#im just overwhelmed by the 5 hours of travel we just did and not following my routine

[iwantabatlleaxe]

Aaaaahgdh im overwhelmed

[bloomingnono]

meant it. (part 2)

pairing: jeno x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: ~ 1.7 k

warnings: language (like one curse word akjds)

intro l part 1 l part 2

a/n: im so sorry for the long wait:( i wanted to make sure i did my best, and wrote something i was overall pretty content with! but here’s the second, and final part to “meant it”!! i hope you all enjoy, especially my dear 🍿anonie<3

also not me making major adjustments 5 minutes before posting💀

taglist of my loves: @luvlyjaemin @vera-liscious @lenaluvs

Your bed felt cold. The type of cold that left your body weak. And yet again, you found yourself fighting to let sleep consume you.

You hesitantly turned to your left side, hoping that maybe, this was all just one big nightmare. That maybe when you turned around, he’d be there.

But you were only met with the other side of your bare bed; your lamp casting an amber tinge on your snow-white sheets.

Four weeks had passed since those final words had been exchanged. He had left you broken.

To say you missed him was an understatement.

You longed for the way your heartbeat quickened at his sight. You longed for the way your stomach fluttered as your name effortlessly slipped out of his lips. You longed for his touch; the way his fingers lingered against your skin.

You missed him.

But at what cost? To hear those three empty words leave his mouth?

No. Never again.

It was unfair to Jeno. But most of all, it was unfair to you.

You didn’t deserve to be told such idle lies.

Especially not from the one person you would give up your entire life for.

Jeno was a naive soul; so sincere and trusting of what only met the eye.

Mistakes were a daily occurrence in his life; learning and growing from them as he paved his way through.

.

But the second you left, he knew he had made the biggest mistake yet.

.

On the night when everything ended, there was an inexplainable feeling of void growing within him.

He didn’t have a reason to smile, nor the energy to cry.

Unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, he felt incomplete. It left him numb.

Before he knew it, four weeks had already gone by.

Four weeks since he last held your frame in his grasp. Four weeks since he last saw the face he once fell in love with. Four weeks since he left you utterly broken.

But in those four weeks, Jeno wasn’t living. He was simply existing.

He was merely left in his world; his actions and their consequences, being his sole companion.

He knew it was unfair to continue to lie and prolong the inevitable. But, why did it feel so wrong? It was the right decision to choose... right?

‘To choose.’

It seemed like such a simple action. It was something we did on a daily basis; nearly every second of every day.

Yet it held so much influence.

Jeno had finally realized that now.

Everything in life was purely a choice.

.

Everything.

You lie on your bed, your mind lost in all the bumps and ridges that painted your cream-colored ceiling.

It was late into the night, the moon peeking its way through the slits of your window blinds. The silence was peaceful, yet deafening.

Despite the unsettling aspects of the stillness, you’re ready for it to devour you; yearning for that feeling of tranquility that you haven’t felt in weeks.

But just as you are about to give in, you’re abruptly interrupted by frantic raps on your front door. Jostling up into a sitting position, you force yourself off your bed to check and see who was causing such a fuss.

The knocks on your door persist, not allowing for a single moment of intermission.

Apprehension quickly overtakes your body, frightened at what could possibly cause such actions to befall at this ungodly hour.

You hesitantly grab your doorknob, carefully turning it and opening the door just a fraction of the way.

You are met with a hunched figure; their hands on their knees and their hair damp with —what can only be assumed as— sweat. Their labored breathing leads you to believe they had run here, and hastily at that.

After a few short-lived seconds, you carefully try to assess the situation; fear still coursing throughout your body.

“Can I help you..?”

The figure instantly tenses at your tone, as if taken aback by the sound of your voice.

You watch in confusion as they begin to catch their breath, and stand to their full height. Straining your eyes to try and identify their face, you’re left frozen at the single feature that was recognizable even in pitch darkness.

His eyes.

You instinctively take a step backward, distrusting your vision.

But your presumption reigns true, as the figure tentatively takes a step forward through the doorway; his face now fully illuminated by your foyer light.

.

Lee Jeno.

.

He seemed to be in a terrible state: his hair a mess from the sweat, his clothes violated by the wind, and his breaths still quite uneven.

You attempt to try and form a coherent sentence, but the words seem to die in your throat. You could only look up at him, staring blankly with your mouth hung open.

“Wha... What are you doing here...?”

“I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. Immediately.” His expression was unreadable, yet his tone held the familiar hint of desperation. “I miss you. I want— No. I need you back. Nothing in this world seems right when I’m not with you. I’m not who I am without you. I need you…”

The silence that follows is unbearable.

It takes a few moments for his words to sink in. You feel your eyebrows furrow in confusion, contorting your features into a frown.

But the confusion is quickly replaced with the dreaded feeling of anger. It swiftly fills your entire soul, kindling a flame. The one emotion you tried so hard to repress, viciously engulfs your entire body.

The words that had once died in your throat, quickly resurrect and force their way out of your mouth.

You find your voice again. However, this time, it is nothing but cold and bitter.

“Lee Jeno, I love you. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you, because I am. But you aren’t. And that’s why I let you go.”

The floodgates were finally opened. There was no going back.

“As much as I still loved you, and as much as it killed me to accept that you didn’t return those feelings for me anymore; I let you go. Want to know why? Because your happiness means so much more than my own. I let you go because I love you so fucking much.”

Jeno stares at you with wide eyes, unable to summon a statement that could somehow ease the pain in you eyes. “I-“

“No, listen!!” Your voice begins break, unable to keep your emotions at bay. The words flow out of your mouth quicker than your mind could process. “I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hate you and resent you so badly for everything you put me through, but I couldnt. Because I still fucking love you!!”

The last statement leaves your throat raw. But you persist.

“You really got some nerve, Lee Jeno.” You laugh humorlessly at the pure audacity, before turning back to him with a renewed flame.

“You left me absolutely shattered. And I couldn’t even hate you for it. I refuse to let you hurt me again. I refuse to watch, as the love for me floods out of your eyes again. I REFUSE!!!”

Every last bit of your energy is wasted on your final words as you scream them at the top of your lungs.

The angry tears streaming out of your eyes seem endless. Your whole body trembles with pure fury as you collapse to the floor, legs giving out beneath you.

Jeno instinctively scrambles to your side, supporting your fragile form with his own.

Too weak to fight against his hold, you allow yourself to be braced by him; the touch being all too familiar for your liking.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” You purposely avoid his gaze as you ask, your voice impossibly faint. You’re left completely exhausted; the anger quickly transforming into pure defeat.

There’s a moment of hesitancy. You feel the sharp intake of breath that he takes before the reply is given.

.

“I... love you.”

.

Those three words that you once adored, and now despised... Those three words that had eased all your pain, but now caused your suffering...

Those three words... were no longer hollow.

.

He meant it again.

.

A chill swiftly travels down from the top of your spine to the tip of your toes, leaving you senseless.

He promptly proceeds; the hesitancy in his tone now replaced with a new-found determination.

“I love you. And not because I have to, but because I want to.” Cold fingers gently grip your chin, tilting it up to meet his gaze. “Loving you is not merely a spark. Loving you is not lust or simple desire. Loving you is a commitment. I want to wake up every day, and choose to love you.”

There’s another moment of silence; tears of regret traveling down to drip from the point of his chin.

“I’m so sorry for... everything.” He chokes back a sob as the words get caught in his throat. “I loathe myself for being the cause of all this. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and... and I completely understand if you aren’t willing to forgive me either-“

Before he could finish, you crash your lips onto his; successfully silencing his statement. Tears continue to descend both your guys’ cheeks, unable to subside from the overwhelming sense of comfort that came with being in the others’ warmth again.

You sense a familiar arm snake around your waist, pulling you deeper into the contact. Your own arms loop around his neck, absorbing the touch that you had longed for, so intensely.

You pull away from the kiss, coming face to face with the love of your life.

.

“You have no idea how much I missed feeling those words.” The sentence is muttered, speaking to yourself more than anyone else.

But he heard them nonetheless.

.

You feel his slender fingers encase either side of your face, his cool touch sending a wave of shock throughout your body. Keeping your face steady in his hands, he slowly leans his forehead against yours.

With his eyes closed and without a single waver in his voice, the words slip out again.

.

“I love you.”

.

You soak up the comfort that alluded from such simplicity.

You know that you guys aren’t perfect. Nowhere near it.

But what mattered, was that you were in each other’s hold again.

.

.

Because you loved each other...

.

.

And you meant it.

end.

[kpopchangedmylife44]

First kiss with Ateez

Hongjoong

It’s nighttime and you stroll through the empty streets of Seoul. You were visiting popular spots around town, but as it was so late, nobody but you two were there. It felt like you had the whole world to yourself. And while the street lights illuminated your face, Hongjoong knew in this moment that he was falling for you. Unconsciously he was leaning in and you followed his movements. When his lips met yours it felt like the city exploded into lights. The kiss was slow yet passionate and he hold your face like he did want to capture this moment for as long as possible.

Seonghwa

You were at a weekend trip as your family was friends with each other. During a campfire your family started to embarrass you and told how you were crushing so hard on Seonghwa last year. You never told him and he was oblivious to it, although it seemed obvious to everyone else. While you excused yourself (and thought about plans to let your family pay), he followed you to ask if you were ok. ,,Well of course not. My family just exposed my crush on you.“ Seonghwas expression was genuinely surprised. ,,But they said your crush on me was last year.“ Oh shit, you were digging this hole even deeper. ,,Yeah, that’s ehm what I meant.“ He looked at you with a slight smile, seemingly amused. ,,That’s too bad actually. Cause now I’m the one crushing.“ He tried to go back to your families, but you just grabbed his hand without thinking. ,,I lied... I’m..“ You couldn’t even finish this sentence as he quickly pecked your lip and waited for your reaction. When you smiled at him, he stated ,,So that’s ok then.“ You both were leaning in this time and kissing for longer. Your family started wondering if you both went missing, but when they find you almost making out, everyone was happy for you.

