#ill post more details tomorrow

[pixelatedraindrops]

Yuma Month: Day 25: Broken

Night terrors, burning body temperature, delirious hallucinations, and glassy faded vision…

Helpless and afraid, he calls out for his caretaker…but he’s not there…

He’s all alone now…with no one to help…

Completely broken.

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

some ashril cosplay updates!!!

ears -

they got all the earrings!!

and pocket number one (of four)!!

each pocket is gonna have a different design - this one being swirly lines and things :D

[goldiipond]

eema doodle request for @pawphin !! i did goldy pond emma bc i wanted an excuse to draw her outfit peace and love <3

[possiblytracker]

gods wettest saddest most pathetic creature wandering despairingly through long cold airport corridor to find exit after dropping off beloved friend and grappling with the realisation that this feeling is going to recur throughout the rest of their life forever and ever but maybe the incredible lifechanging love and companionship they have and will get to experience along with it makes it all worth it now and for the future. even if right now in this corridor it still hurts like a motherfucker

[vitamin-zeeth]

forgot how fun drawing on paper is the in between stages look CRAZY

[overdevelopedglasses]

any more details on essence characters? 👀👀 like any extras u wanna share about them

Oh so many things precious anon... I fear there's more lore to be had before that. And I'd share new characters but I'm very eepy rn (only just got to answering this ask)

But! I'll share a fun fact about each party member as a bit more of characterization for them.

Lily: she gets a really gnarly scar on her face from a fight. Like, "Oh shit that's a line that goes across a good portion of my face" kind of scar.

Percival: has nicknames for every member of the party. The only 2 I've decided on are Fluffball (for Alex) and Munchkin (for Lily, which is funny considering Percy is about an inch and a half taller than her)

Will: Will's into theater! A great singer and a fantastic actor. He will go into random voices for no real rime or reason.

Alex: Alex's spirit weapons are the last ones of the main party I thought of! I settled on dual knives/blades that are based off of the kukri, and also have the ability to return-to-sender ala boomerangs.

Enzo: they have a huge sweet tooth, and they would stay up with some of the team members/spirits and just. Eat sweets together :)

Robin: She's really good at knitting. She'll often make little felt squares/blankets/whatnot for the group, and uses the activity as a bit of a destresser.

[nerosdayinanime]

Responding here to ur tag response to my question on this post so i dont clog up your notes over there 😅

That concept is so cool!! Can you tell me more about the dynamics? (Like what are the specific differences that made you classify Sabito as alpha prime instead of just alpha?)

When you say the Primes effect more and are effected more than the others what exactly do you mean?

Do you become a Prime when you take on a certain roll in your pack or is it just a option during the initial presenting event?

Are Primes like a subsection of their dynamic or are they a whole new one? (3 broad dynamics society vs 5 specific dynamics society)

How does everybody being abo (and Sabito being alive) effect their relationships with each other in this AU compared to canon?

And lastly, what are everybody's designations in this au? 👀

I kinda got carried away with the questions whoops

ok important distinction to get out of the way first- i see a/b/o as terms to describe phenomena, not strict definitions people fall into. i dont like omegaverse things like that bc 1 i love biology & speculative evolution and through that lens it makes absolutely 0 fucking sense to me and 2 i dont like omegaverse basically being reduced to sexism 2.0 with submissive feminine omegas, dominant masculine alphas, and boring betas.

i completely understand and see the appeal in traditional a/b/o but i also think its severely limiting

to answer your questions off the bat:

sabito as an alpha prime mostly just bc i really really like giving him big/visible fangs and that influenced some worldbuilding choices lmao

imagine having ur senses turned up 200%. theyre just as affected by a drop of pheromones as normal dynamics are a litre. theyre way more sensitive to others' and their own is far more potent

theres no 'presenting event' either you stay not very reactive to pheromones(beta) you start reacting to pheromones normally(alpha/omega) or you start to be fuck-off sensitive to pheromones(a/o prime) (ppl dont choose or get assigned a secondary dynamic its just something that Happens and a/b/o are terms used to describe wide trends)

its still 3 broad dynamics, primes are considered a sub-category/more specific variant of alpha/omega

mmm, id say overall theyre pretty much the same? rengokus & mitsuri are closer-knit, tengen and them kinda make a trio, sabito's almost part of the mini-group(The Loud Ones)- sanemi and obanai still dislike giyuu, now its got an added 'omega has his alpha wrapped around his finger and makes him do the dirty work instead' bc he never bothers to defend himself from them so sabito steps up and tells them to fuck off- then theres the obvious kamado situation. sabito's neutral abt them after he gets over his initial anger but cmon. its tanjiro. youre not staying neutral for long. giyuu more protective of them from the get-go

theres only a few ppls who are set in stone lmao- sakonji-alpha sabito-APrime giyuu-omega tanjiro-OPrime nezuko-N/A sanemi-beta obanai-beta mitsuri-OPrime kyojuro-alpha

my version of a/b/o

secondary dynamics arent dependent on sex, theyre two separate spectrums and secondary dynamics are Secondary

secondary dynamics start to develop with puberty, not really finished until somewhere in 20s

you cant tell what someone's secondary dynamic will be until it starts to present

betas are the hardest to tell bc sometimes ppl are just late bloomers, late20s-30s and they still dont react to scents very strongly or havent had a heat/rut theyre probably a beta

[shitty doodle of the parabola graphic- up-down is omega/alpha left-right is not sensitive-very sensitive]

betas still smell scents but arent sensitive to pheromones and their own arent very strong either, some can have mini-heats or ruts. overall if theyre not very reactive to scents and they dont have noticeable fangs or any changes to their reproductive organs theyre considered a beta

alphas and omegas have stronger scents (a beta would need to be actively projecting their scent to be on the same level as alpha/omega's baseline) and are sensitive to pheromones.

secondary dynamics influence sex but are not influenced by sex; males who are omegas can develop female reproductive systems and females who are alphas can develop male reproductive systems. this results in tons of possible combinations, though not everything /works/ since they'd need the matching internal & external parts to actually reproduce.

with male omegas/female alphas; commonly, either the secondary reproductive system doesnt develop at all or the secondary external develops alongside the original*. less commonly the secondary external develops and the original internals swap to the secondary. very rarely the secondary will fuck up the original internals and make someone sterile. very VERY rarely will someone develop both original and secondary reproductive systems that are fully functional

main biggest difference between alphas and omegas is mostly in whether they have a heat(& nest) or a rut(& claim territory)

heats typically start off with some warning signs before the actual heat kicks in(preheat) omegas will start to be clingy and seek safety/closeness with their pack for a few days, along with starting to give off a heat scent. omegas usually dont smell their own heat scent until its already pretty strong(closer to heat) so others around them usually notice the scent first. heat hits with a full body fever for a day or two, its extremely uncomfortable and usually omegas drop out of coherency. behind the scenes all kinds of reward chemicals and other important stuff in the brain are thrown way out of wack- no one really notices that tho bc theyre usually blearily rolling around suffering through a mind-numbing fever. after it abates theyre left with the still fucky brain balance and dont really get back all the coherency they lost from the fever, still a little out of it for the whole duration of heat. theyre more sensitive to changes in their emotions and more sensitive to physical contact, heats in their usual state are non-sexual and an omega simply seeks security affection and comfort from their pack. excessively negative emotions caused by lack of security or comfort can cause an omega to be extremely panicky/depressive/aggressive (borderline feral) and its not fun for anyone involved. the omega going through it is overrun with negative thoughts/feelings/emotions and the scent of an omega going through a disruptive heat is especially nauseating & discomforting to anyone around (an intense need to Fix It and make the omega feel better). on the flip-side, omegas being more sensitive to emotion and physical contact can lead to a state of near constant euphoria/ecstasy in sexual heats between mates (the more traditional version of heat)

omegas will go into heat in the presence of another omega's heat if they are emotionally connected (family, pack, friends, etc) and an omega's heat can cause an alpha to start their rut (& vice-versa ruts causing heats)

ruts cause a similar fucky brain balance but not nearly to the same degree as heats, alphas will seek out affection and their instinct to protect is sent into absolute overdrive. mother hen x500. it causes them to be a lot more agitated which leads to more aggression bc more things are seen as a threat.

sexual ruts with mates sends their instinct to make sure the other IS and feels safe/good into overdrive and They Will Not Leave Their Mate

nesting is the usual find soft things make comfy/safe bed/area for pack and is extremely personal/fiercely defended from those who its not meant for; claiming territory is a wider application of 'make area feel comfy/safe for pack' alphas will patrol or steak out vantage points of their selected territory, like omegas they also dont take kindly to intruders**

alphas are built a bit more for power and tend to be offensive/face confrontation head-on(make opponent lose ground, get threats as far away from my pack as possible); while omegas are built a bit more for speed/agility and tend to be defensive/run loops around confrontations(dont let opponent gain any ground, keep threats from getting any closer to my pack) its not solid evidence when trying to tell someone's dynamic off it alone because people's natural variation is so wide and people's experiences can change how theyd react to stress and such so its usually ignored but trends Can be seen

*giyuu's like that male omega has both parts externally but no uterus so. no mpreg for him</3

**it can be kinda subtle sometimes, one example ive posted is sabito physically situating himself so hes between his pack(giyuu/tanjiro/nezuko) and the threat (sanemi/rest of the hashira)

i think thats everything? feel free 2 ask for clarification if i fucked up explaining or missed something

[sluttysissyslave]

For Sissies and Alike!

This is a very long post so bear with me, do with it what you wish, forget it if you want to, but maybe, just maybe consider it. So, let me tell you why and how you all became what you are today, and how to go forward. If you feel you relate to it then let it sit, if it doesn't, forget about it.

