#if being on your period doesnt make you suicidal we are not the same

[automaticstarlightcomputer]

learned today that some people appreciate and enjoy (?) their periods... yall are holding us back as a species, just sayin.

[everythingsinred]

I spent a whole day reading your Natsume analysis and am so excited to read Mikan's version. I wanted to ask about your thoughts on what Natsume was doing during the four years he was apart from Mikan. In Kageki, we learn that he took a lot of missions to get credit. But what do you think his mental state was like? Do you have any fic recs? I love making myself sad from Natsumikan angst.

hi! im so happy you read the natsume analysis! it makes me happy to hear people enjoyed it! i just recently made a table of contents for my essays and general ga postings so if you need help navigating the mikan essays, check out my pinned post <3

to answer your questions about what natsume was up to while mikan was gone, im pretty sure in kageki narumi mentioned that natsume had some negative behavior and attitude, but the extent of that is left vague. allegedly the missions he went on after she left were not alice-heavy or life-threatening but we know that one of those missions was to be toma's bodyguard and... bodyguarding tends to be dangerous? thats in the job description, pretty much literally. im not entirely sure how he was expected to bodyguard WITHOUT using his alice, but thats what they imply. did he take martial arts? did he carry a gun? who knows really. either way he should not have been permitted to continue doing any missions.

just in general, i think he was pretty depressed without mikan around. i mean natsume was in a HORRIBLE suicidal depression for two years before he met her and falling in love with her happened because she saw value in his life that he hadnt seen before. while she was there, he had developed a sense of purpose in his life and a will to live he hadnt had. it was bc of her that he started bonding with class b. now that shes gone, im sure hes very upset especially because its not certain he'll ever be allowed to see her again, granted he even lives that long.

but as much as i see him being depressed and a little miserable, he still has friends and a strong support system at the academy now. he has his best friend, plus the kids he allowed himself to befriend while mikan was around. theres pictures in the memorial book that depict middle-school aged natsume hanging out with The Boiz, and there's photographs in kageki that imply he wasnt completely isolating himself from his classmates during mikan's absence.

so with that in mind, i think he's depressed and sad about mikan being gone for sure, but he still has a will to live, a support system, and a sense of purpose (seeing mikan again) so that he isnt ENTIRELY devastated during those few years.

we can see when he reunites with her that he kinda expected her to remember him as soon as she saw him, and that gives us insight into how exactly he processed her stolen memories. (smth like, "she doesnt remember anything. so even if i did see her id probably have to make her fall in love w me again and im not even sure how i did it the first time! but she did love me right? i mean if she really loved me, she'd remember me eventually. i cant imagine forgetting her so im sure since she loved me that she'll remember as soon as she sees me!" and then he holds onto that thought so tightly that he ends up shocked that she doesnt remember). those thoughts probably kept him afloat too.

i really have mixed feelings about mikan leaving the academy in the first place though. i just dont think that plot point was executed very well so i never really got very into it.

as for fanfic recs, i cant think of many off the top of my head that have much to do with that time period of natsume on his own, but there is this one, (paths that lead home by MCaroba) which is about natsume going on a road trip with his friends!

as for angsty fics that are NOT related to that specific time period, here are some:

Ten Years to Date by November Romeo (the kids are assigned to write about their futures and natsume refuses. canon!verse one shot) (ps lots of her canon fics are in the same universe and theres a deal of angst involved there too, though her canon!verse fics take place in an alternate future of the kids in high school. i do recommend reading pretty much everything she's written for ga)

Tired by FearandLoathingXIX (hurt/comfort related to natsume's sickness. canon!verse one shot)

My Happy Ending by Little Miss Giggle (au where the kids go to a music school.... it starts off silly and fun but it gets pretty damn angsty. multichapter and one of the better known fics in the fandom)

Steal (my breath away) by Rock-n-Round (au one shot where alices exist but they're a bit weird and hard to explain. this one is EVISCERATING. and very beautiful)

Before You Hit the Ground by Ducky-san (au multi-chapter fic where mikan runs away from an abusive home and meets natsume who is in a gang against his will. i actually LOVE this fic so much... but it does contain some triggering material, like discussions of child abuse and implied sexual abuse.)

Right Before Your Eyes by pressuredtreasure (au... i don't think i can say much about this without spoiling it, but it's basically mikan missing natsume)

Oh Hello World also writes a lot of one shots, some of which are pretty angsty.

i'm really sad.... i was gonna link some other fics but i couldn't find them or remember their names and i'm scared they've been taken down. ah the pain of being in an old, less active fandom...

i also write fics too! ive only written aus so far (incidentally, not on purpose), but the angstiest is probably all things rancid and delicate, which is about mikan in a cult (it has a lot of dark elements to it)

im sorry if youre not much an au person, but i havent read much new ga ffn recently and not many good ones have survived the test of time it seems. it's all very sad. i miss reading fanfic all the time AND having lowered standards for gaffn specifically...

i hope i've answered your questions! if you have any other questions feel free to shoot me another ask! i love talking abt ga <3

[madmaddyenby]

/rp /dsmp

ok so- c!tommy. we are all aware he’s traumatized, and experiences ptsd from being in traumatic experiences, this is basically fact.  while i’d like to talk how c!tommy experiences ptsd, i’d like to bring up a thing i haven’t seen mentioned a lot when it comes to c!tommy and his trauma- c-ptsd.  also known as complex-ptsd.   it occurs when someone experiences something traumatizing for a period of time.

[image description: A screenshot of text with the words “CPTSD stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person might experience intense PTSD symptoms that coincide with other mental issues. CPTSD occurs in people who have been subjected to on going traumatizing experiences”. end description]

which, as we know, the exile arc fits the description of “ongoing traumatizing experiences” pretty fucking well.  the exile was basically just two weeks of trauma.  for a lot of reasons too, there was dream abusing tommy, tommy being isolated, tommys own depression/suicidal thoughts/bad mindset in general.   this would all be considered a ongoing traumatizing experience(s).  

ptsd is very similar to c-ptsd in how it develops, but ptsd occurs after one singular traumatizing event . (by the way, the event doesnt have to be life or death, it could be something like witnessing or hearing about a shocking event!!!)

symptoms of c-ptsd overlap with ptsd a good lot of the time, due to them both being trauma disorders.  however, there are a few differences.  here r some symptoms of c-ptsd, alot of which are ptsd symptoms that alot ofpeople with c-ptsd experience as well

reliving the traumatic experience

avoiding certain situations 

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

hyperarousal (jitteriness, being on alert, etc)

somatic symptoms (physical symptoms with no underlying cause)

lack of emotional regulation 

change in consciousness

negative self-perception

difficulty with relationships

distorted reception of abuser

loss of system of meanings

now, i’ll go over which of these fit our boy c!tommy, and how they fit for some of them atleast.  i will only be talking about the things that are a result from c-ptsd, but also c-ptsd works where it coincides with other mental illnesses a person has so.  its also important to note that within a person these symptoms might not stay the same over time, and not everyone who has c-ptsd or ptsd is going to experience it the same.   (so not talking abt how pain affects him after dying in the prison, though that is a clear sign of ptsd) 

reliving the traumatic experience

tommy’s done this with exile a few times, when revisiting logstedshire, when he saw the craters in logstedshire, when visiting dream in prison, when during the disc finale dream dug the hole and told him to put his armour in, etc etc, he’s even described himself as being trembly in the fingers near plain biomes, while visting logsted he mentioned how shaky it made him to be there, and when he visited logsted one time he had an immediate reaction to seeing a hole in the ground that came off as him reliving it. flashbacks come in from sensations during a traumatic event, like sight, feeling, emotion, etc, etc.  it seems like with these he’s experiencing more of a reliving the emotions kind of thing. 

avoiding certain situations 

i was originally not gonna include this one, but thinking about it, he kind of does in a way.   this symptom also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about it, which is something c!tommy seems to do alot.  with focusing on building the hotel, and doing tasks, or grinding for supplies instead of actually thinking about it.  

