#idk if i should feel happy or mortified

[starseungs]

i genuinely get so startled whenever my work gets recommended because what??? my work????

[thymeandmint]

im having a bit of a miserable time with the fish tank and i cannot figure out whats wrong with everyone!!!!! the shrimp losses were rough already but i think ive somewhat understood what happened (mixture of metals in our tap water/potentially copper treated plants/the ich medication) and ive just decided if these shrimp dont make it ill just not keep shrimp as my water permiters just dont suit but now ive noticed a few (2-3) of my kuhli loaches have fin problems with their pectorals degrading down to just nubs (literally when did this happen) but otherwise seemhappy and active so im treating the whole tank for finrot (i dont know how many loaches have it and it would be a nightmare to try and isolate them) and today i noticed one of the two german blue rams has just completely declined shes just sat on the bottom of the tank in the back corner not really doing anything :(!!!! i dont know whats happened!!

sucks cause like ive done so much research for these guys it feels a little miserable not knowing what the problem is and just seeing problems crop up out of nowhere

[aranock]

I'm tired.

Just sort of in general I am exhausted. I know I put on a brave face a lot, but the hate does get to me. The constant unceasing hatred both offline and online gets to me. I'm human idk what to say. Been thinking a lot about the Bilbo quote, I might be paraphrasing, "I feel like too little butter spread across too much toast."

It's pride month, I should be feeling happy right? I convocated finally after a brutal long degree I should be feeling happy right? I like how my body looks for the first time in my life shouldn't I feel happy?

And I know that's not helpful, that feelings are not a should thing. And yet I feel it anyway :/. Not that I do not feel happy, I would say on average I am better than I have been at any other point in my life. But it does get to me.

I was invited to dinner with a former family member, a blood relative that breached every boundary I placed and even went so far as to accost me in a public space. It's hard watching someone lose all love for you the more you become yourself. Being told I'm an embarrassment to my parents by creeps online stings a lot more now that I had a blood relative say it to my face while aggressively yanking my jacket so I couldn't get away. I know its a lie, I know that this person saying that hurt my parents as much as it did me. Alas, anxiety rarely responds to facts or evidence.

Everytime it feels like I'm fine and over it; this person manages to weasel their way around boundaries to fuck up my mental health for a week. And the thing about chronic illnesses like mine is they flare up quite horrendously when you get stressed and anxious. Anxiety means waking up to acid burnt throat from reflux.

It makes my voice dysphoric all day.

I think deep down one of my greatest fears is that I am unlovable, that everyone around me secretly hates me and is just waiting for the excuse to finally be rid of interacting with me. I am terrified that I am a burden. Mortified by the false belief that I am broken.

Despite how horrific my childhood adolescence and some of my early adulthood were, my family was at least a safe place. I recognize that I was privileged to have that. With that said I think the reason this whole thing has rocked me so much is that it violated that one last place I felt safe. It has made me doubt the love of those I never thought I would.

Sometimes transphobia feels like drowning, and if you try to swim for air everyone decides to shove you further down cause actually it's proof you are faking needing breath.

I text someone anytime I go run errands, just to make sure someone knows. Had too many experiences of hate. I get anxious when I go to get groceries; will this be the time I get hit by a vehicle driven by a far right transphobe, am I going to get called a slur again, will the store staff get suspicious of me and search through all my groceries to make sure I actually paid for it. But please, tell me how I don't know what its like to be oppressed. When men sexually harass, catcall, creepily hit on, follow me around clearly I am not at all experiencing sexism. Obviously the real worst thing in the world is that women "cancel" people on the internet, and trans people exist. Did they think sending me hateful articles would suddenly make me go "oh yes clearly its all in my head, please genocide my community, I stand for nothing and have the moral backbone of a slug."

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I dont usually feel or desire to express something like this publicly. I will probably delete it later. Maybe I disappear into writing cause its easier to deal with the feelings that way. That at least then someone gets something out of my pain. That maybe it helps to condense emotional mountains to the mole hills of short strokes of a pen or presses of a key. To let them explode outward in a flurry of thoughts and words that others look at and say "I too have felt this, you are not alone, you are not wrong for feeling this way."

Anything to take the weight of it all off my chest for a second.

Because I am tired.

I'm exhausted really.

I don't want to be brave or strong or resilient. It's tiring to bear the weight of that and a billion projections. Atlas does not bear the heavens upon his shoulders because he is strong or brave. He bears it because he has no other choice. Because people put it on him.

I just want to exist; that is apparently too much to ask for as a trans woman.

If you are concerned, please don't worry I'll be fine, I was fine every other time after all. This too shall pass. But right now it hurts.

And I have had my fill of hurt for many lifetimes.

[drunkjaked]

BIRTHDAY BOY ft lee heeseung

pairing: bf!hee x fem!reader

smut (mdni) + 2824 words

WARNINGS: alcohol consumption, tipsy hee and tipsy reader, sort of dom!hee i can’t really tell, mutual masturbation, slight overstim, reader is a good girl !!!, random mark lee (idk why this is a warning i adore him), ig also random kim chaewon and huh yunjin, i think that’s it ..

thank u so much to heeseung for being born today and giving me an excuse to write this fic thank you so so so much you are so selfless and do so much for me thank you happy birthday i love you #21 i hope you take a shot today you deserve it !!!

Heeseung watches you apply the last of your mascara in the mirror, sitting on the edge of Yunjin’s bed with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth – and now, finally happy enough with how your makeup (and outfit) came out, you take a step back to admire your reflection before turning to face the birthday boy. 

“Is it too late to cancel?” 

“You were totally pumped about the party, like, an hour ago.” You frown, linking your arms around his neck. 

His hand sits near the top of your thigh, toying with the hem of your dress. “That was before you put this on.” 

“I can take it off if you want.”

Heeseung’s eyes leave your tits with some reluctance, raising to meet your gaze. “Really?” He gasps, his voice thick with excitement. 

You copy his tone when you say, no. 

His lips quirk up into a small smile as he pulls you down onto his lap, a hand holding your neck as he leans in to kiss you. You taste the bitter remnants of a vodka shot on his tongue when it moves against yours, humming into his mouth when he tightens his hold on your neck. His other hand leaves your waist, finding the strap of your dress and tugging at it a little, pulling away just enough to say, please, against your lips. 

“Later, baby.” You tell him, leaning back a little to look at him, unable to hold in the little laugh that forces its way out at the way he’s frowning. “Have you always been so impatient?”

With his hand in yours, Heeseung lets you pull him down the stairs to the living room where Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon all stand by the speaker bickering with one another over which playlist to put on, and Yunjin lays on the couch napping resting her eyes before the party starts. 

Insisting that there’s better lighting in the hall, a now awake, Yunjin leads the way and can’t fight a smile at the sight of you and Heeseung together – not missing the chance to remind the two of you that you should be thankful to her. “If it wasn’t for me, I mean, you probably would have found each other anyway because you were both friends with Jay but I.. I di-” 

Heeseung cuts her off. “Just take the pictures.” A little smirk forms on his face as he places his hand over the curve of your ass, grabbing at it and angling your back a little more towards the camera for everyone to see.

“At least one good one, Hee, come on.” You groan, trying to move his hand. “We don’t have any nice pictures together.” 

“We have plenty of nice pictures together, we just took some last night.” 

A wave of heat rushes over you as you hide your face in his chest, the sounds of your friends chuckling at what he said from the living room only mortifying you further. His arm wraps around your shoulders as he presses a sweet kiss to the top of your head. “I’m sorry, baby.” He mumbles, fighting for his life trying to hold back his own laughter at your reaction. 

When you manage to recover, Heeseung lifts his hand to a respectful height on your waist, beaming at the camera like you’d asked him to, and he doesn’t even fuss when you and Yunjin pass the phone back and forth so you can have a look at the photos, scrolling through the ones already taken and deciding that the two of you should stand a tiny bit closer. 

Your boyfriend is gracious enough to grant you more than just one nice photo, and you can’t help but feel a little bit sick with love when you notice that in most of them, he’s smiling down at you. But of course, Heeseung being Heeseung, there’s no escaping the pictures he asks Yunjin to take with his hand on your ass. And your tits – though if you’d known this would be the last time he’d so much as look in your direction all night, you might’ve begged for more photos. 

Three rounds of rock, paper, scissors, and an almost inconsolable Jake later, Sunghoon’s phone plays On That Time throughout the house, and Kim Chaewon is pouring Grey Goose into your mouth straight from the bottle while Mark Lee films it with a blinding flash and a series of ayyys – you’re thankful when she decides it’s time for you to tap out, and you grin into the camera before the video ends. 

