#im actually fucking baffled as to how much people are refusing to accept it

[benadrylcandlewhack]

IF YOU CAN ACCEPT GWEN'S DIMENSION'S PETER BEING TRANS, AKA A CHARACTER WE'VE SPENT LESS THAN 5 MINUTES OF SCREENTIME WITH, BUT NOT GWEN WHO IS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, I'M JUST GONNA ASSUME YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SUPPORT TRANS PEOPLE

YOU SUPPORT TRANS REPRESENTATION IF IT'S THROUGH BACKGROUND CHARACTERS WHO DIE

YOU SUPPORT IT IF IT'S NOT "SHOVED IN YOUR FACE"

[enrapture]

It really baffles me that people really don’t know anything about anyone. It doesn’t matter the length of time you’ve known someone, you really don’t know everything there is to know about that person. People are much too complex to possibly pinpoint or to know or categorize everything there is to know about that person. There are so many sides to people, so many different ways that people can choose to be and to even act as someone they aren’t and share things and such. It doesn’t mean you truly know them. You just see a side, a small fragment whatever about them or into their life or see a character they’re trying to play or put out there. You’re never going to know all of someone. Peoples lives are so crazy and chaotic in good and bad ways and everyone goes through things and gains and loses people so fluidly just so many layers to a person it’s too much.

What drives me up a wall though is how people are just so quick to judge someone based on something someone’s shared, something someone’s said, getting fed or sharing false information on that person, essentially just spreading misinformation in general based on small fragments of moments shared whether it be online or in person. And just how easy it is for people to try to figure someone out when they have literally no clue whatsoever. It’s sad how perspective really does make a difference among getting to know someone over time and actually seeing their shoes by walking in them and just actually knowing a vast majority of that person by truly understanding them and what they’ve gone through and spending actual real quality time with them for a longgg time even then you won’t know me fully but will you know me better than just making accusations? Absolutely but that’s never all of me. Again, just small or portion sized fragments. The bigger picture is there if you’re willing to look at all sides and take the time to understand them. It just shows a lot of someone’s character that they’re so quick to dismiss someone, be hateful towards them, judge them, go along with inaccurate statements, and only see things from their perspective and shit like that just in general be ignorant as hell when they know absolutely nothing. They refuse to see that there are other perspectives and other sides to things other than their own. Life, people in general are so much bigger than that. And that is something you have to accept. You won’t ever know everything about a person. I don’t care what was posted online, i don’t care what was said, I don’t care who was with who, what was with what about any of that shit. For example: I don’t care that someone posts TikTok’s and makes relatable content and it seems fucked up, it’s just for views it’s not how people actually are, it’s to get views to get a paycheck, that’s not actually them. Some of it could be, but you cannot believe everything you see online. You cannot believe everything you read. You cannot believe everything you listen to. A lot of music is based on experiences and a lot of music is based on characters they’ve created and are portraying as, and alot of it is just fun or pure nonsense and has no meaning at all or even relates to the person singing it or whatever creative outlet used. Everyone tries to over analyze someone or something. It’s absolutely insane the shit that people like to pin against someone else or assume about someone else. It really show’s ignorancy. It shows how much certainty they are willing to jump to cause issues for someone. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

No one can just live anymore without someone jumping down their throats about something. There’s always something that’s a flaw or something wrong in some way in their eyes or again, quick to judge based on appearance, what’s said, what someone’s shared whatever when they really just need to be looking at themselves instead of trying to crawl up someone else’s ass and tell them who they are or judge them.

Speaking for myself, im learning to not care about what people think of me and what I do in life. I used to care so fucking much about what others thought of me and what was pounded into my head as a child to a point where I would over analyze every little thing and allow outside factors dictate my self worth and what I deserved and who I thought I was and should be at the time to a point where my anxiety (panic disorder)would be through the roof. Im at a point in life where I know who I am. I know what I’ve been through. I’m full of so many shades of color. I’m comfortable with change. I don’t have to justify anything or be anyone I’m not. You can choose to fw me or you can choose to fuck off. It’s really that simple. No harm no foul. Im not going to chase something that doesn’t chase me back. Im not going to go after anything that’s not truly meant for me. Because what’s meant to be will be regardless. So many doors have closed to only open more doors for me. I’m not bothered. I know everyone isn’t for everybody and that’s okay. You can believe what you want to believe about me but I highly doubt you know me personally to even begin to have an opinion on me. Everyone makes mistakes and no one’s perfect. The whole point is to work on and learn from them. Life is fully about the experience and to expand and change. I’m fully comfortable, aware and understanding of myself (still progressing, learning, healing, and improving in the ways that I struggle with) enough to say that. Because I know who knows me fully and who doesn’t. I know myself enough now and I’m helping my inner child walk with pride in realizing and coming to terms with that fact. 🩶 there is only so much time in life. I’m not going to waste it on trying to change others ignorance or to please other peoples perceptions of me. I’m choosing to move and live fluidly with happiness. I’m surrounding myself with mutuality & love and openness. There’s too much of myself I have yet to see yet, too many times in my life I have yet to experience, too much to deal with than to worry about all the negativity. Life is meant to be spent. I know yin and Yang with happiness comes madness and madness comes sadness and so on. It’s experience and I’m here as a student to learn. I’m okay. I have myself and I know who I am and what I put out into the world. I’m excited with childlike wonderment to continue to experience it all. I don’t know where I’ll be in the future but I know where I’m at right now in life and that’s enough. :). xx

[pa-anonoverflow]

Honestly Olivia seems so delusional i mean she seems happy so good for her i guess? but she needs fucking help actually. Her new Variety issue is just……. Her shitting on Jason and making him the bad guy when he is just minding his business and surprise she is talking about Harry ofc bc god forbid she goes one day without that and using Golden lyrics for her cover and yes ofc she is talking about their relationship while saying she doesnt wanna talk about it at the same time? And this coming after Harry said he has never publicly been with anyone? Florence refusing to be interviewed for it, and yes her talking about sex in the movie again when Florence called her out on it? Her acting like she cares about her kids and is a stay at home mom…. No words really…. Im just baffled.

She is a malignant narcissist. He was cheated on, don’t you think that is publicly humiliating? I’d say it’s a lot worse than being served court papers in public! She has done this to every ex she has had. She publicly demeans and humiliates men after she leaves them. First husband, her vagina died and now Jason she is trying to insinuate he did something horrible to her, which is not true. If anything Jason wasn’t being submissive enough to her narcissistic abuse so she went in search of a new supply. He has continued to take the high road and tried to minimize the damage done to his kids. It’s the only thing she can publicly go after him for.

Was it not damaging to her kids to abandon her family and cheat on their dad with her employee while her kids and fiance visited the set? A movie her daughter is in ripped apart the kids’ family but that’s less damaging than her mom being served in public? She forced Jason to have to file those papers to begin with and then evaded service so long the servers had to go to those lengths to serve her. Jason didn’t decide that, the lawyers did. Also, SHE SKIPPED HER SON’S BIRTHDAY DAYS BEFORE THIS TOOK PLACE! She does not care about what damages her kids, she cares about herself and she is angry. He has publicly apologized and if you were a mature parent putting your kids first you would accept said apology and let it go.

The whole thing is really really disgusting. Harry has to be quoted so much because no other cast member is willing to touch this. And I can guarantee you that she knows how upset people are about her promoting non consensual sex as female pleasure but she does not care. Take a moment to think about what kind of person would do that. Then take a moment to absorb that Harry and Olivia are publicly COLLABORATING on it.

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

I like you a lot cause you're a skeptic but you dont shit on believers, I'm sorry some of the believers shit on you though. I just get so baffled when people get so heated about others not agreeing with their mclennon opinion, but I guess thats just the internet, people will get into vicious fights over bread probably

Thank you sweet anon 🥺 i really appreciate this ^^

And yeah - my issue with the mcl*nnon community isn’t necessarily about the overall belief, cause im not saying im definitely right about John and Paul or that theres no chance its possible that there was a mutual sexual attraction and what-have-you etc. between them. Its more so just things like “oh you don’t think they fucked? well then you’re firstly, an idiot >:( and secondly, you only believe that cause you’re heteronormative and refuse to accept the truth and—” so on and so forth. And its this kind of mentality which is a large factor playing into my decision to detach myself from the community tbh - although theres other stuff, which ill post another time when im in a more curmudgeonly mood lol.

Again, its not every single individual who believes in “mclennon” whose like this - there are still plenty of people whose opinions completely differ from mine, but im still interested in hearing their commentary and id still consider us internet friends yknow :) But like, theres also lot of dickheads in the community, and ive just sort of realised - idc anymore, fuck em, im gonna live my life

Before I was mostly using the mclennon tag to connote the overall relationship between John and Paul, be it platonic or ~something else~. And I wouldn’t go as far as to say “whether there was a mutual sexual component between them doesn’t. matter. at all.” because it would imo largely change the nature of their relationship (especially from Pauls behalf) and how ive interpreted it; but I do feel like theres so much more to the relationship then just sex - enough so that even if our individual beliefs on the physical side to J&P’s relationship are in conflict, theres still so much to the emotional side of the relationship to be discussed, that it isnt actually that important in the overall discussion. And I just feel like its so reductive to view their relationship as this rigid line with friendship at one end and sex at the other - as if, if you cross a point on that line, that means romance, which = sex sex SEX!!

Like, i dont know, human relationships aren’t that simple. But y’know, you’re right anon: its literally just the internet, and its just very difficult to fully communicate through text imo - so oh well

[minimalisticmonstermash]

What the Fandom (actually) thinks about the SPN Finale 15x20!

A short while ago I posted a Quiz  [Which Part of Supernatural Season 16 are you?]  and the post has 27 notes, so I thought barely anyone would have taken this, but it turns out actually a couple people did.  And I´m so glad I did put in one free form question: “Would be please be so kind to sum up the finale in 3 words. (Or 333 if you want to...)”  Because the past days I clicked through the notifications on the quiz, which is kind of tedious, but I could not stop cause what people put in there is a mood, a riot, the pure unfiltered truth, eloquent and outrageous in the best way!   And so I collected the answers and tried to roughly group them. Which you can find under the cut. (If someone that took the quiz wants to be tagged or have the commentary removed please just message me!)  Can you guess what the most common 3 words were? 

