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babiebom · 10 months

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Sdv Bachelor/ettes as the Hatchetfield Universe Characters

A/N:STARKID STARKID STARKID I LOVE SO MUCH also another shitpost? in this economy? More likely than you think. I wanted to do ALL Starkid characters but I think that’s too many options and I will be here for fifty years. Also this is a gift because I started work today and will probably not post anything for a hot minute

A/N pt 2: HAHAHA I STARTED WRITING THIS MY FIRST WEEK AND IMMEDIATELY GOT SICK SO IVE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR A WEEK

Tw: maybe some spoilers for both the game and the musicals, cursing, mentions of abuse, murder, and some other stuff

Wc: idk it’s headcanons bb it’s gonna be at least 3 points though

Sdv Masterlist

Sebastian

Ethan Green(Black Friday)

Resident emo/badboy duo

I do think that as a teenager he would run away with someone that he thinks that he’s in love with to give them a better life even if he’s mistaken about how hard it is

Like he just seems like that type of guy

Like he would be the “yeah babe your family sucks let’s get out of here and be on our own” type of guy

I also think that he would be sweet to his partners younger sibling like just because he doesn’t get along with his own doesn’t mean that he hates kids or anything.

Also smokers lmao

Just really fits the vibe of Ethan very well

Guy that looks tough and bad boy-ish on the outside to in reality just be sweet and caring

I could also see Seb in the Ethan outfit :)

Sam

Kyle Clauger (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

While I don’t think Sam is a bully really

I do think that as a teenager he would just go along with what his friends say because he is a sweet boy that just wants to fit in

Doesn’t wanna bully anyone at all just wants to be happy

Is popular but also not the most popular because he’s a golden retriever and isn’t really chasing popularity

Like yeah he wants to fit in but that doesn’t mean he cares about popularity really he just wants to be liked he doesn’t really care if he’s known or not

Kyle is really just a background character and we don’t really see him unless it’s like specific scenes with Max or like the aftermath.

So we don’t really know a lot other than he never really wanted to bully people but wanted to fit in with Max even to the point to where he doesn’t date anyone max tells him he can’t.

I do think that Sam would choose his friends over a significant other unless he actually genuinely loved them so I think he kinda fits this jock that’s not really mean but isn’t really helpful vibe

I would’ve chosen Ethan for Sam but Sam isn’t really a bad boy on the outside if I’m being honest.

Shane

Paul Matthews (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

Mostly because I think it would be funny if he screamed at the top of his lungs for coffee

Also I think he wouldn’t enjoy watching a musical he hates the fact that everyone in them are either so happy or that they’re singing every five seconds

“PLEASE GOD NO”

Would also be horrified at “What do you want Paul”

I would’ve probably chosen Paul for Harvey because of his love for coffee but I don’t think he would be this unhappy about everything

Imagine trying to get him to sign ANYTHING while he’s walking to Joja he will not

Paul is much nicer than Shane at first glance but at the same time I feel like Shane could embody him well.

Like Shane can be Paul but Paul could never be Shane.

Alex

Max Jägerman (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Again I don’t really see him as a bully

But I do think he could’ve been one in high school

Like Sam I think Alex just wants to fit in and be cool (especially because of his life) so as a teenager I could see him being an absolute asshole as a teen

Maybe not to Max’s level but like out of everyone I think he fits Max the most

In the whole star quarterback and liked by the cool pretty girls.

The reason they win their games

Also in the whole no one really understands them

Like I know Max is horrible he’s a LITERAL MONSTER

But like when the main characters try to bully him he literally is like “this is the nicest thing anyone has done for me”

Like yeah he’s a bully and we can see that and they didn’t really flesh out that plot line it seemed like Max didn’t really have people in his life that genuinely cared about him to set anything up for him or do things for him other than be yes men which isn’t really caring at all

I feel like Alex would be similar in that he doesn’t really have friends (Haley doesn’t really count for me because I feel like she’s using him as means to an end. As if she sees him as who she’s supposed to end up with because of their looks instead of actually caring for him)

Only people who either tell him what he wants to hear without truly caring or understanding (except for his grandparents)

Alex too would be happy if someone decided to go through the trouble of making an elaborate prank for him.

Harvey

Becky Barnes(Black Friday)

Him and Maru were the most difficult for me but ultimately I settled on him being Becky

Mostly because he’s a doctor and I’m pretty sure she’s a nurse

But also because I also think Harvey is brave enough to go through an abusive relationship and come out of it still wanting to help the world

Also because I also think he would kill an abusive asshole bc he’s hot like that

I think they would have the same values like everyone matters and just because you have money or a greater status doesn’t mean you can take advantage of people or act like an asshole

I also think it would take an ancient god to make him become a man without morals

Elliott

Professor Hidgens (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

CAN YOU SEE THIS LIKE I DO

Both are men of the arts and it’s funny

Also writing and music are very similar/ writing a musical is literally just writing a story and adding music to it so when I say it’s similar I mean it’s SIMILAR

I could see Elliott going insane and holding people hostage like “DO YOU WANNA READ MY NEW STORY?? PLEASE READ IT AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!!”

I could literally see Elliott taking this role and killing it

Like it’s not a lot to say because I think it’s very obvious

Also they both have that air of like…..pretentiousness?

Not in a bad way at all it just like…..they seem to give off the aura of having money

I think I feel like this because it’s like they have the freedom to write and go into the arts even though Hidgens is a professor I believe

It’s just they give off the air of feeling or being better than you but not in a way that is like their doing maybe

Idk if y’all can understand what I’m trying to say? Like they don’t act like they’re better than you it’s just their vibes

Abigail

Stephanie Lauter(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

I wanted her to be “Latte Hottie” from TGWDLM(I forgot her name for now ignore it) but she doesn’t really give those vibes when you think about it

I feel like Steph and Abigail are VERY similar

They both seem like in school they’re cool but in different ways but they both have similar vibes

I think Stephanie is more grunge or skater(forgive me I don’t know clothing genres)

And Abby is more gothic but like I think they’re v similar

Like they aren’t in charge but people know them and even if they dislike them no one is fucking with them at all

Also the way their fathers are

I feel like Pierre would be VERY similar to Steph’s father

Like claims they love their child but beat them down with their words

Like imagine if Pierre was running for Mayor or something like

You already know he would be the biggest asshole

Would also fall in love with a person she doesn’t really match with on outer appearance on first look

Haley

Emma Perkins (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

I think it would be funny to put Haley in this role

Like they’re both bitches but are funny/attractive to the point where it’s fine

And it’s a bitchiness that isn’t from meanness it’s literally just them being blunt

Like there is no lie about what they’re saying it’s just a rude thing to say lmao

Would be annoyed if she was working and was forced to sing for every tip

Would curse and be sarcastic to annoying people without caring and somehow manages to not be fired

Only difference is that I think that Haley wouldn’t half ass ‘Cup of Roasted Coffee’ because I thinks she wants to look good

Would tell Professor Hidgens to fuck off that she doesn’t want to hear about his musical

Emily

Hannah Foster(Black Friday)

I think in my mind(I have not watched Black Friday since the first time I saw it and it’s been a while) that Hannah knew more than the others

Like I remember while watching it that they didn’t take her as serious as they acted more like they listened to her in a “yeah okay grandpa take your meds” kind of way

When in reality she was connected and seeing things that they wouldn’t be able to understand

I think Emily is similar or fits the vibe where she understands things in a different way than the others

And they just see it as her being weird when in reality she’s just connected to the world in a deeper way.

