#if anything else I need clarification on this subject because I don’t fully understand it

[quibbs126]

Also another question, so why exactly did Megatronus’ T-cog give Megatron his upgraded form?

Like with Orion, I get it. He got the Matrix of Leadership, a powerful ancient relic, and was made into a Prime, and Primes are generally bigger and more powerful than the ordinary bot he used to be

But with Megatron, all he got was a new cog. Why did that completely change his design and presumably give him an upgrade on the same level as Optimus Prime?

Now yes, Megatronus was considered the strongest Prime, and maybe you could make the argument that’s why. But like, remember that the quartet, including D-16, got their initial cogs from the dead Primes. Alpha Trion didn’t recreate what would have been their original, normal bot cogs, he gave them Prime cogs, including Prima’s. And while yes, Prima in the actual canon of the movie is of no more importance than the other Primes outside of the Big Three (AT, Zeta and Megatronus), he’s still most likely the original Prime and potentially original Transformer, and is very notable in other continuities. So his cog should be important, or at least on a similar level to Megatronus’, but it seems the same as any other cog

So like, what makes Megatronus’ cog so different, and also uniquely colored? How did it give Megatron a whole upgrade like that?

I mean I guess some of it lies in the question of how much does a T-cog determine and how much does getting a new one change, a question that is not given a solid answer in the movie. But still, what’s going on here?

[funkymbtifiction]

hello again, I’m the INTP who talked about work and you typed as 9w1 sp/so. I have some clarifications and questions if you don’t mind answering! [...] I relate heavily to enneagram 5, I never considered 9 until recently but I wanna ask some questions in regards to it for me to either consider it further or eliminate the possibility.

If you are seriously considering 5 vs 9, you should do research on object relations (Google it in conjunction with the Enneagram) and the different triads in general (5s are competency focused, 9s are anger based, etc). 9s are gut types and make decisions from 'the gut' -- which is to say they internalize things and decide what to do without over-thinking it. 5s are from the fear/head center, so they avoid things out of fear of being overwhelmed by them (by life, people, situations, etc), but they also use analysis as a strategy to avoid emotional entanglements and thus think 'too much.'

Both of them are doing repressed, but they think differently about it -- the 5 thinks if they had just one more book on this subject, they might finally be able to talk about it in a way that isn't inadequate. 5s are myopic deep-divers. They don't flit from topic to topic like a 7, they get interested in one or two things and dig deep into them, becoming experts for their own intellectual pleasure rather than for "sharing" -- it doesn't often occur to them TO share what they know until prompted or coaxed. There's an excellent movie about a 5 I recommend to you -- Where Did You Go, Bernadette? The main character is reclusive, avoidant, fearful, and minimizing all of her connections in a funny way that should be relatable to another 5 -- at one point in the movie, she is anxious about them as a family potentially having to sit with strangers on a cruise, and says if there are only four chairs at the little tables, they can pile their coats on the fourth chair to avoid anyone sitting with them! This exemplifies the 5's need to reduce outside influences through throwing up strong boundaries -- 5s have to learn to let those boundaries down, that them telling themselves they lack the energy for people is a lie they use to avoid engaging fully with life.

The 9, by contrast, isn't afraid of life so much as caught up in inertia -- that it seems like too much work to clear the confusion of their minds and set a specific trajectory for their life. Making firm decisions is hard for them, because it's easier for them to coast along and live a life of adaptation and non-resistance. They can get carried along by other people's agendas by being too accommodating. But their strategy is also to block out the outside world and avoid anything unpleasant to them, which means living in a kind of inner sanctum whose walls are built of "I don't like this so I'm going to ignore it."

The crux of it comes down to this -- a 9 ITP is going to think twice about telling someone their argument is crap, because doing so might get them told off and that would make them anxious, and they don't want to be anxious; a 5 is more concerned with logic itself, and is going to assert that argument is crap, not really caring whether it causes someone else to get upset, because the important thing here is the logical argument. Logic, to head types, outweighs potential conflict, which is why head types are pretty feisty most of the time.

I trust you know what to do with this information, and may even identify yourself by it, but I will address what you wrote anyway.

I don’t relate to being a pushover or not understanding myself. I don’t relate to avoiding conflict because I don’t want to severe relationships or have people mad at me, I genuinely couldn’t care less. I never agree to things because I feel like I can’t say no, I make sure everyone knows to use me as the last possible resort, I don’t want them to rely on or bother me.

That is more 5 than 9, yes (although a 9w8 can be pretty "don't bother me, get out of my face, I don't want to deal with you, and this is my opinion -- take it or leave it"; they are the more assertive and quarrelsome 9).

I relate to feeling anger as the first emotion when someone yells at me and it feels unfair, I feel my insides boiling and I might show aggression then withdraw.

This could fit with 5's line to 8, or 9w8... either one. 5s can move to 8 to assert themselves, but that drains their energy and they retreat to lick their wounds; a 9w8 blows up at people to establish a boundary that they haven't been enforcing sufficiently until now.

I understand and relate to using distractions to avoid what I need to be facing (I assumed its a 5’s line to 7) and I often delay decision making not to commit, until I’ve come up with several solutions then make it based on a gut feeling at the last possible second.

This could be 5 or 9. 9s also use distractions to avoid doing things (because the thing they are contemplating doing is an obligation or seems unpleasant or they're not sure about it). Making decisions at the last minute is more a P behavior in general.

I also relate to not having a purpose, I feel like life just happens to me.

I know 9s can be this way; I'm not sure about 5s.

I only really care about my interests and indulging in them, I want to know everything there is to know about what I like.

This isn't really type-specific, since anyone of any type can want to deep-dive into the things they love -- the difference might be that 20 years down the line, the 5 is still studying earthworms and other types have moved on.

[nymphigeon]

From me, to you || 07

♤ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

♤ Genre: fluff, angst, romance, hybrid au, hybrid!Taehyung, detective!reader

♤ Words: 2.5k

♤ Rating: PG-13

♤ Warnings (for this chapter): Mentions of hybrid abuse, swearing.

♤ A/N: Surprise! I'm really sorry it took me this long, but I finally found the time and drive to write again :) Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Synopsis: A story in which he has never known love, so you’ll give it to him.

Series masterlist

06 07

"What do you mean this hybrid doesn't exist?"

Her eyes are wavering with an unspoken fear, perhaps caused by the bitterness my questions holds. I'm not happy, and she knows.

“It’s just, the chance that a dangerous breed such as the tiger hybrid would escape our system is basically zero..” The gaze she held on the computer screen unsurely moves my way. My expression must've instilled another layer of anxiety to the already existing one, as her mouth abruptly stops moving and her pupils dilate.

“Go on, explain.” The tone of my voice softens a bit as I notice her visible discomfort worsening. Even if there is no way that I’ll get any information from this place regarding Taehyung and his owner, I would still like to know why they’re both not showing up here.

Eun-ji takes a few deep breaths to stabilize her voice. As she does her posture slowly relaxes just a little and her eyes lose some of the nervousness they held before. “Because the first ‘successful’ tiger hybrid ran rampant after killing their creator, anyone who still breeds or creates them is being watched very closely by us, as well as by some other institutions.”

Perhaps it’s my lack of reaction that causes her to trail off at the end. Though I’m not judging her or her story, unlike she may think. To encourage her to continue, I give her a nod, tilting my head to show interest.

“The regular citizen isn’t even allowed to have one, needing special training to handle them. It’s like that for most hybrids that find their origins in wild animals. Creating tiger hybrids obviously requires a lot of knowledge when it comes to playing with genes and breeding them…. Well there are only three organization that are authorized to do so. All the resulting hybrids are registered and chipped.”

The explanation, which turns out to be a lengthy one, gets broken by a shuddering breath leaving her lips. She composes herself, clinging on to the little confidence she has left in her line of work to speak about the rest of her clarification.

“Of course people have tried to do it themselves, but those d.i.y operations have always ended in disappointment. If not taken proper care of, with substances only a board certified hybrid doctor can provide you, the pregnancy will fail. These are no easy practices they are dealing with.”

After the girls’ last words I give myself some time to think, letting a silence full of tension fill the room. It must be obvious that my mind is somewhere else at the moment, as the other girl in the room does her best to stay quiet. I don’t need much time however, my thoughts having quickly rearranged themselves as they were trained to do.

“So what you’re saying is, since tiger hybrids are hard to ‘create’, if you will, there are only a few people who actually manage to bring them to life. And so those few people are kept under close watch, as are the hybrids they successfully wake, am I correct?”

Eun-ji nods affirmatively, clearly happy that I seem to understand the situation. “So there is absolutely no way that someone without authorization has had a decent attempt at either genetically merging a human together with a tiger or getting a tiger hybrid pregnancy to be successful?”

Perhaps there might be a bit of scepticism in the question I asked, as her attitude immediately changes into a defensive one. “There is not! Whatever hybrid you’re searching for either gave you a false identity or is not a tiger hybrid at all, which would seem rather unlikely. I told you they get chipped right? Why not go look into that.”

“He doesn’t have one. We already had a hospital take a look at him, they didn’t find anything. ” The statement seems to shock her, the gears in her head instantly turning as to find an answer to this riddle. She however can’t seem to get one.

“They can be removed, can they not? They’re just under the skin. If someone decided to just cut it out they could. Terrifying, but plausible. Either that or one of your faithful authorized employees has been leaking information to outsiders.”

This is where Eun-ji seems to give up. Her shoulders sagging and a heavy sigh leaving her lips. “There would still be the problem of the missing equipment, test subjects, practice… How would you even get hold of fertilized human eggs to play around with? But I guess that wouldn’t be totally impossible. As for cutting it out… There would be a noticeable scar. The implants are always put in the same place, it wouldn’t be hard to miss.”

I make a mental note stating to ask Taehyung about all of this when I get back. If anyone knows how he got onto this world it would be him. “Is there a possibility that you could have someone look into it?” The girl nods in defeat, paying more attention to the ground than to anything else. “I’ll see if I can get someone on the case. I’ll have them contact you if we know anything.”

After those words she turns around in her chair, facing the monitor that had already put itself into sleep, and turns it off. Taking a notepad out of the drawer to her left, she quickly writes something down with the pen from her breast pocket. “I’ll get on it right away. Would you like me to walk you back to the exit?”

I shake my head. “No It’s okay, I’ll find my way back. Thank you for cooperating.” Eun-ji gives me a small smile, followed by a bow and walks out of the room taking the note with her, presumably immediately keeping herself busy with the extra work. Not wanting to waste any time I copy her, walking myself back into the direction we came from. Turns out it proves quite easy to find the exit by myself.

It’s already far past dinnertime when I make it back to the office. Not many of my colleagues have remained in their seats, most of them opting for a nice meal with their families. The few that have stayed behind are mostly known to live alone, quite like myself.

I quietly knock on my supervisor’s door, but when no response emerges from within the room, I can safely deduce that she too has already returned home. “I’ll have to write her a report about today later..” I mutter to myself, before stepping away from the door and instead heading to the cells at the back.

Technically the arrest period had already ended for Taehyung, as the law wouldn’t allow us to keep him locked up for any longer without any charges being held against him. His cell however technically was never locked and so even now, he is free to go wherever he wants. Though it didn’t change the fact that he still has no place to go to.

“Good evening. Had anything to eat yet?” He just chose to stay here and we accepted it. “Oh, hello! Yes, that tall handsome bulky man gave me something earlier, I can’t remember his name. He said something about it ‘being the best shit in town’.”

I slightly giggle at his quote, knowing immediately who it belongs to. “That definitely sounds like something Namjoon would say. What did he give you?”

Taehyung looks a lot better than he did yesterday. The stress of the interrogation seems to have completely worn off, instead traded for the sweet bouncy personality he used to show around me.

“Umm it was something in the shape of a circle and it had meat all over it… Oh! I think he called it a pizza? It was delicious!”

“You’ve never had pizza before?” The words leave my mouth before I actually get the chance to process them, causing me to instantly regret ever even opening my mouth. These days are stressful enough for him as they are, he doesn’t need a painful reminder of the life he never got to live on top of that.

The question doesn’t seem to hit him as hard as I though it would though. In fact, his demeanour doesn’t seem to change at all. Although sadly, it doesn’t make his next words any less painful. “Nope! When I first got adopted all they would feed me was wet cat food. It wasn’t great, but at least I got my three meals a day. The foster family I stayed at after my first owners mysteriously disappeared didn’t actually have the money to even take proper care of themselves, so at that time all I would get was whatever was left of their dinner that day, if there was even any left. It was mostly just greens. The lack of meat made me real sick at the time.”

He pauses talking for a second to look up at my face through the metal bars. The content look on his face quickly changes to one of worry once he catches my eyes. It’s no mystery why, I know I look at him pitifully. Even if he may not wish for my concern, I am only human. I can perfectly hide it when I need to, but this is not one of those cases.

“There it is again, that sad look on your face…” He sits up straight on the side of his bed to fully observe me, a tilt of his head giving him away. I send a sad chuckle his way as I reach for the door of his enclosure, inviting myself into the small space with him. He doesn’t object.

“Is it that obvious?” It was meant more as a way to lighten the mood, not as an actual question that needs answering. He still does however, giving me a simple slow nod. “You don’t need to feel bad for me.”

“Someone has to. You deserve at least that much.”

There’s a chair neatly placed under a small desk in the room. It used to be quite lively, with all kinds of bright colours blending into each other. It was a little positive additive into the dark grey room, but after all the anger that has been acted out on it, it no longer has that same shine.

I pull the chair out to place myself upon it, straddling the seat while I rest my arms on top of the back rest. Facing the tiger I use my arms as a pillow to lean my head on, making myself comfortable on the creaking furniture.

“Say, Taehyung, do you remember anything from when and where you were formed?”

He seems slightly taken aback at first, though quickly regains his composure. He also doesn’t immediately answer, first taking some time to think before coming back to me. “I was born a hybrid to two purebred tiger hybrids. They did their best trying to care for me in the little time we got to spend together, but seeing as it happened on a breeding farm getting to spend time with my parents wasn’t the plan. I got sold off pretty quickly, as soon as I learned to hold my first few full conversations.”

“Do you… Would you happen to know what happened to the farm? To your parents?” I fail to hide my apprehensiveness, needing too much space to form a careful approach. This shouldn’t feel like an interrogation to him, I never even announced one. There is little reason for him to answer me, the vital information from his side has already been given anyway. Nonetheless, even though I probably shouldn’t be doing this right now, I can’t just miss this opportunity.

“I heard my adoptive family talking about how the place was burnt down a while later. Most likely the police had caught a hold of it and they had to delete their left behind evidence. Both building and hybrids.”

Despite talking about the death of his parents, he seems to tell the story with relative ease. Probably not having much connection with the far past, his brain too young to truly hold on to the memory of them.

“They were successful too, as the case got dropped faster than lightning. It wasn’t long before the general public forgot about it too, believing it was just another misunderstanding. Besides, hybrid lives weren’t as important anyway.”

The amount of rights hybrids had when they were first created back in the day were close to zero, only strictly being seen as objects to show off whatever possible wealth one may have had. For a while there was even a popular theory going around that hybrids didn’t actually have the ability to feel any kind of emotion or pain. The genetic puzzle wouldn’t allow for it, as it had been tampered with to an extreme extent. This only built on the carelessness shown towards them, slowly chipping away at their sanity.

Although the rumours were wrong, they came from a place of truth. Facial expressions were rare for hybrids, as was the ability to speak. Most of them couldn’t even keep up with regular humans, exhaustion quickly taking over the little anger they could show. Scientists hadn’t yet quite figured out how to perfectly combine the pieces of genetic code and so hybrids were more like living dolls in the eyes of evil humans. Having no voice to object and barely any means to actually hurt anyone, it wasn’t much of a surprise the selfish nature in humans came to rise.

Luckily, or depending on how you look at it, sadly, these first generation hybrids were never able to reproduce. The doll like hybrid features eventually died out with the rise of the newly perfected pieces and the theory was debunked by a group of scientist who actually did care about the hybrids’ wellbeing. Those hybrids had lived through countless punishments, and every single one of them had hurt. A lot.

Right now hybrids in a lot of ways are superior to the rest of us. Having the combined senses of both animal and human alike, society has reluctantly given up on trying to contain them. They are still to be bought and owned, but no longer to be treated like dirt. The smartest of hybrids have even already gotten complete freedom to do as the please, no longer having to be bound to a human to roam freely. However, those unable to pass the close to impossible tests aren’t so lucky.

“I’m sorry about what happened.”

Taehyung gives me a reassuring wave of his hand, effectively trying to lighten the mood, along with a sad smile. It wouldn’t take a trained professional to know he still longs for his parent’s presence, even if he may do well hiding it.

“It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.”

That doesn’t make the situation more okay, but I hold my remarks back. For now, that might just be for the best.

