tired. In his defense I've told him before that I didn't mind him waking me up to have sex (simply bc I fall asleep really fucking fast when we lay in bed) and I usually sleep in my underwear because it's more comfortable. I ended up crying in a ball and falling asleep not letting him touch me and informing him that I wasn't a doll that he could have sex w/. It's a long story id have 2 go into detail about.I think it was that and I started thinking he might not take no for an answer and I started freaking out and crying while on the phone with him(in my defense I've had a lot of shitty experiences w/ guys trying 2 do shit 2 me) but luckily I was able 2 hide that and he just thought I was a little upset. He said he was hooking and said something like "god ___ Ill stop bringing it up for a while" and me failing to get myself under control responded w/: "no you won't you say that but you won't so don't say that"I think he could tell I was a little more than just a little upset so he said "fine so how long do I go and whats the punishment if I bring it up before then"I tried to pull my shit back together and responded something like "1 year 365 days and if you bring it up before then, then you never bring it up again"And we started going back and forth about the terms and shit and I was slowly shutting down and not responding and he realized this was not going well so he promised he was just never gonna ask again ever. The convo didn't carry on too well after that as you can imagine and we got off the phone saying I love you and shit.I proceeded to cry myself to sleep because I knew he was gonna break that promise too and I didn't know how I was gonna get out of this one and I proceeded to have a nightmare where I told him no and over time it built up pin him and he ended up cheating on me and then breaking up with me because I couldn't satisfy him in bed. That melted into some alternative universe or some shit where I let him do anal and it was horrible and I was crying and wanted to stop and he held me down and did it anyway and you can imagine I woke up this morning and wasn't having too good of a day.I don't know what I should do. He is really loving to me and we have the same friends group and we really do care about each other but I got some problems(as you can tell) that make me a little more scared and flighty while he is very much into the whole "ima marry you and we are gonna live on a farm and have an army of kids"(direct quote). I just think I need to talk to him and its gonna end badly and HALP IM A HOPELESS IDIOT WITH MENTAL PROBLEMS I JUST WANNA BURY THIS DEEP INSIDE AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.​I am so sorry for that essay and thank you for reading how emotionally disturbed I am thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. via /r/dating_advice

[oflgtfol]

god i know how much i go on about voltron as a show but literally fuck the fandom too

like i swear to god i still cannot believe that after seasons of it, 80% of the people who actually said anything about shiro and his mistreatment in canon were all fhucking sha//ies who represented him as a predator in their ships. and god some of them make legitimate points!! its 20 fucking 18 and im still seeing this one sha/adin raise more valid points about how vld did shiro dirty than anyone else ever fucking did !!!!!!

Yall only started caring about him when it was revealed that he was gay! and yes that was amazing to hear at the time but hes also a disabled mentally ill asian man!!!!!!!! who’s been used for torture porn for so many seasons but yall didnt fucking care at all!!! even when he was revealed to be gay before s7 yall didnt raiss these issues all of you were all the sudden shiro stans out of nowhere like yeah oh fucking kay alright. s1-6 had a ton of mistreatment towards him so the announcement of him being gay didnt change any of this previous shit and yet no one cared.

no one cared about these issues until s7 dropped and the whole queerbait/bury your gays mess happened. only then did people discuss the ableism and racism and all that shit directed at shiro beforehand. and STILL 97% of the critical posts were about the s7 mess! like uhm heello SHIRO WAS DEAD FOR FOUR SEASONS AND LITERALLY NO ONE CARED EXCEPT SHIRO STANS.. and because no one cared for him 80% of shiro stans are freaks!!!!

and even after s7 and hm being gay, no one cared about HIM. what about the fact he was taken out of the black lion, stripped of his leadership and position of power especially against his abusers??? what about the fact he was fucking dead for four seasons???? what about the clone storyline??? what about his ptsd flashbacks that were only ever used as plot devices and never used again????? but nobody fucking cared about this and even when you “cared” about him after s7 you only ever discussed the homophobia in s7 and yes yes yes it is super important to discuss, but also the events of previous seasons are made even MORE heinous now with the fact that he’s gay added on top it! its already sus as hell that hes suffered the most out of all the characters as a disabled, mentally ill asian man, but now hes gay as well and hes gone through all this? and the straight white characters dont suffer shit??

