#my only irl social interactions are with people way outside of my age group and its always superficial.

[vanillabat99]

I think I am slowly accepting that I will never be able to be "fully independent". Even though I am living with my family, I still require help and care that they aren't able to provide due to having work or school. There have been many times, especially recently, where I have been stuck in bed, alone, and hungry, with nobody able to help me. I am not able to leave the house on my own, I struggle to make phonecalls, I can't remember important medical information or insurance information, I am rarely able to make meals for myself. I can barely wash my own hair. I don't qualify for any kind of homecare, since I live with my family, and I don't have anyone who can visit me to help like that.

I don't think I will ever be as independent as I hoped I would be. I wanted to move out, have a job, go to university. As time goes on, I'm less and less sure I will be able to finish highschool. It is very difficult trying to figure out what I am able to do. I have had to give up on many plans and dreams, and I'm not sure what I have left to work with.

Disability is hard. I know it looks like I sleep all day and do nothing, but I am simply trying to survive in a world that was not built with me in mind. After lots of time and effort, I want to be alive and have a life that makes me happy, and I want to figure out how to have that. I want to know what "happy" can look like for me. I want to know what my options are, if I can have a place of my own, if I can get help when I need it.

I want to be alive. The world makes it hard, but I want to be alive.

[monsterhugger]

i think we need to be harder on parents who don't let their (esp. teenage) children have phones or use the internet. like yeah it's a different parenting style. in the same way locking your kid in their room on evenings and weekends and not letting them speak to anyone their age outside of school and family is a different parenting style

do you know how much social interaction is done online nowadays? even with the people your kid knows in real life, they're going to be talking to them online as much as if not more than they're talking IRL. and if they can't do that, they're being excluded by their peers. it may be intentional bullying because they're sheltered and ignorant or it may literally be "we don't have a way to stay friends when we stop being in the same class so we just won't".

not only are you setting them back socially, you are denying them the ability to gain essential life skills. how do you think your kid is going to fare in the modern world if they don't know how to text? if they've never been in a group voice call? if they've never downloaded something to a computer? if they've rarely if ever been allowed to use a search engine? if they haven't had a reason to learn to type? presumably you're an adult in the workforce, and you KNOW these are essential skills whether you like it or not. but no, your child is going to be top of the class in college because they've read more books when they type at 10 WPM and can't install Microsoft Office without a step-by-step tutorial. sure.

you don't need to let them have access to the entire internet right away. let them browse on a family computer with safesearch and a good antivirus. give them a non-smartphone. for the love of god don't let their first experience trying to surf the internet be on a nintendo 3DS like mine was. that's for younger kids, btw: if you're standing over your teenager's shoulder while they use the internet i PROMISE that is not the only time they're using the internet.

just. i think we need to stop letting "all technology is bad for my kids" be a respectable opinion

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

[wannabegwenstacy]

About Me: Eden!

⇣Below cut⇣

Name: Eden Quinn (you can refer to me as just "eden".)

Age: 24

Line: 99' baby

Sexual Orientation: Pansexual

Pronouns: She/Her

My timezone: EST/EDT (i will be going off that time zone w/ my updates.)

Q: How long have you been Army?

A: July 6, 2020 was the day I became army (I know I haven't been here for a very long time but I am quite active and have surrounded myself with some good people so I know my way around this fandom a bit.)

.

Q: Do you stan other groups?

A: Stan? yes, I started stanning Seventeen at the beginning of February 2023, Ateez at the beginning of June 2023, and The Boyz at the beginning of September 2023. I have looked into Stray Kids, P1Harmony, and TXT but right now I'm just a casual fan of them. I do follow some western artist though. I follow...Megan Thee Stallion, Måneskin, Doechii, Sabrina Carpenter currently.

.

Q: BTS Bias Line?

A: Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, and Jeon Jungkook but I am OT7.

.

Q: SVT Bias Line?

A: Scoups, Wonwoo, & Dokyeom (..it keeps growing..it’s gonna be eventually all 13 I know it) also I am OT13

.

Q: Ateez Bias Line?

A: Hongjoong, Mingi, & Yunho (why do i always bias in threes??) you know it...OT8

.

Q: TBZ Bias Line?

A: Sangyeon, Eric, Jacob (i basically bias them all but these three occupy my mind the most)..so definitely OT11 (i'm sorry i haven't looked into hyunjun yet)

.

Q: Fav Ship?

A: Tbh..them all? I love all the pairings. Outside of fan FICTION I do see them platonically though.

Q: What's your Big 3 in your chart? (Astrology)

A: Sun - Scorpio, Moon - Libra, Rising - Cancer

.

Q: MBTI?

A: I switch between ENFP and INFP

.

Q: Enneagram?

A: 4w3

.

Q: Are you a Student?

A: I went to Uni for 3 years where I studied Visual Arts and Psychology but I dropped out during the pandemic. I still love to create but mostly this blog lets me get that pint up creative energy out. (update: I am getting ready to go back to school soon! )

.

Q: Do you work?

A: Yes! I do have a paying job irl aside from writing, creating, and just keeping up with seventeen, ateez, the boyz, & bangtan.

Q: New to Tumblr?

A: No, I have been on tumblr since..maybe 2013? I have had a few different accounts over the years. This account was originally a Marvel Stan Account. I have gotten into a number of things over the years also, so please don't scroll too deep.

.

Q: Have you written fics before?

A: Not like this no. I have written little concepts and drafts before when I was younger but never posted them (thank god). I started posting on here because when I was messing around w/ my army friends I would write these drabbles/rants and they weren't bad. So I decided I would actually start posting some of them here? I honestly haven't posted any of my good stuff because I keep going back and adding to them or redrafting.

.

Q: Do you have an A03 account?

A: Yes! but I currently haven't uploaded there yet. If my posts go well over here on tumblr I might start uploading on A03. BUT that will probably be more AUs and Full Fledged Fics rather than drabbles.

.

Q: Main social media you use?

A: 20+ Adult Army/Carat/Atiny/Deobi Twitter. I range from semi-active to basically only interacting with moots. Somedays I just like tweets, others I tweet a good bit but overall I don't really use other social media consistently.