Taglist

@suhappysuho @intellectualxprincess @sana-b @littlewolfieposts @nellaphine @the8luvr @deathkat657 @elenaramos1 @namjoonies-dimple

[nightswithkookmin]

3 I don't think jk feels that way. He loves to protect jm why would he want jm to take even more heat by making things clearer to the fans? Not to mention except nibbling on jm's ear, tatoos & gcfs are not a clear indication of what jk feels he also hides behind art (wich is very subjective) to express his feelings and even denied jm being his main model. Even V has been more direct about writing songs about jm. So for him to be frustrated with jm would be unfair & hypocritical which idt jk is.

This post you mean??

I didn't feel the need to get into it directly because everything you said in here is based off of a misinterpretation of my post- the post in response to the Anon who said there seems to be a strain on Jikook's relationship, for context.

I never said or implied your premise, ergo your entire argument is pointless? Lol. If I had to respond to it, it would have been 'No. You didn't understand it correctly.'

Maybe you should read over it again?

I mean, no one else seem to have had that impression in the comments apart from you?What is it in that post that gave you that impression? Maybe I should read over it too... Damn.

I simply pointed out in response to the Anon, that JK seems much reserved in the way that he expresses himself towards Jimin mostly post JM's birthday. Which may or may not confirm my earlier suspicions about the whole JM birthday saga- which as I said, again, I don't want to make conclusive statements on because it's an on going phase and so it's a bit hard to reconstruct the timeline.

I said and meant and intended to mean, that if JM and the company or even BTS had expressed disapproval on JK wanting to post on JM's birthday then JK choosing not to express himself openly in regards to JM in the aftermath would be understandable. Jk seems like the all or nothing kinda guy to me- I've been saying.

They are either treating the glass closet as a glass closet or not. Which would mean JK stops his bold gestures and expressions towards JM and JM stops publicly doting on JK and expressing himself towards him in the way that he does.

But if JM is going to dot on him openly and express himself openly with regards to JK, then JK should be allowed to do the same- however way he prefers.

I didn't say I felt JK is frustrated because Jimin does whatever you are saying. All I said is I feel he gotta be frustrated if he cannot express himself the way that he wants to- especially given his personality and his background.

He often talks about not being censored much growing up as a kid and so he is used to having his way and doing things the way he wants.

My point being that Jimin expresses a certain level of 'nervousness' sometimes with the way JK expresses himself with regards to him. Especially since JK's 'bold' moves often times scratches against their glass closet to the point it can be considered 'outing.'

Jk posting on JM's birthday when he hasn't done that for anyone in the group since Jin's birthday last year would have been borderline "outing" considering. And as I said, I don't think that would have sat well with either Jimin or the group or even BigHit because it would raise a lot of brows and have people questioning whether there's more to Jikook's relationship.

Frankly, as I pointed out, given the circumstances people would raise questions over whomever he chooses to post for next regardless, especially if he doesn't post for anyone else after that- it would be world war Z up in these streets I tell ya. Lol.

JK has had his passions sabotaged over the years- his GCFs I mean, and this was one of the means he had to express his authentic self and his raw feelings as a person and as an artist. Expressing his feelings clearly is important to him as much as recieving.

And if he cannot express himself with regards to the person he loves in the way that he wants then that's got to be frustrating to him, in my opinion.

And when you think that the person he loves can get away with blurting out things like that 'the best thing in his life is waking up to see his boyfriend's face in the morning' in a middle of an interview then you'd understand what I mean.

The members booed at JM for that yes, but I don't think had JK said that, that they would have had the same reaction to him- did you see their reaction when Jk blurted out 'arrest me' when Jimin said he wanted to be a police officer or something?

That doesn't mean JM doesn't make similar bold moves that are equally risqué in regards to JK. Just saying he often gets away with it because majority of the fandom don't take him seriously at all, lol. They often dismiss his moves towards JK as fanservice or tie it to his "naturally kind and affectionate" personality.

As to whether that is fair or not- honestly I don't care. Lol. I'm more interested in observing their interactions to try to understand the motivations behind their actions and behaviors- which again, are all just theory and assumptions.

Honestly, I don't impose my judgment on Jikook's actions in that way. If I had to, I'll just say they are both wrong and they are both right and all is fair in love and war. Because I sort of understand the motivations behind these actions even if they are just theory.

But I don't do the JK vs JM business- which is what it seems you are doing here?

I keep saying they both have valid needs. JK's needs are not less valid than JM's needs. Neither is JM's needs less Valid. They both have valid motivations for the choices that they make. From my perspective.

They both have downsides and upsides and I am well aware of it. I just don't mind. I mean, they are human in every sense of the word.

JK fuming whenever someone breathes near JM but he himself being Mr roaming hands premium is double standards. If you don't want Jimin touching others don't touch others. It's as simple as that. JM playing Mr 'I'm available never been wed' when he knows damn well he is in a committed relationship with Mr double standards roaming hands premium is foul play.

They both suck. Lol.

Yet I don't mind at all. I love them regardless.

Besides, as I said, from the feed back I got it seems you were the only one who had that impression? I would have made a post to clarify it sooner if I sensed from the responses that two or more people had had similar impressions of it.

I usually don't hold myself responsible for other's comprehension skills and it didn't seem like you were asking for clarification either? May be next time ask for clarification if you are uncertain about anything instead? I don't know. Just do whatever makes you happy I guess.

There were certain statements you made in here that I found interesting regardless- the part dismissing JK's means of expressing himself but claiming V exresses his intentions better through his art....

You think may be V is able to talk openly about writing songs inspired by Jimin because there is nothing there to hide and his song lyrics aren't indicative of nothing?

I'm sorry but Friends seems like a very friend zoned conversation than a confession of romantic feelings to me.

I don't think JK wants to write a song about how Jimin is his bestfriend- Jimin would skin him alive. In my opinion. Lol.

Plus, when Tae tried to make a duet with Jimin the company (producer) allegedly didn't green light that project- I wonder why. Smirk.

Even as friends, there seems to be a limit they are allowed to go with their artistic expressions.

In JK's case, well Jimin have said he isn't really good at expressing his emotions and JK have admitted in recent times- in his Be Weverse Magazine interview that he is not particularly great at writing everything he wants to express.

Personally, before I heard him say this, I often felt he seemed to hold himself back a lot from fully expressing himself through his lyrics. He has a broad range of musical experience and honestly a rich lyrical palette from his various song recommendations throughout the years and I expected more from him when it came to his lyricism and expressions.

I don't take his lyrics for granted though because it is still one of the means through which he expresses his authentic self and after reading this bit about him, chilee I'm gone treat his lyrics like the gospel. Sorry Jesus. Lol.

I don"t know but perhaps he waters down on his expressions through his lyrics too- I mean there is only so much he can say without letting people into his inner psyche?

Dude had to sneak Stay past JM. Lmho. He's so cute.

The point I'm making is, you can't claim it is unfair for JK to use his art as cover to express his feelings for Jimin and then in the same breath praise another member expressing his feelings for Jimin through his art.

And the part about JM going out of his way and taking risks to break JK"s walls in their earlier dynamic... who asked him? Lol.

No seriously, who put him on that mission? He has his own Jikook agenda. I don't think he was doing JK a favor. Do you? I find that narrative problematic. Jimin is not a charity case. JK is not his 'console"ation price.

I don't think JK feels indebted to JM and I don't think he should. That's not love. I don't think Jimin wants his pity either. Again, that's not love.

Then the bit about JK protecting JM. I think I addressed it already. JM has a duty to protect JK as much as JK has a duty to protect him.

If him expressing his love for Jimin the way he wants to is him not protecting Jimin, then JM equally openly expressing his feelings for JK is him not protecting JK.

I won't hold this over you though because your response is based off of a misinterpretation.

Please let's not do the whole JK vs JM thingy next time. I get that a lot from my fellow PJMs here. Jikook are not enemies.

I had to respond to this because you said something about it not being fair that I didn't post the original Ask.

Please bare in mind you are Anonymous and it's hard to ask for clarification and stuff from y'all when I don't understand anything about the posts and comments you send in.

But at your end, I think you are in a better position to quote me and ask for clarifications if you want one. You don't have to. But I think it makes it easier to have certain conversations.

I enjoyed your thoughts. I haven't read them all yet but I will.

Stay safe. I purple you.

Signed,

GOLDY

[tiaragqueen]

Can I request a yandere garou not letting his s/o breakup with him !!

At Variance

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Garou x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,7k

✂ Trigger Warning: Slight violence, possessive behavior, yandere theme

[Edited]

***

It’s official, Garou has become one of my favorite characters. A villain with a soft spot for kids makes me go soft myself.

Part 2

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

“You think you’ve changed your mind. You’d better change it back or we will both be sorry.” - Don’t You Want Me [Human League]

There was a time when you used to love Garou.

You remembered very well those memories when he used to train under that old man, Bang, as if they happened yesterday. Garou was his beloved student, not to mention the best among other trainees. A prodigy, you could say. Never once did he skip training, no matter how exhausted and pained he was. He had trained hard – too hard, in your opinion – to the point where his back developed muscles as well, thus making it seem bigger and broader.

Sometimes, he would come to your house with bruises and scratches littering his toned body. You used to fuss over him, occasionally scolding and telling him to take better care of himself. You wanted him to know that you couldn’t be around him forever. However, he simply dismissed your concern with a flick of his hand.

“If you can’t be around me anymore, then I’ll force you to,” he said. You didn’t mull over the meaning for too long, thinking that he was joking. But you couldn’t deny the confidence from his words, or that self-assured smirk, as if he was sure that you wouldn’t be able to leave him.

Well, you certainly hadn’t thought that way. You loved him, after all. What kind of a girlfriend was you if you break up with him simply because he had said some… questionable things?

As his lover, it wasn’t unusual for you to visit the dojo yourself. You would come and cheer on him, sometimes bringing some food for him and the others. Bang had grown accustomed to your presence and considered you as a ‘good supporter’ for Garou, much to your delight. His students had befriended you too, mainly because of how often you came, and referred you as the ‘Wolf’s Lover’. Of course, they still kept their respectful distance to avoid any… unpleasant consequences. Garou was, after all, a possessive boyfriend.

But that was a long time ago. Now, you didn’t have the same feeling for him anymore.

And no, it didn’t happen because you loved someone else or other equally bad reasons. Different opinions had long caused a rift between the two of you, ever since his confession to destroy the fake peace. Your belief in heroes and their ‘biased’ justice as he had oh so kindly put it, versus his belief that an ultimate monster would take the stage someday. And the worst thing was, he believed himself to be that ‘ultimate monster’.

Now, you had to admit that his motive was somewhat noble. He wanted to bring peace – the absolute peace – to the world, and possibly end all the wars, bullies, fights, and the like. Everyone wished for that too. But the way he carried out that intention was simply wrong.

Defeating the heroes? Sure, some of them might not be as pure as they seemed. However, it would be unfair to lump them in the same label, whereas not all monsters were keen on dominating the humankind.

Uniting people through fear? What would happen when they finally put him in his place? What would he do? You couldn’t think of a better outcome than killing him, had you were one of those normal people. Heck, the heroes would probably think so too. But Garou was your boyfriend; someone who had chosen to stick with your annoying guts and accompanied you through thin and thick, no matter how awkward he was at comforting you.

“You did what?” you asked, staring at him with an incredulous frown. You wondered if sleepiness blocked your hearing somehow since he had barged into your apartment unannounced. After all, you were in the middle of napping when he entered through the window.

Honestly, it wasn’t the first time he’d done that. Sometimes, you questioned if he even knew the use of a door. But the news he’d brought to you was shocking, to say the least. Probably more when you witnessed him beating up his fellow trainees at Bang’s dojo at that time.

“I said I beat up all those fuckers.” He raised his chin and grinned smugly, ignoring the way you gaped like a fish out of the water.

“But they didn’t… do anything wrong.” Your voice turned softer as you tried to comprehend the absurdity of his story. He’d told you that he’d gotten a letter from the Hero Association, announcing that they would recruit criminals as heroes. Well, they wouldn’t know Sitch’s true intention had that ninja didn’t reveal it. There were some high-class heroes in there too, acting as the bodyguards. But what you didn’t understand was why Garou even bothered to come if he would only beat them up in the end.

Was he really that bloodthirsty until he was willing to fight all the participants – including the heroes in charge – right in front of the minister? If so, then maybe he was too far gone now. Or maybe he had always been this way, and you just failed to acknowledge it in favor of clutching your values and morals.

“Exactly!” he exclaimed, still bearing that sick grin you used to think as ‘sexy’ in the past. “They didn’t do shit until that motherfucker went to recruit them to join his shitty organization.”

You examined his face. Like, truly examined it. From the drops of blood that splattered across his cheek to those dilated, amber irises that reflected his restrained excitement and triumph. As if he took pride in his so-called victory.

This couldn’t be overlooked any further.

“Garou…” you began gingerly yet softly, scared that he might snap the moment he heard what you were about to say. “I don’t think we can continue this relationship anymore.”

Your heart started to beat faster when you saw his grin dropped. “Huh? The hell are you talking about?” he asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

Swallowing the nerves that clogged your throat, you mentally prepped yourself up to tell the thing you’d been wanting to say and face the consequences.

Were you, though?

Garou was quite unpredictable, and while he had never laid a hand on you, it didn’t mean he couldn’t do it now. He had the strength and speed to incapacitate you. You’d be damned if you fight him.

Not that you could, though. You would most likely lose at first attempt.

“I think we should break up.”

There was a moment of thick silence that surrounded the living room. You peeked through your hair, attempting to decipher his otherwise stony face. It wasn’t common to see him act this way – so stiff yet unreadable – and you knew that it couldn’t mean anything good.

“What?” It was like the role was reversed. Now, he was the one who asked for clarification.

“I said we should break up.”

“No…” he muttered, a frown distorted his dangerously captivating features. “You said ‘I think’. Well, I don’t fucking think the same way if that’s what you want me to say, [Name].”

“Well,” you rolled your shoulders in fake nonchalance and boldly stared at his eyes. “We definitely should. We have different beliefs about heroes and such, and with how you’re acting now, it’s best if we part ways. You can continue your hero hunting, and I can do my own things.”

Garou fell silent again. Slowly, he lifted his left hand before slammed it down against the coffee table. You stiffened, watching the once intact desktop split in two through your peripheral vision. Splinters of wood scattered on the marble floor, but that was the least of your concern.

It was the message he conveyed to you. He was stronger than you, therefore you stood no chance against him. You were fully aware, and you acknowledged it. That was why you never acted upon those violent thoughts whenever he spoke about his burning hatred towards phony justice and heroes. Still, you could discern the other idea that he’d implied to you.

This was what you could and would be if you kept resisting him.

“We won’t last long, Garou.” you mumbled, despite the underlying threat. It might sound as if you were trying to appeal to his conscience, while in reality, it was nothing but the truth. A couple with contrasting opinions – especially about something as subjective as peace, justice, and society – could never survive. At least, that was what you thought.

A hand wrapped itself around your throat, instantly cutting off the oxygen supply from entering and leaving. Garou glowered and clenched his jaw; the very same expression he always showed to his enemies. Or, in other words, this wasn’t his usual playful and sadistic self.

This was a serious Garou.

“Is this how you fucking repaid me, after I’ve protected you from those weak ass villains?” he asked through gritted teeth.

You wriggled at the increasingly tight grip and clawed his skin, face blanched. It was moments like this where oxygen became invaluable to you. “Garou, let me… go.”

“Honestly, [Name], I’ve never thought that you would be a fucking coward. Breaking up with me? Really? How the fuck would you protect yourself, huh? You’re weak! You need someone strong like me to protect you.” He breathed heavily through his nostrils and observed your pathetic attempt to release yourself from his grasp. “You think we can’t last because we have different beliefs? Don’t make me laugh. In half a year, I’ll grow stronger. More powerful! And I’ll show you, and those shitty heroes, that a villain can change the world too. I’ll be the ultimate monster and bring the peace! And you’ll regret ever doubting me!”

Garou threw you on to the couch unceremoniously before you could pass out, or worse, die from strangulation. You coughed and inhaled deeply, trying to fill your lungs with air as much as possible. Meanwhile, Garou headed towards the exit with no apology whatsoever and looked over his shoulder.

“We’ll make this shit works. No buts or what ifs.” He pursed his lips in dogged determination. “Remember that.”

The aftershock and exhaustion finally settled in when you heard the slam of the door that sounded distant in your ears. You collapsed, the buts and what ifs became your last thoughts before everything turned dark.