like idk its just transparent that yall only started caring about him after the announcement because all the outrage over the representation failure only ever looked at the bullshit in season 7. and it does a huge disservice to shiro as a whole character that yall used the gay announcement as a reason to sudden “stan” him as if you can stan him for one reason only when theres literrally no evidenxs of it in previous seasons before it (before s7 actually dropped but after the announcement) and therefore his character has only ever existed outside of this word ofgod. its like yall loved the idea of him based off this one one fact and not the rest of him even though theres plenty more to enjoy, especially from the representation outlook!!!! and yall never care about the casual ways he’s undermined and removed from the main cast and put through more suffering, yall only cared about the events at face value and it shows that thats the only thing you ever cared about because you didnt care to dig deeper about how he’s been portrayed in the show before that

like yall abandoned him to the absolute fucking freaks who made him into a predator for their Yaoi Ships ex dee and then when youre suddenly stanning him because of a statment from the crew outside of canon yall are suddenly like “lets reclaim him!!” as if he wasnt worthy of reclaiming before all this lol

also the announcement that he was gay reeked of bad vibes and literally no one guessed excspt for shiro stans because HEY GUESS WHAT!! he acuslly care about how hes treated because we care about him as a character!! and its disingenuous for you to claim you do too with your “shiro stan” when youre onlya shiro stan bc of the announement.. and we all knew it was gonna be bad news spexcifically because of how he was treated in canon prior to season 7. we, or at least i, had bad vibes from the started but we (or at least i) hoped for the best despite it, and when we were let down yes it was disappointing and infuriating but its not like i havent seen this coming based off the writers track record. but 95% of the fandom was blind sided because yall never actually cared for him.

and when we made posts after s7 about how hes ALWAYS been mistreated.... people only cared about what happened in s7. shocking.

like god, the crew did him dirty but so did the fandom and im still pissed as hell about it. shiro deserved better than both this stupid ass show and the shitty fandom

[survivorindia]

Disturbing Patrons with my Mental Breakdown- Kendall (Episode 8)

Okay, soooo. I'm pretty sure all of the returnees threw the challenge RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in order to vote out the minority newbies... Aka me.... So, I'm pretty pissed off as it's evident that I'm the only one who actually TRIED at this challenge, when I clearly shouldn't have because I'm extremely sick with strep and should be sleeping all day. SOOO, that was a huge waste of my time and I'm pretty pissed about it... But it's fine, bitches. Satan will see you in hell <3 :*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE JUST THREW THE CHALLENGE. I have never thrown a challenge before and that was terrifying. If this backfires on me i'm gonna look like a moron but I have good faith. Hopefully bye bye Ruben, Worst case scenario bye bye Casey, Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye allies, and Worst-Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye Jordan

i definitely picked my tribe with the intention of screwing someone over. i think things have revealed themselves nicely on where loyalties still lie, and while one or two people might think they're in the driver's seat, i'm in a good position to shift the gears without them noticing. and that means their car will crash and we all die. hehe.  i'm prepared to make a move if we lose immunity, but im not letting that happen. i want to win this one just so i can be safe one more round. figure things out a little more. let tea spill. but i'm not going to let myself make the same mistakes and spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. i'll keep information to myself. i know i'm on the bottom of the returnees alliance and probably the newbies one, too. but i'm content for right now, because ultimately the returnees will start to fall. we'll be picked off one by one. dom wants to throw immunity, and sometimes its not a bad idea to do that, but this round, it needs to not happen. ruben will likely go home but i dont think he trusted me in the first place, so it's his time. sorry.

i'll take his position if he does. lexi needs a #2 and its between robin and myself. i respect robin bc they were there for me when i had no one else there for me. i feel like i've known them for years, but we just met and thats powerful. i have a powerful bond to this person. they're important to me. but this is also a game and i know my competition when i see it. if they have to go at my expense of making it another day, i'll do it.  idk if im still a villain or if im becoming a hero. i think that's up for determination. 

LOOOL WILD TRIBAL. BUH-BYE, JULIA. GLAD I DIDN'T SEE YOU AHAHAHAAAAA

This is oh so sweet. If everything goes well, bye bye, Ruben! This one's for Johnny.

