#idk the joints can’t take all the physical stuff I wanna make

[thresholdbb]

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

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We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

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My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

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I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

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HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

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Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

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Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[purplesurveys]

1010

survey from diggitydoo

Have you ever felt a baby kick? Yes, when my mom was pregnant with my brother. What color pants/shorts are you wearing? I’m only wearing a duster gown; no shorts underneath. I just got it last night, actually - my mom wanted to donate clothes to victims of a recent fire incident in Manila and so she asked my sister and I to sort through our closets for clothes we were willing to give away. My sister ended up giving away a comfy-looking duster gown that she never even wore and even smelled brand new to boot. It ended up in my hands, ha. But apart from that we gave away a lot of stuff that aren’t old uniforms or costumes (which is what most people tend to ‘donate’, ugh), so we just hope they end up with people who really need them. When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Last night I went on our org’s Discord server and we played Jackbox games for around an hour or so. It was my first time to socialize again after around two months and I really, really needed that moment. I even met the org’s newest roster of applicants for this semester, which was neat. :) What was the scariest moment of your life? Men terrorizing me or near-car crashes I’ve had.

Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen? The name is familiar, but that’s the most I know.

Pancakes or flapjacks? I guess pancakes, since I don’t even know what flapjacks are. What kind of computer are you on? It’s a laptop. Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what's your favorite dish? For sure. Pork buns or minced pork with eggplant. With century egg on the side, yum. What are you usually doing at midnight? Either passed out or desperately trying to sleep because I don’t want to lose any more hours of sleep and risk being cranky for the whole of the next day. Have you ever developed feelings for a friend, but you were already with someone? No. The worst thing that’s happened was being someone’s ball date (and unbeknownst to me, they apparently had feelings for me at the time) while I was already with someone. If so, how did it turn out? He figured it out by himself, which I still feel bad about. But the timing was super off and I just couldn’t find a moment to sit him down and set the record straight...ah well. It was just super complicated at the time. Give me your brief definition of love. My favorite love-related quote is “Love never says ‘I have done enough’” and for the longest time, that has been my guiding principle when it comes to it. Definitely a tad bit cheesy, but telling myself that over and over makes it easier to continue loving the people I care for and be patient with them when they’re being asses. Gab included, then and now. What is the most beautiful part of the human body, male or female? It differs for everyone but I’m a thigh girl through and through. What kind of shoes do you wear? Uh...various ones? I have sneakers, flats, heels, flip-flops, probably a couple more kinds that I can’t place at the moment. What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Resorting to physical violence. I was a kid constantly exposed to violence in my old home, and at the time I genuinely thought that’s how most things were settled or pacified. I still feel like shit about it to this day, and my backstory isn’t an excuse at all; but the past is the past and I’ve been trying to make up for it by being a much more gentle angry person in the last few years. Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? Nope. Do you like the smell of coconuts? For some reason I can’t stand anything coconut (which is a damn shame considering I’m Filipino) but I love dishes with heaps of coconut milk in them, like curry. That’s the one coconut-related thing I enjoy, but otherwise I’ve never learned to appreciate the taste and smell of buko juice, coconut shavings, coconut pies, and everything else coconut. What is the heaviest you think you can lift? From what my old PE class showed me, around 70 to 80 lbs. Do you take Tums? Idk what that is so I guess I don’t. Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach? I’m not sure if I’ve been to a pier before. I bet it feels wonderful and freeing and I’d love to visit one; but I also can’t keep myself from associating piers with the recurring image of Jennifer Connelly’s character standing on one from Requiem for a Dream. How about under one? No. At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? Not sure if it was 11 or 12, but it was definitely one of those years. Do you feel that way around anyone now? Yeah, if they allowed me to see them. But I’m shut out now so I haven’t had that sensation in a while.

Do you ever talk to yourself or think deep thoughts while on the toilet? No. Do you ever sing to yourself? Sure. I’m sure most people do every once in a while. What is a sound that relaxes you? Ocean waves have never failed. How hard has it been to reach your main goal in life? ‘Main goal’ sounds so overwhelming; I make it a point to avoid one overarching goal and instead make little goals and plans here and there depending on where I am in life. Do you remember the song about hoes in different area codes? Never heard of it. What is your main heritage? Filipino. What kind of pickles do you prefer, if you like pickles? I hate pickles. What kind of cheese do you prefer, if you like cheese? Mozzarella and feta are my faves, but I love cheese and am willing to be adventurous when it comes to it. If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want? Eh, they can stay in the sea where they can actually survive. I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to keeping fish as pets. How about a farm animal? Probably pig. So, do you have hoes in different area codes? No, and ew. What is the most annoying song you can think of that came out recently? Haven’t been exposed to a lot of new music lately and the songs I do get to hear on the radio whenever I drive are actually pretty good. This totally doesn’t answer your question but my favorites so far have been Birthday by Disclosure, Kehlani, and Syd; and Plain by Benee, Lily Allen, and Flo Milli. What is a song that you hate to admit you like? Any Kanye song I like. What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? Not wanting to go into another downward spiral. Do you ever use Urban Dictionary? Extremely rarely. I only do when there’s a new slang I’m completely unfamiliar with. Do you find the definitions on there to be generally funny or stupid? Stupid for the most part. I find them too immature or vulgar, but that’s one of the points of the website so I guess I’m just not in their target audience lol. What comes to your mind when you hear the word 'transformation'? Uh, the Transformer robots.

What was something you regularly played with as a child? My cousins’ toy soldiers.

Have you ever given in to peer pressure? Eh, a few times. If so, what did you do? I’ve been pulled to drinking sessions here and there when I really shouldn’t be drinking because I had an important test tomorrow or something else was happening the next day that was just as significant. What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? Teeth, I’m pretty sure. I’ve had braces, needed a tooth extracted, gotten a cavity, and gone through a severe toothache.

Do a lot of people check you out when you're in public? Idk I never look around because being aware of it would just freak me out and make me feel like I’m naked. What is a good name for a turtle? Would depend on their personality. And this applies to all kinds of pets, at least for me. I don’t decide on their names until I have a good grasp of their attitude. Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)? Stereotypical Filipino mom and valley girl. Do you like having your ear nibbled on? Sure. What makes a good kisser a good kisser? I’ve only kissed one person so I’m not the best judge for this; but I always like it when my lower lip is tugged or grazed on. How many times a year do you have a family thing? This is a little vague for me. Do you mean get-togethers? Giant-ass reunions? Movie nights? Game nights?  What are the best things to put in a smoothie? I only like one kind of smoothie and it’s sold by a local joint – and I think I’ve already shared this before but that smoothie of theirs that I like has “apple, banana, cinnamon, oats, coco sugar, chia seeds, greens, and soy milk,” according to their menu. So I guess those are the best ingredients for me, ha. Do you ever eat with your eyes closed and just focus on the taste? When I find something extremely delicious, yeah. What do you dislike most about where you live right now? For the most part I can’t wait to get out of suburban residential villages. I’d love to finally experience living in a condo in a super busy and active city. Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses? Yes.