[winterskywrites]

Hey, darling, what do you think about Lena Luthor? Like, she IS absolutely brilliant, super gorgeous, powerful and so cool, and she absolutely doesn't deserve that toxic and manipulative family, but the writers could already started the process to her get better of that trust issues. It's hard for anyone be understanding and patient all the time, especially when the other person doesn't do the same thing for you. I hope she gets better, cause she deserves to be happy.

Honestly, my feelings towards Lena, at least at the moment, are not nearly as positive as yours seem to be. At the moment, I firmly believe that she’s acting like a villain. I’m putting the rest of my response under a cut, but please be warned that it’s not particularly Lena friendly.

(And anon, please know that my response is not trying to attack you; I’m only trying to answer your question.)

Edit - I misinterpreted parts of the original message; the clarification is here.

So, here’s the thing about Lena: She seems fairly incapable of seeing morality in shades of gray. With Lena, you’re either with her or you’re against her; you’re either good, or you’re evil. (And Lena tends to be somewhat self-obsessed, so if you’re against her, you’re also probably evil.) We’ve seen this with her multiple times, but her current conflict with Kara is probably the best example of it. Kara didn’t tell her that she was Supergirl (which was one hundred percent Kara’s choice, I will die on that hill), and now Lena is convinced that Kara was never her friend at all and that Kara was never really that good a hero in the first place. Even after Kara did tell Lena her identity at the beginning of the season, as well as an explanation of why she hadn’t done it previously, Lena is completely unswayed. Kara “betrayed” her, so thus Kara is against her, so thus Kara is bad.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to feel upset when you feel that someone doesn’t trust you. However, in this situation, you also need to take the other person’s intentions into account, and this is something that Lena doesn’t seem willing or capable of doing. We can look at her relationship with Andrea as an example here: Andrea took the medallion and lied to Lena about it, which seems like a betrayal on the surface, but we know that she did it to save her father. When Lena learns this, it doesn’t seem to change her opinion on Andrea at all. She still thinks that Andrea betrayed her, and she still seems to consider that an inexcusable offense. Even when Andrea apologizes to her in tears, Lena still continues with her plan to manipulate her. Again, this is an example of Lena’s black and white thinking - Andrea betrayed her, so thus she’s bad, full stop, despite any reasoning she may have had.

The real reason that this black and white view of morality is a problem is that Lena is using it as an excuse for her Non Nocere project, which is, in my opinion, flat out morally wrong. Lena wants to use her technology to manipulate other people’s minds without their consent. She kidnapped Eve and used her technology to override her entire mind, and then kidnapped Ma’alefa’ak and used his powers against him. She planned to broadcast Non Nocere worldwide using Myriad, thus mind-controlling the entire world. She’s been working with Lex, perhaps the worst villain in the entire Arrowverse, to come up with a way to block people from feeling emotions that she deems bad. She used Non Nocere to remove feelings of injustice and framed that like it was a good thing. What Lena’s doing is wrong. She’s allowed to feel however she feels regarding Kara and Andrea, but she can’t use those feelings to justify doing evil, and Non Nocere is, in my opinion, evil.

Now, I am aware that Lena had an awful childhood and that many her reactions can be traced back to that, but while that might explain them, it does not excuse them. Like you said, Lena doesn’t deserve her toxic and manipulating family, because absolutely no one deserves that, but that doesn’t make what she’s doing okay. The fact that Lena has experienced trauma does not mean she can do whatever she wants without consequences. I don’t really agree that the writers have started the process of her getting better with her trust issues; I don’t really think there’s been much growth there at all, and any growth that Lena may have had in the past seasons has been lost in this current one. Of course, working through issues like hers is often not a linear process, but it seems like, as of season five, Lena has lost any desire or motivation to work through her trust issues, and that’s a problem. What Lena really needs right now is therapy (like Kara suggested to her earlier in the season), but to make that work, you need to accept that you have a problem and be willing to work through it, and to me, it doesn’t seem like Lena fulfills either criterion.

You said, “It’s hard for anyone be understanding and patient all the time, especially when the other person doesn’t do the same thing for you.” I absolutely agree with the sentiment, but I don’t think it particularly applies to Lena. I don’t feel like Lena has ever put that much effort into being understanding and patient, and I think that her friends tend to put much more effort into it than she does. Honestly, I think the character who best exemplifies this idea is Kara, who is always understanding and patient, sometimes to her own detriment, even when the other person puts absolutely no effort into doing the same. It took Kara weeks to stop begging Lena to forgive her, and even now, Kara seems entirely willing to forgive Lena for everything that she’s done if Lena even indicates that she wants such a thing. I think Lena is the one who needs to be more understanding and patient more than perhaps any other character on the show (other than the die-hard villains like Lex and Leviathan, of course).

You described Lena as, “absolutely brilliant, super gorgeous, powerful and so cool.” I don’t really disagree with any of those points, but none of them are inherently good things. Lena is brilliant, but she’s currently using her brilliance to come up with a way to manipulate people’s minds. Lena is gorgeous, but that has no correlation with her being a good or bad person. Lena is powerful, but again, she’s using her power to do things that are morally wrong. (I don’t care what Lex said, I’m not convinced that those prisoners from a jail owned by the Luthors decided to be test subjects entirely of their own free will without any outside influence.) And Lena can be pretty cool, but again, that doesn’t make her good. I also hope that Lena gets better, because I do like the prevailing theme on Supergirl that no one is ever fully beyond redemption, and I also think that she deserves to be happy, because I think everyone deserves at least the chance to be happy, but Lena is currently one of the villains of this season, and if she’s going to be anything else, she needs to put some serious work into her redemption.

Basically, tl;dr, Lena has a very black and white view of morality, and she’s using that as an excuse to do things that are morally wrong, like Non Nocere. While her issues don’t make her a villain on their own, the way she’s choosing to react to them does. Lena is not beyond redemption, but she is currently a villain.

[arpwrites]

[Arpwrites] Tarot Commissions

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If you’re seeing this, maybe its the universe saying it’s time you got a reading 🌝From Three Cats in a Trenchcoat to @Cupid Watch Out Sweaty, I’m sure there’s a spread for your needs 🌷

Commissions are currently OPEN!

The Process

Read my legal notices here, particularly the sections pertaining to tarot and commissions. You officially agree to these terms upon payment for my services.

Contact me via the Tumblr messaging system. If you’d like to keep your blog anonymous, contact me from a new sideblog. Mains are preferred though because it helps me get a better sense of your energy.

I will confirm the booking based on the requested reading and my status. Your written confirmation that you have read and are fully aware of my legal notices is required as well. 

Fill out the form I provide you. It’ll have questions that’ll help me connect to your energy. If that doesn’t work, we may have to try something else like chatting for a bit or maybe you can send me your instagram. We'll think of something.

Send in the payment on Ko-fi if I confirm I am able to connect to your energy and you are comfortable with the level of it.

You will get your reading within three days. I will privately post it to my blog and share the link with only you.

Feedback and/or reviews are much appreciated.

What Will the Reading Include?

Here’s a sample reading using Three Cats in a Trenchcoat. Basically:

Commission details like your username, reference number etc.

Screenshots of your confirmation that you have read my legal notices as well as receipt of payment

Any special questions you may have asked as part of the request.

An image of the spread. I will be using the Prisma Visions deck by @jamesreads​. It is gorgeous and I highly recommend it.

As much detail as I am able to glean from the cards.

An overall accuracy rating and notes.

A conversation to debrief about whether the reading resonated with you, any clarifications you might need, next steps, your satisfaction, and whether I can help you with anything else.

Why Me?

I'm truthful to a fault, a lot of times to my own detriment. I won’t hesitate to tell you if I feel like I’m making up things or if the accuracy feels low. I wouldn’t claim to have a gift for tarot if I didn’t mean it. You can trust me with your personal questions, I won’t judge.

I will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. I won’t sugarcoat what my cards say but I also won’t leave you feeling hopeless or worse than before. Tarot is meant to raise people’s vibrations and do good, and that is exactly what I will help you with.

Here’s what other people have to say.

How Does Tarot Work?

Tarot cards are a system of ‘divination,’ i.e., inference, based on the yet unproven concept that everything in the universe has a vibrational signature and that these vibrations obey the universal law of like attracting like. ‘Everything’ extends beyond the physical dimension and includes thoughtforms and energetic complexes. Similar in principle to how horary astrology works, the idea is that the vibration of your question will attract right vibration of cards for that moment based on energies at the time. Free will exists and there are several possible perspectives and futures, so readings only hold true while factors are in stasis and depend on the ability of the reader to strengthen and tune into these energies.

Remember!

Tarot interpretation is personal, intuitive and nuanced. Don’t compare card draws from one reader to another because meanings of cards are subjectively assigned by the deck user. Do not research your tarot reader’s card draws on your own and infer your own meaning, it will likely lead you to wrong assumptions. Only do so if your tarot reader recommends it because what matters most is their meaning of the card. 

Do not use tarot as your sole decision making tool – it is advice, not fact. Tarot is not well suited for precise, close-ended questions. It works best when the intent is for one’s highest good, and the questions are open-ended and introspective in nature.

It is best to enquire about events that will occur soon since tarot readings pick up on current energies. It will be a waste to enquire about far off events since there are a multitude of factors at play and the reading will most likely be void by the time it happens.

Please Note

I cannot do readings about subjects in which I have no knowledge. So for example, I can’t do questions on financial investments because I have no idea how that system works so I can’t overlay it onto my cards to read them. 

I tend to ask for more detail about their situation while I read. This is because every card has thousands of meanings based on the context so I’ll need clarification to ensure I’m communicating the message correctly. Sometimes the extra detail doesn’t help. In that case, I’ll offer all possible interpretations and ask which one resonates best.

My deck spits out as many cards as it wants regardless of the actual spread. I don’t draw specific cards, I shuffle till cards fall out on their own. So, your reading will likely have more cards than advertised.

Offered Readings

These include but are not limited to the below mentioned spreads. Let me know if what you want isn’t on this list and I can make a custom reading for your needs in the same price range. 

Three Cats in a Trenchcoat for $3. As the name gives away, a minimum of 3 cards are drawn for a short insight or to gain an overview or get direction regarding a multitude of topics. Note that the relationship spreads work for platonic, familial, romantic, destined, and karmic bonds. 

General: Past | Present | Future

General: Current Situation | Obstacle | Advice

General: Situation | Action | Outcome

General: Beginning | Middle | End

General: Start | Growth | Decay

Self-discovery: Mind | Body | Spirit

Self-discovery: You | Current Path | Potential

Self-discovery: Life Purpose | What Qualities | Action

Self-discovery: Needs | Wants | Fears

Self-discovery: Past Self | Present Self | Future Self

Self-discovery: Lesson You Need | Why | Action

Past: What Worked | What Didn’t | Key Lessons

Healing: Cords to Cut | Heal your Heart | Nurture Yourself

Healing: Be Aware | Remember | Let Go

Future: Aspiration | Obstacle | Solution

Future: What Helps | What Hinders | Unrealized Potential

Relationship: Intentions | Trustworthy? | Advice

Relationship: Teach Me | Need from Me | Relationship

Relationship: You | The Other Person | Nature of Relationship

Relationship: Soulmate? | Need to Know | Will it Last?

Relationship: Your Wants | Their Wants | Where It’s Heading

Relationship: Strength | Weakness | Obstacle

Relationship: Pulls Together | Pushes Apart | Needs Attention

Relationship: Conflict | Areas of Agreement | Resolution

Relationship: Outer Conflict | Inner Conflict | Relationship

Relationship: Real Issue | Next Action | Ultimate Destination

Conflict: The Nature of a Problem | The Cause | The Solution

Conflict: False Issue | Real Issue | Your Role

Conflict: Why | What | Resolution

Decision-making: Strengths | Weaknesses | Advice

Decision-making: Opportunities | Challenges | Outcome

Decision-making: Yes Outcome | No Outcome | Maybe Outcome

Decision-making: Option 1 | Option 2 | Option 3

Decision-making: Solution 1 | Solution 2 | How to Choose

Decision-making: Best Case | Worst Case | Probable Outcome

Decision-making: Choice | Pros | Cons

Career: Hobby | Possible Career Development | First Step

Career: Opportunities | Distractions | Action

Career: Job Positives | Job Negatives | Change - to +

Career: Pros of Quitting | Cons | Advice

Career: New Career Suggestion | Advice | Outcome of Quitting

The Monster Inside for $6. A minimum of 6 cards are drawn to identify the darkest aspect of your self, the area of your life it most affects, your inner demon, how you understand/accept/heal from it, what actions you can take to overcome it and grow, and the possible outcome.

Love Me, Love Me Not for $9. A minimum of 6 cards are drawn to see how your crush feels about you, whether a relationship would work, how to attract them, how dating them would be, whether you should confess, and whether they’ll play a special role in your life.

Knock Knock. It’s the Universe, Asshole for $9. As many cards as required will be drawn to know what the universe thinks you need to know at this moment. What does it want to tell you? What advice does it have for you? 

I’m BTS’s XXX for $9. This reading is strictly for fun and entertainment purposes! As many cards as required will be drawn to see what kind of relationship you’d have which your chosen member of BTS and how you’d meet if your paths were to cross. 

Yoda on the Loose for $12. A minimum of 10 cards are drawn for general advice about yourself, your mind, body, spirit, friends and family, romance, hobbies, career, finances, and challenges.

It’s My Year, Bitches for $15. A minimum of 12 cards are drawn for your previous year in summary, what you’ve learned from the past year, what you aspire to in the next twelve months, what empowers you to reach it, what may stand in your way, relationships and emotions in the upcoming year, career and work and finances, health and well-being, spiritual energy and inner fulfillment, what you need to focus on for the year ahead, most important lesson in the upcoming year, and where you’re headed overall in the coming twelve months. Well suited for birthdays and New Year’s.

Know Thyself to Know the Universe for $21. A minimum of 15 cards are drawn to find out your best and worst qualities, what makes you attractive, your needs and wants, how you love and how you need to receive love, the type of partner that would best fit you, the key lesson you’re supposed to learn in this lifetime, and your purpose of existence.

@Cupid Watch Out Sweaty for $30. A minimum of 20 cards are drawn for an in-depth relationship spread about the true you in context of your role in the relationship, the true them, how they see you, how you see them, the past of the relationship if applicable, where it stands now, what lies in store for the future, what brings you together, what pulls you apart, your wants, their needs, challenges, how to love each other etc.

Let me know if you have any questions! I look forward to reading for you :^)

Sources: Several spreads are by Biddy Tarot, My Wandering Fool, Lunar Cafe, Self Tarot while others are my own. Do not steal my spreads, ask me for permission first.

Note: Do not use the copy from this post for personal or commercial purposes. Use it as a guideline to write your own with visible, explicit credit that has a working link back to this blog.

[bri-chihaya]

Star Crossed

Read on AO3

Adora had the blue mark on the inside of her arm for as long as she could remember. For most of her childhood she hadn’t had a reason to question it. Like most things that she took for granted, it was Catra who brought the significance of her mark to her attention.

There hadn’t been anything special about that day. They’d just finished a training session and had come back to their sleeping area to change into clothes that didn’t reek and stick to them. This was one of the rare times where Adora and Catra were alone in the large room. Adora liked these moments, they were the only ones where she felt she could let her guard down and just breathe.

Once she’d dumped her old clothes in the laundry bin, Adora let herself fall onto her bed. Her gaze drifted toward Catra in time for her to notice a smaller, different blue shape of lines on her friend’s collar. It was just low enough to be covered by her shirt.

“What?” Catra gave her a pointed look when she caught Adora staring.

“Nothing.” Adora had tried to tear her eyes away, but it was as if the mark had locked onto her.

“Okay,” Catra drew out the word. “It’s not that weird, you have one too.”

Adora glanced down at her own arm, even though the mark was covered by her shirt sleeves. Her mark was always covered, the uniform she wore made sure of that. 

“How did you know?” Adora asked, her hand subconsciously touching the spot.

“I’ve seen it.” Catra rolled her eyes. “We change in the same room all the time, stupid. You don’t exactly try to hide it.”

“Right.” Adora looked back up at Catra in time to watch her cover the mark with shirt. Catra let out a sigh and plopped herself next to Adora on the bed. 

“What do you think they mean?” She asked.

“What?” Adora turned to her.

“The marks,” Catra stated.

“What makes you think they mean something?” Adora asked her.

“Because,” Catra shrugged. “You have one, I have one, theres gotta be something behind them.”

“We could ask somebody,” Adora suggested. 

“Right,” Catra laughed. “I’ll just waltz up to Shadow Weaver and tell her that I really want to know what this weird blue thing on my neck means.”

“We could ask someone else,” Adora nudged Catra’s shoulder. “Someone who doesn’t hate you.”

“Nah,” Catra leaned back on the bed. “The people here don’t answer things like that.”

“Well, then we’ll have to find out on our own,” Adora decided. “Together.”

