#idk why i ever thought my inbox would ever be 100% clear

[ysaefinn]

I AM OFFICIALLY LOCKING IN FOR THE NAPS DRABBLE!!!!

[blossom-hwa]

a little birdie told me to request surfer san at a party idk what that was about but i do kinda want to see skater boy yeosang there too if you're up for that 👀👀👀 heheheheh love u linaaaa <333

/chants/ surfer san surfer san SURFER SAN thank you very much mai for putting this in my inbox I adore you <3 skater yeosang will be up next so I hope you enjoy what I end up spitting out for that one too !

4 year anniversary drabble game: send me a Stray Kids/The Boyz/Golden Child/Ateez member + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and I’ll write a drabble for you!

Set in the same universe as Kickflip (My Heart) (skater!Yeosang) and Hey, Hey - Let Me Kiss You (surfer!Juyeon) :)

I’m gonna cry this ended up being way longer than I thought it’d be but you know what I’m 100% turning this into a full scenario so fuck it it’ll be as long as it has to be

~

Title: Truth or Dare

Pairing: San x gender neutral!reader

Word count: 2.2k

Triggers: cursing, alcohol, shirtless woosan for a hot minute, implications of sex towards the end (NOTHING GRAPHIC)

~

Okay, so in hindsight, maybe coming to Hongjoong's party knowing you were going to be here was a mistake. In his defense, the water probably wasn’t out of his ears when he told Wooyoung he would come, despite the latter having told him specifically you were going to be there. It probably caused some temporary brain damage. That, and San has never really made the best decision when it comes to crushes. 

Especially you. You’ve been the worst so far. Around all of the others, he’s been able to keep a measure of his confidence, able to flirt a little and initiate something here or there, if it’s reciprocated. But you...

You’re something else. Always have been, ever since Hongjoong introduced him to you in all your gorgeous glory. Which is probably why Wooyoung looked so surprised that San agreed to come without much trouble - he probably thought San would be chicken out immediately and he’d have to convince him. 

San’s here, though, several drinks in and very much buzzed if not drunk, sitting in a circle of people that includes you. Even five or six drunk adults away, San can feel his face heating up when you look in his direction and throw him a wink with that gorgeous smile spread across your face. 

His heart thumps a little faster.

“You look like an idiot,” Wooyoung hisses, jabbing him in the side. “What did I tell you about playing hard to get?”

San rolls his eyes. “Since when did your advice ever make enough sense for me to take it?”

Wooyoung huffs. “You look like a lovesick idiot,” he sniffs. 

San doesn’t deign to reply. 

“Okay, okay.” Hongjoong comes back from wherever he was and settles between Seonghwa and Mingi, a bottle in hand. “Shut up, everyone. We’re playing truth or dare.”

Someone raises an eyebrow. “What is this, high school?”

“The way you all act, I wouldn’t be surprised.” San stifles a laugh at your reply. 

“Says you.” Hongjoong snorts. 

You grin. “Did I ever exclude myself?”

Everyone breaks into laughter that Hongjoong has to calm before setting the bottle in the middle of the circle. “Rules are the same. Spin the bottle, if it lands on you, pick truth or dare. If you chicken out, take a shot.” He raises an eyebrow. “Got it?”

They all get it, even the ones who look a little like they’re on the way to passing out, and so truth or dare begins. 

It’s fun. That might just be because San has been drinking, but when Seonghwa is dared for the second time to write some gross in the air with his butt, he and Wooyoung are falling over each other with tipsy laughter. Hiccuping with giggles, San answers a question about who in this room he’d lick peanut butter off of - “Hongjoong, I like his body.” - and then takes off his shirt for five turns and keeps it off because it’s kind of hot, anyway, and he doesn’t really want to bother putting it back on. Wooyoung isn’t much better - he got dared to take off his pants but Seonghwa forced Yunho to amend it to his shirt, and San pats his friend’s pecs affectionately before the next person goes. 

Eventually, the bottle lands on you. You raise an eyebrow. “Truth.”

“Is there someone you like in this room?” Mingi blurts. 

There’s a chorus of groans, complaints of ‘Okay, this is too high school for me,’ and ‘For real, Mingi? Seriously?’, but San’s attention is on you and the way your expression has turned slightly uncertain for the first time tonight. You bite your lip, staring at the shot glass in your hand like you’re really contemplating chickening out, but then your eyes flicker up and in his direction. 

San’s breath catches in his throat. You didn’t look at him. You definitely didn’t. That was just coincidence. Don’t get your hopes up, San. 

“Alright, alright, shut up.” You raise your voice above the noise of people teasing Mingi. “The answer is yes. I do.”

The complaints turn into oooooohs and wolf whistles and ‘Who is it? Who is it?’ but you’ve already got the bottle in hand and are spinning it in the center of the circle. San barely notices, even when Wooyoung’s hand squeeze his knee - who is the person that you like? There’s like fifteen or twenty people here. It could be any one of them. It’s probably Yeosang. He’s pretty and everyone has had a crush on him at least once. Or Seonghwa? Maybe even Wooyoung?

Cheers erupt all around him and San looks up, startled, to see you glaring at the bottle like it personally wronged you in a past life. 

Because it’s pointing at you again. 

