#im doing the fandom one too but it might be for december so i dont actually die (so its paracember for me)

[movedunused-account]

paraVEMBER

1 - stanley

call me a tune cus i be looney

[princeanxious]

Hi! I was wondering about your Lost Guardian au from ages ago, do you think you’ll ever plan on updating it and if not, could someone else take up the fic?

So heres the thing. If someone wants to write a fic *inspired* by The Lost Guardian, i’m not gonna stop them, and i’d probably feel super honored so long as the inspiration was correctly credited!

As for ‘taking up the fic,’ the short answer is no.

I have active drafts and the rest of the story already planned out to its finish, notes, even a branch-off fic set post-story that will likely go up on my nsfw blog if i ever get around to editing it. The Lost Guardian hasn’t been abandoned, it’s simply on hiatus. (And yes, i recognize 3 almost 4 years so far is a really fucking long hiatus. The Chapter 9 draft doc was made in december of 2020, and last edited in July 2022)

I started writing that fic whilst still in highschool, a time where I was 17 and didnt have to worry yet about getting my license or maintaining a part time job, i had an over abundance of freetime even partially to my detriment, the fandom was booming and I had plenty of feedback, and this fic was (and still *is*) a story im proud of.

But i’m 22 now, working a full time job to pay rent and account for a number of minor ‘disabilities’(best word i have for them atm) that I cant ignore or push to the side nor treat poorly, from the lasting effects on my body of stunted growth to celiac/glutent intolerance to adhere to that directly determines how easily my body functions for the week, to dealing with glasses i cannot afford to break and taking care of teeth i cannot afford to fix, taking care of my mental health and using the free time i have to do what brings me the most joy at that time.

The sanders sides fandom has heavily quieted down with the season finale hiatus and I’d like to think I did pretty well for going six long years dedicated solely to that without cracking under the silence, because *I knew* when I caved to something else it’d be a long while before I had the drive to come back with any sort of resolution to my active works. Thats just how my hyper fixations work. I cannot focus on multiple at once, it’s too much to process simultaneously and takes away my enjoyment bc I tend to watch/consume things repeatedly to catch every little detail i missed. And it doesn’t help when one loses steam because their content barely breaks 100 notes(80% of which are likes, 15% are reblogs with the occasional comment, and 5% are self-reblogs) when back in the height of it all, a few thousand notes was pretty average interaction. This blog still has about 11.5k followers, almost all of which came from the height of the fandom period. So for now i’ve moved onto the FNAF DCA fandom, bc it is fresh and new to me.

I know you didn’t mean to poke the bear here, I get it, but like.. C’mon. Any other fic of mine likely wouldn’t have gotten the same reaction in full but, still. I’ve had to answer this question a handful of times over the years at the point, which might be why this response feels so charged, and i’m sorry.

I don’t mean to come off as snippy or rude, but it *is* kind of invasive to offer to finish one’s creative work when it’s taking too long and theres very little payback for it. I’ve got adhd, delayed satisfaction isn’t a thing I experience. Just guilt that it wasn’t finished in a way for me to post it in time before I broke and lost all motivation to share it.

In my head, TLG has been long finished and held the ending for years, theres just been no energy to put in the effort of finish writing it for others to read. I’m still trying to get my life together to change that, don’t get me wrong, but the American economy is literally in shambles so who knows how or even if i’ll manage that. Call me selfish for being content with only mentally having my creative story’s ending and a collection of rambles and notes to show for it, but at the end of the day, it’s still my story, and i dont feel comfortable with people trying to ‘take up the mantle’ to finish it, when they don’t know how it ends.

I’m glad you like it enough to want to, though, I really *really* am. I’m just sorry I haven’t been able to finish it for you all. And i just don’t know when that will be, I just know that I *want* to do so, however long it takes.

[freebooter4ever]

Are the lines on your drawings stylistic choices or are they measurement/guiding lines? Either way, they are cool, but just wondered. I dont understand drawing at all, might as well be a magic spell to me. I was looking at the pencil (?) sketch of Malkin with the cheesecutter hat on.

i, uh, definitely did not google 'cheesecutter hat' until after i saved out these images. :/ sorry about that. if you'd like the other one broken down, i can do that too lol. my reading comprehension when im tired is kinda lazy i just saw 'cheese' and imediately thought 'omelette'. SO here's the 1) initial sketch, 2) 'clean' sketch, and 3) final lines for the omelette boy drawing instead:

also i have had a cumulative of about 9 ish hrs of sleep total for the past two days so keep that in mind for if this explanation makes no sense, its not my fault. :( anyway! the way i draw definitely has changed over the years but currently im really trying to focus on the line i "see" rather than the one that is actually "there". i've been applying this to my writing for years (story vs happening truth) and you know it never occurred to me that i could do it in my drawings too till like...a few years ago. in general these lines seem to form the planes of the subject. if you google 'stanford bunny' you can find an easy example of a 3D surface turned into triangles. I do this too - see things in relative triangle proportions, except i've been doing it long before i knew how computers worked. i cant begin to tell you how long d*sney and cartooning's obsession with round building blocks of anatomical structure fucked with my brain until i finally decided i could cast that teaching aside completely.

ANYWAY sorry off subject again. so we have these sketchy under lines, and usually as im trying to find the proportions and form of the subject these lines end up being where the light/shadow hits. here i saved out the 1) 'flat colors', 2) the 'light', and 3) the 'shadow' parts on their own (i lightened the background for the 'shadow' so its easier to see):

the light is like four or five 'overlay' layers of pale yellow/orange. you can see how each of these layers follow one of those sketchy lines i did initially. and the same with the shadow but instead its a dark red color set to 'multiply' for each layer. and when you combine everything together you get:

some bullshit :). anyway you know that anniversary edition of beauty and the beast that featured the version previewed to nyc audiences in 1990 with the glen ke*ne sketchy keyframe animation of the beast's transformation? i watched that - must have been sometime after i graduated college - and i felt robbed that THAT version was never presented as a final piece. the 'unclean' drawings had so much more life and movement and intensity to them. tldr i like the messy lines, i hate 'inking' with a passion (HATE. IT.), and when i finally allowed myself to stop giving a fuck drawing became way more interesting. but my art is shit and i will never be glen k*ane so i dont really feel like the best advocate for this "style". alas. there was this one artist on tumblr who i fucking loved whose sketches were SPECTACULAR but the asshole racists in the m*c*ha*nz*o fandom bullied her off tumblr and ive never been able to find her art anywhere else since. she was also very negative about her 'unclean' sketches and it made me so sad. there was also this other artist whose sketches were awe inspiring but all she drew was p*rn and well...we all know what happened on tumblr in december 2018.

also i 100% stole the lighting scheme from The Bear which is currently one of the most gorgeous shows on television right now in my opinion

im really really sorry if this makes no sense, if im feeling motivated maybe i'll try again when my brain is fully functioning but with the actual 'cheesecutter hat' doodle ^_^

[scarfacemarston]

hey, im sorry if this is a bit random, but i was wondering if you happen to know some good western/cowboy books to read? I know this isnt what your blog is about, but since youre so well read about the time period these types of stories are set in, i was thinking you might know some good literature about it. A lot of the books i keep seeing pop up in people's lists seem pretty heavy with the casual misogny, or the lists themselves are called "best western novels for men" as if thats not a genre that already heavily centers and caters to mens stories, or come from sites like theartofmanliness which i just cant take seriously for obvious reasons. You seem a lot more like the type of person i would take recommendations from for reading material than a middle aged white dude writing from his "man cave" who votes republican. It doesnt strictly have to be fiction, historical memoirs would also be good!

If you feel you dont have any recommendations for me, its cool i know this isnt what you blog about. Thank you for all the hard work you have done for this fandom, for providing historical context about the time period the games are set in, and for always sticking up for abigail, youre doing the lords work in the hellish landscape that is sometimes the rdr2 fandom (not here so much, mainly reddit and youtube from my experience). Thnx

Hey! Thanks for the ask. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I haven't read a book for fun since I started graduate school in 2019. Not a single book. Reading so many textbooks, academic books and articles just made me too exhausted to read anything for fun. ( I plan on catching up on reading lists once I graduate! Hopefully, this December or April, depending on my final thesis. I can try to do some research for you, if you'd like! I find that female authors can be really disappointing as well. They can be just as flowery and unrealistic as well as misogynistic. I'm honored that you'd come to me and trust me with recommendations. Truly touching that I've become someone that you can rely on. I really wish I could help more off the top of my head, I just have been too stressed to read for fun. I'm sorry. I can try to do some research! One thing I had to do while working on state parks was recommend books to read, both fiction and non fiction and I had no idea about those books. I just researched them, so I can try to do the same for you! I actually have 45 out of 100 pages done so I'm trying to fit in more fun things to do since I have momentum. : ) Let me see what I can do! No guarantees, though. EDIT: I see you mentioned historical memoirs! I think I have a few of those!

