#if you can't even write normal women dont even try writing those women.

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

guys who can't write/portray regular women trying to write/portray willow, wigfrid or charlie are the scariest ppl on earth. jsyk.

[thehopelessexception]

is it just me?

i've been observing a tendency surrounding women —mostly between 20 and 26— where we can't find anything close to love (from men). women are not dating, nor living a normal life, developing a femcel-like point of view. and im saying this because i want to be loved just like anyone else, but are we the problem? or is there something wrong with boys? i mean, ofc there's something wrong with boys; but every year pass by and every time is harder and harder to find someone willing to put the effort to make you feel loved and understood. was it like this 50 years ago? 100 years ago? i am very much aware that our mothers and grandmothers suffered in the world they lived in, generally with sexist husbands and mandatory tradwife lifestyle. but i am also sure that there was some exceptions, way too many more than today.

and we tend to romanticize the past, probably there's something to do with our generation. nor millennials or gen z, the ones in the middle. the girls who grew up with enough technology but not so much. the ones that went crazy over boybands and fanfiction and hung up posters in our walls. the ones that went crazy in 2018-2020 with deranged feminism just to realise, later on, nobody really cared and it maybe was a little over the top. the ones that filled our beds with stuffed animals repeatedly every time we woke up just to throw them on the floor at night so we could sleep. the girls who spent their teenage years on tumblr writing code (before men took that away from us) and making playlists of marina lana and the 1975 so everyone on the internet could see how cool we wanted to look like. probably the ones that suffered some kind of bullying in highschool or some health problem related to how we didn't fit in or how bad we looked at ourselves in the mirror (yk what i mean). we weren't the cool kids in real life or it was just me?

now i'm observing how hard it is to adapt that teenager to adult years. and maybe it's me but i don't feel like an adult. i am a tiny ball of anxiety. i suffer too much stress. i am trying to finish my degree but i don't know if im worthy of anything because i dont have money, and i don't have time to work and study at the same time because i spend too many time thinking about it and feeling a fraud and a failure.

i don't know how to talk to boys either —nor girls, in that way—. and until some days ago i was quite sure i was willing and capable of spending my whole life alone. i've given up to anything because i felt it imposible to be loved. but lately my mind goes up and down with that scene of jo monologue in little women by gretta gerwig. and it also goes with the hot priest monologue of fleabag. and today i rewatched the classic he's just not that into you. are we condemned to be the tedious rule? am i?

i've seen all of my girlfriends suffering the same mysery. and i've seen the extremes. women giving up the love they deserve —because they accepted the fate of being the rule— by dating a jerk just because they are afraid of loneliness. and i've also seen women giving up everything else just because they are not willing to give up love. those are us. hopeless romantics who watched way too many romantic comedies and somehow still expect to find someone willing to die for us just like dicaprio in romeo + juliet. —or at least a patrick verona—.

what i've never seen was actual love. all the couples i met... they don't look happy. they don't look in love. they don't look like they enjoy their own company even. they look exactly like a picture of instagram. they exist just to make us feel miserable even when it's obvious they are not gonna last. i've seen couples of what? 7 years? gone. broken up. they grew tired of each other and of course they never looked like they had anything close to sparkles in their eyes. chemistry? none. and maybe it is my anxiety speaking but i don't want that. i refuse to have that. i want all or nothing. i want always and forever. i want everyone to look at us and think "if i don't have that i'll kms". i want family —even tho im not sure i want to get pregnant, what am i a childbride?—. i don't want to change anything to fit in with the standards of a boy. i want marriage even tho im not sure i want to be legally married. i want the posibility, the future. i want the emotions surpassing myself. i want to not know me anymore and then knowing me again. i want to doubt myself. i want my heart beating so fast i could kill someone for them. i want to believe god exists. i want to laugh of happiness without they making a joke. i want my sundays to not be deppresing because i can hang out with the love of my life and have fun. i want to be the "and yet" of someone willingly enough to fall for me every single day even if i am kinda insane all the time. i want someone who cares. someone who fantasizes with spending the rest of their lives with me and is going to put the effort to get to know every single thing about me and stay because he's blown away. and aparently that's setting the bar "too high" because we are the rule and not the exception.

people always assume that by being a romantic i expect flowers every day and cheesy comments about how beautiful i look; and that would actually make me want to puke because i can do that myself. i am confortable with myself, i like myself, i love myself, i have the ego. i am not really asking for that much i just want someone to love me with every single thing that's probably wrong with me. what i want is someone curious and smart. someone who pays enough attention or wants to. i want the chemistry off the roof.

and contrary to anyone's beliefs the bar is too low about everything else. every single girl probably wants the same thing. is it that hard for men to understand that women want to feel loved?

lately —worldwide— it's all a competition of genres as if humanity doesn't need us to interact to survive. it's a loop that opened up in 2013? with the tumblr-4chan gate and right now got translated to the real world because pick-mes are back and being a man is cool. and suddenly that's how nature works!! because apparently women are boring and just a hole. maybe they all need to go all alexander the great. but it's getting boring. and we as women deserve love as much as respect.

[saintadeline]

Ohhh I am trying so hard not to get mad at people online you have to believe me but that post about bloodborne liking women is driving me a little bit crazy not gonna lie. We can all so clearly see and point out misogyny in ds (um. Im hoping at least) so why can't we ever do it in bloodborne? Even though its the same people? What about bloodborne makes you think theyre feminists all of a sudden. Because it talks about women? Okay, but that's not how that works, a work that disregards women is misogynistic, that much everyone knows, but a work that does talk about women but portray them in a weird light can also very much be. Also whenever people say bloodborne is about women or femininity, a huge chunk of the time what they mean is bloodborne is about motherhood and pregnancy. Which is true, but thats... Not what womanhood is thats not what women are about you can't just reduce women as a concept to birth. And motherhood. And being caretakers. Almost every woman in bloodborne has less agency than their men counterparts, most of them are more strongly abused, shown as complacent and weak and only exist to serve. Even maria has no agency and is constantly driven back to the fact she was gman's apprentice and following he and laurence's orders. She has little identity outside of them in written down ingame lore and the one time she did something outside of them, is the one time she became a caretaker (because all women are it seems). The fact the og lady maria npc even exists is even worse on that part. I'm using her as an example because shes the one people most often take as an example of bb being good about women (look theres a strong female character!) but it's obviously much more than just her, just look at arianna and adella for more than one second. The only npcs i can think of that i would consider Actually Good And Normal About Women are eileen and fauxsefka. And i mean actual npcs im not counting bosses that we dont know much about on a personal level (like rom and amelia)

What I'm trying to say is, i think it's awesome when people have feminist interpretations of bloodborne and i think its a good thing to take those female characters for yourself and its a good thing to make the game as transgender and gay as you want it to be, and its perfect soil for that too, i do it all the time and find many many themes in it by myself, but we can't keep lying to ourselves that it was any good at it on its own. It's soulsborne for fuck's sake it has Always been Really Weird about women and minorities just look at ds look at firekeepers and gwyndolin and many other examples. Bloodborne isnt exempt from that just because men are writing about pregnancy as horror.

[opinated-user]

it just occured to me that i never fully explained how deeply wrong this ask (https://lily-orchard.tumblr.com/post/692207852489703424/as-a-trans-man-i-really-dont-like-that-you-paint) actually is.

As a trans man, I really don't like that you paint hair cutting as something that's just a bad trope. I and a couple of my trans/nonbinary friends cut our hair during our gender exploration. I can't speak for them, obviously, but it was a huge moment of euphoria for me. Obviously there are bad reasons for a character to cut their hair, but cutting it for gender exploration makes sense.

LO answered: I get that, but the trope is so ubiquitous and so many characters start with unique and interesting designs only to be given the same two or three haircuts that it bothers me on a fundamental level.

It’s not that it’s a bad trope, it’s that so many people’s idea of character development starts and ends at “Okay but like… what if they buzzed their head?”

what LO actually did here was to tell a trans man that cutting hair ruins an interesting design for a female character. this is annoying already because, as we know, the only change rey's LO has in comparison with the original is that now she uses her hair loose but otherwise there's no actual design at all. all the credit still goes for whoever was in charge of the costumes in the movie. LO's lying on that front. but then she doesn't realize or cares to think about the implications of telling any of this to a trans man who was already uncomfortable with her handling the issue. i can't speak for that anon, but if trans women are punished by society for trying to approach feminity (like by negating them having long hair, like LO claims is her case) then trans men are punished for rejecting feminity (refusing to have long hair). of course that every trans man has their own style and long or short hair is not the end all when it comes to gender or presentation, but a common experience for that demographic is to be told things like "you were prettier when you were a girl" by people who refuse to accept their identity. transphobic groups and people might even go so far as to lament how trans men/non binary afab people have "ruined" their bodies by transitioning or how they must have "internalized misogyny" to do something like that. this is a different kind of transphobia that trans women are usually exposed to but it's very insidious and normalized. when LO says that a gender non conforming masculine rey (non binary or trans man) will never have short hair because that's misogynistic and it would be inherently worse for her looks, she's invoking the same rethoric and narrative from those groups. again, can't speak for that anon, but if any trans person felt uncomfortable with how LO goes about this issue this is the reason why. she's not just reaching for anything to try to make her point more valid, she's actively participating on a form of transphobic microagression the more she tries to justify her preferences. once again, just for clarity's sake: none of this would matter if LO just said it's her preference or that she's uncomfortable writing about cutting hair because of her own experience. nobody would judge her for that. but when she uses that specific kind of argument, that female characters should embrace longer hair or else their interesting designs are "ruined", all i hear are the kind of women who post on social media about how Elliot Page now is ugly, looks unhealthy and was a lot more attractive as a woman. the fact that she said that to a trans man speaks volumes of the kind of ignorance that LO carries with her about anyone that isn't what immediately concerns to herself.

[jimin-day]

Stare at me

Summary: You frequent a coffee shop only to be met with his dark eyes every time.