 The rare acceptance or praise  not that bad  // Not entirely horrible.  //  satisfaction and closure :D  //  good idea, shaky execution, ultimately fulfilling  // epic love story

Grounded Truth & the well adjusted It was something // well that happened

CW & Network aka. put the blame where it (probably) belongs network fuckery afoot  //  Corporate Fuckery Ahoy!  // network bullshit ruined everything  // fuck the cw // Fuck the CW //  Fuck you cw //  cw ships wincest  //   FUCK ROBERT SINGER  // Greed won

Make some Effort (@show) Lazy //  half-assed fever dream  // feverish dream (nightmare)  // Could be better  // Not comprehensible, stupid, low budget  // How did buckleming do better  // Fuck you, spn writers. Could have done better

Hate Crime  A hate crime // literal hate crime  //  The hate crime //  I only need 2 and it's hate and crime // subtle-but-not hate crime // hatecrime to all Homophobia Call Out Straight Gay Chicken// not gay enough // bad unsexy homophobic // Where's my gay? // horrific hetero nightmare // Homophobic queerbait bullshit // no homo shitshow // Bury your gays // silencing, erasing, ugly  //  Homophobic and incestual  // homophobic disappointing stifd // Character assassination and homophobia //  Stinky, censorship, offensive // Disappointingly heterosexual & bland You need to speak  fandom for that  why lamp wtf //  It’s the turbo hell we were all sent to // Wheres the tapes??? Castiel centric  so no cas?  // So no cas? // Needs more Cas // No Cas, pathetic // where is cas // why no Cas // where was cas //  yo a ti  // where was castiel Bless you I released scripts for a reason

Deserving Better! Damn Right! They deserved better // They deserved better // They deserved better // dean deserved better //  dean deserved better  //  dean deserved better // Dean deserves better  //  destiel deserved better // Destiel deserve better. //  Jensen deserved better  //  dumb , idiotic , horrible and #deanwinchesterdeservedbetter

Trash, Shit  & Garbage aka. The scatological truth FUCK THIS SHIT // Shit shit shit // Shit shit shit // total shit //  Shittiest fucking shit// Total and utter shite. //  Piece of shit // Fuck this shit  //  Complete utter shit //   Fucking pointless shitshow // stupid As all fuck // That was shit.  // A shit show  // what a shitshow // An absolute shitshow // total shit show // a shit show // A shit show //  total shitshow lmao // absolute shit show  // A shit show // Rancid shit show  // i would say it's a shitshow but that's mean to shit // Complete utter shit   // fuck that shit //  fuck that shit //  fuck this shit // Absolute fuckin bullshit // fucked up shit  // Utter shit bro //  Distilled horse shit // Absolute horse shit // Absolute Horseshit. 3. //  Absolute dog crap // Piece of crap // pile of crap // piece of trash // Steaming trash fire // Shit ass garbage   //  Gar ba ge // Fucking trash fire // Absolute garbage fire // A dumpster fire //  piece of trash // unfortunate dumpster fire //  Flaming pile of garbage // disaster dumpster fire  // Unsatifying flaming garbage // Dumpster fire on ice. A mess. Underwhelming. Incomprehensible. Oof // I got 2: dumpster fire // Complete. Fucking. Bullshit.   // Complete utter bullshit // utter gross bullshit // Shit fuck shame // hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck

Still won´t read any praise here The worst thing  // a complete disaster // so fucked up //  It was terrible //  it really sucked  //  Man it sucked //  Well that sucked  //  Fucking sucked bro  //  it fucking sucked  // it sucked ass it was fucked // Sucked major ass.  // It sucked ass // very not good :(  //  it was bad :(  // Absolutely fucking awful  // The very worst //  bad. bad. wincest...  // Bad bad bad  //  bad poop ending // bad funni yuck // horrendous nightmare fuel  //   A fucking nightmare // worst thing i’ve never seen in my life //  an absolute atrocity  // a fucking disaster  it was terrible // an absolute disgrace  //  Just so awful // Really Fucking Bad // Literally the worst // Real real bad  //  Bad stupid bad  // uhh very bad  // crap bad lacking //  horrible rude worst // awful  //  bad // bad  //  Crap //  wack Ugh. // No  // UGH // Bad, messy, dumb   // Bad terrible worst ugh  // Oof my dude  // deep deep sigh 9000+ epic failure  //  Small dick energy

Demands!  Suck my dick   // Not it motherfucker

Thinking of all of us! We all lost

Summed up in 3 Words               Bitch. Fucker. Ass.    //  Death age heaven  // Dead, married, forgotten  // Sam Dead Car  // Dead, Sad, & Car.  // Dead, Sad, Car  // Slow shambling death  //  burns in hell // Absurd, wtf, huh  //  fucking odoriferous stench.

Not Canon & Fake  &  Insulting insulting. not canon  // Unsatisfying, degrading, noncanonical // Disgusting Insulting Fake // sad, bullshit, not-a-finale // Embarrassing, ridiculous, insulting // disheartening, harmful, horrible // Terrible. Disgusting. Hilarious  //                 Incomplete. Unkind. Nonsensical.  // Traumatising, stupid, horrendous  // horrible incomplete unsuccessful  // Disgusting, disrespectful, unreal

Disappointments & Complaints very big disappointment  //  disappointing, disrespectful, baffling  // An utter disappointment // disappointment of the decade  //  Fruitless, regressive, insulting, disturbing, and all-in-all just disappointing //  the complete unpackage  // supernatural finale clusterfuck  // WRONG, Horrible, Offensive //  poo rehash bad  // Unnecessary character deaths  Betrayal & Inconsistency   Stupid awful depressing poorly written inconsistent betrayal  // Boring betrayal // inconsistent, monotonous mess  //  inconsistent disappointing mess

Denial! Aka. The wise!  Finale? What finale? //   What finale ?  // what finale? //  Finale? What finale? Ohhhh yeah 15x18 was great // you mean 15x18?  // Did not happen.  // What the...what?? // What finale ??? // um.........what finale? // finale? what finale. // what finale? it didn't air yet. last episode that aired was 15x18 pffft  //  what finale :) //  Does Not Exist  //  It never happened  //   That didn’t happen // No, i refuse, there was a finale??? // what finale?? // It doesn't exist  // it doesn't exist // Weird of season 15 to end with 19 episodes and an open ending // what finale? the show got canceled after 15x18  // Finale? What finale? Supernatural isn’t over. I’m not in denial, you are //  an atrocity i've erased from my memory //  I Can't See Suddenly. I Don't Know// Don’t know her.        

Consequences & Emotions (I hope you´re all okay, have a hug!) Oh my god it was awful. Hated it. Made me reactivate in the fandom. And obses over that show AGAIN. Oh, and yeah, yeeted me to a place so dark that I got me some new scars.  // Ymmmmm, fuck the finale. It got me spiraling down back to depression and self harm. Didn't make sence. Badly written. Badly executed (well, except acting) // Never wanted to claw my own face off more than watching that heap of garbage // fuckin hated it // My heart hurts  // Stupid unsatisfying pain  //  slap inthe face // I am unhinged  // Im throwing up  //  I am sad //  i went feral  //  Broke my heart  // hurt my feelings  / I wanna die // i hate it <3  // I hated it  // I hate it //  Extreme rage inducing  // Trauma, It was   // Oh. Oh dear. // Absolute soul crushing, sucked sunshine and joy out of this world and any other possible reality this abomination exists in. It hurt so much I actually disassociated and had a real life horrible week. Luckily anger finally swept in and fan fiction ultimately saved the day. // AWFUL. HARMFUL. DEPRESSING. I HATE IT // Waste of time //  My villain origin story // Destroyed rewatch value

This is unfortunately too true  disturbingly pro-suicide   //   odd lacking empty

Valid Questions:  why’d’ya do that // Why why why

WTF?! What the …  “The popular 3” What The Fuck // What the fuck// what the fuck // What the fuck. // what the fuck // What the fuck //  What the fuck //  What the fuck. //  What the fuck // What. The. Fuck.  //   What The Fuck  //  What the fuck // what the fuck // what the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck?! // What. The. Fuck. // What the fuck?!  // what. the. fuck. (was that????) // What the actual fuck? // 1. What 2. The 3. Fuck //  'what the fuck'  // The actual fuck? //  What the heck, //// What the heck //  What the heck // what the hell // What the hell? // what the hell

Narative & Character Development That was pointless // Failure of storytelling //  15 years of story and character development down the fucking drain // Fuck character arcs, no free will // Assassination of character  // Lost character development // character development is dead // disjointed alien mess I don't know these characters what the fuck // boring, loveless, characters are ignoring  // Season 1 Finale.  // From darker timeline // Awful Forgetable OOC //  piece of shit all the character development thrown out the window. cas deserved better (also to be with dean cause they are in love)   //  Underwhelming, disappointing garbage, a slap in the face of chatacter development. //  the dark ending //  The Chuck ending we didn't deserve. // a dumpster fire on the level of the GoT finale - all character dev & story arc thrown out. CLOWN VAMPIRES  

The Jokers among us, or those finding a laugh in the grimmest things a comedy  //  Just a joke

Relateable:  AAAA AAAAA AAAA  // AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I see what you did there and I love you 333 // 333 // 333  // 333  // 333 variations of the word fuck I especially love you  666

Rebels! 4 words (sorry): they showed their hand  //  The end of hope (that’s 4 words but too bad)

Didn´t watch the Finale  for various reasons  Haven’t seen it,  //  i didn't watch it out of spite  // haven't seen it yet for some reason // didn’t watch it  //  I didn’t watch it but everything that happened because of it activated the decade-old sleeper agent part of my brain that was a spn fan  // I stopped watching spn in the middle of season 12... The finale was awful from what I gathered

Hello Stranger, we welcome you here  I don't actually watch SPN I'm taking this for kicks bro

The Refusal (either of the finale or the  question) Nope //  No thank you // no // No   // No thanks, fuckers // No thank you. // No // This is bullshit // haha what? No  // Please, not this  // Oh god no // noooooo oooo ooo  // ....no. //  No. It sucks // I will not <3  //  no thank you  // no no no  //  no thank you  // Lmao wtf no // Nope. Just no. Refusal is self care!  No, I won't let it hurt me again. //  I can't, it's too bad

The offensive Wig! Party city wig // party city wig  //  party city wig // Homophobic, bad, wig // shitty sam wig // party city wig // Party City Wig // party city wig  // Jared's fucking wig //  bad, homophobic, party city wig // The Wig™ Blurry wife Sam's blurry wife

The Nail / Rebar!  ( @the-rusty-nail-that-killed-dean  @therustynailthatkilleddean  you are recognized) nailed by dickbar //  rusty nail wins  // Rusty fuckin nail.  //  Nail Dean Death Clown  //  dean got nailed  // Rebar. Cas helped.