Even though Emily is the older sibling I think she just fits this role where she could feel what is going to happen from the beginning

Leah

Lex Foster(Black Friday)

I know this looks like I ship her and Seb but I don’t

Her moms a bitch, an alcoholic

Jkjk (that’s penny)

BUT!!! I think Leah fits the whole “run away to escape my problems and follow my dreams” sort of thing

Like she literally broke off an engagement(or relationship at least) and left everything behind to move to a town in the middle of nowhere in order to follow her dreams

Literally just wants the best for herself and if she had a sibling I think she would want the best too

I also think she’s a dreamer. Like you don’t run off to become an artist without having big dreams and aspirations.

Penny

Grace Chasity(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Argue with a wall I’m right

I see her as like a goody two shoes that puts her beliefs above anything and really wants to make her family proud

Like I could see her being deeply religious

And honestly if Pam wasn’t an alcoholic and her father was still around I think they would be similar to the chastity’s just not as bad

Like obviously holding someone’s books isn’t equivalent to sex or whatever they believe but I do think they would’ve raised her to be a good Christian gal that should wait until marriage

Also because Penny sticks around for her mother and to teach the kids gives me those vibes

Would also go crazy like absolutely bonkers this woman is

Maru

Ruth Fleming(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Mostly because I think it’s funny

And because I couldn’t figure out who she would be so she gets to be Ruth

Also I think they’re both socially awkward

Ruth is just an awkward person

And I think that Maru is just socially unaware

Also I think that Maru would be the friend that’s like “can y’all set me up with someone?”

And everyone would be like “lmao no”

JUST FOR ONCEEEEEEEE

also Maru probably never fucks because Demetrius is always on her ass

Ruth never fucks bc she’s unfuckable

Honestly the same thing no one wants to have sex with the girl who’s dad will barge in without announcement or care

Like he legit wanted to catch her in the act to yell

Like why would you walk in if you think she’s getting railed and not like slam your fists on the door if you wanna stop them

N e ways

They’re the same bc they’re nerds <3

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sonikkublue · 1 year

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Sorry if I’m spamming your au itches my brain so much so I’m just gonna put a few questions into one ask!

How would Mr H react if someone like killed tails or at least seriously hurt him to the point he was unconscious? (I wanna do an angsty drawing of them so bad)

What is team chaotix doing in this au? Are they working with knuckles or something? Like if knuckles is a private detective they work other smaller cases as a team while knuckles takes on bigger ones ect.

What’s eggmans deal in this au? Like is he like a rival Mafia Boss or something who’s trying to take him down?

Do Blaze and silver exist in this au? cause the whole being from the future and an alternate dimension thing, or are they just regular people in the same dimension instead?

Do like tails parents know that he’s been taken in my a mafia boss or do they not know and don’t care? Even if they did I doubt sonic would let them take his son

In that one comic where Mr H gets tails to shoot the guy their interrogating is that the first time tails shot someone or did it happen before? And when did Mr H decide that his son needed to know how to shoot someone?

Is tails just desensitised to violence after being surrounded by it for so long or is he a little nervous around violent things/people?

Sorry for the spam I’m just rly curious about this au cause I love it sm, your AU is really cool and so is your art!! Keep up the amazing work man cause I genuinely adore what you do!

Hey dw!! I love answering ppls questions, especially urs!! No need to apologize👍 I rly appreciate ur love for my au, it rly does make me happy!! tyvm!!!

Now let's see...

That, I want ppl to see thru illustration. I have better experience showing ppl than explaining it to them hehe but go wild with what you see happening!! I would love to see what u come up with >:)

Actually I've been thinkin abt that tbh. I have a couple ideas, but idk who I can approve of them with since it's just me workin on this LMAO I'll come to a conclusion at some point >:) But for now, let's just say that that Chaotix are like Knuckles' deputies to the sheriff- but Knuckles mostly takes bigger cases, and cases itself alone... meanwhile the Chaotix takes smaller ones

Yes, Robotnik is in fact a rival to Mr. H!! thru business tho, nothing more. Eggman goes by "Robotnik" in this au (thinking of changing his name cuz who knows) but Eggman is used as a little insult from Mr. H, but "Eggman" isn't taken in by Robotnik, since he wants to be respected

I've been thinkin abt something for Blaze, but idk abt Silver tho. I haven't been doin much thinkin on them tbh

I've already settled with a plan for Tails' parents, so you'll have to wait and see >:)

I actually don't wanna consider that one 'canon' more like a shitpost sort of thing- but then again I can use that as an excuse for Mr. H teaching his son how to use a weapon for protection, by letting him shoot his debtors by using them as dummies LMAO

Mr. H actually keeps Tails away from violence and stuff. Cuz if it's one thing that Mr. H wants for his kid, is a childhood. He knows that littlest things of violence, or wrong choice of words can stick with a child, and form as a way of mental/verbal trauma. So Mr. H tries his best to keep his son away from that stuff. Mr. H actually covers this said violent stuff up, by explaining it in a much more 'friendly' way, and silly too. Makin it fun for the kid, yaknow?

Also tysm, i rly appreciate ur love for my au!! Again, no need to apologize!! I love getting and answering questions, and if u have anymore, just lemme know!!👍

#mafia!sonic au

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cozymochi · 10 months

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im so sorry people are being assholes in the comments of ur iz animatics :((( they bring such joy and are so well done!! forever grateful that you share you art <3 even if you decide to take them down i just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated <3<3<3 hoping your day goes well and you find small unexpected delights

I don’t plan on taking them down. That carnal part of me gets a lil’ joy when I still see nice comments anyway. It’s only been a year, but I still get comments! So that’s crazy.

BUT!!

Another fear I do have is the response if I do post again, and it’s completely different than what those 2.4k subs are expecting to see. I’ve already warned about it literally a year in advance, and then again very recently in multiple places. Idk why I SHOULD be uneased by it, but it’s not like IZ fans are quiet when it comes to their distaste when something changes. *cough.* It’s part of why I’ve distanced myself from that fandom (there’s a myriad of reasons but still).

Insanity incoming:

I don’t have immediate plans to make more animatics, they’re kind of long term thing to consider. Back when I used to make them I had NOTHING but free time and my biggest concern was feeding myself cuz my home environment was horrid and I had zero means of leaving since I lived in bum fuck nowhere! Since my last yt upload I moved out, was in a car wreck (not even 2 days in), my own car went through thousands of dollars in repairs, i got a job, went through a period where I worked nearly 100hrs for several months consecutively with hardly any breaks, and to think! It wasn’t and it’s still not sustainable. Things changed. And I do not want to go “home.” After being forced to visit family again a month ago I especially don’t want to go back.

The channel was literally a dumping ground. I got those 2k subs when I wasn’t posting for a year. So! You can imagine I might not be prioritizing a channel I only used as a dumping ground or in a state to make fully or even barely boarded videos and shitposts weekly or monthly. Idk what these people want from me schedule wise. I make $0 from it, and monetizing for a few cents isn’t worth it. I didn’t even get paid when I made thumbnails and assets for bigger channels lmfao. Yeah, I did do that. Wouldn’t know tho. Paid in “exposure” hurr hurr or “omg i need that money myself XDD cmon” whatever backwards excuse.