From across the room, you watch as Heeseung plays beer pong with a crowd of people - you recognise from around campus - cheering every time he sinks the ball. 

And you feel your eye twitch when the girl who sits behind you in your stats class whines about how she’s so bad, looking up at him and batting her lashes as she asks him to teach her. You let out a breath you didn’t even realise you were holding when he shakes his head. And you clench your jaw when he winks at her, just making out the way he says, I’ll go easy on you. 

Noticing your irritation, Mark drags you away from the scene of the crime, elbowing through the crowd in the living room to an empty corner. “You okay?” 

You shrug in response, not wanting to unload on a relatively new friend.

“He’s the man of the hour, it’ll die down soon and you guys can .. whatever, don’t worry about it.” He tells you, offering you his cup to take a sip from. 

Much to your disappointment, he was wrong, and the two of you danced around (perhaps a little closer than you should have been) for what felt like ten years (but was probably only an hour) before you excuse yourself to look for Yunjin. 

Desperate to catch your boyfriend’s attention, you ask her and Chaewon to help you find something else to wear. And even though it takes longer than expected, the two girls sit on the bed with their jaws on the floor at the sight of you in a purple set that she was yet to wear. 

“I don’t think you’ll be wearing that for very long when he sees you.” 

Unfortunately, being wrong seems to be the trend amongst your friends as Heeseung only looks at you for a split second before resuming the conversation he’s having on the couch with.. the girl from earlier. He doesn’t even acknowledge you when you sit in his lap, only wrapping his arm around your waist as he continues to talk about his major.

You shift a little in your seat, leaving a kiss on his neck before sucking the spot – an action that finally makes him talk to you. “Not now, YN.” He says, moving his neck away from you. This is enough to force you to blink away tears and you’re just thankful that Yunjin’s bedroom is empty when you go back up there. 

In an effort to make yourself feel better, as you sit on her bed with your knees to your chest, you tell yourself that you’re only crying because you’ve had a little to drink and not because your boyfriend hates you. Or is acting like he hates you. 

You don’t look up when you hear the door open and you thank whatever higher power will listen that whoever it was decided not to stay, quickly closing it again. Though the alone time doesn’t last as the door opens once again. 

“Baby?” Your boyfriend’s voice is soft when he speaks but you’re far too embarrassed to respond. “Hey, what’s the matter?” The door clicks shut behind him and you feel the bed dip next to you when he sits down, his arm wrapping around your shoulders. Heeseung doesn’t say anything for a while, humming a song that you like and using his thumb to rub circles on your arm. “Do you wanna talk about it or do you just wanna sit for a bit?” He eventually asks. 

When you look up at him his brows are furrowed and he watches you with wide eyes. “You left me alone all night.” You mumble. 

“You looked like you were in good hands with Mark earlier, I didn’t wanna interrupt.” Heeseung clears his throat a little before shifting in his seat, hating himself a little for the way his cock hardens at the sight of his crying girlfriend. “Come to think of it, the two of you looked pretty cosy in the living room.”

“I’m surprised you noticed.” 

Heeseung sighs, scratching at the back of his neck. “I’m here now, you’ve got me as long as you want me.” 

“I got changed and everything, Yunjin lended me this stupid outfit,” Which admittedly is very cute. “And you wouldn’t even look at me.” 

“Well, I had to punish you somehow.” 

“Punish me?”

He nods, fingers toying with the strap on your dress. “You used to be such a good girl for me, what happened?” 

“I still am.” 

“Would a good girl grind on another guy at the birthday party she threw for her boyfriend?”

“I didn’t grind on him.” 

He squints at you, and you’re certain he knows you didn’t. Because you didn’t. But the look on his face tells you otherwise, and you’re not sure what more you can say. “You were ignoring me.” You offer uselessly.

“You wanted attention so bad you used another guy to make me jealous,” he pauses. “On my birthday?” 

“I’m sorry.” You try, voice coming out in a pathetic murmur as you wipe a tear from your cheek with the back of your hand. 

Heeseung tuts, pulling you onto his lap. “Not gonna cut it, princess.” His hand slips under your skirt, resting at the top of your thigh. “When did you take your panties off?”

“When I got changed.”

“Hmm.” He nods. “For Mark?” 

“For you.” You refrain from rolling your eyes at him, desperate to stay in his good books. “You know that.” 

He smiles as he echoes you. “I know that.” A grin splitting across his lips at the way you practically gasp when his fingers ghost over your pussy, dragging your wetness towards your clit. And despite how good it feels, you shake your head. 

“Wanna make you feel good.”

“Yeah?” 

You grab his wrist, pulling his hand away from your legs and bring it to your face instead, nodding as you pull his thumb between your lips.

He helps you undo his fly and can’t help but chuckle at the way you grin when you move his underwear and his cock slaps his stomach. Eyes locked on your hand as you wrap your fingers around it, thick and hard, his slit oozing precum already – your thumb touching him as if drawn by a magnet, spreading it around his tip before stroking him gently

“Spit on it.” He mumbles, groaning a little when you do, watching as it slips down his skin, over his veins and pooling at his base. It’s slick in your hand as you make sure to cover the whole thing, wrapping your hand around it once again, grip tighter than before as you jerk him off near his head just the way he likes, more than pleased with yourself at the loud moan he lets out.

He can’t draw his eyes away from the sight, from the way the sheer size of his shaft makes your hand look so small around him. The knot forming in his stomach causes his nose to scrunch up and his pretty lips move to utter a curse. “Such a good girl.” His voice comes out in a whisper and his eyes snap to look up at you, your hole clenching around nothing under his gaze.

If Heeseung could manage to stay still, the eye contact might’ve intimidated you a little – but his hips keep bucking up into your fist as he loses composure, a sight that leaves your cunt leaking. A sight that leaves you so wet that when he reaches between your thighs his ring finger slips in with no resistance, a shuddered breath falling from your lips as your grip on him falters slightly. 

It stings a little when he adds his middle finger, his thick digits stretching you out as he curls them towards your belly button. His eyes are lidded as he looks down at the sight before him and it’s a little hard to concentrate on anything other than the way his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. 

“Did I tell you to stop?” 

You mumble an apology around his thumb as you continue your movements, a whine falling from your lips at the feeling of him grazing your walls, a moan coming out when he presses on your clit with his thumb. He takes his thumb from your mouth and puts his hand on your waist to keep you steady as you squirm in his lap, your eyes screwing shut when the tip of his finger brushes against your g-spot. 

The look on your face is mesmerising and he feels his tummy flutter as he watches you, the way your jaw falls slack and your hand comes up to grab at his shoulder and–fuck, he’s so lucky to have you like this. To have you at all.

He can tell you’re close from the way your hand loosens on his cock and your strokes lose their rhythm, sporadic now, almost as if you have to remind yourself to do it. That and the way that the only word you can get to leave your mouth is his name – which he’d never complain about. If anything the whole thing only brings him closer too, his thighs tensing under you and his stomach contracting beneath his shirt. 

The knot in your stomach is unbearably tight as you claw at his back, your hips stuttering while you ride his fingers, and your mind too hazy to process the fact that you’re cumming until Heeseung brings his coated fingers to your mouth, biting on his lip as you suck them clean. 

“Beautiful.” He mumbles, sucking a breath through his teeth when you start stroking him again, obviously a little tired now given how slowly you move your hand, chest rising dramatically as you huff to catch your breath. 

“Sorry about the mess.” You whisper when you look down, a part of his black pants now sticky and wet with your arousal. 

There’s a pretty smile on his face when you look back at him, shrugging a little as he says, you know I like it. And he smiles even wider at the way you cover your face, embarrassed. “You’re so cute, baby.” He chuckles, stopping short when you swipe his tip with your thumb again. 

His hand is so much bigger than yours when he covers it, helping you finish him off, writhing under you as you wrap your other hand around his base, covering the whole thing. With a couple more tugs at his shaft and a cry of your name, his head falls forward and his cock twitches in your hold when he cums, white and hot between your spread legs.

Your body jerks a little at the feeli—Shit, you gasp as some of it spills into your clenching hole, and he can’t tear his eyes away from it, so pretty, so messy, all because of him. A shiver creeps up your spine when he pulls you closer, the head of his cock grazing your cunt, spreading the mess all over you. 

Heeseung can’t help the soft sigh that slips past his lips as he pushes into you, still so tight he can barely get his tip inside, but you’re so hot, so wet. And with no time to recover from your orgasm you collapse into him, your head falling into the crook of his neck. “Too much.” You whimper into his skin. 

He presses a soft kiss to the top of your head, his arms coming around you to hold your body in place. “Be a good girl and take it.” He mumbles, moaning as he fills you all the way to the hilt, grinning at the way you shiver and grind down on him.

