#idk im just worried people who havent read it are getting set up for an experience that really really didnt match my own

[unforth]

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[defiantdreemurrs]

idk if i have the mental energy to go that deep into it this morning but like

i kinda fairly regularly see vriska serket homestuck and asuka langley soryu evangelion compared as “basically the same character” or how vriska is “SUCH an asuka” or vice versa and

they kinda really arent

they both share a surface level similarity of “girl who is fiery and assertive and has a mountain of trauma who picks on a boy she has complicated feelings for” but thats kinda reductive for both their characters

vriska never particularly cares about spotlight or attention. these are not important to her. they have no connection to her trauma. she *does* care about getting to be the big hero, but its not because she wants the attention. hell by the end of her arc she explicitly does not care about glory and is perfectly willing to let (vriska) take all the credit for finding the juju.

vriskas whole deal is just wanting to be a hero. because everypony around her treated her like a bad person. and she never wanted to be a bad person. the things she does in act 5 are very clearly intended to set things in motion that were *already going to happen* so she can insert herself in and be the hero. she wasnt trying to get all her friends killed, she didnt wanna kill anypony, she very explicitly just wanted to be the hero. not for the glory, not for the attention, but for herself.

(im still waking up and i havent read homestuck in a while so whenever my sister wakes up shes the real vriska expert between us so ill let her correct me if i missed anything)

meanwhile.

asuka langley soryu is ALL about the spotlight. ALL about the attention. she wants to be noticed. she wants to be looked at. she pilots eva because she knows shes good at it and thinks if she makes it her whole life then people will finally notice her. because her own trauma is rooted *deep* in it. rooted in being ignored. having her own mother, broken by the contact experiment, pay more attention to a literal doll than to her.

asukas central issue is not one of wanting to be a hero or to atone for anything she might have been made to feel guilty about by her peers. her issue is that she, very much like shinji, is unable to form meaningful emotional connections with others. and not for lack of trying! she spends the whole show throwing herself at a man twice her age who very understandably has zero interest in her because *she is 13 years old*. she also spends it throwing herself at a boy who hates himself soooooooo much hes unable to let his guard down to let her in.

shes not faultless, though. her attempts at forming a connection are halfhearted at best because her traumas have closed *her* off too. she cant find it in herself to be vulnerable with anypony and therefore nopony really feels capable of being vulnerable with her. and she doesnt really understand it.

vriska never really struggles with this though. despite how thoroughly fucked her childhood was she never really worried about being ignored or being *replaced* or treated like an inanimate object or even making emotional connections. shes pretty good at making connections and with her practical inability to lie she really has a hard time *not* being her authentic self.

unlike asuka who, despite being *mostly* her authentic self, still keeps her vulnerable sides hidden. she cant let her guard down. she cant be weak. she cant let anypony take advantage of her. one of the few times shinji sees how much she actually hurts, she manages to deflect by calling him a perv and saying she knew he was staring at her chest the whole time.

and likewise, asuka doesnt really get labeled by everypony around her as a bad person? nor is she concerned with being a hero or trying to show everypony that she isnt a bad person. is she the type to do the thing nopony else seems willing to do? yes, but shes more concerned with finally getting the attention she thinks she deserves (which, yes, she absolutely does deserve it, please just look at this girl please dont ignore her and starve her), and jumping at the chance to do the thing is what she thinks will get her that attention.

this post is starting to run out of steam so ill wrap it up.

so, no, asuka langley soryu is indeed very much *not* a vriska. and vriska serket is very much *not* an asuka. yes they have some similarities yes they are both loud brash girls who receive WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH SHIT from their respective fanbases by people who dont even bother to engage properly with the source material. hell i would even say theyre similar *enough* that theyd be total besties. but theyre also very much different characters in different stories whose central arcs do not overlap.

one is about learning how to establish connections with others and nurture them into something beautiful. the other is about being the girl who does what nopony else ever seems willing to do, the girl who does the hard things that nopony else ever steps up for. i think both are brilliant characters and both mean so incredibly much to me.

oh also i have explicitly only ever been referring to asuka langley soryu in this post. there is a reason i spelled out her whole name. asuka shikinami is a completely different character who i would argue is *much* closer to vriska than asuka soryu is. but thats a post for another time. this post was primarily only in response to the people i see calling asuka soryu a vriska or calling vriska an asuka.

[miusato]

I dont have a clear idea in my mind but ever since I sketched that dumb AU of Shinjiham in HS i have the feminine urge to make up a HC of them lmao i doubt anybody be reading this but i like talking to myself and reread this the next morning so ima just write this down lol

Like I said I dont have a clear idea but basically Shinji extended his study and ended up in the same year as Kotone (11th grade) because he actually got into a coma. Im playing around the idea that the story revolves around why is he in the same year as she is? Why did he fell into coma and how did he get into coma in the first place? This also means that Kotone didn't meet him until he enrolled into her class. Aki is still her senior and they're friends because idk I havent think of this yet lol but anyway one day Aki asked if she can help him keep an eye on Shinji and told her about him going to enroll in her class soon and he knows Shinji will struggle because he's pretty much an outcast and some people speculates and make rumors about his reasoning for his extension and Aki really cares for him and doesnt want him to fall behind or fail so he asked her a favor to help him out.

Shinji is hard to befriend at first and tell her to buzz off but when she mentioned Aki asked her to keep an eye on him and she won't take no for an answer, he sighed and said how annoying he is for setting him up like that lol At first he is kinda frustrated at how persistent she is on trying to help him and how she gets into everyone's business in class but he's aware of how contagious her presence can be and knows how people around her always be at ease when she's in class so he slowly opened up to her and accepts her kindness.

I dont really want him to be as depressive and suicidal as canon but I can see him having a self-worth issue and having a hard time accepting goodness around him. I kinda imagine at one point Shinji and Aki had a huge fight about him pushing everyone away and screaming at him that he's not as mysterious as he thinks he is and he's too blind by his own pity party to see how people still loves him and it took him a fist on the face and Aki crying to get that through his thick skull.

After the fight, he didn't come to school for a few days which actually worries Kotone because despite how uninterested Shinji always be in class, he never delibrately skip class and oddly enough he always pass his homework on time so she visited his place with his homework packets (and after bribing the office clerk for his address) and when she sees him all bruised up in his face she was like SHINJI WHAT HAPPENED WHY YOURE ALL FUCKED UP WHO DID THIS TO YOU AWAFSJQGRAJALA and he hissed at her to shut up and after she apologised, he admits that Aki punched him and after reassuring her it's technically his fault, he asked if she actually liked him and just as she's about to stammer with red on her cheeks, he quickly corrected himself that what he meant is if she likes being friends with him because he is such an ass to her and opens up about what he fought about with Aki and it's not until he sees tears in Aki's face that he's not the only one hurting and him pushing people away to not hurt them actually hurts other people too. Kotone assured him that if he realized that, its not too late to change and he has friends to help him get back on his feet. When she mentioned "friends", he looked at her and asked "Kotone, are we friends?" And she beamed at him and hook his pinky around her and whispered "Always been." and that's when he really accepts her and sees her as a genuine friend and not some annoying girl in class.

Idk how do I make them ended up dating but I just like the idea of a slow burn relationship so in the meantime they're just friends with budding feelings towards each other hsksksksksk

[vampyrluver]

sorry if this is weird out of the blue you can ignore it if you like! but i was re reading some of ur about and saw ur thinking about going into museum studies. ive wanted to work at a museum for a long time but have never really had the drive to make it happen. i was wondering if you have any insight/advice on how one could start taking steps even small ones toward following that vision. i graduated a couple years ago with my bachelors in psychology and since then just kinda been like "why did i do that." idk if its a viable jumping off point or if id have to do more school before grad which has also been kinda holding me back from looking into stuff out of anxiety i guess. anyway i know you dont know everything and sorry this is long i just was interested since i havent seen many people talk about museum studies as an academic path! ty if you do reply no worries if not! have a nice day :)

omg hi no not weird at all!! :D I love talking especially about academic things!!

