#i wish i knew how to navigate needing support as an adult.

[vanillabat99]

I think I am slowly accepting that I will never be able to be "fully independent". Even though I am living with my family, I still require help and care that they aren't able to provide due to having work or school. There have been many times, especially recently, where I have been stuck in bed, alone, and hungry, with nobody able to help me. I am not able to leave the house on my own, I struggle to make phonecalls, I can't remember important medical information or insurance information, I am rarely able to make meals for myself. I can barely wash my own hair. I don't qualify for any kind of homecare, since I live with my family, and I don't have anyone who can visit me to help like that.

I don't think I will ever be as independent as I hoped I would be. I wanted to move out, have a job, go to university. As time goes on, I'm less and less sure I will be able to finish highschool. It is very difficult trying to figure out what I am able to do. I have had to give up on many plans and dreams, and I'm not sure what I have left to work with.

Disability is hard. I know it looks like I sleep all day and do nothing, but I am simply trying to survive in a world that was not built with me in mind. After lots of time and effort, I want to be alive and have a life that makes me happy, and I want to figure out how to have that. I want to know what "happy" can look like for me. I want to know what my options are, if I can have a place of my own, if I can get help when I need it.

I want to be alive. The world makes it hard, but I want to be alive.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Using the internet and technology with high needs autism

I have been trying to put this into words for a while, but due to the exact thing I am making the post about, it has been very difficult.

First of all, a short (ish - I am not the best at concise) background of me and technology: Used to play games on dad's phone, and later watch YouTube videos on family tablet (with parent restrictions). However, ability to navigate devices was very limited, and if something went wrong I just panic and give to an adult.

We used computers a bit in school for work and educational games. Every time we went to the "computer area" I would cry because I knew I wouldn't be able to find the webpage on my own, or sign in to something, or type in a word document. At these times in school, usually another pupil would just sigh loudly and then come and do the computer thing for me over my shoulder.

I had an MP3 player that I got for I think my 8 or 9th birthday. The only thing I knew how to do, was play music and google search. But I still didn't really understand what a "link" was, or how to find important information. We were supposed to learn online research skills in school, but nobody ever explained the most simple stuff to me, so I lack the basic knowledge.

I got my first phone at age 10. This was when I also first get Instagram, my first social media (parents set up for me). I was in a group chat for my school year, but the only time I put a message there is when mum asked me to ask a question, about a non-uniform day for example. Nobody interacted with me in there, and apart from the messages I don't know how to navigate the app. I posted a few pictures a few times, but only when someone else recommended, and I didn't interact online.

I have poor language comprehension, slow processing and take longer to learn new skills. My computer skills and especially typing skills are majorly behind my peers. I have slowly learned some skills allowing me to be even on Tumblr in the first place, but I still need a lot of support and it makes me very anxious. Part of my difficultly on social media, is the social interacting part. Mostly due to low interest.

But my biggest challenge is poor comprehension. I get very anxious and upset when I come onto Tumblr and all the posts I try to read don't make sense to me. Especially when the post is about a topic I care about - if I read it and I can't know what people mean, then I will just be very upset for the rest of the day.

Second biggest challenge, not being able to express opinions on important topics. Often, I can't even understand something. Then, I can't form an opinion because it's too complex. Or, I have an opinion, but I don't understand if someone agree or disagree with me from what they write.

I work so hard to gain skills and learn enough to even be here, and then all I can find about people like me is other people arguing about our existence. Want to express my frustration at this. To even write this post I had support from mum, and it takes all my mental energy.

It is true that I have low interest in socialising - direct impact of autism. So social media maybe not best place in the world for me, by default. But I still want to understand and be included. Not be treated like place to just ask "am I counting as high support needs". I don't understand even my own needs enough to answer this for myself - I definitely can't answer for anyone else.

A lot of my challenges, come direct from autism. That's just a fact. Wish it was easier, very often. But also wish it was easier online - I can't be part of outside community, only online.

I post here to express thoughts and feelings, that is also just what this post is doing. I did less big big edit on my words this time, wanted words to be closest to how I think it (don't think in words so not possible to show abstract thoughts direct, but closest to first translation).

[intersex-support]

hello! i display a lot of the symptoms of having trisomy x and would like to find out for sure if i'm intersex or not, but afaik the only way to know for sure is to get a karyotype and i'm terrified of the medical discrimination i might face as a result of doctors knowing i'm intersex. is there any other way for me to find out but still have my doctor not know? or am i just overreacting (especially since most other intersex people don't get the choice of finding out or not)?

Hi anon!

I think it's totally understandable that you have a lot of fear about trying to navigate the medical system as a potentially intersex person. It can be really difficult to have to deal with the amount of discrimination we face when we're seeking a diagnosis and existing as an intersex person in the medical system. It's fucked up that we have to think through all these things when we're seeking care, instead of just being able to trust that we would receive compassionate and respectful care that honored our autonomy.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any way for you to confirm a Trisomy X diagnosis without getting a karyotype/chromosomal microarray, just because there really is no other way to confirm what chromosomes you have. However, I think there are some ways that you could navigate it that might make it a little easier to avoid some kinds of discrimination.

This information is all based on the US healthcare and insurance system because that's what I have direct experience with, but feel free to send another ask if you live somewhere else and we can brainstorm some ideas for your health system.

My first thought is that if you want a diagnosis but don't want to impact the rest of the medical care you receive, you might be able to see a separate genetic counselor that's not linked to the rest of your medical record and medical care. There are a lot of services that do telehealth genetic counseling such as Genome Medical, and if they take your insurance, you might be able to get testing set up through them but not have it show up on the rest of your medical record. The nice thing about this is that you only have to deal with the telehealth clinician a few times and then get to choose whether or not you want to disclose this information to any future providers you see, and you don't need to have this information in your medical record if you don't want to.

If that's not an option but you have a PPO or POS health insurance plan where you can see any preferred network providers without referrals, you might be able to go to a separate genetic counselor that is part of a different hospital or clinic than where you normally receive care.

If your health insurance is an HMO plan where you have to get PCP referrals and can only see in network providers, that might make it difficult to seek care that isn't linked to your medical record. If this is the case but you're still interested in seeking a diagnosis, it might be worth brainstorming some things that would make you feel safer through the process. This could look like bringing another supportive person with you who could help advocate for you, preparing scripts for how you want to advocate for yourself, seeking out information about your rights as a patient, asking other intersex people for doctor recommendations, bringing in the "What we wish our doctors knew" brochure from InterACT. I won't lie, having an intersex variation on your medical record can make seeking medical care more complicated, but I think it can be slightly easier to navigate when you're a teen or adult who has more autonomy over their care, can consent to things, switch providers more easily, and has more of a say in their care.

If any followers have any other innovative ideas about how to seek diagnosis, feel free to add on.

Ultimately, the choice about whether to seek a diagnosis or not is always up to you. You're the expert on your own experience and know what would feel right for you at this point in your life. I don't think you're overreacting or being silly, and I wish things were different and it was easier for you to seek a diagnosis.

Truly wishing you the best of luck, anon.

[fangirlanxiety74]

Well as I prepare to post about OCs and AUs and whatnot, giving y'all a treat by talking about my interpretations/headcanons of IHNMAIMS characters!!! Starting with Gorrister because my OC connects back to him oops!!!

TW: Attempted Unalive mention, Abuse mention. It's not huge/detailed but I still want to warn y'all incase!!! Under cut!!!

-

So with how I interpret him, I guess I mean by like. How I see his backstory and how that affects what happened to him canonically in the story? Very obviously he was apathetic, a "shoulder-shrugger," someone who just became a husk of themselves. As for what happened that caused AM to make him like this. We of course have how he was a peace activist and someone with strong justice and morals; a pacifist. But I'm going further than that to explain the why's of how he became a pacifist.

Personally, I think he just grew up in a good home and a good community. Like, one of those small neighborhoods that were really supportive and helped one another out all the time, everyone knew everyone, etc. He was taught growing up to be kind, help your fellow man, be good to animals and nature, etc. And it just stuck with him, especially once he grew up enough to learn the reality of how the whole world isn't like that at all. Which is probably what inspired him to start becoming a peace activist; he got the privilege to have a good life, but it shouldn't be a privilege; others deserve that, too.

As far as his adult life, I do like how the game gave him a wife, and I want to keep Glynis in mind for his backstory. I think they met at a soup kitchen volunteering together!! It was a really sweet and romantic relationship, the kind everyone would see and tell them how perfect they are for each other/how they wished they had a love like theirs. And for the most part it was, but. In my mind, Glynis unfortunately did have trauma and Gorrister really did not know how to navigate it. But he tried his best. Because he really did love her, you know?? And she appreciated it, even though it was hard for the both of them.

I don't think he's ever put a hand on her, that part of the game I don't acknowledge (I also don't acknowledge him being a truck driver? I think he just travels a lot as an activist). But I do think that. What happened that caused the whole "I didn't make too much noise, did I honey?" was that. Gorrister was unreachable/wasn't home during a time when Glynis really needed him, and that caused her to try and attempt to unalive. And when Gorrister found out, he was so ashamed and guilty that he wasn't there for her he jumped the gun and put her in electroshock therapy, thinking it would help (this would explain the game in putting him in a shock cage, which I think this is what the game implies anyways? I don't know I got this idea from a fanfic I really like).

But given that what he did in trying to help his wife, only to make her even worse, AM took that opportunity to just really drive it home what he's done and make it out as all his fault. I don't think AM just rewired his brain, I think AM took the information he knew about Gorrister and just beat him down until he was at his lowest. And once he was at his lowest, AM took his heart (literally) and the rest of him is history.

Idk if any of what I said makes any sense but like, oh well!! That's what I think happened to him :)!!

-

Other random headcanons:

I think, in modern era, he would really love the game Undertale. I have a whole ramble on this alone but I think Undertale is like, the perfect type of game for him. Especially with the whole "Despite Everything, it's still you" line and how the literal mechanic is to be merciful. I think his favorite character would be hard to choose but maybe Frisk.

If I had to assign him a FNAF character, it'd be Foxy

I do support the idea that he's from the south! Him and Ted being southern buddies is just a silly idea to me

This is maybe out of left field but I think at one point he wanted a child but Glynis didn't due to not being in a safe place mentally to take care of one and he respected it.

But in that case maybe they owned an animal!! I think he really likes animals.

The reason he's so good at telling stories is cause he would tell stories to the kids he'd help out during his time as an activist! And in turn, his mom would tell him stories to help him sleep at night when he was younger!

I think in modern era, despite how I said he would like Undertale, he would have no idea how to work technology. The only reason he knows Undertale is because someone else told it to him

Haha yeah anyways this is super long i might give out more headcanons later but uhhh oops!!! Hope y'all like reading this <3

[seginbeats]

Would you actually be open to someone's character having a parental relationship with Giacomo :0 ?

Okay this ask has been sitting here for almost two weeks now, let me answer this to the best of my ability.

Here's the thing.

Even though Giacomo got kicked out, and his parents refuse to communicate with him unless he adheres to their house rules, he still considers them his parents. There’s still love in his heart. He still wishes for their validation. But that isn’t something that either of them are willing to offer at the moment. Giacomo’s way of life, and the dreams he has, are not supported whatsoever in that household.

That being said, Giacomo also sees himself as grown. He’s in that phase of, “I’m out on my own, I’ve been on my own for almost two years now, I can handle myself, I’ll be fine, I don’t need help.” I’m sure you remember being 17-18 years old, and believing that you knew EVERYTHING about the world, including how you planned on navigating it.

Since he sees himself was grown, he’s not exactly hard pressed to find a parental figure— that’s something that’ll come around naturally, if at all.

And if that were to happen, it’s not going to be a simple matter of “this person is being nice, I’m going to call them mom” or however it’ll be. He’s going to push back. He’s going to be frustrated. He’s going to reject that kindness, because he’s not used to it.

You know those videos of feral kittens being grabbed up, and they’re hissing and biting and wriggling, and you just sorta have to keep petting them until they’re domesticated??? Yeah, that’s what we’re dealing with here.

So, you’re definitely welcome to try and have your adult muse play that guidance role! Prepare for a LOT of lash back from the boy though. If we’re going to play the found family trope here on seginbeats dot tumblr dot com, it’s going to be complicated, he’s going to bite, and it’s a matter of whether that’s something your muse is willing to put up with, or something that they are capable of working him out of.

[jmflowers]

As an adult still living in my parents' house, I struggle a lot with the notion of feeling safe and respected.

I exist here still out of a necessity. My mom had a near-death scare when I was about 21 and a choice I made in the moment saved her, so I've always felt a sense of guilt about leaving. She's afraid to not have me here, even almost a decade later.

My presence has worked in our favour over the years - as both of my parents and myself have struggled with various health challenges. But this house doesn't feel like home and I don't feel like myself when I'm here. In fact, I escape elsewhere as often as I can.

Ultimately, I think, it starts to boil down to love languages. Which sounds crazy, I know, but my entire family has different love languages than my own. They all give and receive love in ways that are completely contradictory to my own methods.

I hate to be touched, but both of my parents receive love that way. They'll guilt me into hugs I don't want, or brush their hands against me on the way past, or tap me on the arm randomly without warning. It sets off alarm bells whenever I'm in familial space and the risk of it is imminent. I rush to get ready for work in the morning, hoping that I'll be able to slip out the door before either of them get up to say goodbye to me.

My father gives love in acts of service - my lowest ranked love language. Which is so frustrating for me, someone who is particular and a little Type A who prefers things a specific way, because he doesn't do things right. He'll fold my clothes in the wrong direction or not complete all the steps of a task and then I just have to re-do it anyways. And I know he means well, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to stop.

Which is how it all boils down to this lack of feeling safe or home or respected. My very basic needs for comfort are ignored in favour of what makes them happy. My autonomy is disregarded on a daily basis. And all of it just skyrockets my anxiety to a place that feels uncomfortable and challenging to navigate.

Living like this leads to me working long hours, to blowing money on travel and adventure I can't really afford, to literally wanting to flee the country if only to have the space to exist as my base self. And they're supportive of my desire, yeah, but they still instill the guilt. They've bestowed a responsibility upon me to take care of them without acknowledging what I need to be able to do that.

I know it's not literal harm. I know they are not abusing me or causing trauma or really doing anything but being themselves and doing the best they know how. But it is so suffocating. And fascinating, really, that it circles back to something so unbelievably basic.

I wish I knew a concrete way to change any of it.

[zhuhongs]

dear god, i’m going to lose my mind. 我為什麼是這樣的人！！！

I can’t do it. No matter where I go, I can’t connect with others. I try and try but I cant fucking do it. I try my best, I know all the correct answers. I know how to make people like me but still I can’t manage to do it. It almost feels like it’s too late. I’ve established myself as the person who keeps to herself and only knows how to respond, never initiate. i want to change. I want to do better but why am i scared. Why do i care what other people think?!??! In 6 months time I won’t know absolutely any of them!! Why should I care? I shouldn’t yet I hesitate. I miss out on potentially finding a good friendship because I refuse to put myself out there. I always do this, nothing has changed at all. Just like with teaching, I thought if I forced myself into an environment where I would be uncomfortable, i would find it easy to change. But I can’t. I’m to comfortable staying as I am to make any meaningful change. I scrutinize those around me when i myself am just as pitiful. I laugh at my roommates who spend so long getting ready when in a way I wish I was like them. But in a way I don’t want to be them. I know the way they talk about others and I think that while on the outside they seem nice and agreeable, they are very judgemental, cruel people. They’re the exact kind of young woman I hate the most. Yet I live with them so I might as well be pleasant, and they will be too even though I’m sure we have a mutual unspoken dislike of the other. But still, why can’t I just stop caring?!

 I feel the overwhelming need to scream. I’m so painfully lonely even though people are around me at every waking second. Some days are good and I can be myself and not care. But the days that are hard are very hard. I want to do things and be amazing, and social, and enviable. But I cannot do anything. I’m always isolating myself somehow, and I don’t even realize it. I came here to run away, bc I mistakenly thought that it was just that my area didn’t suit me, surely I’d thrive elsewhere if I gave it a shot. But as I should’ve known from the countless books, and movies, and media I’ve consumed before -- I cannot run away from myself. My sadness will not change if I move, if anything it may only get worse. I mean think about it? Where I always lived may have been lonely at times, but it was a loneliness I knew how to manage. I had a support system, we just only met briefly due to life. But here, everything is lonely. Everything is knew and hard, even the things that I should know how to do. It’s difficult to buy food and get from school to home sometimes. That’s really hard on a person, to go from knowing your world like the back of your hand just for everything to be pushed to the right. It’s just similar enough that you feel like an idiot for not knowing how to do it, but different enough that everything is hard. And add onto that, I don’t have a space of my own to call home -- god. Yea. It’s difficult. 

But I feel like a spoiled brat saying this is hard, knowing that it’s an experience very few get to have. It’s a privilege. I know that. Back in High School I had a close friend that lived in Hong Kong for a year, and she talked about how difficult it was. All the adults praised her for being so strong to navigate hong kong alone as a teenager that didn’t speak cantonese. But I remember thinking that she was lucky. She got to live there because her dad was a rich pilot, sure she was alone but that was the experience of a lifetime, she should’ve taken advantage of it and enjoyed it more. Now here I am, doing something similar. I mean, I am learning the language. But sometimes it really is hard. I feel like going back in time and slapping my past self for being so ignorant. Thankfully I never said that thought to my friends face. I get it now, I mean, she was still a spoiled rich kid, but I get it. There really is a special kind of loneliness living alone in a foreign city that’s so different from your own. Right now I want a friend so bad but it frustrates me to no end how hard it is for me to make any sort of bond right now. 來慢慢的，慢慢的。

I feel like I used the fact that my cousin lives here and my two friends will be returning next year as a crutch to shield myself from making any real friends. Now I regret that, but it’s also nice to have. Maybe I would’ve been like this anywhere, so at least having them is a saving grace. I don’t know, I just feel so strange about everything. Almost helpless. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for someone to approach me, even though I know I need to grab hold of what’s in front of me in order to get what I want. Why can’t I make that step forward. Why can’t I throw away my pride and just become shameless for a second. It doesn’t even matter in the end. Why not treat this as a trial run for all the potential versions of myself I can become without any of the strings attached. 