Most of you developed these feelings when you were alone and sad, your standards dropped lower and lower without you even realizing it, and next thing you know you're fantasizing about being a slut for women, or maybe even men. But what you forgot about, was that originally, you were just searching for female affection, the touch of that girl you really liked but were too afraid to go up to. You became so desperate for love, for some sort of connection that you started modifying things... "Maybe if I submit myself to a woman she will finally love me" you degraded yourself for love you didn't try hard enough to get. And now, behind a digital screen you've found what you call your little safe space, you don't feel like you're alone in this anymore, it's your coping mechanism. You seek validation in a place designed for men to be degraded, not validated. If you started cross-dressing when you were young. Ask yourself: did you get a lot of human connection? Did your parents pay attention to you? You realised that girls receive all the attention, the love you so desperately wanted that no-one gave you when you were young. So you subconsciously realised the being a girl could get you that. When you wore the girly clothes and finally felt warm, and embraced, you just manifested that for yourself over time and when it happened you actually believed it, which is only natural, that's what manifestation does. Your mind tricked you into believing that you found what you were looking for. 

So, we've established that doing sexually feminine things is because submissive thoughts in a gay way is because you crave the love and affection you've been missing in your life. 

Some people call this mental illness, I think that's disrespectful and inaccurate, I say these traits are mental coping mechanisms, and you know what? They feel good, they feel great in fact, but they aren't what you were meant to be, you find solace and comfort in those rushes of endorphins and other feel-good chemicals. But let me remind you, this isn't a long-term solution, you will realize this as time goes on, so you'll go even more extreme to cope, to get an even bigger rush. You need to reconsider, the withdrawal will feel terrible, but the way you are currently going won't get you to the desires you were always meant to have, not the ones you might think you're currently suppressing.

Brainwashing:

Arguably you are truly the victims, but no-one is coming to save you but yourself. You will always be tested, from all sides, it's up to you whether you give in or not. Be strong, don't give in, stand your ground. Trust that there's always a better way, a better option, one that's more rewarding than the path you're on now.

So why are you the victims? Well in modern western society it is being slowly programmed into people from a very young age, as soon as they can absorb information. Ideologies that men are worthless, good for nothing, and that women are superior. I don't want to go into the details of why this is the case because then you'll be reading this until tomorrow, but trust me that it's the case, and let me prove it with an adequate example. Most submissive men (and all woke and other LGBT people are all located in the "rich" west), almost none in eastern and conservative countries. Why is that? They don't have exposure to these things from a young age, it's not that sissies and alike don't exist there, they aren't created. Also they are often poorer than you are, with lots of social security, peace and plentiful resources, people get lazy and weak, those people living in let's say, Moldova, have other things to worry about than putting on makeup and sticking a butt plug up their bum. They aren't suppressing any femininity (sexually), they never had any to begin with.

Let's talk about how you and your thoughts are being manipulated.

Origins in modern pop culture:

Tv shows - the man is always the idiot and the woman is always the smart, reasonable one. That wasn't always the case in civilized history, both men and women were smart and reasonable, their combined traits completed each other's and they could be a strong couple. Let's look at some examples… It starts with Friends - Joey, Chandler, are portrayed as a bit dumb, and the girls generally smarter. The Simpsons - Homer is an idiot, his wife is the real boss. Family Guy - Peter is an absolute idiot and Louis is the brains of the family, a voice of reason. And it's even in shows for little children, in Peppa pig The father is hardly a figure to look up to. The disrespect towards men has been going on for decades, and it really started, rather perhaps interestingly, after the fall of the Soviet Union, but I once again don't want to get into politics or else this post will never end. We are at a stage now where especially if you're white you are almost persecuted for it. You can't disagree when I say all people should be treated equally right? So why doesn't that apply to race. A fitting quote to go by for this would be: "Don't humiliate yourself before anyone, and don't haughty yourself over anyone"

I actually feel terrible for the genuine, kind, trans women who have done so much for themselves and still don't maybe feel good and satisfied. You've had to overcome a lot in pursuit of happiness, and whether you made you right or wrong choice is now irrelevant. Try to live your best life with what you have, and don't look back, it's too late for that anyway, it would only make things worse now. Look towards the future and never look back, do things which make YOU happy, and not someone else.

For dominant women: Don't see this as a threat, there will always be guys who are more submissive, everyone is definitely and spread out all across the scale, you'll find who you're looking for, only men with with low self-esteem want a weak-minded woman who they can control in all aspects of life. Most men like a strong-minded woman, I also want a strong woman. But don't confuse this for sexual submissiveness/dominance, those aren't the same thing. Feminine doesn't mean weak! 

General statement: The world is all butterflies and fairy tales now, enjoy it while you can, it will get worse, wars are coming, political and ideological changes are going to happen and if you are unprepared then, I have news, it won't end well. You are living in a digital jail right now, you are getting affected/manipulated, but at the end of the day you are the one who holds your own phone or opens your computer. Give yourself the power to control yourself, and free yourself of this jail.

IDEAS AND SOLUTIONS

Become the type man you'd want to serve: Often I see people with slight or fully gay fantasies about men, or being outperformed by certain men (women want them and not you. Become that man. It's going to be hard, in fact it's going to be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, and it won't even come close. Try it, a person should be adventurous in life so why wouldn't you like to feel what it's like being that person? And the best part is, if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were before and say that you've tried it all and found what you really are, but you can't say that without actually experiencing it, not even a discussion. It'll be a process for a minimum of 1-2 years, and will require discipline and self-control, hey that's similar to serving and/or being locked in chastity, both of those require discipline and self-control too. You can do it.

Find yourself: People love talking about finding themselves, I read it here every now and again, "I found my true self here". You cannot find yourself behind a digital screen, you will find yourself by putting yourself in difficult situations, the easiest way to do that is by going into nature. Take a large backpack with only your essentials and survive in the forest for a week. If that's too much, then just go out in the morning, spend the night and come back, walking through terrain and getting to some destination. Maybe you live in a cold climate, in winter go out into the snow and walk around the forests all day. Remember to bring an emergency phone if going to places you don't know too well. 

Estrogen vs Testosterone: Estrogen makes you girly, and Testosterone manly, we know that right? To increase your estrogen naturally you can drink soy product, live an unhealthy lifestyle, and mentally stimulate yourself. You cannot produce as much estrogen naturally as a woman does, you'd have to take supplements. A healthy lifestyle in women increases their estrogen, and a healthy lifestyle in men increases their testosterone. You can increase your testosterone by exercising, eating meat (protein), onion, dark chocolate, a Mediterranean diet is pretty good, and of course getting high quality sleep, (here I am at 3am writing this post - hypocrite, I'm ashamed and I'll work on it).

Reward yourself. When you achieved a goal to becoming your new masculine life, treat yourself to something fulfilling. Whether it's some sort of food or an experience. We all need positive affirmations. You can reflect on what you've done well and what you've done poorly. Like me who wanted to s few important things and instead procrastinated for 3 days, hence, no reward, but as double self motivation I'll do a super big reward after putting myself together and getting all I wanted done (this post was no. 5 priority).

Belief. Believe in yourself that you can do it, your mind is extremely powerful, you give it less credit than it deserves, if you channel it the right way then it was serve you as a great tool.

Energy. Energy is another real, powerful, but invisible thing. Have you ever entered a historical religious place of worship? Like an ancient church in Europe or a mosque in the old Ottoman Empire like Turkey or even spain, a Buddhist or Hindu temple in Asia… they all have energy which you can feel, you absorb things differently with various energies. Or maybe more relatable, you're having fun at an outgoing fun party, you feel good right, smiling and enjoying life. That's positive energy. If you put yourself in environments with the type of energy you are currently looking for, it will help, a lot. I don't mean to say you should be religious or anything, but there's nothing wrong if you are or want to, it gives you hope and a sense of safety and security in its own ways.

Stand up for yourself. Have some morals and beliefs which you like and stand by. Don't be afraid to defend them in an argument.

This is my first authentic post on this website and I was very hesitant to make it, after all no-one might even read what I spent so much time on, but if at least one person is somehow positively influenced then it was worth it. I know that I will probably be reported by someone simply because they didn't agree with what I wrote, and my account will be taken down. If you don't agree with the things I said then ignore them, I made this for people who can resonate with something I wrote (not at all necessarily all of it), people who don't even know why they like the things they like, know it's not what they always wanted but find pleasure in it now. Hence please reblog if you like what you read, it won't be here forever.

If you are unsure or want to discuss anything feel free to DM.

If you want to do some research yourself, start with researching "Subliminal perception". It's absolutely everywhere and affects everyone, like it or not.

I might start positive things with a little political subcontext explaining my points further.

[antariies]

how to build a chair........... director's cut ∠( ᐛ 」∠)__ this is about to be a very long very self-indulgent post where i just talk about my own writing. i also doodled on all the pages i think it makes the whole thing more fun to go thru. welcome to my ted talk

SIKE before i begin. credit where credit is due, this post was the start of it all. it changed my brain chemistry my jaw was dropped i was in awe i was obsessed and before i even finished it i knew that i would eventually have to make something similar for the commander or else i would be cursed to think about it for the rest of my life. and i Was cursed for like two years every day i would just be like........ is today the day i sit down and draft the commander chair fic of my dreams....... maybe tomorrow......

and then i got accepted as a writer for the gw2 zine ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ the chair idea was actually my backup option in case my first idea didn't pan out, and thank god it didn't, bc this one worked so much better. (still working on my initial idea, just turning it into a full fic! it was wayyy too long to be a zine submission.)

this is the chair i used. i downloaded the assembly instructions and tried out a bunch of different free pdf editors until i found one i liked, which ended up being sedja. if anyone's interested in doing something like this, i recommend printing out the pdf and writing directly on it! it was a lot easier for me to just figure out everything on paper first and then digitalize it after :P here's a picture of my physical copy

okay actually getting into it for real this time !!!!!

1. yeah i could've just erased the ikea logo and left a blank space but then i realized i could turn it into an in-universe joke. and then i ran with it.