The good thing about museums, is honestly almost any degree is a good jumping off point to potentially work in a museum! And the good thing about graduate school is that most programs do not care that much what your undergrad degree was, as long as you are willing to learn and do the work to catch up on anything that your undergrad degree may have not given you, you can just apply to grad schools! you just have to figure out where and what type of program you want.

i will also say, depending on where you live, there IS another way to get ur foot into the door of museums and that is by volunteering, or interning. Im located near DC, and because of my proximity to Smithsonian Museums, i am lucky as i have a lot of opportunities to get myself into the museum. Here, the museums will let you volunteer, and if you volunteer long enough (i think a year or two?), you can potentially get a paid job (especially if you put yourself out there and really make yourself know, the good thing about this industry is honestly a lot of the time you just need to have the right connections, a lot of the successful folks i know who work in or around museums, got in because they just...got around and made their existence known by the people they want to work with)

Also, something to consider is what exactly do you want to do in museums? Are you more of a curator? a researcher? do you want to be on the public facing side of museums (greeting, giving tours, educating etc), the back end side of museums (IT, event planning, archiving etc). Knowing the answer to this will also help you find a program for you. There are general museum studies programs which i think are good and that is what i plan on doing, but my goal is to work on the back end in archives OR as a researcher or educator within museums, so i am also looking at library sciences or similar degrees that work with the skill set i want to cultivate. there are a lot of museum adjacent degrees that may not sound like they would work in a museum but they would.

knowing what you want will help narrow down what you should do, because also if you are interested in the more public facing side, the giving tours and interacting with patrons etc, you may not even need a degree! you just need passion and the ability to info dump! if you want to work on more technical things, or hold a higher position that's where the graduate school education will play a part.

If you want help narrowing it down, message me!! I can also help you find programs or certificates that can help you get to where you want!

ALSO, don't be afraid to cold email people, something that has helped me a lot is finding people in the industry and just, emailing them and asking them questions, 2 outcomes happen either 1) i get no response ever or 2) they answer my questions! its pretty epic. If you want help finding people who may be of interest to you and cold emailing them, i can help its my favorite thing to do.

basically TLDR: narrow down what you want to do in the museum and jump off from there, depending on your future goals, more education may not even be needed, cold email people, and message me if you want me to help u find specific programs or people to contact! or if you just want more information in general.

Please let me know if this helps at all! Sorry its long, i am a yapper.

[emailsquid]

ok spiderman p5 au thing that infests my brain is coming out

mostly based on ultimate spiderman and spiderverse since those are the 2 im super familiar with.

akira is spider-man obviously. after getting sent to tokyo because of the normal p5 reasons he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets the normal spider powers (proportional strength, spider sense, heightened agility), with the addition of being able to get a better read on people's thought process (i dont think spiders can actually do this but i wanted to reference the personas in some way) and induce a low level of delusion in other people, making them more likely to tell the truth with a spider toxin thing. you know the deal i can make shit up. hes initially unwilling to be spider-man until stuff really gets bad with kamoshida, and then is only willing to do it whilst disguised to avoid fucking up his criminal record even more. loves actually being spiderman tho.

sojiro is almost unchanged except stuff with wakaba is different but hes still gruff but comes to love akira in more or less the same way as in p5. hates when theres supervillain fights outside his cafe (oops)

ryuji learn's akira's secret immediately and encourages him to be a hero, partly bc he thinks its cool, partly because he thinks he has a responsibility to use his powers for justice of some kind, partly to get back at kamoshida for being a massive piece of shit. he stays akira's best friend throughout his time in tokyo and almost has his side.

ann is 2nd to learn akira's secret and also encourages him to fight kamoshida (im getting to him btw). She designs the suit as well and makes it with akira. she also wants akira to be a hero but is much more cautious and worried about things than ryuji

i have no idea what to do with morgana but im thinking hes gonna be another superhero, idk what tho. probably like a shapeshifter or something? more thought is required.

Kamoshidas like. a superhero who double times as a teacher, still an abusive shitbag but now hes like publically worshipped. hes akiras first big fight after akira spreads the truth about him with calling cards and gets him to admit to his crimes publically, at which point he has to run away in shame. partly i based him on kamoshidaman (although i dont actually know anything abt pq2 im just assuming) and also mysterio in far from home.

shiho is basically the same except ill bring her back into the story later for something. havent planned that far ahead. she will date ann tho.

most other characters i only have vague ideas for, such as makoto having an alive father (nothing bad could happen to a police captain father in a spider man story surely) and futaba developing tech for akira. its the only way i can think to get him webslingers tbh. for akechi i have something cooking as well but im writing a fic for this so i kinda dont wanna spoil that bc i think its cool. im trying my best to be accurate to the characters personalities ut akira will probably be more quippy than usual bc it just feels wrong for any spider man not to quip. so yeah. other than that i think he maps onto spider man pretty well tbh, hes got the public hate campaign, the saviour complex, the sense of justice, hes stylish and hes got a social life going on to manage at the same time. haru also has some specific stuff i wanna do with her.

also this is a marvel like au so other superheros exist but its an americacentric phenomenon however the phoenix ranger feathermen are real. idk what ill do with them but they are bc it felt wrong to only have like 2 superheros. there might be others too. idk. maybe its more of ust a superhero au with specific marvel ideas. wahtever.

if i had the time and skill to do art for this id love to do it in the style of the original p5 intro with limited colours other than red and black to white spectrum. it would look cool and set it apart visually. also it would look a bit like the guy she was intereted in which i love visually so yeah.

anyway yea this is a pretty specific crossover so cant wait for no-one to care but yea ill update this with more later

[themindelectricdemo4]

i think to myself lke. back lke 2 year ago, im like...my friendship with my friends was so good, what happened?

really, i let myself go. i got a lot of disappointment in my regular life (couldnt get disability, more illnesses, treatment failing, family dying) i found that gong to college has helped me so much. because its like...setting a life for myself. getting a routine. having something to wake up for.

when all i wanted to wake up was for my friends, they were the brunt of everything, especially my moodiness that was becoming more & more unstable. i keep wanting to apologize but i hope i can form better wording in my head that articulates what i want to say the most (firstly that it doesnt justify my actions, and secondly, that im not crawling back to rekindle) im kind of stuck with overthnking it, so honestly.......it could be a world where i never directly apologize because i fear what my words sound like

i havent changed in that aspect in that i miss the connotation of my words often...maybe i could show it to my partner for proof reading, but i wouldnt want to involve a lot of people or anything ive accepted this is my human flaw & i continue to try & wrap my head around implications but it doesnt work. i do feel dumb ..oh well what can i do. i try to ask people to ask for clarification if they think something i said was weird (because if my intentions were mean ...i would want to make sure you knew for sure ...LOL.) but if they dont.. dont know what to do. but ive find in college, my friends ask me, they respect that, they make me feel like a human being & not some dumb (insert a barrage of slurs i could call myselfhere). self inflicted words..because i wish i could just learn social shit like a normal person & i feel dumb for not being able to mask this, or be able to study it enough to even pretend like i understand

im happy with the way my life is going now... i went to college, met my partner irl, i havent thought about genuinely kmsing myself in a good while now, like i couldnt go a month or two without planning it in my head, but im...actually doing good? its crazy...even my psych said she was so proud of me today saying she couldve never imagined me how i am today just because of how bad i was. i dont take that as a negative btw cuz thats me past tense. im proud of it.!!! really like, after whatever the fuck happened in august '23 i was like, ok. no more of this shit.