“Right,” Catra smiled. “We’ll do that. Someday.”

“Promise?” Adora held out her hand.

“Promise,” Catra grinned as she grasped it with her own. 

After that Adora didn’t think much about the marks. They became one of the many little promised that tied her and Catra together—the promises that made up a bond she’d once thought was stronger than any force. Back then, she had no way of knowing how simply it would all be shattered.

Living in Bright Moon took some getting used to. Everything was different, and there were times where, despite everything, she found herself missing the life she’d had before. Still, she was grateful that even that quiet melancholy never made her question whether she had made the right choice. She was certain she was where she was supposed to be, she just wished that she understood why that made her heart feel empty.

Out of all the things that joining the rebellion and her new friends had brought her, Adora never thought that the answer to the question Catra had asked her back when they were children was one of them. She was in Glimmer’s room when it happened. She was trying to follow along with the story that Bow was telling them, while also mentally adding to the list of things she was going to have to later ask for clarification on.

Her eyes were scanning the room when they happened to land on Glimmer who was currently sprawled across her sofa. The way that she was lying made the hem of her pants ride up slightly, revealing a bright blue design on her thigh.

“You have one too?” Adora jumped up from the chair she’d been sitting on.

“What?” Glimmer started, looking up at her in confusion.

“That mark,” Adora pointed to her leg.

“Um, yeah?” Glimmer raised an eyebrow. “Everyone does.”

“Really?” That was news to Adora. 

She’d thought that her and Catra were the only ones. She’d never noticed anything like that tattooed on the rest of her teammates. Then again, she couldn’t remember ever being close enough to them to have noticed in the first place.

“They don’t tell you about soulmates in the Horde?” Bow gasped, apparently connecting the dots.

“Soulmates?” Adora looked from Bow to Glimmer.

“That’s just what people call them,” Glimmer sat up from the couch. “The marks are supposed to turn blue when you meet the most important person in your life.”

“Mine has always been blue,” Adora touched the spot on her arm where the mark was covered by her shirt.

“That means you must have met your soulmate when you were really young,” Bow told her. He held out the inside of his wrist. “See, mine is still grey.”

“It doesn’t technically have to be your soulmate,” Glimmer gave Bow a pointed look. “Sometimes, like for my parents, it’s the person that you’re meant to be with romantically, but for a lot of people it’s plutonic, sometimes it’s even unrequited.”

“But that’s rare,” Bow cut in. “For most people it’s romantic. People say that the mark actually mean the person’s name in First One’s language, and that they somehow created the link so that they could find their soulmates.”

“Which makes it confusing for us now,” Glimmer crossed her arms. “Since the only way we can know is keeping track of when it turns blue and some of us aren’t constantly staring at our marks.”

“She’s bitter about it because she doesn’t know who made her’s change,” Bow whispered to Adora.

“That’s not—” Glimmer suddenly paused. “Bow!”

“Um, yeah, Glimmer?” He gave her a confused look.

“The writing is in First One’s language!” Glimmer sprung to her feet before teleporting in-between Adora and Bow. “Adora can read First One’s language!”

Adora watched Bow’s eyes widen with excitement.

“We can finally find your soulmate!” Bow exclaimed, all but dancing around the two of them. “Adora what does Glimmer’s say?” 

Glimmer hiked her pants leg up enough for the blue design to be fully displayed. Adora focused on the lettering. She still didn’t understand how reading a language she didn’t know worked, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she could recognize the lines. Somehow they formed letters that melted into the language and alphabet that she knew.

Bow

“I can’t read it,” Adora blurted. “Sorry. It’s not working.”

“But you could read the door at that temple,” Bow reminded her. 

“I know,” Adora knew she wasn’t a great liar. 

Still, she wasn’t going to read Glimmer’s mark out loud with Bow in the room, not when she knew that his still hadn’t turned blue yet. They just said that sometimes soulmates could be unrequited. Adora didn’t want to be the one to tell Glimmer that she was fated to love someone who didn’t love her back, or Bow that his was destine to break his best friend’s heart. 

“It’s okay,” Glimmer put a hand on Adora’s shoulder. “Maybe we’re not supposed to know what the marks mean.”

“Yeah,” Adora quickly agreed. 

They let the subject go and for the rest of the day Adora tried to keep her mind off of wondering who’s name was written on her own arm. She didn’t want to look at it while Bow and Glimmer were around her, she could tell they barely believed her lie and knew that rolling up her sleeve to study her mark would give her away. That didn’t make it any easier to keep her mind off of it.

For as long as she could remember, her mark had been the shade of blue that it was now. That had to mean that she first met whoever her soulmate was back when she was too young to recall. It meant that they were in the Horde.

That made a pit form in Adora’s stomach. Shadow Weaver had taken her in back when she was a baby, there was no chance that she had met her soulmate before then. She told herself that this was okay. She had friends who cared about her, and a life that was finally her own. She didn’t need romance—even if she wanted it. 

It was only that night when Adora was sitting on her bed that she dared to pull her sleeve over her elbow and expose the blue design. She felt her breath catch in her chest, but, somehow she wasn’t surprised—somehow she had always known that the name her eyes were scanning really was the most important person in her life.

Catra

A soft knock on her door pulled Adora’s eyes away from writing. Quickly, she pulled her sleeve back down. That absence of it didn’t stop the cold longing in her chest. 

Longing for what? The girl she’d let behind? Adora had chosen to leave the Horde. She had chosen to do the right thing, and she still stood by that choice. She had made it clear to herself and everyone else that she wasn’t going to stand aside while others got hurt. She was better than that. She was a good person.

She just wasn’t good enough for Catra to come with her. 

“Adora?” Glimmer called from outside the room. “Are you asleep?”

“No,” Adora called back. “You can come in.”

Not bothering with opening and closing the door, Glimmer teleported to the middle of Adora’s room, then to next to her on the bed. There was a nervous look on her face. That wasn’t something that Adora saw in Glimmer often. Glimmer was always so confident and bright, right now there was a dark haze around her. 

“Hey,” Adora mustered a small smile. “Something wrong?”

“Can I ask you something?” Glimmer met her eyes now.

“Yeah,” Adora nodded. “What’s up?”

“Were you lying when you said you couldn’t read my mark?” Glimmer asked in a soft voice.

“Yeah,” Adora admitted. She’d promised herself that she would eventually tell at least Glimmer the truth. It was only fair to her.

“I thought so,” Glimmer’s hand made a fist in Adora’s bed sheets. “It’s Bow’s name, isn’t it? On my leg, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Adora uttered again. “I didn’t know if you wanted him to know. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Glimmer smiled now. It didn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks for protecting my feelings. Well, I guess both of our feelings.”

“Did you know?” Adora couldn’t help asking. “He said you had no idea who your soulmate was.”

“I had a feeling,” Glimmer sighed. “Okay, I guess I had to have known the whole time. I just didn’t want to accept it.”

“I’m sorry,” Adora wished that there was something else she could say.

“It’s fine,” Glimmer shook her head. “I can deal with it. I mean, he’s my best friend. That’s not going to change.”

“Do you want to tell him?” Adora asked.

“Not now,” Glimmer shook her head. “Not any time soon.”

“That’s fair,” Adora told her.

“I guess.” Glimmer closed her eyes. Adora realized that she was trying very hard not to cry. “What does yours say?”

Adora silently pulled up her leave again, as if the meaning behind the marking could have some how changed. Gingerly, she traced the lines that part of her wished she really couldn’t read. Maybe not knowing would have been easier.

“It says Catra,” Adora told Glimmer.

“That name sounds familiar.” Concern spread over Glimmer’s face.

“She’s the one we keep fighting,” Adora said bitterly. “I mean, it makes sense. For so much of my life she was the most important person to me. In a way, she still is. I wish I was that important to her.”

“You don’t know that you’re not,” Glimmer said softly. “Unrequited soulmates are supposed to be rare.”

“I asked her to come with me and she wouldn’t,” Adora winced. “She put the Horde before me. I can’t be her soulmate.”

Glimmer wrapped her arms around Adora. The hug didn’t warm the ice that had taken hold of her heart, but it made her feel a little bit less empty. For so long, the only person she ever hugged was Catra, but this didn’t feel like the fleeting embraces they’d stolen between training sessions, lectures, and punishments. 

“That means we’re in the same boat,” Glimmer murmured. “At least we have each other.”

“Yeah,” Adora hummed. “We’ll make sure we’re never alone.”

“Promise?” Glimmer asked softly.

“Promise,” Adora repeated.

She didn’t tell Glimmer that all of the promises she’d made before had died that moment that she told Catra she couldn’t go back to what once had been their home.

They didn’t talk about soulmates after that. Adora was slowly able to stop herself from dwelling on the meaning behind the blue mark on her skin. In a few days, Glimmer seemed back to her usual, cheerful self. Occasionally, Adora would notice a flicker of sadness in her eyes. At those moments, she did her best to remind Glimmer that they were in this together.

“It’s okay if you want to talk about it, you know,” Glimmer told her one night. The sleepovers were starting to become a regular thing. This time Bow had gone home for the night.

“I know,” Adora sighed. “Thanks. I just, don’t feel like I have to.”

Because once Adora had gotten over the shock of the universe’s confirmation at her and Catra’s joined fates, nothing had really changed. Adora had always been in love with Catra. She had been ever since they were children, and deep down she’d know that her feelings hadn’t severed when she left the Horde. That was the problem with feelings, you couldn’t just turn them off. 

But if there was one thing that Adora had learned from living in the Horde all those years it was how to solider on. Adora accepted that she loved someone who couldn’t love her back, someone who had declared herself her enemy. At least now, she understood all of that.

And then Catra let her go.

For some reason, Catra had given her sword back and let her and Glimmer escape, and as much as Adora’s mind was on finding a way to heal her friend she couldn’t shake the warmth that the idea of Catra maybe not hating her after all put in her chest. 

She still wasn’t ready for all of the emotions that she felt when Catra appeared at the First One’s temple. Seeing every tiny, important moment of their lives together literally flash in front of her eyes was hard enough, without her breath catching every time their hands brushed—every time Catra got just a little bit too close. 

It didn’t used to hurt like this. There used to be excitement, and the thrill of being this near to someone that she wanted so much, but now the only thing she felt was the dull pain of knowing that this could never be. Not anymore, maybe not ever.

It was that maybe that was driving Adora insane. Not knowing what was going on in Catra’s head was going to break her own. Wrestling with all the emotions that she’d felt as a child, and finally having the argument that some how Adora had known was building up between the two of them for their whole lives, made her snap. 

As Catra was about to storm away from her, Adora reached forward and grasped the collar of her shirt, pulling it down until the blue mark she had only seen once in her life was fully visible.

Adora

“What are you doing?” Catra shouted.

“It says my name,” Adora uttered. She felt like shock had completely seised hold of her. “I’m your soulmate.”

Then Catra was shoving Adora away, breaking her hold on the collar—not that it mattered now that the meaning of the mark was violently echoing in Adora’s mind. 

“You need to start making sense,” Catra all but growled out. “Now.”

“It’s a long story,” Adora stammered. Her brain furiously rewriting every moment, every encounter, they’d had since she left the Horde. All this time, she had still been the most important person to Catra. “But I can read your mark.”

“No,” Catra visibly stiffened. “That’s impossible.”

“I’m not lying, it says my name,” Adora took a step closer to her. “Just like how mine says yours and—”

“Yours does not say my name,” Catra hissed. It took a second for the understanding in her voice to sink in.

“You know what they are,” Adora felt stunned for the second time. 

“What?” Catra’s eyes widened. 

“You’re not questioning why it would say your name or what that even means,” Adora knew she was right. “You’re just getting angry, because you know that we’re—” 

“We’re not anything,” Catra crossed her arms. “And yeah, Force Captain Scorpia’s a princess, she told me what they mean. So I guess that’s one of the many promises you failed to hold up.”

“Catra—”

“Can we just focus on getting out of here?” Catra snapped. 

“Mine does say your name” Adora pressed. “I wouldn’t lie to you about it. You know that I wouldn’t.”

“No, Adora,” Catra’s voice was cold now. “I don’t know anything about you, anymore. Don’t you get that?”

“Well, you could actually listen!” Adora shouted. “And not act like me leaving was about you.”

“Oh, that’s great to know,” Catra laughed. It sounded broken and venomous. “My best friend that I’ve only been in love with since I can remember, who is apparently my soulmate, just abandoned me, but at least it’s not about me!”

“You’re in love with me?”

“Shut up,” Catra sneered. 

“You could have come with me, you know?” Adora took hold of Catra’s hand. “You still can. Catra, I—”

“I don’t want to,” Catra pulled away from her grasp again. “I want to stay in the Horde. Don’t worry, it’s not like that’s about you.” 

And then Catra was storming away from her and whatever chance Adora had or never had of getting the woman that she loved back was gone. What might have been hours or minutes later, when she was hanging for her life and Catra appeared before her, Adora finally felt her heart break. 

They were never going to be on the same side. There was always going to be this between them.

“I’m sorry.” Adora needed to say it. Even if she still wouldn’t change leaving, even if she’d never meant to hurt Catra, even if this was how it was always going to fall out, she was sorry.

“I’m sorry too,” Catra said softly.

“I love you.” Adora didn’t know if she’d get the chance to say that again.

“You know what, maybe we are soulmates,” Catra shook her head. “Maybe you do love me back. Maybe all of this wasn’t supposed to happen, but you know what, that doesn’t matter.”

Catra bent down and reached over the ledge. She grasped Adora’s arm and pulled her up, so that she was just close enough for them to see each other at eye level, but not enough for Adora to be able to pull herself to safety. 

“Because I am never going to be enough for you, you’re never going to put me first,” Catra said. “And now I’m not putting you first either.”

“Catra, wait don’t—”

Adora’s words were cut off by Catra’s lips meeting her own. She closed her eyes and kissed her back. She kissed her even though she was so close to losing everything, she kissed her even though this wasn’t going to change anything, she kissed her even though this was never going to happen again. Adora kissed Catra because she loved her, and at least now she knew Catra loved her back no matter how star crossed their fate was.

“Goodbye, Adora.” Then Catra let go.

[gdrawsthings]

Of broken hearts, of broken lungs

Pairing: Valdemar x Apprentice; mentions of Julian x Apprentice (depending on personal interpretation) Genre: Angst, Gore, No happy ending, Hanahaki disease Rating: Teens+ Warnings: explicit gore Word count: 4120

A tall, lithe figure watches you from a distance. You’re putting on your lab clothes and surgical mask before entering the infected area with a couple of other doctors, and, even down here, you’re the only one except for them that is still able to crack a joke, with the difference that Valdemar has only ever been able to creep everyone out, while you somehow manage to make them laugh with your friendly and whimsical nature. Even them, no matter how many times they listen, could bring themself to hate that ring in your voice, and sometimes they wonder if it is what you say or if it is you yourself that makes them feel this alien warmth inside their chest from time to time.

They catch one last curling upwards of your lips before you cover them with the white fabric and walk through the gate. What has just made you smile so sweetly just now? Their clever, crimson eyes look at how you subconsciously cover your mouth, even when the mask has already been placed over it, as you laugh, before deciding that they really need to focus on the infected eye bulb they’re currently dissecting.

“Good morning, Doctor,” you say as you approach their table, and they can hear in your voice that the smile is still on your face.

“Good morning,” they reply. They act as if it is the first time they’ve lifted their eyes from their test subject; for some reason, they feel that they needed to hide that you had already distracted them.

You converse for a few minutes about nothing in particular; things like the weather, a passage in the last book you read that made you think, how you found a loose strand of thread on your skirt. You’re probably the only human being they don’t hate to have some small talk with. They even enjoy it, to an extent. It’s just that you can never seem to run out of things to say to each other, and it’s so… refreshing.

“That’s because I find what you say endlessly interesting, Doctor Valdemar,” you tell them in pure frankness in answer to them voicing that thought.

Amazed, Valdemar doesn’t know how to answer, so they just take advantage of the mask they are also wearing to cover whatever expression they are making – they really have no idea –, and simply change the topic to the red sclera of the eye between their fingers.

They’re thankful you don’t notice how stiff they have become when you, deeply fascinated as always, close the distance between yourself and the doctor to watch closely as Valdemar lists in detail all the components of the organ.

Endlessly interesting. Can you imagine? They think that what I say is endlessly interesting, they repeat over and over inside their head, privately smiling to themself as the hours pass.

For the next few days, they try to ignore, with little success, how this one simple thing you said won’t stop replaying on loop in their thoughts.

Quite frankly, this is embarrassing.

--

Your eyes sparkle as you read a medical book. You’re sitting on the floor of the laboratory as you turn the pages and look at the beautiful anatomical drawings, the heavy leather cover resting over your legs, and you look so peaceful, and Valdemar thinks that it wouldn’t be so bad to just watch you reading forever.