His hips rock against yours as slow as he can manage, he’s never taken you like this, never used his cock to fuck his cum into you, and he feels like a fool now that he knows how good it feels. 

“Hee, please, too much.” You cry out, halting your movements and nestling your face in his neck. 

And he almost feels glad when he hears you say it, feeling overwhelmed himself. “I know, baby,” he speaks into your hair, leaving a kiss. “I know. Let’s just stay like this for a bit, hmm?”

Letting out a yawn, you nod your head. “Happy birthday, baby.”

©drunkjaked (2022) ALL RIGHTS RESERVED,

perm taglist: @chaersworld @5xiang @sunghoonmybeloved @yunskies

masterlist | other heeseung fics

thank u sm for reading, i hope u enjoyed ,,, feel free to lmk ur thoughts 💕💕💕 appreciate it :)))

one time for the birthday bitch love u my darling hee !

[noturlesson]

Could you possibly write hcs for sal with a masc s/o that's into film and photography and take a lot of photos of him? They've always admired Sal and saw him as interesting but was too socially awkward/nervous to start a conversation ever since he moved in. The two probably only met due to Larry introducing them..

Sal x Masc!Photographer!Reader

Ngl this is gonna be a challenge since I’m used to writing fem readers, but I need to diversify my writing anyway, so here u go! I hope this was good enough lolol

How you met

You almost died when Larry introduced you to Sal for the first time

Seeing him in the halls was completely different than being face-to-face with him. He was so much prettier now that you were meeting him and it absolutely dizzying.

Of course, Larry put you on blast by telling his blue haired friend about your photography. He gushed about how good it was, and naturally, Sal wanted to see.

You nodded, awkwardly fumbling with your photo album, but finally pulling out a few pictures of some birds you took.

“These are really good, (Y/N)! You have a great talent.” Sally complimented you while examining the photos.

Your thanks came out in a stutter, and you mentally facepalmed at yourself.

“See? I told he’s rad!” Larry exclaimed, playfully slapping you on the back. It caused you to panic and drop your photo album, pictures spilling out all over the floor. Embarrassment rushed through you, but Sal was quick to help pick up the pictures. “Wait.. is this me?” He asked, holding one of the photos in his hand.

You were absolutely mortified, stumbling over your words as you scrambled to pick up the rest of the photos. “Well I just thought that you looked really good in that lighting, so I took a picture, and beauty should be captured so-“

“Do you have more?”

If you almost died before, you were definitely dead now

In a relationship

He absolutely adores the photos you take of him. He has really bad self image issues, but your pictures make him feel so beautiful, he can hardly believe that it’s him in the picture.

Asks to look at all the photos you take, compliments you profusely on all of them

Loves tagging along with you to photo shoots

You teach him how to use your camera and he falls in love with you even more

Nearly passed out when you put your hand on top of his to stabilize the camera for the shot

Has a collection of pictures you took when y’all go on dates

His absolute favorites are the ones he takes of you though. They’re not as cinematic or professional-looking as yours, but he doesn’t care, he thinks you look handsome so he’s going to cherish the photos

You hate when he takes pictures of you though. He always catches you off guard, and you don’t think your nearly as photogenic as he is.

Has at least 3 photos of you trying to eat a burger (if u don’t like burgers imagine ur fav food or smth idk)

Refuses to let you delete them off your camera because “you look too cute”

Will never tell you, but your photos boost his self esteem sm and he loves you so very much for that

Will listen to you go on and on about your dream equipment, movie/film sets you like (or hate), your favorite filters to use, etc. Just happy to see you so passionate about something you love.

So sorry that this was so late 😭😭 Homecoming week happened as I was BUSYYYYYYY but yea hope u enjoyed :D

[abitohoney]

WEREWOLF SEVIKA WITH HER MECH ARMMMMM!!!!

Does her werewolf form have a tail? Does it wag when she's happy or excited? DOES SHE LIKE RECEIVING BELLY RUBS???

I'd be the idiot who would get a squeaky tennis ball to torment her with, and she'd eviscerate me for it, and it's be so worth it XD

This is fun and silly and I love it! Also, gonna paste a screenshot of your other ask here because a) it's related and b) I already started technically answering part of your second ask before you even asked it!

Side note: this is my first... HCs? Imagines? IDK WTF this is even called. Let's just say here's my chaotic dumpster fire of unorganized thoughts on this. Enjoy! (No refunds)

Also, probably won't have the next chapter of my werewolf!Sevika fic out tonight so y'all get this instead. 😭

Should probs throw in a warning too. Some NSFW at the very end. MDNI, 18+

Hell yes werewolf Sevika with her mech arm!

I mean, how could she not have it?!

It's cool as hell and would make her unique and give her an advantage over the other werewolves

It's not organic so it wouldn't make sense for it to change with the rest of her body

How much would that suck if the nerves and tethers to the flesh were separated each time she transformed? Poor woman would have to reattach the damn thing everytime. Sounds far more painful than just the transformation alone! I could not do that to our babygirl. 😭

She could play fetch with herself so much easier!

She could still choke us in her werewolf form

OFC she has a tail!

How cute would that be? Now Sevika is a stubborn, prideful and grumpy lady and that applies to her werewolf form as well. She won't admit to enjoying anything other than killing, and she's going to try her damnedest not to wag that tail or let you even do anything that might trigger that response. But she is a woman, er... werewolf, with urges and instincts. Will power and stubbornness can only go so far before it's overpowered by the more natural responses. So if you know some of her secret weaknesses, and you can get close enough to exploit those, you better believe you're gonna see that tail do a little dance.

Belly rubs? Oh she LOVES those!

Again, you're gonna have to be sneaky to get close to that fuzzy belly. She's got sharp canines and is not against giving you a warning bite if you get too close to her soft spots.

You're best bet is to catch her while she's napping in her gigantic doggy bed at the foot of your shared bed. (You've forbade her from sleeping on your bed while in her werewolf form. She sheds profusely and has an annoying tendency to kick you with her hind legs when she dreams about chasing prey, which is probably you considering all the annoying things you do to her. Not to mention the one time you were rudely awaken to the mortifying realization that she was humping the back of your leg like a bitch in heat. Not that you have any right to complain when you take into account how much you like to grind on her thigh when she's in her human form.)

She's snoring deeply, belly fully exposed, as she sleeps in her plush doggy bed when you cautiously sneak closer. You sit cross-legged in front of her and ever so slowly reach a hand out. Your palm rests on her soft, warm belly and your eyes flit to hers. They're still closed, so you start making, slow sweeping circles. Her breathing shifts and a hind leg twitches. Before long, the bushy tail that hangs over the edge of her bed starts swaying. The moment you add some light scratching to the belly rubs her tail really starts wagging. You can't hide your adoring smile, even as her eyes suddenly shoot open, purple glowing orbs locking onto yours immediately. Her struggle to react in anger is apparent by how her upper lip twitches as if she's trying to snarl, but she just can't fight how fucking good the tummy rubs and scratches feel. Slip your other hand behind an ear to give it a nice scratch and she's good as yours, tail swinging so hard it's smacking your knee. You might even get a little kiss on your arm from a big ol slobbery tongue.

Fetch? She can't resist.

You're not the only fool who would buy their sexy werewolf GF a nice, loud, squeaky ball to play fetch with. We all would, cause that tail wags so damn hard her back end shakes with it. This, however, is the one she's least happy to admit to enjoying, but all it really takes is throwing the damn ball. Just know that you'll pay for it later (You'll be her pet, on all fours wearing a collar and leash, for at least a day. But don't worry, she'll feed you real well).

Flea collar, or any collar for that matter? Hard nope

Don't even bother trying. You'll be the one in the collar if you do. She doesn't do flea baths either, so you better just get used to your hundreds of new insect buddies.

Good girl? Hahahaha... Nope!

Whatever you do, do not, I repeat do NOT call her "good girl", or you'll be the one in the dog house!

"Hey, babygirl, c'mere!" Sevika calls from the bedroom while you're finishing drying off after showering and you freeze in terror. You know that tone. That condescending, slow sneer. You know you're in trouble. "Need to talk to you about something."

Maybe if you go out there naked, you can make her forget whatever you'd done wrong, which you admittedly have forgotten yourself. Swallowing the lump that formed in your throat, you cautiously step past the doorway and into the bedroom. Sevika, in her human form, sits on the edge of the bed, glowing purple eyes on you and sharp canines poking out from her wide, devious smirk.

"Yes?" You ask sweetly albeit shakily, with false innocence as you step further into the room so she can see your nude form. Your eyes drop to her lap where you find she's already packing her fav strap. Thick, ribbed and curved for your pleasure. Heat rises to your cheeks.

