#idk sometimes i think some ppl just dont care enough to try and understand | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ikilledamanforthisurl · 1 year

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Minami anon x5 YEAH FOR REAL to everything….. The way Majima treats his men is very. Hrm. I saw a good essay about it before regarding how Majima after going through the abuse he's faced only Knows / understands how to project that same sentiment with the most obvious example being Nishida who has almost like a looney tunes esque dynamic with him. And how that later goes on to talk about Majima associating Minami who is extremely clearly trying to emulate him with Sagawa + Shimano which led to like the disconnect in their relationship. Idk if ive tldlred that very well but yeah. It was very Majima centric though which makes me wish it talked abt more how Minami views the situation because again I do very much think it’s just a case of Minami wanted to do Somebody and he ultra latched onto the first person he saw that was That. Very like duckling following the leader. He most likely has no idea what the hell baggage Majima has and just continues viewing this act he's put on in such a glamourised revered light. The Cycle Of hell continues and continues forever. I feel like you could even make an argument Abt the like never wanting to accept defeat thing as another emulation of Majima who like very famously Just Keeps Trucking Along and Never Lets Up. Also so real about the tidbit abt the junior leader like it really just feels like something they made up out of the blue but it’s fine it’s just his now……. I agree that Minami very much does not give me like patriarch vibes I feel like nothing about him screams a person who wants to *the* most important- Its why I word it as like Minami wants to be SOMEBODY, but not the somebody who has all of the responsibilities and the stress that comes with being in the super hardcore major leagues- again, going back, a very sort of Immature or Young person kind of attitude to have. Also okay I thought it was both kinda hilarious and sad How the guys in the karaoke scene didnt want to be there 😭😭😭 really just feels like they were Dragged along because “why not” / because Minami is seemingly more carefree about things. I'd love to see him interact w just like the normal ppl of kamurocho or if he like worked at the construction site with his fellow coworkers like are they immediately put off or find him annoyingly pleasant enough. Idk if i have anythin to say abt it but i also LOVE ur tags and the idea of Minami putting himself through hell willingly to be as strong as majima garghghgghghg….. also its okay if ur actually sick for real like w a cold I hope u get better soon !!! Ironically i also have a minor cold so JWJJDJDEJ

we are so back......... you and me anon... we are both sick in the exact same ways (brainrot included)

I looooove the terrible recycling dynamic of abuse from Majima to his men and that sounds really evil but i mean like. its an extremely interesting and Real Thing to portray (completely on accident!) and explore. and i can't even act like i'd be better if i were him sometimes. i know damn well his boys are incompetent (everyone on earth is) and/or pains in the ass (definitely Aratani, probably Minami, but he dont mean it) and physical violence is part of their way of life in this fictionalised mega-gang. in a twisted way violence is more than just that, it's the solution to everything, it's the crux of everything, it's care for those who need to be able to stick up for themselves to survive and it's also a burden by way of Fighting Game Protagonist Syndrome. at the end of the day the abuse is still abuse, but you see some interesting perspectives with this kind of framework in that world..... including folks who'd enthusiastically participate in the looney-tunes Slapsticked role, like my take on Minami. Nishida too, but i don't think he's enthusiastic, just begrudgingly accepting of things...

i know the EXACT post youre talking about and i completely understand being Majima-focused in these kinds of rants cause he's the one with all the interesting shit going on and yknow. canonical character depth...... i try my best to not get sidetracked but Majima intrigues me as much as the people around him.... they made him and his relationships both fun and fascinating. to keep it Minami ways you'd probably be saying some real no-shit-sherlock shit "wow that's so tragic for him" or you'd get into HC and made up shit territory, like me ^_^ teehee