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

c!tommy uh. does this a lot.  a lot of it stems from how during exile tommy was isolated and made to believe no one cared for him, and even if that wasn’t true c!tommy never really got much closure on that.  hes not really trusting ppl that b4 were really close to him, tubbo n ranboo for example

lack of emotional regulation

this can also be described as uncontrollable feelings.  this is the one i’ve wanted to talk about the most i think- because this is really fits c!tommy.  he tends to lash out alot, for example burning the flower c!ranboo gave him, there are a bunch more examples of this that include him yelling at others, that one time when he spleefed c!jack 

negative self-perception

yeah.  theres a few examples of this one, the one that first comes to mind is that time during the green festival where he was talking about how he was worse than everyone he didn’t wanna be (including his abuser, c!dream...) .  theres now when he was building his tower by the prison when he was saying he couldn’t use the cobble because it was too him, and people didnt like the cobble. alot of this i think comes from c!dream making him feel basically worthless in exile :(

difficulty with relationships

  Yeah. um.  Alot for this one!!! The first to come to mind is c!tubbo.  c!tommy and c!tubbos relationship is very very wonky, especially considering recent events with tommy feeling like he is being replaced with c!ranboo.  (which he isnt by the way! he just feels as though, which is a valid feeling for him to have :]) .  another person that comes to mind is c!ranboo.  he’s even mentioned how his and ranboos relationship goes back and forth quite alot.  its not very surprising to see that he has difficulty with relationships especially considering a lot of the reason that the exile affected him so badly was because he felt so alone and was so isolated from his friends.  another thing that comes to mind, is when he made c!sam sign that contract promising hat he’d be his best friend and protect him.  theres most likely way more that can be said here, but this is the first stuff that comes to mind.  

distorted reception of abuser

um... yeah.  this one.  this can also be described as , “ becoming preoccupied with the relationship between you and your abuser. It can also include preoccupation with revenge or giving your abuser complete power over your life. “  which is um.  yeah.  c!tommy.  he’s mentioned how whenever he’s around c!dream he feels like hes conditioned to be his friend (which. yea . he was .).  right after he left logstedshire this was very very prominent, he was the biggest c!dream apologist around (/j), saying things like “dream didnt do anything wrong” and even explaining how he wasnt sure about things when it comes to c!dream, that his mind became flip floppy whenever he thought about him.   right now, hes focused on getting back at c!dream, not fully for revenge, mainly for his friends and how he doesnt want c!dream to go around killing and reviving everyone, but the point still stands.  (this all makes me extra sad because he had gone to the prison the second time in the first place to get closure :(( )

loss of system of meanings

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world.  This can also refer to getting a strong sense of hopelessness or despair about the world, which as of late mainly c!tommy seems to have.  mainly referencing in his stream where he visited dreams bunker, he was asking what the point was of finding things that made him happy if dream was just going to get out the prison and destroy it.  theres also a few things that also go with this, in one stream while he burnt down ponks lemon tree for sam nook he said  "thats still decaying, but yknow, arent we all." and that one time when he gave that hotel invitation to c!techno he was like “ahahha we could die tomorrow anyway” 

-

its also important to note that, “Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. “ Which is.. fairly accurate in c!tommy’s situation.  c!dream might’ve not been a caregiver or protector necessarily but he was still someone that was looking after him yknow? 

there are most likely more things than what i layed out that show that c!tommy most likely also has cptsd, however this is just the stuff that i thought up :] add to the post if you’d like to!

(also this isn’t saying that c!tommy doesnt have ptsd, he had both ptsd and c-ptsd. also i am not an expert about ptsd, cptsd, or mental health in general, if i got any information wrong let me know)

[swampgallows]

i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”. 

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.” 

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously. 

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

[succubused]

what do you find so interesting about ddlc

mm well...couple of reasons which can be reduced to 1. game design 2. monika 3. the potential

im really interested in game development and although ive never technically worked in a design role (havent worked in the industry period in over a year....lol), im very into the idea of learning how & i really love the concept of using gameplay as a narrative vehicle. ddlc does that in what i consider to be an extremely effective way using a relatively small number of moving parts and i think its impressive and i think its something i can learn from if i want to start designing stuff one day

ive seen a lot of people say that it looks plastic or that the writing is boring at first and every time i feel like yeah it sure is and thats the point!! it replicates a remarkably bland dating sim in almost every way up until [redacted] except for a few weird monika moments which brings me to my next point which is. monika.

(spoilers after this)

shes one of my favorite characters of all time right up there with isa and jotaro and the like and its because she like.....ISNT a villain at all. shes just a teenage girl who happens to become aware that she doesnt exist in the material world. and the only thing she can do about it is fuck around in the code and its not like she knows whats going to happen...she basically says that sayoris suicide was an accident and after that she started to fixate on the MC bc she like. was doing all these awful things and i think she needed to believe she was doing them for a reason? she reprioritized the MC to be the most important thing possible so of course it makes sense shed be willing to kill/delete her friends in order to get to him...only she doesnt.

even when she thinks they arent real she cant even delete the files. not permanently. so i dont know. i see monikas spiral as the same sort of thing as natsuki/sayori/yuri....all of them were having those facets of their personalities amplified as the result of their scripts being fucked with. and i have a really hard time believing that monika never messed with her own scripts. so monika becoming more and more obsessive/more and more willing to go to extremes to get what she wants probably was her own fault. and i think eventually she realizes that & even when the whole GAME was busted she still didnt delete them.

i kind of think that when you delete her in the just monika end youre deleting the wrecked code that made her act like that and the remnant that protects you afterwards is the “real” monika but thats like. well a lot of this is just me...looking way into an anime girl dating sim horror game....but we are quarantined after all

& speaking of that when she makes it so the game can no longer be played, shes not only protecting the MC, i imagine shes also protecting her friends. sayori wouldve ended up in the same state as monika, and yuri probably would have done even more insane shit. shes trying to make it so that what happened to her can never happen to them & what she did to them can never be done again.

um well the last thing i was going to say is that for such a sparse game that doesnt really involve that much in terms of actual execution it like. theres a lot to work with you know? like i can take the core elements and then build off of them and write hundreds of words about how i think a sprite has psychological trauma. but i think i just kind of proved my point by writing all this in the first place.....the story/implications have a lot of potential and id like to look into that because thats the sort of thing i enjoy doing with fiction

basically, i dont necessarily think it’s a “good” game, but im not sure its meant to be. and it is an excellent framework. so im gonna work with it for a while and see what i can come up with

[rufamapo]

This is the manhwa version. This doesnt belong to me. I just saw it on mangadex comments. These are huge spoilers guys. BE CAREFUL

JULY FOUND BY CHANCE ENDING SPOILER

SQUID FAIRY:

Continuing from Chapter 22, Squid Fairy and the lady will continue to spend time together and eventually fall in love. However, a princess, the character who is squid fairy's love interest, will appear. He will then spend more and more time with the princess, and less with the lady. Of course, this is against his will, but since its a set role in heads, he can't do as he pleases. The lady will in turn start to get jealous and doubt squid's feelings. She will tell him to stop meeting and interacting with the princess, but of course Squid can't do that even if he wants to because of his role. Then squid and lady will start to grow apart. Then one day, in a fighting scene in tails, squid slashes an assassin, but it turns out this assassin is the lady. While holding her in his arms, the lady dies. Then in the next scene, the lady is seen alive, but can't seem to remember squid.

And that is how squid found out that characters who dies in tails loses their self awareness. That is also why he keeps insisting that nothing will change even if they try.

