#idk im just so proud of myself for being able to like. talk to guys now NDJDJJDJDJDJD

[shakespearean-dream]

TW!!! — blood, scarring and mild body horror ahead 🥲

benny’s turn!

before i start i wanna clarify i hesitated a bit on posting this because lovely mutual @vor-leser just posted his benny interpretation (go look at it and follow him btw), and idk if we like mind melded or smth but our human benny’s are super similar LOL. i damn near scrapped the whole thing out of fear someone would get mad at me but i Would Not be able to start over and get this done ever so this is as good as we’re gonna get. 😭 my apologies niko love u /p

this has been like a full 7 days in the making 😭😭 the art block that i felt coming on while doing ellen and ted hit me like an optimus prime sized semi truck this week along with a depressive episode so i definitely appreciate that happening and i am not upset about it at all! /s i’m totally good so don’t worry or anything /gen, mental health is just weird and i also wanted to explain the gap in my posts 😔

i do not know how to feel about this drawing if i’m so fr with you; i’m proud of myself for AM-ified benny cause i think i got the slowly rotting from the inside out primal freak energy down pretty good, but on the other hand this feels kinda empty?? i usually have a lot more commentary squished in here but i think my brain’s a little fried 🤦‍♂️ i love drawing me some beautiful buff men though so drawing normal ben was familiar territory. however his wack ass haircut i gave him is his punishment for being a PRICK!!! go sit in the corner and think about ur actions benjamin.

like ted n the rest of the sillies i’m not straying too far from canon with his personality, he’s an ass and a murderer and a hella smart dickhead who desperately needs to be punished by the universe (thank you for that one AM). hot take i did not like his “redemption arc” in his game scenario and i don’t think with how he was throughout the entirety of his life (and also throughout the game, main example his inner dialogue) he would actually go out of his way to help the kid because he means it??? n prove he changed to the guys he killed cause he means it??? i dunno maybe AM torturing him made him have a main character “omg i’ve been in the wrong this whole time!!1” moment like the game suggests i’m just not buying it 💀 i’m sure it’s just cause bennys scenario couldn’t be too long and they couldn’t fully flesh him out which i won’t fault the game makers for. i’m a steven universe fan, i know what time constrictions can do to a plot and redemption arc 😭 looking at you white diamond…

his wife n kids are up top and they’re kinda neat to me— i was considering the hc that part of the reason manya (his canon wife) left him is because she realized she was a lesbian which would be funny as fuck considering benny’s also One Of Them Queers 😭. i think during the brief times he was home and able to parent his daughters they got really scared and tired of him, one because he’s just a very threatening powerful and overbearing man, but also because i feel like he would’ve been on their ASS about everything. grades, extracurriculars, friends, wardrobe, this guy was micromanaging his family to an annoying extreme (ofc because of his perfectionist complex). he probably loved manya and the kids in his own weird way, but it was more contractual to him than any real personal relationship. maybe he inherited that from his own parents?? i doubt he ever talked to them after he moved out.

that’s about the end of my thoughts on this fucker. 🥲 funny storyyyy i just remembered i have laundry to finish so im gonna go do that, lord help me. thank you for reading all this if you did!!!!! we’re over halfway through so who do yall want next? wanna save AM or nimdok for last? i’ll see u guys later :]]]

[bangcakes]

.

[strwbrymlkshake]

I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance

[feistyvirghoe]

*♡∞:｡.｡ ᴀʟʟ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ? ~ 18+ ˚₊·➳❥ PILE 1 -3◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

PILE 1 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

(this pile was long af, tumblr wouldn’t let me paste everything so hopefully you guys can read this well! i’m sorry!)

PILE 2 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

PILE 3 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

(rest of pile 3-sorry for how the messages came out in your pile but you needed to hear this, just to be aware and not fall for facades)

well we got someone here who don’t wanna play games with you, take you home, rub you down, pamper you, explore your body, making love to every part of your body, watching your movements and where your sweet spots are, this person isn’t one to fuck around, they’re serious about you, do you guys like licking ears or like the nibbling of ears, making the other person shiver, tingles down their spine, this person doesn’t want to rush anything, like they love to be in the moment, aware and mindful of what they’re doing to you, dirty talk is here so i feel like this person would just want to be up in your ear about what yall got going on if u know what i mean lol, verbal communication during sex is another way to stay present as well, this pile is all about being more present and aware of what you’re doing, not staying in your head, maybe your person will see that you get anxious and overwhelmed so they take their time and feel you out literally haha, but they’re just watching you paying attention to how you’re feeling, idk why the fuck i heard ushers confessions song so maybe someone here who you’re dealing with wants to open up to you in the bedroom, like sex is a good way for them to get their emotions out, talking you through it, so intense but just like the whispering sweet nothings back to one another and being vocal with each other. now i’m going to get some messages to see what’s truly going on here (use ur discernment, at the end of the day i don’t really know your story so just place it where it fits :) )

★strive- i have grown up since our last encounter, i have been working on myself to be the better person whom you can feel proud of.