So what’s next in line but a bunch of strangers with fickle attention being passive aggressive and demanding I make more stuff when I say multiple times that I don’t intend to, and if I do (big if) it WON’T be what they came here for. They aren’t paying me. It’s not like I have a gajillion other things to be concerned about.

…Okay, that was a tangent.

Those few condescending comments make me just wanna outright cancel what iz stuff was left on the backburner. It was more like an indefinite hiatus until I can stomach finishing them. The files take up space anyway for the projects I’m actually interested in. Even if all of them are purely hypotheticals until I can get my focus together (which isn’t likely to happen anytime soon).

sorry about the TMI rant for a second but!! MAN!! It’s frustrating! If anything I could very well take them down. But, I won’t. Besides, for all I know some tiktok took some and it’s getting an exponentially higher amount of views anyway. I should at least keep mine…

It’s not like i don’t WANT to use it for actual new things, but the sheer pressure keeps me away. I get enough pressure to make animatics offline as it is. And if someone out there is gonna be all like “well who cares what those kids think” believe me, I get it and I promise don’t care. But at the same time it’s egghhhhhh. I delete the comments anyway.… however that doesn’t mean they still won’t bug me.

Considering all of the above it’s a miracle I don’t just take them down.

#cozy ask #Any of the condescending comments I just delete anyway.#i dont have the chops to be a ‘content creator’ or whatever robotic term people use nowadays #im not a content creator!#i just make shit then pin it on the fridge #i promise the annoying remarks are few and far between. its mostly just quoting the video or nice stuff #I dont even read them often. i just check if im bored or on accident

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daeva-agas · 2 years

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I’m in tears

I don’t know if I just read the blog wrong, or if the blogger narrated the story wrong, but I was given the impression that when Sansuke pardoned two pages for “ulterior motives”, Sanshichi was like “Oh are you for fcking real” in a pissed off manner.

He actually wasn’t mad in the original text, he was laughing. Even if he thought it was dumb, I guess he thought it was dumb in an amusing/affectionate way.

Also apparently there was rebels from Sansuke’s half of the province that tried to run and hide at Sanshichi’s place. He caught them and sent them back to his brother, who executed them.

I mean, since he seemed pretty chill about that dumbass moment I guess they don’t dislike each other, but then what the hell is up with Shizugatake.

I’m gonna just insist on my dumb “Hello this is Bob my new kagemusha” headcanon, where they faked Sanshichi’s death and just deadpan-lied to Hideyoshi’s face. It’s like the Tenkai conspiracy theory but stupider.

Speaking of Tenkai, I also have a shitpost headcanon that Sanshichi IS Tenkai. But I’ve thought up of a new shitpost conspiracy: What if they trade places, and the one who later becomes Joushin is actually Sanshichi. Tenkai is the original one LMAO, who yeeted much earlier because he can’t be assed to rule anything.

Why “Tenkai” (written with Sky/Heaven and Sea)?

“And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault (the sea) from the water above it. And it was so. God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.”

(the two idiot spawns hang out with Catholic priests pretty often so IDK, this is just shitpost)

Also now that I know the three idiot hellspawns DO hangout occasionally, I wonder about the weird signature thing again. Did one of them really occasionally sign off letters for his brothers, or do they all just happen to have the same “writing tic”?

#sengoku shitpost #sengoku headcanon #ignore me I'm just shitposting #nobuspawns

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laurapalmerssecretblog · 2 months

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Okay so honestly I’m kinda needing to use this blog as a distorted journal of sorts because I’m really frustrated in my personal life right now and I could just use a fucking vent. Somewhere to blow steam. And tgirlsaintlawrence is too big to be doing that anymore. That fucking post about house parties that I thought would get two likes is now circulating through hetalia fandoms. Christ. Oh and that’s the other thing: tgirlsaintlawrence. I backed myself into a corner there in that cool ass name. It was part of the last chapter of a born-again Christian phase I’m just kind of getting out of. I still believe in Christ but the ecstasy of salvation has mellowed. I feel kind of limited as a shitposter if I want to have a religious figure in my name because I do respect Saint Lawrence and find him to be a really good way to view the Christian Life. He also helps out at work when I ask him for support so I owe him. I think tgirlsaintlawrence is gonna become more of an artistic thing rather than just comedic. Like I’ve been thinking about posting some original music on here just to see what kind of reaction I get. Maybe get some drawings thrown up. Despite not believing in myself I think it would be nice to have a decent career in art. Maybe create a character out of my own life and the idea of tgirlsaintlawrence and start doing comics. Might be fun. Idk well see

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totallyofficialtacobell · 6 months

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heyo i'm here to collect your info for the website! all are optional :3

Any names you use

Any corpverse relatives

Affiliation in the corp/gimmickverse (Such as browsers)

Occupation (Such as shitposter)

Your character's date of birth

Your character's place of birth

Your character's species

Character's Gender

Character's Height

Any major events within the corpversepersonalityappearanceany other lore

Any photos you'd like on your page! these r superhelpful for breaking text up

-@the-corporation-information-blog (@unity-real mod)

Ok I’m gonna try to organize by bullet so bear with me

Taco bell

homeless and up for adoption (someone please be related to me please)

Idk what this means but I think I was on th ikea side when there was a war that one time

Shitposting is a hobby, Taco Bell works at Taco Bell because I’m not creative and I think they’re a pretty on the nose kinda person

September 28th (same as me because once again I’m not creative)

New Mexico because I have no clue where Taco Bell was founded but New Mexico sounds about right

human (subject to change)

He/they pronouns

I’m gonna stick a full physical description on this one because I can’t draw. Short, (5’4” ish), black hair, bit of a beard but not much. Disgruntled little guy who can pretty much only be found working the window at Taco Bell and being relatively bored at all times. Very friendly though, and loves to talk to people who are interested in talking to them.

I think I mentioned the ikea war where I sided with ikea, umm I don’t have much lore but I’m working on building some. He’s bisexual and since he has no relatives or confirmed relationships in the corpverse I guess he’s a sibling-less single orphan with no friends and no family so that would be lore I suppose, he loves Baja blast it’s their favorite flavor of everything and he offers Baja blast to people in order to befriend them on occasion. An awkward little guy, but if you go out of your way to talk to him he’ll love you forever

#gimmick blog #baja blasted #Website I guess #I still don’t know what this website is

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babyjakes · 2 years

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Who cares if it’s in January or not??? You said you’re making more things can’t they just be happy???Usually it’s “When are you writing again?” “Why hasn’t there been a new fic in…” etc… like gosh either way people are so miserable

While I will admit I check your blog daily to make sure I haven’t missed anything (post notifs don’t always get to me,stupid phone☹️) because you’re just that good, people need to just chill out. You get to put out your work on your time and create what you want. Because it’s your blog. I can’t believe people still don’t get this concept. Anyways sorry I get disproportionately mad when people send other people hate, and I rant…

Also the nonnie about the mental health thing?? DAMN people really have no issue being a straight up d!ck

