#ill be honest this started out solely as a way to get in the 'No this is Jake' joke

[cakerybakery]

Mmm how good would Adam look as a 23 year old orphan caring for his ten year old sister in a post world war three world where the divide between classes is so prominent that the lowest class live in the outer ring of a city and often drop out of school to apprentice at a job due to the lack of money to pay for it. But Adam’s parents worked hard to try and keep him in school only for his mother to fall ill and die, leaving them with a baby that needed tending to and his father to fall to the depression and drink.

So for three years, prime apprenticeship age for a boy of his class, Adam is the sole caregiver of his baby sister and does odd jobs when he can to make extra money to pay for her milk. Then there’s an accident on the job site and they loose their father too. At least their one bedroom tiny apartment is paid for, thanks to their parents scraping by for years and doing everything they could to prevent having more than Adam for as long as they could, but now Adam doesn’t have the job training to find proper work, he has no education to join a middle class profession and instead must do odd jobs, steal, and when times are truly tough he dons his mother’s dress, one last thing he has of her that he can’t pawn or sell for scraps, and goes down to the docks. Trading himself for a bit of coin or fish to the early morning sailors.

His sister wants to stop going to school to start as an apprentice to help pay for things. She doesn’t know if she believes that Adam is only doing honest work. His friend is a thief after all. Adam earns just enough to keep paying for her schooling though and he’s going to do anything he can to ensure she gets a high enough education to get a job in the second ring and move her up in life so her children never have to worry about food or education, so he won’t let her.

To assure her that he has enough saved that if anything happened she would have the money for school he decides to listen to a friend and go to the first ring and pickpocket the rich bastards there.

The train needs a ticket to let him past the first ring though. He plans on hiding in the bathroom.

On the train, coming in to do business in the first ring, is Lucifer. He is young, Adam’s age, but head’s his family’s company. His grandfather built it during the war. His father nearly ruined it. Lucifer has the ability to tell what someone’s desires are though and since he was young was able to court his family’s business partners and clients by softening them up with what they desired. The company was ultimately passed to him over his father because of it.

On the train he mainly ignores the desires of the passengers around him, but for one brief moment he feels the desire for him flare up and just as quickly it becomes the desire to provide for his sister. That interests Lucifer. What kind of person sees someone they desire so strongly and immediately stops desiring them as though he was but a passing fancy? Of all the selfish desires he’s ever seen this man about his age thinks mainly of his sister?

Then the desire shifts again to not getting caught as he makes his way to the bathroom. So Lucifer follows, he pushes himself into the bathroom with him, and impulsively gets the guy to take his inner ring ticket. He’s rich and foreign. he can pretend not to understand the laws about the tickets. Which he ends up doing.

Adam doesn’t know why this stranger is helping him or how he knew he needed a ticket. But he was almost caught and as the guy is lead off at the second ring to go buy a ticket to continue on, he’s grateful.

In the inner ring he’s ignored. Most assuming he’s some sort of paid help or delivery boy. They don’t notice their wallets are lighter until it’s much too late.

Until he pick pockets the wrong man. As coincidence has it, Adam runs into Lucifer, who helps him yet again.

Lucifer is finding Adam rather interesting indeed. He helps Adam escape by being able to tell where the police are by their desire to capture Adam. The trains are out and the two of them make their way slowly to the third ring.

The city being so large it takes several hours to get back to Adam’s place on foot. By the time they make it they’ve become friends but Lucifer is rather flirty and Adam is rather interested in being flirted with. Emily, Adam’s sister, was worried sick when he didn’t come home. He assures her, he lies to her, that everything was fine and he simply was out all night with an old friend.

They see her off to school and the two fall into Adam’s bed. He shares the room with his sister but she stopped sharing a bed with him a few years back. Stringing up a cloth divider to have her own space.

Adam thinks of it as a bit of a one night stand. Some fun to be had.

Lucifer finds himself smitten and keeps coming around.

Adam’s friend (going to make him Steve, cause fuck that guy) is jealous. He’s been in love with Adam for years but Adam has never noticed. Steve decides the best way to get the rich prick Lucifer to fuck off and make Adam fall for him is to secretly turn Adam in for theft.

Emily will need a caretaker while Adam is in prison and that’s where Steven comes in and plays the hero. Caring for her while Adam does time. Then when Adam is out he won’t be able to find any work and will have to rely on him! Adam will be all his.

Of course Lucifer steps in instead of flaky when Adam is arrested. He’s rich. Like hiring the best lawyers money can buy rich. Lawyers that point out that they don’t actually know it was Adam and have no proof that it was him beside an anonymous tip. Eyewitnesses saw him on the train? Well, they also saw Lucifer didn’t they? He was also seen in the inner ring with Lucifer. They’re dating, of course they were together for most of the day. Except for when Lucifer misunderstood that he would also need a ticket and had to catch another train.

So he could have been the thief? Lucifer was on the next train and Adam stayed rather close to the station. No one could place him there by they also couldn’t say he wasn’t there. Although as luck would have it they remembered Lucifer and perhaps he was with someone, so hard to remember. Ultimately there was too much doubt that Adam was the pick pocket. Especially since he’d never been in trouble with the law before. Most folks in the neighbourhood had hired him for part time work but didn’t have the income to hire him as an apprentice. Not when they already had apprentices.

Lucifer even stepped in to care for Emily. Steve was rather pissed when he went over to console her and found Lucifer making her breakfast that he had brought the ingredients for. The table had never seen so much food. Lucifer also paid for her schooling for longer than even the second ring jobs required.

When it’s over Lucifer buys a place in the inner ring. He had business to oversee anyways and eventually they marry and live happily ever after.

—-

I always did like that old dream I’d had.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole if I refused to pay my phone bill?

📱🧾♿️ <- To recognize my post for later :)

The title is probably already a bit of a red flag, but I genuinely didn’t know how else to word it…

For context: I am a disabled, chronically and mentally ill trans guy who recently turned 20. I haven’t left home yet for a lot of reasons, some being that my parents promised to let me live rent-free so long as I was in college (which I am, just not currently for the summer) as well as the fact that they really haven’t raised me to be very independent and rely solely on them (which is honestly a whole other can of worms), but primarily because of my disability. It isn’t safe for me to live on my own, as I faint commonly, cannot stand up for more than maybe fifteen minutes at a time roughly, and sometimes am unable to eat for long periods of time due to debilitating nausea which leads to weakness. I also have severe chronic pain in my limbs and gut, something I’ve had most of my life, while my chronic illness I’ve only had for about a year and a half now and am still struggling to adjust to.

Because of my disability, I also can’t work a traditional job. I offer art commissions online, because I’m very passionate about art and it’s one of the few things I’m good at, and I haul in a decent amount, but certainly not enough to live off of. I make enough to set aside some good savings (I’m currently saving for a wheelchair, as that might grant me more freedom and the potential to get a job at least for the summer) while also indulging myself in buying the occasional fatty treat (I’m very underweight so that’s not an issue, and I was raised essentially in an almond mom household all my life, so this form of eating is really the only sense of control I have over my life, as I’m fully dependent on my parents elsewise).

The issue has come upon relatively recently. I feel like a huge entitled brat for it as well, and if others believe the same, I sincerely don’t blame you.

My mom sat me down the other day and said that she expected me to start paying at least one bill. She offered my cheapest bill (which would be for my phone; my parents bought it, and it’s theirs, they’re just letting me use it as my own.. I don’t own a whole lot of “my” items myself) and asked what I thought about that. I was fully honest with her: if I had a steady stream of income, I wouldn’t hesitate to offer to pay for all of my bills, but with the way it stands, I just don’t make enough month-to-month to regularly afford the bill. I also do my commissions through my phone, so if I could afford the bill, my phone would be turned off, and I’d be unable to continue.

My mom got very upset and started talking to me like a child (though she really has every right to, honestly, and I know that). She went on a very long rant about teaching me responsibility, and how I can’t rely on my parents forever, and that I need to grow up at some point… All things that I fully agree with. I sincerely want to! I want nothing more than to be fully independent. But the way it stands, my parents cover my entire medical bills and they pay for my meds… And I just don’t make enough to survive on my own, and I can just barely afford a meal or two from a sandwich shop I enjoy twice a month to keep my sanity in check because I’m usually bedbound.

I tried explaining to her that I would if I could, sincerely, and that I’m not trying to be a leech or lazy, but she wasn’t having it. She just scolded me and said that if I can afford to eat out every month, then I can afford the phone bill. But again, with the way things are, I don’t think I’d be able to do it every month without tapping into my savings, which again, is for my wheelchair so I can regain some sense of freedom for myself. I’m seriously debating just telling her no straight out, but I don’t know what the aftermath might look like…

So, sincerely: Am I in the wrong here? Should I just swallow my protests and cough up the money somehow? I really don’t know and would love an outside perspective.

[tarjapearce]

Mama pegging Miguel? I mean I would see something like that happening after all their years of marriage and Miguel being against it at first but then agreeing and mama having the best time of her life. I’m sorry my brain is not okay. And I’m sorry if this would make you uncomfortable in any way.

Let's be honest here. As much as we love seeing Miguel as the Dom, we've all fantasized in having him a mess underneath us. So yeah. Just gonna Indulge myself here ~

⚠️WARNINGS: FILTHINESS. Sub! Miguel, sloppy blowjob, rimjob, hole play, Mama is a one kinky mf, Gentle femdom, use of toys, fruity lube, fluff. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

You weren't one for watching porn, but seeing the reviews on the video, either straight or gay mostly of the commenters agreed on something. Toying with your partner's erogenous zones and exploiting them felt good.

Some comment were explicit and specific as to what they enjoyed the most. Even though porn was the worst way and place you could learn stuff from, the comments didn't lie. Or so you were assuming.

And things turned weirder and weirder the upcoming days. Bdsm toys, and tips started to show up on your media feed. You had your little kit stored away into the drawer under key. A kit that was often pulled out when Miguel felt particularly stressed and borderline pissed. You were each other's relief.

Not only the lingerie appealed the visuals, but enhanced it. The sole idea of having Miguel tied up and needy for you made your skin crawl in a thrilling sensation that left no room for wonders and doubts.

You had imagined in multiple times how would it be to swap the dominant role for once with Miguel. As you clicked on the toy's add, a new expansion to the world you had been exploring on the surface with him, opened just for you.

------

"Can we talk?"

"Miguel?" You sat next to him in his office as your paperwork was verified by him.

"Is something wrong?"

He mumbled as he kept working on his laptop.

His fingers stopped typing, his eyes turned to seize you with a surprise yet underlying alarm underneath them.

"I wanna peg you."

"What? Why?"

"Im curious and... If I'm honest, I wanna see you a mess"

You whispered on his ear and he chuckled, his cheeks turned into a faint shade of red.

"Ah, C'mon! I'm sure we can have some fun."

"Sigue queriendo, cariño" (Keep wishing, honey)

"Dont think so."

He just shook his head with a small smile.

"Ill wear something nice for you."

"Nope."

He took you by the chin and kissed your lips.

"Pleaseee?"

"No."

His eyes kept drifting towards you and the contraption you had just pulled out from a package. How did he ended up agreeing?

-------

Oh yeah.

A blowjob with something else he had never experienced before, and if he was honest, wished to have experienced sooner.

Sex with you was not only mind blowing, but kinky. You were kinky and shameless and seeing you assuming his role, was such an interesting switch of your dynamics. For science purposes, you said and it was more than enough to convince him.

Pillows perched behind his back to offer him a good support as his legs spreaded open for you.

Seeing you, clad in PU leather stirred his curiosity and hunger.

"Thought you'd use the handcuffs"

"We haven't even started and you're already getting kinky"

He pouted but it quickly faded as you kneeled in between his legs, hands caressing the outer of his thighs.

A gloved hand of yours took him by the base and stroked upwards in slow motions.

"You're always making me feel good."

You kissed his cheek and then his lips, as your hand kept stroking him. Lips crashed hungrily, chasing eachother desperately. Your tongue invaded his mouth, twirled around his, luring it out for you to suck it. Earning a satisfied groan from the both.