Are you watching your weight? Not really. I’m trying to gain pounds though, if anything. I haven’t eaten much in the last two months. Have you ever become really good friends with someone you found online? I trust y’all with my life, so that’s one. Apart from Tumblr, the best friends I made were probably the people in the AJ/Punk fandom, back when I had a stan account on Twitter. I don’t remember most of their names now and we fizzled out pretty quickly when both parts of the ship left WWE, but I look back on that period with fondness. Those people made high school a lot easier for me. What makes your best friend your best friend? She doesn’t care whether I’m on top of the world with happiness or completely self-destructive and crying my eyes out; she has always been present. Do you have a drunk uncle? *rolls eyes* We don’t wanna open up that can of worms... Do you hear weird noises in your house at night? Nope. What is something you do that is generally more like something the opposite sex does? Based on personal experience and not to come off as sexist, but it’s liking wrestling. I have never met a girl in real life who has even the most remote interest in pro wrestling or can tell me who Hulk Hogan is. And the ones I’ve had discussions with - from shallow/casual to in-depth - have all been guys. Seeing girls who are into wrestling is like finding a rare Pokemon, at least in real life. What is the girliest thing you do, if you're a girl? Idk. What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? Probably the spork tattoo of Josh, a crew member from Good Mythical Morning. It’s just a line tattoo. Of a spork. On his arm. But he managed to make it so goddamn fascinating lmao; and apparently, as I learned just now, it has a pretty touching backstory to it too, which makes it a million times cooler. Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? I’ve never finished any of the crafts I bought. Never finished a coloring book page much less an entire coloring book, a painting, a gem painting...it’s something I’ll have to bring my butt to do one of these days. I can’t imagine how fulfilling it would feel. Do you only eat the middle of the oreo, if you eat oreos? I eat the whole thing but I honestly find Oreos too sweet and I’ve always much rather preferred Oreo-flavored stuff instead of the actual cookies.

Do you know anyone with a huge ego? My mom. If so, is there anything else about them you actually like? She’s fed me for 22 years and gave me an education, I guess. Though it’s something I appreciate more so than like. Have you ever used a racial slur, even jokingly? Probably as a dumb kid, when historical context wasn’t a thing to me yet. I still wince thinking about it, but I suppose what matters is being better and more responsible moving forward. Do you have any friends who are more like siblings to you? Angela and to some extent Andi. 

If so, what about them do you like most? They are both understanding when it comes to me - almost to a fault. What do you like on your hotdogs, if you eat hotdogs? When you say ‘hotdogs’ here, it refers to the sausages itself. The sandwich kind of hotdog isn’t super popular here. What is everyone else in your house doing right now? My siblings are still resting in their rooms; my dad is preparing for work, I think. What is the most money you've ever had at one time? Something like P10,000 or P15,000 when my mom needed me to pay for something in cash. How long do you think it would take you to run a mile? Idk, maybe 10 minutes. I won’t be fast, that’s for sure. Look down. What do you see? My legs and the pillow I’m sitting on. What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Right now, probably my failed relationship. I haven’t gotten to the sharing stage yet and remotely thinking about it gets my voice all shaky. What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? Paramore. What kind of mood were you in most of today? It’s only 7:52 AM. My only mood so far is just woke up. Has anyone ever walked in on you naked? Yeah. Because people in this damn house never knock. Tell me an inside joke you have with someone. The word ‘ariba.’ What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Break my trust. So simple but it packs a punch. What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Idk if I’ve ever been that aggressive. When I want to do something destructive towards someone I always end up asking what it would feel like if the action was done to me, and it’s always been enough to sway me away from doing the thing. How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated? Sad. How about the last person (your last ex)? Same person. What is the best invention ever invented? Air conditioners.

What is something that needs to be invented? Portable air conditioners. What always makes you burp? My burps come randomly. What are you doing tomorrow? It’s my last weekend before my new job, soooooooo...I’ll be bumming around for my last two days of freedom.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #302

“heaven ain’t close in a place like this”