[irkenheretic]

🌻 another one

i wish in the state of this fandom i could post Literally Whatever i want but lets b real this fandom does NOT reward originality and. i have a couple unpublished fics (youve seen them dw) that i WANT to post but i really like them and. if they get zero reception i might not end up liking them as much so i guess i. wont do that.

its like. i work 4 days a week and so if i wanna write i gotta spend one of my days off doing it and like.... why 😩 why am i doing this 😩 and it seems like i WONT be ready by The Release Date (i wanna have a 20 chapter fic and maybe some of the next one done by then, which means i have to write like. a chapter a day to meet the deadline. which ISNT GONNA HAPPEN esp since im focusing on christmas rn. i rly shouldve remembered christmas exists when i said january... i forgot id be busy during december so i wouldnt rly be able to work) but idk when to push the release date back TO. september seems WAY too far away but it WOULD give me some time to make sure the early stuff meets my standards of quality AND if i stop being a little pussy bitch and start posting oc content i can still garner interest b4 the actual release date like. i can draw now why dont i post. my drawings.

also this is completely unrelated but i saw someone on tiktok tattoo a single freckle on the base of her thumb as a joke (yk so ppl will be confused when she tells them she has a tattoo) and its rly funny cuz i have a natural freckle on the base of my thumb just chillin

[cyber-plush]

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･masterpost (for mobile)!:

about me!: my name is bailey or kit. I'm bigender, catvesi, and use any pronouns! I also have AuDHD. I am 18! But please never request NSFW content from me. I've been drawing for at least 10 years at this point. My favorite MLP character is Party Favor! I use Clip Studio Paint EX and a Wacom One to draw :P tag navigation: #sleepy scribbles - my art (december 2022-current)/ #art - my art (2018-december 2022) #blah blah blah - textposting/robotxt - old textpost tag #random fandom - any fandom that isnt mlp on my blogs #happy things - comfort reblogs or other things that make me happy :)

request rules: these are the rules for sending in requests! 1) Request anyone from any fandom I post about! 2) I only draw canon characters or popular fan characters (eg., flufflepuff.) if you want me to draw your oc, look into my commissions ! 3) I will draw ships, but none involving underaged, incest, or make a wish characters are allowed. 4) No NSFW or kink, Period. do not try to trick me into drawing your kink. I am incredibly uncomfortable with that. 5) Please don't request pinkiejack/applepie. its ok if u ship them but i consider them to be family so im uncomfortable with that. 6) I have the right to not do any request im not comfortable with!

byf + dni: byf: I dont swear too often if i can help it, but sometimes it might happen! I might draw pastel/cartoon gore in the future- properly tagged of course- but watch out if that bothers you please don't interact inappropriately dni: transphobes, homophobes, etc, the usual anti-neopronouns, transmed/truscum under 13 nsfw/sh/ed blogs proshippers or MAPs idk im not that strict just please dont be weird

Hope you enjoy my blog!! Find me basically anywhere else under @/cyberplush

[woos-sweaterpaws]

i want to get to know you so do 1-50 (except 29) 🌻

This is really really sweet of you anon thank u!!

__________________________________________

1. how many pillows do you sleep with?

I have 6 in my bed rn

and over 20 plushies

its never enough

2. do you believe in soulmates?

yes i do

3. would you ever kiss a stranger?

yes but not if its like total-never-spoke-to-them stranger

4. describe your dream house

i would prefer not a house but a nice penthouse-loft-apartment in a big city with a nice view and big windows

interior would be minimalistic style with light wood and a big double sized bed for me (since i dont think i will have a partner lol)

i would love an apartment with multiple floors or like a half-floor for the bedroom

5. do you usually use cash or card?

card

6. do you enjoy driving in general?

i hate it with a burning passion

7. do you like your name? if not, what would you change your name to?

i dont HATE my name

there are better/prettier ones but i think mine fits me

i would still like a more international name (since mine is kinda weird in the english speaking world) but  i dont have smth specific in mind

8. what’s your favorite cuisine?

italian ~

9. how often do you get massages?

i dont o.o i got some a few years ago because my back is fucked but otherwise never

10. do you play video games? if so, what games?

generally chill games like animal crossing, stardew valley and such, the big nintendo titles like mario kart and zelda, binding of isaac

11. do you prefer to color with colored pencils, crayons, or markers?

colored pencils!

12. what other fandoms are you in?

oh boy

okay so apart from all of kpop and thai dramas im in

skam

aftg

hp

trc

the mentioned video games if you wanna count that as fandoms

im probably forgetting a ton rn

13. do you have a signature in your style/everyday outfits?

if its comfy i like it

usually involves hoodies or boys shirts

i prefer if i dont have to worry about showing skin somewhere i dont want to

14. do you have any pets? if not, do you want some in the future?

no i dont have any atm but i had bunnies, birds and a guniea pig before. and yes i want cats when i move out

15. do you give objects you own a name? (car, house, plants, etc)

i named my cactus but it died (plants hate me) i also name all my plushies and random animals on the street

16. do you like the weather where you live?

its okay yea. summers are not too hot but i wish the winters were cold enough for snow :(

17. if you could wear one color for the rest of your life, what would it be?

black! its generally my comfort color in clothes

18. do you like making small talk?

WHO tf likes smalltalk? no!

19. what’s your favorite social media platform?

tumblr 100%

20. have you ever been to hawaii?

no :(

21. name a fashion trend that you absolutely hate

no offence but crop tops

i dont hate them they look good on you guys

but i hate that i cant find hoodies and shirts in womans sections anymore that arent cropped (ive been searching the past 6 months and everytime i like smth its cropped - i especially hated that when looking for oversized hoodies)

i dont wear them myself because cold so it sucks not finding cute clothes

i also fundamentally disagree with mustard-yellow

22. name a fashion trend that you absolutely love

oversized hoodies with ripped jeans and boots was my winter favourite

23. what was the last text you sent?

“okay” in out family groupchat lol

24. when making plans, do you like to organize or go with the flow when the time comes?

i like it to be organized but not be the one who actually organizes it if that makes sense?

25. what do you want to name your future kids?

i dont want kids but i wanna name my cats mochi and (c)leo (depending on gender)

26. do you have a type?

with looks i generally prefer darker hair with pretty eyes but if im comfortable with u it doesnt matter

if u like cuddling, are patient and gentle and love to make jokes that arent funny i probably like u lots

27. when was the last time you kissed someone?

like...kissed kissed? in grade 7 so...2012? my first and last kiss lol

28. how often do you cook?

as often as necessary, as little as possible (i cant really cook except for pasta and stuff so im mostly living of instant meals and “cut up a lot of things and put it in a pan until its browned” kinda stuff)

30. do you always remember your dreams?

no i dont

i had a dream diary once but that was a disaster

31. do you believe in ghosts?

yea kinda

i believe in invisible spirits/souls living with us yea

32. would you ever want to move outside of your country?

sometimes? im too scared to actually do it but there are many nice cities i would love to live in

33. describe your first love

well idk about love...it was always more of an obsession kinda thing and it was never a two-way-thing so i never had a real first love...

34. more peanut butter or more jelly?

i hate peanuts so no pb and only jelly (or nutella if you love me)

35. do your irls know about your tumblr account?

they know i have a tumblr but only my best friend actually follows me (and a high school friend i lost contact to)

my other friends dont have tumblr so they dont care

36. do you prefer hot or cold beverages?

cold!

37. when was the last time you finished a book?

i reread the aftg series last december for the 4th time

38. what would you want your wedding colors to be?

green-white? like a soft bright pastel green? maybe add pastel pink too

39. how long do you let your nails grow?

if i can see them clearly from the inside of my hand i cut them

40. if you could stay at a certain age, what age would you pick?

probably 19 or 7 theres no in between

41. who do you think has it easiest: older siblings or younger siblings?

older siblings because they learn responsibility earlier

i dont have siblings tho so idk

42. how often do you post on social media?

on tumblr daily, on insta never, on twitter occasionally if fun stuff happens

43. do you enjoy big groups?

nope

44. do you like it when you’re awaken by the sounds of birds chirping?

its better than my alarm but waaay too early so nope

45. which hand is your favorite?

left?

