#idk why maybe she had a glitch when she was born

[llama-head]

Sometimes I think no one in the Garcias looks alike then I put all their headshots together and I’m like “oh no they do”

[reversecreek]

ziggy strutting up to me like this gif as i hold up a crucifix n say begone begone vile beast BEGONE from my vicinity i will NOT buy u a happy meal wretched little boy...... some live action rp to start this off..... and SCENE. takes my bow. his pinterest is here n his playlist is here.

* dylan minnette, cis male + he/him  | you know ziggy benson, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of his life? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to hand crushed by a mallet by 100 gecs like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole glitching televisions impaled by remotes, nonchalantly texting the babes as a stove fire ravages your kitchen & cartoons turned up so loud it fries your eardrums thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 24th, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt she/her  )

HISTORY;

from the second ziggy ws born he didnt stop screaming. within the first hours of his life he gave his father an ear splitting headache tht prompted him to say “that uncooked chicken’s fucking demonic” n joke abt popping “it” in the oven to roast. when this understandably received disgusted glances frm the nursing staff he ws all like “jeez alright alright i’m kiddin i’m kiddin can’t a guy have a joke around here?” n i feel like that sets up their dynamic so nice n sweetly <3 (sarcasm) (lips pursed)

frm day one he ws just honestly a rly hyperactive child. when he laughed he’d shriek it out at the absolute top of his lungs bc he’d just get this huge giddy surge of energy all the way to the very tips of his toes n it’d hit him like a shock from a fork in a plug socket. their parenting style ws rly just lazy tbh.... they didn’t have much time for disciplining him. ziggy’s mum wld halfheartedly be like “ziggy quiet now....” n then go bk to nuking whatever vegetables she’d defrosted until they tasted like dinosaur bones..... this wld not make any difference in ziggy’s behaviour

his father rly just took the stance that it ws ziggy’s mum’s job to discipline him or raise him in general which is. 🔪 please enter the 20th century sir.... get ur noggin sorted..... needless to say he wsn’t much involved in ziggy’s life n honestly generally jst didn’t like him. ziggy was a responsibility he didn’t want (accidental prregnancy) n in his literal words once said (blatantly while ziggy ws watching cartoons on the sofa) tht ziggy just “harshes my fucking vibe a lil bit”. 

he wound up leaving when ziggy was six ish.... ziggy watched thru a crack in the blinds as his mum tried to grab at his jacket to make him stay as he lugged out his suitcase..... she even tried to physically cling onto him so he cldn’t get in his ride bt the door wound up slamming n she sat on her knees watching the lights pull out the drive n even long after they were gone. ziggy didn’t rly kno what to do abt this (emotions hd never been smthn he particularly understood, his own or how to handle other people’s) so after watching her fr 5 minutes he went out n gently shook her shoulder n was like. mom come inside u look weird out here. FKGHSFHGSFHKGFHKSGSFGHK. this was him trying to show love <3

ziggy’s mum is like.... rly relationship dependent. she gets all her self worth n validation frm whtever man she’s dating.... so she went on this like.... wild rampage of jst. dating a very large string of men. they ranged frm dreadfully boring to downright awful n were always below her standards. ziggy quite literally hated. all of them. every last one. even one that tried to b nice to him by offering to help him do his math homework when he ws 13 (bc ziggy was struggling a lot w this) n in response ziggy loudly barked until the man gt scared n stumbled backwards into a dining chair on his way out of the room. KGHFHKSJHFJGSHKFG

while him n his mum hv a kind of strained situation (there’s a great deal of resentment from her end n kind of. blaming him fr “driving his father away” n it’s never spoken abt bt it’s very much Present in their relationship n honestly ziggy kind of resents her too fr bringing some of the men into their lives tht she did) there is. love there...... sometimes she’ll like. reach out to cup the back of his head n he’ll duck his head away n be like wtf are u doing checking me for lice? n she’ll jst smile like :)...... knowing that’s how he loves. KHSFGKJGHKSFGFHKGSHF. ugh we love men who know how to process their emotions yesssss king give us nothing <3

(abuse n violence tw) idk i won’t go into it too much bt even tho ziggy’s constantly like 🙄 when his mum shows him affection he wld quite literally. kill fr her n almost did one time.......... narrowly avoided getting charged w assault when one of her bfs was drunk n evil n he went into protective mode.... idk he. has gone thru a lot n seen a lot n so has his mum. they look after each other the best they kno how despite the negatives in their relationship.... it’s complex <3

literally got in trouble so. often. at school. he ws always hyperactive (undiagnosed adhd n also probably not helped by the fact he ws jst allowed to eat sm junk food w 459729457952 sugar percentage all hours of the day) bt when his dad left n like. dealing w acting out so severely at home where his mum’s bfs were concerned it rly escalated..... i jst think he ws like. literally a terror. probably got suspended so many times. maybe even was permanently expelled before he cld get his diploma honestly. set off a firework in school hallway. smthn absolutely reckless n stupid.

hs hd a bunch of jobs mostly in the service industry...... usually ends up getting fired.... worked at mcdonald’s fr a while n then one day he went in rly high n ate three cheeseburgers in front of a weeping child who hd ordered one.... promptly gt fired bt he ws like yo fuck this place i’m quitting n threw off his apron n was like who’s with me??? who’s joining the union??????? to the rest of the staff n they were all mostly like >_> <_< before security approached to forcibly remove him n he grabbed a cookie n crammed it into his mouth in rebellion mid frantic n frankly possessed escape.....

in terms of wht’s going on to this day w his living situation i honestly think he still lives w his mum. i can just see this. KHGFSKGHSFGKSFGH. in like. a ramshackle bungalow in delphinus heights.... having said tht she probably isn’t. there tht often nw she’s dating her latest man (jonas, somehow always sweaty no matter the weather, wears too many gold rings n smells like shoe cleaner) who owns a car dealership n thinks he’s a kingpin for it. still home sometimes tho.

PERSONALITY:

ziggy spends his days working shifts at an ice cream parlour (one he got fired from once bc he broke in high n ate sm ice cream he was lay on the floor in the bk pants unbuttoned stomach bulging sm calling himself garfield saying he had too much lasagna. they hired him bk tho bc he has a harem of middle aged women who lust after him n it brings customers....) or like. cruising parties...... setting off fireworks.... skateboarding...... breaking into abandoned buildings.... filming stupid jackass type tricks....... playing guitar hero...... getting drunk at the arcade..... sometimes busking fr cash in a tossed dwn hat (very badly) (thinks he’s sick at it however)........ or alternatively...... fucking chicks aha...... fuck.......... not exclusive to chicks tho just had to sound despicable bt :smirk: he’s bi Baby.... 

i won’t lie he’s kind of an asshole................ never rly was taught properly how to empathise with ppl so like he struggles w that....... sometimes he’ll say smthn tht’s genuinely just quite mean n doesn’t need to be said but he doesn’t rly realise it’s like bad. n he’s like. what’s the deal haha why are u mad...... 

fuckboy. genuinely jst. rly summarises it well. insatiable. sleeps around wildly. will say he’ll call u back n then will not call u back. lies like oh babe i’m moving to france tomorrow fuckkkkkkkkk sucks so bad that we can only have one night but let’s make it special yeah? tits? n then they’ll see him casually skating past them on the street a week later n be like well clearly he’s not in france. ziggy doesn’t care.