“Enjoying your read?” they ask you from their standing position on the other side of the lab.

“Very much so,” you chirp with the sweetest expression on your face.

They linger in the sound of your little laugh, and, even if they won’t admit it to themself yet, they fall just a bit harder, right then and there.

--

Weeks have passed, and it’s around the days in the Gemini-Cancer cusp when Valdemar coughs up a long and silky something for the first time.

When they look down at the object they are clutching in their hand, they see a couple of bright orange and indigo petals, and they recognize them immediately. They belong to a flower called “bird of paradise”. They would know: they’re your favorite flowers – Valdemar remembers you mentioning the fact one time at the lab, after which they had immediately done some research to know how they looked like, how to take care of them and where to find them.

As far as they know, they haven’t eaten any flowers lately, and they’re pretty sure none of their subordinates tried to suffocate them with petals in their sleep. Also, unfortunately, strelitzias have never been imported to Vesuvia, which begs the question: how in the world did they end up inside Valdemar’s mouth?

They cast a brief glance at you: you’ve been talking with one of the doctors during your break, one of the tall ones, a red head. Doctor 069, if they remember correctly, the one that doodles a lot. Seems like their cough momentarily interrupted the conversation you were having, but, after your question if everything’s alright and a simple nod from Valdemar, you resume talking with the Devorak guy as if nothing had happened, and Valdemar can’t quite figure out the reason behind the irritation they feel as they look at the two of you standing close to each other.

Unable to find an answer for whatever strange event just took place – probably something magical in nature –, they tuck the petals away in the front pocket of their apron and decide that they will need to think about it later.

--

“How does it feel?”

Valdemar looks up from the surgical tools they’ve been cleaning after the last mess at the lab and meets your gaze. You have this habit of asking incomprehensible questions, lost as you are inside your head, and then not explaining yourself, which sometimes irritates them. This is one of those times, so they slowly turn a pair of scissors to check for residual blood stains, making their disinterest in such a vague question clear before asking for clarifications. They sigh.

“How does what feel like, if I may ask?”

“You know…” you explain, suddenly a little self-conscious, “being there when people die, I guess. Watching the light leave their eyes, experiencing their despair, all the time, every day.”

“Why don’t you ask your friend, doctor Devorak,” they tell you, their voice coming out more bitter than they had intended, and they feel something like a lump forming in the lower section of their throat.

“I’m sure he will be glad to answer any question of yours thoroughly.”

“But I asked you” you insist, sounding almost offended for some reason. They really can’t understand how you think, sometimes.

How troublesome.

No one has ever asked how Valdemar feels, and they never even thought it ever mattered, so they need to take a few minutes of silence to reflect on what they’re going to say as they rummage through their tools. When they’re done, Valdemar then regards you with cold eyes and, reluctantly, answers.

“I learned not to care about the emotional implications of death. My job does not require me to. It would be a hindrance, in fact.”

You seem dissatisfied with the answer, judging by the deep frown on your face, and that doesn’t make Valdemar happy at all. You open your mouth to say something, just to close it soon after. After a few moments, you seem to have gathered the courage to speak again.

“… What if it was someone you love?”

Their heart skips a beat. Strange.

Someone I love…

The very idea seems foolish to Valdemar. The only thing that they can say they love is their job. One could even say they’re married to it. They don’t need anything else, they tell themself, even while looking at you. They half-heartedly dismiss the possibility saying:

“It wouldn’t make any difference. Everybody dies, magician-”

“Not if we can do anything to stop it,” you suddenly shout.

Valdemar twitches. They didn’t expect you to sound that angry, or angry at all for that matter, but you do, and they can’t help but feel accountable for it.

Disappointed, you storm out the room, not even bothering to say another word, and the door shuts loudly behind your back.

Valdemar coughs. The petals clogging their trachea are so long that they need to pull them out using their fingers, and the way it feels as they slide up Valdemar’s throat is awfully similar to vomiting.

Their beautiful colors, mixed with spit and a few drops of blood, shine under the flickering light of the oil lamps.

They look so pretty, just like you is their daring thought, and Valdemar’s chest feels tight.

--

Valdemar happens to be looking in your direction as you pass by three books on a shelf. The middle one is slightly slanted to the side. The title interested you enough to pick it up and read its cover. After a couple of minutes, you carefully put it down.

You don’t seem to really like how it was placed before; they can tell from the hint of dissatisfaction on your features, one they learned to know well through the weeks you spent in each other’s company. You make a little more space for it so that its back can be fully touching the back of the shelf now. Still not convinced, you adjust it so that it’s placed like before, just for you to decide against asymmetry and place it again on the shelf in the way you had firstly intended.

Valdemar quietly chuckles at your adorable indecision. You don’t notice them looking at you, and they feel both like they are scientifically observing your behavior and like they are blessed to be the only one able to see how you act when you think no one is watching.

The moment is brusquely interrupted when Doctor Devorak calls your name. Such an irritating voice, Devorak’s. He wants to ask your opinion on one of his cases, and you are quick to comply.

He has the audacity – the nerve! – to touch your face in order to adjust a lock of hair behind your ear, and Valdemar finds it absolutely unforgivable.

You laugh and smile at him, and Valdemar can see your affection for Doctor 069 blooming inside your pupils.

Valdemar wants to push Julian, to kick him, they want to throw him out of his laboratory and to rip his hair off and to scream and to cry.

And they hate it.

Such repulsive feelings inside their heart are useless. Utterly, utterly useless. So why can’t they get rid of them?

Valdemar laughs at their pitiful self in the quiet of their office, and chokes on the petals that flood their mouth as they do so.

--

When the Count appointed Valdemar as Head of Research for the plague, they knew it would be a gruesome job. He had given them no guidelines whatsoever for their experiments, and, as his own life was on the line, Lucio had made it very clear from the start that he had no time to worry about moral codes, and that the doctors he hired should do the same. Needless to say, Valdemar disregarded and still disregards ethics with pleasure time and time again. The end justifies the means, and they are willing to make use of any means possible, so long as they get to have fun while doing it.

Their insatiable curiosity, at the core of the true calling of medicine for Valdemar, has always outweighed any genuine concern for the victims of the epidemic. Curiosity for the nature of things, for how they function, for how substances interact with each other to create a new one with characteristics unique to itself, and the need for a better understanding of the human body have always been the deepest reason behind their every action. Far from having any philanthropic sense of obligation towards others, Valdemar genuinely feels compelled to study phenomena, to propose hypotheses and to face risks in order to gain answers, or maybe more, stranger and more exciting questions, wherever they may lead; all in the name of what they like to call an “instinct for death”. And that means that they feel no guilt whatsoever in playing even with their own mind or body, so long as it doesn’t compromise Valdemar’s ability to function.

And this time, it seems like they will be forced to play, whether they want it or not.

…

They’ve been researching on their peculiar condition for a while now. Only one forgotten scroll in the restricted section of their medical library seems to hold the answer. The results are… interesting, to say the least.

“Hanahaki byou (花吐き病) or Hanahaki Disease is a rare chronic condition of yet unknown cause, characterized by recurring attacks of intense nausea, followed by vomiting flower petals, sometimes abdominal pain, fatigue, fever and respiratory problems. As the vomiting doesn’t involve the digestive system but the respiratory one, acid and bile won’t pile up, resulting in dry discharge, which can prove to be equally if not more abrasive to the inner walls than regular vomit. If it is severe enough or the petals scrape the trachea during an attack causing internal wounds, the sufferer may also vomit blood. Sufferers may retch up to 15 times in one hour, depending on the gravity of the condition. HHD typically develops after-”

…

Valdemar’s hands twitch as they hold the scroll. It can’t be it. They’re not the type to fall victim of something as trivial as-... They can’t be suffering from-

“- heartbreak.”

…

Valdemar’s face scrunches up in confusion. The word sounds way too strange when coming from their own mouth, as if it weren’t supposed to ever fit in there. When they say it out loud, it feels clumsy, and weird, and wrong. They’re not supposed to pronounce it. They’re not supposed to feel it. They’re not supposed to-

“Valdemar? What are you doing down here in the middle of the night?”

You. Of course it’s you.

“I could be asking the same of you.”

They were so preoccupied they didn’t hear you approaching the library’s restricted section, which made them jump a little when they heard your voice calling for them. Your hand is resting on an old column, a precaution against tripping in the dark.

“I couldn’t find you anywhere else, so I came down here. I just wanted to ask you about-…”

Valdemar swallows, trying to ignore the irresistible tickle low in their throat as your eyes meet. The urge to cough is too strong, but they can’t show you the petals. They stand up shakily and put on a smile, but you’re way too clever not to notice the façade they’re putting on.

That’s why they fell for you in the first place.

“Are you alright?” you ask, tentatively. They know you know. You can see something’s wrong, as you always do. Your keen, delightful eye for detail recognizes insincerity in their expression, so Valdemar evades the problem by giving you their back as they close the scroll and put it away.

“Yes, yes. I’m perfectly fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare my table for tomorrow morning’s dissection.”

Before you can inquire further, Valdemar mutters a farewell, quickly slides past your petite form and almost stumbles on the stairs leading to their office. They close the door behind them as quickly as they can and put gauzes between their teeth to muffle the sounds of yet another violent coughing fit. They fall on their knees clutching their chest in unbearable pain.

When they try to catch their breath, it only makes it worse. This time they find themself truly unable to stop coughing and vomiting. And it’s only thanks to the adrenaline in their veins that they somehow manage to stop as soon as they can hear you jiggling the doorknob in vain.

“Valdemar… Valdemar please, I need to know what’s wrong,” you shout from the other side of the door, and there is panic in your cracking voice.

You wait in silence for an answer that never comes.

“I’ll… I’ll be out here for anything, okay? I will call Julian too if you need another pair of hands.”

I will call Julian. Huh.

Valdemar, frustrated, twists their free hand, the one that is not holding the gauzes over their mouth, in their apron.

They hate that name.

They despise the coiling anger in their guts whenever you pronounce it.

They hate the feeling of loss for something that was never theirs to begin with.

They hate the grief that you make them feel.

“Go away.”

…

“… please,” they correct themself at the last second, as calmly sounding as possible, hoping that they didn’t sound too out of character.

You hesitate for a moment in front of their door, then they finally hear your steps getting farther away, until they can’t be heard anymore.

They resume coughing up a maelstrom of petals and blood to the point they could scatter them around and cover their office’s entire floor with them and still have some petals left. Valdemar picks them up one by one and throws them all in the fireplace, careful not to leave the littlest trace of them anywhere.

…

From that day on, you periodically stare at them with concerned eyes, Valdemar notices. Sometimes, when they catch your gaze fixed on them from your table at the lab, you look like you want to soothe their weariness away, somehow. You don’t know it, but there’s nothing you can do to help them. This will not get better. Not naturally, at least. There is only one way to survive.

I need to operate.

--

The evening of the next day, Valdemar makes sure they are the last person left at the laboratory before locking the gate. They personally escort you out, almost forcefully when you try to resist and stay, but, as much as they enjoy your company, this is something they need to do alone.

They prepare the stage as calmly as they can, hanging a large mirror on the ceiling over the operating table, and take their time to gather all the tools they will need for the operation. Once they begin, they will not be able to walk away and get the ones they have forgotten.

Almost an hour passes before they are sure they can commence.

With cold blood and precision, without even flinching, Valdemar makes an incision into the side of their own naked chest, one that follows the curve of their ribs. If they were operating on anyone else they wouldn’t need to, but in order to see if they’re doing it right, their hands are forced to move through the blood and open flesh to remove part of their ribs. Sweat falls down their temple and between their eyes and is caught on the fabric of the surgical mask, the falling of each drop going unnoticed by their focused crimson glare. The pain is almost impossible to bear as they remove a portion of the rib bone to access the lung, but they can’t afford to faint in the middle of the operation.

This is what I have come to, Valdemar ponders as they catch the first glimpse of an explosion of bright colors under the ribs reflected on the mirror over their head. It’s truly a wonder to gaze at: the roots of the flowers are tangled like cancerous tissue all over their lungs, in a horrible mess of green vines and burgundy, suffering organs. No wonder they were struggling to breathe, when the long leaves and the beak-like sheaths of the flowers were invading their entire respiratory system so violently that they could very well pass for hard iron thread clenching a wet sponge.

It takes many hours of cutting, draining pleura and blood and making space for their fingers to move between the bronchi to remove all of the plants growing inside and outside the lungs, inside their throat and extending all over their ribcage, and Valdemar unwillingly cuts off portions of both organs when the flowers’ clenching power resists even their hardest attempt at taming them. Once they’re done, they’re weak, but at least they can breathe again.

Valdemar’s heart breaks for the last time when the last of the petals falls on the ground, a beautiful, bright stripe of orange swaying from the open air to the ground as Valdemar’s eyes follow it and tears fill their vision.

Their body is finally freed of the disease. With it comes un uncomfortable sense of emptiness that they only notice once they’ve stitched themself up and are putting their clothes on again.

Now there’s no burden left to bear inside their soul.

“Good riddance” are the first words that escape Valdemar’s lips in the silence of the empty laboratory after the lobectomy, and it is with some bitterness that they acknowledge they are truly speaking their mind.

They do not smile.

--

“And what is your favorite flower, Doctor Valdemar?” you asked that day, months ago. “Don’t tell me it’s the corpse flower, I will not accept that as an answer, it would be way too predictable.”

“As much as I am fascinated by the amorphophallus titanum’s smell and shape, no, I would not call them my favorite flowers,” Valdemar replied, their expression smug as they saw you trying to figure out what flower they could possibly favor if not that one.

“Oh. Oh! It could be the snapdragon seed pod! Everyone says they look like a dragon, but I disagree; they resemble little skulls much more than dragons to me. Or the voodoo lily, that one’s pretty evil looking, no? Oh, but wait, the voodoo lily is not a flower per se…”

They let you ramble about strange plants and gesticulate with your hands, almost hitting a colleague’s face while doing so, for a couple more minutes, amused by your unexpectedly wide knowledge of peculiar plants. In the meantime, they calmly adjusted their headpiece, hiding the few strands of hair that had come out of it during the long hours of work. They finally told you in the seconds you took to catch your breath.

“Rainflowers.”

You raised an eyebrow. “… Wait, really? Rainflowers?”

“Yes, the white ones.”

“I know them. They’re very pretty. They mean “I love you back” in the language of flowers, if I remember correctly. Am I right?”

“Yes. At the same time, they mean “I must atone for my sins”.”

You grinned. “And how many sins do you have to atone for, Doctor?” you asked playfully.

“Probably more than I think. Just like the rest of us.”

--

In the following days, Valdemar resumes their work as if nothing happened. They greet you as they have always done for the few months they have known you. But something doesn’t feel right.

Somehow, Doctor Valdemar acts much more coldly towards you than before.

Small talk is reduced to the minimum, and most of your interactions are now limited to the strictly professional.

It hurts. So much.

Is it because of something you have done? You can’t be sure. But Valdemar would certainly tell you if that were the case. They don’t like to bear grudges or to leave things unsaid, even and especially when they’re hard truths. That’s one of their qualities you admire the most.

But if one thing is certain, it’s that something is terribly wrong with your friend and mentor, and there must be a really good reason they suddenly shut you out like that.

You try to ignore the change as best as you can, but… you miss how things were before.

You couldn’t truly understand how much you longed for Valdemar’s company until you got deprived of it, even if you could call most doctors at the lab your friends.

But Valdemar is not most doctors.

Valdemar is important to you.

Truly, truly important.

While you’re sobbing, you feel a tickling around your larynx. You try to clear your throat, but you gasp instead, and after a few coughs, you choke out a small white petal.

You cough a few more, and they land here and there on the floor of your room.

… Rainflowers?

Stained by a couple of blood drops, they remind you of Valdemar’s beautiful, intelligent eyes. Dejected, you press them to your lips before throwing them away.

--

One day, when they look in your direction just in time to catch you spitting them out and clumsily trying to hide them from view, Valdemar feels relieved.

If they still had a heart, they are sure that in that moment it would be breaking again.

[the-bujo-princess-blog]

How to be a Valedictorian

Let's face it, we all have some goals for ourselves.

For some, it includes entering a college of their choice, or building a great business, or maybe even being the valedictorian for your batch.

In this post, I'll write about my own personal experience and the tips and tricks that I used in order to become the batch valedictorian in high school.

Let me just start off by saying that this post is in no way created for me to brag, but to be helpful and to give out practical advice.

With that, let's get started! :)

#1 Evaluate your motives.

Out of everything, this is probably the most important step.

Evaluate your reasons. You must be able to answer the following questions:

Why am I doing this? Why do I want to achieve that honor? Who am I doing this for? Will this make me happy--even for a short while?