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. What's your favorite type of milk? If we're talking the basics, ig 1% is fine. What would you change about your appearance if you could? Oh, hunny, you got time for an essay? What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I need to fucking finish decorating it... It's not finished by no fault but my own laziness. Are you rich or poor? We're definitely pretty poor. Are you double jointed? I don't think so. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? I once had a large infected cyst that had to be drained by applying pressure to it, and I swear to Christ I don't know how I didn't faint. They gave me morphine and multiple numbing shots, but none of that did SHIT. I'm not even embarrassed by the fact I was shrieking and sobbing and swearing because I'm pretty fucking sure any sane person would've cried out many times. I'm convinced they either didn't numb me enough for someone of my size back then, or I should've just gone under for it. I have no words for how painful it really was. Do you like shots? Uh, given that nobody LIKES getting a shot with a needle, I'm going to assume you mean like, taking shots of alcohol, in which case I've never tried, but I can almost absolutely guarantee you I'd hate them. I hate the taste of alcohol (hence why I only drink sweet and weak stuff), sooooo, I've got my doubts I'd enjoy something so potent. Are you afraid of spiders? Yes and no? Small ones don't tend to get to me, and I LOVE tarantulas. Big spiders are absolutely fascinating and I love *watching* them, but if I was surprised by a sudden spider, I'm going to probably cry out and jump/scramble away. But on a real note, respect your spiders, whether they scare you or not. They are so important to the ecosystem. See one in the house, take it outside if you can. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? To some earrings, yes. I have to wear ones that don't have silver in them. Do you like to read? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid. I'm even slacking on WoF lately... Do you know what your purpose in life is? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* BITCH I WISH I KNEW What's something you would like to improve at? Not being a socially anxious catastrophe. Do you believe you have great potential? Everybody does. You just have to use it. What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? Probably the mountains when driving to Tennessee. Or New York? I really can't recall either so clearly as to have a favorite. Are you flexible? Noooot anymore. Back in my WiiFit days, I was a gotdamn snake. List a song lyric that you like. Oh Jesus, don't make me think. Uhhhhh there's so many. Flipping through artists in my head with lyrics I tend to love, there's Otep with: "hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?". Simple, but spine-chilling to me. Huh, time to listen to it actually, lol. That song murders me with the goosebumps. Do you meditate? No; I can't. You can't tell me to "free my mind," man. It's way too hectic at all times up there. What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I'd love to go back to Chicago one night when I actually learn how to do nighttime urban photography. What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? I always answer "South Africa" to questions like this, so for variety's sake, I'll say the Bahamas. But a conspiratory bitch is afraid of the Bermuda Triangle, so... lmao. What's your favorite type of tree? I like big, impressive weeping willows. How many times have you seriously injured yourself? Only two occasions I can think of immediately. Maybe there's more, but idk. Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Yeah, even though I hated it. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Maybe a little passed the small of my back? What about the shortest? (not including being a toddler or baby): How it is now and has been for a couple years: shaved short on the left side, and it transitions to a length near my chin as you go to the right. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I did, and I played the flute. I'd choose the saxophone if I could go back. Who does the grocery shopping in your household? Well, it's just Mom and me, so her. If you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? One that focuses on ovarian cancer for Mom. What is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? Even though I was never great at it or knew every single rule, "Magic: The Gathering" is honestly really fun, and I loved looking at the card art. I haven't played it since I was with Jason, so at least five-six years. Would you consider yourself to be good at spelling and grammar? Yeah, but I've somehow gotten worse with time???? I question the spelling and tenses of words I write a lot. What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times): Probably like, chocolate rabbits. NOT hollow. Way to break my heart. Or gingerbread cookies. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I think a Hershey's? It was a while ago. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? I was in a Zoom session with multiple people for my partial hospitalization program. Have you ever dreamt about sleeping with someone other than your partner? If so, did that make you feel embarrassed? I've never had a dream like this while in a relationship. The last time you had butterflies in your stomach, what was the reason? I have no idea. Has anyone told you that they miss you recently? No. Has anyone ever asked you out or told you that they liked you, and you rejected them? Can you explain why you didn’t like, or didn’t feel attracted to that person? There was this one guy in the 4th grade who asked me if I would go out with him so much it almost became like a joke. I just... didn't like him like that. Then there's Juan; I'd just been warned that he had a bad rep by a very reliable adult, and the idea of dating him was kinda... intimidating anyway. Plus he was a smoker, which was and still is a no-no for me. What part in a movie would you love to play? The clinically insane villain or something because I feel with my history, I could channel that very well IF I actually wanted to act in the first place. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba walks up Pride Rock in the rain and roars and all the lionesses join in. Chilling. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Candy corn is repulsive. What was the highlight of your day? My mom was raving to one of my therapists in the PHP about my art and how badly she wants me to just get everything out there. I was smiling really big but looking down with how shy but also flattered it made me. Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so. Who has hurt you the most this year? Ha, myself. What's the last insult someone said to you? Hm. How much did your car cost? N/A What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Uhhh Mom mighta sent me a meme or Sara showed me a drawing someone made of Suriza, I think. Have you ever let someone go because you thought they deserved better? No, though I've felt that way before. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? I'm still not over the fact Dad was a druggie before me and my sisters, apparently. It's almost like... hurtful in some weird way? Idk exactly why, it's just something I know I feel. What do you hear right now? I have Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" playing in another tab. Do you do anything to help the environment? I do what I can as someone who isn't financially independent and reliant on another person for transportation. I won't litter for anything (and this includes shit like letting balloons go in the air, fucking stop), I'm trying to use my metal straw always in place of plastic, and to use less plastic bags, I try to spread out the times I clean Roman's litterbox to a few days; not to the point it's disgusting or uncomfortable for him, of course, though. Three days without is pretty much max. When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ha, a little while ago... I was trying to avoid eating the two last biscuits Mom made for dinner 'cuz I really gotta lay off the carbs, but Mom "joked" that "it's your birthday, you get to do whatever you want," so I kinda just said fuck it lmao. Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, because my eyes squint badly, and I also hate my teeth. When's the last time you cried over a guy? A few days ago a little bit, actually. I was reminiscing too much and recalling some of the warmest memories. Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did. Oh well. Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now? Yep. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you care about the last person you kissed? A fucking lot. Do they care about you? Yes. Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Yes, just because of past birthday memories. I keep hoping a "happy birthday Britt" pops up in my FB messenger, and I hate myself for it. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? I legitimately just huffed in humor, guess, lmao. What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? That I'm a martyr, going nowhere, lazy, not trying hard enough, y'know, all that good stuff. Do you flirt a lot? Definitely not. What phrase or saying do you use the most? Probably "oof" lol. What mood are you in right now? I'm doing pretty all right. Kinda dreading Miss Tobey coming over, mean as it is, but I just... don't wanna deal with her and her judgments on my birthday. But I'm looking forward to seeing my sisters, and therapy went very well. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Yep. How many exes do you have? I only consider two exes "serious," as I've only been in two deep and long-term relationships, but if we're counting everyone who's had the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," there's six. Do you want to be single or with someone? Ugh, I don't know. It's probably better I don't 'til I figure my shit out, but I really do miss the companionship a lot. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love her and I was leaving her at the airport. Does your mom think you’re a virgin? She doesn't know for the same reason I don't, really. I think she leans towards I am, but idk. Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? I don't know. What size bra do you wear? Uhhh I genuinely don't buy bras enough to know this exactly. C-something. Does the person you last kissed still like you? I don't know if she still like-likes me. Are your parents still together? Noooo. Was your first time good or bad? I dated an Italian, if u kno what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Which friend-turned-enemy do you miss the most? Colleen, sometimes. Have you ever used an epi pen, and it worked? I have not. What is on your top priority list for today? Make this fuckin' day for me. I'm trying to not let the depression sink in and make me feel worthless on today of all days. So I'm trying to stay in a positive headspace. Do you own any sand art in a jar? Omg, those are so cool! But no. Does the sun come in your window in the morning or at night? Not really; there's houses in the way. What was the last piece of art you created? A drawing of a meerkat with its mouth open angrily, done with colored pencils, against a black background. It's on my second dA. What time of day do you take medications? I have prescription meds for when I wake up and at bedtime. What's your newest hobby you've started? A new hobby? Huh... What are some things you wanted to do that your parents didn't let you do? They wouldn't let us stay home alone until a certain age, we had a timer on the TV at bedtime to shut off after a while, we weren't exposed to certain music or shows, no cursing... stuff like that. What YouTube channels do you recommend? This is a BAD question to ask me, 'cuz I could just about recommend channels for just about any niche. I watch soooooo many. What is your favorite day of the week? Tuesday, because it's reset day in WoW, haha. Meaning, I get to do my stupid mount farming raids again for the week. Blackhand, gimme your FUCKING clefthoof already. Ballet or cheerleading? Ballet is beautiful. What are your favorite sports to watch? Only dancing, really. Were you ever in the marching band? No. Which holiday has the best decorations, in your opinion? My contrasting aesthetics make this hard, haha. I love Christmas with all the beautiful light displays people can make, but let's not sleep on Halloween, y'all. I loooove Halloween decor, like c'mon, that's where I get shit for my room year-round, lmao. What do you want to be known for? It'd actually be kinda cool if I built up some sort of rep in the vulture culture community with my photography of roadkill. For how few shots I actually have on there and minimal interaction, my Instagram for it is doing quite well, if you consider those factors. They've gotten some pretty decent attention on dA, too. I would love for people to know why I do it though, of course: awareness and respect for the animal's life. How often do you wear make-up? Almost never nowadays. Think of the person you are jealous of...what are you jealous of them for? She's actually making a career out of her photography. Do you have art that you made in high school? Oh, plenty. Do you have trauma in your past? *clears throat* take a fuckin seat Favorite type of frosting? Chocolate. Have you ever tried cake decorating? No. One of my sisters is actually one, though! She's great at it. What clubs are you a part of? None. What was your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. 6th grade, to be exact. Do you like to read classics, or do you usually read new arrivals? I don't prefer one over the other, honestly. Were you a big partier in college? No, I never partied. Is your college one you would recommend? My most recent one, fuck yes. They're amazing and care so deeply for their students. Would you go camping in the woods alone? Yikes, no. Would you name your kids after anyone? If I had a son and I had my way with the name, he would be named after the Most Selfless Man in the World, Damien from WKM. :'''''( Do you have any supernatural gifts? No. Are there any good churches in your town? You're asking someone who has a bad relationship with religion. Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? It really depends on the season and venue my spouse and I pick. Do you think you would be a good salesperson? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW fam. I ain't pressuring people to buy shit.

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- im a non-diagnosed autistic and looking through this blog im shocked at how awful some of these parents are and then i remember that not all parents were as great as mine was, my mom knew i fell on the spectrum before i did and worked hard with me as a child to get me socialized, answering all my “why should i respond to things this way” questions, and understanding how what i did affected others. im still autistic but i like to think i can handle life better because of how she raised me

I know, it’s so sad to read. My parents aren’t great but some of the parents I read about are just horrible :(

- iiaat to do physical things weirdly? like when i run i have a hard time bending my legs and moving the joints in my hips at the same time but idk if that's from one of my previous knee injuries or from autism...