Yunho

Yunho and you were friends since your early school days and soon all would come to an end. With your upcoming graduation and you wanting to travel around for several months it looked like your friendship could change drastically. And not only that. You both had feelings for each other, but nobody dared to say anything. The week after your graduation you hang out in your tree house, that you build when you were kids. You were leaving in 5 days and spend all your free time thinking about what to do. You were so afraid of losing your friend and felt slightly on the edge. Yunho and you talked for several hours, but your worries never left and when you said goodbye, the tears started to drop. ,,y/n, how can I help you.“ He was holding onto you, rubbing your shoulders and your face ever so gently, while you tried to respond. ,,I’m really afraid that we will lose each other.“ Yunho felt his heart sink. ,,Don’t be, im coming with you.“ At this point you were really confused, but Yunho actually planned to travel with you for quite some time and he wanted to surprise you last minute. Relief settled over both of you and it felt right in this moment to just kiss him. So you did and everything fell into place. You knew each other for so long, that it was familiar and by the way Yunho continued to kiss you and give little kisses all over your face to collect the tears, you could feel his love for you.

Yeosang

It started when you had the glorious plan to learn how to skate. You went to the skatepark to practice your basic skills until you saw some cute boy, who was really talented. You never saw him talk much to the other people, so you asked them what was up with him. ,,He’s really shy“ everyone said about him, but still one day he came over to you to offer you some help. ,,Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but you’re doing the trick wrong and I’m afraid you might hurt yourself.“ He showed you how to do it way easier and you were grateful for his help. That day you talked for hours. It was really comfortable as he had such a calm attitude and gave you loads of tips. Over the next couple of weeks you practiced together and started to hang out all the time. It was pretty obvious that Yeosang was falling for you and although you felt the same, you never thought he would feel the same way. One afternoon when you went to the skate park, Yeosang got distracted by you and fell from his board. You immediately rushed to him as he laid passed out on the floor. He was mumbling sentences, but you couldn’t understand as you were calling the hospital as his legs was bent in a strange angle. The ambulance arrived minutes later and you accompined him on the way. After hours it turned out that his leg was injured, but fortunately not broken. You talked to him and he hold your hand the whole time and nobody seemed to really notice. His parents came to visit and you left the room, but still heard them say ,,Is this your girlfriend/boyfriend?“, to which Yeosang said ,,Hopefully one day“. When they left, you wanted to say goodbye as well, but also found the courage to do the following. ,,Does it hurt much? I could kiss it better.“ He nodded slightly so you leaned in to kiss him on the lips. When you turned away, he was blushing and his heart monitor went crazy. ,,y/n it still hurts a lot“ and with that he leaned in to give you a much longer kiss, while his heart was about to explode.

San

You knew San for years as you were both in the music industry. At this point you knew each other well enough, so you could just sense that San was especially nervous that day as his parents were in the venue. ,,I’m not good enough. They will think that I should just quit.“ He was freaking out and talking nonsense and you were just trying to calm him down. ,,Stop talking like this. You’re really talented and you deserve to be on this stage. Your parents should be proud of you as you’re such a good person.“ San was calmer, but when the last minute countdown started, he was hyperventilating. You didn’t know what to do. He was on the edge of a mental breakdown and you needed to somehow fix it. You remembered an idea from a tv show (it’s Teen Wolf) and before you could think things through, you were kissing him. San was so shocked that his breathing came back to normal. ,,Oh, it worked.“ You were perplexed as it worked out perfectly and San was still taken by surprise. ,,Y/n, thanks for helping me out.“ and under his breath he said ,,but now I got another problem“ (his feeling for you). He somehow managed to do the show smoothly and was over the moon by it. When he saw you backstage he was still overwhelmed by everything, so he went to steal his second kiss of the night, which was way longer and full of emotions.

Mingi

Mingi was one of the best dancers of your school and you needed some help for your upcoming semester as you had to perform a song in front of the whole class. ,,I don’t believe that you can’t dance. Nobody is as bad as they think.“ Oh boy was he in the wrong. When you showed him your dance skills he was bursting into his bright laughter. ,,Well ok, we need to work on this immediately.“ Mingi was always friendly and helpful. His easy-going personality helped you a lot through the dance lessons in the following weeks. Both of you were still a little clumsy, so when you did a spin Mingi was tripping and tore you both to the floor. And that is how you ,,unfortunately“ landed on top of his lips. Both of you were really perplexed and froze for several moments before pulling away. You tried to act like nothing happened, but he couldn’t let it slide. ,,It was actually not that bad. I kind of enjoyed it, but we could just go on a date first??? If you want...“ Mingi was struggling with his words and you were as well. ,,Yeah, that would be nice.“ So you started to see each other and the rest is history. (It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this. It was only a kiss...)

Wooyoung

Wooyoung and you were doing a group project together and it was quite annoying. Nobody was keen on working with the other person, but that’s the nature of this kind of school work. You fought a lot about how little the other person did and you still hadn’t a clue what to do for your presentation. Time was slowly ticking away and so did your nerves. You literally couldn’t stand him staring at you, like he hated you with all of his being. Your frustration grew as you made no progress on the project. All your stress made your habits ten times worse. You started biting your nails and lips and Wooyoung felt worried when he looked at you. ,,y/n, you should try to relax a bit. It’s just a grade.“ ,,Why do you actually say that? Like you would care.“ Truth was he didn’t care for the project, but he cared for you. You worked like this for some time and your stress became worse as you tensed your jaw and bit down on your lips. He couldn’t take it anymore, as he quickly (but somehow gently) leaned in and kissed you. Wooyoung thought that you would interrupt him immediately, but he was wrong. You were kissing for what felt like hours and the stress slowly left you bit for bit. When you parted, nobody dared to speak. Wooyoung wanted to say something about the kiss and that you shouldn’t bit your lips as it’s such a waste of them. But you tried to gather your remaining brain cells by saying ,,We still got nothing, Wooyoung. The presentation is tomorrow.“ And with that you both bursted into laughter, somehow finished everything and winged it and still found the time for other things along the way.

Jongho

You and Jongho were practicing for a musical. As you both were the lead roles you had to practice for several hours a day and grew closer to each other. It started out as a really sweet friendship but after some time you developed feelings for him, although you stayed quiet. You knew that your chemistry on stage was unmatched, but you just didn’t know if it was the fact that your roles were designed to fall in love with each other or if it was real. On the day of the performance you felt incredibly nervous, but when you saw Jongho you calmed down immediately. He gave you a long hug before the first scene and everything went smoothly. During the last scene everything got more intense than usual and you felt the urge to finally do something about your feelings. Just when it all was coming to an end and the curtains fell, Jongho wasted no time to kiss you. Even though the applause was extremely loud, you didn’t acknowledge your surroundings anymore. Both of you just stood there for what felt like ages, until the rest of the cast came and stared at you like ,,it was about time“.

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

[prettywordsyouleft]

Through His Eyes - Part 3

Summary: Losing your sight after your accident was traumatic, and Jaebum’s guilt of knowing it should have been him instead creates an intricate bond between you both, as you overcome adversity and try to find your way in life again.

Genre: angst / romance

Characters: Im Jaebum x female reader

A/N: This story is emotional and raw compared to some of the content on my blog. It is in no way an attempt to glamourise or undervalue the lives of those who suffer from something similar. This story is purely fictional.

Through His Eyes will be posted every Tuesday at 10am NZST.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 [M] | 13 - FINAL

“Where are you going?”

Jaebum turned and smiled at his manager Yong, jiggling the car keys in his hands. “I’m going to go out.”

“Where to?”

“Do I have to break down my every step?”

Yong rubbed his face tiredly and then stared at Jaebum. “Again?”

“What?” Jaebum shrugged nonchalantly as Yong gave him a knowing look. “We made plans, and I’ve already arranged Youngjae’s track for the OST as promised. I have no planned schedule for the rest of the day. Now can I go?”

“I won’t be able to stop you from going to Y/N, will I?”

Patting the manager’s shoulder playfully, Jaebum smiled again. “Why would you want to?”

“Your obsession with her needs to stop, you know this right? Fans aren’t dumb; they’ll start to think something is going on.” Yong waved him off all the same and Jaebum promised to be careful and resumed leaving the building.

Once in his car, Jaebum drove out into the sunny afternoon, heading towards your apartment complex. After parking in one of the car spots allocated to your apartment, Jaebum placed on his cap and mask before exiting the vehicle, locking it and going inside. The elevator ride to the fifth floor was its usual juttering self, and he wondered how scary it might feel to you to ride it now.

The doors sprang open after the jolting stop and Jaebum exited the potential death trap, going down the hall and then climbing the small set of stairs to your front door. Your apartment was larger than some of the others on the floor, but it also was in the corner and raised above its neighbour. Jaebum couldn’t quite understand how the building design worked, but it maximised as much of its space as possible. Pressing the doorbell, he waited for someone to answer, smiling as he could hear your voice nearing.

“Who is it?”

“Someone handsome,” Jaebum called out teasingly. The door opened and you peered around, as if you were trying to see. He smiled at the habit and then frowned. “Well, aren’t you going to let me in?”

“I’m searching for someone handsome, but I forgot I can’t see!”

He laughed and stepped into the apartment, removing his hat and mask whilst slipping out of his shoes and into the guest slippers. “You seem to be in a good mood.”

“I don’t know, this morning I fell over.” You fumbled for your leg and then winced as you pressed on an area near your knee. You then extended your leg out to Jaebum. “See, I apparently bruised myself.”

“You’re only adding to your bumps and bruises collection daily it seems.” You shook your head as you navigated over to the sofa. Jaebum sat down beside you and gazed around the room looking for your Mum.

“She’s not here,” you mentioned as if you read his mind and Jaebum blinked rapidly, somewhat amazed at the connection you both sometimes had. It wasn’t the first time you had managed to read him and he tapped you gently, investigating you curiously.

“How do you do it?”

“Since losing my eyesight, I’ve gained magical powers,” you explained, not missing a beat in the conversation. Your personality had come a long way over the past month. 