♥︎divine timing- we are on the journey and the divine dance on the soul plane, it will manifest into the physical world in perfect divine timing, all we have to do is trust and have faith that all will work out beautifully.

★promise- i wish you knew just how special you are to me, it kills me not to be able to tell you, you amaze me with your compassion and kindness through this time apart, i promise i will make things right between us.

(i feel like for this newer person to come in you’ll have to purge, let go of, and just walk away from the toxic energy, im sorry for how short y’all’s pile is, choose another one IF you feel called to it)

sex on fire, do i make you nervous, on my mind

˖◛⁺⑅♡Lᵒᵛᵉᵧₒᵤ♡⑅⁺◛˖ thank you for clicking on my post and giving me a chance to read for you, i’ll post my pile 4-6 later but here’s the top three for now since tumblr has their limits haha ˖◛⁺⑅♡Lᵒᵛᵉᵧₒᵤ♡⑅⁺◛˖

✨4-6 available 💫

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for talking bad about a friend to a group of mutual friends?

I (21f at the time) became friends with a woman (31f) due to work. We both started at the same time and felt on the outs. She ended up becoming "friends" with a ton of people there, only to call me on her drive home and talk shit about them. I don't do that fake stuff, I'll be nice and polite and cordial but im not going to talk outside of work.

Anyways, me and this woman, Nancy I'll call her, were friends. I had just turned 21 and she made it a point to get me to have my first drink. It was fine, didn't really like the taste of it but I wanted to fit in. I got drunk but she let me stay at her place no big deal.

Throughout the next year I noticed things were...weird. I should have clued in when she talked crap about other people to me but would talk to them and agree to make plans (she never would follow through).

She started asking me my sexuality. Always. Talking. About. It. She kept claiming I was repressed and I needed to embrace myself, how she would be proud of me. Except the one time I finally told her the truth, I was on the asexual spectrum, she laughed in my face and told me I had something wrong with me.

She then claimed it was because I hadn't experienced sex yet- or had i? That became her next obsession. Virgin, not virgin, half virgin (her words idk). She would constantly ask, even bringing it up in front of other people. It was embarrassing, even if there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

When I say obsessed about these things I mean EVERY TIME we met up outside of work she would bring these topics up (once a week). For almost a year.

There were other small things but I thought I was just being petty or insecure or something. But then the incident occurred. I was at her house and someone we knew was also there. He touched me non-consensually and didn't stop when I made it clear I wanted him to. He would have done more if he could, there was not a doubt in my mind. I was able to get out and get in a different room and lock the door, which he tried to open.

The issue was she knew he liked me. I had just found out that night. She kept encouraging me to drink and I did. I dont blame her for me drinking, that was my fault. I do blame her for leaving me alone with him when she knew I was uncomfortable being around him after he kept flirting with me. I was so drunk I couldn't stand up and she left me.

But she had also drank and I was going to say it was just because of that. Until a week later she got mad at me for kicking the guy out of her house (which I didnt do but I guess he claims i did). She looked me in the eyes and said it would have been my fault if he died cause he also had been drinking. I told her I didn't tell him to leave nor did I kick him out. She said that he said I did. I personally didn't care if he claimed I did because I didn't do that, she should believe me as her friend, and I quote "I literally just left as soon as possible because he groped me".

She looked me in the eyes and told me "I don't care if he raped you, he was drunk and it was my house, you had no right to kick him out".

Again, I didnt kick him out. I did tell him he could stay or leave and I didnt give a shit, but I never told him he had to (even if I WANTED him to).

I was obviously very perturbed by this. I stopped being her friend. I did bring it up once a year later when she reached out and wanted to amend things. She took no responsibility for what she said, claimed I was being insensitive. When I asked her how she thought I felt, she claimed she was a recovering alcoholic and had been drinking that entire time and wasn't thinking straight.

Which I could understand for some things she said or did, but what about when she was sober?