All of those  Dickbar, Blurry Wife, Driving for 40yrs,Party City Wig, Drone Shot (cringe) // absolute trash fire garbage, burn the party city wig and the cw down but keep the dog

Those with crystal balls expected i guess // disappointed, not surprised

Puzzled (Yeah me too) or Undecided or Eh i don’t even fucking know // Jggfdv //  Huy  // Meh // Meh // meh  // it was bad ??

Let´s create great fanworks!! free real estate

Defies Categories and is good stuff  everything for nothing. // traumatizing, badly-written, comedic   //  devastating yet obnoxious //  God is dead but hegemonic masculinity is still kicking // maam this is a wendys  // am so glad that I was a whovian. I've dodged two bullets. // F's in the chat // >:((

I´m sorry, I failed you with this quiz quiz was wrong // Dude. Dude you gave me "liking the finale" a minute ago. I assure you; i did not. "You have found peace" bro I haven't known a SECOND of peace since that ill-begotten nightmare of a shitstorm  //  [[“I STILL HOPE UR DAY WAS G”:]]  HOW THE FUCK DID I GET THAT I LIKED THE FINALE PLS OP THIS IS NOT A MARK ON YOU OR ANYTHIG I LOVE U EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW YOU BTU PLS THE DEPRESSIVE STATE THAT I SPENT MY LIFE IN POST-FINALE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE SHAMED IN THIS WAY I. PLEASE. I DID NOT LIKE THE FINALE. HOW DO I GET A DIFFERENT ANSWER PLEASE

Misha? Was that you? Rancid Nut Work

Particular Stuff Fuck john Winchester  // [[“ Mj”; ]]fucking disgusting shitshow [okay so that was 3 words, but MAY I JUST SAY, c*w was incredibly disrespectful to Misha, Cas, Jensen, and Dean. Misha played a Cas for 12 years, and then he's not even in the finale? and Cas gets mentioned a whopping total of 2 times after he confesses his love to Dean?? and then, Jensen. 15 years of his life on Supernatural. Jensen turned down the role to be Captain America, and his best friend is Dean, the character he plays. But then Dean dies on a rusty nail, never getting to actually live his life? Dean died how he always thought he would- and he died as "Daddy's Blunt Instrument", finishing off his dad's unfinished case. J*hn Winch*ster ab*sed him and Sam mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically too, and does NOT deserve to get a Heaven at all, least of all, a Heaven right by Deans. Dean never got to live how he wanted to and was repressed as fuck, and this is all because of his dad, the resident shit head. And don't even get me started on the queer erasure, and racism. Kevin Tran deserved better. He, after through all he suffered on Earth, deserves to go to Heaven, not be tortured in the afterlife forever. I fully believe that it's just because he was Asian. If J*hn got into Heaven, why couldn't Kevin. Also, not to mention, Charlie, Rowena, Claire, Patience, Kaia, Crowley, Donna, and Jodi, and probably countless of other queer characters who were erased. They were silenced and fuck the cw for doing that. I could add so much more, but for now, have an excellent day and a wonderful year :)]   //  [[“Yellowcollins”:]] hat the fuck was that literally what the fuck. I’m convinced the writers did not watch a single episode they made past season 3. There was literally not a SINGLE character from season 4 onwards in the finale. LITERALLY. NO. ONE. and what about “family don’t end in blood” that they’ve been preaching since LITERALLY season 1??? huh??????? nah fuck 15x20, this will go down and the WORST ending in the history of endings.

[cookie] < for everyone that made it that far ;)  

[rjalker]

How did you figure out you were aro-ace? (I'm sorry if this is an invasive question.)

Oh no it's fine!

I've known literally since I can remember that I didn't like boys and I didn't like girls. Just completely disinterested in both of them. Other girls would point at a boy and squee, "isn't he soooo cuute???" And I'd just be like,,,, "uhh....sure?" Because I didn't want to be rude, but I also did not see what they were talking about.

Like, I've never gotten a crush on anyone, I've never wanted to kiss or hold hands or date or GODS FORBID do anything else. In general I just don't like other people touching me/touching other people (I don't even like hugging my grandparents) so I just never...wanted to do any of that stuff? Or understood the appeal.

Like, I don't even like sitting too close to people on a couch or something. I have a very big personal space bubble.

So ice never been attracted to people (and to be absolutely 100% honest I don't even understand sexual attraction AT ALL. Like every now and then I'll think I have it figured out but then an allo will say something and in like. Welp. That flew out the window) and I've never wanted to date or hold hands ect

Probably the first time I recognized that I was different from other kids was the first time a boy (In seriousness, not trying to play a prank) asked me If I would be his girlfriend.

I...thibk I wa ten or so? And he was probably the same. He said I was pretty, and that he really like me, and he wanted to know if I would go out with him. And I was just baffled. I told him gently that I had to say no because I didn't see him that way, and he was disappointed, but he accepted my no.

Like, he was a nice kid. He'd never been mean to me or anyone else that is seen. He was probably considered to be cute by people who actually experience attraction. But I barely knew him, we were barely even acquaintances let alone friends, and even though he really liked me, I didn't like him back.

And like I just. Didn't understand why he would be asking me out when he barely knew me based on the sole fact that he thought I was pretty.

I've had several more boys (and one adult creeper fuck, and one girl) ask me out. The girl was my friend at the time and honestly? When she asked me out?

I just felt betrayed. Because up until that point she had also said that she was aro ace and didn't want to date or any th ing like that. And then she asked me out.

And when she asked me out I spent one second considering what it would be like. Holding hands, kissing, and more, and every thing in my being recoiled. I knew that if I said yes it would make me miserable. Like, every bone in my body said that saying yes would be horrible beyond belief.

All I have ever wanted is friends. I don't want a boyfriend or a girlfriend or an enbyfriend, I don't want to get married.

I've known since forever yhat I didn't like anyone the way they seemed to like ea characters other.

I once had to do an essay in English class to describe my perfect spouse and I figured, well I don't like boys or girls so I'll just describe my perfect spouse with a neutral 'they'. The teacher first reprimanded me foe using they as a pronoun and insisted I change it to male, which she said was gender neutral (even back then I stared at her like ???? When she said that) and then when I refused to change it she gave me a C.

So it wasn't so much I figured out that I was aro/ace So much as I learned that words that described me existed.

Im aro/ace simply because I've never been interesting in dating or kissing and the thought of sex just repulses me completely.

This is a long and rambly post but

It's really freaking important that we educate kids about asexualiry and aromantisicm because

I knew I didn't like other people like they did

I knew that

But I thought that that meant there was something wrong with me.

Because in health class, they always talked about hormones. Hormones were what made us go through puberty, caused our bodies to change, and hormones were whay made us (apparently) want to kiss eachother and do other unmentionable things together.

And I never wanted to kiss anyone. I never thought the boys my friends were freaking over were cute. I can tell if someone is pretty, but I just...it just means they're pretty. Like a painting is pretty. It doesn't affect me in anyway.

Hormones, I was told, were what made everyone freak out over boys.

And I didn't freak out over boys. I didn't want to kiss them. And I didn't want to kiss girls either.

So, clesrly, because there was no other thing for me to think that meant there was something wrong with my hormones.

I though it meant that there was something wrong with me.

Because if hormones = attraction and o didn't feel attraction, that meant there was something wrong with mem

And that's how a lot of a-spec people feel before they find out that asexuality is a thing. Aromantisicm is a thing.

There are words for the way they feel.

There are other people who experience the same thing.

You know the one thing I had as a kid that I could identify with? The one thing I ever had that made me go, hey! That's like me!

The myth of Artemis.

Artemis was literally the only thing I ever saw that I could relate to. Every book I read reiterated that she never took a lover and never got married and had no children. She was the Virgin goddess, and not because she was ugly or mean. But because she just...didnt date.

All she did was hang put with her friends and have fun hunting.

Like I said I'm rambling but seriously. If someonebhad just told me as a kid that being aro ace was a thing, I wouldn't have spent years thinking there was something wrong with me.

Exclusionists like to pretend kids don't have any kind of sexuality until they literally start having sex, and they're purposefully ignoring the fact that gay girls get crushes on girls and straight girls get crushes on boys LONG before thoughts of sex ever enter their minds.

My mom told me I was too young to understand how I felt when I tried to explain to her (at what? 17? Maybe? Idk) what asexual meant.

I asked her how old she was when she realized she liked boys. She refused to answer, because she knew she'd be proving herself wrong.

Tldr I've always known I didn't like boys girls or abyt ing inbetween, and figuring out my sexuality was as simple as learning that the words I'd been looking for existed.

Oh and as always, feel free to reblog!

[nie7027]

Super5 headcanons part 4

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3  Part 4   Part 5

And thats how they found themselves one saturday morning in the parking lot of the closest mall with no idea how to go about this

Hatori, who already regretted this, was regretting it even more when he noticed how crowded the place was "so... What do we do if someone recognizes him as the prime minister kidnapper? "

"We have come before and no one has recognized us so far..." said shibata a little hesitant "what makes you think this time it would be different?"

"Well i dont know...how about the fact it was internationally televised"

"So were you destroying that army helicopter" quipped Shimazaki from behind "if you are so scared you shouldnt have come"

"Who do you think is gonna pay for your shit dumbass?!"

"Did i ask you to do it?" Shimazakis glasses were obscuring his eyes but the glare was evident "I am the one forced to come. I DONT NEED YOU-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP" Minegishi yelled before Shimazaki could say anything further "Hatori! we have gone through this before. Everything willl be fine and if it isnt then we'll deal with it and Shimazaki no one is forcing you to do this! we talked and you accepted, you cant turn back now"

When both of them kept quiet Minegishi thanked god(gods? Whoever was in charge of his stupid life) for it and rubbed his temples, a headache already threatenint its way

Although Shimazaki had been mostly right in saying they forced him to come they would never give him the reason

Besides its not like he couldnt transport away at any moment. If he was here it was because at some level he actually wanted and it was enough for them.

"Cmon guys, people are starting to stare" Shibata, bless him, decided to take charge at that instant and ushered them inside

"So...where do we start? " said Hatori wearily glancing at the different stores there were

"How about we start by replacing his jacket?" mused Shibata "i think its the item that attracts attention the most"

"Whats wrong with my jacket?"