Squid Also tells Danoh during their conversation that after the comic they're in ends, they'll end up in a dark world, where they'll remain until they are pulled out into another comic again.

___________________________________

BAEKYUNG:

Wonder why Baekyung is super rude af to Danoh? Well that's because Danoh is similar to Baekyung's mom, a terminally ill patient.

When he was a kid, his mom died due to illness, and during that time, he felt a great deal of pain and loneliness(his dad ain't that great of a support either). Now, not wanting to experience the same pain again, he closed off his heart towards Danoh, and used rudeness as a self defense so he won't develop any feelings for her.

Welp, but in the end, he ended up liking her even more, even in the tails where he is free from his role.

___________________________________

DOHWA:

Dohwa has the heaviest secret in the entire comic, and it's not even his fault.

During their childhood years, Juda got kidnapped and tortured when her and Dohwa were out playing in the snow. Later, Dohwa found out that she only got kidnapped because the kidnapper thought she was a child of the Lee(dohwa's family) family.

In the past, Dohwa's father operated on Juda's mom, but due to an accident during the surgery, her mother died. Not wanting to accept responsibility, Dohwa's father hid this fact, and made another doctor take blame for the medical malpractice.

Remember in the earlier chapters, Juda's grandmother's death? Welp she was murdered by none other than Dohwa's Dad. Suspicious of her daugther's(Juda's mom) death, grandma investigated around and found out the truth. To silence the grandma, Dohwa's dad killed her on purpose during her surgery, but made it looked like she died in the middle of the surgery due to, uh, natural reason.

Our dear Dohwa, after finding out all these things, couldn't bear the guilt anymore, and commited suicide in tails, resulting in him losing his self awareness.

[P.S. Dohwa's brother(Danoh's doctor) was also an accomplice in Juda's grandma's death.]

__________________________________

HARU:

Following from chapter 22, Haru isn't responding to Danoh when she calls him "Haruyah!" because he lost his self awareness.

How he lost it? This is why:

Danoh is supposed to get a heart surgery, but because she waited for Baekyung, who failed to show up due to a road accident, her surgery got delayed and unsuccessful. To change this, Haru took Baekyung's place and was the one who got in the accident instead, so that Baekyung can arrive on time and the surgery will be a success. This resulted in Haru getting killed, which made him lose his self awareness.

When Danoh learns of this, she will, as she did back then, make Haru remember. She will continuously look for Haru, greet him, and introduce herself every time. During this time, a very touching scene will happen. Remember that infirmary band aid scene in the previous chapters? Welp, its gonna happen again. Like before, Haru will place a band-aid on Danoh's knees and will say the same words he did as before.

_________________________________

NEAR THE ENDING:

After our character's find out all about the 'killing your self awarenes" and "dark world" fiasco, soon they start making their choices one by one. Well we already know Dohwa's choice... *sobs*

As for Danoh, she chooses to keep her awareness and remember everything, her reasoning being that she's the only one that remembers everything about her and Haru(now that Haru lost his awareness), and she wants to keep these memories alive. Later on, Haru will get his self awareness back thanks to Danoh's great efforts, and he will also choose to keep his self awareness together with Danoh.

Baekyung also makes his decision, and chooses to remember and keep his awareness despite knowing that Danoh chose Haru. When he was making his decision, he was having a convo with squid fairy. I don't remember much of their conversation, but I do remember squid saying something like self awareness is a "curse they must bear(aka a price to pay for hurting the ones they love)"

_____________________________________

ENDING:

Remember Danoh's surgery during the road accident? Welp it still failed despite Haru's effort. And so, this time, after seeing yet another storyboard, Danoh knew it was gonna be her last.

Danoh wakes up in an ambulance, but before it takes her to the hospital, she gets out and makes a run to find Haru. However, her feet are moving against her will and are going in a different direction, which is towards Baekyung. As she and Baekyung sits on the bench with the snow falling, her last line appears, however she puts her hand on her mouth and willfully stops herself from saying her last line, saying to Baekyung "All I can do now is wait(for Haru to come)." Alas Haru comes, and they exchange their final thank yous and goodbyes, with Haru showing a happy and cheerful face to a dying Danoh. And then beeep Danoh dies. Not long after Haru is trembling and crying. Turns out he kept his compose and didn't dare to show sadness to Danoh so that her last moments of him that she'll remember is a happy one.

After Danoh died, she stayed in the dark world for awhile, then she woke up into a new comic world.

__________________________________

DANOH:

Danoh is actually the main character of a work the creators made before their debut. Her character is a time traveler that can:

•time travel back and forth between past and present

•can see the future

•has the power to change the future

So that is how she was able to change and delay her death(the creators wanted her to die a long long long time ago, but for some reason, she keeps living). Also, that's why she was able to change minor things in the comic(like the curry incident, her facial expressions, etc.) despite Fairy squid saying she can't.

_____________________________________

EPILOGUE:

At the epilogue, the creators are seen working on two new comics. One, a modern day highschool drama and one a historical drama. The modern drama has Danoh in it while the historical one has Haru in it.

Then the creators are shown chatting, talking about how the two comics are going to be merged into one.

Then after, Danoh is shown to have time traveled to a kind of like Joseon era period, where there......

SHE MEETS HARU!!!!!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Then at the end, it showed both of them leaning to each other side by side, while looking at the sunset.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

[jpegjade]

hi 🌟 I have something to get off my chest and I’ve heard ur a good listener! so here it goes: I feel like everything that made life good and worth living isn’t gonna happen for years. I’m not even going to get to go to college in person 😣 I feel so numb and so existentially terrified at the same time and my body is hating me for it. I’m hating me for it... and on a very different note... I have the biggest crush on someone who I will never be worthy of and who will never like me back, so my already shattered self-image just got pulverized 💔 sorry to bum you out... but I would love some advice on how to escape

hi fren! i try to be a good listener. everyone deserves to be listened to. believe me when i say the only person who can bum me out is me. you trust me to listen when you’re in a rough time and i appreciate that. im not happy youre in pain but i’m happy youre able to express it.

i know the feeling, definitely. life feels like it doesnt really start until a certain age or goal is met but let me tell you: life doesnt ever really “start”. i’ve completed so much in my life and i’m still waiting to really feel alive. it’s a weird thing to think about but life begins in fits and starts. you have lulls and periods of boredom but there are moments that give you an adrenaline rush and that’s when you really feel it. or things that make you happy. those things drive us and i think you have to try to think about the little things. ((my thing keeping me going right now is that i get to take off my boot. it makes me happy in the slightest bc it’s a reminder that every day, every toe scrunchy exercise means i’m a step closer to not needing it. little goals i guess.))

i know this is going to sound so strange but stick with me. it’s okay to hate yourself. im not going to be that person that says “omg luv yerself be positive all the time” bc that’s impossible. i cant look myself in the mirror these days bc i hate myself. but i do it anyway every now and then. i even put on make up every now and then because i like the colors on my face sometimes. ((i like glittery colors)). it’s okay to hate yourself. because whoever tells you they love themselves all the time is lying. we all have things we dont like. but i can tell you now that things you dont like, someone loves. one person loves at least one thing about you that you might hate.

