#idk how it came to this but I have a backlog of asks

[skania]

There's some dialogue in chapter 78, when akane starts crying and somebody in the background is saying "Huh? What Should I do?" and continuing

I've always been confused if it was Aqua or Akane saying that, what do you think?

It's Akane trying to stop her herself from crying. When she cries on stage, she can always stop the tears no problem afterward. But here, she can't even though she's trying so hard to stop.

[asterrrific]

lee chan x reader

Idk what to title this

Dino x reader (ft. 95z)

Warnings: none, just loads of fluff

unedited so i apologize for any grammatical errors or whatever. i made this bc a sudden idea came to me🥹

---

It was around 1am when y/n felt herself sway in her seat.

Books, answersheets, pens, sticky notes, her laptop, and a variety of snacks to keep her awake but failed were scattered at desk. It was the last week of the first semester and she's trying to rush all of her academic backlogs.

Such is the life of a senior student leader with other commitments. Always the last to catch up with academic requirements and classes because of her duties.

She shook herself awake, forcing her hand to continue writing. Her eyes were drooping, but she persevered.

"Get it together, y/n. One last chapter THEN you can go to bed." she willed herself.

But she's been staying up for weeks now. Dark circles are more than evident under her eyes. She's lost weight as well, and she's been easily stressed nowadays.

So it was hard to battle sleep.

"Bub?" came a familiar voice. Normally, she'd get excited and awake whenever she hears the endearment, but tonight, she's a dead man.

Chan cups her cheeks gently, stilling her from swaying in her seat as she battled sleep. His eyes strayed to her paper, words not evident, but random squiggles she perhaps thought were answers.

"Baby, you're not even writing answers anymore." He chuckles lightly as he takes away the pen from her hand. Y/n tries to grab it back... weakly.

"No, I can make it... I'm almost thereeee." she whines, eyes half closed, trying to reach for her pen. Chan keeps one hand on her cheek while the other puts the pen away.

"Y/N Baby, it's been three weeks. You've been busy since the start of the month. Your body is probably hating you right now. Let me take care of you please?" Chan gently prods, almost whispering.

Y/n and Chan's friends have all been concerned about her state. She's NEVER had decent sleep since the start of the month, BARELY eats her meals and snacks on time, and RARELY goes out with them.

It worried them so much that even Chan excuses himself from practices earlier than the rest now so he could monitor y/n.

"But I need all these. I wanted all these." she counters.

"I know, bub, and I appreciate that and I'm so so proud of you... but what's the whole point of achieving all these if you're gonna lose yourself in the process, hmm?"

At this, y/n's eyes flutter open, now aware of where this is going.

She knows damn well that he's right. But she just can't help but panic sometimes, knowing that the rest of her classmates have already submitted theirs and she's probably the last one left, although she's been given a grace period.

"Let's go to bed, please? It's already Sunday. We can sleep in. You can get some rest, and I'll be with you since we won't have practice. We can do anything you want except these academics. Please, baby? Have time for yourself too?" Chan barters. He tries his best at making puppy eyes at y/n, hoping his aegyo would work on her like it does with his hyungs.

Y/n sighs as she leans her forehead on Chan's. He closes his eyes and nuzzles his nose gently on to hers, then giving it a small kiss later.

"Whatchu think, bub? Like my proposal?"

"Fine, you win. But only because I'm so so drained now. How do you do it, Channie? How do you get things done and not get guilty and tired at all?" she asks, eyes closed.

"Who told you I don't get tired and guilty? I do. I just don't show it that much." He admits.

"Why though?"

"Because I don't want to worry any of you guys."

Y/N looks at Chan, his eyes on hers, his hands finding their way back to her cheek.

"I've learned to handle myself earlier on because of the nature of my career. And the hyungs helped me a lot too. If you'll allow me, I can help you work that out as well. Because I love you and I am concerned and I want to take care of you the way you derserve to." he lovingly explains.

Y/n smiles sleepily, allowing her whole body to lose its tension. She drops forward to surrender to Chan, who giggles on the floor as he catches her.

"There's my baby girl." he coos, as he sits up, caressing her hair carefully. She snuggles closer to him.

"Oh my God, I've been craving this for a whole week. I really DO deserve this." she exclaims, making Chan laugh lovingly.

He adjusts to carry her towards their shared bedroom in y/n's apartment. Gently, he lays her down before climbing in after her. Y/n immediately attaches herself to him the minute he settles in.

Chan lets y/n lay her head on his chest. He showers her head with little kisses while he rubbed random shapes on her back, lulling her to sleep.

"We'll talk more in the morning bubs. Get some rest, hmm?" Chan says, grabbing a blanket to tuck them both in.

"Mmkay..." y/n sleepily agrees.

Chan was about to close his eyes when his phone rings. A call.

"Hello-?"

"WHERE'S THE UPDATE, CHILD? IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES. ARE YOU HOME YET?" comes Seungcheol's prodding voice. Apparently, because of his worry for Y/N, Chan forgot to update his hyungs who were still probably hanging out together after practice.

"Sorry, hyung." Chan fumbles, as he sets the call on video, showing y/n on his chest, hoping it'd serve as an explanation.

"You got us worried here you know? How can we have ber when- Oh my God, am I seeing this correctly?" asks the older male.

Chan chuckles as he brings the phone back to his face.

"Yep. She almost fell from her seat when I came in. That's why I wasn't able to call. Sorry."

"No, it's okay. What's important is she's getting rest now goddamn... she's hard to take care of sometimes. Proud of you for being patient with her, Lee Chan." Seungcheol salutes from the other side.

"Did I hear right?" Comes Jeonghan's voice as he and Joshua comes into the picture. The three eldest are like real brothers to Chan and even y/n. They worry for them like real siblings would, that's why Chan can always go home earlier than the rest, so he can care for y/n too.

And when y/n is with them, they surround her protectively, along with the other members especially when they're out, since fans can get really pushy sometimes.

"Finally, she's getting sleep. I hope tomorrow we can go out too." Joshua sighs.

"Nope. I promised her we can sleep in and we'll do whatever we want- except those freaking acads."

"Then maybe we could go there instead? We'd bring snacks for her and whatever else she needs. Tell her in the morn-"

Joshua and the other boys stop when they all saw y/n stir in her sleep. Chan immediately caressed her hair to lull her back.

"Channie?" she blinks, trying to lift herself away from him. The boys on the screen signal him to end the call and just message instead but y/n sees them.

"Oh..." she starts as her eyes adjust to the screen.

"Heyyy, y/n! We were just checking in. Go back to sleep." Seungcheol smiles.

Still really tired and sleep drunk, y/n hums. Chan smiles as he helps her lie back down.

"We'll message tomorrow Chan. Get some sleep too. It's been a long day." Seungcheol orders, his leadership shining through the older brother figure that Chan sees in him.

Chan does a salute as the call ends. He puts the phone on dnd on the bed side table and snuggles lower to cuddle with y/n, already going deeper in her sleep.

---

The next morning, Chan wakes up first. Y/N is no longer on him, but is still asleep soundly next to his chest. Her arms wrapped around his middle while her legs tangled with his. He blinks as rays of light sneaks through the blinds, and smiles as his eyes start to focus on the sleeping beauty next to him.

Gently, he carefully carressed her face, using his finger to trace out her freckles that he loved.

Y/n hums and stirs, and Chan freezes for a second. Slowly like a cat basking in daylight, she stretches, hitting Chan's chin on the process.

This was enough to wake her up.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Channie." she goes, caressing the spot she just hit.

Chan laughs it off as he catches her hands, kissing them both gently.

"It's good morning first before that, my love." He says, pulling her close and settling his lips to the top of her head. With a contented sigh, he inhales her scent like his morning coffee.

"Good morning, bub." she giggles. It was music to his ears.

"Good morning, bub. How was your sleep?" He asks, brushing her hair away from her face and tucking strays behind her ear.

"It was good. Really good. I think I dreamed of the oppas..."

Chan laughs loudly at this, his laugh tickling y/n's ears. God, how she loved his laugh.

"It wasn't a dream, my love. They called last night and you saw them." he explains, pinching her cheeks softly then booping her nose.

He was overflowing with love for her so early in the morning, and he couldn't stop himself. Especially now that y/n has finally gotten some rest that she so much deserved.

"Oh they did? So they're coming over?"

"Uh huh. Later in the afternoon."

Y/n reaches over to Chan's side, where her phone was also placed. He gently holds on to her waist as she lifted herself on top of him.

"It's 9am..." she announces.

"Wanna have breakfast? Or brunch?"

"Uhm... I still kinda wanna sleep more." she admits sheepishly as she sinks back to her place besides Chan.

"Then let's sleep more."

"How about the guys?" she worries. "We might oversleep. How are we gonna prepare?"

"Well, I could tell them to come for dinner instead so we could still have more time to sleep and prepare after. What do you think, bub?" he asks, pulling her close.

Y/n takes her time to answer, and stays silent. It fooled Chan into thinking she fell back to sleep.

He was about to snuggle closer and go back to sleep when suddenly, y/n jerks up, her head hitting the same spot on Chan's chin she already hit earlier.

"Owwwww" they both say in unison.

"I'm so so so sorry bubby." She frantically says, laughing. "I was going to try to kiss you!" she worries.

"Double that then." he teases her, tending to his aching chin.

Y/n caresses the spot, then kisses it. She then locks eyes with Chan.

"You can hit my chin one million times and I'd still be head over heels for you after." he whispers.

"I'll kiss all your pain away a million times more then." she whispers back.

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because you just did. Why ARE we whispering?" she giggles. Chan sighs.

Gently, he grabs her face in his hands, and softly lands a kiss to her forehead.

He stayed there for a bit, savoring the moment. Y/n closes her eyes and runs her hands on Chan's arms, enjoying the vulnerability and sweetness of the moment.

"I love you-" they say in unison again, after Chan breaks off. They laugh again.

This time, it was y/n's turn.

