#if you don't understand this look up the hanky code

[pineapple-coffee]

Unfit To Lead: Thoughts On Growing Up, Queer History, And Feeling Unprepared

A short essay, written by Elliott (@pineapple-coffee, aka me)

(As context, I am a bisexual, genderqueer/gender questioning individual. I use they/she pronouns.)

In every community, there are elders. These elders pave the pathway for the generations that come after them—creating literature, sharing stories verbally, and educating the new generations on history and culture. Elders are essential beings in all communities, and their presence cannot be understated. Without those who came before us, history is lost, and the new generations, who will one day teach others, will have nothing to go on.

So what do you do if your elders died in the AIDS epidemic of the 80s? What do you do when queer history is often so underrepresented, so rarely accessible without proper guidance? Where do you go from there?

That's not to imply that there aren't elders. I know a man online named Ian—early 20s, not quite "old"—who taught me about queer cowboy culture, both of the Old West and of the modern day. Through video essays and documentaries, I learned about the true lives of notable figures, such as Oscar Wilde and Eleanor Roosevelt, instead of their more sanitized media portrayals. Thanks to queer artists and educators on social media, I proudly display a sticker of a green carnation on my laptop, still using it as a queer signaling device even over 120 years after Wilde's death. But most of the elders that I've looked up to online have two things in common: they're younger—typically between 21 and 40—and I know them only online. Rarely in my life have I physically met a queer person over the age of fifty. Only one person immediately comes to mind.

This came to a panicky culmination a few weeks ago when I realized, "Oh, damn. I'm nearly old enough to be considered a 'queer elder.'"

This thought freaked me out. I'm a young adult. I have so much to learn. I don't have a lot of elders to teach me. I've only ever been to one Pride festival in my life. Yet, to the youngest pre-teens out there who are just coming into their identities, I might be perceived as someone older and wiser.

Let me be abundantly clear: queer rage is the most powerful emotion that I have ever experienced. My queer elders did not "fail" me or anyone else—the government did. It was the government who let my queer siblings die slowly, whilst they did nothing but spit in the faces of the queer community and take the chance to spread their visceral hatred. Every day, I am filled with rage that generations of queer people have been ripped away due to the neglect of the government. I mourn the artists, musicians, partners, siblings, and activists who passed away. Every single AIDS victim deserves to tell their stories.

In my melancholy, I turned to the Internet. And through the Internet blogs, decades-old archives, and unsanitized history books, I found community.

I am thankful. I am grateful to those who archive gay and trans magazines, newsletters, zines, and adult magazines. I am grateful to those who survived, who share their stories about queer culture in memoirs and blog posts. I am grateful to those who keep history documented and make detailed accounts of each subculture and pivotal moment. I am thankful for those who create queer and trans sex education, relationship advice blogs, and provide information for trans people who want to physically transition. I am grateful to the AIDS Memorial for keeping memories alive. I am thankful for queer lawyers who debunk the nitty gritty details of anti-queer and anti-trans legislation so that everyone can understand the letter of the law.

I’ve learned about the culture of gay and lesbian bars. I learned about the Hanky Code, Hays Code, and Flower Codes. I learned about pre-Internet queer dating, the ways that people lived, and the subcultures that exist within queer communities. I learned about the brave trans women of color who gave us our rights through protests and riots. I learned, and I learned, and I learned. And at some point during my learning, I found myself with tears streaming down my face.

Never before had I learned the other side of history. The sides that include the radical activism via art and music, subcultures full of passionate people who yearn to share their craft, and the history that wasn’t touched by the mainstream.

I may feel unprepared to lead future generations, but the communities I have found have filled me with nothing short of euphoria. I feel proud to say that I’m queer, that I’m a fag, that I will be the elder one day. I display my Keith Haring merchandise with glee, sing Freddie Mercury’s songs at the top of my lungs, and abide by the motto that a day without lesbians really is a day without sunshine.

And in the times of uncertainty, perhaps community is the drive we all need. Whether you’re young, old, or somewhere in between, the queer community is always there to rally behind you.

Maybe being the next generation to lead others won’t be so scary after all.

[alarrytale]

Hi Marte! I might be wrong ofc but I can't see Niall queerbaiting. He's always been a big lgbt+ ally and has many queer friends, wouldn't they look down on him for it? Obviously during 1D there was a lot of pressure put on them to be straight due to having a female audience. I'm wondering if as time went on Niall realized he wasn't straight. I think that Harry, Louis, Zayn and Liam knew from the beginning. Maybe it took Niall longer to figure it out. Although I remember years ago, I don't follow him as closely now, he would often post instastories with men and I got queer vibes rather than platonic. I'm super curious about his recent queer coding and that people are now taking notice and questioning his sexuality. It seems really intentional. I'm excited to see where it will lead to and will be really disappointed if he returns to pushing heterosexuality. The constant back and forth celebrities do is so irritating. I understand why they do it but it would be great for the lgbtq+ representation if more celebrities actually came out. The conservatives always bleat on about how homophobia doesn't exist anymore and that there is gay privilege but in the same breath they are always targeting lgbtq+ people, like especially Sam Sm*th, and they're still crying over Harry's vogue photoshoot and constantly bringing it up. More out celebrities would normalize queer musicians, actors etc. I wish for that one day. Btw I noticed that Shawn is back in the studio so we'll probably have new music soon. Pretty interesting because twitter music prediction accs have been saying that Shawn, Harry, Justin B*eber are releasing music this year, and now Shawn posted a pic in the studio. Makes it more probable that they're right and we'll have Harry music too! Do you think Shawn will go deeper into the closet? I worry for his mental health and I get the feeling there is a lot of inner struggling going on. Do you think he'll give in?

Hi, anon!

I think you're on to something. It might be that it took Niall a bit to come to terms with his sexuality. Hate to disappoint you, but Ameli* was at his show last night and he sang to her (all captured on film and posted on twitter of course...) so the back and forth is already happening. If he is queer and his relationship with A is fake, maybe he's allowed to push the queer as long as he balances it out with stunting. Like both H and L have to balance the straight and the gay?

One reason for Niall to queerbait is if he's not selling out his shows. He needs the extra attention that comes with queerbaiting to draw larries and other fans to his shows. Having Shawn on stage and flinging his hanky about sure looks like queerbaiting when he's serenading his gf the next show...

I don't know about Shawn. I know to little, but i'm expecting a stunt when his album comes out (single in april and album in june is what the insider accounts are saying). I hope he comes out because i think it would benefit him immensely, in many ways. I don't think his label is on board with that though. We'll have to see.

[laceratedlamiaceae]

I figured it out, the reason Izzy only wears one glove is because bandanas hadn't been invented yet and he needed something black to wear on his right so people would know he's into S&M