calls himself a “genius inventor” bc he once gutted a vintage analog television n made it into a fish tank. it literally leaked water a bit. still convinced he is a literal visionary never seen before never done again. he’s like i’m on the brink of greatness. i’m the next einstein.

has a bit of a god complex where he thinks he’s the sexiest person in any given room n it’s kind of funny bc like dylan minnette’s sexy to me bt tht isn’t a widespread opinion n ur being a bit bold ziggy...... regardless has confidence thru the roof tht isn’t rly deterred by anything or anyone.....

dyes his hair 49729572459752 colours every colour under the sun. sometimes all at once jst different patches. wears lots of tie dye tshirts n basketball shorts even tho he doesn’t play basketball. rly colourful sneakers. just lots of loud colours tbh. often wears a paper clip in his ear as an earring. pierced it himself. someone probably recorded him doing it fr his insta story. probably was drunk.

drives a vespa around tht is baby blue with pastel yellow polka dots. it has lots of tin cans attached to the back by string like on those cars when u just got married. he did not just get married. u can hear him arriving frm over a street away.

almost never pays fr anything bt is always like “yo it’s my treat” n then either dine n dashes or u have to pay

his idea of romance is nuking a hot pocket as breakfast in bed n then complaining he’s hungry n eating half

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

fuckboy antics: he’s insatiable. rabid. notorious. mayb they fkd n he didn’t call........ jst completely ghosted........ mayb they were genuinely into him n he honestly built up kind of false pretences abt them having a connection n then jst dipped..... cld  b good fr angst n drama <3 someone please egg his house he deserves it <3

high skl heathens: locals tht were equally chaotic in hs..... just picture him having this group of misfits tht were like so loud n always getting up to no good doing god knows what god knows where.... probably gt arrested together breaking into an old abandoned hospital one time........... rly just doing the absolute most at all times............. probably so loud........... drinking n smoking far too much.....

an attempted teenage relationship: i’m like. tentative to even put this one bc i just feel like ziggy wld be a shit bf. KJHGFSHGFHGSFHGFKGHFKSG. but. maybe it ended in drama.....i’d say this wld probably be a girl bc in hs he probably ws less open w his sexuality... maybe ziggy cheated on her or she cheated on him................ angst........ strife.... we love it we love it........ i crash my car into the bridge... i don’t care... i love it... sudden icona pop moment me stood on stage singing karaoke.... it’s just gone 7am as i write this so i apologise if this is losing any. coherency. smiles so sexy....

last adolescent plot i swear: i picture when ziggy was expelled he somehow amassed a large group to protest w signs outside the school fr him to be accepted back. it didn’t work. he threw a party when he received news he hadn’t got back in anyway. maybe ur muse was involved or helped organise this or was violently opposed.

enemies: ppl who just. don’t like ziggy bc like honestly that’s so fair n valid. KJHGFKGHKSFGHSGKHSFHG..... mayb he like. exploded their mailbox one time when they were younger. mayb he skated over their toes. mayb he fucked their bitch aha fuck................. (joking btw) (don’t condone misogyny) (hashtag feminism). cld be fun to play around w

fwb: probably hs a few of these......... mayb they’re cool w things being no strings attached n lax n at ease w ziggy being the mess tht he is in general..... mayb they want more bt ziggy cannot provide...... mayb they literally don’t get on at all n this is their only mutual ground n they keep coming bk to each other.... :smirk:..... whatever u Farncy....

maybe ziggy’s mum dated ur muse’s dad at one point???? we can discuss this if u think it fits..... cld be fun to play around w............

coworkers: past or present r fun..... mayb they were like WTFFF is this guy fking ONNN at a past job (he’s had a few in the food service industry so pretty open in tht area)... mayb they work w him at the ice cream parlour now..... cn discuss the dynamic probably wld be dependent on the muse involved fr like. how he’d act n stuff.... :yum:

[falseinflorescence]

NieR Replicant Ending E speculation. The flower, singularities, etc...

The Twins detecting a “singularity signature” from Kainé:

Ok so what i think is going on here is that obviously Kainé was not meant to remember Nier, that was the whole point of Ending D, and during the battle against the Kaine copies Emil shows up and gives Kainé dejavu about fighting alongside someone else and she tries to remember Nier. This piques the twins interest and they remark detecting a “unusual phenomena-fluctuation” and “singularity signature” coming from  Kainé, apparently spurred by Kainé’s attempt to remember Nier.

What the twin ai’s are sensing is Kainé’s potential to create a new “branch” in the timeline. “Singularities” being a term first introduced to the series in Drakengard 3 as Accord observes events in that game and how they splinter off at certain points.

(https://drakengard.fandom.com/wiki/Singularities)

Skipping forward to the end of the Hook battle, Kaine and Weiss deliver a powerful magic attack to finish the fight:

The twins are also affected by the magic blast and begin to disappear, their final words being VERY interesting!

“Possible futures are.... blending with the time we currently inhabit!”, this is in reference to the singularity signature they had detected earlier, Kaine has just created a new “branch”, Ending E. They can sense all the new possibilities in this new world Kaine has led them to.

“The light...”. This line is intriguing! This is likely a reference to the blast of light from the singularity that’s occurring at that moment.

But i do feel the need to bring up the “light” mentioned just 10 days before NieR Replicant’s release in Final Fantasy XIV during part 3 of YoRHa Dark Apocalypse. The final battle of this raid series has us fight the furthest evolution of the Machine Network: The False Idol.

There’s a lot going on in this raid series and it does connect with Replicant in some interesting ways so if you’d like to see my HEAVILY biased and speculative recap of it i’ll link it below. 

(https://twitter.com/Crescent_Nex/status/1384554369337552897)

But the important part for now is that the False Idol also mentions a “light”. Partway through the battle. She will look up toward a magic gate and exclaim “Let the light in!” before disappearing into the gate herself. This process seemingly results in the False Idol undergoing a further evolution and becoming Her Inflorescence, the Machine Network’s attempt to create a Mother Angel!

Is this the “light” the twins are referencing? Idk. Possible futures are blending together in that moment when Kaine creates a new branch, so maybe they saw something in the future that really got their interest. The “light” could be any number of things, evolution, the magic gate, other worlds... or just the literal blast of light that engulfed them lol.

“I hear a song...” Terrifying. My first thoughts are that they hear a Mother Angel’s song in one of these possible futures. 

In YoRHa Dark Apocalypse, a canon story to the wider Drakenier universe, we even see the machines try and copy a Mother Angel’s song.

Maybe during thee moment of the singularity occurring, when they had a glimpse into all the possible futures to come, they saw a Mother Angel singing in one of them and would eventually try and mimic them. Idk.

I say specifically from the “future” because the Divine Tree already has all the knowledge of the past, so it should already know about the Grotesquerie Queen from Drakengard 1′s Ending E. Meaning if it hears a song during the singularity... then it heard it probably heard a new song in the future! Imo at least.

The Giant Flower:

Why is there a giant flower here? Well it's described as "techno-organic" in the novella, and called a “Lunar Tear” in the script, and the digital space we just left was shaped like the inside of a flower so this is likely just another form of plant/machinery fusion at work originating from the Forest of Myth.