Love your blog and you’re so talented and idk what else to say other than those b!t he’s sick and I’m sorry writers get all this shit. Here’s a virtual hug to make it all better 😂

hey friend, thanks for this sweet ask 💖 yes!!! who cares if it’s january— are people really gonna complain about getting kinktober stuff??? it’s usually “more more more” but now i’m trying to finish something up on a timeline that works for me and suddenly it’s “why are you still doing that” like i can’t win 😭 friend i hope you follow @comfortcaplibrary for post notifs haha, that way you don’t have to get spammed by all my shitposting 🌝 seriously, all the hate was so yucky and sad to see. especially about mental health. like come on guys 😩 thanks again for your patience and kindness friend, hugs coming your way!! 💖💕

#eun replies

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newvision · 2 years

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Psychology side of tumblr what’s it mean when you experience a lot of painful things that change your life and suddenly you know how to switch off negative emotions

#this is not a shitpost I’m actually asking #haven’t cried in weeks except for at the Mitski concert but I just feel so numb???#i just get up in the morning and go to work and feel slightly exhausted when I come home and then I read my silly little books and that’s it #i used to listen to my favourite albums and cry in the shower but now I just sit down and do nothing #so my dad left right?? thought I’d be devastated and cry every time I leave his new flat but I don’t. i just get on my bike and go to bed #idk how to properly explain it but it’s like I’m half robot when I need to be #it’s much more bearable than before but I miss being so excited about something (usually the Beatles) that I would cry #or not even cry just feel it properly #anyway I’m off to therapy now gonna ask bestie mind doctor to fix me <333 #oversharing on the internet once again #emmys thoughts

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laurelier · 3 years

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HS x The Little Mermaid: Harriel? Arielrry?? Either way we're all a little bit gay aren’t we.

OR: my humble contribution to the mermaidrry spiral. Get outta here and go read @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk birth of harry mermaidy analysis if you actually want to learn something today, that shit's genius boss level connections all over the place. Keep reading this wordvom if you wanna just like. Feel a little bit weird about The Little Mermaid with me for a hot minute? Idk man I'm just spouting crap about water in my corner again that's all I do.

Anyway the thing you gotta know before you read this post is. I love the OG 2D animated Disney princess movies. I love em. I do. I really do and I really hate to admit it, it is really not easy for me to be outing myself like this right now, but I do, I love them, with my wholass heart I’m such a big fan. I think they’re beautiful in a lot a lot a lot of ways and I find them really fascinating as, like, pop culture mainstays, leave me alone, I just, The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid, friends. I am here today to soliloquize to you about the gospel of The Little Mermaid in the context of Harry Styles if you can spare a few moments of your time.

The Little Mermaid is one of the original princess narratives that really actually—I go hard for this take—stands up well to cultural critique. Personally I think some of the others do also, but this one? Watching this 15 or so years after I’d first seen it and then reading up on it…… spending far too much time, actually, reading up on it……… as I did a few months ago when I regressed back into my Disney princess hole, man, wow. My little brain was blown open about 150 different ways.

x, LOOK at that animation are you JOKING

How this post came about is a tale as old as time at this point: I asked the aforementioned beautiful Ella @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk about their reaction to Harry’s perfect FL trans-flag-colors outfit moment that absolutely turned me into a ball of just hnnnnngngngngnngng fetal position in the corner god that look made me so emotional and in their (fantastic as always) response, link here, they brought up those Harriel pics from SNL and also hi bb Ariel down there in the corner, and just. Their answer to that ask had a big time ripple effect and we all freaked the fuck out about mermaids and I don't know bro, just have one more tangent about The Little Mermaid and mermaiding and Harry and Harrymermaiding and water waterwaterwater. But do be sure to read Ella’s first. Also have this shitpost?

Light of my life harriel. Art by the magnificent @swimmingleo .

Under the cut: today we’re talking transformation and voicelessness and deals with the (kind of) devil, we’re talking appearances and self-knowledge and slivers of hope, we’re talking siren calls, we’re talking when you know you know, we’re sonar mapping the unexplored ocean floors of the self. Clearly there’s gonna be plenty of melodrama to go around so strap on your mermaid tails, let’s dive undaaathaaseeeeeaaa. (Again.)

“Silence itself—the things one declines to say, or is forbidden to name, the discretion that is required between different speakers—is less the absolute limit of discourse, the other side from which it is separated by a strict boundary, than an element that functions alongside the things said, with them and in relation to them.... There is not one but many silences, and they are an integral part of the strategies that underlie and permeate discourses.” - Foucault, The History of Sexuality

Nice to meet u mermaidrry

When asked in 2014 why he got his mermaid tattoo, Harry E. Styles reportedly gave a very simple reply: “I am a mermaid.” Which…... is one of my favorite things he’s ever said. Especially because Ella’s post has been circulating for a while now, I doubt I have to inform anyone reading this of how linked the symbol of the mermaid often is with experiences of gender diversity and gender queerness—the mermaid as a symbol especially important to many trans women, not least because she’s so heavily associated with transformation. Ariel herself, and Hans Christian Andersen’s original little mermaid before her, have both played a hand (fin?) in the development of this lovely, lovely, very nuanced link.

I’m not really going to get too in the weeds now, though, about the mermaid as a big time symbol of a transgender experience, because I’m here to talk about The Little Mermaid specifically, and Harry. And before I get into it: I’m hopeful that the fact that I’m seeing a whole lot of really really beautiful gender stuff here doesn’t read as me making assumptions about Harry’s motives or identity that I can’t and shouldn’t make—though that’s also certainly not meant to invalidate him or assume, either, that he couldn’t be purposely engaging with gender when he refs mermaids—I’m just. We gotta remember we don’t know, I don’t know, none of us will probably ever know what exactly he means and when he means it and how, and all I’m doing here is using H and Ariel and mermaids to explore a very queer little bubble that I find really captivating. Not speaking for, never speaking for; speaking about, seeing through, and also just. Standing in awe of. H, and all that he creates around him.

WHEw wee. All that out of the way……...

Harry and watery shit

……….let’s start by talking (yet again) about the fact that Harry is always drenched in water. Babymermaid is literally so wet all of the time. This is not a new idea, of course, he’s been waving this one in our faces for so many years now, but I want to highlight a few favorite examples that I think show especially well how closely interlinked H being wet/referencing water seems to be with self-exploration.

Ella, once again, has a more comprehensive list of times Harry was wet in their post, and all of these are also mentioned there. This is my personal watery Harrymermaid highlight reel, though, and there are some things that come up here that are going to be relevant later, so we’re gonna rehash this for a second. K roll the tape.

First, the HS1 album photoshoot. Just….. All of it. This was one of the first big visual impressions we got of Harry as a solo artist and—water. Everywhere. The water, right, is also opaque and pink in a lot of this—so let me just take this opportunity to float the rainbow water theory again: if being in water equals being one’s full self in H world, with all the simultaneous pain and relief of that, then I wonder if rainbow or pink/contaminated water doesn't equal difficulty accessing that real, complex person, buried underneath onion layers of shame and repression and time—and, because it’s pretty too, if it’s not also a representation of the beauty of the efforts that we make to access our deepest selves despite all that might hold us back beautiful war connection opportunity here cry cry cry bc pink water is associated with waste runoff from battles and war. Pair all that with the way so many of us read the album’s content and idk man even I almost believe myself here.

These colors......... bury me in them.