"It has bullet holes"

"And scorching marks"

"Scorch marks? That fucking kid..."

"You didnt notice? It used to have blood stains too but they were gone after i washed it...was it even yours?"

"How would i know?"

The three men sighed at this before minegishi spoke "Okay...that settles it then. Well start by the jacket"

"Oh how about we get him a sweater? I actually need some myself and they are in offer!" said Hatori excitedly pointing at the store where he usually bought his

"Im sorry man but someone needs to tell you...your taste in sweaters suck" admitted Shibata making Shimazaki snicker

"Says the guy who only wears shorts and nike t shirts"

"IM A GYM INSTRUCTOR"

"So? Why does everybody need to know at all times?"

Minegishi, for the second time that day. interrupted the fight between his friends "Im sorry Hatori but Shibatas right"

"What?" asked Hatori feeling betrayed

"I mean...the pigeon sweater?"

"Oh for the lord of-You know what? FINE! Whatever! I dont care! But thats a start and none of you have a better idea." Hatori smirked knowing he was right when the others didnt said anything "Besides he is going to pick his clothes so you dont have to worry about my "horrible taste" and fuck you guys, that sweater was awesome"

Shimazaki watched amused the exchange that followed while they walked to the supoosed sweater store. It remind him of the reason he accepted coming.

He was getting used to these petty fights and actually found them kind of funny.

Maybe coming wasnt as bad of a idea as it felt at first

Maybe it was

"So do you like the burgundy one?" asked Shibata when he noticed Shimazaki finally picked something

"Whats burgundy?" replied Shimazaki who had only grabbed something that felt soft

"Its kind of like red...but darker"

"Shibata I dont know what red is"

"Oh...thats....thats sad man"

Minegishi facepalmed before picking more red sweaters and handing them to Shimazaki "Red is actually the color of the t shirt you are wearing so it's close to your current style. Here. These are red too just...try them out and see if you like any"

"I cant believe i forgot he cant see" said Shibata while Shimazaki went to dressing room

"It happens to best of us" responded Minegishi

Some minutes later Shimazaki returned with 2 sweaters including the burgundy he had picked

"So how did it go?" asked minegishi retrieving the sweaters from Shimazakis hands

"They felt soft"

"And?"

"And....what?" this was new fo Shimazaki and he didnt know what answer were they expecting

"How did the fit? How did you feel the neck? The chest?"

" they just fitted"

"Really?" shibata checked the tags "these are two sizes apart. Didnt one feel too loose or too tight?"

Shimazaki tried to remember but he didnt actually paid attention to that.

Luckily for him Hatori decided that moment to come back.

"Hey guys how its going? I talked with the cashier and he said that theres a 2x1 offer. So we can-oh, you already got 2? How did you know?"

He wasnt expecting the others to shrug

"Okay..." continued Hatori "Are you finished? I already got mine"

"Do you want those?" Minegishi asked and sighed when the other man kept silence

Shimazaki didnt know. Sure, they have felt nice but so did his current clothes. Besides minegishi was asking if he "wanted" them and Shimazaki wasn't used to actually considering if he wanted them. Usually there wasnt many options.

"How did you pick your clothes?" tried Shibata

it was shimazakis turn to shrug "I just robbed them and kept what fitted"

"What? Who did you rob to get your current clothes" said Hatori surprised "i thought you had this aesthethic going"

"What?"

" You know like bad boy style. Kinda like grease"

"What"

"Grease? The musical-"

"ANYWAY" interrupted Minegishi "we are barely starting. Lets try somewhere else"

After that they went to other stores to try other clothes but each time the same scene of shimazaki, being unconfortable and not caring that much for what they picked, repeated and Shibata was having none of that.

He pulled Shimazakis arm turning him back. "Okay, man. From the clothes you are wearing right now. Which one do you actually like?"

It took shimazaki a full minute to answer but he finally said "The jacket"

Without thinking it twice Shibata dragged him to the first leather jacket store he saw, the others following close behind and scanned the items looking for a model that resembled Shimazakis the most.

Minegishi who had been looking at the tags glanced back to shibata "Are you sure about this? These are really expensive"

Shibata didnt reply and kept looking until he found what he wanted and smiliing turned to shimazaki"Take off your jacket and try this"

Shimazaki did as he said (and almost suceed at hiding the apprehesion Shibata had seen before when handing his jacket) and frowned when he put on the other. "Did you just hand me back my jacket again?"

Shibatas smile grew wider "Nop"

Shimazaki didnt believe him so he started to feel around for the bullet holes he knew were in the back and "stared" in disbelief when he couldnt find any of them.

Shibata resisted the urge to laugh "If you dont believe me check the sides. It has pockets"

"Maybe i never noticed mine had pockets" said Shimazaki stuffing his hands into the new pockets

"Sure man" shibata looked at the others "What do you think?"

"What am i suppsed to think? He looks exactly the same" said Hatori "At least this one isnt falling apart"

" Are you sure? Did you looked at the price" asked Minegishi again

Shibata glanced back at a now pouting Shimazaki who still had his hands stuffed inside the pockets and nodded "Its not like i will be broke if I buy it"

Shibata returned Shimazaki his old jacket and after paying for the new one he and the others gathered around Shimazaki

"Now shimazaki. Your pants"

"What about them?"

" what dont you like about your pants?"

Shimazaki looked offended "who said i dont like my pants?"

"You. You said it was the jacket what you liked the most and not the pants so theres sometjing about tjem you dont like" pointed out Minegishi

"Is the tightness isnt it?" Hatori asked with a smirk

"I actually like the tightness" deadpanned shimazaki and then looked like something disgusting crossed his mind but Hatori started screaming

"AH CMON! IM NOT BUYING HIM SLUTTY SKIN TIGHT LEATHER PANTS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE WILL HAVE TO GO-"

Minegishi covered hatoris mouth with his hand shutting him definitely "what did you think?"

"I liked shibatas clothes" Shimazaki reluctantly grumbled out

"AND THATS ANOTHER POINT FOR THE NIKE SHORTS GUY" bragged Shibata

"I liked Minegishis socks too"

"Wha-When did you use my socks?"

Shimazaki shrugged "That week you were hiding with them"

"You little piece of-"

They went to buy those and other clothes they deemed necesary ("STOP BEING CHILDREN YOU TWO. HE NEEDS UNDERWEAR TOO" yelled an embarrased Minegishi after the others laughed at him for suggesting it). Trying to get at least 2 items of each type of clothes

Eventually Shimazaki admitted he had liked the sweaters he tried first too and Hatori gladly bought them even though none of them correctly fitted (one was too tight and one was too loose)

With bags in hands they set out to leave and were talking about what to eat when Hatori cut it "Hey guys. Before we go i need to go to the bethroom!"

"Cant you wait till we go to eat?"

"If i could i would"

"Ugh fine. Do you even know where the bathroom is?

"There are six. Two in each floor. the closest to us in the middle, we passed it some minutes ago." shimazaki unexpectly said

Minegishit, shibata and Hatori stared baffled at him.

"How do you know...?"

"Mental eye?" said Shimazaki like it was the most obvious thing in the world "Theres so many people that I basically can see a complete map of the mall"

"Yeah but how do you know when you are seeing a bathroom?" asked curiously Hatori

The three of them started laughing when Shimazaki refused to answer

While they waited for Hatori Shibata glanced around and almost smacked himself in the head when he noticed certain store.

With all the drama of the clothes Shibata had completely forgotten the real reason they were here. Luckily for him it was in front of them

"LOOL GUYS! A PET STORE!"

Minegishi looked to where Shibata pointed and hummed "we could go look around while we wait"

"Why would we-" Shibata pulled again shimazakis arm not letting him finish his question and dragged him inside the store.

'Please let it be one of those stores please let it be one of those stores' kept repeating Shibata in his head until Minegishi pointed at one side of the store "Look, they have a pet zone"

Victory! "Lets go!"

Shimazaki followed Minegishi and Shibata to the far end of the store where a lots of kids were and stood awkwardly not knowing what to do when Shibata suddenly handed him a little ball of fur.

Heartbeats. Blood flowing. Breaths. Warm. Soft. Oh no.

When Hatori finally found them after searching for minutes it was to the scene of Shimazaki sitting on the floor the floor, face being licked by one of the five puppies sitting on his lap....Was he crying? (No he wasnt but it was close)

Minegishi and Hatori were loudly gasping while Shibata kept saying variations of "I told you guys!" "You didnt believe me"

It was a good day for Shibata.

At night Minegishi. And Shimazaki were facing a new problem he hadnt considered. Where would they put Shimazaki stuff?

"I thought you could use my wardrobe but its too small..." minegishi had forgotten how much of a space his uniforms occuped.

Shimazaki suddenly dissapeared and after some minutes teletransported back with some boxes and ignored when Minegishi asked him from where did he got them "People use boxes to store things. We can use them"

"I guess? But it will be a hassle to pile and unpile them whenever-I have an idea"

without further ado Minegishi activated his powers and with the plants and the boxes built and cabinet of sorts in tje licing room "This will have to do for a while"

They spent the rest of the night folding the clothes (more like Minegishi trying to teach Shimazaki how to do it) and then went to sleep.

Since Shimazaki was overpowered by a bunch of puppies(YEAH SHIBATA YOU WERE RIGHT WE WERE WRONG CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP), Hatori decided something must have broken inside him because he developed a new habit: He started to pet every dog he encountered

And "Encountered" was a way to put it

After the third scream that afternoon Hatori shaked his head while waiting for the man to come back

"SHIMAZAKI FOR THE LAST TIME STOP POPPING OUT OF NOWHERE"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE YOU SCARE THE SHIT OUTTA PEOPLE!"

"So?"

Hatori groaned dragging his hands along his face and then turned to walk away /flee the scene

" I knew we should have stayed back in the apartment playing videogames"

"I told you I didnt want to come" shimazaki whined

Hatori just glared at him and walked faster not caring whether the bastard followed him or not. Why was he stuck babysitting Shimazaki on his off day? Oh yeah, minegishi was working and Shibata...fuck shibata! How could he forget his wallet "well, you wouldnt have had to come if you had accepted to take him his wallet"

Shimazaki somewhat got offended by that "Iike some kind of delivery guy? What a waste of my powers. Besides if i had taken it to him he wouldnt have invited us to dinner"

"Okay. First of all delivery guys are the foundation of modern society and you should respect them and second SHIBATA DIDNT INVITE YOU YOU INVITED YOURSELF"

Shimazaki just shrugs "so? Its shibata! He always pays for me"

"Aaaand the manchild cant see why thats wrong" hatori mutters

"Hatori Im blind"shimazaki deadpans

"YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT-"

Shimazaki who was clearly ignoring Hatori perks up "Hes coming"

"Who is-?" hatori doesnt need to ask once he sees shibata giant form turning the corner ahead

"Hi guys!" Shibata greets waving at them .