Speaking of Aratani, i think he's a good example of someone who actually wants the patriarch seat. the pursuit of power is like his whole deal. Gets considerable focus and text(dialogue) acknowledgement. Minami's whole deal is being goofy, he just also so happens to have considerable power both physically and in the yakuza hierarchy..... bullshit as his role may very well be......... and it's only barely noticed. the pros of being a joke i spose. he's treated, and acts, too nonchalant to give me the impression of gunning for the top. with the existence of other Majimagumi men like Aratani to compare, that just exasperates it for me. he wants to be cool, and that's all

and yknow what..... the fun thing is...... is that Majima gets stories told about him. they get told all over. so much so that resident under-rock-dweller Kiryu hears about them. Minami doesn't know shit from fuck about his boss but i bet he eats those stories the fuck up. true or not, Majima's prowess speaks volumes on it's own... he's the Boss for a Reason..... stories get told about people who Matter. he'd totally be all over that. Wanna Be Somebodyism is terminal and it's got him by the balls. too bad he's not destined to be anybody more than a side character in this series!

oh well..... that's what i'm here for. side characters come get your heads smacked hands kissed and existence acknowledged, possibly all three if you're silly enough

#ikildaman shut the fuck up #sorry i dint get to this for a couple days!#i knew itd be long i needed a little recharge #and i knew that if i opened this and read it i wouldnt be able to control myself id sit down for at least twenty minutes making a response #anon youve double convinced me. is there a word for being convinced of something you already believe #anyway youve convinced me hes soooooo got rockstar wannabe syndrome #i wanna be some-body 🎵🎵🎵 be somebody soon!!!! 🎵🎵🎵#speaking of WASP half of my minami writing is based on their song Arena of Pleasure #one of the lines from that is so minami..... is also my display name cause felt.....#that's homework for folks at home who are metalt inclined.......#i said somewhere months ago about making a Minami playlist and i need to get on that

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angelslant · 2 years

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7, 16, 19 <3

7. Any tattoos?

yes!! i have two, both stick and pokes by my friend laine (hi laine if u see this hehe) one says “lost boy” on my arm and the other is a owl petroglyph above my ankle <3 (i love neolithic art and a lot of my future tattoos involve cave paintings or rock carvings) i dont have many super good photos of them bc theyre at angles where they kinda need to be taken by someone else but i love them both dearly and looking at them makes me so so happy. also i want hand tattoos so bad but im restraining myself for now....

16. I will love you if

i am a quality time bitch through and through....if you dont have time for me, i dont have time for u. i love spur of the moment mini-adventures and i love friends who ive talked to every day for years and i love people who remember that we made plans and stick to them. i really like establishing enough consistency that it becomes easy to be spontaneous. also i love grad students who just impart knowledge onto me at random and the people you share art studios with when working late at night and random strangers in public who will hear a ridiculous conversation youre having with a friend and chime in in a funny way

19. A fact about your personality

this one gets a readmore bc of length lmao <3

i think a lot of ppl, sometimes even people somewhat close to me, dont rlly understand how much work i put into being an outwardly kind person lmao, or they dont understand that i do have to put a lot of work into that? i think a lot of times people confuse my anxiety with being like..."oh you look scary but you're actually so nice!" types of things which can be very true but at the same time, a lot of my current friends have not necessarily seen me when i dont put the care in to be kind and instead go with my knee-jerk reaction to situations (which is almost always some form of anger), because i have specifically trained myself out of going with those responses. i have kind of this weird dichotomy where i am a generally pleasant person who is anxious and can be a people-pleaser at times but to me that feels like a very like....surface level version of myself that can be easily cast off if i care enough to? but i think some people see that part of me as like my deep-down vulnerable self, which i dont really find to be true. because to me i think a lot of my people-pleasing is a direct result of the fact that i overcompensate for my anger. but this is hard to explain to people because since i look alternative or whatever, if you sit there and insist like "no no im actually sooooo evil and mean and tough i promise guys!!" it just comes off as ridiculous and try-hard lmao so i havent successfully found a way to be like "hey guys unfortunately none of this is a joke to me and in fact it kept me alive when nothing else would for several years". anyways idk i just sometimes feel like people view my skittishness as something its not or dont really understand that my "~edginess~" is not actually performative because it has a very real basis in my past experiences and generally if someone is willing to grapple with that they will become much closer to me and know me a lot better than if they just brush me off because they dont really take me for my word