I hope someday soon I can do that, but for right now I keep running and running trying avoid others. But my efforts of running away will always fail me. Just like right now I went to a cafe to try and get some peace and quiet but turns out my roommate went to the same cafe and now I am awkwardly trying to avoid her despite being 10 feet away from her. And I even tried to ask her which cafe she was going to, to avoid this sort of situation. My intuition never fails me. I know it. i fucking know itttttt. Life is so funny is it not?

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Our Parents Created Our Patterns.

I'll go first. My life right now is wild af, and I say that based on my past, but my past also makes sense as to why I'm here right now.

I got here based on existing in constant survival mode, and choosing directions based on trying to get my immediate needs met. Hyperindependence and burnout have been my constants.

I'm a product of a single parent household, low-income, moving around constantly, from Chicago, to Minnesota, to Houston, all by the age of 4, from homeless shelters, to living with family, to living in different apartments & neighborhoods around Houston, living in the final homeless shelter by 12, and finally being in a stable home by the age of 13 onward.

My father was in Chicago, only reaching out to me on birthdays or holidays, so he wasn't present, so I've never had much expectations of him. He has never been interested in me. Even when I've expressed interested in him and asking him to try to be present with me or call me more or come to see me, he has never followed through with it.

I grew up experiencing job, housing, & emotional instability and as a child I knew life was hard, inconsistent, and I'd have to setup and rely on myself, because the adults around me didn't seem to have it down to provide for themselves, so introduce me into that. . . there was no hope unless, I created hope for myself.

I have always experienced joblessness, career instability, and homelessness, from birth until now. I followed external advice, got a BA-Political Science & MA-International Policy & Development, trying to create what seemed to make sense, but could never find career stability due to layoffs and honestly not knowing what direction to go in. It's a pattern that has followed me well into adulthood. And I've always done the best I could, with zero support, as I don't have an immediate support system from parents or family.

Sure, they're alive and I can call them, but they've never provided a true support system, where if I fall I can count on them, because often times, they themselves have been falling their entire lives, so of course they couldn't create a space for me to exist when I fell.

What made it even worse is that I'm an only child and have felt so neglected, emotionally, directional, physically, etc., as if they projected the ability to be self-sufficient and independent upon and therefore didn't need to intervene because they assumed I got it? Yes, I've heard my mother tell me, I seemed to have it all together. . .and therefore thought she wasn't needed. And I'm thinking, you created this, you made me believe I couldn't rely on you because when I'd ask for help I wouldn't get it; you made me believe I had to rely on myself because you & my father were always in the struggle. So how do you expect me to rely on you when you literally cannot be relied upon?

I've navigated many hardtimes by myself, not because they didn't know, but because they couldn't offer anything other than prayer and well wishes, they supported me being in my own survival mode. And for a while I was angry at them, I still am disappointed because I thought that I could rely on them no matter what, but I've been letdown by them constantly and their inability to show-up for me in tangible ways as I've seen my other friend's parents be able to do. It's hurtful because I always believed otherwise, even when the proof was there because they were my parents and I gave them grace even when I shouldn't have.

However, my goal is to not become my parents, I have to get it right, and break this pattern and cycle of not existing in survival mode, because I want to thrive and I'm meant to thrive!

I will create my own support system and create a stable foundation for me and my future generations to exist upon.

Right now, I've been house-sitting through the US because I needed shelter and now I've found myself on the east coast, homeless, and seeking entry into my career field.

This will be my last time starting over. . .

or I'll die trying.

[adeadhorse]

hi again! i definitely see your point about chase being protective over his feelings and thoughts towards zoey (only admitting it to michael and only relying on him for his support or advice in his matters of the heart.) he was not the biggest sharer by any means, and he was smart enough to mask his hopes and secrets when around classmates and friends, to blend in and be more an observer. i always understood this deeply and valued it in him.

though, i do think inconsistency began to present itself as the show progressed, for instance chase gawking at a prom dress zoey is trying on and “needing a drink of water”, and him being visibly dissatisfied or pissed off to hear of an upcoming date of zoey’s — all of this in the third season. it became a seesaw of emotion, intention, action, and reflection between the two in the most adult lens we’d seen them in at that point. at times it could get confusing, infuriating, and nerve wracking wondering what would come of it all.

i always wished i could jump through the screen and just get the two to spend some genuine time together reading one another, and then eventually seeing them come to fruition as a couple, but the unsaid subtext of passion, uncertainty, protection, denial, and delicacy shared in each beat or glance was the special sauce that charged their entire bond. i loved watching it all.

i also respect & acknowledge how zoey was presented in the beginning to be the it-girl: a friend to all, team player, confident, sporty, competitive, funny, etc.. with this character build, it makes sense for maybe less energy to be invested in her more quieter emotions and internal stream of consciousness, unless truly tapped into it by the help of her little brother or a friend. many people struggle with this reality, and it was fascinating to see our main character (chase) be falling for a guarded girl like that over the course of the show.

chase had morals and maturity, and for that he stood out against his male peers, and even among his female peers, for having clever sense of navigation for his responsibilities in his world as a student at PCA. i know he’d never be an outright manipulator or villain for his personal gain, and *truth be told, i was exhausted writing my second ask to you thanking you for replying to my first, and wanted to get it to you as soon as possible so you knew i appreciated your time, and rushed my description on chase and the show.*

i can also see how you’d envision chase struggling with chronic depression, he always gave off subtle vibes of his true self dealing with thoughts of impending doom. even though most kids kicked back and relaxed, his mind and heart were more frequently weighed down by the way he was so amazingly attuned to his environment. his character was a thrill to watch and get to know.

thank you for your response!

Definitely agree with you there. S3 ultimately feels very limited by the conventions of its genre, which is ultimately by a sitcom, plus by its double episode production - you can pretty much see the episodes dip in quality after the halfway mark. Up to that point the writers had been relatively good at not sacrificing people's characters for the sake of a joke, but that ended up happening more in the second half, the dress scene probably being the most egregious example. Because that episode is relatively close to Dance Contest which is pretty romantic, you can argue that Zoey at that point fully suspects that Chase has feelings for her and is starting to reciprocate but isn't quite ready yet (or is waiting for him to make a move), hence why she seems so chill about him basically drooling over her, but then the "arc" of both of their characters, which is Chase trying to repress her emotions and Zoey being oblivious.

Point is, I find the scenes where they act like sitcom characters rather than drama characters quite frustrating, whereas I think the sitcom scenes work in favour for couples like Quinn/Logan (but I hate enemies to lovers as a trope so it doesn't do a lot for me). I also just tend to ignore them because it's very easy for me to dismiss something as being OOC, especially when I'm writing fanfic. Then you add Zoey's limited emotional output, and the dynamic gets hard to write period - it's the main reason I never completed don't let me be the last to know. I completely agree that it would have been nice to have more episodes of them together, where their emotions are a bit more established; hell, I would have killed for something similar to the S2 hammock scene in S3. But alas, the main weakness of S3 especially compared to S2 is the romance which is also why Zoey's relationship with James is such a slap in the face.

Completely understand and hope you're feeling a bit more rested now re: the second ask. Likewise I didn't mean to come off as rude or misinterpret your meaning too much; part of my reply was fuelled by many years of discussion on multiple sites that I felt misremembered and mischaracterised him. I appreciate the discussion and feel free to send me any other ideas you have as well.

[muu-kun]

Muse Masterpost: Psychiatric and Therapist team mini blurb

Something that doesn't get discussed much on this blog, yet most certainly requires a conversation is what exactly are the resources utilized by Muu personally. Especially when considering the overlapping mental health concerns and cognitive deficit. What is specifically in need of noting is in regards to a question I've never been inquired upon, but I'm definitely sure people wish to know: can Muu give proper consent to sexual intimacy as an individual with the occasional high support needs comparable to that of someone much younger in years than himself? I consider this a a fair request of information that I'm more than happy to offer as thoughtful as I can.

Due to a very eye opening conversation with his psychiatrist in which he revealed to them two specific revelations (1: that he would very likely stay with a physically abusive partner due to being under the impression the violence was his fault, and therefor something he is capable of preventing and 2: that he would be equally as likely to have sexual intimacy with a partner regardless of his own interest in the event just as long as he knew it for certain would make them happy with them), Muu was essentially placed immediately into contact with a particular association known for their services made available to neurodivergent individuals such as himself.

It became almost a requirement for him to do so as it became apparent his safety would have been at risk otherwise. At least in regards to his inability to define and recognize what it is to be abused. As well as what being ABUSING may look like as that too has an inclination for occurring even without purposeful malicious intent.

Hence why he was unapologetically assigned to a team designated to not only be available to him via messaging whenever a concerning social situation appears in his vicinity, but also to meet with him in person on the second Friday of every month (whereas he sees his psychiatrist every third Friday of every month to keep conversations amongst all members as updated as he can) to ensure he is still working, living comfortably, and isn't posing as a hazardous concern to his own (or anyone else's for that matter) wellbeing.

One common discussion of many is that of the topic regarding consent. Another is how to decipher when something might be particularly dangerous, and one is a natural consequence. Such as how being hit by someone is dangerous, whereas being ceased from a social event for prior out of hand behavior not apologized for is a natural consequence.

Regarding consent, however, the conversations are typically built around what options are available when he does want to engage in sex, and when he definitely doesn't. Such typically involve offering him words of suggestion to convey his desires of intimacy in a proper way, and of advice on how to properly navigate a situation where he may need to confide in someone a time in which that had not been made available to him. At least in more present situations over those incredibly leering in the past.

And while some might say that by a person at his age shouldn't really need the resources to remind them of bad touch vs good touch, or when someone is being a friend vs a harmful foe; however, I have to remind the masses as carefully as I can that Muu is not a typical twenty six year old individual. There are neurological pathways curated in his mind left exactly the way they were at sixteen years of age, and even earlier. They are not all like this, though, so it is important to note that he's simply an adult who at times may require more care in certain areas than in others.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again: it is completely alright and available to you if your muse's instinct on meeting someone like Muu is to treat them like they are feeble, or near infantile minded. I'd actually strongly recommend a dabble at doing so if concerns over where to gauge his comprehension levels persist. The more questions of what he's understanding, or how he is feeling through particular events, the better really. I'd rather people do that than hold onto the expectation that Muu is no different from all other adults his age only to fall to disappointment and almost disgust when shown / reminded of otherwise.

[roosterforme]

Is It Working For You? Part 5 | Rooster x Reader

Just in case you need to start at the beginning or visit an earlier chapter, check out my Masterlist!

Summary: Just a day at the beach. Bradley finally gets some of the answers he wants, and maybe a little more.

Warnings: angst, fluff, some swears, adult banter, getting more into 18+

Length: 5000 words, yes 5000 words JUST FOR YOU!

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

"What does dress for fun even mean?" you asked Maria through your open door as you tore into your closet the next morning.

"I guess a bathing suit? It's a beach day, make it sexy," she yelled back. You immediately thought of what Rooster might be wearing. Or not wearing. He'd definitely be shirtless at some point, and if you knew anything from the times you'd briefly touched him, the man was ripped. 

"Shit," you whispered as you pulled out your bathing suits. Your body was not the specimen of pure perfection that Bradley's was, but at least it seemed to get the job done. "Purple one piece or black two piece?" you asked Maria.

"Hmmm, black two piece!"

You finished getting ready and inspected yourself in the mirror. It was no string bikini, but you were definitely showing a lot of skin. And your intentionally messy ponytail would be shocking for a work day, but it seemed fine for a day at the beach. You threw on a pair of ripped jean shorts and an oversized tee shirt and headed to your car with your backpack, "I'll meet you there, slowpoke." Maria just gave you the finger in response.

The parking lot above the seaside cliffs beach was narrow, and you snagged one of the last open spots, right next to Bradley's Bronco. Your heart danced in your chest, excited and nervous to see him. You had been waxing poetic about how much you liked him while you were at the Hard Deck, but he hadn't really given you much of a response. Of course, you'd had an awful lot to drink, and hopefully he was just being gentlemanly. But would he be happy to see you today? You also really needed to talk to him about how you felt.

You realized you were going to have to climb down a lot of rocks to get to the beach below, and you wished you had worn something better than your boat shoes. Very gingerly, you took your time safely navigating the boulders all the way down toward the sand. But you slipped and nearly landed on your ass as soon as you saw Bradley. Phoenix had said all of the guys got attention from the locals, and you agreed, they were a good looking bunch. But Bradley was just ridiculously hot. He turned so his back was to you, and he was talking with Coyote and Bob. Just as you hopped off the last of the rocks onto the sand, Bradley reached behind his neck and yanked off his US Navy tee shirt, tossing it to the sand. 

Your lust ridden body was moving at a snail's pace. You didn't know where to go. Thirty feet ahead of you stood the sexiest man you'd ever seen, and you were only looking at his back for fuck's sake. Bob waved to you, and Bradley turned your way to see who was there. 

"Y/N," he called with a smile, seemingly happy to see you. 

His cut off denim shorts rode below his belly button, and he had perfect six pack abs. You could just barely see the waistband of his underwear, and you wanted to run your fingers along it. His body was literally a 6'1" fantasy. 

He ran a hand through his hair and adjusted his sunglasses. As he took a step in your direction, you felt your thighs clench together, and you almost moaned out loud. It was going to be a long day. 

----------------------------------

So you had decided to come to the beach. Bradley knew Maverick had invited a lot of the support staff for the day as well, but so far Hondo was the only one who had shown up. But now you were here, looking beyond adorable. God, he wanted to get you alone and make you explain to him exactly where he stood with you. 

"Y/N! I saved you a spot!" Phoenix called from behind Bradley. And you took off in her direction, just giving Bradley a nervous smile on your way past. He turned and watched you spread your large beach towel out near Phoenix and Halo in what he heard you all referring to as 'the girls' corner '.

Well that just wouldn't do. He gave you a couple minutes to settle in as he walked down to the water to rinse off his arms and cool down a bit. But, then he went and crashed that party. 

"Forgot my towel. Yours looks big enough to share," he announced before plopping down on your towel and lounging back on his elbows.

"Excuse you, this is the girls' corner. Get out," Phoenix told him, pointing toward the area where some of the guys were lounging about. 

"No, I like it over here," he replied as he looked up at you. 

You sighed dramatically and took your sunblock and water bottle out of your bag. "I guess you can stay, but we will be talking about you boys and all manner of other girly things."

"That's cool. I'm very in touch with my feminine side. And I also have a lot of opinions on these guys." 

Halo and Phoenix laughed, but Bradley's breath caught in his throat as you unbuttoned your shorts and shimmied them down your legs. After you neatly folded them and tucked them away, you brought your hands up along your hips and under your shirt. As you pulled it up and over your head, he bit back a groan, completely hypnotized by the expanse of your pristine skin and your cleavage. 

He'd probably made a bad decision by hijacking half of your towel, but it was too late. He was already here, and now you were applying sunblock to your legs. God, those fucking legs. He was dying to touch your skin. He watched you glance between Phoenix and him a few times before holding out the bottle in his direction. 

"Will you do my back?"

Bradley was more than willing to do so, so much to your back... your whole body, really, if he was allowed to. He quickly got himself into a seated position and patted the spot in front of him on the towel. After a second of hesitation, you carefully sat cross legged a few inches in front of him. 

The first swipe of lotion across your shoulder had you leaning back a bit, and Bradley used his big hands to gently rub it into your soft skin. As his fingers dipped underneath your bathing suit strap, he could feel you exhale sharply. He took his time, going over every inch of your back two times with his hands. He let his fingertips rub into your lower back just above your suit bottoms. As he brought his hands up to the back of your neck, he noticed you had stopped conversing with Halo and Phoenix and seemed to be enjoying this little backrub as much as he was. You hadn't pulled away from him. In fact you had been inching closer. He caressed the back of your neck softly, touching the wisps of your hair that had come loose from your ponytail. 

If any of the guys were watching, Bradley would surely be in for a ribbing about this later. And Hangman would try to make his life a living hell if he saw any of this. But you were melting into his touch, so it was worth it. Phoenix had a shit-eating grin on her face, but surely she wouldn't make fun of him too much, since she already knew what a mess Bradley was over you. 

"All done," he whispered to you as he let his fingers drift away from your skin. 

Your simple response of, "Mm, thank you, Bradley," went right to his cock. He was good and fucked at this point, so he just let himself collapse onto his back on your towel. He closed his eyes and listened in on the promised girl talk and the sounds of the ocean. Apparently Phoenix and Halo both used to have a crush on Coyote. That could be good blackmail information for later. Then you told the girls a funny story about a horrible date you went on a few years ago, and your laugh washed over him like the warm sunshine. 

It was still pretty early, and some of the aviators and others were still slowly arriving at the beach. At one point he heard Maverick announce that he had a cooler of drinks and had ordered sandwiches for everyone for lunch. He knew this was supposed to be a team building day, so he was going to try to push aside his feelings about Maverick and make the best of it. 

And it didn't hurt that you broke away from the girl talk to lay down next to him. When Bradley turned his head toward you and opened his eyes, he could tell you were already looking at him through your sunglasses. You both sized each other up for a few minutes, Bradley slowly memorizing the shape of your lips and the curve of your cheeks. Finally he reached out his index finger and tapped your hand. "Wanna talk?" he asked quietly.

"Not really, but yeah, I guess we should. I'm sorry, Bradley. I was pretty out of line on Saturday night. I... shouldn't have butted in on you when you were talking to your two new... friends."

He swallowed hard. "So you want to be just friends with me then?"

