#if it comes to the point where I cant do my job and cope with the pain at the same time I'll talk to the managers

[elibeeline]

After limping so much at work it hurt my hip, im looking at forearm crutches again

[florida3exclamationpoints]

My mom just came in my room right after I got home to be like how did it go???? What happened???? When are you going back?? How do you feel??? Are you ok???? What are your hours???? What did they say??? And I know she means well but

[lakesbian]

Put the Undersiders in a busy airport or train station. How do they handle it? Who gets onto a the wrong flight/train? How many times would Aisha use her power to get into the cockpit or engine room of the train?

oh my GOD how is putting the undersiders in a busy airport or train station not one of the Situations we've put them in yet. this is great. paging @simurghed urgently. everyone please share your undersiders go to busy airport or train station thoughts this is my favorite kind of autism to engage in

brian is like. You know he's being brian about this. you know he's got his schedule printed out and all the tickets pointed out and they're in some little binder and he's making sure he specifically is carrying it the whole time. and the one time lisa casually reminds him to make sure he has xyz necessary item he's like I Have It, Don't Be Neurotic, because his coping mechanism for being nervous and feeling like a woman is questioning his Authority (<- assumed as the main and eternal coping mechanism) is misogyny. love him.

obviously taylor is bringing bugs with her wherever they go and i like to imagine if theyre sitting down in an airport waiting for a really long time and they were in one of the areas where the birds have gotten inside and are nesting + looking for food (that's a universal airport feature right? the birds that got indoors and just live there now?) she might entertain alec and aisha and also herself by flying bugs around 4 the birds and leading them on little hunting excursions and into loops and shit.

aisha takes selfies in the cockpit or engine room (shes posing next to the pilot and making bunny ears behind their head with her fingers) whenever she gets bored and then comes back to show them to alec and brian realizes theres Muffled Laughter happening in their row after aishas been Not There for a while and is like. hmm. that cant be good. and is doing a really bad job of trying to twist himself out of his seat casual-style to find out whats all that then. i can also imagine him insisting on seating himself next to aisha

...three seat plane rows. brian sitting in the middle of aisha and alec and having a wretched time. taylor rachel and lisa lezzing it up in the row in front of them.

i think alec would really enjoy take-off on a plane because Wheee he's all floaty :) and then spend the next however many hours experiencing boredom-induced ego death. possible activities include: fiddling around on his ds. making a little teenager-typical 2011-era flipaclip animation. accidentally falling asleep on brian's arm and starting to snore and drool while aisha is doing the same thing on his other arm. watching a bad movie on his little in-flight tv screen and hopefully trying to engage both brian and aisha in conversation about it because he wants to have friends.

okay i diverged from the point of air Port or train Station sorry. ive never been in a real train station so i have less to speak for there but i think it would be fun to watch the undersiders get crotchety with each other in a long line for overpriced airport food.

imagine if you will brian and taylor trying to fit comfortably in a Nappable Position in the chairs in the flight waiting area. leg cramp city

i think this would all probably be very stressful for rachel :( maybe she andt aylor should hold hands about it. to be safe.

i want to see how lisa tries to make waiting in an airport an enriching and fulfilling activity for taylor so bad. honestly it would probably be no matter what. real bonding experience.

brian laborn tries to carry 9 suitcases at once: and other fun adventures in toxic masculinity

alec vasil has to go pee, right now, for approximately 10-15 minutes, when he's asked to find something in a heavy bag: and other fun adventures in shirking responsibility

aisha laborn's mysterious magical snack manifestation: and other fun adventures in robbing the airport

you know if they were at a busy train station brian would do that thing where he ushers the undersiders around physically and it is fully an indicator of his psychological issues but also it'd be cute. it'd be cute to watch him blocking the crowd so everyone else could move more comfortably and use his Height Advantage to guide everyone most efficiently by pressing on their backs. his psychological issues are endearing

people keep asking about How Much Longer Until Boarding and lisa starts getting bored and providing real-time updates of the Precise amount of time left. if theres a delay she reads out why too

???

its nice. to imagine if they could have a fun time going to locations.

[penguinkyun]

chapter 159 review

trigger warning: this chapter deals with a canon suicide which will be referenced. please click off if it affects you! your mental health is important

this is the second chapter in a row thats accompanied by me having a fever. not sure if that says anything. anyway

i take back very little of what I said last time because the point about ruby not surpassing ai still holds, but at least she wasn't stabbed like ai. at least.

instead we got the comedy of akane wearing a knife proof vest with ichigo planning the whole thing. and yknow what im actually totally fine with this. its better than ruby being stabbed and its inadvertent subtext of "ruby is a better idol than ai, so much so she survived being stabbed" that comes with the scenario where it actually was ruby who was stabbed and survives especially with the surrounding hamfisted narrative of ruby surpassing ai

i really do like the significance of ichigo correcting his mistakes with ai by making sure no one dies in the second attack, because he is the character who has to correct his failures relating to ai's death. its great that he gets to do that in this chapter!

whats not great is him using a 19yo girl as bait in order to correct said failures. what if nino went for the throat? but then again it is in line with ichigo's character *gestures at him guilt tripping aqua in 108*

whats funny is that ichigo apparently knew ryousuke and nino were dating and just did not investigate her in the least. i could play devil's advocate for him here and say that even if he did investigate nino, ai hid who the father was and idk if nino wouldve given hikaru up at that point and theres no real way to get concrete evidence hikaru and ryousuke knew each other, not to mention goros death wasnt found out until 16 years later and even then you cant connect ryousuke to it, but thats all flimsy, paper thin justifications. cmon aqua was better at the revenge job when he was 16 and akanes been doing it better for years, ichigo do better you failed at investigating 101

(cinemasins voice) akane has double hoshigans in this chapter but last chapter she had only one hoshigan

get yourself a murderer who apologises after stabbing you

another giggle is ichigo going (shocked pikachu voice) NINO?! when her hood falls because like. Did You Not Know it was nino? like you really didn't? did you just expect someone to attack on the day of the final concert like what happened to ai? why would you expect that? i can definitively say aqua didnt tell him because aqua said shit in 155 to ichigo, but apparently neither did akane??? he really just expected it to happen. what was he gonna do if the attack happened at the concert?? what was the plan here ichigo??