"Do you recall what you called me last night?"

Too distracted by the thought of what she has planned, you shake your head. A movement catches your eye and you realize she's swinging a pair of handcuffs from one thick finger. Heat drops between your thighs.

"When you were petting me in my werewolf form?" She reminds you, tone noticably sharper when she mentions that particular act which was also one of her no-go rules.

Oh. Oh fuck. That.

In the same moment you recall what you'd said, you see the spreader bar, collar and leash lying on the bed beside her. Your doe eyes flit to hers, realizing just what you were in for.

"Good girl?" You squeak out.

"Mhmm. And are you supposed to call me that?"

"No!" You answer quickly, shaking your head profusely. "I'm sorry Sev-"

"On the bed sweetheart. Head down, hands behind your back and on your knees. Oh, and spread them real wide for me. Let's see who's the good girl."

[trashlie]

hey this is lil anon again :3 listen we're all so feral about the latest fp episode can i just talk about it some more please and dump my thoughts here bc oh my god so many thoughts 🙏🏾 you can leave my other, longer ask in your inbox for now if you want to it's totally fine bc sdhfgdhfjksdhfk FERAL

PLEASE it is actually soooo funny how maya asks such a simple question: "why is he your friend?" - and shinae just explodes and goes off at the him in her head HISS GROWL I WANT YOU AND IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU THEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING OF MINE and maya just stares at her in shock and disbelief like: 😶😶😶. and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. how can she possibly put nol and what he means to her and what she feels for him into words??? something something if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more. shinae is so intense and bold and fiery I LOVE THAT SOOOOOO MUCH and tbh compared to shinae, nol is handling his feelings like a champ actually 😹 like at least the tiger hasn't bitten anyone (yet) LMAOOOOOOO he's been holding back a lot, trying his best to stay composed, mortified by his desire to kiss her because how dare he even *think* about that. it's the same intensity, the same feelings at the same time but he's very in his head, meanwhile shinae - the feral little cat - is just completely unhinged and off the rails. it's incredible. poor girl, all these new feelings and realizations hitting her all at once and she's understandably SO ANGRY that she can NOT control it and go back to normal, that he's making her such a mess, passed out on the bed bc it was all too much for her to handle.

you know, before 235 i thought their meeting would be… on the soft/sweet/wholesome(?) side bc of the new shyness and nervousness and vulnerability that comes with these realizations, maybe a through the door conversation without directly facing each other (like i mentioned in my longer ask), but we've kinda had that with the balcony "you're special to me" scene, right. so idk maybe shinae will just storm in there a fiery raging whirlwind of emotions and be all like how DARE you steal my heart and then try to get rid of me and run away, you asshole. IF YOU WON'T GIVE ME BACK MY HEART, THEN I NEED YOU TO BE MINE!!!!! it sounds so dramatic but seeing what all this is doing to shinae, how it brings out the fiery bold possessive assertive side in her, who knows??? she's for sure not letting go without leaving her claw marks on him. as she should.

and YES YES it's def both jealousy and insecurity. i didn't expect it to come up as part of her realization simply bc it wasn't on my mind tbh, but it works so well as part of the ✨realization process✨!! if just platonic then you don't get jealous and insecure, then it (typically) doesn't matter if/who they're dating. but if you can't stomach them being with anyone else but you, if you want them all to yourself, then sorry but that is NOT "friends". and there's definitely a comment here to be made about how alyssa isn't just some random hot girl, she's an idol and as such she embodies what's conventionally attractive and desirable, smth smth beauty standards patriarchy society. and she leaves nol cold but shinae still can't help but become hyperaware of it all bc everything you said ;; i can't get over the "timing" of this scene either bc we see shinae crying happy tears and for a moment she's forgotten her drama but then BAM suddenly there's gorgeous glamorous idol alyssa dancing on stage, and nol is there, looking at her, and they're both at this elite event in this world that shinae is simply not a part of. and. smth smth alyssa being a good dancer nol being a good dancer meanwhile shinae has two left feet. it's like the universe is laughing at her, telling her "she is all that and you aren't, she can have him and you don't". and as if it's not enough, of course it's the girl who gave her all this trauma. of course. how can it not sting her how can she not become insecure honestly ;; i too would immediately lose my appetite :<

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔) i also wonder a little bit if not nol himself could (unintentionally of course) play into shinae's insecurity… especially in this initial stage bc like. he's a conventionally attractive dude; tall, handsome, nice smile, he's charming, he's got a rich dad too. shinae isn't stupid she's very aware of this. she's noticed how women reacted to him at the formal. one of them even commented that "he's way out of her league" or smth like that when she saw them together (which :/// shallow rich people talk 🙄)… and when it's friendship then you don't care, and she didn't care back then, and rationally she knows nol is not shallow like that, that she really shouldn't worry about such things, but when you're so young, inexperienced, have low self-esteem, are in such an emotional state, then suddenly you start questioning yourself on this shallow level. why would someone with his looks and money be interested in me, when he could have (and does have) an "alyssa-level" girl? sure he might like me as a friend but would he ever want me like that? it's like when you're crushing on the hot guy you've been friendly with and suddenly become all too aware of the hot girl that all the boys (and girls) have their eyes on. you just can't help but be aware that you're simply not her :/ yeah i think. she's going to need affirmation and reassurance re: what alyssa is/was to him, but i think more importantly, she'd need it about herself, what he likes about her, how he feels about her, that he doesn't want anyone else, that she *is* beautiful in her own way even if she doesn't see it herself, and then she'll hopefully grow more confident from it ~

-feral lil anon 😼

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so sorry it took me all day to get to this response! I could NOT pull my brain together and kept getting distracted and having more feral breakdowns about Stalkyoo alfkajkfjkafjkafjka lmao and then I had to cry about my babies performing tonight and I have been through EMOTIONS but also ALSO I LOVE THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH I'm gonna do my best to do it justice because you ABSOLUTELY bring up things I also want to yell more about!!!!

There's something SO funny to me about how much Nol and Shinae mirror each other. That we now can tell they started to fall for each other at the same time and it just kept growing, that it's on the SAME DAY that they're becoming aware of these feelings, in much the same way - yknow, being so embarrassed to have FEELINGS lmao. But YES Nol does a much better job containing it at all. I want to say it's probably because he's so used to hiding everything, holding things in, but we also know he came so very close to just biting Shinae before he kicked her out lmao and it's not like Shinae hasn't also been decent at pretending things aren't wrong, but MAN she's so beyond her breaking point at this stage, isn't she lmaooooooo She CAN'T contain it - it's too big, too loud, too messy, so carnal. She's been trying for so long to keep shoving it into this box it doesn't fit and it just keeps growing bigger and bigger and spilling out. Something so funny to me about her is that Shinae.... like she kinda externalizes a lot and I'm trying to figure out how to explain this because clearly she isn't good at telling people about her problems, but as a result of being alone so much she talks through her thoughts out loud, to Lil Buddy, so of course for this she NEEDED to externalize to Maya. Because yes, it's so messy, it's spilling out everywhere and the more she tries to make sense of it the bigger a mess she makes and Maya really DID have to put it in words for her. I know I said I wanted Shinae to come to the conclusion without anyone else saying it but I still love how this played out because she still said, OF HER OWN FREE WILL, "If I can't have you" LIKE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also we know that Shinae just has an EFFECT on Nol and while he's doing a good job keeping things at bay, all things considered, I think the moment she goes back to his hospital room it's all gonna just be.... *sweeps papers off the desk* lmao

Another tangential thought I've had is that neither of them have really gotten to BE teenagers. Nol is forever having to play a game of making sure he doesn't make too many waves, doesn't get noticed. Likewise, Shinae has had to be the good girl while her dad is always busy working, not get into trouble, take care of herself, get good grades. Maya goes on to remind us, too, that Shinae didn't even HAVE any social experiences beyond what happened in middle school, just. Rolls with things stopped making friends. There's so many teenager moody things that they've largely missed out on and we're seeing so much of that come bubbling out. Yes, Shinae's moodiness is mostly because girl is CRANKY she hasn't slept she hasn't eaten and she's scaling the walls trying to figure out why she thinks her friend is pushing her away (he's not) and what she has to do to make him stay (figure out feelings) and she's just SO frustrated it all spills out. Relatable. I, too, become an awful monster when I haven't slept LMAO but it's just SO nice to see them have this moment? Get to be selfish and moody and a little bratty when they have spent so long trying to just be good and get by. Let them have a tantrum or three, it's fine!