2. i ripped this straight from the product description on the website. thanks ikea

3. i'm not sure if anyone went and looked it up, but it's a real item code!

hehe :3c

4. if your commander willingly goes to therapy i'm happy for them but TO ME? you'd have to drag the commander kicking and screaming. it's not that they don't know that something is wrong with them, they know, and they know YOU know. you're just never supposed to talk about it. they don't look at their own psych eval results bc that's none of their business.

5. i normally avoid specifying the commander's race when i write them bc i enjoy the challenge, but for the zine i was assigned to write about a norn commander! as a human main i was uhhhh very ill-equipped. but that just meant i had to study up on my norn lore (•̀ᴗ•́)و i spent hours on the wiki, then went around interviewing norn mains for their opinions, which was great fun :D it all helped me narrow the focus of my piece: joining the war on commander objectification on the side of commander objectification (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ and no one self-aggrandizes quite like the norn commander!

and to balance that i knew my narrator had to be patronizing as shitttt. they've clearly been following the commander since the beginning and seem to know a lot of intimate details about their life, despite not thinking very highly of them. wonder who that could be :3c

6. i can't stop making references. so the original part number is actually #122620 in the manual but i've changed it here (and on the previous page!) to #082812, as in 08/28/12, the date gw2 was released! no real reason for it, @dalennaugw suggested it for funsies and i liked it. if you're my pal and i show you a wip and you have a cool idea for it, chances are i Will put that shit in. hi dale if you're reading this

7. another thing about me. i loveeee repetition. here the word "over" is repeated four times to match the picture. honestly a lot of the creative process for this piece was just staring at the pages and figuring out how to tie the pictures to the commander in ways that weren't extremely corny or trite. idk why i enjoy writing like this when i could be frolicking in the beautiful prosaic meadows of a word doc instead but. it's like i see a tiny little restrictive box and i'm like OH BOY can't wait to think inside of that thing!!! i like when the format matters just as much as the content and in some cases informs the content. am i making any sense here. well all you need to know is that i'm a virgo and my favorite book is house of leaves

7. aw fuck just realized i wrote 7 twice. whatever i'm not changing it this is 7 part two now. the theme of my piece is glory, what it means to the norn commander, and how far they're willing to go for it.

8. does norn culture place emphasis on seeking individual glory Yes are norn also very community-oriented Also Yes. i think it's common to see norn kids napping together in a big pile, usually after they've worn themselves out playing games outside. it makes sense practically (apes together warm) and socially (pack bonding good) but that's just my hc. growing up i used to share a bed with my cousins all the time so it's normal to me.

a young, naive not-yet-commander, with no real combat experience, has no point of reference to compare a "blaze of glory" to. but the way everyone talks about it, it must be a good thing. a wonderful thing. a reward fit for a life well-fought and a legend hard-earned. so they imagine it must feel like falling asleep surrounded by the people they love, who love them in turn.

9. .........i was playing a lot of ace attorney when i wrote this page. i wish i was joking 👍🏼

10. ohhh shit the truth come OUT this whole chair thing was all a ploy just so i could write about the departing. again.

will i ever stop thinking about her. reply hazy, try again later.

11. out of all the pages, this one has the most emphasis on text placement, like comparing the enlarged picture of the screw to a sword, the numbers counting the screws, and "up up up" being arranged to mimic a wisp of smoke.

i also wanted to lean into the viking/norse mythology influences with my word choice.

12. more nods to norn culture. i didn't know they referred to the six human gods as "spirits of action" until i was doing the research for this piece :O

and the domain of the lost is called a hall of ghosts....... cause valhalla.....

13.

i'm sorry this so funnyyy. SAYS the guy who literally clawed their way back to life for a rematch.

me when i'm in a sore loser competition and my opponent is the COMMANDER!!!

14. arms as in "limbs" and also arms as in "armaments" :•]

15. haha get it because the picture makes it look like there are two mirrored speech bubbles while the text paints two opposing interpretations of the norn commander. one that's selfless and humble versus one that's selfish and vainglorious.

16. and the best part is IT DOESN'T MATTER which one is true bc at the end of the day no matter what their motivation, balthazar is dead by their hand. ofc i'm of the opinion that the most compelling interpretation of the commander is both, simultaneously. contradictions are good for the soul.

17. i could've name-dropped kas, the only person present that would do something like that, but i felt it was better to leave it ambiguous.

18. low-hanging fruit. the metaphor was so obvious here but i had to do it. for the culture

19. the alternate title for this piece was "THIS COULD BE GLORY". "how to build a chair" was only supposed to be a placeholder title til i figured out a better one, but the innocuousness of it grew on me. also i came up with the other one too late and had already advertised under the chair title lol

20. my first instinct was to end it with something more reassuring, like "what you have built so far is enough" but that would've been an ooc switch-up for a narrator who has been nothing but snide and detached this whole time. gotta stick to my guns

21.

obligatory chair joke as the last line. for realsies though it’s meant to be an earnest appeal to the commander to take a break, to have a seat, but it’s also a challenge. are they willing to lean on their friends? are the bonds they’ve forged strong enough to hold their weight? are they willing to put their faith in someone else’s hands? are they brave enough to try? well. only one way to find out.

also guess what that wasn’t even the real last page of the manual. it's THIS

but no way i was letting this be the image we ended on. IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK AND BALLS!!!

and on that note, THANK YOU if you made it this far!! a very special shout-out to @hawkepockets, my lovely boyfriend and beta reader, without whom this piece would not be nearly as polished. i would bring him pages to look over and he would say Scrap half of those lines you can do better than that. kill your darlings. i would complain and argue for a few minutes then we would revise. rinse and repeat until we had honed this thing to perfection. i can't stress enough the importance of having a second pair of eyes on your work throughout your creative process, even better if it's someone who challenges you. i don't even pay him 🫶🏼

and if there was anything i didn't cover that you still have questions about, please feel free to shoot me an ask! (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ thanks for reading! see u later dudes ;P

[sofs16]

perceval shark

charles! fake photographer x singer!reader

HEY! i know that may sound alarming as he is a fake but its quite silly… i think… im about to write it so enjoy <3

— just finished writing; not proofread at all

yn.yln

liked by charles_jpg, and 10,484,393 others

yn.yln hi friends! im currently looking for a photographer to join me on tour for the next month since my cousin (usual photographer) got injured and can’t travel:( send me a message or email in my bio and ill send more deets:) thanks a lot!!! 💌

view all 2,484,393 comments

ynsphoto will she acc reply to like millions of people tho 😭

⤷ yn.yln i really am trying but my instagram dms are glitching now 🫠 my team and i have replied to most of the emails tho:))

july 31, 2023

— mail app, you’ve got 16,483 inbox!

INBOX

From: Charles Perceval >

To: Yn Yln >

July 31, 2023 at 4:18

Hello, Yn!

If you are still in need of a photographer, I would love to help out!

Though I have no real experience aside from taking pictures of my friends, I have a large passion for music as you do.

I hope to hear from you:)

P.S Here is a link to some of my work. Have a good day:)

All the best,

Charles Perceval

NEW EMAIL

To: Charles Perceval >

From: Yn Yln >

Subject: reply asap pls :))

July 31, 2023 at 11:01

Hey, Charles!

I’ve really spent quite a while being mesmerized at your photos and I would loveeee if you could come with us on tour this month!!

The notice is quite short but the schedule would be August 4 to August 28 with us circling Europe. Let me know if there’s any issues and we could work around it:)

Hope to hear from you as well.

All the love,

Yn Yln 🤍

To: Yn Yln

From: Charles Perceval

July 31 at 16:22

Hello, Yn!

I am so glad! There may be a minor issue but could maybe we could talk about it on Instagram.

Would that be alright?:)

All the best,

Charles

Charles Perceval

charles_jpg • Instagram

12 Followers • 83 Posts

Following you since 2017

yn 💌

i must say, the 12 followers and private account is very sketchy, perceval 🤷🏻‍♀️

Charles Perceval

Hello Yn! Why are you judging me on my followers 😂

yn💌

NO IM NOT

im just saying i hope you dont rob me when we meet in real life 😔

Charles Perceval

Thank you for the trust in me. But I would not do that to you😁

yn 💌

sigh.. i guess it’s my fault if i end up dead in a ditch… ANYWAYS!

are you free to meet tomorrow 😁

Charles Perceval

Where exactly?

yn💌

Where are you now?

Charles Perceval

Spa

yn💌

you’re.. in a spa?

Charles Perceval

No! Spa, Belgium

yn💌

that one was NOT on me! But perfect the first stop there is actually Belgium! I can go there if it’s not a problem for you?

Charles Perceval

It is no problem for me:)

yn💌

Charles, don’t take this personally or rudely, but how old are you?

Charles Perceval

26 This October

yn💌

alright! just making sure youre not an old man😁

Charles Perceval

Aw, thank you.

yn💌

my manager will send more details, thanks charles and see you tomorrow:)

charles.jpg

Follow Requests

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yn.yln has requested to follow you. 1m

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yn.yln

belgium

liked by charles_jpg, and 8,018,382 others

yn.yln i may look fine but i have been hiccuping for the last 2 hours i fret i am getting a six pack

view all 1,198,292 comments

ynsbabe i bet if u turned it to a sing, it’d be a bop

⤷ yn.yln too emotional to turn it into a song

august 2, 2023

yn.updated

liked by 2,483 others

yn.updated yn.yln just landed in Belgium where she will be performing for the first time this Friday!

view all 318 comments

liviesyn streets say she went to dinner with a guy 💔😭😭😭😭😭😭

⤷ ynsday chill. she can have guy friends

⤷ author not this one 😅

august 2, 2023

ynshit

liked by oliviarodrighoe, and 16 others

ynshit NOT WHAT I EXPECTED EMAILING THIS MAN.

view all 10 comments

oliviarodrighoe cant believ u didnt know charles leclerc THATS SO SO SUTPID IM LAUGJGING

⤷ ynshit HE SAID PERCEVAL DUMBASSSSS

⤷lauflaufey if he said leclerc would you have known anyway😭

⤷ ynshit 🙂

⤷ oliviarodrighoe how did you even find out

⤷ ynshit HE TOLD ME BCUZ HE’S LIKE A SHIT LIAR (thank you very much)

reneewrap did you hire him anyways

⤷ ynshit yes… MAN IS RICHER THAN ME THO

⤷ oliviarodrighoe HAHAHAHAHAHA

⤷ ynshit fuck you

⤷oliviarodrighoe or…

⤷ ynshit STOP

august 3, 2023

charles_jpg

yn.yln has requested to follow you. 4d

confirmed | decline

— instagram notification!

