#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unreadpoppy · 6 months

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Raphael comforts you (Raphael x reader)

A/N: I had a pretty bad breakdown and the only thing that helped me back up was writing this, so yes, it is very personal (self-indulget feels like the wrong phrase to use). This means that our boy is veeeeeery OOC, but I don't care, I needed this for me. I decided to share because we all need some comfort at some point.

Raphael knew something was wrong the moment he walked in.

On other days, she’d rush to greet him, smiling. But now, you were facing the window and he was greeted with your back. You didn’t even bother to say a ‘welcome home’ or acknowledge him in any form’. If you were anyone else, he'd comment on this rudeness, but you were you.

Raphael silently approached you. When he was only a few feet apart, he spoke. “What happened?”

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your voice. “People.”

The devil immediately began to worry, and took another step forward. “Did someone harm you?” He asked. “If so, I will make sure they suffer a horrible death.”

You put your hand in your head. “No one did anything to physically harm, it’s just” you sighed. “I don’t think you’d understand.”

Raphael huffed. “I’ll be the judge of that, dear.” He allowed himself to put a hand on your shoulder. “I may not be fully human, but I have lived a thousand years. I am well versed in the ways of mortals.” He spoke softly. “Please, tell me what ails you.”

You covered his hand with yours. “I just feel like I give so much to others and receive very little in return. People walk over me and I cannot find the strength to stop them, because every time I’ve done so in the past, I got shouted at.” You paused. “Everyone else is allowed to be tired, to have their own personal problems, but I’m not. The moment I speak up, everyone throws rocks at me.”

He noticed the way your head dropped. “I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I’m so tired of being hurt by something as fickle as a word. I’m tired of being this emotional over everything.” You began to sob.

“People tell me not to care what others say but how do you do that?” You turned around to face him, tears streaming down your cheeks. “I cannot stop caring, I cannot stop feeling, and I hate that. I hate these feelings and I hate being like this.” You covered your face with both hands and cried.

Raphael moved forwards and enveloped you with his arms. You cried into his chest, holding onto his blue jacket. He caressed your hair and your back, not saying anything. He just let you cry in his chest, not bothering that the tears would stain his clothes.

In that moment, all that mattered to him was you.

Eventually you let go and looked up at him. “I wish I could be all the incredible things you tell me I am.”

He cupped one of your cheeks in his hand. “But you already are.” His gaze softened when he saw you looking down. “Look at me.” Raphael asked firmly and you complied. He placed his other hand on your other cheek. “I will indulge you with a secret of mine.” The devil whispered. “I am a selfish, egotistic, and insecure man.” He admitted. “I buried my feelings for so long, I’d forgotten I had them. My whole life was spent wishing I was more than I am. And where did that get me?” You shook your head. “Nowhere. I was betrayed by the one I favored, I lost all the power and reputation I had spent so long acquiring.”

You knew that, of course. Haarlep had once confided in you about Raphael’s downfall. How a group of tadpole adventurers had betrayed a signed contract. How he had lost to the very one who had endeared him, oh so long ago.

At first, you had been jealous to know about this Tav, and how much they had meant to Raphael at some point. But now, you understood that the devil you cared for was a different being back then. Sure, most of his arrogance remained, but you doubted that that Raphael would be admitting all of this.

“But,” he continued. “I do not regret the choices I made, for they have led me to you.” He took a deep breath. “You, who are the most magnificent creature I had the blessing to lay my eyes upon. You, who would look at a devil and show him kindness, even if he didn’t deserve it. You, who are creative and talented and so pure.”

Raphael took both of your hands and placed it in his chest. “I would not have you any differently. I do not care if you are emotional, if you care much, if you feel so deeply because it was by being this way that you have captured my heart, my mind, my body and my soul, if I have any.” You chuckled at that, remembering one time questioned him on the matters of his soul. “You know, it is quite hard to have a devil as important as myself wrapped around your fingers so easily.” Raphael smirked, leaning closer. “It is not everyone who would be capable of such a feat.”

You smiled at him. “Ah yes, there is that smile.” He commented. You playfully rolled you eyes and leaned forwards for a kiss.

It was short but sweet. “Thank you, for your words and your time.” You told him.

“Always, my dear. If you let me, I will smite anyone who dares hurt my love.” He kissed you again. Taking one step back, he offered you his arm. “Now, how about we discuss our plans of revenge over a good meal?”

You giggled and took his arm, allowing him to lead you away.

#raphael bg3 #raphael x reader #baldur's gate 3 #my writing

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hyprmemes · 2 years

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what we almost had starters edit as you see fit!

it’s not like i never tried to tell you

why did you never say anything?

why did you just let me go?

i used to think that would be us some day, you know

remember when we used to speak of ‘forever’ like it meant something to someone else?

i try so hard not to look back but... every time i see you, it’s like a whiplash straight into a myriad of what if’s

if i had any idea that feelings would resurface this easily, i wouldn’t have shown up

was there ever a time where you thought, you know, maybe there is a chance after all?

did we ever figure out why it didn’t work

this is the part where i say ‘i wanted us to last’ but without any ‘us’ to begin with, what should i say?

how do you speak to someone who doesn’t know just how long you’ve loved them?

you could have said something, you know, anything would have worked

i would have jumped at any opportunity to actually try

were we just cowards or did we see some danger another version of us ended up suffering through?

okay, but if you’d known, would you have said anything?

i loved you, i really did, i loved you enough to wish i’d never started

new home, new people, new life, i feel out of place by how out of place i feel near you

we were nothing to each other, nothing like that, so why do i feel like an awkward ex?

how do you look into the eyes of someone you’ve ever only confessed in silence to?

or maybe you were just leading me on or maybe i was or maybe it doesn’t matter anymore

people used to ask me all the time if we’d finally taken that step

sometimes it’s just like that, nothing happens and no one knows why

would you have loved me if given the chance?

no, you’re right, i thought i had all the time in the world and made you wait needlessly, endlessly

you could have stayed, you could have sat down, stayed longer, held my hand, instead of running away again and again and again

thinking back on all the glances and the nothings after feels like drifting through underdeveloped memories, where your mind knows what should have been but the image doesn’t intend to lie for its sake

i should have said something, maybe, or maybe i should have said less

would it have worked if we’d wanted it less or did we never want it enough

maybe it didn’t work out because we were placeholders, just set in place to long for fruitlessly to avoid pursuing something real

looking into your eyes and seeing how you’ve moved on, what am i even doing here?

even if i don’t want you know, i still can’t help but want that you’d wanted me back then

is it vile of me? to hope some part of you regrets never having held a part of me?

i did never get to learn how to love you loudly, that sticks around, you know

how many people have you kissed wondering if i might have tasted the same

i’ve never seen someone to substitute you but i’ve never not thought of you as a standard to choose by, either

it would have happened, if your efforts had been in earnest, direct, serious, i would have been yours and yours only

it’s because neither of us ever said anything, we’re barely speaking of it now

should we seriously stop beating around the bush now and address what we can’t change?

maybe we should just let the past be the past and stop wondering about a future together we never had

it feels so final, that’s the worst part, feeling as though i will never be allowed to love you again

even if i’d reached out, even if you’d reached back, would it have been worth it?

the misery of longing for a choice unmade with unknown consequences

for all we know, we could have been that missing puzzle piece for each other

for all we know, never having met in the middle led us to the happiest versions of ourselves

#sentence starters #sentence memes #sentence prompts #meme prompts #inbox memes #writing prompts #ask memes #ask prompts #rp starters #meme starters #dialogue prompts

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14buddy22 · 2 years

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I Choose You

Aaron Hotchner x Single Mom!Reader

WC: 5104

Part 4!

Series Masterlist // Masterlist!

Things had been going well. You and Aaron had been dating for almost a year. 10 Months to be exact. You were madly in love with him. At this point, he and Jack were essentially moved into your house. Whenever he had time off, him and Jack would always be over. It was comforting, really. To know that you and your kids were someone’s first choice. Your husband always had put you and your kids first, but then when he passed, it seemed like it was just you and your kids.

You had adjusted well to Aaron’s schedule. His biggest regret in the relationship was always being worried that he wasn’t good enough for you because he seemed like he was never there. But in reality, he was always there. As soon as he’d land from the jet, he’d immediately come straight to your house. It was normal. He’d explained before how his and Haley’s marriage got messy towards the end, how he thought she had been cheating on him, yet there wasn't any evidence but deep down he knew.

Your heart broke for Aaron. You could never imagine cheating on him. You weren’t that type of person, you always needed communication. That worked best for you, being open and honest. Aaron agreed as you had both set that tone in the very beginning of the relationship. Aaron had been very open and forward in this relationship, he was always suggesting to take things to the next level, he said I love you first, he went in for the kiss first, suggested telling your kids that you two were together. He was the perfect guy for you after losing your husband.

But, for the first time in the relationship, you were going to suggest something risky. Tonight, you were going to ask Aaron to move in with you and your kids. You had had long talks with your children about the possibility of them moving in and you thought about what Aaron had said to you in his office. How he wants to marry you. You had talks with your children about possibly marrying Aaron, but that was only one time when they were watching a disney movie about a princess getting married, and they brought it up.

Aaron had just walked through the door and you heard the pitter patter of little feet run to the front door as your kids and Jack ran to the door and hugged Aaron. It made your heart happy to see your kids love Aaron just as much as he loved them.

Aaron had Grace in his arms when he made his way into the kitchen. He had kissed you and put Grace down. She ran off the play with the boys and Aaron kissed you again.

“How was your day?”

“Relaxing, the kids and I hung out in the pool.”

You made your way into his arms and he held you tight. You thanked whoever was looking out for you that he made it back home safe to Jack, you, and your children. The main thing was that he was coming back home to Jack. Even in some universe where he and you didn’t exist, had never met, you wished and prayed that he’d come back home to Jack.

“You’re thinking. Talk to me, honey.”

You turned to look at him now. Grabbing his sides and you leaned up to kiss him. You held the kiss until you finally broke away.

“Aaron, you love my children as if they were your own. I couldn’t thank whoever is up there looking out for me enough, probably my husband. Because I think that he led us to each other, he and Haley put us together. While I love my husband dearly, in every universe Aaron, I hope it’s you. I hope it’s you I fall in love with. Every. Damn. Time. I never thought I’d be this happy. My kids are happy with you. They love Jack, they love you. I love Jack and I love you Aaron. I’ve never been so sure about what I’m going to say next. Move in with us, Aaron. You and Jack.”

Aaron grabbed your face and kissed you like he’s never kissed you before. You wish you would have said this to him as you two were getting ready for bed because this kiss was for sure going to lead to some amazing sex, but, right here, with him, everything felt right. Like the hell you went through after the minute you found out your husband died. Telling your sons that their Dad wasn’t ever coming home, planning a funeral, attending the funeral, giving birth to your beautiful little girl, going through milestones that your husband should have been there for. But everything you went through, there was a rainbow at the end of a shitty storm. And that rainbow was Aaron and Jack Hotchner.

“So, will you move in with us?”

“Jack and I would be happy to.”

The kids came running in and Jack said, “We’re moving in?”

Aaron said, “What do you think if Jack and I moved in?”

He picked up your daughter and the kids all cheered. You took a selfie. This moment was one you always wanted to remember forever. It was one that you finally made a move in the relationship… except for when you admitted you had feelings for him.

Once all the kids were in their rooms, you and Aaron sat on the couch. You had fallen asleep on Aaron and he held you tight. It was storming and Grace came out of her room when she heard thunder. You jolted awake when you heard it, knowing that Grace would most likely be up. You heard Aaron say, “Gracie, it’s ok.”

She was crying and she said, “Daddy. Daddy.” Your eyes opened wide and Aaron tensed up. You sat up and Aaron said, “I-”

“Daddy! I’m scared.”