You then started to move your arms about. “They say when one sense dies off, the others pick up. I’m kind of special, you know.”

“You don’t say.” He eyed your arms, quietly avoiding them as they waved about too close to his face. “So, magical being, what are we doing today?”

Your arms dropped to your lap and you sighed. “It was you who contacted me first saying you could come visit, how was I meant to plan something?”

“You mean I just travelled here and you have no form of entertainment for me?” He laughed and then nudged you, in which you instantly nudged Jaebum back, your past flinching upon sudden contact nowhere in sight. He smiled again, enjoying the confidence that you had started to exude with lately.

“Stop evaluating me.”

“Stop reading me!”

You both laughed and then fell into a comfortable silence. Jaebum glanced around the small living area as an idea came to mind. He wondered how annoyed your Mother would be by the thought though, and sighed.

“What are you thinking?” you asked, your voice halting his thoughts.

Jaebum glanced at you and smirked. “You mean, you don’t know? What happened to being magical?”

“Har-har. Tell me?”

“When did you last go outside?”

Your expression grew nervous. “The other day. We went to my physio appointment.”

“I mean, just to get out, not for an appointment or task?”

“You know I don’t go out much.”

“So maybe we should?” Jaebum gauged your expression, hope and dread mixing as one. “We could just walk around a park?”

“You’ll get recognised,” you instantly replied, your eyes glued to the wall in front of you. Jaebum leaned forward, trying to break your stare. You blinked at his movement but didn’t falter.

“I have a hat, mask, and besides, you said no one handsome was at the door. So no one will be paying attention.”

“My Mum would never agree to this. It’s dangerous. I can’t see.”

“But I can. And I’ll be with you the whole way.” Jaebum could see your judgement changing, the hope out-winning any doubt. “And if it gets too overwhelming, we can just come straight back.”

“Mum is meeting with her friends for a few hours, so I guess it won’t be any harm to go in and out whilst she’s away.” You smiled and turned to him, making Jaebum shift back as he hadn’t realised how close he had been leaning. You also moved and stood up. Pressing down your tee, you then sighed. “I can’t believe I’m asking, but-”

“You look perfectly good to go for a walk around the park,” he assured and a light smile crossed your lips. Then you looked down. Jaebum followed your gaze to your feet and then got up. Heading to the shoe cupboard, he found some blue sneakers and came back to your side, guiding your hands to grab the right shoe. You slowly tied your laces up and then looked at him expectantly. Jaebum double knotted them for good measures and then stood back up.

“Shall we?” you asked, your voice lighter than it was before. Jaebum grabbed your hand and led you to the door.

“Wow, the air smells so crisp!” Twirling around, you grinned and stretched out your arms, experiencing all the new sensations as you walked along. Jaebum stayed near your side without holding onto you, allowing you the freedom to grow outside again. It was like watching a young bird getting ready to take flight after failing its first attempt, and he proudly walked along, soaking up as much of your energy as he could. The air did feel crisper, and not because it was heading into autumn. It was as if you were both breathing in new life together, and Jaebum smiled behind his mask as your steps grew bolder.

“There’s a tree just ahead, do you want to touch it?” he asked and you nodded excitedly, your arms already out and ready to collide with it. Jaebum gave you verbal directions, not wanting to hinder your temporary independence, and soon you were feeling the textures of the bark on the tall tree.

“Jaebum, this is so much fun!” He merely smiled and then your face lost all its colour. He tilted his head to the side at your sudden change in demeanour. “You’re still there, right? Jaebum!”

“I’m here.”

“You didn’t answer,” you mentioned with a grumble, pushing away from the tree and spinning around to find him. Jaebum quickly shifted into your path and you reached for his shirt, gripping it and then smelling tentatively. Relaxing when you realised it was him, you then hit him and Jaebum yelped at the sudden attack. “Too much freedom!”

“Alright, so that was wrong of me. But you were doing so well.”

“I’m still blind, you can’t expect me to understand and hear and smell everything in a foreign atmosphere.”

Jaebum nodded softly, placing his arm over your shoulders to pull you closer. You stiffened as he chuckled. “Is this good then?”

“Oh my god, what if someone recognises you? Get off!”

“You just said-”

“Your skinship is out of control for a new friend, Im Jaebum. Are you like this with all the girls you know?”

Jaebum chuckled and then grabbed your lower arm gently. You accepted this readily, your own hand slipping to grab onto the hem of his shirt again. “I don’t normally have girls rely on me so much.”

“No, because they’re not blind like me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jaebum groaned and you sighed. You both started to walk again in silence and Jaebum wondered what to say to excuse his poor wording yet again.

You beat him to it though, your head turning away from his direction as you spoke. “I like it, you know. Not because I’m a fan or anything. But your constant touch, it calms me.”

“It does?”

You nodded. For some reason, Jaebums’s heart started to beat irregularly at your statement and he too had to look away to calm down.

“That’s why I panicked. I couldn’t smell you or feel your touch. Don’t do it again okay? If you take me out somewhere, stick to my side so I don’t feel alone in this world.”

“You won’t ever be alone,” he told you firmly, your lips curling up into a shy smile.

“You promise?”

“Of course.”

He then nudged you and you returned the playful gesture, soon feeling confident again to walk without holding onto him. As Jaebum stared at you, he thought over his words to you just now. His promise was one thing he would always keep. It was his fault you couldn’t see the world anymore. However, letting you feel it as normally as you could was just as important to him as making music was.

_________________

[Part 4]

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Laura | International Business

Semester 2 - 2020

Using your degree in the real world 

Often students can struggle to figure out how to use the skills and knowledge they learn at university and adapt it to a real-life situation. It’s a concept I struggled with in the beginning, understanding how subjects like IT Skills and financial accounting would somehow be relevant to my future career. Little did I know, I’d be using those acquired skills and knowledge so soon in my future. 

At the beginning of lockdown, I decided to order myself a sewing machine. It was something I had wanted to invest in for a few years, but I just never had the time to spend learning how to use it and re-working clothes like I’d hoped to. So, I bought the sewing machine and got to work on some old clothes that I wanted to fix up and give a new lease of life. I was still quite busy with assignments and college work at the time I purchased it, but on the weekends I’d spend a few hours researching patterns and videos online. I got the hang of it eventually with a lot of practice and set off re-working some of my clothes.

One evening, I came across a youtube video on how to make reusable masks, and I decided to give it a go. I started making masks for my grandparents and family members, learning more about the process the more I made. Then, it was announced on the news a week later that the public was being advised to wear facemasks in shops and in situations where social distancing could not be adhered to. I saw this as a chance to use my skill and knowledge of business from my degree. I made a logo online, set up an Instagram page, and messaged about 20 of my friends on social media about it. I got about 12 orders for the following week, which I was delighted with! I had so much spare time on my hands that given the opportunity to spend it doing something productive was a bonus! 

Fast forward two weeks and business was going slow. I was only getting about two orders a day, but I knew I was capable of doing more. I was on a Zoom call with some of my friends from college, and one of them, my friend Róisín, has recently started an INTRA placement with the Irish Sun. She was saying how every day she has to pitch ideas to her editor and she needed some inspiration for the next day. We started listing out some ideas, and one of the boys suggested an article on people making facemasks from home. The next day, she ran with that idea and pitched it to her editor, and he loved it! She messaged me with the news and I was delighted for her! But then, she asked if she could interview me for the article. I was delighted to be helping her out and really didn’t comprehend the things that this publicity could do for my start-up business. 

https://www.thesun.ie/news/5459242/coronavirus-in-ireland-where-to-buy-face-masks-coverings/

That evening, the article went live, and I couldn't believe how excellent it had turned out. Róisín did an amazing job! Next thing I knew my phone started pinging and kept going and going. I couldn’t believe it when I checked to see over 10 message requests from complete strangers. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. After the initial shock, I calmed down and set about organising my business in order to comply with the high demand for my products. I was able to use skills I had learned in modules like operations management, financial accounting, consumer behavior, marketing - and the list continues. The knowledge I had acquired through my degree carried me through a hectic few weeks. 

Thankfully everything is running smoothly now, and customers are sending me messages everyday to say their masks have arrived and how impressed they are with them, which obviously gives me a great feeling. I couldn’t have predicted that in the circumstances I would begin my own small business, but im grateful for the opportunity that has been given to me, and I look forward to what the future holds, but for now, it’s all about making my mark, with “Make your Mask”.

Adapting to change - 9th May 2020

What a crazy second semester we have had! Looking back, my last update was at the end of February - which seems like a lifetime ago! This post is really to fill you all in on what’s been happening in my life since then.

We were still on campus for lectures in week 6 of the second semester - I had a lot of assessments in Spanish that week, as well as a few assignments to hand in. I said goodbye to many of my classmates that Friday afternoon - little did I know that would be the last time I would see them for a long time. Then we had a reading week - which was hectic for me! I have been keeping this blog up to date on everything DCU Glee since September - and during reading week, we rehearsed for our upcoming show every day from 10am until 6 or 7 in the evening. It was so enjoyable and everyone in the cast became a lot closer as we spent so much time getting to know one another. It was such an enjoyable week full of fun and excitement - so as you can imagine, on Thursday the 12th of March when the government announced that all third-level institutions would be closing, we were gutted. The closure of the university ultimately meant that our show which was scheduled to go ahead on March 23rd in the Helix had to be cancelled. We are hopeful that we will have the opportunity to perform in the future when restrictions are eased - but for now, we are still keeping in touch via weekly zoom calls. The photo below was taken during our last rehearsal 

That weekend, I sadly had to pack up all of my belongings in my Dublin apartment and journey home to Donegal. On Monday the 16th of March we began online lectures - which was a big difference to the usual classroom setting- but thankfully I was able to adapt to the new way of learning. The help provided by the members of staff and the business faculty at DCU was amazing - the transition of going from being physically present in a lecture hall to online learning was a great success. It was difficult at first, but as soon as I structured my days, everything began to fall into place. Most of my modules changed from end of term assessments to end of term assignments, which we were given lots of time to research and prepare for. At first, the volume of assignments was a little overwhelming, but as I began to submit them, and the to-do list got shorter, it all felt a lot more manageable. All of my lecturers have been so helpful and understanding, given the challenge it has been to alter our way of learning. They have been on hand to answer emails and queries from the beginning, which has definitely benefitted students. 