"Relax, ok? Lemme make you feel good"

With a sigh, and another breathless kiss Miguel granted you control.

You kneeled once more and resumed your stroking, blood rushing to his tip, twitching his cock alive and rock hard.

"Have I told you I love your taste?"

Beaming smile slowly melded around him. Flat tongue running on his base as your palm fisted his tip. Hot lips searing his skin with little kissed that transformed in gentle sucks. Your head supported against one of his thighs you had secured next to your head.

He groaned when you used your tongue around his frenulum, His hands clenched for a moment on the sheets as you focused on it for a moment to then take him bit by bit.

The sound of you gagging him made his head spin with sensations his body always experienced as new. A soft deep throat followed by your hand cupping the base and stroking as you paid special attention to his tip.

The little gargling and wet sounds you gave, made his body receptive and sensitive.

Red eyes fixed on your movements, and God, it was quite the sight, but you stopped, licking using your spit to stroke him faster as your other hand ventured to his sac and further.

His pants and soft raged breathings, made you bit your bottom lip.

"Tell me what you want, cariño"

His body tensed for a second as you toyed with the outer folds of his hole.

"F-Faster"

"Oh no no, I can't have you coming too soon. Need you nice and hard when I take this" Your finger moved in circular motions on the tight muscle ring.

He exhaled as the sheets crumpled underneath his iron grip

"Does it feels good, Papa?"

He nodded with shaky breaths as you engulfed him once more, but you stopped

"Uh-uh. Use your words"

You smirked to then put some flavored lube between his supple butt cheeks. You licked your lips at how receptive and sensitive his body was under your calculated and gentle handling.

Why hadn't you ventured sooner in this? Embarrassment perhaps? His groaning at your sinking finger inside him snapped your wandering attention back to him.

"You're so tight, mi amor"

You purred

"Let me-" He choked as your tongue swirled mercilessly around his tip, your cheeks hollowed hard as your cheeks clamped around him, "Dios mío, No te detengas-"

(My God, don't stop)

Another choke as another finger eased ever gently inside. You wriggled them softly, making a soft 'come' motion inside, allowing him to get used to the feeling.

Your lips glossed over both his precum and your own saliva, but that didn't stop you. He was about to push you deeper but a glare was enough to keep his hands on the sheets.

His jaw clenched, lips contorting in soft ohs and ahs as you kept blowing him and your fingers moved into him a faster but still gentle speed.

"So so close, mi amor"

He grunted while throwing his head back, sinking for a moment in the pillow. His chest heaving, the riple of his muscles tensed and shook at his desperate breaths. You stopped the sucking and he whimpered, annoyed.

"No, no mi amor. Go... Goback please, I'm so s'close." His slurred words made you giggle

"Want me to suck you dry, Papa?"

A hiss came from his lips as you found that little nub of muscle and prodded kindly at it. His mouth gaped.

"Yes" The neediness in his voice made your senses tingle. You were sure at this point you were soaked, but it wasn't about you right now. You wanted him to come undone before you while teaching him new ways to please each other beyond penetration.

And so far his body reacted so well to it, it made you smile as pride filled your chest.

"Touch yourself, Miguel. Lemme see gentle strokes"

One of his hands immediately took a hold of his aching cock

"Lento, mi amor" (Slowly)

A frustrated sigh rolled off his lips as your mouth focused on his sac. You pulled your fingers out, carefully before spreading his legs wider. As he jerked in slow motions, your tongue swiped around his hole, earning a shuddering sob from him.

His sac fell on the bridge of your nose as you helped him to stroke himself. You were eating him, and smirked as his moans turned urgent. You released one of his testicles with a gentle suck and smirked

"Hands off."

"Verga..." He rubbed his warm and flushed face in frustration. It was the second time you edged him, "I'm not appreciating you playing with me like this" (Shit)

"Relax, I want you to enjoy"

"I was until you stopped"

His voice a breathless and annoyed mumble

You stood from the bed to reach for the toy you had bought the moment he agreed. A buzzing double strap on. The outer end was just the right size to reach his sweet spot without hurting him, a first timer dildo. The inner one aligned perfectly into your spot.

Harness snuggly secured around your hips, a couple of lube squirts were poured on to the toy. Hand stroked and smeared the fruity smelling lube all over it.

You leaned to kiss him. His hands held you in place. A mix of himself and the sweet lube reminiscing on your mouth.

"I'll be gentle, ok?" He nodded in between kisses.

A new wave of thrill bolted through your body as you added some pillows underneath him for leverage. The strap perfectly aligned with his glistening hole.

"Give me slow strokes, Papa"

With a sigh, he cupped his hefty cock once more, the sensation of your gloved fingers made his body to shudder once more. His eyes widened softly as you rubbed the tip of the toy against his hole. Fingers left him to be replaced by the slick toy.

"Breathe" You cooed as you pushed in a couple of inches, allowing his muscles to assimilate the gentle intrusion.

"Does it hurts?"

He inhaled sharply and shook his head.

"Are you sure?"

Your hips stilled for a moment as your hands kneaded his inner thighs. His hand stroked himself slowly, but tightened the grip at his base.

"Yeah"

Smiling, your hips resumed their movements. Slow, deliberate circles that made the toy move carefully inside his tightness. You added another inch deeper when you noticed his breathings turned a bit more laborious.

"You're such a good boy, Papa"

The friction and the constant waves of pleasure the buzzy contraption oozed into your bodies made his strokes tighter, and your legs to quiver for a second.

His pants turned louder, turning into groans as you added another inch. His eyes closed shut at your careful and loving thrusts, Hips rocking in pliable, mild movements. His skin shook ever softly at your pushing.

His fangs bit his bottom lip when his strokes turned a bit faster, Your hands held him by his waist and you groaned.

Even though the toy inside you could never compare to his flushed and mouthwatering cock, it offered enough stimulation to make you whimper.

Mewlings and needy sounds coming from you and Miguel made it all ten times better when he bucked his hips and his eyes clamped shut when you prodded at his sweet spot. The sound his mouth did had you hissing and biting your own lip at the sight of him.

Front bangs falling into his flushed face, eyes rolling at the back of his head as sweat collected on his chest by the constant jerking. Mouth agape, panting and mumbling shy praises at your movements.

"Just like this, mi amor?"

A breathless yes.

Even though your walls quivered and milked the toy by the vibrations, your focus still remained on him and his own pleasure that only heightened by the strong vibrations on his toy's end.

"G-Gonna cum"

His words urged you to prod at the little nub of nerves that had him groaning your name.

One of his hands went above him, holding onto the headboard as his other pumped himself in a way that sent him sputtering inchorent lewd spanglish mumbles.

He choked. as you helped him cum by stroking your hand above his. Sweaty foreheads colliding, gaze locked on eachother.

"Come for me, Papa"

Your hand kept pumping and he moaned into your mouth as thick, hot blobs of fresh cum spurted from him, and rolled down your wrist, a few streaks nested on his happy trail and lower abdomen

You kissed him as you pulled out as gently as you entered

"Fuck" He mumbled against your lips. Hot breath fanning against yours, muscles spasming and shuddering as he rode his high. You could only smile with an endearing look at his blissful face

You kissed him once more. A few I love you's scurrying off his mouth.

"Love you too, mi amor"

[demiesworld]

Hi. Firstly love your writing. Secondly (only if you want to write it of course if not I thank you for taking time out to read this) may I request Hantengu clones reacting to their first kiss with S/o?

【♛demie: yes you may and i do apologize for taking so long to get to this request! i hope you enjoy it!】

first kiss with the hantengu clones (sfw)

pairings: sekido, karaku, aizetsu, and urogi x gn!reader

synopsis: hantengu clones sharing their first kiss with their s/o.

notes: reader is gender-neutral. no pronouns are used. reader is of age. in sekido's the reader thinks that he is a monk and sekido gives them a prayer. it wasn't my initial idea to go for it, but it fit in with the plot so i kept it. if i was incorrect with some things or offended anyone please let me know, respectfully, and i will remove it. otherwise, enjoy this! p.s. sekido's is also pure word vomit bc i wasnt thinking of sticking to a decent size script.

— SEKIDO

When Sekido first met you, a human, his first thought of you was that you were weak. You were weaker than him, a demon, because of your mortality. In his mind, humans were susceptible to illnesses and diseases that weren't easy to cure with herbs and medicine. So when he encountered you in the cold hours of the night inside of your hut, after slaughtering and cannibalizing half of your village, his original plan was to just eat you alive.

But when he saw you, something in Sekido couldn't bear to even touch you let alone eat you.

You were laying on your back on a shiki futon next to a burning fire pit and covered by a thick blanket. He could hear your labored breathing and pained grunting at each breath you took. It didn't take a genius to notice that you were sickly. The beads of sweat on your forehead and dazed look in your eyes was a tell-tell sign that you weren't in good health. To him you looked too pathetic to kill.

He was standing in the door way and then turned his back to you. He got ready to leave when your croaky voice spoke, "A-Are y-you a m-monk?" His shoulders went tense as he stood there listening to you, "P-Please m-monk... I'm a-afraid that I don't have... much time."

Sekido huffed in annoyance, but he turned on his heel and further walked into the hut. He stood in the shadows to keep his appearance hidden, not that you – a weak human – could do anything to him. You were most likely on the brink of death.

"Thank you... I-I want to a-ask if you c-c-could pr-pray for me. My health has not been well as of lately, and my family do not live here with me in this village. I've just been taking care of myself, but as you can see I'm not doing a very good job." You let out a soft chuckle though it turns into a coughing fit and eventually subsides, "I will be honest with you monk, I am not a religious person, but if a simple prayer from you would alleviate me of this sickness then I will turn over a new leaf and b-be forever g-grateful..."

The anger demon gripped tighter on his staff as he placed a knee on the floor. Why was he entertaining you? Why was he still here? He should have left you for dead, but his body is refusing to leave. Sekido sits fully on the floor now, crossing his legs and holding the shakujō to his shoulder.

"What is your name?" He asked you. Your heart swelled up with gratitude and you smile affably to the person you thought was a monk. Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes when you state your name to him. "That is a beautiful name. I will give you a prayer now, let us close our eyes and start."

Sekido waited for you to shut your eyes first, before he began the prayer that you requested. The prayer was solely for you and he prayed to relieve you of your sickness. He prayed for you to be healed, your suffering to be freed, and for protection to be bestowed upon you. When he was finished with the prayer, he stood up from the floor and just looked at you blankly.

The anger demon didn't know exactly how to feel when he left you in the hut that night and returned to his counterparts. They asked him where he went to which he ignored the three and trekked in the direction of their next mission destination.

After his mission was complete, Sekido returned to you a night later and found that you were still sick. Your condition did not improve. He had asked you if had eaten and your response was you tried but you kept vomiting. He was a demon, and he didn't know of any herbs or medicine that could cure whatever you had. He stayed with you and gave you prayers to help ease your mind at the least. Sekido would show up to your hut every night at an odd hour to sit with you, offering you his company, and give you a prayer.

One night, Sekido made a decision that could possibly affect him for better or for worse. After consideration, Sekido poked a needle into the tip of his finger and held the bleeding digit to your chapped lips. He let the blood drop several times onto your tongue before pulling it away and regenerating the skin there.

That night Sekido sat with you for a while waiting for any signs of improvement after he gave you a taste of his blood. You didn't show anything, so he figured that you must have passed away. He got aggravated. It was a waste of his time to be stuck here thinking that you – a human – would be alive.

He left your hut that night with the firm belief that you had died. What a pity. What a waste of a time. It clearly showed him that humans, especially a person such as yourself, shouldn't be bothered with trying to strengthen. He couldn't say the word "help" because to him that meant he was performing an act of kindness. Something that he, a demon who felt solely anger, couldn't be synonymous with.

As he went on about his own life, Sekido would ignore the pangs he felt in his chest whenever thoughts of you crossed his mind. He would make battles between him and his counterparts against demon slayers short because he wanted to return to their safe house quickly. Every time he came across a human that he wanted to feast on, that was weak like you, he couldn't consume them. He would just kill them and leave their mutilated body behind.

