#idk I don’t want this to feel personal to anyone bc it truly isn’t

[girlvinland]

This is a post I don't really feel good about writing, but at the same time, it's something I feel like I keep wanting to vent about and that I don't really...have enough places to vent about. I have my therapist, but I feel like even then, I can't unload it all on her bc I feel like I never have enough time even if it comes up here and there. Unloading it on other people who aren't her typically leads to them going on the defensive about the things I want to talk about, even when I try to be gentle or more objective in discussing it. I feel like here is one of the places I usually feel okay talking (even though I know that's probably stupid in some ways), but idk. It's comfortable because it's familiar and bc my words aren’t being directed at any one person. Sorry this is really long, btw.

I feel like I've talked about sexuality so much the past year or so, and I feel like I've taken so long, like...longer than a lot of people...to fully unravel things about myself. My teens were reserved for me barely scratching the surface of anything bc I was petrified of it and had zero exposure to anything that would have helped me in any way. My twenties were like, the first stage of my actual exploration and unfurling, where I was like...wait...this is a viable option? Other people are like this...I'm meeting people who understand. Does that mean I could let myself have that option too? But I still went on like no...no. I'm basically meant to live someone else's life and not seek out any further answers. The past five years I did seek out more answers and really did a lot of work, and that's like...still quite a long time to sort through some of this (or at least, it feels that way).

All of that is just history now though, so it’s not actually what I want to discuss. The thing that I don't feel good about is how my emotions have felt wrt everything currently. I've started to feel like such a bitter person for it, but I don't know if, in some way, the things I feel are justified after years of trying to understand my relationship to the world at large and how my sexuality relates to it. I want to believe that they are and that I'm just at a stage where I can experience these emotions fully in ways I haven’t before and that eventually they'll start to mellow out.

For instance, the past couple of years I've started to become somewhat like…irrationally irritated when it comes to hearing about boyfriends/husbands/etc of my friends who are cis women. Sometimes in general, but mostly when it's in the context of someone complaining about their partner in a day-to-day sort of way. The normalization of that in a heteronormative society has started to become something I just…really dislike hearing about. After going through my own “straight-passing” relationships (idk if this term is ok to use and I’ll change it if not), I almost feel like I just don't have the time or care for it anymore, even when I want to be supportive. Also, it’s hard for me to not apply my own experiences and biases, and a part of me always ends up wanting to be like. If you aren't happy, please try and do something to fix it. Converse with your partner about it. Leave if it's bad enough that you can't deal with it anymore. Get a therapist for yourself or both of you to work things out. Idk. It feels unfair for me to be like that when family or friends want to vent, but I also find it so hard to deal with now or like, it sends my brain to the boomer comic “I hate my wife but I’m just going to complain and not doing anything to change it” realm (and I understand that a lot of times, it is the partner who has little interest in changing things even when the other person is trying, which is even more frustrating to some extent).

The other thing I feel guilty about is this disdain I've developed of hearing about cis male celebrities/characters/crushes in more heterosexual regards (I want to specify that this doesn’t mean I actively dislike the celebs or characters or anything like that, not usually anyway. There are a ton of male chars I enjoy and everything, and tbh idc that much about celebrities in general). I feel like for the past few years I've been going through a period where I'm so tired of being exposed to it though (even with my own chars being sexualized by other ppl tbh) and all I want to do is to engage in media/culture that somehow dismantles anything cisheteronormative or that focuses on couples that aren’t cis/straight (I’ve esp sought out so much more wlw-adjacent media in recent years bc I’ve found myself connecting to it in a way that’s like…holy shit I want to make up for years of things I didn’t have access to or didn’t know existed).

Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like talking about that more often leads to a level of anger or annoyance on the part of people who don't feel that way, even though there is so much less media and discussion about those things in general. A lot of this is more relevant to irl straight friends I have and stuff, where it's fine for them to talk about all of the things they like when it relates to men or romance centered around men, but I don't necessarily have the same ability/level of acceptance from them to discuss media focused on anything else wrt romance/sexuality. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of queer friends and whatnot, but most of them live elsewhere now (I also live elsewhere from many of them) and in general, the majority of people I'm exposed to in regular life are usually straight bc statistically that's just how it is and everything. It frustrates me though how it feels so acceptable for them to talk about whatever male celebrity/char or straight romance thing is popular, but I just kind of have to stand there and nod while wishing I could talk about the stuff I like too when it comes to like, wlw/lesbian media or whatever. That sounds selfish, but I feel like it reflects society’s general view on anything queer, and I think that’s why it gets to me more. Like maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much if that wasn’t the default/if I could speak about things as freely too. I know a lot of people feel that way, I don’t mean to make that or any of this post sound like some experience that is unique to me.

Anyway. I'm sorry if this vent comes off as weird or abrasive at all. It's really, really not my intention, nor is it directed at any one person or relationship and is more just a reflection on how my emotions are now when I think about cisheternormative society and that kind of thing. In the past I was able to kind of...blind myself to a lot of it, I think, or at least be more jokey about it in the times when it did annoy me. And after the years of working to distance myself from it, these aspects of it have started to seem really pervasive, even more so than I felt they were before. Like I said, I don't feel good about feeling these things and I don't want to always feel them. I hope I can work through them and get to a place where they don't bother me, or at least, not as much as now. I truly think it's a situation of like…breaking free of my own binds/feeling this freedom now and seeing things in a different light than I was able to before when I had the blinders on, and maybe once I settle into myself more, I’ll be able to shake those emotions off or find better ways to cope with them. I feel like a lot of this is stuff that’s always existed and always will, and the ways in which society operates are very hard to change, but I can kind of adapt the way I see and experience things so that they’re healthier for me. I’m just. Still in the early stages of doing that, and maybe it will take a little time to understand how to make it more productive/easier for myself. I didn’t get to this place overnight, and I’m sure I have a lot more to learn on this particular journey.

[viderose]

he’s annoying, i don’t like him (he hasn’t given me as much attention lately)

[sunflowersandsapphires]

Self-Indulgent HCs

pairing(s): Frank Castle x fem!Reader, Matt Murdock x fem!Reader, Michael Kinsella x fem!Reader

summary: How each of the boys would care for you when you were sick, headcanons bc i am tired

warnings: non-graphic, general descriptions of sickness (just cold/fever, not covid)

a/n: this month was already rough on my allergies but i came down with quite possibly the worst cold I’ve ever had. (It’s literally so bad i had to use PTO instead of WFH days? I am literally dying.) I wrote this when I was feverish and couldn’t sleep to make myself feel better. I hope someone out there likes it 😭

Frank

I think Frank would worry a lot when his partner was sick.

He’s lost so many people and he doesn’t have a huge circle so i think it takes him by surprise a little.

But he’d do his best to hide his worries by going about his day and comforting you.

He’d get fresh produce from the store and make you delicious soup, pick up tissues and medicine for you, threaten anyone who tried to make you go into work

“Your boss still pullin’ that shit? Gimme the phone, let me talk to ‘em”

He loves being your big spoon anyways but he would not let you go if you looked or sounded ill. You’d be nestled carefully against his chest while he stroked your back until you fell asleep.

He’d keep you entertained by reading to you or watching whatever TV your fever-ridden mind is craving.

Above all, he wouldn’t leave your side until you were feeling better.

The smile on his face the next time you take him out would be brilliant. He’s just so happy that you’re here with him and feeling better.