Autistics often hold ourselves weirdly in terms of posture etc (I sit really weird). If you have a previous injury that you think may be contributing to it then it’s probably worth seeing a Dr about it if possible.

- iiaat to be unable to hold a grudge? or to understand anger? i can't get mad, only frustrated. and it makes me frustrated that i can't get mad. (?) it's weird.

It could be, yes. Autism causes issues with emotional regulation as well as alexithymia which makes it difficult to distinguish emotions.

- iiaAT when sometimes after getting home from something, you just really don't want to talk about it? Even if the thing went great, for some reason the idea of trying to say any of it is just really discomforting. Some days I'll just talk endlessly, but most of the time even thinking about talking about it can render me nonverbal. 🦉🌹

You could be low on spoons when that happens, which would be related to autism.

- Hey, I haven't been following for very long but I wanna say thanks for making this blog. I know it wasn't made with this in mind but it helped me realize that I'm not autistic. I have some social anxiety traits and I stim to cope. But yeah, I identify with a lot of the stuff on this blog which is why I thought I was autistic. Plus it helped me get more comfortable stimming. Anyway, it's been good. Thanks again

I’m glad we could help in a roundabout way like that

- How do I deal with meltdowns at work, aside of sobbing in the office bathroom?

You could try getting a small stim/fidget toy to help you ground yourself. I would recommend learning some mindfulness skills as well. Take short breaks as much as you can (for example if I get overwhelmed then I’ll go for a smoke break, but I would heavily recommend that you don’t start smoking just for that. I don’t encourage anyone to smoke.)

[shamelessly4shameless-blog]

What we need. What we have.

Anon: Hi Han, please could you write a story. It’s a bit of a jumble but I have this idea of Mickey maybe trying to get someones wallet or maybe like a sweater back to them and Ian being a bit of a pest wanting sex but Mickey is trying to do a good deed? IDK. Please try if you think it might be good. Thank you! Love all your work so much! xxx

“Hey! I found a wallet!”

Iggy dropped down onto the sofa next to Ian and snatched the video controller out of his hand.

“Oh yeah? Any money in it?”

Ian cupped his now empty hands around a joint and lit up contentedly. Iggy shook his head and tossed it over Ian into Mickey’s lap.

“Nah, but it’s quality. Might get a couple bucks for it.”

Mickey plucked the joint out from between Ian’s lips and stuck it between his own, earning himself a scowl

“Jesus. Does anyone in this family ever ask for anything?”

“No.”

Both Milkovich’s smirked in unison and Ian shook his head, suppressing a small smile.

“Assholes.”

Mickey quirked an eyebrow at the insult but didn’t respond as he opened the wallet and began prodding through the contents.

There was an old photo, two men stood side by side, arms around each others shoulders. There was something about the pose that didn’t strike Mickey as being merely friendly. It was too intimate, their bodies pressed too close. He flipped the picture over and read the note on the back

‘Jack and Jim. August 1977. Love is Love.’

“Where’d you find this?”

He asked, passing Iggy the joint.

“Over on Newly Avenue. Was just lyin’ there. Weird.”

“Why weird?”

Ian let Iggy have a couple of puffs and then reclaimed his smoke. He didn’t mind sharing but Iggy could be like a human chimney with weed and Ian wanted to get good and baked and take Mickey into the bedroom for an afternoon of really filthy sex. The kind that would leave his boyfriend close to exhaustion, his lips swollen and sore and his body quivering on the bed, too wiped out to even clean himself up, letting Ian pamper him without complaint.

“Because it was like no one else could see it. You drop a wallet it normally gets snatched up like fuckin’ birdseed.”

“Birdseed?”

Ian spluttered, handing the joint back to Mickey who waved it away, once again rifling through the compartments in the little black leather pouch.

“Yeah like cause people are like birds and they swarm free shit.”

Iggy grinned around the joint as Ian dissolved into a fit of giggles.

“Doesn’t have an address in it.”

Mickey mumbled causing  Iggy to frown at him.

“Well they’re clumsy, not stupid. If it had an address I’d have gone round and roughed the asshole up for a reward.”

Mickey gave his brother an impatient look and stood up.

“I’m headin’ over there. You wanna come?”

“What? No! Don’t ...”

Ian scrabbled to his feet, following Mickey to the door

“C’mon. No one is giving you a reward for an empty wallet Mickey.”

Mickey switched his impatient look to his boyfriend and shook his head

“I don’t want a fuckin’ reward and it ain’t empty. It’s got personal stuff in it. Someone might need it.”

“What?”

Ian scrunched his face up, confused

“Since when do you give a shit about stuff like that?”

“I … fuck you. You comin’ or not?”

“Fine. But I was hoping we’d spend the afternoon in bed. Together. Naked...”

“I can fuckin’ hear you!”

Iggy called over his shoulder and then returned the middle finger that he didn’t have to look to know his brother was giving him.

“Yeah well. Newly ain’t far. We can do whatever nasty shit you want later.”

Ian pouted and zipped his hoodie up firmly

“How’d you know it was gonna be nasty? Might have been sweet.”

Mickey snorted and held the front door open, ushering Ian out

“Not likely when you’re stoned. You always want to get your tongue right in ...”

“STILL FUCKING HEAR YOU!!!”

Iggy roared and Mickey slammed the door firmly behind him.

*

They walked the couple of blocks to Newly in relative silence. Mickey had the wallet in his pocket and kept his hand on it possessively. Ian slung his arm around Mickey’s shoulders once they were a little way away from the Milkovich house and Mickey let him do it which was a surprise. A pleasant surprise but still …

“You Okay?”

“Yep.”

“Sure?”

“Yep.”

Ian rolled his eyes and moved his arm, letting it fall in a clumsy arc to slap his palm teasingly on Mickey’s ass.

“Fuck sake! We’re in public, Ian.”

“Not my fault that ass won’t quit.”

Mickey’s lip quirked upwards but he tongued away the smile and shook his head

“You’re a fuckin’ pervert.”

“Says the guy licked jello off my nipples last night.”

“You fuckin’ put it there!”

Ian grinned wickedly and leant in close enough for his breath to tickle Mickey’s ear

“Wasn’t me who smeared it over my ass.”

Mickey glanced around furtively but the street was empty.

“Also, it’s not me who likes things to get a bit rough.”

“The Hell it isn’t!”

Mickey stopped dead, making Ian have to back track to him with a shy smile on his face

“Well ...”

Ian considered whilst Mickey looked up at him with utter incredulity

“Do I need to list every damn time you’ve left a bruise on me?”

“No … I mean, it might be fun but you don’t need to. Maybe just tell me about the ones you enjoyed most?”

Mickey narrowed his eyes at Ian. The redhead was far too handsome for any of his expressions to be called a ‘leer’ but the one on his face was damn close. The difficulty was that despite Mickey’s outrage his treacherous body was reacting all too warmly to Gallagher’s nonsense.

“You’re an asshole. And a pervert.”

Mickey managed finally, shoving Ian lightly and thumbing his lip to quell a smile that would undermine what little dignity he had left.

Ian danced around him as Mickey continued walking, every now and then darting out one strong hand or the other to touch Mickey lightly, mostly on his butt, and ask

“The one I left here?”

