#im just feelin very alone rn :( i know i have friends and loved ones and stuff. but its all online. i feel isolated.

[vanillabat99]

I think I am slowly accepting that I will never be able to be "fully independent". Even though I am living with my family, I still require help and care that they aren't able to provide due to having work or school. There have been many times, especially recently, where I have been stuck in bed, alone, and hungry, with nobody able to help me. I am not able to leave the house on my own, I struggle to make phonecalls, I can't remember important medical information or insurance information, I am rarely able to make meals for myself. I can barely wash my own hair. I don't qualify for any kind of homecare, since I live with my family, and I don't have anyone who can visit me to help like that.

I don't think I will ever be as independent as I hoped I would be. I wanted to move out, have a job, go to university. As time goes on, I'm less and less sure I will be able to finish highschool. It is very difficult trying to figure out what I am able to do. I have had to give up on many plans and dreams, and I'm not sure what I have left to work with.

Disability is hard. I know it looks like I sleep all day and do nothing, but I am simply trying to survive in a world that was not built with me in mind. After lots of time and effort, I want to be alive and have a life that makes me happy, and I want to figure out how to have that. I want to know what "happy" can look like for me. I want to know what my options are, if I can have a place of my own, if I can get help when I need it.

I want to be alive. The world makes it hard, but I want to be alive.

[quodekash]

TIME FOR EPISODE 6 ive got my fingers crossed for a jengpok kiss but my hopes aren't high (but jokezo had better kiss this episode tho or im gonna riot)

this is so unnecessarily funny

DUDE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU LITERALLY KISSED HIM

YOUR FRIENDS DONT HAVE THAT BIT OF CONTEXT

THEY JUST THINK JOKE RANDOMLY LIKES YOU

THEY ARE FULLY UNAWARE OF THE FACT THAT YOU FULLY MADE OUT LIKE A WEEK AGO, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER, YOU SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AS HIM

no I will not shut up about the bed thing

LOOK I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS HERE, BUT THE PHRASING IS JUST SO FUNNY

"just be straight" YEAH THAT'S THE PROBLEM KOT, HE'S NOT STRAIGHT

I think im laughing a little too hard about this

literally everyone except zo, im pretty sure everyone knows

especially nita

she's the captain of their ship and no one can change my mind about this

oh nooooooooooo how terrible, how disgusting, what a terrible turn of events

now jokezo have a lot of time to spend together in an empty room, and nothing to do

what on earth will they do about this?

it would be a real shame if they kissed

👀

what kind of fun are you implying, joke?

are you going to kiss

I think that maybe they should kiss

HE PUT THE BAG AROUND HIS NECK OMG THATS SO FUNNY

they are holding handssssss

GIBU3RBKEJWGDSOVJRBE

HANDS

HANDS

HANDS

HANDS

HANDS

HANDS

THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS

HES SO DRAMATIC

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

things we didn't know about joke before the series, yet are entirely unsurprising and make a lot of sense: 1. he's afraid of heights, 2. he's insanely dramatic when playing a zombie video game

im so mad that zo can't see his own face rn

if he could, he would SEE his feelings for joke, and then he would be able to communicate that with joke, and then they can go out AND THEY WOULD KISS

HES SO HAPPYYYYY

yes

agreement

yes

good advice with zo

communication is key

holy frick that is terrifying

uh

frick

I dont know what to say

this is horrible and I hope whoever that was is found and stops doing it because nita's safety is really in trouble right now and im very scared for her

oh and it just gets worse

holy frick

this is not good

FRICK

NITA, RUN

CALL JOKE

PUNCH THE GUY

KICK HIM IN THE NUTS

FRICK

im not gonna put the blame on joke rn but I really feel like he shouldn't have left her alone after that

she was clearly terrified and vulnerable and scared of something happening, and I think he probably should've at least offered to go with her and make sure she was safe because now she's alone and im so scared of whatever is about to happen

I hate this guy so much please die sir

frick

im crying out of fear and anger and mostly fear

this is terrifying

OHTHANKGOODNESS ZO IS HERE

he said 'get your hands off my girlfriend' and like they broke up but if they have to lie that they're dating in order to protect Nita's safety, im all for it man