I quit being her friend. A few months back, I was hanging out with 2 mutual friends and a girl I had never met. We all were laughing and having a good time, no drinks involved (ever since that night I haven't drank). One of my friends mentioned Nancy and how we should invite her. I made a face and they asked why. I simply said we weren't friends anymore. They kept pressuring me and wouldn't drop the subject.

I finally told them. I said, and I quote because I remember it VERY clearly, "We aren't friends because she's a despicable person. I was groped and she told me she wouldn't have cared if I was raped. She also wouldn't shut the fuck up about my sexuality and my status of virginity, whether I was or wasn't."

The one girl I hadn't met had gasped and comforted me. The other two was shocked but then shared a few things Nancy had done to them. I felt a lil better knowing that these people also felt bad and it wasn't all in my head like Nancy had claimed.

Well, I just got a message from Nancy. Turns out, that girl worked with her now. Nancy was trying to get a promotion and that girl was actually her supervisor. She was denied a promotion based on her actions. The girl used plenty of examples, none that could quite come back to me and almost all related to work i found out. But I guess one of our mutual friends told her I had mentioned something because she knew. She said it was my fault she didn't get the promotion. She then told me that she was struggling with a newborn and how this would have helped a lot and now the newborn may suffer.

I feel bad for the baby as the baby has nothing to do with the parent. I didnt know when I mentioned what happened to the girl that it would cost her a promotion. I feel sick to my stomach thinking that I did the one thing she did that made me mad, be friends to their face but talk shit behind their back.

I have been banned from the company under Nancy's order apparently, which is fine I can go elsewhere it was just nice seeing people I worked with previously. But now everyone knows something went down. Nancy and her fiance are really coming at me for their troubles and I feel terrible. St the time I didnt think I was the asshole but I dont know now. Should I apologize?

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.

[preciouslandmermaid]

so as u guys know i went through a breakup in june. which was a good thing. i wasn’t invested in the relationship, i was unhappy, the honeymoon had faded, there were flags that i simply couldn’t ignore (both in him and myself!) and i knew i needed to return to my happiest state - being single and annoying online.

today, on the first day back of work, this motherfucker asks to talk to me afterwards and im like “yeah sure.” thinking that like we’re just gonna chat real quick in the parking lot. no. hes like “where can we meet.” and im like “idk starbucks i guess.” 

i’ve been keeping my distance from him because that’s what was best for ME. we literally haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was just trying to catch up, be friendly. i rationalized that since we were only together about 5 months, then it wouldn’t be completely weird to start being friends now that 2 months have passed since the separation. 

besties....he wanted to know if we could get back together. 😠 i was like ?????????? and he was like “well, we spent the summers working on ourselves” (bro ur still not in therapy so i disagree), and then he was like “i feel like we broke up because i was having such a hard time at work and was going through a hard time and it reflected on our relationship.” and i was like uhhh. and so i said a metaphor i was like “us getting back together would be like trying to complete a puzzle when you’ve lost pieces in the vacuum.” and he goes “OH WELL, relationships have their ups and downs! we could still find those pieces.”

i legit wish someone was recording my face. i was in shock. like when we broke up, i did tell him i hoped we could be friends, i told him i hoped we could be in each other’s lives and that maybe (and it’s a big maybe) we could reconnect in the far future. (but, i remember when i said this, i was only saying it to be nice. which was a mistake since it led me to this whole conversation). 

ANYWAYS. to make a long story short. i told him No. and he was like “why i dont understand. you said you loved me. how could you love me and then not love me anymore. this is really hurting my self-worth. i dont understand. what changed??”

and i just...didn’t engage really. i wasn’t gonna list all the reasons. i already did that when we broke up and he demanded answers. i told him that i didn’t feel the connection anymore. and i already know im hurting his feelings AGAIN. eventually i just said “i’m happier single.” and he was like “oh? so i won’t see you dating someone in six months?” and i was like “probably not?? but idk?” he also brought up an old interaciton we had waaay back in march and tried to gaslight me by saying i got defensive during it, but i literally wrote that interaction down beat by beat so i remember how it went because it made me feel so uncomfortable and was my first serious red flag. >:( you cannot trick me! 

