#im in the verge of ending it all
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#worst day of my fucking LIIIIFFFE#was picking my way thru andys rec list while it’s slow as fuck at work and then bam#server error#im in the verge of ending it all#also my wrist is sore bc these too many fawkin people want a henna#also my manager gave me a watermelon with marge simpsons face on it so I have to carry that back with me
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"i cant keep doing this anymore" says guy who will continue to do this some more
#its me im the guy#im so tired . so so tired#in a really bad time with my job lately#in that nearly every day is so so trying and gives me moments of stress#and every week is just a countdown to the weekend#and like the day may not even start bad but by the end of the day im just tired and on the verge of or having a headache#it may just be that i get like this especially before my vacation where im like if i dont get my vacation im going to perish#and thats coming up in september so yay i can finally relax and have fun then#and i do that on the weekends but god they are so short. i hate working full time so much but! i have no choice but to do it#i cannot afford to work part time or not at all i dont have the time or money to go to college for a degree for a better job#im stuck here!!!!! god anyway .#its also just a lot less good at my job now theres so many more people here and i dont have as much goof off time which is essential#god anyway im too tired to rant any more#only solution is to finish my screenplay and make it big
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god i want a binder so bad
#i have to be outside all day tomorrow and its gonna be hot and im gonna be miserable in my hoodie so ill probably end up taking it off#but that means id be wearing a t shirt#and i go by my preferred name and pronouns at the place im gonna be#i am literally dreading having a body tomorrow#like fr i am on the verge of tears just thinking about it#personal#tw dysphoria
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I'm crying over midnight burger yet again giving me devistatingly doomed romantic relationships
#the gall#how dare they#midnight burger#but the way im crying by the end#like intro to end all in one episode#wonderfully written#clementine#terric of york#leif#verge#yes this is about leif and verge
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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sorry i havent been very active lately I've been having a real shit couple days idk why
#ive been like right on the verge of a breakdown all day today#and i can feel it coming. the tears are IN my eyes.#it's just. everything is so hard.#it can't be this hard all the time for everyone right?#because if it is and everyone is just being normal and doing fine and coping and being an adult about it#then that makes me a failure.#and i dont know what im supposed to do with that.#its also so fucking hard to see something you might want for yourself#and be inundated with the weight of all the barriers#and all the ways that you'll never get there#all the reasons it wont work. everything just feels so difficult#like EVERYTHING everything everything is minimum 10 steps and it never fucking ends#idk why im feeling so bad like ive been taking my medicine ive been trying really hard to eat and drink and take them#like no matter what i do im always in pain and tired and sad and frustrated#and it never fucking stops#anyway sorry#venting#vent post
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i hate my uni sm lol i dont want to be heeeeere let me out let me out
#motherfucking dance classes. we have the exam in two weeks and the choreography's not ready.#we gotta meet up in our own free time without the professor and practise on our own and try out if something works or doesnt. on. our. own.#bitch like what are you getting paid for lol#i hate it here so much i didnt come here to dance#and i leave every rehearsal on the verge of a panic attack and with red welts down my arms from scratching myself to calm tf down lol#(ask me again why i became obsessed with the white haired beautiful princess with a disorder in record time lol I GET HIM)#its fucking mental torture to me lol#anyway now im getting passive aggressive comments in the groupchat because they suddenly decided that we need to meet#for another rehearsal. today in two hours. like bitch????? sorry that i have earlier plans??????#i gently suggested that we should try to set the rehearsal plans earlier#and i even put a sad emoji at the end to show that im not trying to be a bitch lol#and now a girl im like actually friends with goes all 'thank you for your input jagoda im waiting for you to suggest something better' like#girl?????????? lol#but like it's whatever. apologised immediately ofc like why bother#anyway BASTA
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Man they weren't kidding about how even if you push down emotions consciously your body will Remember