OH, OH, OKAY, THAT WAS A FLASHBACK

this also explains the awkward uncomfortableness she was clearly feeling when on that kind-of date with zo

ohhhhhhhhh so they never actually dated? that actually explains a lot of stuff that I didn't realise needed explaining

number 1 jokezo shipper wants to tell zo that she and joke aren't dating so that he can date joke, but she's waiting for zo to ask before she'll tell him

(either that or she knows zo likes her, but shush I want to stay true in my belief that nita ships jokezo more than anyone around)

huzzah, a confusingly worded confession to the girl after he realises he doesnt actually like her, im smelling pat napat jindapat

she knows its joke, I swear she knows its joke

FTSDFSTFDSFDT

HANDS

HANDS INITIATED BY ZO

HANDS INITIATED BY ZO

AAAAAAAA

hang on

wait a second

what was that

jeng isn't single

bro you have a boyfriend

what the hell just happened

im so confused rn

its not like this is the first time that they've sLEPT IN A BED TOGETHER

and the first time it was immediately after they MADE OUT and then DIDNT TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS

im still so angry about this

ill never not be angry about this

KISS

PLEASE

P L E A S E

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

DUDE YOU KEEP REACHING FOR HIS HAND

ITS LIKE YOURE IN LOVE OR SOMETHING

JUST KISS ALREADY

OR ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS

OR DATE

OR ALL OF THE ABOVE

I mean I do get that zo needs more time to figure out his feelings before hes gonna say them out loud and yada yada all that, I do get it.

but also: you keep reaching for his hand, you KISSED HIM, and generally im pretty sure if someone likes you and you know they like you and they make moves on you and you do nothing to stop them and you dont feel uncomfortable with them making moves on you and whatnot then that means you either really like attention OR YOU ALSO LIKE THEM AND IN THIS CASE ITS THE LATTER

wait what the hell, next episode jokezo are going on a date, AND we're meeting joke's grandma, AND she's homophobic, AND there's some guy zo knows who he's trying to avoid? CAN TI PLEASE BE NEXT WEEK ALREADY, I HAVE QUESTIONS

conclusion of this episode: a lot happened with Nita, jokezo DIDNT kiss, jengpok ALSO didn't kiss, I love Nita with all of my soul, aND SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH JENG GIVING HIS IG TO A GIRL COS HE SAID HE'S SINGLE AND I WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO PLEASE HELP ME AND TELL ME I MISINTERPRETED THE LINES OR MAYBE IT WAS A MISTRANSLATION OR SOMETHING BECAUSE IF NOT THEN SOMETHING'S GOING ON AND IM SO CONCERNED FOR MY BABIES PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME

[oikaw-ugh]

HIIII BABYYY im feelin real soft for my 2d men rn so can i please request some fluffy hcs with them? ;-; you already know who i love LOL SO any one of them will be fine ^^ OR IF YOU WANNA MATCH ME UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE IM DOWN TOO HEHEHE gorl i just need some soft shtuff with one of mi bois dfhdhdhd idek whether this falls under match ups or requests LOL IF ITS TOO TROUBLESOME DONT DO IT KJFSKFSK but ty for everything bb i love you <333

HALLO SOPHHH I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONGGGG I hope u forgive me 😌

I ship you with...

M e ✨

Kidding. I ship you withhh

Kenma Kozume (´ε｀ )

Mainly because he's as reserved as Akaashi? Was supposed to stick with Akaashi but figured Kenma sounds more fitting for me now!

Also, college!AU

Hmmmm

You met because of Kuroo. Or Lev. Yup. Definitely either of the two.

Most probably you are groupmates with the giants? And You just click with them?

ESPECIALLY LEVVVV! I feel like you two would immediately click! The energy you two have? Yes.

Anyways! Kuroo and Lev are so fond of you they just ✨ can't ✨ stop ✨ their ✨mouth ✨ from shutting up.

THIS IS WHERE KENMA GOES IN!

Kenma: Who is this Sophia?

And like, Kuroo and Lev just have A LOT of things to say it wears Kenma out LOL

Kenma: Whatever. I'm not interested.

Also Kenma: Did you say she likes anime?