“Truth or dare, Y/N?” someone yells. 

Next to you, Yeosang whispers something in your ear. Your eyes widen. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, but I would.” Yeosang grins. 

You glare at the bottle some more. “Dare.”

���Everyone shut up, I’ve got this.” San watches in confused silence as Yeosang sits up. “Y/N...” A grin that looks more suited to Wooyoung spreads across his lips. “I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in this room.” 

San’s heart drops with every second that passes. He wants it to be him, badly wants it to be him, but in a room full of people who look like Seonghwa, who look like Dahyun, who look like Juyeon and Chaeyoung and Yeosang and - god, San can’t even list all of the names - 

How would it ever be him?

You make a very rude gesture to Yeosang that has everyone cracking up, but you don’t eye the shot glass this time. Instead, you throw your shoulders back and let your eyes rake over the room. 

“Wooyoung.”

San’s heart drops. Of course it’s Wooyoung, his best friend in every life, one of the prettiest people San himself has ever laid eyes on -

“Move over.” Suddenly, you’re up in San’s face, pushing Wooyoung away. He blinks. When did you come all the way over here? But he doesn’t even have time to ponder the answer to that question because your smile is so close, now, just half a foot separating your lips, and you’re reaching out a hand to cup his cheek and San is short-circuiting as you say -

“Stop me if you don’t want this, okay?”

San blinks. Don’t want what? His heart is beating so fast, faster even than when he catches the highest wave of the afternoon, you’re so close and this is all he’s ever wanted, why would you even imply that this is something he doesn’t want - 

Your lips press against his, and San’s mind goes blank. 

You’re kissing him. You’re kissing him. You’re kissing him because you think he’s the prettiest person in the room - he, San, Choi San, surfer boy who turned into a mess the day Hongjoong introduced him to you - you think he, of all people in the room, is the prettiest -

It occurs to him that he’s still shirtless. He doesn’t exactly know what to do with that information. 

You pull away and San gasps for breath, eyes staring wide into yours. You smile at him softly, lips slightly swollen with the kiss, and like he’s underwater, San can kind of hear everyone screaming and whistling and whatever in the background, but when you speak, suddenly, everything is crystal clear. 

“Was that okay?” you whisper. 

Yes. Yes. Oh, God, yes - San nods once, twice, three times and then blushes when your smile grows wider and the sparkle he likes so much turns brighter in your eye. 

Nothing he’s ever seen could be more beautiful than you right now, eyes sparkling and lips smiling under the dim lights of the party, pulling him forward for a second kiss.

. . .

The rest of the night passes in a blur. Truth or dare ends, San takes another couple of shots, and you’re somehow by his side the entire time until the party’s over. Both of you stay behind to help clean up a bit, but at around two, Seonghwa shoos the rest of you home, and Wooyoung meets up with San by the door to walk back to the apartment. 

“Move it, Woo.” You appear again, shoving Wooyoung out of the way. “I’m sure San won’t mind if I walk him home instead.”

A horrible grin splits Wooyoung’s features and he nods quickly, giving San a very unsubtle wink made worse by the fact that he drank way more than San did after the game. “Sannie, do you mind?” he asks. Then, not waiting for an answer, he loops an arm through Yeosang’s, who looks very confused. “I’ll see you at home! Or not!”

You and San walk out of the house in silence, mostly because San has too many thoughts at the moment and they’re all jumbling up into one big mess. The euphoria from kissing you earlier has worn off slightly as the alcohol left his system - he’s mostly sober now - which means he’s thinking. Too much. 

“San.” You look over at him, a streetlamp lighting your face. “Come on, I won’t bite.” You smile. “If you have something to ask me, you can say it.”

He blinks. Blinks again. Then, as though your words unleashed a flood in his brain, he asks - 

“Did you really think I was the prettiest person in the room?”

You stare at him, eyes narrowed and surprisingly lucid given how the party went. “Yes, I did. I still do.”

Oh. Oh, okay. San feels a little like he needs to sit down. So the kiss wasn’t just a one time thing - you’d do it again, probably, if he’s interpreting your words correctly - 

“Why?”

This time, you look a little incredulous when the word leaves his mouth. Then you shake your head. “You really don’t think you’re beautiful, do you.” It isn’t a question. 

San ducks his head. For all his usual surfer bravado, the confident face and smile he presents when he’s about to hit the waves, he can’t seem to find the courage to look at you in this moment, to let you really see everything brewing behind his eyes. 

Fingers settle under his chin and tip it up so that he’s looking at you again. “I don’t bite, San,” you remind him again, still smiling. “I happen to think you’re very pretty. Beautiful. And even though I still want to slap Yeosang over the head, I’m very glad he gave me the opportunity to show that tonight.” Your fingers walk upwards to cup his cheek the same way you did when you kissed him. “In case you were wondering, by the way, you were the one I was talking about when I said I liked someone. And I didn’t only kiss you just because you were shirtless.”

A small smile settles on San’s face. It’s strange, the way you seem to be able to read his mind without him saying anything, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it. “I like you too.”

“I know. It was a little obvious.” You laugh when San whines, going red under your touch. “I wanted to say something before, kind of ever since I saw you in that wetsuit when Hongjoong introduced us, but it felt like I’d scare you away.” You raise an eyebrow. “Am I scaring you away now?”