we managed to end the conversation and i stayed firm within my boundaries even tho he looked sad/was tearing up and kept asking me for reasons (idk why being unhappy in the relationship isn’t a reason enough for him??) a few hours after i got home, he texted me and was like “Was everything you said earlier true? No lying to save my feelings?” and i texted him back and was like “Yeah, it was all true.” idk how i could’ve been any clearer. i think he just dislikes hearing things he doesn’t want to hear. (omg also he brought up bell hooks--someone i introduced him to!--and was like “are you just chasing the next high?” and i was like “??? idk ??” )

my friends keep telling me he was emotionally manipulative, but it’s hard for me to see it. maybe in time i will be able to. but again--im just proud of myself for not “cowering” and changing my mind because i’ve got a person in front of me who i do care about --and who is sad--who i could make happy by doing what he wants.

but that is no life worth living. i live for myself. for my own happiness. and i was not happy in the relationship. you don’t need any other reason to leave-- if you’re unhappy, you can just go. it’s fine. i think that’ll be the big lesson i takeaway from this whole debacle. 

[xuanelle]

kageyama + 2, 13, and 18 and majima + 2, 6, and 17

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

okay i already answer one favourite canon thing but another thing i love about kageyama i think is just how much he loves volleyball and how much he just doesnt care about anything else. its cute to me just seeing how passionate he is and then when he has to study for school he's just like "but why must i do this." its so cute! he gets to just be a silly kid who does poorly at school and like i love that about him :) i like how you expect him to be smart but he really isn't and he's just as silly as some of the more obviously silly guys like tanaka or noya

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

well if i said a crow that would be so obvious because of the crow symbolism of karasuno. and same with like the crown emoji. but BOTH do remind me of him. like he's so tied with that king symbolism and trying to move past it and he does move past it that it's just so hard to not assiocate that type of symboling with him

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

aaa this is so hard because i love ALL his relationships. obviously him and hinata are everything to me and i have talked a lot about them but i think the one i specifically admire might just be his dynamic with suga. i love him and hinata but the admire gotta go with them. suga who despite being odler then him knows kageyama is better skill wise. but he teaches kageyama a lot about being a teammate, about trusting the team. and kageyama is jelaous about that but they both form such a sweet friendship where suga helps kageyama become someone better and kageyama is grateful for it.

like this from chapter ten, suga sees so much in how kageyama has grown and kageyama isn't sure what to feel there because he's not used to it but suga is just proud of him even when he could so easily be jelaous because he's only a first year setter and better.

during the match against blue castle when kageyama is benched, suga tells him kageyama keeps him balanced and reminds him he has a whole team with him and that he doesn't need to do it alone and it truly gets through to kageyama! later when he rejects the lonely king title, the tyrant title, it's because of what suga said, knowing he has a team of great players there for him and its so sweet <3

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

loyality !! he's a mad dog sure but he's also a loyal dog. he gave up so much of his life waiting for saejima to return, he spent 25 years carving a place for him unsure of how his sworn brother would react to him when he comes back. he always is there to help the tojo clan and the kiryu. he sticks by daigo's side when he needs someone to help him with the tojo (an action that even does get him jailed in four but he never gives up on daigo, still supporting him in the next game and forward) his loyality is the core of who he is and i love it about him

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

ohh thats hard because majima is so different then me in many ways but i suppose one thing is i like to think im loyal? i like to think i'll always try and be there for friends and people i care abt. now i dont think it would ever be to being able to endure torture but thats an extreme that'll never happen to me but just the base concept of loyality is something i like to think i share :)

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

honestlyyy nihsitani. i get it because of everything going on 0 but it's a ship i see content with for and i just, idk, i don't really ship it? i get it though but to me he's always just going to be the guy who inspired such change and freedom in majima rather then an actual ship for myself.

[ocean-anchored]