& it worked? i got all As, im in college. holy shit. the several times i would blow up on my friendsin the past into HUGE fights? the most heated i got was exactly one time where i snapped after a long day of being spoken over (by this person that i didnt particularly want to hang out with, as agreed upon with my friend because even that person agreed we didnt have a lot in common) & that...was it??? like im shocked. all my rage . gone . whar. .. & my friends are like.......they ask me what im doing/feeling based on things i do cuz they think im mad (the rbf & monotone voice) & im like oh!! oh my gosh no, im good! im sorry for worrying u & they were like oh! dw just checking. cuz i curated the baddest bitches of autistics who just get it fr . me & my current bestie we just ask each other the most blunt questions to get clarity on situations & i love that 4 us ... hes supa nice. love all my fends . but wow idk im proud of myself & this turned into a ramble where im positive cuz i was acually gettng mad at myself sadge but yea. i do wanna apologize but im afraid of being misconstrued & my paranoia over this manifests into probably never doing it. i got lving with my mother probably to blame fo r that (dont get me started on the shit she pulled over winter break that everyone in my family agrees she is ridiculous for with physical proof ok im reeling

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I didnt get time to write it down earlier, but im gonna try and do what he asked. 

I’ll write it down here and see if I can relay it back to him later. 

I’ve just gotta try and figure it out myself, first. He called me, after not hearing hardly anything all day I couldnt wait to talk to him and hear his voice. But he just wanted to ask me for a lift... It upset me at first. No “how are you, I’ve missed you, been busy today”, nothing. And we had plans cancelled last night and we havent set a new date to reschedule it. And now he’s got plans to go out. I’m happy he is going out with people, its just the fact that that was his priority over than plans we had. But oh well, thinking about it now its not a big deal, it was just in the moment I got abit heated over it. But yeah, I think the thing that acc upsetted me was that that was it, all he wanted to talk about over the phone was asking for a lift. Like I woulda preferred him acc talk about it? Say who’s going, who brought it up, idk just acc have a conversation. I think its coz Ive heard so little from him today, and yesterday too tbf. I’m not so meh about it now, but at the time of the call it had defo niggled at me. My mind makes me perceive things in the most worst light. It was just a question Georgia, he’s busy at work and its quicker to ask on a call than message me back, plus woulda looked rude to message me that after all the message I sent ? See it makes sense. Why can;t I think like this in the moment ?!?!? I’ve never driven to or thru walthamstow before, that’ll be interesting. I hope he gets drunk. Yes, a drunk Jordan and I can take him home !! I want him to have a good time out. 

what was I even writing about again ? Oh how I felt/feel. Well atm I’m just ill and tired. Atleast I’m super busy at work that stupid shit doesnt have time to affect me. I’ve had some fleeting thoughts.. tryna think of what so I could maybe bring it up to him later... but they have gone, thats the thing, they come and go and then theyre gone. Idk how to talk about sommin that just flashes by in my head. 

And omg yesterdayyyyy ! Like he’s asking whats wrong and its literally like someone in my head put everything in a bag and walked off with it. I had nothing to give him. And tbh I think its the way he asks? and the way he reacts? He thinks if he gets all strict he’ll get it outta me, but it shuts me off. Then he tells me to grow up, ugh I hate that. Again goes back to how he treats me. If I go nonverbal, I need a soft response. Like I have nothing in my head, therefore nothing is gonna come out??? So how is squinting at me and wording things in a mean way gonna help??? (see this is why I cant just let him read my blog, I feel like I word things in sucha mean way and I dont mean it to come across like that). 

And then that just freaked me out more coz then he brings up that his sister wants me over for dinner.... Not like its hard enough meeting her when she knows the history of everything. To then see him be around Lottie.. I’m so scared to see it. To see him treat her how I want to be treated. Him being soft and caring and playful. Like I’ll get upset and jealous and thats so messed up ?? And thats just one layer to it ! I still feel like Lottie will compare me to Georgia. She loved that kid and I know the kid loved her too, I aint that way inclined so like of course shes not gonna like me the same ? And Lottie means alot to Jordan so if we don’t get along enough or whatever that worries me. What if he sees I’m shit with kids and that turns him off of me? Its all just too much. Ik I’ll have to face it one day and meet and interact with her but I really dont want to. You;re probs overthinking it again, but am I really ? Like we know if she gets the soft cutesty attitude and treatment that it’ll be horrible to witness, aint overthinking that ? true. But maybe he isnt like that with her ? Thought of that ? But he mostly likely is.. You’ll just have to grin and bare the experience wont ya. I just dont want little me getting hurt anymore. It’s sucha fuzzy and supressed part of me now. Maybe thats why I havent been okay lately. 

Ive been feeling like I’m lacking something. I couldnt ever pin it. I always bring it back to me overthinking or being overly emotional or whatever. Like everytime I think “oh he doesnt want me as much anymore” or sommin he proves me wrong with his actions pretty soon after. But I still cant help feeling like theres sommin, idk if its missing or im not getting enough or what but idek what it is ? Am I making it up ? Well that’d be dumb, but you know you try to hurt yourself in weird ways. Youre probably convincing yourself youre not entirely happy because everything isnt tip top perfect but like ?? What is it then ? If it was real you wouldnt have to dig to find out, right ? Idk. 

I dont even feel the same as to when I started writing all this. How tf am I gonna relay this onto him later ? ooooo now I just thought about what he said yesterday, thats a wholeeeee other thing imma be thinking about now. I wanna write it down but I gotta still get shit done before end of work. maybe later 

[kaz11283]

ok ok idk if ur still taking request but can i have a drabble or a one shot or anything of loki dealing with/ taking care/ drinking with drunk y/n??? i’m drunk rn and that’s allll i need in life

Babysitter

The party at Starks compound was going off without a hitch, celebrating the man himselfs birthday. The music was to loud, lights flickering everywhere, and laughter bouncing off the walls.

"Come drink with us y/n!" Thor bellowed to you across the bar montioning you to follow him to the group that was sitting around one of the back tables. You flopped down next to Loki and let out a sigh.

"How are you this evening y/n?" He asked moving his leg over slightly so that he wouldnt have to touch you. That was your power, being able to read people minds with a simple touch, nights like tonight all ways set you on edge with to many people bumping, shoving, touching. The whole atmosphere drove you mad most of the time.

"Handling it." You forced a smile looking over at him. "Alcohol helps repress it." You said picking up your drink and giving a silent cheers to the handsome man that had decided to dress in a black dress shirt and dark colored jeans. You threw your head back and took the shot.

"Starting the party stong this evening y/n?" Tony asked raising his eyebrow at you.

"Putting everyone elses thoughts on the back burner for tonight Tony." You said smiling sweetly at him before taking another shot.

"So whos on babysitting duty tonight then?" Bucky laughed looking around the table.

"I'm not that bad-"

"Thor had to pull you off the bar last time before you started stripping." Your face turned bright red as you glanced over to Thor whos face was the same color mounthing out sorry.

"Dont worry I've got her this time." Loki laughted taking a sip of his wine.

"Babysitter." You rolled your eyes again taking a sip of the mixed drink that Nat had put in front of you making sure her hand grazed your.

Loki seems quite excited to be on babysotting duty tonight, you might be in for another private stripping session tonight.

You shot her a look that sent her into a fit of laughs.

"Another round then!" Thor yelled at the bar tender. "We are celebrating the Man of Iron tonight." You sighed slouching back in your chair.

"Relax, darling, I've got you tonight." Loki whispered leaning over to you. "I won't let you make a complete fool of your self."

As the night grew so did your buzz, your cheeks were getting warmer, and the dress you had on now started feeling constricting. You started pulling at the bottom and then neck.

"Your fidgeting darling." Loki said placing his hand on your leg causing you to jump.

"My dress is to tight. I just need to get up for a second." You said standing to walk over to the bar.

"Dress to tight?" Steve asked looking over at Loki.

"She had to get up for a moment." At that moment there was whistling coming from the dance floor.

"Umm, babysitter." Tony said pointing behind Loki. As he turned around he noticed that you had already started to pull the dress up more than you should have. Loki jumped up running toward you.

"Y/n, what are you doing?" He said grabbing your hands causing your dress to fall back down.

