#idk if it actually was stomach flu or if it was food poisoning or what

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Day 288, and Fierce has COLOR!!! It'll get shading tomorrow; there's a lot going on in that box in particular and I'm getting over a stomach bug of some sort so I don't have the concentration/will power to tackle it tonight @.@

[dutifullyshamelessearthquake]

ITS TIME

ok okay okaaay, thinking about slow build stomach flus. With Cyno ofc. And I won’t apologize. But I’m thinking like, the kind where pain and nausea come and go. But like across the span of a whole day and a half. There be a pang of discomfort and maybe an uncomfortable roll of the stomach…and then it’ll pass and the character is fine again for a good few hours. And for cyno i feel like just because it’s stomach pain and no other symptoms and the nausea comes and goes with a fair amount of time in between he’s like….it’s probably fine? But what I love about a slow build flu is that the other stuff just kinda settles in..I love the idea of a Cyno who (this kinda goes back to the whole getting sick on the night that everyone is out but nari prompt too!!) where all day he’s just like a tiny bit off. He’s getting ready to go out and doing his hair but stops cuz it’s suddenly too much energy. He grabs a drink of water but doesn’t finish it cuz it’s just..not sitting right? But like not even that it’s vaguer. And ofc he’s finding himself dreading nari not being there at first just a little more than normal? Idk the internal feeling of malaise is so interesting to me cuz you’re just sort of dragging… but with the flu it’s unavoidable..

so eventually the pains come more often, and it’s more specifically in the stomach and the nausea kicks up and the dizzy ness too. Maybe it’s by now he’s asking nari to go home, he feels bad and it’s almost like…he can’t escape the gross icky feeling slowly filling him up. His discomfort is just seeping into all parts of him and it’s hard to process why everything (his clothes the lights the room even his favorite card game) feels *bad* que the whole kaveh and alhaitham summoning Tighnari to come get his man cuz he looks likes either gonna puke pass out or cry (or all ??) and they are scared cuz somehow he also looks close to biting one of them…

I ALSO like the idea of a Cyno where they get home and he’s just falling apart (emotional maybe? Frustrated? Overtired?) idk cranky icky baby. His stomach hurts pretty bad now but it still hasn’t reached the point of it being an issue- until the next day. Because there’s something so soul crushing about hoping you’re gonna feel better in the morning and waking up feeling *way worse* and then ofc, the vomiting begins and there’s no way out but through.

ALSO unrelated but related light head Cyno dealing with bad food poisoning and passing out in front of Tighnari for the first time. Idk if I said this before so it so I’m so sorry!! Feel free to ignore if that’s the case lol. But Tighnari calling someone like kaveh or collie or anyone to talk too after Cyno is asleep and confirmed not dying and just breaking down? Yes. But!! Follow it by Cyno calling out to nari from the room, which totally embarrasses him. And Tighnari goes running cuz he’s worried sick but it turns out Cyno wants to comfort HIM! And nari is all no you need sleep but Cyno insists and talks with him until he literally can’t keep his eyes open or maybe the nausea starts to kick up. I just think it would be sweet…Cyno agreeing to not get up with out tighnari there in case he falls and tighnari allowing himself to get some much needed comfort too cuz whole shit that was wild.

I feel like I have more but I’ll chill for now 😂😂 if I remember I’ll speak up FEAR NOT

Oh my word YES!! All this is simply brilliant. And it's so fitting considering I have a Cyno stomach flu prompt to fill next 👀 I might just have to use some of these ideas, if that's alright with you!

I absolutely adore slow build up as well, if it's done right it's just ARGH! I love it! I think it's one of the reasons I enjoyed writing Through the Snow so much. Having a character be primarily fine, but those tiny little hints that something is wrong start to rear their heads. And it's so vague and far between that the character just can't put a finger on something being actually wrong, until things are really wrong.

Ahh all those ideas are so good. I love things just slowly building up the way you described- his arms just starting to feel heavy as he's doing his hair and he just wants to sit for a moment. Deciding to get a glass of water but he can't quite bring himself to finish it. Dreading going out and spending time with friends when that's something he usually loves. Longing for Tighnari's presence in a way that's much too vulnerable-feeling for Cyno's comfort.

AND don't get me started on the going to bed, hoping to sleep it off, waking up feeling worse trope, I freaking love that! Like you said, that absolutely soul-crushing realisation of realising you're not feeling any better, actually no, you feel worse.

It somewhat ties into this vague idea I've been chewing on, I love the idea of a character coming home, (let's go with Tighnari and Cyno, they're the center of attention right now after all) Tighnari coming home, either from a class he couldn't skip or from getting some necessities from the store. And he comes home knowing Cyno isn't feeling well - he's been off for a while now and maybe that morning was the morning he woke up and realised okay he's not feeling good and told Tighnari. And I'm just picturing Tighnari looking for him and finding Cyno looking so vulnerable. The type of vulnerability he usually shows only when he's alone. There are classics like finding him lying on the bathroom floor, or just miserable sitting with his head over the toilet, but the scene I have in head is him just lying on the bed. Curled in on himself, knees drawn up to his stomach, arms close to his chest. His back is to the door and he just looks so small and defeated.

That scene has a very high likelihood of appearing in a fic soon ahh.