Also LITERALLY SAME. I thought Shinae would realize her feelings, maybe balk at them, hide away for a day, try to deny them, then become determined and go back to him but too shy to look him in the eyes to face him, yes maybe talk through the door so this was SUCH a surprise but YEAH YOU ARE RIGHT! They already had that tender shy little moment. Now they can just be. Feral lmaooooooo listen idc how corny it is I'm exploring EVERY possibility I can, writing half-baked fic moments in my head. I want Shinae to wake up and go in guns BLAZING I want her to say dumb things she doesn't stop to think about FINE IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY THINGS what are you talking about I SAID YOU'RE A THIEF AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON GIVE ME BACK MY THINGS something something there's one thing he can't give back something something you're a thief, too alkfjkfjFKAFKJAKJF SCREAMS I need Nol to just say something SO blunt that makes her stop in her tracks aljakfjkafjafjk lmao I need her confessing in every which way but the words again, until he's standing too close SCREAMS

idk idk idk however it goes I know I'm going to love it because they just are going at it with such equal energy and I'm PRETTY SURE Dieter is going to talk to Nol while Shinae sleeps so maybe that will give Nol the conviction to say what he couldn't, now that Shinae has figured out the answer to "why isn't because friends" enough. Actually, more than anything, I want Nol to end up in the kind of position where he blurts something out without thinking or he acts on his feelings just BLINDLY because I just need him to see that he can't keep running from things and pretending and that Shinae is someone he cannot resist so make the right choices, boy. I need him to understand how much he wants her and deserves to ACT ON THAT ALFJKAFLJAFAJFLKJAFJF RRRRRRRRR FRRTFTT GROWL HISSSSSSSSS

but alfjakfjkfajfka THE INSECURITIES GET TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because YES at the end of the day it's not just anyone. It's ALYSSA. The very person who gave Shinae her trauma, the person who GAVE HER HER ACTUAL SCAR. It's not the first time Shinae has envied something of Alyssa, either - Alyssa with her warm, beautiful mom and her big home and all her opportunities and her family so suffocating by being parents, Alyssa with her many talents with her intelligence. I really REALLY like the point, too, that it's not just Nol looking at Nol, it's Nol at that party in a world that Shinae is not a part of, doesn't belong to. Logic doesn't stand much against insecurity and jealousy or else she'd be able to remind her that Nol doesn't much like the world he technically belongs to, that Alyssa doesn't make him happy. Somewhere in her jealousy she sees the way she measures to Alyssa in these shallow ways and it hurts to come up short like that! AND RIGHT the girls at the gala saying Nol is out of her league! Shinae is like... aware that Nol is handsome (she literally said VERY handsome) but most of the time it doesn't seem to be a thing she thinks about - mostly because she hasn't really openly thought about him in a romantic way. But now that she's got these feral feelings about trying to keep him and have him and know him and see all the parts of him that he hides from her, she's facing the reality of how she looks to others, compared to him, compared to Alyssa. Sangchul has even implied it a couple times - Nol has a hot idol girlfriend so what is it about Shinae that's so special why is he hung up on her, what does she do that can possibly be better than a hot idol girlfriend.

And if there's something I love it, it's the tender unfurling petals of first love and the insecurity and jealousy that blooms with it, that ache that you aren't good enough that you can't possibly compare, because it leads to the REASSURANCES. Nol has SO many reasons to prefer Shinae, so many reasons to have fallen for her. I REALLY feel like we'll have a callback to that day Shinae asked Nol why Dieter might like to date her, when he told her he has a couple reasons in mind. Like... self consciousness and feeling inadequate is an awful feeling but I LOVE how it can be used in text, because also right: IF PLATONIC WHY FEEL LIKE THIS? Jealousy can be a useful device when it's not toxic and in this case it's someone like Shinae who has never really been made to feel like she's special, who has never seen anything in herself, realizing that she has fallen SO HARD for her friend who has a bombshell girlfriend and is super handsome and himself and comes from this elite world of affluent people. But there's also so much Shinae doesn't know about him yet, either, so much she hasn't had a chance to digest about him. She's seeing things at face value but I need him to tell her to her face that she makes him feel a kind of peace that NOTHING else does, that he cannot help but gravitate to her, that she's LITERALLY made his life worth living. Remind her that even though he was trying to avoid her, he failed SO miserably. Nol didn't get to tell Shinae at the party what he likes about her and DAMNIT I WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!!!!! Especially because we've seen Shinae's POV of him at this poignant moments, I want to hear from Nol's mouth what he likes about her, the way he sees her. Like her, does he feel like clouds part when she's near, does she make all of the noise quiet for the moment? Does he find himself wanting her to notice more, wanting to steal more of those private moments where they open to each other?

I WANT TO HEAR IT SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY and I want her to know that she doesn't have to compare herself to Alyssa, that there's no one in that world who has ever caught his attention the way she has. That no amount of money could make anyone from that society better than her. That it's not about any of that - it's about what she makes him feel. Just as much as Nol has had such an impact on Shinae, we've seen it in Nol. I agree that it's far too soon for her to know that he's literally still alive because of her lmao (that's just so much it's so overwhelming!!!!) but there are other ways she's impacted his life. When he told her he really hoped she'd get the job working with them, I think he meant it. Life was more interesting with her in it, he wanted to be around her more before Yui reminded him of what she does.

Like idk to me that insecurity is such a quintessential aspect of puberty and teenage years and first love. That rush of trying to see how others perceive you and the reassurance that comes from the person you like? GOD. And especially for people like Nol and Shinae, who have felt so invisible, so underappreciated, who have never really been made to feel special, having this with each other just LKFJAJKFJAFKAFKAFJLJAFLKJFKf

Also don't think I haven't forgotten about Yujing complimenting Shinae, or that moment when Nol made her laugh during her dance with Kousuke. How he was literally right in her face doing her make up and how it just augmented how pretty she already is. While I don't think he probably has that conscious thinking of it - gee golly Shinae sure is pretty because you know.... *gestures vaguely at his life* i SO BADLY want him to tell her that ;A; that she's beautiful ;A; like to be fair I think something about Stalkyoo that is SO well done is that it's all so deeply based on connection and the way those feelings developed as a result, as opposed to attraction first, but especially in the light of Shinae feeling so jealous and insecure, I want him to saaaaayyyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiiiiit. I want him to tell her how pretty she is when she laughs and lights up, what a beautiful smile she has and that he wants to be the one who makes her smile more I WANT THE CHEESY FUCKING SHIT DAMNIT I DON'T CARE I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND OTHERWISE ALKJAKFJKAFKJAFJKAFAFKJLKJAF SCALES THE WALL SCURRIES ACROSS MY CEILING AND STARTS CHEWING THROUGH MY CEILING FAN

I want him to reassure that there is not ONE way she pales against someone like Alyssa, that she is worth so much more to him ;A; howls

I WANT HIM TO TOUC HER FACE WITH HIS BIG STUPID HANDS AND BRUSH HIS THUMB ACROSS HER CHEEK AGAIN AND CONFESS THAT HE IS SO MISERABLY INCAPABLE OF RESISTING HER AND THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM FEEL SO SEEN, FEEL LIKE HE MATTERS, NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM WANT TO BREAK HIS OWN RULES

JUST SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT

also ;A;

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔)

tHAT SHIT HURTED THAT SHIT HURTED ;____________;

Alyssa my tragic, messy girl ;A; I can't help but love the tragedy of her, I can't help but be so invested. The way Shinae and Alyssa have been foiled against each other and how I know we will continue to see this. There's something about... yknow like Alyssa doesn't have FEELINGS for Nol, but I think Nol going from Alyssa to Shinae is SO poignant in a painful way. Alyssa's former crush!!!!! I think in much the same way as we're going to see Nol become all the things Kousuke feared, we're going to see that in Alyssa and Shinae. Like... imagine being Alyssa and watching someone like Shinae capture Nol's attention, capture Yui's attention, capture Kousuke's attention. It's because she's so sincere and faces confrontation head on that people take notice of her, but that's something Alyssa has never really been able to learn. She puts on a brave face like Shinae told her, but she can't do the rest of it. She's so terrified of this secret she holds, of what she is and what people will think of her, and she continues to put on a persona to keep it at bay. Meanwhile I think we're going to watch Shinae walk a path Alyssa never could - find her own success by being authentic and true to herself, not having to live in that shell, that mask. Shinae will do everything Alyssa has never been able to do. ;_______;

And yeah, that juxtaposition makes Shinae's insecurity all the more intriguing to explore because she's so insecure about these shallow things, but Alyssa is insecure about the things that DO matter, the things that make Shinae special, and make Alyssa so forgettable.

;_____________________________________;

gonna go sob now HECK

[bluecookies-and-ink]

Who’s YOUR daddy??