46. how many people do you follow?

1152 (yes i might have a problem)

47. how many followers do you have?

359 on my main and 27 on my fandom side account

48. how many drafts do you have?

53 but i use it to save posts i find interesting or that contain links i might need later

49. do you hang or fold your sweaters?

hang because im lazy and it saves space on the clothes dryer rack

50. even numbers or odd?

odd!

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/rant

im really not great at the moment. i want to put out more fic and things, but I don’t want to burnout and fuck myself over. I have requests to get into, yet I just can’t get into writing anything besides short drabbles. I also wouldn’t call myself mentally stable at the moment. One second, I’m fine, but the next I’m just tunneling again and I hate it. I don’t tell anyone how I feel about anything because I don’t want them to worry. That ends up with me bottling up all of my feelings, and I also invalidate my feelings. I tell myself that I shouldn’t be complaining because I have this or that, and at least I can do this or that. Yes, that’s true, but I shouldn’t let it get to this point. I absolutely hate myself and I wish I wasn’t like this. I think I’m fat, I hate my feet (and how big they are), I hate my hair,(because I wish it would grow some) I hate my fucking skin discoloration, and I can’t do anything about it. People say “oh just practice self love” BUT I PHYSICALLY CANT DO THAT BECAUSE I HATE THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO LIE TO MYSELF TO BELIEVE SOMETHING. Writing feelings down doesn’t help, whatsoever because I think it’s pathetic that I can’t get my ass up and talk to someone about how I’m feeling like a normal fucking person. I hate the fact that I have too much anxiety, and can’t have regular thoughts without something awful coming after it. I wish I could take jokes, and understand why people play punch people like a normal person, but instead I get offended by literally everything. I don’t let other people touch me, I have to touch them, but in reality, I really want to them to be there because it means they care abut me. I think it’s foolish that I think people don’t care about me when they clearly do. I feel like I accidentally offend people, then hate myself because I might be causing them distress and I’m really not. I can’t share my own opinions with my family because my dad thinks being gay isnt in god’s light, my brother makes jokes about trans people, and my mom thinks gay people should “fit in with the rest of us and not be as obvious”. I hate the fact that I’m not a normal fucking straight kid who doesn’t have anxiety and overthinks, writes about characters on the internet. I sometimes just wish I wasn’t this much of a person because there’s so many things pointed against me from the beginning, but I just had to fuck up and admit to some more. My fucking boyfriend broke up with me last sunday and said he still loves me, but he isnt ready for a relationship which I totally understand, but I feel so fucking messed up about it. Are there rules for this shit? I can’t hear a plane without having dread course through my system, I think everything is loud, wven if it’s not. I hate the fact that I’m sensitive because how the fuck am I supposed to do things if I don’t understand things everyone does. I don’t even want to think about school because I DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM DECEMBER. and we have state tests coming up in april and im completely lost, and dont know what to do. I stick out so fucking much, why do I have to talk differently and dress differently. like different things than everyone else, listen to different things?? I feel like an outsider in my own fucking race because of the things I like and I fucking hate it. I hate myself for every single thing I do, and I can’t even be happy with my own fucking heritage. I have to fucking change and be different. I’m constantly upset, and if I’m not, I’m thinking about when I’m going to be upset next. I feel so out of place everywhere and I don’t know what to do about it. Every fucking fandom I’m in, I feel like the only black person, only black girl, I feel LIKE SHIT ABOUT IT.  Why can’t I just like regular things for kdis my age? I’m younger than everyone on here, my brain is fucked up, I JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE. And I know suicide isn’t going to fix anything because everyone’ll be sad that I’m gone and everything. I just feel so fucked up and lost. I lost two friends because I was too fucking blind to see the signs of it being toxic (me being part of it) and I hate myself for it. I can never keep friends, and the ones I have, I can’t even fucking see them. And it’s my fault, I can’t keep friends because I can’t take certain things, or be a certain way. I can’t fucking take jokes (even if theyre racist ones and i shouldn’t take them but i hate myself for it anyway) It seems every time something seems to be on the uptick, life has to punch me in the gut and go “fuck you” and I’m back at square one. And I just can’t get a break long enough to unpack all of this. I’m so tired of all this. I need help.

[smallblueboyscout]

NAME : Leo NICKNAME :   Leo  FACECLAIM :   It varies between Sleepy Ash, Leo, and Vanitas, tho i might do a shift because Kuro is my muse and we have a leo and i dont wanna confuse people PRONOUNS :   it varies. ill keep yall posted HEIGHT :  No BIRTHDAY : December 5th AESTHETIC :  Pink and blue. Specifically those soft rose pinks, the rose quartz lookin pink. Like the stone rose quartz, not the character rose quartz, tho her pink is about what im talking about. And either dark ass blue or like, soft soft soft blue.  LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO : Deathly Loneliness Attacks. It’s a big mood for me. I’ve also been listening to My R, because it’s also a mood. FAVORITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : Jon, Licht (I CANT HELP IT. HES SO DAMN FUNNY), and Yamanbagiri Kunihiro 

         * GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE :

^^;;; I really only took him on because someone had reserved Damian so I was like “fuck it, I’ll app Jon!”. He outlived my damian muse and has weirdly become popular. Seriously what is wrong with you people?? Why??? i don’t understand....

WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVORITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  

His kindness tbh. He wanted to protect people when he was a small child. He’s been through more than some people know and he still doesn’t want to turn a blind eye to ANYONE suffering. He’ll take bullets for bad guys who just got done kicking his ass, even when he doesn’t have his powers to protect him. 

His priorities. In Adventures of the Supersons, Jon is kidnapped and dragged far from home and across space. You know why he was mad?? Because it was ruining his summer. I love this kid. He’s such a kid! He’s a hero, yeah, But he’s ten. All he wanted was to train and have fun and become the best crime fighting duo with Robin and the “gang” ruined it. He was livid they got in the way of his summer plans.

And honestly??  He was an easy character to me. I could understand him, I can write him, I read through his series without having to read 32 separate comics to understand him. Sure I probably still need to read a few more featuring him, but what I have read is easy enough for me to understand.

WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING :

My mood, my partner’s reply, general stuff like that. If I’ve reread the thing, it probably makes my muse a tad stronger for a bit, but. Shrugs.

FAVORITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS :

Fluff. For the longest time in the homestuck fandom, it was angst all the time, and drama. It was too much. I’ve gotten into an argument with Ash about it once or twice because all he wanted to do was angst. it used to not be a problem, but after the Homestuck RPC, it was almost unbearable. That isn’t to say I don’t mind angst, but I prefer to be talked to ahead of time, because it can stress me out quickly. 

BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :

My insecurity for one. It’s gonna sound silly but I worry often that because there’s only like 3 Jon muses, that people only interact with me because they want a Jon, any Jon will do. I’m no expert on DC. I’ve never actually read a DC comic until I decided to make Jon’s blog. I also worry about my sentence structure being too like... choppy?? But I don’t know how to improve. I’m just, a ball of insecurity and paranoia. I try to keep it from getting in the way of my replies, but it’s there. 

My in general real life stuff. My medication makes it hard to focus a lot, work gives me long hours and the customers are a nightmare that can kill any mood quickly. I’ve considered bringing my laptop to work so I can do some replies during lunch but I have no where to put it and I don’t trust people not to steal it. I also get really tired despite the insomnia and can fall asleep a lot earlier than I want. I never sleep for long, though. 

Really, because of these things, I’m always so grateful for people sticking with me and tolerating my slow ass and my forgetfulness and stuff, ya know? For whatever reason, yall have decided Jon is the most popular muse I write, and I have more threads for him than any other muse, and it’s... shocking. I’ve never been so warmly welcomed before or popular. I know this isn’t the spot for it but I wanted to end this with a small thank you to everyone I’ve interacted with and anyone who’s even wanted to plot with me. It means more than you know.

Tagged by: Stole it from @pseudcsuper

Tagging: idk man steal it from me??

[sweetestt-devottionn]

Hug Me

AN: This was inspired by a fic that i read before hope u enjoy it! sorry for any grammar mistakes english isn’t my first language, i’m open to criticism tho:)

==========

It seems like yesterday I was happy with nothing. Today, I make a wish to the moon. I told her if I can see you once again, I'll do one last dance with you to this song.