155!akane: i cut my hair because i didn't feel the need to imitate hoshino ai anymore

158-9!akane: so i'll larp as her daughter instead!

i will say that this dialogue of ninos is actually what ive always thought was part of her thought process

Nino: "If Ai was nothing but an ordinary girl, what would that have made the rest of us then? I just want Ai to be “special.”`

my interp of nino was always that her idolization of ai was her coping mechanism for dealing with the Everything in first gen bkomachi, a coping mechanism that turned into an true belief after ai died because she doesnt want to face the facts about her and ai's relationship: that ai wasnt invincible, nino did hurt her and they never made up. its protection against the sheer grief and regret that would overwhelm her because she never received any closure in regards to that which was compounded by the disbandment of bkom a mere 2 years later, losing her boyfriend and her idol so horrifically (especially after she told them to die) and the years of mismanagement in bkomachi because. all she really wanted to be was friends with ai. and if they were really ordinary girls they would've made up, right? but they didnt and now nino has to live with that

nino saying she wanted to be friends with ai too is all the emotional catharsis and closure i had hoped she would get since 132 and im really glad to see that its here

unfortunately that catharsis is preceded by the plot contrivance that is nino stabbing ruby in the first place which is further duct taped together by the reason nino went after ruby which is that ruby apparently surpassed ai which — no she didn't

and that total plot device becomes even more bullshit by this chapter, where ruby is mimicking ai right down to the cut of her idol dress, her poses and double white hoshigans which gives the message that yeah. ai really was the greatest and most invincible idol who nobody could rival. because even in what is supposed to be rubys moment of triumph at reaching new heights, shes not allowed to do it by her own unique charisma.

ruby has to be shown surpassing ai visually, but because the set up was so utterly hamfisted, all thats left to show her doing so is making her do ai's own poses instead of letting what makes ruby an effective idol shine through, because her character has been so butchered, her original love and compassion for idols and life and the people around her were molded to fit whatever the plot needed to be that this moment, which is supposed to be ruby's shining moment, it just. it just rings hollow.

throughout the latter half of the movie arc shes been wanting to surpass ai on her own terms but shes not allowed to do so and instead ends up just being Ai. its all of the payoff with none of the required set up

speaking of payoffs and setups, kanas situation is the total inversion of this where kana has all the set up for her romantic resolution, her chance to shine the brightest on stage and turn everyones glowsticks white and there's absolutely no payoff. she isnt even the centre in her own graduating concert! aqua isn't there to watch her spellbinding performance because hes dealing with his father whos possibly an antagonist again so her one dream from 151 doesn't get fulfilled! she's gotten utterly pushed to the side because akasaka brute forced the "ruby surpasses ai" in 158 and realised it had to be fulfilled and thus we got whatever the hell was this final bkomachi concert. kana gets tiny singing panels with two dedicated to her solo act (which was actually nice to see at least she Did get the spotlight and her tearing up about graduating ;-;) while ruby gets the biggest, shiniest panels at kana's graduation concert and mem? who's mem? she's barely there and honestly feels like an afterthought with how her age scandal just had no tangible impact whatsoever on literally anyone! it just feels like a thread akasaka just wanted to get out the way

in general the handling of bkomachi's structure, especially now that kana is leaving and mem will age out soon along with her applying to colleges, along with how mem's reveal impacted their presence in the industry, and the impact of ruby's black hoshigan shenanigans severely skewing the popularity to her side has been incredibly lacking and its honestly just sad considering how important B-Komachi as a whole is to all of their characters.

and this scene just pisses me off entirely on ruby and bkomachi again but i ranted about that enough in 158 askhfskd moving on

coming back to nino and ryousuke for a second its honestly a little funny that nino's gay crush on ai was so strong she forgave ryousuke for jumping ship to another idol

on that note though it does touch on something re: nino and her idolisation of ai being her coping mechanism. of course everyone would move from her to ai, ai is the best , of course she would lose all relevance in bkomachi, ai is the best, of course her boyfriend would choose ai, ai is the best. it makes it easy for her to cope with being so strongly and so deeply in ai's shadow — if ai was imperfect that means nino would have to face the hurt, anger and sadness at constantly being second choice when in consideration with ai, that she would have to face that she deeply hurt ai, because that would mean ai was just as normal as her and that would mean that nino wasn't good enough. but if ai was Perfect then its obvious, isn't it? you pick the prettiest flowers after all.

although nino telling two people to die and then they actually do is. yikes. i want to hug her

speaking of ryousuke, the question of nino saying "ever since we let him die..." (mangaplus TLed it as "killed him" but that is a mistranslation which is also proved incorrect by this chapter) is answered here! i had originally assumed it meant they failed to stop him from committing suicide and that's...partially true. on the timeline, its a bit difficult to pinpoint when exactly nino yelled at ryousuke, but considering she says she forgave him for jumping ship and then says `when i told him to go die, he obeyed me just like that` when the visuals clearly show her in shock, that implies in the small window between ai dying and ryousuke committing suicide, he might have called nino in a panic, probably on a payphone and she yelled at him to die in her panic and anger at hearing yknow. that he killed ai. and that was his last straw and then she found him dead when she went to search for him

that still doesn't answer my question of how on earth ryousuke and hikaru got to the hospital ai was at

and so besides all of what i just said about nino, her and ryousuke is clearly a blatant retcon <33. none of it remotely makes sense in an in-universe context line up of events and like basically the only thing it confirms is that ichigopro really were lax about dating. net zero information gained

that being said akane implying that someone else was behind all of the murderous shenanigans going on and that someone being implicitly confirmed to be hikaru by aqua's dialogue is just...why? why bother with the nino red herring? it's a bit hard for me to put a finger on why exactly i don't really like this, but it's like. 154 showed him to be utterly defeated and depressed over ai still loving him and him having killed her and being the final end to their love story it really felt like hikaru was going to do something to make up for it! the 158 phone call even implies this! but by what akane and aqua say here, it gives the feeling of hikaru having been behind ai's and also now, what would have ruby's attempted stabbing? with making him do a deranged yandere smile to boot? it just feels off

i dont really want to make any predictions just yet so i'll just. watch where this goes

i did like aqua's mephisto jacket tho

no break next week!!!

[luvism333]

the maze runner maze diversity ideas directly inspired by this @petrichor-idyllic post!!

ive literally been thinking about it nonstop since omg okay BASICALLY its confirmed in the scorch trials movie that there are a bunch of other mazes aside from the glade and group b. since these other mazes are never touched on there are one million and one ways people could go with them in fanfiction in terms of layout, weather conditions, etc. so i wanted to share some!

petri had tons of great ideas (go follow them right NEOW) and im just here to expand on them. 4 the sake of simplicity im gonna call the “gladers” subjects/mazers since we dont really know what theyd call themselves, and im gonna call the “glade” the centre. i am gonna keep calling new kids greenies bc i think its a funny little name + DISCLAIMER i have not read the books and i also do not have the time or energy to rewatch the movies so if any information is off my bad fr

NOT PROOFREAD

MONSTER IDEAS

a maze with birdbox style monsters so they have to navigate the maze blindfolded

a maze where the monsters are deathly afraid of some sort of metal that wicked wont send them enough of to make clothes or armor (at least not enough to keep every mazer safe) so all the people are heavily pierced. greenies come up piercingless and have to sit in the piercing hut (where they keep the metal) for however long it takes them to let the maze piercers do their job because absolutely no shot are they letting any dumbass teenager go anywhere with their rare life saving metal without it being fused to their bodies. the maze record for time a greenie has spent in the piercing hut is 3 full days and the less time you spend in there when you first arrive the more street cred you get

^ the piercer would probably be the maze leader, im picturing someone who at the beginning was the only person that could talk greenies into getting the piercing over n done with and as more came up the maze just filled with people that would only listen to the one person they trusted enough to pierce them straight out of the box.