“How about here?”

“This one?”

Mickey shook his head, desperately trying not to either laugh or shove his boyfriend into oncoming traffic.

“I’m gonna leave a real good one on you later.”

He growled as Ian bounced in and touched Mickey’s nipple through his shirt, raising his eyebrows in silent question.

“Promise? Leave more than one.”

“Jesus, Gallagher.”

“Aww come on, I can handle whatever you can give.”

Mickey gave in and smiled down at his boots. The thought of beating Ian was, at that exact moment, rather appealing but not really something Mickey was likely to be able to do and they both fuckin’ knew it.

“You ain’t handlin’ shit, Firecrotch.”

“Is it because you just want to be sweet to me? Treat me nice?”

“Right now? No.”

Mickey glanced around again but didn’t protest as Ian stepped in again, pressing his chest flush to Mickey’s.

“You want to be good for me, huh?”

“What the fuck, man?”

Mickey could feel the colour creeping into his cheeks. They were in the middle of an empty street, in broad daylight and Ian seemed about ready to have him right there. His hands gripped Mickey’s upper arms tightly and his eyes focussed intently on Mickey’s own deep blue iris’.

“I’ve been real bad, Mick. I need you to teach me a lesson. You can’t always be sweet to me.”

Ian purred, his lips grazing Mickey’s earlobe.

“Okay, but maybe not right here?”

He raised his eyebrows in warning and Ian finally bit his lip a little guiltily and stepped back, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Sorry. Got carried away.”

“Yeah, kinda.”

Mickey gave him a final ‘what the fuck’ look and then shrugged. He loved it when Ian told him exactly what he needed and Mickey loved to please him, whatever that looked like on any given day.

“I mean … uh … you’ve started something now, you know? I’m gonna have to sort you out later and you’re gonna have to deal with that.”

Ian’s embarrassed scowl lightened into another slightly cheeky grin.

“Yeah?”

“Oh definitely. You’re done, Gallagher.”

Ian bit his lip and his eyes lit with expectation but mercifully he seemed content to just revel in what Mickey had said rather than demanding more. Mickey huffed out a heavy breath and gave Ian a side-on look before dismissing it as him just being a horny eighteen year old. There had been some weird shit lately but Ian had been stressed. Svetlana, money, South Side … all of it. It was fucking hard, Mickey knew that. If Ian wanted something to release that tension – a bit of blood on his lips, having someone push his buttons, or getting his ass whooped, well shit. Mickey understood that and was more than happy to oblige.

*

As they turned onto Newly, Mickey squeezed the wallet in his pocket a little tighter. There was a lady rummaging through her bags and a couple of kids hanging out on bikes but not the sort of person he was looking for.

“What’s the plan?”

Ian asked and Mickey shrugged, irritated with himself for not having a plan.

“I guess walk up to the end of the street, walk back down, if no one is looking for a wallet, toss the fucker in the trash.”

“Cool.”

Ian nodded, falling easily into step beside his boyfriend. Mickey smiled slightly to himself. This was one of the things he liked most about Ian. He could be a bossy, inappropriate asshole one minute but then when Mickey needed him to shut the fuck up and just go with something, he was always down for it. Whatever stupid fucking thing it was, Ian would do it if Mickey was doing it. He wasn’t afraid or ashamed to help. Mickey valued that kind of loyalty very highly and hoped he could return it at least a little.

He licked his lips, looked around once, and then squared his shoulders and grabbed Ian’s ass cheek in a tight, full palmed grip, hard enough to know that the skin beneath the denim was bleaching white around the outline of his fingers before flushing pink.

“And don’t fuckin’ distract me while we’re doing it. You’re in enough shit.”

Ian looked momentarily shocked and then a slow, sexy smile spread across his face. Mickey tightened his grip, making Ian wince.

“The fuck you smiling at?”

“Nothin’. Sorry.”

Ian physically wiped the smile from his face and Mickey nodded, releasing him. Ian walked a little closer, his arm brushing lightly against Mickey’s, and there was a definite spring in his step but clearly Mickey had got the game right as Ian just walked, saying nothing.

*

They walked up one side and had just started to come down another when Mickey saw a guy up ahead peering intently at shrubs and in gutters. He couldn’t see his face but hadn’t actually studied the photo that much so doubted it would help anyway.

“Hey. You lose something?”

The guy looked up wearily

“I don’t want any trouble, son.”

“Me neither. You lose something?”

Mickey gripped the wallet a little harder. He thought it might have been the dude on the left but he really didn’t know.

“Yeah. My wallet.”

Mickey looked over his shoulder and tongued his lip, pulling it out of his pocket. Ian startled and gave Mickey a confused look which his boyfriend ignored.

“This one?”

He held it out and the older man’s face lit up.

“Holy shit! Yes! That’s the one.”

He reached out for it and then stopped looking at Mickey cautiously

“Go ahead, it’s yours. Ain’t got any money in it though.”

“Ha. Never had any to begin with. Thank you. Truly. Thank you.”

Mickey shrugged. Now that the deed was done he just wanted to get out of there and head home with Ian.

“It’s cool. I figured you’d want what is in there anyway.”

The man, Jack or Jim, pulled out the photo and glanced between Mickey and Ian with a knowing smile.

“Love is love, boys.”

“Yeah well. See ya.”

Mickey didn’t look back at Jack/Jim but Ian did and saw the little picture.

“Aww Mick.”

“What?”

“We walked all the way over so you could get that guy his picture back?”

Ian’s voice was all soft and hopeful and … proud? Jesus. Mickey gritted his teeth and pressed his lips together.

“Why? I mean it’s so nice of you but why?”

“Because ...”

Mickey looked around, more furtively than he had when Ian had been talking dirty to him, more cautiously than before he grabbed Ian’s ass and then, satisfied no one could hear them, he murmured

“Cause I have a photo in my wallet too. Fuckin’ suck if I lost it.”

“You do?”

Ian cocked his head to the side and Mickey nodded

“Yeah.” “What’s it of?”

“Mind your own fuckin’ business!”

*

Later that night, with Mickey passed out in bed and Ian trying to find a comfortable position to sleep after then delightfully thorough working over his boyfriend had given him, reminding Ian exactly of the capabilities of the man he fell for, Ian slipped out of bed.

He picked Mickey’s pants up and patted the pockets until he found his wallet.

Under the light of his cellphone, Ian pulled out the folded photo and after one final guilty look at Mickey’s sleeping form, unfolded it.

“Aww Mick.”

He whispered. He wondered if he still had that beanie, or that shirt and made a mental note to find both if he could and wear them the next night ... and be as sweet to Mickey as he could be. He had everything he needed and things he had not even known he wanted. And Ian wanted Mickey to be able to say the same.