Im not a daddy kink girl bc I actually call my father daddy so........

BUT if I had to answer the question objectively its anyone of these fine men.

Ulrich is a cheating ass bitch but Im still down bad.

need I say anything more?

He has bewitched me body and soul.

He's the white douche who has it all should repulse me but something about him just makes me bark.

There's more but im lazy.

As for my father well. He's the dude I gotta thank for my quick temper and ego.

He once walked into the wrong class on Parent day and threw his arm's in the air to disrupt the class and go "HEY EVERYBODY IM BLUEY'S DAD" before I ran in and yanked him out screaming "WRONG CLASS".

He's the guy who used to clean out his children's ears whenever he felt like it. This stopped when I stopped hearing out of one ear and got a giant ball of ear wax flushed out by the pediatrician.

His phone lock screen is of the newest grandkid in the family instead of me or his (inferior) second born.

He didn't believe that he snored until he fell asleep on the floor next to my desk while I was studying and I recorded him to play it back to him.

He once left the house abruptly when I told him someone we knew was harassing me. He came home and said I don't have to worry about the perv anymore bc he broke the fucker's arm.

He recently developed an allergy to shellfish so every time my brother and I eat shrimp we go "This is so good want some? OH WAIT".

He likes the randomly come up to me and start a play fight just to bother me and distract me from my work.

He was the last person to leave my dorm when I moved to college. Btw that first car ride up together where it was me trapped with him and my luggage was the time he thought best to give me the BOY talk and to this day im mortified.

When I was going through a rough time he promised me that even if I failed at getting into my dream career path he would make sure I get a job and be happy in life (idk how but he was so confident that it made me feel better).

He also found his Father's Day present early before we could intercept. I maintain that he had no business just standing outside of the house like the quintessential Indian dad TM and receiving the package from the delivery dude.

[piarelei]

HP Trans Fest 2023

Written for the @hptransfest, self-prompted.

the mortifying ordeal of being by Piarelei

Draco/Harry | M | Detailed warnings in notes (Misgendering, Depression) | Trans Male Draco | Trans Male Harry Potter | Trans Female Astoria Greengrass | T4T | Angst and Fluff | Angst with a Happy Ending | Enemies to Friends to Lovers | and they were roommates

The first step is getting away from his mother. The second, surprisingly, is moving in with Potter.

Includes, but is not limited to: Harry's fantastic cooking skills, Christmas in October, friendship, an emerald necklace, too many crêpes and Draco's disastrous attempts at hiding his feelings.

Why I think you should read it:

It's exactly 33,333 words and if that doesn't show you commitment to the bit, idk what does. (last year's submission was 22,222)

Astoria and Draco are besties and it's the best thing I've ever written. Trans solidarity at its finest.

"Thank you for writing this. For including the awful and ugly bits as well as the soft and joyful ones." @basicallyahedgehog

T4T power couple.

I'm trans, everyone in this is trans. It would be transphobic not to read it at this point. Also, follow @magicaltrans

Not to quote @samyistrying but: "the solidarity is threatening to warm my cold, dead heart" gives a good idea of what's happening.

This is a love letter to friendship and a farewell to daughterhood

[drewsbuzzcut]

idk why i want drama but maybe lyla was already having a bad day but then she goes to jeremy's game to support him, she's sitting with the other wags when a guy near them makes a disgusting comment about her not deserving jeremy and that she's using him blah blah blah and usually she doesn't let comments like that get to her but she was already having a bad day so this one did. the other girls hear and try to comfort her but it's not working, until she's waiting after the game with the other girls by the locker room, the guys start coming out she sees sway and immediately goes into his arms crying which makes him so worried and panic mode immediately

“You don’t deserve Swayman!”

“You’re just using him for two minutes of fame. Your relationship won’t last!”

“He probably cheats on you anyways!”

Lyla feels sick to her stomach. Her fists are clenched and her eyes are laser focused on the game going on. Jeremy being the main focus of her view.

The day hadn’t been great, so the chirps that usually wouldn’t touch the surface, leave her wounded. She fights tooth and nail, internally, to keep her tears at bay. Some of the other wags try to make sure she’s okay, and reassure her that none of those words matter or hold any weight, but the words jumble up and present themselves as static.

For the rest of the game, Lyla drowns out everything except her thoughts. Apparently they don’t go away so easily. Even waiting by the locker rooms for Jeremy doesn’t help. The promise of seeing him happy and excited should be on the forefront of her mind, but she really just wants to leave. She’s afraid that what those people were saying might be true. Not the her using him part- she’d never, but what if she isn’t good enough for Jeremy?

“Lyla?” The quiet voice and gentle hand on her arm snap her out of the daze that’s been haunting her.

She looks up to find Jeremy, warily looking over her. She shakes her head, making the thoughts go away for now. She flashes him a semblance of a smile. He catches on quickly.

“Hi,” she whispers, leaning up on her tip toes and throwing her arms around his neck.

“Hey, baby. What’s wrong?” His body freezes when he feels her tears drop onto his skin. Panic sets in when Lyla shakes her head, trying to avoid his question.

“Talk to me, please,” he whispers in her ear, hands rubbing up and down her back.

“It’s nothing important. Just some fans talking shit and it got to me, because today wasn’t really a good day in the studio. I’m just over exaggerating, though,” she tries to make it not as bad as she feels.

“What did they say?”

“Nothing that matters. I swear I’m fine,” Lyla pulls him closer when he tries to pull away.

“Obviously it does matter because you’re crying. What did they say? Baby, please tell me,” he begs.

He guides her out to the parking lot, so that they have more privacy than before.

“They were just saying that I don’t deserve you, that I’m just using you for fame. They also said that you’re cheating on me,” she mutters, absolutely mortified for letting it get to her.

“Lyla, you know I’d never cheat on you, right? I swear I’d never even think about. I love you. So much. I know that you aren’t using me. You’re way more famous than I am. You do deserve me, and you will always have all of me. I’m yours,” he promises, placing his forehead on hers and placing his hand over her heart.

“I know. I just had a really bad day and I was looking forward to coming to the game. They just completely ruined my night, and I hate that I even let them get to me,” Lyla cries, heart swelling with love as Jeremy wipes away her tears.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re going to go back to my place and we’re going to take a nice bath together. If you want to, you can tell me all about your bad day, but I promise everything will be fine,” he kisses her lips.

“No, no, no. You had a great game, you should be going out to celebrate,” Lyla says.

“I want to be with you. I don’t need to go out, but I do need to make sure my girlfriend is happy,” he argues and she can’t help but let her shoulders fall in relief.

“I love you, Jeremy.”

[consistentsquash]

Author Love Letter! Perverse Idyll!! <3

Actually not just an author. Also Podficcer. Also artist. Also reccer. Also mods a subreddit. Also writes the best comments! Literally incredible how insanely talented and generous @perverse-idyll is.

It blows my mind how PI is super consistently good about treating folks nicely no matter what is going on. Antis, weird asks, folks who don't really own their kinks. PI is super respectful and goes out of her way to help them with recs/ideas/discussion. PI is the total opposite of Snape. Anti Snape. Idk why I love PI and also PI's Snape but it do be like that sometimes! <3

Going to love on new PI fics this time because PI has been super amazing and gave us a lot of new fic in 2023. Also of course everybody should definitely read the old fics which I talked about in 2022 Love Letter

  Candles Lit Against the Dark

Pairings - McGonagall/Hooch + Snarry Hints.

Read it because - this is really the retirement you want. You are going to cry because of the soft/good/happy/healed retirement our big war survivor cast gets. They deserve it. Esp McGonagall who is in the middle. It's her story and she's got the best happily ever after ending possible <3 Definitely not fluff the way we are used to thinking about it because of the undercurrents of the war/trauma in their lives. But you know this is the best fluff I have read because it's like drinking hot chocolate in winter. Literally like candles lit against the dark <3

  Coda to "Soft Touch"

Pairing - Snarry

Read it because - we really need to know what happened after their so totally unethical massage therapy session. It got a soft touch coda actually. Snape and Harry still got their emotional angst going on but it's softer. Definitely more optimistic/hopeful.

  Social Lubricant

Pairing - Snarry

Read it because - Harry is Snape's social lubricant :D It's an out-take from Warm which is a really emotional pwp ~~with rimming~~. PI really spoiled us with loads of soft/gentle moments this year <3 lovelovelove.

The truth was, this "violation of Harry's personal dignity" (according to a mortified Hermione, who'd once had the misfortune to catch them at it) was the reason Harry had invested in full-length formal robes and why he cheerfully accepted every invitation the Ministry peppered him with. Inflict enough boredom on Severus Snape, and the only thing that seemed to compensate for his inability to Incendio everything in sight was unlimited (if undercover) access to Harry Potter's arse.