His counterparts appeared to have notice his slight change in demeanor. Though neither of them made a comment on it. They didn't want to address it for fear of Sekido's rage.

It was maybe a month after declaring you as dead, when Sekido felt a strong pulse out of nowhere surface. He had been resting at their manor when he felt it arise. The demon thought danger was coming and he quickly grabbed his staff and ran out into the rainy thunderous night.

The strong pulse came again and this time it was getting closer. Good. The closer it got the easier it would be for him to kill it. He chases the origin of the pulse to a clearing in the forest. As he neared the center he stopped in his tracks and searched his surroundings for any incoming attacks.

Just as he was about the lure the attacker out with his lightning, Sekido heard a faint shout, "Monk!" and it eerily sounded like you. "Mooonk!" the voice gotten clearer, and louder, you were getting closer.

Sekido turned on his heel to his right to see you running into the clearing. Your clothing was drenched from the pounding rain just like his own, but to his astonishment you were alive. You were on your feet. You were breathing. You were speaking. You... survived.

"Y/N..." he murmurs your name as you slow down to stand right before him. There was no shadows or obscurity covering his face. You could see Sekido for what he truly was. A demon. A human-eating, murdering, demon.

You threw your body onto his as you embraced him in your arms. Why were you hugging him? Shouldn't you be repulsed by the sight of his face? Why weren't you running away from him? Your arms squeezed him tighter and your face buried into his chest.

Sekido's hand comes up to your head and cradles it gently in his grasp. He stands there, still like a statue, as he listens to you speak, "I never got to say thank you for saving my life monk. Without your prayers, I don't think I will be alive right now. I owe you my eternal gratitude and I wish to serve you."

The anger demon looks down at the top of your head and blurts out, "Why are you not running from me?"

You ignore his question and look up at his face. Your lips curve into a radiant smile, "I never saw your face before, monk, you are quite ruggedly handsome." You say as you take a hold of his hand and bow your head. "Please take me to where you rest your head and we shall both explain things to each other."

Sekido growls and squeezes your hand in his own, he scorns at your wince, "Answer my question first."

"I don't want to run away from the person who gave me a second chance at life. Not when I owe them my life in return."

"Are you stupid? Are you blind? Do you not see how I look, human?" He interrogates you, before bellowing, "I am a demon!"

"And I don't care!" You shout back, your lips trembling as you refrain yourself from crying. "I don't." You whisper.

After a brief moment of silence between the two of you, Sekido unwillingly led you to his manor where you two talked over what happened. You explained that after Sekido had given you his blood, you woke up the next morning feeling stronger than before. Your fever and chills went away, you could actually move on your feet, and the bruises you had from being bedridden were gone. You told him that you had tried to walk out into the daylight, but your new body couldn't stand the sunlight so you were left to do things out at night.

Unlike him, you didn't get cravings for humans, you still ate human food. Sekido went on to tell you that he wasn't a real monk and that he was an upper rank demon. He said he found you that night sick, after slaughtering and cannibalizing your village. He didn't even want to kill you or eat you because you looked to be on death's door step anyways. Though when you cried out to him he was forced to stay around. When you asked him why he kept returning every night, he refused to explain why. The only answer he had given you was that he felt pity for you.

Following your discussion over that, you asked him once again if you could stay by his side. To which Sekido allowed you to, but you would only be introduced to his counterparts as his ward. You agreed to that. You stayed underneath Sekido's watch and protection while living with him and his counterparts at their hideout. Sekido arranged for you to sleep in the same room as him, though not in the same bed.

Eventually, you and Sekido grew closer to each other and when you were alone you both liked to lay next to one another. Kind of like tonight, with you laying on his bed facing him while he had his eyes shut. You closely admired the purple veins on his forehead and eyes, the curved horns, and sharp pointed fangs that stuck out of his mouth. He was, in your terms, ruggedly handsome.

"I can feel you staring at me, human," Sekido mutters with his eyes remaining closed. You let out a short chuckle and he adds on, "Why are you staring at me?"

You reached up to cup his cheek in the palm of your hand. You answer his question softly, "I'm just admiring your face, Sekido. You know you are not as scary as you look. There's a few rough edges to your appearance," You didn't flinch when he opened his eyes and crimson hues were fixedly narrowed at you. Your finger delicately touches his jawline then the bridge of his nose and finally his furrowed brow bone. "But there's also the softness that I'm fond of." You smile brightly at him.

Sekido took your hand in his own and murmured, "What are you talking about?"

You didn't say anything instead you leaned closer to him and confidently pressed your lips to his. The demon's eyes widened at the feeling of your lips touching his own. He laid there stunned and still until you slowly pulled away from him.

A giggle past through your lips when you noticed the bewildered expression on his normal scowling face. Suddenly Sekido's hand came to the back of your head and pulled you back to his lips. His mouth locked in with yours while his tattooed tongue delved into the cavern of your orifice. You gasped into his mouth from the unexpected kiss, but returned it with just as much vigor as he bestowed.

You kissed him until your lungs were crying for air and only then did you finally pull away to pant against his supple lips. Sekido's face was tickled by the puffs of air onto his skin.

"I have lived for over two centuries, and never have I encountered a human like you. You are foolish if your wishful mind thinks that a demon like me would ever learn to devote their life to you."

His cruel words were strikingly different from his earlier actions. Though you didn't bother to argue or point it out. While it certainly wasn't an explicit explanation of rejection, you smile regardless to him and lay your head on his chest. "Then call me a fool then, Sekido, because I don't think my mind will change when it comes to someone like you."

— KARAKU

You chirping with glee as you sat on Karaku's lap and patted powdered makeup that matched his dark skin tone onto the areas of his face that had purple veins on it. You held his chin in your other hand while closely examining for any spot you may have missed. Thankfully you didn't and you slid off of his lap while grabbing a handheld mirror and showing it to your lover.

"Look to see if I covered everything up." You say.

He takes the mirror out of your hand and looks at his reflection, his green eyes narrowing for any missed spots. "Hm... I think you covered everything up fine." He then turned to you with a frown and pointed to the horns on his head, "Now what are we going to do about these?"

Your face warms up when you remember the horns on his head. You didn't think about trying to hide them so you didn't know of any method of doing it. As far as you knew, Karaku couldn't conceal them. Therefore you were left with only one option.

With a cheerful smile you blurt out, "We can just tell everyone that they're a part of your costume!"

Karaku grimaces at you, "If you wanted me to dress up as a demon, we could have just forego the makeup and I could have just went as myself."

"Y-Yeah, but what if people get scared by how...devilish you look?"

The demon stood up from the bed and folded his arms above his head, "So? My devilish charm didn't stop you from mounting me like an animal." He smirked at the flustered expression you made.

"You shut your mouth! We've never even gotten that far!"

"Yet." He interjected.

After he made you fluster and stammer over your words again, you decide to ignore your lover for the time being and went to get dressed for the night. Tonight, you had established a date with Karaku by going out to a festival in the entertainment district. Of course there would be people there dressed in bizarre clothing, so you believed that Karaku could attend it without a problem. The only thing you had difficulties with was concealing his horns. Once you were dressed in your outfit for the night, you instructed him to dress in his black yukata tied with a red obi.

You left with him to go to the festival, while you were there some children were in awe at Karaku's "mask" and said he looked like a formidable demon. He arrogantly boasted about his muscles, showing his arms off to the kids and letting them hang off of it like a monkeys in a tree. Eventually they left you two alone and you and him enjoyed your time at the festival. There were some occurrences with Karaku almost exposing himself as a demon. Such as him tossing a ring and when he didn't land on any of the flasks, his supernatural strength was exposed when he slammed his fist on the counter and broke through the surface. Of course, the humans around you just assumed he was a overwhelmingly strong brute and paid him no mind.

As the night grew to a close, the musicians at the festival played lively music at a venue. The strings of the samisen, pounding on the taiko, and whistles of the shakuhachi sing. You took Karaku by the hand and led him in a graceful, animated dance. Your fingers were intertwined with his as you two dance closely to each other's bodies. The radiant smile you had never once faltered from your face as you moved your body to the rhythm of the music.

"Thank you for coming out with me tonight, Karaku," You say as you stare lovingly at him. Your heart was beating in your chest like a drum, and you had an inkling Karaku could hear it even with the music playing in the background. "I really enjoyed myself with you here."

The demon's lips curved up, his fangs peeking through when he did so and his hands settle on your hips. "The feeling is mutual my little human." His eyes softens at yours, and lids lowered as he leans closer to your lips.

Your face heats up when he leans intimately towards you. You try to back away from him, but Karaku is quicker and he keeps you pinned to his strong body. A flutter rises in your stomach. Your hands tighten on his shoulders, and you keep your feet planted on the ground.

"Karaku," you shyly whisper his name.

He doesn't say a word, instead his lips closes in on yours and the distance between you two is shortened. Your eyes shut as you perceive his warm and soft lips on yours. An idea crosses your mind to embrace Karaku by locking your hands together behind his nape. He could taste the sugary flavor lingering on your lips from the candied treat you had ate earlier. While the savor of it was unpalatable to his demonic appetite, Karaku found it to be rather nice as it was solely comparable to your gentle spirit. As your breaths mingled through the exhales of your noses, your hands moved up and fingers weaved into the thick wispy tresses of his hair.

The passionate kiss you shared with Karaku was abruptly short by the loud explosions of fireworks bursting in the night sky. You two pulled away from each other, and your eyes were locked. The explosion of fireworks weren't the only thing enchanting you that night.

— AIZETSU

You were laying in your bed, sleeping underneath the warmth of your blanket, at the time a gust of crisp air entered your room. The wind lifted your blanket away from your body and carried it to a desolate corner where it dropped into a heap. You unconsciously flinch and move into a fetal position. A candle you had lit beside your window got extinguished by the strength of the breeze. In seconds, you slowly awoke from your slumber and drowsily took in your surroundings in your bedchamber. As soon as you turned your head to your right you see an all too familiar dejected face framed by wispy onyx hair and luminous azure eyes.

You lift yourself up to sit upright and look up at your demonic significant other. "Aizetsu... what are you doing here?" You asks him softly. His sudden arrival was entirely unexpected as usually he would send you a letter about coming to see you in advance. With him appearing to you now in the dead of the night, you had wondered if anything went wrong with a mission he been assigned to.

He places his spear against the wall and slid off the bulky ropes around his shoulders. He takes a seat on the bed beside you and looks at the wooden floor. You don't utter a word when he reaches out and grabs your hand in his. Aizetsu's thumb strokes the top of your hand whilst gingerly holding it.

"Aizetsu," you repeat his name again and close the distance between your bodies. "What are you doing here?"

The sorrowful demon stops stroking your hand and tightens his grip on it. He quietly says, "I'm sorry for arriving without letting you know. We were in the area and I really wanted to see you before we left for our next mission." His head turned to face you with a troubled expression.

Your eyes widen and your body freeze for a moment. Then you mull over what he just said, and your face brightened. He separated from his other counterparts so he could visit you before they departed. It was thoughtful of him to do that.

"I'm happy to see you tonight, Aizetsu."

Your words took him by surprise as he stuttered, "Y-You are?" He questions, and leans his face closer to yours. The demon gently cups your cheek in his hand as he pleaded, "Please don't tell me you're saying that just to ease my misery."

You could feel your heart beat quicken from how close he was. You could just how many eyelashes he had and analyze the plum-colored ridges below his eyes. It was astounding despite how many times you spent with Aizetsu you were always nervous around him. You wonder if it was the same feeling for him.

Gradually, the distance between your lips closed and you felt sparks fly when his lips touched yours. The kiss wasn't anything too sensual or too dull, to you it felt just right. Aizetsu didn't want to encourage you into deepening it either, so the two of you just sat there feeling one another's lips in a sense of innocence.

Your lack of awareness of your surroundings was dwindling until the sudden bang! of your door pulled you away from the demon. Startled you both looked to where the origin of the sound came from and were annoyed to see none other than Karaku standing in the door way.