• yn.yln has followed charles_jpg and charles_leclerc!

charles.jpg

liked by yn, lando.jpg, and 7 others

charles.jpg Thank you, Lewis for the camera 😘

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lewis.jpg Anytime mate! yn yes, thank you lewis hamilton

[liked by charles.jpg]

august 3, 2023

ynswife

liked by 10,483 others

ynswife what do you MEAN yn followed charles leclerc on his main AND jpg acc which NO ONE ELSE BUT THE GRID AND HIS FAMILY FOLLOWS. view all 3,485 comments

ynsferrari bro has been liking all of yns posts since 2015 with that acc 😭😭😭😭

august 3, 2023

yn.yln

tagged: charles_leclerc liked by charles_leclerc, and 14,393,292 others

yn.yln belgium 🤍 got a special guy with us too

view all 3,696,607 comments

charles_leclerc Sooo excited for this month! ⤷ yn.yln bring it on, perceval;)

maxverstappen1 🎉

taylorswift Gorgeous! ⤷ yn.yln i told u guys that song was abt me

august 3, 2023

charles_leclerc

tagged: yn.yln liked by yn.yln, and 2,293,596 others

charles_leclerc London 😎📷

view all 583,797 comments

yn.yln youre so talented, perceval:,) you make me like my smile

⤷charles_leclerc Haha thank you, ynn. You have an pretty smile to begin with! ⤷ lestappen1661 I can hear the church bells

charles1166 no because the way charles always captures her best moments like the happiness in the first slide and how she’s literally a star on the 2nd 😭

august 6, 2023

FERR4RI.YLN

liked by 3,282 others

FERR4RI.YLN “you make my like my smile” “you have a pretty smile to begin with” OH ITS OVER FOR US

view all 27 comments

ylnleclerc MOM AND DAD

august 6, 2023

yn.yln

tagged: charles_leclerc

liked by charles_leclerc, scuderiaferrari, and 7,383,494 others

yn.yln my turn to jpg 🤭

view all 3,585,922 comments

charles_leclerc Loving the first slide ❤️

⤷ yn.yln thanks!

oliviarodrgio ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🩹❣️❤️💗💟😘

⤷ yn.yln fuck off. f1rraris yn sitting with charles on the plane😭 his whipped smile😭 them eating together😭 the heart emoji😭

august 8, 2023

yn.updated

liked by 18,493 others

yn.updated yn sings unreleased song “slut” at monaco soundcheck today?!?! some lyrics :

• “got love struck, went straight to my head”

• “and if they call me a slut you know if might be worth it for once”

• “everyone wants him that was my crime”

• “i break down then he’s pulling me in. in a world of boys, he’s a gentleman”

view all 4,586 comments

chleclercs bye. august 10, 2023

yn.yln

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yn.yln monacoooo!!! thanks for being so kind to me and charles:,)

august 10, 2023

yn.yln

monaco

liked by charles_leclerc, and 11,737,292 others

yn.yln a day in shark lerklerk’s life

view all 4,697,922 comments

lewishamilton shark lerklerk

⤷ maxverstappen1 shark lerklerk

⤷ fernandoalo_oficial shark lerklerk

⤷ pierregasly shark lerklerk

⤷ landonorris shark lerklerk

charles_leclerc 🤦‍♂️

⤷ yn.yln💆🏼‍♀️

cru3lsumma entering gf yn time.

august 11, 2023

ynshit

liked by oliviarodrighoe, and 8 others

ynshit this isnt funny im ac down bad. ITS BEEN LIKE 10 DAYS

view all 6 comments

oliviarodrighoe MATCHMAKER ERA 🙋‍♀️

august 11, 2023

sharkie !!❤️

ynn💗

sharkie! wana dinner 2nite 🎉

sharkie !!❤️

Of course! Where should I pick you up? :)

ynn💗

my my what a gentleman

at the hotel we’re staying in🤷🏻‍♀️

sharkie !!❤️

see you:)

ynshit

liked by 11 others

ynshit HE LET ME EAT IN HIS CAR. …… 🙂

view all 32 comments

laufey oh she’s whipped! oliviarodrighoe LALALALALALAL HELLO?

august 11, 2023

charles_leclerc

liked by 7,282,595 others

view all 1,201,833 comments

charlec11 the random an posting no caption is so bf

yn.yln wait. why do i look snatched here.

⤷ charles_leclerc You most certainly are ;)

⤷ f1111zoom HOLD TH E PHONEZ

august 15, 2023

yn.yln

liked by charles_leclerc, and 15,393,393 others

yn.yln little ep out now:)

[ COMMENTS DISABLED ]

august 22, 2023

charles_leclerc

liked by 21,383,696 others

charles_leclerc Might as well be worth it for once❤️

view all 5,707,707 comments

yn.yln thanks for the last pic, love 🧘‍♀️

yn.yln STOPP IM GOING TO MISS YOU FOR TOUR

⤷ charles_leclerc you could always come to the pasdock😘

⤷ yn.yln WAGGING HERE I COME

august 25, 2023

[cloudy-em]

Hey, I got an idea for Carmen, if you're okay with it, of course.

Basically, the reader has an eating disorder (she throws up after almost every meal), and he tries to help her.

of course love!! i myself have struggled with disordered eating

disclaimer: the following post will contain potentially triggering and/or upsetting content. i do not write triggering content to romanticize it; i occasionally write triggering content because i recognize it can serve as a form of comfort for readers and authors. if you think any of this post may cause you discomfort, please feel free to interact with one of my other posts.

warnings: mention of food, detailed talk of disordered eating, talk of feeling ill and vomiting

xxxxxxxxxx

Being in a new relationship with a famous chef and battling an eating disorder at the same time is certainly not easy. I like Carmen, I really do, and I don't ever want to upset him. I've been avoiding food-related dates with him; usually we walk in the park or get coffee. But he's been begging me to let him make me dinner, and this last time I made up an excuse, the disappointed look on his face absolutely broke my heart.

"So, I'm not free tonight for dinner, but I uh, I can come over tomorrow?" I offer. He lights up, nodding.

"Y-Yeah, okay! I'll make you something nice, yeah?" He asks, but it's not really a question, more of a confirmation. He kisses the top of my head gently, rubbing my shoulder.

I watch as he walks out of my office door, closing it behind him. When I hear the latch, I sigh.

xxxxxxxx

I'm already shaking when I knock on Carmen's apartment door. It swings open, revealing the beaming chef.

"Come in, 'm almost done, 'kay? Make yourself at home," he says sweetly, stepping aside to let me in.

Whatever he's decided to make smells delicious, but I can't appreciate it for long, because my stomach quenches, making the reality of it set in. I'm either not eating and offending Carmen, or I'm throwing up in his bathroom. Neither is a desirable outcome.

He looks beautiful while he cooks, so focused and in his element. He's plating his creation carefully for the both of us, like it's the final touch to his painting. He sets our plates at the table and smiles gently at me, signaling he's ready for me to join him. I'm not ready.

It feels like my whole body is convulsing as I walk over to the table and sit down. He's made a beautiful chicken fettuccine with a light cream sauce and peas. I pick through, trying to make it look like I'm eating, only collecting a few peas and small pieces of pasta on my fork.

"Hey, what's up?" Carmen asks. "Do you not like it?"

"No, it's not that, Carmy! It's good, I promise," I reassure him.

"What is it, hm? You can tell me. Are you vegetarian? Dammit, I knew I should've asked but I assumed-" he begins to ramble and I cut him off.

"I'm scared," I whisper. I can feel the crocodile tears forming, and one falls when he reaches out to rub my hand with his, moving his chair closer to mine.

"What're you scared of, baby?" He asks. I shake my head, but he's looking at me so intently, like he cares so much that I just break, sobbing.

"It's not you or your cooking, Carm! I promise! You're so good and so talented and I'm so proud of you! But I'm so fucking scared, Carmy." He nods and hums, his large palm rubbing soothingly between my shoulder blades. So I continue, "It's just a lot of food, and I can't really explain it, but it- it's just a lot of carbs and I don't want to gain weight and whenever I eat full meals it makes me so, so sick. I can't eat more than a couple of small snacks a day, otherwise I'm vomiting everything in my stomach," I sigh.

"It's okay, baby," he says softly. "We'll work through it, yeah? You never, ever have to eat everything I put in front of you. I want you to feel safe and comfortable with me, 'cause you make me feel safe and comfortable. But you gotta eat something, honey, y'can't starve yourself. Y'gotta eat balanced, too. Here, let's try."

He cuts a very small piece of chicken and puts it on my fork, holding it out for me to eat. I do, and he praises me. "Good job, I'm so proud of you. See? That's protein, it'll keep ya going. You don't even need that much, just a couple more bites, yeah?"

He continues to help me stomach enough food to keep my blood sugar up, praising me for every bite.

"I can't, Carmy, no more please. I'm starting to feel sick," I warn.

"Y'did good, okay? I'm so proud," he kisses my temple gently. "We'll keep working on it together. I'm here for you."