Can i just say........ HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JAIDEN FUCK YOU DOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULIA LEFT. Lets get down to brief overview and how i feel about it  1) Julia gets voted off.....SO MAD 2) Alex, Dom, Jaiden are in clear alliance of three, split the tribes up so everyones pair is separated...so basically...jordan and I are gone, casey and ash, ruben and lexi ...u get the point. 3) They put me on a tribe to fuck me over...im gone when they make these tribes and I come back to the ugliest tribe ever. Jaiden. Robin. Dom. Lexi. Alexis. Ashley and I. Now Ash and I are just sitting there like.................................i – i- this plan is so obvious??!?!? and do those three boys think its not obvious their together and they did this on purpose to FUCK ME OVER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! um why u so obsessed with me BACK OFF 4) Ashley calls me at work during the comp and TELLS ME DOM IS TRYING TO THROW THE COMPITITION..................to say that the reason hes doing that is to save casey....thats right CASEY. YA RIGHT DOM FUCK OFF WHO DO U THINK WE ARE..........................now lets talk about this because ...................bitch u really want to try me!?! I know those three boys arent as stupid as their moves are coming off!?!? but do they think this is believable!?!?!? Seriously? Im kinda confused because a) They vote julia equalling in jordan and i coming full force on them.....like if ur gonna go for the two headed snake ....dont go for its tail? Sorry but julia was just a number. Jordan and I are the ones who game talk together and as much as i hate playing with him...i love playing with him if that makes any sense. b) you want to throw a competition...to what? To get me out? um....do you underestimate jordan , kendall and I? Yea were on two different tribes but its clearly obvious im fucked over. As if they wouldnt throw this comp.  5) We win immunity....and you would think the way ppl were acting was as if we lost. But it was so obvious everyone of them threw that and im PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [7:00:19 PM] jaiden: that's fucking bullshit [7:00:24 PM] jaiden: I went back and CORRECTED myself [7:00:26 PM] jaiden: i'm pissed [7:00:36 PM] jaiden: I'm glad we won but FUCK. THAT. [7:09:57 PM] Sarah: ARENT U HA;PPPYYY [7:10:00 PM] Sarah: YUHJGEDSXF [7:10:08 PM] jaiden: that would've been sooooooo bad sarah [7:10:19 PM] jaiden: I would've felt like SHIT if we had to go to tribal all because I made a simple mistake ............Jaiden................You had the lowest score on our tribe. And you think i didnt know I was going if we lost?.... “Simple mistake” mhm HUNTY I BELIEVE U FOR SURE Now its kinda obvious what dom is doing and honestly......................................fuck u wtf do u think ur doing being a better player than me? I cant wait till i vote ur ass out. Please take it as a compliment Actually...wait  no fuck u binch face motherfuck i hate u anyways so i was thinking that if we lost immunity ...i could come up with a plan. Jordan gives me the idol, it will be publicly shared, Jaiden will immediately come to me freaking out because hes being a fake ass, asking if jordan gave me the idol...I will tell him (in confidence HAHHAHAHAHAHA) that jordan gave me a fake one and that i only did it so people are scared to vote me out. He'll tell dom so they dont switch votes on Ashley. Then when I get majority votes ill idol out my votes, ashley puts one vote on me, i put one vote on dom so it ties. So if dom plays his idol it will be WASTED ANYWAYS. But if they split votes then ill be safe who cares if ashley goes home. Because im safe and in f13!!!!!!!!!! and hopefully merge happens soon so i can stop doing this. But its ok bc im gonna pray kendall and jordan throw the next comp. Honestly I love Kendall so much I want a f2 with her now that Julia is gone. So watch out for that in the future. http://i.imgur.com/D8kFHyf.gif DONT MESS WITH ME I WILL SELL MY SOUL JUST TO MAKE SURE I MAKE MERGE

Candle added Jordan Pines to this conversation.  From: Candle Jordan you know I adore you Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Jordan Pines oh no Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Candle But if you want to make a group chat, do it yourself Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle From: Jordan Pines hahahaha Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines this callout XDDDDDD Sent on: 2:10 pm  I couldn't have said that better myself Sent From: Candle Kay well I’ve made my point so get off my lawn you damn youngings Sent on: 2:11 pm Candle has removed Jordan Pines from this conversation Candle has removed Gavin from this conversation  AYYYYYYYE. YES. KENDALL. YES.

I hate getting lied to at Tribal Councils, but Julia left which is actually a good thing and kind of my fault oops. It's Kendall all over again in Malaysia. 

 But yeah, things got messy but I got to pick my tribe for the tribe swap. Jaiden and I got on call and decided we were going to split everyone up (Sarah/Jordan, Ruben/Lexi, Casey/Dom), so that's really fun and exciting. It'll be neat to see how everything goes with the pairs being split. Gavin and I are still together which is sweet. 

 I'm pissed about the vote count at Tribal. Jaiden ruined my no vote streak, but at least he did it on Day 87 for me not getting votes, which is my favorite number. 