  The Afterlight

Intense smutty plot with complicated feelings. In another words, Snarry by PI!!! <3

[...] his skin marked by a lifetime of mistakes and sacrifices, broken fingernails and potions burns and brushes with death. It was a map of his existence, and without a doubt Harry was inscribed on it somewhere. Probably all over, to be honest.

also

Harry would definitely, definitely fuck that again.

Gosh, I love PI's Harry POV. Just the Snape descriptions in his voice!!! <3 It's everything. Also this fic got me to ship Snamione. But we don't need to talk about that :D This fic is my goto for new Snarry needs.

  The Threefold Death; or: the Lost World (long version)

A mild, repetitive clack grows louder somewhere ahead. The path slides through the trees, and the garden unfolds, vivid in the silvery light. Like a toy in the hands of a bored child, the unlatched gate bounces aimlessly back and forth, clacking against the fence post. Harry pushes it open and steps over the line dividing the garden from the rest of the world. He's vibrating inside, eaten up with incompatible hungers. He doesn't know if he's choosing weakness or strength. Doesn't know who he's betraying more, only that he's making others pay for his mistakes.

Also an intense fic! I love the really strange and beautiful magic in this fic. It's hard to explain the plot but IMO they should just take this to replace Cursed Child canon because I love the relationship Harry and Al have + the fic is 100x cooler and scarier :D It's like PoA and you are discovering Dementors for the first time through Harry's POV. The perfect Halloween fic.

  Year of the Thestral

This is an intense fic. Also the one fic you should read from this fandom in 2023 if you don't have time/spoons to read anything else. Because this fic not just captures the spirit of the books but also adds a lot more emotional weight/complexity to the DH book. I started this fic for Snape. But omg the McGonagall characterization really, really won me over. A really heavy fic but more in terms of the emotional heaviness. Super sensual, brilliant characterizations, the sex is erotic but also dirtybadhotwrong, the ethics questions are so messy. Like this fic forces you to live with ambiguity/no closure. We get to see the best and worst sides of humanity. It's incredibly, incredibly messy and frightening. But always human. A lot of it really hit me like The Schindler's List. I know that's a pretty out there comparison. But I feel this fic goes somewhere fics don't normally go in terms of showing the horrible compromises, emotional stakes, real horrors, personal motives. I feel this is probably the most intense/direct/intimate take on judgment/forgiveness/war commentary I got from a PI fic.

Victory was the prelude, grief the main theme, and hard work the sequel. A firm believer in such things, Minerva had thought she was ready for it.

[blithesrps]

For any OCs you feel like answering these for!

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

THANK YOU DARLING

I feel like answering for the next gen kiddos today so here we go!

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

Of the kiddos, Falla and Olive mask the least. They're both pretty honest about how they feel and what they think. Olive is a cosplayer and enjoys modeling for her own camera but she doesn't feel like she's putting on a persona or anything. And despite some people who think Falla's apathy is hiding more intense emotions she really is just pretty chill and focused on her tasks at hand. Gigi has such serious siblings, she kind of has unconsciously taken it upon herself to be the bright, happy, fun member of the group. She has a hard time admitting even to herself when she's struggling with negative emotions like anger or hurt, so her mask is definitely one of the carefree lackadaisical variety. Asmina has this desperate need to be in control at all times, and that includes of her own composure. Even if deep down she's a little too passionate to always pull it off, Asmina strives to always seem as cool and collected as her father. Of course, Kana and Ton probably mask the most. What are they hiding exactly? I'm not sure even I know. Kana takes care to always present the image of herself that will accomplish her goals at the time, alternating between friendly and gregarious and stern and focused as the situation needs. Ton's main goal is to pass under the radar so he tries to put forward an unassuming and unthreatening face at all times. He always plays the role of 'good cop' to Kana's occasional 'bad cop'. Even their very best friend and absolute center of their world, Talesin, has only seen their masks drop a handful of times, usually late at night and often when they've pushed themselves to the point of exhaustion and can't manage to keep up the act any longer. They're often quite embarrassed the next morning at having let such weakness show...

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Gigi: Despite being an ace Spelldrive player and wanting to go pro...she's terrified of heights. She's definitely missed a shot because she dropped her gaze from the disk to look down... Olivine: She secretly really really wants to inherit her father's company holdings...she's nowhere near as clever, cut throat or savvy as he is though, so she doesn't think she should really make a shot of it because she'd only disappoint him (and herself). Asmina: She secretly...deep down...very deep down...likes girls. (It's not a secret literally everyone has known for years but her) Kana and Ton absolutely won't spill and Falla spent 15 minutes trying to think of a secret and failed. She's like, "Idk man my brain is too full of lab records and plant breeding schedules to have secrets..." EDIT: Okay actually Falla does have a secret, it's that she was named after her Uncle Falena. Though that's really more of her father's secret since Leona would be mortified if people know he actually did that like UGH...

[wheelie-butch]

Ugh i want to try make a post explaining my like thoughts on a fun way to characterise the Wolfpack alpha but all I can really manage right now is saying I think pretty much all emotion to him should feel like his heart is ripping out his chest and he fucking hates it and hates having an affective response to feelings!!

I think he loves being a werewolf and like has embraced that so much to avoid the horror of it but like a werewolf is half monster half human, the price for leaning too much into the out of control nature of the monster side is you can't stand the out of control human side. And then this ties into the toxic masculinity aspect also like going out of control werewolf violence mode = COOL AND MANLY ACTUALLY. But crying from being sad? Shaking from being scared? WEAK AND SUCKS. Even not necessarily 'negative' emotions are like too much out of control like being noticeably happy (like unable to control tail wagging) about what he feels is the 'wrong stuff' feels stupid and embarrassing. Something revealing like blushing bc of a crush or someone being nice = fucking worst thing in the world, kill him now, etc.

And then to avoid all that stuff or having to think about it he really throws himself into 'safe' activities and ways of being, mostly around being laddish with the pack, because you cant experience the mortifying ordeal of feeling one (1) emotion if you're hanging with the boys 🤪

AND THEN you can put him in situations where he will EXPERIENCE EMOTIONS!! >:) Anyway idk if this makes any sense but these are some thoughts I want to explore in fics potentially :)

[fisheito]

no no, i’m still thinkin about the oranges cuz under the assumptoion that we are flying an eiden-shaped fleshsuit SO MANY of them would provide us with a little citrussnack like. you could go “oh noooo my hands hurt can u pls peel for me 🥺”

yakumo and olivine are the ones who carefully peel the orange, remove the pith bit by bit, and separate orang into segments .... put it on a plate or smth civilized... maybe even feed you by hand and happily watch u eat bc theyre too frikin nice

blade is so eager to help so he tears the thing asunder in 0.03seconds leaving you with a lumpy pithy orb like TA DA!! but idk if he’s ever seen anyone eat an orange so either u bite into the orb OR tell him how to separate the orange.... in which case he will do so with mathematical precision THEN feed u THEN he’d do it with 300x more oranges until u beg him to stop

eiden would approach morvay and ask “can u peel my orange for me” and morvay immediately agrees thinking it’s code for some obscure sex act but then eito’d have to clarify like “no. i just. can you please peel this orange i have with me, so that i may consume it for non-incuban sustenance purposes”  and his disapppointment is visible/audible but he’ll still do it to help u out

aster?? if u manage to reach aster with an unpeeled orange the little man wouold be HORRIFIED, just AGHAST and MORTIFIED that Master made it ALL THE WAY TO THE BIG BOSS HIMSELF without someone peeling the orange for Eiden. Like. what kinda shoddy service ?? Am I running a mansion or a pisshouse? Gonna have to retrain the staff because if y’all aren’t preternaturally predicting eiden’s every need at every second and making him happy, then you are NOT DOING YALLS JOB

edmond??? when he’s busy???? won’t even entertain u and will str8 up walk away but idk maybe if eiden were to pull the big woobly eyes and edmond wasn’t currently busy... well...> he’d prob give in. but he’d do it his way. throw the orange in the air and slice it with his sword so it lands in perfect slices. so his hands don’t get dirty. and the orange’s tastyinness is now accessible WHICH WAS THE GOAL, ULTIAMTELY,,s o do not fight him on the specifics of your request

garu is also so eager to help like he’ll dig into it with his fingies and he might rip off a chunk or two of juicy flesh while he’s at it but he manages to keep most of it intact so u appreciate the effort. the job is eventually complete, albeit a lil mushy and juicy in some parts. this is an excellent chanCe to engorf an entire half out of garu’s hand and chew like a hamster bc i feel like garu’s curiosity and general unstoppable hunger will lead to eiden sharing the orange. u each get a half and we’re all gonna eat like beasts

annoy quincy long enough and he would cave. like he’d have the math gif flying around his head and the longer u bother him, the less work Peeling Orange becomes in comparison. the first stage is just peeling it enough that you receive an orb. If u make an even more insufferable ruckus, quincy will move to stage 2. which is so very meticulously removing every bit of white from that fruit until it is Pure Delicious Sphere. A sizeable percentage will be given to Topper (should he desire) as a labour tax. u can have the leftovers.

as for the fruit gatekeepers.... 

karu would throw the unpeeled thing back at your face. 

rei would contort his face in disdain at your pissbaby tolerance for pain and just go “boohoo cry me a river. peel ur own dam fruit” 

dante or kuya would give you 100 years jail. neither would dare imagine stooping to such servitude. no fruit for u.