[joongbin]

Hello! Can I request a Changbin x male reader enemies to lovers, angst/ smut/ fluff where the reader is a new bodyguard for SKZ but he’s a bit smaller and less muscular than Changbin and he’s been assigned as Changbins bodyguard and Changbin feels insulted by that so he hates the reader and I’m thinking something can happen where they start fighting and it can lead to hate sex and some kind of resolution at the end? That’s all the details I have for it if you wanna do it. If not that’s ok too :)

fuck you too. - s.cb

summary › changbin's bodyguard is, well, smaller and less muscular, not fit for someone like changbin, so what does he do?

genre › smut, enemies to lovers.

pairings › sub! changbin x dom!m!reader

warnings › arguments at the gym, ends up with Changbin being fucked at the gym (NOT PUBLIC, ITS KINDA LIKE HIS DWAEKKI GYM), humiliation, orgasm denial.

a/n: so sorry this one took a bit long ... break ended & i have school ,, and alot of other activities but i hope this is to ur liking !! (p.s, to the yongbokki person who requested ot8 reactions, ill try to post it this month!)

𑁍𑁍𑁍 𑁍𑁍𑁍

You were .. well, nervous. Even though you had experience on being a bodyguards for a few people, it was a bit unexpected that you had to guard such a muscular man. You looked at the manager as they told Changbin that you were his new bodyguard.

He glared at you, feeling insulted. He looked at his manager to complain, but it would ultimately be no use, so he refrained. He nodded while avoiding eye contact with you before leaving the room to go and do what he was doing before, looking a bit more stressed.

You sighed as the manager left the room next, leaving you alone. You weren't sure why they wanted some smaller guy to guard some bigger guy. Your actual guarding starts tomorrow, since today was you just meeting him and the team.

𑁍𑁍𑁍 𑁍𑁍𑁍

It had been a few months since you've started, and you were getting used to the job, but the person you're guarding, Changbin, wasn't getting used to you. Like you did something to hurt him or something else.

You were told to follow Changbin to the gym to make sure he doesn't hurt himself and you complied, following the rapper to his gym.

God, how he didn't like how you were following him from behind when he could easily body slam someone if they would even try to hurt him.

Changbin groaned as he entered the gym, glaring at you as he went to do his first workout. Since you two were alone, you wanted to know just why he hated you so much, why he can't just accept that you're his bodyguard for probably his entire idol life.

“ why are you here? ” he said, grunting as he continued lifting weights.

“ doing my fucking job, that's what. why do you hate me anyways? it's not like I'm any weaker than you. ” you slightly raised your voice in a frustrated matter, but you didn't stand up or anything.

“ of course you're weaker than me, hell, you're smaller than me. ” he smirked, placing down the weights. God, he was underestimating you now? You grunted, glaring at the rapper.

“ oh really? then why the fuck did your manager hire me to guard you instead of someone much bigger? ” Changbin grumbled, ruffling his hair before glaring back at you.

The two of you argued like there was no tomorrow. .. or did you?

𑁍𑁍𑁍 𑁍𑁍𑁍

The sound of skin slapping against each other and Changbin's moans. He was so much cuter like this, all vulnerable and submissive under you. There were marks all over his body.

“ what did you say, bin? I'm weaker than you? ” You chuckled, with the same exact smirk he had before. He whined at what you said, his grip on the bench presses seat got tighter until his knuckles turned white.

“ ah- fuck! fucking hate you ..! ” he said through his moans, you sighed at the stubbornness of the idol. Yeah, you still hated him still, but him being like this because of you?

You loved it so much.

Going a bit faster, you held on to the rapper's waist to gain a bit more control as he tried to catch his breath, his moans getting louder and louder with each thrust.

“ you're moaning so loud, im sure the staff and the members can hear you. and it's all because of the guy you hated. ” you teased, he was so turned on, his cock started to leak even more.

“ w-well, i- ah! ” before he could even say his sentence, you hit his prostate, his good spot. Tears formed in his eyes as he repeated the same two words over and over again.

“ so good..! ” he was so close to release, oh, but you didn't want that. You wanted to give him what he deserved, and also to not make a mess in the middle of a gym.

Just as soon as he wanted to cum, you stopped and pulled out. Changbin whined and looked at you, panting with his face all red.

“ why'd you stop ..? ” he asked while you put your pants back on.

“ oh, you know why. ” you rolled your eyes, and it was true, he did know why.

“ listen .. i- .. after that, .. you're not .. that bad. ” he said. If his thighs weren't shaking right now, you probably wouldn't even believe a word he said.

“ thanks, so, are we on good terms now, baby? ” he pouted at the nickname, but nodded. He stood up, .. even with his shaking thighs, he could still walk fine.

Luckily, no one heard Changbin getting absolutely demolished by you, since the room was sound-proof. After Changbin put on his pants, the two of you walked out, with Changbin still saying he hates you, but you know it's just because you didn't let him release.

𑁍𑁍𑁍 𑁍𑁍𑁍

[dallonwrites]

Lover Boy But It's The Camp Nano Intro?

Sometimes Beau thinks his heart must be made out of the most fragile, feebly tissue paper – the dainty pink stuff pushed into the bottom of a Valentines giftbag, the biodegradable kind that immediately crumbles when it’s met with water or trash compost or an uncaring hand. But it’s not his fault he’s a hopeless romantic.

genre: adult litfic

setting: san francisco, 1980s

deals with: grief and loss, queer history + the AIDS crisis, sex and the body, terminal illness and caretaking, being a hopeless romantic but like for all kinds of love, platonic love, friendship when one of them is ill and knows they will likely die, disability and how caretaking can reshape dynamics

summary: It's about love, babey! Beau tries to navigate all the different types of love in his life -- romantic, sexual, platonic, familial, communal, self -- as he leans into relationships, even the unhealthy ones, to try to cope with the death of his best friend Bobby, who Beau took care of whilst he was sick for two years. Told with a dual timeline showing those two years as Beau processes it. It's about being messy and confused and trying to understand how to move forward when the biggest part of your life is now gone. It's about being in love with your best friend but like platonically and also your best friend is dead. It's about queer sex and grief and caretaking and the AIDS crisis. Beau is also obsessed with horror movies and is definitely autistic but doesn't know it. Bobby loved volcanoes and mountains, acrylic painting, David Cronenberg movies and also The Muppets (his fave was Gonzo btw). If you want to know more I have a more detailed WIP intro and also the tag where I post way too long excerpts!

status: 16,391 words into the first draft, but that's been writing whenever/whatever I want rather than a consistent routine

my goal?: get a consistent drafting routine LOL. Word count wise I'd like 15k to basically double it, but we will see! Would love to write everyday at least though.

I haven't done taglists in a while buuuut if people are doing camp nano taglists? That could be fun? This story is so sad but sometimes it is so silly and fun. If you like stories where the grief and joy hold hands then this might be for you !!

What Beau remembers: The quiet when, for a long moment, Bobby didn’t speak. Then, a whisper. “Today wasn’t the day.” And Beau understood what he meant, a painful but deep knowing -- how they still weren't ready, whenever they talked about it, to say the word die. “No, today wasn’t the day.” Bobby, quieter. “And tomorrow. Tomorrow won’t be the day either.” “I don’t think it will.” Beau thinks, at this moment, that he kissed the top of Bobby’s head, or he whispered one into his hair, pressed his cheek into it. At least, that’s how he remembers, or how he wants to. “I don’t think it will be the day for a while.” What Beau remembers: Bobby, still quiet, his breathing slowed. But still awake. How he moved closer, and Beau held him tighter. Sometimes Beau believed that if he just held onto Bobby tighter it would somehow lengthen the time between now and the day, that the universe would sense their closeness and not dare to sever it. All if Beau just held him closer, heartbeat to heartbeat. It was so dark in the room, the moonlight a thin sheet behind the curtains; just them and their bodies, their breaths. And he thinks he remembers Bobby smiling, that he felt it or even sensed it, the presence of something happy, something that, for a moment, let itself be hopeful. “Your heartbeat is so relaxing,” he said. “I love that you sleep like Dracula.”

[spnexploration]

Pack chapter 22

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Madison

Series summary: Omega!Reader is thrown into a world she's not expecting when her mate turns out to be a hunter, and she's not used to Alpha & Omega Pack dynamics.

Chapter summary: The morning after your night alone.

Chapter warnings: reader self-conscious including about her body, but nothing particularly detailed

Word count: 2.6k (long one!)

A/N: I forgot to add the last chapter to the masterlist when I posted it, which I have now done. Sorry about that! Make sure you read it first.

This fulfils the nesting square of my 2023 SPN AU bingo.

Series masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 21 <- -> Part 23

“Good morning Y/N, how’d you sleep?” Sam asked as I trudged into the kitchen.

I just groaned in response.

He chuckled, “You really are perfect for Dean. There's fresh coffee if you'd like some.” I nodded and he fetched me a cup.

I was halfway through before I thought of sharing my news. “Dean messaged me when he got to Claire, at like 3am.”

“Yeah, he messaged me too. He said he's going to work the case with her today, then decide if they stay for tomorrow. I think he realises she'll rebel even more if he dismisses her work.”

I nodded, focused back on my coffee.

“So what are we doing today?” I asked when I was feeling more awake.

“That’s up to you. We can do some more lore if you'd like, you can spend the day reading or watching TV, or you can put yourself in Madison's hands and let her go crazy keeping you entertained.”

I laughed. “Maybe we can do some lore and then I'll see if I'm up for Madi entertainment.”

“Good choice. Grab some breakfast and then meet me in the library. I'll fill Mads in when she's out of the shower.”

---

Sam had me try reading some lore myself and try to make sense of it, all related to the topics we'd covered yesterday. I didn't realise how complicated killing monsters was!

After a while I was feeling tired and run down, so I headed off to Dean's room for a nap. It was probably just the poor sleep I’d had last night without Dean around. I snuggled into his pillow and fell asleep instantly.

---

I woke later. I was not feeling better. I felt so cold, but I was drenched in sweat. My joints ached, it was hard to move them at all.