I mean, let's be honest MOST of the time, gamer otakus are anime otakus, too, so 👀

A W K W A R D FRIENDS

When Kenma finally decided to go with you trio's hangout, you got so nervous.

Soph: Do I really have to meet this Kenma?

Kuroo: Don't worry. He's a good guy.

Soph: That's not helping!

Lev: You got us, Sophia-chan!

Soph: yoU'RE THE ONES WHO PLANNED THIS-

ANYWAY! You got no choice. In the end you meet Kenma, and was surprisingly disappointed with how silent he was.

Kuroo: Kenma, this is Sophia. The girl we've been talking about.

You: 👁️👄👁️ Hɪ

Kenma: 👀 ᴴᶦ

That's it.

Kidding! Lev were probably too carefree to notice how awkward you two are.

Kuroo would notice tho but he chose to give you two privacy by pulling Lev somewhere else, leaving you two alone

wHICH IS NOT HELPING! ALEXA IS LITERALLY PLAYING CRICKET SOUNDS ON YOU TWO

You're awkwardly silent, accompanying the other. You know, checking your screen, acting as if you're busy talking to someone when you're actually not-

Kenma: Is that BNHA?

👁️👄👁️

You stare at Kenma, your eyes wide and a grin on your face.

You: YOU WATCH THIS TOO?!

Kenma and Sophia knew at that day, a friendship is born ✨

Kenma is pretty lowkey.

So when he realized that he likes you, he's like "Okay. Cool."

But Kuroo, the kind man that he is, disagrees with this so he devices: a plan >=]]]]

It's not as grand as it sounds. It's literally just him and Lev letting the two of you be alone most of the time. Kenma hates it though.

Mainly because I think he has no intention of telling you? And is highkey contented with just watching you from afar?

The previous bullet is btw based on my fic of him right here

Don't get me wrong, he's not nervous or afraid of your reaction. He just wants to be by your side be it only as a friend.

Kuroo just scoffs whenever Kenma told him that. He calls rubbish.

Kuroo: Let's see if you can settle with only that the moment Soph meets someone else.

And as if you're living the Y/N life, LOLLLLL SOMEONE ACTUALLY SHOWED INTEREST ON YOU OUT OF THE BLUE.

Which upsets Kenma. He thought he was cool with it, I guess he isn't.

And remember how he was just chill with his feelings for you?

WELLLLL GUESS WHATTTT! HE'S NOW SO ANXIOUS. He couldn't stop thinking of the thought that you're dating and he's actually reconsidering the thought of confessing?

Which he would immediately brush away as it would make him feel flustered.

But in the end, I see Kenma confessing out of the blue, most probably in a situation where he thinks would raise his chances on you.

You when Kenma suddenly stopped walking beside you: Kenma?

Kenma: Soph, I like you.

I know for a fact that you're lowkey introverted BB

BUT I THINK KENMA SOMEHOW UNLEASHES THE EXTROVERTEDNESS IN YOU

Like, you love cuddles, laughing, expressing yourself so much whenever you are with Kenma.

It's like he's a safe place for you to show who you are, you know?

And Kenma would just stare at you with a tiny grin, happy that you're happy as well.

Sleepovers are a thing! When you ask him to come over, there's a 50% chance that you need his help bc exams are coming/your homework is so ugly your brain cannot seem to answer it.

When it's at his place, usually because he's with Kuroo or because he just...wanna see you.

Like??? Do you need a reason to see your girlfriend?

He's a small time YouTuber, too!

Though they haven't seen you yet bc Kenma blocks your face. He always told you it was for your privacy but hmmmm

And his fans love you!

You: it's probably because you don't want them to take me away from you (a joke)

Kenma: *stares at you for 10 seconds before resuming to what he's doing*

You: 👁️👄👁️ Wait, it's true?

Dates are mostly in archades.

Like, you just love games so much? ,

THAT ORRRR you just wanna flaunt your gamer boyfriend HSJSJSJSJSJ

Matching outfits are a thing, too! I think you two plan your outfits before going on your dates.

Awwww imagine like, you two wearing Korean clothes aesthetics? :"))))

As for food, you are ADVENTUROUS! You've always told Kenma about different cuisines that you would like to try someday.