[jjinomu]

how did you get into editing pmd models? you're super good at them, and i'm considering taking it up. i was wondering, how/where did you pick it up?

oh boi oh geez where do i even begin omg (long post so i chucked the rest under the cut)

first thank you for your compliment hehe i really appreciate that!! but hmmm well- i started editing pmd/pmx models like aaaaaages ago i dont even remember much but generally for most beginners, lots of people tend to recolour (i mean i did it too when i first started hehe shout out to my zatsune model edit of animasa miku phew gud ol’ days) which is totally okay especially if you’re just figuring out how like colours/textures work and the whole material panel/subsets/i’m saying-weird-terminology-that-you-probably-don’t-get-yet pretty much all the tools and what they do that’s totally okay hehe once you poke around it for a while, you’ll get use to which tool does what and that’s all gud (i recommend getting the english translated version of PMDeditor (or PMX- i use PMX) because that’ll save you a lot of time (i use the japanese version because i’m weird and dumb and i’m still trying to figure stuff out myself to this day)

after that phase of recolouring (normally i wouldn’t recommend staying in this for long like, i recoloured 1 model and moved on straight away HAHA) at this point one of the most common and main styles of editing for starters is taking editable (or ‘legal’) parts from other models that allow editing (make sure stuff is editable before you do anything or you could get in trouble), and then piecing it together to form your own cool new model edit yeyeye, there should be plenty of tutorials how to do this and how to avoid glitches with joints/physics/bones and stuff so if you want, just hmu privately and i can quest for some for you, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to find!! 

usually lots of people generally stay in that area of editing which is totally chill as well, with practice and constant improvement you could like reach some good levels of work from just part-editing itself, ive seen it happen many many times!!

otherwise the other option you could go down is what i generally do nowadays for editing- and that’s i guess, ‘modelling parts’ (which is what most people call it) or ‘meta-editing’- it involves pretty much, chucking a base into an external 3D program to build clothes/your own parts and then re-rig it entierly again in PMXeditor (i’m a lil tired asf but i have a tutorial tab on my tumblr page where i go more in depth on this and where to start if this is what you wanna do) thoUGH keep in mind, it’s probably best you get use to using PMX and all the terminolgy and such before anything or else it’ll be like what whAT WHat

personally i think that this ‘meta-editing’ method is almost the more easier and safer route, though when you’re starting out it’s like ‘MmMM shit’ but trust me it’s…. imo it’s easier than part-editing (because i used to do that too) mostly because 1. you just make your shit rather than find it (sometimes some parts aren’t even ever made) and 2. you avoid breaking rules completely because heck ur doing it 100% urself wat are rules (aside from obviously your base model’s rules haha)

i forgot what else i wanted to say um

oh yeah well- this is like the basic of the basic explanations, i need you to be more specific if you want me to teach you stuff but the least i can do now is give you a brief overview?? but das it ehe

otherwise some tips i’d like to mention as well which have nothing to do with the actual practice, are as follows:

#1 tip: that i donnn’t think i’ve ever preached on this blog before but i might as well start bc it’s important!!! try ur best to remain humble/modest watever- honestly i think….. if you start thinking you’re some God level editor or watever that’s when…… improvement kinda halts……. so even though it might be kinda ehhh, be a little harsh on yourself- you’re your own critic and it’s better to recognise your faults before someone else points them out for you (because that can hurt heaps, but i mean if u hate urself first nobody else can amirITE AMIRITE i’m kidding don’t hate urself)

i, for one am always very horrible to myself with my edits- like i dislike a looot of them which is actually kinda terrible LMAOO so i don’t recommend like hating everything you do because that ruins the fun- and sometimes it might even push you to stop entirely (i’ve known friends that have quit because they couldn’t get it right etc.) as long as you realise that whatever you do currently isn’t going to be as great as what you do later in life, then you’re like guranteed to improve no doubt about it- in a way, you’re not putting any limitations on yourself so you can grow from that! just continue to persevere, some people don’t improve until a looot later and some people improve like within weeks- so don’t let that get to you either!!! i’ve been doing this shit for like ages and i still am not as good as like actual modellers because i’ve just…. been too comfortable and improved only as an editor askdajsk

#2 tip: do not compare yourself to others especially when you’re first starting out- i’ve had…… quite a number of people compare themselves to me which is….. to say the least……. quite uncomfortable for the person you’re comparing yourself to??? because you gotta keep in mind how long people have been doing stuff (like this is my 6th year and literally everyday i’ve opened up PMX or metasequoia and i’ve toyed around for at least an hour) and idk just try not to compare yourself- because i know it’s kinda difficult not to but trust me, try to walk your own path you can create your own shit without necassarily comparing- unless you’re comparing to improve yourself whiiich leads me to my #3 tip

#3 tip: do not be afraid to mimic styles or toy with styles, i mean do not claim a certain style as your own that’s a HUGE nono, but it doesn’t hurt to like attempt to mimic someone who you look up to, and their style in order to help you improve and find your own style!! i personally mimic artists (rather than MMDers/editors) when i do my edits and then i started to develop my own kinda style??? like i still do a lot of imitation ‘edits’ which are those anime edits you see every now and again (like my yoi models or my binan models) and that’s fine!!! i think the most improvement i’ve ever had in terms of face-editing and stuff have come from me trying to imitate art of others (instead of just blindly going for my own style from the getgo) and this goes for drawing too!!! hell i still ‘mimic’ styles whenever i do any edits that have already an art design for?? i like accuracy first and then i play my style into it later and that’s totally cool too!! as long as you correctly credit and don’t claim as your own, you can’t really go much wrong (unless the person is like hey? can u pls stop? then ya don’t HAHA) i once had an incident back when i was a baby editor where i,,,,,,, kind of recreated someone else’s style of model edit line into like a different model style (in this case it was LAT so that’s how long ago it was) and then redistributed without their prior permission and ya that was bad don’t do that HAHA

and ya that should be it, i wrote this like 60 years ago and it’s been sitting in my drafts and i totally forgot about it until today so i hope that helps ya out!!

[anondt-blog]

the homegirl @tidsoptlmist tagged us! Thanks babe!  RULE 1: tag at least 9 people you want to get to know better

RULE 2: fill in the categories

APPEARANCE:  A: I’m very short... lol. I have tan skin, brown eyes, and like... thick black hair. Like a horse. Oh! And I have a nose ring :)  V: im short but I'm taller than A >:) , I’m really pale, hazel eyes, and brown hair that I want to dye all different colors again.  PERSONALITY:  A: I’M A BAD BITCH YOU CANT KILL ME! Nah I’m joking. Lmao, honestly I’m so proud of myself for changing the way I have. I would describe myself as confident, intuitive, and sort of an “all or nothing” type. I’m (almost) obnoxiously too loud, outspoken you can say. Overall, I think I’m pretty flexible with everyone I encounter, I get comfortable fast :))) 

V: I’m a perfectionist for starters , but I'm trying to get out of that uhhhh I'm organized, straight forward and very passionate when the topic comes. It takes me a while to get comfortable with people but once you’re in we’re cruising man.  ABILITY:  A: Physical ability wise... lmao I don’t think there’s SHIIITTTT. Can’t sing, dance, nothing really too spectacular.  However, I think writing is my strong suit. I don’t know if this is considered an “ability” but I really do feel like I’m psychic or like... heavily engaged with my spiritual side. Idk, I’m just really into that sort of stuff *laughs nervously* 

V: I can play the drums a lil and Im learning the bass right now. And you can say I have a basic skill in editing videos. 