#like i think sometimes ppl do not understand that for me anxiety is a nuisance to remove to become my actual self who is directly #underneath that layer and is a lot bigger bitch but also a lot more constructive and healthier #because i think anxiety purposely stops me from being angry in-the-moment and because of that it has stopped me from like. realizing that i #was in shitty relationships or being treated poorly or whatever.#but when im more confident i am an angrier person but am able to utilize it in a way where it only is used in a healthy manner #obviously anger issues are not healthy lmao. but for me it is a part of me and my genetics and i cannot fully remove it i can just mitigate #the negative aspects of it #thank u for the ask this is such a long response but i couldnt find a good youtube video to watch while eating my late-night dinner so u #got this instead <3 #also disclaimer the last answer is not addressed to anyone in specific in my life it is more a general trend i have noticed #over the course of several years #insert heart hands emoji love u all

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ohumokay · 3 months

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I saw ur comment on the friend post and even though we have an age gap it baffles me that we seem to be having the same issues in regards to friendships. idk if society has always been cliquey or overly selective of who it lets join in and vice versa. but lately idk whats been up with peoples way of communicating you would think even with all tihs digitalised methods that people would want to but yet it seem no one does either bc theyre so self absorbed or they are "too busy" esp for those that have 100s of friends online but never enough time to every one so some of us sadly get put aside or we just drift apart if they dont align or do enough like i dont even care about gifts and no cards and shit fuck that id rather just have few solid connections than none.

what sucks is the other people who then gloat on their profiles or accounts and ik they "busy" with others. i try to find things in common with others but its so hard sometimes because then you feel like you have to force yourself to genuinely care about shit you dont care about in order to find somewhere to fit in. i recently tried doing online zoom quizzes and they were absolute hell, first off zoom is the worst way to try to feel included in on any sort of group esp when u dont know them right off the bat then these quizzes were god awful to keep up with esp the speedquizzing ones. i only did them cause this was the only way my "friend" would keep in touch long enough w/ me.

its a sad world we are in where people are mostly only interested in themselves, even in school this was the case. idk i just kinda gave up cause i dont think i will ever find who im looking for cause it feels like if im not doing xyz things no one going to care if im not here type thing. yet im tired of finding people only to then feel like they arent pulling their efforts back, again idc for gifts but is it so hard for people to idfk send messages in return or to keep a friendship going? outside of having common interests?

sorry for rambling but i feel like no one really seems to want deep meaningful connections no more. everuthings done for their benefit or for posting online and showcasing it to others their "fake" as fuck connections that they claim to have with people.

Hey... Yeah, I completely understand what you mean. A lot of ppl have shallow ass relationships views nowadays, or avoid real connections.

I think I know which comment you're talking about: the one about my ex-bsf who basically ghosted me. That friendship was not only one sided, but toxic asf. They would shit on my beliefs, make jokes at my expense, and if they were called out for their behavior, they'd say that it didn't matter bcuz they were gonna off themself anyway. It was really shitty, and towards the end, they made it very clear they were a fake friend (literally called themself fake) so I had to cut ties my own way.

I'm sorry your "friend" couldn't compromise in communication. That is such a sucky feeling; trying to keep a friendship afloat, even if the other person isn't. And it's sad that no one in this world can have a normal conversation.

Don't get me wrong, me and the friends I have left (including my new BSF) don't text anything deep. Like, we text all the time, but we usually avoid deep conversations. Not bcuz we can't have meaningful conversation, but bcuz we don't feel comfortable texting; deep shit should be said in person, or,at the bare minimum, over a phone call. So that's why we text pretty shallow, or not at all. But, our friendship is also strong enough to withstand a few days without talking and still being closer than ever.

I understand your exhaustion, for a while I shared your sentiment, but I firmly believe that everyone has a person. A person who they can talk to freely, whenever, without worry of toxicity or emotional distance. A person who is always there with a shoulder to cry on, and advice that one might need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it. A person who will be willing to sit in silence when need be, or rant with them, or simply listens bcuz talking without interruption is therapeutic. A person who is their person, through thick and thin.

And, I know we don't know each other, and have an age gap (tho, idk how large it is), but if you need someone to listen to your rants and rambles, or to talk you through a situation, or to just tell you your heard and appreciated, I'm more than willing. And this goes to anyone who needs it, not just the questioner. I am willing to be a surrogate person until you find your actual person.