"Time's up kiddos, Aizetsu has to go with us now to the next location!"

You let out a sigh and turn your attention to your sorrowful lover, "I take this as you have to leave now, yes?"

Aizetsu nodded his head while he stood up from the bed still holding onto your hand. "I will be back for you, my beloved. Next time I will send a letter before surprising you again like this."

"You don't have to send a letter of notice anymore Aizetsu. If you surprise me like this again with a visit then I will be happy."

— UROGI

"UROGI!" You hollered from the from the ground and watched as your part-avian demonic lover flew through the sky terrorizing children. You knew that he wanted to eat them for sustenance, and while he was a demon and you were a human, you didn't want for him to do that to children. At least to keep his need to eat humans away from your sight and mind.

Once more you shout out his name, "Urogiiii!!"

He chortled and flew right past you shouting, "Just a moment my sunshine!" Your face fell into a frown when he did that. You could hear his boisterous laughter and the sound of children screaming afterwards. You did not want for him to consume those kids so you ran as fast as you could towards the sound.

"Urogi, do not eat those children!"

You came upon your lover and a small group of children, you thought that he had already began to eat them. Fortunately, you were wrong. Urogi was just playing with the human kids, and letting them climb on his back while he flew around with them. The stomach twisting feeling you had went away and you were relieved to find out the children were unharmed. Some of them had bright grins on their cherubic faces as Urogi leapt up towards the sky with three of them on his back and circle the glade.

The demon winked at you from above and played around with the children for a while. You waited for him to eventually descend from the ground safely with the kids and told the group to not tell their parents that a bird-man was flying around with them. For one, you didn't want to get into trouble, and two you didn't want for Urogi to end up getting killed by a hashira. To keep the children's promise not to tattle, you offered them candied treats if they wanted to play with Urogi again and led them to the path of their village before waving them goodbye.

After you watched the last child leave to go into their village, you turn your attention to Urogi and scowled at him. "Urogi! What the heck were you thinking?! Those children could have told their parents!"

"Relax, sunshine, those children weren't hurt were they? They'll be fine!"

You smack your hand to your forehead and rub your temples, grumbling, "That's not what I meant you bird brain! Children have loud mouths, if any of them tell someone about a bird-man flying around with them, they will come to get you!"

Urogi rolls his eyes at your excessive worry, "Calm down, do you want to go flying with me too? Is that it?" He took a step forward when you took a step back.

"W-What? No! I don't want to go-"

"Let's go for a ride, sunshine!"

As soon as the words left from his mouth, Urogi snatched you by the waist and took off with you into the night sky. The shrill shriek you emitted echoed as you wrestled with the demon to let you go. However you immediately stop once you realize that if keep struggling, and Urogi (accidentally of course) drops you, you could end up looking like a pancake. You glare at you lover who just smiles at you cheerfully.

You throw your arms over his shoulders and shout, "This isn't funny, Urogi!" Your eyes take a peek at how high up you are and you quickly hide your face in the junction of his neck and collarbone. A small fearful whimper resonating from you.

"It's not funny for you but I am having a joyous time right now!" He lowered you two towards the ground, though still he hovered just a few feet above. "Now does this make you more comfortable sunshine?"

"Yes it does."

You caught him off guard when you planted your lips against his. The kiss was fleeting, yet it still brought his mind to a brief pause. His golden eyes widen at you and he stood with his feet on the ground. The demon looks away from you once you start to grin.

"What's wrong my birdie? Did that kiss catch you off guard?"

"Don't tease me like that sunshine or you could end up in a predicament."

notes: it was not my intention to use gifs created by the same person lol but they all looked really good so- why not? also sorry for not posting as much, i have been fairly busy and also mentally drained these past few weeks.

[aragonlediagon]

OoMH (Re HRtP) drawing series update

Hi. I bring important news regarding my Touhou PC98 current drawing series, for those who followed it seriously. Initially I was working on making 2 per week on average (4 out of 11 done), but havent done anything since I posted the 4th one.

The reason is because since late march, ive been revisiting my basics seriously as I wish to improve the quality of my works. I will be honest, I am really unsatisfied of how I handle coloration/rendering, the shading especially. I had people telling me it looks fine, but I dont like it, and its a painful step for me to do each time. Drawing is my hobby, and I dont want it to feel like chores.

Even if ive been using digital tools since 2017, Im still unable to use most of it in any proper, efficient way. I dont find a good variety of tutorials for the software I use (SAI v1). Most of them guide you into having styles which I dont want to use (long story, I prefer traditional looking visuals especially watercolors & oil painting, but all I find are to achieve 3Dish airbrush-abuse results).

Looking back at most ive done these past monthes I also find what ive done lack balance and/or dynamism, so coupled with my rather poor rendering work, I end up disliking them fairly quickly. Theres a lot of them I want to revisit.

Staying hours facing my computer is also starting to really drain me. Until that Ive been drawing with a cheap xp pen without a screen + an old, big windows 7. So I finally invested in a tablet with screen + which doesnt require to be cabled to an other device. I just want to go draw outside before the crazy summer heat and be more comfortable in general lol

Im also following courses from japanese masters I like the works of to finally get to know how to properly use a software, since Ive always been going with blind processes.

Ive prepared already some sketches of the next parts of my pc98 drawing series, but I wont be posting any finished work until I get my new tablet. Im revisiting entirely my coloration style so that its technically better, and reflects more my actual inspirations (I BEG of you people, that my actual inspirations come from ukiyo-e & art nouveau, im hoping people will stop calling my art "old final fantasy")

Because I will have a new coloration style, Ill be redrawing the characters Ive already done so that it doesnt clash, having 4 pieces with old style next to the new style will bother me. I wont simply give them new colors, its going to be brand new posing in general.

Thank you for reading and understanding. This drawing series is very important to me so I want it to be my best effort, which I do solely out of love for the pc98 era. Ill be happy that ill be able to provide higher quality works.

Have a mr priest Shingyoku quick redraw for attention (hes a pretty boy worth 2.25$)

[emblazons]

this is likely so personal and just. way to much info but there is no where else in my life I could possibly put it and...weirdly, I trust y'all lmfao

There's something so painfully unnerving about having someone be genuinely interested in you after being single for so long, and I don't think—for all of my internal belief that I was ready for "the right relationship" when it came for me—I was prepared for how much there is a very real part of me that desperately wants to run and hide from it solely because it challenges my internal status quo.

The thing is....when I last had a meaningful breakup with a semi-serious partner (2019), I treated being single as a temporary state; something to "get through" until I found a new partner, and I went through the classic dating app gambit and saw men and women and tried to "put myself out there" the way they tell you to do. Then, after realizing how little I wanted to deal with casual dating and hookups—and after being told on my birthday a man I'd been talking to for four months already had a GF of two years—I lost a taste for trying to make something out of nothing and just put sex and dating entirely on the back burner, instead taking the "you can only control you" advice I'd always seen so I could focus figuring out who I was without a partner to constantly distract me from that.

From probably the beginning of COVID, that meant focusing on ...just every single aspect of myself. From healing the mental anguish of burning out of my (then) previous job, finding the bravery to do things I would always do with partners by myself (going to the movies, going out to eat, even shit like solo international travel) and even just letting my "inner nerd" come to the fore because I didn't have anyone looking at me funny for doing things like spending hours writing Stranger Things analysis or learning to make gifs (lol), I've spent nearly the last four years just...learning to like all the random corners of myself as myself, finding out what it felt like to go to sleep alone and content with the woman staring at me in the mirror.

In doing that though...so much fell into place for me in so many areas it never managed to when romance was a priority. I got a job that I absolutely love, and make more money than I even thought possible ever, nevermind before 30. I went from having roommates and shit credit to having my own apartment and fixing a lot of the financial mistakes I made in my early 20s. I learned to take better care of my body—going to all the doctors i had avoided for years, taking accountability the aspects of my health I could control, and losing the nearly 60 lbs I gained from illness and medicine (and poor habits) in that previous 4 year period. I traveled to New Zealand for the first time, went to all the concerts and music festivals and events that growing up poor had denied me, and learned how to be comfortable doing everything from buying cars to making serious appointments all alone. All of that happened because I was single, not in spite of it—and as I realized how much mental space "the pursuit of love" had taken from everything else, being single slowly started to feel like a boon from the universe in a way my formerly partnered or "crushing" or "dating" self could not have even dreamed.

Granted—that was not an easy process. Even right now I'm not sure it would be honest to say I always enjoyed it, especially at first. Some days being "single and not looking" felt like the world was crushing me under the weight of being alone, from how much easier it seemed emotionally, mentally and even financially for my partnered friends (because "a burden shared is a burden halved" as they say) to the way when the walls closed in and life got really hard, the only other being in the room was my cat and....maybe God.

Learning not to be annoyed when one of my friends found someone they loved and wanted to be with seriously—often moving toward marriage, because that's the era of life I'm in—was still a challenge, and not wanting to bite people's heads off when they said "but aren't you lonely" still happened a fair amount. Slowly becoming desensitized to my body as a sexual entity felt strange at first, but then it slowly changed into something comforting as I realized that a lot of the sex I was having before wasn't rooted in an expression of affection or desire for my partner, but expectation, habit, and a refusal to accept that I was actually pretty fucking demisexual. I started looking at my own relationship history and other people's as something to be studied and considered not emotionally, but logically—and slowly slipped into a version of myself the me of my early 20s could not have ever fathomed.

It wasn't even until I was in New York in May that I realized, probably for the first time in all that time, that I had accomplished all of what my "intentionally single era" was designed to do. I was a featured speaker on a panel with one of the largest design magazines in the entire world—but more than that, I was someone I liked, respected, and wanted to be, because when I looked in the mirror, who stared back made me happy as fuck to know.

So, I said I would be more open to meeting new people again. And within—I shit you not—three weeks, this man shows up on my birthday of all days and within five meetings wheedles his way not just into "oh he's kind of cute" territory, but all the way to me kissing his cheek, saying his mispronunciation of a word he's only read is cute and holding his hand at a concert on a random Wednesday.

I literally cannot tell you how unnerving that feels. I cannot tell you how much I can feel the walls of my four years of singleness wanting to shut him out despite all the green flags he's managed to present at record fucking speed, especially compared to all the partners I had before him. I cannot tell you how much even the usually nice feeling of liking someone feels sullied by my own sincere doubt this is going to work out in the long run, or how even the smallest things he does that aren't like me feel like giant red flags because I've spent so much time focusing solely on myself even a smidgen of someone else in that space feels enormous.

I cannot tell you how weird it feels to have someone look at me with desire, both for my body and to know me more; how weird it feels to sense the starting of attraction in myself because someone has laid so much of themselves at my feet and still stayed present despite my overwhelming desire to isolate and intellectualize. To me, its been four seconds of my life since I met this man—someone who I honestly didn't even think I would like that much, and who made me defensive solely because he was reaching for something I wasn't even sure I was ready to give—and him being intentional about seeing me, remembering things about me and complementing me feels like an overstep...even though it's probably one of the healthiest things that could be happening to me.

Even the fact that I told him about my family, my struggle with anxiety and my distancing myself from sex for so long feels fucking insane to ME, and I'm the one who did it. It feels like this little lonely, touch-starved gremlin inside of me has been let out of her cage on a leash and still managed to run to the front of the deck and start barking directions. Two inches forward feels like a mile when you've spent just under half a decade not moving at all—and while I don't feel overwhelmed by it yet, this whole thing gives me anxiety even as I'm nearly desperate at this point to let myself explore it.

I don't know. I might regret even say this, though I don't think so; even if it doesn't work out, it was going to happen sometime and with someone. I just. Its new. Its different. It is just about as far out of my comfort zone as I could get, and that feels weird to say considering how the me of "before" would have laughed at how little has actually been done. There really isn't anything to do at this point but see it through as far as it makes sense to—and to accept the want that it returns to me, no matter how horrifying that seems in the moment...and as he texts me, as I write this even now.