And back to what were saying, YES! I remember I had a long ramble a while back about the scenario of Cyno passing out for the first time around Tighnari, and argh, it's another scenario I really want to bring to life in a fic at some point when the story is right for it. I don't want to risk repeating anything I already said in that post (it's late and I'm planning on heading to bed right after I finish typing this out, so my brain definitely isn't at its sharpest) so I'll keep my rambles brief, but I'm so in love with this scenario. And especially Nari in this situation, like he was rattled after that (how couldn't he be??) And I just have this feeling that, even though he's the sick one and this is all entirely outside of his control, Cyno would just have so much immense guilt for 'putting Nari through this.'

ALSO before I wrap up! I did read your follow up ask, and I have thoughts, BUT I'm going to hold off on answering it, just because some of the rambles I wish to ramble relate to my coming fic, and I don't want to spoil anything 👀

[stonedbarbiedoll]

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach 🤮 i feel like a failure. So embarrassed and disgusted and disappointed with myself 😪 I had the first really bad binge in a long time. I dont really know why. I smoked and had great sex. Then after everyone was sleeping, I had a sandwich and was full. Then I had two small pieces of cheese pizza and 4 pastries (each pstry was 100 cal)???? Idk why I punish myself like this for no good reason. It didn't feel good while I was doing but I kept doing it. I literally forced the pieces of pizza bc I was already so full. What kind of fucked up person does that?

Anyways I had a stomach ache all night and slept like shit. Nowwww I am awake for the day and STILL FEELING LIKE SHIT. Physically have a horrible stomach ache, very lethargic, and feel like im going to vomit. Feels like I have the flu or food poisoning or something. Even when I went to walk to bathroom my feet were hurting?

And it serves me right 😂😂😂 im sorry but what the fuck was i thinking?

I was doing well without being too extreme and actually was slowly losing weight. I dont think ill be able to stomach eating anything for the rest of today but I will get back to my ~1,000 calories a day. Im not working and pretty sedentary so 1,000 is fine. I want and NEED to add some exercise to my days, even just a walk.

I have an interview on Monday for a house cleaning job. I feel too fat to interview but if I get this job it will be a job where I will be more active during the day and hopefully lose weight easier.

I feel like just laying in bed and crying but I can't because I have 2 young kids. I need therapy desperately. I have so much healing to do and I want to do it before my kids get any older.

Random vent. I cry at the thought that my "disordered eating" habits started when I was a PRETEEN/TEENAGER (which I most often see teenagers and early 20yo's on ed Tumblr) and I am a 30 year old still struggling 😭😭😭😭 I feel like I shouldn't still be struggling at this age. Anyway.

[yuzukimist]

OKAY this is probably TMI for most of my followers but I could use some additional input on an issue I'm currently struggling with. Trigger warnings for discussion of stress/anxiety (and me rambling).

Okay so I'm noticing a pattern in myself, in that I'm like. Perpetually stressed.

Like all the time. Always stressed. Cannot shut down. There are some moments where I can kick back and relax (usually if I get absorbed in something I enjoy I'm okay but lately I haven't had the energy to really pursue the things I enjoy) but I'm finding that as time goes on I'm having a hard time letting go of feelings of stress even when there's nothing I can immediately do about anything (and sometimes there's not even a specific stressor!)

Also whenever I get particularly stressed I literally get physically ill? Like, cannot eat, heart racing, super nauseous, and then of course I feel like shit because I'm not eating.

(And I have a gnarly fast metabolism so this is actually potentially dangerous apparently, in that I might get faint and keel over or something??? Apparently???)

And at first I thought it was a one-time thing but now I'm realizing it's a thing that happens. Like not often exactly but enough times where I can't help but feel like it's a pattern???

Like I can pinpoint at least 3 times in the last year where I was so super stressed that I literally felt very sick. And I know it wasn't flu or a stomach bug or food poisoning, it was just my body flipping out because I could not stop stressing out.

It is. Super frustrating too because I used to pride myself on not being a chronic worrier? Like, I was very much a "let go of bad feelings if there's nothing I can do" person but suddenly that's changed? For some reason??? Like I don't know if it's the cascade of actual stressors that pushed me to feeling this way and I'm just now noticing because it was so gradual but something is different.

Anyway I'm just wondering at what point should I shoot an email to my doctor and be like "btw I dunno if it's anxiety or depression or Just Me but I am struggling with stress and how it's impacting my life". Like. Is that a thing I can do? Is that something I should ask her about, or is it not within her purview?

Because logically I know what stress can do to a body long-term, I've done my research; the immune system wears down, the cardiovascular system gets funky, the digestive system gets funky, you get swiss cheese brain because there's too much cortisol in your brain/body, etc. And I. Don't want to deal with that any worse than I am already; I already have Swiss cheese brain some days and have trouble falling and staying asleep, I don't want more things to go wrong with myself physically.

And like. Probably this is just a rough patch I'm going through and it will pass like all the other rough patches before it. The other times I felt kind of like this were overcome on my own, with a peculiar combination of stubbornness and mindfulness. I'm a resilient person, and I'm pragmatic and optimistic enough to realize that bad times do not last forever and I could be (probably will be?) doing perfectly fine in a few weeks. I just don't like feeling like this in the meantime. I mean I also don't really want to be given medication or anything because that feels like something that might be hard to come back from later on (plus it's another expense I don't want to stress over!) But i just. I don't know guys!!! Am I allowed to ask my doctor for like. Advice? Like, "I'm feeling stressed, what do you recommend for lifestyle changes?" Or something???