As they giggled at their antics, she pulled Chan by the collar of his shirt, and gently crashed her lips on his. It took him by surprise, but he quickly adjusts, burrying his hands into her hair and softly playing with them as he returned the kiss.

"God, I love you." He speaks first as they broke it off to catch their breaths. He peppers her face with little kisses, making her smile.

"I love you..." she replies, kissing the top of his nose in return. Chan pulls her back to his chest. His heartbeat drumming loudly, lulling her back to sleep after all the fluff.

"Go back to sleep, my love. We've got a lot of time." he tells her. Y/n nods, loving every moment of her rest. Her deadlines flying out of her thoughts.

---------------------

a/n: guyyyyys it's been so long since i last wrote something here😭 uni has been so stressful lately. Maybe that's why I wrote this in this light and theme. I badly need a Dino in my life too.

Anyways, I want to write more😭 someone give me prompts or something.

And as always, if you loved this as much as I loved writing it, please leave a comment or reblog so other people would see my works too🥹👉🏻👈🏻🤍

lot's of love,

aster🫡

[olderthannetfic]

This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading.

Earlier this year, I decided that I wanted to spend less time on social media and more time writing and catching up on my book/show backlog. But for some reason any time I say something about wanting to focus on my hobbies I get push back from a friend as if that translates to me avoiding them (it's not. I talk to them on a daily basis but a lot of that is them sending me videos/tweets they want me to look at) I don't know how to explain that I don't want to waste my minute free time when I have hobbies I want to work on/indulge in.

They're in Fandom too so it's not as if they're confused at the concept. IDK how to put it, but it makes me feel discouraged that I feel like I'm expected to sit around waiting in case they want to chat and that if I say I'm working on something it's not important and I need to pay attention to them now but if I message them then I'm interrupting because they don't want to have to stop what they're doing to answer me. This leads to me doomscrolling Twitter because at any second they might want to talk so I feel like I can't do anything else because I struggle at multitasking. I can't text someone and watch something at the same time or whatever.

I don't know what to do about this because when I try to mention that I'm busy or working on something it gets ignored or turns into an argument. I am at the point where I dread my messenger going off.

I'm asking you and your followers for any tips because I am at my wit's end and you all have always been an understanding bunch.

I don't want to be a hermit but sometimes I need a couple of hours to write or read on my own. This is someone I have known for years who i know very well so it's not as simple as "take a break from Fandom and do your own thing" though I suppose that is what my goal was this year. Which makes it feel worse because for years we were really supportive of each other's interests/creative works and now it feels more like I'm meant to be supportive of them and not the other way around.

I know this was long, so thank you for even reading it. I appreciate even being able to vent safely.

As I read over this to make it as vague as possible it occurs to me there are multiple issues that just came pouring out. 😑 but. . .how do I get someone to understand I should have SOME time to do my own thing? I am starting to feel like they forgot I'm a separate person from them. They even get upset that I write fic for fandoms they aren't in and I am so very tired of feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.

--

"This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading."

This sounds very unlike me.

Re the situation, it sounds to me like these friends are either not very good friends in the first place or have backslid into "everyone exists to comfort me" due to pandemic stress or the like.

My dad calls things like writing "chunk work" where you need to work up to getting in the flow and you need uninterrupted focus. The opposite are all those petty little tasks that eat your whole day, like answering trivial business e-mails or doing the dishes.

Whether you have an attention disorder or executive function problems or no, most brains fundamentally have different modes and aren't good at doing things like creative writing without some uninterrupted time. This has very little to do with how much time you do or don't spend with friends and a lot to do with more consciously managing your day and your brain.

If these friends refuse to understand this or conflate it with taking a month off from friendship, that's a them problem, and you need new friends.

It's perfectly normal and fine to send a meme or a random discord PM to a friend and for them to respond hours later because they were busy.

It seems like there are actually 3 things going on here:

Your "friends" are pretending they don't understand how high-focus tasks work.

Your "friends" demand you be available at the drop of a hat in a way that is unrealistic and that ruins most people's schedules.

Your "friends" would consider it a massive imposition to be on-call for you in the same way but learn zero lessons about it being unreasonable in the other direction.

Possibly a fourth is that they have no intention of changing how they interact with social media, and they know that if you do, it signals the end of your routine interactions. And this might be true. I've lost friends, at least for a few years, when our internet use diverged.

But there's no way around it: if you don't want doomscrolling eating your time, you need to extract yourself from friend circles that interact heavily in real time on twitter. You need friends who write e-mails and wait for the response or who send a PM and are happy to come back to the conversation once you've answered.

[wr1t3w1tm3]

So... I fucked up.

TLDR: I made a post that sounded creepy, people were concerned, I deleted post and clarified that I was not, in fact, writing RPFics of minors. Thank you commentors.

Timeline: On Sunday I got the idea to write a Hermitcraft AU where the Hermits with kids did a "take your kid to work day" thing and let them play on Hermitcraft. There was gonna be an egg hunt, and chaos was gonna ensue. It would take place in a Minecraft is IRL AU as well where the server served as a sort of military/research base or something. Like the Antarctic research base IRL.

However, as evident by the first screen shot, I very poorly worded it and several people commented on the original posts telling me not to write about the Hermits children.

IDK what else to say except that I never intended to do that. I worded that very poorly. Like, very, very poorly. I deleted the posts after taking these screenshots on mobile because they do come off as weird at best and creepy at worst. I reached out to the people who commented telling me not to write about the Hermits kids and clarified the situation with them prior to deletion.

The only reason I didn't get around to deleting the posts earlier was because by the time I realized how creepy it was on Monday I was traveling back to my Uni after break, and I had no time. Tuesday, I had two labs and had to begin studying for two exams on Friday, and I had work as well. Today is the first day I've had time to sit down and actually do stuff that isn't school/work related.

So, what was I attempting to do? I was trying to figure out which Hermits had kids and about how old said kids were (like if they were grade/middle/high school/adult was what I was going for), so I could come up with characters (either from my own OC backlog or create a new character) who would be their kids in the AU and then write the AU from there.

Prior to asking this question I did already know that a couple of the Hermits (Tango, Bdubs, and Skizz) had kids. I also knew that Skizz specifically had a college age daughter because of his Hermitcraft video that came out around the time I made the post. I, however, am one person and there was no way I was gonna be able to go through and eliminate every Hermit on my own, so I decided to ask Tumblr.

Another reason I deleted the original post was because someone gave me some very specific ages for some of the Hermit kids and I honestly do not know how they got that information but after realizing how weird my post came off and seeing that, I didn't feel 100 percent comfortable keeping it up. Obviously, that information is somewhere on the internet, so it's more likely whichever Hermit revealed that info was okay with it going public, but since I don't have time to verify, I don't wanna risk it being leaked.

I want it to be known now that I do not and will NEVER EVER write RPF. As a genre I think it's interesting, but only when done in a historical context. Or a parody context, because fuck politics. I have never and will never write RPF outside of maybe including real presidents, politicians, world leaders, and celebrities in realistic fiction, if you'd consider that RPF. If I continue work on the Hermitcraft IRL AU thing, which currently is not likely due to time constraints coming up, I will let everyone know. Thank you to everyone who did help me with research and who brough my original posts oddness to the forefront. Love ya'll.

[youremyheaven]

HEYYYY [insert whatever pet name u like] it's ur venus stellium anon from last month.. do u remember me? sorry life happened 🤩 n i've been pretty low energy so i didn't get around to bothering u. I've been looking at yt vids of some of my chart placements lately and i've discovered something funny (along with other developments like me. I've been looking at ur blog the past one or two days a little and I obvs haven't made my way through the whole "backlog" but some silly thoughts:

I didn't know u were bi! For some reason I felt a little awkward talking about this because I didn't want to be That Person lol (aka everyone was talking about guys and I didn't wanna weird anyone out 😔) but my exes were women 😂 supposedly I gave them daddy energy lmfao I hate it because I wanted that from someone. I talked about them a bit vaguely but it might've sounded worse under the assumption of it being a man. (Unless I didn't say much and just forgot)

I've been reading celebrity gossip and only now realised how people - even the most successful - can have it so truly bad when it comes to romance and idk it made me a little apathetic and allergic to it. Not in a "im swearing off of it" way but in a "im no longer going to expect it in my life. If I get surprised, yay for me. Otherwise eh." (my mind's at a weird place though so it'll probably change when other things calm down, don't worry about me 🫶 this is all about the hypothetical future anyway because I'm not looking for a relationship rn)

Sorry u got hate about ur blog. I can understand anon got upset but the unkind language was uncalled for.

I came across the ask about nodes conjuncting big 3 and one of mine does; i can assure u (and the hate anon) that yes, this particular example (me) DOES happen to be cray cray 😭

This is related to the yt vids and point 2: My charts basically say I'll have an okay enough career, but the romance department would be dodgy because I will never be satisfied by anything anyone does for me (to put it shortly) 😂😂 that had me a little shocked at first but then I was like u know what we kinda knew this.. let's just focus on that career instead LMFAO

HARD AGREE WITH U ON THE FLIRTING IN NON-ENGLISH. I gotta be honest I cringe if I hear flirting in anything other than English (I've only ever been exposed to it in that language) but I read a fic (english) once where this man called his lover "meri jaan" and it had me in a DAZE FOR DAYS (excuse the lame pun pls) SO YES I AGREE W U. I've been collecting other little terms (just 1 so far) that I've seen people around me using affectionately and they're sooo sweet.