im going to school online too! it’s not for everyone for sure and the experience is defenitely different but i think you can make the best out of some of it. a little bit of it. the smallest bit of it. because there will be a point when you will enjoy something about it, even if it’s that you dont have to get up from bed when it’s too hard to do it. im not claiming to know your situation but i know that it can shift at any moment. something can happen. it’s not permanent and you have so many options to make it a little bit bearable. if you ever want to talk about how much it sucks though, i’m here to help and listen. ((and complain about how shit sucks too))

dont think of this as competition but instead, think of it as...a tid bit: my ex told me a longass list of reasons why i’m a terrible person, how i’m pessimistic and never want to see the bright side, and more and then finished it with “and that’s why everyone hates you” when i was going through a suicidal time in my life and was in love with him. i can tell you right now, i have a secret no one ever told me: you ARE worthy. you dont deserve to tell yourself anything otherwise. you are worthy of love. you are worthy of kindness. you are worthy to be seen as the beautiful person you are. if they dont like you back, you’re allowed to be heartbroken but you’re also allowed to let yourself heal. it took me 3 years to get over my ex and now? my first crush after him is my best friend who i have no feelings for now ((bc he’s the dumbass i talk about)), his roommate is a cutie who doesnt like girls like me and the boy i’m talking to is caught up on his ex. bro it sucks but let me tell you: enjoy this feeling. enjoy the little adrenaline rush when they smile, when they laugh, when you talk to them. because you’ll miss that feeling. i know i miss the feeling of being in love but not my ex and who he became. you are worthy of love from people around you but dont put your self worth in that person because you’re more than what they think. you are a human bean who is completely independent of what they think about you. you have to trust that whether or not they like you, you are worthy of love. maybe it isnt them. maybe it’s someone else. but no matter what, you arent going to fail in life because they might not like you right now. it’s hard but trust me: when you look at yourself and treasure the parts of yourself you love, you will feel more confident about certain parts of you.

escape: hobbies hobbies hobbies!!! write ((that’s how i got here lmao)), dance, sing, knit (i have a longass scarf that needs casting off)), etc. hobbies give you that kick that you need to distract yourself, express yourself, be yourself. no one gets to judge you for learning something new or doing something you love. anyone who makes you feel lesser for enjoying something that brings you peace inside can fuck off. you are worthy of love and deserving of self-love even in the form of what distracts you for 5 minutes at a time.

so all in all, you didnt ask for any of that. and you dont have to listen to me at all, honestly. but it’s important that you know these things because you arent alone. im with you every step of the way. i know it feels like it but my anons and messages are always open.

[gil-notskajla]

I know it's 2020 but I rewatched [prototype] gameplay because i remmembered that it was cool and angsty af but did not really remmember what happened in it except Alex turning evil in sequel for some reason and it seemed weird.

Soo im watching this shit for 3 hours because im professional time waster and i still don't get it. Viruses, i mean the viruses viruses, rewrite genetic code of attacked cells, they can't create hiveminds or any minds in fact, viruses aren't built to do such complicated tasks - virus is just some RNA (not even DNA) closed in protein and sent off to the world to cause maychem in animal, fungal, protista and floral kingdoms. In this situation - animal kingdom. Dr.Alex Mercer 1.0 steals the virus and smashes the container, gets infected and murdered by guys sent to catch him. Some fans speculate that that's the point where Alex Mercer has died including some in game characters and Zeus (Alex Mercer 2.0), unaware of not being Alex, took his place. But that's bullshit my dudes. Alex Mercer is still Alex Mercer but mutated and amnesiac (probably because he was braindead and memories are stored by continiuos bio-electrical reactions, neuro transmitters and ionic concentration on neuron membrane). Why Alex is Alex and not Zeus? Because conciousness is stored in organ, not genetic material (not to mention our cells mutate all the time, thats why we have moles and cancers). If conciousness was stored in genetic material, than twins would share conciousness, clones would share conciousness and those whoose genome would change would lose conciousness, not to mention that our cells get replaced several times durring our lives - the body you are in is not the body you were born in, yet, you are still you (of course neurons live really really long). We could argue that other infected were agressive and cannibalistic but that's not conciouss behaviour, these are instincts, there was no goal in their doing. Other infected were like: holy shit, prey animal, food! Of course some were controled by Greene but she was, like Mercer, an anomaly and her will was hers, not virus'. She just hated everyone and was evil as fuck. But back to Mercer, we could also argue that he died back there when his brain got destroyed by lack of oxygen - but than every new conciousness gets deleted every single time he gets shot in the head durring the game. My hipothesis is that there is one conciousness per one brain and is a series of biochemical processes on neurons in one specific body, uncopiable and irreplacable. By that hipothesis (which is very bold but way more specific than anything the game offers us, or better put, doesnt offer) Alex Mercer got infected, torn appart by bullets, his brain got damaged but did not die entirely because if it did he would have a way worse amnesia than just not knowing anything and he didnt get shot in the head

, virus already has infected him and probably kept his brain alive-enaugh soo that he would at least know english when he wakes up, virus managed to work on what alive cells were left (yes, when you die, your cells in several places in the body still live off of the reserves and substances in cytoplasm for a while) the virus, unlike most viruses, had ability to... (basing on my knowledge im trying to imagine how this would work) manages to reanicate dead cells and with, at this point, sheer willpower fix the damage caused by bullets and give Alex's heart a kick from the God themself to start working and that's when he wakes up durring the autopsy.

Giving that analysis, Alex Mercer is still Alex Mercer because he is technicaly same organism but modified, amnesiac because of brain damage caused by lack of oxygen between moment of getting mass-shot and fixed by the virus and i have no idea who gave him the doctor title if he really believed that guy that some Zeus replaced him. Like, Alex sweetie, viruses are fucking dead matter, ok? You are a mutant but not a new being. But he has amnesia soo I guess we can forgive.

Edit: Dunno where to put memory stealing aspect, here is good enaugh spot. I have no goddamned idea how this would work: maybe he doesnt damage the brain of the victim, somehow connects the brain to his own, transfers knowledge and than disposes it (however the hell this would work)? There was this one dude who killed himself soo Alex wouldn't consume him and get his knowledge, destroyed his harddrive basicaly soo he can't read it, and that's really cool of game creators to think about it. Respect. This also kinda prooves that Alex didn't actually die the first time he died, when he was still 'human'.

And the very end? He got caught in explosion but he must have created some form of safe box for his brain alone and got rebuilt from this and some other leftovers of him and a crow because it was already stated by doctors suicide that destroyed brain or something resembling a brain whatever he has at this point bust be preserved to keep memories. And he knows what happened at the end of the game. Period.

But than second part happens and holy shit i'm soo angry, you have no idea. I mean, ok, the story itself was fine but Mercer aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaicant why why why who allowed this plot disaster to happen!?!? In part one Alex did his absolute best to prevent the virus, to stop infection, to stop gentek and to bring peace. A beautiful, beautiful ending, a satisfying ending. Finnish the task and boom! He can live in peace, potential immortality before him, a world to see, a knowledge to gain, a life to live and no danger in sight or at least no real danger for him in particular. Perfect situation to start over. But what do they decide to do? Well we need to make sequel because first game sold. Soo we will ruin this whole character we have build instead of, i dont know, giving him new objective, expanding his character, and we will turn him into another evil guy dissapointed in life who lost faith in humanity and destroys his work from the previous game because we need something absolutelly devastating to happen soo new protagonist will have something to fight for AND also we will make those already a bit fucked up and evil bio engeneering corporations come back even more evil soo that making Mercer not only evil but genarally badly written character will have NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER and just, I'M JUST----!!!!!!!

[somnilogical]

transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

--

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

--

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

[ihavenoconsistentname]

Warning: This post is a major vent and contains mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts

I'm sorry, I just have to get this off my chest

I feel gross venting so often but geez I'm just so tired with everything. I'm tired of people pissing off teachers and making them yell so often then acting like them talking so much and being disruptive wasn't an issue. I'm tired of having to be around people who don't listen and wouldn't even if you tried with them because they just don't seem to see anything the same way and having to suffer because of that. I'm tired of feeling like I'd be inconveniencing everyone else by trying to make my own life less of an inconvenience by trying to get them to adjust their behavior in small ways that should be easier than they make it seem to be. I'm tired of being caught in a stupid and endless cycle of moods and emotions where I can get pissed off or repeatedly triggered by the smallest shit then later I'll get over it and feel happy then it turns right back around and my mood is fucked up again because it's the same stupid things in my almost-everyday life because it's always these people at school always on their same bullshit.