One thing that I was really looking forward to was attending the DCU Clubs and Societies Awards - but thankfully, we still managed to have a great night and celebrate the achievements of many students in their extracurricular activities via a live awards ceremony on youtube. This year was DCU Glee’s first awards as an official society, and we managed to pick up an award for the best promotional video for our show.

I have to say, this time in quarantine has given me the opportunity to sit back and look at all the things I’ve achieved and accomplished in DCU in two short years - from becoming a committee member in a society, to working as a student ambassador - I am so grateful for the opportunities that the university has provided me with. I have made friends for life in DCU and I can’t wait until I can be on campus with them once again. 

So far, my Erasmus in Spain is still going ahead, and although I feel optimistic, I have told myself that everything happens for a reason - so if I have to adapt to a new way of doing an Erasmus in case of travel restrictions or other reasons, I will do that, and just take every day as it comes. In the meantime, I hope to complete some Spanish courses online in order to keep up my language skills. 

A great website I’ve come across in this time is Google Digital Garage, which allows you to complete courses online and gain certificates. I’m currently doing a certificate in Digital Marketing, which will hopefully be a new addition to my CV. A lot of them are business based, so anyone interested in studying it at university, maybe use this time to up-skill or find out about different subjects that might interest you!

https://learndigital.withgoogle.com/digitalgarage-ie/courses

Thanks for reading..

Week 5 - 24th February 2020

Semester 2 has been nothing short of crazy so far! I haven’t had a chance to log on since week 2, and a lot has happened since then!

So during week three, I received my exam results and I am delighted to say that all of my hard work in semester one paid off 😁With everything going on-track academically, my next hurdle was Erasmus!

Erasmus options opened for the students in my course ( International Business) at the beginning of week 4. Thankfully I have more good news on that front - I will be moving to Valencia on the east coast of Spain at the end of August, where I will study and live for a year. To say I am excited is a complete understatement - I can’t wait to have the beach on my doorstep and to be surrounded by the Spanish culture and language🇪🇸I’ve attached a link below of a video that shows off the beautiful city I’ll be doing my Erasmus in. There are of course lots of other destinations that DCU students travel to for Erasmus, one of my friends who is studying Business Studies International with Japanese will be moving to Japan for a year in September.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fOFm1x8yZI

In terms of modules, I am studying a Finance module for the first time - it’s very interesting but some of the calculations can be quite tricky so I’m making sure to spend some time studying that throughout the semester. My favorite module so far would have to be The Changing Consumer; a module run by our course co-ordinator who is incredibly engaging and encourages in class discussions and questions. The topic itself is a branch of marketing, and we look at how companies have to strategically plan their marketing projects to suit an ever-changing world of technology and consumer habits. 

Last week I attended the DCU Style annual fashion show, which took place in the Helix. It was an incredible night, which showcased the many talents that the students of DCU has to offer - from the stylists to the models, every aspect of the event was run in such a professional manner. The fashion on show ranged from high-street stores to vintage shops and original designers. All in all it was an excellent exhibition of creativity. There is such a great variety of Clubs and Societies here at DCU, there is really something for everyone, no matter what you’re interested in. They really are the best way to branch out and meet likewise people and most of the student body would agree, they're the starting point of many friendships that last a lifetime!

Week 2 - 3rd February 2020

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve updated the blog, so first and foremost I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on!

Before Christmas was hectic at college, with a lot of assignments due, as well as a few tests in subjects like Spanish. But thankfully everything went well!

Then January came, which meant only one thing - exams! I spent a lot of time with my head in the books after Christmas, and await my results which will be released this week!

This time of the year is incredibly busy for me, we have just started semester 2 and I’m studying a few new modules! I’m especially interested in Finance and the Consumer Behaviour module at the moment! Lecturers are beginning to hand out assignments and on top of all that, I will be choosing my Erasmus destination in a couple of weeks!

In international business, we get to do an Erasmus for our third year of university. In September I will begin studying for a year in Spain, an amazing opportunity that will help me to become fluent in the Spanish language! Some of my classmates will be traveling to Germany, France, China, and Japan to complete their year abroad. It’s such an exciting experience and will allow us to immerse ourselves in the culture of the language we study.

March is fast approaching which means only one thing for me - the DCU Glee Showcase! The cast is working very hard to learn songs and choreography at the moment. It’s going to be a hectic few weeks, but it’s good to be busy and it makes it a lot easier when you love what you’re doing!

This week was careers week in DCU. The Careers office organised lots of workshops and talks for students to help them in their career path. I attended a career resilience workshop on Monday which I found very interesting. There was also an event where professionals from LinkedIn talked about how to create a great profile that employers would be drawn towards. There was plenty going on all over campus!

Semester 1 - 2019

Open Days

The DCU Open days are taking place this Friday 15th and Saturday 16th on the Glasnevin Campus and on Saturday 16th of November on the DCU St.Patricks Campus. 

Rewind two years and I’ll take you back to my DCU Open Day experience. I travelled up from Donegal early on Saturday morning and attend the open day with my mum and a few of my friends.

I had an open mind that day, I hadn’t yet decided if I wanted to go down the business and a language route, or if I wanted to study primary school teaching.

I was able to attend talks on all the business courses I was interested in and compare them in length, whether or not they had a year abroad option, INTRA placement opportunities and the chance to specialize in the final year. I was able to talk to the head of each of the courses and find out what modules I’d be studying. The lecturers were on hand to talk to prospective students about any queries they had.

After a tour of the Glasnevin campus and the accommodation, I got the bus to the St.Patricks campus. There I attended more talks on primary education and Arts studies with languages. After talking with the lecturers in Pats that day, I decided to focus on getting the points for Business and Spanish in DCU, as they told me I could always come back after my business degree and do a masters in Teaching. I left that day with the decision that I wanted to study in DCU.

Fast-forward two years and I couldn't be in a better place. I love my course, I love living in Dublin and I love being a part of the DCU Community. When everyone tells you what’s for you won’t pass you, they're not far wrong!

So, make sure to visit the DCU Open days this weekend and have a chat with some students and lecturers if you are thinking about your next step in education. And if you see me working on Friday or Saturday, make sure to say hi 😊

Week 6 - 28th October 2019

I can’t believe how quickly the first 6 weeks of the second year of college have been - it seems like only yesterday when I was beginning my job as a student ambassador for orientation week.

I haven’t had the chance to update my blog in the past few weeks as I’ve been crazy busy between the library and lectures and social life! But thankfully I’ve got a few days off now to catch up on readings, but more importantly to relax and see my family and friends at home in Donegal

I know I’ve been talking all about DCU Glee in my last posts, so I better update everyone on that.. we have a new cast for 2019/20 and everyone is not only super-talented but so so friendly! I can’t even begin to tell you how important it is to join clubs and societies in college - I’ve made so many friends through not only Glee but the other societies I’m a member of.  So I’m back to rehearsals twice a week - if anyone's looking for me on a Monday or Thursday evening, I can be found singing around DCU!

Reading week always marks a bit of a hectic time in the semester, as there's usually a few deadlines with projects and assignments. The library gets a little busier in weeks 5 and 6 as people put their heads in the books! It’s always worth it in the end.

In other news, I got selected for the Mentorship programme that the DCU Careers office, along with the Alumni office run for second-year undergraduate students. It’s a great achievement to be selected and I’m really looking forward to finding out more about the career that I want to work towards. I have been paired with a technology consultant in Accenture, and I will meet my mentor at least once a month from now until March. When we meet, we will discuss what kind of career I might be suited to, any questions I have about technology consulting or Accenture, and in February I will participate in a work-shadow day. It’[s just one of the amazing opportunities DCU has on offer - I know I’m going to thoroughly enjoy the experience.

Finally, the DCU open days are fast approaching. On November 15th or 16th you will have a chance to come to DCU to see what it is all about. For more information and to register click here: https://www.dcu.ie/studentrecruitment/openday

Week 2 - 30th September 2019

Well, it’s all well and truly kicking off this week! The Clubs and Socs fair began on the Glasnevin campus on Monday, and with DCU Glee being a new society, we had a big push on to recruit new students to join us! The clubs and socs fair is always so exciting, it really is a great example of all the great opportunities available to DCU students - from the Drama Society to Snow-sports, there really is something for everyone!

I had a look around all of the stalls and decided to sign up to the DCU Start-Up society, in the hope that I’ll be able to learn some skills and information that will be transferable to my course.

I made my first few trips back to the library this week, after a long summer free of studying, as I had to catch up on some readings for my lectures. I learnt from last year that it’s best to hit the ground running and keep on top of the workload from the beginning - in college you need to constantly be engaged in what you’re learning.

On Thursday evening I sat in my first committee meeting for DCU Glee, where we met with our clubs officer to discuss our plans for the year. We have a meeting with all of our new members on Monday the 7th of October and auditions for the cast are also coming up next week. It’s going to be crazy!

Week 1 - 23rd September 2019

On Monday I began my second year of college here at DCU - It was a long long Summer and I am so excited for the year ahead! I was actually working during orientation last week (16th of Sept) and I can’t believe that it’s already been a year since I started my DCU journey!

I already know that my second year is going to be jam-packed, and I am really looking forward to the coming months. It’s obviously going to take a while to get used to my new timetable and also the new modules I’ll be studying this year, but I feel well ready for the challenge.

I’m studying international business with Spanish here at DCU, and this year is important for me because I want to improve my Spanish skills in preparation for my Erasmus next year, where I’ll go to Spain to study for the academic year.

It’s only week one, and I’ve already been busy with Clubs and Societies! On Tuesday DCU Drama organised an event called “ Festival of the Arts,” which displayed an array of talents that the students of DCU have to offer! I am a member of the DCU Glee Society, and a few of our cast members from last years show got together to perform in the U, our student centre, at lunchtime on Tuesday.