Hatori hesitantly waves back "Shibata? What are you doing here? Didnt you have a class?"

"Boss had an emergency and we had to close early"

"Oh damn i hope it wasnt something serious-"

"WHO CARES? CAN WE GO ALREADY?" shimazaki whines

Shibata laughs and pats him on the back "Shimazaki! buddy, Im glad you came!"

Hatori rolls his eyes "the only reason he came was the food. He didnt even want you bring your wallet to you which reminds me" he takes out the wallet and gives it to him " you left it on the kicthen counter"

Shibata takes it and smiles "thank you man, you are the best!...so where do you guys want go?"

Shimaza was already opening his mouth to declare what he wanted when hatori pointed at accusatory finger at him "oh no! Dont even dare! Minegishi and Shibata spoil you enough"

Shibata frowned at him "We dont spoil him-"

Hatori turned to look at him with a face that said 'You gotta be kidding me' "YES YOU DO! He picked the last two times and I already had to deal with his bullshit all day so today I get to pick where we go!" hatori crossed his arms "besides it was me who brought the wallet"

"What? No! The places you pick are lame." shimazaki explaimed "shibata tell him!"

"Im sorry bud, he has a point there. You picked the last two times and its only fair he gets to pick today"

Shibata had to resist the laugh at seeing shimazaki sulk and Hatori stuck his tongue out at him.

After hatori proclaimed where he wanted to got they started to walk in that direction. Shibata carefully observed Hatori.

"So...what did shimazaki do to make you mad like that?" asked Shibata after a few minutes of walking

"He scared three persons on our way here" mumbled Hatori while he texted on his phone

"Three persons?" shibata looked back at shimazaki who walked behing with his hands in his pockets "Why?!"

Shimazaki shrugged "Its not my fault people are so easy to scare"

Not undertanding shibata turned to hatori confused

Hatori sigued and without looking from his phone he replied "He is doing again that thing where he teleports to pet nearby dogs"

Shibata groaned "Buddy! We have told you already theres no need to teletransport, you can just walk up to them and ask the owner if you can pet their dog"

Shimazaki rolled his eyes "Wheres the fun in that?"

"The fun is in the fact i wouldnt have to run 3 different times in less than 1 hour because of you" hissed Hatori finnally pocketing his phone

"Besides" picked Shibata " You cant go around petting peoples dogs"

"Huh? Why not?" rebuked Shimazaki "All dogs like to be petted!"

"Because you have to ask the owners permission first you dingus! Some people dont like to be molested "

"And there are some special dogs who shouldnt be petted or they get distracted from their duty "

"Oh! I heart about that-"

"They are dogs" Shimazaki snapped "What duty could dogs possibly have?"

Both men turned to him surprised "You dont know? You must know"

"About what?" answered Shimazaki

"Service dogs? You know...Dogs that help blind people? "

"What?"

Thats how they spend dinner explaining to shimazaki about service dogs

Later that night when a text from Minegishi saying "Who was the idiot who told Shimazaki about service dogs??" came they both ignored it

Feeling guilty for letting Minegishi crush Shimazakis dreams of having a dog after being the ones who told him in the first place, Hatori and Shibata arranged a day to accompany Shimazaki to pet dogs.

Susprinsingly the man had listened to them and stopped popping besides every person who walked their dog and instead waited for Hatori or Shibata to let him know when he could pet the dog.

Due to how complicated that was they soon found a solution: stray dogs were free of hassle even if they were more difficult to find.

"You know? The day he tries to keep one of them we will be in big trouble" mussed Hatori after Shimazaki dissapeared probably finding another stray

"i dont know. Minegishi was very harsh." Shibata laughed remebering that day " I doubt hell try it anytime soon"

Hatori hummed "Do you think hell stay there this time or wil he bring it-"

As in cue Shimazaki reappered, a dirty bundle of black hair in his arms "I got it! It was behind some trash bags"

Both men stared at the strange looking ball of fur, dread setting in their stomachs.

"S-Shimazaki...Buddy... I dont think thats a dog" said Shibata slowly backing away

"What do you mean-" the thing decided that moment to turn its head and reveal its masked eyes.

It was a raccoon.

It bit Shimazakis arm.

"AHHH STUPID SHIT" Shimazaki screamed and quickly trew the damn thing

"AHHHHHHHH" the damn thing, now a blur of claws and fangs, unfortunately landed on Hatoris head.

"Shimazaki help me here-AHHHH" screamed shibata when he tried to rip the beast from Hatoris face

Shimazaki just teleported away.

By the time the raccoon finally jumped and scurried away both Hatori and Shibata were covered in scratches and bleeding from different parts.

"He is gonna pay...Im gonna make him pay" muttered Hatori while cleaning his glasses.

"I think we should go to the hospital first..."

Originally shimazaki was gonna mistake a cat for a dog but a racoon sounded funnier.

Did you know you rarely see stray dogs in Japan because people immediately report them? Or at least thats what my japanese teachers told me.

I know this is like a month later but i had difficulties writing this...ngl the por reception the 3rd part had kinda bummed me BUT i love these guys too much and dont want to stop writing this so im okay now.

Besides in the meantime i wrote for my fics! College funds chapter 2 is up now and so is my newest fic Mother's day! You should check them out. Ive been writing a the good place au for mp100 too but i havent posted it yet.

Anyway! Hope you liked this (Dont listen to them Hatori, your sweater are great)and see you next part because where we will finally reach THE PRANK so be ready for it and some feels

(i was gonna include it in this part but it was already too large and i decided to rearrange some stuff)

Im posting this again because tumblr sucks and posted the first version as a quote that even i cant see

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

Tomorrow Never Came PT. 4

You have one job - travel decades into the past and save your mother from a horrible future. You can’t fail or you’ll have to start over again completely, and you have to act on your own. Already having broken rule number two, a new revelation forces you to reflect on how much impact you’ll truly have, not just on your mother’s life, but on other’s as well. 

Read PT. 1 here | Read PT. 2 here | Read PT. 3 here

(a/n: i wish i could have put more deacon in this ksdkfjsd i love him but it felt forced if i put too much in there. anyways big things happening here hehe ok not huge but still wild. im gonna go to a basketball game now pray that the nacho cheese is good bc im craving a walking taco)

“So you were just working and you heard this loud boom? That’s terrible!” Brian exclaimed, leaning forward from between you and John. His abnormally long legs were spread out, leaving you scarcely any room to sit comfortably as the six of you chatted away.

“Yes, it was quite terrifying, really,” Mary practically gushed, leaning over Freddie’s lap as they lounged on the floor together, Freddie’s back against the side of the chair Roger was casually seated in. “There were hundreds of us in there, I’d never learned any protocol on how to handle a bomb threat. Closed us down until a few days ago, the back room was in shambles!”

“Who did it?” you questioned, genuinely curious about who would have a beef with Biba in this day and age. That being said, you also knew this day and age almost purely in textbook definitions and whatever the limited scope of your world had to offer you in the last two months – so basically, you only knew 70’s Kensington.

“Wasn’t it the Angry Brigade?” John chimed in, rifling through a magazine lackadaisically as he spoke. “I think I read that they claimed it in IT.”

“What have they got to be so angry about?” you asked, Roger snorting and letting his head fall back against the chair as he rested a leg on Freddie’s shoulder, quickly getting it brushed off. Giving Freddie a sour look, he hooked his legs over the armrest instead, lazing back in the chair and getting extra comfortable as he began to speak.

“I’d be angry if I had horrid taste in clothing too. Imagine wanting to bomb Biba and thinking ‘Wow, I’m really letting those fashionable fuckers have it! Anarchy!’”

Freddie toyed with Mary’s hair as she draped herself over his lap completely. Smiling at the sweet gesture, you hugged your knees to your chest and rested your chin on your right knee, looking down at the couch in front of you and tugging on a frayed fabric.

“Well, at least you’ve got a job again,” Freddie directed at Mary, who nodded and smiled as she leaned into his hand that was running through her hair.

“And you’ve got a place to come pester me besides my flat,” she added, laughing when Freddie retracted his hand and gave her a resentful glance before crossing his arms. “I’m joking, I love when you come see me at work, lovie! Don’t stop playing with my hair, I like it.”

Rolling his eyes playfully, Freddie sighed before going back to running his fingers through her hair. You were observing their conversation all the while, so when they quieted, you looked up and found that Roger had also been watching them. He looked up and met your gaze, pretending to gag himself with his middle finger and making you laugh as you turned away from him.

“What’s so funny? Surely, it’s not Roger.” Brian’s tone held a sort of faux innocence, but he was clearly prying at Roger’s patience – what was new, though? In the handful of times you’d been around this rag tag group of friends for the past two months, they had tested each other’s patience in every way possible. Yet here everyone was, laughing and having a good time with each other over a couple bottles of cheap wine. You regretted that you didn’t get to spend more time with them – you used overtime hours at the café as an excuse, but you knew that it was mainly because you really didn’t want to cry any harder than you already were going to when you had to return to your actual reality.

“I’ll have you know, Brian, I’m a regular comedian!” Roger protested, taking a sip of his wine as he glared over the rim at the curly-haired giant next to you. “Y/N was laughing at me, in fact. Or maybe it was your pants, who knows?”

Brian looked down at his admittedly hideous trousers, a shitty shade of brown that did not compliment his skin tone well at all. On top of that, they were a horrendous pinstripe pattern, and they didn’t match the striped green jumper he had on. “I’d rather accept that than even entertain the notion that you were remotely funny enough to make anyone laugh.”

“Salty today, Brian?” you asked, giving him a gently nudge with your elbow and receiving a nudge in response as he chuckled, crossing his arms.

Suddenly, Roger was giggling gleefully to himself, playing with a kerchief he’d had around his neck as he seemed extremely amused by it. “Brian,” you thought you’d heard him mumble, and you raised an eyebrow as you watched his snickers intensify, making him squeeze his eyes shut for a moment. He was clearly enjoying something, and you were eager to know what was so funny about what you’d just said.

