#idk imma let this sit in my drafts for a bit and see if i come up with a way to put a new part in it

[stanknotstark]

Easy Aim (Is Only Exciting Once or Twice) Pt. 5 (Loki x Reader)

Loki’s turn to be a woman in every sense. Guys normally react pretty badly to our level of cramping but I don’t make Loki react too badly because he’s a warrior and probably has felt worse pain. If anything it’s more uncomfortable for him but not enough to warrant much reaction! 

Finally. 

It’s Loki’s turn to suffer. 

You hadn’t come up with a way to get back at the god but karma was a bitch. 

Loki walked into the kitchen and because of his obvious mood the team became quiet. You’re pretty sure the temperature dropped like five degrees too. 

“Who pushed you out the wrong side of bed, seeing as you haven’t had your cereal yet?” Tony asked. 

You snorted into your bite of eggs. 

Loki scathingly looked at you and Tony.

“I will piss on your mother’s grave, Stark.” Loki bites at the man. 

“Loki!” You yelled at the man. Going for Tony’s mother was off limits. Kind of like how the team didn’t ask questions about Loki’s true parentage. 

Tony waved you off with a smile. 

“Oh, you didn’t get pushed out of bed. You woke up with a big red spot on the sheets, didn’t you?” Tony says with a light voice. 

Realization dawns on you. Loki drops the bagel he had picked up and looks to you with squinted eyes. 

Loki had obviously never dealt with this when he shapeshifted. 

You quickly stand, gather Loki’s breakfast and push him out of the kitchen, with little resistance, and towards the direction of your room. Ignoring the Avengers questions and concerns. You were so worried you left your own breakfast.

When you both reach your floor. You make him set his breakfast down in the living room, then push Loki to your bathroom and have him sit on the toilet. 

It’s too silent so you start talking to fill it.

“Usually when I’m about to start I get extremely horny the week before. Then when the actual day hits I’m cramping like crazy, mostly in my lower back.” You explain as you pull out a bunch of pads from under your sink. 

Loki looks at you with something akin to fear but it’s not quite fear, when you glance at him.

“That explains the pain...” Loki whispers with realization.

“The second day is the heaviest so you’ll need to check your pad more so than usual and keep a bottle of Midol nearby because the cramping is terrible. Wait, do Earth medicines even work on you?” You ask the god, freezing your looking to look at him but continue when he shrugs at you. 

“The second day you’re also going to deal with mood swings, like, bad so maybe stay away from people?” You tell Loki as you realize you didn’t give him night pads so you search under your sink again.

“The third day it lightens up and usually my hormones balance out. The fourth day you’ll still need to wear a pad, it’ll only be spotting but it’ll spot enough to bleed through your clothes. If you feel like randomly crying at the smallest things, or even something as random as someone sneezing that is normal.” You explain to Loki. 

“Wait, I have read about periods, to an extent, but why am I having one exactly?” Loki asks.

You leave the room to find a plastic bag for all the stuff you’re giving Loki, when you come back you explain to Loki who sits there patiently. “Your uterus is shedding it’s walls because you’re not pregnant.” 

Loki squints at you. 

“How many times does this occur in your lifetime?” 

“Once a month till you hit menopause.” You tell him flippantly. 

You smile as Loki looks bewildered. 

“When do you experience menopause and when do periods generally begin?” 

“Usually around fifty and they start around twelve but can start as early as eight years old.” You shrug down at him. 

Loki closes his eyes, rubs a hand over his face with a sigh. When his hand drops he shakes his head. “And males have the gall to call presenting females weak.” 

You actually laugh at that causing Loki to softly smile up at you. 

“I uh, suggest buying some panties that you don’t care about, comfortable too, because you’re going to get blood on them whether you like it or not. I would offer you my panties but that is...gross, for some reason, even if you are in my body.” You babble out to Loki who nods at you as he stands. 

You throw the pads he holds into the plastic bag you hold, throw the nightly pads in, throw in a new bottle of Midol then hand it to him. 

“Eat with me, I’ll answer all your questions after you put a pad on of course.” You tell Loki, leaving the bathroom. You’re pretty sure he can figure out the pad. 

You sit waiting in the living room on the big couch. 