I'm nervous, I'm anxious, and I'm excited. Right now, I think that's all i've got.

[yuriko-mukami]

Her Calamity Dark 05

Beta reader: @ruki-mukami-dl

Chapter Selection

Karlheinz-sama leaned his backside on the edge of his desk as the last words from him still wafted in the air. I was baffled by how much there had been I had not known before. But now, my savior finally trusted me enough to share his whole past with the First Bloods. Before I had simply figured out they were his sworn enemies which had made me suspicious when they had appeared in the Ryoutei Academy. But after hearing the story from ancient times, I understood that they possessed a serious threat if they were attacking against the rightful reign of the Vampire king.

“But the Endzeit should end them eventually…” Shu did not bother to lift his eyelids while he spoke. “I see no reason to act if they don’t.”

For once, I agreed with the eldest Sakamaki. If the disease would do our dirty work for us, there was no reason to start an unnecessary fight. At least, if the First Bloods wouldn’t act on their own. I could understand why they had left the Banmaden. Even if the reason for the castle boundaries being open again was still unclear, I would have done the same if I had been in their shoes. Centuries of imprisonment sounded like hell I never wished to face. It was a miracle that they had not ended their lives on their own.

Karlheinz-sama nodded. “Waiting game is sometimes the best course of action. Yet, no game should be played with only one pawn. Reiji is working to find a way to activate the disease faster and spread it to those who are… one way or another tied to these disturbances. If there are such people.”

The words sank like ice into my stomach. There was no blood bond between me and Tsukinami Shin but for Yuriko’s sake, we had made an agreement. Would that be enough? And what about Yuriko’s contract with the same man? Or her blood relatives in that village we had visited when we saved her brother? I had no idea what kind of tie there was between the Founders and the Kitsune.

Freezing shivers ran down my spine but I kept my face emotionless. I would need to brace myself. It seemed clearer and clearer that if this conflict were to escalate, I would have to decide between my great love and my benefactor. 

I had promised to protect Yuriko. But if I had to keep her safe from an ancient disease, I would need to flee with her to somewhere she could not get ill.

“So, Reiji is already working on it? Even fewer reasons for me to do anything about this.” Shu’s ignorance was almost an atrocity but I could not say anything since I had endangered everything on my end.

Had I failed Karlheinz-sama? Could I truly serve him while my heart was bound with my angel? The trail of thoughts was tormenting me. I could not let her go, for she was the sole light in all this darkness. Then again, I had given my life in Karlheinz-sama’s hands. My temples started to throb the more I thought about this. If his benefit crossed with Yuriko’s what could I do?

“Shu… for Eve chose you, the biggest responsibilities of them all are placed on your shoulders.” Karlheinz-sama straightened up, and I did the same. Did I even deserve to be in the same room with him right now? “As my heir, you are to receive the power to burn this world and each unloving creature of it. From those ashes, Adam and Eve will truly rise and start a new era. From those ashes, will begin the new species who have the human ability to love and the magical skills of the demons.”

Something clicked in my head. I focused on keeping my face as emotionless as possible. Why did we need new species for that? I was sure that I was in love with Yuriko and I was — without a doubt — a demonic creature. Yuriko, too, was partly demonic due to her Kitsune side. And we both had our magical abilities. Though, to be honest, we both were halfbreeds. Perhaps that was the problem.

Either way, I said nothing. I was still unsure about my place in the current wave of actions.

Shu, however, tensed all over and opened his eyes. “Haa… bothersome.” The usual listlessness had disappeared from his voice. If anything his choice of the word was a contradiction of his very being at this moment. It was like he had finally woken up.

“Bothersome or not, that is your destiny. If you are not able to do it, the whole world will be doomed.” Karlheinz-sama did not elaborate but laid his golden gaze over his firstborn son. “Someone could think you are afraid of your duty.”

I could hear how Shu gritted his teeth. “If I’m afraid of something it’s the amount of unnecessary work you’re trying to load for me.”

“Yet it was Eve who chose you.” Karlheinz-sama hummed, placing his hand on the hourglass on his desk.

“I saw enough fire when I saved Yui from their house last month.” Shu glanced at me as if it had been my fault that Yuma had set his room in flames. While I agreed it had not been one of his wisest decisions, I would not voice out my opinion and throw my true brother to the wolves.

“Which is a proof that this time…” Karlheinz-sama drifted off in the middle of his sentence, glancing at the table and tapping the hourglass with his index finger. Slowly, he lifted his gaze again. “That this time, you will finally be able to overcome this obstacle you have battled with for such a long while.”

Shu did not answer. But his reaction had made me curious. I was worried about the flames Karlheinz-sama had just mentioned because I simply did not wish the world to burn. Not when my angel inhabited it. But Shu… It seemed that something else was the problem. What was going through the mind of the eldest Sakamaki?

“Perhaps, Ruki’s girl is the key to solving this matter for good.” Karlheinz-sama laid his eyes on me. I had time to notice how Shu’s gaze turned too, before I was a captive for my benefactor’s observation. 

“Forgive me, Karlheinz-sama, but I do not see how Yuriko could help Shu out.” Neither did I want that pervert near her. Shu had gotten his hands on Eve but would not lay his dirty fingers on what was mine.

Karlheinz-sama chuckled as if I had just amused him. “She is quite a firecracker. I’m not wrong, am I?”

“Her ability to use fire is still vague and unreliable. The flames seem to be tied to her emotions and…” I shut my mouth. 

“...and she has been through a lot because of her background. Do you not think, Ruki, that helping our cause would give her something else to concentrate on?” Karlheinz-sama smiled. “If anything, aiding Shu would give her a chance to practice which means she will be ready to defend herself in case we will be heading to war with the First Bloods.”

“All due respect, it is not up to me to decide.” And if it was, I did not wish Yuriko to do this.

“Always so stern, Ruki. Just say it directly, you don’t want to introduce this little plaything of yours to me.” Shu smirked but lacked his usual smugness as I glanced at him. It was like he wished for me to make sure Yuriko’s path would not cross with his.

Karlheinz-sama sighed, catching our attention. “All this will be settled later. The familiars will bring dinner invitations to you when the time has come. Be sure that you will arrive with Eve, Shu.” My benefactor stared at his son for a while before turning his unrelenting gaze to me. “And you, Ruki, I expect to see our little anomaly at that very dinner table too.”

I lowered my head but I could not help the stiffness in my muscles. “As you wish, Karlheinz-sama.”

[sukimas]

Hi! I do, in fact, have you blocked on your actual blog and your name hidden on Tumblr's blacklist. (Same with Marissa, by the way.)

This would obviously be harassment even if that wasn't the case, though. I made a post on my on blog about someone who I felt was stepping over the line, cutting out the URL, and I get seven paragraphs in my inbox.

I think that both of you are huge assholes, and your cruel vagueposting about a friend I've had for seven years didn't help with that assessment either a month ago. I saw an image referencing the two of you a few days ago which I couldn't blacklist my way around, so I ended up scrolling the archive of Marissa's blog on and off this week to see if it was still acting as immature as always.

(I don't know if it told you this, but I told it that I would unblock it after the incident a month ago if and when it matured as a person. It evidently has not done that!)

Please consider how horrible it is to have former acquaintances, not friends, who joke about performing the action that caused you to block them in the first place. "It's just a joke lol" doesn't help when it isn't something appropriate to joke about. I do not think it would be appropriate, for instance, to "joke" about showing up to someone's front door if they have told you in no uncertain terms they don't want you to contact them again.

This is the same category of behavior that I saw it exhibiting towards a friend of mine in public. Making two blogs to block evade and beg for someone's friendship back, leaving a reply with 13 "please"s, and then posting about how you feel like everyone abandons you is not appropriate behavior, no matter how mentally ill you are.

To be honest, it feels like the only reason you contacted me was because you have built me up in your head as someone who is incapable of disliking others on its own terms. You have given me the impression that you think the only reason I would come to dislike someone is if someone has been whispering in my ear about it, instead of the obvious immature behavior I've observed for months. You have come to my inbox solely to try and drive a wedge between me and the person whose name is retracted in this message, not in order to improve my relationship with Marissa or to improve its life.

Do you have any idea how cruel that is? Do you think that starting a whisper campaign about someone across the site is appropriate just because you say not to answer it publicly? On the other hand, do you think that people are just going to lie there while you act as if they have no agency in their own actions? Come on now. If it's immature to scroll someone's archive, fucking call me immature about it. Don't make up some way that it's the fault of someone who you have a tumor in your head telling you is the Devil.

I'm obviously redacting both the name and pronouns of the person you tried to drag through the mud in my inbox, because it's not my place to talk about it. This is in contrast to things that are publicly available on tumblr dot com, which most certainly are my place to talk about. Like the screenshotted post.

Of course, I'm playing by your rules of following instructions to the letter and not answering this publicly. I'm simply screenshotting it and posting it.

[blooky8]

started watching original animaniacs today, after 2 episodes i can already feel all my mental illnesses being cured, mood lifted & silliness increased to 100%

some comments: i really like their singing here! it's definitely different from the reboot, their voices (esp yakko's and wakko's) seem more relaxed and childish in a way? and it sound reeeaaally good, wakko is my favorite singer from the og show i think, while in the reboot i like yakko the most (but to be fair they just gave him more chances to show off) and the humor, it's meta but way less so than in the reboot, also feels a bit more honest and childish, which is nice. oftentimes it's just word-plays and gags, the sole goal of which is "to annoy the shit out of everyone around & have fun while doing it", and that always gets me, for example their first individual therapy sessions got me laughing under the table. so smug, but so simple and honest! also, something important to keep in mind: warners never actually try to hurt anyone who isn't a complete asshole, like annoying scratchy is pretty fun and harmless, but in the second episode they noticed that einstein is clearly upset, crying and calling himself a failure, so they tried to cheer him up with a song (and it worked)! they're just kids who want to have fun :) the visuals are also great. the animation is good quality, very jumpy & flowing & free to do what it wants, and that's a huge part of expressing warners' zany, insane-y nature! at times it looks a bit wacky, especially i notice that with mice, but i think that's the point, it makes characters 100 times funnier, at least for me. those last screenshots with patb absolutely sent me

(btw, more screenshots below tehee （￣︶￣）↴ )

[tauforged]

hoenstly i as a person just really struggle to engage with “angst for the sake of angst” style fan content for most things because it simply makes me more upset. not to say that it’s Bad TM i’m not pissing on the poor here i just personally absorb emotions from things im watching/reading like a sponge and if im unable to tie that whole thing off neatly with a conclusion i spend the rest of my day walking around feeling stuck halfway between real life and the story, emotionally speaking. it’s why i feel compelled to wait for a show to finish before i can start watching it and other such things. like if i started watching a show and the season ended on a really depressing note there’s a good chance that i would be so bummed out i wouldn’t want to wait until the next season starts to see what happens and i’d just give up there. or i just start coming up with my own ideas as to what i think could/should have happened and then i don’t want to actually watch the rest of it because im too attached to the version of events that exists solely in my head. does any of that make sense? whatever. anyway a big reason i quit RPing on my sideblogs (if anyone even remembers those) aside from not having any free time was that i jsut kept getting way too into character and making myself irrationally upset because while the story arcs we kept coming up with were SO tasty from a narrative standpoint they also were just exhausting for me to keep getting deep into the weeds of and i had to tap out . which is sucks because it was loads of fun . i don’t remember where i was originally going with this ill be honest

[medievildead]

for the ship opinion bingo kratos/heimdall 👉👈

HOOOO BOY SORRY THIS TURNED INTO A RANT however you did ask for my opinion and this is my blog so you know what. I am gonna post it. And this will be the only time I talk about it.

I reeeeeally don't like kradall it creeps me out and I don't understand it at fucking all. I see people try to make Hear Me Out posts about them and AUs about them and it just makes less and less sense to me (and I KNOW this is bold ass words coming from me I KNOW) but the canon dynamic that does exist for them at no point to me ever at all in the slightest tipped me off or made me think to ship them. Never clicked.