Are you scaring him? A little, kind of, but not in a bad way. It’s more like you thrill him, make his heart race faster and faster the longer your fingers linger on his skin. You’re not scaring him away. If anything, you’re scaring him towards you - it’s weird, but that’s the only way San can describe it. He shakes his head. “No.”

“Good.” You grin. “Because if I was scaring you, you probably wouldn’t want to kiss me, and right now I really want to kiss you again.”

Your lips meet once, twice, three times under the dull glare of the lamp on the empty street, San’s arms settling around your waist, your hands coming up to wrap around his neck. When you break away after the third kiss, eyes hooded and lips swollen enough to make San’s mouth go dry, a soft glint appears in your expression. “Want to come home with me?” you ask. “My roommate’s out of town.” San follows the movement of your eyelashes as you blink. It’s captivating. “Feel free to say no. I won't take offense.” 

If it were anyone else, San doesn’t know if he’d believe them. He might stop it here politely, even tipsy as he is, and ask to just go back to his place instead. But he trusts you. Has trusted you from the day he met you. Because nothing in your words or your face ever seems to mask a lie, and besides, his fingers are itching to find their way up your shirt and somewhere else as he kisses you again and again -

He kisses you, laughing against your lips. “I guess I should let Wooyoung know I’m not coming back tonight.”

“Oh, he’ll get the message even if you don’t say anything.” Your grin is brighter than the stars. “Come on, pretty boy.” You kiss him again. “Let me show you how beautiful I think you are.”

[meetmeatthecoda]

Okay so, I wanted to offer my two cents on that ask about Liz’s reaction in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. This is NOT meant as an attack on anyone—I find it 100% valid that the OG nonny (and anyone who related to them, including you dear Coda 💖💖💖) feels the way they do; they can’t control how they reacted to Liz any more than I can control how I reacted to that ask. Plus like, this is all fiction so no harm done? I purely wish to share my perspective, not ~present a counterargument~ or anything like that. :) Apologies in advance for how long this got. 😅😅😅

I get why you would react negatively to Liz’s screaming at Red, but I feel like?? That incident of all the times she’s treated him unjustly was (one of?) the most reasonable. Now, how she continues to act afterwards (regarding the Fulcrum but also, like, for the rest of the show welp) is 100% a continued bad decision in so many ways on her part and reflects terribly on her character, but her reaction in the immediate aftermath?? IDK, I feel the need to kind of defend her, probably because I absoluuuutely saw myself in her when she did that. I’ve (I shamefully admit) yelled, shoved, and even kicked at loved ones when they just wanted to comfort me but their attempts made me feel cornered and small. I’ve made logically unbased and ethically/emotionally unfair accusations against people who’ve done nothing but try to help me when I just needed something to get them away (literally or otherwise). When I just needed to attack something—take out my frustrations and confusion and fear and anger on someone. (And if Liz was like that, she might have latched onto Red as her target because he was the closest thing—physically, emotionally, and even in relation to the cause of that confusion and anger itself.) I have inflicted real harm on people while in an unsettling or unfamiliar mental state—harm that I couldn’t take back even when I could look back with a clear(er) mind and realize I never should have said/done any of that.

(Also, side note: when I first watched that ep and I saw Liz screaming at Red not to touch her?? I’d actually thought they were depicting her as being touch-averse due to the trauma and/or overstimulation, and I was?!! Like, call me badly coping but I appreciate seeing characters not being comfortable or straight-up being aggressive about being touched, even for just a moment, because that is me 24/7. Then of course a few more seconds and it turns out it’s not actually that?? Liz is just repulsed by Red’s Bad Guyness again apparently?? Whenever I rewatch the ep I still choose to see it as overstimulation though because, well… my heart is clearly very talented at choosing comfort characters for me. 🥲🥲🥲)

So speaking from personal experience, coming out of a trauma (or revisiting an unresolved one) is so stressful that it’s only natural to react explosively—even to the extent of unfairness and unreasonableness—in an attempt to protect or heal yourself, whether that attempt be justified or not. And honestly, I could even make the argument that for Liz, her attempt was to some extent justified. Of course Red would never hurt her, but sometimes a person needs breathing space. Like, literally needs. Maybe for the sake of her mental stability/health, Liz should have had her first moments coming up from her trance to herself. Does that make sense?? IDK if I made any sense there; I just know that while I never could have gotten to the place I’m at now without the EVENTUAL professional and personal support I’ve been blessed with, I also can’t fathom how much more mental anguish I would have experienced if I’d had people who knew me (or like, the “closest person” in Liz’s case) see me in the immediate aftermath of my trauma. Just… The state I was in? Yikes, am I glad only I saw myself pull myself together; I’d have had so much more to worry about with others seeing me like that. That might just be me and totally inapplicable to Liz of course, so I digress!

