#idk i usually use the word fatigue to mean when my body is tired

[sneef-to-a-snorf-fight]

ack having one of those adhd days where i cant do stuff i enjoy cuz i want to be productive. but i cant do anything productive cuz im eepy and wanna do stuff i enjoy. and so we scroll tumblr dot com.

[something-tofightfor]

Magnetic; Din’s POV - Part 1 (Chapters 1-2)

Pairing: None.

Word Count: 4,400

Rating: None, really. This is pretty general. Din’s thinking about women, but it’s not graphic in any way. 

Summary: Din’s adjusting to life on Mandalore as the Mand’alor, but his mind is constantly elsewhere. After a year, he receives a transmission from Luke Skywalker that changes everything. 

Author’s note:

Hello friends! As I’ve been writing Magnetic, I’ve realized that I want to take a look at things from Din’s perspective. I’m not sure that I’ll cover everything in the story this way, but there are certain moments (especially ones coming up) that you’ll definitely benefit from being in the man’s head while reading.  These will always come after the corresponding parts of the story, because I want you, as a reader to experience things first ... but I promise, these will make things that happen in the main storyline make more sense.  IDK. Maybe this is dumb. Maybe no one cares ... but I do. And I think that since Din spends so much time in his own head, we should too. 

If you want to be added or removed from my tag list, please let me know - it’s open.

His favorite part of the day was returning to his quarters and locking the door behind him. Even though his schedule wasn’t exactly full, the Mandalorian was usually exhausted by the end of the day - especially when those days extended well into the nighttime hours. And when she’s here? It’s worse. 

 He stood at the foot of his bed, carefully removing his armor piece by piece and stacking it on the shelving that was built into the wall behind him. Working his way down his body - beginning with the pauldrons on his shoulders, the man saved his helmet for last - as he always did - hesitating before removing it, but not because he didn’t want to. Did I forget anything? He sighed, pressing the button on the bottom edge and lifting the beskar from his head, taking two steps and setting it down on the the table next to his pillow without looking down. No. After the reluctant removal on Morak and the no-hesitation answer to Grogu’s silent request on the light cruiser, the man found that taking his helmet off came easier for him both in private and in front of those that had previously seen his face. Though that number was still small enough to count on two hands, it was more people than he’d ever thought would see him for who he was: not the stoic, beskar encased warrior he presented to the galaxy, but the emotional man that he’d pretended didn’t exist for the better part of his life. But it was for the kid. All of it. 

 Undoing the closures on his flight suit, he stepped out of it and tossed it into the bin full of clothing leaning against the wall and raised both arms, stretching. There was no reason for him to spend each day fully armored, but for him, it was as much a habit as reciting the four most important words of his creed had become. This is the Way. 

 The area of Mandalore they occupied wasn’t dangerous, at least in the sense that they had to worry about an attack from others. Despite the fact that there were Mandalorians and residents of the planet’s larger cities that were still sympathetic to the Imperial remnants, no one paid any mind to their small group taking over an outpost hours by ship or speeder from the capital city of Sundari. It was an arrangement that worked for him, but he knew that others in his group were growing tired of the waiting and planning, Bo-Katan included. Mandalorians were few in number, but he’d met many more of them than he ever thought could exist in the months spent on the planet’s surface. Some were like him, keeping their faces covered at all times; a few of them had even been members of the Nevarro covert. Others were like Bo-Katan and Koska and Axe; they’d sworn the Creed but still showed their faces. It was a lot for the man to come to terms with, but as he too had removed his helmet and exposed his face to other living things, he knew that it wasn’t his place to judge the way that they lived their lives. After all, under the beskar, we’re all just … 

 He sighed, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes and then dragging one hand down over his mouth and chin, stroking the short beard he’d allowed to grow. It was new for him, like most things on Mandalore were, but with no worry of unending fighting and constantly chasing bounties, there was no need for him to worry as much about the comfort level of spending long, difficult hours beneath the helmet. He’d let his hair grow, too, the ends curling down and around his ears and against his neck. Even Cara had commented on it the last time she’d visited the planet to update them on Nevarro’s progress, and he hadn’t been able to hold back the quiet laugh or keep the blush from rising to his cheeks at her words - the surprisingly positive reaction to his ‘new look’. Just a man. He sighed. Even though I hate it. 

 In the year since Grogu had left with the Jedi, the Mandalorian had learned many things about himself and about the galaxy, but he was still coming to terms with the way it felt for others to see his reactions to their words. Used to hiding behind the visor, each day was another learning experience for him - but they were also the reason he hadn’t committed to taking the helmet off for good. No one was pressuring him to, and it wasn’t even true that the other Mandalorians needed to see his face to trust him, to believe in him, but he knew that it would have helped. I’m not ready yet. Closing his eyes, he bit down on his lower lip, drawing it into his mouth. For the first few months, he’d dealt with the raging loneliness he felt by hunting more bounties, Karga hesitant but in the end willing to give him more pucks. He’d also found ways to keep busy that had nothing to do with bounties and everything to do with the most basic human needs and desires. 

 He’d spent countless hours in the company of women - other Mandalorians, a Twi’lek that had reminded him too much of Xi’an for him to go through with anything, Morganians, Kiffar, a few human women on Coruscant and Naboo … but none of them filled the empty spaces in his chest or his mind in quite the same way the Child had. They were distractions - nothing more - and even though they sought him out more frequently and warmed up to him more easily when they knew he was the Mand’alor, it still meant nothing to him. Mand’alor. He scoffed at the word, laying back on the bed and folding an arm beneath his head. The word still struck him each time he thought or heard it. It was his title - rightful because of the battle he’d fought and won with Gideon, but still not one that he wanted. But the galaxy - and the Way of the Mandalore didn’t care what a single man wanted. So he dutifully spent each day with the blade clipped to his belt, though he’d only ignited it a few times following the light cruiser and wasn’t comfortable using it. I will be. It will happen. He learned more about the planet and the people and their history, and he spent time with Bo-Katan and her crew, took an active part in the planning for their future. The ultimate goal was to retake Sundari, but that couldn’t happen until they were truly ready, and all corners of the galaxy had been searched for others to join their cause. It was a waiting game, and one thing that the Mandalorian was good at was waiting. 

 He’d waited for his parents to come back and rescue him from the bunker. He’d waited for bounties to show themselves. Waited for the repercussions of rescuing the kid from the Client and the doctor. Waited for the day when his quest came to an end and he reunited Grogu with his kind. 

 But the waiting on Mandalore - for whatever would come next - was truly wearing on Din. Maybe if it was my home, then I … But he sighed, turning his head to the side at the sight of a blinking red light reflecting off of the shining surface of his helmet. Who would leave a message? Din sat up again, reaching for the device on the tabletop and pulling it into his lap. Cara would have tried the ship. I just talked to Bo-Katan. Karga wouldn’t… Frowning into the darkness, he pressed play. There was silence for a few seconds, but then at the sound of the voice coming through the small speaker, the Mandalorian swore under his breath, fatigue all but gone. Skywalker. “”I’m hoping this message reaches you, Mandalorian. This isn’t an update like the others I’ve sent. This is …” There was a long pause and Din heard a slow exhale. “This is different.” Different? Is the kid… “Grogu’s been struggling. Not physically, but … mentally. We - the other Jedi Masters - have talked about it, and agree that he needs to see you again, to spend time with you. It’s been a year since you’ve seen each other, and we… I think that it’ll help him one way or another.” Luke paused again and Din lowered his face into his hands, the tips of his fingers gripping the ends of his hair tightly. This isn’t … he … the kid… I… “And I don’t mean a few days, either. I’m thinking long term. You know how to reach me, Mandalorian. I’ll be waiting.” The transmission cut off there, the light going dark. But Din saw none of it, his eyes closed and hands still in place. Seeing … seeing the kid again? Can I? Should I? He raised his head, looking up and into the darkness. He wanted to; there was no question about it. The seed had been planted - if Luke and the other Jedi thought that Grogu needed time away, time spent with him, who was he to say no? But … He looked around the room, sparsely furnished - barely more welcoming than the sleeping quarters on the Razor Crest or the Razor II - and groaned. Can’t bring the kid here right away, can I? There was too much to consider; Bo-Katan’s plans, Din’s responsibilities, the future of an entire race of people and their planet… but each of those things was no more important to him than the last, especially at the thought of Grogu’s wide eyes looking up at him and his weight settled against the crook of Din’s arm. It’s something to think about, Din admitted to himself as he put the device back onto the table and laid back, the arm back beneath his head. Just to think about it. Like always, it took him long minutes to fall asleep, and when he finally did, his dreams were filled with the sound of Grogu’s quiet coos. --- But upon waking up the following morning, Din realized that no matter how much he wanted to see Grogu in person again, he had to do what was right for the kid. Even if it means… He dressed slowly, pulling on his armor piece by piece, saving the helmet for last again. Once dressed, he sat back on the edge of the bed and picked up the device, turning it over in his hands. I need to do this. Switching it from recording audio to a video reply, the man set the device down, squaring his shoulders and spoke out loud, commanding it to begin recording. 

 “Master Skywalker. My quest was to bring Grogu to his kind, and that’s what I did.” He paused, thankful that his face was hidden, along with the trembling of his upper lip. “When you came and took him from Moff Gideon’s light cruiser, I completed that quest. He was … he is safe with you, with the Jedi. You’ve updated me on his progress, and I thank you for that, but …” His shoulders slumped, and even though he had to fight to get the next words out, he managed. “This is The Way. I don’t want to …dank farrik.” Lowering his helmet toward his chest, he finally continued. “I just want what’s best for the kid. That’s all I …” Say it. You have to say it. “You know how to reach me. I’ll be waiting.” 

 But he hadn’t said what he needed to. 

 It wasn’t an answer - Din knew that. It wasn’t an outright refusal - he knew that, too. But it was an out for Skywalker, proof that the Mandalorian wasn’t as selfish as he felt, as willing to drop everything and fly to wherever he needed to be to see the kid again. But I am. I just needed to… He didn’t give himself a chance to second guess the words he’d spoken, instead typing in the necessary information and sending the transmission. Before the device had beeped to confirm, Din was already heading for the door, needing to face the day and deal with whatever was expected of him, keeping his mind from the device … and any possible response. This is the Way. 