Continued still.. December 3, 2023

Monday night I went to the Knights & flames game with Shane, he got really great tickets & I got to wear my jersey. It was a nice evening, he was good & I had asked him before not to ask me if Im ok at any point to trigger my emotional mess. Chrystal was gone the week so I was going into okotoks everyday to cover. Tuesday I originally didn't have plans but then Connor asked to hang out after work. Went for Taco tuesday which was nice then back to his place. I ended up staying the night, I felt like he wanted me to stay but idk, I still can't get a read on him. Part of me just thinks we're kind of doing the same thing to each other. I mean I know i'm not really going out of my way to ask him or make plans but his texting just sucks that I can't read if he wants to or not. Like its hard to keep any convo up over text & maybe he's just like that, I understand his work is a lot so keeping that up is tough, but then after we talked about how I might not be doing a roadtrip in January it died off & he didn't reply so whatever. I mean he has asked to hang out so I assume, & he does ask me to stay so maybe? But to what benefit? Idk. I do enjoy his company though. Wednesday I went for dinner with Ed & Mariana a founder of ours from Mexico city. Ill have to write another time on how I had planned to do a road trip down to the states or mexico for a few weeks but I dont think it's going to work out in January so I'll talk about it later for now. Went to Charbar which was really great, nice environment & cool, really great food. Thursday I finally had a night to myself, I was pretty tired from the week & had a lot this weekend so I chilled & gamed for a bit, took it easy. Friday had lunch with Ed, again I might talk about that later but I'm still really blessed to be working with him. Friday night was my ugly christmas sweater games night which I think turned out really well! 9 people including me, jeremiah brought his friend Dan, steven, amanda, shane who came 2 hours late... that was another whole other story of annoyance & triggering for me, Kamber, amber & naythan. It was fun, started around 6/6:30 & everyone stayed till like midnight so it was a lot of fun. Saturday I chilled for day, Marc forgot about our facetime which sucks but whatever. Was supposed to go to anneriekes to decorate the tree but didn't want to be around that environment again which I think I forgot to mention anyways that I went for dinner two weeks ago & it was just a lot to take in & I'm tired of talking about Steve. Anyway I went to amber & naythans instead with nova, nova did so good with Rue, it was honestly so sweet watching nova play again & be so gentle with her, made me so happy. We played catan & had a really great night. Amber also got me the exit game advent calendar that were all in a challenge together, like 4 of us couples minus mine of course & that's super fun so far, proud that I've solved the first two alone with no hints! Anyways, love those people so much. Today, sunday, went to 8:30am service which was so good again. I really love this church I think & want to stay in it. Its so lively & actually makes me want to lean into God when I leave & "sets my heart on fire" again feeling. Went to brunch with Daniel at Diner Deluxe which was great again, he's a good guy. Hes really smart & very... aware. Its a breath of fresh air & its really nice to be able to talk to someone emotionally on the same page especially about relationships & the struggles. Then mom surprised me at being at my house after so we could go for a walk & we had some good conversation. Then went to a movie with steven & amanda which was good so im finally relaxing now winding down for bed. This week will be busy again & the weekend but then it get's quiet which I think Im finally looking forward too.

[redheadbigshoes]

hi again. its the anon whose sibling showed her yhe actor and now im feeling something...

to answer your question about whether thoughts about doing intimate things with him results in positive or negative reaction.... if im being honest................. its positive

and for the one about if the idea of a regular guy who looked like him proposed doing similar things with me, whether id be ok with that idea and reality happening or not.......... honestly............ the answer is yes

so i guess im bisexual. fucking brilliant. idk why that makes me sort of.... disappointed with myself. like for all the talk ive talked about rejecting the patriarcy and not playing into the stereotypes that society puts on afab people and being a proud lesbian who has no chance of ever playing into societys demand for afab people to always and only end up with men... i just have to go and be attracted to them anyway....

ugh its whatever. I'll get over all this bs. thank you for helping me brainblast though. love your blog. shame i wont be able to really respond much now that im bi and not a lesbian

Hi!

First is that labels are not always easy to figure out. Actually most of the times it’s really hard to know who you are, especially in the society we live in. You don’t have to immediately label yourself as something if you want, there’s other labels that you could use (or maybe use until you’re sure about what you are) like sapphic or queer.

Being attracted to men as a AFAB person does not mean you’re not rejecting the patriarchy, because if you’re genuinely attracted to them the patriarchy has nothing to do with your attraction. We don’t choose who we’re attracted to, and also being attracted to men doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up with one.

I’m glad you like my blog and I hope you know whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or anything else my blog will be always a safe space to vent.

[thewabbitandthewolf]

today may da fourth be witchya 5/4

i keep getting sidetracked organizing the past— gonna start a new approach which is something ive always tried to practice: documenting the good times as they happen while im still riding their high

we talked on the phone a couple times today. sounds like marshall is getting fired-fired tomorrow. i hate that he has had such an effect on you. thats not to say its your fault. he is in ur constant surroundings so its truly inescapable. but now ur not gonna have to deal w him at work anymore so peace is gonna be witchya n ur gonna be so much more focused n more able to do ur thang… its gonna be really good for u + everyone at the shop really.