"Lok, I'm hot. So freaking hot. This dress, its to tight. I need it off." You said trying to shake him off.

"Come on then, lets get you out of here." He said pulling you out the door. You bumped into a man standing near the door.

Wish she would have finished. He doesnt deserve to be able to see all that undressed.

You stopped suddenly looking at the man before raring back and punching him in the face. "I dont think its any of your concern who sees me like that." Loki stopped and stared at you before escourting you out of the crowed room.

"Asshole." You huffed behind him. He was able to lead you to the floor where his room was. "You could have just taken me back to my room so that you could go back." You sighed flopping down on his bed. The buzz had slowly started wearing off but the room was still spinning.

"Its ok y/n. Besides if I'm taking care of you then I cant go back to that overrated party then can I?" He laughed sitting next to you.

"I get so tired of being able to hear what people are thinking. It is literally exhausting. Trying to find somewhere to sit thats not to close to someone. Especially one of the guys, all of yall are perverts. Course the girls are just as bad most of the time." You put your head in your hands tearing up. Nope, the drunk still wasnt over.

"The power that you have makes you you y/n. If you didnt have that power you wouldnt be here with your friends."

"Yeah friends that I can hug because im afraid that I might hear something that I shouldn't. I made that mistake once. I hugged Steve not even thinking and he was thinking about Nat. Like thinking about something that no one but those two should know about. After that I just stopped touching everyone. Do you know how bad that sucks?"

"Ah, touch starved." He said laughing. "May I try something?"

"Its no use, everyone tells me they can shut it all off but theres always something on their minds." You shrug.

"Give me your hand." He saod placing his hand out palm up. You begrudgingly put your hand in his causing him to smile. "Well?"

"I think im about to be sick." You said jumping up and running to his bathroom silently thanking Tony for sticking with one layout for every room.

"Oh dear." Loki said following you in there and grabbing ahold of your hair that had fallen. "I think you will live." He helped you sit on the side of the bathtub as he got a clean rag for you to whip your face.

"I'm sorry you got stuck with me tonight." You whispered closing your eyes.

"Stop that nonsense. I volunteered for it. I knew what was coming." He laughed as he walked out to his room to get you a clean shirt. "Now tell me. Did you hear anything when I touched you?"

"Actually no, I didnt even realize it when you was pulling me from the party." You said putting the shirt next to you. "How?"

"I can 'turn it off' if that makes any sense. Telepathic people drive me insane. Always trying to figure out what your thinking. I learned at a young age how to block stuff like that out. Wanda tends to be the worlds worst."

"Its nice. The quiet. I havent had that, ever." You leand your head aginst the cool wall closing your eyes.

"Hey, no no no. Lets get you changed and laid down in bed before you pass out." He pulled you to your feet and looked at you. "Do you need assistance?"

You laughted as him. "No. Its fine ive got this." You pulled your dress off and pulled his on before walking out and flopping down on his bed.

"Do you mind holding my hand? Its nice not having to worry about what i might hear." Loki laid down beside you and placed his hand in yours.

"If you ever need some quiet time you are more than welcome to come find me." He sais placing a kiss to your temple before you fell asleep.

Thank you so MUCH for the request! I hope you like it. I had one, erased it and restarted so thats what took took me so long to write this one. If you have any more please feel free to send them in!

Tag List:

@high-functioning-lokipath

@serpentargo

@drbaureid

@poetic-fiasco

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@rosaline-black

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@natandersonnla

@delightfulheartdream

[daaziscoolbesties]

minecraft endermen are really weird. theyre unnatural and make me feel off.

when i was a small child like seven years ago i would always play minecraft on creative mode and i made an ugly ass enderman "farm" made out of bricks. i had an enderman spawn egg and id just spam it and the enderman couldnt get out (so i thought). anyways having them in this enclosure was probably so i could feel "powerful" over them because to date theyre still the only mob in minecraft that makes me anxious. even above skeletons(which i used to have a horrible fear of (the real life ones not mc ones)) and spiders (which i still have a horrible fear of (again the real life ones not mc)). anyways the endermen just ended up completely teleporting out of the farm and i checked on my world the next day and they were all gone and i didnt appreciate it (this was the same world where my brother blew up my pets but thats a different story).

anyways back to endermen. besides the fact that i just didnt like dying and i did like building ugly structures, one of the main reasons i didnt play survival much for a while, or if i did id put it on peaceful, was because of the enderman. every time i passed one my heart would drop and if i happened to look it in the eye on accident my throat would feel like its closing up and idk why. if it sounds like im bullshitting you or not remembering correctly i swear im not because it still happens actually.

i play survival a ton more now simply because i enjoy it more, it feels like theres actually a goal to achieve, but i never really make efforts toward said goal(ya know, beating the dragon). none of my worlds are really created with the intention of beating the dragon, and therefore i dont have to worry about endermen. if i happen to be outside my house and theres one there, no worries i just wait for it to go away. it may spook me for a sec but im fine.

but recently me and my sister started a world with the sole purpose of beating the dragon. we may have cheated a little (like putting on keep inventory cause honestly we both suck at pvp and have died so many times) but its okay cause thats it. we still have to fight endermen to get pearls for the end portal. and so we were hanging out in the nether and made a little two block tall hidey hole and id stand by the front and taunt endermen to get them to come close so i could kill them without them being able to get to me and it worked really well actually. except for the fact that to get them to come near i had to get them to aggro onto me and to do that i have to look them in the eye and you know where this is going. and so i was like "it has been so long since i looked an enderman in the eye surely i cant still be scared of them" and i turn to my sister like "<sister> you stay in the hole ill get us some pearls"

so i go out and taunt the dudes and guess what bitch got the pit in their stomach from these fuckers!! thats right bestie and my throat started to close up and i started talking to my sister again but i could tell me voice was off from it and i dont know why it happens but it pisses me off. like theyre not even scary looking theyre just a bit odd. and i continue to do this and kill the endermen and it just. doesnt. stop. my throat keeps closing up and im not "in pain" or anything just inconvenienced like what the fuck dude its a bunch of fucking pixels. i dont know its weird.

and now this part is gonna sound super fuckin stupid but ever since i started watching dsmp i immediately got attached to ranboo (cc! and c!) and knowing that c!ranboo was half enderman made me really think "hm endermen arent that bad. granted i havent interacted with one in a while but still not that bad. perhaps my favorite hostile mob" because you know people get attached to characters and think dumb things. and then again ranboo's character straight up existing and also this one specific headcanon i saw that was like "endermen use telepathy to talk so when a player looks at them all their thoughts get projected into them and it hurts their brain :((" makes me feel kinda bad for aggro-ing them and killing them again even though its literally just some pixels dude. my brain is not kind to me about this stuff and its really dumb.

i dont know what about the endermen staring back at me sets off the sort of fight-or-flight that makes me unable to breathe for a second but its something. its not the fact that their jaws basically unhinge when theyre mad because the throat closing up sensation happens before that. it happens when i look at an enderman and it looks back up at me and holds my gaze. i dont know. i dont know why im worked up(even slightly) over a video game. theyre still my favorite hostile mob i think (not just because of ranboo honestly the other hostile mobs just kinda suck).

and also i like the idea of how humanoid they are. not human. humanoid. they have the basic aspects of a minecraft human- square, head, torso, legs, arms, eyes. most mc skins dont even have mouths anyways just eyes. but the endermen have these features differently than us. their eyes are unnatural, legs and arms too long, body all one color, one that can blend in, and you can only see its purple eyes staring you down from a distance. theyre basically just cryptids.

despite skeletons and even zombies looking closer to the player than the endermen, they still seem the most human-like of all of the mobs. they arent aggressive unless provoked. they dont like eye contact(socially awkward). they like picking up stuff and moving it around. theyre curious (i cant explain this one they just are, okay?). even the sounds they make are just phrases like "hey" "hello" "whats up" distorted and in reverse.

i want to know more about them.

i want to know where they came from.