I HOPE U'VE BEEN WELLLLLL. I'm away from tumblr lately so I probably won't be able to send u asks in the near future but I hope u stay safe and take care of urself 💖💖 BYEEEEE

HEYYY bbg 🥺

I thought this was going to be astrology related but you're just checking in on me 😭😭😭😭and I feel so touched 🥺🥺🥺

1. About being bisexual

I feel like there are definitely different dynamics at play bc I do attract more butch leaning women who want to be my daddy 🫣🙈 but whenever it's a femme x femme dynamic, I always feel like I become the more dominant one and I do kinda hate it 😭😭

It just wears me out to be the giver tbh 🙃 especially because I already assume that role in so many other areas in my life, I just want to sit back and be babygirled 😭😭 this is why despite being attracted to women , relationships with women don't really work out for me 😭😭

it's all a matter of luck when it comes to love and relationships and sometimes things find us unexpectedly.

what I've learnt from some of my recent experiences is that someone can do all the right things, give you princess treatment and all that yet not make you feel anything 😭 so to be physically attracted to someone, emotionally in- sync with them, AND have a healthy relationship,, it's all down to luck 😭

2. not u calling yourself cray cray 😭😭

majority of people in this world are not living happy lives, be it with regard to love, career or family. To even have one of these things going well is a huge blessing ✨and while it's possible to have all of them, it's okay to not beat yourself up for achieving all 3 in one go.

One of my dad's childhood friends, remained unmarried into her late 40s. This is veryyyy unusual in India and she's not from a bougie artsy family where such things are chill or anything either. She, however, had a brilliant career and is a civil servant and rn she's in a veryyy high ranking position because she's worked her way up. Everybody around her pitied her (for being single and childless) but she was just out there making $$$ by the time she hit her late 40s people stopped pestering her because by that point, it's kinda "too late" to settle down. BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??? she met a reallyyyyy cute Swiss-German man who was visiting our state/city and she happened to be the one showing him around?? (someone linked them up basically) and that wonderful meet-cute led them to marriage in like 2 months lol ,,, this lady who had been single for 47+ years found the right guy and married him in less than 2 months???? Isn't that sooooo romantic??? It's all about timing 💛💛 and now they've been together for a decade and spend most of their year travelling the world ✨and are very much in love

So different eras of our life will have us focusing on different things. Rn it's probably best to make that $$$ and focus on yourself. Love will find you when it needs to 💛✨💛

3. About flirting in non-English

JAJAJSJ yess I used to cringe 😬 hearing Desi flirting across languages 😭but now I feel like I've finally decolonised my mind to find it cute 😭

My ex was Tamil and he used to call me "bomma" which means "doll" in Tamil ,, I had a flop talking stage with another Tamil guy who used to call me "Kitty kutty" ("little kitty") and idk if it's a Tamil guy thing but they go hardddd with their affection through terms of endearment

Flirting in Hindi is always fun bc it's all "aapka this, aapka that" (using honorifics) and respect turns me on i guess lmao 🤭🥵 Idk if this is just a Desi thing but yk how men start calling you madam and ma'am 😌yeah I live for that shit 🤭🤭 they'll be like "madam is still getting ready" and I'll be like 😍yes the hell I am 😍😜

4. Thank you so much for checking in with me angel 🥺🥺 I appreciate it and you soooo much 💛💛💛 you're the sweetest

I'll take care of myself 😜 😌and I hope you do as well!!! 💛💛 May the rest of July be wonderful for you ✨

[ante--meridiem]

I thought to share that after asking you what are Zettelkasten I finally do have the real usecase now in my uni life... the concepts from different courses are starting to connect and I am struggling in my currect structure-based note taking. So idk, I just... wanted to thank you for introducing the method to me, I really like how the structure and principle itself is simple and I am excited to finally try it out in practice! (you can use this ask to say anything you want about Zettelkasten, I will be obsessed with them for the foreseeable future so any rant you write I will love)

Hey!! Very happy to hear the method might help someone else! Good luck with it and I'd love to hear how it goes, hope it ends up helping you as much as it helped me. For my part right now what I have to say is that building it has slowed down a lot since the beginning since I'm no longer working from a large backlog of things I need to store there (I mean a large backlog of knowledge I haven't put into the Zettelkasten still very much exists but getting through it isn't a current priority and I have most concepts I'm currently actively using already in there) but what is coming up is how useful being able to look things up in it is to keep me from having to retread all my steps whenever I look at something I haven't used in a while (or rather very much speed up the retreading my steps process, since the idea is that rather than having to go "where did this come from?? Let me try to find some other notes that explain it" there will be a link to exactly where it came from!).

I will warn you that Zettlr has recently gotten increasingly buggy with its implementation of LaTeX though (and most frustratingly no longer parses the environment I used to use to make commutative diagrams) so if you haven't picked an app yet I might recommend a different one if you'll be using LaTeX a lot. (Maybe Obsidian? Never tried it myself but I heard good things about it, though it isn't open source like Zettlr is). On a more positive note though the app now does its own graphs to let you see how your notes are connected now! (I don't remember if you were there when I made my "look at my boy" post about this).

Since you wanted to hear me rant, I think I'm just going to copy the text from some meta notes I have in my Zettelkasten on using the Zettelkasten! This will get probably extremely long (and not be reflective of the actual structure of said notes since I'm removing the links and putting multiple notes together into an essay) so only read past here if you really really want to. To imagine the structure this would have in the actual zk, the big headings correspond to organisatorial pages and then each bullet point with a number next to it links to an individual note containing the text I will put under the bullet point; other numbers formatted like this [[insertnumbershere]] are links to other notes outside the scope of this essay but I'm not editing them out so you can see how/when I link things. On that note some of this may be difficult to follow because I use my own vocabulary that I've built up in linked notes; if you (or anyone else who for some godforsaken reason decides to read this) actually read enough to want explanations please shoot another ask!

Also obviously these rules are rules for me adjusted by me, the whole point of the system is flexibility to adjust to your thinking style so don't feel tied to them or anything. Also disclaimer again that this was written for me to be read/understood solely by me and may be very hard to follow for anyone else, so take what you can from it if you feel like it.

Rules for Zettelkasten

Atomicity [[20220807142537]]

"Concept" is loosely defined [[20220125144819]]; when dealing with a packed concept, atomicity requires that zettel deals only with how to bring the strands together, and not the details of each individual strands. Where the details are relevant they can be brought in through links to a zettel dealing solely with that strand. Allowed exception: "organizatorial" zettels that exist to list multiple examples/manifestations of concept. Maths zettels may require proof with many components. If component can be separated neatly as lemma, make new zettel for it. If component does not make sense independently, split proof into steps and make each step a sub-section of zettel.

Connectivity [[20220807142751]]

Links

Links must be meaningful. A basic topic can be linked if it has significant relevance to the concept of the current zettel. Significant relevance means the structure of the current concept mirrors [[20220524234710]] or is induced [[20220531114751]] from the structure of the linked concept. Mechanistically important details can be elaborated on in footnote. This implies linked zettels should be similar in complexity; significantly less complex concepts are likely to play only a mechanistic role in more complex concepts. "Similar" does not mean equal; natural tendency for links to go from high complexity to low complexity is inevitable and shouldn't be eliminated. Probably best to keep those steps reasonably small. Good if a zettel can link to similar complexity concepts. Practical strategy to ensure it: if simpler concept can be reached following chain of links, do not link directly. Sometimes there is no direct link between concepts, but there is a parallel; in these cases create extra zettel in which to note parallel. (Think of like coproduct [[20220523141540]] in category theory.)

Tags

Tags offer indirect connection of grouping many zettels under same concept. If too many zettels are grouped this way, no longer useful as connection. Need broad range of specificity in tags, from tags that are direct enough to offer a similar degree of connection to actual links, to tags so broad they serve primarily to count how many zettels there are under a particular topic.

Emergence [[20220807143006]]

Structures should emerge naturally from connectivity. For this to occur it's necessary for a lot of connections to be formed; amount of links should be maximised up to constraints given by other rules. Structures should not be forced, but you should know how to note and make record of what appears. Example of structure emerging is zettels being linked to zettels close in level of complexity Organizatorial zettels add some level of structure Concept sinks [[20220223141256]] are another form of structure that may emerge. While some concept sinks may be important, best to avoid allowing basic/trivial concepts to become concept sinks; this can be done by strictly enforcing need for meaningfulness in links.

(note for tumblr users reading this: a "concept sink" is what I call a note that gets notably much much more links than the average note, presumable because a lot of concepts lead back there)

Top-down [[20220807143415]]

Emergence [[20220807143006]] often referred to as "bottom up" construction; however, exists also use for top down construction. Easier to assure connectivity [[20220807142751]] by starting with a "bigger" concept (in "packed concept" [[20220125144819]] terms) and filtering into smaller sub-concepts; sub-concepts guaranteed at least connection to bigger concept, so there is somewhere clear to go. Could refer to this as top-down construction.

Interest/Relevance [[20220807144743]]

Zettels should not be dictionary entries. If there is nothing interesting/new to say about an idea, there is no need for a zettel just to state its definition. If an idea is not interesting but offers a useful link, use a tag. Exception to rule 1 made in mathematics and other areas where definitions are essential Amendment: Definitions may play same role in zettelkasten as primary data

Modes of Use Zettelkasten

Extracting knowledge from memory [[20220322161655]]

Introspection is the process of bringing information already internalised [[20220316215442]] back to consciousness to be re-assessed or recontextualised. (Usually the word is used to refer to information about self that was originally processed subconsciously). Requires ability to block out external stimuli to avoid distraction [[20220124155258]], but cannot occur well under overwhelment [[20220204212805]] as by the time that occurs all processing powers have been exhausted. Re-contextualisation allows building new connections, either between things previously seen as disparate, or between the concept being brought to the surface and things that have been discovered after it was first internalised. [[20220127164837]] Zettelkasten can aid introspection by using links to bring things back to the surface that would not otherwise have been remembered.

Establishing new knowledge from external source [[20220316215442]]

Information is integrated when it is allowed to pass from "out" state to "in" state of membrane [[20220124155258]]. Once in "in" state, it should be easily accessed and incorporated into mental processes. Bringing information into "in" state requires:

Binding [[20220125144819]] - concepts of a certain complexity require ability to be seen as units to be integrated; otherwise, they will contain too many parts for brain to hold at once, and attempting to may lead to overwhelment [[20220204212805]].