"No, that's not what I said. Oh, this is so embarrassing," you groaned and propped your head up on one elbow so you were looking right at him. It took a lot of willpower for Bradley to pry his eyes away from your chest and focus on what you were saying. "I just can't believe I did that. I-I came at you like you were mine or something, and I'm sorry. I think it was the tequila talking, but I know that's not an excuse."

"Sweetheart, I wasn't interested in those girls. I'm interested in you. And you said you liked me. You said you were attracted to me. Was that the tequila talking?" Bradley was ready to beg you for answers if needed.

Sweetheart again. You couldn't handle it. You puffed out a little laugh and a blush crept along your neck and cheeks, now refusing to meet his eyes. "No, that was the sober truth. Drunk truth, too, I guess. But I do like you, and I am attracted to you."

"Then why did you turn me down when I asked you out?" he asked, his heart pounding in his ears.

"I didn't turn you down, I told you not to ask me out at all."

"Is there really a difference?"

"No, I guess not. But I know how you guys are. And I know how I am. And I'm scared ," you whispered.

Bradley liked you so much, he couldn't imagine a world where he would do anything to you that would scare you or hurt you. He would take you out wherever you wanted to go. He would hold you against him and kiss your neck. He would listen to every single thing you had to say. He would appreciate you. He would make love to you exactly how you wanted him to. "Why are you scared? And what can I do to show you that you don't have to be scared of me?"

You raised an eyebrow at him before taking a deep breath. "When I got serious with my last boyfriend, he changed his mind part way through. And then recently when I tried to keep a casual friends with benefits thing going, the guy changed his mind and suddenly wanted to be serious with me. I'm tired of trusting the guys I shouldn't, and having others demand of me what I don't want to give them. And don't even get me started on how dating another officer could impact my career with the Navy."

That made a lot of sense to Bradley. And maybe he wasn't the only one with some issues here. "And does that leave any room at all for me?"

Your only response was your fingers tangling with his on the towel.

--------------------------------------

Your friends finally showed up hours after you had. Now you were sitting on the rocks with Cam and Maria, eating sandwiches and drinking lemonade. 

"Rooster keeps looking at you," Cam noted as he worked on his third sandwich. 

"She keeps looking at him too," Maria added.

They weren't wrong. Bradley was playing volleyball with some of the others, and you were pretty sure he had missed a few shots, because he'd been smiling at you. All you had done was gently held hands with him while you relaxed in the sun, but you'd felt a little bit lighter and fuzzy around the edges since then. 

"No comment," you said as you hopped up from the rocks and started walking toward the water.

"Seriously?! I'm practically employed as your life coach and you won't tell me what's up?" Maria called as she and Cam followed you to the water.

Then all of the guys plus Halo and Phoenix made their way loudly toward the water's edge as well, and Hangman had a football in each hand. Hondo was sorting everyone into two teams. His hand connected with your shoulder as he said, "Blue Team".  

"Huh? What's happening here?" you asked Halo as she was sorted onto the Red Team.

"It's dog-fight football. Offense and defense at the same time. You'll love it."

"How is it offense and defense at the same time?" you asked, frantically trying to find your teammates. 

"It makes sense once you start the game. I'll help you out," said Coyote, who had somehow been selected to be captain and quarterback of your Blue Team.

"Listen up!" yelled Hondo. "I'll keep score. Don't make me call penalties, because it will piss me off. Absolutely no tackling into the sand. And... everyone on the losing team does fifty pushups!" 

Your eyes bugged out, unsure if you'd done that many pushups in the last six months.You had a desk job for crying out loud, and basic training had been a decade ago.

"Maybe I'll just sit this one out," you muttered and tried to sneak away. But Bradley appeared in front of you, shaking his head. "At least let me put my shorts and shirt on over my bathing suit before we start," you pleaded, thinking if you could just get back to your towel, everyone would forget about you.

Bradley took you by the elbow and pulled you back into place, lined up next to your teammates Coyote and Bob. "You have to play, or it will be an uneven number. And I promise, there's nothing to be afraid of," he said, crossing his heart with his index finger. Then he lined up directly across from you with the Red Team and crouched down, hand planted in the wet sand, biceps bulging. You mimed his actions, causing him to burst into laughter. "Now that's intimidating. I'm a little scared, actually."

"Oh, shove it, Rooster!"

"She's already trash talking!" exclaimed Bob. "Kick his butt, Lieutenant Y/L/N!!"

Hondo blew his whistle, and everyone took off running in every direction. You saw Maria pulling Cam through the water, and Phoenix had somehow already scored a touchdown before you even moved. But there was so much chaos, you managed to distract Hangman by calling his name, and you got him to pass to you, even though you weren't on his team.

"Oh no," you gasped when you caught the ball. Then you were off, ducking and running as Payback, the intended receiver, was headed right toward you. Maverick provided some cover, and you scored for your team. 

Halo was right, you were loving this.

"Damn it, Bradshaw! She's fast! Cover her better!" Payback yelled as you jumped up and down with the ball.

"Yeah, I've got her," Bradley replied as you and he lined up across from each other once again. You stuck your tongue out at him in response to his smirk. "She's all mine." 

Now Bradley was on offense, and you had to figure out how to keep the football out of his hands.

"Shit," you gasped as he caught a beautiful pass from Hangman. Unsure of how to stop him from scoring, you jumped directly into his arms. Maybe you could get him to drop the ball?

Nope, not a chance. Bradley scooped you up one handed and hauled you along with him and the football. He adjusted his forearm under your butt, and his massive hand wrapped around your thigh, holding you against his abs. You grabbed his shoulders as he picked up speed and dodged Bob. You tried not to get turned on as his fingers gripped your leg harder. And you tried so hard to keep your hands still, but you couldn't deny yourself the feel of his shoulders then collarbone and then neck beneath your palms.

"Nice try, but that was never gonna work," Bradley whispered against your left ear. That raspy voice left you speechless as he set you gently down in the sand. The loss of contact with his warm body almost made you whine for him to pick you up again.  

Lining up across from Bradley over and over again was exhausting. Sure, the game was tiring you out, but trying to stay calm while presented with his body was mentally taxing. It was as much a form of foreplay as your banter had been. If you moved to the right, he followed you. If he tried to sneak around behind Halo, you were there. Offense or defense, it didn't matter; your hands were all over each other. Sand and water splashed and sprayed up everywhere, adding texture to his glistening, sweaty body.

Oh, how you wanted more.

When Hondo blew the whistle for the two minute warning, you were on defense. Bradley crouched down, planted his hand and slowly shook his head at you. "Come on, Y/N. Show me what you got."

The pass came right toward you both. You jumped and tried to catch it, but he was too tall. He paused and tried to gauge what you were going to do, so you went with your one and only move. You jumped directly into his arms again, wrapping your legs around his waist, and his hand came up to your thigh again. This time you tried to knock the ball out of his hands, but he just laughed and held it high above his head. You felt your chest smashing into his as you scrambled to reach for the ball. Your nipples were so hard, and you knew he could feel them. He ran for the touchdown and tossed the ball back over his shoulder.

"Come on, Baby Girl. I thought we already established that isn't gonna work," he rasped against your neck as his other hand came up to your waist with a squeeze. 

Baby Girl. Fuck, you were on the verge of combustion. His mustache was tickling your neck as he chuckled, and his grip on your body was unrelenting.

You faintly heard the Red Team cheering as they had tallied more points when he scored, but he kept his attention on you.

"You keep doing this, and a guy might think he has a chance with you."

You couldn't respond, you were too turned on. If you opened your mouth, you would definitely kiss him. If you moved your hands from his shoulders, they would end up in his messy, sandy hair. Bradley just slowly lowered your aching body back to the ground, and when your feet hit the water, he winked and told you, "I think it's time for your push-ups."

-------------------------------------

Bradley watched you struggle through your push-ups, but you never gave up. He'd come to appreciate that about you; you were smart, resourceful and determined.

And honestly, he was thankful to have a moment to cool down. Your whole body had been wrapped around him, twice. It was too much. He had been on the verge of kissing your lips and dragging your body against the front of his shorts, where he really needed you.

"Good game, Bradshaw," you told him when you were finally finished with push-ups. You were looking at him like you wanted to jump into his arms again. You shouldn't be looking at him like that, not in front of everyone.

"I really had a lot of fun, Y/N," he replied, hoping nobody else could hear how horny he sounded. 

He watched you swallow hard and then turn back toward your towel.

"God damnit," Bradley muttered as he took off in the other direction. He needed to get away from you, or soon everyone else on that beach was going to know without a doubt that he had it bad for you. They probably already did. Anyone with eyes could see the way he reacted to you every single time you were around him. He grabbed a drink out of the cooler and downed the whole thing.

"Well, that was hot," Phoenix crooned behind him. "Jeez, Rooster, you could at least take her back home before you maul her apart."

"Fuck, everyone knows now?" he asked, his voice pleading.

Phoenix just shook her head in a maybe motion. "I don't think so. I can just tell with you how big of a deal this is. The others probably just think you turned your flirt meter way up for the day."

This did not help calm his nerves at all.

"But it's going to be okay. I've got your back," she said with a saucy wink that did not bode well with him.

Bradley took a walk along the water alone, stopping to wash some of the sand from his body and hair. The sun was starting to dip lower in the afternoon heat, and there had been talk about everyone meeting up to get burgers and then going to the Hard Deck for drinks. It was nice to see everyone getting along today. Maverick was even going to buy the first round. Apparently nothing got aviators more excited than free drinks. 

He turned to see some of the group had already started the climb back up to the parking lot, but you hadn't left yet. You were taking your own solo walk along the far side of the cove, so he took his time before gathering his things together. 

"Bye. See you at the Burger Shack," Phoenix said as she rushed past Bradley, arms filled with stuff as she headed for the boulders. 

"You need help with all of that?"

"I'm doing you a favor," she called back. "You can't help me do you a favor, that's not how it works!" 

There were officially zero women in Bradley's life that made any sense or made things easier for him. 

And now it was just you and him left on the beach as the sun dipped lower. He got his shirt and shoes back on and tucked his keys and phone into his pockets as you slowly traipsed back from the water's edge. 

"Wanna walk up with me?" he asked as you picked up your towel. 

"Where's all my stuff?" you asked, looking around frantically. "I thought my bag was under my towel. My teal backpack had everything in it. My phone and keys and everything."

Bradley glanced around at nothing but empty sand. "I'll bet someone grabbed it by accident. Here, call your phone." He unlocked his and handed it to you as he realized who the culprit most certainly was. 

------------------------------------

Your phone rang and rang and rang. After the third try, you realized nobody was going to answer it. Now you were so mad you'd never taken the time to set up that remote phone tracker app. 

"It's probably with someone at the Burger Shack," Bradley reassured you, shoving his phone back in his pocket. "I can give you a ride there, we can get your bag, and then I'll bring you back to get your car."

You looked up at him and laughed, pushing your sunglasses to the top of your head. "Bradley, I don't have anything except my towel. I don't even have shoes, and it will take me all night to climb up the rocks with bare feet." 

Bradley looked down at your feet as you wiggled your painted toes around. "I can carry you."

"I can't ask you to do that!"

"Then don't ask, just get on," he said, gesturing for you to jump on for a piggyback ride.

You hesitated for a moment, but then conceded, draping your towel around your shoulders. The man had already carried you up to your apartment and that hadn't killed him. "Okay..." you mumbled as he crouched down a little and you hopped up onto his back. You squealed and wrapped your arms around his neck as he grabbed your thighs with both large hands and hoisted you a little higher.

"You okay back there?" he asked, and you could hear a smile in his voice. Of course you were okay, his biceps were rubbing against your sides.

"As long as you are." But he was already starting up the rocks, taking his time to make sure he had good footing. You held on a little tighter and rested your chin on his left shoulder, anxious to see where he was going to step next. He felt so strong, his back pressed against your front. And he smelled so good, you wanted to bury your nose against his warm skin. The thin layers of fabric between you both were doing nothing to keep the butterflies at bay. "I honestly don't know how you are doing this. I almost fell on my ass walking down here earlier!"

Bradley chuckled. "You might be surprised by the things I would be willing to do for a chance to carry a cute girl around."

You could feel yourself blushing hard as your legs rubbed along the soft cotton tee covering his back as he moved. "Will you let me buy you a burger later?" you asked.

"No."

"How about a beer at the Hard Deck?"

"No."

"Well then, what will you let me do?" you whispered in his ear, almost screaming when he audibly groaned in reply.

"There's only one thing I want."

"Oh really? What's that?" 

"I want you to admit that you can't get enough of me, and that's why you jumped on me twice during football." He glanced at you out of the corner of his eye behind his sunglasses with a grin.

You were quiet for a moment as he continued the journey upwards, finally nearing the top.

"Okay, first of all, how am I supposed to defend against someone roughly twice my size? It should have been Bob playing against you! Second, that was my only move, Bradshaw. Other than flinging myself at you like a flying squirrel and hoping for the best, there was no better option. And third...."

"Yes, go on..." he teased as you two reached the top of the hill, the beach now far below you. You were coming up quickly to the Bronco as Bradley carried you in that direction. 

"Well, third, yeah... you know. Come on, you know you look good, Rooster." 

"Not as good as you, Sweetheart," he rasped as he let go of your leg with his right hand and quickly unlocked the passenger door. He pulled it open and gently bent to set you down on the passenger seat. You slid into place and tossed your towel to the floor as he turned to face you. "Not as good as you."

You needed to feel him against you again. It was the only pressing thing now, your missing backpack totally forgotten. Bradley leaned toward you and wrapped the seat belt around your bare torso, his fingers gently grazing your left side as he clicked it into place. Before he could remove his hand, you grabbed it with your left one. You reached up with your right hand, removed his sunglasses and tossed them onto the driver's seat, revealing a look of longing in his eyes. Then you let your fingertips trail along the scars on his cheek. His eyes closed for a few beats as you pushed your fingers up over his ear and into his hair. His eyes opened again, pleading with you as you played with his messy hair, your fingers moving to the back of his neck. 

You pulled him closer and closer until you pressed your lips against his. You should have been embarrassed by the broken sigh that escaped you, but his hands were both immediately on your waist, and you were gone. He drew little circles on your skin with his thumbs as he explored your lips gently with his mouth, his mustache tickling your upper lip in the most delicious way.

You kissed and nibbled on his lips, now using both hands to pull him in tighter to you. Your nose bumped his as you changed positions slightly, leaning up to feel the pressure of your chest against his. With a moan, he used his mouth to part your lips, and you could feel the tip of his tongue against yours. 

He tasted so good and so warm. Your fingers dipped into the collar of his shirt as you teased and tasted each other over and over. When his lips danced over your chin and along your jaw, you really dug your hands into his hair. You had to squeeze your legs together to stop from crying out as his mouth connected with your neck, nipping just below your ear. 

"Baby Girl," he whispered and you almost lost yourself completely. Then his phone rang loudly causing you to jump back an inch. 

You looked at each other, panting slightly as he checked who was calling.

He cleared his throat a few times before saying, "I think someone is calling back from your phone."

----------------------

I can't thank you enough for reading along!

Part 6

@hotch-meeeeeuppppp

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@blog-name6996

@bcon24

@wishfulwithwine

@backinwonderl4nd

@babybloomer

@monte-carlando

@tetragonia

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[thenovelartist]

Boys as Dads - Tears of Themis Headcanons

I've been sitting on this for days, writing it after @luke-appreciator mentioned the boys as dads and henceforth planting the idea in my mind.

Luke

LOOK! Luke is living past his three year “time limit” goshdarnit! He gets to see his kids grow up!

And he has several of them with his MC (I’m thinking four or five.)

They were all mostly planned. (They were just rolling with however many they were blessed with until they decided to stop.)

When his first child was born, he cried. He didn’t think he’d get this opportunity, but now he’s a dad and feels overwhelmed by the blessing.

He is as involved in his kids’ lives as he possibly can be.

He’s the dad that will teach his kids how to fix everything.

Totally the hands-on dad of wrestling and headlocks and ruffling their hair.

Yes, even his girls, but in a slightly different context. Uses those moments to teach them self-defense. (Yes, he’ll do that to his boys, but he’s more concerned about his girls.)

That said, he’s very protective of his kids and wants to give them all the knowledge he can to make sure they can keep themselves safe.

Will try to get his kids into Sherlock Holmes.

One of his kids is named John after John Watson. It was actually MC’s idea, much to Luke’s surprise and delight.

When he’s away on mission (which already makes him sad because he doesn’t like being away from his precious family), he hates it when he has to go full dark mode. Because he’d at least like to call them and tell them good night if he can’t be there.

The king of pictures.

There are cameras scattered throughout the house so he can easily steal a picture whenever he wants to.

Will put together scrapbooks upon scrapbooks of photographs for all kinds of events. The kids get in on these activities, and it has become a bit of a family event to arrange the pages together.

Not a day goes by he takes for granted. Does not matter if he’s cleaning up diapers or one of his kids is sick or he’s having to do damage control when something gets out of hand. He cherishes all of it.

Vyn

I see Vyn having one or two. Both were totally planned.

Mostly, he just sees children as patients, but now, he’s got two children he actually raises.

And the moment his first child is placed into his arms, he realizes with sickening clarity that his actions have a direct impact on their lives.

While he knew that beforehand, there was a moment it clicked, and Vyn felt himself change that day.

He strives to be the best father he can, minding everything he does to lead by example.

He didn’t have the greatest childhood, meaning he does everything he can to make sure his kids never have to experience the things he wished never happened to him.

He’s a bit of a helicopter parent despite knowing he needs to not be. All he wants to do is protect his kids, is that so wrong?

However, because of that, he happens to understand and sympathize with parents more now. His kids wrecked him in ways he didn’t think possible.

It’s a bit of a learning experience for him to allow his kids to learn on their own. He knows so much and wants to just tell them everything they need to know, but realizes that he can’t do that. He has to let them learn and grow in their own ways.

He wants to give his kids the best, from quality schooling to extracurricular activities. But he’s also is more than happy to teach them their way around the kitchen and garden as well as play games and do puzzles with them.