It took a lot of effort, but I made it to the door finally. I was going to call out for Sam and Madi, hope that they had medication for whatever illness must've struck me down.

I opened the door but felt out of breath with the effort of crossing the room. I had to get my breath back before I could call out.

Suddenly, I heard hurried footsteps.

“Y/N?” Sam called, sounding worried. “We're coming.”

How did he know I needed him?

He rounded the corner a few seconds later, Madison hot on his heels.

“I think I'm sick,” I wheezed out.

“Omega, you're in heat,” he said gently. “I smelt it as soon as you opened the door.”

“But this feels- I've never felt like I was dying before!” I started to fall as I used up all my energy complaining. Sam quickly caught me and carried me back to Dean's bed. Now that he said it, I could feel slick gathering between my legs, but given how much sweat I was covered in, I hadn't really noticed before.

His phone started ringing. It said 'Claire Novak’ on the caller ID.

He answered and put it on speaker, “Hey Claire.”

“Sam! Dean just went into a rut and he is fucking mental! What the hell do I do?!”

I thanked my lucky stars that my body had settled on Dean, that our cycles had aligned. But now I just had to get to him, to be claimed. I shivered. What if my heat finished before I got to him?

“First, tell him Y/N is in heat,” Sam said to Claire. “It will reassure him some.”

“Sam says Y/N is in heat,” she said slightly muffled, like she'd turned the phone away. “He's growling, hang on.”

There were some strange noises and then Dean’s voice, much lower than normal, “Omega?”

“I'm here Alpha,” I managed.

“You... ok?” he sounded like speaking was hard for him.

“Yeah, I'll be ok.” I didn't want to tell him how unwell I felt.

Sam gave me a knowing look and said, “Alpha, can you put Claire back on? I'm going to work with her to get you two together.” Dean growled slightly throughout, but the sounds of the phone passing happened again.

“Sam?” Claire asked. “He didn't say anything, he just gave me the phone back.”

“Ok,” Sam continued, “The next thing you do is that you submit to him. If you start challenging him when he is in an unfilled rut, away from the Omega he is yet to claim, he is going to go feral. I recommend calling him 'Alpha’ and barring your neck if he gets antsy.”

“Great,” she deadpanned. The teenage sass was practically dripping.

“And then you get him back here, as fast as you can.”

“What about the case?” she asked petulantly.

“Claire, I promise, we will help you on this case. But this is literally the second time he has gone into a rut after finding his mate, their mating has already been threatened by factors outside their control. They cannot miss this opportunity. Plus I’ve got an Omega here who’s about to go through the worst heat of her life, she needs him.”

I gulped at Sam’s words.

“Ok, I get it. Sorry. I’ll get him back.”

“Thanks Claire.”

“Bye.”

Sam hung up and turned to me. “It's gonna be a while before they can get here, so we need to get you comfortable.”

“What- what if he doesn’t?”

“That's not going to happen. You've only just gone into heat, and even your normal heat probably lasts longer than one day?” I nodded. “This one is likely to be longer, and worse. Dean got to Claire in about half a day. There is plenty of time, Omega.”

I sniffled and he stroked my hair gently.

“How about we get you some painkillers and a cool bath or shower to try and drop this fever a bit, and then Madi can stay with you. I don't think you're going to want to be around another Alpha too much, but I'll help with the cooling down because I don't think you can hold yourself up right now. Does that sound ok?”

I nodded, too tired and achey to reply.

“I'm going to take off some of your clothes, ok?” I half-heartedly nodded. “Omega, I need your words. I'm not going to do anything you don't consent to.”

“Yes,” I mumbled.

“Ok, thank you.” He started to pull Dean's flannel off me and I whined. “I know, I know, we’ll get back to Dean’s scent as soon as we can. Now, bath or shower?”

I shrugged. He kept gently removing my clothes until I was in just my underwear. I wished he was Dean. Partway through Madi had brought me painkillers and water, but I didn't feel any better yet. Everything ached and every so often I shivered, although Sam assured me I was actually hot.

“I'm going to carry you to the bathroom, ok?” I nodded and he lifted me up bridal style. I leant my head on his shoulder and, whilst he smelled reassuringly like Pack, I just wanted Dean. I started to cry.

“I know, I know,” he murmured reassuringly. “We’re gonna get Dean back as fast as we can, ok? And you're gonna feel a bit better soon. You're gonna be ok.”

He made it to the bathroom where Madi was standing next to the full bath. “Ready?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I mumbled.

He went to his knees and lowered me into the water. It felt strange at first and I clung to Sam's neck, but after a few moments it felt better and I let go of him.

“Now, ordinarily we'd leave you alone, but I don't think you're well enough for that right now.”

I nodded. I felt too weak to do much more, which was probably Sam's point.

Madi wet a face washer and put it on my forehead. I lay back and closed my eyes. I was starting to feel a little bit better. My joints weren't aching quite as much.

I relaxed.

“Hey, hey,” Sam said, tapping my face. I didn't know how much time had passed. “No falling asleep in the bath.” I blearily opened my eyes and tried to glare at him. He chuckled, “I'm not about to let you drown in our own house.”

I started to get uncomfortable, trying to find a way to position myself. And the water was starting to feel cold. Sam must've noticed my fidgeting as he said, “How about we get you out?” I nodded. “You wanna try standing up?” I nodded again and he reached in, lifting me out and gently placing me on my feet on the mat. Madi wrapped me in a towel.

I was still too sore to do much other than whimper as Madi dried me off. It was like having the worst case of flu ever.

Slick flooded out of me into my wet undies and down my legs. I saw Sam's nostrils flare as he smelled it, and he swallowed thickly.

“Are- are you ok?” I asked him, suddenly worried that he might be unable to control his reactions.

“Yes, sorry I scared you. I'm not going to hurt you. The scent of Omega in heat is just a bit, uh, overwhelming to Alpha senses. But it's fine,” he said with a reassuring smile.

I felt like I knew what he meant. His Alpha smell was starting to get overpowering. I scrunched my nose up a little as I smelled him and he chuckled.

“I think you're entering the horny phase of heat,” Madi observed wryly. “Let's get you back to your room and we can kick Sam out before you start scratching him for getting too close to you.” Sam laughed.

“Huh?”

“I might have clawed Dean when he came into the kitchen and surprised me when I was in heat one time,” she said with a smirk. “He was literally just walking past but I, uh, reacted with claws before my brain engaged. Anyway, enough about me, I think you're dry enough.”

“Are you ok if I pick you up again?” Sam asked me.

I was still feeling weak and shaky, so I nodded. He lifted me into his arms and my skin started to crawl. I didn't like Sam touching me, he was wrong, wrong!

“It's ok, I'm going to put you down and leave in just a sec,” he murmured. I was holding myself tense, probably having my facial expressions tell the story of my discomfort.

I suddenly realised I was starting to growl.

I couldn't stop.

He placed me on Dean's bed and hastily backed away. I grabbed Dean's flannel and rubbed it over my face, utterly enthralled with its scent.

“Message me if you need anything,” he said to Madi. “I'll keep you in the loop if I hear anything from Claire or Dean.”

He left. I stopped growling.

“Alright, let's get you out of those wet things,” Madi said.

I tried to reach behind me to unclasp my bra, but my arms were too weak to undo it. I started to cry, scared and annoyed about what was happening to me.

Madi sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my back. “I promise, it'll get better. I think you're feeling rubbish right now partly because of your massive fever, and partly because you're away from your mate. When Dean gets here, I promise it will get better.”

“Omega biology sucks.”

“Oh, so much! Ruts look way easier to get through than the shit we have to put up with.”

“Was it like this for you? I didn't expect to feel this much like I’d been hit by a truck.”

“No, I had Sam with me. So whilst I felt bad when it started, we pretty quickly got to dealing with it. And it sucks you don't have Dean, but he is on his way. You just gotta hang in there for a bit longer.”

I sniffled. More slick flooded out of me, for no apparent reason, and I felt weirdly like my skin was missing something. I started to fidget, trying to work out what I was feeling.

“Ok, ok, before you get all antsy, let's get you in fresh clothes.” I’d almost forgotten my bra and undies were wet from the bath, so distracted by the various painful and strange sensations from my body. I let Madi help me out of them and into a pair of summer pyjamas.

I grabbed Dean's flannel again, rubbing it over me. Then I smelled his pillow, bringing that to me too. I tried to wrap them around me, whining when it wouldn't work.

“You ever built a nest before, Y/N?”

“Huh?”

“I think you’re trying to nest. Hang on,” she pulled out her phone and tapped away at it.

 I couldn't focus on what she was doing, I was too busy trying to work out what to do with Dean's things. I'd positioned myself over his side of the bed, throwing back the covers so I could smell it better. I kept moving his pillow and his flannel around, but it just wouldn't do what I wanted. I was starting to shiver again, and Madison held her hand to my forehead.

“Fuck,” she muttered, “you're burning up again.”

A few moments later there was a knock at the door and Sam pushed a laundry basket of clothes in. I growled at him. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help it. He quickly shut the door.

I finally smelt the clothes, now that Sam's wrongness had gone. Dean!! I reached out weakly to the basket and Madi picked it up and brought it to me.

“I asked Sam to get all of the clothes out of the hamper that were yours or Dean's and smelled like Dean. I thought you might like to use them in your nest.”

I purred at her and set about arranging the clothes. I don't think I've ever purred in my life.

I had to admit, now that I was putting things where they felt most right, I was clearly making a nest on the bed. I was surrounding myself in Dean's scent, picking up each item and carefully deciding where exactly to put it.

Once it was done, I tried to position myself in it. It wasn't big enough. It wasn't quite right. I wanted Dean!! I whined.

My skin was feeling strange again. I tried to scratch it to make myself feel better. But it wasn't quite itchy? It was something else. I rubbed it. Yes, that was better. But it still wasn't right.

I moved my hands around on my body. It felt a bit better. But not enough. Now I was getting frustrated that it wasn't feeling better enough.