“Come here. Come here Gracie. It’s okay.”

Aaron didn’t miss a beat jumping into the “dad role”, but this was the first time any of your children had called him Dad. You knew that. He knew that. He masked his shocked expression when Grace crawled into his lap. Comforting her when there was thunder. You looked at him and he whispered, “We can talk when she goes back to bed.” Grace held onto him and he kissed her forehead.

Grace had fallen asleep and he stood up. You stood up with him and you and him brought her into her room. He placed her back into the bed and tucked her in. He kissed her forehead and then you kissed her cheek. “Goodnight sweet girl. Mommy loves you.”

Aaron grabbed your hand and you walked into what would eventually become your shared bedroom. He started brushing his teeth and you were changing into PJs.

“I can’t believe she called me Dad. How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know Aaron. I’m not sure, you’re not her Dad.”

Aaron stopped and you watched his demeanor change. You didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Of course, Aaron stepped up and was very open to being a father to your children. You saw it when he’d take naps with Grace, when he’d take Tyler golfing as soon as Tyler asked, he’d cook with Joe when he had time, all while being a profiler and raising Jack. He chose your kids, he chose to keep coming back to you, yes he was a dad. Yes he was a father to your kids, but to have Grace say it out loud to him, it caught you off guard. And what you just had said to Aaron was uncalled for. Even thinking that you said it made you want to leave Aaron, you were a monster with the words you just said. He deals with enough at work, and to come home and hear that was not appropriate at all.

“Aaron, I-I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Well, then how did you mean it? Because, I know her Dad died before she was born, I get that. But I stepped up. I’ve been helping you raise her since she was a year old Y/N. I understand if you don’t want her to call me dad, but for you to imply that I’m not her father -”

“It scares me Aaron. That’s why I said it. I know you’ve been a father to her. She has every right to call you Dad, you’ve earned it. I just, I don’t want my other kids to freak when they hear her call you Dad. I don’t want them to feel like I’m replacing their father. They know who he is. They had a dad.”

“I understand that, I completely do, but Gracie’s two. She doesn’t understand what happened to her Dad.”

“No, and I’ll have that conversation when it comes up, but she’s too young right now.”

Aaron put on an old FBI t-shirt and you looked at him. You weren’t a profiler, but you were a teacher, you knew when students wanted to say more but weren’t sure how to approach it.

“What are you not telling me? And don’t lie to me Aaron.”

He let out a deep breath. Was he really keeping secrets? The man you chose to let into your home, asked him to move in with you, a man you hopefully one day planned on marrying and maybe, just maybe starting a family with him?

“I had picked Gracie up from daycare one day last week. There were a couple other parents getting their kids. Well, the teacher there was handing out a daddy/daughter flyer. Gracie’s teacher told me I should come and surprise Grace, how she always talked about me. Well, I tried to explain that it was probably you who would go but the teacher just kept saying “you’re a dad, you have to go’. So, I got in the car with Grace and she told me about this day. She never called me Dad, she had never asked to call me dad. She just asked what happened to Michael.”

“What did you tell her about her father?”

“I just told her that she should ask you. I did say that her daddy got hurt but he’s in a better place now.”

You got teary eyed thinking about your husband, Michael. It took you a while to say his name after he had passed. It pained you to attach yourself to someone who was no longer in the same life you were living in. He was just a memory, and he lived on through your kids, but that was it.

He walked closer to you and wiped your tears.

“I just wish you would have told me. She’s our daughter, Aaron. I need to know what’s going on in her life, too. She’s only two years old.”

“I know, but I’m not gonna leave. I’m not gonna walk out of your lives. I’m in it now and the only way I’m leaving is if I die or you push me away. Two things I pray don’t happen because you even said it yourself. In any other universe, you’d choose me and Damn it, I chose you. I choose you today, I choose you tomorrow, and I’m going to choose you for the rest of my life. And hell, I choose your children too. All of them, your three children mean the world to me. Jack, you, Joey, Tyler, and Gracie make my life complete.”

He brought you into his arms and he held you. You broke down crying. Thinking of your husband and how much he was missing out on. You loved Aaron. You loved this man just as much as you loved your husband. Aaron was a second shot at love and it had come so unexpectedly. But your kids loved him, Aaron stepped up to raising your 3 kids, one that if he were to propose, he’d take on that role for the rest of his life.

You loved Aaron, but it was times like this where you loved him even more. He validated your feelings, he showed he loved you. He calmed you down, talking you through things. Dating a Unit Chief for the FBI may have been a blessing in disguise. You were lucky he chose you; lucky he chose your kids. He was going to love you with everything he’s got. But so were you.

Waking up in each other’s arms just seemed right, even though you knew something was off. You had asked Aaron to move in with you and the kids and Grace had called him Dad just the night before. You were a little family in the making. But what was going to make today even harder was the fact that your husband had been dead 2 years now. Two years where you were parenting without him.

Aaron knew what it was like to lose a spouse. He lost Haley, yes they were divorced but the way he lost Haley was brutal. Even if you and your husband were to be divorced, you would never wish that he were murdered that cruel way.

Waking up, Aaron knew what today was. He had caught Joey and Tyler talking about it early. So he wanted to do something special. He had said he planned something but you weren’t sure what he was up to.

Aaron woke you up with a sweet, deep kiss. This man loved you and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Especially when the kids were asleep. “Good morning. I have something planned for you and the kids today. Jack is going to be spending the day with Jessica. I know it’s been two years without Michael and you all need to celebrate him.”

“Aaron. No, you don’t have to do anything.”

“I know I don’t have to. But I want to.”

You and Aaron got dressed for the day and walked out to see your kiddos all playing a game at the kitchen table. Except for Grace, she was watching a Disney movie.

Aaron made breakfast for everyone and we all ate. Nobody was talking about the elephant in the room. You and Aaron could both see Joey was upset, he knew what today was, but you didn’t want to bring it up. Not in front of all the kids.

“Daddy, I’m full.”

You, Aaron, and Joey all froze. You looked at Joey and watched your son look at Grace.

“Grace, he’s not our Dad.”

You saw Aaron tense at the words Joey had just said. You didn’t think today would be the day to address Grace calling him Dad. You and Aaron thought it would just blow over. Well, you did. You weren’t quite sure what Aaron thought.

“Joe.”

Your son stood up and said, “No, Mom! He’s not Dad. He won’t ever be our Dad.”

Aaron flinched at the words Joey had used. It was like Joey had stabbed him with a knife repeatedly. For the first time since he’s told you about Foyet, Aaron looked like he was going to cry.

You watched Joey storm into his room and the other kids just looked at you and Aaron. Aaron said, “Jack, can you please get your stuff packed for Aunt Jessica? She will be here in a couple minutes.”

Aaron picked up Grace from her high chair and brought her to the sink to wash her hands. Tyler went to help Jack pack and get his stuff. You walked over to Aaron and Grace and apologized.

“I’m sorry about Joey. I know you have this nice day planned for all of us, but maybe you should be with Jack. I don’t want Joey to say anything more that he’ll regret.”

“He’s right. I’m not his dad. I won’t ever be his Dad.”

“That’s not true, Aaron. You and I both know that. He’s just upset. I’m sorry he hurt you. I’m going to go talk to him. It was rough around this time last year, I’m sure it’s even harder now that you’re involved in their life. I thank God for you and Jack every day in my life.”

Grace clutched onto Aaron and said, “Daddy, don’t leave.”

You watched him and Gracie. “I’m going to go talk to Joey, why don’t you stay just until I finish talking to him. Please?”

Aaron nodded and you walked into your son’s room. “Joey, can I talk to you please?” You shut the door behind you and made your way to sit at the desk chair in his room. You son was sitting on his bean bag in the room, holding a stuffed police pup that his dad bought for him when he was just a baby.

“Talk to me honey. I need to know what you’re feeling so I can help you feel better.”

“I miss Dad.”

“I know, honey. I miss him, too.”

“No! You don’t! You moved on! You have Aaron. But I still love my Daddy. Grace doesn’t even know Dad and Tyler is just really close with Jack.”

Your heart was breaking at Joey talking this through. You didn’t know what to expect, you should have expected this. Hell, you did expect this, yet it was still uenxpected.

“Joey, I of course love Dad. I also love Aaron, too. You can still miss and love someone when they’re not here. But you can also miss and love someone who is here for you now. Aaron has done a lot for us. Has he ever upset you? Because if he has, I will talk to him. You know, I asked him to move in with us but if you still need some time -”

“No, I don’t need time, I just miss my Dad. I love Aaron and Jack. Aaron hasn’t done anything wrong. I shouldn’t have yelled at him, but when Grace called him Dad today, I just, I can’t see anyone else being our Dad because of Dad. Aaron’s a good dad to Jack but.”

Here were the water works, you were crying. You didn’t realize it until your son came by and wiped your tears.

“Don’t cry Mom. I’m sorry to make you upset. I know Aaron had something planned for us.”

“You’re not making me upset buddy, you never will. You can always talk to me. I know it’s been two years without Dad. I know that, Aaron knows that, you know that. But Jack’s lost his mom too. Aaron knows what it’s like to lose someone he loves. So he understands what we’re all going through. If you need a break, I just want you to ask to walk away and we can address it later, okay?”

Your son nodded and you pulled him in for a hug.

“You know, Grace is probably going to be calling Aaron ‘dad’ now. He’s been in our lives for a year, Joey. But if it’s a problem, Aaron and I will try to correct her as much as we can.”

“No mom, Grace doesn’t understand, she wasn’t even alive when Dad died. It’s okay, mom.”

“Alright, now that we’ve talked, I’m going to send Aaron home and maybe you, me, your brother, and sister can watch a movie?”

“Aaron had a special day planned for us, we shouldn’t make him go home. I’m going to apologize to him, can you come with me please?”

You nodded and stood up with him. You walked out with him and Joey said, “Aaron?”

Aaron sat up on the couch and opened his arms. “What’s going on?”

Joey hugged Aaron and held onto him. “I’m sorry for what I said, Aaron. I just miss my daddy.”

Aaron hugged him back and you looked at your boys. Aaron squeezed Joey tighter and you listened to what Joey said.

“Aaron, I won’t be sad anymore if Grace calls you Dad. Tyler and I are still going to call you Aaron. I just was upset because I miss my daddy but I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Grace doesn’t understand. So, can you please spend the day with me, mommy, Tyler and Grace?”

“Thank you for apologizing, Joe. I really appreciate that. You can call me Aaron for as long as you want. No matter what. Okay? And I know you miss your daddy. That’s why I’ve planned something for us so that we can help remember him. But if you don’t want me here-”

“No! Please stay Aaron.”

“Okay. Why don’t you go play with your brother and sister. I need to talk with Mom, okay?”

Joey hugged him again and Aaron kissed the side of his head. Joey ran off to play and you looked at Aaron. He had his elbows resting on his knees and he let out a deep breath. You decided to break the silence. Everything was going so well, until it wasn’t. It was your fault. Last night you had told Aaron he wasn’t their father. Then Joey lashing out on him even confirmed it more. You wish you could take back what you said. While Aaron may have masked it that everything was okay between you two, it wasn’t. You didn’t know if it ever would be.

“I know that wasn’t easy for you, Aaron. I’m sorry for him lashing out on you. I’m sorry for what this all has entailed.”

He stood up and said, “I want this Y/n, I want us. I want you and your kids. I want every single one of us to be bound together. We’re a family. Grace is calling me Dad. I don’t know if I have the heart to tell her that she can’t call me ‘dad’. I know I’m not her Dad, but she’s just so young. I need you to stop being so guilty because I can’t be with you if you’re not in it with me. I know you still love Michael. I know that. You don’t need to remind me. I know Joey misses him. I know Tyler misses him too. I’m all Grace has ever known as a father. She sees me do father things. But me even moving in, that’s going to confuse her even more.”