(https://nier.fandom.com/wiki/The_Lost_World)

And given that we find Kaine holding a newly reborn Nier at it's center this probably has something to do with the origins of replicants or at least the process of how they're created.

Something that adds further weight to this conjecture is the little known fact that during the period of time when Legion was still around, replicants that became Red Eyes and were killed would leave behind something shaped like a egg.... or a “seed”, if you would. So... if replicants are born from a flower, well it wouldn’t be too big a stretch to imagine they might leave behind a seed of some kind under the proper circumstances. 

(https://nier.fandom.com/wiki/Red_Eye)

Another thing, Her Inflorescence, the final boss of YoRHa Dark Apocalypse and the furthest known evolution of N2, sprouts from a "Seed" and blossoms to grow dozens of lunar tears atop her head, and given that you can trace back the origins of N2 in some form to the Forest of Myth well....

We also know Machine Cores (and by extension YoRHa Black Boxes) are plant like too, just like The Forest of Myth.

I think a lot of longtime fans have felt like there's been a growing amount of evidence that the Machines are influenced and/or evolving into Watchers and may be the origins of "The Black Flower" from Drakengard 3 in some way, but  that's just speculation at this point. Who knows. You do you, i aint gonna snipe you for it.

Disclaimer: I do not profess that any of this is canon, these are just my own thoughts in written form, please do not attack me or snipe me or whatever the lore masters do whenever they see a lowly person like me think thoughts for hot minute.

Disclaimer 2.0: I wrote up a more detailed version of this post almost immediately after i beat the game but for some reason tumblr glitches out EVERY TIME i try and edit it to add more or just post it publicly. I give up. I’ve broken down the thing into this.

[indi-indigo-loves-barley]

The Beginning - Chapter 1

[Mod Arts: A little fanfic about how Barley and Indi met/got together. Complete fluff with a side of mild family issues. Rating: PG-13  Word Count: 1631]

“Barley’s chill,” Monica assured as she clicked a few times on her computer. Watching her as she did this, Indi bit her lip. She had been playing Quests of Yore with her online friends for years, bringing someone new into the bunch made her feel slightly queasy. What if he judged her? What if he made fun of her?

Indi didn’t have another moment to worry because suddenly the boy was there in a loud flurry. His one liner (that she had missed) managed to make both Kyle and Liam laugh; Monica gave him a pity chuckle. “Tough crowd,” the boy tsk-ed before acknowledging Indi, “so you don’t have a funny bone Indigo Girl?”

Indigo Girl. 

There was no malice behind the words –no intent to hurt or belittle– he was simply interacting with her like he would any other person. Her chest unconstricted and she smiled slightly. “Naw, I do, I just have a little more class,” she joked back and he chuckled in return. In fact, everyone had laughed at her joke, including Monica.

“So why have I never met m’lady before,” Barley asked, raising a dramatic eyebrow and Indi’s mood fell. The light, fluttery feeling dropped from her stomach. This was always the elephant in the room.

“I-Im sick… can’t go out…” Indi stuttered out quietly. Barley’s face immediately fell with hers and he sat back, his mood significantly changed.

“Oh… how sick?” He looked like a lost puppy. Indi chewed on her bottom lip before speaking. Why was he so torn up about this?

“Just Anemia… but it can get really bad some days. I get dizzy spells, bouts of random tiredness, random upset stomachs, and exercise is a bitch. My moms have decided it’s easier to keep me inside.” His face seemed to lighten a degree, but not back to its original state.

“Forever,” Kyle snorted out. The word hung in the air and Indi sucked on her bottom lip harder, she could see the cogs working in Barley’s head. She could see the moment he realized she had pretty much never seen the outside world.

“Well I get out for doctors appointments…” she finally spoke up.

“Enough of the chatter,” Monica finally chimed in looking bored. Indi knew it was an act, Monica was like an older sister to her, they would always look out for each other. “I wanna play some Quests of Yore.”

“Oh, of course,” Indi piped up, grateful for the distraction, “this new campaign is gonna put y’all through it!” She started pulling out her Quests of Yore journal and flipping through it, till she landed on her newest writing. “Sabotage, spies, amnesia, Civil Wars!” Liam and Kyle groaned, they never liked the complicated stuff. 

As Indi started to DM the session she got a private message from Barley. Accepting the friend request sent along with it, she opened it. I’m sorry. She stared at the text as rehearsed words poured from her mouth. She stared until she couldn’t any longer because she needed to look at her notes for prompting.

~ ~ ~

The text was left unreplied to for three whole days. Barley had begun to wonder if he had said the wrong thing, if maybe she now hated him. It was late on the third day when he had opened the chat again to check –he always worried that his notifications might glitch and he’d never know she even replied– upon opening the chat he found she was typing. Suddenly she stopped, after a long pause she started again, only to stop. Sighing he turned off his phone and flung it on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm. Five minutes later the phone went off. 

Snatching up it he turned on the lock screen to look, it was probably Kyle or Liam wanting to play online. He nearly dropped the phone when he realized it was a text from Indi. Immediately, he unlocked his phone to read it. What had she said?

I don’t know how to reply to this… I’ve tried for a bit, but I just can’t. Originally I had typed up this great message about how it was okay, and how it was for the better. But to be honest, I hate it. I feel like Rapunzel locked up in here. I don’t know what it’s like to be a normal… and that sucks. IDK why I’m telling you all this… but you seemed like you sincerely cared, so I thought you should sincerely know.

Barley drank in the text, he read it over and over until the words were burnt into his brain. How was he supposed to reply to this? He couldn’t just give her a throw away answer like ‘that sucks’, he wasn’t that type of guy. He genuinely cared. She had spilt her guts to him because she thought he genuinely cared.

And he was going to prove it.

Like what? He sent back.

Huh? She replied.

What normal things have you missed? There was a long pause as she typed up a list, but this time she typed furiously.

Stargazing, driving, going to playgrounds, hanging upside down in a tree, going to ice cream shops, just walking down the sidewalks.

Twisting up his mouth Barley stared at the text and honestly tried not to cry. This girl hadn’t had basic childhood experiences. She was a prisoner in her own house, not a child. Finally he texted back: What are you doing later tonight?

Why??? She answered back.

Just wondering.

That’s not weird.

Just answer me.

Nothing.

He smirked, this was it, he was going to help her tick off her list one thing at a time, starting with stargazing. Video call at 8pm-ish?

Sure?

Good, was all he replied before setting down his phone with a grin. Everything was in place for a perfect plan.

When 8 o’clock finally rolled around Barley started a call and Indi immediately picked up. “Which way does your room window face,” he asked.

“This is getting really creepy, are you gonna come kidnap me,” she joked back.

“No.”

“North.”

“Coolio.” Barley threw open his window and managed to scramble out of it, before Indi realized something was happening.

“What are you doing,” she was half laughing and half terrified.

“Climbing to the roof,” Barley grunted as he hoisted himself up. “There.” Refocusing the phone on his face he smiled and Indi gave him a real laugh.

“Barley, you are the strangest boy I’ve ever met.”

“Say what you must,” he joked back before settling on the northern hemisphere. “Are you looking out your window?” He watched as she shuffled around, and then he caught a glimpse of her room.

It seems lonelier than he imagined; white walls, neat bookshelf, the bed crisp and made, nothing on the floor (from what he saw). He stared a little too long, lost in thought and missed her words. She repeated them and he finally focused on the moment, but his stomach rolled.