a maze with underground monsters. you drop something heavy enough and something shoots out of the ground, jaws wide open. they have treestyle type houses, floating bridges connecting buildings. they dont have runner equivalents bc theyre working on building bridges through the maze and its like a no brainer that they cant go anywhere without a bridge. instead of “someone should try surviving the maze at night” its “we should climb the walls” and everyone thinks hes just as nuts

^theyd have a box but wouldnt it be fucking funny if their greenies just fell out of the sky?? they have a little platform right underneath where the greenies and supplies land (they call it ground zero) picturing wicked somehow forgetting to cushion the platform at first and patient zero falls out of the sky and dies on impact

a maze where the monsters arent giant teen eating beasts but deadly insects. one bite of that one and youll vomit up your internal organs, breathe in gas from that one and your entire body will be paralyzed. accidentally step on that one and your foot will swell to the size of a bowling ball and fucking explode. experiment with how your mazers cope with this - maybe everyone wears layers and layers of bee keeping style clothes outside and all the buildings are netted. do they have disinfecting rooms? do they have some sort of poison that takes the insects out? how to they distribute this poison since they cant just pierce it on like the metal maze?

a maze with the hunger games mutt type monster-mutations made out of fallen mazers

a maze where the monsters arent monsters or a threat at all but contain clues or keys thatll help the mazers get out and are notoriously impossible to catch

MAZE IDEAS

on the wiki page for group b it says their maze went vertical at one point - a maze that is completely vertical, their centre (creatively named The Hole) being like a tube just walled in by heaven high maze structures. you look up and at some point the walls give way to an abyss. most of the mazers have given up hope of getting out because it looks endless - or does it? nobody really entertains the idea that the top of The Wall is closer than they think, that the creators have put in a fake ceiling to fuck with them, but the people theyve sent up dont come back down and when the hole is quiet enough they can hear something alive up there and nobody can say for sure that their little village is any worse than what theyll find if they try to leave

hunger games quarter quell type maze where different sections of it have different monsters or obstacles. the sections with the easiest to bypass obstacles have the most complicated puzzle, the sections that are the easiest to navigate have obstacles 10x as deadly

PEOPLE IDEAS

a maze where 2 people come up in the box at a time (inspired by this thomas fic). theyd have names like box-mate or smth for whoever you come up in the box with (i.e thats jeff, he’s clints box-mate) and everyone is really close with their box-mate, platonically or otherwise. i feel like theres alot of cute potential for this idea, like an alby-equivalent talking to aggressive mazers like why dont you go find your box-mate and chill out. go cuddle or something. greenies often feeling weird about their connection w their box-mate (bc who wouldnt??) and long time mazers teasing them about it “oooooh somebodys making eyes at their booox-maaate muah muah muah”

unisex maze (although all these ideas can be unisex) where the number of boys and girls is slightly or very uneven at any given time. people have bets going around that time of the month every month about whether theyre getting a boy or a girl w things like chores and food being traded like currency. the bonfires on greenie day are just celebrations for the winning party

got this idea from petri but someone alone in a maze!!! just completely isolated for however long, not being expected to survive but making it out somehow. have you guys ever read an article or paper on the long term psychological effects of solitary confinement in prisons? of course itd be different but isolation is literally used as a torture method in some places. humans are not supposed to be so alone!! a lone mazer that sleeps by the thinnest part of the walls at night so they can hear the monsters, have some sort of connection to another living thing. a lone mazer that only survives their maze because they know their monsters like the back of their hand after spending endless nights well hidden in the maze just OBSERVING the creatures because it becomes a comfort to them, seeing something outside of themself move by its own free will. a lone mazer that never stops talking once theyre out of the maze because long silence makes them feel like theyre all alone again, a lone mazer that doesnt talk at all once theyre out of the maze because they cant stand the sound of their own voice anymore.

^ petri had the idea of an animal companion and i think that is a wonderful idea!! they have this fic where the reader had a dog and theyre really cute together. go full on disney princess & give your character a bird or a chameleon or a tiger if youre a jasmine guy. a dog or any predatory animal can conceivably help your character escape the maze - give your character a sloth or a koala or just a really lazy cat. give me a lone mazer whos animal companion is dead weight but they dont have the heart to leave them, who keeps their fat cat strapped to their chest like a baby as they fight for their life. 

person alone in a maze with a baby. ik this sounds so random but wicked wanting to see the effects of growing up in the maze so they send in a carer, someone that looks after the mazers before theyre sent in. the carer raises the kid angry at whoever has trapped their now adopted child in this torture chamber come to find out they used to be one of them

maze where the subjects are supposed to get injured in some way to force them to rely on one another. a subject being deafened by a banshee type monster, a subject getting a limb amputated by medjack equivalents after getting suddenly and suspisciously sick. they dont spend so much time mapping the maze as figuring out how to get all of them through to the very end because they quite literally cannot make it without every single mazer

a maze where the subjects keep their memories but theyve all been altered. some remember wicked as saviours providing shelter for them as orphaned children, others remember being restrained, poked and prodded, a vague feeling of grief and betrayal that they cant explain. others dont remember wicked at all and insist that the maze is a paradise compared to desert wastelands filled with zombie people and viral disease.

your mazers can react to this in any way shape or form. maybe factions/cliques of people with similar memories form. nobody wants a leader from a different group in charge of the entire maze so they dont have one, there not being any rules that apply to every group in the maze because nobody will listen to eachother. everyone thinks the ones that dont remember wicked are crazy and the anti-wicked group have the most reason to become violent, have been the most violent in the past so everyone thinks theyre psychos. it takes them longer than other groups to get out despite having memory because they all take over different parts of the maze and refuse to share information.

mazers that have access to technology. they can make things like recordings and audios but no way of connecting to the outside world and no information aside from what they put in themselves. they learn to program things and make robots/drones to navigate the maze for them, make intro videos for greenies so they dont have to deal with them. instead of track hoes and medjacks they have groups of people that work on different kinds of technology because theyve learnt to automate most of the stuff the gladers do by hand. some work on exploring the maze, some make weapons, some study the monster corpses theyve managed to get, etc etc.

CULTURE/TRADITION IDEAS

the different ways people commemorate dead mazers!! in the glade they cross out their names on the maze walls and in group Bs maze they like sculpt their faces into the ice. give me a maze that tattoos the names of their fallen, whos oldest mazers have the most ink so it kind of goes without saying that the more tattoos you have the more authority you have. greenies being able to tell clearly whos been around longer based on which names they have tattooed. give me a maze that mounts the weapons of the dead on a wall, a maze with a regular graveyard that the mazers visit on slow days

greenie events!!! give me greenie celebrations like the bonfire we see in the glade, parties or games, feasts to welcome newcomers. give me a maze where the arrival of a greenie is grim, one more mouth to feed, one more lost soul trapped. a maze where everything dims down around that time of the month because another person means another month theyve failed to get out. give me mazes that test their greenies to see if theyre of any use to the group because those that arent are dead weight. a maze that holds Greenie Trials, where you have to complete an obstacle course or survive a night in the maze or complete some obscure challenge and if you cant youre tossed to the monsters.