For me, my main reason why I wanted to become the valedictorian for my batch was because I wanted to test myself. I wanted to know whether or not I can achieve something if I put my heart and mind into it. I wanted to be proud of myself.

And also, I wanted to do it for my parents and family as a token of thanks for all their years of support.

You see, once you figure out your own reasons, the whole process would be so much easier for you.

Since you know why you're doing this, you'd have the strength to fight the burnout, the stress, and the millions of obstacles that would come your way.

#2 Realize that it's all about strategy.

The education system is streamlined and can easily be manipulated. Remember this.

Figure out how your system works and play by its rules.

Each school is different. There isn't a specific guide for everyone, so you have to do some bit of digging and find out how they choose the batch valedictorian.

What's the required grade?

What are the extra curricular activities that would weigh heavily in your favor?

What classes should you take?

What's the grading system like?

What's the percentage of extra-curricular activities in your overall grade?

What are the activities that you could participate in order to boost your chances?

This also goes with each of your classes.

What's the teacher like?

How does s/he grade you?

What are the outputs s/he usually gives out?

Is your teacher fond of giving you essays, recitations, or homework?

To add, you can also talk to or even simply observe your immediate upperclassmen, specifically your previous batch valedictorian.

What are their qualities?

What groups were they active members in?

What sort of clubs did they join?

Did they participate in any inter-school competitions?

What subjects did they excel in?

How did they interact with their teachers?

It's not all about getting top marks for everything, so don't rush in and think that you just have to be a  study beast in order to get that spot.

Play by the rules.

#3 Allocate an hour to advanced studying everyday.

I wish I applied this sooner.

I only started this trick on my last year of high school, when I was aiming for this goal.

The thing is, if you want to be able to achieve something you'd never achieved before, then you should be prepared to do things that you've never done before.

Form a habit to allocate an hour per day to advance studying and reviewing your lessons for the day.

This seems tedious, but trust me, it's really rewarding to always be prepared for quizzes that might come your way.

Personally, my ideal time is 4 o'clock in the morning until 5 a.m.

And at 5, I reward myself with a little bit of Internet surfing and lazing around before I have to get ready for school.

You can pick out any time that's convenient for you and stick to it religiously.

#4 Hold yourself accountable.

It's easy to lose track of things and just slack off, but you're going to have to hold on until the end of the school year, at least.

When studying, it's better to have something that would make you accountable.

I used the Forest app, which is a simple app that abides by the

Pomodoro

technique wherein you have to concentrate for a certain amount of time, take a break, and get back to work.

What I like about Forest is that they provide an incentive for your hard work!

Be focused for more than 20 minutes and you'll be rewarded by having a full grown tree. Be distracted (answer messages, get off the app) and your tree will wither and die.

Until this day, I still use Forest whenever there's something that needs my undivided attention.

It also provides you with your statistics and tracks your progress for you.

While there are a ton of other productivity apps out there, I recommend using Forest as it is simple to use and it keeps the distractions at bay so you can focus on your end goal!

#5 Tell people about your goal.

You don't have to tell everyone, just a select few who you know will believe in you and help you throughout your year.

It will be lonely and tiring at times, so that's why you need your own support system.

Plus, it's also another way to keep yourself accountable. Since some people already know about it, it would only make sense to keep pushing on.

#6 Be an Active Participant.

Show up for stuff, and actually do your best. If you're a part of the debate team, then go for the championships.

If you're an athlete, then keep on practicing and joining in activities.

The school system rewards well-rounded students, so make sure you aren't only focusing on just your academics.

Do volunteer work and just get yourself out there.

Meet as many people as you can and form great connections.

Remember that life doesn't end in high school and you never know when you'll need certain people around you.

I know, breaking out of your comfort zone is hard. But since you have something that you want to achieve, don't let yourself just be a passive observer because if you don't put yourself out there, if you don't go after the necessary steps, then someone else will.

#7 Don't be competitive.

Never, ever, ever, ever compare yourself with others.

Don't compare grades.

Don't compare accomplishments.

Don't compare milestones.

The moment you allow yourself to look over others' path, you're actually keeping your eyes off your own lane.

There's no such thing as healthy competition. There will always be a part of you that would over think everything.

So, before that happens, just stop yourself.

It doesn't matter if someone gets a higher score than you on a certain quiz. It's okay. Just study harder and work on improving your previous scores.

Remember, the only person that you want to be better than is your old self.

#8 Set your standards higher.

 Before my final year of high school, I was content with my grades.

It didn't matter much if I had ten or less than ten mistakes. That was good for me.

But since I wanted to graduate as the valedictorian, I know I had to raise the bar higher.

I limited myself to less than three mistakes per exam, grade, or any other graded output.

Having a perfect score or less than three mistakes is the standard.

You have to set your own standards too, and don't settle for a mediocre grade bracket. Settle for the best because if you don't necessarily accomplish that, then at least your score would still be at the top tier.  

#9 Create your own visual board.

This isn't a must, but having an actual, visual reminder of what you want to accomplish would help you out a lot.

It would be a motivation on mornings when you don't feel like studying, or times when you're just so exhausted from everything.

If you're not the visual type, then just write it down or maybe even keep a recording. Either way, have a solid reminder you can look back on every day.

#10 Consult your teachers.

Don't be afraid to ask for advice, for clarification on topics that you can't fully understand.

Remember though, when asking for a subject-related question, you should make them as specific as possible.

You can't just go on saying "I don't know this topic. Can you explain it all to me?"

That only shows laziness and insincerity.

Instead, pinpoint what exactly is it that you do not understand and ask for their input.

People are always more than happy to help those who show enthusiasm and eagerness to learn more.

#11 Focus on your mistakes.

Prior to any major examination, you should go over all of your previous outputs: quizzes, tests, assignments, etc. and find out where you went wrong.

What was your previous assumption? How did you get the right answer for that?

Your mistakes will serve as a guide in prioritizing the topics you need to learn more about.

So when examination period rolls around, you won't have to read everything from start to finish, just the chapters where you commonly made mistakes

Strive to minimize your own margin of error.

#12 Take care of your body.

Eat well. Try to squeeze in some exercise throughout your day.

In order to keep up with your brain's hyperactivity, your body has to be physically fit and healthy.

Back then, my main form of exercise was walking all the way to school when the weather permits.

You could do some yoga, pilates, go for a run, or do whatever it is that you like doing. Just don't force yourself into completing an exercise that you don't like.

Exercising helps with your brain's functions and would actually aid you in your studies!

Also, eat nutritious foods such as vegetables and fruits. I highly recommend eating fish since it's proven to benefit your memory.

#13 Be humble despite your accomplishments.

Don't let anything get into your head. Keep your head down and don't think yourself above others.

Humility is always the key. After all, no one likes being around someone on his high horse.

#14 Pray

Before any examinations, always pray and ask for guidance to whoever it is that you believe in. Ask for a quiet spirit and gentle nerves. Know that you've done all that you could and the rest is up to Him.

So, these are all the top things that I can think of! I hope this post would serve as a guide for you in your journey! :)

[phansprings]

why won’t you say anything about the discourse? we know you’re friends with n*thii... not to be rude or anything I’m just curious on your stance.

hmm okay I have gotten so many anons and this is the only one I’m going to answer so listen up.

I don’t participate in any discourse, unless it’s sarcastic/not real. i am an anxious person and shit like this ruins my week, and I like my blog to generally be discourse free.

mind you what nethii and i talk about in private is no one elses business but she did get quite the earful from me, and I gave her the opportunity to justify her actions. we had an adult conversation that I hope she learned from, where we stand and what the conversation was is no ones business. I don’t see the point in publicly bullying her or publicly conversing about the subject when she’s not here to defend herself and in no way will I be defending her. She fucked up and she knows that. It’s not my place and personally I don’t want to defend her.

I don’t condone her actions or how she went about what happened. as someone who has faced severe homophobia (we are talking being pulled into bathrooms and being beaten everyday for 2 years for my grandfathers being gay(not even me bc closeted), when I came out to a friend being told I was doing it for attention because I’ve only ever “shown interest” in boys, and my mother fully stating she doesn’t understand bisexuality) (for all of these reasons I don’t celebrate and am not proud of my sexuality I am heavily closeted irl) this wasn’t the end of the world, as I have faced much more than being called entitled. Mind you it made me upset the statement and I have expressed my concerns to nethii personally.

I will no longer entertain the discourse and will not be answering any asks on the matter unless it’s someone looking for clarification. I’m sorry if you don’t like my stance on the matter, but if you know me I have had a very negative life that’s only just started to look positive and participating in drama is not going to help me get any better especially now when I need to be better.

so my stance on the matter? it’s a difficult situation where I do not condone the actions of someone who i consider a friend. that being said, I have chosen to stay out of the matter as much as possible and kindly ask it remains out of my ask box and off my blog. thank you.

(also I would like to PUBLICLY STATE how anxious posting this answer is for me. I don’t want to lose followers over my stance on the matter as I never planned on having one. great I’m gonna delete this later too bc i can feel a panic attack coming on!)

[milesbeardworth]

A Short Explanation of pH and the Aquarium Fish, and the Domestic Betta as an Example

I have seen a lot of discourse lately on pH levels and water hardness, and whether they are or are not important factors to consider when keeping fishes. A lot of what I have seen has revolved around yes or no, with little true explanation given as to why that answer is, presumably, the correct one. In sorting out my own thoughts on the matter, I put together this post to share my input on the subject. Nothing in this post was written in direct address to anyone in particular, rather it is my general thoughts on the topic as well as how it might relate to domestic bettas specifically. I am, as always, more than open to conversation if anyone has anything they would like to address or add!

Also, a quick note: I used The Manual of Fish Health by Dr. Chris Andrews, Adrian Exell, and Dr. Neville Carrington as a reference for several definitions and facts while writing this, but there are many other resources out there that address pH, water hardness, and their relevance to fish health and fish keeping. I have read and cross-referenced many of these myself while doing my own research over the years, and I highly urge everyone to consult some of these resources, if they can, before making their own final judgements on the topic.

So let’s begin with an important definition: what exactly pH even is.

The pH value measures the hydrogen ion concentration of a solution, and is used to indicate “whether a mass of water is acid, alkaline, or neutral” (Andrews, Exell, Carrington, 35). pH is measured on a logarithmic scale ranging from 0 to 14, with everything under 7 being classified as acid, 7 itself being neutral, and everything above 7 being classified as alkaline. The logarithmic component is of particular importance, as it means the difference between numbers on the scale is greater than appears at face value. This looks something like the following:

< 0 --- acid ---7 (neutral) ---alkaline --- 14 >

pH 4 is 10x more acidic than pH 5, and 100x more acidic than pH 6

ph 9 is 10x more alkaline than pH 8, and 100x more alkaline than pH 7

There are a multitude of factors that can affect the pH level of a particular body of water: plant metabolism, the breakdown of organic materials, and the addition of products uniquely developed for the purpose of adjusting pH levels, to name a few. Each body of water will also possess a buffering capacity that determines how easily the pH level rises and falls. For the aquarium, pH and water hardness are dependent both on the source water and any modifications or additions the aquarist makes to that particular aquatic environment. 

There are over 30,000 species of fish on the planet, each uniquely adapted and equipped to live in their particular environment. To say that pH is unimportant to a fish species- any fish species- is a fundamental misunderstanding of how exactly it is that fishes work, and how each species has evolved to reach the point it is at today.

The pH level of an aquatic environment has a number of effects on the fishes inhabiting it, and each fish species has evolved over many years to maintain their ideal internal environment at a particular pH level. There are even specific names for fishes that are suited for acid water (acidophiles) and those that are suited for alkaline waters (alkalophiles) (Andrews, Exell, Carrington, 37). Fishes are typically not very tolerant of rapid changes in pH, and any adjustment an aquarist attempts to make to the pH level should be done very gradually over an extended period of time to allow the animals time to adequately adjust to the change. As such it is often said that it is better to leave the pH at a constant level than it is to try and change it to a particular value, but it is important to clarify that proper pH for a given species should still be the end goal, even if the aquarist must wait and only try to adjust the pH once they fully understand what it is they are doing (or else not keep particular species in the first place).

Incorrect pH levels can result in stress, illness, and even death; effects can include symptoms such as abnormal behavior, excess slime coat production, and destruction of fin and gill tissue (Andrews, Exell, Carrington, 38-39). In less extreme, but still incorrect, conditions, long-term stress and the issues that come along with it can also occur. Proper pH levels, in contrast, are extremely important in helping a fish “to maintain a constant internal pH level and an acid/base… balance in the blood” (Andrews, Exell, Carrington, 37). Proper pH levels allow adequate oxygen-carrying in the blood, and also affect other aspects of a fish’s physiology, such as their immune system.

So it isn’t really debatable whether or not pH matters to fishes, not if you look at the vast library of resources available and take into consideration the input of professionals such as ichthyologists and fish veterinarians. And if you take into consideration the logarithmic nature of the pH scale, being even one level away from a species’s ideal pH has the potential to greatly affect them. Where the debate really comes into consideration is when you ask questions such as: “how does pH effect this particular fish species?”, “what exact pH level is best for this fish species?”, and “is it better to leave pH where you know it is consistent, or to try to adjust it to fit the species’s preferred level?”  

Because I have seen it come up multiple times now (and admittedly yes, because I keep them myself), I decided to take a look at a domesticated fish species- the domestic betta fish- as an example.

There has been- to my knowledge- no scientific research conducted on domesticated Betta splendens and the effects of various pH levels on their longevity and welfare. A lack of supporting scientific evidence does not, in my eyes, make an idea immediately invalid or unworthy of discussion. However, I think it is important for people to keep this point in mind, and remember that at this point in time, when it comes to this particular topic, all we have are our experiences, anecdotes, and what information can be extrapolated from scientific research that has been done in other areas. No two aquarists will have the exact same fish keeping background or experience, and expressing respect for these varying viewpoints and experiences is important in having conversation and discourse that is fruitful and beneficial to everyone involved (including the fishes!).

This being said, what is the ideal pH level for a domesticated betta fish? As was noted before, scientifically, we don’t know. We cannot say that one pH level or another is ideal for a domestic betta and back it up with scientific evidence demonstrated by a study designed to provide just that. We can look at the natural habitats of the wild animals this species is derived from, and this might, overall, suggest that softer, more acidic waters are the ideal. Some will point out that domesticated bettas are just that- domesticated, and therefore what is or is not a “natural” environment for them can be debated. However, this issue and its relation to pH can also be addressed.

It is, to my knowledge, unknown scientifically how the process of domestication affects a fish’s physiology in regards to pH levels and their effect on the body. However, looking at what is known generally about the domestication process, it seems unlikely that this is something that would be inherently affected by domestication unless specifically selected for. Domestication is known to change components of an animal’s behavior, such as their behavior towards humans, and this is something that is apparent when comparing a domestic betta to many non-domesticated fish species. Domestication is also known to change an animal’s physical appearance, something that is also readily apparent when looking at a domestic betta fish as compared to their wild relatives and ancestors. Lastly, domestication can affect an animal’s physiology, but does not seem to inherently have a large effect on the base physiological processes an animal’s body performs in order to survive.

Domesticated bettas need to be fed daily on a high-protein diet, because their metabolism and dietary needs have not been greatly altered by domestication. They still need to breathe atmospheric oxygen, lest they drown, and this need has not been changed either. They still require freshwater in order to osmoregulate properly, and can still be burned by the presence of harmful chemicals such as ammonia in the aquarium. The physiological processes involving pH and water hardness fall along the same lines as those listed, and it seems unlikely that they would have been affected by domestication where other similar processes were not.

In conclusion, bettas are almost undoubtedly affected by pH in one way or another, as to be affected by pH is simply a fact of life for a fish. And it is logical, given what we know, to assume domestic bettas might prefer a pH level closer to that of their wild ancestors as opposed to one that greatly differs. The true question is how, if at all, this affects their welfare. For clarification, I mean animal welfare specifically, defined as the animal’s ability to cope with its environment. So how does pH affect a betta’s ability to cope with their environment?

I have been keeping domestic bettas for 5 years now, and of the more than 20 individual bettas I have cared for, almost all of them have passed of natural causes related to age. This was true before I started keeping my bettas in acidic water, and it is still true afterwards. I have not observed any signs of poor welfare that I- with the knowledge and resources available to me at the time- have been able to attribute specifically to keeping domestic bettas in water of a particular pH level.

However, I have noticed positive changes over the past year and a half that I have felt comfortable associating with the change I have made to consistently keeping my bettas in softer, more acidic, tannin-rich water. A couple of these include better fin condition (particular for bettas who routinely injure their fins, such as chronic fin biters), and potentially, increased longevity. My current oldest betta, Maes, has gone far longer without displaying typical physical signs of aging than any other betta I have cared for, and he has been kept in this sort of environment for the entirety of his time with me. However, it will likely be a couple of years yet before I can say with more certainty whether or not this is an individual occurrence, or related to pH levels and water hardness and a common experience across individuals.

