#idk how to use a lot of makeup
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I know fuck shit about contour and proper blush placement and similar things so like sorry not sorry but im here for the allllll the glitter and the glitter ONLY and I put blush over the rosacia on my cheeks when wearing foundation bc I don't like how my face looks without all the red lol
#idk how to use a lot of makeup#i hardly ever use foundation lol#i mainly just use eyelid primer and eyeshadow and eyeliner and mascara and blush and highlighter#thats all i know lol#SOMETIMES ill wear a lip stick or something#davekitties rambles
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I love how i have pointless headcanons about gregorys transness because his whole ggy era got twisted around to me thinking about how hes trans and how that might connect with his time glitchtrapped especially since he was referred to with fem terms (in other languages but shhhhh let me have this) and how his recovery period of taking back his life could include reclaiming his gender and hitting that "tboy enough to fuck with gender without being scared of being misgendered" type thing and thats why i find any headcanons of him wearing skirts/makeup/nailpolish or other traditionally feminine things so so so special
#like i think a lot about him being a stranger in his own body#he acts like himself and talks like himself but sometimes just isnt himself#and the way the therapists use fem terms and the discomfort that could bring#but he cant do much because its not him#and he end up not remembering a good chunk of his life#everything has been taken from him#but even before that#he had to cut his own hair and everything and he still didnt get to keep his own fucking name because someone else stood in his place#and pretended to be him#but its not him#and idk how this truly connects to transness but i resonated with it#and i think in his goal to truly heal from everything#it include a massive fuck yo to that rabbit and society#he'll wear skirts and makeup and do what he wants because nobody controls him. not a rabbit and certainly not societys perception of gender#does this make sense#i think abt trans gregory a lot its canon to me#tzu rambles
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wattpad is so crazy because users will leave comments expressing nothing but pure disdain and anger for whatever reason (y/n’s characterization, the decision to include original characters, temporary ships and subplots, etc)…like at a certain point i start to wonder if they realize that no one is forcing them to read anything 😭
#this is mostly about endure actually#that story got way too popular considering how inexperienced i was when i wrote it#it haunts me#but also it was never meant to be read by anyone but my best friend so a lot of things are just random or silly in it for no reason#‘they had makeup remover back then??’#idk but mikasa s1-2 was swinging around in that nyx butter gloss shade 05 crème brulee so shit they sure must’ve!!#also sorry y/n at the ripe age of nine wasn’t down to commit murder w the besties 💔#and that she had a crush on reiner…CRIME PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.#(literally)#there’s several wonderful people on wattpad and i’ve met some of my fav mutuals on there#but the user base overall is the reason i stopped posting on it#anyways sorry for the rant but long story short#i am by no means a perfect author but like. i’m going to write what i write and you can either choose to read it or click away#but there is no need for you put either of us through the strain that comes from leaving comments complaining abt what i choose to write :)#m’s thoughts
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realized moments ago that i'm almost out of my fragrance of choice (the pran fragrance!) and truly like. idk, adulthood is a series of letting yourself use up the things that make you feel good, huh?
#i bought another bottle on sale but idk i'm always just a bit surprised when i use something up until completion#it feels a bit like a milestone--like here's something you chose for yourself and stuck with#and wore every single day for months or years#i guess i just find myself throwing out a lot of half used makeup or creams that i got as gifts and didn't use a lot of#that it's really novel when I /do/ finish something that i chose for myself#yknow?#i felt the same way when i burned through my first candle last year--it was this overpriced giftshop one that i love the scent of#and i loved the scent of it to use it so much#and now as I see the wax of the candles i bought afterward get lower and lower#it feels like another testament to me loving something enough to use it often and regularly#anyway buying that fragrance was truly such a god tier move cause 1) it's so good and#2) it really lets me relate to how feral pat is about the way pran smells
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I haven’t worn a full face of makeup regularly in literal years, and I only wore it twice last year for weddings that I was in. So tell me WHY I just went through everything and while I did manage to throw away like 50% of it, I still was like… well… maybe I should keep this purple eyeliner from 2009 just in case…
#idk! it’s hard! I don’t think I’ll ever wear it again but what if I did?#it’s also hard to think about how much money I wasted on makeup over the years#like it’s so much money. and I know it’s already spent! and keeping things I don’t use doesn’t make it like. worth it#but it feels like throwing money away!#but whatever now that I’ve at least pared it down it will be easier next time I do it#I also REALIZE that makeup does expire#(but idc if it smells fine)#the only things im like. well i NEED that !!!#are my grandmas old lipsticks or my lip balms#I do love a lip balm#I’m just really really bad at getting rid of stuff#but I still did get rid of a lot so that’s something!
