#im gonna think abt it on the way home..
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i kind of just realized that literally everything i do is a job to me
#vent incoming#im gonna think abt it on the way home..#yap#a guy called me a workaholic and i feel like thats true in even more ways than the conventional conception of it#:(
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thinking about kusuke being a "leave me alone, get out of my room" preteen and kusuo being just a kid, still with that hopeful sparkle in his eye and not fully aware of his burdens yet, just wanting to have a brother..
i just. really want to know more about the transitional period between when kusuo was happily participating in their silly little games -> when kusukes resentment got to be too much for either of them to handle and kusuo came to the mindset he has now about being almost fearful of him..
#yea. sorry. yea.#i love the saiki siblings i need them to be happy. i also want to torture them with everything in me.#im not gonna bring up the sa thing again because i dont want to hear people complain abt it but i def think that had to do with ir#i mean. its also the fact that it used to be silly harmless things in the comfort of their home#and now kusuke is like. an adult with nukes LMAO#i just refuse to believe that everything changed JUST because they got older#kusuke has literally tried to KILL kusuo.. theres no way there was no significant turning point#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#saiki kusuke#meows post
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parents will literally blame insane shit on you
#im so fucking tired dude. i want to break something so bad rn holy shit#the gall they have to tell me i dont care about my future. just cause i dont think getting into another year of studies literally suddenly#like 'do it today because the time slot ends today and if you dont do it we're making u pack up ur house and move back with us' suddenly#cause if i dont do it i dont care enough abt my future#dude................. ive been working my ass off so hard the past few months????#thunderclap#im not gonna go on a rant cause ill get even madder but god im fucking pissed. great way to start the day dude just so fucking cool forever#love this love this love this#im not even home im at my bfs house and havcing to deal with this shit and then later today i have more shit
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sum thoughts... (twsb trans hcs)
edit: +
thinking... cooking
UGHHJ I AM THINKING ABT THIS NOW.... first the gay/bi sexuality metaphor w cedric, now trans metaphor with ga-in... I AM THINKING. o(-< 🔥
#twsb liveblog#i'm just gonna use that tag for misc twsb thoughts idk#trans hc#ough im going to be thinking abt this a lot actually#it fits with how ga-in hasnt been given a canon design too unlike yeseo whose original body is featured a lot in official arts#it also fits with how ga in is shown to have hated her old life and views being transmigrated as a second chance/rebirth#unlike yeseo who rly wants to get back home and doesnt see his transmigration that way
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paying 30€ for a tiny ass bottle of sunscreen....... valid reasons my mother should despise me
#bc 1. i have sunscreen at home and 2. if i wanted (non-expired) sunscreen i couldve asked her to go to the pharmacy#where we get a discount and buy it there!!!!!! (i need a sunscreen for sensitive skin)#but i wouldve needed to tell her last week bc yknow. pharmacies r closed on weekends unless que estén de guardia SO.#either way i would kill ME for this if i could#also i do not have sunglasses (she told me to take mine) or a cap to protect me from the sun tomorrow#im basically going to the desert but right next to a river. for the entire day. fun stuff! gonna get so sunburnt....#i think im gonna take the sunscreen bottle and just reaply it whenever. bc as much as i like to get tan i dont wanna get red yknow#times like these i think abt my grandma telling me how she used to work in the fields during the summer w her dads longsleeve shirts#so she wouldnt get sunburnt (or tan bc tan=working class=poor)#z xarre
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oh shit did i forget to come out on this blog
#uhh surprise goat lore coming this june FKJDHG#i think i left it on my main oops <3#could repost it here but uhhhhh idk what to say tbh! i also. dont know how far down it is </3#this is only very slightly related to the last thing i posted it just happened to remind me abt it#still gay trans and happily queer all round btw. but i have acquired a New Thing after 5 years of fist fighting this label#i could just repost the doodle i made but i think my ipad is dead#and im also Exhausted i want to go to bed soon </3 gonna go collect the minions#TWO animals jumped out at me on the way home. guy bothered me at my car. and i had to kill a mouse today 😔#other than all that work was fun today tho i got to talk about bugs hehe#chat
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mini life update in the tags bc i need somewhere 2 rant < 3
#u can ignore but!#in the process of secretly prepping to cut my mum off bc shes got total financial control over me (im 26)#i got a lot of money when i was 18 from an accident n shes basically in control of my assets bc she made it that wah#*way#if that makes sense#like i can only access my money if i go to the bank with her. she lives in a house i boyght her free of charge#sje bullied me into biying another house in wales so she can rent it out as a holidah home n use it as a free holiday spot n said i would#get an income from it but shes given me nothing in the 4/5 yrs weve had it#she put her name on the deeds to all my assets#so i have money but it is inaccessible#i need some bc i need to fund my phd next year but sje wont help me#anyways! thats lowkey besides the point#my dads got a brain tumor n my mum doesnt know i still see my dad bc she thinks i havent spoke to him since je left like 3 yrs ago#but i helped hjm leave bc she was abusing him n had been since i was like 9#n now im stressed out bc my dads not well and i feel like um running out of time with him#but hes in the hospital at the minute after having a siezure a few weeks after his brain surgery#so ive visited him like 3 days in a row n he remarried this year and my stepmum/sisters are so nice#its like having a real family#and it makes me feel guilty yo say that abt my mum n sister#like the guilt of havi g a bad parent is so real tonight fellas im just gonna sit n cry for a few dags#tbd.#if u read this far i love u .. whats hr zodiac#but yeah! this is why im so inactive#n bc im doi g my masters degree but . that pales in comparison rn