You didn’t realize it but you both were crying. You always cried in this house and you were tired of it.

“You know, I said yes to moving in with you because I’m all in. I’m in this for the long run. I’ve told you before that I want to marry you. I see myself with you and our 4 kids, maybe even another kid or two. I see all of that in the future. But, Y/n, I love you, I love your kids. I’m in. You need to understand that. I’m loving you with everything I got. You’re carrying around this guilt. Of course I felt guilty when I first met you, but I’ve realized this is what Haley would have wanted. Wanted Jack to be happy. You and your kids make my son and I happy. Don’t you think Michael would have wanted the same for you? Are you even happy with me?”

“Yes! Yes! I’m absolutely happy with you Aaron. It’s just hard, okay? You and Haley were divorced, Michael and I started up our morning like any other day. And that was all taken away from me. I’m not saying that you can’t feel guilty, that it’s not hard, because losing someone you care about is never easy. You know, but being in love with you scares me too. I’m afraid that you and I are going to be laying in bed with the kids and you get a phone call and it’ll be the last time I see you again. The last time Jack sees you. Then Jack’s parents would both be dead. So, yes I love you. But you know what, it’s hard. It’s scary. Yes, Michael would want me to be happy, he would love you but I don’t know Aaron. Everyone grieves differently and in your field, you should know that.”

“Two years. It’s been two years without him. It’s supposed to be hard, I know that. You don’t think I wake up and miss Haley knowing it’s my fault she’s dead? I understand what you’re goign through, but I’m talking about you and I now. Do you still want us to be together? Because, God I really hope you do. But I need to know, I need to know now before I tell my son it’s okay for him to start calling you mom the next time he asks again. I need to know before I fall more and more deeply in love with you.”

“I’m sorry for how we’ve been lately, two years and it still feels like just yesterday I had two young children, pregnant with Grace, and getting a knock on the door that Michael was dead. Planning a funeral while pregnant is not fun, delivering a baby, alone in a hospital room. Holding a little girl in your hands, alone without her dad there, is hard, Aaron. I don’t expect you to understand that, but I do expect you to know that it takes a while to grieve. Everyone grieves at different rates. I just want to ask you this. Will you still love me even though I’m grieving? I’m getting better. I asked you to move in with me, yes I hesitated when Grace called you Dad, but I want all my kids to eventually call you Dad. I think with Tyler it’s going to come sooner rather than later. Joey, I don’t know, I’m not sure when it’ll come, but it’ll come. I would love it if Jack called me mom. But only if you’re comfortable. And Aaron, yes, I’d marry you in a heartbeat. We’re stronger together. This is a rough patch we’ve hit, but we’ve been able to talk it through.”

While you were talking, you hadn’t realized Aaron had moved closer to you. Coming toe-to-toe with you, you hadn’t noticed how relaxed he’d been, how comforting he’d been for you. To you, he was your safe place, He was your home. Where he was, you always wanted to be. You always wanted to be with him for the rest of your lives no matter what. You just hoped and prayed he felt that way about you.

“I love you, Y/n. I know it has to be hard. I’m sorry I was stuck in my ways. I want you to be happy, if you’re not happy with me, I’ll leave because then you’ll be able to find someone that I hope makes you just as happy as you make me.”

You grabbed his face and kissed him. This man loves you. You loved him. You don’t know why you kept needing him to tell you it, but two years ago you could’ve never imagined you’d be here now. Raising three kids, in love with Aaron. You both pulled away when you heard the kids running out of your room.

“You had a good day planned for my children and I. Could you please stay with us?”

“Yeah, I’ll stay.”

He kissed you again and he whispered, “I don’t want to be mad at you, I don’t want you to be mad at me. Can we just, can we start to move on from it?”

“I’m sorry my children and I hurt you.”

He kissed you and wiped your tears. Grace tugged on Aaron’s pant leg and was reaching up. Grace said, “Daddy! Me too!”

He said, “There’s my little Gracie!”

He picked her up and swung her into his arms. She hugged him and you walked towards him. You kissed Grace’s cheek and you smiled. You put your arm around Aaron’s waist and he kissed the top of your head. “I got both of my girls in my arms.”

Joey yelled, “Group hug!!”

Aaron said, “Alright, let’s get our shoes on, we’re going to be heading out.”

After a day filled with doing things your husband loved to do, you were so thankful for Aaron. He was good with your kids, he explained that it’s okay to miss their Dad. It’s okay to miss the people you love, but you have to think of all the good times you’ve had with them. You tucked each of your kids in that night, after having them talk to their Dad. Aaron showed your kids that when they lit a candle they could talk to Dad. Aaron does it with Jack when they want to tell Haley something or if Jack’s having a bad day.

Your kids loved the idea and spent about 20 minutes talking. Aaron pulled you in close and you kissed him. “Thank you for being so good to my 3 kids and I.” You kissed him and layed your head on his shoulder.

Once the kids had fallen asleep, you and Aaron went back to your room. You laid in bed with him as he was reading a book.

“Thank you for today, You know, I really mean it. And, Aaron. I’m in love with you. I love you so much and I’ve been thinking about it. I’m sorry about how our conversations were last night and this morning but I was glad we could talk it through. Communication is a huge thing for me and I wasn’t being fair to you about what I was feeling, I guess it just came out all at once and I apologize.”

“I just want you to be open to me. And I’ll be open too, okay?”

You two kissed and that turned into something more. You both started to undress each other and he slowly got on top of you. Kissing you deeply, he quickly pulled away.

“You know, we haven’t had a date night in a while. Just you and I. We’re getting a head start now, though.”

You laughed and Aaron was working on leaving a mark on your neck. You pulled his head to meet you and said, “Plan a date night and I’ll meet you there Hotchner.” You both had chuckled and you pulled him back down on top of you for one sweet night together. You and Aaron fit together like two puzzle pieces.

It had been two years without your husband and you wouldn’t imagine in a million years you’d be here… Feeling so loved by Aaron, by Jack, by your kids. You couldn’t imagine your life without them. Your husband would’ve loved Aaron. And that… that made you happy.

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner #jack hotchner #aaron hotchner x single mom!reader #criminal minds

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satashiiwrites · 6 months

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Hmm... for the WIP ask game either your current NaNo project, Stay, or Afterthoughts (or all 3 of them if you want lol). Your choice! <3

Sure, we can do all three.

Choices and Regrets is a 911/Buddie version/fusion of the novel Dark Matter by Blake Crouch (which is one of my all time favorite books and Apple is making into a TV series). I’m doing this fic for November’s Rough Trade using the second chances part of the prompt as well as a NaNoWriMo because I have the feeling the ending word count is going to be north of 70k. I weirdly have a bunch of November off because I’m switching jobs so I HOPE to have most of the fic written/out by the end of the month. We’ll see how i’m doing. It’s the 8th and I’m at 14K written out of a goal of 50k.

The basic premise is do you like the choices you made in your life or do you have regrets? I’m setting this in 9-1-1 post lightning strike in season 6 and ignoring almost anything canon after that point (no Natalia or Marisol). We start the fic with Buck being invited to go out for celebratory drinks with Connor as he managed to get his wife pregnant without Buck’s donation. Buck is maudlin about how he hasn’t found someone to settle down with and have kids with. He’s pining over Eddie but doesn’t want to upset the apple cart. Eddie talks him into going to have a drink and to close that chapter of his life then come back for a late dinner at Casa Diaz.

Buck is then kidnapped by a stranger who doesn’t tell him want they want from him. When he wakes, he’s in a different, parallel universe where the him in that universe made much different choices. Nobody he considers found family knows him. Meanwhile, the parallel universe’s Buck is taking his place and makes a move on Eddie who has also been silently pining over Buck (they’re two halves of the same idiot).

What will Buck do to get back home and to his Eddie? Will Eddie be happy with the alternate Buck or does he figure out that something’s not right?

The novel this is based on is a thriller but I’d also say it has a romance side to it. What would you do to get back to the one you love?

I am planning on putting Buck and Eddie through the wringer. All the angst and then some smex.

To read what I’ve currently got yeeted, read chapter one and two here on rough trade

And for a little spoiler, this is a line i’m wanting to use in this fic that i came up with a few months ago and has been sitting abandoned in my tidbits folder:

“You told me once to not go chasing waterfalls and I didn’t know what you meant at all. And i did. I chased the damn waterfalls big time and I’m in trouble and I think I need your help. That you’re the only one who can help.”

Stay is another one of those tidbit folders. It’s got… not much in it. Just a bit that i thought of randomly. It doesn’t belong to any fic at the moment. Could become a full fledged one-shot character study, could end up co-opted into something bigger. This is all in the head/POV of Eddie Diaz from 9-1-1. First draft.

Stay. Please stay with me.

Eddie’s used to being left behind by people who are supposed to stick with him. The army? He’d managed to pull his entire team out of a burning helicopter, taken three bullets and they’d forced him out, telling him thanks for his service but he can’t stay with them.

Nowhere to go but home, right?

Texas wasn’t home anymore. Home shouldn’t itch under your skin like a three day old bruise. Adjusting to civilian life after being dumped by the army… he hadn’t handled it well. Eddie could say that not that he had distance and time to reflect on that period of time.

No wonder Shannon hadn’t stayed—he’d been a mess.

Still was, actually. He’s just better at hiding it.

Afterthoughts is a series of codas I’ve been doing while re-watching 9-1-1 during hiatus. I’ve been doing a bad job of keeping up with it and most of this is angsty as hell.

Testifying in court is actually pretty rare for firefighters and if anything, Bobby usually is the one who gets put on the witness stand as captain.

Not this time though.

This time, Buck was the one who got the gun pointed at him and he’s being called to testify because even Chim didn’t hear quite everything Lola said to him.

He told the DA that he wasn’t going to be very helpful. The news camera footage should be enough to plead her out but evidently Lola’s traffic disturbance had upset some important people and they didn’t want it to become a regular occurrence so they wanted jail time.

Jail time for rescuing your marriage? The romantic in Buck actually thought it was kinda sweet—even if he hadn’t enjoyed having a gun pointed at his chest.

So Buck was being called.

As a hostile witness.

Why were they actually going to trial about this again?

Lola had been charged with a PC 647c, aka Obstructing Movement to a Public Place—also known as the freeway. It was a misdemeanor but carried up to 180 days. The DA wanted those 180 days. Was practically salivating over them for some reason. So they were calling Buck and Athena to testify.

If anyone wants to read the posted codas, I’ve broken them into fics by season. Read the completed season one here on AO3 or the partially posted season 2 here.

#wip ask meme #buddie #wips #first drafts #afterthoughts #choices and regrets #snippets #QB!

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rphelperblog · 2 years

Text

City of Glass Book Quote Rp Meme

the third book in the Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare - my favorite one- feel free to edit or change pronouns for rp purposes.- part one

“There is no pretending, I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there is life after that, I'll love you then.”

“You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?"

“Since the first time i saw you, I've belonged to you completely.”

“We may not be all that bright,but at least we are alive.”

“I can’t untie myself from you, not my heart or my blood or my mind or any other part of me. And I don’t want to.”

You can’t be complete jerks to each other forever you know.”

“Knowing is better than not knowing. Every time.”

“In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.”

“You can only push the truth down for so long, and then it bubbles back up.”

"I guess blessings are easier to come by than I thought. Maybe I should ask for blessings on my mission against all those who wear white after labor day.”

“Some Laws were meant to be broken.”

“So I lied to you last night. I said that I just wanted one night with you. But I want every night with you.”

“You could say anything you wanted to someone you thought you were never going to see again.”

“Because you told me you don't have feelings for me anymore, and you see, that's very akward, because I still have them for you. And I bet you know it.”