why theyre found in every dimension.

why they sound like us.

i want explanations, i want to know why they scare us.

i want to know if they know.

if they know that we're like them in some way.

that some of us dont mean harm, but for others thats all they want to do to the endermen.

i saw a post once that said "what taught humans to be wary of things that look human, but arent?" i believe the phenomenon is called uncanny valley. what if in the minecraft universe, the thing that taught us that was endermen. or rather, the thing that taught the endermen that was us? because again, the endermen pose no threat to us unless theyre provoked. by one of us. the endermen try to communicate with us- "⊑⟒⊬" "⍙⊑⏃⏁⌇ ⎍⌿?"- but we kill them without reason. thats why they dont like eye contact, its been ingrained in them through evolution that eye contact with a human/player will end in death, and they dont want it to be theirs, so they attack first.

we- or rather, the first minecrafters, maybe (in the lore(?)) people before the game, taught the endermen to fear us. i mean we literally kill them, use their remains to enter their home dimension, and then kill their leader/mother. they do their best to stop us, but we can respawn and they cant. and then, some people even go as far as to make farms, having them all spawn in one place, crowded, cant teleport out- their only defense mechanism gone- and then are slaughtered for their pearls. and due to the mass of these farms there will be chests upon chests full of pearls that no one's using, i saw someone the other day ask what people do with them and someone straight up said they just burn them like god what a waste.

"but izzy, players make mob farms all the time and not just for endermen!!!1!!11! why are the endermen ones so bad why are you only talking about those1!1!1!!!1" 1) because i can, 2) this is an endermen-themed post, and 3) i dont like the other mobs. and of course im not actually mad at the players who like beating the game and making endermen farms and such, i mean thats what it is its all just a game just a bunch of code, 0's and 1's, so why does it matter why bother writing a whole post on it?

because when you look paste the game, when you read in between those ones and zeroes and discover this non-intentional lore, it can make things so much more,, interesting. this is fanfic material. hell, its probably fanart material too. its all for the content to see what the community can create i guess. or maybe i just really like talking about endermen and this has been on my mind for two days now and once i started typing i couldnt stop.

but yeah, thats my final thoughts.

we, humans, experience uncanny valley about the endermen.

but the endermen experience uncanny valley about the players.

[bigskydreaming]

That last reblog is very informative and useful in figuring out where to find certain storylines. Purely on a personal recommendation note, for anyone looking for good reads and who tends to like my take on things, my recs from that list (and not saying that others I don’t rec aren’t good, just what immediately popped into my head) would be:

Batman: The Long Halloween (yes. its a good)

Batman: Birth of the Demon (if you want to set canon on fire, as many people are wont to do, a good place to start is aggressively ignoring Morrison’s take on Damian’s birth and origin and instead treating this story as his origin and just building off the idea that Talia lied at the end which is waaaaaaaaay better and just like...go from there)

Batman: The Killing Joke (kill it with the fire. we’ve had enough of the killing joke. it can die. even alan moore hates it and he wrote it and alan moore usually loves everything he writes and hates everyone ELSE for like, liking it the wrong way, so I mean, that should tell you a lot)

Batman: The Cult (holy shit I totally forgot about this story and now am off to go reread it again myself)

I have Issues with how ADITF AND A Lonely Place of Dying play out and most popular takes on them, so like, I’m not like, recommending RECOMMENDING them, but I mean like, they are pivotal.

Batman: Knightfall, Legacy, Cataclysm and all things No Man’s Land related have some good stuff throughout all of them. Like, things I don’t like, sure, but overall, there’s a lot of good material in them. Also, a good way to get a strong sense of actual canon Tim, who is not fanon Tim, and who would probably take one look at fanon Tim and go LOL nerd, and kickflip away on his skateboard to go tell Nightwing about this AU version of himself he just met, as like, he actually likes and respects Nightwing, among other differences.

JLA Tower of Babel (its a yawn from me, lads. the source of pretty much all “Batman can beat all of the JLA because he has the greatest superpower of all: PREP TIME!!!” hot takes and I mean, yeah that’s pretty core to Batman and who he is at this point, but the story itself its just like. Eh. Could you not. Idk. Basically I just mean this is all part of an era of JLA that for the most part I actually tend to LIKE Bruce’s interactions with the rest of the team, but then there was this and it was just like. Eh. Could you not).

Bruce Wayne: Murderer? and Bruce Wayne: Fugitive (Quality reads IMO that emphasize the Detective part of the Batfranchise and contain good moments for the whole currently present Batfam, lots of great Cass and Dick stuff in particular. Idk. I havent read them in awhile but I have fond memories)

Batman: Hush (this gets a bad rep and not entirely deserved IMO. Like, its not the greatest story in the world but I like how it portrays Bruce as having flawed dynamics with a lot of his loved ones but not shying away from his role in that but also without overly vilifying him....he’s an appropriately complex character in this, is what I mean, and I also like that this is another story that emphasizes the often lost-and-forgotten Detective part of his core concept. Also, it utilizes some of my fave villains in ways that bring home how much potential certain combinations/team-ups of villains could have if they were utilized more instead of overlooked in favor of ITS TIME FOR THE JOKER AGAIN WHEEEEEEEE!)

Batman: Under the Red Hood (hahahhahaha no. like could you imagine me reccing this? LOL its not realistic. Nah, stick with the animated movie retelling. At least Bruce doesn’t slit his son’s throat in that one to save the damn clown again)

Batman: R.I.P (I reluctantly rec this not because I like it, cuz I don’t, its Morrison back on his bullshit in a most I AM THE MOST GALAXY BRAINED OF ALL THE GALAXY BRAINED AND ALSO IM A CHAOS MAGICIAN DID U KNOW THAT HUH DID YA DID YA, like, fashion. Its. A lot. The story is A Lot. I don’t say that in a complimentary way. BUT I recommend it anyway out of pure stubbornness and Dick Grayson fanboy spite, as its set like, directly before Bruce is believed dead and gets lost in time, and like, A LOT happens to Dick in that story that SHOULD BE extremely relevant and crucial to examinations of his mental and emotional state at the time of him assuming Bruce’s role in the family and as Batman, but that just like....ISN’T, and that annoys me. Also, the primary villain of this, Dr. Hurt, like.....

his grand endgame involved torturing the fuck out of Dick to hurt Bruce specifically, and pretty much the first thing that happens when Bruce DOES come back from being lost in time is Dr. Hurt pops up out of nowhere and shoots Dick in the head, like FIRST THING, like this is the absolute first thing Bruce has to deal with when coming back, and this is just like....NONEXISTENT in most fics about that era. Because lolol how can we blame Dick for everything that went wrong and make Bruce be mad at him for how Dick wronged Tim and Jason and all of Gotham probably, if we’re going by actual canon and thus dealing with the fact that Bruce is preoccupied with hovering over his just-shot-in-the-head-specifically-to-fuck-with-Bruce son’s bedside and WORRYING about him. LOLOL hashtag Fandom Willfully Erases The Majority of Dick’s Canon Traumas Not Because They Want To Set Canon On Fire - they’re usually fine with sticking to every instance of canon in which Dick does something even in the ZIP CODE of wrong - but rather because if we acknowledge Dick’s traumas then eww, he might come across as....sympathetic? No, we can’t have that. ERGO HE WAS NEVER SHOT IN THE HEAD HAHAHAH WE FIXED IT, WE FIXED CANON).

But I digress.