Matt

Personally, i hate the idea of getting people sick more than actually being sick sometimes but i think this would especially be the case with Matt

His senses are so delicate, I wouldn’t want to fuck with him by being gross and loud or by getting him sick.

But there is no way this man isn’t the biggest self-sacrificing-mother-hen when someone he loves is sick.

He’d sense your illness before you would, and encourage you to take it easy and sleep a bit extra that week (above all, he’s a hypocrite.)

Of course, he’s a bit embarrassed of everything he can do, or maybe you don’t know the extent of what he is capable of, so he plays it off as “you’ve been working so hard lately, sweetheart, you need to take it easy.”

A day or two before the bug hits you like a truck, he’d come over with a bag from the pharmacy that’s just chock-full of DayQuil and Tea and cough drops and like a single bandaid

He poorly plays it off as “uh, your first aid kit was low, remember?”

Once you’re well and truly sick, he’d be stubborn as a mule if you tried to keep him away. You lock him out of your apartment? You wake up from a nap wrapped in a Devil-shaped blanket to find that someone picked your window lock.

At that point, you just cave and let him stay because you are so cold and he’s so so warm.

Mikey

Not afraid of using his puppy dog eyes to get you to stay home or in bed.

Also not afraid of crying wolf and pretending that he’s not feeling well to make you take a break

“Sorry, pet, my head is hammerin’. Think we could lay down fer a bit?”

Combined WITH the puppy eyes? You don’t stand a chance.

Though you usually take care of the housework while he’s dealing with his family’s business, he wouldn’t let you lift a finger until your temperature was normal and your voice came back.

It’s as if you’re the only person that exists to him, he’s running around trying to anticipate your every need.

It’s been a while since he’s dealt with the real world so he might ask Birdy for advice on how to care for a sick person.

Lots of home remedies (idk just vibes.)

He would have you lean against him in a scalding shower to clear your sinuses or draw you a nice bath.

Keep cool water and a cloth by the bed to bring your fever down.

Hand you cup after cup of tea until you have to threaten to tie him to the bed.

“Just lay with me, please”

“Of course, pet. Anything fer ya.”

[formereldestdaughter]

ok wait i need to hear more of your thoughts on peeta owning a bakery....

This is one of those rare times where I’m pretty sure this anon isn’t someone I know personally bc I’ve subjected anyone who will listen to my rant about the Peeta Bakery Headcanon. Anyway, you’re gonna regret asking this anon bc there are fucking Layers here.

I know this is probably a controversial take based on the number of fics where I’ve seen it, but I simply do not think that Peeta would open a commercial bakery after Mockingjay!! Like on a metatextual level, I don’t think it really fits with the point of the ending of the series. It actually sort of fascinates me that it’s just such a common headcanon because the ending of Mockingjay is exceedingly vague. I think that vagueness invites us, as readers, to imagine a better world post-revolution. A world where Katniss would feel confident that her children would be safe from injustice, where she’d feel confident that her children would never know want the way she did as a child. A just world. A kinder world. Can a capitalist society ever be just? Is a capitalist society where a disabled teenager has no other means to subsist himself (or feels like there’s no other way he can be a contributing member of his community) really the post-revolution world we dream of? Is that really the best we can imagine?

(This got so insanely long I’m adding a read more lmao)

I get that showing a better world is not always the point of post-mockingjay headcanons/fics. Like there are plenty of really great post-mockingjay fics I’ve seen where, yeah, part of the fic is that society like ISN’T all that different or all that much better. I’ve seen that really well done! Hell, I’ve written them myself! It’s easy to imagine how a lot of aspects of society would not get an overhaul, a lot of the same structural inequalities would continue to exist. One headcanon that really stuck with me (I can’t remember which fic it was from) was that Peeta sells basically mail order baked goods to people on the Capitol, sending them iced cakes and pastries by train, because there are still people who were “fans” of theirs during the Games. And idk this doesn’t actually have much to do with my point lol but I liked it because it’s kind of fucked up and like! Yeah! It makes sense! If he needed money that would be a good way to make it! War often makes people rich, often for horrible reasons, and often it’s people who already have capital in the first place.

Anyway, more about the hypothetical bakery because alright. I bring up the fact that “yeah society not being all that different post-revolution and still being an unjust capitalist hellscape” could be a reason why Peeta re-opens a bakery because that’s actually never the types of fics where I see the bakery headcanon. Fics where Peeta opens a bakery are usually trying to make the exact opposite point. Like. Things are getting better, now he can open a bakery! Look at how much better the world is now, plus he’s got a bakery! Peeta is healing, that’s why he can open a bakery now! And I am so, so sorry to inform everyone who’s never had the grave misfortune of owning a family business, but there is truly nothing further from the truth lmao. Like just putting aside the immense amount of emotional baggage that Peeta has about his family, running a small business is an insane amount of work in any context and being a baker especially is physically grueling and involves early hours (and long hours) that aren’t really the best fit with the multiple ways that Peeta is disabled now. (I could go into this more because I have a lot of thoughts. But I will spare you.). I also think it’s seen throughout the books that Peeta is someone who needs time to pursue creative outlets to process his feelings and someone who values leisure and values quality time with his loved ones. And having grown up in his family’s bakery, I think he’d understand the reality that running a bakery wouldn’t leave much space of those pursuits and wouldn’t leave much space for him to have the things that keep him healthy and stable. I think he’d know that the way he is now— after two Games and the war and unspeakable torture at the hands of a dictator—isn’t compatible with the lifestyle necessary for running a commercial bakery.

And tbh with that in mind, I don’t think he’d push himself to re-open a business (one that would be a constant reminder of his dead family and his complicated relationships with them that got no closure) that would require him to sacrifice his physical and emotional well-being. Like I think he might look into the possibility, I think he might even start trying to open a bakery out of a sense of obligation/duty, maybe harboring some idea that this is who he was supposed to be, who he would've been without the Games, or that it’s this last piece of his family that can live on, or that it’s this last connection to his family so he can’t let it die too. But ultimately, I think any attempt to open a bakery wouldn’t get very far. Maybe he'd start wading into the logistical nightmare that is small business ownership and realize it's not for him (because it's probably also true that as much as him and his brothers were involved in the business, there's almost certainly parts they weren't involved with and didn't see, i.e., filing taxes). Or maybe looking into opening a bakery— how triggering it is, the stress of it— causes a downward spiral. Maybe he hates how much he's worrying everyone by unraveling. Maybe having a breakdown from the stress of just trying to open a bakery makes him realize, yeah, maybe in another life he would have ran his family’s bakery but the way he is now just doesn’t work with running a bakery, not without great sacrifices he's not willing to make. I just can’t see a bakery coming to fruition.

I know a lot of fics include Peeta deciding to reopen a bakery as a big step in his healing or include him rebuilding a bakery as part of his healing process but honestly, I think the opposite would be more true: I think Peeta either trying/failing to open a bakery or ultimately deciding not to open a bakery would be hugely healing for him. I think it would be a huge part of him accepting the way he is now as a person, his new limitations but also his strengths. I think it would be a huge part of him accepting the way his life his now and accepting that he likes his life the way it is, that he’s satisfied with his life without needing to own a bakery. I think it would be an important part of him coming to terms with the loss of his family. I think he knows he can never have things back as they were and I don’t think he would try to recreate them, especially because his family’s legacy isn’t a business. I think he’s emotionally intelligent enough and self reflective enough to realize that what mattered to him about the bakery— taking care of others by feeding them, being integrated into his community and being actively involved in it, brightening people’s days with delightful things whether that’s beautiful cakes or hearty food or delicious treats— and the things he learned from his family through the bakery, are things that he can carry on in other meaningful ways.