“I’m at my window.” He caught her words this time around and plastered a grin on for her.

“Okay. See those five stars just to the right? They make a zig-zag line?”

“Yeah,” Indi breathed out looking up on her end.

“That’s Cassiopeia. And the right next to it, those four stars on the right, that’s Andromeda's legs. Ursa Major and Ursa Minor are out too, off to the left there.”

“I cannot believe you,” Indi suddenly laughed. Her voice held no tension, only great humor. “You’re trying to take me stargazing.”

“Well, yeah. I-I thought I could help you live out your dreams you know? Tomorrow we can hang upside down from a tree, and once I get Guinevere up and running we can go driving too!” Barley was blushing slightly, he didn’t know why, but he felt anxious voicing his plan.

“Oh,” Indi’s cheeks flushed and he noted how he liked that, it brought some color to her face. “I-I’d like that.” They sat in silence for a short time before Indi bit her lip and spoke.

“So, Guinevere?”

“Yeah,” Barley piped up. “Sweet van, automatic, roomie in the back. She needs a lot of work though; new breaks, the back lights are shot, a spark plug needs replacing too. Oh and I totally have to repaint her, tan is not her color.”

“Sounds like a real junk heap,” Indi giggled, “why did you even bother to buy it?”

“Her,” Barley corrected and they laughed together for a bit. Once the laughter died down he said, “I thought it’d be a nice summer project, you know. Make my own car, then it’ll really be mine. And so Guinevere was born.”

“No yet,” Indi corrected, “once you fix her up she’ll be born. And we will have cake, and party hats. It’ll be a grand birthday.” They chuckled together and suddenly Indi let out a big yawn. “Whelp, that’s my cue for sleep, I have to make sure I get what I can. It helps to be rested.”

“Of course,” Barley nodded.

“Thanks. See you tomorrow after school?”

“Yeah! We have a tree to climb.” Smiling at each other they hung up. Climbing back down and into his room Barley grinned to himself. He was saving Rapunzel from her tower.

~ ~ ~

As Indi went through her night time ritual to get ready for sleep, she thought about Barley. Why was he being so nice to her? She had originally thought pity, but tonight he proved her wrong. There was no pity in his eyes, there was only a caring glow. If it wasn’t pity, then what was it? What made this boy care so much about her?

Lying down in her bed Indi stared at the ceiling for a while before falling into sleep.

[oodlyenough]

aight... here’s a pretty long yet tip-of-the-iceberg collection on my overall thoughts on bl3 now that i’ve finished the damn thing, every main mission & every sidequest (dynasty dash don’t interact). 

obviously mega spoilers

the good

aside from that one infuriating difficulty spike when i arrived on promethea, i had a lot of fun playing. i found the gameplay a lot smoother than the others in the series (as it should be), i liked being able to climb stuff, i liked having an easy mode tbh!!

i really liked playing amara and i like the flexibility of action skills and being able to swap on the go without having to respec. the brawl tree ended up being very well suited to my type of play, it hindered me only during boss fights and even then at least i could switch to phasecast y’know

i had a lot of big fears about what this game would do and it managed to not do anything that makes me want to, like, burn and salt the earth, so that’s a win

i thought it was pretty funny! or at least on par with the other main games, which always kind of ride the line between funny and obnoxious and sometimes misstep

i enjoyed a lot of the cast, both new characters and characters who were returning but who i had no particular feelings about before, hammerlock, zer0 and ellie as particular examples

hammerlock and wainwright were cute af and it’s nice to see a gay couple in a triple-a game 

thought the twins were fun and funny af i liked them. because fandom is Like That i was a little exhausted by troy before he even showed up but even then, like, idk i liked them as a duo and i liked the break from jack honestly 

a lot of the new gun quirks were fun. i’m not like a big... gun person... but i found some cool ones i enjoyed playing with. 

loved getting to see different planets, it was a nice break from pandora all the time. and skywell was super fun! love the low-grav playfulness from TPS without the infuriating oz kit nonsense

the little quality of life improvements from previous games were great, like fast travel from anywhere, auto-refilling ammo, etc

some of the side quests were really fun. i liked the ratch quest for rhys, the birthday party quest for mordecai, the claptrap dancing quest was sweet, the buff movie buff quest was fun, the quest where i killed grandpappy 2 seconds in and got a reward was funny as hell esp because i drove off a cliff by accident, etc

lots of people had really bad glitches and stuff but... honestly can’t relate the game ran very well for me. advantages to not marathoning it before they’ve released their first couple patches, i guess, lol 

the less good

i played a solo amara and there are some bosses that seem like they would’ve been pure hell to do alone... i was lucky and able to phone a friend for a lifeline in those scenarios (shoutout to @heavybreathingcatt and @valoscope) but if i couldn’t do that idk i would’ve just broken my controller in rage i guess lmao 

why is resurrecting each other so hard? i don’t think i’ve ever done it successfully, because it takes too long and more importantly bc while i’m doing it some enemy will just toss a grenade or punch me and i get knocked away from the ally, rendering it useless

rest in peace maya, the best res AI in the whole damn game, got me through the rampager fight her damn self

there were a lot of characters and themes and ideas that i liked in theory more than in practice... because in practice they felt like a first draft. very often i felt like i liked a thing, and then on reflection thought about nine hundred ways it could’ve been better, deeper, more emotionally resonant, more developed, whatever. 

the angel stuff was kinda nice but... also... my longest deepest sigh ever @ Poor Sad Jack Some People Terrorize Entire Planets And Abuse Their Daughters To Cope With Their Fridged Wife

like the siren lore... wish i coulda heard it without having to backtrack across every map post-game

while i found the game generally pretty funny,  almost all the emotional scenes fell completely flat for me and there were a number of scenes that SHOULD have been emotional that just were not 

for eg i am actually not upset about maya or lilith dying (or turning into the moon as it were) -- i am ok with those beats for those characters, especially lilith getting a heroic sendoff. however... both of those scenes could’ve been more impactful than they were. maya’s i think was better than lilith’s, but both of them felt flatter, either in the moment or in the aftermath, than those characters deserved. 

related: NPCs reacting to major events is fun. i liked to do the tour and check in with all my buds to get their couple custom lines after a big plot thing happened. HOWEVER... those lines are obviously timed which is *mostly* fine but in some cases really, really weird? the lines about maya should stay in rotation for a lot longer. ava shouldn’t go back to LOL LET’S STEAL two seconds after maya’s gone. i missed zer0′s maya lines entirely bc i didn’t track down zer0 on time lol. stuff like that 

the bad

i miss my girls :( we really did keep only the white men huh

the last act felt severely underbaked. i have to wonder how many rewrites this game went through, and how much the back end was slapped together last minute, or cobbled together from various drafts. a lot of this felt very first or second draft, where the characters and themes are *there* but not refined at all, or they contradict each other. the family theme that goes basically nowhere and says nothing. the way the story handles atlas vs the way the story handles jakobs vs the way the story handles corporations writ large. 