I’m not saying Liz isn’t responsible for her words/actions simply because they happened while she was in utter emotional upheaval and under mental and physical duress—Red definitely did NOT deserve that treatment from her. He did NOTHING WRONG. But with that kind of complex angst comes the inevitably mixed but nonetheless potent reactions of fans, I completely understand that. Everyone has different experiences and thus different viewpoints, and that’s fine and totally healthy in my book. Still, something about that discussion struck a chord with me—you can (and should) hold someone accountable for the harm they do while mentally unstable, but it’s possible and also healthy to do that without, yourself, harboring anger or resentment against them, you know? I had to teach myself (and those around me) that, so I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Again, I don’t mean to start anything and I’m so, so sorry if I inadvertently have. I hope it’s okay that I came here to explain my thoughts (and so wordily too, ack I’m sorry), and if not, I won’t anymore. Thank you for hearing me out this time though, I really appreciate it. :)

Dear anon!! 🤗🥰❤️ Firstly, I want to thank you for your kindness & respect for other's opinions!! This ask was worded in the sweetest, most considerate way & I appreciate it very much!! There's absolutely no need to apologize for having your own opinion & perspective, especially when you share & explain it so nicely, so never fear!! 😊❤️ Moving on to the meat of your ask - which is in regards to this previous one - you make such a good point!! When you look at it that way, the Luther Braxton Post-Memory-Unearthing Screaming Explosion is perhaps Liz's most justifiable negative reaction in the series LOL I guess looking back from where we are now - knowing all about & being completely fed up with all of Liz's awful writing & characterization in the subsequent seasons - it's easy to dismiss her reaction in Luther Braxton as something unreasonable & irritating & unfair to Red (which, to some extent - as you graciously allow - it is). But - as you generously point out - while that's a valid way of looking at it, it's also definitely worth examining from another point of view!! And I think your point of view (in everything ofc, but particularly in this) is so valuable!! I can relate at least on some level... I have definitely snapped at people, even those trying to help me, verbally & otherwise, when I lost my temper & just needed some space!! In fact, I think that's a pretty universal stress reaction & it's not necessarily something to be super ashamed of (but definitely something to be aware of & work on - a good reminder for us all!!) & it's definitely not a stretch to imagine Liz was going through something similar after being effectively water-boarded & having her memories so unceremoniously rifled through!! And, after all, Liz has one thing we generally don't... a perfect, convenient, willing catalyst for all the negative things in her life: Red (however undeserving of that title he may be.)

(And re: sidenote of touch-averse!Liz - Omg, I definitely thought about that being their angle at first too!! While I don't usually default to reacting that way myself [kind of the opposite for me usually LOL] I know that plenty of people do & it's 1000% valid as a coping mechanism & honestly??? A touch-averse Liz would be one of the more realistic reactions she's ever had 😂😭 especially considering the circumstances!! And hey, no shame about gravitating towards that interpretation bc it's 1) less painful for you & 2) you like comfort characters bc you 👏 do 👏 you 👏 but also?? I can't say anything bc the reason that I like that interpretation??? I love the angst of an overwhelmed & touch-averse!Liz unintentionally shattering Red's heart by completely rejecting his well-meaning physical comfort anddddd I'm not sure what that says about me tbh 😂😂😂)

Long story short, anon, you made perfect sense here, not to worry!! You were so respectful & cognizant of others' feelings, thank you so much for that, it doesn't go unnoticed!! You bring such a good point to the discussion with your perspective & outlook & I'm so thankful you chose to contribute!! I loved reading your thoughts & don't worry at all about the length, I appreciate your thoroughness!! (Plus, we all know I'm hardly one to talk, I never use one word when twenty will do 😂) Please don't hesitate to come back to my inbox any time to discuss whatever you like, I always love a little bit of friendly TBL conversation, especially since the show as we know it is so abruptly & unexpectedly over 😭 Yes, still grappling with that, in case you were wondering 🥲 Anyway, thank you again for your lovely ask, anon, I appreciate you greatly, & much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

[lady-tortilla-chip]

The flipside of that is that I don't think Grace would necessarily understand why giving somebody an ILU out loud would be important - I don't think that's how she articulates how she feels, and I think there's a chance she's so in awe of Dani she wouldn't meaningfully believe hearing it. Love for her means the things you'd *do* for somebody. I think a lot about how her formative years were spent alone, and how that must have shaped the value she puts on physical contact vs verbal communication.

Re Grace's communication - Idk if it's just the circumstances, but IMHO sometimes she comes across as irritated at having to try to verbally communicate what she means at all. And she gets frustrated at people using euphemisms, which makes her seem obtuse. But the way she says "It's clear" to Dani when they ditch the car is to touch her shoulder; she backs up Dani's story to her uncle by just proving it. The way she tells her to take the power source is by handing her the blade...

Morning anon! I’m assuming these two messages were from the same person(?) but anyway, 100% agreed!

And you have a point with that, when Grace was younger she was alone. It was likely other people used/betrayed/lied to her multiple times before she met Dani. Those experiences would absolutely influence what she valued more or considered more trustworthy. Then of course, physical connection is extremely important to human beings. So on top of knowing better than to take people’s words at face value because of prior experience, she’d also have been touch starved so any kind of positive physical contact would be strongly appreciated and reacted to.