I also began my job as PRO (Public Relations Officer) for the DCU Glee Society. It’s my job to run the social media accounts for DCU Glee and answer any emails or messages that people have about what we do. It’s a great way to use some of the techniques I learned in some of my business and marketing lectures last year, and I’m really happy to be so involved with clubs and societies. I think it’s the best way to meet like-minded people and make friends outside of your course. It has definitely helped me gain more confidence and taught me excellent life skills.

[wakkanaidream]

“21″ questionsss

I got tagged by @deadg1rls to do a 21 questions prompt but whoever made it only put 18 in? anyway <33

Nicknames: lori is already technically a nickname for my full name, but my significant others are the only ones who call me by my full name right now. im looking forward to hearing it in like official contexts if i ever get it changed legally..but gwyn also came up with the nickname lori lemon for me lol <3

Zodiac sign: sag sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising, although i dont actually know anything abt astrology

Height: 5'9 or 10, i dont remember a solid measure from a doctor in years. the real answer is too tall, i dont know enough women who are taller than me dfhsfghsld

Hogwarts house: never read harry porter and dont really have any interest sryyyy

The last thing I googled: directions of the security office for the mall where i had to work today so i could get into the mall at 5 am (◡︿◡✿)

Favourite musicians: my gut instinct is the groups from love live bc im incapable of separating special interest shit from casual listening lol, but i also dont pay much attention to individual musicians bc i mostly listen to dance music & ive always interpreted those genres being more abt tracks and the culture overall rather than individuals who are “personalities” ig? like they certainly exist but anyway. outside of that i rly like brockhampton, joanna newsom, and rico nasty, both as musicians and when considering their music alone 

Song stuck in your head: denzel curry’s ricky bc @deadg1rls named it in her post and sierra & i just listened to zuu for the first time yesterday !

Following: 507 😶😶😶😶 been meaning to clean it out but its rly overwhelming, ive considered recreating and just following mutuals n other people whose blogs i really like. a friend recently did that n it seems appealing 

Followers: 262, most of whom came from a single post i added to lol

Do you get asks? not rly but i also dont use tumblr consistently or at peak times so. it makes sense why 😛

Lucky numbers: 117 & 9

What you’re wearing: a cami with some light lace that i wore under my uniform for the few hours i was at work today & some softtt joggers 

Dream trip: idk, somewhere my loved ones and i wont face discrimination i guess. that sounds flippant but bc of various life circumstances ive never really thought v seriously abt being able to travel

Instruments: i played saxophone in middle and high school and learned to play guitar in my last year of high school bc i had a free period! & i still need to learn DAWs or whatever i wanna use if i one day want to start spinning (talking like half metaphorically)

Languages: english native, trying to start actively learning japanese again since i had to drop out so that i can attend a language school soon & hopefully translate or interpret, maybe do smth useful with myself fhgsdfgs..also snippets of spanish, hebrew, and french. i love learning languages when i have focus & motivation though, the structure of japanese works really well with the way my brain pieces together language which is why i 

Favourite songs: im going to try to limit myself to just a few lmao, they change a lot but some that remain are in california by joanna newsom, most of jpegmafia’s veteran and singles since, also most of hannah diamond’s music (esp soon i wont see u at all), key lime og by rico nasty, ritm by µ-ziq, parallel by hiroyuki oda, & the big big beat by azealia banks

Random fact: i really want to take care of ferrets as pets once my family is in a place where we can handle them!! i loooooove ferrets theyre so good

I’m tagging ummm whoever, if u want to do it then do it n say i tagged u <333

[qdtquietdownthere]

Day 11- A day of reflecting in an art gallery and painting, glueing and giggling in the sun.

Day 11

The waking up process, if it can be called a process, is the trickiest part of the residency actually. Waking up in your own bed, in Tottenham, seeing your flatmates, talking about the day ahead. It is a different world. I have to go from that, to the tube, then be in Pimlico. To this new, yet familiar place of comfort. What is the most exhausting is this point of change and transition- waking up in the life you are used to then diving into a day of fresh, exiting, uncertainty. No one really understands whats going on, and no one really wants to listen to me describing every detail of my day. I do not think this is something I would enjoy to do either. It’s lonesome in this sense. A temporary community which no one else is experiencing. That is so special though. I feel useful, like my existence and participation means something. 

I am very aware it is ending. Second last day. I am so comfortable now.

I walk around the area following a gentle map. I have walked these streets before. The Thames, the Bridge, the view of brutal Battersea, the tiny parks and the contrasts. There are so many contrasting textures, architecture and people. An area of extreme wealth, and then a definite lack of it. I feel uncomfortable with it at points. In my favourite park which sits just behind Tate Britain I watch a very wealthy man spend half an hour with a puppy trainer and his pedigree puppy. He tells me they have traveled from Devon. There is a visible contrast when you look for it. You can maybe hear it more than you can see it. I hear coffee orders which are 3 minutes long, decaf, soy, skinny milk. At the community centre in Churchill Gardens a cup of tea will always be milk and one sugar. I wonder where I sit in this pool of people, I wonder where other people see me belonging.

CCA is based next to Tate Britain and I try to go in to see the degree show but I am told it ended last week. There aren't many students around, ever. The whole time I have been in Pimlico I haven't noticed anyone who jumped out to me as looking like a student (whatever that means). I guess they have all gone home for summer. Over the past week I have seen a few Chinese students, as I guess flying home at such a high price isn't necessarily an option for international students. I wonder about the loneliness of living in this city when your purpose of being here is to purely be a student. I did my undergraduate at Leeds and it was the loneliest time for me. Sometimes I would walk to town, to the big Boots and back, just to get out, see people and feel like I was a part of what everyone else was doing. I worked all through university but I didn't really hang out with work friends, and with a class size of 10, well, there wasn't much social life going on. I wish I had gone out more, joined societies. Even if they didn't interest me, I should have pushed myself. I was nineteen and maybe I was shy, but I think what kept me being lonely was a reluctancy to say I was lonely to anyone apart from my family and friends who all lived back home in Edinburgh. I think about the mother I met during the babies library session at Victoria Library and how she was frustrated there were no classes on for her thirteen year old son. Kids don't want to look uncool, and I think this can continue for some people into university. There is a pool of opportunity in this pool of young people who are desperate to engage in a world, but scared and uncertain how to. No one whats to stand out from the self conscious crowd of teenagers and there is opportunity in making activities which both work with, and eradicate this. 

I walk across the courtyard from CCA and find a different art show; “Observer: John Latham and the Distant Perspective”. Latham’s body of work explores derelict land outside of Edinburgh and was developed from an artist placement with the Scottish Development Agency. The three month long artist residences took place in different locations, from industrial settings such as fishing villages to a residency exploring the mental health care service (https://mapmagazine.co.uk/john-latham-incidental-person). What was the desired outcome of these residencies? Well, the hope was that by involving an artist, “his creative intelligence or imagination can spark off ideas, possibilities and actions” ultimately benefiting development projects in Scotland (Lyddon, 2007). When the committee introducing Latham to the project asked if the artist was going to solve problems, Lyddon replied “No, the artist is going to show us problems we didn't know were there”. In the end, if there is ever an end to a body of work, Latham decided to explore the area in Midlothian from an areal perspective, or ‘from the distance’. It was from this, and through interacting intensely with archival aerial photography from the area, he was able to map out distinctive land features from the shale industry and turn these into a piece of re-conceived monumental, or sculptural work. The act of doing this changes how the public interact with the local landscape. I find the work fascinating and oh so funny to have stumbled into work made in this context during my time doing the residency in Churchill Gardens. I haven't continued to read into the work of Latham, but it has brought up interesting ideas as to how perspectives of place, how history, and fresh eyes can have an impact on how individuals engage with space. I think of how my view of the streets have changed since I began engaging in the area. How the image of a street morphs the more you walk down it. How the build up of memories connected to place erode and evolve as you step away then interact with them again. I am lucky to know these streets now and I get an overwhelming sense to draw them. Once again I'm excited by the power of naming, of bringing into the spotlight, places or people to create a transformative effect on how we engage with them. As I have been unable to draw or make during my time on the residency, I have taken up naming and writing lists of names instead. My diary has one section which includes as many names I can remember from all the people I have interacted with since my time in and around Pimlico and Churchill Gardens. Drawing cements and validates a memory or idea through the act of mark making, and I believe the power of naming and writing these names validates all the connections I have had to people over the course of the two weeks. I have found this at least itches my little creative scratch. Or rather, it scratches my creative itch.

In the afternoon I return to the Thamesbank Centre to volunteer with Shambush as part of the South west festival. With children from the surrounding housing estates, Shambush are holding creative making events in local community centres to try and create a way for children to engage with art and their neighbouring communities. We work to a brief which is to design, paint and glue onto paper ‘solar panels’ these of space, which will later be put together and secured to a huge metal structure and presented as a space shuttle in the gardens of Tate Britain. For each making event a child attends in their local area, they receive a stamp on their ‘space engineer passport’. It is a fantastic idea and I find it so exciting to hear that there is an activity in place to connect these very separate housing estates which tend to never really mix. When speaking to both Shambush and the local children who come to do the making session, it is apparent that Tate Britain is another world to this community. Im not surprised. It is a twenty minute walk away, yet completely inaccessible as a cultural engagement. This is sad but a very real reality.  Fine art is most easily digested by those with the confidence to enter into the gallery space and those with the education to understand how to interact with it. 

The kids are wonderful and messy and giggly and I laugh a lot with two girls in particular. We are silly and happy and I feel in my element. I feel so lucky to be in this space making with such interesting and wonderful kids. A group of boys come over and make maths themed solar panels. One boy manages to name every dwarf planet in our solar system and I feel very stupid when I talk about the ‘fire hurricanes on Venus’ (he probably knows the scientific latin name for them). Its so great how the space works. We are outside, the sun is shining, kids come and go and there is a real sense that we are in the heart of the community. We are on Peabody estate on Tachbrook Avenue so the street is lined by beautiful tall flats. In its centre is the park which is connected to the community centre, so every flat can watch down on us. I speak to one boy who is in year 5 and he says because of the park he has lots of friends who are older and younger than him. It is a place for all ages. 