Second, Fine Line era—first up is the Lights Up music video. In this one, there’s obviously the shot of him in the FL silhouette of big pants unbuttoned shirt suspenders just like. Staring into the mirror soaking wet. And the one of him looking down at us in the water with the sun coming over his shoulder.

But, real quick, I wanna talk about those red shots where he’s kind of mirrored, looking down from above at himself floating submerged. Eerie, strange, fragmented: an H in a beautiful suit suspended and frozen above a vulnerable-looking H floating in water; H staring down at this other self that appears to be him, too, but a little bit different, significantly different, staring back up at him. And a shadow between them that serves as a dividing (fine?) line: his own shadow, reflected on the water exactly halfway between them. Jesus there’s so much in this damn frame. There are a lot of Harrys here. All of them quite wet.

Earlier, H in darker clothes, floating prone and vulnerable in the water.

Then, third, a pairing I love, two of my favorite songs from Fine Line—though really I could say that about any of the songs on that album ffs—She and Adore You. In She, right, we've got the famous he takes a boat out, imagines just sailing away / away, away / without telling his mates; / he wouldn’t know what to say, right, and then in the Adore You mv, almost immediately after letting the fish swim free, the peculiar boy does………. exactly that? He takes a boat out, the sails filled by his screams of anguish from earlier at not being seen or understood by the other townspeople, which he trapped in jars (hgngng that part always makes me so soft).

I mean. This parallel lays my ass out. He said like lemme just drop these dam kids off at school right quick byeeeeeee honey have a great day and then I’m about to go solo deep sea fishing for my soul.

And at the very, very, very end of this treasure of a music video, we get the frame above, where we can see just the hint of a friendly-looking little sea creature jumping in and out of the waves. My guess? Really, who could that be but the fish—so lemme just get real Frankenstein here for a sec and suggest that the boy and the fish represent a kind of split-in-half mermaid, a whole self in parts: if the image of the half-fish half-human mermaid stands in for the unification of the self, the transformation into and the realization of the real self, well, then. This boy is setting off in search of himself in his boat, and this other part of him that, when they’re together, allows him to feel understood, feel real—this mermaidy part (literally a fish??? please???) is visible just there almost at the horizon; like, the boy is casting out onto the ocean in pursuit of self-discovery, after having set free a part of himself that needed more room to grow? Almost like he’s following that part toward himself, like it’s guiding and guarding him as he searches.

So yes @thestylinsons I think you're 100% right and Adore You is a mermaid song. Ugh I love the tiny fish. Tiny half of a mermaid half of a self fish. I love u tiny fish baby.

TLDR: Harry really is one heavy-handed mf with the symbolism.

The most beautiful singer in all the sea

What we have here, then, is H plus a hell of a lot of water and notably a maybe-mermaid half-boy-half-fish moment and selves wet and split in half all over the goddam carpet and all that comes together and we end up with a whole ocean's worth of self-exploration. And another well-known mermaid who does quite a bit of the same is sweet fiery Ariel herself—whose story, looked at a certain way, revolves almost entirely around her self-transformation.

I want to take a second and talk about the little mermaid’s voice, because it’s such an important part of her character and, well, we’re also talking about Harry Styles here, so. In the original version of The Little Mermaid as well as in the majority of subsequent adaptations, the mermaid/Ariel, of course, is in possession of the most beautiful voice anyone has ever heard, and yeah, well—hi, Harry. Yeah hey buddy we see you there. Said not to brag or anything but.

Because my brain needs very clear bullet points to keep track of things, before we go there, we have:

H identifying himself with the symbol of the mermaid in more than one way—tattoo, “I am a mermaid”, on and on—and also—

H working aquatic and/or oceanic elements all throughout his music and accompanying visuals, paired often with—

Themes of exploring/developing the self, or the self being split in half, having distinct parts even though it’s one whole; the self breaking apart or fragmenting.

We also have the idea of the mermaid being linked heavily with queer/transgender experiences of self-inquiry and transformation.

With all this as context, I think it’s important to talk about the fact that one of the more polarizing things about the mermaid as a symbol has to do with that gorgeous voice she almost always has: the whole ~siren call~* deal, the whole—ohhhh help me I’m a helpless man and this mermaid’s voice is so beautiful that I’m gonna literally throw myself into the sea and drown myself for it and then I’m gonna blame her for the fact that I died because I was being a horny idiot, bad scary evil feminine mystique mermaid—the sexist deeply harmful wicked-woman-seduced-me shtick that’s been weaponized against women and femmes for as long as the idea of the mermaid—or just of the capital-W Woman, really—has been around. And though I won’t go too into it here because I don’t want to describe something that’s already so painful in too gratuitous detail, it’s been well documented that this notion has particularly and especially violent consequences for trans women specifically.

Despite these negative connotations, though, I think there’s still a lot here that’s really valuable, really beautiful, and really queer. A siren call is something that draws you in irresistibly, right, something you can’t ignore no matter how hard you try—and there’s a lot more to that than just Woman’s manipulation/destruction of Man, especially if we’re doing a queer reading. Like. If you think about things that pull you in, things you can’t turn your back on, things you encounter and have to follow, things that deeply speak to you—then, I don’t know, I’d think the mermaid’s beautiful voice or siren call would really only be frightening, would only feel dangerous enough to require demonization, were it heard with the ears of a Man (capital M, meaning The Man, repressive heteronormative antihuman patriarchy, etc) who didn't or couldn't understand it, or whose existence was at odds with it. What is said by a voice that something in you recognizes as true—and how it’s said, and what it does to you, how it pulls on you—that’s only threatening if you’ve been trying to silence the part of you that has the ability to hear and respond to that voice, or if you’re afraid to give in to what it’s asking you to do; only if you’ve been somehow convinced, for some reason (like the way that the world force-feeds us homophobia and transphobia), that the natural place to which the voice draws you is somewhere you should not go, or will harm you. I read the mermaid’s siren call as another confirmation of her queerness: this voice, this current, that slowly and with such certainty calls you toward some new way of being, surrounded in water at the bottom of the sea. When you know, you know.

I was listening to Fine Line while writing the first draft of this, after watching Harry sing it so beautifully in that beautiful pink and blue—and I had a little half-baked thought that the voice that goes ~weeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooo~ at the beginning and end of that song—I don’t know, I just was in this mermaid brainspace and I thought it sounded a little like a siren call? So you can imagine the volume of the squeeeeeeeee screech sound I made out of my stupid mouth when I saw that Ella also heard this.

Like, I don’t know. Maybe the end of Fine Line is just an ooooo and we’ve both just got mermaids on the mind, but whatever that angelic descant is meant to evoke, I do know that now I’m going to think about this anytime I hear it: an echo of H, of me, of H’s audience, being called toward ourselves. This beautiful song about being a fine line between; about things that we’ll never know, testing patience, thoughts going to devotion sunshine temptress her; about we’ll be all right, all that emotion in his voice—framed at the beginning and end by this lovely unearthly cry, I just. It sounds like a siren to me. Trying to get me to listen—to H, to myself.

Tagging @swimmingleo’s recent She/Only Angel/Great Gig in the Sky post here too, where we sorta kinda maybe have another kind of like. Siren song thing happening, but Pink Floyd universe? Some beautiful wordless singing and some screaming and more than a few allusions to death (which, in this mermaid siren song context, would be connected with queer rebirth) and transformation read alongside a couple of H’s suspiciously gender-y songs—.