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A sketch based on @marshmallowprotection ‘s Cereus au (again) except we’re getting even farther from the source material lol
@suspiciouslybluemilktea talked about how it would be cool if the town was in a area with a very cold winter (don’t ask me about geography I have no idea if the area they’re in has those bc my only point of reference is that one Lucky Luc comic) and if the performers wore fur coats and since I am a degenerate I decided that if they wore more on top they could wear less under it! You can’t stop me
#Em would have a blast with the fur coats#the occasion for some cheesy lines#Unknown? what unknown I only know Cereus#making use of that money to order some fine quality coats from the city for her and Uyu#my art#sketch#digital art#original character#cereus em#fur coat#revealing outfit#?#idk how to tag it once again#since I’m here I’ll ramble#I decided to add some makeup and curl her bangs for a more vintagy look#obviously a lot of it is clearly modern#but I like to sprinkle in some elements#garter belt! obviously#the sexiest old article of clothing (maybe?)#some extra pearls cause she needs to flaunt her shiny stuff
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thinking abt how much my makeup collection has minimized and shrunk down through the years bc for some reason youtube decided to show me some old t*ti w*stbrook videos while on autoplay
#kinda of ashamed of how carried away i was abt it all a few years ago but it was so fun being able to play around and feel like#i can change my vibe so easily either for going out or just playing around in my room. my regret really was that i fell for buying lots of#cheap little things that i wasnt truly happy with vs just sticking to a few quality pieces#bc the thing is that it *all* eventually expires and thinking abt the material waste is so... ugh... esp lipsticks bc once we started needi#to wear masks i just found no point in going through the hassle of making lipstick work with masks + i dont like matte liquid lippies...#and like. i had no real sense of how quickly makeup is used up so i had so much that i could never realistically use before it went bad?? i#idk. now i have a very cozy 'collection' of one eyeshadow palette + two duochromes and like. 1 lipstick 1 liptint and then i dont even have#brow things or complexion stuff? and its very freeing in a sense that it feels even more like playing with paint bc its just the fun colors#im going to wilt away and die if whatever job i get in the future asks for only 'natural' makeup ugh#the most 'natural' i can go with is duochrome liner on a bare face...
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also cuz I was complaining about makeup yesterday, my phone camera kinda smothered the green color in this (and it should be brighter. i will make it brighter.) but yes i did go to Salem for cider on the eve of Halloween Month looking like PSL Barbie, as is my god-given right
#i am probably using this as a wedding look but I'm also probably gonna find a brighter green eye shadow tomorrow#ngl cuz i saw the naked wild west palette yesterday and it is literally my ideal palette and i need a brighter green so#i literally do not own foundation so i get to own nice fun-colored things dont judge me#will say. my skin actually looks nicer in this pic than it is. but the selfie camera does the smoothing thing hence the color smothering#tbh the funniest thing is that i know how to do nice makeup cuz like#a long time ago i noticed my now-trumper cousin's wife always wore interesting two-toned eye makeup to events#and i was like 'I'm gonna reverse engineer that'#and then i did#cuz otherwise i don't wear makeup at ALL i refuse to contour#so it is funny that I'm like 'yes i can do nice eye makeup. no do not ask me to contour i refuse.'#i COULD cuz it's similar in that it's just about high and low lights but#anyway my skin is not great cuz i spent so long putting on so much foundation and it made my skin atrocious and it has never recovered#but it's a LOT better now than it ever was through like. idk a couple of years ago when i finally ditched foundation cold turkey?#this just in: through out your bare essentials kits folks.#you don't need 'em
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(a lot of tmi in the tags, just saying)
#a little vent (that i hope i can phrase well)#idk how to cope with being bi#for most of my life i supposed i like guys bc that was the default but i never had any interest in persuing anyone#letterally my hobbies where the most important thing ever and i didn't need a bf or a gf#then i found out i liked girls and i liked the label lesbian and i didn't havw many problems with it but it was also v lonely#in january of this year i get a crush on a guy and basically many things change and this aforementioned guy disappeared in march and#i'm still heartbroken (i'm basically mourning a relationship that wasn't meant to be in the first place bc of power dynamics)#and now i have a lot of men hitting on me and i hate it (not bc their men but bc of the way they approach) and i'm sex repulsed which is new#and i'm not used to it bc in hs none was interested in me#i just lost weight and now i like doing my hair and makeup#but i'm still the same weird and offputting girl that happens to be also v funny and now pretty#but men don't care about me being funny or other things bc they think with their d*ck (not all men but the men that hit on me)#and in all of this i'm still obsessed with my crush and it's been 8 months and it's probably unhealthy#and i have a lot of other problems not related to sexuality or love life in top of that and they make socializing difficult bc i feel lesser#bc i don't have a degree#what do i do?#emma and her stupid vent