“Rog, what in the hell are you going on about over there?” Brian asked, doing the dirty work for you as you watched expectantly, Roger’s eyes raising to meet the gazes of both of you.

His cheeks reddened a bit and he nervously let his eyes fall back to his kerchief, fiddling with it. “Nothing, I just thought of something funny.”

“Let’s hear it then,” you encouraged, giving him a smile as he chuckled and glanced at you quickly, giving an almost ashamed smile while he tried to decide whether he should say it or not. He felt anxious, like he was under a microscope suddenly, and he knew that the joke he’d said in his head was cringe-worthy at best. But you looked so insistent and so supportive of him that he finally grumbled and dropped the kerchief to his lap.

“I was laughing because I thought you called him Brine.”

The look on your face faltered as you struggled to comprehend what he was saying. “You thought I called him Brian? Isn’t that his name?”

“No!” Roger whined, Brian cocking his head to the side and making Roger groan as he pressed a hand to his forehead. “I mean, yes, that’s his name! But I thought you called him Brine, like salt water brine, and I laughed because it’s salty and so is Brine. I mean, Brian. Damn it! It’s fucking funny, okay?” He quickly shot up out of his seat, stomping towards the kitchen as you watched, still just as confused as ever, but Brian was laughing.

“You ever notice how much faster he moves when he’s wrong?” Brian noted, and you couldn’t help but laugh as he rose from his seat, following Roger into the kitchen as he refused to pass up an opportunity to keep giving him hell. Today, and only today, Brian seemed to have time to keep up with Roger.

Keeping up with Roger any other day? Now that was a chore. As much as you tried to focus on the sole reason you were here in 1970’s London, you couldn’t help but be intrigued by Roger as an individual. He was an enigma, his motives, knowledge, and way with words completely baffling to you. With people like Brian, it was easy. Brian, although reserved, was very much an intellectual when he spoke, and he always had a sort of predictability to him. Sure, he was a wild man when he’d had a few pints, but not like Roger. Roger was a wild man every single day, and it excited you so much that it simultaneously exhausted you.

You were lulled out of your thoughts by the feeling of the couch sinking down next to you again, and you found that Roger was now seated next to you instead, in the midst of an argument with Brian.

“Brian, you’re just upset because you’re so clearly up your own arse that you can’t understand anyone else’s humor! Get a grip, mate.” Watching Roger, you observed as he glared at the taller man, who sunk down into the chair that Roger had been in just moments ago.

“Or you just have an unrefined sense of humor?” Brian suggested, his voice laced with the slightest bit of animosity as he tried and nearly failed to ignore the “up your arse” comment. When Roger rolled his eyes and began mocking him in a high-pitched, feminine voice, Brian scoffed and looked down at Freddie, who’d been watching the exchange quietly. “What a pathetic display. I’m genuinely ashamed God made me a man.”

“Yeah, well I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either!” Roger spit back, fire practically shooting out of Brian’s eyes as his head whipped up so he was staring at Roger.

“You fucking wanker! You’re just showing off and trying to be all funny because Y/N is here,” Brian accused, his usually gentle hazel eyes brimming with hostility. Your eyes widened at the tension that settled between the two of them, a heavy weight in the air as you desperately looked at Freddie for some help. Freddie just shrugged, though, offering no assistance and pretending to ignore the petty argument as he braided a small section of Mary’s hair.

“Um, should I go?” you asked, pointing at the door as you glanced between Brian and Roger. Obviously, this tiff had something to do with you, and while you had no idea how, you figured it was best for you to just let them figure it out. Rising to your feet, you tugged your pajama shorts down before grabbing your glass of wine and padding off to Roger’s room as Roger yelled at Brian once again.

“Now you’ve done it, you big moron. You’ve scared our roommate out of her own room! God, you’re really something, Brian.”

Snickering at the fiery words, you shook your head and entered Roger’s semi-messy room, crossing over to the window and curling up in one of the two beanbags situated next to it. Tucking your legs underneath you, you sipped your wine and stared out at the twilight sky, a creamy semidarkness to the horizon that framed the city’s buildings. You could just see the outlines of the church across the street, which made you scowl as you imagined your mom’s haggard face, her head leaning back against that damned rocking chair, just sitting there motionlessly. “Fucking prick,” you muttered, the fleeting thought of your father and the two men from the church poisoning your thoughts, a bitter reminder of your current purpose.

“Yeah, Brian can be a bit of a headcase, but he’s alright sometimes.” You jumped as you suddenly heard Roger’s voice behind you, and you turned to look at him as he crossed the room and stood opposite of you, leaning against the window frame..  “Definitely a fucking prick, though.”

“Oh,” you breathed out softly, furrowing your eyebrows as you pushed all of your previous thoughts out. “Yeah, he’s mental. Funny guy, though.”

“Don’t say that,” Roger groaned, giving you a small grin before he looked out the window as well. “Fred wants you back out there. Says he’s got an announcement.”

“I suppose I better bless the room with my presence then, huh?” you teased, Roger chuckling and pulling you to your feet before letting you lead the way. As you exited his room, he tried and failed to ignore the way your pajama shorts were riding up, just revealing the curve of your ass beneath it. Catching his tongue between his teeth, he had a brief ‘Lord help me’ moment before it was ended all too soon by your hand reaching down to tug the shorts back into their original place again.

Following you out to the main room again, Roger resumed his spot on the couch next to you as Deacon chatted with Mary politely, quieting down when he realized everyone was there again. Brian shifted uncomfortably in the chair, avoiding looking at you or Roger as he waited for Freddie, who was now in the kitchen, to speak.

“Now that we’ve decided to take the band more seriously, I figured I should start taking myself more serious now too.” Freddie walked out with an envelope of things, pulling out what looked like a passport and handing it to Brian, then pulling out a few sketches and handing them to Deacon, who marveled at the artwork as Brian looked up at Freddie. There was an amused look on his face, and you listened curiously as they spoke while you sipped your wine.

“Mercury? Like our song?”

“Freddie fucking Mercury. Doesn’t that sound delightful?” You choked on your sip of wine, turning beet red as they all glanced at you. This was news. Freddie Bulsara was actually Freddie Mercury, standing right here in front of you, your roommate and closest friend for two months, and you’d had no idea. “Well, if you didn’t like it dear, you could have just said so!” Freddie laughed, handing you a paper towel so you could wipe the wine off of your nose.

You laughed nervously with him, cleaning yourself up as you stared up at him, still floored at this development. “Just went down the wrong pipe,” you replied quietly, in awe at the living legend who’d just handed you a paper towel because you were a moron who didn’t put two and two together for actual months. If that was Freddie Mercury, then this must be Queen. It had to be Queen.

Your suspicions were confirmed as Deacon handed the sketches over to Roger, who ooh’ed and aah’ed at them as he eyed the details. There was the Queen crest, and you felt dizzy as you realized how blind you’d been all this time. You were casually rooming with two rock legends and you thought you’d just been slumming with a few students that had side gigs as musicians.

“Mercury seems like a bit much, but then again, you are a bit much,” Brian taunted, Freddie tossing a pillow at him as he sat back down again, chuckling.

“Well, as some illustrious person once said, ‘You can tell a lot about a man by his name.’”

“You just made that up, didn’t you?” Brian asked, raising an eyebrow at Freddie, who laughed once again.

“Maybe. But I do stand by it, honest!”

It all made sense now. Your mom had been a huge fan of these guys – you, not so much, for you were admittedly out of touch with the 80’s and 70’s. But you very vaguely knew about them, and of course, the two remaining members were still bigshots as far as your country was concerned. John Deacon, the bass player who’d dropped off the face of the Earth in the 90’s, lounging at the end of the couch. Brian May, the guitar legend who’d once played on top of Buckingham, squinting at Freddie’s passport and turning it in his hands. And next to you, ogling at the newly designed logo for his band, Roger fucking Taylor, a legend as far as drumming was concerned and one hell of a singer from what your mom had said.

You’d never asked him about the band or about the name. You really had thought they’d just been playing in pubs for fun, which at this point, they might very well be. And you’d never been around to hear them practicing or talking about the band – you’d been too busy in your own little world of the café and the church that you hadn’t paid any mind to their musical work. Now, you realized that you very well should have.

“You want to have a look?” Roger suddenly asked, grabbing your attention again as he offered you the papers, which you accepted shakily. It felt like your head was spinning as you stared down at the iconic crest, the two lions that framed the crown and letter Q, which was topped by a crab. Two fairy women stared up at the Q from below, and a phoenix stole the show at the top of it all, encompassing the entire work and bringing it all around into one big individual crest.

“Don’t hog it, I want to see,” Brian complained, and Roger rolled his eyes as you took a deep breath and handed it to Brian, who switched you for the passport. There was Freddie, long hair, clean-shaven face. This was not the iconic Freddie photo you knew. You only knew Freddie from the mustache, from the unique voice. This was a young Freddie, an inexperienced Freddie – this was not the same rock legend that your mom adored back in the present.

Oh, God. “I need some air, I’m getting a bit overheated,” you murmured, handing off the passport to Roger, who glanced at you curiously before looking over the document with Deacon. Excusing yourself, you tiptoed back to Roger’s room and opened the window, leaning out as your heart sank in your chest, heavy with the weight of what you knew.

Freddie Mercury was dead long before you’d even been born. AIDs had prematurely ended his life, his career, and that was something that even you knew. A man you considered to be one of your best friends as of currently would be dead in 20 years, and there was nothing you could do about it. You couldn’t stay here for a whole two decades, monitoring Freddie, keeping him out of harm’s way. Who knew how he’d contracted the horrible disease? It could have been anything at any time. And that killed you inside.

On the other hand, you had to watch yourself. This was literally Queen you were talking about here - if you meddled any more than you currently were, who knows what kind of shit could happen to the band? How big of an impact were you going to have here? Anything you say could alter their path irreversibly. If it was bad enough, you’d have to restart your mission completely, setting you back months in your progress already. God, this is some Butterfly Effect-type shit. I miss Brooklyn 99 and not having an existential crisis every time I make a choice.

“Freddie asked me to bring this to you, I figured you’d be in here again.” Roger’s voice once again interrupted your train of thought, and you sighed as you waved listlessly at the floor next to you, leaving your head resting on your other arm in the window frame. “You alright? You’re not gonna keel over on me, are you? ‘Cause I’d prefer if you bit the big one in Freddie’s room.”