And a beaaaaaauuutiful recent mermaidy moodboard by @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk apparently I’m trying for a record for how many times I can mention you in one of these longass essays

Gay silence gif

When you clicked “Keep reading” above just a few minutes ago, you did unfortunately sign up to read a post that’s half about The Little Mermaid, so amidst all this, we do have to talk about the big elephant taking a splash bath in the proverbial ocean here: in both the original and the Disney versions of TLM, the little mermaid’s claim to fame is that she willingly gives up her ability to sing, to make a siren call. And it’s because she hears a call of her own: the idea of being human, of finding love; a need to belong, to understand herself, to be with those like her. In the movie, Ariel sees Eric and she just. She knows. The fact remains, though, that in order to do what her deepest self is asking of her, Ariel has to give up her voice. I don’t think the weight of that has been lost on anyone who’s ever seen the movie.

I don’t know. Just—that oh my god moment A has when she sees E on the boat? It’s always felt to me (and to many others) like it holds a lot more significance than just, like, silly teenage Ariel falling in love at first sight. Obviously A is romantically interested in E, but there’s also so much identification in the moment when she first sees him, like—wow wow wow he’s so beautiful I want to be like that, I am that, that’s me. I’m not just fascinated with humans from afar anymore; seeing this actual specific human and how beautiful he is has made me realize that I need to be a human myself. I favor reading this moment as much more about Ariel’s self-discovery (read: gender) than a romantic desire for Eric. And this is reflected in the original fable as well, almost even more: the little mermaid there spends a lot of time thinking about how, if she becomes a human, she will have a chance to gain an immortal soul. Her decision to become human no matter the danger or the cost is about her own self, and the way she wants to exist in the world.

And—*overshare sirens*—this feeling of Ariel’s here, this oh shit, that should be me— to be just entirely too frank with you all, I like to imagine it’s not dissimilar to the way I personally feel when I look at Harry wearing clothes I wish I could wear in a way I wish I could wear them. The way he appears in his own self being the way I’d live in mine, if I could choose. Which sometimes I feel is me projecting to uncomfortable heights but—it’s just. It’s so powerful to see someone who, for you, for so many reasons, embodies a possibility you didn’t know existed before, a choice you didn’t know you could make.

The little mermaid is often decried as a regressive antifeminist figure for the fact that (as she reaches for what’s usually read as love/infatuation but what can be seen as something more like authenticity) she gives up her voice, of all things, to be with the prince/Eric—the main way that she is able to express herself and make herself known. But, god, if you look at it through a transgender lens, having her do that is brilliant. It’s less Ariel not valuing herself or her ability to speak and more—the little mermaid going into her transformation fully understanding that she might not be understood by the society she’s trying so hard to enter, that she needs to enter because she belongs there, it’s who she is; it’s more Ariel identifying with Eric and knowing she should be with him, knowing she should be embraced and accepted by humans, but also knowing this will be extremely difficult, because human society is cruel and transphobic, to the point that entrance into it requires the literal loss of her voice; it’s that the price she will be made to pay for what she is doing is heartrendingly, unfairly high, but her need to be true to herself is even higher. Seen this way, the problem—or the tragedy—lies less with Ariel’s choice to give up her ability to speak, and more with the fact that the humans can’t hear her.

Here’s where I start to be one of those people who says that Disney is, like, really deep actually

It’s not difficult at all to link all that to the silencing and closeting of queer people, the way the world limits and shames queer expression. Which, then, creates the necessity of hiding. Queercoding. Talking by not talking. Saying by not saying. Admission of queerness becomes a matter of omission and demonstration; queer silence begins to say a whole hell of a lot.

And you know who actually knows a shitload about this—about how to navigate an uncomprehending prejudiced world, in queer silence—in the movie version? Ursula. Ursula, the outcast sister of king big man of the entire ocean Triton, who, sure, she’s the villain, she steals Ariel’s voice and almost kills her yes ok but also—Ursula is the one who teaches Ariel how to perform her (human) gender, right before her transformation. She prepares her. She tells Ariel that, you know what, actually, speaking isn’t all that important, being seen as desirable to your ~princey poo is really all about body language, signaling. It’s all in how you perform your femininity. Give ‘em what they want, girl. Gender is performance. Thank you Ursula slash Judith Butler slash Divine, legendary drag queen Divine, on whom Ursula’s character was based, yes I shit myself when I learned that one. And—performance: god what a loaded and multifaceted term that would appear to be for someone like Harry.

Just, like. This animated octopus lady is so damn powerful to me bitch. If you look at Ursula’s character in a certain light, she’s literally—literally she is telling Ariel: you can’t use the voice that allows you to communicate with heteronormative society to become known. It won’t work. You won’t be able to prove yourself to them on their terms. But there’s a different way—many, as a matter of fact, and finding them where they are, outside the bounds of how you’ve been told you have to exist all your life, is literally life-and-death for you.

In a way, she’s saying something that sounds a little like: despite the silence that the world demands of queer people, despite the violence of that, there are ways to be known. There are ways to become known to one another, and to ourselves—and they are a matter of our survival.

POV you came here for Harry content and you’re getting a weirdly in depth emotional rant about The Little Mermaid

Second to last thing on TLM, swear. The ending. I’m gonna stick with the movie here, because the ending of the fairytale version is much darker, and less relevant, I think, to anything I can in good conscience compare to what I can see of mermaidrry’s experience.

The ending of TLM…… has always felt so unsatisfying to me. And really, I think that’s the point. That article linked above (worth a read, go do that if you haven’t already) points out that Ariel and Eric, power couple, are the ones who team up to kill Ursula (in a very phallic and dramatic way, mind, they spear her with a ship) and set Triton back on his throne as the ruler of the sea—effectively, reinstating the heteropatriarchy that Ursula destabilized by helping Ariel fulfill her desire to transcend her mermaidness and become human. Heteronormative patriarchal norm-setter lookin ass manlymanman King Triton then finally signs off on Ariel’s marriage to Eric, and it’s supposed to be happy because Ariel’s got her voice back and she’s got her man and she thinks she’s got everything she wants and there’s a rainbow even and it looks great—but the thing is, Ariel’s marrying a figurehead of patriarchal male power herself. Eric’s actually the one who drives the bow of the ship into Ursula and takes her out, Ariel’s in more of a supporting role—so he kills Ariel’s mentor, in a way, her predecessor, the one who literally taught her about the concept of gendered performance; Ariel helps him do it; and then Ariel marries him. And Ariel’s father, who originally forbid her from having anything to do with humans at all, co-signs on it—is like, yeah, great, go ahead and be human and marry this prince who murdered my sister/rival and gave me back full control of the ocean, that’s fine by me sure. Ariel’s rebellion and transformation, in short, is given a stamp of approval by mainstream human AND mermaid society both, and that’s— actually maybe kind of a sinister thing, here.

Look at Triton, man. Look at him right front and center there, his approval highlighted so we absolutely can’t miss it.