[simtrospective]

SCRAPPED STORY CHALLENGE by @bugsims

01. Post a few screenshots from a scrapped scene / edit / story! 02. Share why you scrapped this specific thing. 03. Tag five friends, and watch the fun play out!

Thank you to @gilded-ghosts for the tag.

Because I wrote so much that you might prefer to skip, let me do 03. outside the cut. I tag...

@ladykendalsims - @jet-plane-sims - @boogey-studios - @pinkmonsimblr - @dynastiasimss

The above pictures (plus the related tray files) are all I have left of an idea that was half-formed to begin with and which never got off the ground at all.

01.

Depending on if you’re a follower of mine + how long you’ve been following me, you may have seen a few of these shots before but I’ll explain them anyway:

Set 1: The characters Charlie, Hick, and Craig, in their original states on the left and their enhanced, final states on the right;

Set 2: A few WIP pictures of the performance space/club/thing I built;

Set 3: A bunch of test shots I took to see how the characters looked interacting, what they did naturally, and how they looked when I ~directed them. I used these pics to try and find my editing style for the story. I didn’t find the style I wanted. Clearly.

02.

I scrapped this idea because it never came together; I didn’t connect with the characters; I didn’t care about the storyline; I’m not done with my new save so I couldn’t ~comfortably start telling this story when the rest of the world was/is disordered; and on and on. The point is, I wasn’t feeling any of this. Oh! And I hate the whole vibe and time period and aesthetic irl; what on earth was I thinking writing about it?!

So. What was this going to be?

[[Under the cut because this is... so, so long. So long.]]

Charlie, Hick, and Craig were

going

to live in Del Sol Valley in my new save, in the Pinnacles neighborhood, which I was

going

to turn into a Laurel Canyon-style neighborhood. An entire community of would-be songwriters/musicians were

going

to live in the two smaller lots and commune with one another and be the New Guard colliding with the Old Guard; the huge mansion lot was

going

to house an aging former film-current soap actor confronting his mortality and also hating the living shit out of these hippies whose existence he took as a personal affront--I digress. Back to the “story.”

Charlie, Hick, and Craig met after each arrived in DSV separately and they vibed and they moved in together, all in a matter of, like, a week’s time. Charlie and Hick vibed especially. So much in common! Such poor little rich [kids]! Both came from pampered environments in which their family money and respective fathers’ connections allowed them to skate through life and to play at being musicians because--despite crying oppression at the hands of upper class WASP-dom--they'll always have safety nets to ensure they’ll always be okay. Charlotte Grant graduated from her all-girls prep school and put on a floppy hat and became Charlie Grant; Richard Hickey (lololol) ripped up his acceptance letter to Britechester and grew his hair out and hitchhiked and told people to call him “Hick.” They’ve lived parallel lives and “recognize” one another as soon as they meet. They have an electric connection, but neither will verbalize that. Above all, they... really want to sleep together.

Craig grew up working class and has no safety net; he just wants a little adventure before he gets a real job/grows up/gets married (his gf back home is off to college; they’re long-distance; it’s... not going to work). He’s a good guitar player and he’s a good songwriter and that’s it but maybe it’ll be more? What do they say about the lottery? Can’t win if you don’t play? Charlie and Hick want to be famous ~rule the world. Hick plays guitar well and tries to write songs but they’re shitty. Charlie is passively learning the keyboard and writes songs that are not... bad...? Some are... good?

Charlie and Hick--can you tell they eclipse Craig, yet?--have weird sexual chemistry and tension: they tease, they flirt, they taunt, they enjoy one another’s attention but they never so much as hug. They both have cruel streaks as only disconnected, spoiled, emotionally stunted bluebloods can: the torture of their relationship/non-relationship gets them off more than anything else could and that thrill drives much of their behaviors: bringing wanton strangers home for one night stands, each hoping the other is watching/overhearing, fighting about little things, acting like inappropriately close siblings, acting like strangers. Craig suffers their whims; Charlie and Hick aren’t just united in their toxicity and their dreams of fame, but in how they make Craig into a third wheel or a--well, punching bag is too strong a term. Charlie and Hick think they’re teasing their bff but you know how it is to be teased allllll the tiiiiiiime and how it can make your head spin when people who can’t get along with one another join forces--without even having to discuss it--to turn on you. Their relationship gets patched up, you’re hurting, they insist it’s not a big deal and even that you even liked it. We’re all friends. We’re all best friends omg.

But sometimes they have fun together. They have a lot of fun together. Sometimes it all is everything each dreamed it would be. DSV is a wonderland and their careers are happening and life is happening and they’re best friends. They’re soulmates for life.

The three work on music, perform at clubs. Craig is starting to come into his own as a man. I hate the term coming-of-age but in the background of the Charlie & Hick Show, Craig is maturing. He has to, because C&H are fuck-ups. They jeopardize scheduled performances. They don’t know how to talk to club owners. They’re not interested in paying their dues. They are unable (or unwilling) to promote themselves without being obnoxious attention whores. They don’t practice or help write songs. They don’t take care of the house. Hick is late with his rent. Charlie thinks she can flirt her way out of everything. Craig is also the only one of them who works; he has a day job at a print shop, gives guitar lessons on the side, and makes sure the three get gigs and don’t get evicted. The only thing C&H put consistent effort toward is making the social scene or finding a party or scoring drugs or getting laid. As the group’s local star(s) rise, their fates start to change course which increases the interpersonal tension. Hick’s fun-loving nature is starting to turn into a legit substance abuse problem and he’s picking fights with the wrong people and socially devolving, his arrogance and issues and general laziness rendering him unable to relate to others; Charlie is getting a lot of attention from older men In the Business, who have the money and connections to make her a solo star, which she is shrewdly considering; and Craig’s resentment toward his “friends” and disillusionment with the superficiality of DSV is making him rethink his motivation for coming west in the first place.