HOBBIES: 

A: Writing, reading, and I’m finding that I’m picking up painting more! Just tryna get to know my brain ya know what I’m sayin? Physically wise I go to the gym 3-5 times a week 

V: HUGE film and television show fan, I dabble in drawing and painting but most of my creative outbursts stay in my head. And I go to the gym 3-5 times a day (Me and my sis have different routines if you’re wondering lol)

EXPERIENCES:  A: Unfortunately I haven't “experienced” much? Bc when I hear of experience I automatically think of traveling. I’ve been to NJ, Pennsylvania for some fam, and I recently got to stay in San Diego with some friends. I can go deeper with this topic but idk idk idk I don’t wanna make y'all read too much 

V: You guys have no idea how long it took me to answer this but I guess I haven't had many physical experiences but I did have to grow mentally and for that I think I'm more mature than people my age? if that makes sense idk I'm done lol.

MY LIFE:  A: I’m the oldest of 4! 19 if you wanna be exact. I’m in college, I live at home, and I work at an art studio with some friends currently. Just tryna take every day one at a time, tryna grow and prosper and continue onto my path of self love and growth <3 

V: I’m the middle child so you know what I mean by that. Senior in high school just counting the days to get the hell out. Don’t take that the wrong way I love my life in hs but I know there’s more for me out in the world.

RELATIONSHIPS:  A: I’ve been in and out of relationships for literal years now, never giving myself a break and always settling... as of right now i’m veeerrryyy single, and happy to be so, need to get to know myself :)  V: Was in one relationship, went terrible, broke up and single ever since. I'm happy single though so its all good. :) RANDOM STUFF: A: - I’m double jointed! Kinda freaky I know...  - I’m vegetarian, was vegan, but working my way back to it lol - I’ve (well, V and I lol) have moved about 5 times in our lives, we could never really find a place we liked *shrugs*  - I’m heavily into astrology and such. If someone ever wants to talk about manifestation and the cosmos and the power and all that... hmu lol  - I talk waaaaayyyy too fast for my own good. Like some infomercial shit. 

V: I have a great memory for actors and actresses in different films, starting January im going vegan, super into music and fashion so if you want to talk to me about music or fashion hmu, uhhhh I highly have trypophobia get that away from me yikes, and I’m a meme lord . 

We are going to tag...  @punishmedolans @lane-switch-dolan @scuteedolans @e-the-god @grizzlygrayson @rockstardolan @grayson-bailey-dolan-owns-me @g-e-dolan @ethandolxn Some heavy hitters in here, I know... lol, if you’ve been tagged ignore this... or read it... or like idk man let’s be friends hahah 

[transsteves]

do all the vague nsfw asks you wanna do

I’m probably gonna answer all of them lmao I’m bored and into oversharing

1. Are looks important in a relationship?not really. aesthetics? yes. so kinda??? idk. not really, it’s more of an emotional connection, but if ur adorable like thats a plus (but everyone’s adorable)

2. Are relationships ever worth it?I hope so? I really hope so. but I can’t prove it yet.

3. Are you a virgin?technically???? no. consensually, yes.

4. Are you in a relationship?no :/ unless one specific guy asks, and then yes I have a girlfriend I need him off my back

5. Are you in love?I doNT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

6. Are you single this year?yes I’m alone

7. Can you commit to one person?yes??? but I get worried that that person can’t commit to me, esp since I’m so sex repulsed lmao. but I really like being in poly relationships so idm!!

8. Describe your crush????????????? skip

9. Describe your perfect matelmao this sounds like some animalistic shit but ummmmm it’s just… someone who loves and supports me and doesnt falter or hurt me when I get bad, I spose.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?I don’t know? I’ve never had that and eh

11. Do you ever want to get married?maybe? imma leave that as a solid maybe

12. Do you forgive betrayal?id love to say no to keep up my salty aesthetic but like. yes. too much. I forgive literally almost everything

13. Do you get jealous easily?a little.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?why is this question after the describe your crush???? um okay also I don’t understand my emotions so skip

15. Do you have any piercings?yis!!! I have a nose piercing, a lip piercing, two piercings in my left ear, and a stretcher in my right ear! I also have three closed up ear piercings haha

16.Do you have any tattoos?yup! I have a sloth on my right arm and three dots on my left ankle

17. Do you like kissing in public?ok um yes??? but generally in places I feel safe to be doing that like I wouldn’t do it in my hometown probably

there are ??? two numbers missing from the post ??? tf

20. Do you shower every day?haha no what??? u think I have my life together???

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?bitch I don’t understand my own emotions u think I can understand other people’s ok i know one person does but we Do Not Talk About That and he’s not on here

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?I hope not!!! but I kinda also hope so. what is life???

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?yes???

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?ha no probably not

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?yes I’m lonely

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?yeah, in a very manipulative way tho so I don’t trust that

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?no

28. Have you ever been cheated on?yes

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?technically no?? I have been kissed/other things have happened while I’ve been in a relationship and I’ve been vulnerable (high/drunk/etc) but I didn’t reciprocate

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?um yeah take my tits away get fuckin rid of em

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?yes

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?I think so??

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?not consensually

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?not consensually

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?yes

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?yes, bc I thought I was a straight cis girl lmao

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?no

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?yes many many but a lot of them are angry. a couple were nice.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?no

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?forever

43. How long was your longest relationship?um??? 4 years but it was in bits so in a continuous nature 6 months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?OH GOD UM 5??? I think???

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?that was so long ago wtf I was 13/14 um??? I think about 5 but a lot of those were auditions

46. How many times did you have sex last year?none (I think)

47. How old are you?18

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?eh nvm

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?I am alone

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?I want to say no, because they fucked me up a lot, but realistically I would probably take them back

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?most people???

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?yes, and we do not talk about him.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?unfortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.skip.

56. State 8 facts about your body1) I have hypermobility in all my joints which lets me do super cool shit bc I can dislocate/hyperextend everything and freak people out; 2) my nail beds are always bleeding because I bite them; 3) according to my friend Lewis, you can “literally feel [my] ribs through [my] tits what the fuck that’s so wild”; 4) my hips stick out at the front and sometimes when I’m not paying attention I walk into doors and that’s what hits the door first; 5) I have a scar above my left eyebrow because I tripped over a bike in a park when I was three and cracked my head open and it was open to the bone; 6) my hair is ridiculously fucking straight apart from one tiny bit which literally grows in ringlets; 7) I’m always covered in bruises; 8) my wrists click and it makes me happy

57. Things you want to say to an exthere’s too much to write but I’m gonna write a song at some point so

58. What are five ways to win your heart?1) letting me talk about nerdy shit without getting bored; 2) supporting me when I’m down and broken; 3) loving animals and like… being kind to animals; 4) secret talents ???? they make me so happy; 5) being able to shout about exciting things together

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)I’ll reblog one in a sec!

60. What was the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?8 years I think

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone????? um??? physically, probably hair because I avoid looking people in the eye even in photos lmao

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?skip.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?skip.

64. What is your definition of cheating?skip.

65. What is your favorite foreplay routine?YEP SKIP.

66. What is your favorite roleplay?SKIP THIS.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?ummm… it’s autumn and it’s like just starting to get cold and it’s blankets and coats while we’re sat on the riverbank with a laptop and Wi-Fi connection out of somewhere and we’re watching stupid funny movies and drinking coffee and everything is quiet and fine

68. What is your sexual orientation?I’m panromantic asexual!!

69. What turns you off?um, skip

70. What turns you on?in have an answer for this but like skip.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?never had one.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?SKIP.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?idk honestly

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?I don’t??? know??? aesthetic like, the clothes and the hair and stuff I guess

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?skip.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?skip.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?if everyone’s of age and it’s like, age appropriate? I think the rule is like half your age and add seven and the answer is the youngest ???