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‘she started it’ yeah i did tbf
#last week me and my sister nearly got in a literal punch up over a mcflurry#this week? a pair of socks#so yk when I said that my sister incites my temper in a way no one else can like she’s the only one that makes me hair-trigger#i don’t like it bc i dont think ‘I’m gonna hit her’ is a good response to being slighted like it’s just lazy and unproductive#but my sister makes me actually physically violent I can’t express that enough something about even the dumbest arguments#has me literally holding myself back from clobbering her and ik she feels the same abt me#so that’s my justification for why her stealing my socks (claiming they’re hers) led to me emptying all of her drawers onto the floor#and she reciprocated by emptying all my clothes from my uni bags#and my mum came upstairs and my sister was just like 🧍🏻♀️she started it🧍🏻♀️#like girl 😭😭 i know i did but come on#and I’m just sat on my bed on my phone like 😋#this is acc gonna kick off properly I can tell it is I’m genuinely so pissed rn#gonna steal every pair of her socks until she gives mine back#wait that’s acc so funny im gonna do that 😭 pray for me besties#hella goes home
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...
#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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i need to give up giffing so i can focus on my main hobby (writing)
#i told myself id write a little bit more once i came home and i not only did not do that#i spent like an hr in ps just playing around w adjustment layers 😭#and ik thats not rlly gonna change the way i color things too -_-#now that im thinking abt it i dont think ive been consistent w my writing since i started giffing lol#<- girl who cant balance multiple things at once#vinnie talks
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.
#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!
#purrs#imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i#get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i#am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of#course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into#the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere#so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the#way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT#SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#delete later#like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy)#it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more#than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE#psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si#since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i#just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being#RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy#like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I#it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal
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A big thank you to my mutuals who like my nervous breakdown 2-4am posts. You're the backbone of my blog
#its like im not completely alone#idk#what losing a cat does to a woman i guess but#lets be real i was like this before#im just a sad person who laments more than takes action and#i think ill be sad forever probably#in that way some people are#i feel like im one reality over from where im supposed to be yakno?#i used to have this image id hold onto of leaves in the sunlight when i was a kid and i kept waiting for someone to talk to me who#would take me wherever that was#maybe thats the nature of never fitting in u get too in your head and then#reality doesnt feel like home#yeah ive heard people say shit like that sbout books#sorry im not wearing my glasses#lately days blend together and i feel like i cant hold into time#and people talking to me (when they do) sounds miles away#takes ages to get to me if it does at all#oops! sounds like im dissociating hahahahaah oh fuck#when u write it all out. stares at ya right in the face#if im not doing something it feels like my anxiety will latch onto anything#like. rn i feel like im gonna throw up bc of like 5 different things about my car#car insurance. registration. trying to find a job#then it spirals into what ifs. and how thatd suck#constantly this shit. constantly! the only reprieve is going to hang w my grandmother who is 90 and talking about death a lot#😵💫#but shes my best friend so ???! fuck!#man idk. im so sad. idek what to do abt this. work out#maybe get a new actor to have a crush on#what makes people happy? idk
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i’m crying you did NOT gaf about LH1 😭
oh i loved LH1 !! I think it's an absolutely bonkers insane piece of art but it's not really an album that I can listen to tbqh and i do not say that in a derogatory way at all. it just sends me into absolute hysterics every time and that's not very productive for me, so i dont really listen to it (just bc i genuinely can't handle it) and, because of that, im not personally chomping at the bit for LH2 (even if I know a ton of people are) because I just know that I, Jess, am not the target audience for it and i shouldnt have to pretend that i am