(Do you regret sending this ask yet, anon? Because if not, you will soon. I’m not done yet. There’s more.)

I wasn’t really sure where to put this next part in what is rapidly becoming an essay because it sort of combines the points about like “what do we imagine a post-mockingjay society to look like” with the practical difficulties of starting this bakery but here’s another thing: do people really think that the Mellarks owned the land the bakery was on?? Like, sure, the merchants are the petit bourgeois of Twelve but I still don’t imagine they really own anything. In a society where houses are assigned to people upon marriage, where property ownership and capital are so closely interconnected with citizenship (as shown by the Plinths who, by having immense capital, are able to leave their District and become citizens of the Capitol) do people really think the Mellarks would be allowed to own the land their bakery is on?? I always imagined it sort of like a tenant farming situation: the Capitol gives them the raw materials for the bakery and in return the bakery give them some absurdly high portion of their profits, or the Capitol sells them a year’s supply of raw materials at a premium on credit and at the end of the year the Mellarks have to use the money they made with those materials to pay it back, except it’s never enough to turn a profit so they always have to buy next year’s materials on credit and the cycle continues.

We (understandably) get a really skewed view of the merchant class through Katniss’s perspective so I can see why people come to the conclusion that his family owned the property and, as the last surviving member, he would’ve inherited it. I’ve seen the inheritance thing in fics a lot or a hand wavey “well Twelve was decimated to no one owns anything anymore so it can be his” or even like an almost sort of reparations type situation where he’s entitled to the land as a surviving refugee of Twelve. But I don’t know. I guess I don’t think it fits with everything else we know about Panem that the Mellarks would’ve owned that land and I think the question of whether the government would’ve let him take ownership of the land post-revolution brings up a lot of issues about the structure of society post-Mockingjay that I find more interesting to explore in other ways, especially when, from an emotional perspective, 1) I find the idea of Peeta not opening a bakery more compelling and 2) I don’t think it really fits his character arc by the end of Mockingjay to reopen a bakery, as I went on about at length above lol.

On the flip side: literally who cares!! Do whatever you want!! Headcanon whatever you want!! I get why people go for the bakery!! It’s fun, it’s wholesome, it’s a built in bakery AU that isn’t even an AU. It doesn’t matter if it’s practical or realistic!! It doesn’t need to be practical or realistic!! It’s fanfic of a dystopian YA series!! My unfortunate affliction is that I grew up in a family that owned a restaurant and that I have multiple degrees in the social sciences so I can’t see the bakery without being like “What about the overheard? What about the start up costs? Who’s spending long nights balancing the books? Is Peeta covering shifts when an employee calls in sick? Is Peeta the sole person working there until the bakery is open long enough (often a year or more) to start turning a profit? How does that sleep schedule work with his nightmares? How does that work with Katniss’s nightmares? What happens when he has an episode and suddenly needs to take the day off before he has any employees? Does the bakery just remain closed for the day? Can the profit margins withstand regular unexpected closures? Can the supplies withstand regular unexpected closures?” And if the answer is “Elliott none of those things matter he’s not doing the bakery because he needs the money but because he wants to”, then my question is why does he want to? Does he not get the same sort of satisfaction out of feeding his loved ones? Doesn’t Peeta seem like someone who would rather give away baked goods than sell them?? Doesn’t Peeta seem like someone who would prefer to make cakes for people’s special occasions upon and then when they insist on paying him for it, he only lets them “pay for the ingredients” which actually cost significantly more than he says they did??

So yeah my point is that it’s a matter of personal taste! It doesn’t fit the way I see the series but that doesn’t mean it’s like wrong, I’m not an authority on Peeta lmao.

It’s also a matter of personal taste in the sense that I find the themes that most resonate with me at the end of Mockingjay (and the end of Peeta’s arc specifically) more interesting to explore in other ways. Grief, living with loss, relearning yourself, finding hope, figuring out your place in a dramatically different world when you don’t even know who you are anymore, healing, building a new life after such complete and total destruction of your old life— those are all things I find compelling about the end of Mockingjay but for me the bakery isn’t the most compelling way to explore them.

Not to say I find the concept of the bakery totally uninteresting. I have this fic about Johanna that I’ll probably never finish where the point sort of is that, yeah, her life really isn’t all that much better after the war. It’s been years at this point and she’s still miserable and she doesn’t know how to be a person but by the end she’s trying to figure it out. And towards the end, Peeta tells her that he’s spent years sort of passively, half-heartedly trying to figure out how to inherit the land his family’s bakery was on, only to find out it was never theirs in the first place. They’d been renting it the whole time and he’d never even known as a kid. So he sort of passively, half-heartedly went on another wild goose chase to find the owner and now, finally, after years of writing to various government agencies and being sent in circles and things being barely functional, he’s managed to track down the owner. Now it’s owned by the daughter of the man who owned it when he was a kid because the original owner (who was likely up to some sketchy war crime shit) died during the war and she inherited it (the irony…). He got in contact with her and asked how much it would take for her to sell it and she told him she’s not interested in selling but in light of the situation, in light of the fact that he’d have to build a new building in order to operate a bakery, that she’d cut him a deal— she’d only require 50% of the bakery’s profits as rent instead of the 80% his family used to pay. And of course Johanna is outraged, that’s not right, the owner shouldn’t be allowed to do that, they should do something about it, they should fight back. And Peeta is like. Not interested. He was actually sort of relieved that opening wasn’t very feasible. Getting the answer was a lightbulb moment where he saw that over the years of trying to look into this, he’s built a life that he likes— one where he’s stable, where his loved ones are stable, where he’s cared for and can care for others— and he doesn’t really want to change it drastically by opening a bakery anyway. He just needed an answer, one way or another, before he could get some closure and move on. (And the point of the conversation is Johanna is having her own lightbulb moment that it’s okay to move on, it’s okay to change, it’s not a betrayal of the people and things she’s lost but that’s not my point here!!).

But anyway. That’s obviously not about running the bakery— it’s about the choice to not run one.

Anyway!! Anyway… are you satisfied anon? Is this what you wanted?

Lastly, here is my most important qualm with the bakery headcanon: must Peeta be gainfully employed? Is it not enough for him to be Katniss’s boytoy? Can’t he just paint and garden and bake and hang out with his girlfriend all day? Is that really too much to ask?