Then again you gotta remember that I'm someone who has been autistic about Kratos since 2005 and I am so incredibly damn picky about shipping him unironically with anyone. Shipping Kratos with Heimdall knowing the kind of person Kratos is and what hes gone through to Become his new self in the norse saga just doesn't make sense. A lot of kradall I see (that isn't non/con honestly another huge reason I don't vibe with it is that a bunch of people use it as a bolt for r/pe stuff in the early moments of Ragnarok fandom) is just them in a very ooc marriage situation I can't wrap my head around. Throwing Kratos into a heavy intense relationship is dumb to me like it took him centuries to fucking get over Lysandra and then moving on to Faye and I'm expected to belive the Hear Me Out posts about why Kratos would be in a long term relationship with.... Heimdall? The guy who is a complete prick to giants? Who actively said misogynistic shit about Atreus' mom who Kratos still loves with his whole heart? And threatened to actively kill his 14 year old son? Kratos's son? Kratos who has lifelong trauma about his child dying from war? I'm not buying it im sorry. No way you cook it will convince me.

In the early points of the ships existence honestly felt to me like people who were into Heimdall just wanted to explore a crutch for brat breaking. But its just genuinley not something I'm into. I'm a firm believer of ship and let ship as long as its harmless and for the most part it is! It's people having fun but it's not for me and never, ever ever will be no matter what and there is a reason I don't talk about it on this blog.

I've been in this fandom a long time and let me say Kratos x Heimdall reminds me a lot of when GoW3 came out and people started shipping and writing tons of Kratos x Hermes dubcon stuff for the sole reason of yaoi fujoshi people wanted to fetishize the gay male power dynamic. Its like I honestly feel some people see a big muscular man and a smaller effeminate man and are like "oh I need to make one a submissive girl" like again I know its just words and pictures on a screen but I have been here long enough to be Very Tired of seeing my sexuality get used as a fetish tool sjshskdnks

And. And ill be honest. And this is petty and trust me this is literally just me and my opinion but I cannot fucking stress how utterly confused and flabbergasted because FREYR IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. HE IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. BLATANTLY INTO KRATOS, A COMPLETE KIND SWEETHEART FULL OF LOVE, EXACTLY THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD SHOW KRATOS A GOOD TIME AND HAS AN ADORABLE ONSCREEN DYNAMIC THAT DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE AU'd OR CHANGED TO MAKE SENSE AND THIS FANDOM DOES NOTHING WITH IT. I see so many AUs where Heimdall survives to get with Kratos and valid but you know what??? I am gonna be angry, WHERE ARE MY FREYR LIVES AUs. WHERE ARE MY AUs WHERE FREYR LIVES AND GETS KRATOS ASCENDED ON THAT VANAHEIM ZA???????

LIKE FORREAL. I honestly feel like this fandom gets so blindsided by Heimdall and wanting to put him in situations and hell I'm guilty of it too, but I have genuinley met GoW Heimdall likers that straight up forgot Freyr existed and it shocks me. I don't get it!!!!!!

Theres a reason I ship Heimdall x Hermes together and its because their individual dynamics are so unbelievably compatible and I like to explore that. But I get people wanting something more realistic in universe as a muse. When it does come to shipping Heimdall with someone else in canon that makes absolute dynamic sense to me, I gotta be honest, Heimdall x Gná is the only "heimdall gets a dom" pairing that I can realistically get behind. Since they both would actually like each other despite being hated by all their peers for their devotion to Odin. Is it healthy? No, but Kradall isn't exactly peaches and cream either. So we work with what we got babey!!!!

[johannestevans]

The Precarity of Subscription-Based Income

We’re basically busking online. No wonder we have anxiety about it.

This piece is also on Medium.

So let’s start out by saying that in the scheme of things, I am doing okay. I am not starving, I am not at risk of losing my home, and most months I can afford all the medications and medical care I am prescribed without difficulty.

This is a piece intended for online artists and other creators to work through the emotions of this kind of precarity and insecurity — it’s not intended to make any of my fans or my regular readers feel guilty for not giving me more money, or to guilt people into giving me money when they do not have it to give.

In fact, that mutual — if not near universal! — feeling of financial anxiety is precisely what this piece is about.

I have one novel out, for which I do earn some royalties, but the vast majority of my earnings come from Medium and Patreon. All of my streams of income together — book royalties, Medium, Patreon, and scattered bits and pieces here and there — I earn about $1400-$1500 USD a month most months, sometimes less.

Previously I earned less on Patreon but I was earning more royalties on books then, but as time goes on you tend to reach a plateau on book sales as you reach the organic audience for that book — the only way I’ll get a bigger boost to sales now is if I get very lucky with a review on a big publication or, (this will likely come sooner), I finish up another novel.

Some months I earn more, because I earn a bunch of tips, or there was a big boost of sales to one of my books. Most months, that does not happen, especially now that Twitter has died off as a platform — when I did TweetFics that got big, I was often able to boost my tip jar, but now that Twitter’s lost a lot of its traction, that’s no longer a possibility.

It’s not terrible money. It’s actually more reliable as income than when I worked hospitality as a porter, where between my own chronic illness and injury, and hotels loving a bit of casual “accidental” wage theft, I’d often end up with less pay than I was expecting.

What I make is enough for me to live on, for the most part, and I know I’m very lucky to make that much.

I make ~€1300/a month ($1400 USD a month. About $350 a week), rent is €460 — after rent, I have about €210 to live on per week.

My asthma inhalers cost about €80. My testosterone, which I get every 12 weeks, costs about €80. Normally as per the Irish drugs payment scheme, I can get them at the same time and pay €80 for everything. It costs €35 — €50 to go to the doctor and get my testosterone administered, depending on if I’m also getting bloods done at the same time.

My teeth were majorly fucked up, and for a while the cost of my dental care was fucking destroying me, especially when I had to get surgery to remove some teeth, but thankfully I’m mostly on top of that now. I am dreading, on the other hand, having to start a different med to treat my arthritis or otherwise becoming injured or further unwell — I should be in physiotherapy, but the cost is prohibitive; my counsellor takes a voluntary contribution because I see him through a charity for rape survivors, and thank God, because regular private therapy is pretty expensive.

The cost of groceries in Ireland is… high.

To be honest, the cost of most things in Ireland is high, which is part of the reason I want to move back to the UK — with that said, because of the Artists’ Exemption for artists in Ireland, my income goes a bit further it isn’t taxed, I only my universal contribution. In the UK there’s no similar scheme, and the orchestrated fuel “crisis” where energy companies (and the politicians they went to school with) are hiking prices as high as possible to make record profits is even more hard-hitting than in Ireland.

I would love to say that that the tax exemption exists solely because Ireland is a wonderful place for artists, and because Ireland does so much to encourage its artists to create, to have time to create, to have money to create. Ireland is not perfect, but it absolutely does do that, it does try, and it does better than a lot of places. Ireland has a lot of initiatives in place for artists and I love and appreciate that so much!

But also, artists are often fucking impoverished, and very few of them make enough money to live on. Most writers in Ireland make a few hundred euro a year, let alone enough money to survive on.

I do. For the most part, I do make enough money to live on, and not just survive, but do okay. Yes, I panic about money every other week, no, I don’t put money away in savings or a pension scheme or health insurance because I simply don’t have the money, but mostly, I do okay.

And this is with writing being my sole income, without working another job at the same time. A lot of people are doing this sort of subscription-based work whilst being in full-time or part-time employment at the same time — and a lot of people are like me, who just physically can’t really do that, even though it would lead to mildly more economic stability.

I say mildly more because, let’s face it, wages are pretty low, not remotely in line with the cost of living, many hours are demanded from workers — often unpredictably — and bosses know that workers do not have much other option than taking their worst treatment.

Every time someone unsubscribes on Patreon or Medium, I notice, and I panic a little bit — and the thing is, the difference is only going to be, what, $2 or $3 a month? That’s an incredibly small amount. Yes, some people do subscribe on Patreon for larger amounts (for which I’m very grateful), but most people really can’t afford that much because they are also experiencing the weight of a cost of living crisis, the prohibitive cost of being chronically ill during a worldwide pandemic, the impact of not just wage stagnation but casual workers’ abuses, etc.

The amount people spend to subscribe to my body of work is equivalent to a few coins out of their pocket, and I’m constantly aware that many people can’t even afford that at times, which is part of why I have so much free fiction available and why I never guilt anybody for “pirating” my work.

But when people do unsubscribe and I get that moment of panic, I feel guilty for it — Hell, I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to make more money and working to make more money, because I know that every additional few dollars a month from someone on my subscription services is a real person who’s putting money my way.

And that feeling? That shame and guilt for wanting to make more money, because I want to make enough money to be comfortable and to be secure? That comes from knowing how many other people are just like me or are doing worse, and don’t even have the precarious security of income that I have.

So many of my friends gain their incomes from Patreon, Medium, or Substack, from regular tips on sites like Ko-Fi, or from sites like OnlyFans and JustForFans, etc.

We either earn money per item or piece of material (for me that would be book sales, but for others it might be sales of pictures or videos, pieces of art, online resources, etc), or we earn tips here and there on free content (which are inherently unpredictable, much like tips IRL for buskers and entertainers), or we have people who subscribe monthly or annually for a a regular amount.

As a “content creator”, regardless of what that content is, there is constant fear and anxiety.

Is this content appealing to a wide enough audience? Should I be appealing to a wide audience, or should I aim for a specific niche audience?

A wider audience means more people to market to who might give you money, but a niche audience means that while the audience pool itself is smaller, that audience is going to be more inclined to pay you, because they are starved for content otherwise.

I’m gay, trans, and disabled, and much of my work centres around gay, trans, disabled men — and much of my audience is of similar men or other queer and disabled people. Yes, it’s a smaller niche than the broader straight audience, and we’re far less likely to have as much money as straight abled people, but because there’s barely any work created with us in mind, people are more motivated to shell out for the content they crave.

“Content,” because while I’m an artist and an author and a creator, it’s not just about my actual fic, but also about “content” such as Tweets and asks and advice and funny posts and selfies, all of which are nebulously shoved into the same label of “content” for the social media mill, to be “consumed”.

I resent this language, naturally, because for the most part I don’t think a lot of my social media stuff is considerable enough to be content I would charge for, but also because it flattens all manner of art and material and acts of creation into one marketable word, and while it’s partly done because of the endless tread of capitalist nonsense, it’s also done because capitalism demands artists — and art — be defanged and made marketable.

But another piece of language that I really don’t like and avoid using myself is “donations”. I have a tip jar, and I’m grateful when people tip me, but they are tipping me because they enjoy some aspect of the entertainment work I do, whether that’s my Tweets or Tumblr posts, my movie reviews or commentary, my fiction, my selfies, whatever.

It’s not a donation. It’s not charity. There’s nothing wrong with accepting or needing charity, but it would bother me to solicit charity, because I don’t believe I am sufficiently deserving of it, and if someone’s giving money out of charity, I’d rather they give it to someone who needs it more than I do.

Some cishet people will absolutely feel guilty after reading some posts and be like, “oh, I’m gonna give some money to this trans guy on the internet to assuage my guilt about not doing enough to protect or care for trans people in my actual community,” and that’s annoying, but it’s not surprising — but cishet people’s guilt isn’t something that I really want to play on, because there’s other people who could and should benefit from it far more than I would.

But to other trans and disabled people, I’m absolutely not going to present myself as being on the brink of poverty, because I’m not! God knows there are enough grifters online who present a lot of their solicitations for money as charitable giving, either for themselves or others, in order to spin a profit — and more importantly, there are a lot more people who fucking need to rely on charity and/or reparations from the guilt-ridden who can’t produce the sort of work that I can on the scale that I do.

Which, this year I’ve been publishing a piece every week or so — a piece for me might be an erotic short or other short story, an essay or significant blog post, a serial chapter, etc.

I feel incredibly guilty when I struggle to put out a finished piece a week — ridiculous, given that that’s a lot for one person to put out per week, and is a lot more than many creators manage, but also?