Membrane must be open to letting information pass through.

Easier to integrate if it builds on [[20220127164837]] already existing structure - e.g. answers question prompted by pre-integrated information.

Creating new ideas/conclusions [[20220322161655]] Reviewing external source Editing Finding specific note Reading/exploring [[20230124150130]]

Ways of exploring:

Begin in register. Refresh main concepts of a topic and wander down link paths to smaller details. Good for quick refresher but likely to re-tread well known paths. [[20220223141256]]

Look up particular zettel you remember, follow link path to places you don't remember. Risk of leading to dead end quicker than desired.

Pick interesting tag and browse it. More likely to bring up interesting things you don't remember but less focused than previous strategies. Requires good variety & specificity in tag use.

Adding internal structure

[this-is-a-love-story-isnt-it]

Ok I want some opinions on this because I have this vintage camera that used to be my dad’s,. Recently I was inspired to get it fixed and to use it. I couldn’t find anyone locally that fixes those cameras, so I sent it to this guy in Michigan who fixes these types of cameras. Anyway, i sent it and didn’t hear anything from him for like 2 weeks. I wanted to at least make sure he got it and it hadn’t gotten lost in the mail. So I emailed him a couple times and didn’t hear back so then I wondered if it was a scam. Finally he got back to me and said he did get it, but his internet had been out for a like a week bc of a storm or whatever so that’s why he hadn’t responded to my emails. So I was like cool, ok I’m glad. But he didn’t give me any expectations of when to expect him to start fixing it- like his website said he had somewhat of a backlog, but I wasn’t sure what amount of time to expect him to get through the backlog. So anyway like 5 days later I emailed him and asked for a timeline to expect and he told me he had one camera he was currently working on and then a couple of others that were like warantee things and then he would get to mine that Thursday or Friday. Thursday and Friday came and went but I didn’t want to bug him too much since he said there were a few ahead of mine. so I think I waited another week and he told me he had a couple ahead of mine but to expect him to start working on it on whatever day. When I didn’t hear back from him I waited a few days and emailed him again. I figured he’d given me two possible dates and then didn’t at least give me an update when that day came and went. So he emailed me back a couple days later and kind of told me the same thing he told me 2 weeks ago, but that if I “pestered” him it might get done sooner. I still waited another day and then I emailed him and asked if he could get to it the next day (which was Thursday- one of the days he said it would be done anyway). I didn’t hear back from him. So I started to feel like he was just jerking me around. So finally I sent him more of a serious email last night saying that I felt like he was putting me off. Like I understand he had people ahead of me but it sounded like I was next in line for a while. I’m not used to sending those kind of emails. Like I wasn’t rude or mean, but I just told him the facts. So he wrote me back this morning sounding polite but slightly annoyed and said he’s had some cameras there for 6 months waiting to get fixed and that mine took longer than he thought it would. So he explained what he had to do in order to fix it and told me it was finished now. So idk if he got to mine ahead of those ones that he’s had waiting for 6 months because he had initially seen it would be a fairly easy fix, or if I had literally bugged him so much that he put me ahead of a lot of people. But I just had no idea what to expect as far as where I was in line, how long it would take for him to get to my camera, etc. You’d think he would be better at saying “hey, I have about a 3 month backlog and I will let you know the status on x date” or something like that. Then if I didn’t hear from him by that date then I might email him. But I had no idea what kind of timeline to expect so when I asked him for a timeline and he gave me some tentative dates. I should expect an update by then, right? Anyway the email worked because he said it is finished now. But I still am not sure if I was being too annoying by asking for updates. but at the same time I’m thinking that he should have been better at communicating a more definite timeline and giving me updates on the days that he said he would be finished. Right?

[cepetriwrites]

Into the Storm Ch 4

Newest chapter! I got all my chapters done for monthly updates since I'm starting school again and wanted a backlog because idk how easy it'll be to writer :/

Helaena always found her sister Rhaenyra and brother-in-law Laenor more attentive to her than her own parents. As a young child she hopes to marry Jace in order to join gain them as parents. As she grows older she realizes a dark truth, there is a storm coming. With two rising factions threatening to tear apart her family and homeland, she comes up with a solution that can ensure everyone's survival. A marriage between her and Jace, but is such a union even possible with her grandfather's power grab and mother's hatred?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHAPTER FOUR: HARWIN 

There was a devotion that came with loving someone in the dark.  It required sacrifice. To be able to put aside your pride, and soothe your envy. But there were rewards with it. Every stolen moment was truly private, only for him and Rhaenyra. She dubbed him the greatest lover the gods could’ve granted. He never complained about the limits of their affair, nor the indignities. Harwin had known the risks and hurts that would come with life by Rhaenyra’s side, and accepted them the moment he had pressed his lips to the princess’ one late night many years ago. He was not perfect, there were times when he wanted to curse the trappings of his status, though he never let on to Rhaenyra. It was not because he had to live a life on the sidelines, forever in the shadows. He did not desire attention. Commander Strong’s only times of weakness were when he watched his boys stumble and ached to reach out and steady them. When he had to hold back his pride at their achievements, and maintain a certain aloofness. His father’s position as the hand had allowed him some familiarity with the royal family, but he would always yearn for more. 

He did not pity himself though, he could not have asked for a better father to his sons. He would’ve happily been known as Rhaenyra’s whore and raised his children alongside Laenor if such an act wouldn’t risk the entire family’s life. And he found as the years went by, this life was easier to endure.

Even after nearly ten years, meeting with Rhaenyra still brought a smile to his face. No matter how taxing his day had been as the Commander of the Night’s Watch, all his worries melted away when he gazed upon her. She was the best medicine, who needed wine to wash away the day’s troubles when your lover’s arms were waiting for you? He was later than usual, so he wasn’t surprised to find her resting on their bed. He knelt by her side, “Did you fall asleep my love?”

She stirred, “No, only resting my eyes.” She pulled Harwin close to her, laying her head on his chest, his arm wrapped around her.

“How was the council meeting?” His lover let out a long suffering sigh, he knew that the meetings were often long and dry. They tested the limits of Rhaenyra’s patience. It did not help that Alicent was nearly always present. Any good will between them had long since burned away, now every interaction was a fencing match.

“Hmm, we spent many wonderful hours going over the accounting for the royal treasury and where to spend our resources. Alicent managed to find some error with every one of my suggestions.”

Harwin absentmindedly rubbed his thumb along Rhaenyra’s hand, “Look at the bright side, you’ll be excellent at defending your decisions.” 

She gave a small chuckle, “I should thank Alicent for the mentoring when I’m crowned one day.” She was silent for a moment, no doubt thinking of her tumultuous history with her former friend.  “Tell me about your day,” Rhaenyra said finally.

Harwin told her about all the daily tasks he had done for the day as the Commander of City Watch. Oftentimes his days kept a similar routine, listening to reports from different sergeants, going on patrol when need be, overseeing the training of old and new gold cloaks. He enjoyed his work, and appreciated Rhaenyra as least pretending to enjoy his ramblings. He did like to tease her that she always seemed to fall asleep when he described his day.

Without fail, the Princess of Dragonstone was slumbering in his arms. It was nice seeing Rhaenyra, who carried many burdens, finally relaxed, resting in his arms. Some nights he did not fall asleep, instead enjoying the private time he had with her. He would have to rouse her in a few hours. It was the least favorite part of their rendez-vous, having to wake his love, so she could leave him. His greatest enemy was the dawn, they would before have to return to their quarters before morning light came. For now, he enjoyed his precious time with her.

[siodium]

a while ago i heard that nintendo was gonna discontinue their 2ds/3ds support and eshop service soooo i decided to mod my 3ds!! and i was successful!!! now i have access to the entire library of 3ds games and more if you include nds and other emulator games heheh (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

and the best part of all......... cUSTOM THEMES!!! ✨

i also took advantage of the acnl save editor and made marshal a resident in my town!!! yESS finally childhood dream fulfilled!!!

honestly i'm just rly glad that my 3ds still works (only the charger ded but i managed to get a third party replacement) bc i haven't touched it in yEARS. it sucks that you can't buy one in the shop anymore. i'm actually tempted to grab another set (the pikachu 2ds tho 👀) from ebay or something before they are completely wiped from the market but eh i'll think about it a little more. i can only hope that my 3ds lives a long life bc there are so many 3ds exclusive games that i wanna play.

recently i had the most random urge to play zero escape: 999 and i found an online emulator for it bUT THE FEELING JUST WASN'T RIGHT.......

and cooking mama games??? sometimes i just wanna go for a nostalgia run but idk how those games will work without a touchscreen and stylus.

since i can now get any digital game i want, i decided to sell off almost my entire physical 3ds and nds game collection to free up storage space and recoup some money to fund other things. of course, i backed up all my save files from my physical cartridges beforehand and made sure they were properly transferred to the games that i'd downloaded digitally. the only games i kept were persona q2 (part of my p5 collection and also the very last 3ds game i got) and lux-pain (kinda rare?? and i like the artbook that came with it).

i did not expect that some of the games would fetch over $100 in the resale market??? wHY?? when modding exists??? physical game collectors are on another level O: anyway i lowballed myself in hopes of quicker deals and i got so many messages within the first hour of listing?? and it somehow became an auction situation with ppl trying to outbid one another lmaoo that was by far the most interesting carousell experience i've ever had.

for those who are interested in modding, pls use the written guide!! sometimes video guides miss out information/steps and screwing up can mean a bricked system. or if you are my irl friend you can just ask me to do it for you ;-)))

btw the game in the third pic is fantasy life!! it's a chill sandbox rpg with very cute graphics. there's an upcoming fantasy life game that was just announced for the switch and i'm hyped!!! but first,, i need to do something about the backlog

[medstudentblues]

01.13.21 | what a loooong day 😪 I just did darebee’s workout of the day and took a shower and I feel GOOD. tired, but good. 1 subject/day seems like it’s more troubling than the distribution of subjects throughout the week. I think this is mainly because the doctors think they can just extend and extend our time even though the unnecessary pauses and such could have been avoided. it’s just taxing to be in zoom all day.

after classes though, I just passed out!!! been doing that these days. I passed out, woke up at 6pm, and spent two hours with our research team in zoom. endless zooms. 😱

now I’m on bed, taking a break before I finish putting side notes in our physio trans. my take will be the last before proof reading, and then perhaps I’ll study an hour of physio and turn in. will leave gross backlogs for the weekend because transes are not ready yet.

how about you guys? how’s your sem going so far?

also, a good thing today: I asked a surgery question during gross lab today and our uro surgeon was impressed!! he asked how I came to my question (why we use a lot of NSS during cysto surgeries) and I told him I was an OR nurse and they were impressed idk why 😂 he also said he hopes to have me assist in his future uro surgeries and I was thrilled. 😭❤️

[doctorsiren]

Hi! How did you come up with the names for your aus? (Oop not me who needs help naming an au) Also are u gonna turn asks back on for your ask blog?