There are a lot of potential conclusions I could draw from my own anecdotal experiences. Maybe tannin-rich, acidic water provides benefits to a domestic betta fish, but is not absolutely critical to ensuring they are able to cope with their environment. Maybe it is a critical component of betta care, that greatly decreases occurrences of illness while also increasing longevity, and is something that will become more apparent to me over the lifespans of my current and future bettas .

My overall conclusion, however, is that pH and water hardness do matter, but only so much as any other component of betta care does. That is to say, they are important, but no more or less important than proper diet, or proper temperature. At its core this issue is an animal welfare issue, and animal welfare is rarely ever so simple as “this = good, this = bad”. Relationships are always at play and this particular issue, in my opinion, is no different. pH is another component to consider, another cog in the machine and another part of the whole.

It is my belief and my experience that hard, alkaline water alone is unlikely to be the factor that causes your betta to die early, or come down with illnesses constantly, so long as other care conditions are being met. In other words, keeping a betta in this sort of water does not automatically mean they are merely surviving, not thriving. However, creating that acidic, tannin-rich environment for your betta could potentially result in better welfare- and increased health and longevity- overall. If nothing else, it doesn’t hurt to try (so long as you do it right) and see what happens, and the potential benefits, in my opinion, are more than worth doing so!

[bardonastick]

The Meaning of Life (Or at least a pretty convincing metaphor I came to while in the shower trying to find it)

tl;dr Life is Art, but that might not really mean anything to you unless you go through the steps to understand it.

Read this if you’re like me and need to figure out the meaning of life before you even get out of bed in the morning, let alone deal with bigger problems.

Kind of long at 2493 words, but Part 1 is all metaphysics so you could skip to Part 2 to get the good stuff. Part 1 might help you understand what I mean when I talk about the “literal and fundamental universe” or whatever.

I hope this answers some important questions for me and you both.

Preface

So, I often have a problem where I can’t find purpose for my actions, or I can’t find the desire to do them – not really the desire, I know that deep down I have that, but rather the feeling of that desire, or maybe the motivation.

It’s hardest when getting up, and today was one of those hard days. I don’t even want to say hard, because that’s not how it felt. It wasn’t difficult to get up and do something so much as I just simply didn’t have the nerve or the want.

I’ll get back to that point about nerve later.

After debating it a little bit (since I didn’t have anything to do today), I finally encouraged myself to go take a shower and sort out what I was trying to think about.

Part 1

My analysis started with a question about existence. I just started out by thinking, and I returned to something I had thought about in the past, about how the universe consists of only substance, interaction, and in their combination, change. Well, this time I was thinking about fundamental components more. There’s an idea that the universe is One, which I believe, and that everything is in Duality, which I can also believe but with slight skepticism.

I looked into the duality: really, it’s a human concept. Yes or no, masculine or feminine, light or dark, the list fills itself in (or maybe it does not, another dual-faced proposition). I thought about it from the perspective of what we know about the fundamental nature of the universe. From this perspective, Existence and Non-Existence, each the other’s opposite, make up the universe. The non-thing is as much an effective entity as is the thing, despite, by its nature, not really existing.

But that didn’t really seem right, and I went further down to specifics, to quantum mechanics. At their basics, the most fundamental particles – protons, neutrons, electrons – are made of quarks. And how many quarks does it take to produce a particle? Except in very rare cases, it takes three. No more, and absolutely no less. Taking that a step up, what do we find in atoms? Except for minimal hydrogen atoms, matter is built with units made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. So it seemed that three was the most basic number of “things that pretty much always come together.”

Something was different about this, though. I’ve never fully understood quark theory (up, down, top, bottom, strange quarks? Spin? Color theory? Someone get me a textbook) but I had learned that neutrons have a curious property of weighing as much as one proton and one electron combined, and also that they don’t carry a charge. So, this debate between duality or triplicity can really be both of those things, as the third building block of the atomic structure is sort of a combination of the first two, but equally necessary.

In our original equation, that thought of Substance + Interaction = Change, it seems I got the order wrong. Interaction wasn’t really a “thing,” it was the function in between, it was the plus sign. So what we have here is +Substance * -Substance = Change, or SubstanceA + SubstanceB = Variety, where the symbol (+, *, etc.) in the middle of the expression isn’t so much definable but rather itself definite, all we know is that it is there and it is happening and doing something.

A relevant question before I go on would be, why do I consider Change a distinct thing? Part of me wants to say that it’s because, unlike substance, it doesn’t have an opposite – that change is a state that even itself can be affected by, and that a change from change is “stagnation,” a state that is, of course, changeable. Another word I could use to try to express this concept I’m defining as Change could be “possibility,” and that within possibility is the possibility of unchangingness, so they are inherently the same. And secondly, I believe (though this can be debated and interpreted in different ways by different people) that matter and substance simply “are” and do not have an innate property of change (though they do have an innate property of being “changeable”). Hence why an interaction is required for change to occur. I saw a quote once that went something along the lines of, “When two chemicals meet, if there is any interaction, they are both forever changed,” which is what I’m basing this off of. So while change itself is not something you can hold the same way you could substance, I consider it as literal as substance – which holds the properties of interactability and changeability but, as single instances, cannot interact or change. That’s another good clarification, that the things I’m defining here are done so on a basis of being literal and foundational, as opposed to something like the color red which is true based on perception and is an extension of the greater idea of substance, or something like the emotion fear which is not a “literal” entity, or does not exist outside of our conception of the name we give to a particular set of circumstances that are soaked with change. (That is not to say that emotion is not “real,” it is very real and valid and I will get to this later, but understand that it is not an inherent or immutable part of the universe as I see and describe it.)

Good to note: there are no words that can define this concept in 1:1 fashion, so bear with and fit this into your own mental schema however you need to, even if the words themselves don’t mean the exact same thing to me as they do to you.

Part 2

So, I’ve got all this stuff about the universe, which is cool and all, but it’s not really what I boarded this train of thoughts in order to find.

“So, what did I want to find?” I asked myself.

Firstly, I wanted to find what question I was needing or wanting to ask, I replied.

“And that was?”

… Good question. To which I answered, almost instinctively and almost purposely, almost self-servingly, self-revealingly, imitatively, or maybe by chance: “How do I want?”

Or something like that, the lines are kind of fuzzy. I ought to start thinking out loud and recording it so I can retrace my train of thought.

But it was funny because, even though I didn’t ask “What is the meaning of life?” (I mean, I did, almost habitually, but I laughed because it was such an old and basic question, one I had worked past many times. The meaning to life isn’t something that can easily, effectively, or even worthwhile-ly be summed up in an answer to one question, the real answer was a series of other, more important, relevant, or worthy questions and the answers to those ones) my question revealed some implicit assumptions about the nature of conscious existence and human life and spirituality. How can one want without the implication that to receive one’s wants is “good,” “positive,” or worthwhile? This seems redundant, but it ties back into other “truths” that we as humans and philosophers have relatively worked out – truths such as that life is completely subjective, nothing in it is moral or polarized until we attribute to it morality or polarity – you know, thoughts like that. And it was funny, because what else do I know that has repeatedly been critiqued as, at least potentially, meaningless, though it can have meaning if someone chooses to give it meaning and others choose to perceive that meaning or yet others?

Art.

Art has neither literal nor fundamental purpose in the nature of the universe. The same is absolutely, exactly true of life.

Like life, Art is an outcome of an otherwise true force. So it is not inherent, necessary, or fundamental in any other context (except human life but we’re getting there, hold on), it is not essential or absolutely existing in any way, yet, like every other thing in the universe that is not a lone trio of quarks, or a lone hydrogen atom with an atomic weight of 2.014, or a clear cut dynamic of change like a supernova or cold star death, does it still have meaning? Of course! And that is just as much true because you give it meaning as it is because it is meaningful itself. Debate that if you’d like, but I would imagine it will be a fairly unfulfilling endeavor.

Art, music, movies, literature. Life.

When they say art imitates life or life imitates art, that is not only true, but it could be even truer.

Life is the single ultimate form of art. And if someone is able to debate that and show me an even more ultimate form of art, I will be more ecstatic than I already am at this revelation.

So, this is it. The point of life is, without better words to say it, the act of “doing” life itself. Think about it. What is the point of a painting? What is the point of a song? From the perspective of an empirical scientist, a physicist, someone analyzing meaning only in terms of fundamental universal properties, it is nothing! “But,” you cry, “that isn’t true!! Art has plenty of meaning!! It evokes emotion! It causes change!” To which I reply, tears in my anecdotal eyes, “Yes! Exactly! Thank you!”

Whether or not we serve life is a decision we might not have yet made, but life is and always will be serving us. Life serves us in the same way a painting serves the person who wanted to see it – it doesn’t matter in what way it serves, because the point is that it does.

Life is both the painting you go to see and the painting you create. And if it isn’t serving you, then I have the simplest advice that will hopefully excite you as much as it does me: if you don’t like this painting, do whatever you can to get to a different museum. If you don’t like this song, keep rifling through albums or tracks until you find the one you want. And if you don’t like the painting you have on your own easel – and, taking a look at the x-rays of old renaissance paintings, we know this works – start painting over it. (I am not saying or even implying that this is always easy. But what I am asking is, what other option do you have?)

And now, only now, am I so, so close to answering the question that I woke up with and that I couldn’t solve until the shower I took multiple hours, one unplanned nap, and a few menial tasks later.

Okay. So we’ve discovered that life is the ultimate art. Neat.

And say you’re not just satisfied using yours to see others’ pictures and concerts and movies and books, you want to do more with yours than just let it exist. Amazing.

Well, let’s do a thought exercise. Pick an art skill (painting, composing, cinematography, writing, etc.) that you’re not that great in. Now think of something great, and imagine, realistically, going about creating it with that skill.

Hard. You probably aren’t going to get anywhere near what you wanted or had in mind. Imagine wanting to make something like the Mona Lisa with only a week of solid, dedicated practice and a box of crayons. That would be my example. It wouldn’t be pretty.

If you are skilled in one of those other ones, try the same exercise again with the skills and resources you’ve already worked for and try to make something just as good as your first goal but translated into the other medium. Easier? Or maybe just as hard, but you’re more successful. For me, I could compose a symphony representing something like the Mona Lisa far better than I could create its image.

Life is art and making art be the way you want it to be takes skill.

And of course there’s nothing saying you have to refine yourself! You may want to make something abstract and unpredictable. You might pick up the brush or sit down at the keys and follow whatever ideas you find. And that is just as perfect and just as good.

But if you have a specific goal or want in mind, then, like any other skill, you have to learn how to turn your want into reality. You have to build that skill.

Now it’s time to answer my own question.

I don’t need to find the meaning of life to find the desire to get out of bed at six in the morning. The meaning of life is implicit in my existence and in my desire to get up that early. Getting up early is a specific skill (within the grander skill of living) that I have to learn on its own if I want to do it. It is a specific art style, a flick of the wrist, a trainable technique that I can learn to use effectively. It seems disconnected from my greater purpose while I’m learning it. But once I’ve got it down, its place in the grander scheme will be obvious and intuitive.

Your art (read: life) can and should be for you first.

But.

Some people dedicate their art to a specific cause or desire. Maybe they get a feeling from it. Maybe they don’t.

Maybe they dedicate a portion of a page to it, maybe the whole book.

I think that is respectable and amazing.

Some people let other people choose what their art is. They only use the techniques they are forced to master, only create what someone else wants to see on their canvas.

I think that’s sad. I think it’s highway robbery of a perfectly good life. And I think it’s not my damn business or place to say otherwise. But I think it’s worth saying anyway.

So anyway. Do what you want. Live the life you want to – a phrase which so many people have heard but so few people, including myself until just today, don’t understand in the way I’ve just described. Go make your art, in any medium and with any emotions or purposes you want. Go live. And, if you’re so inclined, learn how to do it better.

But that sort of begs another question, doesn’t it? How do you want? How do you know what you want? What do you do if you don’t even know where to begin?

Well, that answer is the same as the answer to this, the question I asked myself at the beginning and that brought me here in the first place: “How do you find an answer when you don’t even know what the question is?”

Here it is:

You go explore.

 Thank you,

A Friend

[biopsychs]

physics doesn’t have to suck: how to enjoy and do well in your required physics classes

As someone who doesn’t intend to take a physics class ever again, I was relieved when I walked out of my second semester physics final. That said, physics doesn’t have to suck or drag your average down. 

(1) How to enjoy physics: Adjust your attitude. Physics is so cool if you actually think about it. Your attitude will dictate your experience. (2) But physics is so hard: Change the way you study and don’t give up. I did better in university physics than in high school. The content was way more difficult but it was my studying methods that made the difference.

This post is split into 3 parts: Introductory physics (very basic physics, that unit of physics you had to do in a lower level science class), high school physics (physics from an algebra-based perspective), and university physics (calculus-based physics and labs). (Obviously these overlap a lot but I needed to organize this somehow)

INFO IS UNDER THE CUT B/C THIS POST IS RIDICULOUSLY LONG

1. INTRODUCTORY PHYSICS

Skills you should master that will greatly help you now and in the future

Converting between units

What all those symbols actually mean

Interpreting what graphs mean

Scientific notation

Know how to do algebra fairly well (esp. rearranging equations)

Khan Academy is a great resource for introductory and high school physics.

Start every question by stating all of your known and unknown variables. Write down which variables you have and which ones you need. Then, you can easily figure out which formula you need.

Make sure you’re actually understanding the concepts behind everything; plugging numbers into equations will only get you so far.

Rearrange formulas to equal the variable you need before you substitute your known values into the equation.

Use your knowledge of physics from your own experiences. Don’t overthink. Just try to picture what would happen if, say, a ball and a feather were dropped from the same height.

2. HIGH SCHOOL PHYSICS (ALGEBRA-BASED)

(Everything from part 1 applies, esp Khan Academy)

Pay attention to in class demos.

Draw free body diagrams whenever you can -- they can be annoying but quickly being able to visualize all of the forces acting is an important skill

Ask your teacher for help or clarification if you need it! You won’t always have the opportunity for one-on-one help, plus your teacher may mark you a bit easier if they see you’re really trying.

Know trigonometry well! In fact, if any of your algebra skills are weak, be sure to review. Don’t let basic math hold you back -- you can do this!

Your first step for any problem should be to write down any known variables or numbers and then the variables you need to find.

Work with a study group (just make sure everyone else is as committed as you are, otherwise studying with others won’t help). People think in different ways and you’re bound to find a solution eventually -- and less likely to give up if you can’t do it.

Get all the part marks. Write down your variables, a formula that could be applicable -- anything that might earn even half a mark (teachers are a lot more forgiving than you think)

Double check your final answer. Ensure you have the right units and ask yourself if your final answer makes sense.

Don’t give up! A big mistake I made in high school was giving up the first time I couldn’t figure out a question because physics was hard and I would never understand it. No excuses! Ignoring a question won’t help you answer it when it comes up on a test. Figure it out on your own or get help.

3. UNIVERSITY PHYSICS (CALCULUS-BASED + LABS)

(Note: Some university physics classes are algebra-based. My university is dumb and forced me to take difficult, calculus-based classes.) 

(Again, most things from part 1 and part 2 apply here as well.)

A) Lectures, studying, finals, etc.

Pay attention in class and write good notes

My physics lectures were boring but trying to catch up by reading my textbook later was so much worse

Your lecture notes may not make much sense at first but later on you’ll be able to tell which concepts were stressed by your prof

Draw any diagrams your prof shows you (or take a picture with your phone if you’re lazy). Be sure that the diagram is complete and don’t forget about labels. Don’t worry too much about neatness as long as you know what the diagram is supposed to show you.

Keep all your notes in one notebook: Use one colour for writing regular notes, another colour for circling formulas or starring things you don’t understand,  and be sure to write the date down for each lecture and leave space if you fall behind during the lecture (you can always copy someone else’s notes later)

Get a good textbook!

Talk to older students and see if the textbook was helpful for the class. If it’s useful then actually use it! If it’s not, find a good textbook to use! 

Do lots of practice questions

My profs tended to go over more conceptual ideas in class and didn’t do many examples.

Try to do a variety of questions! This will tell you if you actually understand the content or if you’ve just memorized how to do certain questions.

Work with other people on assignments (and join/start a group chat for your class)

I had online assignments due every Friday at midnight. My friend and I would meet up on Wednesday or Thursday to work through most of the assignment together. If there was a question we didn’t get, there would always be someone in our class group chat wondering the same thing and there was always some smart physics student that would be a bro and explain how to approach the problem (on another note: don’t leave assignments till the last minute)

Group chats are also great if you miss class or can’t remember when the cutoff for the midterm is

If you don’t understand something get help before it’s too late. 