In my back catalogue of published short stories and essays, there’s over 200 completed pieces, most of which are thousands of words long apiece, some being short novellas that are 20k+ long, all featuring a variety of different characters, tones, genres.

This isn’t even mentioning my serial fiction, where my serials together comprise of hundreds of thousands of words of fiction across a few genres and tones.

What do I have to feel guilty for? Why should I feel so much shame for not delivering “enough” to my audience, when I do deliver so much?

Because there’s a constant fear that if I don’t do enough (if I don’t do more than enough), that everyone will unsubscribe and either go to different creators or go to new people entirely. Because it feels like all my success as a creator is based on my personal performance and my goodness as a human being — because when we talk about being a “content creator”, a large part of the “content” being sold is oneself.

You’re not just selling your work: you have to sell your identity.

I have to sell that I’m gay and trans and disabled; I have to sell that I’m sexy and funny and confident; I have to sell that I’m witty and biting, but not too flawed in a way that will make people hate me and change their minds about financially supporting me. There are absolutely people who engage with my work — either initially or over time — because they find me personally sexy, which is fine, I am sexy!

But that’s a lot of pressure, and there’s not really a choice to opt out of that pressure to sell one’s self because of the constant grind of social media, the desperate need to stay relevant, and also to cultivate some form of parasocial loyalty from one’s fans.

So when someone unsubscribes on Patreon, there are so many initial fears — Did I do something wrong? Did I not post enough? Did I post too much of the wrong thing? When I said this, was it read as offensive or cruel? Was it taken out of context? Are people talking about me and deciding together that I’m not worth the money anymore? Do people hate me personally? Was I too gay or too trans or too disabled? Was I too horny, or not horny enough?

I don’t have OCD, but all of the above can really easily feed into OCD spiralling, and for many creator friends of mine who do have OCD and grapple with these sort of moralising self-analytical intrusive thoughts, it’s constant and really difficult not to think about.

And the thing is, those are all the wrong questions to ask.

People might well hate me or not think I’m worth the money, or I might be posting the wrong content at the moment, or they might have outgrown me or grown bored of my work, or they might find me dickish and annoying — that’s none of my business. None of those people are my friends, and they don’t owe me an explanation or an answer to any of those anxieties.

They were paying me money in exchange for being entertained by me, and if for some reason they stopped being entertained by me, then it’s right that they should stop paying and go do something else with their money!

But the more likely explanations for people unsubscribing are ones like this, because many people have limited cash to spend:

Recently I’ve been having to work a lot more hours and I’m not reading as much fiction as I did.

Recently I’m sick and tired and struggle to concentrate on fiction.

I’m subscribed to a bunch of creators on Patreon and Johannes’ work is the one I have the least time for/motivation for, so if I’m going to cut one out, it will be him.

I hate reading fiction on Patreon or I otherwise dislike the platform and so I’m just unsubscribing from all the creators on there.

I used to read a lot of this guy’s TweetFic because it was so easy to read, but his other fiction is harder for me to get into, and I can’t justify the cost for work I’m not engaging with.

I’ve read through all of this guy’s back catalogue quite quickly and I’m going to unsubscribe and come back to his work in a year or two when he puts out more work.

For a while he was writing fic about specific characters or in a specific genre that I enjoy, but he’s currently focusing on other things. I will return when he does my favourite things again.

Johannes is posting too much and I’m finding it overwhelming and it’s making me guilty that I don’t have time to keep up, so I’m going to unsubscribe and come back when I have more time.

I’m unsubscribing from Patreon so that I can subscribe on Medium instead.

Or many other reasons.

In short, every single person who is subscribed to me and my work on one of these platforms is a person with their own vastly complicated life and potential reasons for subscribing and unsubscribing. While I’m sure a handful of them might well be unsubscribing with the intention of punishing me or “voting with their feet” to go elsewhere, for a lot more, I’m sure it’s not really a thought.

It will be as simple as “I am spending money on this. Am I using my subscription and engaging (and enjoying engaging with) what the subscription is for? No? Then I will unsubscribe,” which all of us do all the time, and is quite natural!

This will be the case for people who subscribe to me for fiction, but also who subscribe to any other creators for art, for video essays or other videos, for essays and media analysis, for critical commentary, for pornography and erotica, for tutorials, for all manner of creators who earn money from individual subscribers.

How do we cope with that?

How do we remember that, when everywhere we go we’re blasted in the face with the principles of Hustle Culture and Grind Culture and whatever other awful euphemisms that are pushed at us? Where your identity is the work you create and the value you have, and whenever you’re not working, you must feel shame for being alive?

Once I have the trick of it, I’ll be sure to share it around. In the meantime, I do think that transparency and thinking out loud about the reality of the mental toll can help a bit.

If you can’t economically support your favourite creators, do remember that just sharing their work with others or engaging with it — via review or recommendation or just commenting and so on — also really helps them because that engagement boosts their reach to others through you, but also like…

I don’t think you should ever feel guilty if, for any reason, you can’t do that either. So many feelings of guilt or shame are already preyed upon by commercial forces for the purposes of gaining access to some of your money, and on social media, your attention and your emotion are reached for in the same way, and it just sucks.

In an ideal world, things wouldn’t be the way they are — in the world we live in, my goals are to make more money by reaching a broader audience and delivering a broader variety of work to click with that audience, and doing my best to avoid making anyone feel guilty in the meantime.

That’s the crux of it, I think — as a creator, I feel a lot of those horrible feelings of guilt and shame and anxiety because of the way our economy and my financial precarity exist, and what I don’t want to do is pass on those horrible feelings to fans so that they’ll give me money. Rich people use that cycle of emotion to accumulate as much wealth as possible — normal people just do it to fucking survive, and if I can survive without contributing to it, that’s what I’ll do.

[anthonybrxdgerton]

i completely respect an actors choice to step away from a project but IMAGINE: S2 where Simon, as the godson to lady D and the closest male relation (plus a duke to boot) takes on the responsibility of male protection for kate/edwina. meaning he get revenge on anthony when he starts courting edwina and also immediately figures out hes in love with kate. once anthony and kate are engaged he makes a point to chaperon & keep them from doing the hanky panky pre wedding

Simon would have put the end to Anthony's stupidity as soon as he had the chance, let's be honest here. And Kate and Anthony would give him a run for his money while sneaking out unchaperoned until Simon threatens to borrow the cane from his godmother. Not that it stops them, they're just getting more creative.

This ask inspired me to write something short, hope you enjoy that!

Simon shakes his head in disbelief as he observes his oldest friend continuously embarrassing himself whenever he is in Kate’s presence. The sight of Miss Edwina, completely oblivious to her surroundings as she gazes adoringly at Anthony, who only has eyes for her sister, causes Simon to narrow his eyes and sigh with defeat.

Later that evening, Simon takes Anthony to Mondrich’s club, where he listens with growing irritation as his friend recounts their day together, focusing solely on the eldest Miss Sharma. Simon shakes his head, trying to bite down the annoyance. There is only one way to make Anthony see reason and stop the impending disaster Simon can see happening, and he knows he needs to stay calm.

“You’re doing a phenomenal job of making her fall in love with you,” Simon remarks nonchalantly, feigning disinterest as he surveys the establishment. “I assume you’ve had a change of heart regarding a love match? I am proud of you, old friend.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Simon notices Anthony freeze, setting down the drink he was about to consume. Simon hides his smirk behind a mask of indifference.

Hook.

“What are you talking about?” Anthony’s voice is full of warning and Simon snickers inside. Oh, this shall be good.

He makes a big show of pretending he doesn’t hear him until Anthony is forced to repeat the question. “Oh, come on, Bridgerton, no need to be modest here! Miss Edwina can barely tear her eyes away from you, blushing every time you so much as look at her. And you are the only thing she wants to discuss, too,” Simon adds with a smirk. “Just the other night, she was telling us how deeply in love you must be, courting her so ardently and inviting her to Aubrey Hall so early. Miss Sharma and I were all ears.”

Anthony pales with each word until his hands are shaking.

Line.

Simon feels guilty for causing his friend such distress and for embellishing the truth. In reality, it wasn’t Miss Edwina who confided in him; it was Kate who approached him with her concerns, troubled by Edwina’s infatuation with the viscount. Simon promised Kate to help Anthony see reason and do everything in his power to prevent the courtship from progressing, all without causing any scandal. After all, Anthony’s desire for a loveless marriage didn’t align with Edwina’s dreams.

He repeats that to himself to appease his conscience as he takes a deep breath, preparing to deliver the final blow.

“Miss Edwina believes she has found a love match with you,” Simon says, hoping to shock Anthony into reconsidering his ill-conceived plan.

Anthony’s eyes widen in a mix of shock, horror, and concern, leaving Simon uncertain of his true emotions. Nevertheless, Simon knows that this revelation is necessary for Anthony to abandon his ill-thought-out plan.

“I do not— this is not a love match,” Anthony hisses angrily after a while, downing his drink in one gulp. “You know this, Hastings. Miss Edwina must be mistaken.”

“Ah, but she believes otherwise,” Simon counters. “Miss Sharma and I tried to persuade her to give other suitors a chance, but she is already eagerly anticipating a proposal. She hopes for it to be as romantic as possible, Bridgerton, complete with a declaration of your undying love.”

Anthony’s jaw drops, and he swallows hard, vigorously shaking his head in disbelief.

Sinker.

Simon drinks his whiskey in peace, knowing his friend well enough to trust his judgment, even if what he had just said wasn’t entirely true. Sometimes, it was better for Anthony to remain blissfully unaware, Simon thinks. As much as it pains him to admit it, Anthony’s plan for a loveless marriage isn’t as uncommon as one might think — most marriages among the ton are business arrangements. However, Anthony’s plan had a flaw— he had chosen to pursue a woman who believed in love.

So, Simon might have lied a little about Edwina’s attachment. He and Kate know that Edwina likes Anthony, but she is not in love with the viscount — both Kate and Simon agree with that assessment, knowing that Edwina’s admiration will not turn into anything more if Anthony shifts his interest elsewhere.

Lost in his thoughts, Simon was interrupted by Anthony’s hesitant voice —a tone he had never heard from his friend before.

“I should have listened to Kate. She was right all along,” Anthony muttered to himself.

Simon’s eyes narrow. Kate? Since when is Anthony on the first name basis with Miss Sharma, the sister of the woman he’s courting?

However, Anthony’s nervously drumming fingers and glassy eyes’ prevent Simon from questioning him at that moment. But as soon as Bridgerton announces his intention to end the courtship and leaves the club to do so, Simon knows that he will have to have another conversation with his brother-in-law.

This time, it would be about the other Sharma sister.

He feels a dull ache in his temple and purses his lips. Only his best friend can give him a migraine without even trying.

God Almighty, Simon thinks, massaging his temples as the server pours him another drink, Bridgerton will only complicate his life even more now, won’t he?

And as Simon stares out the window, he can’t help but think about how Anthony seems to care more about Kate than Edwina. The fact that Kate blushed when Anthony complimented her dress earlier that day only adds to Simon’s headache.

He will have to keep them away from each other, right? He clenches his jaw at the thought and thinks about asking Daphne about her opinion.

Simon sighs as he stands up to go home, thinking about how much more suited Kate is for Anthony and how she would fit the role of Lady Bridgerton.

He pauses, considering. Now there’s an idea.

[pesterloglog]

Meenah Peixes, Cronus Ampora, Kankri Vantas

Act 6, page 5308

MEENAH: yo that was some scuzzy repartee there even for you crodog

CRONUS: the last thing my feelings need is your harsh judgment. i just cant handle that, on top of evwerything else youvwe done to me.

MEENAH: what the fuck else i done to you??

CRONUS: you ignored me.

MEENAH: ugh

CRONUS: this is serious. please dont dismiss my emotions like that.

CRONUS: look, i havwe an especially tortured and confused sole. i reelly cant afjord anemone more greef from you.

#eh? #ehhhh?

MEENAH: i cannot

MEENAH: B-ELI-EV-E

MEENAH: you are doing my fish pun thing while youre still tryin to hit on me

CRONUS: nyeh. vworth a shot.