“Fuck off,” you laughed weakly, sliding back into the room and dragging yourself onto one of the bean bags as you picked up the refilled wine glass that he’d brought you. When you looked up at him, he shrugged and took a seat across from you, his legs tangled with yours in the small space. “Sorry for being a party pooper. Just have a lot on my mind, and I’m tired.”

“Well, you are working a lot,” Roger remarked, a worried expression crossing his face as he crossed his arms. He was undeniably gorgeous, even in the dark. The streetlights coming in from the window highlighted his face in a way that made his cheekbones seem even more prominent, his jawline sharper than usual, casting an angular shadow on his neck. Light played around in his eyes, making them paler but just as striking as he observed you with a concerned eye. “Maybe you should take some time off, you’ll catch your death if you don’t relax a bit.”

His words were sinfully calming to you, and you beat yourself up inside as you sipped at your wine glass, tearing your eyes away from his irresistible gaze to look out the window at the now-night sky. “No, I need to focus on work,” you murmured, an uneasy look passing over your face as you avoided his piercing gaze, refusing to falter. You had to focus. Your mom’s livelihood was in your hands. “It’s too important.”

“Are you not important too?” he questioned, making your heart race. You couldn’t help yourself – you met his gaze once more, chewing on your lip as the intimidating stare seemed to try and pick you apart, piece by piece. He was worried about you - this meant he was genuinely attached to you, and that terrified you. But you couldn’t help yourself once again - you had to pry. 

“I don’t know. Am I?”

PT. 1 PT. 2 PT. 3

taglist - @sitonmyhot-seatoflove​​ @crosmopolitan​​ @just-ladyme​​ @rogerfxckingtaylor​​ @fourmisfitz​​ @shae-is-not-ok​​ @moreinfinite​​ @fruityfreddie​​ @poachedhazontoast​​ @strawberryfields-forever​​ @imladrs​​ @psychoticobsession​​ @ladylannisterxo​​ @rebelrebelyourefaceisamess​​ @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen​​ @wanderingsami​​ @stardvstial​​ @iminlovewith-rogers-car​​ @glowungeyes​​

message me/reply to this to be added to the permanent taglist!

EDIT: HI IM SORRY I FUCKED UP THE LAYOUT ON MOBILE I LITERALLY HATE TUMBLR MOBILE WITH MY WHOLE BEING HAHAHAHAA FUCK

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

[it-all-went-wrong]

I Told The Truth

Lottie: Oh shit, I’m so sorry! * I scurried to the small alcove, crouching down beside the now laughing man.  I was trying to hide my smile but the sound was infectious and he brushed me away with a shake of his head as he stood and sat back down on the bench in front of the piano.  He was really, really pretty and that was not anything I needed right now, not in the slightest.*  I’m still sorry.  I’m Charlotte Davis, my  Aunt said you needed a piano player for services but if you’re here, I have no clue why she said that.  You’re really, really good. *The paradise may have been a bit much, but it was honest at least; I wasn’t one to compliment musicians unless I had meant it, I’d seen far too much downfall from that in the past.*

Dec: * To say I had been thrown off my game was an understatement; I’d always been fairly unflappable, another great consequence of being the baby of six, but even I had my moments.  I declined the woman’s attempts at assistance with a laugh, more at myself than anything else, and fiddled with my scarf as I settled back down on the piano bench, my fingers trailing across the keys again*  We actually do, I can’t play during services.  *It was an understatement but felt accurate anyway.*  I’m Declan O’Connor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Davis. Please sit, I’d love to hear you play if you don’t mind? *I wasn’t quite able to get up before she settled beside me, blowing out a long breath before running through a quick set of scales; I could smell the rain that was thundering outside of the windows as she warmed up, and my gaze bounced from her fingers on the keys to her face as she looked at the music open on the stand with a grimace.*  Not a fan of Amazing Grace?

Lottie: I think it’s pandering and overdone, but not the worst there is. * It had been a bit since I’d shared a bench with anyone, and I wasn’t going to complain in this instance, odd as it was.  The piano was old but well-tuned and meticulously cared for; whoever was in charge of the miniature here was very, very good.*  It’s Miss Davis, although my students do the same thing.  It’s Charlotte or Lottie, I’m good with either. *Running through the songs I knew by memory, settling on one that may have been the least appropriate for a church, humming under my breath.* 

Declan:  * Making a  mental note of the young woman’s preferred name, I was about to speak again when she started to play.  The song was familiar of course, it was something of a modern classic, although perhaps one that shouldn’t be played in a church. I think, when it came to music, He would be forgiving as long as the intent wasn’t to cause any malice. And really, she was a beautiful player so I couldn’t, and wouldn’t complain.  I could just barely hear her humming along under her breath, the words familiar after giving numerous covers and endless repetitions of the original. The slight hesitancy to sing had intrigued me and I  paused for the briefest of moments before I started singing along, keeping time with my heel.* It goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah….

Lottie:   *It took a lot to surprise me, it really did, especially when it came to singers but holy shit. Declan was good.  Like…really fucking good, like I’d been on Broadway with people who couldn’t sing like that good. I’d missed a few notes fawning like a goddamn idiot, and forced myself to focus, chiming in on the second verse.* Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you… * It was almost organic, in a strange sense, and I hadn’t found myself lost in music like that in a long, long time. It was easy, and almost weirdly instinctive, to harmonize as the song continued and when it finally came to the crescendo at the end, and the last note finally died off in the air, I stilled my hands and closed my eyes, ignoring the goosebumps that had popped up on my arms.  There were moments, for me anyway, where music, truly good, pure, HONEST music, played or sung for no other reason that the utter joy of it, was better than any high that I could have ever experienced; this moment, as the silence slowly fell in in old church smack in the middle of nowhere, Georgia, was one of them. Swallowing heavily, I gave a tiny laugh, opening my eyes and glancing at Declan.  The tips of his ears were read and it was endearing as all hell.* Well shit, Dec. You can play piano, sing LIKE THAT, and you’re pretty hot. That begs the question of what exactly are you doing HERE? 

Dec: *If I was a man who believed that God actually looked down on music, and even judged us on it, I might have held back but, he has created all of us in his image, and that includes musicians.  It had been a very long time since I had considered myself one, at this point, I was a Priest first, as it should be, but that love, the fact that I did have what I considered a gift from Him, wasn’t something that I was ever ashamed of, although I didn’t indulge in singing much outside of my car and mass.  It wasn’t until after the last note had died off, drifting and then disappearing into the vast expanse of the sanctuary, that I came back to myself, such as it was. Miss Davis’s words, and her blatant assessment that held something more than she said, had me shaking my head with a laugh as I realized she had absolutely no clue who I was but then again, I hadn’t exactly told her either. * Thank you, that’s very kind on all counts. And I’m here because it’s where I was sent. *Shifting slightly, I unwound my scarf to reveal the stiff collar at my throat.*  I go where I am needed, and Father Matthew, bless his soul, passed not long ago. Someone at the archdiocese in Boston knew someone here and well… *I trailed off with a shrug and glanced over at Miss Davis who looked a bit startled, her cheeks pink.* Sorry, I forgot about the scarf and just assume people know. 

Lottie: You’re a priest?  You’re a legit priest and I’m not being like… punked, right? *Running my hands through my tangled hair, I give a resigned laugh even as my face warmed as Declan- FATHER Declan- shook his head with a smile..* You’re a priest and I just told you that you're hot. It’s true, by the way, but oh my god. The day was going so well too. *I couldn't help but laugh, a longstanding nervous habit, and glanced at Father Declan out of the corner if my eye. He was smiling.*

Dec: I'm an actual priest, yes, you're not being punked, I assure you. And you did, which I'll take as a compliment, thank you. *I couldn't help but smile, despite myself; vanity and pride were not normally in my wheelhouse, but I was human and it was nice to hear, I couldn't deny that no matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn't lie, even to myself and so I changed the topic easily.* It can still be a good day, Miss Davis. I promise I won't hold it against you. Now that we've got all of that out of the way, we still need a pianist until Edna is able to recover from her injury. Would you be interested? We can't pay you, but I can promise all of the mediocre coffee and breakfast casserole you could want.*It was a genuine offer, and one that I could always make; there was a sense of community within my small congregation, and the after-service coffee and refreshments always brought a delightful spread, only some of it questionable, as well as whispers of gossip that I tried my best to tune out.* What do you say, Miss Davis? 

Lottie: Well, with an offer like that, how can I refuse? *I couldn't help but laugh, playing a brief snippet of a U2 song and earning a chuckle.* As long as you don't have a problem with an atheist sitting in on your service and there is cream and sugar for that coffee, you've got yourself a deal, Father. *The words were accompanied with an offered hand for a shake and it was granted with a grin.*

Dec: I'll even throw in some flavored creamer and a homily about Charlie Brown just for your heathen soul. *I didn't often get the opportunity to joke, many of the members of my church were older and held clergy in high and somber esteem, and so the easy conversation was more than slightly welcome. Sifting through the selection of sheet music, I pulled out the selection for tomorrow's services and handed them over. Outside the sound of the rain lightened against the windows just a bit, and I stole a glance past the stained glass.*  I don't want to take up too much of your day and it sounds like the storm is easing up a bit if you wanted to try and stay a bit drier. 

Lottie: *Accepting the music with a smile, I follow Father Declan's gaze and wrinkle my nose.* I think Im already in that mess, but Im sure you have important duties to finish before tomorrow. *Gathering up the music and tucking it under my coat, I give a smile.* I'm gonna hold you to that Charlie Brown, Father. *Giving a small wave, I head back down the aisle and out into the rain, flashing back to my car  as the skies opened once again, just as I closed the door. Cranking the stereo, I scrolled through Spotify unto Leonard Choen's voice filled the car, and I sang along the whole way home.* 

[saras-almanac]

In my earlier post I mentioned different theories as to why IM had chosen this pregnancy route as a storyline and how they could have done this better. There’s three main ones that I keep seeing and I just wanted to put some thoughts about them down. I know that they are entitled to do what they want to do, but as a person literally going to school for a masters in fiction and screen-writing, I cannot believe that a room full of paid professionals came up with this and was like, Yeah that’s the best we can do. It just baffles me beyond reason. That’s just my little disclaimer so feel free to read on if you’d like. (It’s accidentally almost 3k. See why I had to cut it from my last post?)

Reason One: Splitting Aaron and Robert up

Literally any other reason would have worked. We all know their MO by now:  they argue and break up and then get back together (usually when something dramatic happens). Split them up when Aaron and Robert got into the argument while Aaron was in prison. Robert just doesn’t go back to visit again. I mean, it would give them the Robert’s a massive dick angle they clearly love. It might also give some interesting dynamics after the fact of them trying to find their way back to each other.