 ---  

 His resolve only lasted until the middle of the night, Din finally returning to his quarters and beginning the ritual of removing the armor from his body. He didn’t even look at the table until it was time to take the helmet off, and he froze at the sight of another blinking light. Skywalker sent a message back. He hesitated then, hand held above the device, and without speaking, Din turned to the shelving on the far wall, his hand digging into the pouch on his belt, fingers curling around the familiar spherical shape there. Did I ruin everything, kid? Is Skywalker going to tell me that the offer isn’t… The metal cool against his palm, Din once again walked the short distance to the bed, keeping the knob held tightly in one hand and grabbing for the comm device with the other. “Only one way to find out.” 

 The quiet of the room gave him the ability to hear each of the Jedi’s words clearly, the man not stumbling over them a single time. Mandalorian. If you’re willing to listen before you make your decision, there’s someone here much more convincing than me. It’ll only take a few minutes, but I know you’ll want to hear it. I don’t know you well, but I know what it sounds like when someone says things that they don’t really believe. It doesn’t even need to be a holo message, just … let me call you. It was simple; Din knew it, and yet he didn’t want to believe that there was still a chance that he’d be reunited with Grogu in the near future. He’d half expected the man’s response to be in agreement; yes, you did what you were supposed to. The kid might miss you, but he really is better here. You’re right. But instead, there’d been a slight note of surprise in the Jedi’s voice, especially as he’d mentioned the other person he wanted Din to talk to. But who could it be? I haven’t … haven’t talked to the kid this whole time. He wouldn’t… But Din didn’t know what the Jedi had planned, and that worried him more than he wanted to admit. But why? He squeezed the ball again and then set it down next to the beskar of his helmet, staring at the two pieces of metal. Before the Razor Crest had been blown up, he hadn’t known that Grogu’s favorite toy was made of the same metal that he wore for protection. He’d assumed it was durasteel, but when he’d unearthed it from the ashes, right alongside the new spear, he’d made the connection. He didn’t know if the kid had been drawn to it because he connected beskar with the man himself, but in the months since he’d last seen the child, the thought comforted Din. At least he has the pendant. Din’s eyes closed, remembering the final moments on the light cruiser’s bridge. Alright, pal. It's time to go. Don't be afraid.  He’d been trying to remain strong for the kid, but Din had also been speaking to himself - and the coercion hadn’t worked. He’d been afraid to lose the child - his child, for good. He’d been afraid of what came next for him and Mandalore. He’d been worried about what it meant to go back to his solo existence, even with the addition of people like Fennec and Cara and Boba Fett - even Peli had crossed his mind then. But mostly, he’d focused on the way it felt to see those huge eyes staring at him until the last possible second. I'll see you again. I promise. For a few seconds - time that stretched out into an eternity, Din had imagined that he could hear the kid speaking back to him. Don’t want to go. But have to. See you again.  They were short, broken sentences, similar to those that children used, but Din later realized that he’d imagined them, because it was what he’d wanted to hear. But if I call him back, I might … The man swallowed hard, reaching for the device before he allowed himself to think about it, and pressed the record button without switching the holo on. “Skywalker. I’ll listen. I don’t …. I don’t know what the time difference is between where I am and where you are, but if you call within the next eight hours, I’ll answer. Otherwise … we’ll need to figure something else out.” He sighed, running a hand over the back of his head. “I’ll … as long as it’s not the kid you want me to talk to, I’ll listen.” He repeated the direct connection procedure for the device and then sent the message, keeping it switched on while he picked up the ball and laid back, head against the pillow. Din was nervous, but with the message sent, he was calmer than he had been the entire day, and it gave him a chance to think back to the time he’d spent with Bo-Katan and Koska, the women talking excitedly about a small clan that had made contact, and what it meant. He agreed that the more Mandalorians they knew to exist, the better. 

 He hadn’t heard from all of the members of the Covert, but surprisingly, many of them had survived Gideon’s attack on Nevarro and the breach of their underground sanctuary. Paz was alive, as was the Armorer. Many of the foundlings were accounted for - and that was something that brought Din relief beyond words. This was true not only as the Mand’alor, but as someone that had lived and learned side by side with them. They’d lost a great deal of beskar in abandoning the tunnels, but Din had it on good authority that the pieces that had been recovered were slowly being removed from Nevarro a few at a time, transported to the Armorer’s new forge location in secret. She wasn’t the only one skilled with the metal, but she was the only one Din trusted, and as angry as that seemed to make Bo-Katan, he refused to budge on who he allowed to touch the precious metal. It’s the right call. I… know where it is, and I know that she can’t… use it against me. 

 The woman hadn’t given him any outright reason to mistrust her, but her attitude toward him since he’d shown up with the Moff and Darksaber in tow had made him pause. Din’s circle of trust was small, and though she’d proven helpful, she hadn’t quite worked her way into it in the months they’d known each other. It bothered her much more than it bothered him, but he tried not to think about it. Especially when I could be … thinking about the kid. Din’s thoughts went to Grogu and Skywalker, the child’s reaction to seeing the droid that the man had with him, the way the doors closing behind the two of them had felt like someone was squeezing his chest, while at the same time, there’d be a small kernel of hope buried there. He’d kept it buried but hadn’t let it die, and with each report from the Jedi, the pressure had decreased slightly. He’s doing well, or … he was. He’s learning, he’s with his own … But Din’s thoughts were interrupted with the insistent beeping of the device, and he shot up in the bed, fingers still closed around the beskar sphere. He hadn’t expected the reply to come so soon, but knowing that the Jedi was on the other end of the line, he was more excited than nervous. Just want to know what … what he has to say. Din took a deep breath, making sure that the video switch was still off and then answered the call, taking another long, slow breath to calm himself. They’re too many parsecs away, there’s nothing to be worried about. 

 “Hello? Are -” The Jedi replied, and Din continued, wanting to get the conversation going before he had time to overthink it. “I didn’t think you’d call. I wasn’t -” But Skywalker spoke quickly, too, no pretense before reminding him that he had someone for the Mandalorian to talk to. However, at the revelation that that someone was female, Din felt his eyes narrow, head cocking to one side. What? He was determined to begin the conversation in control, and so without hesitation, he focused his eyes on the comm device, slipping into the voice he used with the people he was trying to get information from. “Tell me your name.” The first time he heard your voice - even though it was through a tiny speaker - Din was surprised by confidence in it, the way you replied back to him immediately. You answered his questions with honesty, at least as far as he could tell, and the longer the conversation went on, the more certain Din was that Skywalker knew him better than he’d thought. The kid… the kid probably… they must talk too. He smiled at the thought, absently scratching the cheek that Grogu had laid his hand on, but when you revealed that the kid snuck into your room at night, the Mandalorian had to put a hand over his mouth to keep from reacting audibly. Dank farrik. “I thought he had to complete his training before he leaves the Academy, before he can become a Jedi, so why are you -” You didn’t get to answer that, Skywalker interjecting with similar words to the ones from his initial transmission, and Din began thinking. He wanted to agree to seeing the kid, but instead of saying that, he heard another denial leaving his lips, only cut off by your words. “If he stays here, his attachment to you might change his life, Mandalorian.” It was another simple, straightforward sentence, but hearing it, another joly passed through Din’s body. Skywalker said something about attachment on the light cruiser. So did Ahsoka on Corvus. Din knew that they were attached to each other, that was more about simply caring for the kid, but hearing someone else - someone that had spent just as much time with Grogu as Din had saying the same thing finally got through to him. That, compounded with the admission that Grogo reenacted bounty hunts with you and the others at the Academy often had Din’s lips pressed tightly together, almost to the point of pain. He misses me. He thinks of me. But what really impacted him was hearing the word aliit come through the speaker, reaching his ears in your voice. She shouldn’t know Mando’a. Hearing that, it… Instead of replying directly to that, Din voiced another denial, head shaking back and forth and eyes squeezing shut. Seeing him would be … But with the rounded sphere still in his hand, Din’s eyes opened, brow furrowed. No, you know what? I want this. Why shouldn’t I? 

 If he’d thought about it, there were multiple reasons why reconnecting with Grogu was a bad idea, but he could only turn the Jedi - and you - down so many times before it became impossible - or, even worse, the refusals were accepted. There’s no one chasing him right now. There’s no more danger than usual for me. There’s… 

 Din blinked again at the revelation that the reunion could last months, asking who’d be escorting Grogu back to the Mandalorian, and another surprised huff left his lips as you admitted that it would be you. But that means… “Are you a Jedi?” He asked the question before he could stop himself, listening intently for your answer, and the following explanation.

She’s not a Jedi, but she does care about the kid. I … I hear it. I believe it. That surprised him, but Din didn’t want to second guess you. You’d been persuasive throughout the conversation, even before the admissions you’d made, honest instead of trying to pretend that you were something that you weren’t. Complicated? I wonder what … Instead of continuing that thought, Din’s attention snapped back to you and Skywalker, the details falling into place as the discussion continued. He’d have a week to get things in order, to contact Cara and Karga, arranging the arrival on Nevarro. He’d need at least a few days to convince Bo-Katan that leaving Mandalore for months was the right call. It is. He was still speaking to you and the Jedi, but Din’s mind was on everything that he needed to do to get ready to leave. I’ll need to start in the morning. The conversation wound down, and as Din reminded you that you’d need to be ready to leave and meet him in a week, you sighed, the sound loud, even through the speaker. “That’s fine, Mandalorian. More than fine.” You were being short with him, but it didn’t seem to because you wanted to be; you were doing what was best for the situation. She’s leaving her life there to come … here with him. He blinked, telling you that he looked forward to Nevarro, and then the conversation ended, the room going quiet. 

 His thoughts were on Grogu - whether or not he’d grown out of his robe, if he was speaking yet, if he was more confident with his power - but they were also on the trip itself, and on the fact that once again, he’d be going from being alone to having others with him. And this time, it’s not … short term. 

 It was longer than he’d ever hoped for, he realized as he lifted to sphere up and over his face, the smooth surface gleaming as the filtered moonlight coming in through the window hit it. I’ll finally get to give this back. He smiled at the thought, and for the first time in the year that he’d been separated from Grogu, Din fell asleep quickly, no dreams of the kid peering over the Jedi’s shoulder keeping him awake. 