Throughout the day only two parents come and talk to us and engage with the activities. Its a shame because so often it is the parents who are cautious and scared to venture out and try new things, and go new places which ultimately gets passed down to the kids. When we age we tend to view creativity as something that we have or we don't have. The older we get the more we become aware that we can or cannot draw. The older we get the more we isolate ourselves from activities and places we don't feel comfortable, or that accentuate the fact we cant draw, or paint or act. The kids seem to want to come to Tate when we tell them their work will be shown there, but unfortunately that isn't enough, it is about the parents. Pimlico toy library was great for this, and Shelia was really passionate that she was creating a space which was confidence building for parents. This is vital. 

The children power through the activities and start getting a little bored. I suggest making some space themed origami fortune tellers. Im worried that maybe I should have asked before doing this but Shambush are lovely and energetic about getting stuck in and keeping busy. The kids seem to love it and I get a real sense of right. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel in my element. This is huge for me and something which means the world when you're at the start of a career as a young artist who is still trying to find her feet. I wouldn't have had the means to experience bringing ideas to a children's art session before this and I feel so lucky that I am in this position. I feel validated that it is met with so much enthusiasm. 

The afternoon wizzes past. The father of the two girls who I had spent a lot of time with is brought down by his carer to go to the park. From the top floor flat their mother calls them up to go and help with caring for the neighbours. They give me lots of cuddles goodbye and run off with hands covered in glue and crisps. I cant help but think about what a potentially tricky life they must have, but how wonderful and giggly they are. I wish I could meet their mother and tell her how great they have been. How great all the kids have been. I leave and have a little cry down the phone to my friend because I'm so sad it has ended. It felt pivotal for me as just me, as someone who is unsure of my next steps, of what areas of work I would like to pursue. It is because of this afternoon, and because of this residency that I have been given this opportunity and this space to gain confidence and experience in wonderful exciting and giggle fuelled roles. 

Today is one of the best days I have had. Volunteering gives the residency a whole new level as i feel I'm working as part of a service which is effecting change. This is something I have a growing need to do. Its a wonderful thing that these two great volunteering opportunities with Shambush and the food distribution with Mike happened on my last few days. I feel I am more ready for them at this stage. I think about the residency ending, but on a larger scale, I think about goodbyes. I am not very good at them. I am home and I'm writing lots, I will have vegetable ratatouille for tea and I am going to have a gin and tonic too, because the sun is shining and I am happy. Big day tomorrow. Sad day. Big day. Last day. 

[swampgallows]

blizzcon recap, basically a big stream of consciousness text dump while i still remember things and i will make a refined post later i think

Thursday morning I went to bed around 3am, woke up at 630am, and then again at 730am to board my 840am train bound for anaheim. I had originally intended to drive myself to the con but decided against it, as I didn’t want to pay $60 for parking nor endure the stress of driving on the freeway solo for the first time. 

I took a lyft to my hotel and met up with sun​ (who gave me kandi!!!) and their husband aaron, then we went to claim our badges and make some store purchases.

after feverishly texting reglei we caught sight of each other in line, got tired of waiting, then made our way to disneyland. there we met up with zach and kept missing fitze by mere moments; finally caught fitze & friends at the river belle terrace (a place i have never been in before because despite my many years of being a passholder, there was never a reason or time for a sit-down restaurant experience at disney, so when i opened the door i IMMEDIATELY closed it thinking i was intruding on a private dinner event LMAO). we knocked out everything on the western side of the park (including a fry-filled splash mountain) and got some good pics. the ride on indy was one of the best i’ve had in years: no stalling, great speed, and tons of jerks that nearly threw me out of the jeep hell yeah. perce made it to disneyland in the evening and we got to enjoy space mountain, star tours, a second round of pirates, a VERY invigorated spin on the teacups, then left at closing. zach generously dropped us all off at our individual hotels before heading out himself.

around 2am i woke up convulsing with an anxiety attack and took half a med. i was scared i had woken up sun and aaron but they were coincidentally also awake. after some talking and goofing off with them we made the very informed decision to postmates some del taco to the hotel at 3am. my god was it worth it. i had selected the “fries and secret sauce” option, unaware that these ingredients were not sides, but components to be added to the inside of the burrito. wasn’t bad!

7am wake up for day 1 of the con. met for “breakfast” with perce and reg at the hilton starbucks, which said that they accepted rewards but then didn’t :| i sincerely dont even remember what we did first as everything in the con was so purely awesome and overwhelming. The opening ceremony brought tears to my eyes, of course, as it displayed “WELCOME HOME” on every stage. We mostly just traveled around the con, taking pics, learning the layout, and mentally digesting everything. We attended the VA panel in the early afternoon which was a GREAT decision (no spoilers if you haven’t watched the virtual ticket stream yet!!!) and then made our way to the main stage, where we parked for a good 5-6 hours for the WoW and HotS “What’s next?” panels, then the following WC3 reforged insight panel and, finally, the entire community night. i really want to make sure i grab clips of some of darin de paul’s mcing that night because the man was sawing at my heartstrings like a viola bow. i got very close to crying many times. have no fear put on another amazing performance—this time a wow track called “war mode”—and won the talent contest! we had the privilege of running into them after the performance to congratulate and get some pics w them. i also met up with hinz who i haven’t seen in forever and we got to talk about his brewing and the con! had blaze pizza for dinner then passed out.

breakfast at coco’s for day 2 of the con, this time with sun and aaron in tow. all i needed was hot cocoa and a slice of dark chocolate chip cheese pie. it was...so goddamn good. we started off the con with the warcraft sounds panel featuring the zone of drustvar and concluded with some great performances by david arkenstone and the tavern band. they performed the zandalari zocalo music and bloodsail, an old favorite! we puttered around the darkmoon faire until the build-a-panel featuring zone design in warcraft but couldn’t hear anything due to the acoustics of the stage, so i left to pick up my blink purchases with fitze. there i met a girl wearing kandi and traded with her; she gave me a rubber bracelet from a podcast she’d attended called ‘pwncast’ that reads ‘we bow to no one’ which is VERY garrosh. other than that we had a grand old time of waiting in a line we didnt have to wait in and then made our way back for the warcraft Q&A. the second i saw metzen i immediately screamed with awe and terror and then sobbed into my lap. perce and reg comforted me, and the rest of the panel was fairly uneventful. I think i was the one human being who shouted ‘woo!’ at the scott johnson’s mention of his interviews with metzen, lol. we were waiting for meggo to have a chance to ask her question but she didn’t get the opportunity :(

after the q&a we went over to the unofficial tumblr meetup organized by questifer which was a huge privilege and a lot of fun, and we even made some new friends. i spilled my spaghetti about garrosh to actual blizzard quest developers and im very embarrassed that i did. lmao. i really liked the casual atmosphere of just chilling on the floor though. fitze had to leave halfway through :( but the quest discussion went on for almost 2 full hours. it was really a humbling opportunity.

by that time, the closing ceremonies were underway. reg and i missed out on the hots finals so we just bummed around the overwatch arena for a bit just to see the thing and catch a few minutes of kristian nairn’s set. again, cool stuff, but nothing i can go nuts to lmao. it’s questing music to me. on our way out of the hots stage i ran into a dude wearing KIKWEARS and gave him kandi!! it was awesome lmao. we spent some ducats at the darkmoon faire, but the real prize was won as we were walking out and scored the literal actual absolute last three available boxes of lucio-ohs!!! mine had a hole punched in it so we ate a bit of it before returning to blaze pizza for dinner again. the cereal tastes like lucky charms to me! it’s very sweet, but good!

sunday morning perce, reg, and i secured a breakfast at dennys. when i went up to pay the check i saw the cashier was wearing a piece of kandi and i had the perfect piece for her, the “short stack” piece with the pancake eraser. she traded me the one piece she was wearing (!) which said ‘insomniac’ (obv haha). i made that kandi a while ago and it feels like it was fate for this moment to arrive. reg and perce and i all parted ways back to our individual hotels. i was just chilling in the lobby when i saw a woman wearing kandi, so i went over and introduced myself. she traded me a piece that said mermaid on it, due to my “mermaid hair” :> we started talking about phat pants and she said her daughters now wear the pairs she used to wear! and the kandi she chose was the “a book for ants” with the miniature bible on it, as she found it appropriate for her halloween “christian protest” where she blasted tchami and malla and had a totem that encouraged ‘sinners’ to dance with her, lol.

i excused myself for the restroom and she invited me to “come back and hang out!” so i did!! and when i returned the group was playing a fun card game called chameleon. and have no fear was playing with them!! daniella, one of the performers from the talent contest (they sang the song about vanilla wow), had also joined us. so i got to play the game with a few members of the group and made some new friends, leigh (who gave me kandi) and jaime/ace, who i talked to about old school raving and kandi for a bit. there was a point where everyone but ace went up to the room for their luggage so it was just the two of us sitting there talking, and a pair of guys came up to us holding some merch. “Do you guys want these? we bought too many loot crates.” i was stunned!! they handed me a shadow plush and a clip-on ganymede to ace.

when they all returned, they were trying to plan what to do next, and i told them i had to grab a lyft and start heading to the train station. leigh offered me a ride there!!! i really felt PLUR for the first time in ages, lmao. we all hugged each other and said our goodbyes.

arriving at the train station, i ran into other blizzcon people and we talked about wow the ENTIRE ride home. for the first leg of the journey it was a super full train and we all had to stand but it was okay. we were all enthusiastically talking about wow with zero awkward pauses or any points of contention. it was so amazing just thriving on each other’s hype. at one point another person on the train said “do you guys play this game or MAKE this game?” because we were talking about it in such detail LOL. we all traded battletags before i had to go. it felt really amazing to be able to just literally talk to strangers about something i love and have such an amazing conversation like that. it felt so awesome to just be connecting to people so deeply all the time. 

im going to try to preserve the memory of being able to connect to people like that, as i came home and felt isolated and disconnected from everything again. i want to keep riding the coattails of this positivity as long as i can so i’m not going to go into the details of that. a lot of us really felt we could come out of our shells; i kept stressing how “safe” blizzcon was; with all of the focus i’ve been making in therapy on vulnerability, connection, isolation, and the need to feel worthy of being loved, i want to keep these memories at the forefront while i try to forge a better future for myself.

i really hope i can go again next year!