i can only begin to imagine the impact… i would be ecstatic getting to go to work n stay for as long as it took jus to be not home n away from my ex. u literally had no escape lol. its not funny but its laughable. im just so stoked for u cuz ur gonna gain a good momentum off this me thinks. it will be less likely you get swayed or succumb to the “fomo”— the drinking the mushrooms the staying up late. tbh when i think abt it idk if i could be 100% sober around the guy all the time either… those things are fine to enjoy sometimes but they were coming on more often n harder n it was impacting us and the beginning of our relationship a lot last month. it feels so good to look at us n everything now w those times overcome n in our past…

im really proud of you and have a lot of confidence in you + in us. it really seems like youre eager to turn your new leaf. things are lining up for you in your world finally and you so deserve it! just keep it up! keep being you, thats all it takes. forgive yourself when you slip and dont forget: the easiest way out is full honesty, always. im here for you thru the thick n the thin. i keep having this thought, maybe thought isnt the right word… maybe realization? i just chant it to myself. i already believe it but saying it, thinking it, seeing the words in my head like subtitles to my thoughts, “theres nothing to be afraid of”. i feel so “i got this” more than i have in a long time. and i think im gaining it from you, its rubbing off on me.

ps. you look so good here ! happy ! sexy lips. and ur hair is cutie !

[i-have-bees-in-my-brain]

Personal rant or some shit bc i just wanna get this out rn. yeeeee this will be long

So today i had a vit of a stressful day with uni n all bc ive been sick and admittedly lazy over the last week up til like tuesday and i had to turn in an Interpretation/essay tonight and prepare a group presentation for tmr (saturday seminars should b illegal but ok i literally chose this). N e way so ive been procrastinating like hell up until this morning so i didnt rly eat before showing up to seminar at 12am and afterwards i had to check with my one remaining presentation groupmember and finish the interpretation and tgen i had swordfighting class at 5. I didnt Really gave time for it but its fun and im very behind bc i misses several lessons already and am generally. Not good at it lol. n e way i turn up to swords and we peactice some routines ig and heres where the peoblem rly starts. Basically i am a huge crybaby, always have been (im older than firestar btw for context), esp when i feel criticized or yknow. Make mistakes or anything and since i was a sports h8er with 2 left feet n hands all my life n cried often during school pe bc i kept messing up n git embarrassed, it was an important step for me to sign up for this uni extracurricular swords class bc. Doing sth sporty in front of others tgat. Isnt very easy and i gotta learn from scratch is a bit out of my comfort zone. But normally its all v fun, im not good/easily the worst in class but thats ok i learn and move my body and talk to ppl! Proud of myself! Well today not so kuch, i noticed i was getting tense bc of not understanding how to do a movement and everyone (3 experienced fighters bc the main teacher was sick plus 2 other beginners that r learning faster than me) lookimg at me and trying to give helpful pointers and me still doing it wrong... H8 dis feeling bc i kinda freeze up instead of being able to take the tips n try again. Its hard for me to translate input like verbal instructions and demonstsations into my own movements as is. In this state i cant do anything properly and i feel the cryings abt to start while wanting nothing more than to MOVE ON NORMALLY. Well my eye started to get itxhy n teary so i excused myself to "take care of my contacts" (lie) (why am i even so ashamed that i feel i have to lie/make up excuses?? Bro???? That just made the situation Actually cringe?????? Im normally not an ashamed person and cryings just a state/expression but idk) so it was better for a bit until it wasnt. Then i full on cried in class while 2 ppl were actively showing me things/helping me do em right n everyone else kimda watched, kimda practiced. They did ask if i was ok and i said yes like a liar. So at the end of class i normally take the bus home with one of the other new guys but i today just didnt feel able to keep talking to him. So he also asked if i was ok/why i cried and i said i just do that under stress and why i am stressed (uni) so that was also a bit of a lie but only kinda. I said i was gonna go to the livrary instead (another lie, was gonna call my bf to calm me down abit n then take the next bus) so i did tgat n it kinda worked and this genius asked if i had eaten. Bruhhh of fuckin course im sensitive ive only had 3 baked goods all day and hadnt even noticed!!!!!! So then it all made sense, mans gotta get some freakin noursishment to keep their composure in swords class! So i went to another bus stop than normally bc i needed sth from the store and bruh the guy i normally take a DIFFERENT bus with is there (awkwardly votta tell hik i changed my mimd abt the library) and we talk a bit (i feel like i talk to him wayy too much in comparison to him, like we dont know each other that well at all, idek his real name and yknow. If he actually enjoys talking to me) and yea

So now everyone in the 14th century peasant larp class knows my terrible terrible secret:))):)