I whined again.

“Where are your toys?” Madi asked me.

“What toys?”

“Sex toys. Can't you tell you’re getting super horny?”

Oh. Maybe that's why my skin felt weird. And why it didn't feel like the right touching. It didn't feel like normal arousal, and I’d been so distracted by everything else, I hadn't even recognised it.

I moved my hands lower. I slipped my fingers under the waistband of my shorts and approached my clit. Fuck it was sensitive right now!

I tried to get Dean's scent. I tried to find the best way to be in my nest. I tried to rub myself, but it felt like trying to tickle yourself. I wasn’t getting anywhere. My skin was crawling again and my joints were aching. I was so annoyed!

Madi appeared in front of me. I had forgotten all about her. She held out her hand.

“Try this,” she said as she handed me a vibrator. “Trust me.”

.

.

.

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[heart-buzz]

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[letitrainathousandflames]

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 3.9 K

Character: CC-2224 | Cody, CC-5052 | Bly, Aayla Secura (mentioned)

Warnings: Major Character Death

Additional Tags: angst, drinking, suicide, grief, order 66 aftermath, major character death, post traumatic stress disorder - ptsd, canon divergence

-

Section Nine, Paragraph Twelve of the Clone Army’s Code of Conduct:

Should a unit, hereby referred to as “Clone”, suffer malfunction and self-destruct, their superior officer, preferably their Commander, must carry out cleanup of the remains and have your medic issue the following report:

“Clone trooper [insert number identification] has suffered a sudden illness and the medical team onsite was unable to resurrect him. The Clone Trooper’s time of death was [appropriate designation of time and date of the occurrence]”

Mental malfunctions are a non-standard deviancy from the norm, as all clones are design to withstand any amount of stress. Therefore, the body of a clone deceased in such manner must be immediately removed from the scene and shipped back to Kamino for further analysis of its anomalies.

Cody wakes up at what he is certain to be three, maybe four in the morning, which means he has only two or one more hour to sleep before he has to wake up, cranky and exhausted, only to then force his equally cranky and exhausted men to get up themselves as well.

Something feels weird. A buzz in the back of his brain. General Kenobi had once mentioned that, while not all beings could wield the Force like Jedi and Sith did, it did surround every living creature, even those as unusual as clones.

He would often say, too, that the creeping shiver Cody would feel up his spine whenever they set foot in a dangerous place could very well be a manifestation of the Force itself. A warning that reached the very core of his being.

Cody finds himself in the mess hall minutes later, dressed only in his blacks and boots, too tired to care for the proper use of uniform attire even though he was the Marshall commander and should lead by example. His commlink is still in his pocket, just in case any kind of emergency pops up. It’s not like anyone would be awake at this time anyway, not after that endless campaign in Cato Nemodia from which the 2224 had finally returned.

He realizes he’s wrong when he sets foot in the mess, only to see captain Rex sitting at one of the tables with a steaming cup between his hands. Rex is as careless as Cody himself, dressed in his Blacks and boots, his cropped blond hair a couple of inches longer than the Captain would usually keep it.

“Codes.” It’s murmured at him with a nod, and Cody takes a moment to fill his own cup before sitting in front of Rex “Sleepless?”

Cody nods, taking in Rex’s features. He looks positively shitty, bags under his eyes, five ‘o’clock  shadow darkening his features and a gaze that said Rex was more sleep than awake at the moment.

Cody is pleased that he hadn’t seen a mirror in a long while, because he can’t be really sure he’s looking any better than that. Odds are that he’s looking even worse. He nods instead of answering, and Rex sighs.

“Heard you got captured. Are you alright, brother?”

A quick memory flashes through Cody’s head. The crack of a whip, screamed threats. Two of his fingers being pulled too far back until a nauseating crack came, followed by Cody’s own ragged yelling.

“Had worse.” He shrugs, downing a big gulp of too-bitter caf “General Kenobi got to me before they could quite get started.”

A troubled look passes through Rex’s expression, a slight tremor of his right cheek. Cody had seen the scars on Rex’s back in the showers, and he was honestly relieved that the men who captured him had only a bantha leather whip. Whatever those Zyguerrians had used on Rex had cut him almost all the way down to muscle tissue.

“Want me to fill in on anything for you tomorrow?” Rex offers, looking down to his cup “My general will be busy with, uh... some security detail duty for a senator so I’m mostly free.”

Cody shakes his head, drinking another sip with a grimace.

“Nah, I’m good. Life goes on, vod’ika.”

That was the last conversation he had with Rex before he got shipped away along with Commander Tano.

Before Order Sixty-Six happened.

-

Cody sits on that very same chair, looking at the empty space where Rex had been sitting on that very night one year ago. So much had changed since then. The Republic, now the Empire. The Chancellor, now his Emperor. His targets, now the men that had once been the generals leading his army.

It’s a sleepless night once more, this time due to the recurring dreams of his first – presumably dead – Jedi target. Obi-Wan Kenobi, falling from an incredible height, crashing into the waters below, disappearing in its depths…

Why does he keep thinking about it? He’s starting to look like-

Cody’s commlink rings, and he picks up the call.

“CC-2224…” he starts, trailing off once he recognizes one of his brothers’ voice; one that would often call him with questions they were never meant to ask themselves, or anyone else “Ah, it’s you.”

“Hey Cod- CC-2224.” Says CC-5052, sounding just as tired as the time demands one to be “Can you do me a favor? I won’t be able to take the men to that incursion on Dantooine.”

“I can’t keep covering for you, CC-5052. Get your act together for once. I don’t need more slacking clones now, with all this talking of phasing us out of active duty. Nothing’s stopping the brass from just kicking us all out in the street and replace us with those volunteers, and we need to show that we are still as useful as we were back in the clone wars.”

There is a pause, so long that Cody wonders if 5052 is still on the line. Then…

“Cody…” another drawn out pause “Don’t you ever think that what we did was…?“

“Silence!” Cody hisses, face tightening in anger “Kriff, 5052, how many times do I have to tell you not to talk about your- your deviant thoughts over the comms?! Just- Just hang up, get to your bunk, go to sleep…”

“I’m not at the base.” The drawl on the clone’s voice is much clearer to Cody now. he isn’t sleepy, he is drunk “I’m not coming back.”

Cody is aboard a transport headed to the location pinged from the other clone’s commlink within minutes, knowing that the missed sleeping hours are gonna be sorely missed at the meeting later that day.

He walks into the cheap hotel, places a hand on the grip of the blaster on his holster to get the flustered desk worker to let him in without a warning, climbs the creaky stairs and tests the old mechanical lock on the door, noticing it is unlocked.

He can hear the voice of a woman inside the room. His hand goes to his blaster, unfastening his holster. He slowly pushes the door open as its hinges whine in protest, and then he realizes that the voice isn’t clear enough to be a person’s. It is a recording.

“fifty-two?” he calls out, stepping in the room “Don’t waste my time, I have a meeting in three hours and I should be asleep.”

His eyes quickly assess the small room, his gaze being drawn to the small holoprojector placed on top of the desk in front of the opposite wall where an armored clone sits. The desk is pretty much covered in over a dozen bottles of different cheap alcoholic drinks, some of them tipped on their side, almost all of them either empty or half-empty. The shards of a bottle that must have rolled over are littered by the left side of the desk.

The old blinds are drawn on the window at the end of the room, shrouding the place in darkness. The only sources of light are the semitransparent blue hue of the holoprojection, and the rectangles of light cutting into the room through the broken horizontal blinds.

Cody walks further in, now recognizing the woman in the recording, a tall, blue-skinned twi’lek dressed in a brown headpiece, pants, a short top, and an open cloak. The recording seems to have been made with the camera of a trooper’s helmet, judging for the medium quality of the projection.

Cody knows the woman. She had been a Jedi General during the Clone Wars, and became a traitor to the empire near its very end. Her assigned clone battalion as successfully carried out her elimination in Felucia exactly one year ago.

“Alright, so we have Korin, Mar’eti or T’aleh. Which one do you like best?”

The twi’lek is grinning at the person filming her, and a clone’s laugh comes in response.

“Any name you pick will be good.”

The Twi’lek laughs at that, shaking her head and reaching her hands towards the camera. The image shakes, and the camera is moved until it is placed at their bodies’ height, most likely a crate, given the background that seems to be the weapons’ depot of a Venator-class Star Destroyer.

“Are you sure you’re okay, love?”

The clone, now helmetless and in view of the camera smiles brightly. His cheeks have yellow-colored tattoos and his hair is shaven close to his scalp.

“I’m still getting used to the thought that I’m going to be a father. It’s… it’s incredible.”

The twi’lek laughs again, this time nervously, her hands dropping to her stomach.

“I don’t know what we are going to do.” Her smile falters, vanishes “How are we going to raise a child in this war?”

The trooper gently cups her face in his hands, pressing a delicate kiss to her lips.

“Don’t worry about that. The war will be over before our kid arrives. We’re closing in on the Seppies, this whole mess is almost over, and our baby will grow up in a peaceful galaxy.”

There is a small beat of silence, and the twi’lek raises her arms to hug the clone, huffing out a long sigh.

“I won’t abandon my duty as a Jedi. I can’t. Even after the war is over, I will still be a Jedi. You understand that, don’t you, Bly?”

The clone pulls back just about enough to look down at the Twi’lek’s face and nod.

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

“I might be called to aid others all the way across the galaxy, and I can’t refuse.”

“We will follow you wherever you go. Me and our ad’ika. We’ll make this work. Haven’t we made this work so far?”

“Commander?” another clone’s voice pipes up from afar, and the clone hastily grabs his helmet, placing it back on his head and cutting off the recording

“Just a moment, trooper!���

The recording stops there, and a different one starts. The background is different this time – colorful trees and leaves all around the Commander’s vision of the same commander.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” The Twi’lek says, looking around warily

Hundreds of clones seem to be lining in formations, preparing to an attack. AT-STs are being prepped and yelled orders fly through the air.