[thehuntyhunties]

this is so specific, but like when i was younger, i was a huggge fan of therealgonzoldyck’s fic black butterfly (which i found reuploaded on wattpad when i was like 13/14 lol), and like i knew of the plagiarism (since the person who reuploaded it, mentioned it), but i just couldn’t figure out how tumblr works.

i haven’t thought about it in years, but i’ve been thinking about it again, and i truly just need all the tea on that situation 😭 just for some childhood closure onto what happened. and i saw you in the search bar talking about how you were there for it. so i would love to know all your thoughts about the matter :)

obviously this isn’t meant to gossip or anything, since i’m aware it was in like 2015, so i assume therealgonzoldyck has learned their lesson and changed. i’m just really curious, and into fandom history lol. if this is too invasive or something, you definitely don’t have to answer it! :) ty if you even read it though. i’m just really nosey, lol!

omg

ATTENTION MY FELLOW PRESENT-IN-2015-HXH-TUMBLRITES, WUZZY'S SHIT MEMORY CALLS FOR AID

jfc i haven't thought about that fic in years. i uh. i have to admit that i personally didn't like it, iirc i think i thought the perspective/POV felt inconsistent and it kept throwing me off? basically i kept getting confused so i stopped reading it. But I really liked one specific oneshot they posted was a zombie apocalypse survival story that was mostly Killua sobbing in a bunker bc Gon was dead, so, idk what that says about me. Would love to know what fandom that one was originally for, if any.

unfortunately for this fandom lore gossip sesh, while i was technically around when all this went down, I was still only a peripheral lurker to the fandom in 2015 – and i'd just powered through the anime in May/June anyways – so i didn't actually have a front row seat for the whole therealgonzoldyck drama, as much as i love to reference it. (I love to reference it because the entire thing was buckwild and i NEED people to know that this happened)

What i DO remember is this: (a) I read a different oneshot that made me go "[confused greyhound headtilt] Huh this sounds like it should be a Teen Wolf fic? Because Killua uses a specific ability that Scott McCall literally just got earlier this season?? but it's not a Teen Wolf AU???? i'm confused." (b) eventually the plagiarism news trickled down to me in the form of a callout post (?) with screenshots showing that BB was originally an Inception fic or something. (c) me, three months later when i remembered all this happened: "oh so that WAS a Teen Wolf fic all along!!!! AHA!!!!!"

anyways. @autumnxsunflower i feel like we've talked about this drama before or at least you'd be more likely to remember it than I am? feel free to chime in if you want to spill some tea as well (and anyone else who's got details)

[lizthinspo]

i keep thinking to myself just make it to the end of the year and then ur free to do whatever you please but until then we are crying and screaming my lungs out. isn’t it so funny how the only way i can feel ok is through being myself and driving around, bc that’s how i clear my head probably bc i wish there could be a reckless driver in my path that can pls kill me so i don’t ever have to go back home. i can’t go home. it’s like im not even wanted there, i know when im not wanted somewhere. it’s summer, MY summer, im supposed to be living, instead im crying thinking about ending my life, i feel like im losing control. the things that i used to make myself feel ok are being taken away from me daily. i feel like im going insane bc everything i do is somehow wrong or not what was needed of me and it hurts so much bc how else am i supposed to be alive and happy and ok if im not loved by myself and i hate myself inside and outside i feel like im not good enough for anybody, i feel like im the one person ppl always forget abt like when we’re in a public setting and with a bunch of ppl, i feel like im always the one to have been forgotten or left out. its a horrible feeling honestly bc I WAS THERE. i feel like i don’t deserve anything and i really don’t. but since ik these are my last few memories i want to make the most of them but im also scared of my mom and what she’ll say of me when im happy. and yes i smoke and drink and cvt but honestly i love smoking bc it takes away all of my pain and im left feeling nothing, ik it seems crazy but it makes me feel like im going to make it out alive and ok even for a split second but thats why im always smoking. bc you most def don’t help me feeling ok, you’re the reason why i never feel safe nor ok nor alive nor happy. i enjoy drinking bc im not gonna make it to 21 so im just getting to still experience it and also it makes me feel happy and danceful and full of joy but you always seem to take it away from me always and it truly sucks so much because sometimes i do really want to be happy w you bc you’re my mom. and i wanna be good for you but no matter what i do you can never truly appreciate anything i do. that’s why ive given up, bc you’re never gonna open ur eyes and actually see how much im trying. this summer i had so much planned! i was so hyped and excited abt it, you should’ve heard me all of senior year, talking abt how happy i was gonna be bc im free from school and im finally gonna be able to be me. idk what else you want from me, i wanna go out and have sleepovers and have friends and be out w them for hours on end and stay out late. you say i can’t go out bc im drinking but maybe if i went out more often without ur fucking mf bitch phone call on my ass every single minute. i wouldn’t be out drinking and smoking everyday as you probably think i do now bc i could actually experience happiness. and ykw my #1 rule is to never cvt myself for anyone else’s problems but i truly think that this one deserves one bc i think if she takes my car im actually gonna lost and idk what to do. i keep saying and telling myself to keep pushing for jared and jensen and misha but i don’t think i can bc im so tired and over everything i don’t wanna live anymore. i wanna slit my wrists or hang myself to my death bc i cannot bear the thought of you saying that you’re disappointed in me bc that shattered my heart and to just continue to tell me these awful things that i wish i could respond with just fucking kill me already FUCKING KILL ME! i’m sure that’s what she wanted to do either way. she says she’ll be here for whenever you need me but i don’t need you i’m fine without you in fact i’m better off without you. ik that my intentions are good for others not for myself bc everything i’ve heard come from your mouth i believe by the amount of times that you’ve told me the same things so much so that i start to believe it myself and that translates over to me hating myself constantly and not being able to experience having real friends and have a relationship and to just experience any from of love

[claudemblems]

Heyo idk if requests are still open but I don't see a post saying they're closed so I hope it's okay that I slide in with an idea 👀

This may be pretty similar to the Sylvain & Kaeya request you just did so feel free to ask for a different idea lol but I wonder what you think about Childe and Sylvain with a reader who doesn't fluster easily and is just always like "okay buddy" whenever he flirts with them? Bonus points if reader actually likes him but is beating their feelings back with a stick bc they think that he can't possibly be genuine

Thank you for sending a request in! I actually just write with fem readers in mind but I didn’t use any exclusively female terms for these. I also tried to follow the same format as the Friends to Lovers one with just sets of headcanons. I hope this is all right!! I’m just happy to get another request like that one because it was super fun to write about :) This did turn out kinda angsty but I felt like it fit with the overall theme. It's time to make your hearts hurt LOL

Friends But...Not Lovers?

Summary: Childe and Sylvain try and fail to win you over, but what they don't know is you've been purposely withholding your own feelings from them, too.

Notes: I tried to make these a little shorter because I tend to write way too much lol. I hope they're not too short though. Also, each set of headcanons is divided into the boys' perspectives and yours.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

Childe

Childe isn’t fazed at all by your nonchalant attitude. In fact, he finds it really attractive. He’s a man that likes a challenge, after all!

“C’mon, you’re bound to crack at some point! You can’t tell me you don’t feel a little bit bashful?” “Are you calling all that flirting? I thought it was just a really bad attempt at comedy.”

The thing with Childe is that he’s not satisfied until he wins, so don’t expect him to give in so easily. He’s persistent if anything.

Of course, he wouldn’t flirt so brazenly with you if it actually made you uncomfortable. He may do questionable things, but he’s not without morals.

Especially when it comes to you. He wants to keep you safe and happy, more so than anyone else in the world. 

Thankfully for him, you’ve told him before that his flirting doesn’t faze you and that you’d actually like to see if he could manage to successfully fluster you, which only spurs him on even more. 

It’s game on, and he’s not going home until he secures his decisive victory.

You

You can talk the talk, but that unbothered facade of yours hides something under the surface: your real feelings for him. 

Sure, you could try to imagine that Childe means what he says, but it’s hard to tell when he’s being genuine and when he’s playing a part.

Can you really allow yourself to be swayed by his words when one order from the Tsaritsa can steal him away from you forever?