[starrjournals]

y’all i just had a eureka moment. i know it’s been a while but i’m gonna get right into it. so my eureka moment was me being upset with myself for not playing with my cat enough and basically shaming myself for not doing it when i know it is affecting his health. i was unemployed for months guys that means i was home all the time so i constantly played with my cat. to go from that to waking up and getting ready to go to work with no time to play with cat before work or just like a couple of minutes to then be out practically all day and then to come home so tired u don’t want to the next day and are just trying to rest but u have to play with ur cat bc he doesn’t deserve to be sad bc u don’t play with him! so yea as u can tell a lot of shame there but honestly that’s okay bc it made me realize that i get burnt out quickly at jobs. because at first at jobs i’m fine i’m working all i can it’s a new place new energy no one knows you, you know? but now that i’ve been there like 2-3 months i’m tired of it. i’m overdoing it and getting burnt out and not properly resting. i don’t feel well anymore. i need money to live and afford stuff but it’s costing me my mental health. this is terrible having to pick which one to take care of. i wish i could do both but i can’t. i feel mindless again. i don’t want to. now i know i’m doing better now i can tell what’s happening. now i can improve and accept myself and give myself accommodations this time around. ngl i’m proud of myself for being able to come to this conclusion. but wait there’s more ! in the entry i beat myself up a bit more abt not playing with cat and realizing that i’m burnt out and realizing that’s why i couldn’t play with cat. also made me realize that i am an avoidant. i avoided my feelings, i avoided my body, i felt disconnected from my body. i want to do better for myself. i have to learn how to accept what i am feeling and work on not avoiding what’s bothering me. i deserve better. realizing i’m avoidant also made me realize that’s why i ended my friendship with a long time friend- bc i didn’t want to hurt their feelings. i still don’t. it’s scary. (seen 234 rn) but i do know i have to do it and i can’t act like nothing happened and that nothing is bothering me. so yeah. that’s basically the entry BUT U KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT!!!! WHICH IS CRAZY BC IT PRACTICALLY CONFIRMED IT !! RIGHT AFTER I CLOSED MY JOURNAL AND THANKED MY PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM I LOVE THEM I AEEN A CAT WHISKER RIGHT IN DRONT OF MY JOURNAL THAG WASJT THERE WHEN I STARTED!!!!!!!!! I LITERALLY SCREAMED INTERNALLY!!! LIKE BROOOO???!!!! (my ears ringing) HOW DID I START NY JOURNAL ENTRY?? TALKING ABT NY CAT . IN THAT MOMENT I WANTED TO CRY BUT LIKE HAPPY TEARS BC THAT LITERALLY CONFIRMED IT LIKE IT MADE ME SO HAPPY IM . (ny ear stopped ringing) so yeah just a lil update i think that’s it, i just really wanted to share that. WAIT THE BEST PART IS THAT I WAS WATCHING BOBS BURGERS AND THE LAST EPISODE WAS OF TEDDY AND BOB DISCUSSING SIGNS FROM THE UNIVERSE AND I KNEW THAY THAT EPISODE ITSELF WAS A SIGN THEN ATTER THAT FINISHED I WENT ON MY ONONE AND IDK I GOT FRUSTRATED AND DECIDED TO RIGHT. SO BASICALLY,,,,, the universe is always listening and the timing is always right. i didn’t want to yell that part. and it sounds so cheesy but it’s true like bro coincidence after coincidence. naur way! so yeah thank u universe for always listening and putting up with me. i love you.

[thehardkandy]

just some vague brain rambles below the cut

while im sure i get as much imposter syndrome as the next guy, these days my anxiety when it comes to new job genuinely has little do with "am I good enough" and much more to do with "am I well enough"

I sort of rest my laurels on the fact that I have, in fact, been well enough for every job I've had before in my life. I have been well enough that all of my long-term jobs have been sad to see me go. but nevertheless there's still this anxious waiting for me to hit my ceiling where past some point of responsibility or competence I will not be able to manage it and i will combust and implode and be washed out

i keep trying to figure out to frame "im mentally ill and i would like to engage with this job in a way that will not hurt me" without making myself sound completely unemployable!!!!! it's well and good to talk about ending stigma when you already having a job, but hot damn. it just feels unapproachable to discuss when GETTING job

because again, by my track record and the words of my past employers, my mental illness has not made me a bad employee. i have been a great one!

and so i sort have this thing going on where im like "am i actually ill if it doesn't effect my work" but i do know "yes i am it just means that consequences are put upon me personally, not my work" and so im like how can i tell an employer just to take the L because i want them to share responsibility for the quality of my life when they can simply go hire someone who is not fucked up stupid. then you can say "just wait until after you're hired" but then it feels like im being this lying little prick whose suddenly like "haha! your problem now!"