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Genre/tags: Smut, fingering, oral (female receiving), unprotected sex, creampie, if you squint daddy!Jungkook, shy!reader, dirty talk,

a/n: hello! This is my first time writing a fanfic so please be kind! This kind of just fell out of me and developed into something I couldn't control, so.. enjoy! :)

You leaned back with a sigh and threw your notebook on the coffee table. Knowing you needed a well deserved break from studying you decide to head down to the local coffee shop for a caffeine boost.

You emit a big loud yawn and walk to your room down the hall. You decide to exchange your sweatpants with some jeans and put on a bra for the first time that weekend. You give a small huff in the mirror noticing you still look a bit ragged, but who cares? Your not trying to impress anyone and your definitely not trying to turn any heads.

After breaking up with your long term, long distance boyfriend you felt like your life was on hold. You thought you were going to marry this man, have his children in fact. But the sad truth was he had cheated on you and you couldnt let that stand, so you left. Feeling emotionally bruised and sore you had holed up in your on-campus apartment and tried to forget by studying and binging on chinese food for the last few weeks.

The only thing that brought you any joy nowadays was getting some coffee a few blocks down from where you lived. It may have seemed like a small excursion but it got you out of the house and let you take in a fresh breath of air, somehow restoring your will to stand on this planet.

But you would be lying if that was the only reason you visited that coffee shop. Every so often a black haired man at a small table next to the window would be working on his laptop, to say he was handsome was an understatement.

He was jarringly handsome and if you were lucky you would catch eyes with him, only to be completely embarrassed when he caught you staring. But that didnt stop you from looking for him every time you went to the shop only to be met with those dark doe eyes.

You walked down the side walk, a cool breeze hitting your face, making you feel refreshed now that you were being met with crisp air. You took a deep breath and tried to ignore the fact that you were still deeply hurting from your breakup. You silently thought to yourself that maybe it was you. Were you not good enough? Not pretty enough? You guess you could stand to lose a bit of weight. Maybe not good enough in bed? No, do not let yourself go there this was his problem. You were more than an ideal girlfriend and you refuse to blame yourself for his actions.

Almost like he had heard you thinking about him, your phone rings a familiar chime and you lift your phone to take a look.

[DONT ANSWER] 11:46pm

Hey please message me back, i miss you.

Nope, not a chance. Since the break up your ex has been trying to contact you but you wouldnt give him the light of day. There is no way you were going to let him convince you back into his arms and you wouldnt even give him the chance.

You put your phone in your pocket and looked up at your destination. You pull the door open to be greeted with warm air defrosting your body. You take a step inside and almost involuntarily look to your right where that brown haired man normally sat. You were thrilled to see him sitting there studiously staring at his laptop with his eyebrows stitched together, probably figuring out a tough question you assume? Today he was wearing all black, not like he wore anything else, a black oversized tee shirt, a black face mask pulled down to his chin and ripped black jeans. A leather jacket hung from one of the chairs which he had thrown over previously before your arrival. He sighed and leaned back taking a sip of his coffee before looking up.

As if knowing you were going be there at this exact time he met your eyes immediately. You felt embarrassed, obviously for staring so long, but you were a bit bolder today meeting his gaze a little longer than normal. Maybe seeing that text earlier gave you a bit more confidence in knowing you would be fine without your ex, even though you were torn inside.

His eyes didnt back down and he one upped you by cupping his hand underneath his chin and giving you a sexy smirk while tilting his head. This was as much confidence as you were going to show today, as you quickly turned your head and got in queue. Your cheeks burned and admittedly your pussy clenched with desire. You put your face in your hands and shook your head trying to regain your composure. Feeling so hot and blushed.

You didnt notice but the man was quietly giggling and taking you in as much as you were oogling him. Of course he noticed you looking at him everytime you walked through those doors. In fact, he may have noticed you before you had noticed him. When he caught you the first time staring, he was elated. Knowing that you felt attracted to him made this even more fun, and what topped it off was you were so shy. Every time he looked at you, you couldnt help but be incredibly embarrassed and cave in on yourself. He loved that, Jungkook fed off it, each time you walked through the door he pictured more than one things to do to you.

Even catching you in sweatpants drove jungkook crazy. Seeing them hangoff your hips teasing him and wearing a tight camisole made him ache in pleasure. What was it about you that made him dizzy?

Jungkook was an average student but excelled in about everything else. At uni he was very often sought after by women but he had no motivation to chase after anyone. He would have flings here and there but they meant nothing to him. Not even knowing it, jungkook became the white whale around the university. Women would try to reel him in but to no avail, leaving them high and dry. Getting him in bed meant you were of the elite class, earning you a high spot in womens books, often jealousy.

But jungkook was oblivious to this, and if he was being honest nothing was special about those women. Just right place, right time.

But to Jungkook, you felt special.

Jungkook thought about his plan of action that he had rehearsed in his head a few times. He always wanted to confront you but never felt confident enough. But today was the day. He woke up with a surge of motivation and admittedly went to the coffee shop early to make sure he didn't miss you, praying you would show up.

You were the next person to place your order when you feel a presence behind you. You paid it no mind and kept looking forward deciding if you should get a small breakfast sandwich to go with your coffee. As you tell the clerk that you'd like a hot coffee a voice speaks up behind you, "and I'll be paying for that"

You turn around as if your head was on a swivel and notice the beautiful man coming up around you and handing his card to the employee. "Oh and I'll have a breakfast sandwich too" you say while giving a meek smile to the man who was paying for you.

He gives a mischievous grin and you turn to face the clerk, blushing. Once he receives his receipt and is handed his card back, you step to the side and wait for your order to be finished. Not far behind, jungkook follows and stands beside you. "You know, I would've paid for you even if you ordered the whole menu" jungkook looks at you with kind eyes and a little grin.

You cant help but blush and stare at your feet. You quickly try and sike yourself up and finally look up at him "Well maybe next time I'll try and buy the whole store" Jungkook laughed brightly with a bunny smile while his dark hair falls into his eyes, you can't help but think how adorably handsome he was in that moment.

He looks at you a bit more seriously making your face burn in anticipation. "You think I haven't noticed you staring?" At that you turned red. You knew he saw you, most days you would catch his eyes but being so upfront about it had you in a tizzy. Jungkook takes the small slip of paper he just received and starts scribbling on it and places it into your hand.

You glance down at the paper and it's his name and phone number, you look up and blush at him. Jungkook leans closer to you almost brushing your ear. "If you would like you can stare at me outside of this shop, preferably in my room princess."

Jungkook gives a sly smirk, turns and walks away to sit back down at his table and you are drenched to say the least. 'Holy shit, what did he just call me?'

You hear the barista call your name and you were so startled by it you jump pulling you out of the trance you were in. You safely put the receipt in your pocket grab your order and before pushing the doors open you take one last glance.

As if making it known to the whole world jungkook was unabashedly smiling at you. Your cheeks turn hot pink and you rush out the door, trying to get yourself together.

------------

You sit at home, lifting the small piece of paper up and staring at it. 'Jungkook', now that you think about it you feel like you have heard this name in small circles around campus but never had the face to put to the devil. This makes you outwardly cringe, scrunching up into a little ball and give a silent scream. From your recollection this man is a catch, THE catch and if you were not mistaken very good in bed.

At that thought you said fuck it, since your ex you haven't even thought of sex or pursued anyone and decided enough was enough. You were getting dick.

[Y/N] 7:56pm

Hey.. it's coffee shop girl

[Jungkook] 8:01pm

Hi baby, did you get curious?

Your heart stops at the nickname, oh fuck he's reducing you to a puddle. You can feel your panties getting uncomfortable and you try and shift to relieve some much needed tension. You take a deep breath and decide to just go for it.

[Y/N] 8:03pm

So what does staring at you in your bedroom entail?

[Jungkook] 8:04pm

Hmm.. well Y/N i could tell you or I could show you?

You were reeling, not even believing it yourself you take a second to calm your nerves. But honestly you couldnt, too high on whatever cloud your are on to still your beating heart. Your pussy clenches around nothing, and you are beginning to pool in your panties, thinking of all the things Jungkook would do to you.. will do to you.

-------

Next thing you know your knocking on his door, in the cold.

Before you left you told your friend where you were going just in case this man was a serial killer. You could never be to careful. Your friend wanted to hear all about it but you have no time for that yet, but definitely over brunch tomorrow.

You hear a click and the door swings open, there stands a man with honey skin and beautiful dark locks, he gives you a bright boxy smile "Hi, can I help you?" You almost trip over yourself when you are greeted by him, too focused on just how handsome he was.

"Um, ya I'm here for Jungkook?"

Just as you asked Jungkook is strolling up to the door and telling his roommate that he's "got it from here". That made you freeze, what have you gotten yourself into? This man was practically a stranger, a stunning one, but a stranger none the less and now your going to let him "take it from here" almost as if you were a plaything.

Jungkook gestures you in and you wave to who you later learned was Taehyung, thanking him for opening the door for you. As you turn to follow jungkook down the hall, your cheeks feel hot, not only about what is going to happen in Jungkooks room but how Taehyung knows exactly why you are here, and you just looked him in the eyes and thanked him.

Jungkook let's you into his room and as you walk in you take a look, it's tidier than you would have thought, there is a light up keyboard and computer in the corner, on top of his desk sits a very expensive DSLR camera, a mic stand just beside the desk and he has purple lights strung up around the walls. Nice touch.

Jungkook closes the door behind you, no turning back now. He looks at you almost as if he were to tear you to shreds. His eyes transition to blown out black as he rakes over your body and you can almost hear your heart thrumming in your ears. He moves closer putting his left hand on the wall, at his bold gesture, you begin to feel overwhelmingly shy.

Coming to a strangers house to fuck? This was not you, you liked to take your time and get to know the person. Maybe a date or two to see what your getting into. Right now you were way out of your comfort zone.