You’re not someone to get involved in a relationship that’s doomed from the start. You don’t have the kind of thick skin you need to come out unscathed. 

Sometimes you wonder if all this is just a game to Childe, if winning your affections would just be another trophy on his shelf.

But you try not to think about it too much. It just leaves you confused and upset.

You can’t deny, however, that you truly enjoy his company. He’s unlike any other person you’ve met on your journeys. Being with him is a breath of fresh air in your otherwise uneventful life.

If the day ever comes where you’re faced with accepting Childe’s declaration of love or rejecting it…only time will tell if he’s managed to convince you of this lie, too.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

Sylvain

Ngl Sylvain is actually very pleasantly surprised by this revelation.

After seeing how all the women he’s flirted with eat up any compliments he gives them, your unaffected deadpan demeanor is absolutely hilarious to him. It’s definitely a first for him.

“Are my methods of flirting getting stale or are you just hard to break?” “It’s a little bit of both.” “Ouch.”

This is all very interesting to him but also very confusing. Talk about being totally unprepared.

However, his inability to make you fall for him has actually made him head over heels in love with you instead. But how is he supposed to win your heart if his words don’t affect you at all?

On many occasions he finds himself staring off into the distance trying to use that big brain of his to come up with a way to convince you that he truly does care about you. Though, it’s really hard to come off as genuine when all of his prior relationships have been made of thinly-veiled compliments and surface-level attraction.

You’re the only person who hasn’t been wooed by his words, looks, or his crest. You’re that one in a million. An anomaly. The kind of person Sylvain has been searching for his whole life. 

And Sylvain will do whatever it takes to prove to you that he can be your one in a million, only if you’ll give him the chance to.

You

You wish you could tell Sylvain to his stupidly beautiful face that his words actually do have an effect on you.

But you’re afraid of becoming just another name on his list of women he loves for one week and discards the next.

Out of all the guys in Garreg Mach, why did you have to be in love with the resident womanizer???

Day in and day out you go back and forth in your mind trying to figure out if it’s worth giving him a shot. Having feelings for Sylvain is utterly exhausting. Unfortunately they’re not like an item you can simply exchange for another.

You do have to admit that it pricks your heart a little each time you see him being a little extra friendly with another woman. Was it it that they have that you don’t? Can you really compare to all of the ones he’s dated?

You hope Sylvain never has any actual romantic feelings for you. With his kind of history, there’s no way a relationship with him could ever last. But would it be worth it for that one small period of happiness?

Who are you kidding? He’s a man that has everything. Someone like you trying to win his love would just prove to be a lost cause.

For now, you’ll just have to settle with watching him walk arm-in-arm with another girl he’s confessed to, praying that the sorrow in your heart will one day begin to disappear. 

[040504210320092209191319]

can i confess something

despite being online when the terms pr/sh/p and ant/ were conceived bc i was in mostly oc circles i had no idea that fandom at large became so polarized until relatively recently and think the whole thing is stupid

like

i sincerely hope that ka/sh/n implodes those terms permanently bc not only are they not helpful at all they lead to a lot of assumptions over the character and morals of strangers

i noticed bc someone straight up was like “it’s like a philosophical thought problem; is it still okay to ship them if we didn’t know they were cousins for 20+ years?” and other people “uhhh i swear i’m not pr/sh/p but i’m gnna ignore the canon and au they’re not related!!” and i’m just sitting here like

.. do you see how fucking dumb those terms are and how much stock people put in to their media consumption as a reflection of their morals and how that just Doesn’t Work 😭 ?????

like YES i will avoid certain ship content i don’t like; i’ll block accounts that center on characters i don’t want to see; i DO NOT engage with people who like certain media that i think is cringe — but i can do all of these things w/o attacking them which i think is what a lot of people need to learn idk..???

do i think certain people are freaks?? yes!!! duh!! but i feel like esp w/ eng speaking fandom spaces no one minds their own business or truly curates their own space or they think curating their space means controlling who their mutuals follow or engage with

like.

unless it is someone who’s TRULY horrible then it’s not my business?? like i think there’s a difference between your mutual following someone who draws r18 of a ship you don’t like and your mutual following an outed predator or whatever and in that case i’m not picking a fight w/ them i’m just blocking and moving on

i’m getting off track but i HATE the terms pr/sh/p and ant/ bc they’re completely disregard the fact that people can think for themselves and again impose very polarized morals on people who are NUANCED and probably dgaf if i’m gnna be real 💀

idk it reminds me of the person who pissed me tf off bc they were like “brav/rn seems cool but uhm the miIitary??? 🫤🫤🫤” and implied that anyone who watched it was endorsing pro-miIitary propaganda when the show isn’t even about that at all they just want to virtue signal and say i’m smart for not falling for …. nonexistent propaganda ???

in the end it really isn’t that complicated and it isn’t anyone’s job to curate your space for you. block and mute content and accs who post things you dislike. you don’t have to fight about it. maybe stop defining others and yourself based off what you’re shipping or consuming like idk!! the block feature is quick easy put the pr/sh/p ant/ terms away

i just think it’s crazy like i blinked and the etiquette of just blocking or ignoring content you dislike was replaced with

whatever this is

and i’m sorry but i think it’s hilarious that it took something like this to fully expose how pointless those terms and that attitude in general are

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hiiii

I’ve just had an idea for a fic but it’s so self-serving I’m not sure if anyone would read it and even though I know writing should first and foremost be for yourself I don’t know how to handle not getting views/interaction with my work bc I’m nothing but a perfectionist.

What do you do when you have an idea that you don’t think others will like as much? Do you post it anyway or just keep it to drafts? This would also be my first piece of fic in 2 years so yeah kinda nervy

-♥️

AWWW THATS SO EXCITING THAT YOU ARE WRITINH AFTER 2 YEARS!!’

To answer your question: I cry. Lol. I’m only half kidding.

No, for real. I get what you mean, and I’m not gonna say it doesn’t get to me. You can see for yourself here.

The hard truth about tumblr is that for the most part, people are here for two kinds of things: short writing (the internet has truly ruined our attention spans), and smut. So those tend to be the kinds of things that get the most attention.

Longer things, or things that require some kind of concentration, or “serious” things don’t really get much. I know for a fact that with the two series that I’ve written, some folks skim. Jump ahead to the smut or the scenes they wanna see and only kind of skip the rest. And, yeah, sure, writing should be first and foremost for yourself. But it’s a human thing for your ego to get stuck in it too. When we work hard on something we kind of wanna know that others can recognize our hard work reflected in what we do. Or when we do something that we think is good, we hope that others like it as much as we do. And when that doesn’t happen, it stings.

But idk about you. I’m the sort of person who can’t do something that I’m not interested in. Like if I tried to write something because I know it’s the sort of writing that people want to read, it feels like fuckin torture. My heart isn’t in it. Neither is my focus or concentration. And then if it gets the praise that I knew it was going to get, it feels so cheap and dirty and unwarranted. I HATE it. I’m never proud of anything that I’ve only written cuz someone wanted me to. No matter how many views it gets.

So, I’d say, just write what YOU want to write. If nobody else likes it at least you do! And you know how much hard work and thought went into it. (And then send it to me cuz I’d love to read it!!!!)