Loki comes out of your room not long after and sits next to you, pulling his plate from the coffee table and getting comfy. 

You’re shocked but Loki decided to sit pushed up against you. You wrap an arm around his shoulders which causes him make a happy noise while he chews and leans into your arm. 

“I guess this explains last night.” You say randomly thinking about the way Loki reacted to you yesterday. 

Loki chews through his honey bagel and nods. 

“It also explains why I’ve been getting wet for the past few days.” He admits without thought. 

You look down at him with a raised brow. “Oh?”

“Yes. There was a time where Steve was lifting something heavy and seeing his muscles bulge made me wet.” Loki explains, eating away, not looking at you but speaking as if he has no care about what he’s sharing. Another milestone you figure.

“There was a moment where you were laughing at something Tony said and that made me wet, I could not fathom why.” 

You laugh a little shocked Loki is sharing this with you. 

“Also, when you were hard that made me wet.” Loki finishes starting to pick at some grapes you had grabbed for him. 

“You’ll tell me you got wet but refuse to tell me you have feelings?” You ask teasingly.

Loki glares at you. 

You smile. 

Loki goes back to his food and you settle further into the couch causing Loki to further settle into your arm. 

“I thought periods last for seven days, did I read false information? Why do yours only last four?” Loki asks after he’s chewed through some of his food.

You hum. “Well everyone is different. Some people last three days, some last the usual seven, some people don’t have them monthly, some do.” You explain. “However if they don’t have them monthly that’s because of a disorder or because they’re young and haven’t balanced out yet.” You thoughtlessly explain better.

Loki is quiet for a bit but then asks. “And you did not know this period was coming?” 

You laugh lightly as your hand around Loki’s shoulders plays with your hair. It’s soft and silky. “Well, I don’t take birth control, I had a bad reaction to the one’s they gave me so I can’t really predict when they’re going to hit me. I can generalize between a few weeks but that’s it.” 

Loki hums, licking honey off his fingers. It’s just as cute as it sounds.

It’s only four hours later when Loki starts. 

You had both moved back into the general public of the tower. You had needed to eat more since you didn’t finish your breakfast then settled in the common area.

You were sitting on the couch with Natasha wrapped in your arms and Clint trying to burrow into your side when Loki made an exclamation crossed with a groan, an arm wrapping along his stomach from across the room where he was reading. 

You perk up and look at him as he looks at you with wide eyes. 

Natasha knowing what’s going on says, “It’s normal if you feel like you’re pissing yourself, you’re fine.” 

Loki relaxes and nods. 

“That’s nasty, Nat.” Clint huffs. 

“It is a natural event for a woman’s body, something they cannot control and you dare call it nasty?” Loki hisses at Clint. 

“There’s blood man!” 

“You see more blood on missions, is there a difference?” Loki points out.

You’re smiling with Natasha, looking between Loki and Clint like it’s a tennis match. 

“Well, it comes out of their vagina.” Clint weakly argues back.

“I have no doubt you’ve put your mouth on a vagina and that failed to gross you out, your arguments are irrelevant.” Loki says going back to his book.

Clint lets a pitiful noise out of his mouth and looks to you and Nat. 

“Don’t look at us, we’re on his side.” Nat says with a shrug, settling back into you. You laugh as Clint rolls his eyes. 

You watch Loki out of the corner of your eye as you converse with Nat and Clint. Loki has an uncomfortable look on his face and his arm is still wrapped around his stomach. 

You tell Nat you need to get up and she groans but allows you to. Then, she climbs onto Clint. 

Out of everyone in the tower you did not expect Natasha to be the most affectionate. 

You grab Loki’s attention and get him to follow you back to your floor, again. When you have him laying on your bed you search in your bathroom for what you seek. 

Coming out of the bathroom a few minutes later you show Loki what you have by holding it up in both hands with a satisfied smile. It’s old fashioned, you probably should just buy a heating pad, but this was given to you by your mother and you can’t let go of it because of sentiment.

“What is that?” Loki asks with confusion etching his face, propped up on his elbow. He stares at the orange, rubber bag you hold. It’s the size of a decorative pillow.

“A water bottle.”

“Are you expecting me to drink it?” He asks slowly.