#im really going through it rn. not as much as some close to me though#i'm supporting someone through something awful that is also affecting me. just not as much as them#and sometimes i'm like ''why do i feel so crappy and fragile'' as if someone i know isn't proceeding with physician assisted euthanasia#like hmm i wonder why!!#me: why do i feel like i'm on the verge of an anxiety attack all the time#my brain: someone you know is suffering and you are never going to see them again#me: oh right#it's so weird. it doesn't feel real it feels like something that happens to other people not to you#sometimes i just sit alone and i'm like. huh. this is really what's happening#this is happening and i have to vacuum the house and go to the grocery and feed the dog#the world isn't allowed to end around me. it just keeps going and i have things to get done. the laundry is dirty#i have to do the laundry and my arms shake and my stomach turns
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I just finished rereading Silan/Clarence’s Godheim route and the emotions still hit me like the first time I read it, and now I have to go to sleep
#sure is one way to end my day#Man I was on the verge of crying like I did the first time I play though it#kinda wish I did but ehh#im so very eppy#for all time#lovebrush chronicles#clarence#si lan#silan#司岚
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im gonna cry again
#yesterday was closing night and im so sad bc this was my first time being part of a production#and so many people are leaving at the end of the year and ill never see them again#and i was never rlly good at coping with losing people and i dont know what im going to do now#i love them all so much and i probably cant even do this next year#i dont even know of all the people ive made friends with would still talk to me after this is all over#and i really domt want to get instagram bc its shit for my mental health#i know i had beforw and it was terrible but i dont know any other way i can stay in touch with everyone and not miss out on silly pictures#and seeing where people go#but i dont want toooo#but i do#i think ive going to be on the verge of crying for rhe next week
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#ngl my mental health has been garbage lately#can the ex overachiever ever know peace?#im starting to think the answer is no#years of therapy and nothing has changed#this whole thing is so painful to me the only way i can bring it up irl is through jokes#i don't live in the us we don't have this gifted program stuff here#but i was so brilliant so excellent absolutely perfect#being mediocre now is like having my heart ripped out of my chest every single day#watching people do better than me has me on the verge of losing my mind#i know it has to sound whiny and ridiculous to people who never experienced this#but success was all i ever had#successful was all i ever was#and now i have nothing and i am no one#years of being used by teachers only to end up spat out by the education system#all this pain for nothing#my therapist used to say im quite literally grieving#how long is this supposed to last?#how long until i stop feeling so worthless and miserable?#im so sick of being like this but nothing ever changes#ill probably delete this later but i needed to vent first
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y’all. i fucking cannot. what is wrong with the world. can we just please. stop.
#you can use this for whatever context you want within reason (aka no bigots of any kind fuck you)#but im gonna spill in the tags so#youve been warned#this is a vent#———————————#so im in autistic “burnout” or AUNS atm and therefore my depression is also stronger than before same with anxiety and#all the mental problems#and my sensory issues are also so bad right now#and i find myself forcing myself to speak and sometimes even having complete verbal shutdown#so at the end of the school day today i was on the very verge of a meltdown and i was already in sensory overload#and just generally feeling horrid and dysphoric#i ran out of class when we were dismissed and powerwalked to a stop away from the one i usually go to#so that i wouldnt have to talk to my friends and actually have a meltdown and feel even worse#and i full on thought out what bus i was gonna take so i could have a quiet ride home and hopefully calm down and feel better a bit#GUESS FUCKING WHAT HAPPENED#my friend#got on the same bus.#and i love her i love her so much shes so fun to talk to shes great and i really love talking with her so much#but today#when i had already spent extra energy trying to spare myself from more masking and interaction#those efforts also were put to waste AND i had to spend even more energy talking for at least 40 minutes straight when i had hoped to talk#for none#and with no music to block out other bus sounds#so when she got off the bus i was so close to crying#and then i had to take another bus as well bc i take two to get home#and now im walking home in the rain and my clothes are damp and sticking to my skin and i think im ready to die now#/nsrs#but icl i kind of wish it was#anyway bye#tw suicide
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I'm actually appalled at how much naruto shippuden filler I've skipped before. Like the prior two arcs were whatever. Kind of interesting, gave some extra perspectives on a few characters, but Eh
This third one, though. It's really going into Utakata to the point where I'm like. I can't believe I've always skipped this??? It's so interesting!!!! I really do hope that Naruto gets to learn he's a jinchuuriki too, bc even tho he's gonna get slurped up by that statue too, for Right Now at least, there's another jinchuuriki here. And Naruto has only met one before now (since he hasn't met Killer Bee yet). I think he deserves to get to know his fellow jinchuuriki.