Oh, and Charlie and Hick--again, as their paths change and as their weird tension remains unresolved--continue to take their bullshit out on Craig and now it’s not funny anymore, it’s not cute, it’s not exciting, and neither is it when Hick ruins a show by being too stoned to perform and neither is it when Charlie brings unsavory characters home who trash the three’s equipment and neither is it when C&H steal Craig’s songs and perform without him at a gig they didn’t tell him about.

What I intended was that the story would at first seem to be The Charlie and Hick Show, all about them, as if we’re supposed to root for them, but ideally, through my ~deft hand 🙄 the reader 🙄🙄 was supposed to be like, Um... hold on-- until it eventually was quite obvious that these two--though human; though in situations we could understand and empathize with--were captured at a point in their lives when they were Super Toxic Assholes, and what you were watching all along was Craig as Hero.

So I had ideas, but I didn’t know how to fit them together and I didn’t want a really long story and I couldn’t--I just couldn’t figure it out. I do know that the end was going to be Craig screwing them like they’d been screwing him, a final middle finger with consequences. I know that he and Hick were going to have words and Hick was going to try and fight him (such a loser) and Charlie was going to throw a Hail Mary of like... trying to seduce (lol) Craig into staying omg I always had a thing for you/we’d be such a great team/I always thought we could ~be something ~together uwu bullshit like that. Was this true? Was this true in her own mind? I think I was going to set the story up so that if you reread, yeah, it could be true, but she’s so flirty and manipulative and socially savvy and used to getting what she wants that who knows what her real feelings ever are? Ultimately that would’ve been irrelevant bc Craig never looked at her that way and hates her and Hick now; good going guys. It’s worth noting, I guess, that when I put the group on a test lot, Charlie was super into Craig immediately, went right to him, stood close to him, was eager to make romantic overtures; she went 0 to 60 in an instant and as so far as is possible in this game they had chemistry, but Craig was not feeling the romance. And no one was feeling Hick.

Anyway, Craig was going to move on with his life and Charlie and Hick were going to learn nothing and blame him, ~the end.

And then, as I continued to play my save and maybe tell more stories, there would be Easter eggs, references to Charlie, Hick, and Craig older/in the future and where they went in life in the background of other, unrelated stories: Hick’s substance abuse problems and rehab stints and going by Richard again and his eventual moderate fame and eventual sobriety and attempted comeback and his bad relationships with his exes and children; Charlie’s legit fame + marriage to a producer + eventual fade away + moderate comeback + solid second or third marriage and bff relationship with her children 🙄🙄🙄 and her palatial house on the coast and now she exclusively wears white and ivory and pampers her dogs and eats raw (but drinks wine) because it “cured” her undiagnosed, unnamed “autoimmune disorder,” which she wrote a book about resulting in a semi-comeback but as a Famous Person and not a musician. Craig going to college and becoming a high school English teacher who plays in a local band on the weekends and who has a good marriage (not to the long distance gf) and nice kids, one of whom would eventually have her own story where she pursued musicianship with her dad, which got him back into his first passion but it was a qt father-daughter project and not An Attempt to Be Famous.

So. Idk. That’s what this all would’ve been. But it wasn’t, and it won’t be!

[soulvomit]

I feel like I have something to add regarding the "feminism vs neurodivergent women" discourse but I wish I had said it five years ago. Every time I sit down to elucidate my thoughts I get about two sentences in and fel "nah." It's *so fucking much to unpack.*

All I'll say is that I experienced a lot of feminist leaning spaces in the 90s and 00s, as difficult spaces. Not just because of being ND but because of being reared in male-dominated cultural spaces, having been socially imprinted by boys more than girls, and dealing with the culture shock there. There was a time when "geek girl" was just not a thing - when feminist spaces basically treated geeky people in general as harmful, anti-feminist, and problematic. My being geeky was much more accepted by average men than it was by average women. And so many women tended to treat fandom as a bad space because there happened to be a handful of bad actors. If one bad actor happened to be in a space, everyone remotely connected with the space was declared off limits, and granted in "me too" situations this can be justified but it often, in practice, was applied so broadly and brutally as to end up constructing as "well only creepy men like games so if you play games I don't feel safe around you." (There were often tremendous amounts of shame and guilt around the hobbies being considered at issue.) In the 80s and 90s and 00s, my hobbies were often constructed by women as being actually harmful to women or even the entire human race. (This is how it's acceptable for women to be authoritarian to other women. By policing them as doing something harmful to broader groups. The problem is that feminist culture still exists basically *as a subset of patriarchy* but you can't even talk about that because it's not a broadly held group opinion - which is the only type of opinion that women are even allowed to have.) There was a bizarre kind of "rule of contagion" where liking something that creepy men also happened to like, made you creepy. But the problem with this is that creeps exist in literally every social space, including feminist ones. And women's homosocial spaces (feminist and otherwise) often attract women who may not seem like bullies in the outside world but find that homosocial spaces are the one space they have anyone to acceptably punch down on.

And I feel like I've seen lots of women basically become radfem because they get bullied out of liberal feminism, then jump to trad because they got bullied out of radfem, and chase their tail trying to find an accepting group. And this is no way to live.

But do I only feel this way because I'm in my 40s and finally feel free of a lot of this? And the only thing I can point to is, find your friends, but... idk? At that age (20s), before I'd found my friends, I jumped from group to group, too, and I get that it's not always easy to find your friends, and *my* "finding my friends" took place in a different chrono-cultural context than this one.

And the fact that I don't at this point need to go from group to group? I don't know if that's because of some kind of privilege, but it probably is; I'm not *so* othered where I am that no such space exists outside of politicized spaces. (And we've got to talk about this construction of privilege where everyone who isn't actually being broadly deplatformed and thus being spoken for, is too privileged to speak, and where there are broad groups of women who aren't allowed to own their own narratives.)

I've always lived, worked, and played in spaces where I could casually meet LGBTQ people and nerds/geeks. Seeking politicized, set-aside groups out based upon politics has only been a thing I've had to do when I've lived in a new town.

Because, after all, the *reason* I don't need to go from group to group for exterior based validation or basic support, the *reason* the opinions of people in lots of spaces don't matter as much to me, is because I have an entrenched, years-old, IRL social support network. And I get that marginalized or isolated people often need to seek out set-aside spaces instead of organically making friends, at least for a while.

