#im in so much pain if i use my brain at all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kitticula · 4 months

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healing from brain damage is definitely the worst injury ive ever had to heal from so far 😞 this shit is so difficult yall

#tiny bit of my long med history for context:#i have broken my collarbone #i have had my face mauled by a dog where i had to Literally Physically tear it off my face #it locked its jaw around my nose and upper lip #i got like 10 stitches and they had to super glue my nose back together #but uhhhhhh #i got a concussion as a kid that went untreated because our healthcare system is so underfunded and understaffed #and that turned into what the doctors call ''functional nausea and vomiting disorder''#then on monday i got another concussion at work #and holy shit.#second-impact syndrome is a BITCH #im in so much pain if i use my brain at all #hey other dissociative people: you've dissociated from your body but have you ever had to dissociate from your brain?#or is this what being forcefully locked at the front and locked out of headspace feels like?#i think this might be worse though because i cant think at allllllllllllllllllllll #i get delirious if i try 😔#this is so hard #i sobbed in the shower over it for like 30 minutes today lol #i had to sit down in the middle of my shower and it was so hard yall #im trying to hard not to spiral #being vulnerable and putting this on my main instead of hiding it on one of my many many sideblogs #(jsyk if youve read this far then youre allowed to ask me what my active sideblogs are. dms and asks are open)#(@queerlyneurotic is one of my vents and where i usually put sad shit. you get a freebie for reading this.)

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faaun · 5 months

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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months #to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them #in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought #i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are #and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it #its worth missing i think #i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over #(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think #i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat #they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand #how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much #i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around #something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode #arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully #last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing #and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets #and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably #have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused #blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like #i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much #my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to #music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads #i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says #what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.

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alienaiver · 24 days

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not me realizing what caused my flare up and why it hasnt gotten better 😭😭

#its my SHOES #the insoles r completely trodden down now and causing pain 😭😭😭💀#as if i can afford new ones this late in the sneakers season #i use skechers arch fit bcos theyre literally the only shoes ive tried that doesnt cause me massive pain from feet up to shoulders #and the insoles r done for now (which i feel is silly that i didnt realize sooner)#im looking @ alternative insoles for a lower price since the shoe itself is technically fine. but u cant buy the skechers insoles seperatel #(fuck u capitalism) but spending that kind of money on insoles that might not even work is also p terrifying tbh #ill see what i can do but for now im basically cuffed to the bed whenever i Dont have obligatory engagements with the irl outside world #my brain is sooooo fried i might as well be put in a medically induced coma 😭😭😭#arfids still rly bad too but tbh its easier now that i dont move a bunch? require less sustenance energy 🙃🙃😭#abyways sry for my rant. im holding out nd miss u all so so so much !!!!!!#these r the longest words ive written for a while. im surprised im so coherent rn #nohr.txt

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clawsextended · 3 months

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on a note to all: my plotting style is something i like to call i have adhd and if i see you on the dash and have an idea chances are i’ll im you about it. i’m an anxious little dude who isn’t always active in a broad scope, and it’s always been my nature to reach out to people. that doesn’t make me even remotely anxious. not even remotely expected to answer me — i totally get it, sometimes you don’t feel the vibe — but a general psa about how i work. i come from the dinosaur era where the only way to communicate with one another on any level was to directly talk to them and frankly i don’t even know how else you’re ever supposed to plot with a person otherwise. like… how do you write if you never talk????

#CLAWS RETRACTED.#[honest to god this isn’t shade at anyone im literally just trying to explain i am never on the dash and when i am i take handfuls of rando #snapshots to send to whoever’s in my scope at that second. which is i know ridiculous but when you’re me and you’re mobile 100% of the time #because the other 75% you’re doing everything for everyone in your life it becomes exceedingly hard to WANT to stare at a laptop screen.#even if im home im 100% mobile most of the time. basically what im saying is: as an rper i will totally drop into your im’s randomly if #something strikes my fancy. if that’s not your bag i totally get it. the plotting call life has never been mine to own. a lot of the time #it’ll be a person likes it and then you reach out and it turns into ‘haha neither of us have an idea’ which then kills the whole thing.#hence why -i- tend to approach especially if you reblog something or wishlist it and it crosses my path. like. im so happy to try almost an #anything someone wants to give a shot so long as you feel like playing ping pong with me about it. I’ve always been an exceedingly social #person because i just… love people. and for a person literally exploding with anxiety… I don’t do anxiety about talking to people. I USED #to long ago until I LITERALLY forced myself to just… not give a fuck. but honestly? do it scared and now it’s just fucking do it. I #apologize in advance if I can be a pain in the ass and if it’s not your dig I comprehend an unfollow. im a very involved and interested #writer and frankly it’s how I keep myself able to enjoy this hobby by not making it too serious. like. sometimes I read someone’s rules and #im like Jesus Christ I would love to remember all of this but my brain only has so much ram. idk when the big invisible book of online #etiquette was written but I must have been sleeping in class for that one.]