And that someday is AT THE MOMENT Kenma looks for local stores who sell food from the cuisines you just mentioned.

Road trips are a thing, too! I can see Kenma steering the wheel with an exhausted face (bc he's lazy) while you sat beside him singing along the radio.

Or if you both don't have a vehicle or smthng. I see you two planning to go to random places together!

Kenma lowkey doesn't want to, tbh. Packing, hiking, and all are a hassle. But how could he resist you?

Fights? Hmmmm I say rare

Because I think you're a very very understanding person.

While Kenma doesn't react in a rush? He calculates and analyzes the situation.

Like??? Have you seen him??? At court???

But I think fights happen because Kenma can be very unresponsive sometimes?

You just want him to be a little more this, a little more that.

But he's like, "Okay." But never does it anyway.

When in a fight, you try to prove your point but his lack of interest and response irritates you more.

So fights are silent! Kenma is a silent person from the start but somehow...his silence during fights are...dark?

Like, one glance, Kuroo can sense that you two had a fight.

Lev wouldn't though lmao that small bean.

You try to act normal though! But when you need to talk to Kenma, you immediately switch to 😶

HAHAHAHAHA cutie

You two make Kuroo's bed hair get fixed :v

But anyhow! I see a lot of Kuroo intervention whenever you two fight. Like, he'd purposely ask the group to go somewhere and stuff and u both agree just because.

I mean...admit it, life without each other sucks 🥺 so both of you lowkey agrees with Kuroo because u both know he's purposely doing this to let you two make up.

I see like, you two just...slowly...reaching out for each other HAHAHAHA

Like

Kenma: *lets his hand slip to yours*

You: *hold on his hand, too*

Then you both look at each other and before you knew it, you two are okay again!

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, SOPHHHH HEHEHEHEH

[dreamlike-remade]

leah @chillylou tagged me in a thing and i thought i’d do it at 4am last night but i got too tired and didn’t finish so i just completed it and it’s almost 4am again wow

list 10 of your recent music faves and tag 10 mutuals

1. dizzy - waterparks & gloom boys - waterparks // not only do these songs just sound hella fucking good and listening to them makes me go hard as hECK, i just really love the lyrics? to both of them! i’m so amazingly happy that this band is relevant in my life and that i got to see them live which is what made me fall in love even more

2. she had the world - panic! at the disco // i get so happy singing along to this even though i’m borderline tone deaf...... this song makes me feel so calm and content and i think the lyrics are very cute and clever

3. if i believe you - the 1975 // ok so putting into words how amazing i think this song is will be very hard, but i think it’s lyrically genius and also extremely beautiful and i’m not sure why but it means a lot to me and it’s just a quality song my pals

4. 12 feet deep - the front bottoms // you know those songs that when you listen to them you just wanna be in the car, you and your friends are driving around aimlessly at night, and you just wanna play the song and you’re all singing your hearts out and you feel so happy and content and it’s as though in that moment every problem in your life is irrelevant because this song is playing and you’re all having such a good time? that’s this song

5. missing you - all time low // so atl has been my favorite band since i was 15 idk why i just love all the members and i always have a good time listening to their music like i don’t think there’s one song by them that i really don’t like. but this song means so god damn much to me. i love the lyrics and what it’s talking about. i like to listen to it when im feeling very low and sometimes i’m trying to sing along but i’m sobbing so it sounds awful, but the song normally makes me feel less alone with what i feel and i guess it feels personal? idk it just means a lot to me and i remember hearing it for the first time and how instantly i fell in love. i’m pretty sure atl will always have a special place in my heart

6. seeing blind - niall horan // this song is very cute and i love the whole vibe and tone of it and and it might just be my favorite song on niall’s album and also its cheesy and i think about my gf whenever i listen to it and i just ... ugh i love this whole entire album so got damn much tbh

7. hayloft - mother mother & oblivion - grimes // my gf showed me these songs and i rly rly like it bc 1. i think they sound super cool and 2. i cant help but to think of vas every time i hear them and i love listening to the music she likes bc i feel more connected to her somehow? i think the music a person likes tells u a lot about them and ya im gay