and so it does all come back to my life motto of "go die or do it right". which, admittedly, is a bad life motto that doesnt really allow for shades of grey but idk. im probably better suited trying to negotiate things like flexibility in my schedule and hybrid work under the guise of productivity and personal comfort than any sort of mental health angle, because it's still true! but i dont like that i cant just say "hey guys! i need to cry a lot and people who punctuate their emails differently can cause me to think they hate me and that i should kms but counter intuitively having a job that puts me slightly out of my comfort zone and that i can feel proud ownership of makes those parts of me feel better so please hire me because i am also good at this stuff :)"

alas. life, as ever, is complicated. and another great motto, as ever, is to assume i will not get this job and thus i will not have to worry about any of the above concerns unless i DO get the job, in which case if i suck ass at it that's their fault not mine im not on the hiring panel

[sunflower-jam]

I have another bitch fit keep scrolling

Why do I have to be such an unloveable person. Like I know Why I’m not loveable and that I don’t even really put myself out there to even find love or be loved by the people around me but it’s so hard for me. I don’t even know why it wasn’t that hard before but now I have to have a bitch fit to myself on tumblr bc I don’t even want to bother the little bit of friends I have left and idk if it’s bc I don’t want to bother them or bc I don’t even think they care about me anymore. I’m not worth keeping around as a friend tbh if I was my friends I don’t think I’d care about me either. I feel weird compared to them and not weird in a quirky way more weird in a “I want to fit in with you guys so bad so if I don’t put up this slightly polished version of myself then you will all hate me and leave me behind bc I can sense that you all enjoy each other presence and I feel like I annoy you and that I’m unwanted in your space ”. I can see and feel them slowly leaving me and I’m not mad at all about it cause I get I’m not funny,smart,or interesting to talk to I feel very surface level with everyone and that I don’t really know anyone deeply anymore even though I crave that. I want to be around people and have my friend group enjoy my presence but I don’t know how to change myself to make that happen.

It’s also weird to be the only person in a friend group where no one likes you. Like my 3 friends either have a partner or could have one at the drop of a hat and I couldn’t have either. I don’t know if it’s bc of how I look or act or because I just I’m not that outgoing of a person but I am yet to actually have someone who likes me outside of the fact they can tell I like them and I’m just easy prey so they use me for whatever amount of time they need to make themselves feel loved or to just have this constant babbling idiot with them to keep them entertained. Im so pathetic i really am bc like why am I so desperate for someone to love me and care for me when I can’t even picture myself in a relationship like I could never picture myself being the reason someone is kicking their feet and smiling at their phone. Also I don’t even know if I want love or if I just want someone to cuddle me and say they are proud of me and that I’m pretty cause either would probably make me burst into tears. I think I’m just really desperate for attention. Which I know I don’t deserve praise bc I’ve done nothing to be praised for but I just want that one thing ya know?

I’m also not a pretty person so I don’t understand why I even get sad that no one has ever liked me or even hit on me and I’m starting to realizing how ugly peoples actually think I am. My older sister a couple weeks ago told me that I’ve never put any effort into my appearance besides the bare minimum and I don’t know if she meant for it to be that mean or for it to hurt my feelings that much but like I try my best with the very little energy I have and she is so naturally pretty (I think it’s very agreed upon that I am the ugliest sibling). It’s not like I don’t try because I try very very hard to pretty but my sensory issues can’t stand the makeup or the heels and I am not mentally secure enough to wear tight clothing and my hair is to much for me to handle so I just throw it in a low ponytail and hope for the best but I do try to be pretty with what I’m able to do and I know it’s not really enough but god do I wish it was. I don’t think it will ever be enough no matter what I do to my face bc it’s not like I have a ugly face and a cute body I’m more like ugly all around and literally all I’ve been thinking about was how much my family talks about my weight behind my back. Which I know that you can be fat and beautiful but it literally just doesn’t look right on me. I overheard my mother tell my brother she doesn’t think I can fit in the seatbelts in the back seat which I very much can fit in the seatbelts btw but like am I that big looking? Like I’m not small don’t get wrong but like I don’t think I’m that big and now it’s all I can think about and it makes me physically nauseous to eat and I’m kinda hopping that nausea stays bc maybe then when I’m smaller someone will actually think I’m pretty and maybe someone will give me a chance and actually want to get to know me. I’m gonna shut up more before I start to spiral.

[pleckthaniel]

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