MEENAH: dont ever say a fish thing again or ill gut you

CRONUS: you knowv, youre being a bit hypocritical here, dont you think?

MEENAH: what

CRONUS: taking me to task for ripping captor a sorely deservwed newv nook.

CRONUS: like you arent evwen more guilty of abusing the poor fella.

MEENAH: youre such a glubbin liar

CRONUS: oh am i?

CRONUS: tell me, pray tell, vwho vwas it exactly, in vwhich alternate univwerse, that used growvnup captor as a livwing vwarp drivwe in her spaceship for millenia?

#helmsman

MEENAH: hey that wasnt me

MEENAH: i mean

MEENAH: not yet... uh

MEENAH: alternate ways

#38|

CRONUS: oh sure. no grub sauce on your hands!

MEENAH: wow you did it

MEENAH: ampora you totally changed my mind about you lets start makin out immediately

#not

CRONUS: just admit it. you havwe it vwithin you to be just as harsh to our behelmeted buddy as i am, if not more.

#helmchan

MEENAH: man

MEENAH: a girls gotta have fuel for her pimp ride know what im sayin

MEENAH: like

MEENAH: i probably took care of him good

MEENAH: you know how it is someones gotta take care of the guy anyways

MEENAH: and... yeah

#38(

CRONUS: oh, howv the rationalizations begin to flowv vwhen it suits your ovwerinflated ego. so vwery typical of the kind of people vwho reject me.

#i.e. literally evweryone

MEENAH: at least i dont think im an alien

CRONUS: vwhat? vwhat are you talking about?

MEENAH: look at you all frontin in that stupid getup

MEENAH: with your slicked hair and that dumb little wand in your mouth

CRONUS: excuse me. its not a vwand. you knovw perfectly vwell my vwizarding days are behind me. its called a "human cigarette" and apparently youre supposed to set it on fire.

CRONUS: although if you ask me, burning it seems like a vwaste of a perfectly good and cool "cigarette."

MEENAH: i heard a rumor you think youre a human now

MEENAH: that true

CRONUS: its a privwate matter. i dont see vwhy i should havwe to talk about it vwith you, and open myself up to more of your judgmental scorn.

MEENAH: sounds like another desperate cry for attention imo

KANKRI: I feel I sh9uld jump in here at this m9ment, Meenah, 6ef9re y9u inadvertently shame Cr9nus f9r his extremely delicate feelings 9f species dysph9ria.

CRONUS: no, kankri... man, you dont need to jump in here and defend me like this. i got it.

MEENAH: aaaand im gone

MEENAH: you bros can figure out your boring feelings without me

CRONUS: meenah vwait... awv man. just like that, shes out of my life again. you had to go and fuck it up for me, didnt you? some "friends" i havwe.

KANKRI: Listen, I was d9ing y9u a fav9r. Y9u d9n't need t9 6e dating any9ne wh9 can't appreciate y9u f9r wh9 y9u really are, 9r m9re imp9rtantly, which fantasy versi9n 9f y9urself y9u m9st str9ngly identify with.

CRONUS: yeah, youre probably right. she doesnt appreciate me. so fevw of you cats do, really.

#evwen the ones vwho literally identify as cats

CRONUS: to be honest, she might be right. sometimes i think i might only be saying im a human to get attention. maybe i should givwe it up.

KANKRI: I'd 6e extremely disapp9inted t9 hear that, if it were true. That w9uld 6e such a slap in the face t9 all th9se wh9 kn9w themselves t9 6e an alien while trapped in the pedestrian 69dy 9f their 9wn race. It w9uld 6e unspeaka6ly invalidating 9f their struggles and massively triggering t9 their em9ti9ns.

#TW #invalidated struggles #triggered em9ti9ns

KANKRI: 6ut f9rtunately, I kn9w y9u w9uld never st99p as l9w as that. Y9u understanda6ly have d9u6ts a69ut y9ur feelings and pr96a6ly d9wnplay them as a defense mechanism, since s9 few are prepared t9 rec9gnize the legitimacy 9f y9ur plight. 6ut I am, and I just wanted y9u t9 kn9w that I'm here f9r y9u, and am prepared t9 lecture t9 y9u extensively, I mean, listen t9 y9u extensively, a69ut y9ur ultra-imp9rtant pr96lem.

CRONUS: vwowv. thanks, pal.

CRONUS: youre right. my feelings really are real. not fake, like the huge disappointing fraud that magic turned out to be.

CRONUS: i guess the truth is, deep dowvn i alvways knewv i vwas a 1950s-style human greaser.

CRONUS: i just needed to finally be introduced to human culture to make sense of those feelings.

KANKRI: W9nderful. I'm s9 happy y9u have f9und the light 9f truth within y9urself. N9w j9in me in tagging 9ur discussi9n with righte9us warnings, as we c9nsecrate y9ur disadvantage in the h9ly annals 9f Pr96lematics.

[anruraiocht]

miranda and her friege-isms

We know precious little about Ulster!! It's fine though!! I'm the only person alive who cares, but I care quite a bit!!

What we do know is that anywhere from 762 (765 if we think kaga is insane for thinking a two year old and three year old had enough developed long term memory to be able to recognize each other a decade later. Engage confirms this later timeline, more or less.) House Friege executes the king of Ulster and then Bloom moves right into his house.

Where does that leave the princess of Ulster, who was taken hostage?

Mental illness.

Whether she likes it or not, Miranda was more or less raised by House Friege (and Conomor) from age 2~5 to age 13~14* and this has irreversibly changed her as a person, reflected through gameplay.

Mage Knight

Miranda's promoted class, Mage Knight, is overwhelmingly associated with House Friege. As in, almost every other named Mage Knight throughout both Jugdral games belongs to House Friege, with the sole exceptions of Azelle and Miranda.

I stress the named part because one of Conomor's NPC bozos (Ulster aligned) in chapter 19 is a Mage Knight. He has Tornado and a Great Sword, if you're curious. The Mage Knight (Friege aligned) associated with Amalda in chapter 19 has Thoron instead, consistent with most of the other Friege aligned Mage Knights.

...Of course, we must remember that Ulster has been under Friege control for 13 years at this point, which muddies the waters on whether we can consider this sufficient evidence that Mage Knights are also common in Ulster or if this too is another case of adapting to the environment.

At most, we can prooooobably assume that one or both of her parents were a magic user in some way? Just due to the way class inheritance tends to happen between parents and children in Jugdral.

Wrath

While in her native FE5, Wrath as a personal skill is kind of just handed out to whoever (Miranda and Sara are the only two girls in FE5 who have Wrath as a personal skill, fun fact), in FE4, Wrath is locked to the playable members of House Friege minus Amid, plus Julius... who is neither playable nor a member of House Friege, betrothal aside, but I thought it was funny to bring up. Two ships passing in the night.

The Ethnia Issue

I just think Umemura made a really poor choice in reusing names here lmfao. Miranda has no Holy Blood to speak of, is unable to wield the Bragi Sword, and the timelines simply just don't line up. We know that Miranda was in Ulster at the time of the assassination attempt because that's how she knows Leif and co. This would have required Ethnia(F) to abandon Miranda by herself in Ulster to run away with Linda and Amid to Silesse and then be dragged back to Ulster with Linda anyway.

This also would create an awkward situation where Linda, who would also be one of Ulster's heirs, is able to act freely (I use this term very loosely lol) while Miranda is treated fully as a hostage which ?????????

And...to be quite honest, I think Miranda's base E rank for thunder magic just does not track with having Thrud blood. Tine and Linda start at B and A respectively, while Arthur starts at B and Amid.......who mysteriously only has access to thunder magic on promotion, will then get it at rank A. Miranda does get thunder magic weapon experience on promotion (along with fire magic weapon experience, which she already has a head start in), but it's certainly not enough to take her from E to B.

It's an interesting hc for sure, but I think it's genuinely more impactful for Miranda to not be related to House Friege in any way. I am much more invested in Miranda's relationship to her captors being based in nurture rather than nature and the stress of turning out more like the people who raised you than your actual parents.

*Did you know that promotional material lists Miranda as 14 but in 16A Conomor explicitly refers to her as "only 15" implying her birthday happened sometime after the start of the game but before May (17B)? I think that's so funny way to continuously kick her down the stairs kaga. you can only find out her birthday passed if you leave her to rot isnt that so foul

[morievna]

BSD Chapter 105.5 – how it fits in Dazai character arc

Hello~~

I am back to writing and analysing… and still blocking bots apparently xD

Honestly this chapter was perfection xD  it made me giggle so much xD

I must say that ‘Fyodor taunting Dazai that he would be better boyfriend partner for Chuuya’ was on my wishlist - so thank you Asagiri-sensei xD Peak drama romance xD now we wait for Dazai to prove himself to be worthy partner xD

Basically, shounen genre xD

Though I originally though that Arahabaki will be used to get out that flooding prison cell – this method was more fun as it looked so effortless xD But imo we will get Corruption eventually – it is just too important to Soukoku bond and it would be good opportunity to show Chuuya’s vampiric healing… and Chuuya tearing down Meursault would feel so cathartic to be honest. But we will see.

Okay, so in this post I want to focus on Dazai~~

We learnt that Dazai indeed don’t have manipulative intent towards Sigma *aww* 🥺 – he really just wants to save both Sigma and ADA – as per his way of life aka ‘being on beautiful side that saves people’

But… on the other hand it was shown that Dazai’s plan really was simply to drown Fyodor and Chuuya too as collateral damage… which is obviously not good XD though it can be reasoned that this way he would save more people this way – but it is still bad and shows his fixation on killing Fyodor. And it is especially bad if you consider it from symbolic perspective – after all Chuuya represents both humanity and past to Dazai. After all, he was one of the reasons why Dazai stayed in mafia in Fifteen LN and basically Chuuya evokes humanity and will to life in Dazai. So drowning Chuuya symbolizes repressing these aspect by Dazai. Like self-denial how much Chuuya means to him.

Still it is just step in character development —

Essentially, this arc is about Dazai getting consequences about his past life in PM and him trying to deal and fix some mistakes of that time and the way he left. It is like trying to accept the past and learn from it and trying to be better in the future.

It is important to remember that it wasn’t Dazai’s masterplan to get into Meursault – but it is the result of past coming back to him as his wrongdoings were revealed:

Basically Dazai lived trying to ignore his past and solely focus on working for ADA to save people. Ofc living in the present is not something bad, but outright trying to repress the past is not healthy thing to do.

This attitude was also shown in the hostile way Dazai treated people related to his past in Guild arc. For real he was so petty and mocking towards Akutagawa and Ango >_< and Chuuya too with how he had threated PM to get information… though it seems relatively small thing compared to getting Ango into hospital and his ill-meaning remarks to hurt Aku the most while he is the root cause of the latter insecurities.

But since Fitzgerald’s defeat Dazai is starting to treat them differently – he is more honest and sincere towards Ango and Akutagawa as he openly cooperates with them and explains his intentions. It especially means so much to Akutagawa as it is the recognition he always wanted from Dazai. Ofc it is not like all is perfect between them now, but it is surely step in right direction.

So logically, Chuuya is the next XD

From trope perspective – villain questioning protagonist bond with his friends/partner/etc is nothing new. It basically helps protag to be aware of their own flaws or insecurities and work on it, which results in bond growing stronger. I guess Soukoku will go that route too xD

After all Soukoku is no perfect – they need to work on better communication for sure. Also, it was established that Chuuya is feeling hurt that Dazai left mafia with no word – something that Fyodor could easily exploit - imo we will get payoff for that in the future.

Soo finally —

Honestly I don’t care who is gonna to win this Dazai vs Fyodor duel. All what matters to me is that I hope we will get good character development and satisfying conclusion. The rest is like details to me xD My rough guess is that Dazai will win to emphasis his growth, but hopefully Fyodor will be saved if Asagiri is aiming for plot beats from Crime and Punishment novel. Imo he does but I am not 100% sure, so we will see~~

Thank you for reading and have a nice day <3