“No.” You laugh and make your way over to him. 

When you’ve climbed into the bed and cuddled up to Loki you place the warm bottle on his lower stomach and Loki actually groans. 

“I understand the intended use now.” He says in a grateful voice as the heat of the bottle penetrates his aching stomach. 

You smile at him but turn your attention to putting on a movie so Loki may rest here for awhile. 

See, thing is, it doesn’t stop. The cuddling, that is.

The next day Loki comes to you and asks if he may use your water bottle. When you tell him yes and go to give it to him he holds it, looking at it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. 

“Would you mind.....holding me as I use this?” Loki says in a soft voice, as if afraid he’s going to be rejected.

You can see tears welling up in his eyes when he looks up at you, which you blame on the period. You smile at Loki and nod. 

“Of course.” 

As you lay there with Loki wrapped in your arms, a movie playing in the background, he says, “While I am trying to keep an open mind about this whole situation, the blood clots are disgusting.” 

You laugh, causing Loki to smile up at you. 

“Have you bled through yet?” You ask him after awhile, curious. 

Loki scoffs. “Yes. I was wearing a nice pair of pants at the time. Natasha promised to get the blood out though.” He says with a frown. 

“If anyone here knows how to get blood out of clothes, Natasha would be the expert.” You chuckle out. 

“I must apologize to her. I was a bit snappy at the time because of the frustration of ruining a perfectly good pair of pants. She was close and received the brunt of my frustration.” Loki says, his fingers trailing down the side of your chest as he spoke, his eyes trained on the movie though.

Loki must not be ticklish, you absently think as his fingers drag over your sides and you don’t react. 

It happens again the next day. The day after that too, you both cuddle with the bottle and watch movies. 

When the period ends Loki still comes to your room and cuddles with you. It’s a routine now. Every evening, if there is nothing going on, Loki comes and you both relax into each other and watch movies and tv shows, casually talking or teasing the people in the movies. You refrain from teasing Loki personally until after the period has passed because you’d feel bad if you made him cry.

It’s nice, to say the least. 

What you don’t expect is Loki almost kissing you one day. 

It was a normal day, you were cuddling and watching Die Hard, teasing the actor when things were way exaggerated. You had been rambling on about how some of the action scenes could have ended had Bruce’s character did something else. You had noticed Loki looking at you with a twinkle in his eye but said nothing about it. You really looked down at him when he grabbed your chin and angled it just enough to where he could reach your lips. 

Loki pushes and crawls up, you laying beneath him, frozen. Your eyes roam his face, it’s a little weird looking at your face but you’re too invested in the moment, to invested in the switching bodies thing. His lips come to hover over yours, close enough you could close the distance in a blink but you stay rooted to the bed. You both breath each other in, eyes memorizing everything about this moment. 

Then the moment passes and Loki pulls from you. You let out a deep breath and blink. 

Surprisingly, Loki did not run, instead he cuddled back into you and continued conversation as if nothing had happened. You replied back casually, if not a little shaky from the anticipation you had just experienced. 

Tag list: @a-laufeyson​ 

[ikonct95]

who could’ve saw it coming?

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x Fem!Reader

Genre: fluff, humor & enemies to friends to lovers au! (is that even an actual genre? idk but imma put it there).

Warnings: Mentions of harassment and foul language 

Word Count: 2652

A/N: I’m not a fan of bts. I know nothing about bts. so, naturally, I know nothing about taehyung but I had this sudden urge to write this and it had to be him. so, apologies in advance if he seems a bit ooc (I mean we don’t really know all these idols personally but just a heads up i guess).

p.s, not proofread!

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You rolled your eyes as you scoffed at the scene before where a group of girls were surrounding a desk located in the front of the class, ogling someone.

Have they no shame? No decency? Class was about to start in ten minutes meaning that the professor could be here in any minute. This is an academic establishment not a meet and greet for some pop idol.

“Wow, you really do hate Taehyung, don’t you?” Your friend stated as she watched you scowl at the man named Taehyun who was sitting at the front, looking unbothered by his little fans.

“He’s just so annoying!”