Snapshot came to me one day while swimming

I went… BROOOOOOO bc haha funny Minecraft snapshots and also each episode is like a snapshot and also funny snap snap Thanos gauntlet

For Featherweight, I was originally going to call it Featherfalling, but I went with FW instead cuz idk?? Haha

Jumbros? Easy. They’re both Jumbos and they are bros

Werewolf!Mumbo…..uh self-explanatory

Heck what other AUs do I have…

I can’t think of other ones rn my brain has gone splat

I kinda just come up with them?? I do not know how to explain bc I don’t really know-

For the askblog thing, I’ll turn them back on once I get a good portion of the backlog answered! I just don’t have a lot of time at the moment whoopsieee

[purrrish]

Updates on what had happened. It’s gonna be fucking long so read it at your own risk.

My emotions got the best of me again at 12am. I went to the hospital myself and they admitted me in, proceeded with registration and everything. I never expected this to happen this way and I was worried cuz I have meetings and church duties this week. 

One uhhh Medical Officer (MO for short) came to me and started asking questions, what had happened, what was the main reason, what sort of feelings I was experiencing, etc. Typical question. And although I feel like I was doing my best to answer, and sometimes I don’t understand what does he want out of me. I still tried, okay. I tried, I freaking tried. Like, he asked “What insecurities? I need you to tell me.” I was like, “Fear of the future? Fear of expectations? Fear of being under the limelight?”

He then asked another question, “Why did you come at 12am? Don’t you know we’re very busy at this time?”

I almost wanted to leave. It’s like complaining that I’m taking up the hospital’s resources and all that.

He then continued, “No, I’m just wondering your train of thoughts, I need to know it.”

I didn’t know that seeking for help needs to have an ideal time so I explained that I had another emotional breakdown in the middle of the night and I should really find help. Originally had a breakdown in the afternoon at work but work responsibilities stopped me from leaving the workplace, so I couldn’t come. Now that it’s midnight so what’s stopping me from getting help. Plus it’s easier to find a carpark at night.

This dude, the MO realized that his colleague was my church friend (Yes, my church friend was there and yes, he recognized me). And this MO been wanting my friend to like get some blood tests done on me and I just... Idk... 

This dude after getting the details even commented that “No wonder you’ll be stressed, still living with your mother lah.” ... You don’t really need to rub salt on my wound but fine.

He then called his friend who’s the psych on-call for the night, and he described the situation on the phone, what are the symptoms (suicidal thoughts aka how I planned/wanted to die, any other emotional disturbance, etc.), what are the scales, and many more that I can’t remember cuz it happened at about 1 something in the morning. At the end he mentioned that he suspected it may be MDD, and after that he did tell me that whatever symptoms I was expressing was Major Depressive Disorder. And that it can be fixed by serotonin and some medication to help me to sleep. This MO said that things will be fine, it can be fixed, told me to calm down. Inside I was like “Thanks bruh at least I feel validated about my feelings and I’m not going mad and I really hope that I can get something that can alter my mood.”

.

The real shit comes down when the psych doctors came in at 2 smth close to 3am. I greeted them, and they wanted an entire timeline. The referral letter I brought with me was written in January but the appointment set for me is on 27th April aka one damn week later. So I had to recall the entire story where I Don’t Quite Remember, cuz I legit tore up the entire backlog I did on uhhh Sunday evening as I was already giving up on my state, that I didn’t want to get help anymore, to just let me wither and die.

Fine, I recalled what happened and told him. Then he asked me what was the main issue that brought me to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night. Which I then explain the entire thing of my mom telling people about me getting the new job and that I was unhappy with it because I feel the weight of expectation and stuffs. Doc was unhappy with me cuz he didn’t understand the timeline I was talking about and he accused me that I was “beating around the bush”. 

I WAS NOT. I WAS TELLING HIM THE ENTIRE TIMELINE, OF WHAT HAPPENED DAY BY DAY AND HIM NOT UNDERSTANDING A RESIGNATION NOTICE OF 2 MONTHS IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT OKAY?!!

But then, doc went: “Shouldn’t you know by now that Isn’t this a typical Asian thing? That everyone in the family will know things?”

I froze. It being a typical Asian thing doesn’t mean I’m equipped with the ability to accept things like this happening. 

Doc continued: “About the expectation, you mentioned you’re not that close with your family members, so don’t you think that they have more things to focus on, to have expectation on, instead of on you?”

I didn’t know what to say. I feel that my fears and insecurities were once again invalidated, this time by a professional. A medical professional I went to for help. That my fears towards the unknown future, the huge leap ahead is something not worth mentioning. I mean, yeah, sure, it’s not worth it. But to me it’s something huge, something I WILL BE THE ONE WHO’S GONNA BE LIVING WITH, NOT MY MOM NOT MY RELATIVES AND DEFINITELY NOT HIM. I WILL BE WORRYING ABOUT RENT, ABOUT POSSIBLE FAILURES (CUZ THERE ARE CHANCES I’LL JUST BREAK DOWN AT WORK AGAIN) AND HOW PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE GONNA JUDGE ME. “Ah, knew it, she can’t survive in KL”, “So excited and look at her now”, AND MANY OF THE THOUGHTS HAVE BEEN PLAGUING MY MIND.

I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL PROUD OF ME. I DON’T WANT OTHERS TO KNOW OF MY NAME, TO KNOW ABOUT MY EXISTENCE. JUST CUZ Y’ALL OLDER ASIANS LIKE TO SHOW OFF DOESN’T MEAN Y’ALL NEED TO SHOW ME OFF LIKE THAT, CAN???

Plus what my mom said, she said she will have no second opinions if I find the job difficult and I wanted to quit. No. She stopped me from quitting my current job earlier in January. I wanted to quit my job to focus on my mental health and life but I couldn't. And now she says that if I can't deal with the new job I can just quit anytime. Utter fucking bullshit.

Moving on. 

Tho I think I told him that there were other instances that she has done this before, which I told him about the infamous case with my niece. My niece came to my town to “learn English” but in an argument against the entire family (my mom, my brother and I), she mentioned that she didn’t learn any English the entire week of her being here. Welp, she wasn’t here for even a week and I’ve been tutoring her English by making her do newspaper cutouts, doing summaries and all that at night after work. 

Not the point. The point is. One day, my mom shared in the group chat a screenshot of the conversation she had with my niece, in which she said she’ll take her back to her hometown that very day. I went home after work, happy that I’ll finally regain my peace. I saw my mom in her pyjamas. I asked why wasn’t she preparing to leave, she said that it was all for show. I combusted, I exploded. ALL FOR WHAT FUCKING SHITSHOW. I took my game console and sped to my friend’s place to vent and have someone to cry to. She then sent a photo in the group chat: lexapro. She then said and I quote, “我觉得赶她走很残忍，如果她是病人。” which translates to, “I feel that it’s cruel to chase her away, if she’s ill”. 

I broke down. Because she only sees her grandniece who’s ill instead of her own daughter who’s been suffering for years. I remembered what my brother told my niece in one of the arguments, “你不用担心我们妈妈偏心。她向来是对自己的孩子特别残忍的。” translating to “You have no need to worry our mom being biased. She’s the cruelest to her own children.” 

That very moment, I felt super crushed and I absolutely refused to talk to her. The next day she brought my niece back to the hometown for one week. I felt that I finally have a space to breathe.

Back to the doctor visitation. All that I managed to inform them (there were two docs but there’s this main dude that’s doing most of the speaking and questioning in a rather condemning tone, personal thought) was that my niece came and it triggered another episode of Why Am I Like This, Why Does My Mom Not See Her Own Daughter Is Suffering and Wants To Be Holy Mary To Other People Instead.

The doc went, “so this is not the main issue of you turning up in Emergency at this time.”

No, it sure not is the main reason. But I’m illustrating how my mom have been dismissive of my emotions and feelings and how everything in the past kept building up and now it’s like the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. Were you even listening?

Doc continued by asking my what symptoms do I have that affected my work. I told him that I’ve been breaking down at work, and that I kept nodding off at work, and I couldn’t concentrate. Things that can be completed in 2 hours will require me to do for more than a week. Used to be able to multitask and now I can’t complete a single task. He categorized all these under sleeping problems.

Doc then asked me what sort of intrusive or suicidal thoughts I have, why do I feel this sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. Or were there any instances where I wanted to self-harm. I told him I’ve thought of it, but the fear of pain had pulled me back. He then asked, “Try to think about the other kids, those who are less privileged than you, less financially privileged. Those kids in warzones. Don’t you think you’re more blessed than them?” A myriad of thoughts went through my head and yet I felt it so empty. I legit asked him, “Are we gonna go there? Are we gonna compare?” And he was like “Yeah. So that you should know to not look at those and focus on the blessings you have.”

Right. I feel fucking invalidated again.