Also really enjoys reading them books at bedtime. A habit that will linger around for surprisingly long while.

He’s the dad that is glad to help with homework whenever they need it.

Always offers to listen to them and talk them through things. It would be pretty shameful if the psychiatrist couldn’t help guide his own kids through their own mental hurdles.

And he knows he did something right because his kids are comfortable talking with him about a lot of things, even in their teenage and young adult years.

Ends up the dad who has the best life advice that his kids eventually learn to always listen to even if they don’t appreciate it when they’re younger.

Artem

Ends up with a large family, both adopting and raising his own.

Probably two of their own, and two or three (or four… maybe five) adopted.

The kids they had were planned; the ones they adopted… not always. It tended to be a “this one grew on you unexpectedly” situation.

Loves all his kids equally, whether they’re his own or adopted.

Super supportive dad. Probably spoils his kids in praise and hugs.

That being said, he won’t coddle them. He’s all for supporting them, but knows when to allow his kids face the negative consequences of their actions. He’s an attorney, after all. This is his “justice” side showing.

But he’s fair. He will guide them the best he can but will let experience be the teacher if he needs to. And if experience is the cruel teacher of the day, he’ll be there, whether to pick them up, dust them off, and offer hugs or to talk them through how to best navigate the consequences and avoid the situation next time.

His schedule revolves around any and all events in his kids’ lives. Which, considering the size of his family, is a balancing act.

Days off are sacred. That is his time to spend with his family.

Nightly family dinners are a big thing in the Wing household. Game nights on weekends are even bigger. And louder.

He’s the dad that can go from tutus and tea parties to action figures and lego sets. Whatever his kids are up for, he’ll gladly participate.

Every year, for each kid’s birthday, will spend one-on-one time with them and do whatever they want to do for an entire day. With a big family, especially with the adopted ones, he knows it might be easy to feel lost in the crowd and doesn’t want any of his kids thinking that.

Once a year, they go on a week-long vacation somewhere in nature. No phones, no technology; this is family bonding time and time for kids to just run around and be kids.

All in all, grade A dad.

Marius

Ends up with two or three.

The first one was a surprise, and likely one more after that was not planned, either.

But the moment he holds his first child, a switch goes off in his mind and Marius matures, knowing he’s got not only his girl to protect and keep safe but now a helpless little one who’s wholly dependent upon him.

He’s probably the second most hover-y of the boys behind Vyn. And that’s less because he’s a helicopter parent and more because he knows he’s a target for people and is very concerned for his kids’ safety. So he’s hypervigilant of everything, including what school they go to, who they’re friends with, where they go, etc.

Their house… oh my…

He’s an artist, and he will inspire that in his kids. There’s paint, stickers, crayons, and markers freaking everywhere.

Oh, and art taped to practically every wall. And a few in his office.

Marks every major event down on a calendar. His assistant knows there will be hell to pay if there’s a scheduling mishap.

Never let him help with homework (unless it’s art). Because he’s the guy who will teach his kids the smartass answers to some questions, even if it gets his kids in trouble.

(Spoiler: his kids never mind and instead pick up his bad habits.)

(Much to MC’s chagrin. Will make Marius go sit in the corner, much to his children’s delight.)

Will put his kids into any extracurricular activities they want growing up.

Totally spoils them in that way.

But the minute they turn into little shits about their wealth? Say good bye to your technology for the next few days. Marius is all about spoiling his kids, but not rotten. Even he hates snotty rich people he has to deal with, and he’s not gonna let his kids be like that.

Loves spending time doing things with his kids. Up for anything from the midday ice creams when mom told them no to spontaneous adventures. Oh yeah, he’s that dad.

[yumeyooa]

revenge is brutally sweet | jeon jungkook

—jeon jungkook’s life so far has been going well. he’s the guitarist of the most famous band in the scene, he’s got the girl of his dreams, and everything he’s ever wished for is in the palm of his hands. what he doesn’t expect though, is to wake up one day in the middle of a controversy. what the controversy is, you may ask? a new band has been hitting the charts, and their lead singer is none other than you, a former member of the band and his ex-girlfriend.

➢  pairing: jeon jungkook x female! reader

➢ genre: angst | slight fluff | band au | slight highschool au | post breakup au | exes au | r 15 | guitarist! jungkook | vocalist! reader

➢ word count: 14.6k+

➢  warning: profanity | heavy drinking | toxic relationships | messy break-ups | self depriciation | bullying | messy closure | this is just very much super angsty

➢ love letter: AH SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG T_T I kinda drowned in midterms AHSHSHs but I hope you enjoy this fic <33 there’s more to this angsty collection to come so stay tuned!! 

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Life couldn’t be any better. 

This is what Jeon Jungkook constantly told himself every morning after his short, fifteen-minute shower while messily tousling his hair in an extra-soft towel as he takes in the dreary yet somehow vibrant view from his penthouse apartment, soaking in the sun’s rays. 

The city was busy, even though the sun had just risen and bloomed into full glory. The streets were filled with people rushing to get wherever they needed to be, cars driving past with the fervor of a shackled mad man on wheels. If Jungkook looked closer, he would have probably seen the black exhaust drifting in the air from the fumes of those ecologically damaging vehicles or the frantic looks on an office worker’s face as they hurriedly crossed the street obviously late for work. 

But alas, Jungkook couldn’t care less about the trials and tribulations of some strangers he didn’t even know. After all, his life was going great. In fact, he was literally walking on cloud nine at this point and felt like nothing had stopped him. 

Of course, it wasn’t always this way, which was why Jungkook appreciated his success tenfold. 

He, like every other success story, had started from the ground up. Music was something he had always dreamed of doing for the rest of his life. Ever since his grandfather had first shown him how to play the guitar, the melodies had wrapped their whimsical tunes around his heart and made themselves stay. It was fascinating to him how playing a couple of strings could produce such music that could move souls and bring smiles to people’s faces.

And ever since then, he was hooked. Every chance he got, he would play the guitar even if his parents tried to pry him off it. 

They wanted him to be a doctor after all, and there was no way in hell he was going to go by their wishes. While being a doctor was great, it didn’t ignite the same spark that music did, and for Jungkook, he would rather die than live a life without his flame running ablaze.

So, against his parent’s wishes, he pursued a career in music. It wasn’t easy, of course. At first, he had no support system for his dream. His friends and teachers ridiculed and discouraged him, saying that the future was bleak and he had no hopes of making it big. But if Jungkook knew anything about himself, it would most likely have to do with the fact that he was extremely stubborn and persistent, much to the disappointment of the adults in his life. 

So he continued. He continued reaching his dreams, joining every music-related activity he could at his age until he finally met Mr. Park.

Mr. Park was a bright man who came in one day as a replacement for their music teacher, who was an old lady who stuck to the classics and had a somewhat deceiving grading system. He came into class with disheveled hair, an unkempt tie, and when he turned around to write his name on the board, the whole class laughed as they could see his heart print underpants peeking through. 

But despite his clumsiness and seemingly carefree nature, Mr. Park was a master at his craft. He was the epitome of what a music teacher should be; exceptionally skilled, eloquent, and passionate about what he did. But Mr. Park had another talent that not many knew about, which was the eye for potential.

And Mr. Park saw potential in Jungkook.

He had taken Jungkook under his wing and taught him the ropes of music life. The keys of the piano, how notes were read, how symphonies were made. And the more Jungkook learned, the more he yearned for a life surrounding music. When he voiced his wishes to Mr. Park, expecting to receive the same rejection he had always known, he was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had his support.

Mr. Park was the very first person who saw that Jungkook could have a future in music. He was the very first person who showed Jungkook that there was a path for him to take that was far better than the path his parents laid out for him. A rocky path filled with trials and tribulations but ultimately reaped great rewards in the end. 

Like a moth drawn to its flame, Jungkook was attracted to the seemingly devastating path because somehow, amid the darkness, there was hope. Hope for a happier future, a future that wasn’t filled with regret and mourning but full of triumph and satisfaction. Jungkook would be a fool not to pursue the latter.

And thus, in hopes of finally seeing the light, Jungkook decided to start his own band. 

It didn’t start off right away, though. After all, no kid at his school wanted to be part of a band that, in the eyes of their parents, was a complete waste of time. Jungkook kept his small dream hidden deep within his heart, yet even so, it still burned with an unyielding passion. Even if years passed and no opportunity for him to start a band was in sight, Jungkook didn’t give up, knowing that his persistence would one day reap great rewards.

And finally, his chance came in the form of you. 

From the very beginning, Jungkook had always thought you were strange. In a prestigious school known for being the epitome of perfection and class, you were the odd one out, sticking out like a sore thumb with your disheveled appearance and undignified manner of carrying yourself. Almost immediately, you were set to be the outcast, ridiculed by your peers for your looks and mannerisms, even if, in Jungkook’s opinion, you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

Unfortunately, the world is never kind to those who are different. 

Jungkook’s phone rings from where it is laid on his bedside table, the alarm blaring loudly, causing a shift in the once serene atmosphere of his apartment. Jungkook pays it no mind at first, choosing to finish drying his hair before finally picking up the phone, voice groggy and slightly annoyed from having his peaceful morning interrupted.

“Who is it?” He hastily asks, not meaning to sound as harsh. But could he really be blamed when it was 7 AM in the morning, and he wasn’t expected to show up to any scheduled event until noon?

“Jungkook!” An exasperated voice exclaims from the other side of his phone. It was Namjoon, his manager, Jungkook, quickly concludes. Although it was rare for him to call so early in the morning, especially in such a panicked state. Perhaps he forgot to inform him of a schedule? Although that was annoying, Jungkook wouldn’t really mind. After all, work made money. But if that were the case, it would have been odd for Namjoon to be so panicked about it. The man was known for being reasonably level-headed even in times of extreme stress, so perhaps it was something else entirely. 

“Did you read the news?” Namjoon quickly adds before Jungkook could ask what was wrong. At his question, Jungkook’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, quickly sitting down on the side of his bed and grabbing his iPad from the same bedside desk, unplugging the charger along the way. 

“No,” he says as he types up the password into the Home Screen, laying his phone in between the juncture of his shoulder and ear. “Is there something I should be concerned about? I mean, it’s not like I got into a scandal or anything, right?”

Wrong.

Well, partly.

The moment Jungkook opens his Twitter, he’s surprised to see more notifications than usual. Of course, it was a given for him to have a ghastly amount of notifications as a celebrity. He did have a large fan base, after all. But the numbers on his screen far exceeded that of what he was used to, and amongst those notifications tagging his account, one article stood out amongst the rest, and the headline made his blood run cold.

“What the fuck?” He whispers, staring at the article in shock as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. “Am I seeing this right, Namjoon?”

The man on the other side of the phone is silent for a while before Jungkook hears a sigh. “Unfortunately, yes,” Namjoon says, and Jungkook can almost imagine the way he’s probably rubbing his temples together while sipping his cup of black coffee in his office out of stress and frustration

“(Y/N) is back,” he says, causing shivers to run down Jungkook’s spine. “And apparently Jungkook, she wrote a song about you.”

 The day Jungkook finally mustered up the courage to talk to you for the first time was an experience, to say the least. For what felt like years, albeit it was only a few days, Jungkook had been observing you from the sidelines, watching as you were berated by his classmates, who apparently had nothing better to do with their time. 

A part of Jungkook always felt guilty for never standing up for you. He knew you needed a friend. Someone to confide in this hellish school that made it seem as if it were every man for himself. But he was a coward, raised and molded to never take a step outside the boundaries he had set for himself, like a doll.

Although, with Mr. Park's influence, Jungkook could finally break free from his shell, even if it were just a mere few steps. 

"Here," he says nervously, handing you a carton of banana milk that he had picked up from the nearest vending machine the moment he saw you storm out of the classroom in tears. Even then, your classmates had laughed, mocking how sensitive you were, which disgusted Jungkook. Didn't they have any ounce of shame for making a person cry like that?

You look up from where you sat on the school's staircase, eyes puffy from crying so hard, a stream of tears still flowing down your face. You looked like an absolute mess, and the sight only caused Jungkook's heart to clench even more. He sat beside you, albeit a bit distanced because he couldn't help but feel awkward. This was your first conversation, after all. 

You stare at him, not entirely understanding why he would extend kindness towards you. Was this a trick of fate? Was he doing this so you would someday do his bidding in the future? The kids of this school were scary, even scarier than the monsters that hid underneath your bed or the creatures that roamed around in the dead of night. Even amidst the light, they scared you, and you were terrified that the man offering you some banana milk would be just the same. 

"You don't have to take it if you don't want to," Jungkook says, after realizing you were staring at him warily, cautious over whether or not you would accept his gift. "Sweets always cheered me up whenever I feel down, and I thought maybe it would cheer you up too!" 

If anyone were to see your interaction, they would have burst out laughing from how awkward it was. You who were wary and cautious, and Jungkook who was awkward and shy. A stark difference between your usual timid behavior and Jungkook's confident act. In fact, if anyone else were to see this, they would have never believed their eyes. 

It was odd, after all. And you knew this very well. Which was why you were so confused at Jungkook's behavior. Why was he approaching you so kindly when everyone else ridiculed and shunned you out? You were different, someone who didn't deserve to be there. An imposter, an intruder. It didn't make sense for him to act friendly. 

"Don't take this the wrong way," Jungkook continues, setting down the banana milk in the space between the two of you as he fiddled with his fingers, a habit he had picked up over time. "I'm not doing this to mock you or make fun of you later down the line… I just really don't like the way they're treating you. It's not right."

You're stunned. Rightfully so. This was the first time someone had ever gone against what others did to you, despite him doing so behind the scenes. A weird sensation bubbles up from inside you, one you can't quite place. But what you do know is that amidst it all, there's warmth. Jungkook's words sounded genuine and sincere, not like the usual condescending tone you were used to hearing from the rest of your peers. 

He genuinely seemed to care. 

Jungkook's eyes widen in surprise when he sees you grab the carton of banana milk, opening the straw in pushing it through, taking a sip. You sheepishly stare down, not even bothering to look Jungkook in the eye before muttering. "I prefer strawberry milk… but this isn't that bad... I guess… Thanks…" 

His eyes gleam, happy that you've accepted his offering and watching with a content smile as a small smile of your own forms on your lips, a far cry from the mess you were mere moments ago. He had somehow managed to cheer you up, and that was better than anything Jungkook could ever ask for. 

"No problem. Next time I'll buy you a whole box of strawberry milk!" He exclaims, excited for what was about to unfold between the two of you. 

But he would have never expected this. 

And on this week's celebrity news: Former Vocalist of The 97, (L/N) (Y/N) debuts solo with her new single 'Move On', which fans speculate is a direct message to her ex-boyfriend and former bandmate Jeon Jungkook. 

"Fuck!" Jungkook exclaims, overcome with emotion, as he watches the news unfold in the conference room of his label. He had quickly made his way over the moment he saw the headline, confused, devastated, and most of all angry. 

What in the world were you thinking, dragging him down like that?

"Jungkook, calm down," Namjoon says from the other side of the room, trying to prevent Jungkook from destroying the room. Jungkook was strong. And if he really wanted to, he could turn the whole conference room upside down in a blink of an eye, and Namjoon really didn't want to deal with whatever consequence would follow should Jungkook actually decide that he'd destroy the conference room. 

"How the fuck do you expect me to be calm, Namjoon?" Jungkook asks, exasperated as he walks from one end of the room to the other. "This is going to ruin my fucking reputation. And it's all because that bitch is too bitter about our breakup that she decided to fucking write a song about it."

"Hey." Another voice calls out, stern and ready to scold. Jaehyun, the band's bassist, glares at Jungkook with as much disdain as he could muster, not believing the words that came out of Jungkook's mouth. "No matter how you feel about the situation. I'm not going to stand by and let you call (Y/N) a bitch. She was and still is our friend. Just because you're so caught up in your perfect reputation doesn't mean you have to bring others down in the process, Jeon." 

It was rare for Jaehyun to ever call Jungkook by his last name. The two were as close as could be, having been the best of friends for more than ten years and counting. Jungkook knew he could trust Jaehyun with his life and vice versa, so it shocked him to hear that his best friend was defending her. 

"But Jungkook has every reason to be mad, Jaehyun!" Another voice pops up, this time a more feminine one that has Jungkook's heart-melting just a bit. Eunha, his current girlfriend, and the one who was there for him when you left him. She was the band's current vocalist, and Jungkook couldn't feel any more grateful to have someone as supportive as her in his life.

"She's using a personal situation to make her more popular, all the while bringing us down in the process! There's nothing else to call her but a bitch when she's hurting the band she started with! Is that how she says thank you when the band's been nothing but good to her?

It's incredible, Jungkook thinks to himself, how he was able to find someone like Eunha. She was the most compassionate and understanding person in the world, a far cry from what you had become. Bitter, selfish, and downright ungrateful. You probably wrote that song out of spite just to get back at him when he did nothing wrong in the first place. You were crazy, and he was glad Eunha allowed him to see through all of your lies. 

"Shut the fuck up, will you?" Jungkook's eyes darted in surprise to Yugyeom, the band's drummer, who had just cursed at his girlfriend. He glares at the drummer, mad at the fact that the usual happy-go-lucky man was now acting bitter in front of his girlfriend, who had done nothing wrong. Were his bandmates woven that deep within your cruel lies?

"Excuse me, what did you just say?" Eunha asks, appalled, tears forming from the corners of her eyes, which only causes the anger within Jungkook to grow. How dare they. How dare they make Eunha cry when she was doing nothing but telling the truth?

"You heard me, Eunha," Yugyeom continues, paying no mind to the burning rage that was about to burst within Jungkook. "I said shut the fuck up. So what if (Y/N) wrote a song about Jungkook? Why does it matter? She has every right to. I mean, our next single is literally a song Jungkook wrote after the breakup, so why the fuck are you berating her for doing the same?"