Jungkook pinning you to the door has your eyes looking at your feet, feeling quite nervous, and possibly wanting to flee. Jungkook gently takes his finger and lifts up your chin to meet his eyes. His eyes still blown out with lust but showing a bit more restraint making your heart feel less tight. "Hey baby, it's okay. I've got you, you tell me if this isn't something you want and I'll stop right now."

Your heart sank you didn't want him to feel like he was pressuring you, you wanted this. So bad your pussy is aching for some sort of release. It was all just so new to you, the situation, the man, the way he looked at you like an animal. You shook your head and told him you were okay, not wanting him to stop.

He starts slowly with a quick kiss to the lips, then soon after turning sloppy tasting them and molding to them. He licks your lips so he can explore your mouth. Giving you sloppy wet strokes of his tongue making you weak in the knees.

His hand comes to your hip squeezing and rubbing soft circles, slowly moving higher underneath your shirt. Your lips detach and he licks up your neck, sucking on the flesh that is right underneath your ear. "Fuck baby you have no idea how long I wanted this." He sucks harshly leaving a purple mark with his plush lips, grinding his hips into your core for some sort of friction.

You don't pay his comment much mind as you are way to distracted by his hand cupping your breast and his cock rubbing your clit deliciously. Jungkook gently pinches your nipple and starts playing with your nub expertly twisting and massaging. You let out a soft moan, and jungkook is floored. His erection so hard and uncomfortable in his pants, but he can wait.

Jungkook takes his hand and starts stroking your clothed core with his long fingers, feeling how much you have soaked through your clothes. Feeling how wet you are for him he groans "Does this feel good princess? Do you like when a stranger plays with your pussy?" You moan even louder, no one has talked to you this way and you can't help but feel a new gush of arousal take over.

He quickly picks you up by your bottom and throws you on the bed, "Strip, everything but your panties" there is no hesitation, you fling your shirt off your body undo your bra and shuffle your pants down to the floor leaving only your underwear on.

As you sat there you began to cross your arms over your chest, somewhat embarrassed being mostly naked in front of this man. Jungkook tutted, "Don't be shy princess" jungkook reaches for your wrists and pulls them up over you head pinning them to the headboard while giving you quick kisses to your forehead and jaw. "Don't hide from me, let me see you."

His sweet coos and kisses soothe your heart and you relax more into the position your are in. Jungkook begins to move down your neck with kisses, licks and some biting to stave off his hunger. Seeing you in this position is driving him crazy. You are so cute and shy your soaked pussy waiting for him. From this angle he can see you all hot and flustered trying to hide your face. Jungkook gives a quick smile that you don't see because you are too busy trying to hide from your embarrassment.

Jungkook moves down next to your core playing with the elastic of your panties, taunting you. "Will you be a good girl for me?" His question barely registers in your blown out state but you quietly nod your head. Not being a good enough answer for jungkook he slaps your pussy right on your bundle of nerves. "Use your words, Y/N." The spank sends shock waves throughout your body and has you on high alert. Your walls clenching hard, aching for any type of touch.

"YES, yes, please Jungkook I'll be a good girl" You look him in the eyes and don't want to stop staring at how gorgeous he looks. Sweaty glistening skin, dark hair in his eyes, looking like he could eat you alive.

Never breaking eye contact Jungkook removes his shirt and pants along with his boxers. His cock hitting his stomach with force, hard and angry red. He was so thick and long, you wanted to taste him so bad, swallow his cock full.

Jungkook starts to pump his dick up and down, using his thumb he wipes his slit to cover his length in cum. He leans back down to your soaking core. "Now princess I want you to watch me while I play with your pretty pussy, can you do that for me?"

You look at him with half lidded eyes, feeling like your in a strange head space that you can't describe. But you would do or say anything for him at this moment almost subdued by that fact you know he will take care of you. "yes daddy." Jungkook is surprised to hear that come off your lips but it makes him want to fill you up with cum, make you his.

He notices your shift in expression and realizes you've slipped somewhere, but he decides to save that in the back of his mind, he'll play with that Y/N another day. Right now he just needs to be inside of you.

Jungkook bunches the material of your panties and pulls upward rubbing your aching clit. The friction feels so good and you want to throw your head back and moan but remembering the rules you fix your eyes on jungkook looking pleased at what little he has to do for you to go crazy.

Seeing your perfect clit bulge from your panties being pulled up, jungkook wraps his soft lips around your clothed bundle and starts sucking you, along with long slow languid licks.

You couldn't take it any more, Jungkooks mouth sucking on your clothed clit is visual overboard, you throw your head back and give a loud moan, your clit throbbing feeling so close to cumming.

"Please, kook!"

Jungkook let's go of your panties and pulls them down your legs. He starts rubbing your bundle of nerves in circles and figure eights, earning loud moans from your lips from the new bare sensation. "Please what, princess?"

"I wanna come, please let me cum, jungkook!"

He quickly leans down and strokes his tongue up your slit gathering your juice on his tongue "fuck baby you taste so good", jungkook moves up to your clit, his hot breath ghosting over you making you whine. With a wet and flat tongue jungkook eats you almost like he is a starved puppy, his strong muscle giving you some well deserved attention.

Feeling your stomach coiling you know you are so close, your legs start shaking and your breathing starts to speed up. Your eyes tight ready for what comes next.

Jungkook slips two fingers into your pussy curving them so he hits your spongy g-spot, never stopping his tongue on your clit while he fucks you with his fingers. Suddenly the coil snaps within you and you are seeing stars. Your orgasm has your thighs shaking around jungkooks head and tears begin to slip from your eyes. You throw your head back and let out a deep and long moan. "My princess looks so pretty cumming." You gush all over jungkook tongue and he is happy to lick all of your essence up all up not letting any go to waste.

Jungkook slows his tongue and fingers to help coax you through your orgasm, he gives you a quick kiss to your sensitive clit and gets up to hover over top of you. " You did so well princess, you ready for my cock?"

You give a very enthusiastic nod, tears still streaking down your face from the force of your orgasm. "Yes please, I want your cock daddy."

He strokes his member a few times and starts to press the head of his member in your wet folds moving it up and down your slit soaking his cock. He starts to push in your velvet entrance and you can feel the delicious sting and stretch of him. Half way in jungkook stops to let you get used to his size. Looking at you with your tear stained cheeks his cock twitches and he can hardly control his hips from pounding into your messy cunt.

"Your pussy is so tight princess, were you waiting for my cock?" Jungkook pushes his thick member all the way in your pussy and he let's out a guttural moan. "Fuck baby you feel so good".

You reach out and grab jungkooks shoulders pulling him closer, your face is buried in the crook of his neck both of you hot and sweaty. Jungkook takes advantage of this position and hooks his arms underneath your shoulder blades and grabbing your shoulder from the back giving him excellent grip to thrust deep and hard inside you.

He starts moving slowly but quickly picks up the pace at a bruising speed. Using his arms as leverage to slam into your pussy as he whispers in your ear, "I've been eye fucking you for days princess, did you know that? I've been wanting to fill this pussy up since I saw you and now I have you crying beneath me. Do you like a perfect stranger filling this tight cunt?"

You shiver at his words and feel yourself clenching around him your pussy desperately trying to hold on to his thick cock. You moan loudly and start to produce fat tears rolling down your cheeks.

"Your words, princess."

Jungkook did not say that lightly and you did not want to test his patience in this moment, while you were already in a vulnerable position. "Yes I love a strangers cock in my pussy!"

Jungkook swallows hard at your words and can't believe how well you are doing for him. The shy girl he saw in the coffee shop is saying such dirty things, just for him.

You try and match his speed with your hips but to no avail, your breath hitches every time he thrusts into you leaving you almost breathless. Your orgasm is rising and its almost painful to follow, he hits your g-spot so nicely and he has you crying, tears continue to fall from your eyes and onto the bedsheets. Trying to hold on you reach for his back and start clawing at it. The pain of your nails digging into him. Jungkook let's go of your shoulders and sits up while fucking you, getting a whole new and beautiful view of you crying, and writhing on his cock while he thrusts in your sweet pussy.

Jungkook reaches down to your folds and drags his finger around your arousal and brings it up to your clit. Rubbing harsh circles on your very sensitive bundle. You start to feel the familiar twist in your stomach rise and it has your legs start shaking and your breath becomes shallow. "Come on princess cum all over your daddys cock".

With another thrust of his hips he sends you into your second, back breaking orgasm. In jungkooks eyes you look like art, hair splayed out around you wet from all the tears you were producing, thighs shaking uncontrollably with intense pleasure, and your mind so fucked out and begging to be praised by your daddy after cumming on his cock so well.

You look up at jungkook and his eyes are all over you, watching you become a mess underneath him.

Jungkook not being able to last much longer looks you right in the eyes and grabs your chin. "Look at me in the eyes princess while I fill up your slutty cunt with my cum. Don't you look away, I want you to see how much of a slut your are for me."

Your pussy clenched at his vulgar words and you nod in his hands. You have no choice but to look into his intense dark chocolate eyes. His hips become sloppy and he can feel your pussy throbbing and milking his cock, with a couple more sloppy thrusts he spills into your cunt filling you with warmth, making you feel so full. Jungkook let's out a guttural groan, while looking into you as he claims you as his.

You found your eyes were glued to Jungkook as he came, not being able to look away, seeing his dark eyes swirl with relief and lust, licking his lips and hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. You were completely in awe of him.

Jungkook rests his forehead on yours taking deep breaths until he removes himself from you and gets up to walk away. He comes back with a wet cloth in hand and gently cleans you up. He throws the towel to the side and lays down beside you. You both take a deep breath and look at each other.

"Uhmm, I think I should go." You start to get out of his bed when you feel his hand grab your wrist.