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

I Wonder....

Hologram- The Technicolors plays in the background.

What race did i think i was in all this time? It was like this perpetual reminder constantly nagging me in my head...

what your 18 better not be singe for long-

 better go to college and forget about boys

- better get a degree and make lots of money

...married at 22 no degree - 

better excel in your career and climb the corporate ladder. 

hours of work and devotion 

BUT wait, dont work too hard you gotta have kids before your 30

what about an apartment- 

how about a trailer- 

how about a HOUSE. 

.. First son at 27- 

turning 30 at the end of this year. where did the time go?

...together for 11 years, married for 7 years, a 2 year old , a house, a dog, two cars.

i did exactly what i wanted to do in life.   i suppose.

don’t get me wrong i probably would seem obnoxiously ungrateful if i didn’t just stop there and say THANKS.

beautiful son. gorgeous husband.

the list goes on-  everything ive set my mind to in the past decade i have made come true.

NOW WHAT

i had this alarm in my head that i had to do “all this before 30″ why?? health reasons? statistic reasons? rumors? stories, why?

i feel like im rounding the last bend to a marathon i didnt even ask to be in? (or did i??!)

i think throughout my hussle and bussle (although i DID have SOME fun) i got lost in it all. I quickly entered the world of being 18 shattered battered and...engaged? positive that the love i was about to receive would catapult me into everything id ever needed.  (i guess it sorta did.)   career driven. beautiful. man on my side. ring on my hand “livin life” literally just climbing any career ladder i could- i had my “husband” as my cheerleader at my side. HUSBAND guys would say- “you’re to young”. yeah i got that ALOT. going to 21st birthday parties as the only married girl there. WHO WAS I.  we took married and young by the horns. i was so driven. you get over whelmed by the freedom. naturally you fall into some sort of rhythm because nice things cost money, and time just passes as you work and watch your work pay off. you feel accomplished. i was sure i saw my career in site and one would assume this WAS IT. this was the magic they talked about- enjoying your 20s- having a career u love- being MARRIED and secure. perfect...................

we were... the first couple to have an apartment. (so; big parties- no rules *rolls eyes)  we had a”wedding” so we had all these lovely gifts and things to lavish ourselves with in our first apartment. THE DREAM right?  just working and living and having fun. we traveled alot,, camped- we had big dreams to always be “like this” forever. in a moment (5 years into the beautiful maddness actually) we were sure we needed to materialize this power we had. this “love” we had needed to be a thing, a thing we wanted to nurture and bless and carry with us on our adventures. we had so much love we were ready to see what we could grow. (and grow it did- we had JP) 

the first year was hard- a new dynamic...we werent 2 anymore we were 3. and all of our decisions had a larger precaution. we wanted different things. rooted things. more stability. more direction. the air was different.

i was different.

i had put my career aside in my mind to concentrate on.on being something that something ELSE would flourish and grow beautifully in (um literally?) KIDS. i will be the first to tell you, kids were not on my radar (i just never saw myself as a kid person, i never understood the look parents give their little humans time after time- it confused me- it scared me i guess. it was just foreign.) till... i put allllll other thoughts aside. most definetly my first act of unconditional unselfish love. “hey self, we are about to give up our entire self to producing another human being” everything you smell eat touch. EVERYTHING. its like...well its like nothing youve ever gone through before until youve gone through it. we are fuckin amazing..the body can do some fuckin shit. COMPLETELY change in order to make this THING ... HUMANS and yeah. real hearts and lungs and little legs (oh and the hiccups, the awesome hiccups)

PHysically and mentally you go through some shit and although that may have been obvious to some- most??? it was not for me.

Mount Everest- Labrinth.

its just alot. im already not the best mentally- so to add this new function. emotional bandwith overload papi.

first its like 2,000 percent mom over load. YOU ARE A MOM and this teeny tiny creature needs you. NEEDS you. a need you thought you knew BUT YOU DO NOT. its this overwhelming warming beautiful amazing thing, the need a kid has for their parents. (i was IN IT- DEEP in IT)   IN love wasnt even the world. i do not loveeeee my son. my son IS LOVE. i can not explain it. but you get mentally rewired. i am not the girl i was before, im just not. 

i no longer wanted the career i had before. i no longer even wanted the LIFE i had before. i wanted more of this drug my son was giving me. this surreal daydream of laughs and kisses and just moments. time literally passes differently now. i see things differently now,  i feel things differently now. things have so much different meaning. i swear its as if im stuck in some molly, acid, shroom trip.

i feel like someone lit a fire to my soul and everything i touch now is illuminated differently.  when a person is growing inside you you can feel their heartbeat. you can feel the brush of their leg as they roll over to get comfortable. life has different meaning. LOVE has different meaning. love darling is caring you for 9 months and waiting with baited breathe for a stranger youve created. its a smell youve never smelled before and instantly is your favorite. its like you were never comfortable before they fell asleep in your arms, youve never known true peace until their skin was comfortable by yours. ITS PURE MAGIC .  i was different.  

some of the things i loved before, i- was confused about now. 

Love was different for me now,

how i wanted to give love.

how i wanted to receive love.

like a perpetual darkness was lifted from my eyes.

Wash.-Bon Iver

Im sorry i didnt know it would change ME. (im sorry about how cliche that sounds..)

from the moment i was little. it was go to school. get good grades. to go college. find a nice boy. get married. move in together, start a family- live happily ever after

but they leave out the nitty griddies. (even my own parents were divorced. who was anyone kidding) the years following our marriage all we heard about was how divorce was at its all time high. we vowed (among other things) that , that wouldnt be us. we both came from homes and divorce and we didnt want that for us. 

i think it was then that divorce became this ugly word. scary word. bad word.  i mean it is though..right?...

verb

1.legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone)

2.separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

we got married because. well im sure for different reasons?

i got married because,( it was what i was suppose to do?). you find someone you love and are attracted to and if your lucky enough to have them feel the same way- you... marry them. and thats that.you cant have kids or live with someone who you arent married too (said the stigma of my parents and those around me)  i mean i know theres more to it then that but a brief outline? leaving out all the mooshy stuff. you make this feeling legal, you change some names and now your not only emotionally reliant on this person but basically reliant on them for every fuckin single thing else too (basically).

marriage is beautiful.  if your lucky enough to find your soul mate in this world. someone who just gets you and enjoys your company and wierdness then your blessed and you would probably want to spend the rest of your existence with this person.  i mean it makes sense. 

its just as i’ve developed into this next stage of myself, ive made each of my actions have more purpose (i do this because everthing i do my son now sees and its just different now) howww i do something- what i say. i just think about it all and that includes the things i was naturally doing before that i never thought of.

marriage.  do i love my sons father yes. hes attractive and im attratced to him. hes funny and knows just how to make me laugh. its the little things. how he makes JP laugh or when their doing snuggles in his bed. how my son says Dada when hes upset or how he looks just like him. before my love for my husband was an array of things from love to lust- obsession. all the best and worse of love. we were inseparable. engulfed in each other in EVERY way, i knew we were in love and so did everyone around us. 

and then my son was born.

JP....i dont think you have to marry someone to show them how much you love them. i think true devotion starts with intention and your soul mate will know by your actions where your true feelings are.always be true. always be kind. i think if you want to love someone- love them fully, respectfully and unconditionally. learn and grow with them and from them and continue to make each other better people. and in that time you find your spark ignites another i employ you to indulge in meeting new people and new interactions. Make your heart full if you feel it hurting.  not bonded by anything physical but truly understanding that you were meant to love. REALLY LOVE. and maybe thats with one person forever, or a series of different people through out your life time in so many different and amazing ways. boys, girls.. just loving people and sparking the light in them only YOU can ignite. and becoming your best self.  only to continue to become your best self with that same intention for others. 

and thats my truth.   i look into your eyes and just want the best for you.knowing that’s different for you as it is me. but realizing i want to live by the example i want you to live by.

.... im not her anymore.

the day you were born i became someone new. 

[mbergen]

In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.  This is one of them. Carrie Ann. She has a Very Special Story to tell. Tammy and Carrie met at Kindred Hospital in Peoria, and then they both worked for awhile at IVCH in Peru Illinois. Carrie is a Travel Nurse and her specialty is OB, Labor and Delivery. Carrie’s Day 1 of 21 started on March 28 2020. She is staying at the New Yorker in Manhattan and working at Jacobi Medical Center in the Bronx. This is so heart wrenching to read her posts. But she is telling how it is. These are story’s that should be told. Their are some doubters out their that just don’t realize what is truly going on in this world with this virus. The people in the New York City are fighting for survival. We need to know what these nurses and doctors and all personal are going through to help these people daily, …..and you might wonder…. why do they do it?…..It’s because they feel the need to help. They are answering the call that they are trained for….It’s their LOVE OF LIFE AND PEOPLE. So in this blog I will copy the words directly from Carries FB site…..These will all be her words……Preserved for us all….

So Lets Follow her for her 21 days fighting Covid-19 in New York City

CarrieAnn is at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. March 27 at 9:57 AM · Chicago, IL ·

I’ve said it before .. being a nurse isn’t what I do, it’s who I am. It’s not always a choice, it’s a calling, sometimes you don’t even understand it yourself. So in the words of my little brother, Im going to “bring my ass home”, but for now, let’s do this New York

Jacobi Medical Center

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:39 PM ·

Day 1. Jacobi Medical Center. I’m overwhelmed and proud to be part of this group of nurses. Ps didn’t post this morning.