"Because she's hurting our reputation!" Eunha exclaims, clearly frustrated at how Yugyeom and Jaehyun weren't getting her point. "And besides, she was the one in the wrong during the breakup. What right does she have to make a song about it?"

Jaehyun scoffs, glare intensifying, causing Jungkook to clench his fist at their hostility. "And how do you know that when you only heard Jungkook's side of the story and not (Y/N) 's? For all we know, Jungkook could also be in the wro—"

Before Jaehyun could finish his sentence, Jungkook explodes, immediately rushing over to where Jaehyun sat and grabbing him by the collar, causing the rest of the band and Namjoon to panic, trying to break them apart, while Eunha watches, scared. 

"You motherfucker," Jungkook curses, hand raised into a fist, ready to punch Jaehyun in the face with all the force he could muster. But before he could do so, Namjoon and Yugyeom immediately held him back, causing Jaehyun to let out shaky breaths as he glared at Jungkook, hurt, confused, and angry. "Why are you defending her? She was the one who hurt me! You're supposed to be my fucking best friend!"

"Maybe if you actually listened to what she had to say and what she was going through, then we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place," Jaehyun screamed back, anger slowly growing as each moment passed by. "You've always been like this Jungkook, self-centered and fucking mean. (Y/N) was right for wanting to leave."

"What did you say, you fucki—"

"Enough!" Namjoon screams, holding his ground. This had gotten out of hand, and it was beginning to stress him out, and clearly, that same stress was spreading through every single person in the room. This wasn't even supposed to be that big of a deal. All they were supposed to do was listen to the song you wrote, and come up with a statement, So why the hell did this turn into a full-blown fight?

Gosh, Namjoon needed a raise. 

"Jeon Jungkook calm the fuck down, or I'll have you on probation, you hear? The same goes for all of you. I don't want to hear any bullshit about who's right or wrong in the relationship. All I need is for us to listen to the song and figure out what we're going to tell the higher-ups. So stop acting like you're a bunch of teenagers and sit down."

Usually, Namjoon wasn't this scary. But there was a glint in his eyes that taunted the band. And they knew that in the heat of the moment, the best thing to do was to shut up and listen. Besides, he was right. The way they were going, no progress would have been made, leading to further complications. With a huff, Jungkook sits down, staring grumpily into space. He wasn't comfortable with what had just occurred, a frenzy of emotions bottling up inside him from the outburst.

Luckily for him, Eunha was quick to hold his hand into hers, soothing him enough to calm his nerves and mentally prepare himself for what was about to unfold. Because he knew he wasn't going to like it.

And true to his words, the moment Namjoon pressed play, he didn't like it. Not one bit. 

Jungkook couldn't quite pin why your song made his blood boil and heart clench. From an outsider's perspective, it was a good song. A really good song. As a musician himself, Jungkook would never deny that. You had a knack for creating some really great tunes that were out of this world, after all. It was the very thing that made him ask you to start a band with him in the first place. 

But there was just something about this piece in particular that seemed different. Your very aura was different, Jungkook concluded as he watched the video, listening to the way you screamed about how good it was that he was able to move on while you haven't. How you laced memories and fragments of your relationship and expertly wove them together to create a masterpiece that echoed into the very depths of his beating heart. 

It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Because amidst the chaos, you looked free. 

There was something beautiful about the way you were in the middle of a room up in flames, almost to the point where Jungkook knew that it was metaphorical. You liked metaphors. Jungkook remembers how long ago, when the band was just the two of you, you mentioned how metaphors brought out the beauty of the world. They made the ordinary extraordinary. They made the dull come to life. Metaphors were beauty itself, and that's precisely why you loved to play with them so much. 

It's funny to see how that part of you hadn't changed, even after how many years. 

"Jungkook?" Eunha calls out to him, a concerned look gracing over her face. "You okay?" 

Honestly speaking, Jungkook didn't know. The high of his anger had finally settled, and all Jungkook felt was a burning numbness scouring through his veins. It's laughable how mere hours ago, Jungkook was sure that today would be another great day to celebrate how amazing his life was. Yet, here he is, in the middle of a conference room, watching as you submerged yourself underwater at the last scene of your music video, feeling empty. 

He doesn't directly answer Eunha, afraid that if he were to say anything, unwanted words would slip from his lips, and he would unleash another round of chaos and hell. And he was too mentally exhausted to go through that again. So he merely nods, clasping Eunha's hand gently and sighing as Namjoon pauses the video, turning towards the group. 

"Well," Namjoon says, surveying the room to see the band's reactions. But who was he kidding? He knew damn well that the band wasn't nearly overjoyed seeing and hearing what their old friend had to say, especially Jungkook. The poor kid looked lost. "That's that. It looks too vague to be considered a song catered to Jungkook, so I'll inform the higher-ups that it has nothing to do wi--"

Suddenly, Jungkook stands up, causing a deafening silence to befall once more as everyone watches him with cautious eyes, afraid of what he was about to do. 

"I'm going to get a drink," is all he says, moving to head out the door. No one really says anything in protest, Yugyeom and Jaehyun still feeling the aftermath of the previous fight. Only Eunha seemed to be visibly bothered, scoffing at the rest of the team's reactions before quickly latching on to Jungkook's arm. 

"Babe, it's still early in the morning. At least let me accompany you?" She asks, that hopeful glint burning brightly in her eyes, to the point that it makes Jaehyun recline back in his seat uncomfortably, not liking the way she seemed so unnatural. You were never like that. And while Jaehyun knew it was wrong to make comparisons, he couldn't help it. 

You were his best friend just as much as Jungkook was. 

"I'll go alone," is all Jungkook whispers, shrugging Eunha off who is about to protest, but Namjoon is quick to shut her up with a gentle hand on her shoulder, shaking his head when she tries to chase after him. Jungkook needed to settle down and sort his thoughts through if he ever wanted a chance at getting through this situation with you. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could finally make amends. 

“Do you have a dream?”

This was the question that started it all, Jungkook supposed. He remembers the very day you asked him that one decisive question that, looking back, changed both of your lives. For good or for worse, Jungkook wasn’t sure. But as he reminisces the memories of the past and tries to figure out where everything went wrong, he couldn’t help the gut-wrenching feeling that settles within him. It’s so upsetting, in fact, that the moment Jungkook arrives in the pub across the street, he immediately drowns himself in a bottle of soju. 

The two of you were spending the lunch break in the empty stairwell, the same place where the two of you first met and the same place where the two of you gradually started to hang out. It was a quiet space, free from the condescending eyes of the perfection-seeking kids you called classmates. It was a space where you and Jungkook could be free, even for just a little while. 

Sipping on his banana milk, Jungkook looks at you curiously. You were staring at the strawberry milk he had bought you, fiddling with it nervously, not even bothering to look him in the eye. He wonders what goes on through your mind, what thoughts dance around within its hollow crevices, shaking you up and causing you to become a nervous wreck. Especially when the question wasn’t as bad as you were probably thinking. 

“Hmm, do you want the honest answer or the answer everyone wants to hear?” He asks back, looking up at the ceiling. For an elite school, they didn’t do well to maintain the more hidden areas. Was that a sign that they really didn’t care about things that weren’t relevant to them? Maybe. Maybe not. Jungkook didn’t particularly care. It was just more bearable t stare at the ceiling than sit in awkward silence, 

“Honest,” you say after a few moments, much more confident than a few moments ago. After hanging out with you for a few months and observing you within the silence of your conversations, Jungkook somehow knows that no matter what he’d do, you would forever be shy. Regardless if you knew someone well or not, the first moments of conversation would always be parallel to a first meeting. It was a curious thing, honestly. But it was more intriguing once he realized that your confidence grew the more you spoke. 

In a way, it was kind of cute. 

“I wanna make music,” Jungkook says after snapping himself out of his trance. He once again averts his gaze from yours, but this time it wasn’t to avoid silence, but rather to think, to immerse himself in his thoughts. Because this was the first time, someone had asked him what he truly wanted to do with life. The first time someone wanted an honest answer from him, not a polished response set up to please his parents and peers. 

“Not the classical kind, though,” he continues, smiling softly to himself. “Not really fond of it as much as you think.” From the corner of his eyes, Jungkook can see you gaping at him in surprise, and it causes him to chuckle. You were never really expressive beyond the weary walls of the seemingly abandoned stairwell. To the rest of the student body, you were expressionless. Someone who took all the beatings and ridicules with a blank face. As if you were a doll, waiting to be ruined. 

But here, you were much more alive. Much more expressive than Jungkook was used to seeing. It was as if the (Y/N) beyond the worn steps of the stairwell was an entirely different person. A mask you placed upon yourself to protect your heart from the cruel reality you had come to face. And Jungkook was more than fascinated at the fact that you had brought that mask down for him. 

“If I could, I’d do rock, maybe even some metal If I got enough courage,” he continues, smiling to himself unknowingly giddy at the sight of you. “There’s just something different about it, you know? The music runs through your system and gets you all hyped up; you just can’t resist it. And when the beat drops, it’s as if your emotions are on an all-time high, and it weirdly makes you kind of free. It made me realize that this was what music was supposed to be, I guess.”

“Wow,” you mutter, after staying within the silence of your initial awe. “That’s... poetic.” Jungkook laughs at the look of disbelief in his face, shooting his empty carton of banana milk in the air and watching in satisfaction as it lands straight into the empty trash can just right down the corner before turning to you, a grin high on his lips. 

“Oh, come on,” he whines, rolling his eyes playfully. “Why do you sound so surprised? Do I not look like I’d be a good musician?”

“It’s not that!” You quickly exclaim in your defense, flailing your arms in the air to avert Jungkook’s thoughts about the situation. Unbeknownst to you, Jungkook was only joking, highly amused at your reactions, wanting to see more. “I just assumed you’d be more into sports, you know, since you’re so good at it? If you ask me, you kind of look like you’d do well in either football or basketball… so I just kind of assumed that was what you wanted to actually pursue. Not that wanting to pursue music is a bad thing! It’s great, it’s just that rock is kind of unexpected....” 

You were beginning to ramble at this point, the shy sheep from within you bursting forth as you fiddled with your thumbs nervously, anxious to see Jungkook’s reaction. Would he be mad at you for assuming things about him off the bat? Probably not, right? You did initiate the conversation by asking him what his dream was, after all. Wait, maybe this was your fault. Gosh, you should have just asked any other question that wasn’t as deep. 

This friendship thing was too difficult for your liking. 

As you bury yourself in your thoughts, Jungkook couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. It was small at first, almost going unheard by you who was so deeply consumed by the matters of your mind, but the more Jungkook laughed, the louder he got until he was full-on cackling, much to your dismay, confusion, and shock. 

“What’s so funny?” You ask frantically, trying to make sense of his actions. Did you say something wrong? As far as you knew, you hadn’t, but what if you had and accidentally crossed the line? You hoped not. You really didn’t want to screw any chance you had at having a real, genuine friend. But to your dismay, your questions remain unanswered as Jungkook continues to laugh, almost as if he wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. 

“Hey!” You exclaim, pouting. “Stop laughing at me, Jungkook!”

“I-i’m sorry,” He says after a few more laughs, trying to wipe the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. “I couldn’t help it,” He laughs again, although this time, it seems as if he’s calmed down, sporting a cheeky smile. “Your reactions are just something else!”

Jungkook watches as you become flustered, once more, much to his fascination and amusement. He’s never been the teasing type, or more like, he’s never had the opportunity to become the teasing type, especially with the perfect image he had to curate in front of his peers. But he liked this. He liked being friends with you. It made him all the more free. 

“What about you?” He suddenly asks after a while, feeling that it was high time to cut you some slack. You look up at him in confusion as if you had entirely forgotten why this entire conversation had happened in the first place. “Do you have a dream?”

It’s silent, yet this time, Jungkook notes, the silence is uncanny. It’s not the same comfortable silence that Jungkook is used to whenever he was hanging out with you. It was as if the silence had suddenly crashed down and enveloped the cheery atmosphere in its deceitful arms. A trap, if you will. 

And Jungkook was unsure whether he wanted to break free from it or stay there with you. 

But you take the first step, finally looking up to meet him in the eyes, and Jungkook can feel his heart sink just a tad bit from how empty and solemn they were. “I don’t think so,” is all you say, brushing off the concerned look on Jungkook’s face with a smile. “I’ve never really given it much thought. That’s why I asked,” you chuckle halfheartedly, staring up at the ceiling. “Although I think it would be nice,” you say, smiling a bit more genuinely. “You know, to have a dream?”

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to react to that, anyway? No matter how difficult his life was, he had always had a dream. It kept him going, made him push through no matter the difficulty. Dreams were the driving force of life. The hope amidst the darkness. To not have a dream, even just a small one, rattled Jungkook. 

It terrified him because now Jungkook realized that he knew nothing about you despite you being his first friend. He didn’t know the reason why you decided to become a living doll in the eyes of others. He didn’t understand why you subjected yourself to such suffering when, from the small talks you and Jungkook had with each other, you seemed to have a loving family. 

He wanted to help you, to be there for you. Because he wasn’t sure whether or not you were actually feeling lost. That’s what friends were for, right? Jungkook wasn’t exactly sure on how to do this whole friendship thing, but if there was one thing he did know, it was the fact that friends helped each other. 

And Jungkook would be damned if he couldn’t help you in any way that he could.

Soju bottles littered the lone table that Jungkook sat upon. At this point, he wasn’t sure how many bottles he had drunk, but it sure was many, more than he could handle if he were, to be honest, but amidst his drunken state, he just couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Why was he acting like this anyway? 

He was supposed to be happy. His band was one of the most successful ones out there. He had thousands, if not millions of fans, who supported him in everything he did. So why, just why was this insignificant matter affecting him so greatly?

Was it because it was you?

“Dear, are you alright?” The old woman, running the pub asks, concerned as she sets down a piping hot bowl of warm hangover soup, which has Jungkook’s mouth watering to the point where drool almost seeps out, mainly because he only had a bite of a sandwich on his way to the office which Eunha forcibly made him eat. But even so, he couldn’t bring himself to eat, especially with the array of emotions that were burning deep within him. “Do you need me to call someone for you?”

Jungkook stays silent, not even bothering to respond to the old lady, who only grows wearier at the lack of response. He didn’t mean to be rude. It was just that he couldn’t find the strength to actually do anything but wallow in his own misery. His thoughts were going on haywire, with no place to land in sight. 

What had he done to deserve this? He was sure he had done nothing wrong, so why were you doing this to him when all he had done was, be nothing but nice to you? He had supported you ever since the beginning, and this was how you repaid him?

He doesn’t notice how the old lady leaves to call someone from the company, despite him not saying anything. It was probably for the best anyway. He was too out of it to even ask for help. The old lady was right and kind for going out of her way to do this for him. Although it made sense, after all, this specific pub was where Jungkook had been drinking ever since he had reached adulthood. 

Maybe she would call Namjoon? It was likely, but Jungkook hoped not. He was sure that if Namjoon were to see his sorry state, he would scold him until his ears bled out. Although he couldn’t really blame Namjoon, if any manager were to see their client drinking away their woes like he was, they would probably freak out. Primarily since he was known for drinking at most two bottles. Jungkook just really didn’t want to deal with Namjoon right now, especially after what had transpired earlier. 

He hoped that she would call Eunha. Sweet, loveable Eunha, who was there for him when the shitshow that was his breakup with you went down. Even until now, Jungkook was still in the dark of why you had left him and the band, but Eunha was the one who stayed by his side. Ever since he had met her two years ago when she first entered the company, they had become the best of friends. And now she was his girlfriend, and he couldn’t be happier. 

All of a sudden, a familiar voice wafts through the empty pub. One that has Jungkook’s head whipping everywhere it could to figure out where it was coming from. It was sweet, melodic even. But at the same time, it had a hint of melancholy and freedom? Why was the voice so familiar? Where had he heard it before? 

Jungkook’s eyes darted around, trying to see if he could spot the culprit behind his dilemma until they finally landed on the wide TV that sat in the middle of the pub, presumably for their customer’s enjoyment. And lo and behold, in his eyes, he sees you. 

It was a local music show where famous stars would often find themselves performing to promote their new music. He assumed you were there to perform your new single, the one song that had him sitting here broken and destroyed with pride in your chest. Did you enjoy this?

Did you enjoy knowing that he was broken because of you?

He hated it. He hated how bright your smile was the moment he caught sight of the camera focusing on you as the hosts began their interview. You were brilliant, cheery, happy. And it sickened Jungkook to the core. Why did it seem like you were doing fine when he was here all bothered? How selfish could you possibly be? 

But as much as it hurts him, he can’t find it in himself to look away. It’s a strange sensation that Jungkook couldn’t quite explain. Why couldn’t he avert his eyes from you when all he’s been feeling today was pain? It didn’t make sense. But honestly, Jungkook couldn’t tell what made sense anymore. 

He watches you sing, hearing those blasted lyrics that made him rage just mere moments ago. Yet, this time, the lyrics made his heart clench. Perhaps it was the fact that your performance seemed more genuine because you were singing live. But why? Why were you singing those lyrics as if they had genuinely happened to you? Jungkook never caused you any pain, so why did it seem as if you were hurting more than him? 

The thoughts were too much. It was driving Jungkook crazy, and all he wanted to do was drown in them. He didn’t want to think. Thinking heightened the pain that brimmed deep within his chest. He just wanted to float in the ocean of his misery and stay there, hoping that someday he would land ashore and the pain would come to an end. 

Maybe if he took one more shot, it would help? 

He pours down the last remaining soju into his shot glass, not caring if it overflowed and spilled out on the table. Rationality was far out of his mind at this point. All Jungkook wanted to do was do anything that would make him feel numb. 

He raises the glass shakily, ready to feel the burning sensation of the alcohol run down his throat, that temporary relief that made him sink deep down into this endless cycle of emptiness. Yet, it doesn’t happen. 

A hand shoots down to stop his wrist. It’s a familiar yet unfamiliar hold, something Jungkook can’t quite place. Where has he felt this hold before? He looks up, his eyesight a bit blurry from his drunken state, so he squints, trying to see clearly. 

