#im anxious all the time and I feel like depression is for real approaching

[larrysballetslippers]

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[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt lion secondary (badger secondary model) (bird secondary model)

i hope you’re having an amazing day!! here’s my SHC dilemma:

i know my primary is lion, and it feels a little exploded, at that, but at least i know what’s up. but im still extremely confused about my secondary. i tried looking through other submissions, but i didn’t really find anything i vibed with 100%, but then again i have adhd and im really struggling going through all that text, it just kinda blurs together at some point

so, my secondary. taking the test, i always get burnt, often with a vague hint towards bird. at first i immediately adopted that and decided i was a burnt bird, but the more i go the less that feels right to me and i think it might be some sort of model.

Yeah. “doesn’t feel right.” Definitely see the Lion in your sorting.

working by elimination, im pretty certain im not a snake secondary. that ish doesn’t even sound real to me, i know there are people like this because i know a couple, but it’s just so weird to me that some people are just able to improvise so effectively, and seemingly change themselves like that, and they?? enjoy it?? it does sound dope, like i admire it, but wtf. 

Lion secondaries can get very *does not compute* when trying to get their head around Snake secondaries. I’m considering Lion for you. 

i do act differently in different situations or with different people, but i don’t think i have “personas” as much as degrees of awkwardness 

I see the burnt secondary. You’re definitely talking yourself down here. But the way you talk about “degrees of awkwardness” does make me think about the way Lion secondaries “change faces” by modulating intensity. 

depending on how much my anxiety is acting up, and the more anxious i am, the more i act like a doormat and revert to the proper manners i was taught, but like… that’s not me, and it’s not done on purpose, i don’t enjoy it. 

Looks like somebody’s got an unhealthy Badger secondary model.

it feels gross not to be able to act like myself, whatever the hell that is.

And you didn’t vibe with the Lion descriptions? This is the first time I’m reading though this and… very interested to get to the part where you talk about why you think you’re not a Lion. 

im also convinced im not a bagder - my mother is, and there are a lot of those in my community, so i was raised thinking that was the best way to be, an ideal to work towards, but it’s just not comfortable for me, i don’t wanna do it.

Yeah, this would that  unhealthy Badger secondary model you were talking about. ^

i don’t even think i *can* do it. i mean, “showing up and doing the work” is pretty hard with adhd, and not even the most efficient way of getting stuff done (at least for me), and thinking of the group and what i can do in that group is annoying. also i get that asking for help is important sometimes but it still feels like that’s just admitting i can’t figure out how to do it myself, which, yikes (don’t come at me i know it’s unhealthy)

Hey, breathe. It’s okay. Nobody is going to make you be a Badger secondary. Clearly you’ve spent enough time struggling under the weight of a model that doesn’t suit you, and now you’re pushing back against everything Badger extra hard. 

id rather find a group im a good fit for instead of molding myself to please others. 

See, that’s an exaggerated, caricatured way of conceptualizing how a Badger secondary works… but I’m not surprised that you think about it that way.

whatever i do, it needs to come from me.

… you’ve got a very loud Lion secondary. 

anyway im somewhere between lion and bird, and at first i thought i was a bird because i do in fact fricking love learning everything i can, i wouldn’t naturally call it “collecting”, i’m just doing whatever’s interesting in the moment

You mean you learn by improvising? :) Like a Lion? :) 

but sure, why not - i like collecting languages, knowledge about different cultures, books, music, space, countries, medicine, anything and everything, and i sometimes spend hours researching random stuff that im never actually gonna use “just in case im stranded in the wilderness and need to make soap” you feel? but it’s not actually because i think it might be useful (though i do get random bouts of anxiety over not knowing how to do certain stuff “in case” even though the probability id need them is infinitesimal).

Loving knowledge does not make you a Bird secondary. I’m hearing you talk about about a thing you do for fun, and - this is key - a thing you use as  a mechanism to cope with anxiety. ADHD can sometimes make you feel very scattered, going too fast, and your Bird is giving you [the illusion of] control. And I’m not going to knock that. The illusion of control is important. 

i just like knowing things and being able to use those things to do stuff. i wanna be “that guy” you can come to with the most obscure problem and they’d have some way of dealing with it. doesn’t that sound pretty bird?

Okay. Here’s the deal. You like Bird secondaries. You think they’re cool, and badass. Maybe you’d like to be one. But I’m still not at all convinced you are. I haven’t heard you use it to solve problems. 

but i can’t actually do that stuff. i think i used to, when i was a teenager? but depression and undiagnosed adhd kinda kicked my ass, among a few other things, and now i don’t really have the brain power for it and i feel like im not actually able to learn things as well, or to even think straight.

Wow. That is some burnt secondary talk. I can’t do things. 

(I promise you, people with ADHD have absurd brain power, and can learn things crazy well, although not in the same way as neurotypicals. You are right about not thinking straight, which I am interpreting as “in a straight line.” ADHD people think in webs and corkscrews and I love it.) 

 or if i did, i can’t learn as *many* things as i need to feel accomplished? which idk what you think but it kinda just sounds like burnt bird to me. 

Feeling like the secondary you have isn’t good enough can be a Burnt thing... but feeling like you need to manifest a specific secondary *more* (which is what this feels like) is usually a sign of a model. 

but here’s the thing. all of those sound real nice. and cool. and a good way of doing things, maybe even the “right” way, even though i know that’s subjective. but lion just feels more comfy, and idk if that’s because im a burnt bird modeling lion or if it’s smth else.

… you mean… like being… a Lion?

cause the “collecting skills and knowledge to solve problems” thing sounds cool, but it’s actually more just the first part that i vibe with? the part where i get to learn stuff! but when actually solving problems, i don’t usually think too long, i just vibe. i see where my instinct is taking me and i apply reason *after* that, or like, as a secondary, support thing. im not a dumbass either, im good at puzzles and logic problems, i can totally think things through and use my skills! but that’s not really how i approach problem-solving. i just jump into the situation and see what part of it is closest and start there, or what’s convenient, or what just feels right or nicer or whatever.

This is a perfect description of a Lion secondary with a supportive Bird model. Like a LOT of neurodivergent people (hi!) you built yourself some scaffolding using the Bird toolbox.

and on one hand it could be that im not confident in my skillset enough to do things the bird way, but on the other hand, thinking back to my childhood and teenage years, when i had better executive skills and i wasn’t as completely scatterbrained as i am I now (i was, but not as bad in some ways), i still did this? like, all of my major life decisions where made on the spot based on instinct and nothing else

I’m definitely seeing the Lion primary come though as well. 

whenever i have a problem of the interpersonal sort i just face it and talk to the person and don’t bother hiding or sugarcoating things even if it means hurting that person because i don’t want to lie or come off as something i’m not, when i need to work on a project i don’t bother planning, i just jump in and a strategy forms in an organic way as i go, you know what i mean? isn’t that what this “charging” business means?

Yes.

anyway i have no idea which one is a model and which one is actually mine. i love learning things but i don’t care about actually using them. i mean i like it, of course, but it’s whatever. planning is tedious and it kinda gives me validation because im meant to be “smart” and i guess planning is what smart people do, but it’s annoying and nothing ever goes exactly to plan anyway so you just have to pause and plan again or whatever, and that’s just so boring and frustrating??

I get that you like Bird secondaries, and I get that the picture of “smart person” in your head looks like a Bird secondary but just like… come on…

why not just do the damn thing?? and then what you have to do will be obvious anyway?? and sure, if you planned ahead, maybe you’d already know what you need to do and you’d have prepared it and you’d do it better, but who’s got the time for that?? i can’t use my brain like that! i need to live the thing before it actually feels real enough for me to think about solving it.

I have never read anything more Lion secondary in my entire goddamn life.

i hope this actually made sense and i gave enough relevant information, my head kinda feels jumbled right now. i mean it makes sense to me but i don’t know how this reads from an outside perspective. maybe i should have planned this like an essay or whatever lmao

thanks a lot for answering these & running this blog!!! it’s dope and you give really good insights and you’re just a super cool person!

<3 <3 <3 

[juyeoniemyhoney]

the simple things

Your country is physically incapable of snowing, much to your dismay. The closest thing you can get to snow is a copious amount of downpours. But as long as Jungkook is your boyfriend, snow in a country cursed with endless summer is not impossible anymore. 

-pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader 

-genre: fluff, established relationship

-warnings: a few vulgarities, may be a little stupid

-word count: 2103 words 

-A/N: hey guys it’s been a while since i posted. my exams ended like two weeks ago but ive been super inactive. ive just been in this really weird place creatively. but i hope this story makes up for it. i promise im trying to be more regular with posting fics. its only november but im already in a christmas mood! HAHA but anyways, hope you like it and my requests are open! 

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Something that you still have yet to comprehend is why your country still refuses to snow. Living close to the equator is all sorts of disappointing, especially for a hopeless romantic like you. But seriously, living in a country that only knows how to be hot means that most of the knowledge you know about winter romances are from sappy Christmas movies and the books you seem to like more than real people. You have complained about this topic to a multitude of people, as if your excessive, outspoken frustration will miraculously make it snow, and it does not help when these people, mostly your friends, reply back every single time with, “In December, it rains more, at least it’s more cool like that.” 

New friends seem more reasonable than having to hear that sentence again. 

At least Jungkook seems to agree with you. 

Indeed, the only good thing that comes out of your country’s insufferable refusal to just fucking snow is that Jungkook, your sweet, sweet, boyfriend, has always gone out of his way to make rainy days more special than they actually are. 

Jungkook usually doesn’t have time for you. As depressing as that sounds, it is mostly true. He is crazy devoted to his job as a video director and therefore, is mostly out and about, travelling all around the country and the world to film. But on rainy days, provided he is free from his jam-packed schedule, he has made it a habit to stay at home all day and shower you with all of his pent up affection, following you around your shared apartment like a lost puppy and endlessly pressing his lips to your skin, each one as if you are water and Jungkook is a man deprived. 

Today is a little different. 

You do not wake up early much, but it seems that every time you do, you are met with all sorts of unmistakably prejudiced misfortune. Like today, you had awoken early to head to the grocer for groceries that you were running low on. However, on your way home, the clouds had darkened with impending rain, seeming to look swollen, rather than fluffy. You had tried your best to reach home before it started to rain, but of course, you didn’t make it, rain falling from the sky, the downpour gradually getting heavier and you, gradually getting more and more wet, as if the universe was flashing the biggest middle finger to your face. 

You do not expect to see Jungkook waiting for you in the lobby of your apartment complex. 

“Kook?” you ask, a little breathless and drenched from head to toe. Jungkook, still in his pyjamas, stops his anxious pacing and looks up to you with heart-wrenchingly concerned eyes as he approaches you quickly. 

“Why do you always leave the house without an umbrella?” he scolds, though his concern outweighs his anger as he swaps the towel in his hand with the three bags of groceries you are holding. 

“Don’t you have work today?” you ask, unravelling the folded towel and wrapping it around your shoulders as the two of you head towards the elevators. Jungkook’s hair is unruly and tousled, the soft strands sticking up in different areas. His eyes are barely open, as if the purple half-moons under the glittering orbs are forcing them close, desperate for just a few more minutes of sleep. And it seems like he had left the house in a hurry, because his feet are clad in his bedroom slippers. Your heart swells at the sight. 

Jungkook frowns at you as the both of you step into the elevator, saying, “What do you mean? It’s raining today.”

“Yeah, but Kook, you can’t cancel work just because it’s raining. You’re a director,” you tell him with a raise of your eyebrows. He just flashes you a grin before stepping out of the elevator and making his way to your front door, waiting patiently in front of it for you to unlock it with your free hands. 

“Relax, all I have to do today is help with editing and thanks to the amazing invention of the email, I can do it at home.” 

You want to rejoice when you hear that he will be staying at home but you are too busy studying the fluffy white that litters the entrance of your home and seems to form a trail that leads further inside. You distractedly remove your shoes and haphazardly leave them by the door as you approach the substance, quickly bending down to pick it up, only for it to crumble from between your fingers. 

Distractedly, you gesture to Jungkook behind you, flailing your free hand to garner his attention. You start speaking when he lets out a soft hum of acknowledgement. “Kook, what is this?” 

Jungkook doesn’t answer you immediately but instead makes his way further into your apartment with the groceries in one hand and your wet shoes in the other (bless his benevolence), a secret smile turning the corners of his lips up as you trail behind him. 

“What the fuck,” is your reaction when the living room reveals itself. Your tone is not one of disbelief but one of awe because your living room is filled with the fluffy, white foam and there is a now a big Christmas tree right smack in the middle of your living room. The carpet has been rolled up and put away in the corner of the room and the sofa has been pushed flush against the wall opposite the television to make room for the white foam. 

“It’s fake snow,” you hear Jungkook answer from the kitchen, the rustling of plastic muffling his voice as he puts the groceries in their respective places. You see that the dryer is now running, you suppose, with your wet shoes inside it. Your heart warms at his thoughtfulness and as you turn around to look at Jungkook, you notice a big box of Christmas ornaments, ready for the both of you to decorate your new tree with. 