“If you hurt her, she’s quite capable of killing you herself. Possibly with a variety of weapons.”

“No one could be that annoying without some kind of supernatural assistance.”

“If I’d just listened—just taken one second to listen—it wouldn’t have happened”

“I’ve been wandering around all night—I couldn’t sleep—and I kept finding myself walking here. To you.”

“There are some kinds of wounds you can get, internal injuries. You don't know what's wrong with you, but you're bleeding to death slowly inside.”

“I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t give up loving you. Not for anything. As long as I remember what it was like to love you, I will always feel like I am alive.”

“It was hidden inside another book. One your father was unlikely to ever open.Simple Recipes for Housewives. No one can say your mother didn't have a sense of humor.”

“I only count the hours that shine.”

“People aren't born good or bad. Maybe they're born with tendencies either way, but its the way you live your life that matters.”

“I have a fetish for damsels in distress.”

“You never really hate anyone as much as someone you cared about once.”

And, I would do it again. I would always ask for you.”

“Crying wouldn't help anything now.”

“Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress. It’s an equal opportunity fetish.”

"Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you."

“Ah, the 'I told you so.Always a classy move.”

“There were some feelings you never forgot.”

“Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you agree?”

You don't understand what it's like to live always at war, to grow up with battle and sacrifice. I guess it's not your fault. It's just how you were brought up-”

“You couldnt erase everything that caused you pain with recollection.Every memory was valuable; even the bad ones”

“Doing the right thing because you love someone sucks sometimes.”

“I love you. I don’t care. I love you and I will always love you, and pretending it could be any other way is just a waste of time.”

“So you decided to help us by killing the guy we were talking to?"

“You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?”

You should leave him here. I could hang hats on him and things.”

“Did you ever think that in a past life he was an old woman with ninety cats who was always yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off her lawn? Because I do,”

“Weakness and corruption isn’t in the world, it’s in people. And it always will be. The world just needs good people to balance it out.”

“My Romanian is pretty much limited to useful phrases like, ‘Are these snakes poisonous?’ and ‘But you look much too young to be a police officer.’”

“It's because you're too scared to tell anyone who you really love. Love makes us liars.”

“If I have to tie you up and sit on you until this insane whim of yours passes, you are not going."

“I've always been told my presence brightened up any room. One might think that went doubly for dank underground cell."

"He seems to like you. I saw him going for your hand out there like a squirrel diving for a peanut.”

“The way he looked at you. I got it then. He loved you, and it was killing him. He won't get over you,he can't.”

"No. We've been punching her in the face repeatedly. What? You don't think that will work?”

“I know it's wrong - God, it's all kinds of wrong - but I just want to lie down with you and wake up with you, just once, just once ever in my life.”

“It’s my cologne. Eau de Recent Injury.”

"I think he’s handling it with grace. A lot of teenage boys would sulk, or lurk around under your window with a boom box."

“Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."

But as long as I remember what it was like to love you, I’ll always feel like I’m alive.”

"I don't return library books. I steal illegal music off the internet. I lie to my mom. I am completely ordinary."

You should leave him here. I could hang hats on him and things.”

“So that’s why you never told me your middle name. I figured it was something embarrassing.”

“The Law is hard, but it is the Law.”

Because what was the point in crying when there was no one there to comfort you? And what was worse, when you couldn't even comfort yourself?"

"Do we all have to do that, too?”

“Waiting for a special occasion to kill me? Christmas is coming.”

“You could have had anything else in the world, and you asked for me."

“And I'm suppose to sit by while you date boys and fall in love with someone else, get married...? And meanwhile, I'll die a little bit more every day, watching.

"here with the vampire, I see. When things have settled a bit, we really must discuss you choice in pets.."

“if it’s the lack of forbidden you’re worried about, you could still forbid me to do things.”

“Is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt her, you’ll kill me?”

“You know: short, redheaded, bad temper.”

“I have the benefit of experience which tells me that sulking solves nothing”

“Look, you can date whoever you want and I will totally support you. I am all about support. Support is my middle name.”

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know.”

"If it's the lack of forbidden you're worried about. You could still forbid me to do things."

“Well, in your defense, I do move with a silent, pantherlike grace.”

“is that why you didn’t call me? because I am an idiot.”

“So here’s where they put you. I didn’t think they even used these cells anymore.”

“I always thought that 'Good things happen to those who do the wave' No wonder I've been so confused”

“and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before”

"Exactly. Despite my staggering good lucks, you actually don't like me that way."

“The poor parent birds work themselves to death trying to find enough food to feed the enormous cuckoo child who has murdered their babies and taken their places."

“You’ll look like Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu.”

“Just like an alley in New York -like every alley in the world, apparently- it smelled like cat pee.”

“what did wards matter when you could create your own reality just by drawing it?”

“Hail and Farewell, my brother.”

“Hurting people he loved was almost as good as hurting himself when he was in this kind of mood.”

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psalacanthea · 2 years

Text

Naomi Hawke- Banter

I haven’t done one of these in a long time. This is only partially done, I want to do 2 for each companion at least (if someone asks for more there will be more >.>). But this was fun and I love it and you couldn’t stop me from doing more.

I wanted to tag ppl to do some but I thought maybe people wouldn’t be interested; if you think I’m wrong, let me know and next post I will tag you! (maybe with an OC x Character so it’s not so broad)

...

Dorian and Hawke

Dorian: Champion, if I may?

Hawke: What do you need, Mustache?

Dorian: Oh no. You do it too?

Hawke: No, I forgot your name. What do you need?

Dorian: It was- never mind. I’ve been reading Varric’s book about you…

Hawke: Let me guess. Something is implausible.

Dorian: Well, yes, but I was more wondering about the rather jarringly placed sex scene in the middle. He says you gave permission.

Hawke: Permission? Oh, no. We insisted.

Dorian: Really.

Hawke: Isabela made me draw diagrams for him, it was really detailed. If you’re curious, I can try a reproduction tonight when we make camp.

Dorian: I suddenly regret asking.

...

Dorian: So you’re an artist?

Hawke: With a blade. In bed. Also…on paper, yes.

Dorian: Hmmh. What’s your medium of choice?

Hawke: Generally whatever’s close to hand. I mostly draw plants.

Dorian: Ah, so no dashing formal portraiture, then?

Hawke: No. I do draw all of Varric’s author portraits, though. No matter how many times he asks me to stop.

...

Hawke and Cole

Cole: Soft pink flowers on the pillow. Her cheeks are red. So hot. She’s still not breathing. Mother, where are you?

Hawke: Is this normal?

Varric: You get used to it. Sorry. Kid, maybe that’s not a great idea.

Cole: Crying and wheezing. Little flowers in the hot, hot water, little red cheeks. She’s so heavy, but no one is coming. No one ever comes. If she dies, is it your fault?

Hawke: I don’t like this.

Varric: He means well. I think.

Cole: Why can’t she breathe?

Hawke: It’s called croup. She didn’t die. Even though once I almost dropped her in the pot and made Bethany soup.

...

Cole: You kill people before they know they’re dead!

Hawke: They figure it out eventually.

Cole: I didn’t know leaves could do that!

...

Hawke and Blackwall

Hawke: So. Blackthorn.

Blackwall: Yes, my Lady?

Hawke: (Sighs.)

Blackwall: …did I say something wrong?

Varric: Don’t worry about it. She wanted you to correct her.

Blackwall: Why?

Hawke: The joke is ruined now, and it doesn’t matter!

Varric: She was going to say she wanted to climb you like a tree.

Hawke: Thanks, Varric, you always make it slightly worse.

Varric: Happy to help.

...

Blackwall: What was in that bottle you pulled out last night?

Hawke: Amell Reserve Darktown Absinthe.

Blackwall: I haven’t been drunk like that since I was first in my cups.

Hawke: Thanks! I make it myself.

Blackwall: Don’t you brew poisons?

Hawke: There’s more overlap than you’d think.

...

Hawke and Varric

Varric: So.

Hawke: Oh Maker, that voice. Just come out with it.

Varric: Sebastian tried to invade Kirkwall.

Hawke: (Laughs.) Of course he did. Maybe after this I’ll pay a visit to Starkhaven. Get a job in the kitchen.

Varric: You could try diplomacy before poisoning your ex-boyfriend.

Hawke: What happened to you?

...

Varric: You okay?

Hawke: If I said yes, would you believe me?

Varric: Mmh, no. I only ask to gauge how not okay you are.

Hawke: We made the right choice, didn’t we?

Varric: We made a choice.

Hawke: (Sighs.) Right.

Varric: We’re still here. That’s gotta count for something. Plus, I’ve got some candied chestnuts somewhere in the bottom of my pack. Probably sticky, but it’s better than nothing.

Hawke: I’d kiss you, but that stubble would chafe me.

Varric: I haven’t heard any complaints.

Hawke: Maker, you make the jokes so easy.

Varric: That’s what I do, Hawke. I set ‘em up, and you knock ‘em down.

Hawke: Such a good wingman.

...

Hawke and Cassandra

Cassandra: Champion.

Hawke: You could call me Hawke. Usually girls who look at me like that go for a more personal touch.

Cassandra: I…what?

Hawke: What is it?

Cassandra: I was simply wondering if you would allow some questions. In regards to Varric’s book.

Hawke: Sure. Everything’s exaggerated except for how good I am in bed, and how much of an infected gash-wound Petrice was.

Varric: (Laughs.) She was the worst!

#Dragon Age Banter #Naomi Hawke #Dragon Age Inquisition Banter

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khaleesiofalicante · 2 years

Note

Some time ago someone sent an ask talking about how much they admire Magnus’ strength in tlnd for being able to finally remove himself from toxic environments and knowing his limits.

I’ve been think about that since i read tlnd for the first (of many) time.

It must’ve hurt so bad and I can’t help but envy Magnus for being able to do that…

Just over a year ago I met someone who came to mean SO much to me in such short time. We got too close too quickly and I truly care about her from the bottom of my heart. She isn’t a saint or an angel or some incredibly good person but I loved her so much. The thing is that we aren’t good for each other. We both knew our relationship would end up hurting us both but we still continued. Keep in mind we never dated… we weren’t even “talking” we were just friends but it always felt like there was something more between us (at least to me).

We had an argument. It was a simple disagreement but she took it too far because she thought that’s what I was doing as well. I told her we’re done. She was sad. I felt confused… i wasn’t sad but I wasn’t particularly happy. After about one week of no contact I sent her a note asking if she’d tell me what’s on the test (she had it on that day and I had it the day after). She said she would in exchange of being friends again and that was that. When she told me the stuff she was nice about it but I couldn’t help but be bitter. She had told everyone and was openly bitter while I had to keep it all to myself. That made her mad. Tonight we’re going to talk and I think I need to fully breakup with her for good.

We arent good for each other. She is hurting me in more than one way and I can’t let her get in the way of my academic success. I’m tired. She got so many unnecessary people involved and never listens. I know I’d be doing the right thing but I’m so fucking scared. We have a lot of mutual friends (that she has been bad mouthing me to) and I don’t wanna lose all of them. As hard as that is to admit, I don’t wanna be alone at school. It’s scary. I can’t believe I ever loved her. She totally led me on.

Wanting to explain our entire relationship will be way too long (and painful) but I don’t know if I should do it. Just because I know it’s the right thing for me doesn’t make it any easier to do. I don’t want to go back to being friends and pretending like nothing happened. I was open to doing that because I thought she was getting close to crossing a line but I think she has already crossed it.

Oh my love. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Getting your heart and trust broken by someone you loved dearly is literally the worst thing ever. I'm sending you a lot of love.

I'm so happy (and so fucking proud) to see you so self-aware. This kind of self-awareness often comes from trauma and pain. But if you are learning how to be and do better from books (from Magnus!) and from the world around you, that's amazing. Good for you.