To remember you forever,

Just one last dance...

==========

Have you ever heard the word 'breathless'?

It has different meaning of its own if you put it in different use. One could describe the meaning of extreme surprise where you just froze in your spot, mouth hung agape as you look at the most precious thing in you possession in awe.

It truly was a wonderful description to appreciate such blessings.

Yet, in another meaning, one that you make sense of literally, has such a different effect, with a stark contrast between light and darkness, akin of a nightmare in the middle of a day dream.

==========

Breathless

[breth-lis]

1. without breath or breathing with difficulty; gasping; panting:

2. dead; lifeless.

==========

Everything happened so fast. One moment she was just standing there in her comfy clothes, casually washing the dishes then the next moment. She saw her lying on the floor as the plate she was holding dropped and shattered against the hard wood floor. It might be just at the spur of the moment, where she exists and everything fell apart. She was rooted to the spot, head staying on the same spot her love used to stand just moments ago. Slowly, but surely everything came rushing back, like a river current overcoming any hindrance. Her hands were shaking when she finally got control of her body.

"LISA!" She screamed then, heart gripped with the panic brewing inside her at seeing her lover so frail, surrounded with the broken glass scattered around her body. She was shaken with pity that at such a tragic misery her love was still attention's sweet centre. Painted was the tragically beautiful story of their journey, started with her world brushed with dark muddy colours.

“oh mygod ohmygod,”

Jisoo swore she never ran so fast in her life.

In the blink of an eye, she was holding her lover's head on her lap as her fingers fumbled with her phone, the trembling digits struggling to call 9-1-1.

"I need your help please... She fainted....I-" That was the last thing Lisa heard as the black spots on her vision finally swallowed her whole. When the last sigh left her lips, her body became slack.

And that,

was the night everything changed.

==========

The trip to the hospital was not one on her favourite list of trips but, at seeing her lover sudden decline of health, she wondered just how long it would take for the ambulance to reach the hospital. She sighed over and over again as she held Lisa’s hand close and kissed each of her knuckles.

She choked back a sob as her eyes welled with tears and the state Lisa was in. Oxygen mask covered her face, and somehow in the span of minutes she had only just noticed how pale and gaunt her love actually is, a drastic difference to her usually fair and healthy body. She cursed herself, hating the fact that she had failed to see the symptoms that might have had explained the ongoing situation.

“I’m sorry baby, I should have looked after you better and stayed home more, fuck I’m- I’m fucking sorry I shouldn’t have I-,” Her speech was cut off due to the sob threatening to burst out.

“pl-please just wake u-up please…”

It may seem unusual for those close to her but,

She prayed that night.

To whatever gods there are out there, she just hoped they’d listened.

When the sound of cars honking filled her hearing and the pounding of her heart reverberated throughout her body, she closed her lids tightly. Lips mouthing an inaudible prayer as tears welled in her eyes. She held her lover's hand a little tighter, yet somehow, she still refused to cry.

‘Me and my pride’ she muses.

She refrained herself to believe anything but her lover being okay again.

She had to be okay..

She just had to...

==========

The short trip to the hospital turned out to be a long one. The seconds and the minutes turned into hours as she waited outside the ER. She paced back and forth for she knew that there was something wrong, though she refused to believe it. Realising she might have to tell Chaeyoung, she steeled herself against the obvious thunderstorm and pressed call.

It doesn’t take long for the said best friend/ sister to pick up, and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was somehow her fault when the first hello filtered through the phone.

“Jisoo unnie? Are you there?”

“Umm… Chaeng, I-I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what just happened I-“

“Unnie? Please calm down, what happened? Is Lisa okay?”

“She-“

“She’s just been admitted to the hospital, Chaeyoung-ah…”

“WHAT?! JENNIE WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

“Chaeng- I..” She tried to say when the phone beeps, indicating the end of the call.

They came 15 minutes after she hang up their call, appearance so dishevelled some might think they’re some kind of a hobo.

“Is she okay?” Jennie asked as Chaeyoung was currently feeling too wrecked to even function.

“I- I don’t know , Jen.. One minute she was standing and the next she was suddenly on the floor unconscious.” She explained as her hands swung wildly in her manic.

Jennie said nothing but pulled Jisoo into a tight hug in which she immediately melt into, followed by Chaeyoung as the three of them relied on each other for the comfort they badly needed at the moment.

Their million questions were finally answered another hour later. In midst of her mini panic, the doctor handling Lisa's case came out of the room and approached her jittery self.

"I'm sorry...”

That was all Jisoo needed to hear to know that, she was not okay, her lover never was. She knew, Lisa knew that she didn't have much time left and yet, she still smiled and act that bubbly personality of hers. Always unyielding, always without flaw, not even once.

A gasp was heard, yet she couldn’t care less.

Jisoo pondered, just when did Lisa became such a good liar?

"I hate you so much..." She sobbed as her back slid against the white hospital wall. Its horror and constant dullness that painted her peripheral stayed unflinching. Leaving her, to fend for herself after the heart wrenching news that might just destroyed every good thing she had left in her life.

‘such a tragic life of a dreamer’’Such a pity’

I wonder Lisa,

I do wonder...

==========

Jisoo spent a restless night back at home. She laid on her side of the bed and took in the unusual coldness of her own personal sanctuary. Her stare resided on the empty right side of her bed. The golden sparks in her eyes had faded hours ago, only the remnants of it stayed. It had turned tedious brown in its departure.

She breathed deep, trying to remember her scent. Truth to be told, it had been hard for her to leave her love alone on the hospital bed, but she was not one to defy doctor's order. Though she really gave the nurses a run for their money when they need to forcefully dragged her away from her lover's limp body.

She decided then, she should have fought against their grasps harder, for Lisa was worth every struggle.

Every. Single. One.

==========

Days passed in a blur after the news. It was broadcasted on their social media accounts that they will be taking a long hiatus with the reasons unknown. It sure did cause an uproar in their fandom with their seemingly abrupt disappearance but in the end they couldn’t do anything but to accept their idols’ decision.

Realising the ticking time that was eating away her love’s life, Jisoo brought her everywhere her heart wished for. Her heart clenched every time she saw Lisa's face light up when she brought her to places she had never been before, knowing any moment now could be her last.

She smiled bitterly at that. Her time was limited and she was fucking desperate for any kind of miracle. She prayed every night, for something, anything, to happen.

Because she would give it all just for her to be okay again. That way, they would be able to do the future they had planned out together. In their future, they would be living in a 2 storey mansion with Dalgomie, Leo, Luca and 4 kids running around the house. They would grow old together, wasting their time watching the sunset every evening with a warm cup of tea.

Fate always said otherwise, because the one time she actually found someone who loved her for her. They took her away from Jisoo.

Even sometimes, love was not enough...

==========

It was another cold evening on the midst of December. The couple was snuggling on the couch just enjoying each other's warmth. Jennie and Chaeyoung were out, buying food for their dinner. No words were spoken, though the comfortable silence of the empty dorm was broken when Lisa called out to Jisoo.

"Jisoo?" Lisa asked quietly, head laying slack against Jisoo's chest.

"Hmm?" She responded, hand moving to stroke Lisa's hair gently.

"Can we sing right now?"

Her hand stilled from her movement as she looked down at her. Usually, Jisoo would have laughed at the random request but the look on Lisa's face, left her stunned. Absentmindedly, Jisoo started to sing one of her favourite song, Long Live.

It really was ironic.

"I said remember this moment

In the back of my mind...” She started, voice wavering a bit.

She was shaken out of her reverie when Lisa suddenly sat up and started pulling at her hands, urging her to stand with her.

“The time we stood with our shaking hands

The crowds in stands went wild

We were the kings and the queens

And they read off our names

The night you danced like you knew our lives

Would never be the same ..."

At this point, they were both dancing around in their apartment, not caring about what would happen in the future. Live in the now they said.

“You held your head like a hero...”

Lisa sang, voice sounding off key but none of them care anyways. She crossed her arms and posed as superman pretending to be showing her ‘spectacular biceps’ that had become bony and last muscular over the past few months. She nodded her head at Jisoo cueing at her to sing the next lines.

"On a history book page

It was the end of a decade

But the start of an age..."

Jisoo stayed quiet and instead, she only looked at her funnily. Lisa had no choice but to continue singing with a grumpy voice.