for the twins -- lack of proper emotional resonance or development for them is one of the biggest failures imo, because i think they WERE very enjoyable villains and the core concept of like... evil video game streamers is honestly on-brand and funny af for the franchise... but as soon as troy died everything went downhill? tyreen’s non-reaction to her brother dying isn’t even a reaction, it’s not even “tyreen doesn’t care she’s evil lol” which would’ve been a boring direction to take anyway) it’s just.... “we barely wrote a response don’t worry about it”. her endgame is to be a big monster because... she’s ... fame hungry? huh? her motivation fell apart.w whether they went with “troy and tyreen are shitty people who get caught up in a power struggle but ultimately love each other” OR “troy and tyreen are shitty people who turn against each other in individual bids for power” could both have been interesting stories but they did neither. 

i’m def missing some echos on the twins which brings me to another thing i hate although it’s endemic to the series and not to bl3 specifically -- hiding important lore and characterization in random echos in random places on the map without even an indication of how many there are total, how many you’ve collected, where to find them... frustrating as hell. a lot of those echos are some of my favourite material in the game! at LEAST tell me “1 of 5 echos on this map” if you don’t wanna tell me where they are! why is major lore like the twins’ backstories hidden?????? 

and bc i haven’t heard them i don’t know if it’s fandom doing what fandom always does, or if it really is the game implying tyreen is The Evil Mastermind and troy is poor manipulated brother, but either way fuck that entire noise lmao of course the women of colour in the series are just Born Evil but jack and troy and whoever else are just Sad :( fuck off actually 

typhon... sucks... what an irritating character. irritating to retcon him in as The First Vault Hunter, irritating to have him talk about shit and sex all the time, irritating to have every established NPC be like oh wow my HERO typhon deleon what a HERO i LOVE him, irritating that we skate over his parenting failures, irritating that he has a fridged beloved wife, ESPECIALLY irritating he gets a memorial sidequest and maya didn’t . just. bad.

aurelia is evil now cause reasons... bad... 

vaughn also bad lmao i can’t believe they made amara yell “blood feud”... disgusting... 

the playable had no role in the story. they’re just a fly on the wall in every cut scene. this is whack in general, and a crit i can apply to all of the main borderlands games, however it is extremely jarring to play amara in a siren-heavy game and have no one acknowledge it. 

OVERALL... I guess like a B-? Maybe a B. I had fun playing it and I’m still having fun running around in Mayhem Mode and I am def looking forward to the DLCs. Gameplay is great. But while I had hoped this installment would take the storytelling of the main games a step further, it actually felt like a step back in virtually every respect. 

[briteboy]

LITERALLY SO MANY QUESTIONS AND THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THEM 

lmao RIP me (now u know why i take so long to answer)

do you know the game what remains of edith finch? its really fantastic, I just finished the part with lewis, his whole situation with reality reminded me of santi. just wanted to tell you :)

surprisingly no i haven’t ever heard of it! :O but now i’m intrigued, i googled it and i’m reading up on it hehe thank you for telling me, u learn something new every day :~}

Hello femmesim! I'm a new simblr & I see you get a lot of notes on your great story! I guess this probably means you have a lot of followers too. I was wondering if you follow them all back. If not do you check out your followers & how do you decide which ones to follow back? What don't you like. What would make you unfollow them? Oops that was a lot lol!

iiiiiiiii honestly haven’t even looked at my actual followers page in a loooooong time, even on my personal blog i was never good with that lol. i just can’t keep up with everyone and i don’t want to feel obligated to follow everyone back because that would be way too many posts on my dashboard all the time y’know. it sounds mean but...ajksdgdsf i WISH i could follow everyone back but itsjustnotrealistic

tbh i follow people back when they reach out to me, make an effort to engage with me, send me messages, reply, or just frequently interact with my posts because it gets my attention and shows their personality. i don’t mean that as in like...”you can’t be my friend unless you give me notes” (LMFAO NO) i mean it as in like i’m fcking oblivious and it’s too much work for me to go out of my way and check out every single blog that follows me :{ but i love messaging and communicating through replies so even if you’re nervous pleeeease step out of your comfort zone, i promise i’m like a pretty good OK human being and i try to make funny jokes so talking to me isn’t that bad i promise.

as for your other questions...tbh i dunno, i like blogs that interest me. (duh...lmao what kind of answer even is that) i usually go for people that show their personalities in their posts (go figure), like memes (lmfao), have an intriguing aesthetic, HONESTLY IDK...i follow a lot of diverse blogs tbh, not just ones that are similar to mine. i only unfollow ppl if i have no memory of following them and their content doesn’t interest me, if they say/do something that irks or angers me (that’s only happened like twice tho), or if they post like EXCESSIVE nsfw...i didn’t sign up for that lmao

i hope i don’t sound like an asshole for all this but it’s just like...i can’t deny i get a lot of attention on here. and i never expected it so i’m pretty unprepared for it lmao. i try my best tho :{ just reach out to me and we’ll probably be frands ok

so many feelings

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog but to the Anon who said how she looks white if she's Hispanic. Not all hispanics are brown haired and tan. I'm Puerto Rican and I'm blonde and have blue eyes. Hispanics come in different tones and what nots :)

hell0 thank you <3 yeah hispanic people are very diverse, especially with varying nationalities, and especially with puerto ricans. i personally know a lot of puerto ricans who are white passing so it’s really not that uncommon. everyone’s different, and as eir said, white passing POC are still POC!

papa ya - sunny ; thats your song boo lol

OOH i actually like this...i’m boppin my head rn lmao thank u

So basically the last anon is saying hispanics can't be 'white'? I know many 'white' hispanics???

i don’t wanna twist their words, i think they just meant molly looks ethnically white and i understand that, i’m not denying she’s white passing but tbh...idk, if she wasn’t my own sim i’d look at her and kinda know she’s not 100% white y’know. she has features that don’t look european. plus the fact that i’ve posted her speaking spanish before soooo. anyway yeah it’s very possible for a hispanic person to literally have white skin but that doesn’t mean they’re ethnically white

well if she has family from spain it's normal for them to have blonde hair and green eyes, so i mean that could make sense.

she could, who’s to say lol. it’s rly not that deep tho, she’s half white, half puerto rican, das it. but yeaah there is a wide array of genetic possibilities for every race! who’da thunk it

Hey, I'm a new reader, is it possible you could link some earlier parts to your story. You don't have to if it's problem though I know how tumblr be. I love the visuals style of your sims. That's what caught my eye. I also was wondering what editing program would you suggest. I kinda want to test out editing my sims.

heyo i summed up the story here and here and there’s a lot of posts of key events linked in there! thank you though, that’s so kind ;-; <3 wellll the only editing program i use is photoshop cs6 so i’d recommend that haha. you can find it for free pretty easily, but if you’re not into that, there are plenty of other programs you can use. i know a lot of ppl on here use gimp. 

hi! I need advice and idk where to get it from but you seem like a really good person who has some wisdom lol! so basically i'm in a big financial situation. I had a good paying job but it made me have anxiety and panic attack because i hated it so much. and i quit my job before i had another job lined up. So my bank account is very close to being completely empty and i have bills and i have to move soon. I NEED ADVICE OR SOMEONE TO TELL ME ITS GOING TO BE OK.