Dude, do you legit think that’s gonna work? I’ve already noticed so many people are trying to live the moment I stepped into Emergency and I was already questioning myself “people here are trying to live and i’m here trying to die.” I legit feel so bad but I couldn’t do anything because the thought of un-aliving myself sounded like the easiest way out of life and I really don’t know what’s holding me on this life anymore. People around me will tell me to live for other people but no I can’t. I can’t even persuade myself, how the fuck am I supposed to persuade others?

He continued asking me how do I feel about the new job. I told him I was starting to dislike it. Cuz of how many problems it’s been bringing along, how many shit it’s been stirring with it. I’m already disliking and hating and loathing it, eventho I know I need it for a better pay and for me to leave the place. I know I need it, I know I need to go for it, but deep down I just hate and wanna go against it. I feel like I couldn’t make a choice and I just wanna crumble up and turn into dust.

Anyways. The doc told me to call my mom at about 4:30am. I was like, “Do I need to? She’s asleep.” And he was like yeah or else he can’t discharge me. I asked can my brother come instead, to which he refused, saying that the main reason is the communication with my mom and that my mom has to come. I didn’t like this cuz it felt that he was forcefully tearing open my wounds and wanting my source of distress to come.

But eitherway, I called. And passed the damn phone to the doc. The doc went out to talk cuz the connection in the ER was and is terrible. He then came back with the phone and told me that he gave the option to talk to my mom over the phone but my mom insisted on coming over. I mean, duh. She’ll try to make amends. I’m not saying that she isn’t, but I honestly no longer need it. The best thing right now probably is me being emotionally detached from her to be able to not be this hung up over her words and how she deals with my emotional issues. If I do not care, then it wouldn’t hurt this much, right?

So when she came, the doctor asked her about her history, and understood that she’s a rational, came from an orthodox chinese educated background. Then he turned to me and asked, “So you already know that people at her age, something like senior citizen age already, coming from that background, their thoughts are already fixed, right?” 

I could only nod. I was too tired to refute anything anymore.

He then turned his focus to my mom and saying that he understands how bright I was and will be, and that she will definitely feel proud. My mom went, “Proud, but more of joy.” and he went, “I understand.”

No. You’re only understanding her. You’re not understanding me.

The both then continued exchange. My mom said that she’s worried if the OCP I’ve been taking have contributed to the feelings of depression. Doc was happy that my mom did her research, “Yes, it can cause feelings of depressed.” And deep down I just wanted to roll my eyes. I’ve been taking them since November. Why didn’t I have issues back then and now you’re pushing all the blame onto medications?

I had issues in January because I wanted to resign from work when it was draining me. She didn’t allow me to, telling me to think about the other responsibilities and liabilities.

I had issues in late February to March because of my niece. I felt betrayed and exceptionally hurt because she focused on her grandniece and pitied her instead of me who was suffering under her very eyes.

I had issues in April because of how she, once again, invalidated my fears and my concerns, telling me that I should let things of the past go, let go of past hurts. But the thing is that the wounds weren’t healed, it was never healed, and her actions have been constantly tearing the wounds open again and again.

I have reasons, I knew what happened that caused my depressive mood to strike. And the way she casually shifts the blame onto the Yasmin that was controlling the growth of cyst just pisses me off.

I’m once again reminded. The times where I had terrible period pain and she told me to just do more house chores and to exercise. When the ultrasound scanned a fairly large cyst, she told me to leave my job immediately and was worried. I laughed, I scorned. I have been telling her I was in pain, I was uncomfortable. She Fucking Brushed It Off. And it’s been rather late when she wants to help.

The same happens here too. With my mental and emotional condition. I’ve been asking her for help, and she kept brushing it away. “Suicidal thoughts? Aiya all people have experienced it at some point lah. When I was young I also wanted to die.”

Moving on back to the point again. She kept explaining her side of the story to the doctor. But honestly speaking, I was zoning out. Because the entire thing felt like he was counseling my mom instead of me. I was either nodding or agreeing. I felt too tired, too hopeless again, to have my voice not heard. The doctor then looked at me, “See, this is why you two need to communicate, what we’re doing right now is family counseling. This was what you wanted, right?”

“No.” I replied deadpanned. “I wanted it in 2020, but now it’s 2022, I no longer want it.”

I don't quite remember when did he say this, but he mentioned that it's important to communicate so that I won't be doing the same thing with my kids. I shook my head immediately. Dude, I'm not passing the generational trauma.

Doc prolly took the hint this time and ended the conversation. But then he told me to attempt sleep hygiene, to only go into my room when I want to sleep. Other times I should be doing my job elsewhere, in the living room or what not. This is for me to fix my sleep and so that I would stop being so tired constantly and having low energy. I wanted to combust but I couldn’t. I had no energy to do so. My room is my fortress, my safe space. I talk to my friends, play games with my friends, do whatever shit I want in my own safe space. And now you’re telling me to do this outside? Dude I’m not the type of person who wants their entire life being known. Might as well tell me to leave the house and only return when I want to sleep.

It was almost time for them to start eating to prepare for fasting (Ramadhan) so they had to end things there. He told me fix my sleep habit with this but istg I won’t be doing this. I’d choose my safe space over sleep anytime. Doc also told me to resume hobbies and what not, saying that they are therapeutic. Also told me to take a break from work when I don't feel emotionally alright. Dude, I've been taking emergency leaves Every Fucking Month because I broke down before entering the damned office. I'm already alert and aware of things going on in my head.

After that, my mom followed him out of the ER while I waited for the other doc to type out the letter for me. I originally have an appointment on the 27th but now it’s moved to today and the follow up will be three weeks later.

I can tell you I won’t wanna go. I do not trust him. I do not feel comfortable.

When I had the letter and left the room to find my mom, I heard my mom telling him how much she worries over me and he agreed with her, saying that he understands. “Your daughter is bright and she has a greater life ahead. I would be proud of her as well.”

Oh God, Please. Not this again. Didn’t you hear what I talked about expectations?

When we (my mom and I) left the hospital, I absolutely refused to talk to her. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her, that it’s stressful and I just absolutely despise talking to my main source of stress. I’ve learnt to pinpoint the various root cause of my problems and it all pointed to her. So what’s the problem with me not wanting to talk to her?

I then went to the Starbucks that’s open 24H, got a drink, used the washroom, sat there and contemplated life. Then I went to another place where I parked my car and just. Slept. Napped. Idk. Something. Whatever. Waited until it was morning to call my support system and cried to her. She came up with a suggestion/solution to my problem and I finally calmed down.

Now I gotta finish typing this, post it up, take a shower, continue packing my bags and leave to my friend’s place. Thank God and whatever higher powers above that allow me to have nice friends. 

End.

[abybweisse]

I've seen a thread on ig about how Undertaker was probably never Claudia's lover, and I know you kinda ship them or at least are a believer of the UT=Cedric theory, I kinda am too and I tried not to be bias while reading that post but I feel like their points were rlly weak. Here are some points that tried to debunk UTxClaudia: 1. Cedric canonly has a birth and a death date which means he is human (lol).

2.Because UT was already a shinigami when he met Clau, we need to ask ourselves some questions: Why should a shinigami be able to have children? Since the shinigami duty is a punishment for those who commited suicide. Being able to live a nice life, have kids and interfere with human affairs and lives does not respect those facts.

3. Isn't it weird for him to fall in love with someone that was born 24 yrs after he came to the human world?

4. UT expressed strong feelings toward all the other mourning lockets and Vincent especially. Why would Claudia be more important than the rest of them?

Idk but when I read this I went ??? a bit cause I dont think it rlly debunks anything :/.. or maybe I cant see it that way cause I'm a fan of the theory/ship. However I wanted to see the side of a theorist/ an analytical pov, so what do u think?

Thanks for thinking of me! 😊

Only two things boggle my mind, here:

How that person thought their arguments debunked anything in the world, and

How you managed to send such a long ask in one message....

Anyway, I’ve received asks like this before, but it’s usually from people who think more like that thread on ig. You can try searching my blog with some of the tags on this post, like #cedric k. ros—, etc. But let me see if I can pull up something that gets to the heart of this ask....

....Um, it’s really spread out over way too many posts for me to grab that many links. Anyway, a search for “cedric k ros” brought up a ton of posts generally on this topic.

Also, my beliefs have changed somewhat over the years. I wonder how old that ig thread is, since we’ve learned a lot more canon information on Undertaker and the Phantomhive family since I first joined the discussion of Undertaker’s true identity. So, I’ll address each part of your ask here and now.

Cedric has a canon birthdate and death date, so he must be human. Well, it means he must have once been human, but it doesn’t mean he’s a mere human now. Besides, the years of his birth and death are rather conveniently covered up by a speech bubble. The rest of his last name, too. Go check out all my #cedric of rotherwood posts. Cedric might have lived and died centuries ago, might have become a reaper long ago, too.

Shinigami having kids breaks the rules. Reapers being able to have children could actually be part of their punishment... if my theory is correct that reapers are reborn as a form of karmic reincarnation. That would mean reapers are born to biologically female reapers, who definitely do exist; there just don’t appear to be as many of them, which fits suicide statistics. A reaper having children with a human goes against reaper rules, since they are not supposed to meddle in human affairs... just collect souls. Technically, they don’t even judge the souls, they just follow a protocol to verify it’s that person’s time to die. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible; it just does, in fact, mean Undertaker is breaking reaper rules. But he’s obviously doing that anyway. Why not break all of them? 🤨 Edit: There’s a good reason for him to want to have children with human females (not even necessarily just one), for the very reason that it skirts around this punishment of making more reapers with reaper females. Reapers like Undertaker, who might be mating with humans, can cause the reaper organization to become even more understaffed over time. That’s something else I have mentioned before in my theory about them being reborn. There could even be a backlog of souls from suicide victims that are waiting around for new reaper bodies to be placed into. And the way Ronald flirts with females both in the reaper realm and the human realm suggests that Undertaker isn’t the only one who might be spreading around his reaper genes... changing the very nature of humanity over the generations.