"Stay with me, you don't have to go." Jungkooks words have your heart lump in your throat. You felt embarrassed walking in here for a quickie and afterwards when reality hit you, you felt mortified. But looking into his eyes he was gentle, finding some truth in his words you let him pull you on his his chest to cuddle. Your cheeks burning red at the action but your were admittedly enjoying the feeling of his warmth.

Without realizing how exhausted you had become, your eyes begin to feel heavy. You fall asleep while he strokes your hair, jungkook being left with his thoughts.

'Fuck'

---------------------------------------------------

a/n: Ahh! thank you for making it this far! I had a lot of fun (and difficulty) writing this! It's my first time ever writing a fanfiction so please be kind! Let me know what you think :3

[honesthammie]

Te amo

I am working on a few of the other prompts and a part 2 to prompt 4 the soulmate au I just recently got another puppy and I still have uni work to do so I'm a bit behind schedule with these and I'm so sorry. Hopefully this little kinda songfic makes up for it.

13th doctor x female reader

Warnings: swearing as usual, fluffy, sad thoughts, twist the original songs meaning, long as fuck.

Probably terrible as its my first songfic

I don't know much Spanish so some of the examples later on are Google translated and I know it can be wrong so I do apologise for any mistranslations

This is based off Rhiannas song Te Amo but I'm switching it up a little. I dont why 13th doctor came into my head when I was listening to it but it gave me this lil oneshot idea so enjoy! The picture is not mine but the rainbow effect added is done by me! Same for the picture later on.

I've been travelling with this amazing alien for a whole year now. The adventures are always amazing if she's there! The others sometimes complain and say its boring, especially on a junk planet but to see her face light up with excitement makes my day and it well worth the dirt we cover ourselves on by the time we are done. And when she finds something that she thought was useful and it turns out, it's not her scrunch is amazing.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm in love with this alien. I know, weird, a human and an alien together? But I can't help it! I'm completely besotted with her. If she even looks in my direction, my legs go to jelly and I get butterflies. I know, cheesy. But thats exactly how I feel around her. I barely want to touch her because I nearly fainted the last few times. And I fear she may pick up on how I'm distancing myself from her. I don't want to break her heart and leave, the thought of her look kills me as is so I'm trying to get her to kick me off.

It doesn't seem to be working though. I've been distancing myself since I found out about how I feel, which is now 6 months ago and she's trying to get me to be as close as I was with her.

I'll tell her. On one of our amazing adventures but I can't do it straight forward, it's making me sick with anxiety just thinking about it. I'll fancy it up, make her work it out. Whenever we are next to each other and the moment is right, I'll tell her in another language!

I finally get out of bed after I finished writing in my diary. I slip some comfy clothes on and head out to the TARDIS library and hope no one is there, especially her. I'll be distracted and right now, I need to concentrate. I wonder the warm halls, grateful that the TARDIS had considered my preferences. I think the TARDIS likes me more than the others because I talk to her and show her gratefulness for taking us somewhere amazing and I chat to her regularly and I try to involve her in my conversations. The others find it weird, except for the Doctor, she just smiles and joins in with me. Im still learning how to translate her but I think I've sort of got it.

I reach my hand forward and grab the aged bronze doorknob and open to the giant room. There were so many floors that an elevator had to be used to access some of them as the Doctor said "walking would literally take weeks to reach some floors". Thankfully the TARDIS organises them to make them easier to find. I looked forward and saw an interactive map in front of me. My hands touched the screen and many subjects and categories came up. Anything ranging from kiddie tales to straight up smut, I have a feeling either River or Missy are to blame for that addition.

I've never met them but the TARDIS showed me videos from her database and brought books to my attention about them. They both seem very dirty minded people so I'm not surprised those are there. I wonder if the Doctor has ever stumbled upon this section or is it for none Doctor eyes only? If she does know about them, has she ever read one? No, don't go there you stupid brain! She probably doesn't know!

I quickly stop that train of thought and catch my breath. I've never thought about those kinds of things about anyone before. Stupid Timelord, making me go all weird and think dirty things. Now my face is all red, I really hope I'm alone in here. I quickly focus back to the task at hand, finding a new language to learn. The TARDIS seemed to know where to go and blue arrows appeared, guiding me to the right section in what could be a maze.

As I walking, I felt excitement rise within me. What if she felt the same way? What if she was impressed by how far I wanted to go just to say those 3 words? Would her hazel honey eyes sparkle with delight? Would she scronch her nose in amazement?

Before I knew it, I'd arrived at the language learning section and there were many alien languages but the TARDIS seemed to have a better idea of what would be perfect for me as a white hardback book fell off the 4th shelf onto the wooden floor. I picked it up and noticed how smooth the cover was and how old yet unused it looked. The white was a little off, almost a dull cream from ageing which made the gold writing harder to read. The title was simple:

Spanish basics and need to knows.

I did always find Spanish in school fun to learn, more than French or German anyway and I don't wanna stereotype this into a typical French is the language of romance. I never really found it romantic sounding compared to Spanish.

I picked up the book and quickly flicked through to the right page and took a note on my phone as to what the translation was and put the worn book away. I quietly thanked the TARDIS and rushed out of the library and back into my room where I could practice without getting caught.

A few weeks have passed since I picked up the new words and practiced them until I was confident and had the TARDIS' approval that I was saying it right. Today the Doctor wanted to take us to this party in the 18th century and we all decided to dress for the part once we landed.

Yaz was wearing a beautiful black and red ballroom gown, accented with little bows around the bottom and lace cuffs. She had her black hair curled into a ponytail. It was simple and cute, much like her style normally. Graham and Ryan wore similar suits but Graham wore green accents and Ryan wore yellow accents.

I let the TARDIS pick my dress. She picked a black and dark blue ballroom gown with blue roses on the bottom. It had black lace underneath and blue lace as the cuffs. The gown also seemed to glitter slightly in the light making me sparkle very subtly. I put my comfy boots on as you couldn't see my shoes as I walked anyway so why did it matter? With all the running we do, I'm not risking my ankles with heels, thank you very much. I had my (h/c) hair in (fave style). It suited my dress perfectly.

I nearly choked on oxygen when I saw how hot the Doctor looked in her suit. It took me a few moments to realise we match. We both blushed at the realisation. Of course the TARDIS makes us match! No wonder why she was more than eager to help me pick an outfit! Stupid sentient ship, shipping us already!

I quickly cleared my throat and complimented everyone on how amazing they looked but I just couldn't take my eyes off the Doctor for long. She was like a magnet for my eyes. Someone help before she realises!

"Don't we all look brilliant? Perfect for the party! 18th century Yorkshire to be exact! What a great century for you guys. Now then, this party is for Nobles and higher, as per usual in these times. Ryan, I suggest you keep in mind about any racist comments that may come out. But as long as you say your Graham's personal butler, you should be welcomed with little resistance. And Yaz, I want you to be (y/n)'s personal maid. That does mean you'll have to follow your so called "masters" around and do anything they ask unfortunately and Graham, (y/n), please act like the others around you and use them. Unfortunately this is the only way all 5 of us can join the party. You'll be fine as long as you bite your tongues. Now the Noble Edward Collins is the host so be sure to thank him for inviting you, even though you technically weren't. And try not to get too drunk, I know what you humans are like! Now follow me." The Doctor explained. I was going to tell the Doctor today, but I guess, I'll have to wait.

The Doctor opened the doors and we were in a cupboard under some gorgeous marble stairs. As we walked towards the party I noticed some family portraits along the walls. They were a very beautiful looking family. The mother had long blonde hair and pale blue eyes. The father was buff, long brown hair and daring brown eyes. There were two children, a girl and a boy. The girl had long brown hair and sparkling blue eyes, whilst the son had blonde hair and brown eyes. They also had a brown greyhound dog laying by the sons feet. The son must be the host, Edward. He looked not much older than 10 in the last painting but the daughter was no where to be found in the portrait and theu all looked mournful. Is she dead and is that the picture capturing the moment of grief? Why would anyone want that? It's so strange, even for this time period.

The Doctor held me and Yaz close, stopping us in our tracks. My heart was racing at the simple touch. But as soon as the touch was there, it was gone. "I hope its okay with you (y/n) but you're going to have to be married to someone."

My heart stopped for a moment and I nearly choked on air. "What? Why?"

"Because women like yourself would have been married as young as 13 or 14. Now your only choices are me and Graham. You can't choose Ryan as he's supposed to be a butler and you can't choose Yaz as she's your maid. The choice is yours, I just need to know wether or not I should refer to you as my darling wife or not?"

What. The. Fuck.

Why did her even calling me that l, turn me on? Obviously, I'm going to choose her but I'm going to have to perfect my reasoning here.

"As much as I love Graham, it's going to be awkward if I have to kiss him or anything because he's like my grandad! I guess you'll do Timelord. Come on then husband, we don't want to be late to the dancefloor!" I spoke clearly hoping she didn't notice how excited I actually was to have even a hint of a relationship with her. It may be fake but ill take anything when it comes to her.

We arrived at the welcome committee and handed our cards over, aka the psychic paper. We were going as Mr and Mrs (last name). The Doctor was holding my hand this entire time and it's driving me insane. I don't know if she can feel my racing pulse under her fingers but if she can I hope she puts it down to excitement! We walked down the most grandest staircase you would ever lay your eyes on.

First we walked around, greeting everyone as they came up to us or if she dragged me to someone she knew, but not personally. She was cute when she was fangirling over these people. Yaz found it annoying as she just wanted to party but I couldn't help it. The way her eyes shimmer with recognition was more beautiful than any galaxy she could ever take us. Sometimes her eyes flickered with admiration and it did make me have jealousy for just a moment before I remembered, I'm staying with her and they aren't .

As the party moved on we met the host Edward. He looked a lot different than in his paintings. He was around 20 years old now and his blonde hair was below his shoulders. He looked a lot like his father with his muscley build. And he was very charismatic which I did not like as he poured all his charm into the Doctor. Does everyone here know that he's gay or does he see through the Doctors disguise? Either way, it was rubbing me the wrong way. I quickly excused myself with Yaz and walked into the bathroom.