Idk. I'm probably overthinking things. There's a 75% chance I'm just burned out from work and school and Everything and just need, like. Some time?

Anyway sorry for this ramble; I'll probably delete it later out of mortification. 😅

[nostalgiaispeace]

1500.

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? um neither Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? yeah What is the last thing you tried on in a store? idk Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is? no Do you ever sleep through your alarm? once in a blue moon

Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? she’s decent. When did you realise you are no longer a child? when i was a teen? Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes? noooo Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? no

Does your best friend wear makeup? i don’t think they do. Sami might once in a while? Who is someone you do not understand at all? everyone What is your morning routine? get home, help my husband get ready for work, shower, read my bible, read in general, go to bed. Have you already met your true love? yes Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? yeah Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? fix Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail? yeah Do you ever go to Plyrics.com? no

Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living? who cares Do veggies gross you out? some do Do you know what Bluekaffee is? nope Chicken burger, fish burger or ham burger? hamburger What is the best brand of ketchup? none Would you run down the street completely naked for 1,000$? sure Have you ever dated someone in secret? no How do you get splinters out? with tweezers What is something all relationships need to be healthy? trust, communication Do you know who sings ‘Lover I don’t have to love’? nope Do you bring pillows and blankets on road trips? yes If a stranger adds you on facebook, do you add them back? no Does walking by yourself make you nervous? sometimes When dog’s bark, do you think it actually sounds like ‘ruff’? sometimes What about when cows moo? yeah How far is the airport from your house? 15 minutes? CSI or Crimnal Minds? - Can you make cookies from scratch? sure Do you ever send people good morning texts? no Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? no Do you kiss your pets? yes Have you ever forgotten where you parked your car? yeah Does your leg itch right now? yeah What’s worse then a stomach flu? food poisoning Can you fall asleep in cars? not really Why did you go to church the last time you went? something for my sister i think Who made you dinner last night? ramen Do you say mag or magazine? magazine Would you rather marry someone repulsive or be alone forever? forever alone Would your parents approve of you dating someone of a different race? doesn’t matter i’m married How old is the oldest person you know? dunno Do you think Americans are pigs? no What was on the last sandwich you ate? idk Whose the last person who asked your name? idk Remember the loot bags you used to get at birthdays? Weren’t they awesome? yesss When is the last time you saw a monkey on TV? idk Do you buy scratch tickets? no Who has it easier: adults or teenagers? Why? teens. they don’t have responsibilities What’s the last thing you spent over twenty dollars on? food? Would you be sad if you were 50 and still not married? i am married Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? probably Do you know anyone with a million middle names? nope Are brand name food items really better then store brand ones? sometimes Is ceaser salad the best kind of salad? no Is it dark out yet? yes Do you believe that love is just an excuse to get hurt? no Is there a Booster Juice in your city? idk If its called INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes, why isnt there one in Canada? idk Do hugs help when you’re sad? sometimes How did you meet the last person you kissed? at his cousin’s bday party Do you buy more things online or in stores? stores

What is the best thing to eat with fish? nothing Isn’t it annoying when people treat music like a trend? sure Do online dating sites ever work? no idea

[emeto-things]

My Emetophobia Story!