And I'm tired of people acting like they did nothing wrong and that people are pissed at them for no reason. They'll act like they have it so damn hard because a teacher always yells at them for being disruptive and making too much noise. Literally try having loud noises as a trigger and having to sit in 7 classes full of loud noises almost every day.

Another thing that pisses me off!! People will STILL make suicidal jokes. Literally someone in 6th period joked that he was being mentally abused and needed counseling and was gonna commit, and I fucking quote, "43 suicides" and this was in response to someone jokingly telling him to shut up, and it was fully a God damn suicide joke yet people laughed at it. It's not fucking funny. This kid makes a lot of stupid jokes but this one just absolutely crosses the utter fucking line. And all I said was it wasnt funny because if I tried to explain why it wasnt funny I'd seem like a fucking downer because I'm telling someone not to make a joke that I find very unfunny because I'm someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts and has mental health problems and needs counseling because of it.

Literally everyday at some point I find myself thinking about the fact that I both want to kill myself but also stay alive because I have friends who I would be upsetting and that's no better.

And that's the thing, some people just seem so happy to have me as a friend and they enjoy my existence, but I dont always see that right away. I look at my real life and see a bunch of people who do nothing but piss me off half the time and wouldnt mind if I was gone because I'm a damn ghost anyway. No one likes to listen to Alex when he gets all serious, no one really fucking cares about Alex that much, he's just some stupid emo kid sitting around listening to music and ignoring everyone else, that's how things are for me in real life. Then I come online and theres these few people who really do care about me at least a little bit. Even if we arent close friends, they exist, and they keep me alive somehow. I dont want to die because I know if I did it would upset them and it would seem like any support they gave me was ignored if I did that. But I also consider my own shit and realize I'm just stuck in an endless cycle of being in a good mood that almost immediately gets fucked up and I fall into depressive episodes again and I'm sick of it. I don't want to fucking live like this and there's nothing I can do not to. The only thing I could do not to live like this is to not live at all. It's hard to believe people who say itll get better or tell me theres a chance it could all improve when I've tried to make it better and nothing ever worked. I know it takes patience but you gotta understand when this shit happens EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. It's really hard to keep that hope and hang onto it. Your vision is just so clouded that you cant see the light through it, and you just start to believe there isnt any.

It's hard as fuck to deal with and I just wish I didnt have to deal with it at all. I want to stay alive, I want to believe itll get better, I want to keep living for those few friends I have. But its hard. It's really hard. I know some people have it way worse, but it's just so hard for me to live like this. I know some people are so much less fortunate, theres people with almost nothing at all in their lives, theres people with real trauma, theres people with abusive parents. That's so much worse compared to what I have. All I have that's bad is the simplest triggers ever that get me everyday and ruin my mood repeatedly. It just doesnt seem that bad when I compare my shit to other people's. I know that's an unhealthy coping mechanism, just downplaying your own problems and acting like they dont exist, and that came back to bite me. The only way I ever find effective in trying to feel better is to push it all down and shove it away in a box and act like its nothing. But inside that box it starts building up and eventually escapes, the box explodes, and I lose it. It's at the point where that was all I knew how to do and now that it doesnt work anymore I just lost hope. Nothing I know of works. Nothing. I gave up. I dont know what to do anymore. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I dont want to be selfish and upset a bunch of people just because I had small struggles I decided I couldn't deal with. It's not good, and I know it's not good. I'm starting to just really acknowledge and realize I'm not okay and dont know how to be. I just dont have any fucking clue how to stop all of this and its killing me. It really is.

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[abtoddler]

A little melancholia for the day

It’s interesting how far we come and sometimes

Its no where near far enough. When i was younger, I couldn’t tolerate my mother. When shes oh hey, im goin to be a bitch for days, then expect me to talk to her. Its already bad enough shes super dismissive or hateful, and then super concerned so she can ear another tick in her caretaker personality.

Which explains why i need a daddy so much. I al thankful to mine, and my big bro champ, the two of them create a world where i dont have to worry about what occurs outside the front door. - a bit of backstory, and the strings of complaints, spoonie comments, support groups and things like that: i have a chronic pain condition with compression and the slow approach to parapalegia while on the medication, the norco and muscle relaxers to help the sensation of walking on nails, and endless buzz, this is a gift from 14 years ago, that keeps taking the feeling and control of my legs & feet. I also have an inflamatory bowel disease, so its like shitting hot lava. This has been occuring more regular then a ladies period, and has been occuring since longer then I can remember.

Growing up, i would throw up while shitting at the same time for hours ans hours. Get up in the middle of the night and just let it go. Ive turned memory of this shit to another thought. Right now its about how much time i have left, 20 years? That wouls make me 54, if i go out then, or even in the next 35 years wouls make me younger then my adoptive parents.

Now heres a funny thing, since my dad doesnt really keep up with me, mostly my fault because i hate talkin on the phone, and cant exactly travel at the moment. The point is, “oh you still have to go through that, i hadnt heard so i assumed it went away”, its not that” oh i assumed you just stopped having a horrible mutiple times a month for my entire life stomach pain, just stops, because nothing is said about it. Or the trying to convey that i just do not have the means to emotionally handle it, and so cant make effort to do stuff that hurts my heart. The same is whether or not my mother means it. But shes always been cunty when shes not put first, or in control. It’s interesting she abused drugs and alcohol when i moved into my own house the first time. Then the abuse from her starts, getting mad, being dismissive, just down right fucking horrible for no good goddamn reason.

This then causes me to have an emotional shut down, this abuseive crap, this shit makes me not want to be around her. She cant “do” being alone, and it makes her really mean. The more mean she gets, the more i have no desire to fuck with that. The endless complaints, rudeness, snide comments, endless streams of just foulness. Thank you to everyone whose not like this, is what i want to say. Thank you to daddy and champ. Those who “choose” us, and so help up the folk like me who have all sorts of shit to deal with. Its nice having an insulation.

I do not want contact with people who are sneaky and will put someone else under a bus, i do not want folks who do not give more then lip service to”bdsm full exchange” and “demands” that put them ahead of what they want to do with my daddy. Theres so much in this life that i wont be able to do. I have less then most folk i wager. Going by the wayside, posting to the empty vaccum where the internet remembers.

I can do this. I can do one day at a time forever, one moment, that is an endless cycle of sleep. And meds, and pains. The reason i can do this. Family. Good people raised me, but im home for the first time with these last 6 months, 50 or 60 years ahead of me is not enough time for my daddy, for my big bro. There is a ton of the world to see.

These are the thoughts, and feelings ive had since loosing my hope on handling something just a bit better. Its been super dark, with looking at end of life affairs, looking into kinds of burials, and assisted suicide. Everything that would mean i miss everything i want with my family. I do not mind a death I choose. I do not mind my final wishes. What i mind; the knowledge of folks with my kinds of stomach shit dont really see much longer to the older age brackets. It scares the piss out of me, that it could just be done, i wont be able to wake up and work on my grimoires, i wont be able to tell my daddy I love him. Anytime i feel it, i have to say it. That way in all the tiny moments of time, and if folks can remember me. He will know i would always love him, thank him, appreciate him. He is the scope of my world. Anything less then forever is an unacceptable amount of time. The thought of leaving him early scares me. Its my greatest worry, that i will never know enough, or see enough of his life to only see it really start.

Its hard, it sucks. So thats why my grimoire projects will not, end. My desire to be little, and safe and cared for, must be followed right back into daddies arms, and the worlds hes helped build. I ve been trying to process this, its taken a few months, in suspected truth, probably it will be always there. But, i try and focus on projects, on the little things that can be done in a day. I cant care about my mother demanding i go and see her. Or her being a bitch when i do, and leaving her with a “see you whenever” i said “what ever” and just walked out of her apartment the other night.