Be prepared with specific questions. It’s hard for someone to help you if all you can say is that you don’t know anything. Go to your prof, TA, tutor, etc. 

I found my profs to be super nice about everything. They just want people to be excited about the subject they teach!

If you’re just stuck on one thing there are tons of resources online! Just be specific in what you’re googling and check out resources that other profs have posted online.

Understand the math before you start doing questions

Know the basics of derivatives and integrals

It’s super important to be able to draw a rough graph of the first, second, etc. derivative when all you are given is a graph of the original function (i.e. drawing the graphs for velocity and acceleration when given a graph of displacement)

But don’t ignore the conceptual stuff

This is why a good textbook is important!

Plus you can get part marks for some questions by stating whether one value should be higher/lower than another value, even if you can’t figure out the calculations -- and you can check your answers this way.

For example, it’s pretty important to know what magnetic flux density is before you can calculate it’s value

When studying for tests, don’t just assume you know how to do a question.

Looking over the solution for a problem and actually completing the problem are two very different things. This is the biggest mistake I’ve made when studying physics.

Understanding the solution is only one step in actually being able to answer the question. Looking over solutions is lazy studying if you’re not even trying to do the work. Start the question. Glance at the first part of the solution if you’re stuck. Keep going from there.

For first year physics classes, you really shouldn’t skip over any parts of problem. Yeah, rearranging that formula might look easy but can you actually do it? Practice makes perfect.

If you have a midterm coming up that tests material from a few weeks ago, be sure to do questions from the older units. The content might look familiar but just because you could do a question 2 weeks ago doesn’t mean you can do it now.

Don’t leave your studying till the last minute.

Get a planner and carve out enough time to do practice questions every few days. Trying to catch up on four chapter’s worth of problems is not fun and won’t work very well. Plus, you don’t just have to know how to answer questions. You have to be able to answer questions efficiently.

B) Labs

My labs were very different each semester.

First semester content included kinematics, relativity, forces, momentum, work, etc. The labs were super boring but super easy. For most labs we used motion detectors and a program called logger pro to collect and graph data. Lots of carts.

Second semester content included light, energy, radiation, magnetism, circuits, etc. The labs mostly involved bread boards and wires.

Regardless of content, some general comments on labs are...

Labs won’t always follow lecture content. Apparently that’s too difficult to organize.

That said, get your prelabs done. Properly, if you can. If you don’t fully understand a prelab question, ask your TA once you’ve handed it in. This will save you so much time.

Find a good lab partner. Not sure if there’s a trick to this but just try your best. And be a good lab partner too!

Make note of how strict your TA is with sig figs and error calculations. There’s no sense in losing a few marks when you could stay an extra 15 minutes and do the work properly.

Eat some food and hydrate before your lab -- you never know when your lab will take you 3+ hours to finish.

If you’re not sure if your experiment is working ask your TA. Trying to complete the lab with incorrect data is difficult and your TA will probably make you repeat the experiment anyways.

I hope this post was helpful! I struggled with physics in high school (my worst class) but it ended up being one of my best classes in university (A’s both semesters). The content was way more difficult but my studying habits and test-taking methods were what made the difference!!

Feel free to add additional advice to this post!

My Other Posts:

AP lit tips

high school biology

organization tips

recommended reads

reminders for myself

using your time wisely on public transport

what i learned from high school

[catholicliving]

An Essay on “Practical Catholicism”

So a few weeks ago, two of my coworkers were talking about different religions and how people practice their respective faiths. I didn’t really take part in the conversation, but simply listened in as it was near my desk, and I couldn’t help but hear. One of them made a remark to this effect: “I don’t see why people need to go to a special building to worship God. I can worship him in my house, or out in nature, or anywhere. I don’t need a special building for that.”

And, to a certain degree, she’s right. We can worship God anywhere. In fact, Jesus tells us that we should go to our inner rooms and pray to our Father in secret, and our Father who sees what is secret will repay us.

There is certainly merit to private prayer, do not get me wrong. We should all be comfortable with private meditation whether at home or on the go, and we don’t need a “worship space” – a church, a chapel, a grotto, or whatever – to pray.

All that being said, that doesn’t take away from the fact that we DO need to be comfortable with communal worship as well. As one of my favorite Christian musical artists Ron Kenoly says, “Learn how to worship with the person standing next to you / Because when we get to Heaven, that’s what we’re gonna do.”

We need to have and do both.

But, let’s not overlook why so many people do go to church, and have gone to a central place of worship for hundreds of generations: the practical one – it’s a community center.

Think back to the 1800s, and those rural communities out in Farmland, USA (or any country, really). Your neighbors were sometimes several miles away, and, without cars, that was easily a half-day’s journey just to go to your friend’s house for a chat, grab a thing of sugar and then head back home. It was much easier for everyone to gather at the church, a central location, on Sunday and hear the latest news — that couple just had their first baby; so-and-so is on their deathbed; Mr. Smith fell and broke his leg and is on bedrest for several weeks. But, because these were also people of Faith, that meant that they could take action on anything that they felt needed to be done. Bring the new parents some food; help Mr. Smith’s family with their chores and other tasks; offer so-and-so’s family words of consolation, etc.

Even today, politicians realize that if you want to get the African-American communities involved, you go to their churches. You talk to the pastor, or the youth minister or whomever, because if they can get their congregation involved, your collective goals will be accomplished very quickly. This can be said for other communities, too, don’t get me wrong; but the African-American community is well-known for seeing the church as a gathering place for everyone to come together and plan how to get things done. (See: the Civil Rights movement.)

And as I thought of all these things later, after my coworkers’ conversation was long over, I began to realize how many aspects of our Faith hold not only a spiritual reason, but a practical one as well.

For instance: stained glass windows. Yes, they’re pretty. Yes, they should raise our thoughts to God and His work throughout salvation history. But, really, the reason they were first used in churches was when the majority of church-goers were illiterate, and the church leaders (priests, religious, etc.) needed a way to instruct both children and adults about the stories of the Faith. Thus, stained glass windows as a visual aid for whatever important Biblical figure or story you needed to teach people about.

Candles seem so archaic and ritualistic now, but up until electricity was invented, that was the only way to see. Yes, they also serve a liturgical and spiritual purpose; but, honestly, they were there to help the priest read the Missal and everyone else to see what was going on. If your church had a lot of windows and natural light, great! But, on those days when it was dark, or cloudy, or the church couldn’t afford windows… candles were the only way to see things.

(EDIT: When first writing this essay, I forgot to add the very important example below, on confession. I will also mark where the new content ends and the old content begins, just for clarification.)

I’ve been thinking about this subject for a while, and I remember mulling it over again after I saw this reblog on my “When you have to confess a really embarrassing sin to your favorite priest” post 

This is one thing I envy Catholics for. I know I can lay my sins directly before God in private confession and prayer, but I feel like I would get more closure from confessing my transgressions in person to someone like a priest. It might feel more real, more permanent, than whispering a prayer by myself, and wondering if I was sincere enough. I mean, it is so much scarier to go to a real person and confess my shame out loud! But I would be able to trust them, and they would remind me of God’s forgiveness, and I would feel that my extra effort proved my repentance to be sincere. And I know God’s forgiveness depends fully on Jesus’s sacrifice and not on the sincerity of my plea for it, but the mental shame game is still a toughie.

This is something I’ve always appreciated about confession. Several times I’ve wanted to just confess my sins to God and just hope in His Mercy and not have to bring them to confession, because I just felt so embarrassed about them. Why can’t I just tell God I’m sorry? Why do I have to go to a priest? Can’t I just ~assume~ that He’s forgiven me and move on?

But, I cannot tell you the relief I feel every time I do take those sins to confession and hear the words, “I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Go in peace.” I know, with 100 percent certainty, that I am forgiven.

And, even more practically speaking, in hindsight, it’s so helpful to bring those sins to the priest who can give you counsel and advice on how to avoid giving into those temptations in the future. If you’re Catholic, I’m sure you understand how many little tidbits from confession you end up remembering. Whether you carry them out or not is another matter, but they stick with you. If you’re not Catholic, I sincerely ask you to investigate what I mean – ask Catholics you know about confession and how it helps them; talk to a priest; etc. Granted, the priest doesn’t always give you advice or counsel, but when he does, it’s almost always something you needed to hear, whether you knew it already or not. He can tell you not to beat yourself up over your weaknesses, more practical steps on avoiding certain sins, or ways you can beef up your prayer life. It’s like spiritual direction with a bit of therapy thrown in there.

(EDIT: Old content begins here.)

One of my favorite parts of the liturgy that falls into this category is when the priest washes his hands after receiving the gifts (bread, wine, monetary donations) from the congregation. He says a prayer, “Lord, wash me of my iniquities and cleanse me of my sin,” and has the server pour a bit of water on his hands. The gesture is more for a spiritual purpose now than a practical one… But it didn’t start out that way. In the days of the Early Church, the priest did this to wash off all the gunk he got from touching the livestock, produce and other things that people donated during the Offertory. Now, of course, its practical purpose is gone, but that history is still there.

Many of the things that we do, if traced back enough, can also be seen from a practical perspective, and not just a spiritual one. For instance, the relics of the saints that every church has in its altar is a reminder that many in the Early Church celebrated Mass in the crypts beneath Rome, because that was — practically speaking — the safest place to do it. It was secret, out of the public way, and you could only really find it if you knew about it. Similarly, the ichthus, or the “Jesus fish symbol” as we always called it when we were kids, was a way for Christians to identify each other when their religion was forbidden. One person would trace the symbol with their foot or their stick in the sand or the dirt, to see if the other person would recognize it. If so, they were a fellow Christian. If not, you could just smudge it out or claim you had restless leg syndrome or something and it wasn’t anything.

Practically speaking, we have a Pope, because we need a “lead guy” whenever something goes wrong or we need to make a decision. Yes, he makes those decisions in union with a council of bishops, so it’s not just him acting by himself. But, at the end of the day, the Pope can always be regarded as The Official Spokesman® for the Catholic Church. If some Catholics do something that’s bad, the Pope can be the one to say, “Yeah, no, that’s seriously not what we believe. Don’t listen to them if they tell you that we do.”

Our society is starting to see this a lot right now among the Muslim community. We have some Muslims in the Middle East who are killing Christians and other non-Muslims, and claiming jihad, and doing all sorts of violent things — all in the name of Islam; all claiming that their beliefs are justified in the Qu'ran. Yet, there are Muslims in America who believe Islam is a peaceful religion, that attacking people of other faiths is never justified, and that the other Muslims have taken the Qu'ran out of context. Who are we non-Muslims to believe? Is Islam peaceful or not?

Granted, even if there were The Official Spokesman® for the Islamic Faith, I doubt those conflicts and quarrels would go away. However, it would give us non-Muslims someone to look to and say, “S/he speaks for all the true Muslims and those who disagree are a splinter group.”

Even within the Catholic Church, there are plenty of “Catholic” politicians who are pro-choice, even though the Church has spoken out against abortion several times, and asked people not to approve of it in any way, especially politicians. Yet, there are groups within the Church who don’t listen to or follow these teachings, and do their own thing, yet still claim to be Catholic. Who are we to believe? Is Catholicism pro- or anti-abortion?

I don’t want to get too bogged down in the political dealings. The ultimate point was that we Catholics have someone to look to as a sort of final authority (on earth), a spokesman, and a guy who gets the deciding vote (if there were ever some kind of disagreement within the church about something) before proclaiming doctrine on Faith and Morals.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things that we do in the liturgy that are wholly spiritual in nature. Kneeling, for instance — there’s really no practical reason to kneel. We do it to show reverence for the King of Kings, who is present in the Blessed Sacrament.

I simply mean to say that so much of our faith, our prayers, our rituals, our liturgy, our structure of the Church involves what I would like to call “Practical Catholicism.”

We are hylomorphic beings after all. That means that we are both body and soul. Some Christian denominations say that humans are merely souls temporarily trapped inside meat bags. That our bodies are unimportant. Merely prisons from which we must free ourselves. And while our souls are certainly more important, that doesn’t mean that are our bodies are nothing. Our souls affect our bodies, and our bodies affect our souls.

There’s a reason that my spiritual director always encouraged people to drink coffee before trying to pray in the morning. There’s a reason why you’ll start feeling depressed if you’re inactive for too long. There’s a reason why if there are certain hormones in your system, you’ll probably have to fight harder against lustful thoughts and actions. We are both. Yes, our souls will go to Heaven (or Hell) when our bodies die, but at the End of Days, we are going to get our bodies back — New and Improved® bodies.

So, the next time you wonder why Catholics’ rosaries have five sets of 10 beads (it’s because we used to count on our fingers); or why the choir loft is usually above the congregation and at the back of the church (it’s so our voices and instruments can carry better); or why Hispanic Catholics only ever seem to use guitar / mariachi-type music at church (because guitars and trumpets are hand-held, portable instruments, making them perfect for processions, or minstreling through the town, and are generally cheaper than a piano or organ); or why we use only precious metals to contain the Eucharist (not only is it spiritually respectful, but precious metals typically last longer); or anything else about the Catholic Faith, I merely ask that you try to see not only the spiritually relevant reasons, but the practical ones as well.

Because, ultimately, whether you believe in God, whether you practice a faith, whether your Catholic or another Christian denomination… learning to cooperate and work with others to achieve a common goal is central to not only our society, but society in general.

Thus, if ever anyone asks you or complains about not needing a special building to worship God in… just say, “You know, we don’t just go to church for only spiritual reasons.”

[anxiety-counselling-brisbane]

The only most important element in your relationship

Do you really feel you heard by your partner? Is your partner really there for you?

Sincere listening to understanding and empathy is the key to a lasting, loving and satisfying relationship.

If you only focus on one thing, let him listen; - but I'm talking about real and honest listening - not pretending to listen to many of us. You know what I mean: I took a look at your face saying that I listen; you may hint occasionally, but your mind is a million miles away.

Or maybe you're the type of "listen to respond", where you listen enough to gather evidence to refute you - so you can use your partners' ideas as ammunition against them?

Our relationships are built on the foundation of love and trust. We all want to know that our partner really cares about us, so when we express ourselves, we are important enough to them because they take the time and effort to understand what we want to share.

This feeling that our partner "gets us" deeply affects us in our essence. This sense of understanding creates deposits in our love bank more than most other things our partner can do. Trust flowers when we hear and understand.

During my 25 years as a psychiatrist in relationships, every couple I saw struggling in their relationship had fundamental problems listening to each other.

So, what are the 5 basics of real listening?

Be curious about your partner - enter their world

First, she intends to corner your thoughts and feelings for a moment, and travel to the other person's world curiously for what they think and feel.

It's important to set aside your thoughts and feelings, so you can live as much as possible in your partner's world, for just a few minutes. As they talk, imagine being themselves, imagine how you would feel living in their shoes; what do you worry about, sad, happy?

Reverse them to what I heard and understood

Once you are told what is important to them, tell them a quick summary of what you heard them say. This may seem fascinated and unnecessary if you have never done so, but it makes a big difference whether your partner feels you are “getting it” or at least trying to get it. They'll let you know if you've got it completely, or if there's something you don't fully understand.

Ask if there is more

Here again, have a great impact on your partner for you to ask what else might be in their mind. By doing so, you show that you care about you and that you don't just neglect them. Often when we are asked, we will feel that we have been given permission to provide further clarification, which may help you understand the background of what is happening. Listen to what is on their mind, and reflect what you have heard, keeping your thoughts and feelings on the side.

Tell the Truth

Now that you have heard your partner in full, you have a chance to talk about what happened to you, or about your opinion on the subject or situation.

Now you will have your partner's full attention.

I can't emphasize enough the difference that makes you hear a full voice, too, if you've listened to your partner first.

Many couples stumble into a mutual blackout dance when it comes to listening. "Well, if you won't listen to me, you don't think I'll listen to you !!!!" It ends up not listening, rather than listening.

Talk now, let your partner listen to the same care and attention you used with them, reflect what you heard, and make sure to clarify anything that needs clarification, the same way you did for them.

Discuss the views and come up with a solution

Now that you have heard the views or thoughts and feelings about the situation, discuss from an equal and respectful place what may be some solutions to this problem. Sometimes no solution is required; just listening to and hearing is all that is needed.

If a solution is needed, and you can't find a solution right away, agree to spend a day or so to consider everything, and come back to talking about it soon. Often, new creative possibilities can emerge once you are aware of both your views, and you will have time to think about solutions.

There will always be differences of opinion, thoughts and feelings between spouses, but how you manage is critical to your long-term happiness and satisfaction in your relationship. Take your time and your eagerness to listen fully, and you'll get a rich reward.

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