Dani in contrast would have a more level perspective I think. She’d see the value of saying it and expressing it. I can imagine that created some difficulties for them in the beginning much for the reason you said. Grace, as we all were made very aware of, thought of Dani as the most incredible person she’d ever known. So to have that beyond, incredible, amazing, the reason humanity had a sliver of a chance at survival, person tell her that she loved her? She’d sincerely doubt it. Not because Grace thought little of herself either, she just recognized how important Dani was as a leader and would’ve likely misplaced the woman, the human being who needed connection to others just as much as anyone else, behind that image. Which btw, judging by how she was with Dani in the movie, Grace (mostly) figured out how to balance that. Recognize when to see Dani as her leader and when to see her as a her partner.

Also that’s exactly right that Grace, multiple times throughout the movie chose to act instead of speak. To her, actions are faster and easier to act on because they’re immediate. I think the one part where words were used just as strongly as her actions was of course the line “I’m not.” Those two words fully encompassed her love and devotion in a way an ILU wouldn’t have. Tbh that line practically haunts me, lol.

Ok ok I’m done rambling your points back to you. I was pretty happy to get these two messages in my inbox, great thing to wake up to and think about! :D

[kotsume]

hi i’m back from the dead (tumblr gave me my blog back)

hi i said i’d post this tomorrow but i lied and couldn’t help myself.

first off, happy 2019!! it’s been nearly a year since i’ve seen y’all!!! how are you guys? i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who supported me and i am so thankful for you all.

i have a full explanation under the cut and i would really appreciate it if y’all read it!!

also, i think i’ll reblog this a couple times sorry ik it’s annoying

now, a lot of people i talked to/talked about me kept thinking i was terminated. to be clear, @kaijohs was not terminated, but suspended. they are 2 differnet things as there’s actually a spot in support for terminated blogs :)

i could log into tumblr and go on my dash, check out my activity and drafts, but could not like/reblog, add to drafts/queue, edit drafts, view my inbox. this only happened to @kaijohs, all my other sideblogs (like @fyeahvioletevergarden​) functioned normally and i could still do everything i normally would on them.

for some idiotic reason, tumblr still let me create new sideblogs ????????????? it doesn’t really make sense because that’s the reason why i was suspended in the first place but okay tumblr you do you i guess.

okay so:

i had saved, unused urls. those urls consisted of my old ones and my future urls. i tend to change my url every couple of months or so. anyone who’s been following me from the very beginning can tell you that i had a url change about 6 times over the course of 2 years. so yeah, it is safe to say i’m an indecisive girl who can’t stick to one url (but i think i’ll stick with kaijohs bc i love it).

tumblr must have done some random search bc you can’t report it? i didn’t see an option for it, so feel free to correct me and show me if i am wrong. anyways, i ended up getting suspended over it even though i was keeping most, if not all, of them updated. there are many users on tumblr with hundreds of urls, selling them for money, and i got suspended bc i was unlucky. not much i could do about that.

i am NOT saying i didn’t deserve it bc it was my fault for breaking the rules, but i deleted the urls as soon as i read the email and was STILL suspended for 11 months (february 27 2018 - january 22 2019). verbatim, tumblr said “Let us know when that’s been done so we can restore your access.” i sent them at least 2 emails every week through support in the first few months, as well as replying to the original email they sent me. it didn’t really do much. one time they decided to responded to my email (not one of those automated “support request received” emails, but an actual follow-up email), they completely missed the mark.

imo 11 months was overkill.

i don’t know if they actually read the things people send in support, but i have a feeling they don’t (it’s probably just bots tbh) because no human with a job is dumb enough to respond like that if they read the original request.

–

i thought a lot about starting over from scratch and making a new blog because i honestly did not know if i would ever get @kaijohs back. i’m just so happy it’s back now ^^

–

so what exactly happened during my suspension? i…

- turned 18 !!! - became a stressed out university student (major: biomedical sciences) - made many gifs to post - lost my queue* - read lots of manga - watched a lot of anime - went to europe for 3 weeks >>> france, italy, and england - lost 1.5k+ followers on @kaijohs (rip nearly 34k) - found lots of people reposting/copying my gifs :) - cut off my long ass hair wooo - distanced myself from tumblr for the time being - found someone i want to spend the rest of my life with

*i had ~100 queued items and posts just disappeared in groups idk where they went nor do i have an explanation for what happened except that tumblr deletes posts in your queue when you’re suspended.

–

oh yeah here’s a funny story: i tried calling a (false) tumblr support number but it turned out to be a scammer, and when i asked the person on the other end of the line if this was a scam. the guy told me to press the windows key and R, which raised flags for me. then he yelled at me, telling me to do my research before i accuse him of scamming me because apparently i “didn’t know anything”. i didn’t need to do research when i had Common Sense *insert that rainbow spongebob meme* backing me up… why would i need to run a new program in order for him to unsuspend me on tumblr? then he hung up after lashing out on me.

–

i will be posting a lot of darling in the franxx gifs btw. sorry woops zero two is still the best girl ever

also, as much as i am happy to have my blog back, i’m a little concerned with how i’m going to manage school + my life + gifmaking. i really do miss it, but i get easily stressed and overwhelmed, but i hope i can work something out because i want to continue doing what i love!! 