So, while she feels i should be doing what ever she asks depite my lack or to too much sleep according to her. Not the exhaustion i get subjected to after the fire of hell erupts from my asshole, and causes me to throw up anything left in my stomach. Yea, between that 1-4 hour production of “this is your life” in food I attempted to eat earlier. Shes got stupid questions that have no bearing on day to day shit, and now that shes done fucking making threats at me, she can shut up, while I sort out how to handle her ass, while being with wonderful people, for what will be the rest of my life. However long i can make it. Daddy, makes it worth it, i want to see him and champ be their best selves. I can instead only do everything that i am able to set their roads up, even if i wont get the chance to see how it ends.

I cry, at night, most nights pooh bear has earned his keep as the cuddle surrogate to daddy. My barking dragon doesnt bark, it would randomly do it; making it hard to sleep with. I know that this internet void, is a public place where people will know, coo!. But I need to post this, i need to put it into the world while I think about how i am going to master the coming years, and not let shit get between daddy and champ and all our dreams.

So, while i get word vomity, and sad. The horizon has this light of the future, the single moment of now, stretching on to the morning. The linear path of all actions, thoughts, life and the experiences, its easy when in thinking of daddy, that i can just aim to make the most of the moments with him. That they know he is the best man i have ever known, the range of his character. His way of dominance, his love and zest for life. The way he steps one foot a time to get the big picture. I will walk with him til my story ends. But, daddy i love you, and thank you. I loves that we have forever and ever. Its not long enough.

But anyway this isnt something i can stop thinking, so my hope is putting just this stuff here, will get it out, and lets me sleep tonight. I am trying to post more, to have a place to unload my thoughts. Thank you for anyone who reads this, its just hard to identify the situation at hand, so many moving pieces. I will try not to post to much of this philosophic ramble, and depression.

I will figure on how to deal with it but tonight, it did it’s job and has cleared my head, and given me a look at what i feel is going on. Night tumblr. Thank you for this medium.

[this-is-for-the-record-blog]

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam - Album Review

Pearl Jam is the Seattle alternative rock band’s eighth studio album released in 2006 and the first and last with Sony owned J Records. The band came into the studio with no pre written songs, but rather just ideas that were hashed out into songs once the band jammed in the studio together, similar to Vitalogy, completing ten songs in just one week. Something the band hadnt attempted or accomplished since Vs. or even Ten. The record was described by the band as very Democratic with its collaborative contribution and its fair communication with all members of the band contributing lyrics and music, the way the band has been since Yield. The record contains a formula similar to the bands older material, some may consider it a return to form and is the reason the band went with the self titled rout and while a lot of the songs have an angsty, up tempo, hard rock energy, I feel the bands sound is more inspired by classic rock influences especially looking to The Who, Thin Lizzy, Buzzcocks, Ramones, Tom Petty, AC/DC, Heart and Led Zeppelin as major influences on the record. The aggressive drive and themes were inspired by the frustration with President George W Bush and his second term in office, the current state of America, as well as The War on Terror, the mourning of friend and punk rock guitarist Johnny Ramone’s passing also served an influence on the darker songs. It sounds to me as though the band was consciously writing classic rock sounding record or it was at least the sonic direction. The longest break between releases came between the bands last record Riot Act and their self titled record here. This was attributed to singer Eddie Vedder getting married and having his first child while the band also supported the Vote for a Change tour during that break. Avocado is the closest the band has ever been to producing a conceptual record giving the listener a glimpse into the life of a working class American with financial struggles, despite having hope and faith. The mainstream medias sugar coating of pharmaceutical drugs as a solution to your problems or alcohol which is marketed as an answer to a fun time, with both of these ending in addiction. That American who cant find a job to pay the bills and provide for their family they turn to dealing. The grief stricken family of a fallen soldier, or that Army reservist manipulated and taken for granted by the government, and is stationed far from his loved ones. The record has themes dealing with feelings of political anger, addiction, religious resentment, poverty, death, anxiety, escape but ends with renewal and personal growth. You can almost see a drama unfolding throughout the album.

Alvocado was produced by Adam Kasper, producer on the bands last record Riot Act. Unlike Riot Act though instead of focusing on love as an answer the band vents all its frustrations here. Musically the record is much less of the recent experimental and calming Pearl Jam we have come to know, but much more straight forward musically and lyrically, a hard hitting formula seen on their debut and sophomore records. Singer Eddie Vedder said this about the records musical energy “It’s easily the best stuff we’ve done but also some of the hardest stuff. It’s very aggressive, because again, it’s kind of a product of what it’s like to be an American these days. It’s pretty aggressive, especially when you turn it loud.” The first half of the record contains all up tempo tunes, 5 hard rocking songs back to back, the most high energy songs in a row than any other Pearl Jam record before it, while the second half offers ballads and more mid tempo tracks. Producer Adam Kasper was able to bring the same live raw sound that was present on Riot Act again on this record here, but fills in the gaps a bit more than before. A couple of those raw, hard rocking, muscular tracks are “Life Wasted” which features an Angus Young guitar riff that bares the same energy heard on AC/DC tracks like “If You Want Blood”, “T.N.T.” and “Walk All Over You” with its off the cuff guitar solos and improvised jamming at the end. The song is played a half-step down and uses a capo on the 3rd fret (first 5 strings only, with the 6th open.) This oddly written song structure has become more frequently seen among the bands back catalog especially since Yield and really reminds me of song writing seen in bands like Led Zeppelin. Then theres the anthemic, politically ranting “World Wide Suicide” which opens with Eddie Vedder grinding an ebow into the strings and pickups on his guitar, a technique I dont think ive seen or heard before with an ebow and has a riff similar to Buzzcocks’ “No Reply”. The track has an older grungy Pearl Jam sound similar to “Satan’s Bed” while a bit of “Spin the Black Circle”, another song from the bands third record, Vitalogy, is heard on the punk rock influenced “Comatose”. The song kicks in heavy like AC/DC’s “Hell Aint A Bad Place To Be” while the hard rock energy of “Severed Hand” reminds me a bit of the beginning of The Who’s “Wont Get Fooled Again” with its guitar part at the beginning mimicking a synth, while the main riff is very similar to The Who’s “Go To The Mirror” just sped up and “Matt Cameron’s Kieth Moon sounding, chaotic drum rolls. “Marker In The Sand” the last of the first 5 up tempo songs and reminds me of “American Woman” by The Guess Who. It experiments with tempo a bit shifting time signature going into the chorus, claiming the best melody on the entire record and might be my favorite track.

The record doesnt take a breath ‘till the simple love song “Parachutes”, an acoustic, psychedelic ballad that reminds me of The Beatles “Hey Jude” with the cadence of the guitar being played like a piano, but the break doesnt last long as things pick right back up again with “Unemployable” a song that reminds me of The Who’s “Another Tricky Day” and “Big Wave” the only care free track on the record reminds me of Soundgarden’s “Never Named”. The album periodically breaks the high energy again with “Gone”, slowing down at the end starting with “Come Back”, a charming, soulful ballad that leans heavy on organ, bass, hi-hat, snare and kick drum. The song musically and conceptually follows “Last Kiss” harkens back to Motown 50s era ballads paying homage to Otis Redding’s “Come To Me” and Eric Clapton’s “Bell Bottom Blues”. Some of the songs like the album closer “Inside Job”, a slowly building, climactic track that starts off like The Who’s “The Song Is Over” meets R.E.M.’s “Boy In The Well”, but builds into a progression and a lead guitar part similar to Tom Petty’s Organ soaked “The Waiting”. Songs like this one explore more varied tempos and have an artistic and darker cathartic rock sound to them. The song features Mike McCready on a double neck SG guitar, playing the electrical 12 string in the beginning. Eddie Vedder said this about the up tempo music and how it relates to the darker lyrical themes, “the hope was going to be in the guitar solos. It was the guitars and drums going at it that was going to lift you out of the dark abyss that I had painted.” Needless to say guitarists Mike McCready and Stone Gossard channel guitarists Angus Young, Jimmy Page, Dan Thunder Bolton, Eric Clapton, Johnny Ramone, Kieth Richards, Scott Gorham, Peter Frampton,  Mike Campbell, Steve Diggle and Billy Zoom and Eddie Vedder seems to be channeling Pete Shelley, Michael Stipe, Bob Dylan, Phil Ochs, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, and Pete Townshend on the record. The drums, guitar leads and vocals really shimmer and take a lot of the spotlight on this record and Matt Cameron puts in a lot of vocal work as a back up singer as well, while organist Boom Gasper takes lead spotlight on “Wasted Reprise,” a sort of intermission that brings back the chorus heard in “Life Wasted” and leads nicely into the next track “Army Reserve”.

