YOU — “No. There is still a chance.”
DOLORES DEI — “You think so?” Her voice is weary.
EMPATHY — Everything about her is weary. She is the Innocence of weariness, of heroically borne suffering.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — That is the picture you have painted for yourself, at any rate.
YOU — “You looked back. That’s the memory, the moment, that I can’t stop returning to. You looked back. I had a chance, for just that moment…”
DOLORES DEI — She meets your eye, gaze still forever cast back over her shoulder. Time stops. The stars are stilled, the ocean silent. There is *nothing* beyond this memory. Nothing at all. All of infinity is contained in this single moment when anything and everything was possible.
“Oh, Harry…” She sighs, soft as eiderdown. “We never had any chance.”
And just like that, the wave of time collapses under its own weight, obliterating everything. This moment was six years ago. She is gone from here. Gone, gone…
PAIN THRESHOLD — You cannot leave. There was nothing outside of this moment, and now there is nothing at all. It’s all gone. There is no point. I’m sorry. I can’t do this any longer.
VOLITION — Please, don’t say that…
“Okay. Well, fuck me, then.”
“How would *you* know?! You gave up! You didn’t even try!”
“We *must* have had a chance, at some point… Doesn’t everyone get a chance, if nothing more?”
“How could you say that…?”
DOLORES DEI — “Because it’s true,” she says, matter-of-fact. “There is no moment in time that you can turn back to, no branching paths, no infinity. There is only what happened. I looked back… and then away.” She closes her eyes, turning her back to you.
“The moment ended. *We* ended. That is all.”
SHIVERS — A wave crashes against an unseen shore, ocean spray tickling the back of your neck. You shiver, but no one shivers with you. You are alone in this intersection. Why are you here?
“Why can’t *I* end?! Why can’t this all just stop? Please, make it stop…”
“Ended? I’ve barely even started! I got a chance to start completely over as somebody new! I don’t need you anymore! You’re just dead weight to me now.”
“No. That wasn’t the real ending. We’re a part of something so much bigger than this intersection, telling a story that encapsulates all of history! There’s *more* to this, it *means* something.”
“Then… What am I supposed to do now…?”
DOLORES DEI — “No, Harry.” She turns back to you again now, and she looks… sad.
“We were not metaphors. We were people. Our narrative was not intelligently designed. It simply followed the patterns of history, because those are the only patterns we *know.* We tried to create something new, but we failed. There is no narrative reward for our failure, no satisfactory ending. There is only the immutable past and the unknowable future.”
RHETORIC — There is no assurance of what is good or deserved or what may bring relief. There is no assurance of punishment, either. There is no assurance of anything. Not even of a future. I don’t know what to say to make this bearable.
VOLITION — Even so… As long as you live, *something* is promised. Can you live with that?
I can’t, I just can’t do this anymore…
I can. It’s enough.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I can at least try for a little longer…
VOLITION — That’s all I ask. That’s enough.
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What's the storyline for your ocs?
nerdy straight A middle school student katherine quin and her pals realize that their government sucks ass and b/c they are impassioned naive youth, entangle themselves in a state of affairs that will stay w/them for the rest of their lives
more under the cut b/c i wrote a lot more than i thought i would kasfjksdfjksfj (i have big feelings abt this story)
i (officially) made the story when i was 14! all the characters are based off me and my experience 2 some extent (especially katherine i mean i made her bi, biracial, gave her a mole, made her like indie games etc). originally the story was going 2 have a happy ending, but as ive grown i have more of an appreciation for....well endings that are not so happy. im thinking i change it. it would make sense w/what happens in it anyway (the story of revolution is not as happy and triumphant as 11 year old me imagined when i first acted this out w/my brother. honestly like ive changed the story entirely 2 be my own but i still gotta thank my bro cuz the orig storyline that inspired it when we played legos 2gether was a conjoined effort and i borrowed many of the characters)! as im drafting it now, the story is not particularly happy lol
the story tells a sort of generational loop that katherine goes thru? if that makes sense? i wont go too much in depth b/c spoilers but its a story of history repeating itself again and again and the endless loops pain and suffering cause and how people are scared/too comfortable/too angry to change the cycle. i think that katherine being a history nerd in the midst of watching history unfold again before her very eyes grants her a certain point of view other characters dont have (except a few who have lived experiences). although this awareness will come later in the story when she's older
it will also touch on something young folks feel 2day where ppl frequently ask, "why is this happening today? havent we progressed?" and katherine will ponder that herself (although the situations that happen in the story are strictly to the story ajsfsjfd i cant talk abt and link real life tragedies it would be too much for me). and i think that as she gets older in the story and gains knowledge and wisdom from what she goes thru, she'll hafta bear this horrifying knowledge that the sands of time dont just erode the past, but the present and future as well.
i was not expecting 2 write this much KJSFKJSDJFKSJDF
anyway! i care this story a lot. its like my childhood and has grown with me as ive aged. im really compelled to make it the best it can be and i get a lot of imposter syndrome b/c i know the ideas i have and the story itself as a whole is good, but im worried my execution will fall flat. idk its kept me from moving forward w/it or talking abt it for years.
tldr; two can basically be summed up by this image:
are things going 2 get better? can they get better? questions i think about as i write and think thru this story.