[emptybrainstuff]

Why is it that you don't date anyone anymore? Do you have a specific problem with that?

Yeah, i think. No, i know

What is it?

I would rather not say, don't you think everyone are subject to having some things to themselves? I think this is my little secret, something i don't want anyone to know. Not because I'm embarrassed but i just feel like it would be tainted or something if others knew. I want it to be something just between us, me and the person it concerns.

So, you're heartbroken?

Well to be straightforward, yes, I'm heartbroken. I don't think ik how to deal with it, it'll be my own little secret.

Will you reveal it to the concerned person though?

I don't have the guts to do that. Don't you think i would have done it long ago? When i actually could have? When they would have listened? Maybe a part of the reason that i was scared that they would actually listen. Ik i should regret not telling them but i can't bring myself to, just like how i can't, even now.

Have you found a remedy for your broken heart?

Nope, not yet. Every broken heart has its own remedy, its own solution, a unique one at that. For some ppl it's someone, for others it's something and for the other few, it's a dream. Yk ig people seek out the solution actually, for their own betterment and happiness, maybe most people do. Isn't that what life is? Human beings and their wants, their needs. And they spend the rest of their lives chasing to find the solution, a piece to solve the puzzle and salve their heart. I do too. My dreams. But that's not the cause of this broken heart.

Then?

A person. Or maybe i think it's actually my own actions. I rly dk. But yeah, a person.

So? Why don't you go and find your own solution?

You see... The thing is, i don't want to. I don't want to find the solution. Ik it sounds vaguely self-destructive but i don't want to. At least not now and maybe not for a long time... I think because in the subconscious or conscious whatever, i rly want the person to come back and maybe they are the only solution to ever exist for the mortifying pain. I don't think I'd want another solution even if it exists.

Honestly? I feel right at home with the mortifying pain. Am i a masochist?

idk but i don't think it matters.

Comfort. Isn't that what everyone wants? Comfort. Absence of the necessity to feel not judged. Because you know you won't be judged. That's what comfort is. The mortifying ordeal of being known. It's part scary and part exhilarating. It's a weird combination which makes you feel wonderful. Maybe that's what everyone wants. To feel special. To belong.

And this pain? The trickle of blood from the jagged edges where the pieces of my heart had been ripped out? Makes me feel.... Special. Wanted. Unique. Unjudged. It's stupid rly. To get addicted to pain. I can understand if it's another's pain. But your own? That's even sicker. Well, doesn't love make us sick?

It feels horribly wrong for someone else to fill that gaping wound instead of them. Not her soft hand closing the jagged wounds. But rather unfamiliar fingers touching the blood. It feels uncomfortable to even think abt it. Showing my heart to someone? That's easy, the whole, unbroken, full heart. This wretched thing held captive by my ribs? I can't show this to anyone. It's beautifully corrupted. By the hands i want around my neck. To corrupt me indeed, body and soul, mind and heart, skin and flesh. To be corrupted to the point where i can feel nothing but her warm breath, to hear nothing but her singing voice, to see nothing but her smile, to want nothing but her presence. Maybe, if I'm lucky, if truly fate is in its work, i would have the privilege to show her the art, that is my heart, she begot. But like i mentioned, i do not want to find the solution.

Why do you think i suffer alongside my heart with the memories once created? That stay in a place so so so close to reality that i think i might.. might as well go mad? Mad with love. Mad with hate. Mad with the memories my lonely mind created in solitude when you deserted us? Sorry.... when she deserted us. I suffer and suffer more not because of her but because of myself. The constant remembrance of words she bared which lay imprinted on the veins of my heart looks upon the liquid which was once considered precious flowing now with all its use drained from it. I read the same messages again and again hoping that i would find more reasons i could convince my hopeless heart about our love. I rethink all of the moments we spent together analysing what i could have said, what i should have said instead. Maybe then she'd come back.... As if she ever will. It's pathetic really. How i hope she'd return. What could i have said? What could i have done to make her stay, to want her to be by my side. At least to talk to me, talk with me. But what's the point of rethinking all of this when you know that she isn't gonna come back? But i do anyway.

I am just so so tired. I actually don't think I've spent even a single day without thinking about her. It's been more than six entire months. We used to not be able to stop talking to each other even for a day and look where we are now. More than a year. I thought, i really thought i meant more than that.

Don't you think if someone really wants something, they'd work for it? If you really want something, shouldn't you atleast try to make it work? It's cowardly to leave and escape the moment things turn a little bit sour. If it had been me, i would have worked for it, hard. Begged to try and make it work. Cause it was how much she meant to me, our friendship meant to me. It's pathetic tbh, how she was my everything and i didn't matter much after all. But- but how? Even if i mattered less, how was it so easy to just throw me away? Yk what maybe it's actually me. Maybe it's my fault that i would have tried to make it work no matter what. I'm glad, rly happy that she wanted to be better though. Maybe i shld learn how to do that. But what can I do when she is the one who made me better? Made me happy and satisfied and content even when everything was falling apart? It's stupid, it's stupid how much i crave her and that too not even physically but emotionally and mentally. I should have tried better. But I'm angry too. And I'm scared that the dam will one day burst open and spill all that anger at the worst time possible. So i bite tongue and push the words deep into my throat to keep it from spilling out. No matter what, I'll try, atleast try to keep that from happening again.

[kradogsrats]

i am also very normal about chess the musical, pls elaborate on ur lissa feelings (also what is ur favorite recording)

-🏠

I am a basic bitch so my fav is the 2008 Chess in Concert recording with Idina Menzel, which I have definitely watched like... at least 50 times. BUT the Swedish version with Helen Sjöholm and Tommy Körberg also goes extremely hard and anyone who hasn't seen that equivalent of "Nobody's Side" should treat themselves.

ANYWAY like it's really that the entire concept of love in it is that it comes with an expiration date: you hold on to what you have now as best you can, because it will eventually be lost. Even what's ostensibly the "falling in love" song (Heaven Help My Heart) is the most bittersweet possible take on the "rewards of being loved/mortifying ordeal of being known" dichotomy. It's both fatalistic and hopeful: "I love you completely and hope I always will" vs. "where there's truth there will be lies." None of that loss is even anyone's fault, it's simply a thing that happens. (There's some thematic layers in there regarding individuals vs. inexorable forces that I'll let lie.)

But that's all very representative of Lissa to me, that love changes and that's a thing to be expected. Sometimes that change means things have to end, but not always. I don't love my spouse in the same way I did when I was 20 or 25. I still love them just as much... but differently than I did. I'm a different person, and so are they. Lissa loves Viren until she can't, anymore.

Like, probably the character I relate her most to would be Svetlana, and the tragedy of Svetlana is that she no longer loves Anatoly, and in fact she wants to leave him, but in order to get the freedom to do that she's required to convince him to return to their marriage. I wonder a lot about what happens to her, after the ending... Anatoly returns to Russia, but does she leave him? Is she able to take her children with her? (An interesting question since "Someone Else's Story" doesn't reference her children at all, only the desire to leave Anatoly and the possibility of finding love elsewhere. If she wasn't able to take her children, would she still leave? Probably not in 1988, but otherwise?) Does Molokov follow through on the promise of "the life you want, and anywhere you want it" because Anatoly returned? Probably not since he didn't lose, and also Molokov is a dick.

(Side note: the new book production that I saw in 2018 that's much more political went super dark on being explicit that Svetlana at least believes that if she fails, she will be killed... either executed outright, or disappeared to a prison/work camp to die. So y'know, there's that.)

SO YEAH IDK that wasn't very coherent, it's just that Lissa is kind of emblematic to me of a more complex and pragmatic view of love, that it's always a risk (but a risk worth taking) and there really never is a happy ending, just change and mistakes and growing, which sometimes means growing apart.