I'm not perfect, I might not say the right thing, it might take me a while to respond, but I will always be willing to help a fellow person in need, even over Tumblr ❤️‍🩹

#no tag for this

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deletedg1rl · 5 months

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5th May 2024

guys i feel sooo alone, i dont have any friends i wanna go back home. take a break. start over again but idk if i'll ever get another job again if i do that. cause i can invest 2-3 months in learning but what if no one cares about all that? what if i never get a new job after that....AND i have no one to hear all this bs. like no one loves me in this strange city. im so so so alone. and i understand everything is temporary and i have to work hard for everything but god it is all soo exhausting. im trying to save money but it's all so expensive. and i wanna go back to my mummy and my daddy and my sisters. my sisters understand my jokes. my mommy loves me. and my daddy is always there, ppl here are all liars and im not even made for all this, sure i've lied to all these ppl too for all my selfish reasons BUT NO MORE. i dont wanna do all this, i cant. i need friends. i want someone who understands, someone who can help me.

i had one real friend in this city and she liked me and i liked her. and talking to her was so easy and she was just like me but she left and im crying now. she once told me "ppl dont think you have problems because you look so happy all the time" she really understood me. i sometimes dont talk to anyone for whole of 48 hours. i dont have anyone. working hard is difficult. i feel stupid and alone.

im so scared and alone and i cant share that with anyone. it's not that bad, i can always study and try my best but will that be enough? will i ever make some real human connections? what if i am all alone and stuck in this low paying job for the next 5 years? what if i everyne is right and im wrong?

#may 2024 #2024 #may

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wazzuppy · 2 years

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psychonauts 2 said "older generations are not inherently evil for their ways of thinking. they have lived and have suffered in different ways than you have, and while that doesnt neccesarily excuse their actions, they are still deserving of the opportunity to grow and better themselves. you are never too old to make yourself a better person. sometimes all you need is someone new and kind who's willing to listen" and it was right

#tara says stuff #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #i know younger ppl like to make fun of baby boomers and stuff and like i get it but.#idk sometimes i think some ppl just dont care enough to try and understand #like #genuinely try talking to ur elders. ask them what it was like when they were growing up. ask them about their life experiences.#u can learn and understand so much #in 50 years itll be u who's ''behind the times'' and being ignored bc of ur age #idk #just #be understanding. be kind. be patient.

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horce-divorce · 2 years

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man. Incoming Long Sad Bull Shit but idk where to go with this but my blog. I am in so so much pain and I'm so tired and I'm so nervous to see the U of Mich again this week when they're so terrible....

yes I am in some MALS groups and ostensibly talking to other ppl who understand this hell is validating...

but tbh... lately it's just made me feel worse talking to them sometimes... Like yes they validate that what I'm going through is torture, and impossible to explain to someone else, that it really IS dangerous and I SHOUDLNT be told "you must be dying this much" before someone finally treats it.

but then it just like. throws into relief how bleak this situation is. it's really not gonna get better. it's really gonna keep getting even worse, when it's already so unbearable, and has taken everything from me. this really is A Rare Disorder and nobody wants to touch it with a 50 foot pole. there really is NO solution except a terrifying, enormous abdominal surgery that could just as easily complicate things further. I'm really in this all alone. They really don't get it.

and every single day, every single time I eat, I'm out here fighting for my fucking life, living WITH all this shit but also being my own full time carer, and on top of that I have to do all this other stuff, and traveling, and fundraising, and research, and be an advocate and fight doctors and fight for the care I WILL need in order to SURVIVE this and I'm doing ALL of this. Alone. Nobody helps me with the heaviest of this stuff. My mom is gonna drive part way to Ann arbor and my dad got us a hotel so I can go so there's that kind of help...

But no one's there holding my hand while I'm going thru all this shit. My parents will take me and then drop me at the door. No one's helping me keep track of my results and records and paperwork and contacts and research notes. No one's advocating w me when I'm talking to these shit ass doctors. No one's helping me research or find other alternatives. No one's trying to help me adapt my day to day living situation as it deteriorates- fuck, no one even wants to see that!! They're buying me camping gear!!! They don't!!! Get it!!!!!