Hi my name is Abby and I’ve had emetophobia since 2011 when I was only 8 years old. It was the winter and the flu was going around. My brother got it, and for some reason he makes himself sick on purpose so he can feel better? Idk. Either way, my bedroom was next door to the bathroom. I woke up to the horrendous sound of g* and v*. I ran into my parents room and asked my mom what was going. She told me he was purposefully making himself sick and that everything was okay. After shaking and crying, I went to bed and couldn’t sleep because it made me so awake. I ended up catching the flu a couple hours later. I was so worried that I was gonna v* too and my mom could NOT convince me that it wasn’t part of the flu and he didn’t that on purpose. The whole time I had the flu I slept barely any, constantly worrying i’d v*. Thankfully I didn’t! After the flu was gone, I was back to my normal self. Until 2013, when I was 10. I was talking to a pen pal online and we decided to make a movie together. I was in charge of everything, and she’d call me everyday asking if I had worked on it. It stressed me out so much that I developed anxiety. Later that year, I was in the car and felt totally fine but had a scary thought of “what if I get motion sickness?” I had motion sickness when I was younger and I still might I just don’t wanna test it. I started to cry and shake uncontrollably and I didn’t know why. I guess that was my first glimpse of a panic attack but I didn’t know such thing existed back then. I realized my friend was not so much of a good friend after all and decided to cut ties with her. My anxiety kinda disappeared again. I then started to develop OCD. I would constantly check her social media’s and read our old messages obsessively to the point i’d Be sad that I left her. It took me monthsss to get over that. But I eventually did. In 2014, my fears got far behind me and I was having a really good life. I don’t remember having anxiety at all much that year. It was the best year ever to this day. In early 2015 when I was 12, I started having strange, violent thoughts. I’d be sleeping with my dog and get a random “urge” to want to shove him off the bed and hurt him. The thoughts scared me so much since I love him and would never want to hurt him. I started having them more. I’d have an “urge” to kill a family member or poison them. It made me so uncomfortable and scared and I thought I had a serious problem and was going to end up a serial killer. It wasn’t until a few months later I was researching OCD and found that those thoughts are an extremely common OCD symptom and that you’d never actually act on it. I felt so much better! I found out I wasn’t a crazy person! Now I don’t even have those thoughts anymore. I was going pretty good until April 2015. I had been in an art class for about 6 months, but I’m this particular day I went, apparently a sv* was going around but I didn’t know about it. And apparently someone in my class was s* and still came in. It was a very tight class with a lot of kids and we were all sharing the same markers and pens and pencils and one girl (I believe who was the s* one) coughed with her mouth open all the time and we sat literally right next to each other that I could feel her breath on me. I didn’t have emetophobia then so I didn’t get all freaked out. Besides, I didn’t even know anyone was sick! If I did, I wouldn’t have gone. Not because I was scared but because of common sense. (This part may be a little triggering but i’ll Try not to be. Skip this part if you want.) 2 nights later, I’m asleep. I wake up around 4am with a very bad feeling. I didn’t think I was s* I just didn’t feel good. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I had a small stomach ache, I was kinda dizzy and my head felt really gross. I was also kinda hot & cold and kept having weird dreams every time I’d start to fall asleep. Since I had anxiety in the past, I figured it was just anxiety so I googled ways to calm down and then eventually, my stomach ache went away and I fell asleep. I was extremely tired & basically fell asleep during a small panic attack which is unusual. I woke up again at 7am and I remember my first thoughts were “omg I feel even worse than I did earlier” and I rubbed my head and felt kinda hot. Idk how to describe how I felt it was just horrible. I went on my iPod and went on twitter and was watching YouTube videos to keep my mind off of whatever I was feeling. I then suddenly just g*d. I went into my moms room and told her I had been feeling bad for a while and didn’t know why. She asked me if I was nervous about anything and I said no. I told her I hoped I wasn’t sick. We were counting the days of places I’ve been to see if it was a possibility for me to be sick. And when I said “I went to my art class the other day” my mom realized that could be a possibility but didn’t wanna say anything. She said she still thought I probably wasn’t s* though. I went back to bed and watched more YouTube videos. I suddenly got reaaaaaally tired and decided to listen to calming music. I put on a song and in the song, someone made a noise that sounded like a g* and that triggered my reflex since I was already feeling it anyway. I knew v* was about to happen but I kept on keeping it from happen. I even started to feel better. So I told my mom I was feeling better and would be downstairs for breakfast soon. I got dressed like I normally would, just feeling tired but not really s*. I went downstairs and got a banana and sat on the couch