“Jungkook,” you call, flashing a pout in his direction, though he doesn’t see it, too busy putting away the ramen you bought into his precious ramen drawer to spare you a glance. He just hums again, to let you know he is listening, but he doesn’t have to listen because you do not say anything. Instead, you are creeping up behind him and wrapping your arms around his waist, resting your cheek against his warm back. He doesn’t seem to mind the fact that you are still damp from the rain and just continues to pack the drawer with ramen, humming again to let you know that his attention is still on you. You feel the vibration of the hum against your cheek and the feeling warms your insides up like hot chocolate.

“When did you do this?” you ask, changing your position so that instead of your cheek, your chin rests on his back, allowing you to look at him, even though all you can see is the back of his head; the sight still elicits an adoring smile from you. 

“Well, I started after you left and I was going to make some hot chocolate but then it started raining,” he tells you, turning around a little to glance down at you, flashing you a sweet smile that causes your heart to leap in your chest. 

“Why did you do this,” you continue to interrogate him as Jungkook shuts the drawer, turning around in your arms to face you, his own arms coming around your shoulders. You rest your chin on his chest and Jungkook smiles down at you with a smile that could end world wars. 

“I know I’ve been isolating myself in my office recently. And I know how much you love snow. Plus, it’s November and I’m excited for Christmas,” Jungkook explains. He keeps his voice soft, lips stretching into an easy grin as he looks at you, gaze soft and apologetic and sweet, like his eyes are oozing with honey. You feel like your insides are a meadow in spring, flowers in full bloom, green grass, with bees and butterflies, and a warm spring breeze to finish it off. 

You flash him a grateful smile, tiptoeing so that your foreheads meet, noses brushing each other. At first, you both just simply look at each other, gazes loving and soft. “I love you so much,” is what you mutter before your lips finally meet, no hesitation, but instead, sure, with a practiced familiarity. Jungkook’s lips are as you remember, soft yet firm and he kisses you like he always seems to do on rainy days, desperate and taking, as if he is slowly drawing your heart out of your chest, before it finally falls and lands in his hands. And you allow him to take it. 

“I love you so much too,” Jungkook mutters between kisses, decidedly planting a loving peck to your nose, and then your forehead, and then both your cheeks, before finishing it off with a searing kiss to your lips. Your affection for him multiplies by a thousand and the sheer amount of it seems to shove your heart out of your chest; you can feel it in the way it strains against your ribcage with each thud and in the way it pumps hot blood to your cheeks, red, like a warning that it is choosing to jump ship and surrender itself to Jungkook. 

“Let’s go and decorate the Christmas tree,” you suggest to Jungkook, taking tentative steps backwards and in the direction of the living room. You expect Jungkook to let go of you but he holds you close to him and stays planted to the ground, unwavering. You flash him a look of confusion that elicits a small chuckle from him. 

“You have to take a warm bath first, sweetheart. Or you’ll catch a cold,” he explains, pulling you in the direction of the bathroom. He proceeds to draw you a bath, occasionally feeling the temperature of the water, not too hot and not too cold, but warm enough to rid your body of any cold symptoms. When he is satisfied, he is pressing a kiss to your lips and exiting the bathroom, gently closing the door behind him and leaving you in silence that your thoughts invade immediately.

You rid your body of your damp clothes and lower yourself into the tub, the sudden warm water and change of temperature eliciting goosebumps to the surface of your skin and you allow your thoughts to run. 

Now that you think about it, when you had first met Jungkook, he seemed standoffish and closed off, like you’d had to try for a thousand years before you could earn his trust and loyalty. For some reason, to you, Jungkook seemed too caught up with himself to care about other people, too busy to notice the small things. But when you started dating him, he was the exact opposite. Like you said, Jungkook doesn’t always have time for you. Even then, when he was still a student, he was always nose-deep in assignments and projects and his internship. But despite the fact that you don’t spend as much time with him as you’d like, Jungkook has always managed to remember the little things. Like how he know that you love winter and snow, how he knows your exact order from Starbucks and bubble tea, how he knows your favourite movies to watch, and how he always clears time to read anything new you’ve written. You know that there are a multitude of things that sustain your relationship, but you like to think that Jungkook’s unadulterated benevolence and thoughtfulness is one of the main reasons why you love him so much. 

When you emerge from the steamy bathroom, you are smelling more of lavender and vanilla and less of rainwater. Jungkook is getting ready to decorate the Christmas tree, pulling the box so that it is just under the tree and opening it to reveal the distinctive colours that are always associated with Christmas, green, red and white. 

You two immediately begin dressing the tree, and soon enough, the tree is sparkling and twinkling and beautiful. And as Jungkook places the golden star right at the top of the tree, he looks down at you and flashes you a blinding grin that you’re positive can outshine the sun every single time. And you think that even if you wanted winter to be snowy and cold, as long as Jungkook is with you, you’ll always be warm. 

[brelione]

Neverland (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Mentions of death,suicide,depression,probably a lot of spelling errors,has the possibility of making you cry. :)

This is really bad because I have not slept in 28 hours and I was bored :)

You had said over and over again from the age of 8 that all you wanted to do was go to neverland.It was right after your parents died in a drowning accident that you had become so obsessed with the idea.Neverland was the perfect place where children who simply didnt belong in the real world went to feel wanted.Neverland was where you belonged.You used to pray to any god there was that someday Peter Pan would come to your window and take you away.It never happened though.When you became friends with the pogues at age 14 you felt a bit better.You had met JJ Maybank,the boy of pure chaos and crackhead energy.He was always doing something illegal or doing something he shouldnt be.He was many things and loyal,sweet and kind were some of them.He acted like a lost boy,not caring about the consequences to his actions and living in the moment.

You would sit together on John.B’s roof and complain about life.

“You ever wonder why we’re so fucked up?”You asked.He shrugged,laying down with his arms over his chest.You tucked your hair behind your ears,looking up at the sky and staring at the second star to the right. “Hey,JJ?”You asked.He hummed,watching you stare up at the sky with a sad expression.He had noticed things no one else had about you.How your eyes were always a little pink,the way your laugh was never completely genuine,the way you hid your emotions from everyone because you didnt want to overwhelm anyone.He had always gone out of his way to do nice things for you.He’d made you a bracelet with your name on it that you had worn everyday until the beads had faded and the letters were hardly there.You still wore it.

He remembered your favorite type of poptart and would steal you some when he went to a large supermarket.You had always told him not to steal from independent businesses and if he were to steal from anywhere to steal from a store that had multiple locations because it didnt matter if they lost $2.He tried to show affection,hugging you or attempting to hold your hand.You never accepted it,shrinking under his touch.He wanted you to feel loved and appreciated but no matter how he tried the message just wouldnt get through to you. “If I ever go missing,just know that I probably went to neverland.”You spoke quietly.He sat sat up,frowning. “What?”He asked.You sighed. “I dont like it here.I wanna leave.Im gonna leave eventually so when I do you’ll know where to find me.”You avoided his gaze,staring up at the star.

He scooted himself forward so he was next to you. “Why dont you like it here?”He asked.You sighed,looking at him. “I dont belong here,you know?Everything just feels wrong and I feel guilty all the time because I know I should be grateful that im alive and healthy but I just want to give up.I just fuck things up and I dont wanna do it anymore.”You mumbled,feet dangling off the edge of the roof.He went to grab your hand,sliding his warm large hand over your cold small one.You let him,your fingers curling around his hand. “You do belong here,though.You belong with the pogues and we all love you.You know we love you,right?”He asked.You shrugged. “I dont really belong with you guys.Kiara felt bad for me so she dragged me into this.You dont really love me,you’re just saying that to keep me here.”You looked up at him.

His pupils were large,lips open like he was trying to form words.He was concerned for you,having the urge to pull you away from the side of the roof.You just grinned. “Its okay to admit it,JJ.I know its true.”You smiled.He shook his head. “No.No its not.What am I gonna do when you’re in neverland?Who’s gonna stop me from stealing from independent businesses?”He asked.You just huffed. “Pope will.”You replied.He shook his head,gulping. “No,no.Pope doesnt care about that stuff like you do-you’re the only one who can stop me from stealing pop tarts.”He replied,voice squeaking a bit.You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb. “Its okay,JJ.Everything is fine.”You spoke softly.He shook his head. “You’re really scaring me right now...please just stay here with me.Please.”He whispered.

You bit the inside of your cheek,taking your hand away from his.You hesitantly leaned forward,hugging him.Your body heat against him was calming.He was nervous to hug you back,not wanting you to pull away from him.He slowly raised his arms,pulling you closer to him. “Dont stress,JJ.Everything is okay.”You whispered.He sniffled. “I just want you to be happy...what will make you happy?”He asked,blinking away the tears.You ran your hand through his hair,your finger tips scratching his scalp lightly as you twirled your fingers. “Shhh...JJ,honey,you’ve got to calm down.”You whispered.He let out a small squeak,biting down on his lip as he rested his forehead against your shoulder. “Please dont leave...please.”He sobbed.The guilt ran through you,knowing you had caused JJ to be this upset with himself.You didnt say anything,you just continued to run your fingers through his hair.He felt his whole body heating up.His lips always got really hot and red when he cried,he didnt really know why.He moved,kissing your forehead lightly.The heat against your cool forehead made a shiver run down your spine. “JJ,look at me.”You whispered,lifting up his chin.He looked up at you,more tears falling from his eyes.He sniffled,staring into your eyes.

He leaned forward,kissing you lightly.You pulled away after a few moments,forehead still against his. “It’s three in the morning,if we want any energy tomorrow we should probably sleep.”You mumbled quietly.He frowned. “You’ll still be here when I wake up,right?”He asked.You nodded.He couldnt believe he was scared of you leaving to go to neverland.He didnt know if that was really what he was scared of though.In all honesty he was absolutely terrified you’d kill yourself or something.After that night JJ had always tried to stay close to you.He always wanted to be touching you in some way,holding your hand or having his arm around your waist.He stole you more poptarts,telling you where he’d gotten them from before you even asked.

He’d text you every morning when you two couldnt spend the day together and he’d call you at least three times a day.Everytime you didnt answer he’d feel his heart speed up anxiously.You’d always text him when you didnt answer,telling him that you were busy and that you’d call him later.Sometimes you didnt have the energy to answer his texts but he’d feel better seeing that you had at least read them.But one day you didnt answer his calls.He waited for a text from you to explain why you hadnt answered.He tried to convince himself that maybe you were in the shower or taking a nap or maybe out for a swim.He knew you werent.You’d always text him before you went out for a swim or took a shower.You always said the same thing. “Im hopping in the shower so dont get scared if I dont answer.Love you.”.He hadnt received that text yet.

He had bit his nails as he sat in the hammock. “Are you okay?You seem stressed.”Pope looked over at him.JJ gulped. “Im just scared about (Y/N).She’s not answering me and I dont know what to do.”He had explained.Kiara frowned. “Are you guys fighting?”She asked.JJ shook his head. “She hasnt read my texts and I checked when she was last active on instagram and it says three days ago.I dont wanna go to her house because I dont wanna seem clingy but she’s really starting to scare me.”He tapped his foot on the grass.Kiara nodded. “Maybe her phone is broken.”She shrugged.He shook his head. “I dont know.I have a bad feeling.”He frowned. “So lets take the boat and go check on her.”Pope sat up from the porch couch.John.B was at Sarah’s and he would understand why they were taking the boat.Pope drove,going through the water as fast as the boat allowed until they were at the dock in your backyard.

JJ hopped out,going to your back door and knocking on the wood.He tried calling again,hearing your phone ring from somewhere in the house.He reached over to the windowsill,moving the painted rock you kept there and grabbing the key.Kiara and Pope were close behind him,starting to become anxious as well.He turned the key in the door,opening it with such force that the door knob smacked against the side of your house.He walked in,calling your name.He approached your bathroom,his hands shaking as he reached for the door knob.He told himself he was being ridiculous,opening the door.He turned on the light,wincing and hoping that you werent there.You werent,but your phone was. “(Y/N)!”Kiara shouted,going into your bedroom.Your blankets and sheets were messy,pillows thrown around.The window was wide open,your dresser knocked over. “JJ!”She shouted.He sprinted through the house,catching himself on your door frame.His breath hitched in his throat.There was no way.

There was no fucking way that you had actually left.That wasnt possible.Peter Pan wasnt real.But robbers were.Maybe someone had broken into your window and kidnapped you.That theory didnt make sense either because nothing had been missing and you always kept your bedroom window locked.You promised you wouldnt leave him.Maybe you had been forced to leave.He had to figure it out.He had to have you back.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

a few years back now, i wrote a big d&m post about this pic. about how in 2011, i was depressed/anxious, lonely and feeling lost. when i posted the pic originally in 2013, i was still very deep in that mindset as well.

however, 10 years on, i realise that those feelings, although brought on by the toxic environment i was in at the time (let’s not even get started on that), and my views of myself at 15/16 were false. life obviously had bigger and more dramatic things to give me at 25/26 than “you’ll never be desirable to men if you never learn to shut your mouth like a REAL WOMAN does” and such other poisonous comments i was receiving at school from staff. those comments were just a blip in time. but i’ve learnt that those comments were really a reflection of the gross patriarchal views of the church (as well as society in general) which i was so fucking happy to “escape from” (ah the dramatic queen i was) at the time by moving schools.... but those views are not a reflection of me as a person.

for everyone whose landed in teaching, please know that if you make these types of comments to your students, it really does affect them. it took me 10 years to grapple with and tackle my self esteem to the point where i am confident in who i am; all because some petty teachers didn’t like how outspoken and loud i was as at 15/16. like y’all. let teen girls be a bit feral, loud and opinionated. it doesn’t hurt for them to try that on and then discard it after a period of time, or possibly never (like i never have- except i’m no longer feral lol).

although many of my teen opinions that i find on tumblr through my archive or my facebook memories are problematic as hell and some of them i now find completely unrelatable..... at least i know i’ve grown in the years since. and it’s also funny that i don’t even look up to the musicians and actors that always bore the advice of “be yourself and see who likes you for you” or whatever the fuck general platitudes they gave for self confidence advice to fans; anymore. how times change.

and although these comments were extremely hurtful at the time, i have always known that i am more than my perceived desirability to men. i am obviously still loud and opinionated; but i know now that my opinion is sometimes not needed on things... which is unlike teenage me, who liked shooting her mouth off every 5 minutes just for funsies. i have always been whole on my own, and those comments were a counter to that belief.... because as patriarchal assholes always love to ask and state: “what is a woman without her/a man? nothing.” uh, no. she’s a whole ass person, you fuck. there’s a reason that one of my fave lyrics of all time is “im not here for your entertainment, you don’t wanna mess with me tonight”. to me, it means i’m not going to entertain anyone who thinks i’m not a whole ass person on my own. don’t fuck with me if you think a woman always needs a man to be whole.

basically the vibe of this post is just to let people grow in their own fucking time, and don’t try to force growth through guilt-tripping. personal growth is a messy ride for everyone. even more so today, with social media being such a general suck on people’s self worth.

a whole ass decade ago i was depressed, anxious, lonely and feeling lost. obviously, the lost bit is still there, because who doesn’t experience the lost feeling from time to time- and even more so during a worldwide pandemic -(that’s a big storm you’ve got coming honey)- but life is transitory and fickle. and yes i still have my down days. and yes i still grapple with my anxiety and depression. but i am enough. i am loved.

a whole ass decade ago i thought i was worthless, stupid and every other negative word in the dictionary. i felt numb and alone. in retrospect, i got through uni and still have my knowledge; even though i had to admit to myself that i had to drop out of my postgrad course due to burnout, and also realised that librarianship just wasn’t for me. i was also forced to quite literally physically feel things while in hospital, considering that i begged for anaesthesia for literally everything all the time 😂. bitch gotta feel at some point. might as well do it now.

back in 2011, i felt as though i couldn’t connect with anyone anymore. *just throw any mid 2000s/early 2010s emo song lyrics about feeling disconnected, inadequate and depressed here*. and yeah, it’s true. i still have those days where i feel like that. but i’ve got a few friends who like me for me, still. no matter how fucking messy i am.

personal growth hurts sometimes.... in every aspect of your being. growth is slow. and other times, incredibly rapid (such as my time in icu which is my decade reality check). and you know what? i got through it all as the ☀️ girl i was deemed as being back then 😂.

sometimes, in the end, you have to approach life from the sunny side up and laugh- which i can now do- since 10 years have come to pass to divorce me from my awkward, rebellious & punky teenage self. little miss sunshine has woken up to know that somebody loves her always (okay that’s my nephew) and continually lives in an endless pandemic hell as if every day is her weekend and every year is her year (okay not really- 2020 was a nightmare for everyone- let’s be real here). little miss sunshine knows that she’s whole on her own even on her bad days. she’s okay. and that’s fine.

or as one of my long time fave songs says: “stay awake, get grip and get out/you’re safe from the weight of the world/just take a second to set things straight/i’ll be fine even though i’m not always right/i can count on the sun to shine.” (c’mon we all knew this would come out).

[megastarstriker]

★{𝗡𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗡𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗹}★

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{ℕ𝕀𝕂𝕂𝕀 𝕊𝕀𝕏𝕏 𝕏 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻𝔼ℝ}

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𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: Bullying and Abuse, Slight Cussing, Depression and Anxiety 

Contains: FLUFF AND ANGST

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: Nikki Sixx x Asperger’s! Female Reader

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝘾𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩:

Summary: (Y/N) a 13 year old girl goes to her first day in high school. Despite the hard attempts and making friends because of her socially awkwardness she finds herself distracted by a certain boy in her class. (Note: This isn’t made for discrimination or stereotypes to people who go through anxiety, depression or have autism. This is all real stuff and written for the sake of notice and to betaken seriously. I won’t be portraying any kind of offensive or critical stereotypes nor will ever in this one-shot. This was based on personal experience and point of view. IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION AND ARE TRIGGERED BY THESE SAME THEMES. PLEASE DO NOT READ FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. AND IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM EITHER ONE, PLEASE FIND SUPPORT OR HELP, WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU EVEN IF YOU DONT THINK SO WE ARE. WE WILL HELP YOU GET THROUGH IT, AND IN THE END IT WILL HELP YOU ALOT💕 )

𝙏𝙖𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩: @metalheartofgold, @ginny-rose-sixx, @xxqueencolourxx​, @littlemisscare-all​,

💕 LOVE YOU GUYS AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANNA GET TAGGED  💕 

Keys:

(Y/N) - Your Name

(L/N) - Last Name

{Photos and gifs aren’t mine they belong to their owners. I only own the editing} 💕

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 ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆  ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆  ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆  ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆  ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

 1971

“Mommy, what if the other kids don’t like me or hate me.....”, I managed to utter out as I looked at her through a glimpse as I looked down at my shoes, while sitting on the stool near the counter. 

“Oh Honey, don’t say that, you know that’s not true.”, Mom said in a cheery voice as she was working on breakfast listening to me as she did,” Some of those kids will like you. Might even want to be your friend.”

I looked up at my mom only glancing at her back as she was stirring the ingredients in a bowl, my attitude and mood not changing from its gloom state as I heard those positive words, as it should.’ Is she only saying that to make me feel better?’ I thought in my head as I felt a bit angry at the thought, a bit happy too that she cared, though it didn’t change my idea of it nonetheless. 

......

......

......

“They think I’m a freak and a monster.....”, I said suddenly without emotion my voice breaking a bit as I felt tears building up a bit on my eyes at the idea of it, trying my best not let them crawl and trace down my cheeks as I didn’t want her to see me cry.

My mom then turned around from what she was doing in the kitchen towards me her eyes widening at what I said, almost dropping the pan she was holding that held a small stack of pancakes, as she heard those sharp and painful words out of my mouth. She gulped slightly making me quirk an eyebrow, waiting for a response and obviously worried and confused for her silence, feeling insecure as I awaited her answer. She then put the pan down and walked towards me kneeling down unto my level as I tried my best to dry roughly at the tears. Only for her to gently push them away from my face and take her soft and delicate hands and brush the tears away with her fingertips as she grabbed my face gingerly, her eyes filled with concern as she did.

“You are not a freak or a monster....Ok. and definitely not a monster.”, My mom corrected me sincerely as she said in a whispering tone to me letting her forehead connect with mine as her gaze met mine.” You are just different from the rest of the other kids.”

“You are special.”, She said as she kissed my forehead, embracing me as she did, returning the hug it a few moments later as I registered the action in my brain. Letting my arms wrap around her for warmth and comfort, as I left the few remaining tears drop unto her clothed shoulder, cursing myself for it.

......

......

......

“Yeah Right.”, I muttered under my breath sarcastically as I replayed the events from this morning. Holding a pen and flicking it repeatedly, as I felt my anxious state grow with every step I took towards what was now called my school, trying to take my stress away roughly at the writing utensil gripped tightly at my hand as I repeated the process. This was a soothing technique for me for whenever I felt overly stressed or anxious in a situation. Despite the annoying sound it would do, I couldn’t help but feel calm and relief wash over me as I felt the tensing energy leave my body, easing my breathing, nerves, and muscles. I then stopped as I calmed down putting the pen on my pocket as I released a sigh, gripping my bag tightly.

------

This wasn’t the first time my mother has said or used the word special in those exact occasions. To be honest there was nothing special about me. This wasn’t my first school that I was attending either. I’ve been to many, and seen many faces from kids my age and younger to teachers and parents. Despite their differences they have one thing in common when it came to me. They all gave me the same look. Whether it was pitiful or dirty it didn’t matter. All the different kids from different schools gave me that same stupid and meaningless face. At first I thought it was because I was new to them, but then I started to quickly realize it wasn’t just that.....I was a shy girl so I never really understood at that time. All those times I would try to talk to people or waiting for them to approach me as I sat alone calmly doing my work....Being friendly and confident as possible as I greeted them with the best and nicest smile I could muster on my young face...They never responded back they simply whispered something to another kid and simply left me standing there stranded as they went to play with the other kids... Avoiding me entirely even when I went to speak with them again....Sometimes I tried asking the kids if I could play but they would either ignore me and walk away or say that It wasn’t a game for me to play......

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Was I not suppose to talk to them?”

“Why aren’t they talking to me?”

Those were some of the thoughts I had, but I knew those weren’t the exact reasons, knowing fully well I wasn’t bad when it came to speech or greetings when I talked to other people. The teachers blamed me for it of course, when I asked them why the other kids avoided me.

“Maybe if you weren’t and acted like such a freak, they would be talking to you.”, One Teacher I remembered bitterly saying to me with the fakest smile as she then turned her back towards me walking away from my small frame not caring whether those words struck my small heart or tear up and cry.

------

I shook my head and decided to think of something else as my sneakers grazed the cement floor on the sidewalk. I then looked towards the sky seeing the sun shinning and the pure white clouds forming picturesque structures as they floated above. ‘I wonder if there is any people living in those fluffy clouds?’, I thought with a smile,’ Is there such a thing as cloud puppies too!?’ 

I giggled a bit as I thought about what a cloud puppy would look like. Sort of like a poodle or    but more fluffier and soft fur like marshmallows and cotton candy combined.  “Are clouds tasty?”, I whispered out loud as I kept staring at the edible-looking clouds, ‘They do look a lot like cotton candy....so maybe.’

I then starred at my feet laughing at the thought, only for then to look up and noticed that I was already in front of the school.

I gulped as I was frozen in place.

“Here goes nothing”, I said to myself a bit nervously as I let my feet drag slowly towards the horrors of what was now officially called my school.

Walking towards the doors of the school, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of nausea hit me, totally uncomfortable on how all of this was going to go. After I enter the entrance to the school through the double doors I couldn’t help but notice one unnormal thing.

Empty halls.

‘Weird.’, I thought in my head with a raised eyebrow.,’ I thought it would be crowded by this time.’

Reading the letters on top of the doors, I checked to see my assigned class as I looked at each one on both sides of me in the empty halls. Seeing the exact one I enter it only for then to see a crowd of unfamiliar faces turned all of their heads in sync towards me.

I then closed it behind me with a jitter in my hands as I felt belittled by all the beady eyes of the students that were staring at me while sitting in there sits.

“Mrs.(Y/N), You’re late!”, A female voice said harshly next to me.

I then turned towards the origin of the voice to my right, seeing it was a middle aged woman with long hair that was tied up into a bun and was wearing glasses underneath her brown caramel eyes. Her faced was adorned with makeup and an angry scowl in her face as her eyes met mine, obviously unhappy and pissed.

“Care to explain why?.”, She said in a dominant tone, and with stern eyes as she crossed her arms across her chest and her heels clicked underneath the marble floor of the classroom as she tapped her foot impatiently.

“I-i....”, I started with a stammer and whisper obviously nervous and uneasy about all of the students who were staring at me in the front of the class.,”I-im sorry..”

‘Way to go me....’, I thought sarcastically at myself as I said those words.

The teacher squinted her eyes with a humph, only to then close them. Then as if on cue....

An erupting choir of laughter resounded in the entirety of the room in sync as all of the kids started to laugh at me. In that moment I felt humiliated and irritated,  I wanted to just throw myself in a box and at the same time tell the kids to shove their mouths up their own asses to shut them up. But I felt completely vulnerable at the moment unknowing of what to say. as I felt small....

‘So much for good impressions.’, I thought in defeat as I looked down at the floor.

“Quiet down class, quiet down!”, The teacher said as she stared at room full of teens as they all kept quiet some of them still snickering softly, or trying to control the laughter that was still trying to emit from their lips.

“I’ll let you off with a warning since you did apologize, after all. The next time though I won’t and you will be sent to the principal’s office as punishment if this repeats. Understood.”, She said a bit more warmly still keeping a strict poise as she turned towards me.

I nodded slowly of course as I listen to her words looking down a bit ashamedly as I did.” Yes Mrs....”

“Mrs. Johnson.”, She said with a small smile and then she gestured towards the empty seat,” You can go ahead and sit next to Frank over there in the back.”

I then followed her arm towards were she was exactly pointing and to my thoughts, there was a boy with an orange pale button up shirt in the far back right next to were my assigned seat was, looking and snapping his thoughts towards the teacher as he heard his name from the teacher’s mouth. I gulped ‘Why the far back?’ I then looked towards the front row and saw the whole aisle filled students already, ‘Oh that’s why...’

Taking a deep breath, I stepped towards through the rows of filled seats, hearing whispers or name-callings as I walked past them towards my seat. Of course I glared at the students a bit in front of me while also trying to put a fake smile for them as I tried my best to ignore their harsh and childish remarks. As I reached the desk, I couldn’t help but notice the “Frank” boy from earlier stare at me from the corner of my eyes as I sat beside him, knowing that he wasn’t in the beginning until he heard his name being called. His bright green eyes observing me as I put my backpack close to my side and slumped into my seat. I then saw as the boy stared for a few seconds at me more before looking away from me in boredom just like a few minutes earlier. 

As he looked away, I couldn’t help but stare at him as I got good look at him clearly compared to when I was in the front of the class. “Frank” had brown blondish hair that was a bit long and slicked back neatly, green and slightly dark eyes as the color of leaves in the trees during springs or summer as they stared boredly away as one hand was held towards his cheek, leaning his elbow against and touching the table on his desk propping his head up, wearing his orange pale button up shirt and white pants, along with some sneakers. 

“Cute.”, I whispered a bit too loudly as I stared at him my cheeks dusting with a violent red as I realized what words fell from  my mouth. Frank being near me ,considering he was beside me and the whole class was quiet at the moment, turned his head to me as he heard what I said with a confused face, either not catching what I just heard or uncomfortable with what I said from my understanding. I then stared to the front away from him, my shoulders tense, my face completely red, and my heart beating out as if it were to rip away from my ribcage and body. I breathed steadily and sighed, as I felt his stare drift away as he huffed a bit going back to his usual stuff to staring at nothing. ‘Geez, what are you thinking girl.....’, I scolded at myself with a mental facepalm,’ You already messed it up with coming late, now your making it worse by telling a boy he is cute....Ugh, at least I hope he didn’t hear me.’

The teacher started lesson as if a few minutes prior and after the incident. Staring mindlessly at the chalkboard, I couldn’t help but feel a bit tired and suddenly....bored as I tuned out the teachers words. ‘School sucks.’, I thought for a moment before a lightbulb suddenly went above my head with a silent yawn,’ I’m gonna draw.’

I then took my separate drawing pad, pen and pencil, while flipping to and empty page. I then started to work my magic as I began to doodle what was on my mind as ideas spurred through my brain. I was pondering on what to draw as I held the pen close to my chin. I had a great influence and overall interest in music, I loved it so much especially when it came to rock music. Because of that, I wanted to become a musician or songwriter one day. I then thought about drawing puppies or rockstars.....

I then did just that as I drew cute little doodles of puppies along with a rockstar sketch of my favorite musician. As I kept listening at the teacher to the class while also distracting myself with some quality time for me, I noticed something soft yet solid grazing shoulder slightly, landing at next to my feet on the floor. It was a crumbled up piece of paper that was made into a ball. Rolling my eyes, I didn’t think any of it as I kept tracing my pen on the paper. 

‘Psst. Hey.’ 

Fixated on the paper I kept on drawing cute little stars and details on the drawing oblivious to the person that was calling someone else, whoever did. 

‘Psst!’

This time it was a bit more louder but still made into a whisper as I didn’t bother to check who it was that made the noise.

I then felt another hard thud on my shoulder this time still soft but harsh as the solid material hit me directly. Leaving my eyes from the paper as I had an angry frown in my face obviously annoyed at the person who threw the paper at me, I looked towards the person who made the ‘psst’ sound again only to see that it was the so called ‘Frank’ boy from earlier. 

He then gestured towards the crumbled sheet of paper in front of my desk. I narrowed my brows at him, with suspicion but complied either way so he could stop bothering me, despite the fact he seemed friendly. Grabbing the crumbled sheet, I heard the sound of the bell ringing before I could open it. The class was then dismissed but before I could read the note that the boy passed to me. I felt a harsh shove as I fell back on the seat causing the note to fall from my hands and into the floor, nobody noticing as they let their dirty shoes graze and paint the paper. Seeing that everyone left including the person that shoved me by accident, I went to pick up the note from the ground only to see that it was indeed painted with shoe prints and ripped in half harshly. ‘Ugh...’ I groaned in disgust as I went to the trash to throw it away,’ I hope it wasn’t something important that I needed to know.’

I then looked towards the back of the class were Frank was, only to find out he wasn’t there anymore. Frowning a bit at the thought as I was hoping maybe I could talk to him, I went towards were all the students were going....probably the cafeteria..

‘Maybe I’ll see him there’, I thought lightening up a bit with a smile.”

‘We’ll even be friends probably....”

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{AUTHORS NOTE}

Hey there I hope you all enjoyed this little miniseries I’m doing. The reason I made this was because of personal experience in my early years in high school, and I felt I had to write them down. I also wondered how it will be like if Sixx to ever meet a girl with autism. I’ll be uploading part two as soon as I can of course .hope you liked it and Thank you for reading.

💗{LIKE OR REBLOG TO SAVE}💗

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 7 - Fantasy Suites

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 7k (i’m finally chilling tf out)

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural​, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @the-moving-finger-writes​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @rose-writes-prose​, @queenlover05​, @moon-stars-soul​, @danadeacon​, @deacyblues​, @thesundrop​, @cupidben​, @lostlittlenerd​, @delilahmay39​, @timmvrphy​, @queenmylovely​, @loveandbeloved29​, @free-pool-trash​, @fairestkillerqueenofall​, @local-troubled-writer​, @babyalienfairy​, @littlecarowrites​, @allthethingsicant​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @mirkwoodshewolf​, @squishy-gay-astronaut​, @sherlollydramoine​, @butlegendsneverdie​, @dogmom2014​, @rocketrhap917​, @26-7-49​, @lelifesaver​, @frozenhuntress67​, @drowsebaby​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: I’m sorry this took so long and that it’s a little shorter. Writing has been hard as I’ve been really depressed this week. We moved my grandfather to a hospice house and dancing (the only thing that keeps me sane) has been cancelled. Anyway, I hope y’all are all staying healthy and safe :)

Warning(s): OKAY I thought about doing some smut in this chapter, but then decided against it. I don’t think it fits the format, since so far it’s been like watching the show. That being said, I got as steamy as I felt was cool. So, it’s steamy but it’s not like completely NSFW. I hope y’all enjoy :)

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3  Week 4  Week 5  Week 6

Week 7 here we go!!!

The flight to New Zealand was long and tiring. It took almost an entire twenty four hours of travel. You tried to get some rest, but it was tough, since your heart was still breaking for Rami. It did not ease your pain to remind yourself that it was the right choice. It was the toughest breakup so far. And you were anxious because it only got harder. Especially because you were in love with the three remaining men.

This of course, made your decision even more difficult. You needed these overnight dates to determine who was further along and who was ready for a proposal. But the overnight aspect did have you a bit nervous.

Sex didn’t frighten you. But it usually deepened your feelings, so you needed to know how they felt before going to bed with them. And whether or not they were truly ready to commit themselves to you.

After a day to recover, you had your first date. It was with Joe, which of course, excited you. Joe’s hometown had been wonderful, but you needed to know if he loved you. If he was in this as deep as you were.

Joe: I think I’m more nervous this week than I’ve ever been before. Knowing that Y/N and I could have the night together and take our relationship to the next level is really important to me. I also know that I’m in love with her and I need to tell her. My biggest frustration is that I know she can’t say it back. But I need some sort of validation because I’m starting to lose my mind a little bit. I didn’t think this whole journey was gonna be this hard…

You were meeting Joe in Hobbiton, where Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies were filmed. You were stoked when you got to the bar in Ireland based on The Shire, but now you were getting as close to the real thing as possible. It was an odd combination of nerves and thrill for you. You hoped you got to where you needed to be with Joe because you weren’t ready to say goodbye.

You beamed at him as he approached, your heart easing at his familiar form. He started to jog over when he saw you. When he reached you, he scooped you up in his arms as you laughed together. He set you down so he could kiss you.

“Hey,” he said quietly when your lips parted.

“Hey,” you returned sweetly. “Are you ready for today?”

“I’m stoked,” he assured you.

“Well, we’re touring Hobbiton,” you said with a smile. “So I think it’s gonna be great!”

You took his hand and led him up the path to Bag End. There, you met a guide, who began to walk you through the entire set. It was so cool to see everything in person and to witness the work that went into making such a huge, legendary film. The sun was shining and you felt it made the grass around you almost glow green. It was the loveliest day. After the tour, you sat together at The Green Dragon Inn, each with a drink. You toasted to your journey and took a sip.

“So, how are you feeling after last week?” Joe asked. “I know this is getting harder for you as the feelings get deeper.”

That was what you loved about Joe. He understood you, and never made you feel bad that this was the situation you were in.

“I’m okay,” you told him. “Obviously, last week was difficult, saying goodbye to Rami, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I’m optimistic about what this week will bring. Hopefully, it’s clarity.”

“I hope that for you as well,” he said. “I’m glad to hear you’re staying positive. Getting too caught up in the heartbreak...it’ll just bring you down. And I really want you to be happy.”

“That’s what I want too,” you said. “That’s the reason I’m here, y’know?”

“It’s the reason we’re all here,” he replied.

You each sipped your drinks some more and chatted about the experience. The day slipped by all too quickly. Before you knew it, it was time to part ways and get ready for the evening portion of the date. You carefully selected your dress. It was going to be a big night after all.

You met at the hotel where you were staying, and had a patio table all to yourselves. The lighting was low, just candles and soft, yellow bulbs. Drinks and dinner were set out and waiting for you. Joe pulled your chair out and let you sit, before taking the chair next to you.

“So,” you said. “Here’s to a wonderful day, and an even more wonderful evening.”

“Cheers, baby,” he replied.

You clinked glasses. When you set them down, you looked at him.

“So, I know this is a weird date,” you said. “There’s no rose to hand out, but there is something at the end, and I -”

“Y/N, I’m gonna stop you right there,” he said. “I know that it’s the fantasy suite, and I just want to tell you there’s no pressure. I’m really happy with where we are.”

You smiled. “I am too.”

He took a deep breath. “Honestly, there was only one thing I regretted about last week in New York.”

“Oh?” you wondered, brow furrowing. “What’s that?”

“I should have been honest with you,” he said. “The truth is, Y/N, I’m in love with you. Spending this day together only solidified that for me. I love you. With my whole heart.”

A smile spread slowly across your face as he spoke.

“Joe, I…” you trailed off, stopping yourself before saying what was on your heart. But only because you couldn’t say it. If you were not the Bachelorette, you would have told him that you loved him too.

“Thank you for telling me,” you said. “It means so much.”

“I just want to keep you informed with where my heart is,” he said. 

You beamed at him and leaned over to kiss him. Even kissing him felt better with his feelings out in the open. When you parted, you were still smiling.

“So,” you said, reaching over to the table and retrieving an envelope there. “We have this little offer here, and I’d like you to read it.”

You handed him the envelope. He opened it up and read over the words once before reading it aloud with a little grin on his face.

“Y/N and Joe,” he began. “Welcome to New Zealand. I hope you’ve enjoyed the lush world of Hobbiton today. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison.”

“What do you think?” you asked with a smirk.

“I’d love to spend the night with you,” he said, but you detected some hesitation there.

“But?”

“No buts,” he replied with a small laugh. “I just want you to know that I meant what I said before. There’s no pressure. We don’t have to do anything-”

You cut him off with a deep kiss.

“Joe,” you said. “I’m attracted to you. You make me feel so loved and desired. So, let’s go up to the fantasy suite and explore that more.”

He smiled. “Whatever you want, Y/N. I love you.”

You grinned wider at him. Then, taking his hand, you led him away and up to the main part of the hotel. Your suite was on the top floor so you took the elevator. For the whole ride, your heart was pounding. Your skin felt hotter each time he squeezed your hand. You were tempted to begin things right at that moment, but you had to wait until you were off camera.

After two agonizing minutes, the elevator dinged and opened its doors. You and Joe were both clearly holding back from running to the room. When you made it to the suite, he opened the door, and you saw the whole romantic set up. There were candles everywhere. A bottle of champagne sat on ice in the kitchen, with two glasses on the counter. Rose petals made a path from the front door to the bedroom door.

“This is beautiful,” you said, looking around.

“It really is,” he agreed. “But honestly, I wanna kiss you so bad, I can’t focus on it.”

“Well then,” you said. “Come here and kiss me.”

He made it to you in two strides, his lips claiming yours in the most heated kiss of your life. Your stomach lurched with fresh desire as he nipped at your bottom lip. You moaned into his mouth. He lifted you off your feet when you coiled your arms around his neck. Then he carried you into the bedroom, kicking the door shut. Finally, the cameras and producers were gone and it was just the two of you.

You were still kissing Joe when he set you back on your feet. You had become frantic with need for him. He chuckled into your kisses.

“Y/N,” he said, taking hold of your shoulders. “Y/N, slow down.”

You bit back a whine as he gently pushed you away.

“We’ve got all night,” he said. “We don’t have to rush.”

“The sooner we do it,” you returned. “The sooner we can do it again.”

He threw his head back and laughed. You smiled.

“Okay, we can go as many times as you like, but for our first time together, I really…” he trailed off. “I really wanna make love to you.”

“I’d love that,” you told him with a smile.

Your heart melted at his sentiment, but you had not lost any of the desire. You turned your back to him and moved your hair aside so he could unzip your dress. You heard him step toward you. Then his hands were on the zipper, the top of which was right at the nape of your neck. You gasped at the contact as your body begged for more.

Inch by inch, he lowered the zipper. You shivered when the air hit your back before Joe leaned down and kissed the newly exposed skin. You bit your lip.

He turned off your mic pack, which was at your lower back, and removed it, tossing it away. The straps of your dress fell from your shoulders. You faced him again. The fabric fell away from your body, revealing your bare chest to him. You hadn’t worn a bra. Joe sucked in a sharp breath as his eyes flickered down to your breasts before returning to your face.

“Like what you see?” you teased.

“Love it,” he said, pulling you into his arms again. “I love you.”

You giggled. “You can’t stop saying it.”

“No, nor will I,” he returned firmly.

You smiled again.

The way Joe made love to you was like nothing you had ever experienced before. It was slow, deliberate, and deep. He reached your very soul. He showed you the strength of his love with every kiss, every thrust, and every soft whisper of your name. Love was not just a word to Joe. It was something that required action. And you saw after that night that he was steadfast and strong. There was no doubt that he truly loved you. He showed you four times.

When you woke beside him the next morning, tucked safely in his arms, you smiled and hummed contentedly. You snuggled down closer. It almost made you wince, since your body was sore. It was the sweetest soreness you had ever felt. Joe shifted, eyes fluttering open. His smile was the only one that could match your own.

“Hey,” you whispered.

“Morning, beautiful,” he replied, voice low with the morning.

“How’d you sleep?” you asked.

“Wonderfully,” he said. “You?”

“The best sleep I’ve had in months,” you answered with a giggle.

“Good, then I did my job,” he joked.

You laughed again as he rolled half on top of you. He lowered his lips to yours. It was a soft and delicate kiss, since neither of you wanted to heat things up again without proper time. When he pulled back, he looked into your eyes.

“I think I could do this forever,” he said.

“What?” you asked.

“Wake up to you,” he said.

“Me too,” you returned. 

You cupped his cheek in your hand. The urge to tell him your feelings arose again. But you didn’t want to confuse him or hurt him. On the other hand, you felt it so strongly. He deserved some validation, didn’t he?

“Joe, I love you,” you said, so quietly you wondered if you had even said it aloud. But the look on his face told you that you did.

His eyes widened at first. Then, his brow furrowed. He was wondering if he’d heard you right. Then, all that melted away into the biggest grin you’d ever seen on his lips.

“Y/N, I can’t tell you what it means to hear you say that,” he said. “I love you.”

“I love you,” you returned.

It felt so right like this. But then, reality set in. Joe had to return to his hotel. You had two other dates this week. Two other men, who you also adored. As you got up and dressed, you tried not to despair.

You held it together well enough until it was time for Joe to go. He had his backpack slung over his shoulder and he was standing by the door. You slid your arms around him and buried your face in his chest.

“I don’t want you to go,” you said, voice shaking.

He kissed the top of your head. “I wish I didn’t have to, baby.”

You held each other for a long moment as a lump formed in your throat. You sniffled, but tried to hide it, burrowing further into him. He still noticed.

“Hey…” he said gently, pulling away to look at your face. “Hey, don’t cry, honey, I’ll see you soon.”

He wiped a stray tear with his thumb. Then, he pressed his lips to your forehead. Slowly, he detached himself from you. He had to, or you would have held him there all day.

“See you later,” he said. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” you choked out.

He gave your hand one last squeeze before releasing it and walking through the door. You closed it behind him. You leaned back against it and sank down to the floor, pulling your knees into your chest. Your heart was aching, and you just hoped you hadn’t made a mistake by confessing to Joe.

You had to travel later that day, since your next date was hours away, on the coast. Missing Joe terribly, you made your way to Papamoa Beach, where you would have a date with Ben the following day. The thought of seeing Ben raised your spirits.

The morning of your date, you were feeling much better. You had so much to look forward to with Ben. He was fun and cheerful and had the sweetest heart. And this date was going to be really cool.

You met him on the beach, wearing just a pair of shorts over your bathing suit. Ben came out onto the sand, looking straight out of a magazine in his tank top and swim trunks. You waved to him and he jogged over to you, planting an enthusiastic kiss on your lips when he reached you. You beamed at him as you parted.

“So, what have you got in store for today?” he asked.

“Something super fun,” you told him. “Since you’re so active, I know you’ll love it.”

“Now, I’m very curious,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“Come with me,” you said, taking his hand.

Together, you walked down the beach, where a tall, broad man with long dark hair was waiting for you. He was extremely tan, so you figured he spent most of his days out here.

“Hello, Y/N and Ben,” he said with a thick New Zealand accent. “I’m AJ and I’m your surfing instructor for today. Have either of you ever surfed before?”

“I have,” Ben said. 

“I have not,” you admitted.

“Alright, that’s perfectly fine,” AJ said. “We teach all ages and skill levels. We’ve got some suits and boards waiting for you in there.”

He pointed to the building of the surf school. You and Ben went in and got changed. When you came back out, Ben looked you up and down before biting his lip. You stifled a giggle.

Ben: I’m having such a wonderful time on this date. Y/N looks amazing in that bodysuit, so I am so grateful tonight’s the fantasy suite because it’s getting harder and harder to keep my hands off her. Obviously, it’s all up to her, I’m thrilled just to hold her, but I am ready for more. To take our relationship further and grow more together.

You were each given a board and then you followed AJ. He gave you some instruction on the sand - and some important safety information - but before you knew it, you were in the water, paddling out to beyond where the waves were starting. AJ went over a few more basics, and helped you find your balance on the board.

Ben tried to ride a wave first, since he had done it before. He looked so good out there. He smiled, tongue poking out between his teeth, and he glided through the water on the crest of the wave. You wondered how many times he had done this because he didn’t seem nervous. He had clearly mastered the art.

You had no such luck. Even keeping in mind everything AJ told you, your timing was off when you tried to stand up, and the wave knocked you clear off the board. The ocean tossed you around a minute as the wave moved past you. Then you kicked up toward the surface. You sucked in air and wiped your eyes as you broke it.

You were already laughing along with Ben and AJ. You knew it looked hilarious. Ben’s smile was infectious as you climbed back on the board and paddled back to where he waited for you.

“It was a great try, love,” he said through his laughter.

“You’re just being nice, it was terrible,” you returned.

“Not to worry,” AJ assured you. “There’s still lots of ocean for you to try.”

You made several more attempts. Ben did as well, nailing it over and over again. You, on the other hand, were missing the mark. It got to the point where you were actually getting frustrated.

“Come on, love,” Ben said at last. “Don’t pout. You can do it.”

“Ugh,” you groaned, to his amusement.

“Try one more time,” he encouraged. 

You met his eyes, and at the look on his face, your resentment ebbed away. He wasn’t being condescending or spouting empty words of praise. He really believed in you.

With a determined smirk, you got back on the board. You waited a minute or two before you saw it coming - the perfect wave. Eagerly, you began to paddle forward. You were going to get it this time. You had to.

You rode it until just before it crested. You popped up onto your feet. You didn’t fall! You were riding the wave! Adrenaline surged through you as you surfed - properly surfed! Your legs were wobbly, but you didn’t fall until the wave crashed, and you went down. But this time, you went down having accomplished the goal. When your head broke the surface again, Ben was already beside you, pulling you out of the water and onto his board.

“That was amazing, love!” he cheered.

“I did it!” you cried.

“You did it!” he affirmed.

He sat you down beside him and kissed you. Your mouths were wet and salty from being in the ocean all day, but you didn’t care. You had triumphed because he supported you. His hands found their way to the sides of your face as he deepened the kiss.

“Incredible,” he said.

You chuckled. “You were incredible. I didn’t manage to actually do it until the end.”

“Well, I’m bloody proud of you,” he said.

“Thank you,” you said, beaming.

After the lesson, you returned to shore to have a small picnic. It was just cheese and crackers with some wine. The suits and boards, you returned to AJ. Then you both sat on the blanket, realizing you were starving, and went in on the food.

“So, where’d you learn to surf?” you wondered.

“In California,” he said. “We had a series of matches out there, and in my down time, I picked it up. Then I got my whole team doing it.”

“Well, it was super sexy,” you told him.

“You’re way sexier,” he argued. “Your body in that suit was...incredible.”

You flushed at his words and under his gaze. 

You chatted a little longer on the beach. Then it was time to prepare for the evening portion of the date. You were excited to be in a dress and makeup after Ben had watched you wipe out all day. Not that you minded being goofy around him, but tonight was big. You wanted to be beautiful and sexy.

You walked with him to a beach side bar that was reserved for you. The candlelight was soft and warm, and made you feel cozy despite the breeze. Ben pulled your chair out for you. You sat down together.

“Thanks for being so supportive today,” you said. “I was being such a baby.”

“No, you weren’t,” he assured you. “It’s natural to get frustrated at stuff like that.” 

“You were still so amazing to me,” you said. “I appreciate you so much.”

“Of course,” he said. “I love you.”

You were convinced you’d never grow tired of hearing those words from his mouth. Once again, you were struck with the desire to say it back. But you refrained. You were already feeling guilty for telling Joe, and you didn’t want to do the same thing with Ben. You smiled. 

“I feel like your hometown date went so well,” you said. “This is going in a direction that makes me excited. I feel so sure of you, Ben. I know it made me nervous when you told me that you’ve never been in love before, but I’m not now.”

“No?” he wondered.

You shook your head. “I can feel what you feel for me. And you show me every time we’re together.”

You took his hand and stared into his eyes. You felt the words coming up in your throat. Only, you couldn’t stop them. You felt them too powerfully.

“I love you too, Ben,” you said.

Inwardly, you kicked yourself. How did these guys make your resolve so weak? Not that you minded too much, but you felt like you were messing up. Like it wasn’t decent behavior for the Bachelorette.

Ben’s smile made your regret fade. It didn’t disappear entirely, but you felt better that you’d said it.

“I love you more,” he said.

“Oh, don’t start,” you joked.

You laughed together. When it died down, you squeezed his hand.

“We’ve come a long way,” you said. “This journey hasn’t always been easy, but I want to keep going with you.”

“I do too,” he said.

“So, there’s an envelope on the table,” you said. “Why don’t you open it and read what’s inside?”

He smiled - making your heart jump - and then reached over to pick it up. You waited with bated breath as he cracked open the seal and pulled out the card.

“Y/N and Ben,” he read. “Welcome to beautiful Papamoa Beach. I hope you enjoyed learning something new together. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison.”

“What do you say?” you wondered.

“I say absolutely,” he told you. “How could I not want more time with you?”

You giggled.

Just down the beach from the bar, production had put together a glamorous hut. It sat a good ways from the shoreline for when high tide came in, but you could still see the ocean from the doorway. Inside, there was a gorgeous queen bed. Candles and twinkle lights illuminated the one room structure with a soft, warm glow. Rose petals dotted the white comforter. Champagne was already iced down and waiting for you on the side table.

“Is this glamping?” Ben teased.

“This is definitely glamping,” you replied with a smirk.

“There’s nobody I’d rather glamp with,” he said.

“Same,” you returned.

With that, he closed the door to the cameras. You turned off your mic packs first thing. A beat passed as you looked at each other. Then you collided. It was all frantic tongue and teeth at first, desperate as you were to be close. You felt Ben’s hands at the back of your dress. He tugged the zipper down and it fell away from your body. You shoved his blazer off his shoulders and then quickly got to work on the buttons of his shirt.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he breathed onto your neck as he kissed you. “You’re so beautiful. I love you so much.”

“I love you, Ben,” you sighed back.

You kissed his chest when you opened his shirt up. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close. It forced you to pause. You stood there together, you just in your thong and he was shirtless. Your chests pressed together made you feel his heartbeat. It matched your own. Hot desire coursed through you. You wanted more, but he held you firmly.

“Just a minute,” he said. “Gotta breathe.”

You rested your head on his chest. You realized that you needed to breathe too. So, you caught your breath together. As you slowly inhaled and exhaled, you felt yourself uniting with Ben. Your hearts beat together. Your lungs worked together. Your bodies could have melted into each other. It was a moment of true tenderness, where your heart met his.

As your breathing evened out, both your hands began to roam. Fingers brushed deftly over sweltering skin. It sent a shiver up your spine to feel the feather lightness of his touch.

“How do you want this?” he asked.

You held his gaze. His pupils were blown wide with lust, but they were still that charming shade of green. You smiled. His eagerness to please you was not something you were used to. No man had ever asked for explicit instructions. 

“I want you in every way I can have you,” you told him. 

“Maybe I should clarify,” he chuckled. “How do you want me first? Tell me what will make you feel best.”

You blushed. “Really?”

He shrugged and rubbed your back. “What can I say? I’m an athlete, I like to be coached.”

“Well then,” you replied. “You can start by kissing me again.”

“I’ll kiss you forever.”

He claimed your lips once more, passionately. As your desire grew, you found it easier to tell him what you wanted. Ben was an attentive and giving lover. He seemed to thrive on your instructions and requests. It showed you the kind of man he was. He would do anything in the world for you. Your happiness was his happiness. Your pleasure was his pleasure. Your love was his love.

You and Ben only made love twice because he spent so much time exploring each other. He was so intent on making you feel amazing - something he accomplished over and over again. You’d never had so many orgasms in one night. And each one made you see stars. Your love for Ben ripened into deep passion. 

The next morning, Ben was awake before you. He rolled over and saw the morning light catch your hair, and he felt a pang of sadness. As much as he was enjoying this, his time with you was almost over. You had another date, and unfortunately could not spend the whole day together. Still, he watched you sleep a moment longer. 

When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he placed a soft kiss to your cheek. Even asleep, you smiled. You stirred and stretched slowly. Finally, your eyes opened and you took in Ben’s familiar form.

“Morning,” you yawned.

“Morning, love,” he replied. “Sorry if I woke you.”

“You can always wake me with kisses, hun,” you assured him.

He smiled half heartedly and looked away. You rolled onto your stomach and propped yourself up onto your elbows.

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“I’m just…” he sighed. “I’ll be very sorry to leave you today. I hate this.”

You cut your eyes away from him so he wouldn’t see you tearing up. 

“I hate this too.”

He gathered you up in his arms, laying you on his chest.

“I know I’ll see you again soon,” he said. “But I also know there are still two other men in this. I just...I don’t know if...I don’t want to make you feel guilty.”

“I’m sorry,” you said. “I can’t promise anything right now. I don’t even know what decisions I’ll make at this point. And it’s so unfair to you because I know what all of y’all need right now is some validation, and I just...I’m not able to do it, and I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shh, don’t apologize,” he soothed you, kissing the top of your head. “S’alright. It’s just getting more difficult for me, and I want you to know where my head’s at.”

“I get that,” you said. “I appreciate you being so honest with me, Ben. Really. I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but even though I can’t, I want to know what you’re thinking. And how you’re feeling.”

“I’ll do my best to be open,” he said. “But I want you to do the same for me. As much as you can. The last thing I want is to be blindsided.”

“I understand,” you said. “I will tell you my feelings as soon as I can. I never want to hurt you.”

“Thanks, love,” he said.

You had some breakfast before he had to leave. It was another gut-wrenching goodbye. Things were more serious with Ben than you had anticipated. And now you had told two men that you loved them. It hit you suddenly that you were going to break someone’s heart. And you still had one more date left in the week.

You felt heavy going into your date with Gwilym. Once again, you had to travel a bit to get to where you were meeting him. As excited as you were to see him, you were also terrified. You knew how you felt about Gwilym, and it was strong. You knew he felt similarly, though he hadn’t said outright that he loved you. You needed to clarify everything.

You met Gwilym just outside your destination. He smiled widely at you, and you rushed forward to jump into his arms. He caught you as you wrapped your legs around his waist and kissed him deeply.

“Well,” he chuckled as your lips parted. “I missed you too.”

“I hope you’re ready for today,” you replied.

He set you down, but kept a hold of your hand. 

“What are we getting up to?” he asked.

“We are at Polynesian Spa,” you explained. “We are going to get treated today and relax after all these crazy weeks. That sound good?”

“That sounds perfect,” he said.

You went inside together. You and Gwil got the full treatment. You started with facials, before moving on to a massage. Your body was physically relaxed, but your mind was sort of going wild. Luckily, the nature of this day helped you to forget about the stress of your situation. During your massage, you cleared your mind and let yourself live in this moment with Gwilym.

After your massage, you went out to a private pool that overlooked Lake Rotorua. The water was warm and soothing. You felt especially relaxed now after being pampered, and you just wanted to enjoy this time with Gwilym.

“I’m so glad we get to chill,” you said, moving closer and leaning into him. You rested your head on his shoulder.

“I am too,” he replied. “Has your week been difficult?”

“A bit,” you said. “I’m feeling the pressure of things even more now than I was before, and I know that feelings are going to get hurt and I just….this is getting hard.”

“I’m sorry, cariad,” he said gently, kissing your head. “We’re coming to the end. Your feelings are real. Of course it’s hard.”

“How are you feeling?” you wondered.

“I’m feeling really good about us,” he told you. “I feel like last week went well. My family adored you. Which affirmed my feelings a lot.”

“I liked your family a lot too,” you said. “Your mom mentioned how hard you took your fiance’s death and it showed me how much they care about you. I admire that.”

“Yes, I relied quite heavily on my family during that time,” he said. “I even stopped going to read to the children for a while. I was just...not at all myself.”

“It’s almost hard for me to imagine,” you said. “I feel like you’re such a wonderful person and you’re mostly positive.”

“Grief is a great complexity,” he said. “I still don’t understand a lot of what I went through. But I know that every step of my life has led me to you. And for that, I’m most grateful.”

You smiled and straightened up to look at him. Then you coiled your arms around his neck, splashing the water a little bit, and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“I’m so grateful I met you too,” you replied when you parted. “I thank God every day for it.”

He kissed you again. You stayed there, making out with him, for what felt like hours. You didn’t feel the sun or the water. Just Gwilym’s mouth on yours. You swore you steamed up the pool with the heat of the kisses. It made you grateful that tonight was the fantasy suite. You were so attracted to him, and you wanted to explore the physical connection some more.

As the sun began to set over the water, it was time to get ready for the evening portion of the date.

Gwilym: I’m excited about tonight. Y/N and I have a wonderful connection. We’ve been strong since the beginning. Truly, I could see us at the end of all this. I’m still falling steadily in love with her, and I want to explore our relationship further. I want to keep working on our relationship forever, hopefully.

You met up with Gwilym at a bar that had been reserved for the two of you. As relaxed as you’d felt earlier, your body was now tense. You needed to have a serious talk with Gwilym about the relationship and find out where he stood.

You sat down together at a little table. He pulled your chair out for you, and you thanked him. Then, he took up his drink as he sat beside you.

“To a wonderful day,” he said. “And the most incredible woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

“Cheers,” you giggled.

You clinked glasses and you each took a sip.

“So,” you said, setting your wine down. “I feel like we need to talk about where we are and how exactly we’re feeling.”

“I’m alright with that,” he said. “Would you like to start?”

“Sure,” you said. “Gwilym, I’m definitely falling in love with you. You have stood out to me since night one, and I think we’ve had a really solid relationship. I appreciate your honesty, how dedicated you are to this, and your vulnerability. I know I can see a future with you.”

He smiled as you spoke. 

“That’s lovely to hear,” he said. “I feel the same. We’re going strong. You’ve been as fair and honest in this whole process as you could, and I appreciate it. You make it so easy to be vulnerable with you because you are also so open. We’ve both really let our walls down. I fall more in love with you every day.”

You deflated a little. “So, that’s how you’re feeling. You’re falling in love with me?”

“Yes,” he told you. “That’s where my heart is.”

Your heart sank. So, he was falling behind. He noticed your expression shift.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

You sighed. “I feel like….we need to be further along than this.”

“How do you mean?” he pressed.

“You were falling in love with me back in London,” you said. “If you’re in the same place, then it means we’re not progressing.”

He took a sip of his drink, swallowing slowly as he returned it to the table.

“Where do you think we should be?” he wondered.

“I don’t know if we need to be at a certain place,” you said. “But we should be further along than we were a couple weeks ago. We need to be going forward.”

“Just because I’m still falling doesn’t mean we haven’t made progress,” he argued. “I need time to know you more. For me, falling in love….it’s a long way down before I can get there.”

“I understand that,” you said. “But I still feel like we’ve just...plateaued since our one on one. And if we’re going to get engaged soon, then I need to feel like we’re climbing.”

He didn’t answer. His eyes remained fixed on the table. Your heart was beginning to beat wildly against your rib cage. 

“Gwil, please, I -”

“Y/N, I can’t tell you that I’m in love with you while you’re still involved with two other men,” he said, cutting across you. “I want to be the one at the end of this who gets down on one knee, but I cannot fully give my heart to you until you can give yours to me.”

For a moment, it felt like all the air was sucked out of your body. It was such a confusing thing to hear. Did that mean that he was in love with you and he just wasn’t saying it? That felt like a betrayal, especially when he’d always promised to be honest with you.

“So…” you began, deciding to ask the blunt question. “Are you in love with me? It’s your pride that won’t let you say it because there are still two other guys here?”

He sighed. “That’s not it. I don’t think I can get there unless we’re getting there together. I’m not in love with you yet.”

“Gwilym, that doesn’t make any sense!” you cried. “You knew what this process was when you signed up for it. Don’t you think you need to be in love before you get engaged?”

“Yes, of course, that’s the idea,” he returned. “But, because this is a unique journey, I knew that I’d need to be actually proposing before I could feel like we can really love each other. I don’t have that confidence while the others are still here.”

“None of you can be absolutely confident,” you said. “I’m not even confident of what decision I’ll make right now. But you have to take a chance. I know my heart is being pulled in different directions right now, but if I don’t have confidence that you’re where I need you to be in order for me to accept a proposal from you...then I don’t know what we’re going to do, Gwil. Because I need to be in love before I can say yes to someone.”

“Joe and Ben...have they told you they’re in love with you?” he asked.

“You know I can’t tell you that,” you replied.

“Right, sorry,” he said. “But I am getting the impression that it’s not that we haven’t made progress, it’s that I haven’t made the same progress as they have.”

“This isn’t about them,” you said. “This is about me and you. Our relationship is not about what’s going on with the other relationships.”

“But you must compare them,” he said. “How else do you make a decision?”

“I make my decision based on what happens between each person,” you said. “Yeah, some comparison happens, but I evaluate everything individually.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to call you into question. You’ve been an excellent Bachelorette, but that’s just the thing. You’re the Bachelorette. If your heart really is being pulled in other directions, then can’t you understand why I struggle to feel confident?”

“I do,” you said. “And I’ve been in your shoes, remember? I’ve been on the other side of this. But I wasn’t afraid. I let myself take the chance and fall in love.”

A beat passed. He once again, did not answer. You took his hand.

“I’m doing the same thing now,” you said. “I love you, Gwilym.”

He stiffened and squeezed his fingers around yours.

“I…” he trailed off. “I’m sorry. I just can’t get there like this.”

You took a shaky breath, choking back tears. “So, what’s going to happen with us? Where are we going to go from here?”

“I dunno, Y/N,” he said. “I just don’t know.”

To be continued...

[topeve]

all the multiples of 8 for the asks!

i dont know any math so i naturally i had to google multiples of 8 

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something?

literally when i first started my job bc i was convinced i wasnt the right fit for it/wasn’t going to do a good job/was never going to be comfortable, but here i am almost 4 months later and it’s a vibe!

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities?

serious questions who??? idk, they tend to be charismatic, popular, etc. something about them sticks out more than everyone else i guess! i’m not really someone who is overly invested in any of their lives tbh

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day?

listen to music, cook some good food, take a nap, go for a drive, exercise 

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe?

iiiiiiiii am a very anxious person!!!!! take my word for it! if you don’t see it now you will soon!

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world?

i can only IMAGINE that my relationships with other people would be ~non existent~ 

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done?

i literally do not know there are too many moments i could choose from. perhaps living in GENERAL 

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker?

hmmmmmm i want to say logical! even if im not very good at it

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games?

YES very therapeutic!! i was really into playing the borderlands games for a while, uhhh minecraft but not like a big ass lot of it mostly just w my friends or just to chill, the batman arkham games 

72. What makes you feel old?

payin taxes. goin to the bank. making appointments by myself. paying rent. signing leases. car shit

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don’t, how would this change your life?

ok well tht would make me the middle child and i simply do not vibe with that bc they get the shitty end of the stick bro!!!!! i LIKE being the oldest but i guess it would be nice to see someone else do this shit before i had to kinda stick my toe out into the real world 

88. What is your opinion on social media?

it’s a gift and a curse at the same time like i kinda miss when none of us had cellphones and we were forced to interact in real life 

96. How do you approach people?

i ddddddddddddont <3

104. What is the most terrifying dream you’ve ever had?

uhhhhh p sure it was one where i got like publicly ridiculed. also i was running and tripped and fell and u KNOW when u sit up in bed like !!!!!!!

112. What is your biggest motivation?

probably trying to exceed everyone else’s expectations as well a my own? kind of like a special fuck you. real spite-y except aimed at my depression 

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties?

bold of u to assume i often go to parties!!! i am usually too drunk to coherently put together a story and thats facts 

128. What do you consider “leading” someone on?

being unclear about your intentions and displaying false interest 

136. If GPA didn’t matter, what courses would you have taken?

astrophysics, german, mandarin, more chemistry, physics, even math 

144. Prized possession(s)?

a ring from my parents, my guitars, my BOOTS they were fucking expensive

thank u!!!

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[barewiings]

BAREWIINGS’ RP PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET

Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, and repost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

Mun name: birdie (she/her/hers or they/them)  OOC Contact: tumblr IMs + discord

Who the heck is my muse anyway:

leah’s a sophomore in college studying psychology. she works on her campus’ bookstore during the week, and she’s just super friendly and approachable. wants to fall in love real badly ( it doesn’t help that she’s a hopeless romantic ), and just wants to be helpful to everyone. gets stressed out easily because of her assignments and is very anxious a lot of times about little things. 

Points of interest:

one the surface, leah seems pretty innocent, but there’s definitely a part of her she hides really well, especially to her very religious and traditional family. she’s very sexual in nature, working in a sex shop on the weekends. she hooks up frequently, uses tinder regularly, and she knows what she likes in the bedroom thanks to lots of time alone with some toys. she doesn’t like being open about this side of her life right away, but to those close to her, she’ll open up eventually.

this all started at an early age, about around five thanks to some porn she accidentally found. since then, it’s been a back and forth battle between her sexuality and her religion ( or rather, her family’s religion ), and it’s only up until recently did she decided that enjoying sex isn’t a sin. 

What they’ve been up to recently:

trying to date without her parents knowing, finding sexual partners that don’t suck, studying for classes, writing papers, working shifts at both of her jobs, facetiming her parents, cleaning her dorm, missing her cat. 

Where to find them:

on campus, in her dorm room, at the sex shop or in the bookstore. 

Current plans:

trying to graduate tbh but also enjoy her time in college. wants to make new connections while she has this new independence from her parents even though she’s a nervous bean around strangers sometimes 

Desired interactions:

hateships -- leah gets along with a lot of people, so it’d be very interesting for her to meet someone who just rubs her the wrong way and brings out the passive-aggressive self 

toxic relationships -- unhealthy, possessive, emotionally draining, and all those types of things

angst -- just give me angst in general, make leah cry, put her in stressful situations. i really want to explore this side of her since so far everything’s been sunshine and rainbows. which isn’t bad!!! but leah does have some baggage that hasn’t really been discussed yet ( nothing traumatic, but her self-worth can be kind of low and she can be fake when the situation calls for it since she bottles up emotions ). 

more au’s!!!! more plots from my wishlist!!! 

Offered interactions:

i offer you leah as a sales associate at either of her jobs, leah as a potential classmate, leah as a potential one night stand, leah as that person who runs after you when you drop something. tbh leah’s pretty flexible so she can fit into a lot of situations, and even for more niche situations, we can always plot! for now i only have two verses: one that’s modern and one that has the potential to be a period au set in the great depression era ( you’ll get it if you read my verse page! )  

Current open post/s:

here’s my tag! it’s not much, and most are short since i don’t really do opens that often ( and idk what exactly is in there but they’re either silly or smutty sorry not sorry ) 

Anything else:

my schedule���s wack bc i’m a full time student, so i hoard a lot of drafts but i love memes and usually get to them pretty quickly so feel free to send them in to start interactions!! you’re always welcome to continue them ( even smutty ones ) so dont feel shy!! 

Tagged by: stolen from @awolxsiblings

Tagging: you!!! 

[echoise]

I replayed Keith so now I have preliminary stats for a basic bio (◡‿◡) will update when i get the final stats or make a new one... and im too lazy to write out the actual bio part lmao. also, joining the picrew bandwagon.

under le cut. retribution spoilers also!

(obligatory INFORMATION IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE notice)

[the RE-GENE]

name: ??? Keith Kwon gender: male vice: coffee

scar: revenge motivation: life

subtle / forceful fighter / tactician tech savvy / streetwise

description: “Keith Kwon is an average Asian man in his thirties with blue eyes and short, wild and wavy hair. His sense of style is secondhand casual.”

biography: Keith is a dumb soft gay idiot thanks for coming to my TED talk

Keith’s biggest problem has always been empathy. It’s both a strength and a weakness - lately mostly the latter. He feels intensely enough even without telepathy, so being always connected to people makes his life hell (and he’s very bad at completely locking his talents down). As a result he’s constantly tired, grumpy, and guarded. Paranoid, even, since his return to Los Diablos - he’s not about to make the same mistakes that got him a fate worse than death in the past.

Having more of a tactical mindset, Keith relies on subtlety and stealth to get things done. Slow and steady wins the race, and he likes to consider every option before committing. Despite that he is quick to think on his feet when needed and can wiggle his way out of trouble... most of the time. But he’s not infallible and not without impulsivity, especially when it comes to certain people. It’s hard to remain logical when eaten alive by your emotions, and Keith has plenty.

Above all, Keith just wants to live. But the scars left by Heartbreak and the Farm run deep, leaving deep-seated hatred and fear, forming into a need for revenge. That need has grown into a desire to tear the system down, whatever the cost: Keith believes that’s the only way he’ll ever be free to live in peace. But he has doubts and hates the path he’s on: it’s only a matter of time before he breaks, hopefully by someone showing him this isn’t his only option. 

relationships: Has been in love with Ortega since forever. Lately Steel has also been on his mind, much to his confusion. He cannot figure Argent out and thus keeps his distance, and Herald mostly just gives him a headache (though he is growing fond of him). Despite trying to maintain only professional relationships as his alternate personas, he’s growing close with Rosie and Dr. Mortum (as well as tech shop coworker Marcia).

trivia: Apparently he reads Murakami, who definitely exists and writes in the FH universe because I say so. He also very much likes words just in general, reading and crosswords in particular. His favorite color is blue and he is unable to shave without leaving some stubble behind - maybe he’s lazy, maybe he’s incompetent, maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe it adds to the lowkey depressed aesthetic. Who knows. He also likes dumb sweaters (but the black turtleneck underneath is always the same - he probably has a dozen of the same shirt smh what a disaster).

health: (because apparently this deserves its own section!) Keith is an anxious, insomniac wreck with severe issues about intimacy, especially the physical kind. It’s not uncommon for him to stay up multiple days in a row, though the effects are somewhat less severe now that he can just leave his body and slip into Eden. He’s also a perfectionist and workaholic, so at least he always finds things to do. The most serious damage is in his hands: the heartbreak fall and glass shards severed and compressed his nerves, causing motor and sensory damage. As a result, they shake constantly and he has trouble distinguishing between temperatures and small details, and his pain reflex is suppressed. The shaking he’s happy to explain away as just a side effect of his caffeine addiction, which is no secret to anyone. He’s able to somewhat mitigate the effects with specialized gloves so he can still do tech work, and the villain suit has built-in accommodations.

[the VILLAIN]

name: Puppetmaster Evenfall armor: mysterious equipment: jump-jets and telepathic boosters debut: thief career: anarchist

description: “Evenfall’s suit is a shadow with a mirror for a face, revealing nothing. In its left hand, the suit has a neutered colony of nanovores functionally similar to having a disintegration touch, as well as being equipped with telepathic boosters and enhanced speed, as well as jump-jets.”

biography: sexy bastard after justice, mission focused, but has no body count

Evenfall is the polar opposite of Keith. He’s confident, cool and detached, menacing, and shares none of Keith’s many fears and anxieties. He’s willing to do what needs to be done, but he’s not unreasonable, quite the opposite. If he can, he will take a non-intrusive and peaceful approach, preferring a polite discussion to a brawl. 

Above all, Evenfall is after justice - and more specifically justice given, not taken. He won’t abuse telepathy to get people on his side, hoping to cause real change. It might be silly and idealistic, but underneath the armor is still the softness of Keith, and Keith doesn’t want to become what he hates so much. He still thinks like a hero and prefers to get his funding by stealing from other villains now that he can feasibly do so.

So far, no mission of Evenfall’s has gone wrong... badly, at least. The meticulous, almost obsessive planning has paid off, and he knows his limits. No objective is worth his life or his identity, and he’d rather back off to fight another day than risk it. 

[the PUPPET]

name: Eden gender: female description: “Eden is a tall Black woman in her twenties, with brown eyes and long curly black hair.“

biography: Eden is cocky and sexy but all about business so eyes up here yo

Eden is everything Keith is not. Confident, sexy, charismatic, mischievous, and very, very female. Not that Keith minds much, he’s good at compartmentalizing, and more importantly, he was always good at being he was supposed to be. That extends to his alternate identities.

Eden is a face, a business front, but Keith can’t bring himself to think of her as a tool. She is a person - not him, really, and also nothing without him, but she’s still a person. And though it’s not real, he’s growing very fond of the masquerade, and he’s very good at pretending things can be real. He does it enough in his own body. 

But more than anything, Eden is for business. Even if he sprinkles fun and games in between there with Mortum, with Rosie, that’s what she was designed for and that’s what she’ll stay as. If things go south, she’s the part Keith will have the least trouble abandoning.

[sparda3g]

Kimetsu no Yaiba Chapter 146 Review

It’s one personal battle after another. One has fallen, leaving the next generation in charge, and the other one has succeeded, leaving with many regrets intact. Reality is cruel, but they must survive. This was more of a hype chapter for the next and one of the most anticipated battle yet with plenty of stakes on the line. However, it was also the conclusion that Zenitsu needed after life of struggles.

This marks the end of the battle. I’m satisfied for it was more of an emotional storytelling, rather than intense sword combat. That seems to be saved for the next one. This was about two “brothers” crossing path and have to end one life to save theirs. Zenitsu caught him by surprise with a sick technique that drained him out to move. In short, both are going to die.

I was bit surprised that it only took one decapitation for Kaigaku to die, though it is explained later, so it’s understandable. With that said it is satisfyingly depressing. While Kaigaku is slowly disintegrating, all he can think about is how Zenitsu made that technique and most importantly, telling himself he has not lost. He’s in complete delusional, but that’s the point of his character. He only think about himself and run away from any satisfaction he was given by others. He only feels better if Zenitsu dies with him to make it a draw. That’s just desperate. Sadly for him, in this series, there’s no sugarcoating; a villain will pay a price.

Yushiro appears out of nowhere to save Zenitsu; that means only Kaigaku will die. Before doing so, he approaches to Kaigaku to send him off on a cold, depressing note. He nail it hard when he tells him that it’s his fault that he couldn’t give anything to others. In other words, he never give them a hand that they will give him back; “I’ll scratch your back, you’ll scratch mine.” Because of his disconnection, his death is nothing but loneliness; that’s the true sad defeat. Damn. That last stare had me chills. He’s right though. If only Kaigaku knew better. Too late now. Die in the endless abyss of loneliness.

It’s not all depressing for the battle’s end however. The scene shifts to Zenitsu meeting with the old man in the afterlife, I assume, and it’s pretty emotional. Kaigaku is now dead, but the fact remains; Zenitsu had to kill him. He is full of guilt for unable to avoid the problem that led both of their demise. It’s sad to think he has felt this way for a long time. It’s like he cannot receive a good ending, despite acting like a child. But at last, he can forgive himself for his grandfather is proud of him. This is a touching scene and he needed it. He can grow and not be hindered by guilt. While it’s hard to determine the series’ end, his future looks bright.

That is if he can survive from the Demon Art Technique that affected his body. It is concerning to see how Zenitsu would recover from those deep wounds. Hell, it’s trying to cut open all the way to his eyes. That sounds gruesome. Yushiro disguises his actual eyes when Murata and others arrive, which explains later. Speaking of explaining, the reason why Kaigaku died easily for an Upper Moon is because he was still fresh. If he had a year of training, the story would have been a lot different. This makes sense considering how demon blood takes experience rather than become top tier strong on the spot.

I have to say, I was laughing when Murata was losing his head over Zenitsu’s health. I get that he knows him and of course, want him to live, but he cannot calm down for a moment at all. The guy is so loud, he actually drag the demons to the room they’re in. He’s definitely a good target. At least, it’s played for gag; not causing actual damages. Plus, we can get some laughs after depressing notes.

There’s an interesting detail on Yushiro. I was a bit confused on why he had to hide his demon’s eyes, especially since they’re in the same boat to take out Muzan. It turns out that the Corps still aren’t friendly to good will demons, despite the intention, hence why he has to hide. He only joined with them due to Tamayo pressing him on to help and blend in. Funny how he was so against it, yet here he is, actually calmed for once. Go figure. The last bit is the reason why others can’t sense him. He is created by Tamayo, so the sense differs from Muzan’s. That make sense. Now, here comes the exciting part.

This arc has been crazy so far and we still don’t know if this is the final arc. After two battles, what could possibly be the next one to get us hyped? How about the revenge of a lifetime! The anticipation is solid with how it shifts back to Tanjiro running, thinking that they will win the war. You can already sense something crazy is about to happen. Then a sudden destruction erupted, building up a really good tension. You know Tanjiro is next to get his battle, but you still wonder who the opponent is. It had me anxious to find out who and long behold, it’s none other Akaza, the man who killed Rengoku.

It’s the long waited reunion that I have been waiting for, and it’s not even between friends. It’s the revenge of the century. I got goosebumps just by staring at the panels with the two about to collide like all hells break loose. Hate runs deep; this will be intense. I don’t know what happened to Giyu, so it appears he was separated by the slam. In any case, this is the revenge that must be fulfilled. Do it for Rengoku, Tanjiro!

Before closing the chapter off with sheer hype, the last scene focus on the whereabouts of Muzan and it’s rather eerie. I don’t know what is exactly happening with him, but he’s now a cocoon in a sense. Is he evolving or what? What’s also bad is Tamayo is slowly being absorbed. If she’s gone, well, Gotouge knows what’s next. Not only time is running out, but apparently something else is happening. The stakes have increased and they can’t afford to kill any more time.

This was a really solid chapter with a lot of anticipation going forward. The conclusion to Zenitsu’s battle was pretty satisfying albeit with some cold elements, but a villain don’t get the happy ending. There was a nice detail on Yushiro and how he’s contributing with the Corps, even though the real problem comes from Murata. The visual is solid and helped a lot with the strong emphasis on the fated reunion of a lifetime. We’re up for a real treat next time.

[trustbigbang]

Sacrifice comes before success

At your age, have you already felt the need of having the sense of independence? I mean, yes it does not start with living on your own but you can begin it with doing little things. As a young woman who is near to her twenties, I have already reached the point wherein I should be the one who is fixing my things, buying stuff on my own and learning not to spend too much and just save it for something that is more worth it. Speaking of saving, I started it when I was in 7th grade. I know it would not be easy so I started it with saving twenty pesos a day. I was so happy that in a week, I managed to save one hundred pesos, for me, that time, it was already big and satisfying. My savings got bigger and bigger as my allowance also increased.

In my 11th grade, there was an announcement that Dong Youngbae also known as Taeyang from my favorite K-Pop group, Bigbang, will have a concert here in the Philippines. I already saw it coming for he released his full-length album and we all know that artists who release an album have a higher possibility to perform and have various tours in order to promote their music. That time, my little savings were supposed to be allotted for other things such as stuff in school, and money for a guitar that I really wanted to buy (yes I tried to be musically inclined back then lol). But, anyways, those savings were not enough. It’s already August 19 and I only have 400 pesos which is obviously not enough for a 3,000 worth of ticket. So the date of ticket selling was decided and announced that it will be on the 9th of September. Everything was rushed, I really hate its company organizers up until now for they feel that we are a bunch of rich kids that can easily produce money and buy tickets despite of the late notice. So going back, I chose not to complain because it won’t even bother the organizers’ decision. I have twenty days left before the said ticket selling and this frustrates me because weekends are not deducted yet, when we will do so, it would be only 16 days for me to save up. Everyday, my parents give me 150 for my daily allowance and if you will multiply 150 to 16, it would be 2,400 plus my aforementioned savings which is 400, a total of 2,800. It would be quite enough but I was not sure that time if I can really manage to save my whole allowance because it sounded easy but it’s actually not. Upon saving up, ofcourse, there are several factors and things that tempted me to spend my money and also, there are people who discourage me to save money for they believe that I should not waste my money into “nonsense things” as they said.

There are times wherein my group of friends will invite me to eat or have merienda after school and I think, that was one of the biggest distractions I had to face. There was one scenario, they asked me to eat with them in Nepo food court and I said no but I realized that I was also hungry and want to eat so bad so in the end, I joined them there. When I got home, I began to be frustrated and anxious for it does not happen the way I wanted it to be. So the thing is I had to fill the day wherein I haven’t saved any money because of those stupid temptations!!!! There was also a situation wherein my parents got mad at me because they caught me saving up for a concert by checking my closet and pouch. They said that I should not be crazy over nonsense things and have the sense of discipline and focus on my real priorities. I don’t know but this is not just a “nonsense thing” because it is one of those factors which saved me from experiencing loneliness and depression. September 4, five days before the ticket selling, I am about to panic because I already missed two days and they cost 300. I was about to quit when suddenly my grandmother called and told that she wants me to drop by at her house. She let me in and eats her homemade dish. She also asked if I’m fine with my studies and chosen path. We made a little bit catch up and one of our conversations was about the concert I wanted to attend. She said that she can offer the allotted money for ticket however I refused to accept it not because of pride but I think it is included in adulting stage wherein you do not want to bother or disturb anyone and choose to grind on your own instead. Because of my refusal, grandma just suggested if I could work a part time tutor for the kids she’s currently mentoring, the salary was 200 a day. So, I immediately agreed for I really need it and it doesn’t even overlap with my school stuff.

When it was already September 8, a day before the ticket release, I already arranged and organized the money for it and ask my parent’s permission to go to the concert. At first, they were skeptical and hesitant to allow me because of so many things to think of like transportation for they can’t accompany me to Araneta because they have a wedding event to attend to. The other thing is that there are so many rumors which say that concert areas are the target of different rebel groups. But in the end, because of me being irresistible, they had no choice but to allow me. The next day, I geared up earlier than my any other days in the past. I went straight to SM Clark to line up for the ticket. I was already there at 7am and the ticket will be available at 12am (yes, things I do for K-POP hmm). So when the mall has opened, we started running up to the second floor and lined up to the ticket booth. After a couple of minutes, they announced that Gen Ad is already sold out. At that point, my mind and soul experienced a breakdown. The next seat after Gen Admission is CAT 3 seated which costs 5.5k and that is so far to 3,000 which I afford. So, I have decided to just go home and refresh the SM Tickets’ site. After several hours of refreshing, IME officially announced that Gen Ad is already sold out. The time I have read that, I started crying endlessly, who would not? So I informed my parents about it and they tell me, maybe it is not my chance to see Taeyang. But still, I did not quit checking the other possibilities. So it is already September 11, CAT 3 seated was still available but my current money is only 3,200 pesos, again, too far from 5,500. So I tried to still save my allowance, then September 17, five days before the concert, with 3,700 in my pocket, rumors spread which says that they will open Gen Ad at the Araneta itself. So I was shocked and my hope arised again. September 22, the concert day, I took the risk and went to Araneta despite of not having a ticket. I rode a bus which leads to Cubao. The fascinating situation is I got there at 45 minutes before 8pm, which is the start of the concert. I checked the counter and they said that I was already late and the extra Gen Ad tickets are already sold out. So I started approaching other people and asked them if they are selling extra tickets or they have known one. Fortunately, as in extreme call of fortune (!!!),  the two girls who I approached next are selling CAT3 tickets with the price of 3,500 for they are also rushing to sell their tickets because they have to attend a meeting. They accompanied me to the security to assure me that it is not a scam. And, tadaaaaa here I come, Taeyangggg, as I said when I walked through the stairs going to the venue itself. But of course, I did not forget to show gratitude to the sellers. And yes, I managed to watch the concert, YAY!!!

With this long and rough journey of saving for something that I really want, I can say that it is not really as easy as I thought it would be. However, I realized that it is satisfying and fulfilling to see that there is still a good result from all the hardwork, problems and temptation that I met and at the same time, have to endure. I am not encouraging you to skip your meals just to save your allowance but I am persuading you to think of any strategies that might help you in saving, such as bringing snacks from your home and choosing to eat in the house rather than have merienda in the malls. I sweaaaaaaar, if you will be consistent with this, it will be all worth it!

[moidse]

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content. 

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth. 

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with. 

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria. 

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a  relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had. 

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way. 

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential. 

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji* 

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank. 

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d. 

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects. 

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****. 

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible. 

[rivalsoul]

i don’t know if i belong in this community.     i don’t know if it’s my  profound anxiety  or my  depression  or my  personal trauma  or my  lack of gameplay  ( i’ve not played a game since hgss )  but there’s something about being here that makes me feel  INADEQUATE.     AFRAID.     HESITANT.     and i don’t want to feel that way.     i’ve made a lot of great friends through pokémon.     it was a huge part of my childhood,  and is still a huge part of my adult life though i don’t have the capability to play the new games.     making pokémon teams is legit one of my all-time favorite things to do.     i use these muses as catharsis,  as vessels to release my own trauma / disabilities / fears,  as well as to seek  LOVE  and  VALIDATION,  as my last relationship was eleven years of toxic abuse that left me almost homeless and completely gaslighted.     i’ve been around the block many times with rp,  and i’ve never had to feel like i needed to cater to anyone’s needs or restrict myself to belong . . . and that’s how i’m feeling now.     i want to write what i want to write,  without being judged or targeted or looked at like a freak.     i don’t want to change myself or my muses to fit in and gain followers,  but i don’t do a lot of things that this community does because some of it makes me real uncomfortable or isn’t my muses’ style,  and i know that pushes people away . . . so should i do those things to fit in?     or should i be honest about my portrayals and get used to the feeling of being eyeballed?     i don’t know.     i shouldn’t feel uncomfortable on my own blog,  and yet i do.     i’m anxious,  and all of this is probably my anxiety talking.     i’m really fucked up,  you guys.

but i love you guys anyways.     seeing you on my dash makes me smile,  even if i don’t know how to approach you  ( and i’m sure you don’t know how to approach me,  i look like a shark,  and i’m sorry for that ).     if you have any advice to give me,  feel free to im me or hmu on discord  (  SINEP#4529  ).

[chooserecovery]

I've had a lot of problems with my family (aunt, uncle, and grandmother) in the past year. And I feel worn down and empty all the time, and Im slowly losing interest in what I like to do. These issues have been nagging at me for a long time. I've even picked up the habit of self harm. Im just 13, Im not sure how I should combat this. Im too scared to talk to anyone in real life because Im afraid I'll get laughed at or worse. What do I do about this situation?

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear, but if you think it is at all possible, I am still going to suggest talking to someone about what you’re feeling. You can try to find a way to make it easier, for example one thing that I always suggest is trying to write a letter or an email because it gives you a chance to organize what you want to say, and it also gives the other person time to think of an appropriate response, which is often better than the immediate reaction. 

Now, the reason that I’m suggesting that is because, while I can’t say that it’s depression, obviously, I can absolutely say that you sound like you’re having a hard time right now, and that feeling tired, empty, and disinterested in everything tends to make people close themselves off, which leads to isolation, which usually just furthers the feelings. Going through things like this alone is hard, and having people around you who might be able to listen or to try to get you help can make a huge difference.

That being said, if talking to people in real life absolutely isn’t an option right now, then there are other places that you can talk. I’ve definitely told this story on CR before, but the way that Bree and I met was through a chatroom for a different advice blog that was active back then. So, there are places online where people who aren’t feeling great tend to congregate so that they can talk about their problems, or sometimes just to talk in general. I like to suggest the PostSecret Chat, because, at least a few years back when I lurked there regularly, they had a really great community and it was a good place to talk about basically anything. However, if you aren’t comfortable posting, then you are also welcome to just read what other people are saying--that’s what I always did--and just kind of have the opportunity to see that other people might feel the same as you do, and maybe see ideas that other people have for how to cope with those feelings constructively. It can be a good way to start finding tools to deal with everything.

As for the self harm, it sounds like you’re doing it as basically a way to control what you’re feeling--make the lows less low, etc. The way that works is that when your body gets injured, it releases endorphins, which make physical pain hurt less, but it also has effects on emotions. So, in the short term, if you feel like you just need to feel better right away, then there are other things that can cause an endorphin release. These can help as sort of a general response to urges to self harm. 

However, if there are specific things that bring that urge up, such as the family issues you mentioned, then a general “throw endorphins at it” approach might help a little bit in the short term, but it isn’t really addressing the problem. So, what I usually suggest is trying to look at what triggered that urge to self harm and to try to look at what it is that you are hoping to get from doing it. This can be hard to do, especially at first, so it may be helpful to keep a sort of journal of what upset you, how you’re feeling, etc. It can help you keep track of what triggers you, and you might pick up on some patterns in them or what feelings cause that urge to self harm. Once you have an idea of what it is that you really want (as a couple of examples you may be feeling angry and viewing it as an outlet, or you may be feeling sad and using it as a quick way to feel better because endorphins, or you may be doing it because you’re anxious and need a way to let that out) then you can try to find alternate ways to deal with those feelings, such as venting to someone, exercise, watching an old favorite movie, whatever makes sense for the feeling that you’re trying to deal with.

If you can, it may be a good idea to throw out whatver you’re using to self harm so that it’ll be harder for you to do anything when those thoughts come up.

TL;DR: talk to people, going through things alone sucks, and having people that you can talk to can at the very least make you feel less alone. Try to figure out what exactly you are feeling and look for things that can help you address that feeling and work through it specifically. 

It takes time to learn how to handle everything, it’s okay if it seems hard, especially when you’re just starting out. But, like any skill, managing emotions gets easier with more practice. Give yourself time to work through things, and try to reach out to people when you need to.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, anon. I hope that you find something that will work for you soon

--Luke