“We’ll be fine.” The Commander says, placing a gloved hand on the Jedi’s shoulder, his voice then dropping to a whisper that crackles on its way out of his vocoder “Aayla. Cyare. Please let me lead this time—”

“No.” the answer is firm, the Jedi’s eyes sharp and her posture commanding “I will lead.” Her voice then drops to the same whisper, barely audible among all the noise muddling the recording “There is no one else I’d trust to have my back, Bly. I know you’ll always keep me safe.”

“All set here, General!” An ARC Trooper yells somewhere from behind them

The Jedi places a hand on the Commander’s chest, smiling softly.

“May the force be with you.” before he can reply, she is turning around to march ahead “Alright, troopers, follow my lead!”

The commander sighs heavily.

The recording stops once more. A new recording starts, at a clearing of the same colorful woods, the commander and his men slowly trailing behind their general.

“It’s so quiet.” Bly mutters “Where have they run off to?”

Their general stops, gesturing at her men to do the same.

“Be careful. There’s something wrong here. I can feel it.”

A commlink rings, and the commander presses the blinking button on his gauntlet. A voice, raspy and all too familiar to Cody pours from the speakers over the ears of the Commander in his helmet.

“Execute Order Sixty-six.”

With trained muscle memory, the Commander raised his DC-15 rifle, the gesture echoed by the other six troopers of their assault squad as they moved in sync to form a semicircle behind the Jedi General.

“Good soldiers follow orders” he whispers almost too quietly for the recording to pick up

A large flying alien creature cawed from somewhere behind them as it crossed the gold-tinted skies, and the Jedi turned around with a startle, he eyes going wide at the sight of her men and the aim of their weapons on her.

The general attempts to raise her lightsaber despite the horrified shock taking over her features.

She doesn’t have enough time to power on the weapon on before something bright and blue flashes out of her own clone commander’s rifle, whistling through the air to strike her right between her shoulder blades at her heart’s height.

Her body is jerked forwards, her arms flying up as the second bolt hits her on the ribcage, the lightsaber slipping off her grip as a pained scream is punched out of her.

Two more bolts strike her on the back and shoulder, and Bly fires another just as she stumbles forward, her protective shirt smoldering brightly over her back as the fourth bolt hits her there.

She falls down on her chest, one hand shakily and uselessly trying to reach for her lightsaber, and the men keep firing over and over, blaster shots hitting her middle. Her arms. Her legs. Her lekku, which slowly cease all movement. They keep firing until the only movement from the fallen Jedi are the occasional twitches caused by the electricity charges from the blaster bolts.

“T-Target eliminated” the Commander says with an almost unnoticeable stutter “All of you, let’s rendezvous at the alpha location, we must assist the other troops. We can’t stop until every jedi is dead and accounted for.”

Nodding, the men turn away, leaving the ground of their massacre behind. The commander lingers for a moment, his breath catching and coming out in a stuttered, heavy exhale.

Then he leaves.

The recording loops back to the first video, where Aayla Secura is trying to get Commander Bly to choose a name for their unborn child. Cody walks closer to the desk, his gaze now looking past the blue light of the projecting and further to the man sitting at the desk.

CC-5052, known as “Bly” during the Clone Wars, watches Cody with weary eyes, the semitransparent projection floating between them from the small device placed on the table between several empty bottles of various alcoholic drinks. Cody stops in front of it, removing his helmet and placing it by a cluster of purple-tinted bottles. He, too, is fully dressed in his kit except for his gloves and helmet.

Bly’s elbow is resting on the arm of the chair, his hand supporting his chin, while his other hand rests on his lap somewhere out of Cody’s view. He gives him a drunken smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, which are reddened and swollen.

His eyelashes are wet and there are dried trails of tears down his tattooed cheeks.

“Hey there, Codes.”

 “You need to come back to base.” Cody oders dryly.

“Told you I’m not coming back. I can’t.”

The recording has reached the moment where the troops are about to move out, and Cody ignores the audio overlapping over CC-5052’s words, pretending he cannot hear the trembling that underlines his own voice.

“You are a Commando clone, CC-5052, same as myself.” Cody says the words he had been told since his infancy back at the sterile white walls of the Kaminoan laboratories in Tipoca City “We can endure anything, and we do not deviate from our duty.”

He swallows down thickly, the sound of the blaster that had killed Aayla Secura along with the life growing inside of her echoing through the speakers of the projector on top of the table.

He had heard Bly’s confession of his anguish over having killed her during the issuing of order sixty-six multiple times. He had always told Bly to keep those thoughts to himself, and to never let their superiors hear these treacherous words.

But only today he truly understands the whole picture. There was more to his relationship with the deceased Jedi than that of a duty-bound trooper and their general.

Still…

“We will not have this conversation again – the Jedi were traitors” Cody presses on “and a threat to everything we fought for. They had to die.”

Good soldiers follow orders, whispers the Bly in the recording.

“I loved her.” Says the CC-5052 in front of him, and under the faint blue glow of the projection, Cody sees the glistening of the tears brimming in his eyes, trailing down his cheeks “I- I loved her, and we were gonna-- She was—”

An ugly, anguished sound comes through CC-5052’s - Bly's - gritted teeth, and suddenly the stoic mask of numb exhaustion drops, being replaced by an expression that is so twisted in agony, it reminds Cody of those he had seen in the battlefield on the faces of men whose limbs had been torn off by landmines and no amount of anesthesia could put an end to their pain.

Bly sobs, bringing to his eyes a hand that rattles against his brow with how hard it shakes. The pained noises being punched out of the clone between every sharp intake of air begin to die out as his breathing becomes more and more ragged.

A stuttered breath hisses out of him as he drops his hand, and he raises his swollen eyes to Cody again.

“I c-can’t do this anymore.”

Cody stares at him, at the hollow eyes and broken expression in that face that is a mirror of his own, and the two sentences that keep haunting his dreams.

Thank you Cody.

Blast him!

“You have to.” Cody says, the commanding tone slipping from his voice and giving place to a plea instead “You need to.”

Because a clone commander can withstand any kind of stress.

Even the horror of carrying out orders that changed the entire galaxy and the structure of their army and robbed them of the generals that would actually put themselves in the line of fire to protect them, even though they were nothing but expendable clones.

“I have nothing left, Cody. Nothing.” it’s like the words are being pulled out of Bly like shrapnel, fresh wounds being opened with every tug “I’ve served my purpose…”

The hand he’d kept resting over his lap, out of view from Cody’s gaze because of the desk between them is raised into view, along with a blaster in its grip.

“…and I hope you can find yours, brother.”

Slowly and without a hint of hesitation, Bly brings the muzzle of the weapon to the underside of his chin. Cody’s eyes widen, icy dread pooling in his core and sending a shiver up his spine, his entire body stiffening in tension as he understands what is about to happen.

“Bly— Hey, listen to me!” he tries to think through the distinct click of the blaster being cocked; he has to stop this, has to do something, anything “Bly, put the blaster down, now--”

“Never gone, only marching away…” Bly whispers with the faintest hint of a smile

“DON’T--”

The sharp whistle of blaster fire echoes in the room as a flash of bright blue illuminates the scene for an instant, Cody’s unprotected ears ringing loudly over the thudding of his own spiking pulse.

Bly’s head whips back with the blaster’s shock, a smoldering, perfect circle letting out smoke on the wound under his chin. His hand drops, the weapon slipping from his fingers and clattering to the floor with a dull thud.

Cody stands there, breath shallow and cut off by small gasps as he tries to fight the instinct to just turn around and run away from this nightmare. His stomach clenches in nausea, and he covers his mouth with his hand.

He stares at the lifeless body of a brother with whom he had shared many battles and down times with, a man he had trusted with his life and who trusted Cody with his. A man who had been birthed from a tube like him, had blasters instead of toys since he was five like him, scientists instead of a family like him.

A good soldier who had followed every order. And that had killed him.

Cody doesn’t know how long he stands there, petrified, the recording of General Aayla Secura’s short-lived dream of having a child with the man she loved looping so many times that Cody could recite it from memory, and then looping enough for Bly’s words to dissolve into a cadence of joy, tension, and resignation, joy, tension and resignation, joy, tension and—

Cody walks carefully around the desk, standing close by Bly’s side. He is supposed to report the self-termination immediately and wait for the Kaminoan staff in Coruscant to retrieve the body. He is not supposed to interfere in any way.

Bly’s eyes stare vacantly into nothing, brown and formerly full of life, shaped exactly like Cody’s. After a small moment of hesitation Cody reaches up to close them, his gloved hand lingering for an instant on Bly’s face.

He had failed him. He had failed his brother.

He thinks of Rex, whose helmet was the only one not found in the mass grave of former 501st clones in a distant moon. Could he be out there, still alive? His own words to Crosshair in front of the memorial of the clone troopers who had died in service of the Republic - and later the Empire - come back to him.

Do you know what makes us different from battle droids? We make our own decisions. Our own choices. And we have to live with them too.

Cody moves his hand to rest over Bly’s chest, on the stillness of his heart.

“Ni su'cuyi, gar kyr'adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum, Bly, ner’vod.”

He straightens himself up, finally stopping the recording and removing the memory chip from the device, placing it in one of his belt pouches. Someone should keep Bly’s story and keep it from being forgotten.

Swallowing thickly around the lump forming in his throat, Cody picks his helmet up from the desk, placing it over his face with its expressionless mask of carved white and turning his back on the scene.

The armor would help him up until some point, and then he would do well to change out of it. The outline of a plan begins to take form in his mind. Safe locations, away from the Empire’s ever-watchful gaze. Old friends that might show mercy on him in spite of what he had become.

A hope, faint and delirious, that his former general might still be alive and willing to forgive him for what he had done.

Bly was right. Cody had to find his purpose. And he had to start now.