Have Aaron self-destructing out of prison and trying to deal with his trauma on his own. He pushes Robert away and things just fall apart. It would suck to watch Aaron go through more misery, but they love that too. Also it would make sure that all he suffered in prison was actually for a reason and not just magically wiped away because Jason is sad?? (That was a ridiculous coda if ever there was one) Maybe he’s still an addict when he comes out of prison and has to go through that whole storyline. He can’t quite handle the torture he went through in prison at the hands of Jason and is suffering a form of PTSD that he keeps snapping at Robert over while not actually telling him anything. Aaron could call their relationship off because he’s tired of Robert constantly nagging at him while Robert’s totally confused because Aaron’s been off since coming out but not actually telling him anything. This could lead to misery for both of them, lots of counselling and work on Aaron’s part, and potentially this ridiculous Robert’s scheming at Home Farm again plot they clearly wanted.

Or my personal favorite, Aaron feels like he doesn’t belong anymore because life went on without him and he can’t cope. Aaron kicks Robert out because he can’t handle the fact that Robert has sort of “replaced” him in terms of Liv. Aaron hasn’t been great at accepting Robert’s help in regards to Liv all the time. I mean, just before he went to prison he said that she was Aaron’s problem and his responsibility. Imagine that Aaron comes home and is confused and a bit insecure about the fact that Robert seems to be more of a father-figure to Liv who she comes to for money and help because Robert’s helped her and was there for her and made sure that she had a tutor. Not to mention the house, their home, is completely finished and Aaron didn’t have a say in so it doesn’t feel like his home and it’s just another reminder of how he doesn’t fit with Robert and Liv anymore. This one might be a bit of a stretch and harder to work through but it could have been some lasting drama of sorts.

But yeah, if their main goal was to split Aaron and Robert up, they could have picked any number of other reasons to get there. Especially with their communication problems.

Reason Two: Robert becoming a father

I’ve seen quotes about this idea that they only wanted to get Rebecca pregnant because it would have been a great way for Robert to deal with his own issues with his dad.

Um, what about Liv? He’s already opened up to her briefly about his dad; he at least told her about his father’s funeral. It would have been such an interesting way to explore his issues with his dad and trying to figure out how to parent just like him and not like him at the same time with a child that’s not his. Especially since Aaron knows at least parts of what happened between Robert and his father. The insecurity and rivalry with Andy could sort of be worked out through dealing and parenting Liv. And just imagine the insecurity she’s probably going to feel if Aaron and Robert ever decide to have kids of their own. I mean, can’t you just picture the conversation between Liv and Robert about how Liv’s not really their kid but like don’t forget me and she says it jokingly but Robert thinks back to feeling second best and the insecurity that his father was stuck with Robert but chose Andy and how Liv might be feeling the same way and then it leads to a heart-to-heart between them.

Another way to show Robert dealing with his issues is having him try to get closer to Sarah and especially Jack. Since the village seems to love throwing his lack of caring at Robert whenever the plot demands it even though I don’t think anyone on the Dingle side even seems to remember who the father of the kids are—Have we even seen Vic or Diane with those kids? Definitely not recently. This storyline would bring so much into it:  Robert’s issues with Andy and trying to really put that behind him and be there for his kids the way Andy would want to if he could have been there; probably dealing with his feelings about his father because Andy even got to name his son after Jack so there’s literally nothing left of Jack for Robert to even have now except the constant reminders of Jack’s disappointment; constantly dealing with the Dingle put-downs about how he’s not good enough for Aaron; dealing with the questions about why he wants to get involved now and how these kids are Dingles and he’s like technically they’re Sugdens too and I just want to have a better relationship with my niece and nephew.

Or use Noah as a substitute. I refuse to believe that these two have not kept in contact. I mean, Robert threatened him and then took care of him while his mother went away with Chas and I just can’t imagine Noah not being like this guy is awesome. (That might just be my own love of Robert blinding me, though) And then maybe Robert helps Noah with some of the bullies he’s facing or with his homework or something. Just giving Noah a place to stay since Charity seems to not have any desire anymore to remember that she even has him.

Imagine the tension any of these situations could have caused if Aaron and Robert were broken up? I mean, Liv feeling like she’s stuck in the middle but feeling like Robert’s the only one she can actually talk to about certain stuff because she doesn’t want to put that all on Aaron and Robert assuring her that no matter what’s happening between him and Aaron he’ll always be there for them if they need him.

And Chas and Charity and Cain giving Robert a hard time about just trying win Aaron back by spending some time with his niece and nephew. Imagine this leading Robert and Debbie to come to some sort of loan agreement that no one else knows about in her currently storyline and it doesn’t come out until later that Robert’s the one who lent her the money and helped her out and people are shocked because Robert’s “one true love” is money and he never misses an opportunity to brag about stuff like that and lord it over people but he’s like I just wanted to help the mother of my niece and nephew because he’s actually trying and people got so mad at him for his investment money and he realized he hadn’t been a huge part of their lives through both his own fault and the Dingles a bit.

Or just imagine Charity’s reaction to Noah hanging out with Robert and he gives her a bit of “It’s not like you’re ever there for him anymore” a la his chats with Paddy.

There’s just so much untapped potential between Robert and already existing characters they could have done this fatherly Robert storyline with. There are ways to be parental without having a biological child.

Reason Three: Getting Robert involved with the Whites (for their exit)

First of all, why? Why does he need to be involved in this at all? You know what would have been fucking amazing? If we watched the Whites going down in flames (or gunshots, whatever) and things are just going to hell and after whatever happens happens, there’s Robert sitting in that smug way of his at Home Farm. Or going to talk to Lawrence’s grave, Chrissie, and Lachlan who I assume will be in prison if he is the person who shoots people, and tells them about how Home Farm is in great hands now and it’s the idea that Robert just swooped in and stole it right from under their nose. Or he’s working with a third party to offer to buy out the company and at the last second it’s revealed to be Robert. The idea of Robert being like, you are all so incompetent I didn’t even have to do anything but wait and watch it burn because Lawrence is so desperate for it to be in family hands that he doesn’t seem to care that his family doesn’t seem to know what they’re doing. (Apart from Chrissie who is amazing and I love her.)

That’s the storyline I would have loved to have seen if Robert has to be involved in Home Farm any more. Why the drugging of Lawrence at all? I mean, we still don’t actually know his end goal here. I can assume that it’s to gain control of Home Farm because it’s what he always does when his life goes to hell, but does he want to own the company? Does he want to be co-owners? Is it against Lawrence? Rebecca? All of them? For how they treated Robert before? Or because of their involvement in his break-up form Aaron? I might be able to buy more into this storyline if I actually knew why Robert was plotting up there and I didn’t have to just pick a reason for myself.

For a change of pace, they could have had Lawrence approach Robert for help and maybe he’s trying it on with Robert because Ronnie left and Robert’s debating going for that hat trick. (What a trash son but I love him.) Or Lawrence realizes that he needs help and as much as he hates it knows that Robert is a good businessman. It turns into this really awkward affair because no one actually likes each other but Lawrence is giving Robert a chunk of the company and we get actual clarification that Robert is the reason Home Farm was doing as well as it was. That Robert truly was the person behind their success. And Lawrence hates to admit it, but he just doesn’t think that Lachlan can manage on his own. And if he splits up the company between himself, Rebecca and Robert—Lachlan getting Lawrence’s shares when Lawrence truly retires/dies—then the White family will still have hold over the company. (At least until Robert convinces Rebecca that this isn’t what she even wants to be doing and eventually buys her share of the company but in a less I’m drugging your father sort of way.)

Or better yet, Chrissie goes to ask for Robert’s help and it’s the return of their relationship, sort of. But the way they wind each other up and hate that they’re impressed with each other would be so much fun to watch especially if Chrissie is leaving. I mean, Chrissie comes to Robert because she doesn’t want to be involved with her dad right now and begs him to help the company because she knows how much it means to him—or assumes it means something to him—and Rebecca clearly has no brain anymore for some reason and her dad’s a mess and she just doesn’t want to see it end this way. This could be so great for them both to get some closure on their relationship—especially between Aaron and Chrissie. There was never really a conversation between them and I think it would have been great to see and this strange almost fight for Robert even though Chrissie doesn’t want him anymore the insecurity she might be feeling is something Aaron might be able to relate to. (Hell, they should have exploited this dynamic for this garbage broken up storyline. Especially since Robert cheated on Aaron he now knows what it feels like a bit.)

Or if you’re pairing him with Chrissie, what if they’re both working together to sell Home Farm? Chrissie is still angry with her dad for lying to her and she doesn’t really want to hurt him but also doesn’t think it’s fair that Rebecca and Lawrence should reap the benefits of all Chrissie and Robert’s hard work. So she approaches Robert and tells him that she has an offer for him, her only rule is that he cannot own the company at the end and he agrees because he doesn’t actually want it but any chance to take Lawrence and the Whites down a bit is a nice ego boost for him. Especially with Chrissie on his side and we’re reminded again as to how much of a power couple Robert and Chrissie are because they can do so much damage together. It would also be interesting to bring in the tenuous relationship between Chrissie and Rebecca and Chrissie getting answers as to why Robert slept with her and he admits that he only asked her to come back to help clear Andy’s name. It would just be really interesting to see them working together and getting closure, especially if Chrissie’s leaving. Actually give her something to do.

I’m sure there are others but those are the ones I keep seeing the most.

This entire storyline is so exhausting because there’s no real answer as to why they’re doing this storyline. Right now, this entire storyline feels like a way for Aaron to work on himself and his own mental health (though completely off screen) and the Whites leaving. That’s it. It doesn’t feel like a real story for Robert and it definitely isn’t a story for or about Rebecca. I just… don’t understand the point of going this route if that’s all they were trying to do with it. Perhaps I’m completely wrong here and that’s entirely possible, but watching the episodes lately, that’s all that’s coming across to me.

As much as I want a Robert breakdown so the show is forced to deal with Robert in a real way and not a panto villain sort of way, I also don’t feel like they’ve earned it right now. The same goes for a Rebecca was lying/conning Robert the whole time twist. The reason twists like that work is because your audience is invested in the situation you’ve created, not just waiting (and praying) for the moment it’s over.

One day I’ll stop writing so much about Emmerdale and having it invading my thoughts, but today is not that day.