This happened in every class you shared with him. Girls would always fight over being his seat-mate or partner for the semester and they never failed to disrupt a class. And because the two of you had the same major, you get to see this scene quiet often.

“He’s literally just sitting there minding his own business.” Your friend muttered as she took out her books from her back up and throwing a quick glance at the male students.

“The devil often looks quiet deceiving.”

Your friend stared at you with a deadpan expression, “You need help.”

“Shut up!”

Suddenly, Taehyung lifted his head and looked around the room before his eyes landed on you. You locked gazes for a bit before you scoffed once more and looked away.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Alright, class. As you all now the deadline for the project at the end of the semester and since we’re a month and a half away, I think it’s time we start working on it.” Your paleontology announced towards the last twenty minutes of class, “So let’s start pairing up.”

Excitement flashed in the girls’ eyes as they all looked at Taehyung who sat as still as a statue at your professor’s words, this somehow irritated you.

“I have already paired you up.”

The girls all groaned at the revelation, saddened at the idea of not working with Taehyung this semester while also secretly hoping to be that one lucky girl.

“Anna, you’re working with Beverly. Johnny, you’re with Rose. Y/N, you’ll be paired up with Taehyung.”

“WHAT?!”

All the girls, including you, were shocked at the announcement.

“Professor Kim,” You pleaded with him as the girls whined at your professor. You bit your lips in nervousness of having to work with the person you hated the most but professor held his hand up and said, “My decision is final.”

If looks could kill, you would be dead by the glares of seven other girls in your class.  

“Please sit with your partner and work on an outline. I’ll be collecting them next week.” Professor Kim instructed once he was done listing the partners for the project.

You whined at your rotten luck and sluggishly collected your book and shouldering your backpack before making your way to the front of the class and unceremoniously plopping yourself at the empty seat next to Taehyung.

“Hi.” Taehyung greeted quietly, no expression in sight.

A heavy frown was set on your lips as you ignored his greetings and instead said, “What do you wanna do for this project.”

As if he was expecting your reply, he answered, “Well, professor Kim has always been interested in the evolution of humans so maybe we can do that?”

Not wanting to talk even more with him, you just nodded your head in agreement at his proposal, “Yeah, sure, we can go with that.”

It took you about ten minutes to work on the intro of your rough draft and as the professor dismissed you for the day, you shouldered you backpack and said, “I’m Y/N.”

“I know.” Taehyung said as he too stood up, “We’ve been classmates for a year now.”

Somehow, you managed not to scowl at his attitude and instead just nodded and walked away.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The next time you walked into your paleontology class, you were greeted by the sight of yet another group of girls swarming Taehyung’s table. You rolled your eyes while letting out a sigh of annoyance before marching to your new table next to his.

At first, you cleared your throat to indicate your arrival and for the girls to move aside but they either didn’t listen or chose to ignore you (your money was on the latter) so you loudly said, “Excuse me.”

The girls stopped their chatter and looked at you. Their eyes roaming your body as if they’re unimpressed by your appearance.

“That’s my seat.” You pointed at your desk with your head.

“And?” One girl said unimpressed.

“And I want you to move?”

The girl scoffed before looking down to smile at Taehyung.

Irritated by her attitude, you tapped her shoulder and put on a fake smile, “I said move.” There was a stare down between you two, a battle for dominance between you. The girl in front of you seemed like she didn’t mind getting physical if necessary but luckily, your professor walked in just before anything happened.

“Take your seats, everyone.”

The girl glared at you one more time before returning to her seat.

Once you were sure she was gone, you sat down and began taking out your books.

“I don’t know why you don’t say something.” You muttered while digging through your backpack for a pen.

“Because they’d get physical if I did.”

You weren’t expecting for him so to reply so you were unsure of what to say.

“I never asked for this.” He added. You noticed the way his hands were into tight fists at the frustrations of being surrounded by girls and probably be sexually harassed by them and not being able to do anything about it.

There was a sudden and odd stabbing sensation in your heart but you ignored it in favor for the professor’s PowerPoint that was projected onto the blackboard.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You spent the next three weeks working on your project with Taehyung. He may be the most annoying person you’ve ever met but he wasn’t a slacker. He did his part on the project and would make sure to help you if you ever got stuck on a chapter from the book.