The broader problem is this: most feminist spaces, just like most non-feminist women's spaces, exist as a social space *within patriarchy* (and even going away to women's land doesn't change this) and most of us are trained to interact with other women *by* patriarchy.

The other problem is that women aren't broadly allowed to exist as individual human beings. And... for the most part, men aren't, either.

But in the handful of spaces where men are, they're more likely to leave each other alone. And those same men have generally left me alone about my right to basic personhood, just as women and non-binary people in those spaces (until recent times) have been more likely to leave me alone. It doesn't mean those men weren't capable of being shitty or harmful in other ways. But when men in my spaces have policed me it's so often been as an individual having an opinion about another individual, rather than someone acting as cop figure on behalf of a whole group of people. I have to actually be in more conservative or traditional spaces to experience men that way.

I've had to deal with all kinds of boundaries issues in mixed spaces in the past (which happened in homosocial spaces too) but the right to individual personhood isn't one of the big ones.

And finally: the best spaces I've experienced have been ones that contain a mix of genders and allow broad range of gender expression by people of all personal histories. That's where I'm the most likely to feel at ease and the least likely to feel policed.

[system-of-a-feather]

I should sleep but instead I’ll share a bit more about myself

Sleep is for loosers anyways jk for real sleep is important to your mental health you really should try to get decent sleep if you can

Anyways, I had asked about it earlier cause I was reminiscing back to the old days a bit so I figured I would just go on an old man’s tales of the old days. Don’t worry this shouldn’t have much of any potentially triggering content. Its just kinda a look back on where I started and where I’ve come since I split off or at least a bit of a general one. So if you like, grab some marshmellows, pick up some chocolate and lets enjoy some smores by the fire. (Keep reading below if interested; ps its kinda really long XD)

Honestly, its been mentioned a bit around here that I am, in fact, not the original host of the system and while I have taken very strongly to my role as host and my system has come to respect me (at least for the most part) as the host and “leader / commander” in the alternative role descriptions our system likes to use from time to time, I honestly have only been in this role for like... the past three or so years of the like... ten or twelve (depends on if you count when I split off or when I actually began interacting actively with the world) years.

Like for some background, I split off originally in order to help the previous host and trauma holder (who weren’t in communication) handle and adjust to life while we moved schools twice in a single year. From what I know prior to my split, our system was very dependent on hanging out with our friends as a way to keep trauma from surfacing to the host or something similar to that and the host before I split off was a bit of a shy child. My family made a really bad decision with a move that sent everyone in my family into various bad mental states and to cut the unpleasant info out of it, the host at the time couldn’t handle or adapt to the new school that had a horrifically different atmosphere from our old one. None of the ways she was able to have fun or connect with others were capable and with a even worse condition house and a lack of friends, it essentially caused two splits. One was Lucille and one was me, almost around the same time for similar, related, but different reasons.

For me, I know my main role was to be able to make friends, maintain friends, and to make sure school life wasn’t a problem and that we could constantly have someone to be around when we were younger. Back in the day my main job was to be charismatic, make friends, and create stable and sturdy social connections with everyone so that one of the largest important coping mechanisms could be saved.

Admittedly though, even though I did fill the role needed and did create wonderful webs of connections and friends, even though I did make friends by taking outcasts of each school I went to in order to make stable relationships, honestly a mix of our family’s toxicity and a lot of bad luck with friends moving made it so few friendships lasted more than a year. It made it rather hard for anyone to hold host and I believe for the longest many years no one was a consistent host - something that was considerably concerning given we wouldn’t start communicating or being actively aware of each other for another six years.

Anyways, a lot of the repetitive failures honestly made me loose a bit of faith in people and humanity for a few years and I kind of retreated to online where I became an edgelord and went under the idea of “I really don’t care about the real world and my real life anyways, we aren’t gonna live that long anyways and my life will figure itself out” and engrossed myself solely into being an “online social” personality for a long while from the ages of like twelve until like... sixteen. 

It was honestly a mistake I suppose as me abandoning the real life wasn’t abandoning my life like I thought it was as much as it turned out I was abandoning an important duty in a system I didn’t know I was part of and such action not only led me into being put into a lot of abusive relationships with online people, but also left our life horrifically unnurtured, barren and dry. During the time I popped in from time to time to help with club activities, but for the most part managing our real life was left to Aderis (who scared everyone away out of defense), Lucille (pre-integrated being an introverted know it all), and a trauma holder that avoided everyone. Our club life flourished and we had a group of friends in our band activities as it was the only part of the real world I would end up being out in and caring about enough to foster, but outside of that our life was barren. Sometime in that period, Aderis had made contact with me and everyone vaguely got to know each other, but considering a lot of denial and other abuse and trauma was going on then, we never properly established an understanding of DID or our system or even full recognition of each other - or at least I didn’t.

In a sorts, it lead to the point where apparently the trauma holder that was vaguely taking host was getting so sick of existing and was so envious of the beautiful life I was hosting online that it became a huge problem that apparently was the driving force to get us into therapy. I don’t really know too much of the specifics but it had caused a massive internal war over if we should destroy my online life as to force me to actually come back and try to help fix the mess our real life was at, or if we should just give up on having a real life and foster in the one I was building online. It was a internal conflict that actually had Lucille and I worried that it might end up to self harm or rash decisions and it was enough to get us to push for therapy which we eventually got.

Through the first few months of therapy it was noted by a not-dissociation specialist that what I was going through sounded a lot like DID but that wasn’t addressed further than him attempting to integrate what he identified to be “the online personality” and the “offline personality” by bringing someone who can bridge the two worlds and assist in integrating the two parts. Of course, being he wasn’t a professional in DID or dissociation, it didn’t quite work out properly, but it did get me actually focused on our real life a bit more. I was put in a position where I had to try to transfer what I did online to the real world and I did so by bringing a somewhat trusted individual into communication with me online. 