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#makes me think of a fic i read that had all the jinchuuriki gathering together. really loved that thing.#idk i just think theyre so cool. the exclusive club of incredibly super powered yet also incredibly socially scorned people#only 9 of them!!! kind of!!!! except not for isobu. whatever happened there.#actually im looking forward to fully watching the show this time. for the First time.#when i was first watching shippuden it was only midway thru the first filler arc.#so uh. the third arc? of shippuden. which was relatively early all things considered.#and i kept up with the manga for a while. verging into the war era. tho i didnt get far enough to see the neji thing#though i do remember when it happened. me and my friends mourned for him 😭#but anyways. all that extra stuff on the bijuu and the jinchuuriki. i only really know it through fandom osmosis#and i Love these characters. but ive seen them in the show so little.#so im really enjoying getting to see utakata. his personality is not fully what i envisioned from his design.#his design looks so peaceful. just a chill dude. he's kind of an asshole though lmao#i dig it tho. i also really do like his design. utakata i am so happy to see you in action#even if it's gonna make the later stuff hurt more lol#listen i know the bijuu collection was to create high stakes for naruto. but i lament that nearly every other jinchuuriki end up doomed#like if it werent for chiyo gaara would be dead. and otherwise it's just killer bee and naruto.#yugito seems like she was so cool. and i wanna get to know fuu 🥺🥺🥺#hfkshfj i want to get to know them all......... waaaa
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"unicron" being a serious term in transformers lore is bringing me back to my blue sky days. guy with a cigarette looking out the window. i havent heard that name in 84 years
#apple bagel unicron.........#my experiences are not universal. thid is such a niche intersection of things#can anyone hear me. any of my mutual read blue sky. that was a lifechanging piece of media for me .#was on the verge that year. was being very very very heavily bullied on the schoolbus that year#(<< was. physically assaulted multiple times)#nearly broke my fuckin nose cause some asshole would sit in the front seat and trip me every time i got on for like a solid week#hashtag kick a ginger day which lasted a week#anyway. would get 2 my seat and put my headphones on and listen to the portal2 ost and read blue sky#for like. the whole year. bc that fic is basically a full length novel#one thing i would do if i had unlimited money is pay someone 2 bookbind blue sky for me .... i want that so bad#anyway. was on the transformers wiki bc i was trying 2 figure out what. all the media is and where i should stsrt.#bc im serious abt this apparently#and unicron is like..... a Major Thing#and in my head every time i see it i just hear. apple bagel unicron. hdhfhsjdbdnds#anyway. long retrospective post to say i think transformers is silly and neat and#friendship ended with my childhood being raised as a girl not being allowed to enjoy certain things. bumblebee is my new best friend#blahblahblah#reaction time#<< be prepared to block my liveblog tag soon if i actually get into transformers because i have NO other outlet for this shit lmao
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{ shades that hide my tears as i get legitimately emotional just sitting here THINKING about her (rambling in tags) }
#. rewind || { ooc. }#{ her rage is so indiscriminate that one day she's going to spread her curse so much that like. }#{ there just won't be anything left. complete global saturation as mr. albert wesker would say }#{ just. the end of modern civilization as we know it. everyone eventually one way or another succumbing to the curse }#{ she'll have enacted her revenge against humanity and from that point. she's just . alone. }#{ no longer any targets for her rage. no one to talk to. everything a memory. completely alone. }#{ it's just as much self-destructive as it is destructive to humanity. }#{ she wants to make humanity pay; she wants all the voices and bad memories to stop }#{ but like. will she be happy when it finally does? GAH }#{ im not kidding by the way im literally sitting here on the verge of tears thinking about this ajkfhdsjkh }#{ you know you have a good muse for a character when you can legit bring yourself to Emotions thinking about scenarios for them }#{ RAMBLIIIIIING }#{ she's so alone in every sense of the word. please christ almighty someone give her a friend before she }#{ has to deal with being alone at the end of the world and doomed to forever walk a world she destroyed }#{ eternally unable to rest in a state of horrible undeath }
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professor just told me we dont have class this week and to instead watch a movie where a chara has a mental illness and to make mental notes of their behavior and how they're treated for it so anyways which ttm movie should i rewatch
#snap chats#HELP#'pay attention to treatment' alright well he keeps wanting to kill himself does that count as 'treatment'#also FINE ill cave and start blogging about nakai and ttm stuff. ONLY SOMETIMES. because stream said it was ok#i just finished watching Monday by the way- EPIC MOVIE i really really liked it#sabu's feeding me by repeatedly putting ttm in situations where he's losing his mind and on the verge of ending it all#sorry having a kira yoshikage moment. sorry to everyone when they eventually figure out what that means#POINT IS jokes on you prof i already make mental notes of Whatever Mental Shit a chara's going through... lol...#my 'assignment' on thursday is to do something good for myself so.... OH WAIT THTAS WHAENG AIDEN COMES OUT FUCK#YOOOOOOOO gona play gaiden thursday for class.. haha... jk i already said i'd do it friday#i'll figure out something to do that day.. maybe y0 stream if i havent finished it by then#ok bye im gonna try to draw something. maybe stream y0 later we'll see how i feel
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