---

Magnetic/Din Djarin Tag List:

@the-blind-assassin-12 @pheedraws @alraedesigns @malionnes @deceiverofgodss @thisisparadisemylove @siegfriedkingsglaive @valkblue @hehe-oof @jynrumbly @psychedelic-star  @nuttyenthusiastdetective @gingib @bitchylittleredhead @littlemissoblivious @misguidedandbeguiled @cannedsoupsucks

[superworldunkown]

SAY WHA??: Prologue

AN: Fun fact about me, I am a runner. So you bet your booty when that MHA ‘He will Meet the Three Musketeers’ teaser image came out, ya girl took that and RAN with it. Right into headcanon territory. I tired to use as much as I know from reading the manga, so there are spoilers of the War Arc/Dabi reveal/My Lady My Queen Midnight/Bakugou rising (aka finally showing some signs of positive emotional intelligence growth)/etc. I will also be mixing in my own OCs and thoughts on the meaning behind the WHA patches on their uniforms and what happens during this moving. And yes, Bakugou will be about that melanin. I’ll try to post every two weeks but…I am TERRIBLE at timeframes. Also, IDK what to call this, so right now it’s “Say WHA?” lol

Anyways, enjoy BBs.

Chapter 1: The Aftermath is only the beginning

Bakugou should have never jumped in front of Deku. Yes, he said it. And no, it wasn’t about the heroic act in itself or the public admittance that he does give a shit (albeit tiny shit) about that Damn Nerd. It was the fact that now, in the midst of the aftermath, everyone was looking for a hero. And, for some reason, everyone was looking at him.

The three weeks after The War with the Paranormal Liberation Army was nothing short of a blur. After intense healing and barely out of his stiches, he, Deku and Todoroki were immediately thrown into the media spotlight only to quickly be yanked back into the dark by All Might and the Hero Commission. There was so much to answer for, but no one seemed to know what to say. The Hero Comission went to work on damage control, class was suspended. Bakugou just focused on getting full mobility back to his arm. He didn’t want to think about anything else or unpack any emotions. But, swallowing his emotions was becoming more difficult with each passing day.

Everyone was clinging onto him. At Midnight’s funeral, Kirishima cried into his shoulder. Bakugou stayed silent, just letting it happen. After all, Kirishima, Mina, and Momo were the first ones that found their teacher lying breathless on the battlefield. Even if Bakugou couldn’t form the words to console his friend, the least he could do was be the strong shoulder to cry on. Even though he was breaking on the inside.

Then, of course, Deku. Despite the insane amount of growth and power his childhood friend had acquired in their first year at U.A, he was still a self-shaming masochist in the making (much like the explosion hero himself). Deku went into a week long shame spiral, blaming every death on his lack of ability to take down Shigaraki and his weakness for seeing someone that still needed saving.

He too broke down in front of Bakugou, blaming himself for the scars that graced the blond boy’s chest and shoulder. “I should have been stronger. I should have been able to save and win. I didn’t do either. I can’t make this power my own when I can’t even save the people I care about-“

Despite the emotional growth Bakugou had undertaken, he was still Bakugou. But instead of outright knocking Deku into a wall he merely shoved the boy so hard he fell back in a chair and snarled, “I’d beat your ass right now but somehow I’d think you’d enjoy that. Blame yourself for any of this in front of me again and I’ll blow your ass up so fast they’ll find pieces of you in different time zones.” Yeah, he still needed to work on his bedside manner.

Todoroki was another story. The boy hadn’t said a word, a single word in three weeks. He made himself scarce, stayed in his dorm despite everyone being ushered home to be with their families. Who could blame him? The media was in a frenzy over the reveal of Toya Todoroki and the public announcement of his father’s crimes and abuse. Todoroki didn’t even attend Midnight’s funeral. Bakugou wasn’t sure if it was Todoroki’s decision not to draw attention to the sensitive matter, or the Hero Commission. Bakugou was really starting to hate the Hero Commission.

They were protecting Endeavor with all the power and influence they had, but leaving Todoroki to defend himself.

Bastards.  

Both Deku and Bakugou had tried, in their own ways to engage their Icy Hot friend, but it was no use. Deku tried inviting him to his mother’s to stay over, ecen offering cold soba for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Todoroki never responded to the message.

Bakugou, in true Bakugou fashion, tried kicking down his door and challenging him to a fight, only to find a giant wall of sharp icicles dangerously close to his body. After blasting them for 10 minutes, he got the hint and left him be.

There was so much to cleanup between the three of them. They were all broken in their own ways. But, as much as time stood still at certain moments, things began to move on and forward. 

And now, here they all were, standing on a runway at the early hours of the morning for a new mission that none of them had any idea about.

“The Hero committee thanks you three for your assistance with this rather important mission.” The president spoke. She dressed in all black, looking extra serious. And in Bakugou’s mind, evil as shit.

“Yeah, you didn’t give us much of a choice,” Bakugou grumbled while clutching the handle of his suitcase.

“We’re happy to be of assistance,” Midoriya answered, “But, um, can I ask where we’re going?”

“Due to the recent events and,” The president treaded carefully, “unforeseen revelations….The Hero Committee has partnered with international hero departments across the globe to form a united front against villains from all nations. We have formed the WHA. The World Hero Alliance. With a focus on the heroes of the future each Hero Commission has selected their brightest and bravest hero’s to represent Japan’s hero effort.”

Bakugou looked at Todoroki, who was currently staring at the ground, and then to Midoriya before speaking, “So you’re sending us? What are we, show horses or something?! I thought we were going to kick some ass!”

“I couldn’t agree more.” The president’s response caused Bakugou’s eyes to raise slightly, “You three were not at the top of our list. However you were personally recommended by All Might himself and we owe him quite the debt for his commitment to the cleanup the past few weeks.”

“Sorry I’m late everyone.” All Might’s voice cut through the rather thick air. The skinny man dressed in his usual oversize suit, the darkness around his eyes looking extra black and fatigued. All Might had been spending every waking moment on all the news channels reassuring the public of their faith in heroes and in Endeavour, the still number 1 hero.

“Young Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoro-“

“Shouto. Just Shouto.”

Damn, he finally speaks! And those three words managed to hit All Might, and Deku, and Bakugou with such force you would think he himself had inherited One for All.

“Right uh…Shoto. I’m so glad you all could make it. You all have your passports, licenses, and everything? Don’t worry about your hero costumes, I had some new ones created for you all to wear during the events.”

“Can anyone explain where the hell we’re going and what the fuck we’re doing?!” Damn, someone had to say it.

All Might let out a small laugh, “We’re headed to the first Annual World Hero Alliance in The United States. Los Angeles to be exact.”

“The…The… THE UNITED STATES?!” It was like the sadness washed out of Deku, revealing the eager, bright eyed hero student, and complete fanboy, “Where you became a hero?!”

“That’s right, kid. I’ll explain everything on the jet.”

Midoriya was already rushing up the flight stairs, leaving Bakugou and Shouto on the runway. Bakugou didn’t know what to do. He could tell Icy Hot was a hot mess of emotion, despite his emotionless demeanor. His natural instinct was to shake/threaten/beat the sadness out of his classmate, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t be effective.

“I know why you’re looking at me like that.” Shouto spoke, his eyes facing forward to the jet, “And no, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. Let’s just…get this this stupid mission over with.” With that he walked forward and boarded the jet.

Fuck. Bakugou secretly hopped the WHA, or whatever it was called would get overrun by villains, as most of their missions/trips do. At least he would have someone to blast into smithereens that deserved it.

 AN: Alright. Just a teaser here.  I’m so excited to introduce you to The 3 aspiring heroes of The United States in the next chapter. My OCs. I can’t reveal much yet (honestly, I’m still test driving hero names). But, so excited regardless. I’ll post the next chapter by in the coming days.

[aqvarius]

Masquerade Kiss: Do Bad Girls Like to Self-pleasure? Kazuomi Shido - otona love - chapter 5 summary/translation

this is the cutest, fluffiest chapter that we get before all the steamy stuff begins. sorry it’s coming a bit later than usual, i was super tired and decided to sleep and finish it the next day. basically this entire chapter is just a conversation between you and kazuomi which is both great and terrible for me because my dialogue translations are so boring, but i think the content of this chapter is cute and sweet enough that i hope it’ll satisfy you.

the chapter begins with a quick recap of what just happened at the end of chapter 4 which you can read here, or check out my translations page to read from the start. kazuomi is hugging you from behind and you start to speak, telling him that he’s been so busy lately and you didn’t want him to overdo it, so you didn’t let yourself get “tired out” to your full capacity. 

“you were thinking about such a thing?”

“because... i haven’t been able to contact you recently,” you say. “when i turn on the tv, there’s nothing but news about you. it’s not bad news, but it’s all you.”

“it’s like that whenever there’s a new resort project,” kazu explains. “the mass media follows me.”

“that’s because it’s your specialty,” you say. you thought that he would be tired from being so busy, but that might not be the case. 

kazuomi thinks that as you said, this degree of busyness is nothing new. however, it’s also true that he was tired without realising it. 

“i never thought you’d take a whole day off for my sake like this,” you say. “all the more, i wanted you to relax” 

you: “today, i wanted to restfully spend time doing nothing”

meanwhile, kazuomi had thought you wanted to spend a more concentrated* day together. 

*濃い - i’m not really sure how else to translate this but it’s a word that’s used to mean when something is deeper/darker (in colour), denser/stronger or thicker/richer (as in a more concentrated soup/sauce). i previously used “enriching” but essentially i think kazuomi means a day that’s more busy or packed with activities/events. 

“that’s why you just snuggled up without doing anything, huh”

“hm...? in other words, you did “that” at that time because you were concerned about me?”

“at that time? what are you talking about?” you ask.

“the energy that i use to embrace you runs on a different tank**. don’t worry about me getting tired”

**this is kind of paraphrasing but basically what he is saying is that the physical strength he uses to have sex with you is a separate issue. 

at first you stare at him, mystified, as you turn around. suddenly, you leap out of his arms to a good distance away. 

“what’s wrong?”

(come on kazuomi don’t do this, you know exactly what’s wrong lmao)

you: “wha...!? eh? i-it can’t be...”

kazu says it seems like you were feeling it on your own without him (as in feeling [good], not literally feeling yourself up). 

“that face you have when you’re feeling good... if i can, i’d like the satisfaction of making you make it in my arms”

(lskdf sorry i tried 5 times to phrase this in a way that captures even a little bit of how suave kazuomi is but i just can’t because there are so many parts to that sentence lol)

your face turns red with a vigour that kazuomi has never seen before. 

you: “ah, ummm, that’s....!”

“it’s not like you need to hide it. it’s my responsibility that i couldn’t satisfy you”

“...or so i thought... but it seems like i was mistaken”

 you stutter some more and then say, “that morning, i thought i was going to tire you out again...”