^bonus points for a gally-equivalent getting to say ominous shit like The Last One Didn’t Make It

TATTOO SUBGENRE

because i dont know what else to do with these

maze where wicked programmed the monsters to respond to some basic specific kind of symbol and the people have it tattooed in very visible places, painted on every hut and wall

maze where the monsters are deathly allergic to some sort of liquid so the subjects tattoo themselves with it

maze where you have to be incredibly light on your feet when navigating the maze so people tattoo maps on themselves.

GROUP B

i know im supposed to be talking about maze ideas not mentioned in canon but group b has so much potential their wiki says that group b doesnt have runners, they literally all just go out into the maze in a giant group, AND that their monsters are out day and night PLUS their maze is a frozen wasteland. i imagine any girls that arent strong enough to withstand everything are like pretty quickly weeded out and only the hardasses that adapted quickly enough were left omg the cultural norms that would form?? theyre all absolutely jacked and if a greenie dies nobody bats an eye cause tough shit. no introduction no transition period you come into the maze with us and dodge airborne monsters or you stay here and freeze to death. the creators do send them medical supplies but over time they start to notice the way the group interacts w eachother so they start sending less to see if they can push it even farther, make the girls have to ration their medical supplies. it works tenfold oh you broke your arm and you want a sling, aris?? rachel got her arm CHEWED OFF by a FLYING MUTANT PTERADACTDOL and didnt ask me for so much as a BANDAID

this is like evidenced on the wiki too multiple girls suggesting they just leave aris to freeze to death or get eaten by monsters in the maze because theyre SUSPISCIOUS of him?? like absolutely unprovoked too thomas had a stung glader accusing him of being at fault for the maze an unconscious girl who came at the wrong time who is apparently going to be the last greenie they ever recieve feverishly gasping his name just so much ammo for the gladers to toss him out and it takes the death of like half the glade and an insane gally to get him where aris was upon arrival. they literally punch aris square in the face immediately after they decide not to kill him bc “its the fastest way to remember your name” like how did you guys realise that??? "fastest way” so you admit there are other ways??? why are you giving all your greenies concussions

GEN

because i dont know where to put these

explore the concept of failed mazes. a desert maze where the subjects couldnt survive on the monthly supplies because they couldnt farm any food on their own because, well, desert. a maze where wicked did something like the memory altering maze, purposefully dividing them but they went too far and the mazers killed eachother off hunger games style

test mazes! have you ever wondered why the mazes operate the way they do? why do they send people up once a month? why are the mazers of all different ages? why not make the centre already stocked with food and buildings so the subjects can spend more time cracking the maze instead of learning how to grow crops?

a maze where they sent all the people up at once and without guidance from more experienced subjects they pretty quickly killed themselves off. a maze where the subjects were too young and werent organising themselves or mapping the maze fast enough, a maze where the subjects were too old and lost hope faster and easier. a maze where the mazers had everything they needed upon arrival and nobody wanted to leave.

AND MANY MORE!!!

IN conclusion make ur own mazes people!!!!! get creative w it there are so many different directions you can take it in!! pls feel free to use any ideas thats what theyre here for i dont need credit but PLEASE tag me id love to see anything that comes from this nonsense!!! nd lmk if anybody wants a pt2 because i had a million half baked ideas that didnt make the cut i am filled to the brim with Thoughts

[possiblylando]

Chainsaw Man Chapter 148 not so early analysis

Bit later than usual cause college and I wanted to look into something from part 1.

Fumiko has been continuing the trend of being absolutely useless in every situation shes ever been put in to the point I feel confident in saying she CANT fight. This clearly isn't a kobeni situation where she can fight if necessary because she hasn't even really been trying to fight or protect anyone. It's the point I've actually started to believe the theory that Fumiko is actually Aldo in disguise.

For a refresher Aldo was one of the american assassin brothers who got picked off at the beginning of the arc by Power and Yoshida respectively. However Aldo survived the entire arc and has been awol ever since. He's also surprisingly durable since he survived both of these attacks with minimal injury.

He may or may not have been hit by halloween, Given his facial expression I it seems like he's faking it especially since Halloween was used on the doll devil and so should logically only effect her dolls which Aldo is not.

I went back through these chapters expecting to find a smoking gun that could prove this to be true. Specifically I was looking for a scene where he or one of the brothers was holding an ID card which could be matched against the way Fumiko holds it, But I did not find that.

This is the best I found but it's also standard practice so it isn't good evidence. Back to the chapter itself, It's clear now Quanxi is just going through the motions

She's clearly been lacking when it comes to combat and athletics in these previous few chapters in comparison to her original appearance. She's been sort of stumbling through these chapters with the help of her regeneration. Which is a bit strange until you keep in mind; Quanxi is more than likely SUPER depressed. The last time we saw her before this was when she fought Denji and the previous time before that was when everyone she cared about got murdered by Makima. It's probable that she blames herself for it because she took the job to kill Denji and thus got her and the girls into the situation that killed them in the first place.

Fuck you looking at bitch do something

The transition between these two pages is so good I had to do a double take because my immediate though was that Quanxi was the one who got her arm cut off. But then obviously it's Asa's. You can feel the inspiration from good movie transitions here.

This whole scene is very cool and also very interesting because Asa is able to block Yoshida's sword with her barehand. She got such an amp from the chainsaw fire attacks that she can do this. It also means she has basically the same base stats as yoru. Which is to be expected but I think is interesting.

It seems like this page was drawn before the rest of the one in this sequence because Yoshida is busting through a wall here despite the fact Room 606 was just destroyed; Thus there should be no wall to bust through to escape onto the street. Interestingly the other personality is absent in this scene entirely. We never see Yoru and Asa in the same panel which is an interesting choice. Its probably a creative choice to only have one of them around in major action scenes. Feels like a good time to mention a theory I saw on twitter. I've been trying to find it but I've had no luck. If I can find it it'll probably be apart of next week's post. To summarize the theory; Asa and Yoru are the same entity. Not two separate beings in one body. Asa the human we met at the beginning of part 2 has been dead since the justice (fire) contract user killed her. The Asa we see now is a split personality reconstructed using the intact memories in the body's brain at the time she became a fiend. If true it means Asa is an alternate persona created by Yoru in order to cause more conflict within herself (constant internal warfare) and as a coping mechanism due to the chainsaw devil massacre in hell. Its an interesting theory I want to put on the board incase something happens with it especially since Yoru is growing in strength rapidly. Probably how Black Pochita was schooling them during it.

[andromedasummer]

Over a third of the way through The Whispering Skull heres my current thoughts

- If I were Lockwood and Lucy I would be a little bit mad about George missing the whole "area theyre searching was an execution ground for criminals" thing but also I feel like it's the first clear sign we get that something is off with George. Like hes burnt out. Hes tired. Hes just a teenager. They all are and theyre working adult jobs and literally dont have the capacity or past experience to communicate with one another. Very realistic for teenagers.