"Come on CHICHU!! I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE... SING WITH ME!!" She held out her hand between them as if to share the microphone for the both of them.

"Long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered...”

This time Jisoo did join the fun, screaming with her lover as they belted out the lyrics. They might just sound like dying whale and the neighbours would surely filled out a noise complaint but seriously, they could careless right now. No headlines, no media, no worries. Just Jisoo and Lisa singing off key in their penthouse apartment.

"I said remember this feeling

I passed the pictures around

Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines

Wishing for right now..."

Lisa continued as she looked at Jisoo and pulled on a funny face, successfully bringing a long overdue smile on her girlfriend's face.

"We are the kings and the queens

You traded your baseball cap for a crown..."

Jisoo gestured to Lisa's head as if to put on an imaginary crown on her. Lisa smiled at the gesture and did an over exaggerated curtsy before standing up straight to urged Jisoo to keep singing as she swayed from left to right, doing some weird dancing of her own.

"When they gave us our trophies

And we held them up for our town

And the cynics were outraged

Screaming, "This is absurd"

'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world..."

Jisoo belted the lyrics as she knelt on the floor like a rock star. Lisa was having the time of her life as she rolled down on the floor laughing her ass off.

"Love live the wall we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders..." Jisoo sang loudly.

I'm not afraid," Lisa continued with a big grin on her face.

"Long live all the mountains we move

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered

Hold on to spinning around

Confetti falls to the ground

May these memories break our fall..."

Jisoo actually sang beautifully this time, giving it her all as she pour her heart for their impromptu Lichu-karaoke session. As she opened her mouth to sing the next stanza, Lisa had already beaten her to it.

"Will you take a moment,

promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye..."

Lisa sang the lines softly to Jisoo as she put her hand over her heart as tears welled in her eyes.

"If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures,

Please tell them my name..."

Her voice cracked as she sang it, knowing the reality of it all. Jisoo rushed to comfort her but one hand motion from Lisa and another plea of "I'm okay," left her with no choice but to continue the song.

"Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life, with you...”

Jisoo presented Lisa with a teary smile as she pointed her fingers at her. She furiously wiped her tears away, and when she belted the next line, she was determined to end this in a good note.

All smiles no frowns.

"Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

I'm not afraid..." She sang as she put on a brave face and a salute at Lisa, getting a smile out in return. Jisoo gave her a signal and they sang the last lines together.

"Singing long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face

And bring on all the pretenders

One day, we will be remembered..."

They finished the song quickly and enveloped each other in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down their faces.

"Long live us...” Jisoo whispered against her head.

"Long live you...” She added with a smile, before pressing a light kiss on Lisa’s forehead.

You will be remembered...

==========

Lisa did last longer than expected as she somehow managed to get past through her birthday and Jisoo's. Though another incident might have barraged their way at her.

On the morning after Jisoo's birthday, Lisa had stupidly fell off her bed. But that, was not the problem. It was the excruciating pain that followed after that. She swore she had never screamed so loud in her life.

Hearing her screams, Jisoo bolted upstairs towards their shared bedroom. Fingers fumbling with her phone ready to call 9-1-1.

This was giving her a sense of déjà vu. Added with the fact that in dire times like this, Jennie and Chaeng always seemed to be away at an important meeting with their management, leaving Jisoo alone to deal with a crying Lisa.

Seeing her Lisa laying helplessly on the floor, screaming her head off, Jisoo panic level accelerate to 100 real quick. She knelt down beside the whimpering girl and wafted her hand through her hair, while whispering sweet nothings to soothe her pain.

"You're gonna be okay, baby.."

You will,

You have to...

==========

"She fell the wrong way, Chaeyoung. I've said this to you a million times. Why won't you believe me?" Jisoo hissed at Chaeyoung as they walked down the hospital halls to Lisa's room. She was being prepped for immediate surgery because apparently her stupid fall could possibly cause paralysis. Stupid bed and stupid floor, she had said.

"Wow unnie , Okay I believe you, but seriously you need to chill. You're basically on fire right now.." Chaeyoung tread carefully, afraid to get Jisoo madder than she already was.

"You're dealing with this better than I ever was Chaeng. How are you okay with her dying?" She ranted, frustrated.

"I'm not, and I never will be okay with her dying, so don't even try to say that. But, do you know what makes me strong unnie? It was her wish. She personally told me that she wanted her last days to be full of smiles, not tears; not frowns. So I tried, I really tried my best every day to keep the smile on my face, to keep the happy thoughts on my head as if she wasn't dying. I had to respect her wish. I had to, unnie..." Chaeyoung confessed as she blinked rapidly to avoid the tears from falling, knowing Lisa would caught up with her act once she saw a faint tear marks on her face.

"I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ah, I-I didn't know,"

"It's okay unnie, please just trust me on this. You need to respect her wish too okay?"

"All smiles?"

"All smiles."

==========

It had not been great.

Lisa was paralysed from the waist down. But she had not reacted poorly. She had taken a moment of silence after the news, both her lover and best friends looking at her expectantly, gauging her reaction. What happened next was not expected by the both of them.

With a defeated sigh, Lisa had looked back up towards the doctor and asked a simple question.

"Can I go back home now?"

The meaning behind her words were clear, she didn't want to talk about it and it was to be expected. Yet, that split moment when she looked at Jisoo at the word 'home', really messed with Chaeyoung's emotion. She had lived, knowing that her best friend and sister had found her home. A place for her to belong, yet, it was wretched from her grasp just after she found it.

Home…

Lost.

==========

Today was the day the two brotp? finally get to hang out. Though, Jennie realised she should have done this sooner. She had immediately became fast friends with Lisa after their first meeting with each other during their trainee days. She had said, the only reason they got along so well was because their ‘stupid aegyo tendencies and annoyingly cute gummy smiles ’ cheers to Jennie for that. She knew her gummy smiles are valuable winning weapon. So to speak, with their fast growing friendship and what not, this news had truly affected Jennie deeply.

They were strolling around the central park, not a lot of people were in sight which was a plus to the both of them.

"Jennie, if you didn't stop thinking, smoke might came out of your head any time now," Lisa suddenly said, causing her to pause in her movement.

"Shut it Manoban, or do I have to hit you to do so?" Jennie clapped back at her best friend who now appeared offended. She put a dramatic hand over her chest and said.

"Really? You'll hit a cripple? WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?"

"Where yours are?" Jennie sassed.

"Shit, let me call Satan. He has them. Along with my list of fucks I do not give."

"Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL SHE'S ANNOYING ME," Jennie was all but shout.

"Watch it Nini or I'll tell Chaengie about your behaviour."

"You are such a tattle-teller, you b*tch. You disgust me," Jennie said in her best Kim-Kardashian-accent as she flipped her hair to get her point across.

"My energy should not be wasted talking to you, move along please I need to get my ice cream," Lisa commanded from her wheelchair bossily.

"You're lucky you're cute or else I would've left you somewhere," Jennie complained as she grudgingly started to push the wheelchair to the ice cream shop.

==========

Miracles do happen, sadly it didn't always last.

==========

Lisa knew her time was coming, knowing she had outlived the doctor's predictions; this was bound to happen anytime soon. It was a little after the New Year. She was being woken up, with severe chest pains. She screamed which immediately woke Jisoo up.

"Lisa baby, what's wrong?" She asked soothingly, trying to keep the panic from her voice.

Jisoo didn't get an answer from Lisa except for her occasional whimpers which caused her to curl further into herself, hoping to make the pain stop.

She knew her time was coming,

But she sure as heck was not ready for it.

==========

Lisa was hooked to a ventilator that night, her lungs had failed her and she didn't expect any less. Seeing her lover so fragile against the hospital bed, Jisoo made a beeline to the chair beside the bed and held her sleeping hand tightly.

She leaned her head closer to the bed and rests it at the edge of the pillow. It might have been an uncomfortable position but she wanted to, she need, to remember her.

I don't want to forget...

Right before she continued her restless slumber, Jisoo hummed sotto voce. She sang a song very dear to her as a prayer, and God, she did hope Lisa would listen close in her slumber.

“Please stay by my side,

Please stay with me..

Please don't let go of me, the one who's holding your hand...

I love you,

I love you...

In the long silence, a sound comes, screaming

From my foolish and weak heart..."

==========

The goodbye was the hardest.