–

if you’ve made it this far and actually read all this shit, ilysm, you’re amazing, and have a wonderful day~

[sitabethel]

Don’t want to put a comment on ao3 for the fic since it’s not exactly positive, but still want to comment at the very least. The latest chapter started great, the amount of tension and having mai there was great, but that’s about it. The way it ended felt rushed with how quickly everyone accepted Amir...? I know it’s fanfiction and that’s the point, but with how the chapter was going I thought there’d be at least a little bit of consequences for the yugi tachi? Or at least Jounouchi.

I’m lol’ing at the concept of “the chapter that was 2x’s longer than most my other chapters was ‘rushed’“ because this chapter felt like it went on forever when I was writing and proofreading it. 

Well, since you felt the need to say why you thought the scene didn’t work, I think it’s only fair I give a literary defense to why I wrote it the way I did, yes? (it’s long so going under a cut)

I’m honestly amused by this comment in general because it’s no quicker than anything is ever forgiven in canon. Seto and Mokuba tried to kill everyone more than once (Idk if you read the manga or not, but even Mokuba challenged Yugi to the capsule shadow game, then did the poison food game, then helped with Death-T), and they were already showing Mokuba sympathy by the end of Death-T (Atem prevented Seto from giving Mokuba the equivalent to a penalty game, and they listened to Mokuba’s backstory). And later, Yugi was able to speak with Atem b/c of how badly he wanted to spare Seto on Pegasus’ Island. So this is precedented behavior for the friendship squad. 

I don’t even remember why they started listening to Shadi after the intro they had with him, and even Ryou in-fic brings up how quickly they forgave Malik. Battle City was what? One day? Two days tops? But they played a card game, and won, so now they get to be friends with Malik with no hard feelings what-so-ever. (Just like Jou and YM fought and won and became friends. It’s a very common troupe in anime, and I’d be lying if I said the homage was 100% unintentional- I love a lot of stupid fighting animes and how they all get beat up by the protag and follow him around for the rest of the series). 

Not to mention Ryou has always been very kind and supportive to the others. They don’t have the same intimacy with him as they do for each other, but even their coddling is done out of love for Ryou (and I’m sorry if the fic didn’t make that clear. Perhaps that’s where I should truly be getting critiqued if I didn’t bring that message across properly. Yugi and Co aren’t “bad” they’re “flawed” and need to develop their platonic relationship with Ryou if they want to remain his friend). So, when Ryou’s tackling Jou in the parking lot screaming that he’s not going to be friends with him any longer- that’s *very out of character from the Ryou they’re used to seeing* It’s a big deal to see Ryou- calm, intellectual, creepy but always nice and friendly Ryou- go full RAW on them. It puts things into perspective. Just as Amir decided not to hurt ppl b/c he knows it’ll make Ryou sad, the others reconsider forgiveness because clearly *this is more important to Ryou than they realized.* 

So yeah, I’m sorry if that seemed rushed b/c I didn’t hammer in the fact that Ryou’s outburst was more emotional than they’d ever seen him before in the years and years they’d been friends and therefore was enough to act as a catalyst to change within their own thoughts and behaviors. 

In conclusion, it feels like you’re holding me to higher standards than KT had for the original work. Especially for a drunk!prompt I got in 2015 and kept in my inbox for 3 years in order to write a 65k fic for. WHICH IS REALLY FLATTERING IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT! I mean, you must think I’m a pretty good writer if you expect me to produce better-than-canon product for every scene of every fic :D 

I mean, if this happened to be your prompt, then I’m extra sorry. That’s probably the only scenario where I would feel legitimate remorse for you not liking this chapter, but otherwise, please forgive me if I don’t beat myself up too bad for not giving Yugi and Jou whatever consequences you wanted them to have???

[piesforjack]

there's a lot of back and forth with this where Kent was both Jack's first and closest best friend and also Bitty was the first person he was romantically in love with and yet even with Bitty jack wasn't really aware of how he felt till last minute. Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

"You know when it’s the last summer of your childhood and you’re just hanging with your bro and you’re smoothing out his cowlick and you fondly call him Kenny while trying not to think about how mercilessly cruel fate is lol you know bros being bros" the same as "I didn't even know we were dating" Camilia

––reflect how the artist views Parse, which is sympathetically. Not to mention in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack. The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic) OR (sorry these are long, i don't mean to be contrary) (2)

(srsly sorry for spamming ur inbox) OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K. I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact. (3)

Again sorry for spamming ur inbox with these. I do agree with most of your post!! And this #confirmed isn't the last we've seen of K*nt. (4)

idk when you sent all the messages (not even sure if the first on IS your original message anyway????) but i’m JUST seeing these now. ANYWAY.

so like. i see what you’re trying to say here, but i still gotta like. push back against this a bit. 

“in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack” 

The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic)

obviously we know bitty is an unreliable narrator, and ngozi has made it clear that what jack and p*rse had was significant in some ways (first sexual partner, i can assume, first boy he ever kissed we assume, lots of firsts and lots of fumbling weird teenager-y beginnings etc), but it’s definitely not as significant as the scale people pretend it to be. the thing that i think is the biggest difference is that, for jack? what he had with k*nt and camilla was equal (but different.) hear me out:

we know jack and p*rse were best friends and that jack cared for him deeply at the time, but this direct parallel of “didn’t even know we were dating” camilla and “it really wasn’t more than anything physical” k*nt narratively illustrates that jack views these situations as separate but equal. jack was never in love with p*rse. we can assume (i mean we know but for arguments sake lets say it’s meta) he didn’t love camilla either. both relationships were purely physical and/or loosely resembled dating from the other persons perspective (ie. not from jack’s POV). from that we can gather that jack never considered these to be romantic relationships, even if he felt fondly of k*nt or enjoyed spending time with camilla. jack’s disconnect between romance and friendship vs how he views things with bitty is everything you need to know. 