In the song writing department, the band took their time in a process that was very tedious with the songs having many different sets of lyrics. Eddie Vedder described it as a process that demands “the patience of like a National Geographic photographer sitting underneath the bush in a tent”, adding that he would at times “figure out after eight, nine or eleven drafts that the first one was actually the one”. Where Riot Act was Pearl Jam’s most politically driven record this record takes that to the next level in a more upfront way and is the bands most socio-political to this day and takes the approach of writing from the perspective of someone else something present on Pearl Jam’s earlier records. The songs “World Wide Suicide”, and “Army Reserve” a mid-tempo rocker co-written by Damien Echols (one of the West Memphis Three), are about the Iraq War and express opposition against the war and president Bush’s agenda in Iraq, questioning his motives. It also provides a bit of hard truth behind war from the perspective of the family of a fallen soldier as well as the average American who reads the news paper, making the song relatable to many. “It’s understandable why someone would like their entertainment to provide an escape from modern day worries and the reality of war. We feel this record creates a healthy opportunity to process some of these emotions rather than deny them. It’s like we took our aggression’s and shaped something positive from them in a very direct manner” Vedder also stated the record “deals with real content and the moral issues of our time”. Other politically driven songs like “Marker In The Sand” deal with the hypocrisy behind religion and how it seems to be at the center of Bush’s agenda and how its always at the center of every war, while “Unemployable” a Springsteen type song that reflects on issues of poverty during the economic decline of the Great Recession and “Comatose” points out the threat on civil liberties backed by religion specifically in regards to same sex marriage. Guitarist McCready said, “We all feel that we’re living in tumultuous, frightening times, and that ranges from the Iraq war to Hurricane Katrina to wiretapping to anything that smacks of totalitarianism. And just bad political decisions being made. We feel that as Americans, and we’re frustrated. So a lot of those feelings have come out in these songs.”

The song “Come Back“ is easily the most heart wrenching ballad the band has produced since “Black” and has similar themes of heart break after someone you loved has past away or moved on, much like “Last Kiss”. The track has been said to have been inspired by the death of famed punk rock guitarist and Vedders close friend Johnny Ramone. Another song like “Severed Hand” is about dealing, addiction and substance abuse with “Life Wasted” being viewed as having been on the verge of overdosing or witnessing a friend overdose or just a simple brush with death. Eddie Vedder has stated the song was written after attending Johnny Ramones funeral and reflecting on mortality and the outcome of substance abuse. Eddie stated, “When you leave that funeral, that drive is as important as any single stretch of road you’ll travel on. You’ve got a renewed appreciation for life. And I think that feeling can last through the day, through the week, but then things start getting back to normal and you start taking this living and breathing and eating thing for granted. I think that song is there to remind you, ‘This is that feeling’.” The existential track “Big Wave” is a fun song of oceanic celebration, where Vedder expresses being of crustacean origin, evolving and adapting into a human but still having connections with his aquatic roots through his love for surfing, constantly seeking that next big wave. Songs of self reflection, soul searching and renewal are expressed on songs like “Inside Job” a song written entirely by Mike McCready, his lyrical debut about recovery, sobriety and loving yourself so you can share that love with others. Vedder said one way to deal with negative energy and frustration is “to kind of look within. If nothing else, effect some change in yourself. If you’re in a position of feeling pretty together at that point, then you feel like you can make a contribution to society, as opposed to being a fucking wreck and just adding to the pile of destructive forces you can find yourself surrounded by. And that’s exactly, verbatim, what’s in the song, really. Like ‘shining a human light.” and the song “Gone” is a song of liberaion that goes back to the idea expressed on the bands song “Rearviewmirror” where the character in the song is getting in a vehicle and heading out of town, leaving his/her anxiety and materials behind in search of peace, autonomy and freedom. Vedder has said “Gone” is about someone “needing to find a new life without his past, without his possessions, and not really looking for more possessions.” Early shades of what was to come on Eddie Vedders “Into The Wild” record. The line “nothing is everything” was taken from the song “Let’s See Action” from the 1972 Pete Townshend solo album, Who Came First. Vedder thanks Townshend in the liner notes for the album.

The cover art of the record depicts an avocado cut in half with the seed still in place. McCready said, “That symbolizes just kind of … Ed’s at the end of the process and said, for all I care right now, we’ve done such a good job on this record, and we’re kind of tired from it. Let’s throw an avocado on the cover. I think that’s what happened, and our art director goes, hey, that’s not a bad idea.” Because the album is self-titled, many fans refer to it as “Avocado” or “The Avocado Album.” I feel the record’s minimalistic cover art is an artistic symbol and straightforward display of this unique fruit that is organic and natural, which is exactly what the music on the record and what the band has always been, so the records self title and artwork makes sense and is fitting. Vedder explained, “In the end, we thought there was enough there with the title of the songs, so to put another title on the album would have seemed pretentious. So, really, it’s actually Nothing by Pearl Jam.” The liner notes contain artistic images of wax sculptures, in an almost “Body Worlds” style recreation of each band member with their flesh either decaying or lit on fire and other times have insects crawling out of them. The art was brought to video in the music video for “Life Wasted”, the band’s firorst conceptual video since 1998′s “Do The Evolution”. The music video represents the fragility of life, a theme that is expressed in the song as well. 