Who was it? Namjoon? Eunha? Heck, Jaehyun?

Turns out it was none of them. 

When his sight finally clears, he gasps in shock, breath hitching in his throat as he takes it all in. Because the person, whose hold was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, wasn’t his manager, nor was it his girlfriend or best friend. 

It was you. 

The person, the old lady, had called to get him was you. 

Well, Jungkook be damned. 

When you got the call from the old lady, you were on your way to your new studio after finishing up a schedule you had prior. The past few weeks have been busy for you. Leaving the band and Jungkook was no easy feat. It was a decision that you knew was a high-risk, high reward yet at the same time had higher chances of failure. 

After all, even if you hated to admit it. Without the band, you had nothing. 

Sure, there was the fame that came with all of the band’s success. You were the vocalist, after all. It was exhilarating knowing that millions out there would be listening to your voice, singing music you created with people you loved dearly. But in the midst of all of that, there was nothing. 

Jungkook, Jaehyun, and Yugyeom had everything going on for them. A backup plan in case the band didn’t succeed. A plan B, if you will. It made sense. They had privilege dripping from the palms of their hand, after all. Even if they had their own troubles and doubts, they didn’t have to worry about finding another way out because there already was a path laid out for them in the beginning. 

You went into all of this, risking everything. 

It was a choice that you had seemingly made on impulse if an outsider were to look back at the situation. When Jungkook had asked you to start a band with him, it was during another one of your many lunch dates, as you two had jokingly called it. Only this time, the two of you weren’t sitting on the cold and empty stairwell, but instead, you were in the old music room. 

“I can’t believe this,” Jungkook mumbles to himself as he cranks the rusted door of the old music room open. People barely used it nowadays, much to his disbelief yet relief at the same time. He couldn’t blame them though, the brand new music room was much more enchanting, filled with top-of-the-grade musical instruments than anyone would drool over. 

Well, at least it meant that he could have autonomy over the room (even though that wasn’t really the case). “You’re telling me that you never heard rock or metal before?” He gapes in disbelief as he sits on one of the dusty desks, looking at you with an outraged expression. You sheepishly enter behind him, taking a sip of your drink as you took a seat beside him. 

“You never asked,” is all you say, shrugging. Jungkook looks at you once more incredulously, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. “That’s because I assumed you would have known what rock and metal are! They’re like the greatest music genres of all time. How can you not know it?”

You shrug once more, not really having an answer. Well, you did, but it was probably stupid. After all, if this was his reaction to you not knowing about rock and metal. What would his response be if he were to find out that the only music you’d ever listened to was classical and nursery rhymes? Yeah, probably not a good idea. 

“Well, get ready then,” he exclaims, bringing out his phone, much to your surprise. Model student and Mr. Perfect Jeon Jungkook breaking a school rule? Who would have thought that you’d ever lived to see the day? “Because you’re about to experience an awakening, I tell you. A revolution!”

It’s amusing, really. You had never seen Jungkook as passionate as he was at the moment. Was this what it was like to have a dream? His eyes lit up as if sparkles were floating around him. As if he were about to step on cloud nine and enter paradise. He was bouncing his leg lightly in excitement, a goofy smile on his face that kind of reminded you of a bunny. 

Maybe having a dream wouldn’t be so bad, after all. 

He immediately scoots over to you once he has his phone ready, grabbing his earphones and plugging it into his phone, handing you the other ear. You hold it, a small smile on your face, and hook it unto your ear, not really knowing what to expect but excited all the same. After all, this was the music that made your best friend passionate and hopeful for the future. For sure, it wouldn’t be bad, right? 

Well, to say the least, it was an experience. An experience you couldn’t quite tell if you enjoyed or couldn’t fathom. It was entirely different from the music that you were used to. From the bright and soothing tones came ones that were heavy and thundered on your ears. Yet, in a way, it was exhilarating. 

You could see why Jungkook was attracted to this style of music. In a way, it was unhinged, a little more rebellious than the traditional types of music you were used to. But that didn’t mean it was worse. In fact, that’s what made it more exciting. Jungkook was right. In those few minutes that he had introduced you to the world of rock, you’ve gone through an array of emotions, from confusion to thrill and excitement of the highest level. The rollercoaster of new sensations was, to say the least, intoxicating, 

Because immediately you got hooked. 

“Wow,” you mutter, looking up at Jungkook, who was looking back at you with lively eyes. “That was… something else.” 

“Right?!” He exclaims, immediately jumping off the desk to grasp your hands in excitement; it was endearing to see. Jungkook rarely got riled up like this. Music truly brought out the best in him, you thought to yourself, watching as he continued to dangle your hands in his. “Isn’t rock just amazing? Oh, what I’d do to pick up an electric guitar and play,” He sighs, and you can tell from the far-away look on his face that he’s daydreaming about something and the sight warms your heart. 

“You should,” is all you say, startling Jungkook out of his trance. “I think you’d do absolutely great in music, Jungkook! You should go for it.” Jungkook looks at you, stunned. He blinks, trying to process what you had just said, before clasping your fingers a bit tighter, unsure of himself. 

“Really?” He mutters softly, “You really think I can do it?”

“Of course,” you encourage with a bright smile. “If it’s you, then you can do anything!”

It’s silent for a moment, with Jungkook deep in thought. But you don’t necessarily mind, as more than anything, you understood the weight of your words. Being Jungkook’s friend meant that you stuck by him through a lot of undesirable moments, moments that both of you promised to never speak of unless it was absolutely necessary. 

You knew how much he longed for his dreams. Ever since that rather inspiring conversation you had around a week ago, you knew just how much Jungkook bottled up his true passions and desires, even though there were moments wherein he would freely let them out. 

“Then you have to be there with me,” he says, eyes filled with determination. “I don’t think I can do this without you (Y/N).”

Looking back at it, you chuckle at how swooned you were with Jungkook’s words. It was crazy to think that he had swept you off your feet with a mere ten words that ultimately decided the course of a good chunk of your life. You let him, and for that, you were to blame, But that didn’t necessarily mean that you regretted your decision in its entirety. 

Suddenly, your phone rings from beside you, and you grab it from where it lay in your purse, only to see an old number that you hadn’t seen in a while. It’s been a year, you think, as you accept the call, pressing your phone to your ear. “Hello?”

“(Y/N) dear! It’s been such a long time!” You smile at the cheery sound present within the old lady’s voice, although you can’t deny that you hear a twinge of worry within it. You used to go to her pub every so often back when you were still in the band. And the old lady had been such a sweet soul, acting as some sort of parental figure to you and your bandmates through the years. 

“It’s good to hear from you again,” you mutter, pleasantly surprised at her sudden call but also a bit suspicious because you had no idea what she was calling for. “May I ask why you’re calling me?”

“Ah!” The old lady exclaims, and suddenly the initial chirp present within her fades into a frantic tone that has your eyebrows furrowing in confusion, not sure what to expect. “Do you mind picking up your boyfriend?”

You blink, confused and startled. “I’m sorry,” you say, still not processing it clearly. “What was that?”

You hear a sigh from the other side of the phone. It sounds tiring, exasperated even, Which shouldn’t be the case since the pub usually opens up later at night. It was only open during the day for company employees. And what sane person would cause trouble with this much sunlight out? 

“Your boyfriend dear,” the old lady continues, sounding absolutely done, yet at the same time, the concern was still there, and you swear you hear the sound of glass falling in the back, causing your eyebrows to furrow in worry. “He’s been drinking for hours, and this is more than he’s ever drunk!”

You stay silent, letting it all sink in. The only person she could have possibly been referring to was Jungkook. There was no doubt about that. After all, the old lady’s pub was where you and Jungkook would often find yourselves having late-night rendezvous, drinking the night away as you bonded over whatever life was throwing at you within those moments. 

But now, the pub gave you nothing but pain. 

“Grandma, I’m sorry to tell you this, but me and Jungkook aren’t—”

“—So you’ll come, yes? Thank you, dear! Truly a lifesaver!” 

She hangs up. You stare at your phone in disbelief, shocked at the predicament you had unknowingly gotten yourself into. What were you supposed to do now? The responsible thing to do was to probably phone Namjoon and tell him about the situation. But with what had just transpired earlier today with the release of your single last night and your performance this morning, you’re not so sure he would appreciate any sort of contact from you. 

With a sigh, you turn to head towards the pub. No matter how much you hated Jungkook for the way he treated you within the last few stages of your relationship, you couldn’t leave him alone to wallow in his misery (even though there was a part of you that was secretly glad that he was torn because of you). It would be too cruel of you. Especially considering that Jungkook had been a significant part of your life. 

Huh, guess you haven’t moved on as much as you thought you had. 

Even just reaching the pub brought back memories that you wish wouldn’t resurface. You and Jungkook used to wrestle over who would open the door for the other, and more often than not, Jungkook won. But you weren’t one to lose quickly, even to him. 

The familiar jingle that came with opening the door brought a pang of nostalgia to your heart. When you and Jungkook would enter the pub, just ten seconds after the jingle faded away, the old lady would come out of her quaint kitchen and say

“Welcome home— Oh, there you are, dear!”

Not exactly how you remembered it, but it was still familiar all the same. 

“Hello grandma, how are you?” You greet with a solemn smile, watching with fond eyes as the old lady comes up to clasp your hands within her own. “Oh dear, I haven’t seen you in forever. Why haven’t you visited in so long?” 

You’re not sure what to say. How are you supposed to tell her that you left and broke up with the man she asked you to pick up? That would put her in an awkward position, and you didn’t want to cause stress for the already weary lady. 

“Oh, never mind that,” she says, luckily dropping the subject. “Come in, come in, your boyfriend’s over there drinking in the corner. Did something happen? I’ve honestly never seen him drink this much before. At this rate, he’s going to finish my soju supply before I open up for the night!” 

You enter the main area, and immediately you’re hit with the familiar, comforting scent of alcohol and home-cooked meals, as odd as it sounds. Although the smell of alcohol was by far heavier in the air, and as you turn to look for the source, your eyes land in Jungkook.

And you’re, for lack of a better word, shocked.

It was almost as if he was drowning in an ocean of soju bottles, with some of the alcohol dripping off the table and into the ground or his clothes. Partly because he was pouring himself another shot, which you know he can’t take.

He could barely handle two bottles when the two of you were dating, so why did it feel like he was drinking more than ten. If he wasn’t stopped now, something majorly damaging could happen to him, and as much as you never wanted to speak to him, you couldn’t just ignore him when he was literally on the brink of life and death.

You stomp on over to where he’s at, hastily quickening your steps as he’s about to down his last shot, and before you can even think about what to do, your instincts act on their own, and your hand reaches out to him, stopping him.

No words are spoken. Rather, you can’t find the words to say as you watch with solemn eyes as Jungkook looks at his hand confused. He tries to shake it, to move his arm so he can bring the shot glass to his lips, but you remain firm in your grip, clasping just a bit harder so he wouldn’t push through with the shot. 

He looks around, following the trail left by your grasp until he meets your eyes, and already you can feel the whirlwind of emotions bubbling up inside you. This was the first time you and Jungkook have met after the breakup after leaving the band. You never expected the two of you to meet this way. Although, you supposed life was funny like that. It liked to throw unexpected situations in your face, especially in the most inappropriate times.

You watch as he squints, trying to make sense of who you were before he gasps, arm slacking, falling into the side as the alcohol from the shot glass splatters into the air. He squints once more as if trying to ensure that what he was seeing in front of him was real before stammering. 

“(Y/N)?” He whispers, broken, voice breaking. You try not to let your emotions show, knowing that if you do, he’d only lure you back into him, which was something you did not want at all. You were done. After many months, heck years of being torn apart by him, you couldn’t afford any more pain. It would break you even more than it already did, 

“Hey,” you whisper back, breath hitching as you watch the way Jungkook’s eyes widen at the sound of your voice, loud and clear for him to hear. Even with his drunken state, he can’t deny the pang of nostalgia that runs through his veins once he finally registers that it’s you standing before him. In the flesh. Not a vision on TV or a picture of you from his memories. 

It was you. 

“What are you doing here?” He slurs, trying to reach out to you, but you move away, refusing him any form of affection. Because you two were too far gone for that. 

“Grandma called,” is all you say, the disappointed look in Jungkook’s eyes not going unnoticed. “Asked me to pick you up. Said you’ve been drinking more than you used to and… I can see that.”

You gesture to the empty soju bottles that littered the table with a grimace, turning back to Jungkook only to hear him scoff and point a finger to you accusingly, although with his drunken state, his posture was way off. “Who do you think’s to blame?” He asks, sarcasm laced within his tone. You raise an eyebrow at that, choosing to let him continue before you could offer back any sarcastic remark of your own. 

“It’s you!” He continues, slamming his fist to the table, much to your surprise. “You and your stupid fucking song…. I mean, what the fuck is up that?”

“What the fuck is up with what, Jungkook?” You quip back, eyeing his fist cautiously in the case he would do something dangerous that would either injure him, you, or if worse comes to worst, both. 

“Don’t play dumb with me,” He continues, and Jungkook can feel the irritation, frustration, and fatigue build within him now that he’s finally gotten a chance to let all these raging emotions out. “You know what you did! Why’d you do it, huh?” His voice grows louder, causing you to flinch as you move your chair back just a bit. 

“Why’d you have to ruin my fucking reputation?” 

All of a sudden, it’s like something in you snaps. 

You can’t believe it. You can’t believe the audacity Jungkook had to say something as outrageous and stupid as what he just said. The emotions that were already burning up within you finally exploded as you stared at him with all the anger and disbelief you could muster. 

And here you thought he was drinking because he had finally realized all the wrongs he had done to you. What a fool you were. 

“Excuse me?” You say, exasperated. “What did you just fucking say?”

“I said what I said (Y/N),” Jungkook continued, not noticing the way rage was about to take you into its waiting arms, only to allow you to explode upon him with all the pent-up hurt that you’ve accumulated inside you. “You and your fucking song ruined the band any my reputation. Is this how you repay me after everything I’ve done for you?”

You blink. The words slowly make their way towards you as you try to process them, letting out a chuckle at how ridiculous his words were. “Are you being serious right now?” You say, scoffing at how there wasn’t an inch of regret on Jungkook’s face. “You’ve got to be joking, right?”

You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. You want to give him a chance to prove your ears, mind, and heart wrong. That he wasn’t actually thinking those absurd thoughts that had your gut-wrenching and your heartbreaking after already being broken. This couldn’t be the Jungkook that you knew, right? He wouldn’t be this cruel, right? 

“Do I look like I’m joking?” 

“You piece of shit.” You spat without even realizing it, surprising Jungkook. He’s sobered up just a little from your outburst, looking at you like a deer caught in headlights. For a moment, you regret speaking without any thought. But the more you try to rationalize it, the more the anger burns. This was unacceptable. 

“Reputation?” You scoff, looking at him incredulously. “You’re fucking worried about your reputation when there are bigger issues to be addressed here?” 

“(Y/N) I—”

“Shut up, Jungkook,” you say, cutting him off coldly. “You don’t get a say in this when all you’re worried about is your reputation over a broken relationship with someone you’ve grown up with for the past thirteen years!” 

Wide-eyed, Jungkook gapes at you, and you, in your disgruntled state, take this chance to get back at him, unleashing all the feelings you’ve buried deep inside you. 

“You dare ask me why I’m treating you this way when you’ve been nothing but nice to me?” You mock, his words hurting more than they should. “Do you even bother to ask yourself as to why I broke up with you in the first place, Jungkook? Why I left? Did you even bother to listen to my song?” 

His silence echoes throughout the pub, further shattering any lingering hope that you had about the situation. “No,” he says after a while, firm in his belief as he stared back at you, although his gaze seemed as if it could easily water away. “Didn’t think it was necessary; after all I did nothing wro—”

“—You treated me like shit for the last two years of our relationship, Jungkook. That’s what you did wrong.” You exclaim, not wanting to hear his excuses. “Are you really this blind to not know? To not see your own faults?”

How could he? You think to yourself, the unbearable pain of this revelation thrumming through every fibre of your being. It was painful. Painful to hear that he hadn’t even thought about the situation through your lens. He was too absorbed with what he had going for himself that he failed to see the world through your eyes, and it frustrated you to no end.

Because that breakup broke you like no other. 

Choosing to leave wasn’t an easy decision, by no means. You had risked everything to help support Jungkook in hopes that you would find a dream of your own. You joined the band, knowing that you would put your family’s safety and security at risk instead of pursuing a more stable career like starting a business or becoming a doctor.

You became selfish to follow Jungkook, so of course, you were attached. 

Jungkook, in a sense, was your world. You suppose, looking back at it now, that wasn’t the healthiest decision you took for yourself. But at that time, you could not help yourself. He was your first friend, your first love, your first everything. Jungkook showed you the ways of the world and then shattered it without a care. Of course, more than any other breakup, it would tear you apart.

Because to be honest, loving Jungkook made you happy. You remember when he first asked you out. Probably one of the best moments of your entire life. It happened after your band’s first major gig to open up the local summer festival. The two of you were still calming down from the high of the performance, excited, thrilled to have finally been given the opportunity in front of a bigger crowd. It felt surreal seeing the fascinated faces and happy smiles as they listen to your music.

Jungkook was right. This feeling was incredible.

“Holy shit. That was amazing,” Jaehyun laughs, hugging Yugyeom before turning to hug you and Jungkook. “I can’t believe we just did that!” 

“Do you think they liked us?” Yugyeom, ever the timid one asks. “I felt like I made a mistake somewhere along the second cho—“

“—Who cares, man?” Jungkook says, cutting Yugyeom off with a playful slap to the back. “We just fucking performed our first major gig. This isn’t time to be wallowing down on our mistakes. This is a time to celebrate!” 

You and Jaehyun hollered in agreement, following Jungkook as he dragged Yugyeom backstage where the four of you packed up, took a few commemorative pictures, and made your way towards the nearest convenience store to celebrate the night with some good old ramen, ice cream, and whatever your hearts desired.