Right now, you were at the ice cream parlor just a few blocks away from campus working on your research section of the project.

After being cooped up at the library for two weeks and for four hours a day, the both of you were getting pretty sick of the scenery. So when Taehyung suggested to get ice cream while working on your project, you didn’t say no.

“Y/N?” You heard Taehyung call your name quietly over your laptop.

You currently had your face shoved into your laptop as you read the differences on Homo neanderthalensis and Homo sapiens idaltu, “Hmm?”

“Why do you hate me?”

His question caught you off as your head shot up from your laptop to stare at him in surprise, your glasses catching the reflection of your laptop.

Taehyung had a serious expression yet his eyes held genuine curiosity and an emotion you couldn’t quite name.

“I don’t hate you.” Confusion laced your voice.

“You always seemed annoyed by me. I breath and you scoff at me!”

The hurt in his voice caused a pang of guilt in your heart. You didn’t know your actions affected him this much. Hell, you weren’t even sure that he even paid attention to you at all.

You groaned as your covered your face with hands. You inhaled deeply before lifting your head and looking at Taehyung seriously. “I hate your groupies…not you.” You looked away once you realized how pathetic you sounded.

“What does that have anything to do with me?!”

“I don’t know!” You snapped.

A deep sigh escaped through your lips as you calmed yourself down, “They’re just rude girls who only care about themselves. If they really cared about you then they would’ve noticed how bothered you were by them.”

Taehyung’s eyes widened slightly, “You noticed that?”

“Of course I did.” You muttered, ignoring the heat rushing to your ears.

Once the sun started setting down, the both of you decided to end for the day.

“Taehyung,” You calling his name surprised the both of you. Your partner stopped in his tracks to head back to his apartment and waited for whatever you were going to say. “If those girls gave you trouble, let me know and I’ll deal with them.”

Taehyung took a second to consider your words before nodding his head and smiling softly at you, “I will.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

And he did let you know about a week later.

Well, he didn’t verbally let you know but the look in his eyes spoke thousands of words once you walked into class and saw the usual group of girls only this time, one of them was running her fingers through his brown locks while another wouldn’t stop touching his arm and caressing it.

You cleared your throat at the girls and once they noticed you the frowned at you, “Oh it’s you.” The girl from before still has that frown from that one time you’ve spoken to her.

“You’re in my seat.”

She rolled her eyes at you before crossing her arms, “And so what if I am?” She asked you challengingly, “The professor isn’t here yet.” A smirk slithered across her lips at her little triumph.

You smiled a sickly sweet smile at her before saying, “If you don’t stop touching him and fuck off, I will report you for harassment.”

The girl scoffed at your empty words, “As if.”

“I’m dead serious.”

The girl dropped her arms and up straight with a humph, “You know you could be a real bitch sometimes.”

“So I’ve been told.”

When the girls walked away, you sat down in your sit with a genuine smile. Confident that you will not be seeing those girls for a while.

“Wow.” Taehyung stared at you in amazement, “You’re my hero.”

“I know.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You were currently at the library right after midnight. There’s a week and a half left until finals week and load of your assignments and lessons are finally catching up to you. What’s worse is that your paleontology professor emailed you this morning saying he wanted a 3 to 5-minute-long presentation on your project that you will be presenting next Monday and Wednesday, days before your project is due.

Your shoulders tensed at the amount of stress you were experiencing as you pinched the bridge of your nose trying to focus on the chapter of human anatomy for your bio final, your first final of the semester.

Suddenly, the sound of the chair in front of you being pulled back caused you to lift your head in curiosity.

“Taehyung?”

Your partner had a large box of pizza set on the table and a family sized coke with red solo cups next to it, “What’s all this?”

Taehyung opened the box of pizza before sitting down in front of you, “I saw you earlier on my way out and you looked like you needed a break.”

You still stared at him in confusion, “But why?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Consider it a thank you for dealing with those girls.”

You didn’t stop staring at him as your mind tried processing his words.

“You should probably start eating,” He pointed at the warm and tasty looking pizza, “Before it starts getting cold.”

You nodded your head numbly as you robotically took a slice.

“I didn’t know what you liked so I ordered chicken for toppings.” Taehyung stated while sheepishly rubbing his neck, “Is that ok?”