“i mean... did you see it!?” you ask.

kazuomi explains that he was going to call out to you to take a shower with him.

“you just be joking...! i don’t believe it!” you exclaim. “i-in the first place, you shouldn’t...!” 

“considerably agitated, mc is completely flustered.”

“what, is it my fault after all?”

you: “you’re, you... you”

you: “...you do it well...” (😔)

btw i’m only posting these particular screenshots bc it’s hysterical to me how incoherent she is

this is another answer outside of his expectations, and his head tilts. 

you: “...i couldn’t forget your fingers... even after waking up, my body... that is...”

“i see. you wanted me”

you: “...i would have been fine if you weren’t in front of me though”

you: “that is... no matter what, i was horny***...”

***this word also means in agony/anguished but i looked it up and it’s also slang for horny, thanks weblio for helping me yet again lmao

"now that you mention it, i thought you kept looking this way that time,” kazuomi thinks. “it seems as though the thing i was curious about [that caused her to keep looking my way that morning] was my fingers that had pleasured her the night before”

“what’s that about. you should have just told me honestly”

(not sure how to translate the tone when he says “なんだ” here but i hope you get it)

 “if it’s what you desire, can’t i provide you with as much satisfaction you as much as you like?”

“didn’t i just say... i didn’t want you to get tired?” you say. “if i said the word, you would definitely indulge my every selfish whim no matter the situation”

“it’s my pleasure” 

(like the present tense version of “that would be my pleasure”. ugha;slkfjds kazu loves spoiling his mc so much. this is literally the best version of him and we are so blessed to see it)

 kazuomi explains that it’s the only time that you can “melt” since you can't leave any gaps open during your usual work (melt here meaning like be ravished/in [sexual] ecstasy). i’m not sure if he’s referring to the busyness of her job or the fact that she’s always playing a tightly controlled persona, but likely the latter. 

“don’t you think that seeing that face would blow away the fatigue of my work?”

you: “no way... you would never think of such a sentimental thing” 

(lmao girl if only you could see his internal dialogue like we can!!)

“heh, i would never? well, that’s been the case so far”

“but i would say... you’re special?”

he captures you, who had escaped, again and hugs you tightly from behind. 

you: “shido...?”

“do you love**** me that much?”

****he actually says “like” but voltage tends to translate this as love, although it’s not as heavy/deep as 愛してる which is super serious

“how did you get that from this situation?” you reply. 

after wriggling a little in his arms, you quickly become docile. 

you: “...i love you”

kazuomi: “yeah. i know”

same thing with the like/love as above. you also say it in kind of a slightly petulant way. 

ALSO i’m here to interrupt because can you BELIEVE shido “worried about this for days and gave his friends all the sordid details and planned the most uncharacteristic day off because he was worried he wasn’t enough for you” kazuomi had the AUDACITY to just han solo you like that????

“i know that you know, but... i love you,” you say. 

“...i see. you wanted me so much that you couldn’t be settled until you took care of yourself”

“but still, you worried about me and didn’t say anything...”

“...i’m glad,” kazuomi says. 

“my love was properly transmitted to you”

(🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 BEST BOY KAZUOMI)

you: “about that... isn’t it obvious?”

“to say that it’s not conveyed that i’m being loved that much, i’m not obtuse” (i think this is what she’s trying to say, basically that she can feel that his love for her is being communicated properly?)

“that’s right. you’re that kind of a woman”

kazuomi thinks that you’re always a step ahead of his thoughts, saying things that show how much you understand him. 

“there’s no way such a woman couldn’t receive my love.”

“could it be that you thought i did ... something like that because i wasn’t satisfied with you?” you ask.

kazuomi replies that that would be the ordinary train of thought, adding that while he’s still on the topic, he thinks there’s still something you’re not satisfied with. 

you tell him you’ve accepted his feelings with all of your might, you’re not dissatisfied... 

“but that wasn’t the case at that time, right?” questions kazuomi. 

you turn in his direction, and he looks down into your face. you cast your eyes down, embarrassed. he tries to catch your gaze and you look down further.

you: “asshole*****...”

*****other options i was playing with were “meanie” or “jerk” but they didn’t have the right feel. imagine her calling him a knobhead tho. 

“i want to make all your wishes come true”

“it’s a foul to not have concern [for your partner]. in that case, i’d have to do the same thing” 

basically he’s saying since you were so concerned about me, i’m going to have to return the favour. look at him, making it out like it’s a game of equals when he’s really just a fool in love...

“the same thing... meaning...” you say. 

“if you won’t get tired, i’ll embrace you as much as you like”

i’m trying to keep the sentences quite concise but he’s basically saying if you’re still not worn out (from the copious amounts of lovemaking) and want more, he’ll have sex with you as many times as you want. in case you didn’t already know, often when you see mcs get flustered bc their love interest talks about “holding/embracing” them, it’s because the same word can be used to mean sleeping/having sex with.

“but... i always want to [make] love [to] you”

..........!

(he’s saying no matter when, he always wants to love you, which in this case means “make love to” but i guess can maybe also be read in the emotional sense? idk we all know kazu is secretly a huge romantic)

finally, you raise your face. kazuomi doesn’t miss the heat flaring in your eyes when you see his expression. 

you: “in that case... i... want you to hold***** me”

*****same situation re: the hold/embrace thing. she’s saying “then have sex with me” lmao.

also lkajsflks i’m crying bc kazuomi will give you anything you ever wished for (and probably delights in being able to provide it), you just have to dare to ask him

“okay”

kazuomi is giving off an aura that he thinks would make you pull back if you were on mission (i think this is what it’s trying to say lol but not 100%), but at times like this, you always get embarrassed and show a shy and troubled face. 

“the one who lights my fire is always “you””

basically he’s talking about the true you, not arisa. alksdfj kazuomi is so in love i can’t BEAR IT

“whether you’re being bold or honest, or even when we’re bargaining******...”

“i’m in trouble because of how fascinated i am by all of it.”

******he’s talking about all the bets and negotiations and challenges and banter between you two. actually there’s a lot more i want to explain here. i chose to use “bold”, but it also refers to when you’re being audacious (like if you’re cheekily talking back to him). honest in this case also means frank/straightforward (about your feelings), but can also imply docility/obedience. essentially the two have very different (almost contrary) vibes. 

--

that’s it for chapter 5! hope you are keeping your teeth brushed to prevent all the cavities this chapter will inevitably give you. i’m floored by how much of a lovestruck fool kazuomi is. maybe it’s just the poor quality of my translations even though i tried somewhat to preserve some tone in cases where i felt it really needed it, but i feel like his internal dialogue here is a lot sweeter and straightforward than his external dialogue? i’m glad they sorted out the misunderstanding though, and how sweet of his mc to be so concerned about his health. i love seeing them be all cheesy for each other but sometimes disguising it as banter because let’s be real, both of them are total love virgins and don’t know how to just straightforwardly talk about the true depth of their affections for each other.

in the next chapter, kazuomi returns the favour, things get reaaaal smutty, and i get a headache from trying to understand sexual euphemisms. please let me know what you thought of this chapter!

i’ve set up a ko-fi page here and would be incredibly grateful if you would like to support me for translations and being able to purchase more routes to recap in english!

click here for chapter 6

[lallemcnt]

go ahead and watch my heart burn (part four)

“When you look at him you see dark night opening, giving way to dawn.”

— Ibn Said al-Maghribi

-

“Talk to me.”

“You shouldn’t have to reassure me all the fucking time! I’m so sick of my brain and how messed up I am!”

“You’re not messed up, Lucas.”

Lucas is perched on the arm of Eliott’s sofa, head bowed and arms shielding his body. Eliott sits on the edge of the sofa at its other end, the exasperated expression on his face mirroring Lucas’ voice. The distance between them, a sofa separating them, feels like miles upon miles, an impossible space to close. Lucas understands his frustration, he even feels sorry for him, sorry that he has to deal with Lucas when he gets like this: frustrated and insecure, when Eliott hasn’t done anything to incite these feelings, when he has been nothing but understanding, nothing but absolutely caring, nothing but a flame in the dark on the days when Lucas’ anxiety has been particularly debilitating.

He knew this was going to happen, that he would mess it up, he just didn’t know he would only have a month of being with Eliott before it all blew up in his face. Abruptly, the frustration drains from him and he is tired. He moves towards the door, stuffing his feet in his trainers and pulling on his jacket. Eliott gets to his feet, following Lucas to the door, asking in a beseeching voice, “You can’t just leave, we need to talk.”

Lucas doesn’t turn around to address him, simply opens the front door and lets out a quiet: “Let me go” before shutting the door behind him and trudging down the stairs into a chilly late summer day. His shoulders instantly hunch up and he’s blowing hot air into his hands for warmth, not sure where he’s going exactly. Going, he scoffs to himself, more like running, like the coward you are. But the knowledge of his cowardice is not enough to make him go back to Eliott and explain.

Lucas recalls a conversation they had a few days after he told Eliott about his father. When Eliott asked Lucas about his anxiety and how it affected him. He didn’t push Lucas to speak about it or set up some kind of intervention. They had been watching reruns of shitty TV at Eliott’s, as usual, eating popcorn and drinking some kind of nasty-ass beer Lucas has brought over when Eliott had asked him:

“I- Can I ask you questions about your anxiety? I’ve been reading up on it and I know I’ll need to do more, but would you…would you mind that? Because I know it is different for everyone.” His voice was tentative, his hands clenched around his beer bottle as if he was scared he had crossed an unspoken line, entering into unknown territory.

It was completely out of the blue. Lucas wondered if this had been on Eliott’s mind the entire evening, he, himself, felt slightly uncomfortable and nervous, because talking about it never ended well, it only ever crushed his mood, his soul, leaving him disappointed. However, he knew, in his heart, that if this thing between them had any chance of survival Eliott had the prerogative to know, to decide for himself if Lucas was worth all the work, and to make this decision he needed all the facts.

Turning down the volume on the TV, Lucas had shifted to face Eliott, because he could be strong. Hadn’t all his years of quiet survival proven that? He could look Eliott in the eye when he inevitably concluded that it was all too much. That Lucas was not worth it.

“You need to understand that you can’t fix me, okay? I’m always going to be dealing with this and I want you to know that I won’t blame you or hate you if you decide to leave, okay? It is a lot. I know,” Pausing for breath, Lucas had taken a swig of his drink before continuing. “Sometimes I’ll get irritable for no reason, at myself and at you. I’ll be snippy. I won’t want to talk to you. When we’ve planned to go to a party or out for dinner, when the day comes round the thought of going may make me feel physically sick and I won’t want to go because I’m terrified of meeting new people or being left alone at a party with nothing to do or no one to talk to. Sometimes I’ll put off doing things and stay home for days because the idea is a lot more peaceful, comfortable and safe than going out.