==========

Lisa was looking at Jisoo as best as she could through her half lidded eyes. She could she the hudled figures of her best friends standing on the other side of her hospital bed. God, she was so tired, and she had long accepted her fate. She stared at Jisoo with any adoration she could muster and smiled weakly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She suddenly said, breaking Jisoo out of her trance.

"I want to remember you."

"Don't do this to yourself baby, please"

"I- I can't Lice, please I can't forget you. I don't want you to go. I LOVE YOU! Why is that not enough?" She sobbed as she desperately cling to her hospital gown to discard any possible distance between the two of them.

"It doesn't matter if I'm not physically beside you, unnie. Please don't cry, love, I'll look after you from the sky. You won't forget me because I'm here with you. I stayed in your heart. I'll visit you in your dreams, there you can relinquish all your joys and sorrows to me. You'll remember me, just like the way my heart will call out to you in the after life..."

"I love you, Lice. I'd give it all just for one more day with you..."

"Don't dwell- on your sadness please, all smiles, okay?" Lisa had to stop in between words to catch her breath as her lungs started failing on her.

“Unnie, if it is time for me to go, can you take care of Jisoo unnie for me?”

Lisa never said it to anyone  in particular neither Jennie or Chaeyoung, but the message was clear. They responded with a tight squeeze on her arm and a teary smile.

Their last moments together were spent with Jisoo brushing the remnants of Lisa hazel brown hair, as they enjoyed the silence that sang lullabies for those in passing. It wasn’t long when the silence was broken by none other than Lisa.

"Can I get one last kiss before I go to sleep, Chu?"

“Anything for you love,” Jisoo smiled a bittersweet smile through her red eyes and puffy cheeks before leaning in as they lips met in passion.

So desperately, trying to make it a kiss, one could remember forever.

"Sing for me please, Chichu…" Lisa whispered her last wish. She moved her body a little bit as she sagged against the hospital bed, eyes fluttering close.

"Hallelujah,

You were an angel in the shape of my love

When I fell down you'll be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go...

And when God takes you back,

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home."

Jisoo wait until her breathing became no more, before she stopped. With one last cold kiss to the lips, Jisoo muttered her prayer against her skin.

"In peace may you leave the shore;

In love may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travel," Jisoo finished and wipe her tears away. She leaned her face closer to Lisa's and mumbled against her lips.

"May we meet again, Lisa..."

==========

It was nothing special, another day, another time, another dawn. They recalled that time when a young Lisa Manoban swore that when she died she would do it in such honour, with lots of people crying for her.

They had laughed it off then, saying that she wasn’t even close to a hero or a president. It was a stupid dream to begin with.

Lalisa Manoban didn’t die in such great honour, she didn’t die with the sound of trumpet and manmade tears marring people’s face as they pretend to show empathy to the fallen grace.

She died, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, with 3 of the brightest stars in her life, and I guessed for her,

It was more than enough.

==========

"One last kiss to a cold lips, to seal the prayer."

==========

[clandestinian]

oh boy here we go

my thoughts on klance at the moment

currently im neither optimistic nor pessimistic, hopefully you’ll see why lol

lets start out with the main thing thats keeping me from going all out klance: theres been word of an animator/writer (i cant find the post for the life of me ugh) who tweeted vaguely about how a lot of people might be disappointed by s8, vld wasnt able to do everything they wanted with the show because they didnt get greenlighted, a lot of things might not add up bc of that, its not the directors’ faults

on the bright side, i dont really understand how the same studio that produced she-ra could not greenlight voltron lmao but on the dark side,, its a scary option that seems entirely too possible based on how things have been going with a//urance.

a//urance SHOULDNT happen. it would harm both characters and ruin both of their big arcs. however, because of this tweet and because of the blushing at the end of s7, im a little concerned.

alright, the last main bit of pessimism concerns just how little time there is left for serious romantic development. to go from a halfhearted rivalry to romance in one season with so many other arcs to finish up? seems tricky. trickier still if we take into account the inevitable Final Battle scene which will take 2 eps at least. (ugh!)

however...

what developement we’ve had between them is undeniably building up to something! why would k+l have all these scenes learning to trust eachother, be kind to eachother, and be genuine, only be tossed away without conclusion? we will get klance interaction in s8, even if only to wrap that up. but that brings us to, well, everything else. the obvious parallels between keith and allura, the “lance wont get what he wants, but what he needs”, all the foreshadowing with the Feud! and the lion switching? again, there’s WAY too much here for it to all be nothing!

let’s not forget that lance and keith choosing eachother in the feud was VERY symbolic. according to LM, the feud essentially tested their bond as paladins and as friends. what better way than to have every paladin pick someone else and no two happen to pick eachother? oh wait, keith and lance did. and its not just by accident either. if the writers wanted to, they could have had no two pick eachother. do the math(heh), it works. but k+l picked eachother. and, they were the only two to do so. this could have easily been an opportunity for allurance, but instead, we got klance. hmm.

also, dont think that just because shiro’s “the” lgbt+ rep, doesnt mean he’s the only one.

honestly, it would actually be pretty smart not to give hints of either lance or keith being lgbt+ as the success of the show pretty much rides on the klance fandom (its true) and it would be kind of a buzzkill if it was hinted about early. i was reading a different meta earlier, and it spoke about how the writers are pretty sneaky, and gave lots of examples on how they switched things on you without you expecting them.

concerning things being hinted about early, we’ve had close to no hype about s8. we had the teaser trailer, but almost nothing else. zilch. and, considering my pessimistic point on how hard it would be to have klance flourish in this limited amount of time (klance would have to be a major focus of the season in order for it to successfully work!) maybe there’s a reason they aren’t (or can’t!) give us any new teaser information.

also, note that a lot of my pessimistic points stemmed from that one post, which honestly could just be a fan trying to get a rise out of people, and probably is. i guess we’ll all find out december 14th :)

[endwalkr]

this is an ask based thingy but im really in the mood to infodump so im just gonna answer them all under the cut !

Favorite video game?

starting off with the absolute hardest question huh? i can’t possibly name ONE favorite game of mine because i adore my favorites for many different reasons. my overall favorite video game is ffxv or botw. ffxv because it has brought me so much joy for such a long time, and because i have such a connection with the characters. botw because i was actually in the fandom when it first got announced in 2016 so i got to be there when the hype was at an all time high– and finally being able to play the game after waiting for so long was an unforgettable experience. i have more favorite games but ill talk more about them in the ‘’special place in ur heart’’ question.

First console you owned?

my first console wasn’t a console. my friend and i used to play on her nintendo dsi all the time and at one point tiny little me reeeally wanted one of my own so i saved up and got one in [redacted] when i was 7. my first actual console was a wii though, we got that around the same time.

A game that holds a special place in your heart?

ffxv and botw mean the absolute world to me, but super mario galaxy and skyward sword are very important to me too. skyward sword is the game that got me into zelda which got me into anime which got me into final fantasy etc etc etc.  super mario galaxy was the first non-mini game collection and more adventure story-ish game i played. i was so proud when i beat it for the first time and mario was my first ever ‘’fandom’’ :’) 

Favorite video game character?

bro. i cant pick just one so i’ll choose one per game : prompto, ryuji and link. they were all my comfort characters at some point and i projected like crazy onto them. this doesnt mean that i wouldnt absolutely die for noct or zelda. 

Least favorite video game character?

i dont think theres anyone i distinctly dislike? i always talk about hating ardyn but that’s because he’s just a salty bitch. as a character i think he’s a great villain and i rly love him. i honestly always end up liking everyone somehow, maybe there is someone i just forgot about but i cant remember at all. 

Favorite genre?

adventure games, or action rpgs. 

Video game character you’ve had a crush on?

every character ever, but i distinctly remember the moment i fell in love with prompto sjghfkshd i was watching a playthrough of xv in december 2016 because i didnt have a ps4, and the guy got to the scene in galdin quay where the bros learn insomnia fell. i had watched about 6 hours of the game by that time and wasn’t particularly interested in the characters but not uninterested enough to drop it. i hadnt even gotten a good look at the characters faces yet, so when the camera zoomed in on prompto when he said ‘’might not be save for us here!’’ i noticed he had freckles. oh god. oh fuck. oh my god hes fucking cute. oh my god better watch 30 hours of this game now

First video game you remember playing?

wayyy before i got my own gaming systems, my then-best friend had a gamecube in her attic. i was around 5 or 6 at the time. whenever i was over at her house and we didnt know what to do, she’d sometimes propose to play ‘’mario kart’’. important is that we are dutch, and i was a literal child. i thought mario KART meant it was a fucking card game, so i always declined whenever she asked. on one fateful day, i finally gave in and was pleasantly surprised it was in fact not a card game, but a viddy game. so we played mario kart double dash. (…i had never played a video game in my life besides browser flash games and was Very Very bad)

Age you started gaming?

so i played my first video game that i didnt own when i was about 5 or 6. then i got my first supply of games at age 7/8, but i dont really consider that time to be when i started ‘’gaming’’. i’d say that was when i started mario galaxy, so i’ve been playing video games for real (ie. story adventure games with boss battles) for about 6 years now.