Battle for the Cowl (another reluctant rec because like, its dumb and its bad, but its one of those things that I’d still rather more people read than didn’t, because like it is pivotal and relevant, and it contains key plot points like oh Idk, Arkham literally blowing up as all the currently locked up inmates escape, which led to Dick having Wayne Enterprises rebuild it himself, and like, the only villains present in it when he was Batman being the villains he and Damian CAUGHT while he was Batman, which did NOT include the Joker, and thus all the hot takes about how Dick locked up Jason two doors down from his murderer like the uncaring bastard that he is, like.....instead of the reality that Dick pulled strings to have Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate when the POLICE ARRIVED ON SCENE AND LOCKED UP THE ANONYMOUS RED HOOD BECAUSE HE WAS CLEARLY DEFEATED AND CLEARLY A WANTED CRIMINAL AND THUS LIKE, HIS IMPRISONMENT LITERALLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DICK OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT DICK DEFEATED JASON RATHER THAN LETTING HIM KILL HIM AND DAMIAN.....

like, its literal canon that Dick explains himself for having Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate because it allowed him to keep Jason OUT of gen pop where he had literal dozens of enemies that he, Jason, WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING THEM IN THERE HIMSELF, and it was to keep Jason SAFE, and it WORKED as Jason’s only actual canon complaint at that time was that he was BORED. So in conclusion, AS ALWAYS, you can do what you want, but when you literally manufacture the fake fanon - and completely fail to make any effort to establish that this is NOT actual canon and that you’re not actually riffing off of an actual canon moment - that Dick callously locked his brother up a few doors down from his own murderer (the dude that Dick himself literally once beat to death because he killed Jason).....like, inquiring minds would like to know, why are you trying so hard to make Dick look like THIS MUCH of an asshole, hmm?)

Batman: The Gates of Gotham (a weird, but fun little read IMO, that delves deep into the backstory of Gotham, the Waynes, and also Dick’s ancestors the Crownes, and establishes a lot of the history revolving around all of the above, and like, it actually has Dick as Batman and being competent and respected by the rest of the family in that role, and its also one of the only times Cass and Damian interacted one on one, stuff like that)

Batman and Robin Eternal (eww no, kill it also with the fire, burn it, I hate it, uggggggh why is this series so praised, its so baaaaaaaaaaaad, its like what if literally every character involved in it is an asshole to Dick for no valid reason whatsoever.....huh, weird thought, wonder if the fact that its so praised as being so good and Dick’s so hated for weird reasons by a lot of fandom are connected....almost like.....the fiction influenced how people viewed his character....and thus....critical commentary of how the fiction was bad is....relevant....HMM I MUST PONDER THIS STRANGE AND NOVEL THOUGHT).

[loverofallthingssmart]

also girl help idk how to use goodreads i want to find better poc written books so bad <3

ITS SO EASY!!! goodreads is genuinely the best so user-friendly im obsessed with it

okay okay so apparently i made one a LONG time ago and ive only just started using it right now but its so!!!!! i quickly created a random account to see how it goes again so here we go!!

first u create an account basic things email, password so on. then it asks you for like making friends and setting a goal its rlly overwhelming at first so just skip it bc u can. next u choose ur favorite genres and then it asks u to rate some popular books? except i havent read any of them so i just clicked im finished and moved on. then u have ur account!

setting up ur like profile isn't necessary but i did like just my name, profile pic (which i think is amazing), and quick like 10 word description mine is so simple (goodreads is so nice they have like preset questions you can just answer and that will ALSO pop up in your description)

(there's a quote section too that only on desktop where you can fin quotes and like them and its fun i have like 6 but unnecessary so don't worry about it!!)

after this i just followed a bunch of authors of color and booktubers (also of color) i watch bc white content creators who? i only know people of color. no like im genuinely realizing i only watch content creators of color help good for me ig <3

.......which im realizing may have influenced my feed. i also added some mutuals from tumblr as friends which!!! add me if u make one!!!

the thing though is in order to get recs u have to have read books and like. rated them and BC all i read are poc written books, i get recs reflecting that but its super easy!!! u find a book (any of the ones ive talked about on tunglr will do and maybe i AM plugging my goodreads here shut up <3! <- that might help with finding some books) and rate it and the thing about goodreads is there's automatically a 'read', 'currently reading' and 'to read' bookshelf so u just click one of those and BAM! u have a bookshelf

u can also create new bookshelves, i have an authors of color one, a desi one, and a romances that are GOOD one and add on to those and have one book in more bookshelves and stuff

and likeokay so if u pull ONE book up they'll have like below it a 'similar to this book' and its everything bc say the book is a romcom by an asian author the similar books are ALSO mostly romcoms by asian authors goodreads is so <3333

i think that's it here you go beloved a crash course into goodreads by yours truly which got OBSCENELY long i apologize greatly i just came back from outside and i guess i needed to ramble???? but yeah <3 if u don't want to make an account literally TOTALLY okay just check my goodreads which again: right here! and my tbr which is full of books written by mostly asian authors? but a LOT of poc so yeah. <3 have fun darling

[underwaterdogballs]

The Birth House - Ami McKay

[ im only a new reader, so im still working on the reading daily thing ]

time it took me - 2-3 days (i was really into it lol)

published - 2006

pages - 368

TW for book: physical abuse, sexual abuse, sex scenes, sexism, violence, teen pregnancy + birth

chapters - 47 + epilogue, and there are notes from the Willow Book at the end (i actually typed the whole thing up lmao ( x ) )

genre - historical / realistic fiction

5/5 stars (but my standards are really fucking low, so don’t trust me)

honest opinion - I loved it. It was a great book for me. I loved the MC (stands for Main Character), and it was just a great book all around. I can't put my opinion into words, but I'd highly recommend it, but if you've faced sexual abuse and/or teen pregnancy I might pass it up, as it may be triggering.

basic summary (no major spoilers) (im writing this 3-4 months after reading the book, so sorry if a bit inaccurate) - 

Takes place in 1910s-1920s (WWI), Nova Scotia. Basically Dora Rare (first daughter in 5 generations of Rares), is drawn to Miss Babineau, a midwife and eventually after a few years becomes a midwife herself. But soon Dr. Gilbert Thomas, comes by and brings promises of quick, painless birth, and now many people start to question Babineau’s methods. Miss B disappears, and now Dora has to fight for her traditions. 

in depth ‘summary’ (spoilers. and a whole lot of them) !!CW!! physical abuse, sexual abuse(?), few sex scenes - 

Alrightie, buckle up.

“On the evening of a full moon in June, Silent went out in his canoe to catch the shad that were spawning around the tip of Cape Split. As the night wore on, Annie began to worry that some ill had befallen her love. . . . She walked to the cove where they had first met and began to call to him, promising her heart, her fidelity and a thousand loves to his name. The moon, seeing Annie’s sadness, began to sing, forcing the waves inland, strong and fast, bringing Silent safely back to his lover. Since that time, every child born from the Rare name has been male, and even now, when the moon is full, you can hear her voice, the voice of the moon, singing sailors home.” < why all Rare children have been men (for past 5 gen) >

Dora Rare is the only daughter in 5 generations of Rares. When Dora is first mentioned, she is 17 years old, and has 6 older brothers. Marie Babineau drags Dora to Mrs. Experience Ketch’s 13th kid, which would be a very prominent memory. Anyway if she didn’t give birth to this child today, she’d die. So she did, but she did not want her child. She pushed him away. So he died. Mr. Ketch is not deserving to be called a father, but here we are. Being the 1910s, he was a sexist wanker. “’I don’t trust nothin’ that can’t piss standin’ up.”’ like bitch who the fuck do you think you are?? 

Mrs. Ketch is a victim of serious domestic abuse, if the amount of children didn’t tell you otherwise (women can choose to have this many children, but... holy fuck.)

Archer, someone who Dora is sorta fond of (its been a while, dont remember her feelings), didn’t wish to fight in the war, but Grace and Precious really didn’t fucking like that. “’If I could, I’d march through Europe myself, killing Huns right and left, gutting them with a bayonet and crushing their skulls with the heel of my boot. But I can’t, and neither can any other woman who might wish for victory over evil... and neither can these boys who are too young to serve their king.’ She glared at Archer. ’But you can’” Mate. Take notes from Mulan. Masquerade as a man and beat them all. Fucking coward.