[jinkicake]

Yeah the aether brainrot is real😭 guess you have to create the change you want to see in the world😔😔 like he’s such a boy and idk what other way to describe him, truly the Giovanna effect. He’s really the “am i going too fast for you?🥺 want me to slow down” while he’s folding you in half; he’s so pretty and he knows it!! He has that smile that’s so warm and trustworthy the “he would never hurt anyone” smile and it’s the exact same one he will use when he’s overstimulating you until your eyes are permanently at the back of your head. Very much “I won’t reveal my true secrets or intentions until necessary” vibes. And he’s the beloved traveler! Why would they think he’s knuckles deep in you at a dinner with ningguang?? Why would anyone have reason to suspect he’s at the top of wangshu inn covering your mouth so they don’t hear your screams?(Xiao knows and definitely sees and that’s probably why he does it) like he has a pinch of “and what about it🤨” bc he would probably bend you over a statue of the seven and not flinch bc what are they really gunna do😭 eating you out in the hands of barbatos when it’s pitch black outside and the only one who would be around is that bard; knowing zhongli on the clock and having you ride him as he sits on the statue and they can hear it all. Lmao everyone knows your a slut but you like he does this but not a soul will say anything to you but they know you’re the travelers play thing. Wonder why the electro archon and the shrine maiden can’t look you in the eyes for more than a second 🤔 will tell you you’re imagining things.will give a demonstration if asked tho he has an exhibitionist streak. “I don’t do anything unless you ask me” bitch 😒 I hate him!! I hear everyone’s “his hair is down during sex” and I raise you: what if he keeps it in a braid or in a bun. Like if he’s fighting and his king ass hair isn’t getting caught in anything he’s not gunna take it down when you can still pull on it. Would also look suspicious if you came back form a commission limping and he didn’t look put together. Ik Lisa knows and by w jean and Kaeya too so they’re like 😳🫢 the entire time they talk to y’all. Jean is stuttering her way through asking him to check out some nearby ruins and you’re asking her if she’s feeling okay😭 Kaeya is holding back a laugh but if you look at him he will evaporate, like they can’t say they heated you creaming on his dick in the forbidden section of the library😔😔 so they just gotta pretend like everything is normal while sunshine boy is smiling like he’s never done anything wrong a day in his life😊 his song gotta be Handstand specifically the dojacat verse👀👀 abyss aether definitely likes a crowd you can’t tell me he wouldn’t give direct orders while you’re falling apart in his lap💀he don’t care who walks in. What if he were in the same universe as tracer aether like a clone Albedo👀 let me not think about that too much😭 he’s a menace and loves to asset dominance any way possible, him using everyone’s visions to beat her showed me that he isn’t letting his full potential being sealed away stop that!!

no aether is so sick... he pretends to be concerned about you but then continues to do the thing that's causing your brain to melt!

like 'I'll stop, don't worry' when you're crying from overstimulation but then he's continuing to play with your clit until your legs spasm and you start to sob

yeah i get the aether appeal bc he seems so sweet and that is how he gets you! yandere!aether is real!!! he makes you think he is a normal dude but then the next morning you're tied up to his throne and he's like 'good morning!'

now personally if aether had me on top of the inn and xiao was only listening in... i would personally jump off the building bc xiao has to join in like ill cry... like GET OVER HERE THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM... matter of fact, i might push aether off the roof for xiao like he'll survive it's fine! sorry xiao got the better of me- now its just me and xiao hehehe but still two is better than one so i want both!

wait a min i know youre thinking of traveler aether and im thinking of abyss prince aether.... but i need to jot down that idea of him fucking you against the statues bc that goes perfect w the yandere!abyss prince i got going in my head right now.... that will be my dream for tonight and what i fall asleep to!

i think he keeps his hair up during... ya know.... like it's too long and would be suuuch a mess to keep down... it would just get in the way!

naurrrr aether is so sick if he acts like nothing happened while you're limping and bruised up like everyone would believe him if he said nothing was wrong omggggggg

sighhh thinking abt the abyss prince just wow-

[bi-polar-geminii]

i don’t mean what i’m saying with malice, however, can you please stop putting all your inbox asks regarding the issue of listener designs on the main tag. i understand you want people to know about this issue (if this is your intention), but all you’re doing is making the artists who draw as a hobby feel bad, and just adding negativity to the main tag. i understand how it feels to not see yourself represented, but that’s where you come in. for those wanting rep, you can either draw it yourself or if you can’t draw it and are so adamant on wanting rep, commission and support an artist! consistently complaining won’t get anything done but draw artists away from the fandom itself and make art we see for these characters we all love become sparse and less.

additionally, listeners, at the end of the day, are us. if an artist is an afab female, chances are that listener will also be an afab female. some artists may not draw pocs not because they just don’t want to, but because they aren’t well-versed in depicting their features and don’t want to do it an injustice. there’s no need to rush to the worst possible and negative explanation. i have never seen myself represented in a single piece of redacted fanart, however i know better than to just nonsensically complain about it — because complaining won’t get anything done (it’ll only do more harm if anything).

thank you for making your points known, and i hope what i’m saying comes across to you as i intended it to

Out of respect, I did remove the unnecessary posts from the tags bc they did clog up the main tag (my bad, but also if its that bothersome, you can literally scroll past it, your not obligated to read everything)

I’m not slamming anyone or shaming people, that was never the intention here. It was to make light on how some artists choose to make characters (not self inserts) white simply bc of mainstream/kinda racist ideas that characters in media can only be portrayed as white to be popular or liked bc of white beauty standards. I want people to reflect and think about that, but I never said ppl *couldn’t* make them white or afab. Im not trying to gatekeep or force people to suddenly get rid of all their white characters just bc i said there isn’t enough representation

Also *I do* have characters for fandom rep, I have lots of them. The only reason why I don’t post them is because they aren’t finished yet. But what’s wrong with having an opinion on something? You have to admit, people wouldn’t be in my inbox telling that *I* have to create the representation needed and that my opinion is hurting everyone’s feelings if I was a white creator. Just think about that

Also im sorry but the whole “some ppl dont draw poc characters cause they dont know how to!” is an argument thats just very fucking tiring to hear. It truly isn’t that hard, like im being serious. There are *a lot* of free recourses out there to learn if your super keen on learning how to draw the different ethnic facial features. But if you wanna create a black/brown person for example, this is what you do; draw the character, make their skin color a darker brown. Congratulations! You’ve made a poc character! Ladies and gentlemen its really not that difficult, if your not willing to challenge yourself on how to draw different types of people or your too scared to- its gonna stunt your growth as an artist

This was the first time I opened up about an opinion I had seeing in this fandom, so idk what you mean by ‘consistently complaining’ when this whole situation has only happened once (for me)

[rozcdust]

Hi! I wanted to stop by to tell you, that I love your humor sm and thank you for posting your stories and smaus, they really brighten my mood (and I’m mentally not really in a great place rn, so I’m truly thankful for every smile, that I’m able to crack bc of you and other writers) 🫶 also good luck on your exams, you can do it! 😊🍀