"I did not like him. I do not like this Edward guy. Something about him rubs me completely wrong. He's handsome but something is telling me he knows the Doctor isn't a man."

"I felt the same way. He knows something we don't. Before we go out there again, do you mind if I ask you a question?" Yaz asked. My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour. She knows. The jig is up with Yaz. "How do you feel about her, honestly? One minute you 2 are inseparable, then you distance yourself and now you are a nervous wreck around her! I won't judge but I just want to make sure my theory is correct."

Shit. I guess I really was obvious. Does she know?

"If your theory is about me falling hopelessly in love with the Doctor then you'd be correct. I can't help it. I'm going to tell her how I feel without being completely stupid. I just need a right moment to say it." I spoke with a heavy sigh. Hopefully, Yaz can help create that moment thay I need. She nods her head and opens the door. We walk back to the Doctor and notice Edward has gone to other guests and she was talking to Graham. I looked around and saw Ryan flirting with a pretty lady near the food table. Why am I not surprised?

A few hours had passed and the Doctor seemed bored with standing and talking so I made a plan in my head. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dancefloor as the next song came on. I didn't quite know how to dance properly but I knew the basics if it. She has to lead and I simply follow suit. It took a few moments but I got the hang of it with the Doctors help. Soon we were dancing so gracefully underneath the most beautiful candelabra that lit up her face perfectly.

Her hair swayed to our perfect dance ever so gently. Her eyes sparkled with amusement and her lips were in a permanent smile. She even laughed a couple of times. Then as the music slowed down to a pace that was perfect, I grabbed her waist and looked her. My heart was going crazy and my legs were about to buckle but I had rehearsed my lines. I can do this.

"Hey Doc. Its been an amazing time with you but I can't continue this without being honest with you. But everytime I get close, I back down in fear. So I'm going to let you figure it out. Doctora te amo. Entiendo que si no sientes lo mismo y me iré si quieres. (Doctor i love you. i understand if you don't feel the same way and i'll leave if you want.)" I spoke with as much passion and intention as I could. I looked into her eyes and saw her confused and trying to work out what I said. I would find it cute if my heart was beating right out of my chest. "Well, I've had a great time but I'm fucking knackered. I'm calling it night. I'll be heading to the TARDIS if you need me."

"I'll come with ya. I'm knackered as well and we both need each other to undo the corsets and mine is starting to hurt a little bit. How we used to do this for a full day, everyday, is beyond my understanding. As beautiful as we look, I don't think its worth the pain this will bring in the morning." Yaz spoke with a slight mumble as proof of her mental state and finishing with a yawn. I chuckled at her state and walked back to the TARDIS with a small amount of chat along the way.

She is right though. These corsets really do hurt you after a while, I'm glad I chose not to wear heels or else I'll be fucked for in the morning. I would literally scream. I think the Doctor had the right idea in wearing a suit, no pain. I do feel bad for leaving her but I just need some space after basically admitting everything that's been built up within me for too damn long. Maybe I should tell Yaz how it went and maybe she can help determine if the Doctor is happy or not.

We walked back into the wardrobe room and I helped Yaz out of her corset. She immediately sighed in relief. She finished getting herself into comfy clothes and started to untie my ribbon.

"So did you tell her?"

"Sort of. I basically told her everything but in Spanish. I just hope it doesn't change anything, except in a positive way, of course! If she wants me gone, I've told her that it's fine and I understand. She's very socially awkward and as cute as I find it, it may not help me in this situation. Do you have any clues on how she may react once she figures it out?"

Yaz stopped untying my corset for a moment and placed 1 finger upon her chin in thought. Her eyes were almost shut and seemed almost completely black in the light. After what seemed like forever, she took her finger off her chin and beamed a toothy smile. Her eyes sparkled as she remembered something and seemed to gleam slightly menacingly. A smirk replaced her smile soon after.

"There's a few times she's shown affection towards you. And I mean romantic affection. She always chooses to hold your hand over anyone else's if given the choice. She always steps I'm front of you when an enemy threatens to kill us all or hurt us in anyway. When you go wandering around on your own, she's terrified thats she's lost you forever to an enemy we don't even know of!" Yaz starts explaining carefully as if she's worried on how to word it.

"Those are just friendly affec-"

"I wasn't done. I was warming up." Yaz interrupts me as I was about to go into a self deprecating speech on how I'm just a friend to everyone and never a lover. "She always looks to see your face on adventures because she secretly loves your reactions, bad or good. When the Master revealed himself, she looked straight at you for support on how she should react. When she came back from the Kasavin, she ran straight to you and made sure you were ok first before any of us. When we were in the Tsungra medical ship, the first person she asked for was you! Whilst she was unconscious on board the ship, she kept mumbling your name, over and over again. When she saw how gorgeous you looked today, I thought she'd take you right there on the spot! She fucking loves you (y/n)! You're just so unbelievably blind to it all!"

Yaz was almost red with rage. Did she really do all that, for me? The TARDIS mustve read my mind and seemed to hum positively in reply. If everything Yaz said is true then she'll be so happy about it and maybe we can be a thing! But then again, maybe losing so many in a similar position as me will turn her away. Maybe her soul is awry and she's asking why right now.

Once I had gotten changed I went to sleep almost straight away, I suppose all that dancing and social ques having tired me out more than I thought.

I woke up to a soft knock on my door. I rubbed my (e/c) eyes and told them I'd be a few minutes as I've only just woken up. It wasn't until I finished brushing my (h/c) hair that I remembered what happened yesterday. All the panic rushed within me at once and I nearly threw up. I took several deep breaths and opened the door.

"GRAHAM THANK FUCK ITS YOU!" I almost shouted at him. He looked a little bewildered for a moment before he seemed to remember what brought him here in the first place.

"Hello Love, I'm here because Doc wanted to speak with you privately in the library. She says that the TARDIS will guide you to her location. She seemed a little off after you and Yaz left. Did something happen? Is everything ok?" Graham asked cautiously. He must be so confused.

"Sort of. I'll explain more when I get back but what do you mean by "a little off"?"

"Well she seemed lost in all sense of the word. She kept muttering "Te Amo" all the time. She was all over the place aswell. She got me and Ryan back here not long after you guys. Something about not trusting Ryan to not get alcohol poisoning without her around. She hasn't really left the library since if I'm honest. She's been in there for 12 hours. I only know she wants you because she whattsapped me on my phone. Whatever is going on, please sort it out, she's starting to really worry me. She hasn't been the same since that Master guy came around." Graham spoke clearly, albeit confused. I nodded my head and walked in the opposite direction to him and hoped the TARDIS would take me there quicker than normal. I want to treat this like a plaster, rip it off in one go.

Sooner than I realised, I grabbed the all too familiar door knob of the library. I took a deep breath and walked in. A blue line appeared towards the interactive map. I awakened the console and I saw a black screen with a few words on it. It looked like a message with how it was presented.

Hello (y/n)! Don't walk until you calm. Breath deeply and try not to panic. I promise you, all will work out in the end. I see more than you realise and I know my thief better than anyone whoever stepped foot into my being. I know of her main problem about the situation. If she loves you, drink this. It won't hurt, she'll know what it is.

The TARDIS

I should have been surprised by this new knowledge that she could speak to me, in a way, but I've seen so much and I am so tender hooks so I didn't take much notice of it. I quickly sat down and tried to control my breathing. After about 5 or so minutes, I felt calm enough to finally meet up with her and hear what she has to say.

I followed the blue line carefully until I spotted her in a comfy room. She mustve gotten changed at some point as she was wearing her usual rainbow outfit, minus the jacket. She was sat on a deep purple sofa, legs curled into her body. Her shoes were on the carpeted floor underneath her, seemingly forgotten for the moment. There were many books surrounding us from many cultures and spieces. One wall had a cozy wood burning fireplace crackling within the silence that surrounded us.

Her face was scrunched within deep thought. Her eyes sparkling with an emotion that I couldn't quite put my finger on; hope, sorrow or excitement? Her lips had a small smirk gracing them and her teeth had bitten a small part of it. Her hands were holding a book in a way where I couldn't quite see what it was.

I didn't want to disturb her as she looked so ethereal with the warm glow of the fire highlighting her in the perfect way. Unfortunately, it's plaster time and I wanted this sorted sooner rather than later. I took a deep breath took in the picture for memory.

"Hey, Graham said you wanted to talk to me? Is everything ok?" I asked gently and as softly as I could so she was carefully brought out of her little world. I didn't want to scare her. She raised her eyes from her book for a moment and bookmarked the page she was at with a little TARDIS paperclip. She placed the book on the table at the side of her and patted the seat next to her.

As I sat down my nerves were through the roof. She gave nothing away as she stared at me for a minute, as if assessing something about me.

"Why are you so nervous? Calm down. You are right, It is to do with last night. You left pretty abruptly after basically confessing your feelings to me. I was so confused, not just about what you said but about myself and what I wanted to do about you." The Doctor spoke monotonously. Did she mean get rid of me? "I had to first of all, find out what you said, well done on learning a new language by the way, one even I'm not fluent at. I'm guessing the old girl had something to do with that idea. Not that, you aren't smart enough but you don't know what languages I do or don't know."

The Tardis seemed to chuckled at the accusation and I simply nodded my head. "I wanted to buy myself time and to impress you."

"You impressed me a long time ago Miss (l/n). That is just a cherry on top. After I figured out what you said, no thanks to my old friend here, I went through a lot of thinking. I've not been in many relationships and you know my history regarding the ones I have been in. You know, River and Missy? And I have such a bad past with it ending in nothing but tears for me. I always lose those I care for deeply." She spoke with tears spilling from her gorgeous eyes. I grabbed her face gently and wiped away the stray tears that managed to escape their home.