(this isn’t me comparing the relationships, bc one was obviously unhealthy and not even a defined romantic relationship, whereas the other is a committed exclusive partnership--rather this is an exemplar of jack’s interpretation of both relationships as separate and unequal in terms of quality and definition) 

Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

ok i would argue heavily with the sentiment that jack isn’t highly emotionally intelligent because he’s proven time and time again that while he isn’t perfect he’s more aware than people like to believe he is. the ability to control emotions is a huge component of this particular intelligence, even more so than the expression of emotions. for example, we all know people who are emotionally sporadic, they go from happy to sad to angry to guilty all in the span of a 10 minute window. these people, though emotionally expressive and (usually) empathetic to a fault, they don’t exhibit high emotional intelligence. jack has shown over and over again that, while he can be unthinkingly insensitive and a bit cold, he’s very in tune with other peoples emotions, which is why his rudeness to bitty was so shocking and hurtful--he knows how to cut to the quick, he knows what buttons to press, how to hurt people in specific and painful ways (“it was a lucky shot”) but on the other side of that coin he also knows how to be supportive and attentive to peoples needs (pep talks and hanging around with the haus boys, all of whom are emotional and expressive, and shitty, my lord, his best friend shitty, if that doesn’t prove how not robotic and emotionally devoid jack is then idk what could.) that combined with the fact that jack is so firmly in control of his emotional expressiveness (especially including the fact that he has a history of mental illness) shows incredible resilience and deep understanding of his mental and emotional processes (ie. jack knows jack best) 

((also i can already hear the “um but he didn’t realize he liked bitty until like tHe LaSt SeCoNd!!!” argument and i know i know!!!!! but i believe his ~realization~ moment was more him understanding that letting go of bitty was something he didn’t want to/have to do. i think he already knew he was sweet on bitty and that he liked him more than he allowed himself to believe. but i think his dad/gretzsky pep talk gave him the nudge, the final push to see it clearly, more of a realization of “you don’t have to leave and wonder what could’ve been, you can have all this and heaven too. you’ll never know if you never try.))

so to say that jack is essentially too blind to emotional intelligence to know the difference between his relationship with k*nt and a romantic relationship...a touch absurd and wholly inaccurate.

OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K.

this, for me, is a bit of a reach. ofc this is valid and very real, it could happen, trauma does awful things to people. however, i feel like pulling this as the reason he brushes off his not-relationship with k*nt greatly undermines the fact that jack has gone through so much. he’s had years to think about and discuss these things through therapy and rehab. i think to say that p*rse is so inexplicably linked to jack’s NDE that jack compartmentalized or repressed the actuality of that relationship is...inaccurate, given the context we have.

yes, jack cut k*nt out of his life before or after the OD, and so we can assume there was some connection there between the two events (OD and cutting k*nt out) HOWEVER, i think it greatly over-simplifies this trauma. to think that jack would come away from a NDE and thusly cope by cutting k*nt out seems to imply that k*nt wasn’t actualized as abusive until post-NDE, which makes very little sense when we look at the canonical timeline and the emotional and mental vulnerability jack would be in after trauma like that. alternatively, if jack cut k*nt out of his life pre NDE, it’s even LESS likely to be associated as one unifying repression (i speak only from my own experiences with trauma, i feel like that’s important to say) simply because that implies jack’s OD was in relation or as a result of that action.

i’m guess what i’m saying for this point is: yes it’s possible but i don’t think that’s what happened, if only because both scenarios are too p*rse centric and would revolve around p*rse to the point that it minimizes jack’s illness and trauma, which are both huge focal points surrounding jack’s OD.

I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact.

i have to disagree again. do i think k*nt is an antagonist? absolutely! but so is southern homophobia, bitty’s procrastination, and the entire nhl organization. so. yes, i’m sure k*nt will play a role in the playing out of yr 4, but i have to stress this again: this is bitty’s story. p*rse, no matter how much we link him to jack and jack’s history and jack’s narrative, will ALWAYS BE a background or side plot storyline to whatever is prevalent in BITTY’S world. that’s as a result of an unreliable narrator and also the fact that, unless p*rse begins to overlap into bitty’s life more than he has in the past, we’ll only see the peripheral view of him (which can’t be told through unreliable narration as it’s told through that of the author (ngozi) rather than bitty bc obviously bits isn’t omnipotent lol)

i’m sorry this is soooo fuckin long, it’s also super late/early? so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make 100% coherent sense, i had no intentions of writing this much but alas! it got away from me.

thanks for your thoughts, i hope i’m making any sense in here xx

[alivingfire]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2016

i’m gonna try and do this thing! i was tagged by @a-writerwrites, @mediawhorefics, @afirethatcannotdie and @churchrat. 