At that point I had kind of forgotten how to be super charismatic irl and so I kept a lot of the more personal conversations online and rather than bridging me and the semi-host (as we didn’t really have a host), it rather got me somewhat interested in the real world again - or at least gave me something beyond my online world that meant something to me. I fostered a strong relationship with this individual and I took it upon myself to try to keep this relationship working as it was the first time in ages that someone in the real not-online world that seemed to intend to stay around us and it gave me some hope to my otherwise jaded view on the world.

It was honestly a lot of work being in therapy and trying to find this middle ground of managing online and offline and trying to get both domains to work in our system’s life, especially when I took the initiative to consider dating that person that really seemed to stick around and have enough faith and patience with me and our system to work with us, especially since the system wasn’t entirely on board, and especially sicne even then, we had no clearly defined host.

A lot of back and forth happened, a lot of alters trying to sabotage each other, a lot of really poor mental health and poor adjustment, and then two or three things too many happened and the trauma holder that was semi-host seemed to fall entirely dormant leaving the host position completely open and with the system a bit shook.

In a sense, due to the fact that Aderis was going through things at the time, Lucille was insecure on his existence, and the other active known member was a child, I was kind of kicked out to fill the role - especially considering the person we were in a relationship was considered to be my partner and my decision and my responsibility at the time. Plus, of all the alters in the pool that could have picked up host at the time, the most socially capable for managing a life was of course the alter that was MADE to be social and to create friendships and reach out to individuals.

I suppose in a sense it was natural that I was the one that got kicked out. Honestly, I don’t see myself to be as socially capable or charismatic as I am told I am and honestly I personally struggle a lot from time to time with friendships and relationships due to a lot of the personal things I as Riku have been through and how being online almost exclusively for three or four years messed with my understanding of social rules and interactions and all that, but honestly, it was generally at that moment that the system kinda just forced me to handle a heccin lot.

And like... talking about adjusting from being an alter formed primarily to establish and maintain friendships to being the host and person in charge of a lot in the system, I could go on about that on its own for ages. It is honestly something I both gripe and grumble and am really critical on myself for not doing “good enough” but it is also something I am pretty proud to say I feel I have been managing pretty good all things considered.

I do wonder how the trauma holder that stood in as a kinda-host after the original host refused to be host is doing, and I really hope she is alright and I honestly know she isn’t but I hope one of these days I can build this life to be healthy enough, stable enough, and safe enough that she can come out of dormancy and recover as she deserves to. 

Currently, she is honestly in a really unstable state to the point keeping her dormant is one of the highest priorities of our system as she is honestly really dangerous to us and we aren’t in an environment that can support and safely provide a place for her to recover, so honestly, if nothing else, I hope that one of these days I can make this life a life she can be safe in.

I do deal with some of the thoughts of “I stole this life from an individual” or at least I used to struggle with them a lot, but I like to think of it more as me saving and rescuing this life for someone who couldn’t handle it anymore. 

And in the end, we are all the same individual. We are all working towards the same thing, and if there is anything I can do with the honor it is to be the host of the system and to get this much time out and to have this much direction over how we drive this life, I want to make my system happy and safe.

I dunno. Its just some sentimental thinking I was going on about to myself before since I was thinking back to when I was a protector and when all I had to worry about were social issues and picking the most reliable trust worthy people to add to our lives and replacing them as fast as possible when they left to maintain stability. Back when all I cared about and had to worry about was building social circles, and now I gotta do that among all sorts of other things.

It was a simpler time, but I am happy of where I am now. I suppose when I was “just a social protector” one of the largest hobbies I had was finding people that were less fortunate, rejected by the cliquey social groups of our school, and creating a bit of a safe place and a friend to have so they wouldn’t be lonely, and from time to time I would get them involved with other more popular individuals and it was great to watch them grow and succeed socially after being the social rejects for being blind or “fat” or awkward or shy. When I went online, I took a strong liking to helping people out and helping people feel a little better about themselves and letting people have a person they can talk to.

I suppose upon becoming a host, I just expanded my external duty inward and now I have a team that I love dearly that I want to make happy and to give them the best life possible.

I suppose in a sense, even as a host, I still strongly come from my roots as a social protector and thats nice to think about from time to time.

Anyways, thanks for joining me at my campfire and roasting some marshmellows. I dunno if any of you guys got anything of substance from my old man stories reflecting on my old duties and how thats changed some over time, but thanks for listening in.

-Riku (Host)

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol

[urfavmurtad]

(1) Hey, I’m a 19 year old Muslim girl living in Canada. I’ve lived my entire life raised around Western culture so I guess I’m what you would call a Moderate Muslim. Until about a year ago, I believed that Islam could be accepting of values such as feminism, lgbtq+ acceptance etc. But then I realized the noticeable lack of these values in our community and realized I was kidding myself if I believed that anyone in my family would accept someone coming out as gay...

(2) So I started to preach moderate values. I told everyone I knew that some great changes had to be made in our community. That was until recently. Now, I realize I can’t really preach these changes in our community if they contradict a fundamental scripture. I came to the horrible realization that I actually disagree with the Quran. In fact, it goes beyond that: I have a problem with the whole concept of organized religion and the many basic philosophies that accompany all religions…   

(3) I’m still double-minded though. I do hijab, and was previously extremely religious (prayed extra, learned the Quran by heart) and I find it so difficult to just leave the entire religion. I feel like I need to talk to someone, because the very idea is so daunting that I can’t even think it out loud, much less mention it to anyone. And that’s a personal struggle; I haven’t even started to think about the cultural and familial backlash. What is your advice for anyone in this kind of situation?          

Anon I’m so sorry it took me forever to answer this, I’ve been in everyone’s favorite desert kingdom for exciting family bonding adventures as of late. Lemme just say before I start what is sure to be another long post that I completely understand where you’re coming from. A lot of people who leave Islam, myself included, go through a sort of bargaining phase where you really want to make it work, because so much of your life is tied to it in one way or another, and it just… doesn’t. And you realize that most Muslims aren’t really into making it work, either, and you’re just supposed to accept that. We’re also basically in the same spot with still outwardly “performing Muslim-ness” despite our thoughts on the religion itself, both for family reasons and because it’s extremely difficult to go from being outwardly pious/devout to… less devout, without people judging you and asking questions. Like you, I have never told anyone in my family that I’m even sort of non-religious. That’s gonna be a hell of a bridge to cross and I’m not even thinking about it until I finish college. Financial independence has to come first.