"That was when you were a man. You're a woman now, everything is so different. Relationships can be heartbreaking. I know what you're main problem is and the TARDIS has a solution to that. I just need you to tell me the truth. How do you feel about me? Do you want me to stay or not?" I stated holding the small shot glassed amount of liquid in my hand. The liquid was golden and sparkled slightly in the light. There were specks of orange and silver within it and it was as hot as a nice cup of (hot drink). Her eyes sparkled with hope and shock. Her lips were smiling wide. And she seemed to giggle at the sight of it. She held it for a moment as if examining it like a rare artefact, maybe it was. Either way, I trust her judgement and if she's happy about it, then so am I. Once she had analysed the drink, she practically leapt into my arms and pushed me down on my back. She smelled of custard creams and the TARDIS which was odd but completely her and I couldn't imagine her smelling any other way.

"That does solve our problem! What she has just given you is the rarest liquid in the universe seeing as only one thing in the entirety of space can produce it. That drink is known as the nectar of the chosen ones. It's rare as the race that used to make them has practically gone extinct. There's only 3 left in the known universe and you're living in one. That drink is the blood of the TARDIS. It grants you immortality if you drink it. It is said to resemble your favourite beverage no matter who you are. However, it only lasts 100 years and you must drink it every century or else your body clock will kick in and you will age and be as mortal as you are now." She speaks with a warning as we sit up holding holds.

"I have no problem with that. I would sacrifice everything if it meant I got to call you mine. Just please tell me and I'll drink it." I told her with adoration in my eyes.

She held me close and planted a soft and gentle kiss to my lips. It was short but it sent more fireworks than you can imagine through my body. I knew I had found her. She grabbed my waist and whispered next to my ear:

"Te Amo"

[adramaticbeauty]

Fairies and Dragonflies- Part 6 Unsettling Past

Gray couldn't get the words out of his head. The words that Juvia uttered so sweetly, but stabbed him slowly in his heart. When was the last time he actually heard something so harsh? He was Gray Fullbuster, rich enough to buy what ever he desired. So why did it matter what that minx thought? It was honestly insulting that she even thought she could reject him like that. Not the way she did it, honestly it was disrespectful to his reputation as the woman handler of the Dragonflies. There were plenty of women way more beautiful and even more alluring than Juvia, so he shouldn't even have wasted his time.  If he truly thought this though, why exactly was he sitting at a fancy restaurant with a lady, thinking so much about her? The red haired woman dangling her fork lazily over her food, and red lipstick delicately applied to her plump lips was sitting across from him.

"Ummm, Mr.Fullbuster are you ok?" She blinked in concern. Gray immediately snapped back into reality and quickly put on his dazzling smile he always used to make women's hearts melt in an instant. She smiled bashfully as you could see the subtle blush on her face, the red curls covering her face starting to match her cheeks.

"I'm just so dazed by your beauty that I couldn't think straight, Alison." Gray slipped out.

The furious blush on her face proved exactly what he always thought. Girls were so easy to understand, and all of them thought the same. That's why he could get whatever girl he wanted with a snap of his fingers.

"Oh, Mr.Fullbuster please... you're making me blush." She purred as she carefully touched his hand on the table, and Gray felt her slowly wrap her leg around his under the table.

If this was any other day, Gray would already be feeling excited but sadly the excitement never came. Even as they made it into his apartment, stumbling from all the drinks and tripping over things he just didn't feel anything. Like he was back to his regular routine.

He laid in bed, with the woman sleeping soundly beside him. He couldn't help but feel unhappy, or should he say unsatisfied with his life. Was that all their was too it? Just spending the night with different women he didn't even bother to get to know and making his music? Was there even anything else besides that, ever since he lost his mother and father? And Ur...The only thing he worried about at first was making it big so he could survive and keep living. But was this truly all to living, when his heart craved something more? He didn't know what, but he knew by now listening to his heart was asking for trouble. Or pain and he couldn't deal with any more of that, not again.

As he closed his eyes, he felt all these conflicting emotions in his heart beginning to fade along with his thoughts. He always felt most at peace when his mind was at rest. Free from the drama and free from the life of Gray Fullbuster.  And he didn't think he would ever be able to be just  Gray around anyone. Until he dreamt of her, and it was ironic considering he dreamt of another woman while he was lying in the bed with another.

But it felt so real, like he could just reach out and touch the silky blue hair, so blue like the ocean, he was convinced he would drown in it. And then the atmosphere suddenly turned ice cold, making him suddenly feel unsettled. Everywhere he turned he was met with the familiar sight of snowflakes falling from the darkened sky. The cool whiteness covering his sight from any other background. All of a sudden he was met with a warm pair of black coal eyes that stared right into his soul, and into his heart. Ur, it must have been. Right into his dream those eyes that were full of so much admiration ever since she took care of him all those years ago. Those eyes that were once full of so much love, but were now dead cold and without life.

Gray woke up in a cold sweat, almost falling out of his bed if he didn't catch himself. His bed was now cold and empty, and messy from his tossing and turning. He hoped that he didn't say anything he might have regretted while he was having his nightmare. He would never forgive himself for being so weak in front of a woman if that was the case. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he picked up his phone to look at the time. He took a deep breath to calm himself but quickly sucked a breath back in. He was late. Again.

He would never live this down from the boys and Gray mentally facepalmed, already imagining the lecture he would get from Jellal. He tumbled out of the bed almost, as he slipped on pants and  the first shirt he could grab from his closet. He rushed to put on his shoes until he noticed a cup of  coffee on his glass kitchen table with a note beside it. Have a good day at work Gray<3. He couldn't help but smirk, even when he was running late.

Alison was always pretty thoughtful, even if she was really a fuck buddy and he using her only for company sometimes. And too bad he hated coffee. The ride to the band practice building was a hectic one. The traffic almost made him pull out his raven hair, especially when he was already late. But at least he had a bit of an excuse for being late now, that wouldn't be an exact lie. When Gray finally made it across the street he didn't even bother putting his vehicle into the private parking garage like he always did and just drove to pull up in front of the building. And what Gray saw was chaos.

Absolute chaos, and as soon as he was spotted, there was no going back. Everyone spotted his famous black and Gray sports car and it was unmistakably the famous Gray Fullbuster's vehicle. Thankfully there were bodyguards to make a path for him to get inside the building with all the chaos going on. Now Gray regretted not having a driver. But they did always cramp his style. Gray took a deep breath as he stepped out of his car and unto the path into the building. All he could see was flashes of cameras and hear  jumbling of questions. He could barely make it to the door without the crowds of reporters tearing him to pieces, but when he did he hurried inside. Once inside he spotted Jellal with a serious and somewhat worried face staring down at a newspaper. Gajeel was sitting down as normal tuning his guitar, but a thoughtful look on his face. Nastu had a bored look on his face as usual.

"So tell me why we can't go and talk to the paparazzi Jellal? Obviously they want to talk to me." Nastu commented with a groan afterward. Gajeel couldn't help but growl and put in his two cent.

"They aren't here for you idiot. And we can't say anything to the paparazzi without figuring out the situation first. And that starts with this fucking douche."

He suddenly turned his steely eyes to Gray, and he couldn't help but feel a bit afraid for a second.

"What the hell is going on outside?? Why is the paparazzi practically breaking down the doors to the building?"

Jellal took a big sigh and walked over to hand Gray the newspaper that hadn't left his hands ever since he walked in. Then he met Gray's eyes with a stern look.

"You deserve us all an explanation. Now."

 Gray was about to raise his voice and question why the hell everyone was jumping on his case, before his eye caught a familiar look on the newspaper. It showed a picture, and not just any picture. It was of Gray and Juvia, walking together.

The only thing Gray could muster was an ,"Oh shit."

Gray and Juvia were seen together on their date.

Note: Last chapter: Part 5 https://adramaticbeauty.tumblr.com/post/189410081835/gruvia-band-au-part-5

Part 4 :https://adramaticbeauty.tumblr.com/post/188806970725/gruvia-band-au-part-4

Part 3: https://adramaticbeauty.tumblr.com/post/187638388485/gruvia-band-aupart-3-warning-some-of-this-might

Part 2 :https://adramaticbeauty.tumblr.com/post/187483175670/gruvia-band-au

Part 1:

https://adramaticbeauty.tumblr.com/post/187436745130/gruvia-band-au

[d-noona]

MAKE OVER

Chapter 7: Fairy God Mommy

Jung Hoseok x Reader

Reader as Kang Hyeonji

SUMMARY: When Kang Hyeonji transformed herself into a striking redhead, the entire male population of Seoul stood up and took notice. But her make over was for Jung Hoseok’s benefit alone. He began to show interest in the new look but not in the way she wanted. Suddenly he was over-protective, perhaps a little jealous. It seemed that the idea of having a relationship with her couldn’t be further from his mind. The girl however wants more. So it was time for an ultimatum. If Hoseok didn’t want Hyeonji to lose her virginity to another admirer, he had no option but to make love to her himself.

After that nothing could have made Hyeonji happy, not even when Mrs. Jung returned with her still apologetic mother in tow. Amazingly, Zil was thrilled by the idea of becoming Mrs Jung's cleaner, then estatic when Hoseok explained his refinancing offer.

"Isn't that wonderful news Hyeonji?" Her mother exclaimed. "Now we wont have to have a stranger in the house. And you'll have money for yourself for a change."

Hyeonji smiled and said yes, it was wonderful. She smiled all through lunch and laughed when the four of them moved Mrs Jung's living room furniture to new spots, then have to move everything back again to their original places when the end result did not please Mrs Jung's creative eye.

No one would have guessed how wretched Hyeonji felt. She was a past master at hiding her feelings, especially around Hoseok. But her heart grew heavier as the hours passed. By afternoon tea, she was exhausted with the emotional strain of pretending to be bright and breezy when inside she was shattered. Hoseok's getting back with Tinashe the following Sunday was the final straw.