After Archer drags Dora to an empty room, Dora starts to become a horny fuck, and he begins undressing her, she mentions that that was her first kiss, and this Archer hoe backs off, and leaves.

Dr. Thomas comes bearing promises of quick and painless births. He makes Miss B and Dora seem like they’re using wooden tools and sawing a woman in half to get her baby out and taping her back together. Like stfu.

Well, a chapter or 2 later, Dora learns that she is marrying Archer, and she can’t refuse it. 

A couple pages later, on the start of chapter 18, B orders Dora to get her 2 long-handled spoons and to grease them up with tallow, to get a teacup cover out from Grace Hutner’s sweet spot, cause she’s a horndog.

On the day before their wedding night, Archer wants Dora to give him a bj. A motherfucking blowjob. As a thanks for the permission to marry him. 

“Come on, Dorrie. Just get on your knees. It won’t take long, no one needs to know. Now open up that mouth and take me in.” im not even going to say anything.

Anyway, the day before Dora has to marry Archer Bigelow, Miss B dies. :(

Archer wants Dora to give up the midwifery stuff (i think its sorta cool tbh, but k mate). This horny fuck wants sex every damn night. The book mentions the ‘supposed to hurt the first time’ and ‘breaking a woman in’ and just to let you know, the book talks like this bc it’s set in the 1910s-1920s, but irl, it doesn’t have to hurt the first time, i don’t think (but i havent fucked yet, and i dont plan to so idk), and breaking a woman in makes it sound like an object of some sort. 

On page 174, Archer attempts to punch her, but he misses and makes a hole in the wall. 

Dora gives in to sex when she doesn’t want to, and bc of her ‘obligations as a wife’  he treats her more like a sex toy than a human being. (not every guy is a piece of shit in this book, just most of them)

She heads to Dr. Thomas through a friend or her familys advice, and is diagnosed with hysteria, which is probably just ignored horniness, or a high libido or smth, the Doc basically uses a vibrator thing on her and the book states it’s better than what she’s felt in the arms of her husband.

(im wrapping this up cause my fingers are cold)

Influenza starts to pop up, and after Dora is outcasted for her practices, she goes to one of her older brothers.

Brady Ketch, husband of Experience Ketch, dumps his beat up and bruised pregnant 13-year old daughter on Dora’s doorstep, she dies, but delivers a perfectly healthy baby that Dora adopts as her own, and names Winnie/Wennie or whatever the fuck her name was.

After she comes back, she turns back to midwifery, and bars Dr. Thomas with a pitchfork after he attempts to interrupt a delivery (not Ketch’s daughter, as she died in childbirth) (obvi)

Archer dies out in sea, after Dora didn’t give him a thing known for protecting sailors from drowning and to bring them home safe and sound. But Archer has a brother, Hart, and claimed that he always had feelings for her, and he was disgusted at how he treated her. Dora doesn’t marry him, but stays as his lover. Also, the epilogue is about electricity coming to Scots Bay.

[sapkathehat]

sapka log 2

December 20th 2020 1:35AM CST

i want to make comics, write, game develop and whatnot but still working on that i suppose.

i have some probelms that i need to like work with, alot with perfectionism. like right now even im tempted to go back to the other sapka log to make sure the format is the same with spacing and whatnot, but why. this is just a random log so who cares if this one is different than the other. idk maybe somethings wrong with me, nevertheless im trying to just go with the flow. some of my fav and better series like the bartholomew comic and hatfox comic were a result of just going with the flow, and they only ended when i tried to complicate things which lead to getting caught up with lore and schedules and whatever i was thinking of doing that wasnt just the silly little fox comic it was.

one of my biggest things is worrying about the future and the public perception of my works. like i imagine how fandoms could grow and their assumptions about lore and character moments, or how this plot could be viewed as a ripoff of something ive seen before or not seen yet, and how that could be bad. But the thing is, im thinking about this stuff when im planning the series. like no characters are concrete, no settings, plots or anything, just a simple idea. i over complicate things and try to perfect ideas before i even put anything into reality. idk why, but i prob do and just havent sat and thought about it.

i could theorize that its because i dont have anyone to talk too about cartooning who is serious about it. but this goes into my probelms with befriending people and thinking they dont like me so i just disappear. i just dont know how to talk to people or deal with them properaly so at this point im just isolating until i fix things myself but i dont think thats working and its like doing the opposite? i dont actively look for friends since i fear rejection so i just get stuck in a stalemate with myself over what i should do since i could look for friends and get rejected or make a friend only to think they hate me over a small mistake so i just stop talking to them putting me in the same situation. ill just wait for people to come to me or wait for some burst of confidence to get me a friend, or just situation. even though i never get in the situation to meet people since idk.

this is just a ranty, venty, sob story thing at this point so ill prob delete it out of shame like many a project has ended after i missed an upload or made a small error.

(im literally thinking about how people are going to read these and like expect a plotline so i was like i need to make this a plot, but why would i do that? why would that cross my mind? idk maybe im ill or because its 1:25am. so no this is just going to be a log about myself and hopefully my work if i ever make anything)

[hauntedtotem]

💗 🌠 🌟 🎁 🐇 🎵 🍀 😣 💥 🎨 😔 💫

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? 

my fiance bc we’re stuck long distance rn and I wanna see them ;^;

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

realistically? Ive tried to think about this alot but i don't know how to run the government or anything so I don't even know what that would look like in reality. one major thing i’d like to change is how predators get away with little to no sentencing. and the world would be much more eco-friendly, primarily i’d like to focus on restoring the coral reefs

but if we mean in a fantasy setting? i’d make certain areas have one specific weather all the time, like its always raining in this town or its always sunset at waterparks. weird ideal I guess? and winter would just not be a thing. or ig i’d make it so winter only happens in specific places. it’d just be cool to freeze time in certain areas.

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

nice eyelashes, good imagination (not so much when im awake, but my dreams are always really cool), Idk what else??

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

playing Xenosaga, talking to my fiancé, or daydreaming/discussing BEN Drowned

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

mainly fanfics I read that were never finished, I try to make my own ending but its always impossible. and I like daydreaming about the ARG and how  characters would react in different situations, I like thinking about crossovers and what they would think about the similarities between them and other franchises

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

Record Player

Will Wood - Better than the Alternative 

Kongos - You Are Strange

My Ordinary Life

A Good Look

Will wood - BlackBoxWarrior

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I think we all already know  👀

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

my irl ex-best friend physically abused one of my friends and sexually assulted two of my other irl friends and there was a big falling out, but she says she didn't do anything wrong and tried to claim that I manipulated ppl into cutting ties w her? and she sent herself hate messages and tried to spread them around saying i sent it when i havent talked to her since February, which was months before my friends came out about the crap she was doing to them. and about two months ago she got a tumblr and even tho she’s been offline, idk when shes coming back and when she does she may find my current account and see that ive been talkin about her. which normally would be like, whatever- but she lives just 20 minutes away from me and has been to my house before, so I worry she might try to show up and start shit??

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

noo youre gonna get me cancelled 

well, I think all organized religion is bad so theres that.

 a lot of people say “jeff the killer was 13 in his story, but you cant draw him as 13 bc it was written in x year and hes a human so he ages, so hes 30 now and you have to portray him that way” and I think that's really stupid because hes a fictional character. hes not real, no other fandom goes by that rules, idk why people are treating him like a real person? like, if you took a character from a show in the 80s that doesn't mean the character is now 40 years older than they were in the original work, because theyre just a character and the characters don't age in real time bc theyre not real. you can make content that takes place before, during, right after, or years after his initial story, you don't need to portray him as he would be if he was a real person in todays time. I've seen people attack young artists and generally being really aggressive about this and I don't get it

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

I honestly haven't doodled since I was in school, anything I draw now is for full drawings and not just fun private doodles

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

write a bunch of angst in my head, sleep, but those don't rly work, the one that works for me is just kinda go completely offline for a week and play games.