Hardest video game you’ve played?

this is gonna sound stupid, but the witcher 3. there’s like 7 difficulties and i played on the EASIEST and still had a hard time, i just couldnt get used to the combat. i had the same problem with assassin’s creed syndicate, but after about 10 hours i actually knew what i was doing, and ive played the witcher longer than that and still am clueless. this is kind of an unpopular opinion but i dont particularly like that game

Video game you’ve spent the most time on?

i guess i am what you’d call a casual gamer; i really like video games but during a normal school week i only game for like 2-6 hours. most of the time i dont play for like 2 weeks if im busy. gaming has kind of taken over my life not because i play so much but because i get so emotionally invested lol i’m currently on summer break and even now im not playing a lot because of exhaustion and executive dysfunction. this derailed slightly but the game i’ve played the most despite my casual gamer status is …. … …. ffxv. surprise, right? the runner up is botw, but xv wins by a landslide. 630+ hours. botw is 350. my main save in ffxv is almost 200 hours i think. damn. i really managed to keep myself entertained with that game… (………i was thinking recently, since the loading screens in xv are so long, how much of this total amount was spent watching screens. i imagine it’s several hours, especially if you fast travel a lot.)

Most embarrassing gaming moment?

many moments in my gaming experience are embarrassing, but a more recent one: i was in xv’s postgame, beating some dungeons on my new save file. i had just finished daurell caverns and hadn’t saved in about 2 hours. (uh oh) i was driving around in the regalia type d and got to the big cliff near lestallum, and remembered someone made a gif of jumping in there so i wanted to try it too. i imagined the game would just put me back on the road, like it does when you crash into something. except it didnt. i got a game over. where was my last save? 2 hours back all the way in hammerhead. yippee.

Scariest video game you’ve played?

i never play horror games, cuz for me games are supposed to be relaxing experiences. no hate towards horror games of course, they just stress me out. the only time ive played horror is when friday the 13th was for free on ps+, and my friends really wanted to play it. (theyre kinda addicted to it now. huh) they had already gotten over the initial fear of having jason chase you, but i was still terrified. i can play the game without getting scared now tho. the horror sound effects just rly freaked me out at first jhsdkghsd

Most memorable gaming moment?

playing breath of the wild for the first time, or beating it for the first time. both experiences were filled to the brim with excitement and nostalgia. seeing botw as a blank slate, a world for you to explore, having no idea where you’re going… that was pretty incredible. now i know every nook and cranny of the map, so i wish i could play it for the first time again. i was so incredibly immersed. beating it was insane. i cried for 30 minutes and the end wasnt even sad, i was just so amazed at the fact that i was really here, playing breath of the wild, it was really real. the fucking main theme in the background (which i cannot for the life of me listen to without crying) didnt help with my emotions sgkdjh

Video game character you wish you could meet in real life?

…………..its prompto again. maybe 2017 me …. was .. kind of a kinnie

PC, Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo?

i dont care about console wars at all, but i think hardware-wise, pc is the best, because if you have a good pc you can basically do anything. i however do not, so i just play on consoles. ive never particularly liked xbox, so i only play ps4 and nintendo. not the switch though. its kinda petty, but my best friend and i really dont like the switch djghks

Gaming company you’re most loyal to?

none. i used to call myself a nintendo nerd (oh my god…. i m. gonna die) in like 2015 but since the switch came out and since i got a ps4 they kinda lost me. i still like their game series of course, but as a company i don’t care for them. the only reason i see square enix as one of ‘’my’’ gaming companies is because ffxv took up like 70% of my gaming experience, but besides final fantasy i don’t really love them too much either.

If you could only play one video game for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

atm i’m really into ffxiv because theres just so much to do, but that’s just a new, possibly temporary interest. if i had to choose, i’d say botw. maybe i’d say ffxv, but i feel like running around doing nothing in that game isnt very fun, because the world is sorta empty after completing every quest and getting to level 120. in botw, just fucking around on your horse is still really relaxing and nice. 

Do you use strategy guides?

yup. in certain games i try to avoid them but i usually end up stuck or in need of advice. i couldn’t have gotten so many p5 trophies if not for the internet lol

How often do you use cheats?

never, simply because the games i play often do not have cheats. unless im playing the sims and are in need of a motherlode, i dont use them.

Competitive or single player?

single player. im bad at video games and like to do stuff at my own pace. online multiplayer can be fun every now and then in games like mario kart 8 or splatoon, and i also like teamwork stuff like ffxiv or comrades. but ultimately, i prefer playing on my own.

Video game character you want to/have cosplayed?

have never cosplayed, dont have plans to either, but it would be fun to cosplay link. omg. i just remembered i have that fucking chocomoogle shirt… sorry link im gonna slap on some sasuke hair, black jeans and ugly sneakers 

Ever go to a video game convention?

i have not, i have however gone to three (3) video game concerts which is basically the same thing. 

Hardest boss fight you’ve been in?

the hardest bosses for me are usually the ones with a gimmick. you have to use a certain item or tactic to beat them or something. other hard fights for me are when you fight someone with a similar skill set. (in ffxv, this happens twice, once with the iggy-noct sparring match and once against ardyn. somehow, the final boss was easier than getting the prince to eat vegetables.) i don’t know an actual example of THE hardest boss fight ive been in though. at the time, the first bowser battle in mario galaxy was the hardest thing in the universe and i got stuck for like a month. currently, i’m having trouble with the riku-ansem fight in kh1. 

Video game you wish you could burn from your memory?

the zelda cdi games? no, i dont really know. i dont hate a game so much that i’d want to forget about it altogether, but i dont exactly love ocarina of time that much. it hasnt aged well and playing it on the gamecube for the first time in 2015 wasnt a good idea. im sure it was revolutionary at the time, but i cant handle the outdated controls gsdgksjs 

Favorite gaming series?

see, i love ffxv itself more than the entirety of the zelda series, but i dont love ff as a SERIES more than the zelda games. so if were talking series, zelda for sure. i fucking love those games and they mean a lot to me. 

Do you skip tutorials, or find them useful?

i often skip them because i cant pay attention, but then find that i need them anyway. so i usually do skim through them. 

Best online gaming experience?

one really good one happened a few days ago in ffxiv, some guy and i exchanged emotes for like 30 minutes and it ended with us becoming friends on psn :’) ppl dont usually emote back at me in that game so this was really wholesome and nice gjshksdj 

Worst online gaming experience?

i dont really have a worst? theyre more annoying. think try harders in gta online killing you 15 times in a row because they want to show you how good they are or something. magically, online gaming hasnt been too hard on me (mainly because i dont game online that much)

Why do you game?

it brings me joy. it’s a fun way of relaxing, while being stimulated at the same time. games have meant a great deal to me the past 6 years and i wouldnt want to lose them for the world.

[powerdragonmoon]

AO3 Fanfic Stats

I was tagged by @bbwoulfc ♡(˃͈ દ ˂͈ ༶ )

I started writing fanfiction  and posting it to AO3 in 2016, and I currently have 40 works and 149,317 words posted on AO3.

What are your five most popular works? (starting with the most kudos)

Summer in Paris (4,910 words, 515 kudos )

My Bread and Butter (1313 words, 331 kudos )

Kitten Kisses (5707 words, 239 kudos ) (NSFW)

Strike a Pose! (337 words, 213 kudos)

Ghostwriter (861 words, 193 kudos )

What are your five least popular works? (starting with the least kudos)

Lycopersicon esculentum (2226 words, 18 kudos)

Shadows on Your Skin (1359 words, 23 kudos) (NSFW)

Marigold Hopes (981 words, 26 kudos)

Le Rendez-Vous (28,430 words, 28 kudos)

Paint on Your Body (1715 words, 40 kudos) (NSFW)

Are you surprised? Why?