So I can’t pretend that I have all the answers for you here. All I can do is share some advice that has been helpful to me. First of all: never, ever feel guilty for not being fully open with your thoughts on this subject or “hiding” until you feel ready to share them. I don’t need to tell you that things like this often cause lost friendships, family drama, and cruel gossip. You don’t need that in your life right now, and given your age, there’s not much to be gained from having your lack of faith be public knowledge. The way you feel is your business and no one else’s. If you don’t feel like you’re in a good place to publicly leave the religion, there’s nothing wrong with, to put it bluntly, faking it for a while.

Someone on here asked me once if I feel guilty for “cheating” my parents (in terms of them paying for school and such), knowing that they’d disapprove of certain life choices of mine if they knew about them. And the answer to that is no. The fact that I don’t believe in Islam is none of my parents’ business and won’t be their business until I choose to inform them of it. I live a perfectly fine Muslimah life and do not cause them embarrassment or Great Family Shame. Sure, I’m just going through the motions at this point and don’t believe in any of it, from praying to “modesty”, but that is none of their concern. There is nothing wrong with keeping it personal until you feel completely comfortable being open about it irl. I do plan on getting there one day, both in terms of my (lack of) religion and my sexuality, but I am fully prepared for the possibility of my family basically refusing to interact with me afterwards. That’s a lot to deal with, and I don’t feel bad about waiting for the right time to unload all of that baggage. You shouldn’t feel bad about it, either.

That brings me to the second order of business. I already wrote about this in this post here but imo it’s so important to find a community, or multiple communities, to fill whatever void might be created in your social net if you ever do end up totally leaving. A huge part of what draws people to religion is the sense of belonging and a sense of having people who will always be there for you in your time of need. If you pull that rug out from under yourself without anything there to catch your fall, it can make you feel really lonely. Make sure you have an irl support network of some kind. Whether that takes the form of an actual group (like I said in the other post, I’m part of a charity group that is rly awesome and full of great people) or club or just a few non-religious friends, it doesn’t matter–as long as you know that you have supportive and loving people around you, no matter what. And it’s just as important to have some hobby in your life that has some sort of communal aspect to it (I do community gardening and cooking in school!). It’s so crucial, especially if you’re like me and hate socializing, because it creates a safe community for you that’s totally separate from your religion and your family/religious friends.

Another to keep in mind is that leaving Islam and recognizing its shittier aspects doesn’t mean you have to, like, abandon your ethnicity and entire sense of self. Culture and religion go hand-in-hand in most Muslim countries, but they don’t have to be totally inseparable. If there is something you like about your culture, or some practice you enjoy that is “supposed to be” for faithful Muslims only, or something that’s “supposed” to be done only in a certain religious way, you can go ahead keep doing that thing without any issue. You can still enjoy the history and past and traditions of your native country, though you are also more than allowed to look at some religious traditions you grew up with through a critical lens. You don’t have to throw away your entire identity just because you leave a religion, and you most definitely don’t have to shut up and never talk about it ever again. Keep the things you love about your culture and your upbringing and feel free to throw the bad things into the trash where they belong, now that you feel no spiritual drive to defend them. Don’t let anyone guilt you into either staying silent about the bad parts or never participating in the good parts. If I ever have kids, they’re getting so much eidi it’ll be ridiculous. And they’ll get a Christmas tree because I like the way they look. We’ll throw a Black Santa in there too, because fuck it, why not.

So that’s the summary. Keep the good, get rid of the bad. Don’t feel any guilt for either part of that. And if someone tells you “noo you can’t do X if you’re not Muslim” or “nooo you can’t do Y without doing Z”, you can feel free to tell them

On a semi-related note, I think that you’ve already started a process that I found really helpful, which is to think about exactly what you find both wrong and absurd about Islam–as in the codified faith itself, not just “cultural” matters. Whenever someone leaves a religion, you’ll always have people saying “oh, they just don’t understand the real religion”. That goes 500x for Islam; virtually all people who leave Islam are told that they just don’t get it. It can feel like gaslighting sometimes. So it’s extremely useful to be able to point to specific parts of the Quran that I find objectively wrong, to say nothing of the ahadith. I have very solid reasons for no longer believing in the faith. I no longer question them, and I don’t let people tell me that I just don’t understand.

And that leads into another hugely important process, which is finding your own system of morality outside the realm of religion. I’ve heard so many shaikhs and dawah bros say “if you’re not religious, how can you have any morals?”, often taking that to absurd conclusions, like saying you have to be fine with murder or whatever. That is, obviously, insane. I don’t need a warlord and slave owner (PBUH) to explain to me why XYZ Is Bad. I can figure it out on my own and find a personal morality that doesn’t depend on any institution and is suited for the world that I live in. It sounds like you’re pretty much already there, and that’s a big deal. Having some moral structure in your life means that you won’t feel totally lost without Islam. You’re gonna be okay, sis.

So… like I said, hell if I have all the answers to these questions anon, I’m trying to figure all of it out myself. But that’s the best advice I can give you, and I hope it was at least semi-helpful? You can always feel free to message me or send me another ask if you ever just feel like ranting or screaming into the void, trust me, I get the feeling!! 💕

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So I've been wanting to talk to, possibly romantic, other bi/and or lesbian girls a lot recently. The thing is I'm really awkward and shy about romance. I've just turned 19 and I'm really bad at social interaction and have never been in a relationship. I was thinking about joining tinder to maybe talk to other LGBT+ people and see where things lead but Idk if its a good idea. I don't really know how to go about finding other LGBT+ ppl irl besides my few friends who are all introverted too. Pt.1

I feel awkward about the thought of using tinder, like people are gonna be judgy or it'll just end up embarassing me because my friends will tease me, not in a rude way or anything. Any tips on how to go about this? Should I avoid tinder since idk if I really want a romantic relationship rn?? I'd really like to talk to more LGBT+ girls outside my friend group though and I don't have much time in my schedule to do a lot of events at school, I work everyday and go to college full time. Pt.2

There is a little LGBT+ supporting cafe that I'm gonna start going to, but I can only ever make it at the tail end of open mic nights at like 9:30 and stuff. Is it weird that I really want to meet a girl? I was never really interested in relationships until I really accepted that I was bi and it's only a really recent development that id like to date someone. I just feel really awkward about my inexperience and how to approach going about this all. Pt3?. Fin.