8. your graduation - modern baseball // i would hear about modern baseball everywhere and so one day i decided to listen to them and i started with the most popular on spotify and this song was #1 and when i heard it i fell in love? and i enjoyed the others but this one just stuck out to me (probs why it’s #1 lmao) but then i got out of a relationship and and this was a go to song to listen to if i wanted to get into my feels and even though it had that negative connotation to it, it really doesnt give me that vibe anymore and i still rly love the song 

9. every song by blackpink // they only have 5 rn but uhhh blackpink is the reason i got into kpop bc before my brother showed me them i had this annoying grudge against the genre and maybe it was because of the songs he would play? or maybe the stigma idk bc i still am not a fan of the songs he likes the most.... but blackpink is the one and only kpop group that i pay attention to and that i would consider myself a fan of? like i definitely enjoy other songs by other groups and solo artists but i don’t think i “stan” them like i do blackpink. i love those ladies a whole lot!!!!

10. i wanted to put a one direction song on this list but it’s very hard to figure out which one is my current favorite bc every time i think i’ve decided on one i’m like wait..... what about that one? and then i thought i’d put my favorite from each album but i can’t even do that so just one direction in general but that probably came as no surprise heh

i definitely struggled to not put “this song has me feelin some type of way” for every single song and/or artist i’ve listed above kassfklasjfdsf but it’s the truth and that’s why these are my current favorites bc of the way they make me feel. i really love music and how much emotion it can show and how much it can make you think and feel (also i definitely cheated bc there’s way more than 10 things so oops)

i tag: @sensitiv @jound @softwish glares at all 3 of you bc you probably wont do this (which is ok) and i dont have anyone else i feel comfortable tagging so .

[gansbeee-archive]

I was tagged by @medjedofficial !! Rules: Answer these statements and tag 20 people

i tag: @the-dreamers-boy @for-the-life-ofme @colorcodedplant @deathdippedinroses (none of you have to do this if you don’t want to! Any of my mutuals are free to do this, just put me as the person who tagged you! <3)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water probably

2. Phone call: My mom

3. Text message: ‘HOLY SHIT’ to adam about some hamilton meta

4. Song you listened to: Probably no one else performed by philippa soo from the great comet

5. Time you cried: listening to the aforementioned song

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: never dated.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone.

8. Been cheated on: N/A

9. Lost someone special: hahaha i dont think theyre special anymore :^)

10. Been depressed: Ive been depressed for at least the past 6 years.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Green

13. Turquoise

14. Indigo

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: a few!

16. Fallen out of love: i have never been in love. At least, not in the traditional sense.

17. Laughed until you cried: just the other day. I was in a voice chat w some of my pals and my friend tobi laughed for about 5 minutes at a picture of a melted rubber ducky. Obviously i had to join.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: lmao more than once!!!

19. Met someone who changed you: i’ve changed a lot over the years, and i find it difficult to attribute that change to a single person or even a group of people.

20. Found out who your friends are: Yes. I think i finally have.

21. Kissed a mutual? Nope.

GENERAL

22. How many mutuals do you know in real life: @for-the-life-ofme (my best friend!) @the-dreamers-boy (my qpp!) @morriha (a good old pal) @medjedofficial (a new pal!) @colorcodedplant (another new pal!!!)

23. Do you have any pets: yep! Two cats: luke, a fat tabby, and ruby, a beautiful and sweet tortoiseshell calico

24. Do you want to change your name: I haven’t really thought about it yet.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: i think i had a party at a pizza place and then had a sleepover after? It was kinda small

26. What time did you wake up: this morning i woke up at 8:30 b/c of aikido practice

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i was sleepy peepy

28. Name something you can’t wait to get: i’m not really looking forward to anything short term. But long term- an apartment w my qpp @the-dreamers-boy , a drawing tablet, and top surgery/testosterone

29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: sometime last night

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: besides the obvious (gender and money), i want a drive. I want something to look forward to, something to research, something to fall in love with.

31. What are you listening to right now: as i type this, i’m in the car and giving up the gun by vampire weekend is playing. If i could pick, i would probably be listening to the great comet rn

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: um? That is likely, yes.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: not feelin this whole societal concept of gender

34. Most visited website: youtube and tungle.hell

35. Mole/s: they are. Everwhere. Most noticeably my face, arms, back, and legs- however they are on p much all my body parts.