next to my mom. I ate two bites and started to feel s* again. She had on a cooking show which obviously didn’t make me feel any better. I told a joke to my mom that made me start laughing hard and then my headache and pain all came back. I went from laughing to g* within seconds and then it happened. I rushed to the sink, did my thing and then that was it. I ran back to the living room and started crying like crazy and screaming “what is wrong with me???” But thankfully I didn’t get s* again but I was just super tired and drained the whole day. But we had a birthday party at my house that night since I was feeling better. Since that day, everything has changed. The very next day, I started wondering about every bodily symptom that before then I would’ve totally ignored. Just thinking of bananas sent me into panic, my mom couldn’t watch her cooking show around me and the smallest stomach pain would send me into a panic spiral. Over the summer I got really busy and my phobia got pushed aside. I still worried about it more than I ever did before but I wasn’t panicking and I could get my mind off of it pretty easily. I even got to meet my favorite band (The Vamps) that summer! Which totally distracted me from everything. It was going pretty good until October 2015. I went to Starbucks and got a pumpkin coffee, and had a strange thought of “what if I’m allergic to pumpkin?” And I started to have trouble breathing (not because a health issue, it was my anxiety - but I didn’t know that then.) I calmed down, and the day went on like normal. That night, my family came over and I was in my room singing. I got extremely hot out of nowhere, so I ripped my boots, jacket and scarf off and turned on my fan. I got even more hot. Then my lips went tingly and so did my hands and feet. Then I started getting really dizzy. I ran downstairs to my mom. I had NO idea what was happening. I cried for hours and my grandma (who also has anxiety) helped me and told me it was a panic attack and how she has had them before. They really calmed me down, and after it was over I was so thankful and was glad i’d Probably never experience another one. I was wrong. The next morning, the panic symptoms came back and I was on the verge of another one. I had a panic attack everyday for around 2-3 weeks. I was miserable, tired and my nerves never got a chance to relax because any time I was almost calm, I would panic again. At the same time, my dad lost his job, my brother had a horrible cold that I caught (I’m not even telling that story because it’s too long. I didn’t v* though!!!) and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. Christmas that year was a total blur because I was so sleep deprived and out of it that I honestly barely remember what happened. In 2016, my anxiety got a lot better. I was still very careful and worried a lot but I wasn’t panicking all the time. I developed OCD hard core though. I couldn’t do simple tasks like cleaning my room because I would have to refill a certain article of clothing 50+ times due to my OCD. My OCD would say “if you don’t fold it like this, you’ll get s*” so I listened to it. I feel like I was dead that whole year. My hair was dry and brittle and almost coming out because I stayed in the shower so long trying to get clean and I brushed my hair super hard because my OCD told me it was the only thing to prevent s* from happening. Thanks to a lovely girl online who helped me with OCD and the help of praying, my OCD went away almost completely!! I was so happy. This was in January 2017 when I was 14. My family had a stressful year though due to family problems. But around June 2017, my anxiety and emetophobia started to pick up again and it’s been bad again ever since. I worry about food and viruses more than I ever have and I’m starting to have panic attacks again. So sadly, that’s where I am now. 15 years old atm. My life is still pretty good I guess. I don’t have controlling OCD anymore, and since I’m older I’m able to think more logically than I used to. But I’m nowhere near recovery yet. Hopefully soon! Sadly, I can’t end my story on a positive note because I have recovered yet. But for all of you out there dealing with this horrible phobia, I know what you’re going through. You’re not alone. I know what it feels like to shaky uncontrollably worrying that any second you’ll be s*. I know what fake n* feels like. I know what worrying to the point you just want to sleep feels like. I know what it feels like to want to die than rather be s*. I know what you feel like! I’ve felt it several times and it’s horrible. But we can get through this together. We are so much stronger than we think we are and we won’t let this phobia beat us. I know it can be so controlling, but we can do it. Getting s* is soooo uncommon. People rarely ever v* and if they do, it’s because they were doing something us careful people wouldn’t. We are so careful that we have way less of a chance than people who aren’t like us - and even they won’t be s*!! Don’t worry. You will be okay. Remember all the times you’ve felt this way and been scared all for nothing. Each time you have a panic attack, it makes you stronger. And remember not to google your symptoms. Google doesn’t know everything and there’s a lot of liars and people who don’t know much out there. Some people probably post things just to scare us health freaks! You’re going to be okay. And you won’t be s*. Keep telling yourself that! You’re okay and we’ll get through this, together. Stay strong my loves!❤️❤️❤️