His eagerness for their reconciliation had been palpable, his body language reeking of sexual frustration as he'd spoken of his time away from Tinashe. He could not wait to jump back into bed with her. Hyeonji could no longer fool herself. Any attention he'd been giving her had been the result of his boredom, not because of any suddenly selfless maturity.

"You won't forget about the refinancing," she reminded him stiffly when it came time for them to leave.

"Not at all. In fact, your mom is going to provide me the relevant papers this very afternoon. I'll collect them shortly, Zil, and have Sejin get onto it first thing this week, then I'll bring up whatever needs to be signed next Saturday." As Hoseok elaborates what he plans to have his secretary do.

"You coming home next Saturday, are you?" Hyeonji asked with a weary resignation. Normally, the thought of Hobi being around thrilled her to pieces. Now there was no pleasure in the news, only the cynical thought that of course he was coming home. Had nothing better to do till Sunday, did he?

"Yes, I've been invited to speak at a local business awards dinner on Saturday night. I'm also presenting the prizes" he says.

"How nice." Hyeonji answers blandly.

"Why don't you take Hyeonji, Hoseok?" His mother suggested. "The invitation says "and partner"."

Hoseok's instant frown was enough to turn Hyeonji off the idea, despite her stupid heart giving one last feeble leap. His eyes turned her way then travelled slowly over her. She could actually see his brain ticking away. Dear old Hyeonji doesn't look half bad now. She wouldn't be an embarrassment to take, not like she would have been a week ago.

"Would you like to go?" He asked her. "It's a black tie, so you'll need a dinner dress."

Hyeonji steeled herself to do the one thing she'd thought she would never do. Reject the man she loved. "Thank you Hobi," she said with superb indifference, "but I have other plans for next Saturday night."

His brown eyes instantly clouded a small stab of triumph lifted her spirits momentarily., quickly followed by a much stab of despair. Tears threatened and she just had to get out of there. Panic had her glancing around for her mother. "Ready to go home Mum?" She asked, determined to keep up the false gaiety to the bitter end. "I have quite a bit to do before the working week starts tomorrow."

"My working week starts tomorrow too, doesn't it Mrs Jung?" Zil returned happily.

"Indeed it does."

"Thank you so much," Zil went on, clasping her neighbor's hands with her own with rather touching gratitude. "For lunch. And...and everything."

Mrs Jung smiled and patted Zil's hands. "It's I who's grateful. I've found myself a wonderful cleaner and a new friend as well. See you in the morning Mrs Kang."

"And I'll be seeing you later Mrs Kang!" Hoseok called out as Hyeonji shepherded her mother out of the house. "To get those papers."

"What nice people they are," Zil said on the short way home. "And wasn't it kind of Hoseok to help us out with that money business?"

"Yes, it was." Hyeonji admitted, but tight-lipped.

A silence descended between the two women as they made their way inside, but Hyeonji could feel her mother watching her.

"Why didn't you say yes when Hoseok asked you to go out with him?" Zil asked once they were safely alone in the kitchen. "It...it wasn't because of what I said earlier, was it? About not being...well...pretty enough for him? Because that's not true, Hyeonji. You're plenty pretty enough. And he really likes you. I can see that now. He could hardly take his eyes off you all over lunch, and then later he..."

"Oh Mum, please," Hyeonji begged. "You don't have to lie. You were right the first time."

"No, darling. I wasn't. I was wrong. Very wrong. And I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself. I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was afraid. Yes, afraid." She repeated when Hyeonji's eyes widened. "Afraid some man would snap you up, looking as you do now, and I'd be left all alone in this world."

"But today opened my eyes there's Mrs Jung, a widow like myself, but she doesn't sit around feeling sorry for herself. Besides her writing, she plays golf and bingo and bridge. And she doesn't tie that boy of hers to her apron-strings, either. I can see its up to me to make something of my life for myself. I know becoming a cleaner isnt much but at least I'm good at it, and it's a start. I might even go to that hair dresser of yours with some of my cleaning money and become a blonde!"

"Oh Mum!" Hyeonji exclaimed, a burst of very real joy dragging her heart back out of the doldrums. "You've no idea how happy you made me, hearing you say that."

"Do you forgive me for saying those awful things to you, my dear? I didn't mean them, you know."

Hyeonji couldnt help but relent. "Of course, I forgive you," she said gently. "I love you Mom."

"Oh Hyeonji," her mother crude, and threw her arms around her daughter.

Unfortunately , it was not the best of time for Hyeonji to be hugged. Her mother's display of affection tipped her over the edge on which she'd been balancing for several hours., splintering the brittle control which she'd been holding in her misery. Her shoulders began to shake as sobs racked her whole body. "Oh my daughter," her mother groaned, and hugged her even more tightly. "Dont cry, darling. Please dont cry. Oh, you make me feel terrible. If only I hadn't said those awful things, you would have probably gone out with Hoseok when he asked you. It's my fault!"

"No, it isn't," Hyeonji sniffled when she at last pulled out of her mother's arms. "Hoseok only asked me out because Tinashe's trying to prove some point or other and she's refused to have anything to do with him for a month. But come next Sunday they'll be back together again, as thick as thieves. Who knows? If she plays her cards right he might even ask her to marry him."

"What rubbish!" Her mother pronounced firmly, startling Hyeonji. "Hoseok is not in love with that flashy bit of goods. No man in love with one girl looks at another girl as he looked at you today."

Hyeonji was dumbfounded. "But I...I didn't notice him looking at me in a special way..."

"Then you're as blind as he is, my girl. You made a big mistake refusing to go out with him next Saturday night. Now listen here; when he comes over to pick up those papers, you tell him you've changed your mind and you'd like to go after all."

"But...but..." Hyeonji stammered.

"NO buts. You said he's not getting back with that Tinashe till Sunday. Make the most of what time you have!" Zil pushed Hyeonji with both her arms on her waist.

"I was just going to say I don't have anything to wear," Hyeonji smiled weakly.

"Well, that's easily fixed."

"How? Hoseok's accountant can't get us anymore money immediately. And I'm not taking the cleaning money you earn, Mom. No way. One hundred dollars wouldnt be nearly enough anyway," she added with a sad sigh. "A dinner dress, complete with shoes and bag doesn't come cheap these days."

"Would five hundred dollars do?"

"Five hundred! But where?... I mean..." Hyeonji surprised at her mother.

Zil smiled her pleasure at her daughter's surprise. "You're not the only one who has rainy-day money stashed away, my girl. Come this way."

Hyeonji followed, fascinated, while her mother led her upstairs and into the master bedroom where she proceeded to lift up the mattress and draw out a battered brown paper envelope. She opened the flap and tipped the contents out onto the patchwork quilt. Notes of all sizes fluttered down, mostly fives, tens and twenties.

"I used to hide this is an empty washing powder box in the laundry when your father was alive. But now its safe enough out here. I know there's at least five hundred dollars, maybe more." She gathered the money up and pressed them into Hyeonji's hands. "I want you to buy yourself a dress which will knock Hoseok's eyes out!"

Hyeonji hated the wild rush of elation ehich flooded her heart, for she feared she was setting herself up for a disaster of monumental proportions. No matter what her mother said and no matter what dress she brought, how could she seriously compete with Tinashe? It was like comparing a nice little house wine with a top brand french champagne. Tinashe's extravagant self fizzed sparkled. She was special-occassion lady whereas she, was the common, everyday, value for money variety.

When Hoseok looked at her he only ever saw a familiar face. And everyone knew what familiarity bred. Contempt. Never chemistry.

Or was that how he'd seen her in the past? Dared she hoped that her new look had evoked a new appreciation? Hyeonji had told the truth when she'd said she hadn't notice Hoseok looking at her differently today. But after his news about Tinashe she'd been too upset to notice anything, and had avoided Hoseok's eyes as much as possible.

Could her mother's observations possibly be correct, or was she just trying to make her daughter feel better? She'd been guilty over her earlier less than generous remarks. Hyeonji didn't want to keep her hopes up. And yet, something was stirring within her soul. Something she'd never felt before. Something rather wicked.

Tinashe had called her a sly piece. Maybe she was right, Hyeonji thought with a steeling of her spirit. Because I am not going to go quietly, Tinashe, darling. Neither am I going to let you have Hoseok back without a fight. Come Saturday night, I'm going to use every female trick in the book.

The trouble was...she hadn't read that particular book yet. She would have to depend on her feminine instinct. The front doorbell ringing startled both of them. "That'll be Hoseok," Zil said urgently. "Now drop that money and go down and talk to him while I get those papers he wants. Tell him you've changed your mind about Saturday night, and ask him what time he wants you ready by. Be cool, though. Not overly eager."

Hyeonji shocked at her mother "Mum, you sneaky thing!"

"Well there is no point in being easy. Any girl who looks as good as you do can pkay a little hard to get. Besides, men never want what they think they can have, gratis. They like a bit of a challenge."

Hyeonji went down stairs shaking her head. Who would have believed that within her own shy reserved mother lurked the makings of a femme fatale? Heaven knew what would happen if the Kang widow became a blonde!

Hyeonji summoned up a pleasant smile to answer the door, resolving to watch this time for any sign that Hoseok looked at her differently in any way.

"Hello there again," she said. "Mum wont be a minute with those papers. Look, about next Saturday night Hobi, that was rude of me to dismiss your very nice invitation out of hand. I know what its like to go to these things alone..."

She didn't actually, because she's never been to an awards dinner. But Hyeonji had never lacked imagination. Just think of all those times Hosoek had made lover to her in her mind. Unfortunately, she began thinking of one those times right at this moment. It was her favorite scenario where Hoseok was concerned. He would bring her home to this door after a serious date and there would be much kissing and panting on the front porch. When she finally unlocked the door, he would push her inside, then scoop her up into his arms and carry her upstairs to her room where a three-foot bed was no barrier to true love.