“And you have to know, it won’t be your fault. I just need space sometimes. There’s something else, too. It’s hard to explain why…there are times when I think it’s because of my father, but I can be touch averse too, casual touches will annoy me and turn my mood sour. I used to be this really affectionate kid, and I still crave touch, but I also hate it at times.”

Eliott nodded thoughtfully along as Lucas spoke; being given the opportunity to explain how he feels and be heard was everything. Everything and more. More than he ever imagined he would be lucky enough to experience.

He doesn’t even know how this afternoon’s argument got heated so quickly, but when he reaches that level of frustration he can’t be talked down, no placating words can calm him, and Eliott contradicting him, telling him he wasn’t messed up made him more angry, and Lucas also knew that while his head was telling him to yell and slam the door and tell Eliott that he will never understand, that he doesn’t get it, that this will never work between them, his heart was whispering for him to get out of there, to cool off, before he said something he would regret.

He knew why Eliott was frustrated, Lucas had been closed off for the past week, refusing to confide in Eliott who had asked him several times what was going on. He was clueless, unsure if he was the problem. Lucas could have easily reassured him that it wasn’t him, but he was feeling mean and bitter. Communication. The age-old issue that tore couples apart on the daily. He knew Eliott would be struggling to understand if the issue was anxiety-related or if Lucas was just being an asshole, which he was want to be every now and then, but that only made Lucas more irate.

Walking along the Seine, Lucas kicks out at a rock and then another, physically exercising his annoyance. The thing was, deep down is wasn’t just anger he felt, it was fear and shock and insurmountable shame, and even the thought of explaining this to Eliott- it is enough to make him sink down on a bench in fatigue, because hasn’t he told enough secrets for once? Hasn’t even opened himself up to pain over and over again these last few weeks? So, seeing what Lucas saw in conjunction with someone else being worried about you and constantly asking if you are okay when you most definitely are not is too much. To be worrying about someone else’s feelings when you are consumed by your own mounting despair is enough emotional grievance to knock you out for a lifetime.

Today at 13:15

Le gang

yann: my dudes who’s up for a night of gaming at mine? bazzz: HELL YES I’M IN arthur: idk i’ve got this huge essay to get done by tomorrow arthur: and i haven’t started yet bazzz: yikes arthur: lucas!!!!!! have u done it yet?? bazzz: come on we haven’t hung out in ages bazzz: are you’ll really choosing work over spending time with ME?! yann: i have bEER arthur: bold of you to assume i’d bunk of uni work for beer bazzz: we’ve got arthur! yann: lulu! where u at? arthur: lulu! bazzz: lulu!

Lucas clicks off the chat, puts it on silent and pulls up Manon’s.

Today at 13:27

Manon

lucas: hey u around? Manon: hey!! Manon: yeah i am Manon: what are you thinking? lucas: ummm wanna go for a walk? Manon: i’d love to

After deciding where to meet, Lucas begins to stroll across one of the many bridges that cross the river. In an attempt to clear his mind of Eliott and their argument, he marvels at the beauty of his city, at all the history that these old and ornate buildings must contain; the grey water washing by them, dividing banks and creating islands. He walks by children already wrapped up in coats and hats but licking away at vanilla ice-creams. There are two men in suits locked in a heated exchange, jaws tight and eyes narrowed. A couple up ahead leans against the side of the bridge, entangled in each other’s arms, blonde hair whipping against their faces: Lucas looks away quickly at the surge in his chest. And just beyond them, he spots a red pea-coat: Manon. Dressed in woolly tights, her brown hair tied in a loose braid, she clutches a paperback book in one hand, her elbows rest on the off-white arm of the bridge, discoloured by the grim of urban life.

When they meet, Lucas falls into her outstretched arms as though this place, here, is a refuge amidst a storming sea. He doesn’t cry, but he remains there for a while. If Lucas had to describe Manon he would wax poetic about her. She’s closer to a sister to him than a friend, but then who ever said a person couldn’t be both to you?

Drawing away from each other, they smile and return to look over the bridge where Manon rests her  book. Lucas observes the cover and the authors name as recognition hits and he’s turning back to Manon, incredulously, as he exclaims, “No way! What the hell? Is that the last book?”

Manon is grinning and holding it up to Lucas’ face. “Yep! Had to pre-order it and everything. Just went to pick it up from the shop, actually.”

“I can’t believe it. We waited, what, five years for it and now it’s actually here? Fuck.”

When they were twelve, there was this fantasy book series everyone was reading about magicians and vampires, empires falling and rising, quests for lost artefacts and stolen celestial swords. Suffice it to say, Lucas and Manon were obsessed; they would queue up outside the bookstore for midnight releases with Manon’s older brother and parents, they would have reading parties together on weekends, but it was also one of those series where the last book kept getting pushed back until it’s release seemed a fallacy, but after seven years, the final book was out.

Lucas grabbed the book proffered to him and scanned the cover and back, flipping the book open like a fan. The smell of newly printed pages ready to be devoured and loved was an inexplicable bliss. He placed it in reach of Manon whose back was against the bridge’s sides and face directed towards Lucas, her blue gaze is searching. He pretends to be interested in the boats disappearing beneath him, but he’s forgotten Manon can out-wait him, she has the patience of a saint. What’s more is she has always thought of Lucas as a younger brother despite their birthdays only between two weeks apart — one week, six days, two hours and 19 minutes exactly if you ask Lucas — making her infinitely more willing to spend minutes, hours in silence until he is ready to open up or can’t stand the silence so he fills it meaningless words which eventually unwinds into the deeper stuff, because Manon makes the time to be there for everyone she holds dear. Lucas is one of those lucky people, he knows that.

In this way, while the wind insists on dispelling summer in favour of autumn, as Manon waits out Lucas and the sky grows grey in alliance with the wind and the Seine leads its placid journey, winding around the city, Lucas voices what has got him all twisted up inside for the past week, the catalyst for this argument with Eliott.

“I think I saw my father last week. At uni.”

This shocks Manon. Although he isn’t directly looking at here, out of the corner of his eye he sees her blanch at his words, she turns around, standing beside him as though in solidarity, as if she would be able to protect him from what has already happened. His heart clenches at this.

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

Bringing his hand up to chew his thumb nail, Lucas shrugs, which is ridiculous because he knows how he feels, he’s been sinking in this tumult of negativity for seven fucking days.

“You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go up to him. I wanted to look him dead in the eyes and see if he would even recognise me, to ask him how he could do what he did and claim it was love? How you can do that to someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally? What did I do exactly to make him hate me so much? What did I do? I want to know so I never do it again, so I don’t provoke that kind of behaviour-”

“Listen to me, Lucas. No,” Manon is shaking her head and holding Lucas own between her hands so he is forced to look at her while she speaks. “You did not provoke anything, you hear me? I can’t explain to you why he did what he did to you, why he hurt you. But I do know one thing for certain, and I know you’re tired of hearing me say it but I will say it forever if I have to, this is all on him, nothing you did was wrong. It was all him. All him.”

Biting down on his lip, blinks back tears. “I don’t even know why he was there, and I didn’t want it to become this big thing but Eliott caught on to my mood, I mean, how could he not? And I didn’t feel like talking about it, not after telling him about my father, my anxiety. It would’ve just been overboard for him, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Lucas, he’s there, right? Wanting to be with you. In relationships there are times where you don’t want to say how you feel and you don’t want to express the messy shit, but Lucas, if this is going on for an extended period of time you have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now.”

Lucas sighs.

“Unless he’s been an asshole and said something-”

“No! He hasn’t-”

“-because then I’ll be having words with him.”

That brings a smile to Lucas’ lips. Hearing Manon threaten someone — even thinking it sounds ridiculous in his head — is always a shock because she’s Manon, always flocking to make sure everyone is okay, wearing their coats when it’s cold, ensuring everyone has a ride home after a night out.

“No, he’s great. I’m the asshole, but what’s new, right?”

Throwing an arm around Lucas’ shoulder, easily done because they’re the same height, Manon frowns. “Just talk to him, my love. For him, for your relationship, but, most importantly, for yourself. Now, say this together with me ‘I am not an asshole’.”

Lucas rolls his eyes but Manon is serious. She begins to open her mouth and when Lucas makes no effort to join her she stops and glares, full force, at him until he obliges with another sigh.

“I am not an asshole.”

“And again.”

“I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.”

“Whoop! That is so true, Lucas. You aren’t. Alright, let’s hobble along somewhere, it’s kinda chilly out here. I think my toes are about to stop working.”

“Okay, okay.”

Linking arms, the two friends find a coffee shop to sit at, a feat on days such as this when everyone is seeking the warmth of the inside, clutching warm mugs of hot chocolate between their hands they speak of lighter things, less serious but just as important.

-

By the time eight o’clock rolls around, Lucas is feeling hopelessly guilty about leaving Eliott’s place that afternoon. Manon’s words play on his mind: You have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now. But because he’s the king of avoidance, Lucas has agreed to go to Yann’s for a gaming night and he’s rationalised to himself that that is okay, because he hasn’t seen the boys in a while and he misses them and Eliott is probably off hanging out with Idriss and Sofiane, so he’s okay and they can speak tomorrow. It can all be sorted out tomorrow.

On his way over to Yann’s, he begins typing an apologetic text to Eliott, it screams pathetic and cheap, everything he should say in person. Cursing in frustration, Lucas deletes it all, at least he tries to and he does erase most of it but his thumb slips onto the send button in his frustration.

Today 20:04

eliott

lucas: i’m

FUCK.

He shoves his phone into the front pocket of his grey hoodie, and of course this happened, he really can’t catch a break can he?

He gets no response. Radio silence. Hopefully hanging with le gang will be distraction enough.

For the first hour Lucas is caught up in the fervor of his friends’ excitement about a new season of a TV show about a family gang in Birmingham, England on netflix. They settle on Yann’s sofa, pulling up beanbags and lazy-boys to rest their feet on; despite their apparent enthusiasm they talk through the entirety of the first episode, making poor imitations of the Birmingham accent, Baz laments about how attractive the leading male is and Lucas can’t do anything but agree.