It’s weird that Undertaker would fall in love with a human within however many years of deserting his post. Not weird at all, plus we don’t know whether love is the only thing that might have brought them together. Also, 24 years is merely a guess... and not a very good one. 136649 tried to destroy reaper HQ ~70years before 1889, so around 1819. The year these three things historically happened: 1. Queen Victoria was born, 2. Prince Albert was born, and 3. (Sir) Walter Scott introduced the world to Cedric of Rotherwood in Ivanhoe. He even invented that name, Cedric. Undertaker says he hadn’t been called a reaper in about 50years. That suggests two things: 1. He not only failed to destroy the HQ, but he also might have been captured, punished, and returned to his work as a reaper until he finally deserted about 20years later, and 2. If he didn’t actually manage to escape until around 1839 or thereabouts, then Cloudia/Claudia was just a kid at the time. Undertaker might have become involved in the Phantomhive family’s “work” before she became watchdog; he might have been an informant to her father, for example.

Why should he care more about Cloudia/Claudia than the other people on the lockets or Vincent? If he loved her, and if she bore his children, then it would explain this quite easily. Who wouldn’t cry over the death of their child? These other six people represented by the other lockets must also have been particularly dear to him, for various possible reasons. But he seems to focus the most on her locket. It’s also placed directly in the center of the chain; they are not in order of death dates. (In fact, their last initials create a pretty cool set of notes, with Phantomhive becoming an F or an F# [F sharp]. Please see #lockets’ melody and #leitmotif posts that date as far back as 2016). And more recently, her locket (and her locket alone) has become a symbol of Undertaker in series merchandise. Them having been lovers would explain it pretty well, I should think! And, if I’m right that “136649” means he became the 49th registered reaper of 1366, then Cloudia/Claudia died (was killed) not just on a Friday the 13th... but also 500 years after Undertaker was registered as a reaper.

Thanks for this ask, and please check out the tags below for more information.

[shiftysdogtags]

Heyyy can I have a Joe Toye request. He asks a girl to dance one weekend while at Toccoa and really likes her and blah blah blah. Goes off to war. Then meets again after he’s wounded, maybe she’s a nurse, and he’s all ashamed because he can’t dance now, but she likes him anyway. Or something. Idk, I just have the bare bones idea. 🤔

Hi! I kinda went with your idea and i really hope it's okay and it's what you we're thinking of. it gave me so many Joe Toye feels and i didn't think i was possible to fall more in love with him. 

All requests are open💕

Taglist: @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant @floydtab @curraheewestandalone @liebegott @vintagelavenderskies

Dance with Me

Joe looked at her sitting all by herself. While all her fellow nurses got up to dance with various guys, Y/N sat tapping her feet to the music. He couldn’t understand how no one had asked her to dance.

Joe placed his drink down on the table with sudden realisation. He thought Y/N was beautiful and he couldn’t stand to see her alone, but he was also glad she wasn’t pressed closely against some paratrooper who would run his dirty hands all over her. “I want her” Joe nodded at Y/N with his head

“You go get ‘em” Luz rolled his eyes at his friends knowing full well he couldn’t dance to save his life.

With one last look, Joe stood to his feet and It was like he had tunnel vision. Nothing else mattered except Y/N and he couldn’t help but wonder how her hand would feel wrapped in his. He realised he would have to ask her before he could dream about how her skin felt.

The closer he got the further away he felt and the more his nerves made him shake. At some point, he caught her attention and she was staring back at him. It was too late to back out now, he thought. She had seen him walking towards her and he didn’t want the embarrassment of having to return to his friends after chickening out.

Joe had crossed the room and as he stood in front of her, he suddenly lost the use of his voice. Y/N waited for him to speak but Joe was in awe of her and the way she held herself. “Dance” He blurted out. Joe closed his eyes in awkwardness. He didn’t even say hello or tell her his name.

When Joe opened his eyes, he expected Y/N to be bewildered and get up and leave, but there was nothing but a warm look in her eyes. “Are you asking me to dance soldier?”  

“I’m trying to” he said in a mousy tone of voice, almost shrinking away from her. Joe looked at the floor as he felt his cheeks redden, but he didn’t miss the smirk she sent his way. Y/N held out her hand, which he took both gratefully and confused.

She was the one to lead him to the dance floor and he gladly let her. Y/N turned to face him, placing both of Joe’s hands on her waist and hers around his neck. The feeling of her hand gripping his neck was everything he thought it would be and more.

Joe continued to stare at his feet, trying to avoid standing on her toes, and he only looked up when Y/N spoke into his ear. “So, are you going to tell me your name soldier?”

After that night, Y/N and Joe were inseparable when they both had free time. Although spare time was rare, because he was running Currahee or doing more jump training, he always made time for her. When she wasn’t learning how to treat gunshot wound or about bandages, she was at Joe’s side.

When he had to leave for Aldbourne, he promised to write her every chance he got. It was a promise he kept and despite the terribly horrific mail service, Y/N received letters from Joe. Sometimes two came at once due to the backlog of deliveries. She lived for his letters, his handwriting like a song she was desperate to hear. The letters became few and far between the longer the war went on, but she didn’t blame Joe because she surely knew he was busy.

One day the letters stopped coming altogether. At first, Y/N though it was the crappy mail service, but the other nurses were getting their mail just fine. She kept writing to him for weeks with not a single reply. It wasn’t until she asked her friend Anna, who was dating Donald Malarkey in Joe’s company, to ask her boyfriend what was up that she learned why he hadn’t been replying. For months she worried about him, but little did she know what had happened to him and poor Bill Guarnere in Bastogne.

The months she spent writing letters to him in Europe and he was lying in an adjacent hospital ward to the one she worked in. As soon as she found out, Y/N went to see him, but he didn’t want to see her. No matter how many times she tried to get in, she was refused entry on Joe’s orders. She decided to write him more letters, giving them to the nurse on duty instead of mailing.

Seven or eight letters and three weeks later Y/N had enough. She was going into that ward whether Joe Toye liked it or not and she was going to give him a piece of her mind.

Y/N pulled the curtain back to see Joe sitting up in his bed looking out the window. His head snapped towards her when he heard the hooks of the curtain screeching against the metal pole and his face fell. The rollercoaster of emotions on his face could be easily read. Fear to shame, to anger.

“Get out.” Despite the rage boiling with him he never screamed or raised his voice. He wasn’t mad at her; he was mad that she was seeing him in the state he was currently in. All the scrapes on his face and arms were nearly finished healing, but his leg, although under a thin white sheet, was obviously wrapped up in thick layers of bandages.

“Joe- “

“Leave, please.” His chest was heaving, trying to breathe and calm himself down.

Y/N stood still, her legs heavy like stone, even if she wanted to move, she couldn’t. She stared at him while he looked everywhere but at her. The silence between them was full of tension and discomfort. In all the time she had known him, there was never an awkward moment between them.

“Joe, talk to me.” She sounded desperate, the quiet between them was killing her. She needed to know why he was ignoring her and pushing her away.

“I can't dance.” He blurted it out with a tone that was obviously harsher than he meant. His shoulders relaxed as he let out a heavy breath and she watched his eyes momentarily close. “I can't- I can't dance.”

Joe’s brown eyes avoided looking at her, missing the baffled expression on her face. The completely unexpected and spontaneous admission confused Y/N to no end. What has dancing got to do with anything?

She didn’t understand. Joe was sweet and he always had a smile waiting for her. Ever since she had met him, he had never uttered a word in a harsh tone towards here, and yet here he was like his personality had done a complete U-turn.

“Joe, what do you mean?” Y/N only had the words out of her mouth, and she remembered his leg. Glancing down, she wanted to slap herself there and then. Joe reached down to touch where his leg should’ve been in an almost automatic reaction.

Joe looked at her looking at his leg. He tried to read her reaction. Pity was the last thing he wanted and certainly not from her. He would rather she blew into anger or a fit of rage than stand in front of him with sympathy written all over her face.

She could see him battling with himself to choose the right words. The expression on his face was a mixture of fear and embarrassment. He was ashamed. Y/N knew Joe struggled to describe his feelings, especially when it came to her. Patience was the only way to deal with him when he got like this. “The night we met- “

When he didn’t continue his sentence, Y/N knew he was lost for words. He couldn’t say what he wanted to say out straight and direct, so she chose another method. It was guaranteed to get him to talk to her at least. “You hadn’t said two words to me until you asked me to dance.” Y/N beamed.

“The most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” The memory would be forever engraved in his mind, something he thought of regularly at night in his foxhole. Joe felt his heart sing and break all at once. With a hoarse voice he swallowed the lump in his throat and begged the tears not to fall.

They fell into another silence and Joe was sure she could hear his heart pounding against his chest. He was so deeply in love with her he was prepared to let her go and move on with someone else. He didn’t want her to settle for him and look back in twenty years’ time and regret visiting him in the hospital. He didn’t want her to stay with him because she felt some sort of obligation towards him just because they were together.

“Dancing, that’s what your problem is? You want to dance, with me?” Y/N almost laughed, but for his sake she didn’t. He didn’t answer, avoiding her eyes once again and suddenly interested on the loose thread of the white hospital sheets.

“You should be with someone you can dance with, someone who can make you as happy as you were that night.”

It was then Y/N couldn’t hold in her slight laugh. Biting her lip was the only way to stop herself and she felt bad for poor Joe. Obviously offended, his face dropped causing her to place her hand on his cheek. At first, he physically flinched away but against his better judgement he leaned against her hand. “Joe, I only danced because you asked me. I'm not a big lover of dancing, that’s why I was sitting on my own.”

He couldn’t believe it. The whole time he lay in the hospital bed he thought back to that night and he swore he had never seen someone as happy as Y/N did on that dance floor. The thought of not being able to make her that happy ever again scared him. He could live with only one leg, but he couldn’t live with knowing he was stopping the person he loved from truly being happy.