It's never easy to walk away from something. Whether it's good or bad. Walking away requires strength. Walking away from something you want to hold onto requires even more strength.

I won't lie to you and say it's gonna feel better. You know it won't. It's bullshit. But we do it not because it will make us feel better but because we don't have to regret it in the future.

I know you are scared of losing your friends and your social circle. I hope they will go easy and will be empathetic. You absolutely don't have to say the 'whole story' or 'explain yourself' to retain your friends. If these friends choose someone who likes to badmouth, then that's their choice.

PS - telling someone 'i will help you if you will give me what i want' is a big red flag. bad mouthing and shit talking someone the moment they set up boundaries and call out your bullshit is even a bigger red flag. I'm glad you can see through it.

i hope the talk goes well. i'm here if you want to rant or scream or cry x

#support

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silva-exspiravit · 1 year

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I’m half a bottle down and I keep reading your post about me over and over again… so many things running through my head and I just wanna cry.. reading that post hits me hard and I have flashbacks of my past with you. I think about you everyday but that’s nothing new but maybe it’s just because I’m drunk but it’s hitting me harder and harder the more I read that post… I’ve already lost you forever and that’s a pain and regret I’ll never be able to handle but idk it hurts more this time… the only person I’ve wanted I fucked up almost 7 years ago and ruined what I could of had forever. Me feeling worthless, lonely and empty is real. Like maybe I do deserve to feel this way. I know you never looked at me as a soulmate, to you your soulmate is Beau which fucks me up even more. How I feel about you I’ll never feel for anyone else. The love and affection I give to other women never last because it’s not you. It’ll last a couple weeks maybe a month but I cut it off because it’s not you. I want you and I know I can’t have you and I try to give the love I wanna give you to other people but all it does is make me realize it’s not you. I hate myself so fucking much for what I did and the choice I made to leave you over a lie. I hate myself so much I’ve tried to end it and it didn’t work so I drink but over the years my drinking has gotten worse and I tried fighting it and doing what’s right but after I lost my dad I gave up. Yeah I stayed sober for work and stuff but I drink on the weekends and I drink more and more every weekend. I just don’t wanna be here anymore after what I did. I know people say “a woman is never worth it” or “everything happens for a reason so don’t beat yourself up over what happen” but honestly you’re more than just a woman to me and I know I didn’t realize any of this until it was to late but you’re not just a woman to me, you’re my soulmate, you’re my everything and all I want is you back. I imagine how different my life would be if I didn’t believe that lie and we stayed together. I imagine having the family we always talked about and have the son and daughter we always wanted. I still have pictures of when you wrote names on my back. Typing this out I’m fucking crying because all I’m ant is a life with you, to settle down with you and I know that can never happen and I have to figure out how to live my life without you. Have you ever get the pain of regret and losing someone for almost 7 years and counting? No you haven’t, I know you felt pain from the person you love causing it but this pain is different, this pain is pain I caused myself after a decision I made that I’ll regret the rest of my life. I gave up on praying to do to get you back, I gave up on god himself because you still continue to stay with Michael and I know I’m better than him. I may sound conceded but I know I’d treat you better than him. And I know this because I’ve wanted you for over 10 years and I had you at first but I was young and dumb and chose drugs and believed peoples lies over you and tat by itself makes me feel like the worlds biggest piece of shit.. I want nothing but to give you a happy life and the love and affection you deserve. The night I found out about you being pregnant was the end for me. That night I lost all faith and hope and gave up on praying. I remember sitting there having dinner with your parents and grandma and it accidentally slipped out of your moms mouth and caught my attention and your dad looked at me and was like “we didn’t wanna tell you this way but Sils pregnant” my heart dropped and I cried so hard and had to walk away. That was the first and only time you dad has ever comforted me. I’ve never felt a pain like that and from that day on I’ve wanted to die so fuckin bad. I pray that my dad or god just take me. I pray to good and ask him why am I still here, I’m dead inside but still moving. I ruined my life, I got into drugs and I left the love of my life because of a lie and you got with my top 3 worst enemys, the person I hate so goddamn much and now you guys have a kid together.

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morningsandtea · 1 year

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Life has been eventful lately.

When I say eventful, I mean I’ve made so much memories that if I died today I wouldn’t mind it.

To start off, I joined Ms UN last year around november. I confessed to yuan before that happened and it didn’t end well. We began to ignore each for almost 3 months. During that month I met someone handsome, rich, and smart. He was also charming and he liked me first. It was all so new to me and unbelievable. He was a literal heartthrob. Although, since I was confused and again, I couldn’t believe it because he didn’t tell me directly, I made friends with him and introduced him to a friend of mine.

I regretted doing it and told his bestfriend about it but then it got leaked and now the friend I introduced him to hates me. I lost a friend and it devastated me but I feel like I have way more problems in life than to be saddened about something like this. I moved on but it backfired. Since I’ve always liked yuan deeply, after losing my attention to the other guy, my heart went back to racing fast for yuan. I have no idea how to end it but I suppose I don’t really have a choice since I’m a student in our current school because of him.

Aside from my teenage problems, I also have family problems that I don’t think I’d call mine. My Mom recently went to manila around the end of December to the first week of January. I spent my new year in blues. I went to church with my cousin and she was with her cousins from her mom’s side (I’m from her father’s side) and I couldn’t help but feel lonely. They were very close to each other and I understood it. Yet somehow, I couldn’t help but feel alone by their side and cried silently. I was hoping nobody would notice but my other cousin, whom I treated as my brother, saw my change of energy and asked if I was alright. I had to force myself a soft smile and say the opposite of what I was actually feeling to not spoil the new year’s mood. I wished I had a stable life, a complete family to celebrate the occasion with. Later on, I told them I wanted to eat ice cream and so we did. I’m glad I cheered up in the end because I don’t want to greet new year with a frown. I slept well that night and proceeded to live my life as though I hadn’t been told about a major secret about my family by my mom.

My 2 weeks of stay in my mom’s friends’ place was heavenly. I slept on a comfortable bed and it was always friggin cold but I loved how cozy everything was. I could eat whenever I wanted, they always had desserts, their water dispenser had automatic cold and hot water. I only needed to wash the dishes, I could sleep any time I want, shower in a clean bathroom. They had so much mirrors I’ve gotten sick of my face, and their food always tastes good. I could also wake up whenever I wanted and do whatever I want. I had work that time and could buy whatever I wanted. I had a taste of freedom and it was the best.

School resumed two days after new year and I was satisfied. Even though It was still stressful as ever, I had fun. Everyday, I did my best. Our schedule was shortened because of an upcoming event which was our school’s foundation week. I became a head of an event that I was supposed to be joining but declined. I regretted it again because I would’ve had a chance to participate with yuan. Everyday was busy and I rarely had enough time for myself. Yuan and I became close again and the teachers knew I had feelings for him. It wasn’t really a big deal for me because he already knew. I experienced jailbooth for the first time, I made new friends, and I won 4th place in a dramatic dialogue competition with our team’s assistant head.

I had a privilege to witness the candidates practices because the event’s moderator knew me and trained me before. I trained our candidates in terms of q&a and made friends with them too. Oddly, I missed joining pageantry and practicing with the other candidates. On the day of the event, everything went smoothly and we all had fun. Our candidates won plenty of awards and one of them won 2nd place. Yuan won 3rd place, the other guy whom was a heartthrob won 1st place, and my partner back in UN won as Mr.Pasdi. Our team won as the overall champion for the foundation week. I wasn’t able to eat any meal for the whole day and we ate at a takoyaki place at 9 pm because we were starving and exhausted. I went home and slept peacefully after that day.

I gave the playlist I made for yuan to him. He liked the playlist and I feel relieved because of it. Even though he likes someone else, or even if a lot of people know him now, I will continue on cheering him on from the sides and be a friend to him.

As for xy? Well I’m doing well. I feel my kidney hurting more in each passing day and I’m guessing I won’t last long in this world. Oh and we also have a transferee and he’s my friend too. My Mom bought a Netflix account so I suppose I will be watching something now. I made a new playlist and I love it very much. It’s so chill and nice. I might even fall asleep listening to it. Yuan said he also fell asleep while listening to the playlist I made for him. Gosh It’s already 2023 and I still like that guy. I should really stop soon but I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

I’m pretty sure I forgot another detail about my life but I’ll write it when I remember and When I’m not feeling lazy. for now, this is all that’s happened in my life. I’ll go listen to the songs now and sleep or watch maybe. Depends. Ah how do I end this?

To more best days!

-xy

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ocean-anchored · 1 year

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Dear future self.... December 11, 2022

I’m really sad. I’m trying to fight it and I’ve been trying to occupy my mind since in hopes that maybe I can just not have to grieve. I fight with myself that I should even be this sad because I was the one that broke it off but I know I’m allowed to hurt too. I dont know whether it’s because I feel guilty and like I made a mistake ending things, or because I know how much he cares about me and really I care so much for him too. Or if it’s that he’s got such a genuine heart that I’m terrified I might never find someone again, or if I’m just lonely and miss being desired. Or that haunting feeling that I have to restart all over again and the thought of starting over feels too heavy. I dont know and maybe it’s a bit of everything. I still struggle and my mind fights itself that i have to remind myself of the conversations and the reasons why I ended it because otherwise my heart hurts so much that I feel like I made the biggest mistake. I know the negatives were just too big to let pass. I shouldn’t be begging for someone to want to get to know me and I struggle with believing that someone could be that rusty in relationships that they’ve just “forgotten” how to ask questions to get to know someone. I know that takes time, I get that but do I have unreal expectations that you should be asking questions and seeking someone out in those first few months? He was just such a gentleman. Took care of me and maybe more physically than mentally and that’s why I know it couldn’t have lasted but it’s sad that as much as he’s been so much more than Travis that those things feel like they should be basic traits in someone and I shouldn’t be settling for less. Just the fact that last night, Craig’s girlfriend said after a year of dating, he still goes and opens the door for her everywhere, is it really so hard for men to be gentlemen? I get it’s not going to be for life but how is that not a norm? Why is that something that we look for in someone as a desirable trait over basic standards. He was good at that, all of those things. He wasn’t the best at showing he cared but he knew how to talk and I wish his actions had followed just as much. Here I am ending another year alone. By choice. But doesn’t hurt any less. I know I need to and want to refocus myself again back on me. I’m worried I am slowly burning out with work and I know it’s harder to recover and rest after a full burnout but I suppose now I don’t have any plans moving forward so I can focus back on my relationship with God and maybe some self care and getting back to writing and shadow work. Asking the hard questions and challenging myself since I guess no one else is.

My heart aches for my mom. The disrespect from meliss is exhausting her and she’s getting older. It’s so scary to things that if anything were to happen to her tomorrow, I’d be the only one in this family that would have some sort of peace in our relationship whereas Meliss & Steven would live with constant regret that they never appreciated, made amends or really tried to show mom how much she means. Last night Noah made a comment about reaching out to him, that steven’s always had that soft spot that he believed I could reach out and maybe get to it but after talking to mom tonight. If he can’t even put his own pride away for her when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong and got shunned for simply just being in the same house as meliss then how would I ever reach that soft spot? Why would anything I say change him? I dont know but I really do pray about it a lot. I just miss my family dynamic. As much as we had our problems and disputes between each other, I miss that we celebrated christmas and holiday’s together. We went from finally being all together, even including Travis, down to 3 of us spending christmas together this year. And yes, as much as I don’t even feel like celebrating or acknowledging Christmas because it’s going to be a massive thorn of remembering how sad our family now is, I’m simply doing this for my mom and that’s it. She hurts so much and it pains me to see that and if that means I have to fake the happiness and being okay that day to be together so she can feel some sort of closeness with the remaining ones around her then I will. It’s just honestly so sad. It honestly breaks my heart. Absolutely breaks it.