Oh and I have a question about you being aroace if that’s alright (you can simply ignore this part if not). I’m pretty sure that I’m aroace (but also bi?) too but I still sometimes like people to a certain degree, but I’m not sure if that’s really „enough“ if that makes sense. Mh it’s complicated to explain. How would you explain your sexuality? Do you still like people sometimes? All in all I don’t think I’m fit for a „normal“ relationship. And most people also seem to be disappointed when I try to explain my feelings? I really like your series where y/n is in a qpr with kazutora our beloved maybe that’s something I could try to achieve, but I’m actually pretty good with being alone too so 🤷‍♀️ yeah idk. It’s hard in a world where everything is about romance or hook ups 🙄 (although I must say that I love my fictional crushes and daydreams 😂 just not in real life ig) thanks in advance for your reply! xxx

you are so cute anon, thank you so much! 💖💖 i can’t even begin to describe how much it means to me to hear my works, as well as works of other writers, brighten your day at least a bit 🧡🧡

it is absolutely alright with me! in fact, i dropped my studying (exam is in an hour 🫠) to answer this ask, i love talking about being aroace lmfao

first of, it it totally normal to question being aroace a lot! being aroace is a hugely personal and complex experience and there isn’t a lot of talk about being aroace other than ‘lack of romantic and sexual attraction’ unfortunately

a lot of aroace people are/think they are bi for the longest time (i knew i was bi since 13, realised i was aroace at 19), and this may be just me, but mostly it’s because, well, i had the same amount of attraction to both men and women (that amount being zero didn’t matter, it was still the same amount)

personally, i consider myself aroace and bi since i wouldn’t mind a qpp with either a man or a woman, but i still have no sexual or romantic attraction to either, all of my attraction is based on either aesthetics or gender envy

there is also, what i feel isn’t discussed at all basically, a thing almost similar to comphet with being aroace that i also experienced a lot and that deterred me from realising my sexuality sooner - because i do get huge crushes still and consider some people hot! and what all those people i have ‘crushes’ on share is that they’re absolutely unattainable for a relationship - there’s either too large of an age gap (as in, a man i consider hot is 60 and could literally be my grandfather), long distance or they’re fictional - and as soon as any of my more attainable ‘crushes’ do show being interested in me, i lose all interest immediately

people who are allo truly do have difficultly understanding being aroace, as much as aroaces don’t get having attraction, but since romance and sex was shoved into our faces since birth, we’re less bitchy about it - ex. i did not realise there is supposed to be like a feeling or ‘sparks’ when kissing someone, it always felt the exact same as kissing a wall for me

kazutora’s and y/n’s relationship in ‘i don’t speak to whores’ is very much a portrayal of an ideal relationship for me - committed and platonically loving, basically a roommate you can cuddle and share taxes with, and i wish there were more portrayals of queer platonic partnerships in media tbh 😭

i hope this answer helped you somewhat! and remember, a label isn’t necessary unless you want it, you can do you without having to explain shit to anyone 💕💕

[echoesofadream]

Hi hi! I just wanted to expand more on the post you reblogged from me ☺️ honestly there really isn’t a problem with boycotting it—I don’t have a problem anyway bc I understand that the conditions are horrible and all. My problem comes from the fact that people are only calling jungkook out and not the other artists that perform. There are other big names performing at fifa but everyone is only focusing and calling jungkook out. Imo performing at fifa or at a soccer/football game isn’t the same as condoning the actions of a country’s government. If that were the case then bts wouldn’t be able to perform at any country, especially in the US or Europe since they have done so many atrocious acts as well. For me, the hypocrisy truly bothers me and that’s the entire problem with it. Because a lot of western fans only care about calling out the non western countries and forget about the atrocities of their own/don’t boycott those either. They only care when it comes to minority countries, which we should still call them out on ofc, but the hypocrisy is truly what’s disheartening. Also, they’re not calling out any of the football players that are already there or the other performers, just jungkook. I understand wanting to boycott it and all, really, but personally I’m mad at the hypocrisy that some fans show and not the actual boycott itself.

Sorry for this long winded paragraph! I just wanted to explain my own viewpoint! I understand if you feel differently ofc! Just wanted to expand on some points more 🥰💜

Hey sorry i missed this. Thanks for responding to me i appreciate you taking the time to type this out

To be honest i havent seen any real criticism towards jungkook and honestly i have missed that kind of very valid criticism from army who in my eyes just uncritically praise anything the boys do. And then there are the antis who ofc use every chance they have to smudge the names of members who arent their favs especially popular ones like jk. I think its natural if army are disappointed in jk in particular rather than the other celebrities performing. Now if people who arent even fans of jk or the boys only criticize jungkook then thats obviously very weird and suspicious of being anti asian racism (idk what other big names are performing).

My point wasnt that performing in a country means condoning the actions of that countries government, even though i honestly dont see the problem with critisizing that either if you have valid arguments for it. Real world issues are more important than kpop.

That said, this is not that kind of situation. People have DIED when working for this particular sports event and someone in the notes of that post were talking about ”selective activism when it comes to jungkook” hello??? Even if that would be true it doesnt take away from the cause of boycotting this. If that is your reaction then you should think outside of fandom dynamics for once. Even if people are using this against jungkook that is SUCH a non issue in the context of this. I understand and appreciate being protective of my favorite kpop boy but this is just a very disrespectful and flippant response.

And I hear you, you are more mad about the hypocrisy, not the boycott. I agree and I think it is completely valid to critizice and boycott anyone who is involved with this, whether its the football players, other artists, etc etc i know nothing about football. If not boycotting means directly supporting what is essentially modern day slavery.

And yes, you can always take it one step further. While this is directly supporting it you could take stands against indirectly supporting atrocity committed by different governments etc. But i dont believe in using a variant of ”there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” (or in this case rather imperialism) argument when it comes to a migrant workers dying so that some people can kick balls into nets and artists sing and the crowds just cheer. I think that is pretty straight forward and not some ethical dilemma.

[jxnmzko]

it’s kinda crazy how you actually start to see the numbers go down on the scale when you start to eat healthy like i’m not even kidding i’ve been keeping track of all the calories and staying within a deficit and it’s genuinely insane to me to see the number go down. It’s also crazy how much hiking could help with that and how good it feels although sometimes i do overthink even when i am hiking. Sometimes i think about how actually big the world is and how it isn’t confined to the few places i know and how there’s so many things for me to see and visit and explore. It makes me feel super small and think about how my job really means nothing and how if i truly desired it i could start over anywhere because the world is so vast. There’s so many people and my worth isn’t attached to this person, it never was. Sometimes i could think about how they’re doing but it doesn’t benefit me in any way really but i think it’s okay to think about things like that.

Also sometimes i feel rly behind socially, like i finally got to talking with emilie like we literally live together but we haven’t rly hung out since high school. Sometimes ppl just drift apart but i never rly took it to heart. Anyways we caught up and she talked about all these guys she hooked up with and how much she’s been to the beach/parties and how drunk she got w her friends and it’s like bruh. When i hang out w my friends it’s to explore some shit but then i think maybe the best way to celebrate my youth is by drinking and mostly partying right? i mean most ppl do that ofc but i’ve like grown anxiety towards smoking because i can’t handle it like i used to and also with drinking bc i hate losing control of myself and i can feel myself just not enjoy it ever. So maybe i have to force myself in order to enjoy these things more but it just isn’t my thing /: emilie invited me to go out to a party and it’s okay i don’t mind but then i feel like a dumbass bc i don’t rly wanna be around everyone who will also be drunk? I haven’t been to therapy in a lil so idk maybe im overthinking like i always do but i simply want to enjoy myself in the ways i feel most comfortable doing so. Like i don’t mind trying new things but i’ve been down this road and i almost feel dread towards it 😔

but overall i feel kinda weird and neutral like that’s the best way to describe my brain right now. I’ve avoided social media mostly aside from tiktok and i just listen to music, i’ve grown a small appreciation for country too. but my brain feels quiet, not like too quiet bc i do overthink a lil bit but there’s nothing or anyone really dominating my thoughts???? it’s actually insane to think about because either i’d spend hours pondering my career and if it wasn’t that it’s about my body but im working on that now. I’m eating healthy and working out and im actively seeing the #’s drop so it isn’t something im overthinking anymore… but when i did over think my body then that would connect to me thinking about her a majority of the time but it wasn’t about the past, it was about missing her when we weren’t talking if that makes sense ? and now my brain is so neutral, i don’t think about ways to run away or ways i could reach out or anything.