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #72

hey ya’ll, kinda conflicting moods in this survey; the earlier, dreary-sounding answers, please do not worry about them, as i took this over the course of longer than a week.  i was hospitalized this past week and am currently home safe again.  i just don’t feel like going back changing answers, lol.

are you currently distressed about anything?   yes, quite a bit.  i found the gem to the ring jason gave me, but i can't find the ring itself... i really wanna fix it and wear it.  i'm pretty damn upset about the situation, considering how much i cherish anything i've ever had from him. do you like your pop tarts toasted or cold?   i like them how they are in the package. do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom?   i prefer the front, 'cuz i can see better and i feel more obligated to engage. what’s your least favorite flavor of candy?   orange do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?   no. which is worse: living where there’s lots of tornadoes or lots of hurricanes?   tornadoes, definitely.  i live where there are plenty of hurricanes, and the last one we had that was truly devastating was floyd, and that occurred when i was a very young child.  tornadoes, meanwhile, are more immediately dangerous. have you ever seen a black rose?   no, but i would loooove to... do you like pie?   no, actually. if you died right now, how would you feel about your life?   it was a nightmare. do you have any morbid interests?   gore and guts.  bones.  death itself, kinda. if someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?   no.  i'm currently waiting for the suicide hotline's online chat room to open up.  i've been a wreck all evening and google searched something i shouldn't have; google gave me the number to the hotline as well as the option to chat online.  i broke the fuck down.  i've been waiting for a spot to open for like ten minutes... have you ever thrown up from working out?   no, but i know i've been close. do you have any gay family members?   i think i have an uncle who is? would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn?   fuck yes i would be. (new day.) would you date someone who still lived with their parents?   uhhh, why wouldn't i...? would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them?   nope. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   very much so. would you watch a porno with your partner?   absolutely not. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends?   errr... i hate admitting this, but no.  it's suspicious. coffee or tea?   i have a strong dislike of both, really. when was the last time you climbed a tree?
   never; nc doesn't really have climbable trees, just pines. what clubs do/did you participate in at school?
   i was in the art club and shit, what was it called... it was for honors students... what is something you and your best friend say/do that seems strange to an outsider?
   act gay as hecke do you like to sleep near the wall, the middle, or the open side of the bed?
   open side. what’s the strangest rumor that has ever been spread about you?
   a rumor started in high school that jason and i had had a baby.  a rachel is who told the person who told me, soooo i'm not stupid.  i know which rachel started it. how involved were you in the drama of your high school?   not at all. do you like to cuddle while you are sleeping?   all night, no.  when jason and i were dating, i would usually begin sleeping cuddled with him, but would pull away during the night because i got hot. what are you favorite places to be touched?
   i'm guessing you mean sexually?  personally my breasts are very sensitive to touch. do you like lip biting?   again, in a sexual context?  sure. describe your first date.   jason took mom and me to see "ghost rider 2."  i personally thought it was very cute that he wanted mom to come, too. what really goes on in your head?   memories, poisoned with remorse.  i'm always looking back and missing how things used to be.  death and decay goes on in my head.  passions pass away, and the darkness that i try so hard to keep in the back of mind envelops its entirety more and more each time i weaken.  i don't mean to sound all dark or poetic, it's just... how i describe things.  i wish just one person would understand exactly what's happening up there. do other people’s opinions mean anything to you?   sometimes. have you ever just wanted to run away to see who would follow?   i have run away, and nearly got the police on my ass. have you ever had a hamster as a pet?   multiple times.  all were assholes. who do you really need in your life?   jason.  yet he's not here. way down in there’s any part of you sad at all?   all parts of me are sad. what’s your favorite type of insect?   i really love butterflies, moths, dragonflies, ladybugs... is there anything worrying you right now? if so, have you talked to anyone about it?   when am i not worried...  i'm so scared jason won't come back.  the last person i talked to about it was virginia, his mom.  i was suicidal last night and was very, very sincerely contemplating killing myself, and i wanted to talk to him, because i feel like he's the only one who can talk me out of it.  so i found their number and called their house past midnight.  i talked to virginia; jason had just gone to bed, and she didn't want to wake him up.  she's such a sweet woman...  she tried so hard to help, but it was all in vain. apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?   cry, i'm sure. does anyone see you as a role model?   i'm certain that's a no. what is something that you’ve recently learned?   it's very likely i have bpd. what is your most expensive possession?   the laptop jason gave me... but it's broken right now. what’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had?   aside from mental illness, the worst physical illness was just a REALLY bad stomach virus.  i've never even had the flu. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day?
   if i ever get married... then yeah.  it's one of my fairytales. what kind of music do you tend to like?   heavy metal, some harder rock. do you have any mental disorders?   and they're going to kill me. do you believe everything happens for a reason?   fuck that. do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart?   yes. do you live in the moment?   i live in the past. how many more minutes until you will next eat?   i should've eaten an hour ago.  but i'm too upset to be hungry. what do/did you normally get detentions for?   i only ever got detention for too many tardies. what do you currently hear?   "i don't love you" by my chemical romance, my typing, my sniffling, and my heart pounding in my head. do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids?   i won't have kids anyway.  i don't even know why i'm spending my time doing this survey.  i'm procrastinating on looking for any sleeping pills in the house.  i'm done. do you like the band a skylit drive?   i like their cover of "love the way you lie" who’s someone you want to see right now?   jason.  he could stop this.  i know he could. have you ever been stung by anything?   no, i haven't. have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to?   no, i fucking hate people who do that. are you paranoid?   only always. (next week) are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments?   nope. would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? which one seems best?   hmmm.  teleport, i guess. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite?   i sadly do.  i loooove mountain dew, and i really hate pepsi. does it annoy you when surveys ask questions about controversial topics, or do you like arguing your point?   i like controversial questions, honestly.  i like making a point. are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done?   the only piercing i would never get, even for a ludicrous amount of money, is around my private area.  nope. assuming you had sufficient funds, would you be capable of living alone, paying bills and looking after yourself properly?   honestly, no.  probably not. do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby?   meeee! were either of your parents baptized?   idk the last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit?   ha ha omg, a mosh pit at an alice cooper concert in north carolina... that'd be a sight to see. does your bathroom have a theme to it?   nope. when you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken?   burgers, almost always. are you self-conscious of your smile?   