You nodded your head as you tore a piece from the chicken pizza, “Yeah, it’s my favorite.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Neither of you noticed the blush creeping on his neck.

Your presentation went well. And based on the follow up questions professor Kim asked, he seemed to have enjoyed the topic of your project, just like Taehyung had said.

“You did well, partner.” Taehyung commented as you both walked out of class.

You snorted and playfully rolled your eyes at him, “You weren’t so bad yourself, pal.” “Hey I was more than ok, I was great.”

You chuckled at his antics but quickly looked away when he glanced your way.

Taehyung cleared his throat before gently holding your elbow to stop you, “I’ve been meaning to ask you.” His hand let go of your elbow to rest at his side, “Do you wanna like grab pizza or something?”

Your eyes widened at his words.

“Not like on a date!” He said loudly as his neck quickly turned a bright shade of red, “But like as friend, y’know. But like, only if you wanted to.”

Seeing Taehyung being flustered was an odd sight for you. He was usually calm and collected while making sure to mask his expressions very well. But seeing him stumble through his words and blush at the idea of the two of you being friends made your ears heat up in embarrassment.

“Yeah,” You squeaked out before quickly clearing your throat, “We can hang out, I guess.” You looked away from him as your ears became redder than before.

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“…It must be a very proud moment for you. All of the hard work you have put in has paid off. Congratulations graduates of class of 2019. Your reward lies ahead. Have a successful future!” Cheers erupted through the stadium as graduation caps were thrown through the air.

Applause and whistles from friends and family members in the audience followed quickly afterwards.

A large and bright smile crept onto your lips as excitement rushed through.

You did it.

You finally did.

You’ve officially graduated college and things couldn’t get any better.

“Can you believe it?” Your voice held awe as you asked Taehyung on your way back from the graduation ceremony.

The night air was chilly despite it being late spring. It smelt of freshly mown grass and coffee from the café just down the streets.

“I know; I can’t believe it either.” Taehyung replied while looking up at the night sky, admiring the tiny little stars that scattered it.

Silence fell between you, each lost in their own world of nostalgia.

“I honestly can’t believe we somehow ended up dating.” Taehyung suddenly broke the silence.

You shoved Taehyung who was laughing at his own words before he returned to your side and wrapped his arm around your waist, trying to provide you with warmth.

“I know, who could’ve saw it coming?”

“Literally anyone but us.”

You nodded your head then snorted at his answer.

Throughout the next two years of college, your relationship grew bigger and stronger the more time you spent with each other. And to think, this all started thanks to that project they had in their sophomore year.

“I think we should send a thank you card to professor Kim along with our wedding invitation.”

You were laughing at his joke when your brain suddenly processed his words and the seriousness it held. Your laugh dying out.

“What are you talking about, Taehyung.”

Your boyfriend of two years smiled at you softly before getting down on his knee.

“Oh my god, you’re really doing this.”

Taehyung chuckled before schooling his face into a serious expression, “I honestly don’t have some heartfelt fancy shamncy speech to recite but all I know is that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He then proceeded to pull out a black velvet box and opened it to reveal a silver band with a small sized diamond, “Y/N, will you marry me?”

You blinked once, twice and thrice before rapidly nodding your head, causing for Taehyung to giggle at you, “Of course I’ll marry you.”

Once he slid the ring on, he got up on his two feet and leaned down to capture your lips into a sensual kiss.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling diary #8 (my memory is baaad plus some general frustrations and encouragements)

This past week was kinda hmm... nyeeeeh. I wouldn't say I did anything particularly exciting or new or memorable and I was kinda sickly but it wasn't bad bad and that's all that matters ^^ My memory is bad bad baaaaad in other words, same as usual lol

I’ve decided I’m gonna try to write this weeks (or well, last weeks) stuff using the tumblr app this time, I haven't really used it much, but it's been pretty neat so far aka I cba to clear my desk and use the pc. My typo rate is srsly v. high tho and I wanna shorten the words cuz phone typing and effort but I think I actually type about the same speed with my phone as I do on the PC hah... If only I could read back the text and edit stuff easier as I go along though... oh welp. (Whoa phew, I thought I accidentally posted it by accident lulz the app gives a 'it posted' notification when I save it as a draft what even lol)