Pearl Jam’s self titled record is a great record, its my first record purchased through the Ten Club as an official member, this was the record I was listening to in high school while everyone was listening to modern emo and pop punk music. No one understood it or heard of it and thats what I liked most about it cause I never understood the appeal or the popularity behind the shallow music at the time, but I dont think it met the production or passionate song writing that was offered on Riot Act or even Binaural and I think it is the first record that showed the bands age a bit especially with Eddies vocals sounding a bit strained now going into a higher register on the fast songs but I think It gets credit for being as hard hitting, aggressive, scientific, and objective as their earlier records and most politically driven and socially critic to this day, making it arguably the most important and meaningful record in the bands discography. It has been been stated that atleast 12 songs were left off of the record. Not much is known of the songs. This would also make Avocado the most fruitful songwriting from the band since Ten! Some of the known songs are “The Forest” a song released on Jeff Ament’s solo record “Tone”, “10 Billion Years” was a song that ended up on Stone Gossard’s second LP and the track “Of The Earth“ is speculated to be B-side from their self titled record and has made some rare live appearances in 2010. The beautiful “Man Of The Hour”, one of my favorite songs was one that was recorded for the film Big Fish but wasnt included on the self titled record here. The song seems to conceptually connect with “Come Back” from the record, paying tribute to an idle or father figure after they have passed with them giving their final bow but stating that its only goodbye for now. The band had also recorded covers of “Someday at Christmas”, “Love Reign Oer Me” and “Daytime Dilemma” around this time. My favorite tracks are “Life Wasted”, “Word Wide Suicide”, “Marker In The Sand”, “Come Back”, “Army Reserve” and “Inside Job” If you like Burden Brothers, X, Foo Fighters, Wellwater Conspiracy, The Rockfords, Mother Love Bone, Skin Yard, AC/DC, Ben Harper, Temple of the Dog, R.E.M., Peter Frampton, Soundgarden, Bob Dylan, U2, Led Zeppelin, Hater, Tom Petty, Eric Clapton, The Beatles, Green River, Brad, Pete Yorn, Mad Season, Neil Young, Supersuckers, Heart, Three Fish, Steve Turner, The Verve Pipe, Ramones, Buzzcocks, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Sonic Youth or The Who you will love this record.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i was writing out a bunch of bitterness abt how disingenuous and inaccurate ppls notions about how to Deal W Someone Being Suicidal is, and it was so long even i stopped caring, but tldr i guess it feels like people, although also misguided in not having any actual idea abt what being suicidal is like, also mix up "preventing a suicide attempt" with "making someone not suicidal anymore." like, what leads someone to be suicidal is complicated and individual and more related to being unable to make a necessary change to their lives vs needing you to remind them that there's beauty in the world and suicide isn't constructive. but i think its really just a matter of distracting someone until the moment passes. lord knows we do it ourselves. going online shopping for a bit and then trying to convince yourself that you can at least the 4-7 days longer to get that shirt. because in 4-7 days or fewer it won't feel as pressing / you won't have the same energy levels. its just trying to get yourself through the period of time where you feel strongly enough that there's actually a chance you'll do something. and whether just talking about stuff or doing something else that'll keep your focus elsewhere or whatever, it's just getting through a passing urge. you can't overnight get rid of something like that. there's always this idea that you're going to solve it via some Realization, but i'm not really sure that's true. for example, if i'm gonna have a realization of what to live for, its not going to be anything it's supposed to be. its tricky when all someone has is themself to find The Reason To Live within but its their personal situation being too horrible that makes them unsure they can tolerate living in the first place. you can't always tell people that life is worth it because of Love b/c some people are lonely and don't need it emphasized. i'm p sure that there's no universal (or technically any) Reason To Live(tm), its just that most people never need to look for one. there might not be a long term answer at all, just keeping people alive enough that they happen to discover something(s) that consistently helps them distract themselves / convince themselves to wait 4-7 more days. and/or if they're able to make the necessary changes they couldn't have before and have the chance to have a different relationship with their life. but short term, when it comes to getting through the danger of an impending attempt, just try to do what works to distract someone. there's no actual easy answer that will work for sure in every situation that everyone should know, i think. and it implies that everything is preventable actually if only everyone had just known the obvious magic cure, when its loads more complicated than that. i dont even like talking about the concept of people who have killed themselves as people who werent as strong or as smart or something. i hate it pretty much. and its just really rare it feels like people are talking about how it is being suicidal honestly, one of the only times i can remember is a guy telling a story about how a friend called him from a hospital / psych ward or whatever after a failed suicide attempt to ask his advice on how to get through it because he'd been in the same situation before. and he told her that you get out because they hear what they want to hear, and you just have to play the part and tell them it was a wild mistake and the stupidest thing you've ever done and you regret it so much and you'll never do it again and you see how much you have to live for now and this is the start of the rest of your life and they're so right about everything. because nothing is going to actually be fixed overnight, and also forced institutionalization is only ever a thing that needs to be escaped. yeah sure it can prevent someone from harming themselves but so can other things, and those alternate systems could do so while not harming people. anyway, the guys story didnt have any happy ending or promise or even implication that things would be better for her or him or anybody.

it was just about what it was like. thats not a dramatic space, tumblr just wouldnt let me write any more without a space for some reason. sorry for the wall of text. it was just inspired by how trying to improve my mood doesnt get rid of me being suicidal, cuz thats not really how it works. plus sometimes its chill to know i feel like all my options are still on the table. i have extremely little way to make any plausible predictions about any part of my future and that isnt that fun

[mywildloves]

Long Post about being borderline

Some days I feel like Im an asshole (and when say that about myself I mean that I feel worthless, used, or lesser) because people make me feel that way. Some days it can be one person who just said the wrong thing, other days it feels like everyone at the same time is out to get you. 

*BUT DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES YET THERES MORE GOOD HERE THAN BAD.*

And even though the depression is strong with me today, the therapy has taught me that feeling this way is ok, BUT the way I behave and carry myself in response to it is quite different. That can mean staying in bed if I feel like I need to (cant do it every day, gotta get up at some point and adult), play video games, do whatever it takes to comfort myself. Its ok to take that day. My feelings are always valid. 

And your feelings are always valid. Your response to them may not be, however. Your behavior can either make the situation better or it can make it a lot worse. Lashing out at people, making yourself vulnerable and thus worsening the condition youre in, causing fights with others to make yourself feel better (because releasing anger feels fucking great), cutting, suicidal thoughts and threats to commit suicide... those are the things that have to be cut from your thought process, but those are the things we revert to right away and end up destroying things, relationships, jobs, etc. Stop it. 

When people say “peoples problems with you are THEIR problems”, they’re right. As borderlines, we’ve lived a LIFETIME of being abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. Some people experience one, two, or all three. Everyone is different, but as borderlines having lived a life like that from childhood, being made to feel like a burden, worthless or easily replaceable, trains our mind to believing those things about ourselves. That’s the one common thread Ive noticed from my time in group. Everyone said the same things about their past, and everyone reacts essentially the same as I did.

What we have to remember is that when people make us feel that way intentionally or unintentionally, it doesnt necessarily mean that its because of us. But we feel like its us. Its all weve ever known. Were the problem. People treat us like garbage because we are garbage. 

Its never considered that maybe the person (or people) who make you feel like shit consistently are the fucking assholes. People who do that or have dont that for a long period of time, have their own problems. Its not you. Especially if youve done nothing to provoke it. So the important thing to remember is that you are a PERSON. Youre not garbage, youre not lesser, even when people make you feel like you are. Its easy to say but hard to master. And Im thankful that having gone through a year of behavioral therapy has taught me that. To  not be afraid to just cut people off when they consistently try to make me feel that way. I try to be skillful with them, but when it gets to the point where my efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated... bye. Everyone has enough to deal with in life, but this is something that you can control. You can give someone the opportunity to change, try to repair the relationship, and if that doesnt work then they have to go. You dont have to allow people to make you feel like garbage on a consistent basis.  

I am now finally able to believe that I am not garbage. Im actually a smart, talented, goofy/silly cutie pie. Ive had to learn to radically accept that I cant change people, because no one ever can, ever, and Ive learned to change MY reaction to people who make me feel that way. This is something Ive had hammered into my head in therapy, and I wholeheartedly believe in it and practice it now. Im not garbage. And honestly? Neither are they. Theyre just as lost as we are/were. 

Think about it. It took me a YEAR of behavioral therapy, and two hospitalizations, to get me to this point. To work on fixing or changing the way my brain reacts to things, the way that I view myself and the world around me. The people Im dealing with, who make me feel like Im garbage, have not done any work to improve themselves. How could anyone possibly expect them to change? 

The most important lesson right here is: feel pity for the person thats so fucked that they have to hurt others to make themselves feel better, and then keep it moving. Make a life worth living. You can do it. Im not perfect at it, myself. But Im working on making some changes, if things dont improve, that will be difficult but important for my own mental health. 

My therapist said once, “The way out of hell is through misery”. What that means is that if youre in hell, the only way to get out is to do things that will make you uncomfortable, but that have to change. Its going to make you miserable because of your condition and the changes that need to be made are usually drastic. BUT once the storm clears, youll be back in the light again. Youll have climbed your way out of hell. And you can do that. You can. Its hard, but you can do it.