yes, because my eyes squint. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?   writing.  sometimes drawing. what color do you really want to dye your hair?   GRAY.  mom won't let me. :( sunrise or sunset?   sunset is prettier, imo. what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?   i love some of the petnames colleen calls me, honestly.  it's just sweet. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.   socks suck.  period.  i avoid them at all costs. have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?   how flexible you think i am, fam? do you play the wii?   very rarely. be honest, did fifty shades of grey arouse you in any way?   i didn't read/watch it, and i have no plans to. do have faith in yourself?   lmao did you parents know what gender you were before you were born?   i'm not sure, actually.  i do know, however, everyone first thought i was a boy; i always had my legs crossed in the ultrasound.  mom, however, "knew" i was a girl. does your mother still take care of you if you get ill?   not really.  like i guess if i called her to get me some ginger ale or something, she'd do it, but i kinda just take care of myself. is there a certain topic that you struggle to talk about, because it makes you feel uncomfortable?   not really. if you’re not in college, why?   because i mentally cannot handle the stress it causes. do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it?  after all, it is a normal bodily function.   i'm very discreet about it normally, just because of social standards.  around family and very close friends, i don't give a shit. do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]?   i like the fruity flavors. what do you think is the dumbest / tackiest piercing?   i don't really know. have you ever requested a song on the radio?   no. would you ever dye your hair black?   i have before and i loved it. when did you last see the person you love/like? when will you next see them?   i saw him yesterday... and i probably never will again... is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind atm? do you think that person will be thinking about you too?   he always is, and i can absolutely guarantee he's not thinking about me. do you know the star sign of the last person you kissed?   he's an aquarius, like me. what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it?   got sexual on my parents' bed, i guess. who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? are you attracted to that person?   jason, and yeah... do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind?   no, i'm not allowed to.  i overdosed the other day. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.?   sauce, always. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not?   no, because love should be very openly celebrated. do you think teenagers can be in love?   absolutely.  i was and still am now from the same relationship as an adult. how fast does your mood change?   0-100 real quick, boo. at this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you who’s would it be?   uhhh... literally no one's.  i just wouldn't.  well uh, i guess if it was life or death, uhhh... probably jason's, honestly??  but realistically, i never would get anyone's?? what’s your all-time favorite COMEDY movie?   hm.  maybe "white chicks" or "rush hour 2" how old is your most recent ex?   he's 23. how many keys are on your key chain?   two how does your hair look right now?   it's all big and suuuuper curly!!!  chelsea did it. :D does your house have a white picket fence?   nope. do you wear bracelets?   no, never. when was the last time you had sex?   never. #regret do you have a wild side?   only j's seen it, honestly... heh. what is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house?   literally.  nothing. who did you last have an alcoholic drink with?   chelsea.  good day. where do you plan on living within the next few years?   probably the same 'ole north carolina. do you have an addiction?   debatably the internet, but i honestly consider it more of a dependence. if you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?   2016, absolutely. do you believe you should change who you are for the person you love?   to a degree, sure. when you’re home alone, do you still keep the door closed when you shower?   the bathroom door is open, my room door is closed. do you currently have a hickey?   i wish ha ha. now your cell phone, what color is it?   black. how many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed?   plenty of times. what color is your hair?   ruby red, with redder highlights and brown roots coming in. your parents are divorced/married/separated?   divorced have you ever let someone be your everything?   and i'm a broken person because of it. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like?   no.  he made it clear i deserve to suffer for giving up. have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?   ahhh, yes. (: have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed?   no. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside.  feel safer/cozier. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, sure, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?   i don't think so... but maybe for dance? do you always wear your seat belt?   yep. have you ever liked someone much older than you?   not seriously. are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   oh god.  heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, asthma, cancer, depression, bipolarity, more shit i'm forgetting... do you have asthma?   no. are tongue piercings slutty?   ... no? last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yep. what’s your second favorite color?   pink, probably. how many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before?   never. what sexual kinks do you personally enjoy, if any?   i actually had to look up some kinks bc idk if some things are considered kinks or not?  evidently even something as common as spanking is, and i'm into that very mildly.  anr (i think that's be abbreviation, probably wrong...) is something that's like guaranteed to turn me on.  i also like feeling/acting sexually submissive in general, but i deeefinitely wouldn't consider it to the point of the dom/sub kink. ever faked an orgasm?   no. own some type of work out machine?   not anymore. ever wanted to be a vet?   i did as a child, yes. ever flashed someone you liked?   i maybe have to jason, while alone with him, but even then i'm not certain i ever have. ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   first job i had for a month or two.  second, like, four days. do you have a favorite sexual position, even if you’re a virgin?   missionary is all i've ever tried and i'm fine with that. ever done oral? with how many people?   yes, one. what condom brand do you use?   i don't use them because i don't have sex.  on the one occasion jason bought condoms just to be safe in case we chose to, i'm not sure what brand he got... do you use flavored/scented/glow-in-the-dark/neon/ribbed condoms?   again, i don't use them, but also once more, on the one occasion jason bought some, they were just normal. what about facebook - do your grandparents use facebook?   my maternal grandmother does. do you have any text messages from your ex, or have you deleted them all?   no.  the phone i've had i got after the breakup, so. tell me 3 facts about the first person you had a relationship with.   i've "dated" three people, but i've definitely only had a romantic relationship with one, so i'm using him in this question.  he loves games of all kinds, he's a huge joker (particularly heath ledger's) fan, and he's studying computer engineering/he's in his last semester. think about your last ex. do you still find him/her attractive?   he's very handsome, yes. do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?   i never will. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   nope. if someone were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?   the only person i'd say yes to would be jason. what was the last thing you took medication for?   my tremors. if someone offered you sex right now, how would you respond?   again, i'd only yes to jason. do you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?   i don't think i found the person, i know i did.  yet i can't. be honest, what do you want more than anything at this moment in time?   i just want to cuddle with jason. have you had any conversations recently that made you feel uncomfortable or upset?   