This weeks counselling app was... pretty alright, though I'm feeling the pressure and the nerves more now because as predicted I am expected to try even more harder with the communication and skill learning stuff for next time and I really arghhh xwx I only just got over the last wall and the next one seems way more difficult to scale... but I think I can do it... I just need to push away the unhelpful thoughts and persist..! >^<

So that sheet about emotions and thoughts I had to do... I only managed to write two small things but it's something at least, we didn't actually look over it this session because we were still looking at the unhelpful behaviour sheet from last last time which was a slight relief but I still have the sheet now and need to fill it by next week xwx

The behaviour we went over was to do with comparing yourself to others and I really can't remember a lot of the things that was said gdi... maybe I'll just bullet point some of the important stuff and the rest will come back to me easier... and so I don't forget even more lol I'm just feeling extra lazy and unmovtivated hahaha.. ugh @v@"

🍰 Every person has their own views on things/their own way of doing or reacting to things and there is no right or wrong way in essence. Like baking a cake, one person may use so and so ingredients and the other such and such or even something that seems pretty unconventional but they both still result in cakes. Another person may prefer the taste of cake 1 over 2 and another person cake 2 over 1. No one is wrong in their choices, it’s just personal preference.

🥞 All professions work together in harmony and are necessary to make up and keep up a society. There is no need to be ashamed of or think lowly of your profession because it is just as important (eg. trash collector people, some people might think lowly of them but without them there would be a mess of vermin and disease etc etc as juxtaposed with another profession like a doctor which is usually thought highly of).

🍕 The only way to break the cycle is by doing. Doing will provide you with the experience and evidence needed to override your negative presumptions and this in turn will allow you to get past the things holding you back and grow. Your beliefs should run on facts and not irrational thoughts which probably hold no truth at all. 

🍔 Like reading a book, you only know as much as you've read (your current and past experiences and beliefs), but there is still so much left to learn and absorb if you push forward and continue. The parts you haven't read yet (future experiences and knowledge etc) may be the positive and powerful parts needed to neutralise and flip back the negative beginning chapters.

🍝 You live in a place where freedom and choice is encouraged and accepted (unlike some other places in the world where people live under strict control), so why would you willingly choose to cage yourself in with all these rules and restrictions..? (T^T Idk why... but I don’t want to no more that’s for sure!)

🍦 Everything you do should be for your own approval and not anyone else’s. It’s your life and your choices, not theirs. Your own opinions matter most and your own wellbeing should be your priority. Do it all for yourself.

🍩 I would really like a doughnut right now, damn. I can’t have any of these foods rn cause of my diet lolol... they’re unhealthy anyways ^^”

These are some really awfully phrased retellings of the stuff the counsellor told me, but that’s basically all I can remember right now but they give very interesting and useful views on things. Normally I would rephrase them even more or not include the examples but w/e I need to stop being so afraid, just get it all down nice and straightforward and truthful! Yeah, I could've just used the actual bullet point formatting but food emoji is much more exciting of course :D I literally can’t think anymore about last week, I’m just so overwhelmed with this week, my head hurts with the mental effort x^x I decided to go back to using the pc, the app is good for brief things only I guess.

In terms of doing something brave or well out of my comfort zone, I walked down a few streets on my own and went to collect some post. It’s something I’ve done before (though not completely on my own) but I still had a hella awkward time at the desk cause the queue was kind of jumbled and idk if the person before me was actually someone that came after, I thought maybe they were an employee and went behind them instead or maybe they skipped in front idk ugh... I really suck at looking and remembering people’s faces sometimes.

If I wanted to go somewhere else on my own my parents would probably not let me go and my dad would lecture me all the safety things even more than usual (seriously, I get the don’t talk to strangers type of line every single time..!). I’m not a child, I shouldn’t have to ask for permission and this time I didn’t ask, I just said where I was going and why and left but if I tried that to go anywhere else then they’d get ruffled. But the main thing is the communication again I guess, as long as they are informed, it’ll lessen the stress and make them more open to me taking my own initiative. 