omg first of all i’m so touched that you even came to me with this wtf ;___; ily

second of all it IS going to be ok, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you hate if it’s really impeding on your mental health that much. it’s not good for you in the long run, even if it pays well. like, at what cost do you want to sell yourself in order to make money? my point is you made a good decision but lacked the foresight, which luckily is something that can be remedied easily. (well...hopefully, but job hunting is never easy :\ ) if you’re still in this situation by the time your bills and everything catch up to you, you can always seek help from family and friends or look into loans...find someone (or multiple people) who will stick by you and support you through this, because this is something way too hard to do alone. (if you don’t have anyone, i’m here for you ;-; ) i honestly don’t have any good advice for finding another job because tbh that’s something i always flounder in, and i’m gonna have to do the same thing by the time i finish up school in the next month AHHHHH

i’m prayin 4 both of us, but you especially <3

Hi!!! sorry i remember seeing an ask about Lou's eyelashes but i cannot find it :((( could you please tell me where can i find it???

hey she just uses the kijiko ones! sometimes if it’s a closeup i use these eyelash brushes tho

hi! sorry, this is a weird question but i thought you could help maybe.... i recently started playing ts4 again, but when i am in cas, there is a weird shine on all cc hairs.... do you have a solution for this? thank you in advance!

hmmmmm i kinda get a weird shiny glitch too but it’s only with certain things, and it’s usually remedied by clicking on the sim’s different outfit categories until it goes away lol. but if it’s on ALL of the hairs...hmm...i’m assuming you’re talking about alpha? because i don’t think clay hairs usually have that problem. check if laptop mode is on, if it is, turn it off!! that’s the only solution i can think of :{

i feel like too many people are reading too deeply into things. either way i love your work and just read the entire thing in a day and i love you so much idek.

i think this was sent when i was getting messages about my dialogue haha. i mean i definitely understand their points in saying it has too many realistic vocal quirks, but tbh that’s what i like about it, and i think that’s part of the reason people connect with it. idk. but thank you so much ily ;__;

hi i just wanted to ask how do you manage your time and how do you post frequently without feeling overworked and overwhelmed ? do you have some sort of schedule, because you seem very organized lol . tysm for answering <3 !

hmmmmm how? um poorly LMAO

no but really...it’s hard. i’m glad i’m so into this story/eager to see all your reactions to it because otherwise the chaos of my life would’ve definitely deterred me from moving along with it a while ago. that’s basically the reason i’m so surprised i even made it this far tbh. i accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. ;__;

i don’t have an answer for this question because i DO often feel overwhelmed and i have to take a step back and remind myself it’s not the end of the world if i don’t have time to go in game or edit or whatever. i think it’s because i set up this timeline for myself in terms of goals i want to reach with my story throughout the rest of the year and i get frustrated with myself when those plans become delayed because of other obligations. (for example i definitely thought baby wallace would’ve been born by now lmao syke) i was getting burnt out very easily before, which is why i’ve been taking it slower lately (that and i’ve been working a lot more so i don’t have as much free time as i used to :\ ) the good thing about having different characters tho is that when i get burnt out on one thing i can just switch over to another thing at an opportune time (which is what i’ve always done with santi and girooni)

anyway yeah i am kinda organized (in my own weird way) in terms of story planning, controlling the pacing and key events, and that’s definitely the reason i’m able to post so frequently. i used to have multiple free days a week where i could go in game for long amounts of time and get lots of scenes done at once, but at this point in my current schedule i just basically go in game whenever i'm free from the clutches of capitalism (jk we’re never free save us bernie) which means i only have time to do like one thing in game but it seems to be working just as well so far.

.............i’m how i wrote a novel to answer this

im glad i pretty much got it. i can really relate to everything going on. i can see a lot of myself in santi and molly & i get it. the movies make you think you fall in love and everythings fixed like they fill that void in your soul and i mean sure they fill parts of it but you need to do that yourself and not rely on someone else. Your story is real and you can tell your writing from personal experience because theres so much feeling. u think ur fixing urself and u end up more hurt in the end

i’m so glad you can relate ;-; i think that’s one of my proudest accomplishments so far. i mean santi has always been relatable for me because he IS me...or at least partly me, just like all my characters are. but i never thought anyone else would feel the same way, so it means so much to me that people enjoy him as a character because of that.

anyway YES exactly. i hate the “no one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself” mentality, i think it’s a toxic way of looking at the benefits of genuine self love. the sentiment behind it is true, but it’s a backwards way of looking at it. someone’s else’s love shouldn’t be your motivation, your own love toward yourself should be your motivation. when you look at it in the other way, you do end up getting more hurt in the end.

lol anons back the frick off, that scene is perfect, santi is perfect, sunny is perfect, the stuttering is perfect THIS BLOG IS FREAKIN PERFECT

oMG i appreciate the support, but i don’t blame those people for having issues with my dialogue hahahha. i know it’s kind of different and weird but it just feels right for me when i write it so i go with it. i rly like santi’s stuttering tho so *shrugs* THANK YOU THO ILY <333

hey! I was wondering if you have any tips on making(?) light leaks in photoshop? idk if you've answered this already bc I'm on mobile, buT if u have I'll just check when I get on my computer next !!! Thanks !

ummM I DON’T ACTUALLY because i get all my light leaks off google lmao. i have a folder of all the ones i’ve collected over time lmao

you could probably easily make some with the paintbrush in overlay mode with varying opacities tho? i’ve tried to replicate this a few times actually, but the rest of the time i just use light leaks made by other people lol

Do you enjoy more playing the game or taking the photos/making the story? Do you play challenges?

LATELY i’ve been just enjoying playing the game because i’ve gotten burnt out on story things and just playing is such a nice break from it haha. whenever i have to wait in game for it to be a certain time of day for story purposes, i go play with girooni for a few sim hours to pass the time and it’s fun for me lmao. i’m looking forward to my story winding down so i can get back to doing more gameplay things like i did before but at the same time i’ll always do at least something story related because i like the sense of direction it gives y’know.

i’ve never actually tried any challenges, not even just regular old legacies because i would always either get sick of the sims i was playing with or get too attached to them and not want to go to a new generation lmao. i was never interested in any challenges tbh. i like watching other people do bachelor(ette) challenges tho heheh

WHEN DID SANTI BECOME SUCH A STRONK BOI also you are so sweet we don't deserve you??? You are a blessing I love you thank you for doing this aaaaa ;;; you are an inspiration I hope I can do what you do too! OK BYE HAVE A NICE DAY ❤️❤️❤️

OMG HE’S ALWAYS BEEN SECRETLY STRONK (i’m assuming this is about how he beat ugly stepdad to a pulp lmao) he mostly gets his strength from anger and an adrenaline rush. a BLESSING WHAT!!!!!! YOU’RE SO SWEET ILY ;__; don’t thank me, i’m just doin what i love <3 have a nice day/night/rest of your life ily

But why are ur anons so needy lol isn't that like ur third one angry that u haven't responded

ugh i feel bad because i get it, i do, i understand it hurts when you reach out to someone multiple times and you get ignored, but i don’t do it on purpose and i have explained, many times, the plenty of valid reasons why i can’t respond to 100% of my messages. i’m actually trying to answer all of my message right now with these mass answer posts and it’s REALLY a lot for me to go out of my way and do this. so i’m trying ok. but like i’m only a person ajhsdghjdfjhk i can only give so much attention to this y’know. please be patient

from this moment on we should all proceed to take cautions around ppl named dan.... TAINTED

I KNO RIGHT...dan is such an ugly boring name (no offense to the dans of the world) but like if you’re a dane you’re probably evil or are the human embodiment of cardboard

I can not say it enough. Great story. It's life. And life is beautiful, loving, refreshing and sometimes it can be harsh & scary. You take the good with the bad. I look forward to what comes next. --"Run away, run far away" nony (I have to start thinking of new tag line, because I am diggin Santi and Lou together) :)

HELLO FRIEND i kinda love that you keep coming back ehehe. and i’m glad you’re enjoying it so much ;___; these words are so kind and genuine, thank you so much <3333 OMG i’m glad you like santou as well even though they’re on a slow decline right now. i’m really excited about what i have planned in the future tho

omggggg my theory is the first one on that list you posted!! i'm so happy for that but also sad bc of what's going on with molly and santi and i hope that santi will finally just be happy soon. love you and your sims (except step dad dan) 💕💕

OOH HELLO YES you basically guessed everything that happened up until this point hahaha congratulations <33 santi will be happy...eventually. it’s going to be a long hard road in getting there tho. i hope you’ll all be satisfied in the end

fuck you dan stepdad

[starnova-between-two-worlds]

I’m holding on...but why is everything so heavy?