36. Mark/s: faint thin scars on my hip, old scabs on my knees and elbows, a small crescent shaped scar on my knee. Also a surgery scar on my right wrist.

37. Childhood dream: I think i wanted to be a vet or a nurse. Jokes on you, past self, i can barely take care of my own health let alone other people’s

38. Hair color: light brown. Lowkey copper highlights? Blonde parts from previous dyeing

39. Long or short hair: reeeally long. Like, to my mid-back.

40. Do you have a crush on someone?: besides celebrities and unattainable characters? No one.

41. What do you like about yourself: ???

42. Piercings: I have pierced ears that have long since closed and that’s it

43. Blood type: i have no clue

44. Nicknames: gansey or kat

45. Relationship status: no romantic partner. I dunno if my qpp @the-dreamers-boy counts?

46. Zodiac: virgo sun and scorpio moon

47. Pronouns: they/them.

48. Favorite TV show(s): fma, pmmm, vld, probably other various anime i cant think of rn

49. Tattoos: none right now

50. Right or left hand: i’m right handed

51. Surgery: i had a gross abscess on my right wrist (probably from writing too much). In the future i’ll want top surgery and i might need hip surgery

52. Hair dyed a different color: as an experiment i dyed some strands magenta. They washed out to pink, and i kind of hated it, so i let it fade out.

53. Sports: I don’t play any.

54. Vacation: i’ve gone to niagara falls, canada, and various places out west in the states. I’d really like to go to spain, japan, and Mexico someday.

55. Shoes: for depression and summer’s sake, I’m often wearing either slippers, just socks, or flip-flops. When i have to go outside, i have a few pairs of converse, sneakers, and boots that get me by

56. Eating: i’m going to get food after i finish this, but the last thing i ate was ice cream last night (FUTURE ME REGRETS THIS BC IVE HAD TO FORMAT THIS THREE DAMN TIMES)

57. Drinking: i may end up drinking because it’s really big in my family, but i refuse to do it often.

58. I’m about to: get some fuckin food after 50 minutes of editing this format!!! Tumblr mobile doesn’t have an html editor :^)

59. Waiting for: marching band camp

60. Want: perhaps a love interest at some point? I mean i already mentioned other stuff (apartment, tablet, top surgery)

61. Get married: not sure. I think if i loved someone enough, i’d consider it.

62. Career: i don’t know. I want to do so many things. I think i will become either an architect or computer programmer, with my art on the side. Ideally, i’d want to be an editor, museum curator, physicist, or even an animator.

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: hugs for me

64. Lips or eyes: Both are good

65. Shorter or taller: i’m in the middle (5'6"), but my qpp still loves to tease me abt it

66. Older or younger: um? Dating wise, in high school my partner shouldn’t be more than about a year older or younger b/c puberty is different every year. When i’m older i may have different standards. Friend wise? Ironically, i’m the youngest most of the time, yet i’m the wisest.

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: i’m kinda a tummy person, but both are good

68. Sensitive or loud: im more sensitive. I can be loud when i’m comfortable around people, yet often I’m embarrassed after my outbursts.

69. Hook up or relationship: Relationship

70. Troublemaker or hesitant: I’m usually the voice of reason here.

HAVE YOU EVER:

71. Kissed a stranger: never.

72. Drank hard liquor: No.

73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I haven’t lost my glasses yet, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if i did. I’m a mess.

74. Turned someone down: i was asked out by two different straight dudes in middle school. I turned them both down

75. Sex on first date: i’m ace, so?

76. Broken someone’s heart: i’m unsure if i have or not

77. Had your heart broken: yes.

78. Been arrested: No

79. Cried when someone died: yes

80. Fallen for a friend: years ago, i thought i did.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

81. Yourself: depends

82. Miracles: I believe they can happen but are very rare

83. Love at first sight: I don’t think love works that way, but who am i to tell others they’re wrong?

84. Santa claus: unfortunately no

85. Kiss on the first date: i’m not ready for that

OTHER:

86. Current best friend: jane!! (Her name’s actually sophia) @for-the-life-ofme

87. Eye color: light blue

88. Favorite movie: howl’s moving castle, coraline, kubo and the two strings

[qogs]

3, 13, 26

3. do you want kids?yes!!!! i didnt for a whiLe bc i was dysphoric n had shitty parents that ruined the idea of a happy family life for me but theN i realized i dont have to end up like them n kids r fun and i know its not the same thing as a child but, i volunteer at an adoption center n bottle feed kits n i like?? caring for things im gonna adopt n im gonna be Responsible n the kids gonna have a Happy Home Life my life goal is just 2 have money and be a good dad13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?hmmmm idk i didnt know practically anything abt lgb stuff before realizing something was Up. i guess i thought? all gay ppl knew each other? cuz when i was little my mom'd take me to visit a gay friend n Everyone else in the room was gay n i was jst like goddamn ok so if i dont know how to network im probably not26. favourite lgb musician/bandagaint me!!!!!!! laura's my lockscreen rn lmao. the front woman, laura jane grace, is such an amazing person n musician n writer and like shes so,,,, open abt this stuff like more that anyone could ask for shes so unapologetic abt being trans n talks abt it in relation to the rest of her life cuz its not the only part of her but its an impOrtant part that affects how she lives like their latest album is about lauras experience dating as a trans woman n itsssssssssssssss Very Good. shes rly vocal abt how much she loves herself n her body n shape shift with me is!! fun!! theres not a lotta Fun music abt being trans! but thats not aLL u want music venting abt bein trans??? sad music abt bein trans so u dont feel alone in ur dysphoria?? they got it All. against me! promotes angry trans people who also have the capacity to love themselves. shes suCh a strong positive beacon n i, love against me! (m seein em live in october also n im gonna die) n i realize now the question is fr lgb not lgbt bands buT shes sga (i dont remember if shes said specifically her orientation?) n the albums abt her relationship w women so! n this sounds dumb but a big part of me being comfortable w dating again was listening to their music?? like, feelin attractive enough as a trans person, so in thAt regard against me! like.. Enabled me to be gay

[voidwizerd-archive]

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans​, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

[gym-shorts]

red, yellow, green and purple !!

RED-How was your first kiss?—lol pretty awkward. we didn’t really know what to do and we were both nervous. it was more like a peck but still.

-What do you love about yourself?—i dont really love anything about myself but i think my legs are pretty nice

-When’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire? —Im not really sure probably in the winter.

-Would you rather watch the sunrise or the sunset?—sunrise most definitely because then u have the whole day ahead of u

-What’s the best thing about summer?—goin to camp and being off the internet for two weeks

YELLOW-If you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose?—a city in france or scotland

-What’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day?—read outside or take a nap with the window open. there is a very specific smell to a sunny day and i love it

-What do you consider lucky? —getting barricade when ur not at the front of the queue or meeting harry when u forget he was in the same place as u

-What made you smile today?—seeing a video that ava sent me of her half singing to my my my by troye

-What makes you happy?my friends makin art

GREEN-What’s your favorite thing to do outside?—read mostly. or if im feelin ~active~ im really into bocce and badminton lol

-Do you like camping?—ive never been camping officially. when me and my cousins were a lot younger we set up a tent in the backyard of our like big family home in the woods. im sure it would be nice though.

-What would you spend $1000 on?—something boring like clothes or a trip

-What’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job?—im just a cashier rn but when im older i think becoming a music photography / videographer would be really sweet or just helping on a film. one of my dream jobs is photographing or videoing harry lmao

-What’s your favorite article of clothing?—probably one of my sweater / crewneck things

PURPLE-What’s your astrological sign? —gemini (please dont hate me)

-What’s the best piece of advice you ever received?—“go alone, dance hard”

-When’s the last time you followed your instincts?—the other day my friend looked sad so i held their hand and rubbed it with my thumb for a bit. I think it helped

-What’s your favorite food?—Chili or quesadillas. OR VEGAN MAC N CHEESE FROM THIS ONE PLACE THAT GEMMA TOOK ME TO.

-What’s your secret dream?—to be in a real life friends to lovers fic with harry ((my friends knows the details of it tho lol))