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todayisafridaynight · 6 months

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would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji//#like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry.#his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too....#idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀#maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

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piplupod · 7 months

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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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#i have to finish my english course in march. i have one assignment (nd a few tests) but that assignment is so annoying... a project paper.#it's just too much for my brain lol.. esp when im in pain.#but anyway i hope i find a way to finish the paper nd the course bc i've already gotten an extention nd if i fail i'll just fail #nd idk what that will mean for my other courses nd financial aid.#ughh why do pain have to be so awful sksk #but i know that this is life #i do have such big regrets. like i should've just done all this the weeks my pain wasnt bad at all. then i could actually focus!!#but it's too late #now all i can do is find a way to write it even if im in pain #like maybe i'll just have to use the very few moments where the pain is a bit less to work on it #idk how i'll do it.. but i have to ig :c

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just-spacetrash · 2 months

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#blorbo thoughts... ive been so buckypilled for literal weeks (months?) now and idk where its coming from #i havent seen/read a marvel in years and even when i did see some of the movies #_I_ wasnt rly in the fandom it was my friend who always wanted to go see them #but oughhh bucky...... hes so important to me #hes so tragic and like ive been reading all sorts of bucky recovery fics lately #its very nice since theres a hundred thousand billion works on ao3 for him i get to be very picky #but idk how i got so attached???#like i said he was always my favorite but i never thought of him outside of the few hours i was watching a movie hes in lmao #now everyday im like waoww... this song is SO bucky #woahh im having a hard time picking what to eat... i bet bucky had a hard time making decisions after he was free of the brainwashing....#waoww a mask? just like bucky has sometimes.....#im not a marvel head but my friend did make us go see the endgame and every day im astonished at how they fucked it up so incredibly #like??????? first off i cant even think of steve going back to the past and leaving bucky in the present after all that hes lost already #cause it just breaks my heart in the same way end of the hobbit breaks my heart #and second of all what about peggys whole life in the past???? her whole agent carter tv show life???? her fiance????#are we supposed to believe a. steve just decides he gets to unwrite that timeline and marry her and b.#that undoing her whole life in favor of them being together is fair to anyone??? wheres her goddamn agency??????#its just so. but marvel movies are the epitome of undoing character development so idk why im even surprised #its just so incredible how theyre handed this super famous VERY FLEXIBLE beloved thing of MARVEL COMICS #and literal millions of money #and they manage to fuck it up so completely in every single direction #anyway im straying from the topic #i love bucky....... hes in so much pain and he gets to get better at least in my brain #my post #how embarrassing to get a marvel movie blorbo in 2024 but its not like i chose it to happen #i keep wanting to make a bucky playlist but i know itd have like 7 songs and thwn i never listen to it so i havent yet

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alligaytorswamp · 1 year

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Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore

#vent #bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill #i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts #my brain is failing me my body us failing me #i dont know what to do with myself #so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to #i have never felt so utterly alone #i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention #because i probably am #some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point #truly i am just so fucking alone #and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and #probably makes me more mentally ill or smth #and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns #yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time #i am just so so tired #and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary #i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine #at home im in toxic hell #in online spaces i have no one actually close to me #in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything #in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron #on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting #so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so #which again makes me into a fucking Nothing #god my head hurts so much #that's what u get for wailing at 4 am #anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit #all my fault tho so ☺#delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow #but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done #and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird #but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow #so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood #was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone #ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and #hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy #i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better #god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely #focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony #so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno #lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done #to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself #sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough #lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime #so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha #back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies #oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad #tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire #tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh #unrelated

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milkweedman · 2 years

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Man, my doctor warned me these meds could make me clumsy, and i kind of shrugged it off bc im already walking into doors and walls constantly in my own home, but today after i took my meds (1 hour ago, i delayed bc they make me a very bad driver and i had a lot of driving to do) i have already fallen down 3 times and keep ending up on the floor somehow whenever i try to stand up. Its not great