- I love Kipps so much I love how full of himself he is I love how pathetic he comes across even when he gets the upper hand I cannot wait to see him and his team get cut down to size.

- That being said I would have thrown down then and there had I been struck with a Mag Flare like that. better ways to go about ghosts, its dangerous as shit, badly damaged L&C's clothes and perfectly shows that the Fitts agency arent really trained in a people-first way. The way they put pressure on their teams to secure a source above all and encourage hostility towards other agents.... Super telling about management and an early warning sign to me. Esp with what we know happens to Ned Shaw (which i'll have a lot to say about later when it happens) and Kat, Bobby and Kipps v trauma.

- I liked Joplin a lot when I read the books as a kid + my reread 2 years back but now... idk. Too reckless, esp with how he treats ghosts when in the company of teenagers and children. Hate how comfortable all the adults in this world are about putting children at risk. They really treat them as a resource or rather than anything else.

- The skull is such a fucking shit stirrer which again makes so much damn sense when you learn hes a teenager whose been stuck with no one to talk to in a jar for like a hundred+ years. Of course you're trying to push apart Lockwood and Lucy. You are a fucked up ex-cultist teenage boy who finally found someone to talk to and are perpetually stuck in your teenage brain and hormones. You are So Jealous.

- Lucy, George and Lockwoods argument about the Georges recklessness and then The Skull seeding distrust again drives home my point about communication but also Christ these kids need more friends. Their entire childhood and teen years are stripped from them. They have no family to talk to or guide them. No non-work friends their age to vent to. Immense trauma and no one to help them through it.

- Jonathan Stroud give me a follow up series following the team in their mid twenties coping with having their lives dedicated to a job they literally cannot do anymore and the repercussions of no education and no safety nets for agents once they reach adulthood. What do they do? Where do they work? Where do they go? How do they afford to live? What happens to agents who only built relationships with coworkers they cant even face because of trauma? Agents disconnected with their families? Nightwatch kids whose education was ruined because their days were spent recovering from their shifts? I need to know.

- Okay back to the book the ghost cult stuff hits so much harder in a post-covid world. I was there getting harassed by anti vaxxers when they invaded parliament for a month and it ended in violence. of course in times of fear people become vulnerable to misinformation. You Are Not Immune To Cults. Or Propaganda. Again, spin-off following the people who try to fight those who profit off of peoples fear and build wealth and followings off of it. Theres so much interesting stuff in this world I want to explore.

- Kipps and Lockwoods teams having to work together bcos of Barnes is so good. I love Kipps team so much I love seeing them

- Kat Godwin is autistic and I know this. Because I am Autistic. Also she comes off as someone who has shut down to everything around her because, again. trauma of her work. at 16 theres no way she hasnt been through something similar to Lucy or Lockwood. I'm sad we see less of her after book three. same with Bobby.

- Now I want to write a hyper empathetic autistic lucy/low empathy autistic kat fic where they both realize they have a lot in common with their Talents and work and bond it doesnt even have to be romantic i just want to see more of Kat

- A LSO i need lucy to have more female friends for the love of god i understand this is your pick me phase of your teens but it makes me so sad to see your internalized misogyny even though it ABSOLUTELY makes sense for her character and is so common for teen girls like her but the way she talks about sensitives and every other female operative she meets. girl. who are you trying to impress rn. you dont need to.

- Ned Shaw getting the shit kicked out of him by Lockwood DESERVED.

- I love this little nightwatch boy who helps the team with all my heart. what is his name. my son. hes such a little cunt.

- FLO TIME FLO TIME i am so excited to see Flo you people DO NOT UNDERSTAND shes so fucking cool mudlarkers are so fucking cool fuck you if you hate flo this is a flo bones appreciation zone

- obligatory "i miss holly" comment even though. she hasnt been introduced yet and wont be until the next book. i love gay people okay.

- Anyway I'm enjoying this a lot I said TWS isnt my fav book (mostly the stuff later on in the book isn't as compelling to me) but this stuff at the start rules. I didn't expect to write so much. Im having so much fun.

[thiswontbeforever]

TW// sh & s*icidal thoughts, anxiety, depression

okay idk if it’s just me bc i haven’t seen anyone else really mention it & pls let me know if i should delete this but was anybody else watching s2 and really noticing that darkness edvin was talking about in wille?

first off the anxiety, depression, & dissociation he experiences is heartbreaking. i mean we saw s1 the constant anxiety, coping mechanisms, & the more physical & violent panic attacks (& maybe a form of sh with him hitting his head/pulling his hair) but the display of his anxiety this time is very different (picking his nails instead, the mouth movement thing edvin mentioned) and ofc not being able to breathe (still with the collar & ties) but it’s all even more repressed than s1. i mean it was heartbreaking bc he really doesn’t have anyone to lean on & he knows he needs to use his role as crown prince in a way he never wanted to in order to get what he wants & so he’s trying to keep that facade together, separate himself like erik (supposedly) did, & even w/ going to the school therapist he’s not actually addressed his anxiety much w/ anyone. i mean him actually throwing up this season, the anxiety taking over his body AGAIN, it’s such an intense and draining state to be in and edvin did an incredible job of adapting wille’s anxiety w/ the new situation. additionally, the scenes where he’s so out of it, literally looks just empty and blank…had me a mess. as much as i hate certain scenes, thinking about wille’s mental health & heartbreak i really do understand (it’s like simon asking “why can’t i just fall in love with him (marcus)? - why can’t i get over this? everyone says it’ll get better so i’m just being dramatic right? why does it still feel like this? what if i could feel it with someone else? desperation from both of them to try and feel anything other than what they do after it all, without each other, feel something close to what they had. it’s the whole point - they cant. they only had what they had because it was them and moving on is more miserable bc everyone involved has a different motive, different expectations, and are all using each other to a certain extent. trying to prove something but all they prove is what exists between simon & wille is real, and right, & cannot be recreated or replaced). okay i got way off topic buT -

back to wille’s state of mind what i was getting at was that darkness was truly there & i genuinely kept waiting for him to possibly hurt himself or really allude to suicidal thoughts. (there were a few lines where he did say just like i feel like i’m gonna die (?) i think it was) & with that true hollow look he had in so many scenes i wouldn’t have been surprised if those ideations were brought up. i never thought wille would actually do that or that that’s where the story was heading, but i just mean that i GET what edvin was saying. it’s darkness of anger, revenge, regret, and wille’s entire mental state where he genuinely feels like it’s never going to stop hurting or get better because he’s lost the one person who gave him hope. that scene where he goes to the like fence in front of the lake (?), listening to music, and then felice comes…i mean flashback to wilmon at the lake, how cold the water is then as a joke, a tease about august (?)…but in this scene it seemed like wille had been just standing there for a while before felice came & i really had this feeling of just disassociation & maybe unconsciously him thinking about the temperature of the lake…not like seriously but i hope what i’m trying to say makes sense.

i just think it was brilliant writing and acting to show how bad the position wille is in really was for him & have him finally start to open up in therapy & with felice & simon.