“I love you” Joe placed his hand over hers, kissing her palm.

“I love you too.” Y/N noticed his hand was rougher than she remembers, but it didn’t change how she felt about him. He was her Joey, no matter what. “And besides, I wouldn’t want to dance with anyone but you.”

[amjustagirl]

heyo~ how are you Nikki?

i think i saw something about a new job??? but im not too sure, i've been a bit ia since im finally back on studying :>

two things, actually two + one

first things first i don't really enjoy tumblr, in general, anymore so im just going through yours and one more blog every once in a while, if you have any problem with me spamming your notifs sometimes, please let me know T^T

secondly, again im sorry if i've missed this, but are you cooking anything regarding bestest-but-not-my-fav-boy Miya Onigiri Osamu ? ,':3

and the plus one uhh what was it ? oh ! hands off Kita-san please you're married leave some crumbs for us (no i didn't just call a deity "crumbs")

and another thing i just remembered, are you doing more personal requests for headcannons/short drabbles etc? unless my inner boomer dark side is manifesting itself again and i can't even navigate a tumbrl blog again, it hasn't been specified anywhere?

anyway, it's totally okay if you don't !! i know you've got a lot to take care off and having some time to yourself isn't a crime, so you should totally prioritise the rest !!

i just remembered an anonymous request id made during an event a few months ago(?), i was so anxious about it as well lol, it feels odd now in retrospective, anyway !! i hope im finding you well :3 also your husband? idk how and why he came to mind but i hope you're both doing well ^^

ellie!!!! how was your trip!!!

i did get a new job HAHA ahhh v v excited, got a raise, my new bosses seem so so nice and i love that the location is mega convenient for me so it's a win! the husband's moving jobs too so it's a pretty exciting time for us!

(hehe pls a girl can dream about one kita shinsuke still tho!!!)

oh and pls dw abt spamming my notifs - i personally think it's an honour! and pls do forgive me if i disappear and take a while to answer your asks, cos i tend to huddle away and write fics HAHAHA so when i'm quiet, it usually means something's cooking up in nikki's kitchen, so to speak!!!

i will probably write a osamu storm chaser fic one day....when inspiration truly visits me. i have...ideas but like....i really need to sit down and think through it - it's not hitting me just right, unlike my bokuto sc fic which is just such a joy to write (finished 1k words today whoo!!!) oh and i am taking in...suggestions - but like....i'm kinda afraid of definitively saying i'll take requests cos i do have a backlog and im a slow slow SLOW writer so i don't wanna disappoint anyone >< but if you do have any outtakes you wanna see, feel free to shoot them at me! i'll...try my best!

(also EH did i get to your request!!!! lmk which one it was!)

[s1utspeare]

Get To Know Me!

@foxofninetales tagged me in this ask game and since I LOVE HER i will now be doing it (i mean i’d do it anyway but now it will be filled with love for FOX i am not accepting CRITICISM ON THIS POINT)

Part I

name: Brigid! I’m named after the Irish goddess of like, poetry, healing, smithcraft, and protection, or the Irish saint (they’re both pretty similar it’s just whether or not you’re talking about Celtic religion or Catholicism). She’s very cool, and I think it’s a very fitting name for who I turned out to be!

pronouns: she/her

star sign: i’m an insufferable theatre kid of course I’m a Leo

height: 5'8″ babeeeyyy (172 cm). I’m not short like, at all, but all of my family members are over six foot, so I’m like. tiny in comparison. they all make fun of me all the time for it :(

time: 8:49pm! A delightful time of evening!!! 

birthday: July 31st, same day as Harry Potter lol.

nationality: american :P

fave bands/groups/solo artists: hnnnngggghhhh why would u ask me this I don’t KNOW jk i just have a lot uhhhhh all time faves would be Bastille and Mumford and Sons, but I’m SUPER into kpop right now, so my top groups are BTS, Stray Kids, and One OK Rock (who are technically jpop but I really like their stuff). I also am a Broadway BITCH (hello, theatre kid) so before this year all of my Spotify library was basically just show tunes. 

song stuck in your head: Get Away by VeriVery. I think they’re a pretty new group? idk i saw them on one of those tumblr promotional things and checked out the music video which is like??? really interesting conceptually? so I’ve just been listening to the song for a while lol. 

last movie you watched: Train to Busan! I’m gearing up to write a dmbj zombie apocalypse AU and so I was like “this is a popular zombie film! I’ll watch it for inspiration! :)” holy shit. holy shit i was so wrong. It’s one of the most viscerally affecting films I think I’ve ever seen, I was like. On the verge of an anxiety attack the entire time but in like the best possible way?? it’s a mastery of character introduction and action/horror and I cried for like the last ten minutes straight. SO affecting. I do NOT RECOMMEND IT if u are already made anxious by zombie apocalypse scenarios, blood, violence, and a Lot of Death. 

last show you binged: hmmm uh like I’m currently watching Mystic Nine but at like a normal pace, so the last show I probably binge watched was maybeeee The Uncanny Counter on Netflix? HIGHLY recommend that one, I made @cross-d-a watch it and I’m living for her liveblog reactions lmao. Idk most of my free time has been spent writing the past few months which. After months of only having the energy to watch shows is kind of really invigorating? the things u can do when u fix ur health I’ll tell you what

when you created your blog: in 2012 asldighalsdkfjladskjga i came on here to like burdge’s pjo fanart :)

the last thing you googled: "is it bad not to have an air cap on your tire” ALSDIGHALKDFJLADFJA FUCK ME (i learned that it’s not necessarily bad but it can get dirt and stuff built up in there so I went to the store after work today and replaced it)

other blogs: everything is here bc i am too lazy to create a sideblog! so sorry to everyone who does not follow me for cdrama content bc this is all I am now. 

why i chose my url: cause it’s my ao3 username and i wanted people to be able to find me more easily on tumblr! :) the long answer is because i love shakespeare and also i think that slut is a really funny word and concept for me especially because i am one of the most sexless people u will ever meet in ur life so slutspeare is like. an aggressively ace joke that only I think is funny. 

how many people are you following: 588

how many followers do you have: ah just over 200?!??!!? which is like. a lot for me. I think it was like 75 up until like last year omg 

average hours of sleep: my sleep app says I average around eight! which is very good for me! I do have to get enough sleep consistently or I will Have A Bad Time so my sleep schedule is pretty good and luckily I don’t have the Insomnia depression I have the Sleep Lots one which I am glad for bc idk what I’d do if I couldn’t Be Unconscious regularly. Die probably. 

lucky numbers: I don’t think I have lucky numbers?? my favorite number is 21 for no reason other than the vibes alone. 

instruments: i’ve played the piano for uhhhh.... eighteen years now? and I can play the ukulele and am surprisingly good with the recorder since I’ve had to play it in Multiple Theatre Performances. I was also an honor choir singer back in high school so I’ve done a lot of select ensemble stuff which was super fun! 

what i'm currently wearing: a Life Is Good long-sleeved t-shirt that says “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” that I got in a military surplus store like a million years ago and red Adidas athletic shorts that I found at the thrift store a couple weeks back

dream job: playwright! I just wanna be a playwright! playwriting is like drugs i literally go nuts for it

dream trip: I don’t know??? I don’t really like traveling tbh aslidhalkfdj umm I do want to see the grand canyon sometime before I die tho so maybe a road trip down there? I definitely like traveling solo so I’d probably just hang out with myself and drive and go to whatever places I want and see dumb tourist attractions and sing loudly in the car

fave food: CURRY i know i said eggs the last time it asked me this but I miss my local Indian restaurant I want to eat literal Platefuls of tikka masala at 12pm at the Indian buffet after my physics class again :(

top three fictional universe you'd like to live in: hmmm i don’t know, actually! probably one where I have Powers and could do Cool Hand Motions and make Lights Appear. If I were anywhere with like. An Actual World-Dooming problem tho I would not be helpful at all. I would just die. Besides, I already live in fictional universes half the time, I’m a writer! 

Part II

last song: Basquiat by Pentagon! The music video is like. Very whumpy. So if you’re into that... the song’s also a bop

last stream: i don't watch streams very often, I just watch clips from them, cause those usually just give the best parts lol 

currently reading: mmmmmbbbaaaaahhhhh literally nothing? I’m trying to get caught up on the backlog of dmbj fic I haven’t gotten around to so Binding by @vishcount is next on that list! oh I guess I’m also reading Johnny Tremain with my kids (one of them SPOILED THE END and I forgot how it ended and now I’m big sad). 

currently watching: Mystic Niiiiinnnneeeeee! love those gay history bitches. everyone in that show is so funny. I just finished the Fuba Side Plot tho and now we’re back to Politics so i’m like >:( someone give zhang baby rishan a hug (and then i write angst about him what is wrong with me)

what is antipoetry to you: antipoetry??? what the heck is antipoetry hold on... uhhhh that’s just poetry. who came up with this term. i guess like lyrical fiction would be the technical correct definition but idk I consider anything to be poetry! like that’s the whole point! poetry is poetry is poetry as long as it’s focused on intensity and emotions it’s poetry! a haiku? poetry. the random one-lined mess of words on my phone? poetry. a literal drawing of a cardinal with the word “bird” written next to it? poetry. idk I’ve been trying to teach my kids that there are no wrong ways to write creatively; if you’re expressing yourself and making emotions, then you’re writing! also like half of my work could be considered antipoetry lmao. I love emotionally supercharging the mundane.

currently craving: i have noooo ideaaaasssss i’m literally just vibing. uh. water? ok i took care of that one my water bottle was right next to me. 

AH IF YOU READ THIS MUCH THANK YOU???? i love u 

uhhhh no pressure tags for @xia-xueyi, @nope4ever, @bookjoyworm, @elletromil, and @gaiahenshin, as well as anyone else who would like to give the full-rundown on themselves! :D