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?nope. skip.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?I genuinely don’t remember

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?like,,,, half an hour ago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?imma take this as celebs bc I’m not doing people: 1) dodie fckn clark oh god; 2) joe keery; 3) rj cyler; 4) Natalia dyer; 5) Hannah witton

82. Who is the last person you hugged?my mummm

83. Who was your first kiss with?ok honestly this is my fave story bc it was with this guy Stevie and it was legitimately in a fucking audition for a part I didn’t even get and I was still in the closet but the role was for a trans boy (granted, a fairly poorly written trans boy), and ugh

84. Why did your last relationship fail?because I didn’t want to be in the relationship but was guilted into it

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?yeah, I have before lmao

[survivorhogsmeade]

Episode #11 - Finale: I Can Do It. -Elmo

I am SO SAD :( :( :( I can't believe Alex outsmarted me AGAIN, i hope he is the next to go so i can tease him.  I'm really rooting for Anna and Madison to win but all in all it was a really fun game and I'm SO glad I had a chance to be a part of it! <3

I really should have kept my vote Anna, huh?  

SHE BETTER WIN THIS GAME!!  I swear I am SO hurt right now that Alex did that.   I wish Elmo would have tied it so it would have gone to rocks or so it would have scared Alex and Stephen enough to change their vote. I'm sorry for the spam confessionals.

So it all went well, the vote was split Anna-Ruthie, and Ruthie went on the revote. Now Annas angry but I think I can convince her that it wasn’t an attack on her and I do want to take her to the end.

Alex has tried to turn Anna against me but surprise bitch i have receipts (well copy-pastes because we cant use receipts). And now Anna sees that it wasn't me evilly in the corner excluding, it was a joint move.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s144RrJFFXlW

conf from last night I think I forgot to link this here

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0fO7PbJPQLM

https://youtu.be/qjXW6Tfnm9g

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MOOOOOOTTTTTHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRR FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKEEEEERRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1lGDf0PD7vp

im so scared of alex convincing anna and stephen to boot me like he's amazing at talking to people and he definitely could do that and that would mean bye bye Elmo. Hats off to King Alex S <3 I love him to pieces

Me watching the “get out ftc threats” train looking at alex knowing full well it'll be me or anna next in line: https://78.media.tumblr.com/7544457920da87e2b1124d923442a3e3/tumblr_inline_p678uaK13U1sdkexy_500.png

idk if that link worked of if people will even relate to the emotion it expresses but w/e. Anywho Alex is definitely next, things worked out well in that I didn’t have to do any work with except let her know I’m behind her 100% If this all works well and Madison and Elmo dont vote with Alex who is undoubtedly trying to vote me out I can gun for Elmo next. Besides not being able to get Madison and Anna not to vote me out instead of Elmo my biggest concern is a final immunity challenge, where who knows what could happen.

So elmo had a power that let him talk to a jury member, he talked to Olivia and found out me and Ruthie were the biggest threats to win... while yes that makes me feel very happy about my game and i've def proven that i'm a fuckin beast it also sucks bc i kNOW if i didn't win immunity i'd be gone and same with until the rest of this game.... 

obviously i know that i need immunity streaks to get to the end so why would i keep alex s who has beat me almost every time lol Madison Alex is really trying to fool me into not voting for him tonight! Little does he know I DONT CARE ABOUT WINNING!

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1AXOIUHNbBn

Oh my god the tension is killing me. Now that we know theres only one round till ftc everyone feels very on edge, because we are all trying to judge who we should take to the end. It is a risk voting out Anna as its a huge betrayal, and taking the likable elmo is a bit worrying, but i think Anna would win against anyone at ftc now, and she has to go. I guess I just have to hope people can see that while I played loyally for most of the game the last few rounds called for something different.

So i just finished the final immunity challenge and i got 17 minutes.... i think thats pretty good and i know if i lost then im gonna go home BUT regardless, i had so much fun playing this game. it honestly was such a breath of fresh air compared to what im used to in orgs. the hosting was impeccable, the challenges were literally so much fun and i really LOVE this community. thank you for casting me you guys, this is one of the best org experiences i have ever had and i hope to play more with these people in the future.

im just really proud of myself because coming into this game i was like "ok im gonna play different" and i really did. i usually don't hold back and go all out balls out physically and let my social/strategic game fall to the back burner but this game my social was ON POINT. i got to know so many people, was in 2 controlling alliances and just overall fuckin killed it. even if i don't win i know i played a winners game and i can sleep happy with knowing that!!

but i really wanna fuckin win haha

Its almost certainly me or Anna tonight, there are only three very unlikely scenarios that would stop that: Anna wins immunity at its a tie breaker between me and Elmo and I win; Anna wins immunity and votes with me and Madison against Elmo; Anna doesn’t win immunity and wins a tiebreaker against Elmo/Madison. More likely than not it will be Elmo and Madisons choice which of us goes home if neither of us win immunity, but god I hope I do. This may sound overly confident but without Anna there I think I’ll win this game, with Anna I still have a chance but who knows. A tiebreaker would be good for my resume but im not really a challenge beast.

ONE DAY I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL WIN A DAMN INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY!!!! But yeah I’m pissed because not only did I not win immunity but Anna won, so now I have to hope shes either stupid enough to keep me or I somehow win a tie breaker. And as is clear now I suck at challenges

I WON FINAL IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FTC HERE I COME!! I'm so relieved I could CRY

https://vocaroo.com/i/s19CFSgR4obc

https://youtu.be/MuxtX1hPBAk

im about to go to the final tribal council and im beyond nervous. im just hoping that i get my message across and that people really see that i deserve to win this game because I DO. i played the best game hands down and idk i just don't want ppl to vote for who they like the most bc then elmo wins...... we'll see i have so much irl stuff going on i just wanna win lol

So this is it. We’ve done our FTC and it’s all in the jurors hands now. The jurors who all seem to like Elmo a lot more than me, the jurors who have 2 of them as inactives, the jurors who just don’t seem like they are going to vote me to win. To say I’m feeling defeated is an understatement. I personally do believe that I played the best game, sure I pissed some people off but this is Survivor… sometimes the moves I make aren’t gonna make you happy. I went to every tribal council, breaking Athena HISTORY, and only received 3 votes to evict. I voted in the majority every time except once. I won 3 individual immunities. I worked my ass off to win this game and losing is going to be one of the biggest defeats I will have faced since the last time I got second. I just want to win so bad. I’ve worked SO hard and I want to get 1st. I think my FTC was amazing and what I said was great. I was honest, articulate and CONVINCING. I think that if I didn’t get through to the jury and they don’t vote me to win then that’s not on me anymore. At this point it’s either you are voting for someone who annihilated the game and strategically, physically and socially dominated or you’re voting for someone you LIKE. And if you are a juror who votes for your friends or someone who you think is nice then you shouldn’t be playing orgs. You should vote for the person who deserves the win and played the best game. If you don’t do that then what are you doing and why are you playing? This isn’t a game of “Best friends” its a game of SURVIVOR. 

I’m just so irritated and I wanna win so bad and like sure, if I played a bad game and wasn’t deserving I wouldn’t be so upset but I freaking DESERVE THIS. Second will hurt me so bad and I know that’s what I’m going to get.

And that concludes Survivor Athena: Hogsmeade! Thank you all for an amazing season!