I feel so broken and lost. And I know I’ve come so far from even this time last year as I think it was around this time just before I started looking to get back out there in dating but I know I’ve grown so much in the last even two years. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel lost today. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how I can be happy with so many broken pieces in my life. I know I just need to focus on being thankful. That’s really what’s just gotten me this far in life in general is remembering what I do have and how far I’ve come and being thankful in that. And I’m really thankful that I’ve finally made at least one girl friend that I feel like could be finally a long term friendship and we have so much fun and feel so comfortable around each other but outside of that, I just want to curl up into a ball and just forget about everything. I’m tired of life being so hard, especially so hard for my family and ones around me. I’m just tired of so much negativity. I just don’t want to talk or see anyone but the loneliness is so great that I feel so much more sad. I feel like I can’t win. I wish we could all just get a break from the continual shit. I wish I could just connect with community in church and feel like I have support. I just feel so alone and I know I do it to myself by sucking at not being able to balance everything and I know I work too much, but man loneliness has way too much of a presence this year in everything and I just wish it was over.

#dear future self #personal #growing pains

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survey--s · 2 years

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327.

Does your head hurt when you cry? Not while I’m crying, but I pretty much always get a headache afterwards.

Who was the last person to comfort you? I can’t remember the last time I needed to be comforted, in all honesty.

Are you currently wearing any socks? Nope, it’s way too warm for socks.

What's the closest thing to your right hand? My laptop.

When was the last time you made a wish? I could’t tell you.

Have you ever watched a foreign film with English subtitles? Yeah, quite a few times.

When was the last time you wore athletic shorts? I mean, I wore shorts at work but they’re not really athletic ones, just a cheap pair I got from Tu.

Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place? Hmm, it’s a nice idea but I don’t think life always ends up that way.

What's the closest transparent object to you? Uh, my phone case, though it really needs a clean.

What was the last thing you swallowed? Pepsi.

Do you like mayonnaise? Did I even spell that right? Yes and yes.

Anyways... When was the last time you went out in the rain? It rained for about thirty seconds yesterday while I was walking Archie and Tyke.

Have you ever seen a Tim Burton movie, like Coraline, 9, etc.? I’ve seen pretty much all his films, I think.

Do you keep 3D glasses after you've left the movie theatre? 3D films never really kicked off, did they? lol. I saw one, I think, and it was rubbish. When was the last time you heard a British accent in person? I mean, I live in Britain, so...everyday?

Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you? A client.

Do you know what FTW stands for? For the win.

When was the last time you went bowling? Uh, whenever we went to Blackpool. I think it was around six years ago now.

Do you like cats? I love cats. We own three of them.

Do you use aerosol hairspray? No.

What was the last food you choked on? Uhh, I can’t remember - probably some toast or something.

Who was the last person you disappointed? I have no idea.

Do you really miss someone right now? No.

Do you think anyone can really reach "Nirvana" at some point? I mean, I’m sure everyone has moments of pure bliss.

What's the capital of the state you reside in? We don’t have states here.

What is the last advice you gave someone? "Put your dog on a lead before it gets bitten”.

Do you ever dip your fingers in wet candle wax? Yeah, I love the feeling of the candle wax solidifying on my fingers, lol.

When was the last time you sweat really bad? Today when I was riding. It was HOT in that arena and I was cantering on Joe for the first time - we both ended up dripping in sweat lol.

Do you write it, alot or a lot? A lot. Does it annoy you when people are always smiling and happy all the time? No. Why should it?

What was the last rule you broke? Speeding.

Have you ever hazed someone or been hazed? Nah, I think it’s such a shitty thing to do.

What is your opinion on abortion? Pro-choice. I really can’t understand any other viewpoint.

Miley Cyrus rings your door bell, and asks for some shelter. You say..? I mean, I probably wouldn’t even recognise her.

What would you say if someone called you at 3 am to have a casual convo? My phone’s on silent at night so I’d be totally oblivious.

Have you ever made a SERIOUS typo, and couldnt go back and change it? No, I don’t think so.

Have you ever yelled at an authority figure? Not so far as I can remember.

When was the last time you had to pee really badly? Uhh, the other morning.

What was the last thing you regretted eating? I have no idea, but I’ve had no real appetite this week thanks to antibiotics - everything either makes me feel sick or tastes gross, haha.

How often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? Never, they don’t have them here. I get them a lot when we visit Australia though as it’s such a novelty, haha.

Do you like screamo music? No.

Do you know anyone with some serious talent? Sure, quite a few people.

When was the last time you made fun of someone? Uhh, earlier today but we were just messing about.

What was the last thing you yelled? Something to Emma as she couldn’t hear me while I was riding.

Will you save all your answers? Isn’t that the entire point?

#survey #surveys

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who-do-we-become · 2 years

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1, 7, 10, 28, 30, 39, 48, 60, 67, 78, 83, 88, 91.

1. how are you feeling right now?

Right at this second I’m good! I got home from work and just showered, it was good day. I got tip money, and it was honestly more than I had expected so I’m happy about that.

7. what’s something you love about yourself?

I would have to say, say my sense in humor along with my taste in music. Mainly because my sense in humor ranges, and my taste is music is really just a little of everything. I enjoy all genres :)

10. do you have any regrets?

I do. Probably more than most, but I’m learning to accept my choices. What I have done, and what I wish I could’ve or could’ve changed, made me who I am today. I mean I don’t necessarily think I’m perfect by any means but I’m learning how to be confident in my choices.

28. what’s your favourite drink?

Depends on from where Lmao. But probably a High Dive Green Tea from Dutch Bros. Or an Iced Mocha from Dunkin.

30. what song is currently stuck in your head?

Right Here by The Story So Far :)

39. what’s your favourite colour and why?

Like Navy Blue or Dark Blue. I think it goes well with most things. Although I don’t wear it often I do enjoy it.

48. what is your favourite album?

Homesick by A Day To Remember. It was the first album I ever listened to that for me into other genres of music. Prior to listening to it, I only listened to the stuff they play on the radio or whatever was popular to try and “fit in”.

60. what would your perfect day be like?

It would be simple. Waking up with no worries, and feeling well rested. I would love the play a few rounds of a video game before getting the day started. And then just seeing where the day takes me. Maybe go shopping, out to eat, or just stay home and watch movies. Honestly it doesn’t really matter to me. As long as I’m with great company, either family or good friend(s).

67. if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

Hmm probably either teleportation or flying. I wanna see the world and experience what life is like outside of my small 4 walls.

78. what’s your favourite animal?

I love elks and deers. I think they’re cool af. But I also love ctenophores!!

83. what is something that you’d want to learn?

How to love myself. Lmao or maybe how to invest and actually earn money through stocks and stuff.

88. would you rather go back or forward in time?

This was hard to think about. I mean I would love to go back in time but what if changing things actually ruins my life more? But I wouldn’t wanna go forward in time, life’s too short (not that I care about my life ending but I care about others who I wouldn’t want to spend a day without). So I guess to answer the question I’d say back in time. Even if I couldn’t change anything, it would be nice to see a few people again.

91. do you believe in love at first sight?

hmmmm I don’t really know. I know the first time I saw my fur babies I was in love. But the first I’ve seen people? Not really. I mean some people can look beautiful (idc some men are beautiful too), but their personality could be shit. I think I love people more for who they are than what they look like. Cliche I know but like, have you ever talked to someone who was attractive but so damn uninteresting? Makes them ugly to me. So depends on the context. Animals I will love at first sight. Humans, not so much.

Thank you for the asks! It was nice to think about how I’d answer these. I hope you have a good night!

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captains-simp · 3 years

Note

Hi bestieeee, congratulations on 1K!!! I have a request for you!! Mommy!Nat or Dark!Nat blackmailing R into sex or else R would be fired?? Thank you

I wonder who this request is from?🤔

2.8k words

Warnings: dub-con (bordering on non-con), coercion, blackmail, unhealthy power dynamic, oral sex (giving), praise, strap on sex and cum filled strap on

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You knew Natasha was coming before you saw her; before you even heard the chilling sound of her heels against the polished floors of the 46th level. You knew because you saw it in your coworkers eyes. You saw the way they cowered behind their desks and averted their eyes or made a swift exit from the area entirely. You knew because that was just how it worked at Romanoff Industries.

You were lucky enough to have your own office. Well, that should have made you lucky in avoiding Natasha's piercing gaze but it did not. Most of the time she stalked down the area outside your office she came straight to you and even if it wasn't her destination she would be sure to look in as she went by.

That was one of your less fortunate days, she was coming to see you and it wasn't to deliver a compliment about your hard work. Your boss let herself into your office without knocking and strolled over to your desk, her hips swaying in the mesmerising way they always did in those incredibly tight skirts.

"What happened to that report that was meant to be sent to me hours ago?" She demanded as she stood in front of your desk.

"Apparently someone picked up on some faults of the latest design so we can't do anything right now." You tried to explain but Natasha never did like excuses. "I don't know when it will be fixed." You continued.

"And you didn't think to tell me this?" Natasha glared.

"I thought someone would have told you." You were right, a lot of someone's had told the redhead, but apparently she needed to hear it from you too. "It's not my job to." You couldn't help but add. You knew Natasha hated when people pointed out things she didn't want to hear, more so when they did so confidently. You were one of the few who managed it, maybe that was why Natasha seemed to have it out for you. It was just a compulsion to you, to one up your boss. Even if it rarely succeeded.

You had always had mixed feelings about Natasha. Sometimes you thought when she went home at night she venturer into some cave that led to the pits of hell where she returned to her rightful throne. Other times that tough and stubborn show she put on was nothing short of admirable. There was no doubt it was what got her her success and therefore gave you a job. It was just hard to deal with when it was aimed at you individually, or what you could argue felt like personally.

"Don't give me that." She snapped. You were aware of all the eyes of your coworkers looking in on the pair of you and hanging on every word that was exchanged.

"You know full fucking well if something you're doing is going to be delayed you tell me." She was leaning both hands on your desk and leaning over to get closer to you. With such a short distance between you you had no choice but to stare back into her forest green eyes, like hell you were going to look away and back down.

"You can write that fucking report anyway. I want it on my desk today." Today? There was no way you could get that done in office hours, you would have to be working long past when you were meant to usually go home. "And when the design has been fixed you can write another one on it." She was testing you, willing you to say something you would regret. You weren't going to fall into her trap.

"Okay." You said, holding her gaze.

She didn't say anything else. Natasha stood there for another few seconds to watch you, waiting for something, anything. Then she stood back up straight and headed towards the door that she slammed closed behind her and marched back to her own luxury office.

That could have been an email.

It was approaching midnight when you finished the report. You were about to email it to Natasha when you remembered she wanted it in paper form so you begrudgingly sent it off to the printer.

It was a waste of paper you thought as you trudged over to the elevator that quickly arrived as there was no one else in the building. You figured Natasha just wanted to be that extra bit difficult. Well, you knew that was what she was trying to do.

You had worked with Natasha for longer than most, you knew her. Or rather, you knew the front she painted. You knew what annoyed her, what she wanted, what she thought of certain people and you could predict how she would conduct business down to the exact price tag of a product. But you didn't know her personally, sometimes you wondered if there was anyone who did.

You knocked on your bosses door and waited until she called for you to come in. You planned to simply walk in, put the paper on her desk and walk out to go home but once you were several steps past the door Natasha called for you to close it.

She didn't look up at you as you trudged across the ridiculously big office and put the papers down. It was only when you turned around that she spoke again.

"Stay." Was all said. You bite back a comment about not being a dog.

You turned back around and expected some speech and your attitude earlier but continued making notes on a design plan like you weren't even in the room. A few minutes of you fidgeting on your feet and looking around the office for anything interesting, Natasha picked up your report and leaned back in her chair to read it. She showed no signs that you had done a good or bad job with the report.