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i keep thinking about it and i really think the way Junebug finds out Guz likes them (because I'm an overthinking goober) is a drunk confession from him 😭
he probably gets really wasted one evening celebrating some sort of win for team skull and I'm sitting in another room where it's quiet and I'm doing something like reading or drawing, and he comes stumbling in because he misses me even though it's only been like less than an hour since he last saw me, and WAIT this is turning into an actual writing thing okay um uh - (1k words on the dot comin atcha)
Junebug looks up from their berry studies, grinning when they see what a mess Guzma is. "How're you doing there? You look a little rough around the edges," they tease, setting their book aside.
The man's face twists into a sloppy grin and he chuckles. "Nah, nah, nah, m'fine, m'fine. Jus' missed you, wanted to see ya...." He makes his (slightly stumbling) way over to the desk Juno's sitting at, before slumping down to the floor and leaning back against one of the trainer's legs. "Missed ya soooo much, missed seein' your face."
The face in question is now bright red, and Juno twists their head around to shield it from Guzma's gaze. "Sorry if I left too early, I just-"
"Nah, nah, not'n issue. Jus' like seein' your face. Havin' ya around." He leans back and sighs happily. "Makes me feel warm inside."
Face aflame, Juno sits for a moment, lost for words. "Oh, uh, I'm... glad I can... do that for you." He's not implying anything extra. You're just friends. This isn't anything other than a good friendship. Juno repeats this over and over in their head as Guzma settles even more heavily against them, leaning his whole weight against their leg now. Juno pulls themself together, the weight grounding them. "Guz, you're gonna knock us both over if you keep leaning on me like this. Here, let's adjust if you're going to hang out for a bit, okay? If you want to talk that's fine, but otherwise I'm just going to keep working on my studies here."
Guzma groans as he sits up, and Juno moves onto the floor over to the wall behind the desk.
Patting the floor beside them, they say, "Come over here, okay? Just don't crush the leaves in this bag; I'm sketching them out right now."
With another groan, he shuffles himself over to sit against the wall, before grabbing the bag Juno had held up from their lap. "S'bunch'a leaves?" he slurs out.
"Berry plant leaves," clarifies Juno. "I'm drawing them for some notes I have." They point to one of them, brushing against Guzma's hand as they do so, and say, "These one's are from the Oran plant; I brought them from home to compare with any I find here."
With a smile, Guzma grasps Juno's hand with his, carefully setting the bag down so he can bring that hand to trace the outlines of their fingers. Juno feels their face grow hot again, and they look away to the right. "Your hands are so small..." he muses, sounding almost awed.
Juno stays quiet, but turns their head back to look over at him again.
"I like your hands," he says decidedly. "Like 'em a lot." He looks up at them suddenly, a shy grin stretched across his face. "I like you a lot, too, the whole you. Every piece of ya. Nothin' I don't like." He raises a hand to place against their face. "Y'so pretty... 'n' small... like one'a my bugs..."
They can't help but laugh at that, and he laughs too, feeling them shake with mirth under his hand. "Your bugs are pretty?" Juno asks with a disbelieving smile.
"Not prettier than you. You're the prettiest bug around."
Juno laughs again, shaking their head and pulling away from him. "Guz, you're so drunk right now."
Guzma shakes his head, placing a firm but gentle hand on their face to turn it back to his. "Nahhh, I'm - ... well yeah, I'm pretty fuckin' wasted right now, I know that, I know." He laughs before continuing, "But I also know I like ya a lot an' I'm happy I'm finally tellin' ya. You really are the prettiest goddamn bug I ever saw, a little Junebug, and I'm so fuckin' glad I caught ya out in the forest that day or else the best goddamn thing in my life woulda passed me right on by!" He stares at their eyes earnestly, trying to convey just how real this all is for him.
As he talks, Juno's face softens, their eyebrows creasing up. "I'm glad I'm here, yeah," they say, pausing. They look down, opening their mouth to say more, glancing back up at Guzma's face, and then look back down as they shut their mouth again.
"Junebuuug," he says pleadingly. "You're holdin' out on me here, what're y'thinkin'?"
They shake their head, biting at their lip nervously.
He sighs. "Aight, aight, m'not gonna push ya. Lemme just sit here for a bit an' then I'll get outta your hair." He lets go of their face and leans back against the wall with another sigh. "Meant what I said though."
After a couple minutes of silence, interspersed by pencil scratches against paper, Juno finally asks quietly, "Which part?"
Guzma rolls his head around to look at them. "Huh?"
"Which part did you mean?"
He scratches the side of his nose. "Which part did I - oh, oh, wait, I gotcha. Am I really that drunk or did it just take ya forever for you to say anything?" He chuckles, slinging a hand over to shake their knee.
"Sorry, I was jus-"
"Don't worry about it, I'm just fuckin' with ya. You make it too easy!" He turns his body to face them properly and plants a heavy hand on their arm, still obviously drunk. "M'gonna say it again for you, really spell it out, aight?"
Juno bites at the inside of their cheek, looking up at him to meet his eyes, hands fidgeting.
He glances down to see that, and smiles, taking their hands in his. "I like you, Juno. An' I think you're a real goddamn catch. And I want you to stay here as long as you can, maybe forever, but I like ya and I like having you around." He pauses, searching for the right words in his alcohol-addled brain. "An' I'd give up a shit ton if it meant you'd be mine, y'know? I like ya a whole fuckin' lot."
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