As the night goes by, however, Lucas becomes restless, he plays one game with Yann and then a team game with Arthur and Basile. He drinks flat coca-cola and chooses the music they listen to, but there, in the background of everything is Eliott’s face when Lucas left. When he is choosing the next song to play he thinks back to the many nights when they would talk on the phone before bed and Eliott would play Lucas the piano music he had grown to love, sometimes falling asleep to it, lulled by tender notes and impossibly smooth melodies. He should be there. With Eliott.

So he leaves, apologising profusely, promising to meet them at lunch on Monday, his mouth agreeing to anything while his one-track mind retains its steady focus on one boy. He is running in the dark, the sky jet-black where weeks ago the sunset was only beginning be set. Impossibly, a few stars peak through the light-pollution endemic to most cities and the moon is there, coaxing him on his way, as if to say hurry hurry you’re almost there. Out of breath and surely sweating Lucas does not stop. He doesn’t text Eliott; he will wait outside his place until he comes home, he will wait forever if that is what it takes.

Lucas is anxious now. He presses the buzzer for Eliott’s door, hoping against hope that he will be forgiven for walking out.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. Lucas.”

Silence.

Lucas is there on the steps, panting from his run, his heart galloping in his chest for more than one reason he can count. It feels like an eternity before he hears the tell-tale sound of the front door buzzing and he’s pushing it open, climbing up the stairs to Eliott’s door. It is down the end of the corridor, the last one on his floor, and Eliott is there, in the doorway, watching Lucas as he walks towards him and it is agony: he can feel the guilt’s full force curling in his stomach. Lucas is suddenly self-conscious, he wants the floor to swallow him up. His steps are hesitant. He stops a few feet away from Eliott. Wanting to hug him.

“Can I come in?” His words are stilted, coated in uncertainty.

“Why are you here?” Eliott looks tired.

“I want to talk.”

“Okay.” He doesn’t budge a single inch.

Looks like Lucas is going to have to do this here. In the hallway. Where any number of people can just walk by. At least Eliott hasn’t shut the door in his face.

“I’m sorry. For shutting you out, refusing to talk to you. For being mean,” At this, Eliott’s composure starts to falter, Lucas understands then that his annoyed posture was all an act, possibly an attempt to guard himself from hurt, and that nicks at his heart a little. “For walking out earlier, I should have stayed. I’m just really sick of feeling vulnerable all the time, I feel like I can’t catch a break and then I take it out on you by being cold.

“I saw my father last week, unintentionally, he was at uni and it’s the first time since he left that I’ve laid eyes on him. It brought back all the shame and humiliation. I wanted to walk up to him, like I’ve imagined doing multiple times over the years and confronting him, but all I could do was run the other way. I hate that this man still has this power over me. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that I hurt you-”

Eliott is stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Lucas, pulling him into his apartment and holding him against the door.

“Please don’t be mad.” Lucas’ voice comes out muffled against Eliott’s chest.

“I’m not mad. The truth is I’d rather be annoyed by you than not have you at all. I want to know when you’re in pain and why. And you were, I could see it and it hurt to know you were fighting something on your own. I am so sorry, Lucas.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“Remember what I told you, yeah? You are not alone.”

Lucas’ heart clenches at those words. How does Eliott think of and say things like that, so sincere like it is effortless, like it costs him nothing but the air he breathes to say them.

He pulls back from Eliott, head tilted up against the door. “You need to stop that.”

“Stop what?” Eliott cups Lucas’ face

“Saying those romantic things.”

“And you need to know that you have nothing,” He says fiercely. “To be ashamed about. You are not what happened to you. You are magnificent, and I can’t believe how lucky I am that you choose to be with me.”

“I love you.” The words slip out, Lucas widens his eyes and Eliott is laughing at Lucas’ brazenness. Simultaneously, his eyes shift and brighten, as if Lucas’ confession has changed the very colour of Eliott’s eyes, as if those three words have changed him.

A kiss, soft and tender. ”Not as much as I love you.”

Another kiss just as tender and slow, torturously slow. “Yeah, yeah. Now carry me to your bed, please.”

They stumble there, stripping off their clothes as much as they can while kissing and touching each other. As soon as Lucas hits Eliott’s bed though he is enraptured by the softness of his duvet and pillow and he sighs contentedly.

Eliott looks up from where he was kissing down Lucas’ chest and lets out a disbelievingly laugh when he sees Lucas snuggling into his pillows. He crawls up Lucas’ body until he is caging him in and looking directly down at him. Eliott, straddling Lucas’ hips now, plants a hard, searing kiss on his lips which Lucas is all too happy to reciprocate, clutching Eliott at the hips.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously into you.” Lucas winks.

Eliott rolls over, laying his head on Lucas’ chest. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah…Your bed…Morning sex, instead?”

“Sure.”

From his position on Lucas’ chest, Eliott caresses Lucas’ lower stomach, running his fingers lightly over the skin, raising goose bumps in their wake.

Je t’aime.

Moi aussi.

[erasethedarkness]

hi it’s 👏🏼 anon again. I wanted to request a scenario where Aizawa and his s/o are reunited after along time being apart for a couple of months. Also you’re so amazing idk how you’re not flooded with asks. Thank you for your hard work!

Thanks for being so patient and giving me so much freedom with this request! I hope you enjoy it! If there’s anything you would like changed, feel free to let me know. Reader: Gender Neutral

Scenario: Three months apart finally came to an end, and you returned from your business travels in Europe. Your patience was pressed to its limits as your flight ran into complications landing in Tokyo, and you rushed to get your baggage so you could finally go home- only to be caught by the very person that you couldn’t wait to see. 

Word count: 1181

“I don’t know how people in long distance relationships do it,” you sighed into the phone as you tucked yourself into bed. Last you checked, it was 21:45 (9:45pm), making it 5:45am the next day in Tokyo. For the last three months, you fell asleep as Aizawa was getting up for his day job of teaching future heroes at U.A. High School, and you absolutely hated it.

But this was part of the life you chose. You were essentially the trailblazing lawyer in international hero relations and law- a very specific and rigorous career. Getting called away was common- but for three months? This was the first time it happened, and it was because you were not only presenting in more conferences, conventions, and expositions, but also meeting with prominent and distinguished leaders in each city and country you visited to talk policies and law. The work you did was important, and you knew it, which is why you agreed to take on the task.

After two months of heavy traveling and presenting, you were more than ready to go home. You pushed through that last month, and in the last week alone, you’d been in 4 different countries and more than 10 cities. You were tired of it. And most of all, you missed Shouta immensely.

“Patience, trust, and hope,” came his steady voice- both an answer and, in this case, a mantra. He sounded more tired than usual, and that worried you. “Get some rest, Sweetness. You’ll be a night’s rest closer to home when you wake.”

Over the phone, he heard a long and soft sigh as you conceded to his logic. Even though you were worried about him, there wasn’t much you could do from thousands of miles away. The most you could do to help was give him some peace of mind regarding you.

“Yeah… You’re right. 36 more hours.”

“36 more hours,” he repeated softly. “And almost half of that time will be in airports or in the sky.” His reminder was sweet and reassuring.

“I love you, Shouta. Have a good day for me, okay?”

“Only if you sleep sweetly for me.” You couldn’t help but smile at his words. Even if this was how you two said goodnight for the last three months, it was still endearing and comforting. Just like you would never grow tired of his voice, the way he said goodnight would never wear on you. After all, this was something you wanted for the rest of your life.

“I’ll do my best,” you chuckled. “Knowing I’ll be with you the next time I’m in a bed makes it so much easier.”

“Good. I love you, too, (Y/N). Rest well.” He hung up after his sweet sentiments. You grabbed the spare pillow, hugging it to your body as you curled up, the promise of home lulling you to sleep quickly. The next 20 hours flew by. When you woke up, you were busy with final meetings and then booking it to the airport to finally head back home. All that remained was the nonstop 15ish hour flight from Madrid to Tokyo.

As if testing your patience, your flight met some complications when it tried to land in Tokyo. First there was heavy air traffic, then the landing strip wasn’t clear, followed by some other reason that you didn’t care about. It took an extra hour for your plane to land and let everyone off- meaning your patience was tried and thin. With your briefcase in hand and laptop bag slung across your body, you stepped off the plane and left the gates, masterfully making your way through the airport you were no stranger to. You were so irritated that all you could think about was getting your checked baggage, the first taxi you came by, and home.

Out of nowhere, you were caught in a tight bind. You froze, your arms pinned to your body and legs pressed together, unable to even turn around. As your eyes lowered to the fabric that held you, your body relaxed, the gray fabric giving away your captor. Aside from his protégé, he was the only hero you knew that used the material- and you knew more heroes than most, given your line of work. Rather than pull you back to him, Aizawa stepped up to you from behind, the scarf unwinding and letting you go just as his arms came around your waist to replace them. Gently he placed his head on your shoulder, letting you rest your temple against his cheek.

“Shouta…” You sighed his name softly, turning around and placing your briefcase on the ground between you two. Your arms wrapped around his waist as you stepped into the hug, pulling him close for a tight embrace. “I missed you so much.”

“I know.” He kissed your forehead, holding you in the middle of the shopping strip inside the airport. “I missed you just as much, my love.”

“But, I thought… Didn’t you have work?”

“Yagi is covering for me today. I couldn’t wait to see you. Surprise,” he chuckled as he gazed at you, face as serious as ever, but with gentle eyes. Seeing you in person for the first time in a quarter of a year was hitting him harder than he expected and was willing to admit. His sweetness made you bite your lip to keep it from trembling, your brows furrowing as you tried not to cry- and failed miserably but gracefully. Tears welled and quickly overwhelmed your eyes, falling down your cheeks. Just as you began to cry, you turned your face away from him, cheek against his shoulder as you squeezed him tight. Aizawa brought one hand up to the back of your head and stroked it, strumming his fingers through your hair and rubbing your back to comfort you.

“It’s okay,” he whispered into you ear, nuzzling you gently. “You’re home.” His voice just barely trembled as his restraint wavered, but he held back the overjoyed tears that threatened to materialize.

Even when you cried, you were lovely and refined. You didn’t gasp for breaths and your nose didn’t run- this time, all you had were dignified tears. As you stopped crying, Aizawa turned your face to his and kissed you gently.

“Let’s get your bags, Sweetness. The kittens are waiting, and they’ve missed you dearly. ” He smiled down at you, lowering his arms and taking your hand.

“Yeah?” You picked up your briefcase and walked with him to the baggage claim, holding his hand with your fingers between his.

“Mmhm. They slept on your pillow and side of the bed whenever I laid down.”