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#DOMT look at this im still documenting my process on being on the fence about possibly getting diagnosed for autism Dont look#just. realizing things#like. i know its fixations on celebrities but sometimes its people i know in person its not that i need to be with them 24/7 i just#i Have to collect information about a particular person at times#Actually. Now that we are on topic of this i remember having that feeling towards smaller internet celebrities on instagram and#smaller youtuberz#and actually going to very great lengths to research as much information on them as possible#plus mimicking their behavior alot. Hm ash i wonder why#DONT LOOOOK#look i used to be like Yea i dont really collect information about things im interested in 👍#and sometimes its awkward when im in a space where autistic ppl r everywhere and tend to show that#they themselves collect lots of information on their interests (yes the mcr fandom)#but. i literally do have a history of this. two times it being internet celebrities/youtubers and once it being on haircare itself.#i remember telling myself i could probably do anyones hair. Anyone. because i know so much about it and the complexities#rn my special interest is makeup of course. but im studying how it can turn into info collecting + on people itself .#idk ldjsjdhdhdhduwodjsofiowdid i know i am hashtag confirmed autistic a year ago but i need a much more deeper understanding of myself ig
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being unsatisfied w/ my default appearance is sooo annoying like. why can’t i just accept that this is literally what i look like
#bella.txt#the thing is i spent all of 2020-2022 pretty much never doing my makeup and rarely doing my hair#and i’m fine with no makeup now like i kinda hate putting it on#but my hair.. idk i just cant ever seen to convince myself it looks good on me 😭#like instead of getting used to how i look by default with a lot of time spent never altering how i look#i jsut basically never want to take photos or be in photos or ever feel like i look ok#i felt better when i cut my hair short but only bc it took less time to manage/fix at that length
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God I cannot wait for the weather to get less cold so I can do doll faceups
#twist rambles#like. i hate how msc (sealant) doesnt work in certain temps like dear god i have so many faceups to do#i have a new doll coming (my grail which ough. so excited starts sniffling and sobbing) and i have a kinda complex faceup planned and i +#need to do the faceup on my new 1/4 doll because my god the face and body do not match lmao. and need to redo the faceup on my big doll and#the teensy little cyclops doll. need to do soooo many faceups and obviously cant do that rn bc im like. stuck on the couch and its cold#outside so im just like 😡😡😡 weather get better soon PLEASE. i have so much work 2 do#rly hope ill do good enough that ill wanna post pics and stuff :) haven't done bjd faceups in years but ive also done a lot of painting on+#ponies so i feel i can handle it. plus ive gotten better w eyeliner and my own makeup in general so i think I'll be able to make it more +#symmetric and stuff bc ough i was bad at that before. my only fear w my new doll is the pastels will not show up bc it has grey resin so im#like ough... might have to just do most of it in acrylics<- guy who does not wanna use acrylic paint bc id have to buy so many colors#the faceup i have planned is rly bright and neon so idk if i did acrylic i could do like glow in the dark paint maybe that could be fun...#hi sorry the tags r rambly im soooo upset i cant rly do anything artsy rn lmao
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watched ten minutes of a video explaining good vs. bad madness archs but it started out with describing one character and why they are confusing to the viewers and how that related to madness and i kept waiting and waiting for some deep point until i realised i (english lit student with a firm grasp on how narratives/character building/tropes etc. work) am definitely NOT the right audience for this vid
#idk that was just a realisation why a lot of these explanation videos feel so hollow to me... yeh i KNOW i WATCHED this#and then i wonder how people who don't have the same amount of experience as i do watch series bc it sounds SO exhausting#always having to actively THINK about motives and artistic choices and what things may mean in the given context#like i GET why 'ugh it can't be that deep' 'they wouldn't do that why would they [use clothes/makeup/mannerisms/requisites]'#'that wasn't explained explicitly in the film/series/play so why should i know that' happen#bc THEN it must be EXHAUSTING and CLOSED OFF trying to understand what happens why in media
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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my heels have been raw for a WEEK now from the flats i wore to my interview last week. i had to go out, get a decent looking outfit JUST for it, had to put on some makeup -i don’t wear makeup-, had to buy a cheap ass pair of dress shoes from walmart to go with it, couldn’t just show up in my old tennis shoes… only to get there and for all the guys i was up against to be wearing jeans and their tennis shoes like they just came from the gym- and MOST of them got the job. every single woman in there was dressed nice, hair done, modest yet professional clothes, PRESENTABLE. and almost every guy was dressed like they just came from a bar. idk.