#also shifted in my seat wrong and it immediately pulled my left hip all the way out #got it back in but like. ow #if im being honest i miss the blend of codeine vicoden and gabapentin that i was on post surgery #no pain at all and i had so much energy. i mean my brain was addled but its addled now too if we're being honest #the unfortunate fact of the matter is that i kind of. cant be present in my brain or body anymore #if im not on any painkillers then i kind of just separate and float away because the pain is so unending and horrible #if im on painkillers that actually work (which always end up being the kind that addle the brain) then. yknow. im floaty #damned if you do and damned if you dont #before the chronic pain got as bad my ptsd was just sort of tearing thru me 24/7 so i used a lot of drugs #to separate from that as well #i dont think my ptsd is any better rly i think the physical stuff just eclipses it #i am full up on physical anguish and misery so there is no room for the psychological anguish and misery #or at least that is my guess #sorry for the rambles i tend to treat this blog as part journal tbh #chronic illness

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dromaeo-sauridae · 2 years

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#sorry gonna rant dont read #i so often get this feeling that im not disabled enough or ‘mentally ill’ enough to ‘count’#whatever that means #i know this isnt a unique feeling but i get so wrapped up in my own brain #then i do anything with this family and get told i must have tourettes cuz i talk to myself too much #or get called crazy for just… acting the way i always do #and all my physical disabilities are well… nonexistent #im just lazy or dont work out enough or sit in my room too much or im just trying to get out of work #or being in excruciating back pain isnt bad enough to stop me from being the unpaid chauffeur #goddamn #shit suck!#anyway. im fine #im used to all of it

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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years

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#i really fucking hate how hard i was dissociating in class #and it happened before too when i wasnt on these meds yet #i wasn't even high.#i rly hate having to acknowledge that im like this. over and over again. that this is a reality #. and i hate having to acknowledge that im disabled in public #like im in pain in public. or occasionally limping. or needing to sit down. or looking half dead. or god worst of all being visibility #mentally ill that one makes me wanna dig myself into the dirt and never come out #i hate that im not all there. that i cant be no matter how hard i try. and then im in the middle of fucking class like #who am i?#im so used to it but its still so much to put up with all the goddd damn time and all the time having to pretend that im ok or sane or #remotely funcitoning and not lowkey having a flashback in the middle of fucking class for unknown reasons. while this brain works overtime #to mask it take it to the inner and shove someone else in the front #......... god this is why ive actually kinda enjoyed my self imposed period of solitude #and even so when my parents are sround i still have to do thst almost 24/7 #like i just wanna be insane in peace fjkdd left in my own soup as we say in romanian.... it takes too much effort to mask with strangers #... idk it makes it hard too when i meet people in person sometimes? because the moment the conversation gets past casual its like...#i want to answer your questions. i do not want to lie. but i also dont particularly want to tell the truth... tho i am not fond of telling #half truths either #... this is why over the years ive prefered 2 places to meet people 1)tumblr 2)psych ward lmaoo but fr. its the same vibe #because in a ward people are at their realest. no bullshit. all vulnerability. some of the realest most genuine impactful connections ive #made w ppl have been in wards.... and. tumblr is the one place outside or wards lmao. or my own brain. where im..... where i dont mask #where i dont put an effort to mask #... so when ppl start talking to me on here (even tho im at times bad at replying sorry idk why its so hard for me i need to work on it)#its like. well. you already have likely known for months or years that im fucking insane so 🤷‍♀️#.......... i didnt used to be this anxious. and to be honest im not quite sure i seem anxious either because i have been told too often i #seem confident? charasmatic? self assured? bitch fucking where i feel like slippery cold noodles inside from anxiety #.... its partially that im not used to being around so many ppl anymore. its partially the more severe trust issues ive developed again as #of late... but at the same time probability my general fedupness thsts been brewing for 12 years with a lotta the culture here isnt helping #either... but... I also think ive just.... ive become incredibly incredibly frustrated with my mental and physical illnesses lately.. very #and their(my) limitations which i hate acknowledging. and all this fucking shame i got too over it. when i accepted it myself i did no care