that being said…

where the fUck was my simon breakdown. (i know we saw a BIT in the last episode my poor baby 😭 he looked absolutely devastated & broken but god like !! i wanted more especially after trying to distract himself with marcus & everything uh. i’m glad he had his song but then !! they took it away)

[r0b0t1me]

"#sorry i can only make snippets of scenes and never elaborate on them#unless someone asked me to. huehue" i am begging. you to elaborate the "train me" sketch on the upper right 🥹 and any jr. hcs you have that u wanna talk abt (but only if u want).... also pls your coloring and expressions are INSANE but this is nothing i havent told u before!!!!!!!!! i just think your sketches have so much story bleeding out of them. its great

so funny thing about the train me one....

some of these are ideas i know ive talked about already, but im pulling a lot from idw where casey copes with fear/anger/insecurity by picking fights and attempting to be a vigilante. leos always the one who portals him out of jail and patches him up but the more i think about it, raph could help in managing his anger or taking it out in a more productive way (duo missions perhaps?), even if he cant unpack the mountain of trauma caseys got on his shoulders

i cant help it that the scene where casey cusses out leo is engraved in my brain forever. the kids a jones, on top of the constant violence in his life, anger feels like something that would come pretty naturally to him in order to cope* (i know he was raised to be a soldier, following orders and keeping a check on his emotions to carry things out, so i feel like the moment he doesnt have to fight a war and keep himself in line for the sake of other people anymore everything just kind of pours out of him) donnie has easily spent 1000$ in new sandbags for the dojo

*not that i think casey is inherently violent or always upset. but i think the kids a bit messed up sometimes from the. yknow the Everything

from riches and wonders by the mountain goats. casey jones, the restless ghost who cant feel at home

actually yknow what lets make this post a mile long who cares. i wanna explore casey hanging out with all the boys. i know i focus a lot on him and leo bc their dynamic is so twisted but i need to draw him hanging with mikey, learning to cope with self expression that he never got the real chance to do in wartime. him being around donnie and the two of them both learning they can support each other while still trying to protect their family in their own way (talking mainly abt casey helping donnie with his tech here, since donnies neurotic as hell abt security after the movie to me). casey getting to know raph in general, a living legend to him. and of course cassandra, something i was too afraid to touch on before but now i think im confident enough to try and tackle at this point

i dont think ill ever get around to writing a whole story but i know eventually casey finds stability. in my mind i see him getting a job where he helps people (something in a medical field, maybe). he has a good relationship with his family, and practically lives with them 75% of the time. leo is the one hes closest to, of course. he travels the world alone after a few years and cries over fleo never getting to see it, but knows that wherever his master is that hes at peace, knowing that at least casey had the chance

i have more to talk about but im running out of steam and im starting to get embarrassingly heartfelt the longer i ramble so um- (EXPLODES)

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

i’ve noticed that you update language barrier pretty much everyday with very little time or days between every update. i was wondering how you update it so fast? do you already have most of the story finished but just adding some last minute touch ups and/or checking for grammar mistakes? or do you just do one chapter a day in a impressively short time? i’m curious since what i noticed writers tend to take some time updating their stories so it was just really new to see someone update theirs so frequently. 

I shit u not, at this point im a degenerate neet

I wake up at 1pm, have one meal until 1:30pm abd then sit in front of the computer until 2am in the morning, typing away, each chapter i try to go for 4000 words but never able to reach them most of the time, so usually its around 3500 plus

It all started with me breaking my leg 💔 before that i had a job and shit but now nyeeh i cant really do shit without breaking down crying how painful my leg is, so im doing this to cope and stuff

If u look closer theres a lot of leg and foot injury mentions recently, especially when it comes to Yandere Best Friend

I dont do touchups and grammar check, or even check for plotholes or continuity- i rely on my vague recollection of the previous part , then i publish my chapters hot out of the oven, right after add a bunch of tags, link my masterpost and previous posts , at that point my brain is fried thru n thru and thars why my author's note looks like it was written by someone on fucking molly

How i write is by checkpoints or specific sentences that I want to be added in the story- and in between each checkpoints i pump out filler chapters, these filler chapters can range anywhere from one chapter or 7 fuckin chapters

U kno that wordy translation about "she who is divine" bullcrap? That is A checkpoint, everything else past the Giant vs 2718 fight was just filler lol

Fun fact, part 11 where theres a lot of angst with 2718 is considered a filler chapter 2 me

As soon as i put out a post, i go straight back to my drafts and work on the next part

The reason why thers so many fillers is cause i try not to use timeskips all that much, the pacing between chapters are usually within a 30 hour timeframe (with the exception where reader fell into a comas cause i dont want to write the entire journey back, i thought it would be boring as hell to just describe 2718 put a foot in front of his other foot repeatedly)

The next major checkpoint is probably like lightyears away, i try to churn out as much as i can before the end of this month, where ill restart uni and wont have any time to update AT ALL, lest i fall into dormancy until i break my other leg

Language Barrier is just one long bullshit session lol

[probablynotnothing]

This picture is from a book called "all along you were blooming" by morgan harper nichols.

its almost unbearably hard trying to be a human who is good, careful, smart, forward thinking, and doesnt harm others. i didnt experience pain like this when i was younger. i know now i dont use any substances at all it is also terrifying and frightening to experience emotions i prevented ever experiencing when i was younger. through numbing in many various ways. some of these emotions its not necessary for me to experience but i dont know yet which these are. so coming off the tail end of the season of pointing my anger against myself, i will use the last remains of this guilty desire to harm myself by experimenting with what does and doesnt help me in certain contexts.

It's so difficult to know myself and what works for me to do to feel better in different circumstances, since i relied on drugs, sex and food when younger in a way that I now associate with my downfalls and shame. Yes many things i did to cope and make myself feel better when younger had outcomes not in my best interest, but there was really magic in doing things by consulting my inner desire and enjoyment. i want to do that now and minimize harm (financial, health, relational) while also being compassionate to myself that my brain doesn't experience joy and rewards with the things that "it should" experience rewards with. I dont have patience, i dont like arts and crafts, I like hands on activities and exploring and learning, and thats ok.

I cant problem solve it and know all the answers right now regarding how to think about myself and life. i'm frustrated so many people know who they are and what theyre doing, and that they feel inherently rewarded doing the things that take me massive willpower to force myself to do. i feel betrayed that i don't enjoy doing much and certainly don't seem to enjoy anything "upright" and "productive".

i have so much debt and dont have any financial plans in place. i keep eating out because its the only way i can feel comfort and pleasure lately and i don't have the energy and patience to cook like i used to. i know my unhappiness directly relates to my job, and my job directly relates to my financial constraints. it seems like a self perpetuating cycle. Don't know the way out but im grateful to remember this is a major aspect of my unhappiness and anger, and I'm not just "broken". I'm experiencing appropriate human emotions for a human in my circumstances and history.