they tell you not to have blue hair or visible tattoos or piercings “BeCaUsE nO oNe WiLl HiRe YoU!!” and so you never dye your hair like you want to, you dress nice, you put effort into your appearance for this one day, you wear uncomfortable shoes that shred your heels and you have to wear bandaids for the next week, you give your most thoughtful answers to the interview questions, and it still might not be enough. meanwhile Mr Burger Grease Stained Shirt McGee beside you in his beat up sketchers bullshitted all his answers and landed the job
#i shouldnt still be thinking about it. but i just had to change my bandaids AGAIN and my heels dont look like theyre getting better at all#theyre still raw#it was a group interview and the only other lady in there didnt get the job#only a couple guys out of thr entire pool for my time slot were dressed Nice#like not in their every day casual clothes. one guy wore a marble looking maroon suit jacket which i respect the hell out of#he got the job.#but almost everyone else was in casual wear. hell I was the only girl in pants!! business type pants but still#ALL the women were dressed up. only a few of us made it through#a lot more effort was put in on our part. and yet#idk. im not trying to articulate any specific point here. just kinda cant stop thinking#about how none of the guys are having to wear bandaids on their heels for a week#after their 4 hour interview process#i was only in the damn things for 4 hours. from start to the time i already had the job and drug tested it was only ~4 hours#just my life#vent#im not complaining that they got the job…its just the fact that they didnt put half the effort into looking presentable as we did yknow?#why did i have to put concealer on to be taken seriously. why couldnt i have gone in in my old tennis shoes and still gotten the job#because LAST time i went in for the same interview i DIDNT wesr makeup#and i DIDNT wear flats. i went in in my tennis shoes and formal-ish pants and a sweater and didnt get the job#im not saying how i dressed this time is what did get me the job…but i know that i put more effort into looking the part of an interviewee#this time and i did get the job. so idk. did it make a difference? it was the only thing i did different this time so i have to think it did#idk. i guess i just would like to see the same amount of effort put in. either that or dont make ME put in so much effort.#let me show up in MY casual wear and MY comfortable shoes.#idk. my heels hurt and its annoying
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#they were so right peroxide wash on your face is magical and great#tag talk#I feel three times cleaner than normal. which tbf might be because it's been a while since I real long shower but anyway#I feel like I always have to defend myself to my own mind when I buy skincare stuff but like.. we buy other toiletries and don't give a shit#skin is important. and topical skin infections can in fact happen#and like. idk. skincare can be important like nail care and hair care and anything else#just because taking care of your skin has been conflated with buying an entire rack of makeup and other beauty products.#anyway. I continue to learn how to take care of myself#also. once again. being a cna taught me so much about the human body and I've become so much more observant of my own body as a result#being raised the specific flavor of xian that I was. other people's bodies were taboo. so by extension.. mine was too#plus body dysphoria. as a result - massive dissociation. blindness to self. failure to learn about my own functions#I used to think I would use randomly gain weight. it wasn't until 23 yrs old I realized “nah babe that's the bloating that people talk about#I only realized that because a resident had similar stomach fuck up cycles to mine and I was like wait a fucking second...#also. idk. people freak out and think it's gross. but you can genuinely tell a lot by poop. I can tell stress levels. diet. sleep health..#learn all sorts of stuff from paying attention to your body. and it's cool to reconnect with my own skin. learn to get along with myself
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