Music: Heavy/Battle Symphony/Iridescent-Linkin Park (so much Chesterspam today...) 

So um.

I was cut from the marine research team I had been so ecstatic to be accepted on...

Specifically, I was cut because they could not accomodate my conditions, and my conditions could not accomodate them. 

Receiving the acceptance letter to be on that team--my first real research team, working with a real scientific organization in my area, doing real research to put together in a real presentation to present to real scientists--was one of the greatest days of my life. And finding out that I had to be cut loose because I could not mentally or emotionally keep up with the schedule was one of the worst. The very worst. On that day, I realized just how much of a mathematical error, a glitch in the programming, something that simply should not exist I really was. And I genuinely considered removing myself from the equation. I started thinking about chemical lobotomy and ECT. Maybe if I drugged the crazy out of me, I could be a real human being. Maybe if I shocked the crazy out of me, I would get to be a scientist. Not only that, but I could finally be a real person in general. Maybe I’d be able to drive. Get a job. Get off assistance and have real medical insurance. Have a boyfriend, a husband...maybe it would all come when I shocked the crazy out of me. 

Yeah. It’s not like that. And I was promptly talked out of it. There’s too many risks. For one thing, it’s a process done under general anesthesia and my dad’s surgery and his description of what it’s like to be under general anesthesia has effectively rendered me terrified of it. For another thing, the memory loss. You don’t exactly get to pick which brain cells get caught in the crossfire. I could be losing some important pieces. Entire chunks of my brain gone forever. How can you be a scientist with entire chunks of your brain gone? Idk, ask my hero, Tannis. And then there’s taking people like Tannis, and my other soulbonds, into account.

Personally? Nothing will convince me that my soulbonds are coming out of my head. They are separate entities from me entirely, who have taught me things I never would have known without them, who have done things for me that I didn’t think other human beings did for eachother, who have shown me that emotions and feelings and love exists that I never got to experience for myself before I knew them. Maybe they’re hyper-dimensional beings, created by the minds of those who dwell in this physical, corporeal universe. Maybe they’re spiritual entities of some sort. My more religious acquaintances like to think they may be angels. The tulpa subreddit describes them and people like them as “mental companions created by focused thought and recurrent interaction.” They aren’t “headmates.” They aren’t “alters.” I would argue with you till the world ends if you told me they are products of my mental state at all. 

That being said, knowing what I do now about my mental state and what schizotypal is a part of (I learned some SHIT and some STUFF last week, guys), I still do not want to take that motherfucking risk, however miniscule it may be. So no, I will NOT be putting substances into my head or hooking it up to machines. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to have to do what I have been doing all of my life, and just keep going. I’ll keep seeing where my independent research project on ecotonal songbirds, which I’ve been keeping up for a month now, is going to take me. It’d be nice if it did take me somewhere. I really am making a lot of breakthroughs with that project. I’m actually making discoveries. I did not start this project intending to make any actual discoveries, and yet here I am, making discovery after discovery after discovery. At the end of the summer, I was going to bring it in to the ornithologist at my school. But my guardians told me I should bring it to my environmental professor first, as he knows me personally, I have a class with him and therefore he’s more accessible, and he has connections to the organizations that might be interested in a project like  that. So I’ve got that. Without my other project, I’ll have plenty of time to keep it up.

I just hope it gets me somewhere. Anywhere. Please let me be a scientist. I’ve failed at everything else. I’ve got nothing else in this world left to be...

I feel as though there isn’t a single person in the world who has utterly failed at being human as much as I have. Even my dad’s wife, who it turns out has full-blown antisocial personality disorder by the DSM (rather than the suspected narcissistic personality disorder, but more on that later on), has at least managed to keep a place in the world by luring in a husband who has taken care of her for 40 fucking years. Honestly, if that’s what it’s going to take for me to secure a place in the world as well, I’d rather just not have a place in the world at all. If I ever become like her, if I ever destroy a life the way she has destroyed every single life around her (mine included), I would rather just not continue to exist as a human being. But that means that there’s a possibility that I am just going to continue to fail, and fail, and fail... 

I’ve decided that I’m going to keep on trying, and trying, and trying, until I am at least 40 years old. 15 years from now, if I’m still nothing in the world, if none of my research ever goes anywhere, if every single aspiration and prospect I’ve ever had has turned to dust, if I’m still completely unable to keep up with human life by the time I am 40 years old, and if absolutely nothing has changed at all between now and those 15 years from now, then I will take it as an understanding that the human world was simply not made for people like me, and check myself out of it. I know that I was born into the wrong world. I know that the fact that I am here at all is on account of some kind of glitch in reality. But yet I’m here. I was born into this world and now I’ve got to live here, and now I’ve got to make it here. Somehow. But if I’m 40 years old, and I still haven’t made it or even come close, then I will admit defeat for the final time and have myself checked into a facility, where I can at least remain alive among the other glitches in the system. 

I’ve got 15 years to go. Anything AT ALL could happen in 15 years. Until then, I’m holding on. I’m gonna keep on trying. I’m gonna continue my research. If this project doesn’t work out, then I’ll start some new one. And some new one. And some new one. I have a better understanding of what’s in my head now because I actually was FINALLY able to find the answers (more on that later on, but let’s just say my psych is a brilliant man who taught me how to find these answers on my own). I’m going to use that understanding. I’m going to use that new awareness. I’m going to live. I’m going to go on just EXPERIENCING the world, because it’s always been what I do best. Despite my hostility and the morbid thoughts up in my head, I’m actually a pretty happy person because the smallest, simplest things make me happy. I’ve got more than enough to keep on living right now. 

Anything could happen in 15 years. Hell, anything could happen in ONE year. 