Finally, she put the paper down on her desk and went back to the plans. "Close the door behind you." Was all she said. You clenched your jaw and rolled your eyes once turned around to finally leave and go home.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, y/n."

Turns out it wasn't as simple as writing two reports. Design after design failed. First there was a slight issue with the batteries, then the shape, then it somehow became a liability. You mentioned all these faults in your reports, as you legally had to, but it became tedious very quickly. You always hated paperwork. It was meant to be such a small part of your job. You could only hope the sudden increase was temporary, especially as it wasn't exactly one of your strengths.

You continued to work over time and met Natasha late at night, always having to wait until she finished reading till you could leave. You thought you had to be doing at least a good job with them for your boss to never say anything, because she was always ready to point out small errors. That was until one particular night.

"These reports are getting worse." Natasha scolded. The comment made your blood boil. They were certainly not getting worse, maybe the designs were but you knew it was no fault of yours.

"The designs don't work." You fired back and crossed your arms. You had been worked tirelessly on those reports and they only stated the facts.

"Do you even care about your job, y/n?" Natasha asked seriously, angering you more.

"I've sacrificed more than I ever thought I could for a job for this company."

"You're on thin fucking ice, l/n. With the way things are going I'd be in a right mind to fire you." ...what the fuck?!

"What?" It came out as more of a whisper. After everything that you had done for the company and the years you had spent there, Natasha wouldn't really fire you, would she?

"Unless you're willing to make up for it all." She said seriously with something unmistakably dark in her tone.

"I don't more extra hours than anyone here." You said, not knowing what else she could mean.

"Not more than me, something takes quite the toll. I can hardly fit the time in to distress anymore. That's where you come in." Natasha explained as she stood up from her chair and sauntered around to the other side of the desk, the sound of her heels clicking echoing around the room.

There was a long moment of silence when Natasha left barely any space between you. You searched her eyes for any hint of what she was referring to but inevitably found nothing. Until she suddenly pushed you down onto your knees in front of her.

"Show me what other skills you have and maybe I'll consider letting you stay." She smirked down at you and ran the back of her hand across your cheek before cupping your jaw. "Entirely your call."

"Natasha this is crazy." You tried to reason but it was hard to ignore the faint throbbing you felt from being on your knees for her. "I could tell someone." For the first time ever, you heard her laugh. She threw her head back in a mocking laugh that soon turned into taunting chuckles.

"Y/n, who would believe you over me? You can be my guest and try but you'll never have another job in this city again, maybe further if I feel like it." She shrugged. You gulped and felt your breathing shake. Fuck.

Natasha, apparently impatient, hiked up her skirt and leant back against her desk to look at you expectantly. Your mouth suddenly went dry when you caught sight of her bare pussy, having not had any underwear on. You wondered if she often sat around like that. If she sauntered around the building and into your office where you could easily let your fingers wander up her skirt. Did she always leave them off for you?

"If you want to keep your job I suggest you get to work." She spoke. You tentatively moved forward and gripped onto her thighs for support, still looking up at her for any signs of a tell.

She was positively soaked. You could see her clenching in anticipation, the sight and musky smell entirely inviting. So you licked a long strip of the redhead's folds and moaned at the sweet taste of her. Sweetness was hardly what you expected given the tough and cold exterior of your boss, you hadn't expected it to be so instantly addictive either.

You pushed your tongue further inside the redhead who gave a breathy moan in response. At that, your mind was made. You sucked harshly on Natasha's clit and felt it pulse rapidly between your lips before returning your tongue to where she needed it most.

"Look at how much you're enjoying this." Natasha smirked as she looked down at the beyond contented glint in your eyes. "So good at pleasing you like mommy."

You worked your tongue tirelessly inside her, spurred on by the blissful sounds that fell from the redhead's mouth with every flick and curl of your muscle. You were lost in the incomparable taste of her and hoped it would be something that lingered on your tongue for a while. You were in awe of the way her mouth hung open in a silent scream as her eyes clenched shut every time your tongue brushed against some beautiful nerve ending. The sounds she made when you did so rivalled the faux sweetness of a siren's song. You knew the dangers of being lulled too far but you wanted to explore it entirely, convinced there was some hidden beauty that no one else could see.

"Fuck, so good." Your grip on Natasha's thigh tightened when her hold on the back of your neck did. She started to buck her hips against your mouth and her breathing patterns became more irregular. Your boss seemed lost in the pleasure she was experiencing from you as her eyes shut firmly and her movements became more erratic. But even then she held onto her power over you.

"I want you to swallow every last fucking drop." She ordered and gasped when your nose bumped against her clit. You picked up the pace of your tongue, making sure to swipe it against all the spots you had learnt made her shudder.

Her nails were practically digging into your neck when she reached her high. Her breath got caught in her throat before she gave the most animalistic moan you had ever heard. She furiously bucked her hips against your face as she rode out her high and relished in every wave of pleasure.

She recovered impressively quickly and was still raring to go, apparently having more plans for the night. She smiled down at you with a glint of the devil in her eye as she stood back and turned around to retrieve something from her desk, telling you to sit on her chair.

You were anticipating Natasha to return the favour, especially given how much she clearly enjoyed what you had to offer. Instead, she slipped a harness through your legs and pulled it up to your waist where she fastened it to sit securely. It was only when she moved away that you saw the size of the red toy, standing proudly and daringly. You wouldn't be surprised if your boss couldn't make it fit, yet again about to see that you really didn't know her. She was unpredictable and nothing short of it.

Natasha straddled your legs until her knees hit the backrest of her chair and her cunt was lined up with the toy. You went to hold her waist to guide her but your boss grabbed your wrists harshly and pinned them to the chair either side of you with a warning look.

She lowered herself onto the toy and groaned when the head of the toy alone started to stretch her. She kept her strong grip on your wrists as she looked more of the strap and you could only watch on in awe as the fake cock disappeared inside her.

Natasha moaned loudly and paused half way to adjust herself and breathe heavily before slamming herself down on the rest of the toy. "God." She grunted. "Mommy feels so full."

"Let me help you mommy." You tried but she shook her head.

"You don't get to touch right now." Was all she said before she lifted herself partly off the toy and slammed back down drawing another beautiful moan.

Your boss continued this for a while until she found herself in a rhythm that pleasured her deeply. You could see her juices smeering the toy everytime she withdrew and the sight alone made you groan, you already wanted to taste her again.

She rode you with vigor as her pace increased as did her grip on you. Profanities spilled from her mouth like a song that you wanted to join in with but you were too fixated on the sight infront of you. Natasha's bra clearly wasn't all that supportive because her breasts bounced with each thrust downwards and you wished more than anything that you could reach out and take her top and bra off to cup them, even tweak her nipples between your fingers to see her squeal.

"Gonna cum- fuck! Mommy's gonna cum on your cock and you're going to fill me up more." She said between moans and gasps. You didn't really understand what she meant by fill her up more but you weren't going to object, not when you wanted to see her cum again so badly.

She suddenly let your right hand go and grabbed on to the back of the harness. You were confused until you felt something click and Natasha was moaning louder than she had all night. "Your cum feels so good in me." She all but screamed before jerking her hips wildly and cumming around the toy.

She fell forwards slightly and grinded against the toy to ride out her high desperately. You gripped her hips with your free hand and moaned when you saw some of the cum leaking out of Natasha's pussy.

With a groan, you pulled your other hand out of the redhead's grasp and lifted her up and down onto her desk where she looked up at you with blissful eyes. "Don't go thinking you have any control." Natasha sneered but gasped when you withdrew the strap and snapped your hips forwards again.

"We'll see."

#natasha romanoff imagines #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff smut #natasha romanoff #dark!marvel #dark!natasha romanoff

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quia-nominor--leo · 2 years

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I’ve been replaying the Witcher games and have some thoughts about Eskel, specifically the line he has when him, Lambert, Geralt, and Yennefer are discussing putting Uma through the Trial of Grasses:

Eskel: See, till now we had a great excuse not to take in apprentices. Seems we’ll need to talk it over.

This line stunned me when I first heard it because I was not expecting it to come from any witcher, least of all Eskel. The process of becoming a witcher is painful and abusive, so to hear him consider continuing the tradition was ... shocking. But I think that there’s a little more to it than just that.

Eskel has always seemed to me like the odd one out in CDPR’s verse, which is the Eskel I want to talk about here. Out of all the witchers we meet he seems to have the least unique characterization. Even though I love Eskel and would like as much content about him as possible, I’m not particularly mad about it - the majority of what we get seems to be reflective of the books and witchers in general, and ultimately he is one of dozens of individual characters that the games work with. It’s clear that CDPR made the decision to have Lambert be Geralt’s ‘second-in-command’ and another of Vesemir’s child-surprises, which is not entirely book-accurate, but is a lot more believable than whatever manic-pixie-dream-girl-wet-dream fantasy we have going on with Triss Merigold.

This specific line is thrown into even sharper relief considering that a few seconds before, Lambert yells at Yennefer for suggesting that Uma undergoes the Trial of the Grasses, and states that the secrets of the Trials should remain forgotten:

Lambert: Wary? That’s not the problem. Those secrets have been forgotten. And that’s how they should stay.

Out of all the School of Wolf witchers that we meet, Eskel is the one who expresses least opinions about the process of becoming a witcher. In the first game, Berengar is extremely bitter about what happened to him and actively turns his back on Kaer Morhen for that reason. Lambert seems to take up his mantle in TW3. There’s an interesting point in the game where Lambert indicates that he isn’t angry about being a witcher but rather he is angry about the lack of choice he had in the matter:

Lambert: Guess I could've been someone worse... Just a shame I had no choice.

The cruelty of the trials:

Geralt: That still gnawing at you?

Lambert: Gnawing? No. Straight old pisses me off. What the fuck was that Trial for? Most who returned from the Circle of Elements died within a year in some swamp, hunting drowners for a crown thirty a head. So exactly what was the point?

The futility of the trials:

Lambert: That's just it -- not everyone made it. Lots of boys died here. Boys taken against their will.

And the fact that he was put through all of that in return for his father’s life:

Lambert: My life... For the life of that prick?

Lambert also expresses concern about putting Uma through the Trial of the Grasses on the simple premise that it will make Uma suffer (which, as a side note, is the moment I realised how much I love Lambert):

Yennefer: Of course not. As I was about to say, I'll only apply the first half of the Trial, because -

Lambert: Because you want to watch him suffer?

Lambert is also the one to call Vesemir out for keeping Sad Albert around and refers to the instruments used during the Trials as “torture devices”:

Lambert: Sure. Every grandpa out there's got an attic full of torture devices.

He also places himself physically away from the group during the Trial, he questions Vesemir’s seeming regret at the process by asking why he kept Sad Albert around, and ultimately walks out in the middle of the Trial:

Vesemir: I had hoped... I'd hoped I would never have to watch this again.

Lambert: Why'd you keep the table, then?

In his own way, Vesemir too expresses reluctance over putting Uma through the Trial of the Grasses:

Yennefer: Have the boys told you what we plan to do?

Vesemir. Yes. Don't like it one bit. But I suppose I have to trust you.

He goes through the trouble of trying his own way to lift the curse from Uma because he recognises that what Yennefer intends to do is not safe (at that point she has not revealed that she wants to subject him to the first part of the Trial of the Grasses). He also keeps calling back to the fact that he had to see the Trial being carried out many times with horrific results and he is not comfortable with putting Uma through it (although, as Lambert points out, he did keep Sad Albert around and justifies it through the sentimental nostalgia felt by old people which has to be considered when putting his statements into perspective).