💫 who inspires you?

for art, its Krooked-glasses, nelnal, akorhaphi, funamusea, pengosolvent, ghost, ehxkor, par0llel, junji ito, and a couple more I cant remember rn. some of these are people on DeviantArt that aren't active anymore

[ghostfruits]

hey can i ask a personal question for the members of ghostfruits; how do u guys personally deal with suicidal ideation and self harm? i notice that theres alot of mentions of death/depression/suicide/etc in your comics, and im a huge fan of you guys and im currently struggling with my own demons and thought I would ask. i hope this isnt too intrusive, feel free to ignore me.. - a suicidal, depressed fan.

i know we’re in public rn but i’m gonna just talk to u like a person, real quick. im going to talk to u like i would have if u were like in front of me

its like 2am and so im worried i might not be as lucid as i think. im sorry in advance if this is like, whole gibberish

im gonna speak for just myself, as the the person who is most often inserting specifically that kind of shit into our work, but definitely not like, the only person on this side like massively struggling with a similar variety of things

i dont know

a lot of people seem to be making work about problems they Used To have, and like ways they Used To feel, and like overcame, and then it becomes safe for them to make like, art about it. like the turmoil happens behind the scenes and then they like open up abt it publically after the fact via art. or at least like thats what im seeing happen, or like, ppl talk abt like "i made this bc it would have helped me figure my shit out sooner if someone had made s/t like this for me" and the like, probably dissappointing truth of it here is i'm bleeding in like real time. i dont have solutions to it. you and me are both in the immediate thick of the same kind of emotion. i didnt manage to puzzle it out. when i was 9 i started feeling like i wanted to kill myself and im 25 and ive wanted that, still, the entire time. i dont all the way know why its like that. sometimes i used to think it was like, a reaction to specific kinds of hardship or loss or dissatisfaction with my circumstances, but lately ive been worried that maybe good things or good times or good feelings are just like, distracting me from something that is my Actual desire, that being dead is the path im just like occassionally straying from. when i say that out loud i have a really easy time imagining a second person telling me that isnt a healthy thing to be saying or feeling, which usually means it isnt, but thats like, really how i am feeling, that is really where i am at with it. that probably means i dont have any business directing another persons like, outlook on it

so

while i cant tell you how to live with it, or cope with it, or manage it, bc im not doing any of those things, i can tell you really confidently that i dont think you should be dead, and you're being misdirected by either yourself or the world or like something else altogether into thinking thats the key that fits into whatevers in front of you. i know i dont know you, but i know like, a lot of people, and iv never felt like any of them should be dead. ive never met anybody who i thought itd be like fine if they died. theres people im hugely indifferent to, theres people i hate, there are people who have hurt me or others enormously and ive still never thought in earnest like "this persons best plan of attack i think is to kill themselves"not like anybody. not like anybody ever. iv said some fucking wild shit abt niggas but iv never said that, and i cant imagine ever saying it. or thinking it, or feeling it. i dont imagine youd be like an exception to that

thats easy to say, but, im not the person who has to live with it tho. thats easy to say to you but you still have to wake up tomorrow and live out whatever has got you so fucked up you're at like, a death point with it, and if youre coming here to ask abt it, youve probably exhausted a lot of other options already ill bet. and its like, probably wack as fuck to meet like another dead end here too. i dont know if youre still reading this even. i probably wouldnt be. iv had madd niggas hem and haw at me forever abt "temporary problems permanent solutions" and then just like shuffle me out of their office or living room or whatever and expect im not supposed to like pop myself on their doorstep. niggas acting like im fucking playing. like i got it out of my system bc we had one conversation and now im supposed to go eat lunch and be regular. idk. id be very mad at me, if i were you. i dont know if you are, but i wouldnt blame you for that. the reason i say all this is to articulate like;its possible that after hitting another roadblock here, youll feel like, "ok then fuck it" and like set your sights on just like, doing it. like bc i didnt have any jewels for u it would like reinforce it maybe. i would like u to consider this tho;

theres MADD niggas smarter than me. i was extremely useless to you just now. this is not like the pinnacle of help you're ever going to get. the answers you need for this exist even if youve already turned over a dozen rocks and theyve all been like, as useless, as this, tht has like absolutely no bearing on if the next rock will have useless shit under it. every single time u flip a coin it has the exact same chance of going one way or the other. this like did not have the medicine u need in it but the main thing i would want to stress to u is that it *does* exist and uve just had like a supremely shitty time finding it

somebodys got it. the only thing i can like confidently promise u is that somewhere, somebody, definitely knows the answer to this. u might be the person even. im not sure. /i/ def havent found it but like its in the mix somewhere. idk

i cant prove it to u but im positive ur not done yet, & you should stay

i didnt read back over any of this after i typed it, & so im gonna apologize again if it was just like, fullblown nonsense

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Anon questions: 1. What is the CIA business you've mentioned? 2. Is it okay living with your parents? (sorry but reading all the abusive stuff they've done to you made me worried..) :( and 3. How are you truly??? Drinking enough water?? Therapy? All the best to you you're awesome ♥️

you are a sweetie anon xD I rambled so i put it under a cut ahahah!

1. So when my job contract with the japanese government ended, i planned to work for the CIA once I returned to the states :) I worked in japan for 4years, and that job application took an entire year to apply (extensive federal background checks, medical exams, pages upon pages of questions, requirements including a 2 page essay in japanese about why i was qualified for the job, and an interview at the US embassy in los angeles with a japanese diplomat, an american diplomat, and someone who held the position i was applying for). I scored extremely highly among those accepted.

Getting into the CIA was going to be relatively simple in comparison (im one of those ‘college was easier than high school’ kids lolol) xD Then the election happened and i said fuuuuuck that shit i have a soul im not working for this administration. Now I bartend xD

2. YES! i understand its not at all normal or ‘okay’, and nothing ive said or been super upset about has been untrue, but i understand my place in life and how much im at the mercy and charity of others or not, and how to deal living in this type of environment and choosing my battles wisely, but im not paying rent, im aware of how much resources i use here and how i contribute to the household, so i mean i know i have it way better than a lot of people, but stuff from the past cropping up now and then in other behaviors does make me relive trauma so like... idk im good i guess? Im trying to pay down my debt so staying here helps me do that. A lot of the abusive stuff like objectively its bad, but subjectively, i mean i have a good life now in comparison? especially considering that i think what i went through as a child was way harder than what im going through now. My standards arent very high tho ahaha i mean what im comparing how good life is now compared to how it was, i should have no complaints xD I can take food from the fridge or cupboard when im hungry without getting beat for it, hot showers, meat regularly, and i have my own room with a bed that always stays where it is so thats cool. It’s extremely hard to reconcile the way i grew up with what i experience now and knowing i had it worse then so why does it hurt so much worse now? or like idk ahahha i mean i love my family even if they’ve been responsible for some of my very darkest moments of my life. It’s just more obstacles to understand and adapt around haha im dead inside but doing fine since xmas is over! Whenever the bar gets sets lower, it just means it takes that much more to disappoint me, which conversely means i understand how good the good moments actually are so im very very easily pleased bahaha!

3. I AM FINALLY REHYDRATED!! And my friend called that therapist i wanted to see multiple times (she never picked up; im assuming she was away for the xmas/new years holidays) but no i havent been able to get in yet, but im feeling mentally so much more balanced now that december is over and january is almost done. They’re not good months for me whatsoever and only now do i realize just how excessive my drinking/smoking was by the fact i actually still have beer in the fridge from weeks ago right now xD I suddenly dont need it, and that realization tells me a lot about my mental state, sooo im optimistic i think? haha anyways im super excited about going to Wondercon this year and hanging out with friends, and i have two kitties (who ive got trained to put themselves in their crate at night xD theyre not even 1yr yet xD) and i managed to make a considerable dent in my debt this year (as long as nothing happens with my teeth again this year i should make a lot of progress!) so like, ive got some things to look forward to. Working on stress management too haha but we’ll see! ♡ ♡ ♡