So first of all, people who are on tinder are probably (hopefully) not judging you for also using tinder. There’s also apps specifically for queer women such as Her. OKCupid is also very queer-friendly.

If your friends will tease you even if you are uncomfortable then they aren’t really any good friends to begin with.

The whole purpose of dating sites/apps is not to log in there and immediately find someone to spend the rest of your life with. Unfortunately that’s what a lot of people thing these sites/apps and dating in general is about. But “dating” first and foremost means “getting to know someone so you can figure out whether you are interested in them/could imagine something long-term”. Dating as such doesn’t have to be romantic in nature. It just means you are seeing someone in order to decide whether or not it could go romantic (and/or sexual).

Going to that café sounds like a good idea. I really think that meeting queer people offline is a very good idea in general in order to feel more comfortable with your own identy.

And there’s nothing weird about wanting to try dating women. It doesn’t matter how much or little interest you’ve had in romantic relationships so far. It also doesn’t matter how inexperienced you are. If it’s any help: I’m 28 and only just lest year got together with my first romantic partner. There really isn’t any shame in being inexperienced at 19. A lot of sapphic women actually are inexperienced at that age, so you’re not alone.

Maddie

[swordarkeereon]

When Everyone Knows You

I woke up to yet another email this morning where a stranger was warning me about another stranger claiming to know me. Apparently, this other person was telling everyone who would listen that they knew my publicist, that I had stolen my experiences from other people, that she knew me really well and knew I was a fraud. I politely thanked the stranger for the heads up and went on my merry way. I’m starting to feel like if I had a five dollar bill for every person who claimed to know me “really well” in order to discredit me, I’d have a nice little retirement account going.

Back before Facebook was a thing, a lot of people didn’t know I was a woman. So on rare occasion, I would hear random people saying that they knew Mr. S. Connolly, and he was a moron who didn’t know anything about magickal practice. Then FB came along and suddenly quite a few more folks, most who had maybe sent me a PM saying hi or asking a casual PM question, started telling everyone they were my best friend and knew me really well. They also knew my coven brothers and sisters, my publicist, my PA, etc…

It’s always interesting to walk in on a conversation about yourself that includes a person who claims to know you really well when you don’t know them at all. Especially when that conversation is particularly unflattering. I walked in on a virtual conversation about myself about a year ago where a young woman in her twenties who lived in Colorado Springs (70 miles south of where I live) was telling everyone that she had met me in person, and we’d had a conversation at length about Daemonolatry. In this imaginary conversation, she found me stupid, illogical, etc… You know, same song and dance. So I politely said hello and asked the young twenty-something where we’d met. Especially since I’m rather anti-social and VERY particular in who I give my personal time to. I also don’t go to parties or events where I talk Daemonolatry openly (unless they’re closed coven/order events where I really do know the people personally), nor do the types of events I go to tend to attract 20-something gothic vampire girls (except maybe the Denver Pop Culture Con, but even then I’m working and as folks I really have met can tell you – there’s not a lot of one-on-one face time available at those events). This young lady was pretty distinctive and striking – and I know for a fact I would have recognized her if we’d met before. So when I showed up and called her out on it, she immediately disappeared from the conversation and never responded. Though I have no doubt she’s probably still out there telling everyone she knows me just because we live in the same state with over 70 miles between us. Perhaps I pissed her off with something I wrote, or refused to read for her, or disagreed with her on something. Who knows. People can be very strange and hold grudges for extremely petty reasons.

Today’s incident was no different. The person claiming to know me, my publicist, etc… really well, was someone who was pushing herself on me in my PM inbox a great deal in 2017. I fended the attempted forced friendship because I wasn’t interested in hanging out with a twenty-something whose life was a mess. I’m at a very different place emotionally and spiritually. In those PMs she kept insisting we meet for coffee. I finally gave in and even planned coffee at a local diner with her once, but she backed out, making me wonder if she was ever in Colorado to begin with. Again, we’d never met. I’m in my mid-forties, married, live in the suburbs, have a mortgage, a career, and my own life and friends. I don’t generally hang out with folks outside my own age group (occult, writing, or other). I don’t have time to party, or be extra social. So I’m wondering where these people are meeting me except in my inbox, where the interaction is usually something like: “I have a question, can you help?” And my response is, “Sure. Here is some advice.” Then there’s usually a thank you and that’s that. Or, if there is any personal talk, it’s all small talk. Like, “I’m fine, how are you? I am working on deadlines right now…”

The number of people I actually DO know is a lot smaller than my FB friends list. A LOT. Out of the 5000 people on FB, I probably know about 300 of those people in the real world, and of that, probably only 50 of them know me well enough to have a valid opinion of me. Funny how it’s never anyone in those 50 people (let alone the 300 I actually know IRL) who are the ones running around telling everyone that they know me really well. LOL  I wasn’t kidding when I said I was an introvert.

So either there’s someone out there in occult land pretending to be me in the real world (doubtful), or there are some people out there who I’ve upset in some way. Either I hurt their feelings with something I said, or I didn’t give them something they wanted. In return, they pretend to know me because they think it gives them more credibility when they’re talking or when they try to discredit me.

I find this phenomenon fascinating and wonder how many times I’ve listened in on conversations where someone was pretending to know a public figure they didn’t know just to discredit that person. It has made me more aware of not allowing that kind of talk to sway my opinion of anyone in the public light. Because if it happens to me I have no doubt it happens to other public figures, too.