You couldn’t help but smile at the mental image his words brought up. Moments like this cured everything for you. Your agitation was a thing of the past, your fatigue and exhaustion replaced with a certain joie de vivre that only the man beside you could inspire. Home could have been anywhere- Madrid, Paris, London, Rome, Berlin- as long as Shouta was with you.

[elitemeowmix]

Medical rant ahead because the “headache department” at my hospital is an absolute headache, an essay by Me

So I’ve been getting injections for daily migraines, and they’ve had some not great side effects:

godawful neuropathy/sensory issues.  If I wear certain pieces of clothing/come into contact with certain fabrics, it feels like my body is on fire/itching/just generally painful (and sometimes it even occurs when I’m not wearing anything, so that’s fun).  I’ve experienced this before because of my fibromyalgia, but never this frequently (it’s daily) and never at this severity (it’s absolutely intolerable, I feel like I need to peel off my skin).  So, understandably, my wardrobe has been dramatically reduced because most of my clothes (including all of my socks, except fuzzy bedtime socks, which is A Look™ in public lol) are having this effect.  One way it’s impacting me is that I can’t wear any gloves, and it’s about to be winter which means it’s hella cold out already, and my hands lose a lot of mobility in the cold so I use gloves at warmer temperatures than most people (yay fibromyalgia).  I’ve also become sensitive to my sheets/towels/blankets so that’s fun and not inconvenient at all *sarcasm*

I’ve also had a completely nonexistent libido.  Which, like, okay theoretically isn’t the worst side effect in the world. But (without going into all the details) this is very unusual for me -- I’ve literally never lost my sex drive no matter how stressed/depressed I’ve been, and only one oral birth control has ever even dampened my libido.  I’ve never had it be nonexistent.  Ever since I went through puberty, it’s been sky high and super distracting (e.g. an orgasm away keeps the distraction at bay).  So needless to say, I’m not feeling like myself at all, because I’ve known and dealt with my high-libido self since I was in 5th grade.  At first I thought this was due to a recent breakup, but it’s persisted way longer than I would have expected and at a severity that I’ve never experienced from any kind of stressful live event ever.  So it seems likely to be caused by the injections because A) the timeline matches up really well and B) it would be super unusual for my birth control to out of the blue randomly cause these symptoms, since I’ve been on this one for about a year and a half now and have never experienced this side effect.

I also get these weird stomach cramps that are worst during the first week after I get the injection, so I know it’s definitely connected.  I probably wouldn’t mind if that were the only issue with the injections, because I could probably just suck it up and deal.

although the injections have reduced the severity of my daily migraines, the beneficial effects have worn off increasingly sooner with each dose.  After only a handful of injections, this current dose lasted only two weeks before I was back to my baseline.  So it’s not like it’s eliminating my migraines, and now it’s not even working as long as it should.

SO.  I did the logical thing and messaged my neurologist explaining all of the above, with some more detail here and there.  And her response to me was:

the pain/sensory stuff if probably just an allergic reaction. (That was literally the extent of her response on this.  Just one single sentence.  Which is concerning for a number of reasons, the foremost being that if this were indeed an allergic reaction, shouldn’t you be telling your patient how to manage it?! Like “hey take some benadryl” or “stop the injections immediately” but apparently the welfare of her patients isn’t a concern to her I guess?)

the decreased sex drive isn’t related

GI issues aren’t uncommon

Let’s maybe schedule an appointment to talk about whether or not you should continue these injections

I was a little peeved because I felt like she’d just brushed off my concerns (she didn’t even address the fact that my quality of life was being compromised but nbd I guess), and I felt like she wasn’t listening to me.  But I figured she was just busy and wanted to get me an answer sooner, even if it was brusque.  So this was my response:

The sensory stuff could definitely be an allergic reaction, but it seems more likely to be an amplified version of what I was already experiencing with my fibromyalgia considering that I literally already experience that symptom.  Regardless, it’s causing an unsustainable way of life, so this needs to change @soon because I’m starting to get desperate, and I’m usually a pretty patient person about crappy side effects

Hi hello so I spoke on the phone with my Ob/Gyn, and based on my medical history and the evidence at hand (e.g. the timeline), we believe that this nonexistent libido is most likely caused by the injection.  Just to give you an update.

(stopped talking about it because meh)

So I got a text reminder asking me to confirm the shipment of my next injection.  Should I cancel it?  Or should I stay on it until my next appointment?

And, kids, this is where fit hit the shan, let me tell you.  Because her response.  God, I can’t.  The audacity.  This is what she decided was an appropriate response for a CARE provider to give:

(NO acknowledgement about the quality of life/issues caused by the sensory issues.  No compassion at all)

DIRECT QUOTE: “there is no evidence in all the studies that have been done, [sic] that shows [injection name] causes decreased libido”

(skipping the GI issues again)

Are the injections helping your migraines? (I LITERALLY ANSWERED THAT IN THE FIRST MESSAGE) Because my recommendation is to stay on them until our appointment in January, and at that time we can see if a change in medications would be beneficial.

There was a point in my life where a physician’s blatant disregard of my concerns would’ve hurt, but I’m apparently past that point.  I’m just angry. Like what do you mean, “IF a change in medications would beneficial”?!  Did you not read all the ways that this is impacting me?  Did you not read the part where I need something to change soon because this neuropathic pain is making me lose my mind?  Also, where the FORK is your compassion??  A patient is having really crappy side effects, and your best answer is “see you in January”?  REALLY?!  I would honestly cry if I weren’t so mad.

Also WTF was with “there’s no evidence about” your symptom that you’ve report.  SO passive aggressive wtf.  Like bitch do you really think my body gives a flying fuck about whether or not this symptom has been “established” as an Official Symptom of this (relatively new, btw) medication?  Because the last time I checked, my body does whatever it damn well pleases and doesn’t read the literature on what it’s “supposed” to do.  I’ve had side effects from medications that less than 1% of patients on those medications experience -- and if you actually bothered to read my patient file, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT.  Also, chronically ill bodies are often complicated??  That’s not a surprise to anyone, especially for illnesses that we don’t know a lot about, like fibromyalgia, which I have???  And NEWSFLASH EINSTEIN, individuals are *gasp* individual and - guess what - can have individual reactions to things!  What a WILD concept!  It’s almost like everyone has a unique genetic sequence.  OH WAIT.

And what really gets my goat is the fact that this is the first time she’s just blatantly ignored me/my patient history/my concerns.  At the very first visit, I told her that I had chronic fatigue.  We moved on to other topics and didn’t talk about the fatigue again.  But what did I see in the after-visit notes?  She literally wrote “fatigue appears to be from [Medication X].”  Well guess what JACKASS.  If you had BOTHERED to ask me if that were true/if I’d noticed a connection, I would’ve said absolutely no way in hell, because I started Medication X in May and I’ve been experiencing this bone-tired fatigue for YEARS (yes, years plural).  But guess what, even if you didn’t ask me that, you could’ve easily seen it in my patient profile!!  But apparently you’re an all-knowing God who is Always Right All the Time so who needs to ask patients questions or check patient histories!!

I cannot stand doctors with God complexes.  I have 0% tolerance for that.  I can’t handle these doctors who think that their MD somehow makes them Better Than You, and obviously they’re always the one who is correct, not you, because they’re the one with the degree so obviously your lived experiences are Just Plain Wrong.

If you are THAT arrogant and THAT uncompassioante (not a word but whatever), you should NOT be in a position where you’re dealing with patients’ wellbeing.  That’s not okay.  But of course, as long as we live in a society that sees becoming a doctor as prestigious/a money-maker, there are going to keep being doctors like this.  And I wish someone would just take them down a notch, because, dear god, would it kill them to actually listen to and take care of their patients???

Anywho.  That was LONG.

I hope to god no one read this entire thing, because if so, I apologize for that experience but also wow that’s serious dedication to this post (idk if I’d even read this whole thing lol).  I just needed to rant this entire thing and this is apparently my virtual diary.  And also having this all written down is going to be helpful for when my memory (inevitably) fails to remember all of these details

[ghost-of-a-girl]

Very amused that my mom expects us all to understand her mental illnesses and treat her differently and not be hurt when we become hurt because of them...

But they bought a book about bpd but haven't read it, know I'm off all my meds... They think I'm just an asshole, how long will it take them to realize I'm just getting started on this mania wave, LMAO.

Since I was in the single digits age they have told me they see me as an adult and treat me that way. Well. Now I am finally asking to at least be treated as a daughter, not necessarily a child, and not someone to be controlled without empathy... But apparently those are the only two options they know of?

Me being 2.5-3 decades younger than them but barely not a minor anymore means that I am to be treated as an adult... Which interestingly enough... Isn't how my mom thinks she should be treated as an adult... Ya'know, with respect, understanding, and empathy... Hmm

Idk if they realize that since they are the ones that have raised me to have the defensive responses I have... I literally cannot, on my own, stop them from happening and be vulnerable to them before they decide I deserve to experience them doing what I've been begging them to do... Like listen to me, not interrupt me, actually try to understand what I'm saying instead of saying I'm just accusing them of things...

But it's on me to fix everything abt myself, that has largely come about as a way to keep myself safe from their bullshit, before they'll support in the way I need to feel safe and... Supported... In order to get better and improve in these specific relationships that I can't yet ditch.

Ye, I'm not a minor, but I'm still the kid u traumatized... I'm obviously not a functioning adult and even at this age it is illogical to treat me as an equal... Esp when I am your kid who has been telling you I'm being hurt and begging you to do things differently...

I really don't fucking understand. I know my emotions can be intense. I know I can be paranoid and overreact. But like. Not being defensive. Opening up. Big fucking no no. It'll be used against me. I can't be vulnerable. I can't admit fault in the moment. It doesn't matter, anyway. There will be a million more things I've done wrong since whatever I did to be yelled at in the beginning.

I feel like I'm going even more insane than what's in my own head. There has never been this much of a disconnect between my actual thoughts, struggles, and intentions and what people understand when I try to describe them. I'm literally questioning if I'm somehow not speaking the same language?? If this is just a joke?? I have no one currently that actually knows what I'm going thru except the voices in my head. I am alone and even when I am bawling and shaking and jerking from anxiety and spilling out words in any way I can to describe smth I've been attempting for months... They don't understand. They will say they do and then when they demonstrate their "understanding" it's completely not anything I fucking said.

What the fuck is going on.