1. List of works published this year:

Hiding Place (technically, last chapter and epilogue posted in january) Inconceivable Anonymous Said Oh Glory Been Together Since Way Back When Tumblr fics series (6 total) Day 1: So It Begins (from the 30 days of smut) True Love’s Gold Play the Odds

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

i mean. here’s the deal. hiding place is like... my everest. it’s my starry night. i put so much of myself into that damn thing, and the process of it 100% changed me, my writing style, how i view the fandom as well as the band. it will be my best accomplishment (even though there are definitely things i would go back now and change in it) until the next time i write a 365,000 word ode to two boys in love. 

but, also, researching and writing oh glory in four days was also pretty cool. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

hmm. maybe my chapter for the 30 days of smut, just because i feel like i could’ve been more adventurous with it. i felt like -- just based on my own personal thoughts -- i sort of had a duty? as the first author to lay as much groundwork as possible for the why, and that ended up taking away from the actual sex of it all.  

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

this was actually really tough, and i just spent a good hour and a half digging for some quotes that aren’t stop-on-your-heart depressing that stuck with me after i wrote them. so here, from my least angsty fic - 

This is where Harry should be kissing someone he’s only known for a couple of hours, someone pretty with a bright smile who makes his stomach flip when their fingers touch. It could be something new too, maybe if the kiss was good Harry would ask for a date, or a phone number; maybe if the kiss wasn’t that memorable they’d stay friends. Either way, a memory made, a New Year celebrated, a firework of lips and smiles fizzing between him and someone bright, sparkling, new.

Instead, he’s kissing Louis.

Not that Louis doesn’t sparkle; Louis shines, Louis is what the moon gets its light from when the sun doesn’t want to do its job. Louis melts the frost off the world, Louis is the burnished gold of old London and the shiny silver of chrome and glass.

And it’s not that Louis isn’t new, because Louis is ever-changing; Louis is the pattern of the stars in the sky night after night, Louis is tie-dyed freedom, reckless waves against a shore, no beat of the drum the same.

It’s just that this kiss is something new but something old, too. It’s twelve years of friendship with a new sharp edge. It’s a glass mirror broken into new shapes, a mosaic of what was and what is and what will continue to change.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

okay i was looking forward to answering this part. one of my favorite people of all time, kyla @greenadidasjumper, went through and basically live-commented her thoughts on every single chapter of hiding place, usually spanning multiple comments because they were so long. i tried for a while to go through and answer her questions and reply to what she said, but i ended up just reading them over and over and forgetting to answer so now they’re just there in my inbox for whenever i’m sad 💕💕

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

i always have a tough time jumping into something new after i’ve wrapped up a project, and i think the hardest one for me was after been together since way back when. for some reason (maybe because it hit so close to home), that was the hardest fic for me to move on from, and it took a good month or so for me to even be interested in trying anything new. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

most of hiding place, lol. i would start a scene with no clear path and it would usually end up a lot angstier than i’d originally intended. i was also pretty surprised by how much i put into the OCs for been together, they were a lot of fun to write. 

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

well, that’s a good question, lol. i definitely think i’ve found my ~voice, so to speak, and i’m honing in on how i want to write as opposed to what i think others want from me. i’ve also discovered this year that the stuff of mine people tend to like the most are the things i speed-write, which is fascinating because those are the pieces i usually end up doubting the most; either way, i’ve definitely gotten better at churning out 20-30k in a week or so. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’m still trying to strike that balance between narrative voice and character voice, so that’s a big thing for me (especially since my next big project will rely a lot on changing POVs). 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

ooh, well. i’m forever inspired by other authors, and anytime i find a fic that catches my attention it’s like lighting a fire, so whoknows, dolce, zarah (😞), claire, addy and lexy, @a-writerwrites, @lululawrence, cherrystreet, j, @mediawhorefics, @waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee, ellie, @thedarkestlarrie, @banana-louis, @loveloveolivia, @churchrat, @lucystarkid, @juliusschmidt, - i could go on for days, you’re all huge inspirations and i sorta love you all to bits, even if it’s from afar sometimes. also @ravenclawisak was a massive massive help during the final sprint of hiding place, and in fact you can blame her for some of the more Extreme Angst in the final chapters.  

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

it’s actually really funny, looking back, how many fandom interests leaked into the stuff i was writing when it was being discussed -- like when a new famous friend is introduced to the fandom or an old theory or famous story is brought up and discussed. like, for instance, true love’s gold would’ve been massively different if it hadn’t been for harry’s another man shoot. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

reach out to other writers. honestly, i love having a network of authors i can go to with any questions about writing or formatting or even plotting out new projects and throwing headcanons around. authors are also the biggest allies you could ask for when it comes to hyping up your stories; get you someone who’ll reblog your fic post everyday because they’re so proud of you (but you have to do the same for them!! be a good bro). 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

the angel and demon au is going to be a doozy, so that’s one for sure. once that’s finished, though, i have my sights set on basically a whole list of things that’ve been in the back of my mind for months. ALSO idk if j @paynner is ready to go public with this but let me tell you people we have Planned Some Things and it might take us years to do it but when we do it’ll rock some worlds. 😇

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

j have you done this??? you totally should so @paynner... and i’ll add my two coffee girls @coffeelouis and @coffeehazza 😘

*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)