#im going to the uni therapist in a few weeks as I decided that it might be good to get tips on being stable

[larrysballetslippers]

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[murdering-time]

An Overdue Explanation and Update

// Hey Folx

I know for the majority of the past few months I have been very inactive and I'll give you the short of it all before the cut. Mental Health and Dropping out of Uni.

Of course I'll be back, I've been in contact with Spider and Doorrat ((who are both incredibly sweet people out of asks for the record)) and I have a few things planned out for the blog which is VERY exciting!

I do plan to go through the Hatters Acrs in BTAS without the use of cameos ((Trial I will maim you)) and Im not too focussed on this blog being cannon compliant !

If you wish to read more, just to know what's up, it's all under the cut, and TW for me being open about my mental health but that's about it

Best to all of you!

Hare

Aha, a curious fellow, eh? (Gender neutral)

Alright, the meat of it all

The past few years Ive been struggling mentally anyway - I flip flop from incredible highs to just inexplicable lows - it's incredible exhausting, leaves me restless and sleep deprived, and worst of all I've been trying to complete university on top of it.

My studies have suffered. I have suffered. And now it has all unfortunately caught up to me.

These past few months I have been doing what I like to call "hermitting" Its where I isolate myself, store and conserve my energy for the small things I enjoy doing, and those I want to talk to.

I have dropped out of University after failing a second attempt and this academic year I am working.I have a new job, I am talking to new people, and I am recouperating myself.

I have a therapist again, too and having been in and out of counselling for just over half a decade it feels like I'm getting somewhere with help.

I should be seeing a psychiatrist soon, and I sincerely hope they can give me some answers for being incredible low emotionally at the worst of times.

So, what does this mean for my blog?

Well! Essentially, I have more free time! Lost more free time!

I can feel the lack of stress of study, I feel lighter, and up until now I was incredibly drained at a constant.

I started this blog in the Summer holiday (nearly just over half a year ago now) and I never thought it would pick up so quickly as it did!

I am having such fun, and I still have Doorrat's ask in my inbox to continue the lore and story of Mad as a Hatter

I have a few tags to make, tag lists, organisation, just for each sort of episode that's explored I can go through the tags and make a tag list

Really, just now, I'm hoping to keep myself a float, Im still working on my stupid little fanfic that this blog was inspired by, and I'm just trying to get myself into the flow of having most the week to myself and not sleeping in

It's fun! Real fun, and from talking to such lovely people who drop by my inbox (Phone Im looking at you too) and all the peope who send and tag me in things

It makes me feel very welcomed and it makes the breaks I need feel valued and understood

Really, just, being a sap on main, I am so touched by the inherent support that there is for me, for Hatter, for this blog, and for the arcs that are being spurred on by all the wonderful asks in my inbox

I love you all very dearly, the spam likers, the lurkers, the askers, the RPers, the people who have messaged me, tagged me, thought about this stupid little blog --

It's an honour to be here and to be supported like this especially with the stress that I've gone through offline UvU

Expect some more lore soon, right now Im just finishing up a scarebest fic for a mate of mine and hopefully going to update the little long term fic Im working on and check exactly where im supposed to be with that on the outline

I'll be sure to draw a little thank you for the wait, and while It would have been appropriate the put Jervis in Arkham BEFORE going AWOL unfortunately I cant choose when my brain decides "hello. Time to hibernate."

Needless to say, this fucker WILL end up in Arkham, which means NEW EMOTES, and you guys will be more than able to ask about the inmates, Jervis' allies, and who he's connecting with within the asylum

Sympathies and regards to all of you!

Hare

[zukotheartist]

Hiii :) i need a bit of help

(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)

It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.

Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.

I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???

I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???

I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.

I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.

Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.

I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?

But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???

I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).

Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr

Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.

It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).

This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.

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*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀

[fairycosmos]

3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

[carotriesstudy]

When you’re not doing well at uni and failing

okay, i know im not the best at keeping this blog bc its like not a physical thing so i forget i have it lol

but i wanted to just talk a little and vent bc of my life is pretty shit atm (the tips at the start are written post rant to actually give some advice instead of just venting)

Tip 1 - get out of bed

I know its hard, I could spend my life in bed and tbh I do. but I also know that while it feels like taking care of yourself to relax, I know it’ll make me more depressed. and it's super hard. I constantly tell myself to get up while lying there an entire day. but when you feel that little spur of energy or in my case annoyance lol use it. get up and get out. 

Tip 2 - get out of your room

this is similar to tip 1 but if you find yourself in lack of motivation or energy go somewhere. take a walk, or go study in a library or cafe. and this can be even harder. having to get dressed? maybe interact with people? are you kidding me? but the minute you get out and even when you interact with people it feels better. you aren't holed up in your depression or whatever might be bothering you. 