I force myself to go to these classes I dread each week because i tell myself if I don't I may be stuck in my exhausting dead end job forever and never get closer to my goals and just keep breaking down my body more with overworking myself in fast paced physical labor jobs. I'm experiencing the discomfort of something new yes- but I am also experiencing the discomfort of incompatibility and disagreement in philosophy (dog training), and a lack of inherent rewards. I'm trying to force myself to behave in a way I think I should to accomplish my goals, but doesnt the path my end goal need to be filled with things i find bearable and rewarding in order to confirm i'm on the path?

I keep on feeling like a ghost. winding up in situations where i dont want to be rude and infringe ("who am i to sidetrack this person's path"). while its important to be able to quietly peacefully depart paths and leave into the night, at some point i do need to also learn how to be honest about confusion, disagreements, etc. because i need compassion for myself, to be willing to take up room and help those who may not want to ask for help or admit they need help, and i need others to help me by giving me opportunities so i can selfishly have a job that is actually compatible with me and my inherent advantages/ strengths and disadvantages/weaknesses.

I need to recognize for myself the difference between sincerely liking someone and being compatible, and the difference of living in "customer service mode" and trying to be likable and peaceable with everyone.

When i survived when i was younger, and got out of homelessness, could i have accomplished it in ways that didnt involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to "stick with the program"?

it feel like an overwhelming disaster to examine and sort through how my unhappiness relates to practical matters of the present or past memories, but its worth it for me to try to find my peace adn happiness, and try to get to the life i want to live, even when it feels impossible.

[rorschachisgay]

i find reading 4chan posts absolutely fascinating in a like anthropological study way. everyone on that site has something horrifically wrong with them but there's a clear dividing line between people who are managing their lives but hang out on there because they are also unbelievably racist vs people who know theres something wrong with them and with the world but cant cope with it and get encouraged by the site to sink deeper into their own misery. i think there was a point in time when there were people on 4chan who werent reprehensible human beings but we're long past that point and now its just purely egregiously awful.

but there is something so interesting about it as a like hive of human suffering. no one on there is like actually happy with their lives. sometimes you get those posts like the turtle one i just reblogged that are kind of beautiful in their earnest appreciation for life and that we can all empathise with but there's no doubt in my mind that every single other post that user has made is like talking about the pussy phrenology of different anime girls.

you have this very specific type of person who is completely disaffected by society and is deeply isolated, either has no real friends or no one he feels close with enough to be actually honest with, understands that the system we live in is broken and that he himself is a broken person, but has chosen to concentrate all that anger and misery into becoming the most hateful version of themselves possible. probably doesn't even see it as a choice because he doesn't see immediate reward for making the most minute amount of effort to improve his life, so assumes that it's totally helpless. and that's not to say they don't live in circumstances that do make profound change incredibly difficult because i have seen that some of them do, but there's also a refusal to stop being in online spaces that are actively encouraging you to destroy yourself.

there's this very specific type of person you get, which is someone whose rage and misery comes from their own narcissism. they are convinced they are smarter, better, more worthwhile than everyone around them, that everyone they know is a moron and a worthless person. but they themselves see no success and no happiness in their own life, despite the fact they feel they deserve better. and because they know they're the best person alive but they're also a failure by their own metric, they become hateful both internally and externally. obviously to some extent we all feel something like this, we all at one point or another get stuck in a shitty job or shitty class or shitty family that is holding you back and you're with genuinely bad people. but with this case, with this kind of real internalised hatred, your anger escalates outside of just immediate irritating coworkers, there's this genuine pure and unbridled hatred and rage for everyone around you for experiencing any kind of earnest and genuine emotion in the face of your own misery.

and that kind of mindset is an epidemic on 4chan, that each of them deserves more and that they despise anyone who feels anything earnestly. they're not really capable of escaping their own cynical hatred. unsurprisingly you see this a lot with white supremacists and misogynists, since most if not all 4chan users are also white supremacists and misogynists, where their whiteness and maleness should automatically make them the superior but they aren't successful and therefore there must be some other reason, some kind of conspiracy against them. there's this constant awareness on 4chan that the system is fucked but they're also unable to put the pieces together because of their own bigotry and their own refusal to see that they might be wrong.

it's interesting to me because on one level there's things I understand; i have been profoundly lonely and isolated almost my entire life, i feel disenfranchised by the terrible system we live in, i love the movie Drive. i can also sometimes understand the desire to make yourself as reprehensible to outsiders as possible, to become some kind of truly vile thing to make everyone who doesn't understand feel ill and uncomfortable and awful. but i also can never understand everything else, the deep-seated true venomous hatred for all humanity, the bigotry, the total close-minded determination to be miserable. it's like looking through some kind of hideous black mirror of what life could be like if i didn't grow up being taught feminist theory and anti-racism. because i don't think there's any single innate trait that proves you can or can't be one of these people, it takes effort. you have to work to expand your knowledge, to open your mind, to keep trying. you have to be able to accept when you're wrong. you have to choose to care about people.

but like i said i do read a lot of these posts and it is always fascinating to me how much these people try to escape their humanity but are so human in doing so. there's something kind of Sisyphean about it.

there was a trend back in the 2012s on here to talk about 4chan like it was full of leet dark hackers and at some points in time there have definitely been people on there who know how cybersecurity works and how to get around it, but as of this present year in the 2020s, the userbase seems to be almost entirely just the most pathetic, saddest part of humanity imaginable. i assume that has a lot to do with the shifting userbase, the website changing hosts and domains and owners, etc, and the different face of the internet now. mostly now i think they're just profoundly sad.

and its like. I do find these people fascinating. but they are also so fucking unbelievably mind-numbingly boring. they will never produce anything true or beautiful because they are so fucking scared of feeling and of people. they will just sit alone for their entire lives believing that if it's going to get better it will only be because of someone finally recognising their genius.

i don't know if you can or can't help them. I don't really see it as our duty to do so. if someone is a nazi for their entire young adult life i don't think any of us should have to fix that for them. I think if the system we live in is changed it will also make life better for them, because it will make life better for everyone, but i don't particularly want to assign the duty of "we NEED to help these poor racist white men" to anyone. i understand how people get in these positions but it's the same issue again and again. a total refusal to take any action out of a sense you should not be inconvenienced, people should hand stuff to you.

i have no real deeper conclusion here. i just find something really strange and interesting about looking at a post about seeing a beautiful spark of hope for humanity and knowing that that same person, the day before, wrote about how he intentionally shit himself in public to try and make a woman on the bus uncomfortable.

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[n1ghtm3ds]

For the record Im not “so fat I need to wipe my ass with a stick” im almost 6 feet tall and around 270lbs (probably less because my weight has finally been evening out but thats what I was at my last physical)  im fat but only like “cant buy cheap clothes from china” fat but it doesn’t keep me from doing physical shit (the job I work is extremely constantly physically demanding) and my bloodwork is all good it is literally just an aesthetic thing and it happens to almost everybody who takes the meds Im on like yeah it sucks but I can work a job now and can be trusted to keep myself safe so Im not totally unhappy with the trade-off.  Id like to build a little more muscle and get a little more fit but the strain that the medication puts on my circulatory system makes it hard.  Ive been doing intermittent fasting for a little over a month and it is going well but the farmer assholes are a lot more concerned than my Dr is about my size.  Also me and Luna are very similar body types, Im an inch or two taller than her and about 50lbs heavier but you don’t need to point out 500 times that we are both broad girls especially knowing that she is struggling with ED. And she DOESN’T look like me, she significantly slimmer stop encouraging the delusion that she is bigger than she is the poor girl is already struggling with ED.  U don’t LARP ED.  If you want or are trying to give yourself an eating disorder you already have one.