Meh, I don’t really see it as a surprise. Summer in Paris was a collab with some amazing people so of course it gained more exposure! (and was just way better than my usual writing thanks to @sarahcada​ and @hchano​)

My Bread and Butter was one of the first oneshots i wrote inspired by @lyradaisical​ and I think it gained exposure from her reblogging it XD

Kitten Kisses is Marichat sin.... and if i’ve learnt nothing from this fandom its that marichat sin is pretty popular lmao.

My least popular works are all non lovesquare or ship-less pieces so I’m not really surprised there..... altho ghostwrite is marcnath.... so hmmmmm maybe that isnt a proper correlation... it could just mean these pieces just suck!

dont think im ever going to continue Le Rendez-Vous XD I still want to finish lycopersicon esculentum and i have a second part for paint on your body, so regardless of kudos, i’ll try my best to finish what i can uwu.

Optional: If you want to calculate this, what are your works’ average number of notes?

Wot, like tumblr wise? Here’s a rough estimate just scrolling through my writing blog real quick (LMAO NVM I GIVE UP, tumblr tags aren’t working and this is taking too long): I would say I average around 100 notes on a writing post?

Average Number of Comment Threads: about 10

Average Number of Kudos: about 124

Today’s date, so you can see how your results might change if you do this again in a year.

December 24th, 2018.

Tag six people to do this next!

@xiueryn​ @siderealsandman​ @thelastpilot​ @sarahcada​ @iwroteinapastlife​ @skaylanphear​

[straw-bana-blog]

lmao why are people getting so shitty about us getting mad??? It’s almost like they think we’re just gross horny ppl who only care we won’t get porn anymore,,, 🧐

Listen, if I want porn, you know where I go? To porn sites. I sure as fuck never look anything up here. Why? Spam, loli and shota, creepy ppl I don’t wanna interact with.

So why am I mad?

1. Because of the timing. I don’t fucking think its a coincidence that right after apple takes tumblr off the store, they fucking scramble and start deleting blogs left and right, a lot of which did nothing wrong, then turn off safe mode and clear out the nsfw tag (and other related ones) and finally ban nsfw content outright.

They have known about the cp and the fucking bots and the nazis and EVERYTHING for YEARS. I’m sorry but it’s true. They will never admit it, obviously, but they’ve been ignoring it and excusing it by saying ‘oh how could we know!! Our site is so large we can’t keep track of everything!’ Meanwhile waves of tumblr users have been making posts and reporting it to them. 

They’ve had the time to fix it, they COULD have been working on an algorithm all this time to fix it, but no. It wasn’t a concern until suddenly ppl couldn’t download their shitty app anymore (which is just. Riddled with issues of its own anyway). So they throw together an algorithm that doesn’t work, then decide to just nuke it all because it’s just easier that way.

2. It’s literally going to destory the site. I’m sorry, YOU might stay and try to cling to this garbage site because of xyz, but I’m not. You can make excuses, you can try and convince yourself that you don’t care, you’re just here for the fandom/the art/the community, whatever, but the truth is? This is the last step for me.

Tumblr has been a hellsite for years, its been a mess and its become a joke. Everybody laughs about how they don’t wanna be here and they can’t wait for it to die. But nobody leaves because tumblr seems to survive anything.

Nobody’s happy here anymore. Sure, they might be happy with the community side of things, the actual people on here, but NOBODY is happy with the site. I know its hard to please everybody these days, but pissing off everybody? Its seems impossible, but tumblr managed it! All the bugs, the lack of communication with any decision, just everything. Its not a good site.

People are going to lose income from this, possibly friends who only talk to them through tumblr and get their blogs deleted. A lot of people are just going to leave. Because yeah, maybe I don’t get my rocks off going through the nsfw tag on here, but a lot of people do, and you know what? You can make fun of them for leaving, you can call them horny and gross but at the end of the day, its going to be a lot of people. Even if they’re like me and go to other sites, for a lot of people its a big issue. They want the OPTION of seeing nsfw stuff, even if they won’t ever seek it out. They don’t want to have to worry about being censored of having their blog deleted for showing some fucking nipples. 

And when they start leaving, some of their friends will too, and more and more until eventually no one’s left! Sure, I might be wrong, it could still survive, people might not actually leave, but the core of tumblr will permanently be changed, no matter what happens after December 17th.

3. Its just further proof that Tumblr just doesn’t get it’s users. This one has been coming for a while, honestly. We all know this. We makes jokes about it. They make silly cosmetic changes and ignore the bugs, they randomly go on purges of normal accounts, but the bots seem untouched, tags that are KNOWN to be full of cp/abuse/other shitty things have just been left alone!

They think we want all these fancy new features when really we just want them to address the things that are already wrong with the site.

And now that they’ve been caught out for their biggest issue that’s been going on for so long, they’re finally fixing it. But not in a way that’s good for the site, certainly not in a way we want. It’s a lazy way, nuking all nsfw stuff so they can claim to be family friendly and hopefully get back in the store and stay in apples good books. It’s so they won’t have to make an actual algorithm and keep on top of it in the future.

No, they’ll just make another shitty algorithm that targets all nsfw, have their users report things that aren’t kid-friendly and then they’ll be good again!

Except we never wanted that, never asked that. And if they had have just listened to us in the first place, they could have gotten started fixing the issues a long, long time ago. They could have had enough time to come up with a proper solution rather than just nuking the entire fucking site.

So I think we have a right to be mad. You can make jokes all you want, but we’re pissed because we have all wanted tumblr to get better for so long. We have waited, we have tried asking them, talking to them, begging them to fix things. They don’t listen.

So for a lot of us this is just. Too far, finally. We’re done waiting for them to step up and become a better platform. They’ve proven they don’t listen, they’ve proven they don’t really care about anything except profit. So I’m mad. Because I’ve made excuses for them in the past, justified using the site because of the community aspect, but they’ve finally made it impossible for me to do that.

I’m not going to be using the site anymore. And you can make fun of me for not leaving sooner, you can stick around. I don’t really care. I’ve spent years on this site just trying to ignore all the flaws. But I’m done! I’m sick of waiting for the next bug, the next shitty decision, the next fuck up.

I’m just gonna go to other sites from now on.

So here’s my Twitter, my Ao3 and my insta is @awuum.

Edit:Oh! I also do have a discord, so if you want that then just simply ask!

[avenger-hawk]

aha, yup its that same person. i wouldnt even consider complaining to you about anything i might not like of yours, thats just silly, im the one engaging you it would be really rude to do that. i moreso meant that i am very intrigued by all the uchiha (and some of the other characters, juugo, nagato, deidara, zabuza, tsunade, gaara) but i just dont think im ready yet to read about strong emotional connections between sasuke and others. probably in a few weeks i will, cuz i am curious about (tbc)

shisui and also obito, cuz for awhile i was very confused about him (still am). im just still pretty new to the fandom and way too over excited for some good content. also, i totally respect your opinion about halloween and western culture. honestly my favorite part of halloween is that the week after, there is lots of super cheap candy, sometimes i give it as gifts in december. and um js, im canadian, but really its not too different up here than the usa, just a bit colder and less guns. (tbc)most holidays here are pretty lame but halloween is nice (for me) cuz more people dress up which is cute, and i also just like guts n stuff so its good for the horror season. i actually only asked cuz i was curious if you dressed up to celebrate, which i guess in retrospect is silly if youre some kind of cosplayer (idk). hopefully that question wasnt too annoying, i should have realized you werent western before asking.

Ok, I thought you were the same person but I didn’t want do make mistakes. Yup, you’d think not complaining is logical and polite, and yet even here on tumblr I saw certain cringeworthy comments to that fic, needless to say they make me want to write it more. In fact while the others are on hiatus, even though slowly that’s the one I’m writing.

I won’t spoil you anything about other characters you’re interested in, and I’m kinda jealous of your excitement over the manga, I’ve been in this fandom for too long and I’m annoyed by everything mostly. I should leave it for good but I am still attached to it, so here I am.

Sorry about the rant, it wasn’t against you in particular, but about a certain part of western culture being overwhelmingly everywhere. And I am western...only I’m from the “less relevant” parts lol. Southern Europe/Mediterranean countries don’t celebrate it, I think Eastern European countries don’t either but I’m not sure. Also I don’t eat most sweets, but I understand your excitement over them, my sister would feel the same. Hahah, you’re Canadian, so colder weather and less guns, but you forgot more politeness, I always heard you guys are super nice :)

So you weren’t annoying, just me being very opinionated xD

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.