Tip 3 - it’s okay and it’s going to be better

right now it's shit. and it feels like its never going to get better. and that you're stuck in this rut forever. but things will turn even if you don't want them to. there can be a comfort and security in your depression bc it gives a reason to why it feels like its right. but you know what also feels like that? the good, and hopefully there will be more of those. 

Tip 4 - do as much as you can handle

it's easy to not do things. I haven't done anything all semester. and it sucks bc it's biting me in the ass now. and it's not like I don't have the time. I just don't have the energy. so when I have the energy I need to remember that reading 3 pages of assigned reading is still better than none. I go to class even if I'm not paying attention bc it gets me up and out but also it gives a good idea of what I need to focus on etc.

Tip 5 - its okay to “give up”

i dont like the phrase giving up that much bc it sounds like defeat. i am in a process of severly considering not starting again next semester bc of my mental health. its serious consideration. but its one i need to make and if i decide not to go, it doesnt mean i gave up, i just realised that my current situation iisnt good and that i need to change stuff before i can continue instead of wasting my time doing a shit job at an expensive uni. so, thats good. figuring out what works and what doesnt is only a positive thing

today im in a somewhat good mood despite learning i failed my stats exam (dw its not bad we have multiple so i can still pass)

but the thing is, i have been in a very bad place or a long time and it has really been affecting me and by extension also my education.

i feel apathetic towards everything, im uninterested, and the stress and obligatoin feel i used to really on to study isnt kicking in anymore due to the apathy

im constantly tired, i cant get out o bed in the morning and we have madatory attendance (which probably is good bc otherwise i wouldnt be going to class probably)

my concentration and attention is somewhere completely different atm and its been weeks like this (usually its a few days) and i cant control it very well and its making it hard for me to study and pay attention

im letting myself slip, my room is slipping, my health is slipping

while im trying to get better and be more social which is easier than studying bc usually its just me and this one friend getting high and watching stupid videoes which is nice bc its a break to feel happy and entertained but its also not good for me

back to school stuff since this is a study blog

im no doing good in any of my classes, i barely passed two exams, failed one and possibly one more

i have an exam on friday i need to study for, and one on monday. i neeed good grades in these to make up for the not so good marks i have received before

and while i know that taking care of your mental health is more important not feeling like doing academic work is bothering me a lot actually and its a hellish circle of poor mental health leads to poor academic performance which then leads to poor mental health

and while my apathy and alexithymia saves me from feeling sad or upset by my grades i know deep down i want to do well. i want to succeed. 

i cant keep not working, i need to put in work if i wanna improve. this isnt high school anymore

im doing some hard courses this semester and while i am usually interested in most of them i cant seem to care 

im doing better today mentally and i feel up for getting some stuff done so im going to exploit that but i also just want to sleep and wake up feeling actually awake for once

im also getting sick so thats fun

my parents are also making me see a therapist (i haven't started yet) and i think thats a good idea but i have a lot of anxiety about it lol hence why i need therapy 

im also going to talk to counsellor at school and see what she can help with as well

idk what id going to happen but im trying to finish my semester and get back into a good study rhythm. I anyone wants to throw some advice or encouragement my way id really appreciate it.

[rakoondeity]

Life updates

• I start school in 5 weeks holy shit. I’m doing community college for a little while for pre reqs since it’ll be cheaper than doing them at Uni. But I will be going back to Uni.

• I finally stopped using paint tool sai and bought clip studio paint. Best decision I’ve made in a long long time. Great program.

• I’ve condensed all my belongings to fit into just a few boxes! (Would be less but I have a lot more clothes than I thought) so I no longer have a storage unit and I’m feeling a little more comfortable with less clutter.

• I started T again but I still freak out at the sight of the needle about to puncture my skin... at least this time it’s a tiny needle and it’s sub q instead of IM. I still can’t do the shots myself yet though.

• I’m working with my therapist to find what my “healthy” is. Because of this I’ll be making pretty drastic life changes in the upcoming months including dropping unhealthy friendships, unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc. sadly I know this will also cause some drama as it’s not exactly easy to tell people “it’s not healthy to have you in my life, bye!”

• I FINALLY decided what I want to do with my degree after Uni. While the ultimate goal was funeral directing, I think I’m going to put that on a back burner and work toward children’s animation instead. I always talk about how I don’t want kids and whatnot but I also talk a lot about wanting to teach kids how to be better people. To be more kind and accepting and strong. So I don’t wanna work on stupid cartoons like Teen Titans Go but more like Steven Universe.

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!