I think it’s mostly because whenever i do go hiking i think about me and im in my brain entirely too much where now im okay with that. I’m okay with being alone truly, i would say that before and hours later id feel lonely but now its like ill feel it and then ill be fine because truly, i will be okay. I think i was so stuck in the fact that i didn’t like myself that i found comfort in that and thought my job was to show her there could be good potential out there, as well as thinking no one else would or could like me if she once did at some point. In reality my only job is to fulfill myself and only in ways it benefits me.

so yeah i’m feeling a little crazy because i’ll go on about my day without really thinking about anything until im finally in bed at night but even then ill watch some romance wlw shit and i’ll feel super content doing that and i’ve also realized that if im content with that then that’s all that matters. There’s no pressure for me to go on anything to find love because genuinely this dating shit is so fucked up right now and i don’t wanna deal with people who don’t even know wtf they want and if they do KINDA know what they want then there’s no loyalty or labels or anything like no bruh i want to be yearned for, im not on my yearning shit anymore cuz fuck that i did it and it got me hurt. So i feel entirely okay not pushing myself to meet anyone or feel like im weird for not wanting any fwb

i’m working on myself and there’s no need to overthink…. my brain feels weird…

i know once i feel content with myself and my body i’ll finally be okay and then illl b okay with what i do career wise and then i know ill have someone who will realize my worth and will be ready for the love im capable of giving because i have a lot of it to give. She will value the gifts i get because that is my top love language and maybe she will even keep a notes app of all the things i love like i do for all the people i’ve felt anything for. (: and ill no longer feel like a last choice, or like im not pretty enough and they’ll go out of their way for me like i have always done

[aspacetobe]

Hello!

I’m sitting on some bench in the MSP airport drinking a Mighty Mango Naked juice. Just chugged some OJ. And I have a White Mocha from Starbucks within reach. I feel by the time I get to consuming the Starbucks it’ll be lukewarm. and then when i board the plane in 30 minutes i’ll have to pee like a pregnant lady with no time to wait. But we’ll reach that point when we reach that point. (update: my bladder was tested. the minute that ding came on overhead letting you know the plane has reached 10,000 feet i was that person who shot up from their seat. and i can’t wait until we land bc the first stop is the bathroom.)

I should also explain I’m traveling for 3 months (that’s the max because of the whole 90 days without a visa thing) or, whenever my savings hits $0.

i’m shooting for the stars and hoping the 90 days comes before i run out of money.

why tumblr?

a part of me wants to shrug and say idk instead of explaining my thought process. i’m self conscious that it’s too over the top for explaining one’s presence or lack there of on a certain social media app.

why does it matter that much?

it doesn’t.

yet, i’m still here, proceeding to pour out my entire mind without much of a filter.

my relationship with instagram tends to go as follows: posting stories every day. feel annoying. deactivate my account. feel great. download instagram again. share everything. feel insecure. deactivate instagram.

horrible cycle.

lately it got worse.

it got worse after i started liking a guy.

lol.

classic.

so yeah.

i like said guy a lot.

but i’m headed to Europe.

And for three months.

And...

timing just isn’t right.

and…

i don’t seem to have the patience for anything not serious.

i wish i had the patience.

the lack of my patience has come from my insecurities. has come from me not wanting to confront why i’m feeling the way i’m feeling. why i’d rather run away than just wait and see what will happen (which is probably that whole anxious avoidant thing i’ve been labeled with). why, at the first sign of a possible (guys possible) i don’t know what to call it, communication issues (?), i say bye. instead of just, ya know, seeing how life plays out. although, i will give myself credit and say i tried.

and i did feel serious about him. like, he feels like home. this feels right. this feels comfortable. this feels like i can be myself. this feels like someone i want to share life with.

i just gathered after 5 months, serious isn’t what anyone is looking for right now. i even said something along the lines of “i want to feel free” while in europe. so there’s that.

i could be wrong but that’s what i felt.

and, if i did have one thing to be confident in, it is my ability to read emotions & body language. i’m hyper vigilant to other peoples subtle ques. and thus, when in person i picked up on a few things.

at this point, the only information i have is what i’ve been told and what i feel. and as best as I try not to assume, i just have to take what i know and proceed.

i’m just hoping there is an us in the future. that sometime in the future there’s still a possibility.

so…

i like a guy. i post on instagram. i check who’s viewed it. look for one name. cringe at myself. delete the app from my phone. wait 24 hrs until stories expire. search ‘instagram’ in the app store. download the app again.

rinse. repeat.

and that cycle increased in rotation exponentially over the last month. exhausting. really emotionally exhausting. and i hated myself for it every time.

when i got down to the nitty gritty of my emotional psychology as to why i’m in that cycle, I came to the conclusion that i was trying to be seen. and a want to be seen, for me, is an example of outsourcing validation. and the only person who can truly validate me is me.

I also get really insecure about being annoying on instagram. another shadow that needs to be worked through. if someone finds me annoying that’s okay. I don’t need to shrink or hide or not share for fear of what others might think. that’s really on them to control their input of information on social media. not for me to limit who i am as a person for the comfort of others. i’m not in charge of someone else’s comfort. i’m only in charge of my own. as of this point in my life, i am my only priority. and that’s who i want to focus on.

i’ve worked really hard over the past 3 years to get to a balanced & healthy mental space.

the past few months were honestly great because it was a clear mirror to the spaces and places within myself i needed to work through. especially the issues i suppressed for the past 10 years that had resurfaced. and i’ve worked through them (with and without a therapist) and will continue to work through them. i was /am ready to let it all go. and i did, for the most part.

so, with all the above in mind, i’ve been wanting to deactivate my account again but instagram is a wonderful place to connect with my family and friends around the world. i was a bit unsure of what to do.

when i was parting from my friend Katie on the 4th, she said, ‘go crazy with the stories on instagram!’ and my heart sank because i didn’t want to. and she’s not the only person who’s said something along the lines of, ‘i can’t wait to see your stories.’ so when i told her i don’t think i’ll be on instagram she immediately came up with a couple alternatives, ‘what about a tumblr or vsco?!’

i perked up. tumblr.

tumblr i know is an easy space to post all forms of media. i can make it password protected (i mean, i was hoping). and i can’t see who views it (and if there is a feature on here where you can, i don’t wanna know about it).

and so became this tumblr.

i’m excited about it. i can post my lengthy writings in addition to pictures & videos.

and the point of this trip, well, one of the points is to write.

the perfect space.

a space to be 100% me.

and now i’m sitting at JFK really hungry but don’t wanna spend money, 1 hour into my 8.5 hr layover.

but i should get food. bc 8 hrs is a lonnnnng time.

xx

[kokokichichi]

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