I see all these parents in the MALS groups who's kids got sick and they dropped everything to find answers. Am I really so good at hiding my pain that everyone thinks I dont NEED help with this?? Is it because I was so unpleasant in my 20s nobody can deal with me???? My stomach has hurt since I was 8 years old and everyone just keeps saying. Oh. You'll figure it out. You'll be fine. No one hears me. No one hears me fucking sobbing when I have panic attacks trying to eat. No one hears me when I say it's like eating glass, that I'm horrified so goddamn scared to even try because of how much it hurts, but I'm so starving hungry all the time that I have to.

No one sees how close I am to giving up. No one cares enough to be able to handle it. They see the most moderate symptoms and can't even handle that much.

Everyone IRL doesn't get it. They keep saying well intentioned but really off base stuff about like. "Couldn't you still get a job as a driver." when I bring up fears about doing an activity(that end up being right!) They keep mistakenly assuring me "you'll be fine" and then being shocked by how bad things really are when I can't mask it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!!! I'm in so much pain. My life is actually in danger from this disorder in so many ways, not least of all on the mental health front. And no one wants to hear it. And my therapist is trying but she's abled and every time I explain how hard it is they're just like "aww :(" like ....!!! That's not what I need either!!!! I've had enough of "aww :((" for at least an entire lifetime!!!!! Please no more!!!!!

I just don't even know what to do with myself. I'm trying so hard to cope like an adult but the truth is that this is reducing me to a scared, babbling toddler in more than one way and nobody in my life can handle it. It's not just the doctors that won't touch me with a 50 foot pole. I'm alone

#me #medical stuff #prsnl

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blurays · 3 years

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sorry for having the most depressing existential crisis ever by myself but kind of worse than feeling cursed for dying is feeling like ok well illness is not a moral determination on me or else four year olds wouldnt be getting the same thing but that means its just random which means things are just Bad for no reason at all

and like im so Aware of it and it feels like no one else is and it feels like insane like i guess apparently it is considered Wrong to focus on it and i mean its not like i want to sit around being unhappy but i cant understand how it’s not logical to be like just. incredibly sad forever about all this other than the fact that being miserable is not fun but it’s really just. insane to think that idk this sounds fake deep lol but like i read about some university department news and im like not belittling academia blah but its like there are people who dedicate their lives to studying x subject and im supposed to pick something and do that like some career and pretend it matters? when i wont live long enough to idk have the life anyone else does

its not like i know what people should say but im tired of no one knowing what to say im tired of feeling like idk anyone who understands it im tired of struggling to explain that sometimes i just have very strong moments of not giving a shit about twitter drama bc im more focused on Mortality As A Concept or my stomach hurting all the time or my arm rotting so that it scrapes against the joint... im tired of knowing i probably wont ever be as old as my older brother even and then having ppl tell me i need to live in the moment like im not desperately aware lol. im tired of people not understanding or caring that it comes and goes because sometimes i can repress it but sometimes i cant

even if i dont die Soon which feels very vague to me like i was supposed to be thrilled at the concept of 3-7 years it’s like. no one is ever going to understand it and it feels like people don’t even care or try.. it just makes them uncomfortably e and they think im making a big deal of it and using it or something.. which like whatever i get its not like i go around comforting everyone especially now and ik im not the center of everyones universe. but its like okay everyone else wants to avoid it but i cant because i cant even read a book watch a tv show whatever without some casual mention of cancer. because its some entertaining side thing in everyones lives but for me im simply focusing on it too much

like i dont want to be The Sick Girl really especially because to get any sympathy you have to be very happy about it and very constantly talented at something which is hard, when you are in pain all the time and very aware of the death your brain is soon about to cause u at any possible moment, but i dont know what else to do lol. maybe meds will help but idk :) i want to be optimistic but its like i dont think we can talk therapy our way out of this one !

idk why im writing this lol im just tired of trying im rly at my limit like... hearing “i think you overthought it” yeah well. dying will do that to you

i know describing myself as dying isnt rly making me any more appealing to be friends with but im just sad . cool. its not like i would super want to be friends with someone who was miserable all the fucking time but on the other side its also like wow im having fun feeling so entirely isolated

i wish i was a different person mostly. maybe if i was more graceful this would be more fun & like sympathy garnering instead of being like very lonely and my bones hurt etc

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letterstomilen · 4 years

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i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ.

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

Childe