Her mouth dried as she thought of their naked bodies blended tightly, writhing together. Her brown eyes glittered as they began unconsciously to rove over the object of her desire. Before they reach his waist, Hyeonji swallowed then cleared her throat. "Er...could I possibly change my mind and say yes?"

He stiffened. He actually stiffened. Why?

"Is there a problem with that?" She asked airily, even while her heart was thudding. He stood there frowning at her. The atmosphere on that doorstep was suddenly charged with a quite alien tension. Hyeonji didnt know what to make of it except that she found herself holding her breath.

"Hobi?" She choked out.

He seemed to have to shake himself to answer her. "No." He muttered. "No problem. I'll look forward to it."

Hyeonji had to be careful not to let all her breath out of her lungs in a rush. "Fine," she said with a small smile. "Well, where is this dinner and what time should I be ready?"

"Its being held down at the League's Club, in the Admiral's Quarters. The dinner starts at eight. Pre-drinks at seven thirty. I'll pick you up at...say...seven?"

Hyeonji nodded "I'll be ready. And thanks again for helping us with the finance business."

"My pleasure." He answered.

But it didn't look as if it was his pleasure. Not at all. He hadn't smiled once since she'd opened the door. Hyeonji could not make head or tail of his mood, except that it was obvious he had mixed feelings about taking her to that dinner.

She prayed his reluctance was because he'd begun to feel things for her which he found confusing, and not because Tinashe might get jealous if she ever found out. Her mother's arrival at that point steered the conversation to a less stressful grounds. Hoseok left a couple of minutes later and as Zil closed the front door she threw Hyeonji a questioning glance. "Well? What happened? You both seemed tense when I came down."

Hyeonji shrugged. "I don't really know. I told him I changed my mind about the dinner, and he agreed to take me, but not with great enthusiasm. To be honest, I think it worried the heck out of him."

"Well that's better than indifference, Hyeonji."

Nodding her head Hyeonji agreed "That's what I was thinking."

Zil patted her daughter's back "Only time will tell."

Chapter 08

Masterlist

[gwentoryfics]

TMI: all of my female friends and me included have a hard time reaching an orgasm while sleeping with someone for the first few times, especially if there's not much foreplay or clit stimulation during sex. I know that there's women out there who reach their orgasms easily and just through penetration, but the majority of women I know can't, and especially not when they don't know a dude. It takes a lot for me to cum and trust plays a big role in it so I can't relate to most orgasms sadly lmao

anonymous said: I dont know if this falls under unrealistic smut but somehow every fictional virgin girl has a mind blowing orgasm when she loses her virginity. Most girl friends I talked to were very tense and said it was super awkward and they didn’t even come close, and even the ones who said that it was a nice experience did not cum for the first few times they had sex.

anonymous said: This isn’t a pet peeve or a turn off but sadly I can’t relate to overstimulation or multiple orgasms. When I have an orgasm and I start to come down again, I don’t want anything or anyone near my clit for at least 20 minutes. It’s actually really painful if someone touches my clit before it calmed down again. So yeah, also TMI but 🤷🏻‍♀️ lol

First of all, thank you anons for reaching out about this topic. I think it’s a natural point of conversation when talking about smut writing, and I love that the three of you are willing to share your experience. Thank you for that. 💕

I agree on all of these points. Women statistically have a MUCH harder time orgasming from penetration alone, and trust is an important factor in the whole experience. First times are usually not great because of nerves, so it’s definitely unrealistic when a first-time smut scene is full of mind-blowing orgasms. And a lot of people get incredibly sensitive after an orgasm, and so just one is plenty. I have a similar experience with all three of those things!

WARNING: nice long post under the cut about my experience with orgasms. Just sharing my personal experience because I think it’s important to talk about, even though it’s something I’ve felt a lot of embarrassment and shame about for a long time. 

basic tl;dr - I’ve had trouble with orgasming for years for a number of reasons, and because of my anxieties about sex I use smut writing as an escape, and as a way to vicariously live out my desired sex life through my characters.

Let me start off by sharing that I’m currently 25, turning 26 in a few months. I started becoming sexually active around 14, but I didn’t have penis-in-vagina sex until I was 16. I think that time range is important to understand.

So all in all, I’ve been active for about 10-11 years. I’ve been touched with the goal of orgasm by six different people (plus another long-distance partner who never actually touched me, but Skype/phone sex is a thing). Across all of that, I’ve had probably less than 10 orgasms when a partner is involved, and all of those orgasms have only happened with the same person - my current boyfriend. That’s a lot of years and a lot of sex for a handful of orgasms.

I had my first orgasm when I was 19. I didn’t know my body could do that. I went to college and bought my first vibrator, and it gave me the tiniest little orgasm. I wasn’t even sure that it had really happened. But it did and I was just like, “Oh. Neat.” Not even close to mind-blowing.

Since then, I’ve been able to give myself much better and stronger orgasms, but the vast majority of the time I’m able to orgasm only if a vibrating/sucking toy is involved (oml my sucking toy is my absolute favorite, I highly recommend). Rarely, my hands are good enough. The first orgasm I ever had with a partner and without a toy happened just over two years ago, and that was the night I discovered that I enjoy riding my boyfriend’s face lol.

I’m sure most of us are aware of the statistics surrounding female orgasms - how we generally have a lot more trouble reaching orgasm than males for a variety of reasons. This is a very real thing and I know I’m not alone in struggling with this.

Personally, I think my struggle comes from my anxious personality. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform during sex, to make sure that I look good and sound good and appear attractive to my partner. I think that probably comes from the fact that I started looking at porn when I was twelve. It seemed to me like there was a way that sex was supposed to happen, and a way that females were supposed to be during sex. So I tried my best to make sure my partners always saw me in that light - even to the point of faking orgasms left and right to make the boys feel better about themselves.

It was easier & less scary to just fake it than it was to explain that I didn’t really feel anything. I figured that me putting up with a lack of orgasms was better than the blow they’d take to their egos if I told them I wasn’t into what was happening. Even worse - I was afraid that if I told them I wasn’t feeling anything, they’d think there was something wrong with me. 

So let’s see… I faked my first orgasm when I was 16. Not sure if I did it the day I had sex for the first time, but it definitely started with that partner. Four partners & five years later, I was forced to stop. My faking had gotten out of control, to the point where if I wasn’t faking multiple orgasms every single time we had sex, my boyfriend thought I wasn’t enjoying myself. And then he started to doubt that I could even orgasm so frequently, and he confronted me about it. I decided to be honest, thinking that it was finally time for me to own up and try to reclaim my sexuality for myself.

He was insecure. I was insecure. He was upset that I had lied for so long, and I was upset that he wasn’t more understanding about it. We almost broke up, but we didn’t.

That was the summer of 2015. He and I are still together and have been dating for over six years now, and I love him more than anything. But the years of pressure and faking have seriously messed with me and most of the time I struggle to even want sex because I have so much anxiety about it. We’ve gone through a lot of dry spells while I’ve tried to work my shit out, and it’s a process. I’m trying to be more confident about sex and comfortable with whatever my body wants or needs in order to feel pleasure - and COMMUNICATING those things, that’s probably the hardest part. I totally clam up when I should be able to easily tell the love of my life what he can do to drive me wild.

Fuck anxiety, man.

And there are certainly other things that have played into my overall sex anxiety, like all the negative messages I received from my parents, schooling, and peers about sex, and the incredible fear I have surrounding getting pregnant or contracting STIs. Above all, the fear of judgment reigns supreme, and it has gotten in the way of so many aspects of my life - sexuality included.

This is probably way more than I actually needed to share, but this is all so that I can rationalize the way that I write.

I understand how difficult it is for a lot of women to reach orgasm frequently, and I know firsthand the shame and disappointment that can come from a lack of orgasm. For such a long time, I’ve felt like my body is broken. Like no one would be interested in putting in the time and encouragement I need to make an orgasm happen. 

That’s not the story I want to write.

For me, the sex scenes I write are a fantasy. It’s a wonderful picture of what I want my sex life to be like. I want positivity, I want orgasms, I want to be wild with lust for another person. Yes, those things can sometimes border unrealistic (still kind of cringing over the fact that I included squirting in HFT), but that’s what makes it fun for me. It’s an escape. 

I’ve toyed with writing a realistic virgin smut scene that doesn’t include a female orgasm, but I just don’t want to (don’t worry, anon, I know that you’re not actually asking me to do that). I don’t want to try to navigate the character’s emotions/thoughts when she doesn’t have an orgasm. I’ve already done that FOR YEARS in real life, and it’s been nothing short of painful and upsetting.

That’s just not something I can make myself do, no matter how realistic it is for the majority.

I want to write characters who are comfortable with their bodies, and partners who are fully invested in making it a shared experience. It feels like if I write about it enough, I can eventually make that my reality. 

I won’t apologize for writing an unrealistic number of female orgasms in my stories (and I don’t think that any of the anons here are asking for an apology, anyway). I will continue to write frequent orgasms with the hope that all of you lovely ladies out there will understand that YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO ORGASM. Your orgasm is not less important than your partner’s orgasm. ESPECIALLY with heterosexual sex - his cum is not the goal. It’s a shared experience, and you should get just as much pleasure from it. You’re allowed to want that, pursue that, demand that.

If you struggle with orgasms, it’s okay. You’re not broken. Bodies and minds are complicated. There’s nothing wrong with you. 

And please, I beg you - don’t start faking. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s an injustice to both you and your partner to lie about your experience. If I had talked honestly with my partners about this, I could have reached a more positive place in my sexuality a lot sooner. Just try to be open with your partners, and if that’s a difficult thing for you to do, then try to think about why that might be the case.

I know I just threw a lot out there. But I want you all to know that my blog is a safe space and you all are absolutely more than welcome to reach out to me at any time if you want advice or validation, or if you just need to share your experience with someone. If you want to ask questions about my experiences, ask away. I’ll be an open book for you all so that we can try to normalize having healthy conversations about sex.