I haven't been having fun in India and I never really knew why. It wasn't as though I was losing, it wasn't as though I was in any danger. I was just bored... it felt like something was missing, aside from my soul. So I had a heart to heart with myself over a cup of coffee. I went up to me and said "Me, what's wrong? I've been acting sadder then I usually am, what's wrong egg?" I simply gave myself a shrug and sadly responded "I dunno, I really want to have fun but something is missing... it feels like I am going through the motions," I gave myself a sad sigh. "Oh me, what am I going to with I? How am I going to win a game that I don't have the will to even play," It was at this time I was politely, but sternly, asked to leave by the Starbuck's Barista because I was "disturbing patrons with my mental breakdown," Which was bullshit by the way, I've had like 6 mental breakdown and they are not nearly as tame as me talking to myself. And so, as I argued with the barista and as threatened to call the cops, I had a realization. I have been experiencing the human emotion known as 'pouting'. I have given up because I felt like I had no opportunity to get to the end, that I was either going to get dragged as a goat or voted pre merge. But I have things I can use to my advantage. I don't have to lie down and play dead. If I just pretend to be a good little soldier until merge, reconvene with Sarah and some others, I could do something incredible. For now I just need to play nice. I have decided to stick with my allies. Not because I suddenly grew a brain. Not because I felt some sort of kinship with them or 'friendship'. It's just the best thing I can do Here is an elaboratation on my reasoning the form of a chart: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qPAkC4IhbNWgE2II29QqNaQFR1rgckfBEK_yKCOat5A/edit?usp=sharing 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention during my ego maniacal ramblings. We are going to probably through the challenge to save Sarah (For strictly strategic purposes... I promise). I say probably because nothing has been confirmed. TBH if we lose, even if it is unintentionally, I'm about 80% sure Jordan Pines will claim that he meant to do it. Welp that's a common side effect of working with a narcissist. What are you gonna do?

Okay so FUCK this tribe swap. I am literally stuck on a tribe of people I have like never even spoken to, that is my fault of course, but damn how did I get so unlucky? Jaiden says he chose me because I am good in challenges and that I am a nice person, I mean that is nice and all but I am now separated from Gavin, Jordan, Alex, literally anyone who I actually liked and was hoping to really get to work with. This counting challenge is also a goddamn mess. Dom has gotten us like -25,000 points already ON PURPOSE. He tells me he likes me and isn't coming after me, but that leaves only two other returnees on our tribe that he could go after; Jaiden and Sarah. Sarah is kind of certain that Jaiden and Dom are working together, which kind of goes against the whole "newbies vs. villains" thing they are trying to start. But who knows. I can only hope the guys on the other tribe will also try throwing some challenges to give Sarah and I a chance over here on this tribe. They don't want newbies to have majority either.

Jaiden picked me to be on his tribe so that was perfect because I really did not want to be on the other tribe. Lexi spoke to me a bit and let me know that Ruben talked highly of me and how she was fond of me for that reason Robin's nice Jaiden's cool and we've both wanted to be on the same tribe for quite a while now so that finally happened Ashley rarely ever speaks to me and forgets to reply constantly Sarah only now started talking to me a bit more since she believes she's in the minority and Jordan probably said she could flip me Dom is a bit suspicious at times but I believe he trusts me and that he wants to take the newbies far I lost it again last night after the results, I should have done my confessional then but everyone already assumes I'm already crazy so maybe we'll save that for later. I feel a bit more calm now but last night I wanted to request tribal and still do sort of but I don’t think it’s possible. I wish I threw the challenge since I hate when the other tribe gets what they want and I don’t want Ruben to go. I like this Lexi, Robin, Dom group going on so I am hoping to solidify that soon and I think they assume it’s newbies vs returnees still. I’m hoping that by some miracle, a returnee gets voted out and apparently Dom just handed Ruben an idol. I believe Jordan assumes I’m closest with him still and that’s why Sarah has been trying to talk to me more lmao! I like Jordan so we'll see where that goes but he's controlling a huge part of the game as of now. Sarah should have tried a bit earlier to speak to me because now it seems like desperation, but I’ll keep playing this middle role, it amuses me. Sarah said she only really talks to Ashley so that's nothing new since I assumed she was close with her from that returnee alliance before the swap. Here’s to hoping the next challenge is something easily thrown so we can finally say goodbye to Sarah or Ashley :)

That was honestly a messy challenge result. I don't necessarily blame anyone for throwing though. I didn't know I was in the negatives so I'm sure everyone probably made mistakes they didn't catch. I'm worried for Ruben. He's the only one from my old alliance on the other tribe. Dom gave him his idol though so he'll hopefully be safe. On another note, I've been talking to the other Lexi. To be honest, if started off because I confused her for lexi my ally. We're getting along pretty well. She's definitely someone I'd like to work with in the future. Jaiden's also pretty cool so I have my bases covered once we go to tribal