As always, if you ever need to check out someone’s story — I will happily share with you if the person you’re dealing with is someone I know IRL, if they’re someone who I’ve only had a limited PM or email contact with online, or if I just don’t know them at all. There’s a huge difference between an actual friend, a casual online acquaintance, and a complete stranger who friends you on FB. Sadly the whole Facebook “friend” designation suggests the people who connect with you on social media are actually closer than they are. While private individuals can pick and choose who they want to connect with, public figures tend to let complete strangers onto their public social media pages, giving fans (or haters) a false sense of closeness. Perhaps that alone is the reason for the phenomenon?

What do you think about this topic? Share in the comments!

[littlecomma]

My Foray Into the “Real World”

I’ve been so happy to be a part of a new group of friends which I discovered online, through Twitch and without the help of my husband, but tonight (well, last night), I re-introduced myself to some of my “IRL” friends. - In other words, I ventured into the “real world,” also known as the world outside my apartment, to meet up with some of my in-person friends.

I’ve been putting off this type of human interaction, often using the venue as an excuse not to join in on “ladies’ nights” despite my friends’ attempts to entice me. I always had plenty of time ahead; there would be other days to spend together and other reasons to not show up. Then our therapist pointed out that, while she is so happy that I’m opening up and interacting with new, online friends, that perhaps it would be healthy for me to meet some folks in-person. To make acquaintances, regardless of lasting friendships, with real, live, human beings.

She was right.

I only came close to having a panic attack a couple of times, but most of those were at the start of the night. I got a couple text messages around 1 pm and wanted badly to decline going dancing, but by 5:30, I thought about our last therapy session and realized that it was just an excuse to say I didn’t want to dance, not because I didn’t want to go, but because I didn’t want to face the social anxiety that has been developing over the past couple years head-on.

So I said “yes” to leaving my apartment for more than a chore; to leaving the house and going to a place that may be unfamiliar; to leaving and interacting with people in-person.

Something amazing happened after we met up, sometime just past 9 o’clock. I realized that I was with friends, good friends, and that I was safe here; not because of the location, but because of the people I was with. I still almost went into a panic attack after I was picked up and again after we arrived at the bar/club, but it didn’t happen. I was safe. I was okay.

I had connected to the chat group that links me to the Twitch family, just in case, and received encouragement from them as well. It helped. But so did realizing that I was with people who would protect me and who would understand when I finally explained why I’d been less and less present over the past year and a half or so. And, sure enough, they did! They understood and they accepted it. They loved me regardless of it.

Some of those friends are moving soon, and not just to another apartment - they are going to move across the country and all the way to the other coast. I don’t have forever anymore, but I don’t want to regret what I missed just because I couldn’t recognize social anxiety at the time. Labeling it seems to give me some power over it, but it’s not just that. What really gives me power to do something about it is recognizing it is present at all. I love my friends and I love spending time with them, but I’ve let this thing keep me from the people I loved and I’ve used everything else as excuses for it. Either it was too late at night or I didn’t like the venue; or I was gaming or into binge-watching shows; or something else that, now, sounds equally lame out loud.

I didn’t even realize, for so long, that this kind of anxiety was building within me to such a degree that it would keep me from things I actually did enjoy. I knew I had some social anxiety in meeting new people, but these are folks I’ve known for a few years (some two, some up to 3 or 4 years). In fact, these are some of the folks who, aside from my best friend in AZ and my sister, know the most about me. We used to do so much together, from baking to getting mani/pedis. Yet, somehow, I couldn’t even do that with them anymore.

I hereby refuse to let my social anxiety control who I am.

I have realized how detrimental it has been to me; to who I am now and to who I want to work towards becoming. I’m not saying it will be easy to overcome or that it will happen quickly, but I am determined to work on this aspect of my life. I am determined to overcome it bit by bit, starting with the anxiety of being with people I know.

Sometimes I feel like, if I see them today, I have to explain myself for why I did not see them yesterday. Or, if I turn them down today, I will have to explain myself to them tomorrow. Both of those are wrong: I don’t have to explain why I didn’t see them or call them the day before. And I don’t have to be afraid to say “I was just too anxious” or “I wasn’t in a good place to hang out.” These folks will understand or, at the very least, try to.

Sometimes I feel like I need an excuse to say “no,” so I may say “that’s not my scene” or “that’s a little late for me, even on a weekend.” But I need to remember that it’s okay to say “I’m not really in the mood for that today” or “would you be okay if we just hung out and made cookies, instead?” Or any plethora of other options. If I’m not comfortable with going to a new place, I need to remember that it’s okay to feel that and to voice that. It’s okay to offer another suggestion.

Sometimes I worry if I’ll enjoy myself in a place. But the thing is that I’m not going to the place; I’m going somewhere with friends. Ant that’s so much more important to remember. It’s not the place, but the people that is driving me out the door, into a car, and down the road.

And so, with that in mind, I do solemnly and hereby acknowledge that my social anxiety has become an issue, since it has made an excuse of not spending time with people I care about; and that, from this day onward, I intend to work on that not-so-little issue to the best of my ability.

It will not likely be easy nor quick, but I have friends, both online and in-person, who are supportive and encouraging. And that, more than anything else in the world, will help SO much. And with that help, I will do my utmost to contribute to my own mental and social health and well-being by trying to do the following:

Stop and think about the request - the people, the event, the location.

Determine if I want or do not want to go out of pure and honest feelings or if it is a result of anxiety or fear.

Remember that, as our therapist says, no one is inherently lazy, so that is not a good excuse for not doing something you actually want to do.

Realize that there are people who will still love and accept me no matter what I’m going through or what excuses I am making.

Honestly decide what I want and follow through - and if I am honestly not in a good place to participate, then to own up to it and be honest about why; if I don’t want to say no, then I should not say no.

Don’t make excuses just for the sake of explaining myself but try to be honest about my reasoning / feelings.

And, lastly, make a conscious effort to recognize and work on my anxieties, social and otherwise.

I’ve dealt with anxiety since a young age, but I haven’t always had to focus on social anxiety, specifically. Now, I recognize it is a part of my anxiety and something that I need - no, WANT to work on. I should not let anxiety direct my life in any direction, especially when it comes to my friendships. It may take some time, but my goal is that I want my real-world experiences to no longer be compromised by my anxiety or by my fears.