(mania perks, instead of crying after a fight like usual I just watched YouTube all night and now it's 7am and I'm not tired but I have been purposefully fucking up my sleep schedule so I'm asleep when they're mostly awake except I've been sleeping less and less which is idk I love the feeling of my body being tired (esp under my eyes) but my mind being like ha bitch I'm wide awake but also my brains like kinda twitchy but it's nice I love it I've missed this fatigue can suck my ass. I stopped taking Lithium bc I couldn't be monitored and had toxicity for the first time in 5yrs of taking it bc the new psychiatrist I had for like 3 months was an idiot lol hopefully the new ppl I'm getting set up with aren't idiots bc that's all I've gotten this year lmao wtf)

[homosociallyyours]

hey just talkin about fatigue and shit under a read more, i’m not mad if you scroll

so because my fatigue is still newish to me there’s still this part of me that thinks it’s going to magically disappear one day. like i’ll wake up and even though i expended a bunch of energy the day before my body won’t feel heavy and my muscles won’t feel like they’re stretched too tight and my head will be clear. rationally i know that’s not how it works. whatever is wrong with me--this vague blob of unwellness and symptoms that don’t add up to anything obvious--it’s here to stay for now. Yeah, I think I’ll feel better. Because right now I generally feel better than I felt this winter or last fall. But I’m not gonna wake up dancing and be good for the rest of my life. 

Unless there’s some answer and I take medicine for the rest of my life or make some specific life changes or. Whatever blah blah. 

Anyway, this part of me that thinks my fatigue will wand wave itself away likes to forget that my actions have consequences. Drinking too much caffeine makes my heart race and increases my dizziness. Not getting enough sleep means my brain fog comes on harder and my crash can be much worse (though my energy might be fine or even “better” than normal initially). Walking, standing, dancing, and generally moving around a lot makes my joints (especially my hips and knees) hurt and increases the chance that I will experience the worst of my fatigue symptoms. 

That’s what I forgot about at the show on Wednesday. My phone says I walked about 11000 steps, which is about double what I’ve been able to do on good days lately. A bad day could have a few hundred, and a good day is between 4-6k. I used to average 2 or 3 days a week with 10-12k steps before I was sick. So I really paid for it today. I had kinda planned to just call out/not work today, but then I got called in for a meeting and figured I might as well do a few hours of admin work. Except I started getting tired just sitting at the desk and writing up evaluations. I had to re-check everything I did. Check the spelling of words I usually know. Shuffle down the hall really slowly to go to the bathroom and keep my hand on the wall to keep from feeling like I would fall over. 

After I was done I had to buy a couple of small things, but the process of getting them felt agonizing. And then I was ready to go get in the car and a coworker took pity on me and carried my stuff out. I sat in the car for about half an hour psyching myself up to drive. But I did it. I wasn’t dizzy, just spaced. I can drive spaced now. I still can’t drive dizzy though, so it’s good that wasn’t happening. 

Anyway, here I am on the couch. My knee aches and I have a weird sore throat and it feels like everything is wrapped up in cotton around me. Not in a good way. But in the hazy sort of way where things aren’t quite real. I’m gonna be ok to drive tomorrow night. Mostly because I don’t think I’ll be dizzy, and the traffic won’t be bad. And I’ll be able to pack and move around tomorrow. A little slow. But moving. 

And. Well. Even writing all of this out, just talking about my symptoms and shit, there’s still a part of me (is it the same part that thinks I’ll wake up cured? MAYBE SO. idk though) that says I’m making this up. That, when I’m shuffling along because it’s all I feel able to do, is yelling at me to stop playing around and walk like a fucking normal person. That I’m just tired. That whatever pain I’m feeling is normal (is it? I wish I knew! my pain response is typically laughter and I can handle a lot of pain? but maybe I can’t? am i in my body?? is anyone?) and that I should suck it up and deal. I’m going through all this stuff and I’m also thinking liar liar liar on repeat, like I’m only saying these things because I’m lazy. Or depressed. Or any number of other things that aren’t an undiagnosed physical illness. 

So idk. I guess I just wanted to blather about my internalized ableism and how much I fucking hate being sick, how all I want is to be able to go to work like I used to and not feel like I’m a useless weight dragging my coworkers down. Hope most of y’all skipped it. Not a fun read (nor way to live), 0/10, do not recommend. 

[aud-one-out]

i asked @advicefromanobody to do all of them, so i thought it was only fair to answer them too! it looks fun!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My bf

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I’m shy as hell around people i’m uncomfortable with. but if i know you i’m fairly outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my mom, my dad, my bf

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i think i am? idk i have some traits that make me seem a bit stand-offish in my opinion, but that might just be me

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

yep :)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

people who aren’t afraid to voice their opinions, and are their own selves. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

yes!

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my bf

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

not if it’s with someone i trust. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

either my bf or my roommate

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“gross”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Drops of Jupiter by Train, Love on the Weekend by John Mayer, Beautiful Girl by Sara Bareilles, Light the Sky by Grace Vanderwaal, and Step by Vampire Weekend

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

um kinda?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i travelled, i learned to contradance, i explored

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yes! 10/10 face would kiss again

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yes, probably, because science

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

um kinda, i keep up with him on social media, we go to different schools

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes, but seeing as my knee is kinda out of order and i don’t have a bathtub at school, i can’t have one at the moment 20. Do you like your neighbors?

neighbors? i have neighbors?

21. What are you bad habits?

nail biting, procrastination, not washing dishes

22. Where would you like to travel?

i went to prague this summer but i would love to go back and experience it during the colder months.

23. Do you have trust issues?

kind of, but mainly with trusting myself

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to bed

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my feet.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

groan and check my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i’m happy with how it is 28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my bf, my roommates, most of my sisters

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

lol no, good riddance

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes! but no rush

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes but my bangs sometimes fall out and its annoying

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Andrew Garfield and John Mayer

33. Spell your name with your chin.

jmozzsl.yn

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

LMAO

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes, and tbh it was probably for the best

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i’m usually why the silence is awkward tbh 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

supportive, passionate, not afraid to be themselves, but really i’m not picky as long as there’s a good balance of similarities and differences 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

old navy, H&M, amazon

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well, i’m in college now, getting my degree in music therapy, so...that. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

it depends on what they did.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

i’m either really tired or feeling uncomfortable 43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try to!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

seeing my music friends

46. What are you paranoid about?

death and sticky hands

47. Have you ever been high?

yep!

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yep!

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

i’m wearing a green one right now :) 51. Ever wished you were someone else?

only mentally, and only to escape situations i was in

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my ridiculously flat feet

53. Favourite makeup brand?

don’t wear makeup 54. Favourite store?

didn’t i already answer this 55. Favourite blog?

my friend’s blogs 56. Favourite colour?

purple/turquoise

57. Favourite food?

too...many...to...choose

58. Last thing you ate?

a chocolate croissant

59. First thing you ate this morning?

yogurt

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

yes, it was a freshwater fishing tournament in my dad’s neighborhood and i won most fish caught lol 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

no

62. Been arrested? For what?

no

63. Ever been in love?

yep!

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

i don’t really like thinking about it, but i was at a hockey game 65. Are you hungry right now?

tbh when am i not hungry?

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

okay, i really only mainly interact with the people i know that follow me on tumblr (which apparently isn’t normal but who fucking cares)...so tumblr actually helps me get to know them better? 67. Facebook or Twitter?

facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Emma, Sarah, Delaney, Erin, Richard

71. Craving something? What?

sleep (soon, thank goodness)

72. What colour are your towels?

striped blues and greens

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes, lol

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

at school i have 5, at home i have many more

75. Favourite animal?

dogs, especially corgis

76. What colour is your underwear?

teal

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

chocolate chip cookie dough

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

pink!

80. What colour pants?

they’re patterned navy blue, teal, and pink 81. Favourite tv show?

Friends

82. Favourite movie?

The Age of Adeline, Interstellar, Mary Poppins, Singing in the Rain

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Cadi (is that how you spell it?)

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory, hands down

87. First person you talked to today?

the bf

88. Last person you talked to today?

my roommate

89. Name a person you hate?

Hate is a strong word, but i don’t care because this woman literally fucked my life over in more ways than one. Karen C.

90. Name a person you love?

My mother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nazis

92. In a fight with someone?

the united states government

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

a lot

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

a lot

95. Last movie you watched?

“Other People” its so good and really sad

96. Favourite actress?

Bellamy Young, Kerri Washington, honestly too many to name

97. Favourite actor?

too many

98. Do you tan a lot?

i don’t tan, i burn 99. Have any pets?

no, i don’t 100. How are you feeling?

101. Do you type fast?

i think so

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes, but the past is the past

103. Can you spell well?

supercalifragilisticexpealidocious

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

kinda? idek?

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no, but i wanna

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah, i have

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

lol i was that girl obsessed with horses in your fourth grade class

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now?

my knee brace

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes, and it lead to an obsession, and a heartbreak

111. Do you have trust issues?

didn’t i already answer this 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my mom, due to frustration over my recovery from surgery

113. What was your childhood nickname?

jossy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

out of the country!

115. Do you play the Wii?

i have

116. Are you listening to music right now?

John Mayer

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

not the biggest fan, i like tomato better

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes!

119. Favourite book?

“Sing You Home” by Jodi Picoult

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

for a while i was

121. Are you mean?

if you piss me off

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

lol, this is me you’re talking to 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, that’s infatuation. 125. Do you believe in true love?

this is a strange question. yes? no? idk?

126. Are you currently bored?

no, just tired

127. What makes you happy?

my bf, music, my bf playing music, seeing my friends succeed and do good things

128. Would you change your name?

uh no, unless it’s like my last name through marriage and then i’ll probably have a hyphenated last name 129. What your zodiac sign?

Pisces

130. Do you like subway?

yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

well, i’m dating him, so i’d kiss him, duh 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

p sure i answered this already and i can’t remember what i said bc fatigue 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

so many lyrics....

134. Can you count to one million?

i’d lose my patience 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i’ve told a bunch tbh 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′5″ 138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy

139. Brunette or Blonde?

don’t care 140. Summer or Winter?

neither. fall.

141. Night or Day?

is it fair to say both?

142. Favourite month?

april/october

143. Are you a vegetarian?

definitely fucking not

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark, milk in some circumstances

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

today was a long day, that’s what it was. 147. Mars or Snickers?

3 musketeers, bitches

148. What’s your favourite quote?

i probably have one, i’m just too tired to think of it rn 149. Do you believe in ghosts?

not really

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“It took five Greyhound rides and four days” -Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng