#i live on discord and my mental health has been declining by the day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wri0thesley · 11 months

Note

I am so sorry if this is invasive and weird, but may I ask what you work as? I'm at the stage where I have to build my future and I know you don't have an age specified but you seem to be doing really well (at least from the posts we've seen, again I really hope not to be invasive) for yourself and your partner and 25+ is still young! Again, I hope this isn't mean or weird, I'm just curious. (and severely nervous. First year of college is ruining me harder than any fictional man.)

ahh anon i'm afraid that the answer is probably not what you're looking for!

for the record, i am 27, i just find getting fandom older a little scary, especially having it listed right there!!!

i actually intended to be a performer and a singing teacher (my degree was going to be in music & musical theatre); unfortunately, due to a plethora of reasons (mostly my undiagnosed autism, unmedicated ocd/depression/anxiety combo, a nervous breakdown and my partner's physical health declining) i dropped out of my degree before the end of my first semester.

for about three years or so after that i was severely agoraphobic. talking 'can't answer the door' agoraphobic; 'never left the house alone, and even when with someone only went to the doctors and therapy' agoraphobic, 'rotted in my bedroom in an absolutely non romanticised way' agoraphobic. i was on the equivalent of disability because i literally could not function. meanwhile, my partner, who lived with me and my parents was getting physically worse whilst i was mentally struggling (since then haz has been diagnosed with ehlers danlos syndrome, fibromyalgia, lipoedema, thyroid issues and a lot of other things; they have a lot going on). i DID access several therapies, had . . . a couple of very bad relapses, went under crisis teams and all of that stuff (i had occupational therapy too which was HONESTLY i think one of the most useful things and helpful things for me in the long run; i cannot imagine what i would be like if i hadn't had the occupational therapist the crisis team found for me).

(coincidentally, if you are an og jojo follower you probably remember how bad it was; i've said it a hundred times, but running this silly little reader-insert blog probably helped save my life at a time when i had almost no contact with the outside world. i couldn't leave my bedroom, but i had my blog and i had my little internet friends and discord server).

i have gotten a lot better.

haz, unfortunately, has not gotten better physically and probably never will. they need help with a lot of things most people don't even realise disabled people might need help with. brushing their hair, fastening clothes . . . when haz first moved in, they were doing the same dance-intensive college course that i was. we danced maybe three or four hours a day. nowadays, haz needs me to hold their hand and keep them steady when they go from our bed to the bathroom (the room next door).

so i don't really 'work' as anything. well, my therapist would tell me off for saying that; the uk government classes me as an 'unpaid carer', which basically means i am on call for haz literally 24/7 and they pay me the pittance that is carer's allowance (carer's allowance assumes you care at least 35 hours a week, and pays you the privilege of about 45 pence per each of those hours. if, like me, you live with the person you care for and do more than those hours, it gets . . . yeah. oof. the government unfortuately know that most unpaid carers are loved ones and family members of the person who needs care and won't just stop doing it, and they'd be in the shit if we did because trained carers are expensive, so they can get away with that - FUCK the tories, honestly.

i am EXCEEDINGLY lucky that i live in a cheap area of the uk, that haz and i are internet savvy enough to be able to access carers/disability discounts, that we are in rent-controlled social housing (which my crisis team helped find for us because living with my parents was taking such a toll on us both, woo!!!!), and that we've been able to access services to help on the nhs. i got my autism assessment and diagnosis; haz is under several pain management teams.

all in all, i'm happy. i'm so much happier than i was seven years ago when i'd dropped out of university and felt like a huge failure, because all of my life i was a gifted overachiever and i thought my self-worth was tied to my academic achievements (and as an extension, what roles i got in what shows and when and who saw me and so on). i don't have a lot of money (i am a bargain shopped fgbnkjgjnfb) but i know what i like and because i'm Older Now (tm) i've amassed collections of it.

i am absolutely sure that you'll boss college, anon! that you will find that thing that works for you (one day i would LOVE to go back and get my degree! pre-covid i had an acceptance for a creative writing degree and i was getting ready to go back to uni as a mature student, but haz's health got bad again and then covid happens - and now ofc i have my autism diagnosis i can access so much more help!). but even if you don't, you can absolutely find happiness without 'traditional' success.

i don't have a lot in the grand scheme of things. but you're right in that i am doing pretty well, in terms of where i am, and where i've been. i have my own little home. i have my partner of ten years who is my soulmate in every conceivable way. i've had experiences that make me feel so happy i sometimes cry when i remember them. i have my own little cat now!!! things still stress me out. but i have come so so far and when i feel down i remember that.

good luck anon! i believe in you <3

#nat.txt

30 notes · View notes

pastballads · 1 year

Text

Life is an abstract carnival of pain, and apparently, I'm the performer it loves to clown on. Consider this a notice of low activity or a semi-hiatus announcement for now, with a full-blown hiatus to be announced at some point in the near future.

If y'all want to talk about muses and plot ideas, or just want to talk, I'll throw my discord out to you if you message me. If you're curious why I'm saying this, read below the cut at your own peril.

I'll probably delete this in a few days.

I'mma keep it brief. Things haven't been going so hot for me lately. In fact, things have been downright terrible. Rocky family issues, my mental health and the mental health of my family has been in decline, pretty sure I'm losing my MediCal coverage, my bed giving out on me and waking up with neck pain or headaches, dealing with plumbers for almost the entire month of March, my sister nearly getting kicked out of middle school due to residency bullcrap-

The list just goes on and on. The most recent events were the one-two combo of getting sick and having a fully-loaded two-shelf spice cabinet falling off the wall to smash into my knee, and today I've got news we're switching over to a neighboring apartment for two weeks while they renovate this one. Only problem? We've been living in this place for twelve years, and have twelve years worth of junk. I don't even know when we're supposed to start moving!

Motivation to write or just do anything is at an all-time low, and I'm holding it together with duct tape and gorilla glue. Life ain't good.

#{Out of Odes | OOC}#{Luan Speaks | Mun}#TW: Vent #{To be deleted}

20 notes · View notes

tussive · 6 months

Text

Long vent post about a friend of mine I'm worried about. Going to put it behind a cut so it doesn't clog up anyone's dash and you can just ignore if you don't want to see me ramble for like 20 pages lol.

One of my really good friends is currently in jail stemming from mental health issues. I don't want to go into the whole deal of what happened out of respect for her privacy but it's just shitty. Like I know there's really nothing that I could have done, or anyone else for that matter, short of physically intervening or contacting the police. I don't think any of us really had the resources to even really get to her, let alone do anything once there to help and she never directly said it but I felt it was very much implied she would rather via suicide by cop than be forced to go back to the hospital.

But like just looking back. She started believing I was an imposter so we haven't really spoken in over a month. She told me months ago that she thought some of the users from the forum we met on were imposters as well, but I just thought it was like a fleeting delusion? Or I don't know. She's schizoaffective and has always struggled with psychosis and stuff. She apparently left her mom a voicemail since she's been arrested and has accused her of being an imposter as well. I'd really love to write her a letter, we would exchange letters sometimes anyway just as a fun thing to do, but also I know how important letters can be when you're incarcerated. But if she's still suffering from Capgras delusions, I don't want to just agitate her more either.

For months now I've wanted to reach out to a mutual friend about her mental state, because it's been very clearly declining. I didn't know what to say though, or like if I did, what could be done. And we aren't like friends really, I mean we know each other from posting in the same Discord servers or whatever, but we weren't even friends on Discord. So I didn't want to add her and then message her and bother her with this stuff. Especially because I didn't know how she would react to any of it and I was kind of afraid she may tell our friend what I had said and that would make things worse.

They recently moved her from a city jail to a county jail and that has me very concerned because everyone I know who has been in jail says the same thing, county jail is the hardest time to do. Because they just have so few resources comparatively. One of my other friends was in jail one time and he told me there was a period of time that they just fucking ran out of toilet paper. It's only been a day but she apparently hasn't been getting her meds either since transferring.

It's very unlikely that she'll be released anytime soon also. She's being charged with a felony. Mutual Friend (MF for short from now on to make this more readable hopefully) is in contact with her mom thankfully who is keeping us updated. Either MF offered or Mom asked, I'm not sure which and it doesn't really matter, about if I'd be willing to do something like be a character witness for her, so I gave MF my phone number to give to Mom, so I'm just kind of waiting on a text now. I don't really know how the logistics of that would work, but luckily she does live somewhat close so even necessary I could likely travel there in person but it'd kind of be inconvenient. I'd totally do it though and I'm glad that if that's what needs to be do, it is at least a possibility. I'd do anything I could to help her, unfortunately that's just not a whole lot.

6 notes · View notes

wiz-witch · 3 years

Text

I posted 305 times in 2021

34 posts created (11%)

271 posts reblogged (89%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 8.0 posts.

I added 26 tags in 2021

#ducktales - 10 posts

#dt spoilers - 5 posts

#animaniacs - 2 posts

#professor layton - 2 posts

#animal crossing - 2 posts

#anyone who's seen my discord status can attest - 1 posts

#i'm not even done counting - 1 posts

#ask game - 1 posts

#anonymous - 1 posts

#black lives matter - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 88 characters

#i had the daily log and a 'you planted flowers' message both ready when i opened the app

My Top Posts in 2021

Yknow the thing of Huey not being in the promos is suddenly reminding me of before "Astro Boyd!" aired when the preview stuff didn't include Gyro at all even though we knew he was in the episode so we all started worrying about him...

... And it turned out the promo content took place while he was doing something mundane somewhere else

24 notes • Posted 2021-03-12 03:09:34 GMT

If I had a nickel for every cartoon I watched where an anthropomorphic actor in Hollywood had an old friend who's an anthropomorphic deer living in New Mexico, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's kinda funny it's happened twice

27 notes • Posted 2021-05-25 06:34:09 GMT

I keep feeling like I need to say some sort of final words on the fact DuckTales is over, but I’ve been struggling to figure out what I wanted to say all day until I realized something...

The emotional attachment I have to this show was higher than I realized

I remember four years ago, scrolling through my phone kinda trying to ignore the face I was officially an adult when I found the first full trailer for the upcoming DuckTales show. I’d seen some stuff about the reboot but I’d never really watched the original DuckTales so it hadn’t drawn my interest too much. However, I decided to take a look at the trailer...

“Now going to: McDuck Manor.” “McDuck Manor? As in Scrooge McDuck?” “The bajillionaire?” “You’re finally gonna sell us.”

I laughed out loud at Louie’s response, and that moment had sold me on the show. I eagerly awaited the show as I finished high school and prepared to college, I looked into the lore of the characters that were going to be appearing in the show, and I even started plotting out a fic the day the theme song was released on YouTube.

I ended up loving the show when it aired. I fell in love with these characters and the story, though at the time, a different show kinda tended to take priority in my brain.

Two years later, I was struggling through my second year of college and that second show ended as Della Duck returned home to meet her kids. My mental stress had reached a peak and I spiraled into a nervous breakdown that forced me to drop out of school and even took away my writing ability.

That. That was a hit. I started writing when I was nine, so to lose that ability ten years later was... Scary, especially when my mental health was already so severely damaged. My friend introduced me to a different show I was able to write a little bit for, but everything felt off and sticky when I tried to write...

I then came back to DuckTales. And my creativity flourished in a way it hadn’t been when my mental state started declining. I’ve been sorting through WiPs in my folder and while the show that’d ended around the time my breakdown hit always had kinda been my ‘dominant’ fandom with most of my fics in it, I’m looking over it now and it seems DuckTales has overtaken it (even of many of those fics aren’t posted yet). I just couldn’t stop coming up with ideas once I started.

So I think that’s why this is hitting me so hard. This show helped restore a core aspect of my identity, so it feels hard to let it go. Plus the fact that I... Don’t have any other fandoms I’m active in after this.

I hope this fandom stays going. There are so many creative people here and I want to hold onto this... And a few I’ve met because of this show I want to personally thank:

@halfshellkayla -- A fellow angsting buddy who helped me develop that first scrapped idea and to this day continues to help me with story discussion

@kats-randomology -- We don’t talk as much anymore, but you definitely were an early influence in me developing my take on these characters

@stevenfallsvs -- An absolute AU genius who somehow thinks me wanting to write for said AUs is a huge honor (even I stand by you being the true genius behind them and I’m the one who should be honored for you allowing me to play with your ideas)

@pholux-twg -- A great analysist who has always been willing to listen to me develop my ideas, even when I decided to throw in details just to cause to angst and pain and see your reactions ^-^

@plainiack -- Every story needs a villain and you were always one who liked to see the potential in them. For some reason I never thought of the villains in my stories too much until you not only brought the potential of canon ones to my attention, but helped me develop my OC when all I had for him was a name and “he’s an asshole”

@lunawoona11 -- I don’t even know how we started talking but I’m glad we did. Your ideas are always fun and I always get excited when it’s time to talk with you every night

@imagine-pleasantnonsense -- A newer friend but one I love all the same. It’s rare to find someone who can make angst ideas that have me react, but that’s definitely something you manage, and I getting the chance to develop ideas with you

I hope we all can keep this adventure going ^-^

40 notes • Posted 2021-03-16 04:20:21 GMT

Glad my hc of "Huey is going to give Fenton a heart attack one of these days" is canon

42 notes • Posted 2021-02-08 22:29:32 GMT

Me: Haha Fenton being a traitor for FOWL is a fun hypothetical to play with in fan fiction that could absolutely never happen in the show

Beaks in the Shell: Fenton is dating and working on an experiment with Gandra. Who everyone knows is part of FOWL. And Huey is needing to keep it secret

Me: ......... I'm going to go scream

46 notes • Posted 2021-01-19 23:06:43 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

5 notes · View notes

bearbaitmegs · 3 years

Text

I know I don’t have a lot of active followers here, but I’ve been going though some major changes in my life recently (both good and/or disorienting), and one of the things I am aiming to achieve with that is to reestablish myself online in some small way. Just casually, socially. I used to enjoy interacting and making friends online and some of my oldest friends remain people that I met through the web.

I hope these sporadic personal posts don’t bother you.

I think part of these changes that I’m aspiring to involve getting into the habit of simply posting more. I honestly am unsure of where to migrate to online outside of Tumblr. I’ve ditched Facebook except to check on businesses I’m planning on visiting and occasionally to sell something. I’m only on Snapchat and Instagram to follow one person. I haven’t logged into DeviantArt in almost 10 years. Yahoo 360 is long gone. Adjusting to Discord has been a slow and lurking process because it reminds me of some particularly haunting memories and it lacks most topics I’d be interested in (publicly, at least). Twitter never fit right. I refuse to engage with people on Ao3 or ffn because I’m very hesitant to engage with people who has the same media interests as I do because I’ve had far too much fandom-related trauma and drama and I still have trouble forming friend groups despite 9 years of distance

My brother has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder and it has often felt like his drama has been my defining feature for almost 2 years. I have gotten tired of carrying his monkey into all of my relationships and conversations, especially when trying to make new ones. I wish I had custody of my nephew because he and his ex are both sucky and neglectful, but all I can do is wait until the kid turns 18 or asks about emancipation. My brother deliberately seeks out relationships that renew and reinforce his past traumas in order to legitimize his unwillingness to move on and I hold him at least partially responsible for our parents’ decline in emotional, financial, and physical health. I recently opted to go for No Contact/Very Low Contact with him and it’s been freeing and refreshing and I feel immensely happier and more motivated.

I frequently feel like I don’t have anything worth saying or cannot really think of anything to say. It’s a work in progress. I have always carried a sense of awkwardness and that continues to persist into my 30s, despite the fact that I generally consider myself a confident person. I’ve been in a romantic relationship for 5 years and it fulfills 95% of my social and emotional needs, which... I think has led to leaving many of my other relationships to pasture.

Instinctively, I want to reach out and rectify all of these relationships all at once. Of course, it doesn’t work that way, and in trying to pace myself I find I often procrastinate. I set myself a goal of reaching out to a friend per week, but it’s more like one every two weeks. I know some of us will pick up where we left off like we’ve never been apart. Some of my friends will have moved on and our re-connection will separate again because we’re just different now and I’m honestly not bothered by that. It’s normal. I just hesitate because I don’t know where to start even though the script should be so easy. I feel annoying and needy. “Hey, I hope you’re well! I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I was thinking of you today every day.” Ugh.

I’m pretty financially, mentally, and physically stable and have been for a while. I like my job and I’m paid very well! I like me! I like my hobbies and my apartment! I’ve worked very hard to get here and there’s really only a few key things I want to improve upon.

But somehow I feel like I’m rediscovering myself again. Like I was shut out of something and didn’t even realize there was a door. I’ve missed something. I’m naturally comfortable alone and tend to be willfully obtuse about things that don’t involve me only to get startled by them later.

I moved back to my hometown 2 years ago in order to introduce my partner to my family and be around for some major family events. It was supposed to be a 4 month summer visit. The family drama just never stopped and I’m just...still here. I can’t wait to leave, but I also don’t resent my hometown as much as I did when I left. It’s changing immensely, but so am I. I definitely won’t be able to afford to stay.

I had a patio garden over the summer and, while we hardly got our money’s worth out of it, it was pretty and tasty and fulfilling. A few of the plants are overwintering with us.

I still haven’t lived somewhere that allows me a pet, but I keep saving stray cats.

I have way more fabric than I know what to do with from old clothes and dead ideas, but I finally tuned up my sewing machine and bought a set of sewing machine feet and I have lots of plans and ideas that I just need to sit down and actually execute. Especially embroidery.

I finally spent the damn $70 on an old school drawing tablet and took the time to download some free art programs. A modern tablet is still too much to budget for and a mouse and MS Paint is not enough. I do not know why it took me 10 freaking years when I’ve spent far more money on far less desirable luxuries.

I am hoping to find a decent enough mountain bike at a manageable price to do a long-distance cycling trip next year. If I don’t, I’ll divert to hiking a long-distance trail. I’ve never stopped craving spending weeks and weeks out in the woods with an overstuffed backpack since my first trek in 2016. I’m willing to go out of my way and budget hard to make it a reality on an annual basis.

I’m slowly picking away at my original story, JatGSL, a 10+ year Work In Progress, and I finally have a setting and characters that I feel good about and have a lot of fun imagining. I’m afraid to say much about it. It has dying androids and mushrooms and mythology and domesticated seals and braille and it takes place on a melted Antarctica. But my writing is a muscle long neglected and I don’t know if I’ll ever really get it back.

I sometimes think about moving some of my old fanfics over to Ao3 so they won’t be lost, but my old penname carries weight I’d rather not pick up and I don’t want to add anything else to JKR’s legacy and some of the things I wrote when I was 17-22 have aged pretty poorly. So, I hesitate and debate and do nothing.

I keep having simple, but neat ideas that nobody out in the market seems to be doing/making, but I lack the connections and knowledge to do anything with them.

My romantic partner is an amazingly perfect fit. Absolutely well-fitting, in-sync, mind-blowingly complementary in every way. I increasingly worry it might not last because my partner has 1 (ONE) key issue that I just can’t live with long term and if they can’t figure out a healthy way to cope I don’t know if I can go another 5 years dealing with it. I grew up with it. I won’t live with it.

It often feels odd to talk about myself (even here. even now) because I feel so much happier than I seem to be describing myself.

#megii's commentary #this is more a ramble than anything else

4 notes · View notes

astrozones · 5 years

Text

Sanders Behavioral Health, Chapter 2: Roman Has a Rough Time

Angsty fic incoming

my discord server if you wanna join- Astro’s Zone

Three hours.

If Roman had to guess how long he had been staring at himself in the mirror, it was three hours.

From an outside perspective, Roman might seem conceited and narcissistic. But while staring at the mirror, all Roman could see were mistakes.

His hair looked messy, people were going to laugh at him.

His freckles stood out. He could cover them with makeup, but if others found out he was wearing makeup- god he could barely stand the thought.

His face looked odd in general. And his weight? Don’t get him started! Looking at his arms, his legs, his chest, all he could see were flaws, flaws , flaws !

Roman felt tears threatening to spill and shoved his head into a pillow. Why did he have to be so… ugly? Why must whatever God up there curse him like this? And no matter how many times his grandparents and aunt told him he wasn’t, he just couldn’t see what the fuck they were talking about.

Well, at least he was in therapy. Maybe they’d fix him.

Roman’s parents weren’t too fond of him, he knew. They were the only ones that would admit the truth, that he was ugly, and that they didn’t deserve such a disgusting son. They would take any opportunity to get him away from them, and once his distant relatives had suggested taking Roman to therapy, citing his ‘sudden declining happiness’, and ‘inability to eat’, his parents had leaped at the possibility, taking the chance as soon as they could.

They had talked about putting him in the six-hour program that started earlier in the day. The only reason they didn’t was because the school would start coming after them for attendance issues. Well, more than they usually did, anyway.

Roman glanced back up at the mirror, frowning. He couldn’t go to school looking like this, no, they’d just make fun of him.

Another day of skipping school it was.

His parents wouldn’t care, they never did until they were being yelled at. He’d just creep downstairs and tell whatever parent was down there taking a swig of alcohol that he was staying home, they’d just grunt and wave him off. And once the school called, they’d tell them he was sick, and rush upstairs to yell at him that he hadn’t told them before heading off to work.

Today was no different.

It was about noon when Roman opened the cupboard for the first time that day. Skimming over the options, he bit his lip. There was nothing there that he wanted . He had everything he should want, plenty of options that many kids would kill to have, and yet Roman didn’t want any of it. He didn’t really know what he wanted, he was barely hungry anyway. He’d just come back to it later and choose something then.

He ignored the voice in his head that told him he wouldn’t.

Grabbing his backpack, he made his way back to his room to start his homework. Well, “start” his homework, which actually meant wallowing in his sorrow while thinking about the week so far.

Therapy was… okay so far. He couldn’t tell them a lot of stuff, just that he was insecure. He wouldn’t tell them about how he hated looking in mirrors, or that he struggled to even eat a snack during the day. No, no, then they would know too much. If his parents found out, there would be consequences. Not hitting or anything! His parents would never abuse him.

Never.

His first day had been mediocre. He filled out questionnaires, and they played a board game for rec. Nothing important. Nothing new. Nothing, just like how he saw himself.

At least he wasn’t the only new kid. There was the hoodie kid, who he had made uncomfortable with his stupid assumptions , and who he had given a terrible nickname to. Really, Roman? You could at least come up with something better . And Patton told him he arrived last week Wednesday, and Logan two days prior. So, all in all, they were all new. Which was great!

Roman couldn’t help but feel happy at meeting the others. Sue him, he loved meeting new people! The prospect of finding out something about a person you barely knew was fun, at least to him.

You should stop, you’re prying into people’s lives when they don’t want you to. The voice in his head said. Roman didn’t acknowledge it in the rest of his internal monologue.

Logan was nice, despite his attitude the day prior. On Roman’s first day, he had been very helpful in his own, stubborn way. They had a couple of back-and-forths, and while that might seem aggressive to others, it made Roman feel more comfortable. Logan liked him enough to argue without any hate behind it.

Patton was unbelievably kind. He would go out of his way to help Roman and Logan, even when they were battling via a board game. Patton had hugged him the moment he saw Roman, but when Roman had seemed apprehensive he backed off a little bit. Not to say that he calmed down in the slightest, he was practically bouncing in his chair when they played.

And then there was Virgil, the one who had taken on the resident ‘New Kid’ title. He was quieter than the others, more resigned. When Roman had actually started getting him to talk, he started coming out of his shell, or hoodie, a little bit. This made Roman extremely happy, at least he was likeable enough for the more apprehensive to talk to him! Roman had also noticed that Virgil had black nail polish on, which made him want to do his own.

Well, Roman never really had good impulse control.

20 minutes later, Roman’s nails were red and absolutely fabulous.

5 minutes later, Roman realized in a panic that he had run out of acetone, and would have to either pick at his nails or go outside with nail polish on. He was a boy! He would definitely get made fun of, and Roman was not in the mood for that today, no thank you.

He settled down on his bed, ‘forgetting’ about the homework that was glaring threateningly at him from his desk.

Roman ignored it.

Roman spent the rest of his free time scrolling through Instagram and YouTube.

And then it was time to go.

Roman settled into the lobby seat, earlier than he had planned. The lobby was silent, and felt awkward with no background noise. He was used to buzzing, the wind, birds chirping, literally any noise, but in here? Nothing.

He wasn’t very comfortable.

Minutes went by as Roman sat, waiting for the others. He knew he shouldn’t have come so early, curse his anxieties over coming in late. He was currently in a very heated stare-off with the carpeted floor as of now. Just waiting.

After what felt like hours, Virgil entered the room in all of his emo glory. He looked surprised at not being the only person to arrive obnoxiously early.

“Oh, uh, hey. Roman, right?” Virgil muttered, walking to the front desk to sign in. Quick, Roman, act normal!

“The one and only,” Roman said, with a grin that felt as fake as the Kardashian’s “drama”. And it appeared Roman was a good actor, since Virgil didn’t react at all other than a scoff. Jesus, the voice in his head said. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re so boring. Roman grinned at Virgil, attempting to seem more… well, positive, but Virgil didn’t seem to notice him. Or he’s just ignoring you.

The receptionist grinned at Virgil once he was done. “You should go sit by Roman and talk!” She said, apparently oblivious to the anxiety radiating between the two. Virgil spluttered for a few seconds before walking towards Roman and sitting down. Both of them were silent for a few seconds, both trying to think of something to say.

“So, what’d you think of your first day?” Roman asked, just barely hiding the stress he was feeling. Acting really was the only thing he was good at, and despite how much his parents shunned it, it was useful in situations like this. Situations he faced every day, really.

“I don’t know, I guess it was fine.” Virgil said. “Nothing really happened, y’know?”

Nothing . He hated that word.

“Eh, you’re right. Still, rec was fun, yeah?”

“Rec?” Was all Virgil said, staring at him in confusion. Oh, right.

“Rec is, well, just what we say to shorten the whole recreational therapy thing. Sorry, I keep forgetting you’re new!” Goddamn it, Roman! You’re such an idiot . “I guess you just… fit right in, yeah?”

“Fit right in with the mentally unstable. Great,” Virgil deadpanned, causing Roman to snort.

“I mean, I suppose you could say it like that.” He said between quiet giggles. He hadn’t expected that answer. Virgil gave a small smile in return, clearly feeling at least a bit awkward. Oops.

“Well, today’s gonna be way different,” Roman started, with a smirk. “‘Cause you’ll have to actually join us in the cafeteria this time.” As he said that, Virgil’s smile slipped and he groaned, practically shoving his face into his palms. Roman laughed. “Me too, man.”

“Really? Would’ve pegged you for the type to be ecstatic about being around others.” Virgil stated, turning in his seat to face Roman a bit more. Roman shrugged in response.

“I mean, kinda? There’s pros and cons to it, y’know? And-” Roman cut himself off before he could continue. Stupid Roman, you don’t just rant all your problems out to an innocent stranger. He shook his head. “Eh, nevermind, I dunno where I was going with that”

Virgil looked slightly concerned, but didn’t comment on it. Roman slapped another cheery grin on his face before continuing. “So, what’d’ya think of the others?”

“Well… one seemed nice, Patton, if I remember correctly. I don’t know about Logan though… No offense to him or anything!”

“Logan’s pretty nice from my experience. I may not have spoken to him long, only a couple days, but those days were pretty chill. I guess something happened? Maybe it was so many new people or something?” Roman started tapping his foot on the ground, and fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket. He didn’t want to insult Logan, but his behavior yesterday was pretty aggressive.

Virgil started chewing on his hoodie strings, which only slightly muffled his voice when he answered. “I guess. I’ll just… go with the flow. I don’t… want to get myself into something I can’t get out of, y’know? I’ve had enough of that in my life.”

“I don’t think I’m following here…”

“Oh! Um, I didn’t really… uh mean to say that out loud…? Heh, sorry… just not really… um, open to talk about that?” Virgil stammered out, shrinking into his hoodie.

“Heyheyhey, no need to worry about it! I’m not gonna pressure you into something you don’t wanna talk about. After all, this is therapy, we’re gonna go through worse. Probably.” Roman quickly responded in a panicked state. Virgil buried his face in his hands once more, muttering “don’t remind me we’re in therapy”. Roman smiled. He didn’t want to call it too soon, but… maybe he could make a friend?

After talking for about 10 minutes, everyone had arrived and Becca called them into the back. From here, it was a game of ‘try to get to the check-in room first’ to get into one of the two spinny chairs. Usually, Patton and Roman would get the chairs, as Logan would say, “There’s no use grabbing a revolving chair when we’re only going to be here for a few minutes.” But with the addition of Virgil to their daily group, Roman wanted to make sure he got one of those seats. They were the most comfortable, and they were fun! Both were a plus.

Arriving first in the room, he plopped down into a spinny chair, spinning himself around before grabbing a check-in sheet. Success!

Becca joined him in the room soon after, Virgil trailing behind her. After Becca handed Virgil a sheet and motioned for him to choose a seat, he sat in the swivel chair beside Roman.

Patton and Logan joined them soon after, having been walking slower while they talked. Patton didn’t look disappointed as he lost the title of Swivel Chair Holder, only smiled brighter as he grabbed a sheet and asked Logan to sit beside him.

Logan himself, however, looked at Virgil and winced, presumably because of his behavior the other day. Logan looked apprehensive, torn between sitting by Patton or apologizing to Virgil. But once Becca kneeled down to show Virgil what to fill out, Logan knew his chance was gone.

Well, that’s what Roman thought, anyway.

The room was silent other than the sound of pen on paper. Roman tapped his foot unconsciously as he thought.

See, at Sanders, they ask you to rate your anxiety, avoidance, and depression every day. But instead of using 0-5 or 0-10 they decided to use a 0-7 scale for who knows why.

So, what was his anxiety today? Roman bit the inside of his cheek as he thought. Maybe a 4? Or maybe a 5? Well, seeing as his anxiety was raising as he struggled to find an answer, he put down 5. As for avoidance and depression, 3 and 4 respectively.

Just a couple more questions down, and then he was free to doodle. It had become a ritual during his time here, despite not being here that long. Today’s piece of art was a doodle of a Prince. A crown, sash, and a dazzling grin, and he was done. He glanced up to see Virgil was the only one still filling out the sheet.

Well, he supposed he could add some more sparkles.

Once Virgil was done, Becca clapped her hands and asked for them to share. Patton went first, going through his emotion, his anxiety, avoidance + depression, and other questions. Logan was next, doing the same but refusing to share his emotion. Then it was Roman’s turn, and he sped through it as quick as possible, not wanting to concern any of the others.

On Virgil’s turn, he went quiet and stuttered numerous times throughout the reading. He was reluctant to speak about the bottom four questions, specifically. Well, kinda. There were the two questions of ‘since yesterday have you had thoughts of harming others/have you actually done it’. There was also the ‘have you had thoughts of harming yourself/done it’. Quietly, Virgil asked not to share, and Becca agreed, though looking thoroughly disappointed.

Pulling out his binder and a pen with an excessive plume, Roman sat down at the middle table. Patton and Logan sat near him, while Virgil took a seat at a corner table, Becca joining him soon after to brief him on the ins and outs. Keep in mind, there were only three tables, so the options were at a minimum.

Shocked back into reality by someone sitting next to him, he turned to see the other therapist, Charlie, seated at his right.

“Hello, Roman! You finished your introduction exposure yesterday, right?” She asked. And she was right, yesterday had been spent introducing himself to the various staff around the building, and at the extreme lack of such, had to introduce himself to some of them twice . At Roman’s nod, she continued.

“So, today we’ll set you up with a couple more exposures, based on what you’ve told us. So, here,” she started, pointing at the next unnamed category on the page. “The first exposure is to put a mark on your face. It has to be noticeable, too. Just use a pen for that one, you don’t need anything special. Then all you need to do is talk to people.”

Nodding, Roman scribbled it down on the page, telling himself he wouldn’t do that one until he absolutely had to.

“And the next one is just wearing jewelry. Anything like a necklace, bracelets, rings, will work fine. You won’t have to wear them the whole day, just do trials for about 30 seconds. If you don’t have anything to wear right now just bring some tomorrow and we’ll start then.”

Fuck. Now he had to.

“Uh, yeah I don’t have any… jewelry. So, for the first one, do I gotta like… do any specific thing, like a word or…?”

“Just a line will do.”

And with that, Roman got up to go to ask to go to the bathroom, only stopped by Charlie’s hand on his arm. He gave her a questioning look.

“I was just gonna go to the bathroom… to put the mark on my face. Is something wrong?” He asked. Charlie shook her head.

“Do it here. If you use the mirror, it will loosen some of the anxiety. The point of this is to combat the anxiety, full on. No avoiding.”

“But I like avoiding.” Roman mumbled to himself. He didn’t think anyone heard, but the quiet giggle from Patton proved otherwise. Charlie just gave him an encouraging smile.

Sitting back down, Roman picked up his pen, while Charlie walked to her computer. Roman stared at the pen as if he were about to make a life-changing decision.

Just put the pen on your face, it’s not that hard . Except it was hard, at least for him. God, he really was a failure if he couldn’t force himself to make a mark on his face.

It was oh-so-simple. A mark on the face. But all Roman could think of were the consequences. They could laugh at him, they could ignore it, and worst of all, they could point it out . Just the thought of people making assumptions or putting themselves in awkward situations just because they didn’t want to embarass him made him want to throw himself off a roof.

He could feel his hands shaking, and, looking down, the rest of him was shaking too. Calm down, he told himself. What was one of the coping methods he learned?

Name 5 things you can see. He glanced around. The table, the window, Patton, Virgil, and his binder. Okay.

4 things you can feel. His clothes, the chair. He could feel his hair flopping into his face, and suddenly another spark of anxiety ignited in his chest. Deep breathing, Roman. Deep breathing. He could feel his hands starting to shake again.

3 things you can hear. All he could hear was the tap of fingers against a keyboard, what else… He strained to hear, and found he could hear the cars on the highway, something his brain had apparently decided to discard. And the sound of the door opening, with Logan walking in to prove it.

What was next? 2 things you could smell. Okay, well, he couldn’t smell much. There was the smell of mint, but other than that he couldn’t smell anything. He found himself glancing around, anxiety increasing once more. And, yes! A whiff of perfume blew past his nose.

1 thing you can taste. Well, not much. Did the inside of this mouth count? Well, he supposed it had to, since he wasn’t about to go lick the wall.

Roman took another few moments to himself, distracting himself by tapping his foot against the floor.

He found himself in front of Nurse Vicki’s office, a pen mark on his face and the dread of what was to come. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and let himself in.

Vicki turned to him. “Hello, Roman,” she greeted. “What do you need?”

What was he supposed to say? Charlie told him he wasn’t supposed to mention the mark, and rather to just make small talk. He would rather have had a topic but he hadn’t taken those improv classes for nothing!

“How has your day been?” he said.

Welp. He had taken those improv classes for nothing.

Vicki explained that she was doing well, she had gone to her sister’s house after group yesterday, so she was happy about that. She didn’t mention the mark.

Thank god .

He cycled through a couple other staff, anxiety slowly loosening its grip as he progressed. And no one had pointed out the mark! When he looked at his sheet after his sixth trial, he noticed his anxiety had went from a 6 to a 4, and he was feeling proud of himself as he walked into the hallway once more.

He spotted Virgil down the hall, fiddling with the timer in his hands. Roman strutted towards him, intending to make Virgil his seventh trial of the mark exposure.

“Hey, Virgil, you busy?” he asked. Virgil shook his head. “Aight, cool. How’re exposure’s going so far?”

“I don’t like them.” Came his response. Roman laughed, replying with, “No one likes them.”

“All I’ve been doing is introducing myself but… I introduced myself to all the staff and I still have 4 trials to go before I’m finished and, honestly-” Virgil ran a hand through his hair, voice strained. “I don’t know what to do and I’ll feel awkward asking Becca what I’m supposed to do now… Sorry for ranting…” He finished.

Roman smiled. “I just finished that exposure yesterday, and Charlie, er, the other therapist, told me we can introduce ourselves to the same staff twice.” Virgil wrinkled his nose at this, frowning slightly.

“If I’m being honest, that’s even worse.” Virgil started fidgeting with the edge of his hoodie. He seemed apprehensive about something, whatever it was Roman had no clue.

“Uh, also… you have a mark on your face. Uh, just figured I’d tell you, sorry”

And with that, Roman felt his anxiety get to a 7 faster than soda out of a newly opened can. “Heh, yeah. I mean, uh- thanks, Virgil. I’ll fix it when I can. Um, gotta go now, so, see ya!” He called as he powerwalked his way back to the cafeteria. He could barely hear anything as he sat down in his seat, staring out the window across from him. Oh, god. Someone had noticed. Someone had noticed and now he was going to laugh at him behind his back. He was going to tell Patton, and Logan, just how stupid Roman was. Roman stopped breathing for a few moments, trying to calm himself down.

Virgil wouldn’t do that, he was just trying to be helpful. And Roman had run away from him, oh god , he was probably confused and Roman had not helped the situation. He supposed he would have to apologize later, he was too frazzled now. He wanted so bad to wipe the mark off his face, but he knew Charlie and Becca would be disappointed in him if he did.

5 minutes later, he felt much calmer, his breathing normal, and his chest felt less compressed. His anxiety had come to a 3, so he stopped the timer at 6 minutes and 24 seconds. He scribbled down the results as Virgil came back into the room, seemingly just out of an exposure, so Roman gave him a smile in lieu of an apology, not allowed to talk to someone while they were in the middle of an exposure.

Roman decided he would apologize at rec.

Roman never got to apologize. Today’s rec was a hands-on activity that left him with no time to talk to Virgil. And just after rec, he saw Logan talking with him, and since he didn’t want to stay there too long, Roman decided he would just get in the elevator.

His mind told him he should take the stairs, else he would just gain more weight.

Once he got down, he took some time to shuffle through his binder, he had a weird feeling that he left something, and-

The elevator dinged, and the door opened as Virgil, Logan, Patton, and their parents shuffled out. Patton tugged on his mom’s shirt, telling her to stop for a moment. He practically bounced up to Roman, a grin on his face.

“Roman! I’m glad I caught you. I got Virgil and Logan’s phone numbers, and I was wondering if I could have yours? No pressure, of course! But it’d be nice if we were in touch outside of therapy. And I can give you the other’s numbers so we’re ALL in touch!” Patton extended his phone to Roman, the latter of which taking it and inputting his number. Maybe this could work out after all?

[ Hey, this is Roman and I sure as hell hope this is Virgil.]

| yea its virgil |

[ Oh thank god. Just wanted to say sorry for running off on you earlier, wouldve said it after rec but i saw you talking with Logan and didnt want to intrude. ]

| don’t worry about it, it’s fine. |

| what’s not fine is you sending that right as i walk into my house |

| i nearly faceplanted the ground cause of you |

[ And i oop- ]

| did |

| please tell me that was ironic |

| i might have a stroke if it wasn’t |

[ Youll never know ;) ]

| oh my god |

| i just |

| i can’t |

| have a good night Roman |

[ Right back at you, buckaroo ]

| oh my god |

30 notes · View notes

lostlonelylotus · 4 years

Text

Another Hiatus?

straight up thinking of taking another hiatus from Tumblr...I hate to, but I’m thinking maybe this place just isn’t good for me, even after such a long time away in the first place. More under the cut, if anyone wants to read it.

So, I struggle with a lot on a daily basis. Things that I don’t even tell what few people are around me in real life, because frankly, I don’t really have anyone to tell that I think would want to help. I’ve had to end a great deal of my friendships because they were unhealthy/toxic and others ended because I’m disabled and cannot keep up with more “social” or outgoing people (which unfortunately is usually interpreted as disinterest because of constant rescheduling or inability to go out).

No one even knows that I’ve started a particularly hard round of chemotherapy that involves painful injections, because I worry that people just get sick of hearing how I’m actually doing versus the image of me they think should be real. I lie and say that I’m fine, when I’m struggling mentally and physically. Very few people know that I’m in such severe constant pain that even with strong opiates, medical cannabis, benzodiazepines and constantly watching my diet, I’m spending 12+ hours a day in bed. I never get below a 6/10 anymore. I can’t remember what anything below that feels like. My body tortures me every waking minute.

I’m back to where I started when I began treatment in 2012 and my mental health has taken a nose dive because it all just feels so futile, you know? Treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery, fighting tooth and nail to have the bare bones of a life only to fail and wind up at square one is...Hell.

Add onto that, that I can’t get a FT job (so no PTO or good health insurance) despite having multiple degrees and that I had a position lined up before COVID that might now no longer even exist when this is all over + that the Part Time job I have that I love has completely changed now that I’m work from home and I HATE these new tasks and miss my coworkers + that I live with an actively abusive family member + that I have no friends beyond surface-level acquaintances despite so much effort to try and make and keep friends + that I’ve struggled my whole life with internalization of everything...and you’ve got a walking disaster of a human being who should probably nowhere near this site.

My therapist is through the school I graduated from, so I can’t even see them, and it wouldn’t matter because our relationship has progressed too far and they just treat my visits like a social hour and we never even talk about my real problems. It’s pretty damn pathetic when your needs don’t even matter to your therapist.

In real life, I’m a doormat to people’s needs. You need a house sitter? That’s me and they’ll pay me pennies to do it. You need someone to teach your children during COVID because we’re co-distancing? You need someone to drop everything and help you? That’s me. But when I need something, anything? A cup of tea or a genuinely asked “How are you?”? Forget it.

I miss fandom. I miss the escape. I miss the discourse. I miss the photosets and the freaking out over characters. I miss fandom buddies.

My experience of fandom since I last left Tumblr maybe 2-3 years ago has been very solitary. AO3 fics that I *do* comment on or discord servers where I’m one of dozens or more of people that no one can really remember because it’s hard to try to “compete” to be heard with 5 other people who are friends that are talking in depth about parts of fandom that you are new to...that and Google bloody Images have been my fandom for the past 2 years.

It’s fucking lonely out here. I feel like a fandom cowboy, alone on a prairie, occasionally passing by other cowboys and wrangling the livestock together for a moment before heading on with a half-hearted tip of our hats. It’s more than likely the reason why I haven’t published a fic in nearly 2 years, even though I’ve completed 1 or 2 little ones. I used to write all the time, all the time. Fics, ficlets, drabbles, headcanons. Screaming into the void is so much harder than just sitting there with your eyes closed and pretending there is no void.

I got into Classic Doctor Who and back into a few “older”/smaller fandoms, and when there’s no fic to be had...your only option really is Tumblr. I was writing again (am writing again?), and the photo/gif sets and the meta had me fucking inspired for the first time in...so long. I was addicted to writing again. Wrote more in the last two weeks than I have in years. Started writing a fic that’s already longer than any I’ve ever written before.

I thought I could handle it, Tumblr helped so much before in the Golden Days of Tumblr. I became part of a huge fandom friend group on Skype back then. I had friends. I had true fandom, not this bizarre one-person-imaginings experience of fandom.

I was able to see something triggering or an opinion I disagreed with or deal with bad anons or any of the bad parts of Tumblr. I was able to see just the good, overall.

But, now, I don’t know that I can? I’m too internalizing now? Someone replies to a post with a minor disagreement and it makes me hate myself. I get a slightly disgruntled anon and I cry. People don’t tag very triggering or super stressful political items anymore, so I can’t “unplug” when I need to avoid seeing things about riots and horrendous crimes against people and so I wind up with an additional panic attack because I can’t do anything about anything.

I don’t know if the vibe of this place has changed or if I’ve become one of the dreaded and dreadful “snowflakes” who just can’t handle shit. I think both, honestly.

And it fucking sucks, okay? Because I was starting to get back into the swing of liking this place. I was starting to branch out and reconnect with folks I knew from before that were/are wonderful or make new fandom acquaintances. I had the carrot of having a collection of true fandoms in front of me. Of feeling connected in this time of horrendous isolation (both for the world and me personally).

But the stick is so much bigger than I remember. So much larger and harder; a tree trunk log instead of a twig switch. I’m not taking little love taps or slightly stinging slaps, I’m being beaten with it. By it.

I don’t know what to do. I want to keep Tumbling. I want to keep building friendships and talking about dumb fandom things. I want to reblog old gifsets and have convos in the tags. I want to share fics/art back and forth. I live for the discussions that I’m starting to have again. I live for seeing 3 bloody notes on an original post I made. I live for knowing that someone, somewhere is seeing something I wrote or made or said and likes it.

I don’t want the internalization of disagreements, of a perceived inferiority to other users, of feeling bad about myself over things that aren’t even a big deal on Tumblr but are to me. I don’t want to feel even more ‘less than’ than I already do.

I don’t want to feel extreme anxiety over the insanity of the world that I can’t escape even on here because tagging is a thing of the past and it’s apparently a major faux pas to ask for tags on triggering content, even if I fully support the matters tagged. I live the insanity okay? I’m a queer, disabled, person of color, in the small-town Midwest living in poverty. I’m not some racist who just doesn’t want to see your protest content. I’m struggling to get by.

Maybe I’ll just stop producing content? Only reblog and like? Only comb through character tags or chat with some of the fantastic people that have offered? My inspiration is declining, along with my mood.

I’d honestly contemplate a permanent hiatus (just not a deletion) if all of the fandoms that I was in had discords, but they don’t. If they do, I don’t know about them. Though, honestly, discord is not the same, and I always feel even more insignificant there. Drowned out or unimportant.

Huh. Drowned out or unimportant, that could really be the title of this pity post. Possibly the title of an autobiography, if I was ever self-indulgent enough to write one.

If you’ve read this whole thing, then wow. Thank you, because you’ve just given more of a shit about me and my feelings than anyone in a long, long time.

This post probably won’t be up long, it was honestly meant to be a pity-party cathartic release of feelings and will, no doubt, make me feel more pathetic the longer I leave it up.

#fandom #personal #I'm contemplating leaving Tumblr again #I just don't know

2 notes · View notes

longeyelashedtragedy · 5 years

Text

this has been the most wild fuckin year so let’s do a Year in Review shall we

in terms of internet and fandom life, that is. my real life has been atrociously boring but who cares about real life amirite folx

january probably the only calm month of the year. i spent the first day of the month watching the brazilian inauguration in burgos, spain with one headphone in, while ordering for my family in a restaurant where nobody spoke english (my sister speaks decent spanish, but my whole family has like 8194814 food restrictions so it kind of went past her level of ability). translating between spanish and english with portuguese in one year was kind of awesome. i watched bodyguard and it was amazing! what else...in january i briefly owned the issue of spanish GQ with Luka on the cover which i then forgot about until november. other than that...? nada. the calm before the storm. (fav music)

february was so long ago that i keep forgetting how insane its 28 days were. probably the wildest month of the year really. i got involved in an absolutely batshit and exclusive group chat with a famous person’s family member (which must remain confidential). it was all sunshine and rainbows for a week and a half and it then devolved into the most absolutely insane Lord of the Flies situation ever--it turned into 1 main chat and then 1 chat that was less puritanical than the main chat, and that chat spawned another chat that didn’t trust the previous chat, and then that chat had a massive argument and a like 6-person bitchy chat modded by a gay guy who does voodoo (shoutout to ALCIDES) spawned from that one. i made it into every level of group chat and was asked by the tiny bitchy chat to spy on the other bitchy chat (i did not lol). i was a member of the tiny bitchy chat until i got a new phone and was logged out of whatsapp for like a month. these words can’t even convey what this chat was like--oh and did i mention it was all conducted in only my 3rd-best language? it’s no wonder my weird ass survived middle school almost entirely unscathed. as this was winding down, on the very last day of the month, I found out about Justin’s involvement in the SNC-Lavalin scandal and decided to go public about my years-long boner for him; Lavscam definitely changed the course of the rest year ~ Oh, also i began helping to repair a friendship that had had some Drama go down so that was p cool ~ (fav music)

march was a Time. The insanity of lavscam helped me finally finish the macdeau I started writing the previous December when a bunch of tungelr people called me disgusting for writing it. i wrote my first straight-up serious explicit porn in years which has wound up being the third-longest thing i’ve ever published on ao3. Also, Hozier released Wasteland, Baby! which made a huge impact on me as well. i spent like half of march staying up till 3:30 am writing said Long Fic, and i was firmly in the closet about stanning manu. also justin almost got a vote of no confidence or something and he got busted for eating a chocolate bar during a parliamentary all-nighter. (fav music)

in april i wrote a ton of fanfic thanks to declining mental health(tm). i think this is when i started my emmanuyell insta account and became really into making weird edits (which i still love doing just...don’t anymore.) i started meeting some cool people thanks to macdeau. what else happened in april? i feel like it wasn’t actually too eventful other than writing a lot of fanfic and being Annoyed about manu. feel free to jog my memory lol. oh i think i wrote “Okay so who from the French national team are we gonna ship Manu with” on twitter after seeing photos of manu + antoine griezmann at the World Cup but nothing came of that...at that time... (fav music)

may saw me having to deal with my shit mental health and up my meds but that seems to have had a good effect because i seem to not be too depressed to write in the winter/fall anymore! it was the 2nd anniversary of manu’s election and at the Christchurch Call in paris, macdeau took that amazing fairytale princess photo together that was completely unrivalled in Gay Shippy Feels moments until ivan went out of his way to kiss luka during the el clásico gameplay last wednesday. someone wrote ao3′s first griezmanu drabble and at the end manu gets down on his knees in front of antoine, takes off his shoes for him, and sucks his dick, and i achieved another state of being entirely. my sister graduated from grad school and when we went down to DC for the weekend i went to eat at this restaurant manu famously ate at while there and ordered the same stuff he did and i have no idea how he consumed all that grease. i learned about the song O Come, O Come, Emmanuel *snort*. i feel like other things happened in may too? OH YES--i got the idea for my magnum opus, Trophy Boyfriend, and started to write it. the first scene i wrote was justin blowing manu in the hallway. then the same day i wrote the scene at the airport (which was the ending for a solid month and half till i realized it shouldn’t be), and the saddest scene in the fic--but we’ll stop to open presents. oh! and i stumbled across the macronists discord chat which is such a delightful little community *weepy sniffles* (fav music)

june was Eventful. a french neonazi on tumblr told me to go let manu fuck me in the ass because i was a fucking degenerate. what a start! then came the ceremony in which manu awarded everyone on the french national team the legion of honor medal and the way he and antoine looked at each other was truly...Wait it was the 3rd Gay Shippy Feels moment of the year. as soon as the ceremony was over i wrote a fic about it and haven’t looked back. between this + watching almost every 2018 World Cup game and the women’s world cup (during which I cried during argentina’s last game because of that miraculous penalty) i finally achieved my years-long goal of getting into Futbol(TM). Antoine dropped his spotify playlist and my crush on him turned into Intense Love (TM) and also he introduced me to some legit awesome artists. which led to (fav music)

july, in which i wrote “ça c’est ma dope” which is definitely the best thing i’ve written since i wrote “modernity towering in front of the sky” almost exactly 10 years before. got embroiled in Soccer Transfer Drama and learned its pain for the first time (unfortunately, since i wound up attaching my heart-wagon to barça’s Suddenly Least Favorite Player, the transfer drama pain has...never ended) became a full-fledged culé, O the joy O the honor. i wanted to ship antoine with someone on the team, which in their current chemistry-less season is a real challenge, but after seeing a few photos i decided it would be fun to casually ship antoine + ivan rakitic (partially because, ever since i went from Enemies to Lovers with the croatia NT during the World Cup, he was one of the only players i knew anything about other than messi, suárez, and piqué lmao). while looking on ao3 to see what kind of headcanons people had about him--and the fic is definitely in general better than what’s out there about antoine, which is perplexing because antoine is much easier to write than ivan--i found That Amazing Rakidric Fic and thought “oh wait that ship makes a lot of sense” and started also shipping ivan and luka with the fire of a thousand suns. oh and my air conditioner was broken for like 3 weeks. i worked on more fics, seriously outlining the path of Trophy Boyfriend, and my music taste was killer. (fav music)

in august i finished Trophy Boyfriend in my neighborhood Starbucks after writing the scene that was giving me the most trouble (the scene at the beginning where they’re organizing their book collection). the fic has made multiple people cry and people disagree on whether justin’s choice at the end was the right one and god i’m so proud of it. Instantly went on to write ‘i might not mind,’ a lively lighthearted Friends to Lovers ivantoine~ romp which was definitely going to be a one-off and i was definitely not going to get an extra celeb crush out of it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (fav music)

in september ivantoine became A Thing in my mind and it’s a whole ongoing slow-burn character-arcy series that has taken a very different turn than i had expected. i’m not saying it’s like, the most deep writing of all time, but it’s gone to some interesting places emotionally. honestly, ships and boners aside, the concept of a person who made some really stupid homophobia 101 comments many years ago slowly realizing over and over again that they have gay feelings for a man who seems rather comfortable with gayness is a fascinating one and one that’s really cool to explore in writing. Or at least, i think so. in many ways ivan is my most unreliable narrator because of the many layers of Discomfort, Emotion and Repression at play in the fic while he’s interacting with this pretty cheery and uncomplicated seeming-dude who’s still perceptive enough to sort of know what’s going on (and that’s not even adding in the star player/falling from grace former rockstar dynamic!!!) i know in the current climate it’s Not Allowed to write about someone who said a bad, but luckily i’m too old to give a Fuck. ivantoine is hard to write but it’s my bff’s favorite ship of mine and has a few other excited fans on ao3 which tbh is kind of an accomplishment considering i made it up out of thin air and it’s not something you’d ever think would be a thing. instantly also developed ‘getting called out about ivan by a child on the internet’ as a goal. and...i achieved my dream of leading high holiday services!!! (fav music)

october had more high holiday services and i worked a lot on certain fics (including d*janfic which would be fun to finish). i came up with the idea of a Very Long Rakidric Fic based on the translation of a gorgeous croatian folk song i sang in college (Janko fell asleep under the poplar/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/Under the poplar's golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/I tore off the golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me--in which the golden branch is a reference to a way to get into the underworld). decided to start quarter-assedly learning croatian for fun. Fun...ha. other than fangirling a lot and watching the croatian NT play, october was pretty uneventful? i think? Justin got reelected and mauricio didn’t ;( (fav music)

in november i finally achieved my dream of having a literal child on the internet call me out about being attracted to a homophobe. (they were a madridista even!) accidentally started writing some more rakidric and now i’m seriously hooked. also accidentally came out of the closet about the secret crush i’d been harboring on luka modric and then one fateful day in the ihop on 14th st i realized i’d had this crush already and repressed it from my memory. Don’t do that kids! now it’s Hurting Really Bad. Ivan dropped the most pathetic and candid interview like...ever and i hope “¿Cómo puede disfrutar uno? Jugando al fútbol. ¿Cómo se siente mi hija pequeña cuando le quitan un juguete? Triste. Yo me siento igual. Me han quitado la pelota, me siento triste” goes down in the history of most epic futbol quotes of all time. (still haven’t actually been able to watch this because no one has uploaded it anywhere) What else...............Am i forgetting anything? i celebrated my birthday with @tender-vittles in epic fashion after two years of Not doing that, and turned 32 going on 15. enjoyed my first-ever “x reader” fic (zlatko dalic x reader LOL) and finished “drive your plow over the bones of the dead” which was real fucking good. i saw hozier live and it was a religious experience and i unexpectedly cried during nina cried power and then called myself “Luka B” when ordering at the classy taco bell across the street after getting a glimpse of alexxx ryan in the flesh. (fav music)

now it’s december and my seasonal depression is a little worse than it’s been the past few years but i’m managing. still shipping and writing and i just got called out about ivan again last week. i’m 2 for 2 here! el clásico was boring but also it was gay and my heart my heart my heart ! Anything could happen in the last 10 days of this year and honestly...I’m pretty sure I’m ready.

Most importantly this year, despite it being not that great in a lot of ways, I developed a lot more self confidence, made many important realizations, and became a lot more peaceful (despite how this post makes me sound) and wiser and less bitter and pessimistic. And i became outspoken enough about antisemitism on the left to lose friends over it...3 for 3. i can’t say i’m displeased with these developments.

Hasta 2020! <3

#about me #originals #GPOY #2k19 you were...wow #17 #there are def awkward omitted words here i apologize

5 notes · View notes

strawberrii-milktea · 5 years

Text

Semi-hiatus

Hey everyone,

I’m back? Sort of?

I’m not entirely back, I wouldn’t be spending a lot of my time on here, or at least I’m planning on not spending so much time here unless it’s on the weekends.

I took a few days to myself, really got to thinking. Ya know, about who I am and what kind of person I wanna be. Lots of heavy stuff I’m still mulling over at the moment. I’m thinking about stuff with my living situation, which can go three ways.

First way is I stay where I live currently, which is not ideal, I’m suffering so much everyday and I’m just so lonely. I won’t get into it too much because that belongs on my vent blog.

Second way is I move back home with my parents, I’m craving social interaction so much and I just miss my family too much. If I do move back home though, I doubt I’ll be on Tumblr or Discord at all. My parents (specifically my mom) is very... iffy about the internet and she’s very... helicopter-y. Even though I’m 20 years old she’ll still give me that whole “people on the internet can’t be trusted” talk. AGAIN.

The third way is I could go inpatient. To be totally honest, my mental health has been declining so much there are days when I just don’t feel safe being by myself. If I do that, I will not have ANY connection to Tumblr or Discord for who knows how long.

I have been tossing these options around in my head these past few days and I’m still thinking them over. Obviously once I figure it out, I’ll let y’all know. Especially if I go inpatient, just so nobody panics.

But yeah, I’m kind of back! I’ll be monitoring my time I spend on here and limiting it on the weekdays because I’ve become so obsessed with it. 😅

Thank y’all for being patient with me, I appreciate it ❤️

Love, Steven

[ 11/29/2019 at 12:10 am ]

#mine #textpost #semi hiatus

4 notes · View notes

witchofthefuture · 5 years

Note

Why aren't you around anymore? Where have you gone and do you plan on coming back?

Ohhhhh boy. This is a big question Anon. I’ll do my best to answer it the best I can.

The shortest answer I can give is: My mental health has rapidly and significantly declined and Tumblr is too stressful and problematic to handle with my life the way it is.

I’ll start from the beginning. I started this blog October 2016. I was a little edgy 16 y/o teen who was trying to learn about Tarot Cards in order to cope with a stressful home life and school life. I made edgy comments, was rude and very likely hurt people that I respect nowadays. Eventually, I met someone called Black-Star-Alchemist on a day that I was feeling very angry at the world.I joined their discord, a discord server for witches with chronic illnesses (I can’t quite remember?) and was preparing to be a stupid, edgy twat but at the last minute reconsidered and tried to learn about them and their views. I eventually became very good friends with BlackStar and their other friends, including Lux. Those who have been my followers for a while might remember the Lux situation. Something broke out between BlackStar and Lux and I, being the type that would die for my best friend, defended BlackStar in the awful situation that transpired. I have changed in the meantime, and I am not like my past self any longer.I won’t bring it up too much but during the situation I was also dealing with another mess. My mental health.

College was messing me up with stress as well as dealing with partner issues with my ex and current fiancé. I had also, if I remember correctly, posted two replies to a post when I was very frustrated from work and home. At the time I was volunteering at a children's creche and a male abuse survivor shelter and had gotten back angry and sad at the world.

A post came up on my feed and I immediately reacted to, without thought. This is the first post. This is the second post. Those two posts have caused me great fear and upset over the last two years. Something that I have mostly kept away from my followers were not only the death threats, but the r*pe and kidnapping threats as well as those people finding out where I lived, where I studied, my face and my family as making threats against those as well. I have been in hell because of two, small, emotionally charged posts that I made as a 17 year old. I have been harassed online and offline and because of those two posts, it has resulted in my mental health taking a very sharp downturn.

2018 was also a very rough year. When you have an online audience it’s hard to tell them everything. And when the worst thing happens to you, it’s hard to tell anyone. 2018 was my first-hand experience of death. I had a man, a man who had acted more like a father to me in less than 24 hours than my real father had in 17 years, die in my arms as I struggled to start his heart with CPR. How do you tell someone, anyone, that you have just had someone die in your arms while you reminded them of their daughters in their last moments? You can’t. At least not easily. And I didn’t. Only with my closest friends and family and that was extremely hard to tell what had happened.

My panic attacks have gotten worse since then. My depression and suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. I had barely any support, with only my fiancé knowing of what is going on inside my head and even that, with what is going on in my life, seems to be failing.

I eventually tried to move away from Tumblr, to deal with my own problems in a way that would please me and improve my health, and not for the people in the large Tumblr community that I have so often seen sitting in complacency writing out online “You can do it!” and “You’ll be alright!” without asking the “How can I help”’s and the “What can I do to help you”’s. I needed to be away to take care of myself and my blog did not offer that long-term help. So after the Tumblr S** Ban passed, I left. I’ve moved on to other social media that offer kinder environments but of course, I still tried to occasionally reblog on my blog here to help others.

My declining mental health is why I am not very active Anon. I’m sorry. I can’t offer anyone here a fix for my absent blog and my inactivity.

I have moved to Reddit in the mean time. I do plan on coming back to Tumblr for much longer when my mental health has moved into the green and that I can be more resilient against what I quite frankly see as a threatening environment. I only rarely check this blog every month or so. If anyone wants to contact me on Reddit however, my username is the same there as it is here.

I’m sorry about my absence. I hope this isn’t a huge thing to dump on you all, I just needed to get some shit off my chest and tell you all the truth. I’m not going to ask for sympathy or pity, just for understanding of what is going on in my life.

#ask #tw: rape #tw: trauma #tw: death #tw: suicide mention #I hope you all understand now

2 notes · View notes

dracomai · 6 years

Text

HIATUS NOTICE. i don’t care much for formatting so i’m not gonna sit here and quadruple space this shit so take this as it is. i hope it’s not too long. but - i’m kinda leaving tumblr kinda not. basically? i have to get my shit together. it’s eight in the morning, i’m full of anxiety and i’ve been meaning to make this post for a few days now after talking to one very special friend <3 but today i finally decided to sit down and get this shit out. i’m only saying all of this shit because i have my friends here and people i genuinely love and care about and i don’t want to just drop off without explaining.

so? my mental health has been on a rapid decline, i’ve been frequenting dissociative states and full blown anxiety attacks, breakdowns, overall shit that’s not good. around this time last year my uncle i was close to passed away and that’s contributing to this, that and my school anxieties and struggles. everything is literally putting too much pressure on me, so much so that my parents are FINALLY going to help me get the mental help i’ve needed since i was a literal kid. i’m going to be seeing someone weekly, i’ll finally get on the medication i was supposed to have been taking for years now. ( my parents didn’t let me. in their words: only crazy people take meds ). on top of this, okay so this next topic is something that i’ve held to myself up until a few days ago. i’ve been battling a drug addiction for a long time now, and that’s something else that i’m going to be getting help on. no it’s not weed but please don’t ask because i WON’T go into detail about it. but i’m sick, my body is sick, my head is sick and i need to get healthy. i’ve been having suicidal thoughts i’m not even gonna keep that to myself, and i’ve relapsed into harming myself. i just know if i don’t take my time to leave i won’t be good and i wont get any better. i might even be sent to live with family in texas to get a change of pace so honestly? this isn’t the last anyone’s gonna hear from me at ALL. this is just me straight up saying THIS is what this is, and HERE’s what’s gonna happen. i’ll pop on occasionally, as of right now all of my blogs are on this hiatus effective immediately. i love you all, all the friends i’ve made and the one’s i’ve lost. and i’m thankful to have met all of you. i’ve made many mistakes on this site, but now’s the time to leave and grow just overall better myself. this isn’t a goodbye forever. i just want to be a good person, become a good person. i want to be healthy and i want to live the best life i can. i love you all. cheers to the first big step in the right direction. again, i’ll pop on occasionally to reply to things when the urge is there. otherwise, you can find me on:

DISCORD DROP: MASEJANDRO#8609

#i'm crying so much typing this but i needed to get this out.#i'll be on discord and i'll reblog this a few times.#suicide mention /#suicide /#drug mention ./#self harm /#self harm mention /

41 notes · View notes

joeverhart · 5 years

Text

⋰ ◇ ⋱ ◇ ( nineteen / cisfemale / she/her ) was that ( maia mitchell ) i saw walking into ( west bank bookstore )? i better look again, because that was just ( josephine everhart ). i wonder how long they’ve been in town. i’ve heard ( two months ), but i don’t know if that’s right. ( she ) has been pretty ( proactive ) but ( high-strung ) lately. i wonder if it has to do with the fact that they’re a ( witch ). ( sav, 18, she/her, est )

hello hello! my name is sav and this is jo!! i will be doing a volunteer shift at a pet rescue i work at when plotting goes live, so, unfortunately, i won't be online! but, my discord is sav #4959 and i’d love love love to get some plotting done with you guys there! anyways, under the cut is some information about jo! if you like this post, when i get back online i’ll shoot you a message!

biography:

jo grew up actually not too far outside of poplar grove! she grew up in the suburbs of new haven, ct. she lived with her father in a small two-story house that had been in their family for years.

she never knew her mother, but got her abilities as a witch through her.

she and her father spent nine pleasant years together in the home before things took a turn for the worst

her father is an experimenting pharmacist, though, (tw: drug abuse) his own health declining due to years of prescribing himself unnecessary medications to help him get through his day

this medication didn’t just have an effect on his health, it also affected his mental and cognitive abilities.

(tw: abuse and drug abuse) when jo first started demonstrating symptoms of magic as a young child, her father ignored it. he was convinced it was some kind of hallucination from the drugs, or that he was making up the whole thing. however, when the drugs did start giving him hallucinations, combined with young jo showing more and more abilities with her magic, he became enraged. he was never a man of anger until the drugs made him one. every time he saw jo, he was convincing himself she was an abomination, something to be feared. the little spurts of magic that she couldn’t control were magnified times ten in his mind. he tried to kick her from the house several times, but the almost ten-year-old josephine didn’t understand, she kept coming back. he was convinced that she was out to get him, so every time he saw her, he beat her.

(tw: abuse and drug abuse) after months of this routine, josephine found the connection. she began hiding her father’s pill bottles whenever he was at work, flushing them down the toilet or stockpiling them in her room. he never stopped completely, still getting them from work, but jo managed to get him out of the manic state. calmed, now, he recognized josephine as his daughter, but was still aware and disgusted by her powers. he no longer tried to kick her form the house, but he neglected her, and on bad nights, would still abuse her and send her out of his sight.

this treatment lasted until she moved to poplar grove, two months ago. however, after years of growing up in it, she found her ways around it. in middle and high school she’d stay at the school as long as she could until the administrators left, usually then spending time at the public library or a kind coffee shop until late at night. she’d sneak into the house, and only try for food when she heard her father’s door click shut, and the tv turned on.

she fended for herself from a young age, and only knew about her heritage through scourging the internet. she didn’t know why her fingertips would spark when she was angry, or why she sometimes could push her father off of her with what felt like the wind. when she finally came to the answer, she was amazed.

so, all of her free time was dedicated to learning and honing in on her craft. through her searching, she found poplar grove. she graduated high school, somehow, and immediately spent the year after working to save up enough money to get an apartment.

as soon as she was able to, she moved out of her dad’s house. that’s not to say that she didn’t go back, she still goes back to see him every other week or so, to deplete his medication supply and make sure the bills were being paid, etc.

personality:

a troublemaker to the core. her mouth constantly would land her in detention or on the wrong side of a fight, and she never seemed to learn her lesson

she was terrified of being outed as different or as a witch in school, so whenever she’d get in a fight, she’d have to just let it happen. it didn’t mean, however, when she could get away with it, she didn’t. whenever someone threatened her in an area with no witnesses, she wasn’t afraid to let a bit of her magic show.

she’s outspoken and loud, but extremely hard working.

practically speaks in only sarcasm

is a big book nerd. reading was her way of escaping, and it carried with her through life. now her focus is more on spellbooks and the history of witches, but she’s an aspiring author.

she’s even working under an author to see the process!

she works at sunnyside diner and is an assistant to an author. she is also starting online schooling to get her writing degree, while also trying to learn more about her abilities as a witch

overall shes just a mess. she has a good heart and a good head, but often gets sidetracked by distractions and bad influences (she dabbles in dark magic)

will fight you, but has the muscle mass of a baby carrot so probably shouldn’t

if you like this, ill shoot you a message when i get back tonight!

#( this got long )#( the bio is long but you can just read the personality section and get a good handle for her ! )#( about . )#clawhq.intro

3 notes · View notes

orbemnews · 4 years

Link

The hot new thing in tech: speaking into your phone “This is my way to debrief and tell everybody what’s going on,” she told CNN Business. “It’s not like it used to be where I would wait until I was going to see my friends over the course of the next week for drinks or for brunch.” For years, Apple and others have offered the option to record short messages and send them via text and chat apps. But the format has gained new appeal for many in the United States during the pandemic as we approach a year of limited opportunities to socialize with friends, family and coworkers. Romina Hyskaj, a 23-year-old recruiter who lives in New York City, uses them mainly to keep in touch with her parents who live six hours away, noting that “it can get your tone, attitude, or joke across.” Nick Hofstadter, a 38-year-old luxury travel adviser in Los Angeles, sends voice notes to a handful of close friends, mostly to tell funny stories with a more “dramatic effect” and to avoid sending long text messages. (He prefers using voice notes on iMessage over Instagram so he can listen to it before sending.) And it’s not just voice messages. Voice is having a moment — and the tech industry is taking notice. Clubhouse, a buzzy audio-only app where members join virtual rooms to have live, unscripted discussions, launched early in the pandemic and now has 10 million weekly active users and thousands of “rooms,” according to a spokesperson. Facebook and Twitter are both experimenting with their own versions of Clubhouse. Twitter has also launched voice tweets and voice messaging within direct messages in select markets within the past year. Twitter spokesperson Aly Pavela told CNN Business people are “now using their voice to speak for hours on end” about topics ranging from mental health to skincare. Facebook, which already offered voice messages in several of its products, said it’s seen this format increase in usage on Messenger in the US over the past year. Discord, which offers voice channels, is also immensely popular. (Apple declined to comment on usage of its voice memos.) Clubhouse’s two founders, Paul Davison and Rohan Seth, summed up their thinking on the power of voice-focused products in a blog post shortly after the app launched last year. “Instead of typing something and hitting Send, you’re engaged in a back-and-forth dialogue with others,” they wrote. “The intonation, inflection and emotion conveyed through voice allow you to pick up on nuance and form uniquely human connections with others. You can still challenge each other and have tough conversations — but with voice there is often an ability to build more empathy. This is what drew us to the medium.” Voicemails 2.0? The rise in voice tech is a throwback to an era that was supposed to be long over, when people left voicemails and spent hours talking on the phone. “The telephone call is a dying institution,” declared a CNN story from 2012. Similar stories from the 2010’s noted how teens prefer texting to calling, and how even a ringing phone for older people can feel like a nuisance. Now, voice is once again part of the future major tech companies are betting on — as evidenced by the Clubhouse wave. The company reportedly raised $100 million recently, which valued it at $1 billion. “It feels like a 1990s flashback when chat rooms were all the rage … the same thrill of interacting with strangers, the same challenges of managing inappropriate and hostile behavior, and the same curiosity from users about learning about a new technology,” said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas and the author of the recent book “Relating Through Technology.” “Maybe people find it more enjoyable right now because of the shut-in feeling of the pandemic and the desire to connect with others, even strangers,” he added. But Hall cautioned that like chat rooms, voice chat apps could “fall by the wayside” as people move on to other things when life goes back to normal — with the possible exception of a “small niche of users” who could choose to stick with this format. Voice messages, in particular, have long been popular in other parts of the world, with some using them to do everything from interact with delivery workers to chatting with loved ones who live overseas without having to “think about the time zones you’re in,” according to Aleena Khan, who runs a cosmetics startup in Dubai and uses the feature. Himanshi Parmar, a 27-year-old visual designer and artist in Goa, India, has also found voice notes can help cut across generational barriers with her mom, who “hates typing and hates using the phone.” Now, voice notes — and perhaps voice features generally — are becoming more ubiquitous in the US for a range of reasons including convenience, the need for intimacy at a time of isolation and the desire to avoid the hassle of setting up a video call (and to look presentable). Plus, many are likely feeling some Zoom fatigue. “For so many of us, we’re separated from family and friends right now,” said Carla Bevins, an assistant professor at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business who specializes in online and interpersonal communication. “Using voice notes lets us imbue closeness, love, and connection within our messages.” Hall said an added part of the appeal — beyond conveying more emotional nuance — is how easy voice notes are to record, store and replay. “Back when we had answering machines, people used to save important messages, particularly from loved ones, sometimes for as long as the machine had space and power to store those messages,” he said. “People don’t use voicemail in the same manner, partly because the phone is not the easiest way to leave a message for another person — that would be a text.” Prior to the pandemic, Giuliani said there were many friends she didn’t talk to daily. Voice notes have changed that. “It’s kept some of my friends and I really close together,” she said. “We send over voice notes and we’re chatting every single day, way more than we ever did before the pandemic.” She added: “I can’t believe that we didn’t before.” Source link Orbem News #Hot #Phone #Speaking #Tech #Thehotnewthing:speakingintoyourphone-CNN

0 notes