Geralt’s reactions depend somewhat on the player’s choices, but at a minimum he is wary of putting Uma through the Trial. He questions the chances of Uma’s survival, is concerned about whether the hookweed that Vesemir administers has actually helped dull Uma’s pain, and the player is given the option to question whether the Trial of the Grasses should continue:

Geralt: Listen... We should stop this.

Yennefer: Then Uma dies. Very painfully.

Eskel doesn’t really get an opinion. Later in the process, he does express doubt about putting Uma through the Trial but he does it within the context of Uma potentially being Ciri and what it might to do her, not in relation to what it is doing to Uma as a separate entity:

Eskel: If that's Ciri in there...she could come out of this crippled, wrong in the head, just emotionless. Thought about that?

And, above and beyond all this, is the simple fact that Eskel is the first witcher around that table to talk about how they may need to discuss taking on new boys if the Trial of the Grasses is viable again. But there is no way that I will accept that the reason why he does that is because CDPR Eskel is somehow callous or unfeeling.

So what’s my point exactly?

One of the most distinct perceptions I have of Eskel is that he shows a dislike of expressing opinion and a preference to avoiding confrontation. In TW3, we are told that Vesemir has asked Eskel to see to some beams that need fixing and has also asked Lambert to patch up Savolla’s breach. Eskel doesn’t see to the beams because he is too busy getting drunk with Lambert and Geralt in ‘No Place Like Home’, but he feels the need to explain himself to Vesemir the day after:

Vesemir: So I guess you didn't get a chance to see to the beams in the tower?

Eskel: Uh... No... But we'll, uh, get to that, I promise. Right, Lambert?

Lambert on the other hand makes a conscious decision to not patch up Savolla’s breach, not because he wants to be argumentative with Vesemir but simply because he is of the opinion that it doesn’t need to be done:

Geralt: Savolla's breach. Still haven't patched it up?

Lambert: Vesemir'd like to. Doesn't bother me, though. Not expecting anyone to lay siege and...this way I got a shortcut to the pond.

So Lambert has agency over some of what happens in Kaer Morhen, but Eskel just does what Vesemir tells him to do.

Eskel also makes it clear to Geralt several times that he does not trust Yennefer or approve of the way she treats people. For example:

Geralt: Yen tell you why she wants this?

Eskel: Mean you don't know? And that, uh...doesn't bug you?

[...]

Geralt: No, it doesn't. I trust her.

Eskel: And they say people learn from their mistakes...

[...]

Geralt: Something about Yen bothering you? C'mon, grow a pair, give it to me straight.

Eskel: You grow a pair and admit she tricked you. More than a few times.

This is pretty much in line with how Lambert feels, but instead of directly confronting Yennefer, Eskel just buries it. He goes out of his way to be polite and to reign Lambert in when the latter tries to prod. He only confronts Yennefer once Lambert has started the ball rolling:

Lambert: Fine. Conversation turned serious? Let's talk. Yen, what do you plan to do with Uma?

Yennefer: I said I'll tell you tomorrow.

Eskel: So tell us now. It's after midnight.

I think its also telling that Eskel only reveals his true feelings about Kaer Morhen once Vesemir dies. We’re told that the previous winter, Lambert suggested that the witchers abandon Kaer Morhen and that Vesemir took it badly. Lambert retains his opinion, but Eskel doesn’t give his own:

Geralt: Vesemir's gotten a bit grumpy in his old age.

Eskel: That was nothing. Shoulda been here last winter when Lambert tried to convince him we oughta abandon Kaer Morhen for good.

Lambert: What good's this old ruin anyway? Moldy walls, leaky roof, and it's one big fucking ice cube in the winter.

Eskel: Vesemir didn't say a word. Stood, grabbed his sword, and slammed the door on his way out. Didn't come back for a month.

However, during Vesemir’s funeral, we see that Eskel actually does have an opinion on Kaer Morhen, but he expresses it only once Vesemir has passed:

Eskel: No, Geralt. Place has been dying a while now. Last nail in the coffin today. Time we accepted that.

If Letho is present at Kaer Morhen, there’s a scene which makes me feel like Eskel becomes defensive with Geralt - the one and only time he does. This is opposed to Lambert who is quite quick to argue. The topic at hand? Eskel’s right to an opinion. Lambert in this scene directly confronts the situation, but Eskel’s reaction isn’t to directly argue his case - it makes me think more of him trying to convince himself that his opinion matters.

Letho: None of your business.

Lambert: Wrong -- it is his and mine. Rather not have you behind our backs during the battle.

Geralt: What is it now?

Lambert: Why did you even bring him?

Geralt: I need Letho.

Eskel: Our opinions count, too.

We see Eskel’s reluctance to confront in the first game too. In ‘The Price of Neutrality’ we learn that Eskel actively avoided claiming Deidre Ademeyn and then had a hard time making a decision about what to do with her once she arrives at Kaer Morhen:

Vesemir: He cited the Law of Surprise, and, as they say, destiny proved fortunate - unbeknownst to the prince, his wife was with child [...] As far as I know Eskel never returned to claim the child promised him by the prince. For some reason, ever since then he’s always taken the long way around Caingorn.

Whatever decision is taken, Eskel’s face is ripped apart, but we know that he continues to claim the Law of Surprise when he explains how he got his horse Scorpion:

Eskel: Saved this lost knight once... You know, woods, dark, wolves. The standard. Told him "Give me what you find at home" and all that... No kid this time, but his mare had just foaled.

Overall, this progression makes me feel like Eskel is ignoring his own personal experience with the Law of Surprise, and continues to use it simply because that is what a witcher is ‘supposed’ to do.

Now, back to why I originally started this.

Eskel does what he’s supposed to do. He claims the Law of Surprise even though it hasn’t worked out well for him, he doesn’t instigate arguments with Vesemir or Geralt, he doesn’t really make his own decisions regarding Kaer Morhen. In ‘The Price of Neutrality’ he says that he invoked the Law of Surprise because that’s what Vesemir told them witchers do:

Eskel: I must’ve heard too many of Vesemir’s stories about the eternal Law of Surprise ...

This ‘supposed to’ language comes out in one of his lines to Ciri:

Eskel: Should've stayed in the keep, sat your ass down like you were supposed to.

In a way, Eskel is the most “standard” witcher that we meet in the games. Even in preparing for trying to lift the curse from Uma, Yennefer gives him the task that is most standard for a witcher, i.e. killing a forktail and obtaining ingredients from it. After the battle of Kaer Morhen, his next step is calculated as continuing his witcher work:

Eskel: Try my luck in Lormark. There's always work where there's war. After that, we'll see.

We never hear Eskel’s opinions about witchering, about how he personally feels about it. Even Gaetan, an optional character, gets to say his little piece down in Velen, but Eskel doesn’t.

Does this mean that Eskel is somehow boring or has less personality? I certainly don’t believe so. The simple fact that this man tracked and hunted a katakan then dragged its corpse all the way back to Kaer Morhen because he identified interesting characteristics and wanted to see if he could develop a new way to track these creatures should be enough proof against that (seriously, how did Eskel get that thing up the mountain?). From the little we gather of his life outside of Kaer Morhen, we can also see that Eskel has his own adventures, but he never offers up much details, preferring to sit and listen to what Geralt and Lambert have to say instead.

No, rather, I think that Eskel makes a conscious effort to avoid confrontation. Now, the fact that he immediately wants to discuss making new witchers may be interpreted as him wanting to directly confront the issue, but I disagree. Keep in mind that making more witchers is what witchers are supposed to do. I don’t believe that Eskel wants to make more witchers, but I believe that he feels that since that is what witchers are supposed to do, it is the opinion that he is supposed to express. Its less confrontational to continue a tradition set for hundreds of years than it is to actively argue and speak out against it, which is what Lambert does.

I want to make it clear that I don’t mean this as a negative attack on Eskel or his moral choices. In a way I very much feel that Eskel is the person who is sacrificing his own opinions and feelings because he feels that he has to be the responsible person and consider what may be appropriate for a situation, whether its easier for him or not. I think its telling that at one point Geralt tells Lambert:

Geralt: Whine about it to Eskel later.

Almost as if its completely normal for either of them to go to Eskel with their issues. If you’re not romancing Yennefer, Eskel is also the one who immediately expresses concern for Geralt and asks him if he wants to talk about it, whatever his feelings about Yennefer are:

Eskel: Lambert, drop it ... Sorry, Geralt, that was, uh, insensitive. We didn’t know. You wanna ... wanna talk about it?

The thing is that there is usually a reason why a person would not consider their opinion important. To dip into personal experience for a moment, I’ve generally always been a very opinionated and blunt person, however, the periods of my life where I considered my opinions to be worthless or useless coincided with my feelings of self-hate and/or lack of self-confidence. I don’t think that all people who struggle with those feelings will manifest them in the same way. In some cases you can have people who are dealing with those feelings and instead become loud and cultivate transgressive opinions simply because its the only way they feel they can get attention (I’m narrowing my eyes slightly at Lambert here).

So, in essence I think that Eskel is someone who doesn’t feel like he has the right to an opinion, a right to do things the way he thinks would be good for him, especially if they are not in line with what he is expected to do.

I think that there’s a lot to be said about how Lambert has to live with the fact that Geralt, the famous White Wolf, and Eskel, known for his prowess and Sign intensity, are the two Wolf witchers who remain and the two people who’s standards he has to meet and try to attain, even if he is an excellent witcher in his own right. However, more recently, I’ve been thinking about how at least Lambert can get some distance from that. Ultimately, he is from a different generation of witchers, and we see that he actively spends time away from the School of Wolf and interacts with at least one other witcher from a different school. Eskel, on the other hand, has to deal with a life spent being compared to Geralt. I don’t think he’s bitter about it - his famous line of being a simple witcher doesn’t come off as jealous or resentful:

Eskel: I’m a simple witcher, Wolf. Don’t fight dragons, don’t fraternize with kings and don’t sleep with sorceresses ... unlike some.

But then when he talks about how Vesemir couldn’t tell them apart, the way he says it makes it feel like now there’s something different, whether its the scars or something else:

Eskel: Right... Vesemir used to say he couldn't tell us apart. Like brothers, two drops of water... A long time ago, that. Thanks.

So, Eskel has had to deal with being compared to Geralt for his entire life, has had to slowly come to terms with the fact that Geralt is not the same person he grew up with, and has to come to terms with the fact that he has to continuously take a step back in Geralt’s life, as the latter becomes the White Wolf, becomes involved with Yennefer, and ultimately claims Ciri as a child of surprise which solidifies him into legend, one way or another. I think its very easy to point towards his scars and blame any lack of self-confidence in them, but I think that that also negates and downplays all the other trauma Eskel as a witcher has had to go through beyond the disfigurement. For one, you could consider whether Eskel sees Geralt’s protectiveness of Ciri in stark contrast to his perceived failure to protect Deidre. For another, there’s very little exploration of how the sacking of Kaer Morhen is on its own enough of a traumatic experience to leave intense guilt on the survivors.

Ultimately, all of this converges to what I feel is a person who just ... doesn’t think he is that important in the lives of his fellow witchers and in general. It’s sad because, in the books you can get a sense of how important Eskel is to the story, both as Geralt’s friend and one of the people Ciri considers her mentor. And perhaps its one reason why Eskel, even though he is not a main character, resonates so deeply with people. Its not something that I can personally say I have an exact understanding of, but I can certainly sympathise with the struggle of doing what you want versus being cursed with the conviction that what other people need or want is more important to you.

And in conclusion: thank you for all the fanfic writers and fans who have recognised this in Eskel and have actively aimed to confront this and tease out the trauma. Every little nugget I find of a well-written Eskel is hoarded and consumed because this character in particular deserves so much more than he has so far been given.

#eskel #lambert #vesemir #berengar #geralt #the witcher #tw3 #quiaposts

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