#it's an incredible album !! it's a masterpiece !! luke is one of the most phenomenal poets/songwriters ive ever read/listened to#but like that shit fucks me up in a way i cannot describe lmfao#i genuinely cannot listen to LH1 without having a full blown hyperventilating crying breakdown. like it's my anxiety attack album y'all#music has a really strong affect on me. i am really sensitive to auditory stimulants and so i cry *super* easy to music#so if i listen to LH1 i have to be prepared to bawl my eyes out for multiple hours#and i usually dont have time to spend crying so i dont really listen to it. i mean baby blue + saigon i will BUMP i fucking LOVE those song#but the rest of the album just hits too close to home. and i know that's what so many people *love* about it#and what makes it so incredible. but for me? i would just rather listen to songs that make me happy#i thought abt not answering this ask bc i think it might be ~controversial~ lols#but the fandom is so small on tumblr now that im actually just gonna say whatever tf i want moving forward dfghjk#this is my turf !#(secret time) i also have <3 personal resentment of LH1 bc of how fans treated superbloom <3#but what're u gonna do abt that yknow#not luke's fault. his artistry is incredible. ashton's is too. and they attract different types of listeners#and just bc im a 5sos fan doesnt mean i have to love all their solo projects yknow?? it's just abt what i enjoy as a listener :)#pigeon#anon#i feel so brave saying this#will i get attacked#i doubt it. surely there's not enough people left on here to care dfghjk#if my luke friends see this im sorry guys i love him ily i love his album i have NO bad things to say about it from an artistic point at AL#it's a masterpiece !!!#i just dont listen to it#and nobody gets to make me feel bad abt that >:(
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play online with your friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#this was made because of tf2#i wanna play but unfortunately i think people will want me FUCKING DEAD KILLED AND MURDERED irl if im bad at the game ive never played befo#ofc not gonna happen but what if a person on the internet thinks that for half a second then forgets??? ill be ruined!! tarnished forever!!#apparently#according 2 my brain#fun fact i found out abt tf2 via sfm and looked it up#(i was tiny itty bitty btw this is important information)#and i heard stuff about it being shut down FOREVER!!!!!!! and unplayable and stuff.. & just believed it and went OK!!! tf2 doesnt exist#& then i prompty forgot#until recently but it looks soooo fun#but also i have an anxiety disorder that kept me from leaving my house and home 99% of the time for 2 yrs#and now im TEARING EVRYTHING UP#LET ME IIIINNNNN LET ME IN TF2#also applies to lethal league but to a lesser extent#sorry for rambling#funny how i use ta spend 100% of my time on animal jam (an online game) and now if i even THINK about an online game im like#“yeah but imagine if the entire userbase wanted you dead lol” like OKAY BRAAINNN#nothing happened on aj to make me feel this way btw i look back on aj very fondly#i do still think that da stamp from user thisdastampdoesnotexist still applies#that one where its like#animal jam logo on a black background with white text reading “i will ruin your life and everything in it”#i love that thang sm#<3 animal jam sucked lowkey but i still love it to death#and im talking about CLASSIC not fucking PLAY WILD which i will never not call play wild because its play wild#you will never be animal jam classic animal jam play wild#my relationship with animal jam is like that screenshot of a set of text messages that read as follows:#Imy 😢😢😢#i miss you too 🥺#i was so drunk i dont miss you bitch#<- me and animal jam
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look, liam , after getting home, would be a nightmare to take places. bryce, owen, whoever, would dread taking him to social functions, but not because of concern for him . no, its because he would NOT realize when certain terrible things are inappropriate to say to strangers. people would be joking about murder or smth which is actually not too ridiculous of a topic to joke about, and hed try to chime in with "yknow, i have actually tried to kill someone before, and it is NOT how anyone actually expects haha. way more surreal and upsetting that people think" and itd be an actual attempt to join in but whoever brought him would have to very quickly go HES JOKING. i promise hes joking. haha liams sooooo funny. it would only then occur to liam that oh, that WASNT a normal thing to say was it. and then theyd leave
#hfjone#look you dont spend over a year on the plane and then however long hes stuck in airys world alone#wo forgetting many social conventions. ESP liam 'autism haver expert' plecak#he already was bad at knowing when you Dont Say Things. this would only be worsened by 200%#like w bryce? ive always felt like hes actually. despite the autism. very good at navigating social settings bc hes practiced it sooo much#and while i think hed struggle after getting back home hes still pretty practiced in it and would be able to get back into it#WAY faster than liam. esp bc he NOTICES when he Fails So Bad at social stuff#where liam doesnt#(also mostly discussing liam n bryce bc tbh? amelia wouldnt be dissuaded from going to social stuff w liam#shes like bryce in that she is able to navigate things herself but im not sure if this applies to knowing when its others#idk id have to think abt it more! either way. amelia and liam in a social setting soon after him getting back would be a huge disaster#and i love them for it)#(ALSO if any of this is a little innaccurate i am sooo sorry. im gonna rewatch rly soon like maybe tonight but im thinking abt this#also bc i found a pic from a while ago that was gonna have this and tbh ill never finish the drawing. this is the closest ill get yknow#think of this as smth of a successor to the 'drowned' img LOL)
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