Like I understand they want me to be safe, it’s what parents do and I obviously don’t want to run into any trouble too, but sometimes being too overprotective and overly cautious means I’m just stuck and can’t grow at all. It just goes to make me even more scared of the world, when I should be out there doing things like everyone else, it sucks. 

I know in parents eyes, their daughters and sons will always be their kids, their babies, but at some point they will see them as adults too and well, that just isn’t happening for me. I haven’t proven myself worthy of the adult title and I also feel I don’t deserve it yet, it seems a long way off still but it feels so ridiculous, but what is age but just a number anyways, everyone goes at different paces. I shouldn’t dwell on this too much and just try my best to prove to myself, yes myself first and foremost, that I can be an adult, I can be responsible and independent at least a little more. I need a better action plan really... besides the vague, get a job, learn to drive, cook etc. idk what else @^@” I’m getting a little ahead of myself with even this though, gotta not forget, take things slow and gradually, baby steps!! ^^

In my other endeavours with art and posting things online, it’s just come to a stand still or gone backwards actually, I’ve just gotten so scared again, I can’t put a pen to paper or even leave a comment on other people’s stuff anymore and it feels really awful, like why can’t I just do it and forget about feeling foolish or judged or inadequate, I keep overthinking again gdi..!! >^< I keep wanting to plan things and have things all perfect and ready instead of just getting things done as I go like other people... damn, I keep saying like other people, constantly comparing myself to them, that’s another reason I’ve gotten scared to try again with anything. 

Gosh, these unhelpful habits are for reals and are the worst, at least I’m more aware of them though, maybe I can fight them back a bit better now that I know how draining and evil they are... Okay! I challenge you unhelpful habits!! Imma throw you in the trash and get my ass moving! You’ve got nothing on me! I can do it!! Ugh... ;^; No no, no sad! Fight fight fight! Go go go! ò^ó

My sis got me a lot of gifts relating to art, she encourages me through this and her kind words and wants me to do well, I want me to do well too and to show my gratitude with action, so imma do well and make a lot of nice arts to be proud of! They don’t have to be perfect! I saw a quote that was something like ‘even the pages on your bad days are better than the ones on the days you did nothing’ (I just totally butchered that lol) or something like that and it was like, damn, that’s true. A little practice even if it’s not serious is better than nothing at all! Okay okay I’m pumped!

The stuff I had to do this week is to help out at the front of the shop, gain some experience and converse with customers..! I already attempted it once for a short time and welp, it was scary but I guess not that bad (also I kinda botched up a phone order maybe) but I keep reading into things too deeply and negatively and it scared me off and now as usual the week is ending and my opportunities to try are limited, need to get my ass in gear, c’mon I can do it! Don’t be afraid, you’re doing well, keep going! ^^”... go go go! ^u^

Maybe I can kill 2 birds with one stone, sit and observe but also draw, space is limited though so idk if it’ll work out but there’s no harm giving it a try I guess. Must not forget to fill in that emotions/thoughts sheet ugh, I should have done it as I actually do stuff but I do things in bad and unconventional ways. Need to break a lot of habits. I downloaded this app that is supposed to help you build new healthy habits, so far all it’s wanted me to do is to drink water when I wake up so I feel more energised lol but I did it and it does help, I wonder if I can build a lot of other good habits too, it certainly makes things feel more fun in a way.

Everyday in my mind I want to look over the days happenings in a more positive light and congratulate myself for all the small things I did that I maybe I wouldn’t have some weeks ago, so I can see how much I actually improved and have put effort in. Even though on the surface it just all seems meh, I want to let myself see how things have actually become a little easier and how the negative thoughts relating to them has begun to affect me less and take up less space in my conscious. Be proud of yourself and all your endeavours, silly!

Hmm, this post is probably shorter than my usual one but oh well, I don’t want to spend too much time rambling or ruminating or being a paralysed perfectionist, I’ve got other bigger fish to fry! And draw and eat omnomnom! Yolo! x3

Okay okay, now I’m going to go do some artsy fartsy stuff or at least have myself set up for it and my conversing/experience gaining challenge hoo! Believe in yourself, you can do it! Let’s go go! :D

Have a lovely evening and keep trying, keep flying! ^^