It was a fun night, one filled with laughter as the four of you joked about whatever your mind could think of. Jungkook boasted about how he was right about their band getting somewhere, of how Jaehyun and Yugyeom, who were much more hesitant in joining the band, and after months of no progress, we’re beginning to regret it, had nothing to worry about. 

Jaehyun and Yugyeom even mustered up the courage to do a speed eating challenge, grabbing about her round of hot piping ramen and racing to see who could eat it the fastest, despite the heat burning their tongues both literally and figuratively.

It was a night where for once, the four of you didn’t have to worry about life outside of the band. Didn’t have to worry about the social pressure from school or home, Didn’t have to worry about stupid tests or becoming the best, for once the four of you could just be yourselves. Unapologetic and free.

When Jaehyun and Yugyeom decided to pack it up and head home, saying that if they didn’t arrive before their dreaded curfew, then their parents would literally send them to the pits of hell, you didn’t notice the way Jungkook grew silent. Maybe you did, but you were too preoccupied with the nauseated looks on Jaehyun and Yugyeom’s faces as they headed towards the public restroom to flush out the ramen in their system. 

“Hey (Y/N)?” Jungkook asks once Jaehyun and Yugyeom are nowhere to be seen. You hum in response, turning to look back at him, and immediately your eyes become overwhelmed with worry at the serious look on his face as he gazes up at the night sky, seemingly nervous and scared.

“Will you go out with me?”

It’s unexpected, a bomb to your heart if you could call it. You gasp the moment the words flow out of his mouth, staring at Jungkook in shock. Did he really just ask you out? 

You think it’s a joke. A cruel trick of nature. But by the way, Jungkook nervously fidgets from where he sits, and his eyes nervously dart around. Like they usually do during nerve-wracking situations like these, you knew in your heart that his words were true.

And you couldn’t be more overjoyed because you had fallen for Jeon Jungkook too. 

Throughout your many years of friendship, you had gotten to know Jungkook inside out. You were there when he threw a mini tantrum over missing first place in the final exam by one point, knowing that his parents would be disappointed in him. You were there when the two of you went out to buy his first-ever electric guitar after months of saving up money secretly. You were there for him when he was convincing Jaehyun and Yugyeom to join the band, even when he was about to get into a fight with Jaehyun over the matter.

And like clockwork, you had fallen.

It wasn’t particularly hard to do so. Jungkook had this certain charm to him, after all. He was an enigma. He could draw people into his rhythm like it was nothing and have them follow to the beat of his own drum. Sometimes you wondered if there was a hidden secret with the way he could so easily attract people, but the more you hung out, the more you realized that wasn’t the case at all. He was genuine in everything he did.

“Yes,” you say without hesitation, causing Jungkook to whip his head to face you in the blink of an eye, mouth slacking in shock. He blinks, you smile, and suddenly a smile of his own is forming on his face, reaching all the way into his eyes. 

“For real?” He whispers, not wanting this moment to slip away from his grasp. He was so close to having you in his arms, something he’s wanted for the longest time, that he was afraid that if he spoke any louder, he would ruin any chance he got. But your reassuring gaze and gentle hold immediately calm the raging wave of anxiety within him. “For real,” you affirm, and suddenly you’re in Jungkook’s embrace. 

It’s a warm embrace, one that has you returning it back with the same vigor, the same excitement bubbling in your chest. This marked the beginning of a new chapter for you and Jungkook, one where the two of you would walk down the unclear path you have chosen, still remaining by each other’s side, but this time, with hands intertwined.

You just wished it didn’t go up into flames like this.

You blink, snapping out of your trance as you gaze at Jungkook. Once more, seeing the way his lips were pursed into a thin line, his brows furrowed as if he had a lot going on through his mind. Which was only fitting. He had to, or else this wave of hurt and pain would only intensify and turn into something you would never be able to control. 

Remembering the happy moments was something you had promised yourself not to do, for it only brought you into another world of pain after looking at how the two of you were faring now. But in the midst of agony staring right at you, you couldn’t help but let yourself reminisce in hopes of relieving some of that anger and hurt so you wouldn’t do anything out of hand. 

“Tell me, Jungkook,” you finally say after a moment of silence, and you want to curse yourself for the way your voice cracks at the end. You had to be strong. You had to get through this. Because there was no way, you were going to let Jungkook ruin you once more. “How do you think our relationship was going within the last two years?”

Silence befalls the room for what feels like the millionth time, But this one is heavier than the last. Jungkook looks at you with such a severe gaze that you almost falter, forgetting the fact that he’s drunk with the way his eyes bore into yours. 

You dread his answer, not knowing what to expect. With the way, he was acting, and with all the things he’s said and done, you knew that his words would only hurt you even more from here on out. You clutch the fanfic of your sweater tightly, hanging on by a thread. 

But he says nothing.

The heavy silence lasts longer, and the more it persists, the more disappointment and disbelief creep into the cracked crevices of your already broken heart. Was he really going to act this way? Saying nothing at all? Did your relationship mean nothing to him in the past 2 years? 

“Unbelievable,” you mutter, letting out a scoff as your eyes scan his figure. He’s hunched up as if unsure of what to do, what to think, or what to say. There’s probably a flurry of emotions running through his mind, but you don’t pity him. You hope it continues to weigh heavy, as it did to you for the last three years. 

“I was miserable, Jungkook,” you whisper, recounting the memories you had buried deep within, afraid to open them up again at the cost of your already fragile happiness. But to be truly happy, one needs to let go of all the agony locked within. “Ever since Eunha came into our lives, you started treating me like a side character, as if I wasn’t your girlfriend.”

“And no,” you say sternly, already knowing what Jungkook was to say by the way his eyes widened and his mouth slacked, an arm up in protest for your words. “I’m not blaming Eunha entirely, contrary to what you may think. Sure, her arrival started it all. Sure, there were times where she acted so out of line that I wanted to slap her in the face n’s remind her who exactly she was talking to. But I couldn’t. Do you know why, Jungkook?” 

His eyebrows furrow in confusion, and you take a deep breath as you gather your thoughts. This was the first time you were finally going to let out all of your frustrations that’s been building up inside you for the past few years. It was a nerve-wracking feat, but a necessary one nonetheless, as even in those few moments of speaking, you were starting to feel just a bit more free. 

“Because I didn’t even know who I was anymore.”

Jungkook’s never been this confused in his life. 

It’s as if you had dropped a bomb on him without warning, causing him to be in a frenzy. What did you mean? How could you blame Eunha? Eunha was a sweet girl who could do no wrong. She was there for him whenever he needed that extra support, whenever he needed someone to ground him in this cruel, unforgiving world. 

She was there when you weren’t and was a constant in his life. How could such a sweet girl like her be the catalyst of this catastrophic situation? It had to be a joke.

“You’re lying,” he mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. The pain in his heart was coming back again, and just when he thought he had finally gotten rid of that after drowning in alcohol moments ago. This was your fault. You and your stupid song, your stupid lies. You were driving me crazy.

“I’m lying?” You ask, and Jungkook looks up to meet your eyes, feeling another burst of pain shoot through him at the agonizing expression on your face. Why did you look so hurt? He did nothing wrong. He didn’t hurt you. He couldn’t have. He had always been there for you. He was the reason you could do what you could in the first place. There was just no way that misery was because of him.

“Jungkook, did you even realize that with how much time you were spending with Eunha, you weren’t spending time with me anymore? Remember how you used to walk me home at midnight after your time at the studio and my radio show? You stopped doing that ever since she appeared.”

Lies.

“For days, I stood outside the company for hours, waiting for you to bring me home because you promised that you’d never miss it for the world. And on the day that I finally decided to check up on you, worried that you might have been overworking yourself? I see you in the studio, laughing with Eunha.”

 Jungkook wanted to scream. He was stressed. He had to make music. Why couldn’t you understand that? 

“And when I confronted you about it? You shrugged me off, saying I was overly dramatic.”

You are. Jungkook insists in his head, thoughts spiraling. What’s wrong with him not bringing you home. Even if he was your boyfriend, he was not obligated to, right? You were supposed to understand him, right? That’s what lovers are supposed to do.

“I thought to myself, maybe you were right. Maybe I was overdramatic, so I did what you asked and shrugged me off. Yet, with each passing day, it felt like I was a stranger in your eyes. Do you even realize Jungkook that ever since Eunha came into our lives, we’ve only been on three dates?” 

You’re too demanding, his mind screams. Three dates? That was plenty for successful stars of your caliber. You had to understand that being under the limelight meant that he couldn’t reserve all the time in the world for you. 

His heart clenches painfully again, and Jungkook feels a sob hitch in his throat. 

“It hurt.” You cry, letting out the words that Jungkook wanted to say. “It hurt so much watching the love of my life and my best friend toss me to the side. Where was the you that promised that you’d always be there for me? Where was the you that promised to stay?” 

You’re crying now, tears streaming down your face as the words you’ve kept hidden for the longest time finally make their way out of your system. Every part of you was screaming in agony and pain, and you can feel the mended parts of your patched-up heart slowly break again. 

“Jungkook, I loved you. I loved you so much that I risked it all for you. I joined the band even though I wasn’t sure of our future because I saw how happy you were. You showed me what happiness could be, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that, but at the same time, you showed me firsthand real pain and heartbreak. And I don’t think I can ever forgive you for doing that.” 

No. Why? You had to forgive him. You were his best friend. Stop. Stop speaking. Stop it. 

“I left because I wanted to keep what we still had within our memories.” You whisper, remembering the night you finally came to your decision. Remembering all the times you cried and broke down, not knowing what to do or where you should go. All the times where you forced yourself to put on a smile on your face and act as if everything was fine even though it wasn’t. 

“And I hoped that in leaving, we could pick up all the broken pieces and create something new with them. Maybe it would not have been a relationship as strong as the one we’ve had before. But at least it was something. And at least I would have still had a connection to you.”

You’re calm now, in a much better headspace than before. But that didn’t mean the ocean of despair that you surrounded yourself in dwindled in the slightest. It was still there, waiting in silence for the moment it could envelop you once more into its treacherous arms and drown you in its suffocating whispers. 

“But what the fuck is this?” 

You can feel the tides begin to sway, and you will yourself desperately to keep them down. With how the situation was unfolding, you needed to be the bigger person. For your sanity, For Jungkook’s, and for the closure that you both needed, which you weren’t sure would ever peacefully come to an end. 

“I never thought that you’d think of us like this Jungkook,” you whisper, and much to your horror, a tear slipped from the crevices of eyes as you hurriedly wiped them, standing up to grab your purse as you stood to leave the pub, not caring one bit if Jungkook got home safely or not, you were too overwhelmed to care. 

“I thought you loved me,” You whisper as you turn to look at him one final time, and all of a sudden, Jungkook is hit with wave after wave of sadness, anger, pain, frustration radiating from you. It suffocates him, and the only thought running through his head were questions of him hurting you? Was this really all his fault? 

“But I guess you only loved yourself.” A chuckle falls from your lips as you make your first step out of the door. Not paying mind to the old lady who looks at you with a worried gaze, you turn to open the door of the pub, only for someone else to beat you to it. 

Lo and Behold, It’s Eunha. 

“You,” She gasps as she takes in your disheveled and exhausted state. Although that immediate shock quickly disappears as she catches Jungkook’s equally petrified state from the corner of her eye. She then glares at you, but you honestly can’t find the energy within you to care.

Because this was never about her in the first place, even if in some way she plays a small part. 

“What did you do?” Eunha spats as she rushes past you to go to Jungkook, not even bothering to hear you out. You sigh, gathering the last remaining buts of courage within clenched fists, and make your way out of the door, leaving Jungkook, your broken heart, and the memories you two shared behind for good. 

Not caring what he would do with those fragments in the end. 

“Jungkook!”

Eunha exclaims, immediately hooking her arms around him and hoisting him up into an embrace. “What happened? What did that bitch do?” But Jungkook doesn’t answer, thoroughly overwhelmed by the range of emotions that had just surpassed him from his conversation with you. 

Was it truly his fault? Was he the reason why things had turned out this way? There was no way right. He had treated you right, right? 

Jungkook tries to convince himself that he’s done nothing wrong, that he was perfectly innocent in this situation. But that nagging feeling deep within his mind and soul screams at him to finally realize the truth. He’s scared. He doesn’t want to know what lies beyond the bubble of happiness he had placed himself in. He doesn’t want to feel the agonizing pain he’s put himself through without realizing it. 

But not doing so would kill him more than knowing the truth ever will. 

So he opens the door to the truth and wallows in the misery of what he’s done. 

To be fair, there was some truth to Jungkook’s words. He had treated you like you were the most precious thing in the universe. And that was because, for the longest time, Jungkook did consider you highly special to him. You were his first friend, the first person he could confide his feelings in, the first person who showed him what love could be like. 

You grew up together, cried together, had your first drink together, stood on stage for the first time together. You had done just about everything together, and Jungkook cherished you more than anything in the world. 

In everything he did, he always tried to make you a part of it. Whether that meant buying your favorite drink or sending you pictures of whatever he was doing, Jungkook always wanted to help you see the world through his eyes because you deserved that much. 

Ice cream dates, sneaking out at night to have some chicken and beer, random dates at the local arcade, a stroll at the beach. You and Jungkook had practically done it all. So, where did it all fall apart? Where did Jungkook go wrong?

“Jungkook?” Eunha calls out, and Jungkook finally musters up the courage to look at Eunha, who was worriedly trying to get him to answer her. Her hold is familiar, something he’s been used to in the past two years, yet at the same time, something was missing within her warmth. An unexplainable feeling he couldn’t quite describe.

And then he realized it wasn’t you. 

Just when did he go astray? When did he start treating you like you weren’t the world to him? For sure, it wasn’t a singular moment. It was most definitely a culmination of many events that led up to his demise. But just how did it happen? 

He looks at Eunha’s worried eyes, those same eyes that he thought meant the world to him within those two years of your break up. Yet, for some reason, he just couldn’t look at them in the same way anymore. Not when there was this hollow emptiness in his heart that called out for you and only you, 

It was like a game of tug and war in his heart. He still loved Eunha; that much was for sure. But he couldn’t deny the love that he had for you as well. He remembered how Eunha was like a breath of fresh air for him. In the midst of all your nagging for him to take care of himself when he was working his ass off making new songs and dealing with management, Eunha was there to simply smile and encourage Jungkook. 

Like a fool, he got lured into Eunha’s charm and held onto it, not noticing that he was letting go of you in the process. 

His heart wails. It cries in pain and desperation of the love it has lost. Why did it have to be this way? Why was Jungkook such a fool? So consumed by his own selfishness, he abandoned the love you two shared and sought another, and now he was reaping what he had sown. 

You were gone. You would never come back. Whatever love you had between the two of you had left and died out. The world was cruel. It had given Jungkook so much hope yet took it away from him the moment he slipped up. Yet, he couldn’t really blame them. He couldn’t really blame you. 

Because he knew you had tried, he could see it in the way your eyes still cried out in pain when you see him. He could hear it in the agony of your voice as you sang passionately in your songs. He knew you did your best to pick up the fallen pieces and try to mend them back together. But all Jungkook did was rip them apart all over again. 

Life couldn’t have been any better for Jeon Jungkook until suddenly it was not. 

And he was the only one to blame. 

© yumeyooa 2021. All rights reserved. Copying, reposting, translating, and modifying in any platform aside from a03 and tumblr or by any means is NOT permitted and will be dealt with accordingly.

➢ taglist: @wearenot7withu @nadiaislas @bbydoejk​ 

[theintrovertedarchitect]

post 2521 syndrome

What a rollercoaster of an emotional journey it was...

I slept and woke up to find myself dreaming and thinking about the ending of 2521. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either. An elephant was sitting on my chest and somebody was strangling me all throughout the episodes 15 and 16. I knew that was going to happen ever since the beach trip episode but still, I was not ready (it didn’t help that I was having my period). 

I am sad. I still want to cry. I haven’t been this affected from a drama ever since CLOY which ended on a happier note. I understand where NHD was coming from. Putting myself in her shoes, I would be breaking up with BYJ if I saw that there was no effort from him. His career is a very stressful and busy one. Some careers are not easy to handle when in a relationship. Especially if your SO is also in a very busy and stressful field. Both parts need to be understanding and patient. Both has to bend in order to make it work. Here we see that at that stage of their lives, both NHD and BYJ don’t know how to navigate this kind of relationship. NHD sees that she’s dating her mother, BYJ is afraid that the more burden he puts on her, the less of the NHD he knows and loves will remain (which I think not really would turn out as he was worried about but, well). We need to remember that these people are young. NHD only 22 and BYJ 26. I am slightly older than BYJ and I’m still not ready for a serious relationship with the direction I am taking in my career. Loving someone is not the same as being in a relationship. A full clear communication and a common goal are needed. I think that’s why it didn’t work out for them. 

But the thing hurts the most is that they lost someone so dear to them, they lost their best friend. Because above everything, they were best friends. I lost a best friend when I was a teenager (not dead, just drifted apart as we grew up and found that we hurt more than we supported each other) and this was the most painful breakup of my life. It took me so long to get over because I loved and trusted my best friend so much, and when we changed for the worse, I felt like I lost a vital limb. It took me years to feel like I could let people in, and I still have problems with trusting people with my heart. In 2521, adult NHD seems bitter, fed up. Adult BYJ doesn’t seem happy either. Because they lost the purest form of friendship and love. They know it is not coming back and there won’t be anything as pure as that. I just wish that life brings them together again as best friends, friends who can just be there. 

About the memories of youth... I can agree that all the memories that seemed so grand and perfect in youth can decay and become fragments of past when you get older. I am not as old as the adult NHD, but I forgot all my happy moments. Because as you grow up, new memories and life erase and replace all of them. Only when I think too hard about a moment of past that I can remember, yes I was happy. I remember it fondly, but it doesn’t bring me immense joy or pain that time flew away. Life goes on, we grow, dwelling on past memories only keeps us from going forward.