And “there were no fat people in Auschwitz”  yeah because the prisoners were literally starved TO DEATH they were starved past the point of their metabolism slowing down to the point where upon freedom they couldn’t process their first meals and many died from refeeding syndrome.  The stereotype of the “fat German” comes from the fact that during reconstruction people were being re-introduced to normal caloric amounts and their bodies would respond by getting enormous.  And there WERE average-build people in the concentration camps, that famous picture of the children by the fence contains quite a few kids who are not emaciated.  The most striking pictures are of the severely emaciated prisoners so that is why they are used most often but there are plenty of pictures of broader/heavier people in the ghettos where starvation rations were implemented and like I said these people were starved TO DEATH  you either die or you recover and accept the recovery weight, are you really pointing to Holocaust victims as “Ana goals” because that is a new level of sick.

Oh and the thigh gap thing isn’t “fat girl cope” I have been underweight (like actually BMI wise not just for my frame) and never had a thigh gap because it is literally a matter of if ur hip bones rotate during puberty or not.  Ive seen girls my size with thigh gaps, it is about bone structure not bodyfat.  

To the person who said my interest in Luna was “because Ive found somebody with a worse life that I can gloat over” I feel really bad for you if that is what motivates you to make friends.  And its not “parasocial” we have had a number of conversations she just doesnt like responding on posts publicly because of the whole stalking thing and Im not a scumbag who shares my DMs.  Shes a cool person, never been anything but nice and chill, and I really like her art.  Im hoping to bring her on board as an illustrator for a project Im working on, in fact.

Sorry for the novel I just have not read lolcow in ages and can’t believe Im still being discussed.  Im fat and autistically friendly, there are a lot of worse things  you could be (like, for example, somebody who participates in and laughs about sex crimes by spreading revenge porn of people) and it isnt like Im overflowing with milk I go to work and smoke my weed and watch my silly little horror movies yall are so swept up in the mob mentality that u have to attack anybody who shows the poor girl some decency and Im sorry not sorry but you don’t scare me and u aren’t going to bully me into participating in ur nastiness.  

[raincamp]

12 01 2023

vent post

i want to murder my roommate so fucking bad.

ive been feeling like shit recently. my hormones are all out of wack bc my endo didnt refill my testosterone for two weeks, and also started me on progesterone. ive been feeling more intensely in the past three days than i have in the past 6 months. its scary. and dysphoria inducing.

its like my bpd is coming back full force. i had it fucking numbed away for the past 3 months and now its back and i cant fucking ignore it. im gonna fail soon, fail at coping through stuff.

ive been using drugs and alcohol to do that work for me and now im trying to be sober. i think thats fucking with me too. im becoming unbearable. unbearable to myself and to the people around me. im so much better when im on something.

i had my first day at a new job today. i only worked 3 hours but the job is super physical and i ended up immediately falling asleep the second i got home, and then my roommate woke me up, and then my cat wouldnt let me go back to sleep (not in the cute way)

my roommate is getting on my fucking nerves today, and im trying to tell myself that its just because im exhausted from work and moody bc of my new medication but FUCK dude i hate him so fucking much. he used to be my best friend. im splitting.

he keeps like. dating people. which is fine, but hes online dating and he keeps getting ghosted, which is normal, but of course he has to ask me for my opinion, and for advice, and then he always automatically shuts me down, or turns it around to me saying something bad about him. like. hes specifically asking me for advice. and then not listening to me. and then making me look bad.

and its always fucking "i did something wrong, somethings wrong with me" and honestly its getting to the point where im tired of hearing him say that. im tired of telling him to stop putting his self worth onto girls that dont even have the decency to tell him they dont like him.

and then when i go to walk away, end a conversation, ignore him, etc. hes always thinking im mad at him or he did something wrong no matter what i say to reassure him. i tell him im tired from work, im hungry, its not about him, i need time alone, and then he starts getting upset about it.

i hate it because it reminds me of me.

maybe not now me. not current me. current me knows how to reassure myself. current me knows how to communicate. current me knows how to cope through percieved abandonment.

he doesn't and it pisses me off. now i have to do the mental work for both of us.

im so fucking angry

[tokyogruel]

🎥for the hyperfixation ask? :3

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

MAN THIS IS DIFFICULT,, can i be extra and do one scene per prisoner? im going to GFHJK

it used to be a different scene for haruka, but i started thinking too much about this chair

it has so much weight and focus in his video, i started writing a whole post about it i. (grips my head) i cant think about a chair for an hour straight

the scene where yuno smashes the "rose-tinted glasses"

also there is so much cat stuff in her video. theres no way shes not kazui's daughter. i stand by it

when i first watched this scene it was on a small phone screen, the mound in front of them looked so much like flesh for a moment it gave me shivers

this isnt my favorite scene i just wanted to point out theres a noose next to her ^^

this whole scene leading up to rei's death got me. its just a little wild to me how muu's perspective didnt obscure her crime in any way- we explicitly see her stab rei. for most of the other t1 videos, their murders were(/are) a bit of a guessing game

im still writing my shidou theory i cant stand this man and how much he's occupied my brain. do you know how many fuckin times ive watched triage? like. ????? DO YOU UNDERSTAND

anyway, i dont think he's in a relationship, at least not a committed one. this is shidou's room- it's large and dark and unfurnished. its empty. this is not a house that a wife and children live in- this is a bachelor pad. also this is maybe my fav scene at the moment cause its just eating at my brain. why do you fucking live like this

also me laughing if this is where he got his "wife" from in his memory:

anyway i love his songs, i love him. his videos are boring without the flower symbolism. L

i woke up at 3:30 am to watch this video premiere when i was working a job that i hated and my life was falling apart, this hit me like a truck and i dont think ill get over it<3333 ily mappi youre so interesting but holy shit. you turned my brain into mulch for a week after this. inconsolable

i almost put one of the gif previews for cat here, but i think id rather avoid spoilers atm. the gifs are driving me up a wall though !!!

but ugh this very last moment in half? i fucking love the whole song and video. it's touching, it's soft, the music is beautiful. yes king, put your mask back on. i love a theatre actor

this is here for an observation: all of the other characters hurting amane at this part have the cult symbol clearly displayed on their design (the overlapping clouds) but yuri does not! it's only on his donation box

man i know its a little lame to enjoy the very end of these videos the most but. this scene always fucks me up. dissociating to cope with the hell that her cult puts her through as a child

im not explaining myself here

kotoko eats my brain away i love her and her pack of wolves in her brain. i love you girl. im going to dissect you and your video before deep cover comes out. i promise you.