To me, just. This whole thing: it’s a deviation from repressive heteropatriarchal rules—a defiance of them, really—being softened enough that the heteropatriarchy can swallow it. It’s the connections between H’s work and queerness being wrapped up in narrative after narrative after narrative so that his image will still appeal to as many people as possible, and make as much money as possible, no matter how many rainbow flags he waves. (I’m hearing put a price on emotion; man I can hate you sometimes; I don’t want to sleep in the dirt.) It’s the way society bends and gives and accedes to certain parts of queer expression so that it can learn how to suppress it better next time, take advantage of it better next time, even more surreptitiously and cleverly; it’s homophobia and transphobia behind a mask of acceptance, or of enthusiasm, even. It’s the way the world uses one single breath to both praise and condemn Harry for being, by all appearances, more expressive of more parts of himself. How they love it when he’s camp, yet hate the daring and, frankly, subversive idea of living by a kindness that is both a) deeper than the prevailing norms of homophobic society can tolerate and b) very queer that’s so present in his music, so just there, if you’re listening for it, open to hearing it. The world a lost sailor, in a way: drawn in by H’s voice, and villainizing him for how he sings, what he sings; where his voice calls to.

Princes and glittery dresses and meeting yourself

I want to end by returning to an idea I think I mentioned first in the section on Harry and water—the unification of the self, the mermaid image being made of two distinct elements (fish, human) that come together to form a more cohesive whole, an entirely new being.

This, of course, tracks when we think about Ariel: as a human, Ariel’s entire body— in a queer reading, her gender— fits her better. We see that visually in the sparkly dress that Ella pointed out—and in the fact that with Eric, she’s feels she belongs: I’m about to do that dumb thing I do again where I read a couple as actually a representation of one person’s self and say that we’re seeing two parts of Ariel’s self being united in this sweet moment at the end when she emerges from the sea and Eric finally recognizes her.

If we’re reading Eric and Ariel as halves of one whole mermaid here, then it’s insane to me that for the longest in the movie, Eric doesn’t recognize Ariel as the mysterious woman who saved him—who he’s in love with and has been searching for, even as Ariel herself tries so hard to show him that it’s her you dumb bitch it’s heerrrrr—and literally the only reason that he doesn’t GET it is because he can’t hear Ariel speak, he doesn’t have the tools to know her. He doesn’t know who or where this lifesaving ethereal voice he’s dreaming about is, even though she’s right in front of him, because he doesn’t have the capacity to understand her presence or who she is or what she means to him, and my brain is just going sounds like She, sounds like She bitch that’s She—like god this mf is really searching for Ariel The. Whole. Time. And longing so badly to hear her voice, and she’s right there in his face, and he can’t see it because he doesn’t know how to know her, she doesn’t speak in a way he’s used to hearing, sounds like She bitch I don’t know who she is bit ch and also....... two halves in two bodies, two entities representing a whole self....... hello Adore You fish boy mermaid music video. Hello selves in two parts coming together and then splitting apart and then coming together again. Hello meeting new parts of yourself and finally, finally understanding them and falling in love with them, following them out to sea, following them out of the sea.

And this is also so interesting to me because like I mentioned earlier—that’s Eric that Ariel’s with there, that’s Prince Eric™, Ursula-killer Eric. He does symbolize, I think, when paired with little mermaid herself, a truer expression of Ariel’s queer identity. But he also, like I said, axed the mentor who taught Ariel that gender is a performance in the first place, which. Problematic. And: for him to see her...... she had to talk. His way.

How I see this: there’s something life-giving and beautiful in the love between Ariel’s two parts of herself—her gendered energies, if you’ll allow me the binaristic thinking for a moment—despite the fact that both (the Ariel half, the Eric half) are entirely surrounded in and partially shaped by patriarchy. Ursula saying things like what she says to Ariel about performance and gender threatens the norms underlying Eric’s power, so she has to die; and Ariel helps Eric kill her—in pursuit of her full self, sure, but she still does. We can’t gloss over that. E and A love one another, and they belong together, and now that they are together Ariel is closer to a fuller, queerer way of being—and so much about them will always exist in the context of antiqueer patriarchy. All of that can be true at the same time. There can be a true and solid core to self-love and self-expression, and there can also be a lot of contextual difficulties and paradoxes to navigate when it comes to actually living out these elusive things. One of the reasons I love Harry’s music so so so so much is that it so often feels to me like it’s so frank about this sentiment—though, again, what I see in H’s music is more a reflection of me than it is of him, because he’s the only one who will ever have the authority to say what’s really there.

Importantly, I don’t at all mean to say that trying to locate a relationship to the body or to gender that does feel like it fits is a futile thing, or isn’t possible or real or worth it—it absolutely is. It’s just, so often, so difficult. And complicated: I find that along my own strange little way, parts of me have tried to silence other parts of myself that shouldn’t be silenced; parts of myself haven’t recognized me; parts of myself, most frighteningly, have even asked me to profoundly transform. It is, I imagine—I’ve said this before, but: a little like learning to live underwater might be? A little like becoming a mermaid without drowning—holding out long enough to see all the beauty around you when you finally take your first breath of water.

I don’t know. I’m just grateful, as always, to ever-thoughtful, mermaid-dress-wearing Harry—for the depth of his art, for the depth of his patience, for his oceanic fearlessness.

Far out in the sea the water is as blue as the petals of the loveliest of cornflowers and as clear as the clearest glass, but it is very deep, deeper than any anchor-cable can reach, and many church towers would have to be placed on top of each other to stretch from the sea-bed to the surface.

Down there the sea-folk live.

-Hans Christian Andersen, The Little Mermaid

#rambles #mermaidrry #this is so much #this is so long #not a one of you asked for this #but #you are all my captive audience and you have to put up with this shit from me now #we're gonna #tw homophobia #tw transphobia #this one just to be safe here

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ennoshawty · 3 years

Text

HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu captains #daichi sawamura #oikawa toru #kuroo tetsuro #kita shinsuke #ushijima wakatoshi #bokuto kotaro #x reader

97 notes · View notes

floatyteabag · 3 years

Note

HEY HANNAH

SPILL ABT THE AIDES >:)

HEY LISA

O K A Y

ARE YOU READY

(I’m not sure if you meant Meade and Tilghman or all of the aides but guess what- i love them all (even Reed the tiniest bit) SO i’ll offer a shitpost on A L L of them (i'm not doing Hamilton or Laurens though because everyone knows them and idk a lot about Reed so sadly he won't feature either))

Robert Hanson Harrison-

- He was born in 1745, but nobody knows when because nobody was smart enough to ever write it down

- In 1765, he was admitted to the bar and became a lawyer. He then became Washington's lawyer, which is how they knew each other.

- He supported the Patriot cause in Virginia pretty early on, and was made an officer in the 1774 militia, and later officially commissioned as a major in the Fairfax County militia in 1775

- Roll around November 1775, he is appointed as Washington's aide-de-camp

- Then, in May 1776 he was given the role of military secretary (it was going to be Reed but Harrison swept in like 'lol nope')

- Over the course of the war, Harrison continued serving under Washington. He did the letter-writing business like everyone else, and he and Hamilton negotiated prisoner exchanges, because they were the two who were best with words

- He also earned the fond name (the fandom know this well) of 'Old Secretary' (he wasn't even the oldest in office but he just acted old)

- In 1780, he left military service (his father died so it was partly due to that) and he briefly returned to Virginia and visited Laurens while he was a P.O.W.