Let’s talk about our new favourite couple, KYR and MJW. They worked because MJW could up and design his life according to KYR. It worked really well for him in the end, but theirs is a relationship where one side sacrifices a lot more for the other, and he is happy about it. So, happy ending on their side, I don’t think I could deal with more breakups.

JSW, my girl. She was the character I resonated with the most. She is me at times, and she is someone I want to be. Especially when she never bends for anything when it comes to her principles and beliefs. Hers was the most realistic story of all. She studied hard, had setbacks because of people and life, but persevered. Now she works and takes life one day at a time. She is bored, but she finds happiness in small moments too, like BYJ’s brother :) 

One thing to remember all the time is happiness is not a direction, not a goal. Happiness is fleeting. You will feel sad, angry, devastated, proud, accomplished... Like how these feelings don’t last forever, happiness is like that too. We wanted NHD and BYJ to be together and happy forever, but life isn’t like that. If they didn’t break up then, they would have hurt each other more and their time together would become tainted. I am at least happy that they could end it on an amicable note and remember each other fondly. I wish I had that with my best friend too, but I was not that lucky. So NHD, BYJ, KYR, MJW, JSW. You became my friends for 8 weeks and I’ve learned a lot from you. Thank you for the memories :)

[trampohlena]

Okay, so after last night’s episode I would just like to say that Supercorp IS Endgame. I’d also like to point out the various reasons as to why Kara and Lena are not only soulmates but true twin flames.

For those reading this post who have never heard of the term twin flame: “A twin flame is your own soul, shared across what appears to be two physical beings. It’s one soul, split into two bodies.” -Google’s definition.

For those who are spiritually inclined and have a proclivity for indulging esoteric philosophies; Lena and Kara are ABSOLUTELY twin FUCKING flames 🔥🔥🔥!!

Here are the reasons why:

1. Their drastically different childhoods that resulted in remarkably similar trauma.

Both Kara and Lena have experienced great loss throughout their life. Both mourned the death of their parents, and life as they knew it, at a very early age. Both were shipped off to a foreign land, forced to leave behind everything they knew, in hopes for a brighter/safer future.

Albeit, Lena got the shorter end of the stick in regards to unconditional love, but both were given a second chance and a new start...and yet, they still never fit in, or felt like they truly belonged.

Although they individually have dealt with said trauma in different ways (Lena by pushing away those who try to get too close, and Kara by holding on tightly to those she holds dear) both of their actions are motivated by the same subconscious fear that they HAVE never and WILL never TRULY belong. All while yearning for a sense of “home”.

2. They are opposite reflections of each other; true “mirror souls”, if you will.

Physically, aesthetically, economically, and emotionally—they are complete “mirrors” of one another.

Kara is strong, physically powerful, cut from marble, all hard edges and sharp lines—except for her face. Lena is clearly not as physically powerful, she is soft, all curves, and exudes the grace of the Devine feminine energy—except for her face, which is hard edges and sharp jaw lines. You see what I’m saying?

Aesthetically and economically go hand in hand of course. Lena’s exorbitant wealth is evident in her high-end designer appearance; whereas Kara’s aesthetic is more humble and grounded, and prioritizes comfort over “fashion”. (Let’s admit it. Some of Kara’s fashion choices have been questionable. She clearly rocks the chinos and button-downs better than anything else in that eclectic closet of hers she refuses to come out of 😏)

Emotionally...oh honey. Do I need to say more? I won’t say much but I will say this: Kara is the sun and Lena is the moon. They compliment each other in a way that ensures the world keeps turning.

3. Their individual strengths are the other’s individual weakness and vice versa.

Goes along with the aforementioned “opposite reflection” point above but I’ll expand a bit further in regards to their specific personality traits.

Lena is predominately analytically driven, whereas Kara is emotionally driven. Lena is good in crowds, Kara is not (overwhelmed). Lena is introverted, Kara is extroverted. Lena is detail oriented and has the memory of an elephant, Kara is clumsy and as forgetful as a Pisces (but hey, she has a lot on her plate and barely any free time to balance it). Lena eats like a rabbit-bird-hybrid and Kara eats like a garbage disposal. Kara loves giving and receiving hugs and other forms of physical affection whereas Lena does not (UNLESS it’s from Kara, of course). Etc. Etc. you get the picture.

4. Now this one is the DEAD GIVEAWAY. Undeniable, irrefutable PROOF that Lena and Kara are twin flames.

They are LITERALLY completing what is know as the Twin Flame Journey or the Twin Flame Union.

The stages of Twin Flame Union are roughly as follows:

1. Yearning for “the one”. I think every human being that believes in love experiences this whether it’s throughout their entire life, or only their adult life until they meet this person but yeah. You get it. Kara has always wanted that “Wapow!” moment.

2. Glimpsing/meeting “the one”. Whether it’s only for a short moment, an extended meeting, or perhaps merely locking eyes with them as you pass each other by...you feel immediately connected. There is an instant soul recognition when meeting them, so much so that you could have sworn you’ve met them before or that it’s as if you’ve known each other your whole lives.

Remember when Kara met Lena? And she was gaga-eyed over Lena? Or when Lena felt so comfortable around a new acquaintance that she granted an almost stranger unbridled access to her office? Or how about when Red Daughter flew to America (the country she was taught to hate), with no recollection/memories of Kara’s relationship with Lena (again, the woman she was taught to hate), all because she felt PULLED to do so. And then when she did meet Lena she looked at her and practically drooled over her as if Lena was a double XL cheeseburger with extra special sauce from Big Belly Burger? Like, biiiitch 👀

3. Falling in love. Need I say more? Fine, again, I will. You CANNOT tell me that there is no way in hell that these two morons are anything BUT in love with each other. That’s a lot of double negatives and I appplogize so let me reiterate for clarification: THEY ARE IN LOVE AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND!

And at this point is it so freaking BEYOND platonic love, the show cannot explain it away or sweep it under the “just close friends” rug. No. Kara used her Fifth Dimensional Wish (she literally could have wished her entire planet didn’t explode) and she said “make Lena not mad at me, I’m sad 😔” 👀. Mmmkay. Not to mention Lena picking Supergirl over Jack, her former lover. Or the plethora of other times Lena chose Kara/Supergirl over everyone else she knew. Mmkay.

4. The fairytale relationship/friendship. Lena has finally found someone she can depend on, be vulnerable with, support her without judgement, trust with her life etc. and Kara has finally found a true best friend, not her sister, not Kenny who she didn’t realize was her best friend till after he passed? And now he’s not dead?? But her one true best friend that she felt she didn’t need to be neither Supergirl, nor Kara Danvers, but rather Kara Zor-El around (despite Lena not knowing that little tidbit of information).

They were each other’s best friend. Each other’s person. They were happy.

5. Outer Turmoil and Inner Purging—Supergirl and Lena fight. Lena still does not know that Kara is indeed Supergirl and does not pick up on the brewing tension between herself and Kara.

Kara of course is riddled with guilt and her relationship with Lena becomes strained. This outer turmoil creates inner purging by bringing out negative traits in each other. I.E. Lena hiding kryptonite and also Kara asking James to spy on her. Shit gets messy but they still try to make it work.

6. The Runner and the Chaser/Separation Stage—Tensions mount between the two and Lena FINALLY learns about Kara’s secret. And she has a choice to make. So what does she do? She runs. Not physically but emotionally. She completely withdraws from not only Kara and their friends but also withdraws from herself.

She literally experiences cognitive dissonance and becomes someone she is not. Someone other people made her believe she was on the inside, even though Kara knows that it isn’t. And so, Kara chases her.

Lena becomes the runner and Kara becomes the chaser as they navigate this separation stage.

Continuously running and continuously chasing.

7. The Surrender and dissolution stage—they’re fucking done. They’re tired. They’re exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally after all the bullshit they put each other through as well as all the bullshit Lex and the Phantom Zone put them through.

They come to an impasse in regards to Lex and realize the only way to defeat him is to work together, as a team. (El Mayarah anyone?)

They surrender to their emotions and to each other as their egos dissolve and their souls expand after having learned invaluable life lessons. The major one being: THEY CANNOT LIVE HAPPILY WITHOUT EACH OTHER!

8. The last stage that we have yet to see but we fucking better or else I’m gonna January 6 the CW studio building—“Oneness”.

This time, I’m not gonna say more.

So, in conclusion: Supercorp is Endgame because Lena Luthor and Kara Zor-El Danvers are the literal definition of a twin flame, soulmate connection. They are the same soul, manifested in two physical forms, for the sole purpose of expanding their soul’s consciousness.

They deserve to be happy, they deserve to be together. Not only does their union parallel some of the greatest love stories throughout history, i.e. Romeo and Juliet, Darcy and Bennet, Superman and Lois (duh) it would also break the curse of generational karma and illustrate to anybody who watches the show that the only person who defines who you are is YOU. Not a name, not a legacy, not society’s expectations, YOU. And most importantly of ALL...it would showcase that love truly does conquer all.

I rest my case.

TPTB, make Supercorp Endgame or kick rocks ✌️😘

Sincerely,

An empassioned fan with way too much time on her hands.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Surprise – Howlin’ For You – One Shot

Description: Bucky forgets it’s his birthday. But his wife and kids aren’t going to let that slide. 

Pairing: AU - Biker!Bucky x Fem/Reader

Howlin’ For You - Masterlist

Read the series or you will not know what the fuck is happening.

Bucky was so tired that a part of him was worried about getting home on a motorcycle without falling asleep. 

It was like the universe was torturing him with the day that he had. It seemed as if every customer he had to deal with at the shop today was a privileged asshole. All of them either pretended like they knew more about auto mechanics than him or yelled at him for the very reasonable pricing he gave them on their vehicles.

Customer service had always been the thing Bucky hated most about running his own shop. He tried to avoid dealing with customers at all cost. Steve was much more patient than he was – most of the crew was. 

But the whole reason they’d created the shop in the first place was to offer people realistic prices and to not rip off naive and unassuming customers.

Now Bucky was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

He’d sent a text to Y/N earlier, telling her how he’d become more and more irritated from work as the day went on.

She sent her support and promised she’d try to cheer him up when he got home.

Bucky immediately brought the conversation to more risqué suggestions, but Y/N didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

He also knew that a few minutes with his kids and he’d cheer up. Amelia would want to cuddle with him or the twins would show him their new model cars they built with so much enthusiasm that he wouldn’t be able to help but feel better.

When Bucky walked through the door, his shoulders immediately relaxed. He gave most of the credit to Y/N for making their house an oasis of comfort and warmth.

But then he noticed how oddly quiet the house was, which was a rarity with a 5-year-old daughter and 9-year-old, rambunctious twins.

“Doll?” He called out.

Suddenly Amelia came running to him, slamming into his legs with her tiny body.

“There’s my girl,” Bucky chuckled as he lifted her up to hold her.

She was already growing up so fast that he knew carrying her around could end at any moment – more from her not wanting him to than her becoming too big.

“Where is your pretty mama and your crazy brothers, huh?” He asked her after giving her cheek a kiss.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulders.

“They told me to come get you,” she informed him.

“Oh, yeah? What for?”

Amelia giggled. “It’s a secret,” she whispered.

“A secret? Sounds like trouble.” But now Bucky was getting a little suspicious. “Is this hide and seek? Are you here to help me find them?”

Amelia giggled again and shook her head. “No, silly. Th-They told me to say…ummm…” She was now have trouble battling the short-term memory that came with being 5 years old.

“Told you to say what, babydoll?” He encouraged her softly.

She smiled, not seeming to care that she wasn’t doing a good job of giving him the message. “The backyard,” she laughed.

“I’m supposed to go to the backyard,” Bucky confirmed with a slow nod.

Then he kissed her head. “Alright. Let’s go to the backyard.”

Bucky assumed the twins had Y/N hostage, showing her everything about the new dirt bike he’d brought home for them just a few days ago. While Y/N didn’t know nor care much about the mechanics, like her sons and daughter, she humored them by nodding and oohing and aahing at the right parts.

As soon as they were close to the door that led out to the patio and backyard, Bucky was surprised he couldn’t hear the twins talking Y/N’s ear off. Also the lights were off, making it hard to see anything through the windows of the house.

When Bucky pulled the door open, he was met with the backyard lights turning on and a crowd screaming, “Surprise!”

On instinct alone, he turned his body a bit so Amelia was shielded. But he quickly recovered, steadying his breathing and realizing neither he nor his daughter were in any immediate danger.

The whole week of work, specifically today, had been so hectic and stressful that Bucky kept forgetting his birthday was just around the corner.

Now he was facing what looked to be every person he’d ever met in his life.

All of the Howlies were laughing and cheering at his arrival. Someone had already started up the music again. People were talking amongst themselves now that the surprise had been delivered.

Grayson and Owen came running out of the crowd, Y/N slowly walking behind them with a warm smile.

“Were you surprised, dad?” The twins both asked excitedly.

“Sure was,” he laughed as he mess up both of their hair.

“Did you spoil the surprise, Amelia?” Grayson asked his little sister, who was still in her dads arms. His eyes were filled with suspicion.

She glared and shook her head before nuzzling closer to her father.

“No, she didn’t ruin anything. She could be a spy,” Bucky defended.

Now Y/N had made her way to them.

“You,” he playfully glared at his wife. “Come here.” She laughed and stepped closer, earning a kiss from him. “You plan all this for me, troublemaker?”

She barely pulled away from his lips, “Maybe.”

“Thank you, doll. You didn’t have to do this.”

Y/N shrugged. “I was just a little worried after you told me how bad your day was going. I thought maybe this would be all be too much.”

“Of course not,” he assured her.

He moved her lips to his ear. “I’m sorry about the lights and screaming, I tried to tell them not to do it. But everyone was really committed already,” Y/N muttered to him so no one else could hear, proving that she caught how he’d reacted to the surprise.

He kissed her again. “It’s fine, Y/N.” 

Even after all these years, Bucky was still amazed at how well they could read each other.

Then Y/N grabbed Amelia from his arms. “Now, I’ll take this one, because you got a lot of people who want to wish you a happy birthday.”

As soon as Y/N stepped away and took the kids with her, Bucky was bombarded with people giving him hugs and saying hi.

All of the Howlies were there, along with their partners and kids. He spotted his mom and sister talking to Y/N’s family. Some of Y/N’s friends who had become Bucky’s friends were there too. It was like their usual Howlie gatherings – but magnified and with all the attention on Bucky.

He could’ve gone without the attention, but he enjoyed having all the important people in his life all in one place.

An hour later, he found Steve running the grill.

“Alright, punk, I know you were responsible for this too,” Bucky growled.

They’d just seen each other at the garage a few hours ago.

“I may have helped a bit,” Steve confessed through a mischievous smile.

“How’d you all keep it a secret? Especially, Sam – that idiot can’t keep his mouth shut.”

“I fucking heard that!” Sam shouted from over Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky laughed and gave Sam an unapologetic shrug.

“That wife of yours did most of the work. I felt like I was back in the military with the way she had everything organized and dished out jobs to all of us.”

Bucky laughed at that, picturing Y/N giving out orders to his biker gang.

Hours later, Y/N had put the kids to bed and the adults really got down to celebrating. 

She was starting to get worried with the amount of shots and drinks people were thrusting onto Bucky. The man could hold his alcohol, but he was still just a human.

“I’m going to end up carrying that man to bed, aren’t I?” Y/N asked Sam and Nat as they sat around a fire.

The three of them drew their attention to Thor and Clint who were shoving another shot onto Bucky.

“Make him find his own way to the couch,” Sam chuckled.

“This is why you’d make a bad boyfriend,” Nat smirked.

“What?” Sam yelled. “I’m a great boyfriend!”

“Yeah?” Nat asked. “Where’s your girlfriend now? Oh, yeah, you don’t have one…”

Lo and behold, Y/N did have to practically drag her drunk husband to their bedroom.

Some of the Howlies who were more sober offered to stay back and help clean up. Even when Y/N turned them down, they ignored her and started getting to work. She wouldn’t be surprised if she came downstairs tomorrow morning to find her house cleaner than it was before the party.

Bucky’s arm was around Y/N’s shoulder as she navigated him through their home.

“You’re the best wife anyone in the world could ever have,” Bucky slurred to her.

Y/N laughed, “I am?”

“Of course.”

“OK. Well, your wife needs some help on your end to get you up these stairs.”

And to his credit, he made it up them without requiring much of Y/N’s help.

When they got to his bedroom, he flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Y/N started unlacing his foots and taking off his jeans.

“Shirt to bed or no shirt?” She asked him.

“No shirt!”

She smiled at him. “Shorts or sleeping in just your briefs?”

“Briefs!”

Y/N nodded.

“Well, I was planning on ending the night with more fun. But I don’t think you’re exactly in the right state for that…” She teased him.

Bucky chuckled. “Probably for the best.”

He was currently fighting the spins. So, as much as he wanted to have sex with his beautiful and sexy wife, it probably wouldn’t end well for him.

Y/N went to take off her makeup, wash her face, and brush her teeth.

She found one of Bucky’s old t-shirts and threw it on, forgoing any type of short or pants.

“Come here, doll.” Bucky demanded, sounding far more sober than he should. 

“Are you gonna behave?” Y/N asked him as she pointed a finger at him.

“Yes, ma’am. I just want cuddles.” Then he smiled like a goof. “It’s my birthday, so I get what I want.”

Y/N chuckled and shook her head at him, but did as he requested and climbed into bed with him. Bucky instantly pulled her on top of his chest and wrapped his arms around her.

“Thank you for tonight,” he sighed and kissed the top of her head.

“I’m glad you had fun.”

“I love you, Y/N.” His voice proving that he was just moments away from passing out.

“Love you too, Buck.”

And barely 30 seconds later, Y/N’s ears were filled with Bucky’s drunken snores.

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Thank you to the anon who sent this in and inspired me.  Let me know what you guys think :)