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shadow-bender · 1 month

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#genuinely though i think i need to try and get (back) on medication for my chronic pain #the only reaso. i didnt when it was offered is bc the trwatment they wnated to use involved and ssri and i cant be #on an ssri without being on a mood stabilizer unless we want me to go into a mania #and the last time i was on a mood stabilizer i lost 15% of my body weight bc of how sick it made me and my gastrointestinal tract still #hasnt recovered from that even though its been 7 years atleast at this point #and 15% of your body mass is alot to fucking lose when you only weigh 112 pounds in the first place #ive also STILL not gained that weight back btw #i only weigh like 105 #i feel like i look like a fucking victorian waif who needs to be sent to the seaside for their health #but atleast i dont weight 98 pounds anymore bc that was really scary actually #also and the main point of this all is that if i dont do something im going A flunk out of grad school and B possibly killmyself #bc my mental health is actially so bad right now. my suicidal ideation is the worst its been since my early 20s #lile there is a part of my brain that actively wants to die bc then everything would stop hurting and bc im so tired and i just want to rest #but also i dont want to die actually im just tired and afraid #but my brain is trying to kill me #and ive had the strong urge to start self harming again after being clean of it again since my early 20s #like ive caught myself ruminating on it on how much i want it #both selfharm and death and thats so fucking scary bc ive fought so hard to not do either of those things #ive been clean of self harm since i was 21 thats 7 years and the last time i caught myself actively thinking about sucide or selfharm #was in 2020 during covid lockdown bc i was fucking trapped in a house with my ex who didnt give a shit about my psychosis or its triggers #or even my life apparently bc i begged him to lock up his guns during one of the worst episodes i had during lockdown bc my brain was #telling me to kill myself and he didnt just moved them to a shelf kinda out of the way but still easily accessible

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illogicalghost · 2 months

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hm i think my anxiety may be getting worse. i should probably do something about that. or i could keep ignoring it 🤪

#personal #IDK at least it's not as bad as middle school but damn. its like . okau #i have a phobia of tornadoes. it used to be a lot worse but ive gotten better. but like.#lately i keep thinking im hearing tornado sirens going off? a lot? like when im taking a shower and yknow theres a lot of noise #like the fan and the water and my neighbors. for some reason my brain is seriously like omfg what if that's the siren?!!?!?!!?!#like CHILL the FUCK out bro holy god. and the only way i can calm myself down is making it quiet (so i can listen for the siren)#and/or check the weather for a tornado warning. its honestly getting out of hand lately. it happens sooo much #ugh. but i seriously dont want to have to see a therapist again. having to find someone i can build a rapport with and #tell my entire life story and all my trauma again.. only to have them QUIT like all my past therapists and start all over #and i dread having to try out new medications again. i take enough already and its just a pain in thr ass #especially if u get prescribed a controlled substance and have to jump thru all the hoops just to get it refilled every god damn time #UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE #AND I CANT EVEN TAKE A SHOWER RN BECAUSE ITS THUNDERSTORMING

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tsukiida · 4 months

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i just scrolled through my blog and i realised i have only two modes: weird pseudo-philosophical rambling. and absolutely unhinged yelling. AND I TELL YOUUUU IT'S SO FUNNYYYYYYY because i spent so long trying to curate my voice and sound like a normal, fun, easy to approach person back when i first made this blog!

then again it's been 3.5 years so i guess my voice changed naturally 🤨 i'm not smart enough for this 😮‍💨

#nia.musings #sorry even using this tag makes me snort. wdym musing girlie. are u a philosopher. big brain? 🤩🤩 2024 me is bullying 2020 me #also not me saying “im not smart enough for this” for anything that requires me to use more than 2 braincells #couldn't be bothered trying to make sense for more a second #kickstarting my own brainless era and i wear my crown so well #also random but i'm soooooo ready to infest this blog with jjk. i probably won't do that because that piece of art traumatises me #by that i mean i like it and keep up with it far too much for someone who claims theyre traumatised #my emotional scale is SHOT because of it. more pain than preferable. but i do quite enjoy it #and considering i go through sooooo much jjk content on tumblr it's only fair that i showcase it all on my blog :3 #i have about 700 draft reblogs on a sideblog i made to save posts when i wasnt active here. i made it this year but theres SO much now #also lowkey regret not being active (though i had no energy) here in 2021 2022 2023 because i had so many thoughts about bnha #and now it's nearly over #like what do you meannnn i didnt get to yap about my spinner era from 2021.#what do you mean my love to hate and back to love arc for dabi didnt get documented in the annals of tumblr dot com #AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MELTDOWN LAST YEAR RE: HAWKS' QUIRK DIDNT GET PUBLICISED #this is all a joke because i for real (FR FR) had ZERO chance of being here because life was putting me through its TRIALS #still is. but that's the way life is. we go on. <3.#speaking of trials. no one here was privy (wait i think i mentioned it in an rb) to my jason grace breakdown when i found out What Happened #sucks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wasnt made for emotional pain.#also it's funny to me how none of my followers have unfollowed me so far.#are u guys also all inactive or do u just not see me anymore because tumblr's dash algorithm gives u random posts now #thats the only thing i dislike about tumblr now. i LOVE how it lets you edit tags now. also will always miss the old layout

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