-In 1781, he was made a judge, and they continued to offer him other jobs, including being the Chancellor of Maryland, but because he was always ill he declined the offers

- Washington offered him a job and he declined for the same reason, as well as family responsibilities. Then, Washington sent Harrison a personal appeal trying to persuade him to accept. Somehow, this worked, and Harrison began travelling to New York, but then he fell ill (again) and had to cancel and then declined the offer again

- He was somehow a Federalist

- He had a wife named Sarah Johnston, and then she sadly died, so he re-married a woman named Grace Dent

- I also recall reading somewhere that he had 2 daughters, but don't quote me on that because I may have made that up

- He died in April, 1790 (nobody knows where he was buried so it's a complete mystery)

John Fitzgerald-

I could tell you all about Fitzgerald, but thankfully @chaotic-randomzooli already did it for me!! I'll link it here and on that note I'll finish with #justiceforjohnfitzgerald because everyone always forgets about him

James McHenry-

- He was born 16th November 1753 (that makes him a Scorpio!!)

- He was of Scottish-Irish descent, being born in Ireland too

- He was educated at Dublin and then emigrated to Philadelphia in 1771

- He was initially a doctor/surgeon, and was trained under Benjamin Rush (I think anyway...?)

- He was appointed at some fortress (I can't remember the name for the life of me-) and it was captured by Howe, and thus McHenry was made a P.O.W. in 1776

- He was paroled in in early 1777, released in March 1778 and was present at the Battle of Monmouth in 1778 to do doctor-stuff

- He actually worked for the Continental Army as a physician before his appointment as Washington's aide-de-camp in May 1779

- During his time on Washington's staff, he and Hamilton built up a pretty good friendship

- In 1780, he transferred to Lafayette's staff, and he remained there until his retirement in 1781 (McHenry, not Lafayette)

- He married Margaret (Peggy) Caldwell in 1784 and they had 3 children together. Sadly, one of them passed away when he was still alive

- He was Secretary of War 1796-1800 and he represented Maryland in congress

- He was also a Federalist

- He also dappled in the mercantile business (idk if he was any good at it but I'm gonna say yes)

- In 1792, he purchased a large amount of land and named it 'Fayetteville' to honour Lafayette (so cute)

- He kept up frequent correspondence with his friends, including Benjamin Tallmadge

- In 1814, he had an attack of paralysis, and he lost the function of his legs

- He passed away 2 years later in 1816

Tench Tilghman-

- Born December 25th 1744 in Maryland (Making him a Capricorn!!)

- He led a pretty privileged life, as his father owned a plantation in Maryland

- He was the oldest of 12 children

- His family were also loyalists, but Tench later changed his view along with contemporary society

- He graduated from the College of Philadelphia in 1761 with a degree (in something...)

- One of his first jobs in the big, big world was to negotiate with the Six Nations on behalf of the British and the American colonists

- He ran a saddle-making business but then he kinda got screwed over when British goods stopped being imported. Tories then found out he supported the revolution, so they burned down his shop

- A lot of his family served the British crown, and a couple of his brothers served in the British army

- In 1776, he received a commission to be Washington's aide-de-camp, however he was a volunteer aide

- He spoke French, often assisting in translations between the French, Lafayette and Baron Von Steuben

- He was Washington's longest serving aide, and his best- he was extremely hard-working and dedicated to the cause

- After Hamilton left service in 1781 (?) Tilghman was the only aide left in office. He worked so hard that he often fell ill (god bless)

- In 1783, he left military service due to ill health, as he kept falling ill with fever, yet he took up business in trade

- He married his FIRST cousin Anna in 1783 (desperate times call for desperate measures-) and they had 2 children together, named Anna and Elizabeth

- Tilghman died in April 1786 (his second daughter hadn't been born yet!!)

Richard Kidder Meade-

BEST TILL LAST OKAY HE'S MY FAVOURITE (in case you couldn't tell)

- He was born July 11th (though some sources say the 14th) 1746 (Making him a Cancer!!)

- He was one of 8 children, being the 5th eldest

- He received an education with two of his brothers in England

- He was never really an academic, he preferred doing sporty and athletic stuff, but he was still pretty smart

- He married his first wife, Elizabeth Randolph, in 1765 (he was 19 and she was 26!)

- They had 3 children together, but sadly all of them died in infancy

- Elizabeth died in 1774

- In 1775, Meade was made Captain of the 2nd Virginia regiment and he led them in battle

- In 1777, he was appointed as Washington's aide-de-camp, where he was frequently used to deliver correspondence etc. due to his excellent horseman abilities (and when I say excellent, I mean excellent-)

- He had a very amiable personality

- Meade frequently interacted with common soldiers, which was uncommon for any officer, let alone an aide-de-camp of the commander in-chief

- Meade oversaw the construction of the cabins built at Valley Forge, and gave the soldiers a tutorial on how to build one

- Soldiers had to report any issues or problems to Meade, and he personally saw to it that these issues were rectified

- At Valley Forge, before the arrival of Steuben, Meade often led soldiers in their drills

- At the Battle of Monmouth, in 1778, Meade was trying to hunt down General Lee and ask what on earth was going on. While he was out, so was Henry Clinton and his aides. They saw Meade and opened fire on him, but he managed to get away safely on his horse. A few years later, Meade and 2 other aides (one was Laurens, and I can't remember who the other was) were talking about Monmouth with some captured British men, and one of them mentioned the whole Clinton v.s. Meade incident but nobody on the British side knew it was Meade and vice versa for the Americans with Clinton. Anyways, so the British guy said "Wait, do you have a black horse?" and Meade was like "... yeah" and then they all had a lightbulb moment and realised Meade had been shot at by Clinton. Meade then said (this isn't actually it but I'm paraphrasing in modern terms) "Well, if I'd have KNOWN it were Clinton, I would have done something about it or died trying"

- His horse. He cherished that horse, and would brag about her to anyone who would listen. I'm sure he actually kept her throughout and after the war, as he didn't want to give her up

- The chimney moment. Not once but twice he scaled a chimney to read letters from Hamilton. That is dedication-

- He left military service in 1780 to re-marry a woman named Mary Grymes and they had 8 children together- 4 daughters and 4 sons (I love that even split)

- He pursued his pre-war career in farming and was very successful

- He bought some land (under Washington's expert recommendation) in Virginia and expanded a log cabin, which he named 'Meadea' (unlike McHenry, he didn't name it after a friend, he named it after himself like a legend-)

- He expanded this land and built a brick house which he named 'Lucky Hit' due to his belief that the land he bought was... lucky

- In 1799, he was in some random part of Virginia and heard Washington was riding in the area, and Meade spoke to George Washington Custis who basically was like 'yeah he's here' and Meade found Washington and the two rode around together. They approached a locked gate and Meade hopped off his horse and insisted on opening it for Washington as he was still his aide-de-camp

- Meade sadly passed in 1805 due to gout and the effects of military life. Essentially, his legs gave out, stopped working, and then he died.

TA-DA!! Wow that took me waaaaaay longer than necessary, I'm so sorry lmao-

All of my info is from either personal research or can be found in Washington's Indispensable Men (read it it's fascinating!!)

I do not class myself as an official historian, I just love the aides <3

#amrev #washington's aides #robert hanson harrison #john fitzgerald #james mchenry #tench tilghman #richard kidder meade

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