[aheartofwood]

the king arthur movie is SO BAD, guys.

imagine a baby and a kitten got together and tried to edit a movie with only the vaguest idea of arthurian legend based on the backs of the VHS of the disney version and also the lion king for some reason, and also the barest idea of how human brains can accept and understand editing and narrative. imagine a pretty good video game opening for 2001, but watched thru the haze of a really strenuous flu and it’s rented and ancient and was chewed up by at least two dogs so it’s glitching a lot. imagine a knight’s tale……………Reimagined™ (needlessly) by a team of randos who only speak italian and their ideas are being translated by jen from the IT crowd in that one episode where she pretends she can speak italian. imagine a movie with a budget of four dollars (except the budget was HUGE). imagine an opium dream within a dream of robert downey jr’s 2009 sherlock holmes where jude law becomes a boring, leathery king who has a bad habit of constantly sacrificing the silent women he supposedly loves to an undulating pile of lovecraftian horror water ladies that live in his shame toilet in his penis tower basement ONLY to super saiyan into a really bad DnD dude with a motorcycle-insignia-metal skull head and the torso of two The Rocks smashed together (sorry, The Rock) instead of (a much better) watson. imagine eragon, but somehow exceedingly, fremdschamenly, schadenfreudingly worse. not many things get both german expressions, in a gleefully terrible adverb form at that, but this movie——oh, THIS movie——-deserves them. 

the letters of the opening credits roll (or creep?) across the screen. the kerning is bad. all the T’s have a phallic, buffylike, sword motif going on and it renders the names unreadable. the colors and the blurry shots look like something out of monty python. again, who hired this editor? who watched this movie, kissed their fingertips like an italian grandma, and gently set this eldritch horror adrift on the tides of eternity to be received with fear and loathing by millions of human eyes? the elephants from lord of the rings attack the bridge from legend of zelda, and that red flamey eye guy from eragon (mordred, for some reason, in a shake n bake wig) ?? or possibly from inkheart?? is defeated. remember, we know nothing about these characters. feel nothing for them. and the trend continues. katie mcgrath appears, of course, in her standard and splendid emerald green, and then immediately dies. none of the shots in the first 20 minutes of the movie match up, we go from scenes with several people to ultra close ups of faces—-it’s like the “mmmm whatcha say” SNL skit, but serious. the movie continues to not know if it’s playing itself seriously or if it knows how bad it truly is (how bad me be?)

finally we get ONE establishing shot of a sweeping wall (maybe? the camera never stays still enough to tell) and the audience (five people) grounds ourselves, sort of. we get a whip-fast, but not whip-smart, super evolution of arthur’s childhood, in which he shoves coins into a wall (see kids!!! if u just put YR COINS IN YR WALLS instead of BUYING GODDAMN AVOCADOS, U COULD HAVE A CASTLE!!!!) and hearkens back to his character in pacific rim, bc he’s just a scrappy, vaguely appropriative white guy that loves 2 fight stuff. oh, his mom is killed when he’s young ofc. charlie hunnam eventually fucks off to the island w the sword in the sort-of stone (none of the physics makes sense in this movie?? the sword in the stone dropped into a lake, but is now in a chasm on a different island which shows no sign of the ruins of arthur’s childhood town?? in the final fight scene, charlie hunnam is several floors up from scythe-y jude law, but then suddenly they’re fighting on the top of saruman’s tower  scuse me at the whipping sea-level, then suddenly BACK IN THE TOWER bc i guess it wasn’t destroyed????? bc then it gets destroyed again??) of course, charlie hunnam is the One Man who can Grip the penis sword, even though in an interesting turn of events, They are Testing Everyone by shipping them in boats to the island (this seems like an egregious waste of resources). charlie hunnam got in this unfortch sitch bc i forgot, but the guy who put him on the boat chuckled darkly and said he was “”””getting on a different boat””””, but like, doesn’t everyone end up there?? it had the air of the DMV, on purpose, so why was this a threat? how did he avoid it for so long? are there that many people in the kingdom??? also, if i was him i’d straight up pretend i couldn’t lift it tbh and come back for it when They were getting donuts. oh, another inkheart thing—the BLONDE MOM SURVIVES (!!!??? somehow???? unexplained? she had a HOLE THRU HER BODY??) and maybe has memory loss or something and spends her days being somehow indispensable to jude law despite doing nothing but moving a plate. 

i cannot explain the rest of the plot, because i do not understand it. charlie hunnam just EXPERIENCES things with a world-weary, almost kingly worldliness, despite flashing in between being an innocent farm boy who doesn’t wanna do anything and a self-assured wisecracking hustler. there are some good jokes about boring white dude names in a medieval setting, and no more humor forever is allowed in this movie or any movies ever again. a chris parnell lookalike with a hat says he can shoot 75 yards but not 175, then shoots 175 with absolutely no introduction/buildup/continuance/jokes and spends the rest of the film as robin hood. there are some other dudes?????? more women (the brothel ladies that rescue arthur from the river ((not unlike….the prince of egypt…..)) are killed to further manpain, including lucy, who is Special for an unexplained reason. jude law murders his daughter (i guess???), who has a russian name and a tendency to sit around and stroke birds and stare sappily out the window (i feel u, johanna). everyone is wearing medieval versions of suits. there are many iterations of snake, ranging from economy-sized snake to a Giant Fuckmaster Snake Mother. at least five cloaks are cast off. eric bana becomes a literal rock. everything has the vague, shuddering feeling of an improv show where everyone wants the final word/bit. there is grit, there is dirt, there is snake blood, and there is clanking. so much clanking. charlie hunnam is bravely hurling one-liners but no one is listening. what is the sound of only one hand on excalibur???? apparently not as powerful as…………T W O hands on excalibur. 

the editing continues to be bizarre. they keep trying to do the inception thing where they talk about the plan while showing the plan, therefore (in inception, correctly) allowing us to get to the good parts, but there ARE NO GOOD PARTS or even parts at all and they don’t fully commit to the dang method anyway. the shining light of the film, an unnamed mage woman with good bone structure and sweet harem pants (and who COULD have at least been set up as morwen but was not) who can possess animals and also make a lot of dust fly around behind her, becomes charlie hunnam’s spiritual guide?? sort of?? maybe love interest??? she seems to have no interest in him or inhabiting the worldly narrative/plane of this movie. i do not blame her. anyway, she’s got the eagles from LOTR on her side. she dopes the shit out of charlie hunnam (again, why) with a literal snake and he solves his daddy/uncle issues (line @ jude law: “”””you created me”””””) in an incomprehensible nonlinear part of the narrative (she was captured, but i guess jude law let her go before hunnam got to the castle???? bc he’s Not So Bad After All? bc he was bored? eating a sandwich? fuck idk so she could have met him in the middle of fuck knows? i mean if they have medieval lyft or medieval twitter DMing or something??)  also, he may or may not have gone to a ””””””DARK””””””””island, but he did NOT solve his daddy issues there. he did, however, fight some rodents of unusual size from the princess bride. 

ok that is all the energy i have; this movie has sapped me, i am nothing in the great maw of its terribleness. other stuff happens. we have a happy ending, with 4/6ths of the Round Table built (literally and figuratively), and some Vikings conceding to charlie hunnam for no other reason than he’s a bro, i guess. line: how do u scam money out of a viking? u talk to them. SEE MILLENNIALS ALL U HAVE TO DO IS TALK AND PPL GIVE U MONEY or be born the true heir to the throne of (fake england). 

the worst part is that i don’t understand how jude law, who is 44, looks the same the entire movie and watches as charlie hunnam, who is 37, grows up and eventually challenges him. eric bana, who is 48, doubtlessly had fictional charlie hunnam arthur at like 27-35, making jude law the same age in that fiction. i guess men can just ???? play any age????????? forever??????? honorable mentions: the soundtrack, jude law’s eyeshadow, and the preview for atomic blonde.