i talked to jason, face-to-face, two days ago to assist me in gaining closure.  very long story short, i was quiiite upset after he left. what’s the farthest away from home you have ever been?   michigan the last person you had a thing with calls wanting to hang out. what do you do?   say "of course!" in probably the most excited voice ever. what is your favorite shade of blue?   hmm.  navy, i assume. what ozzy lyric describes you best?   a suRVEY QUESTION REGARDING MY FAVORITE ARTIST???  HELL YEAH!!  anyway, i've felt a resonance with "you don't have to leave the lights on; i'm so used to being blind" from "tomorrow" for many years. what was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most?   giving up on just that: life. what is love really about?   it's science, but also something inexplicable.  it's the perfect combination of your brain's "happy hormones," and only that one person can achieve that certain mixture.  granted, there are different kinds of love, and each one is unique. what metallica lyric most describes your life?   wHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, ANOTHER QUESTION W/ ANOTHER FAVORITE ARTIST???  I WANNA MARRY THE SURVEY MAKER PLS.  um anyway let's see, i could really list a few.  first, i wanna say i feel a VERY strong connection to "the unforgiven ii" as a whole; all the lyrics mean very much to me.  but if you want a particular lyric, these couple mean the world: "how can i be lost, if i've got nowhere to go? / and how can i blame you, when it's me i can't forgive?" from "the unforgiven iii"  omgggg i could keep going on ;-; ever been to ozzfest?   girl, I WISH. what's the most illegal thing you've done?   just downloading music.  wait actually, probably downloading an expensive program illegally. ever have a tornado in your town?   i don't think so. what percentile of your class were you in?   idk about numbers, but the very top.  i got an award for it.  idk what ever happened... can you name every place you've ever had sex?   i've never had sex, but i've gotten sexual on my bed, his bed, the floor, the couch, the chaise... what forms of birth control have you used?   abstinence is... pretty flawless. handcuffs or rope :D?   errr, i'm guessing you're addressing being tied up sexually?  i'm... kinda into the idea of being handcuffed to something, maybe. *shrugs* ever grown any plants before? what were they?   habaneros, zinnias, sunflowers... how many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide?   three.  i was going to slit my throat on two occasions, and on the last, i overdosed. what is your favorite cover song?   "hurt" by johnny cash.  "another brick in the wall" by korn is a close second. ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months?   nope. strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?   idk, i guess just getting tubes put in my ears. if you ever got a tattoo, where would you get it?   i already have three and want loads more like... everywhere.  most specifically though, i think sternum tattoos are drop-dead gorgeous. could you ever go vegetarian?   no.  i enjoy meat too much. how do you fall asleep? [i.e, listening to music, reading, daydreaming…]   just thinking... have you ever been chased by bees?   omg no. what is your opinion on homosexuality?   it's a mutation, but that does not make it wrong. what is your biggest fear in life?   being alone in life.  not being able to function properly in the "real world" is a close second. when was the last time you kissed someone?   2015 are you sick quite often or hardly at all?   hardly at all.  proud of that 'ole immune system. has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   apparently. do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more?   chocolate, definitely. does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much?   no, but i actually have noticed something: it began to bother me ever so slightly more after jason passed out from me getting my blood taken that one time.  i think it's because of how i look up to and see him in general, seeing him react to something like that, a part of my brain wants to believe "omg that has to be dangerous then."  but in general, i don't really have issue with getting my blood drawn. who would you say is your best friend at the moment?   colleen.  always. how long have you two been best friends?   over two years. do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   it's not something i dwell on, but i know i'm not. have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?   i have, and i'm bad at it. have you ever been admitted to the hospital?   only six times. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies, i think. how old is your pet?   teddy is ten, cali isss... three, i think, bentley's not even a year, and lexi is around two, probs. do you listen to artists who consist more of guys, girls, or both?   i seem to prefer male artists. what’s your first tattoo?   a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. what song do you listen to when you’re sad?   "perfectly flawed" by otep is common.  hence my tattoo. <3 is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?   not anymore. are you scared about the end of the world?   not really, because i don't think i'll be around to see it. will you ever get a tattoo?   i have three and want more.  my next tattoo will be an adaptation of "denialism" by deviantart's tatchit.  look it up, it is honestly a phenomenal work of art. when you get yelled at, do you yell back or let it go?   well first, i get triggered.  yelling triggers memories of my parents fighting so much.  odds are, i'll yell back, but it really depends. do you share a computer with your siblings?   nooo. do you have mood swings?   badly. do you have any bruises on you?   yes, from getting my blood drawn so much recently.  the iv left a good one. have you had sex today?   girl, i wish. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?   plenty of times. be honest with yourself, are you proud of your actions?   some yes, some no.  it just.  varies.  for the most part, i guess so, like i can't deny i'm a fighter, but i just feel weak sometimes. if you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?   honestly, i would get a tiny heart on the side of my face if it wasn't for societal standards and the strong odds of unemployment for having a tat on my face. what is something you find romantic?   flowers, picnics, walks in the park, oh man, i could go on for HOURS.  you can make SO many things romantic. what makes you attracted to the person you like right now?   his personality. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?   rape is #1 for me.  just don't. would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?   castle, hell yeah!! has someone ever made you a build-a-bear?   OMG NO I WOULD DIE THAT'D BE PRECIOUS what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. what is your definition of “having sex”?   penal-vaginal penetration. who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)?   jason. do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? do you think age differences like that (when they’re under 18) should be legal?   they should absolutely not be legal.  just... no.  i don't support big age gaps like that. what do you think of open relationships? if your partner suggested it, what would you say?   HA.  no.  and if he suggested it, i'd leave his ass. would you ever date out of your race?   mhmm. have you ever had a reptile for a pet?   i've had one lizard, two snakes. what kinds of alcohol do you like?   only ever tried mike's hard lemonade and smirnoff, and both are fine. did you have a swing set when you were a kid?   yup. state you most want to visit?   utah.  fucking gorgeous. were you popular in high school?   definitely not. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind, definitely.  i once asked jason this and he said blind, too, "because i have to be able to hear your voice." ;;;-;;; where do you want to live when you are old?   in the mountains, in the woods, in the chilly weather, pls. have you ever been in love?   absolutely.  with reckless abandon. have you ever caught a fish?   many many times. what was your most recent ex’s middle name?   alex. do you put anything weird on your scrambled eggs? (like syrup)   just hot sauce. what is your states minimum wage?   $7.25, save us.