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:52 PM ·

So I’ve decided I’m going to do something I don’t normally do, and I’m going to post about my days while I’m here..as much as I can by the time I make it to the end of the day. And it’s not going to be your average sugar coated filtered Facebook bs, I’m going to be raw and honest about what is happening here. Unfriend me now if you don’t want to know. Day 1 started with some uncertainty because it’s the first day. No one really knows what they’re doing. A bus shuttles us from the hotel to the hospitals we are assigned to. There was a group of us on our first day so we had a day of hospital orientation before heading to the floors tomorrow. While waiting at the elevators to go up to education the nurse escorting us answered her phone and started crying, asking the person to repeat what they’d just said.. then cried out, and sobbed. She walked away then came back and told us one of their educators just died from corona. On the bus back to the hotel at the end of Day 1 and I receive a text from a newer nurse, I think she’s been a nurse 4 years, she’s young, a lovely girl, and she was assigned to Elmhurst. She just got on her bus, and this is what her Day 1 will look like. PLEASE PRAY.

Mar 29 at 8:59AM

Day 2 in NYC. I am still at Jacobi Center and I’m in Labor & Delivery where we still have plenty of supplies.

The text from my friend about her first night at a different hospital.

“ER -one nurse taking care of FIVE intubated “sedated” possible positive covid patients. five to one, he was just running around trying to keep a BP going. they are out of ALL supplies… they’re out of pumps!? they had fentanyl/levo/propofol gtts with no pumps. they were titrating by the roller clamp. maxed out on vent settings, with sats in 70-80s and they were happy with that sat. patients coding every couple minutes. it’s a 50 bed ER, and they have over 200 patients in there right now. patients just stacked on top of each other and having to move stretchers around to just reach a patient in the back row. they made a tent morgue outside of the ER and it’s full already.”

Feeling thankful beyond words for my assignment today, and praying this nurse has peace in her heart and mind this morning when she lays down to sleep. Even just for a few hours. ♥️

March 29 at 9:08PM

Today I got my assignment, and thanked God above my whole walk to the labor and delivery unit. That group of nurses were so appreciative -so thankful that we’re here to help- I’ve never felt so appreciated walking onto a shift. They took me in as one of their own made me feel welcome and did not miss an opportunity to thank me, all day long.

The TV in the break room runs between ABC NBC CNN and Fox news all day long, trying to keep up with the latest with Covid while managing our patients.

Employees at the hospital were picketing outside the emergency room and I’m not even really sure why… The biggest complaint I hear is about having to use the N95 masks for a week before we can get a new one. They gave out small brown paper bags, like a lunch bag, to store it in.

The labor and delivery unit is dated, and not well laid out. The cabinets are falling off hinges with long mismatched screws holding them on, and there is paint chipping off most of the corners of walls, and along the ceilings. But it doesn’t change the overall feeling of optimism on this unit, and in the midst of everything going on all around us, we had a delivery of a healthy baby girl today.

Every nurse that got on the bus wore her day on her face, some spoke it in words, some look defeated. One cried. We talked about our day.. the good, and the bad, then finished the bus ride back with our acapella rendition of Joe Diffys John Deere Green. RIP Joe

March 30 at 7:02PM

Day3. Today I learned why Mondays get a bad rap. New York hospitals did that. It doesn’t matter how experienced or strong of a nurse you think you are, you’re not ready for this. I got there, took my assignment in triage, and the door didn’t stop revolving. Within the first hour all the triage beds were full and there was a line waiting. Some were belligerent and cussing demanding to be seen, some were tearful, all were scared. Everyone’s wearing masks and complaining of how hot they are. Management is visible, on the floor working, asking what you need, how they can help.

These women are coming in alone, leaving their husbands, sisters, moms- whoever brought them- in the waiting room as they are assessed and treated. If they stay they can have one support person, no trading off- ONE person, per patient, per stay…. WHEN THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. Or when they’re not. Some of these girls are miscarrying, or having a threatened miscarriage, and they have to pick the one person that can sit next to them, hug them, tell them it’s going to be okay. One person. Because of this virus. Oh, and when they do deliver, dad gets one hour to bond then they have to leave .. til mom goes home.

Covid in pregnant women is a hard thing to look at. She’s struggling to breath and her 02 sats are in the 70-80s. Do you know how much oxygen that means her baby is getting? She went to ICU. I didn’t have time to check and see how she was doing after she left our floor.

I also didn’t have time to eat, drink, or pee. I can feel my heartbeat in my feet after sitting down for 10 minutes on this bus, and don’t even feel sorry for myself because I had more help than the night shift I just left.

March 31 at 9:27PM

I wasn’t going to post words tonight, but just a picture. If you haven’t seen it, this isn’t some professional National Geographic wait for the perfect poignant shot picture. It’s a snapshot, taken with a phone, by a nurse, here, in New York City.

But then…

Ive always been a believer of “to each their own”. I’ve never had a hard time respecting someone’s opinion or beliefs without agreeing with them myself. And then today I find myself typing out the words “you’re a fucking idiot” in response to a strangers comment on a friends post. A stranger. Going on and on about how this virus is a hoax. Well-?! .. is he..? an IDIOT?? Are people that fn STUPID? I just hope..these individuals don’t end up with the virus themselves and need the medical attention and treatment from one of these doctors or nurses that read that shit. Because I think, for the first time in my life I would walk on by.

April 5 at 7:05 PM

Day 5 was mixed. I am sore and I am tired. My back hurts from being on my feet for 15 hours a day, and there are open spots on the back of both my ears from wearing a surgical mask over the N95, to try to make it last longer. You end every day with a headache from the tightness and pressure of the N95 on your face all day. We have two rooms just dedicated to corona virus rule outs on Labor and Delivery, and we are going to ICU to do fetal monitoring for positive moms. We constantly weave in and out of ambulances on the way to and from the hotel. I’m not complaining.

I was present and praising God at the beginning of 2 new lives today. The OB charge nurse called the 4 of us crisis nurses together n she stood up and told us that when she saw on the news that nurses were coming from all over the country to help in NY, she was emotional and touched. When she heard her hospital was getting 200 nurses, she was excited. But when we walked onto her unit to work, she couldn’t believe it. She thanked us with a sincerity that was raw and I will never forget.

Across town my friend Sid had a different day. When she text me I put my phone down and cried. You don’t even have to be there to feel the terror of that shift. Its not plateaued, and it’s not slowing down. Again, she is not at the same hospital I am.

****five codes… they all die. staff is so so rude and unhelpful. it’s such a toxic environment. my patient was one of them at 0630. my vent stopped working because it’s a damn portable and he’s been on it for three days. they refused to get him another one and said that they had to save them for other patients… I bagged him for a good 30-45 minutes without a peep valve and of course he started to decompensate. it was me and a resident and nobody would help, he coded and died. the bus has left me. I have to wait for a van to come get me. we are reusing code carts over and over, we have no oxygen on the unit, the low oxygen alarms are going off, we are out of sedation, we’re using pediatric pulse ox’s… i’m doing things that are just going against my morals and it’s so hard to see how these patients are going down. I do not think covid is killing these people, it’s the lack of staff, education, equipment and resources…. *****

And so now there’s that.

Oh, and my other friend here, that I came with, she was in the ER today, positive.

CarrieAnn April 3 at 8:07 PM ·

On day 7, the Midwest is looking really good. After a week here, working nonstop, you’re a different person. I miss home, miss my kids and I miss my husband, Joshua, who tried everything from arguing to pleading with me not to go-because he was worried about my health-but has been indescribably supportive, and encouraging me every day. I love you. Im irritable and emotional. Tears fell out of my eyes and right down onto my patients bed yesterday as I’m leaning over her doing all the things when we lost fetal heart tones. That’s not how I nurse, and has nevvver happened. I just couldn’t help it. The feeling of impending doom is heavy. There are numerous morgue trailers, morgue tents, and mobile morgue trucks all over the city. Ambulances constantly speeding by, lights on, horns blaring. Don’t miss the view from my patients labor room below. The hospitals here have now started ethical triage. That’s when families are simply told there are no ventilators to save your family member. Do they need a ventilator to survive? Yes? Then roll them over there to die. People over 65 have been denied ventilators to give it to a younger person who has a better chance. WHAT-? Many healthcare workers here are writing their last will and testament. New York has now initiated orders that first responders cannot transport people to hospitals if they cannot be revived on the field. They just don’t…even…take…them.  Can you imagine, in our country, calling 911 because your wife can’t breath and they won’t even put her into the ambulance? Thousands of nurses, nurse practitioners and doctors have come to New York, and are risking their lives to help. NO ONE knows how they will respond to the virus..you may be okay, you may die. All you have to do is stay home. Or you could be standing in the emergency room hearing “I’m sorry but we don’t have a ventilator for your wife/son/daughter.” No bullshit. How bout the NYFD though, greeting nurses for our shift 🙌🏼❤️

.

CarrieAnn April 5 at 10:07 AM ·

Yesterday was day 8, and it was the closest representation of a “normal” day in labor and delivery. I had a 1:1 mag patient that I was able to give the appropriate amount of attention to, and I didn’t feel like running off the floor once. I’ve gotten a lot of support and kindness from the staff nurses here, and that makes a huge difference. There are 2 covid+ moms on the unit- these women are SICK- and we sectioned a mom that was in ICU because her oxygen was in the 80’s, and although she resisted having a c/s all day, insisting God would get her through it, her body couldn’t win out over the strain the virus was putting on it. Her baby was born alive and went to NICU.. but this unit continues to focus on life and beginnings. It’s upbeat- a small little bubble of happiness compared to the rest of this city. I also received a package from the best best friend, Lynn, with more “stuff” I couldn’t live without! Shaina, you’re a special kind of person, and I’ll never forget the N95s you had for yourself, but sent to me instead. ♥️ So I’ll use this opportunity to share some pics I’ve taken since I’ve been here..none too exciting, no touristy or cool things that one would want to see on their first trip to New York, but New York nonetheless.

Madison Square Garden

New Yorker, Carries Hotel

CarrieAnn April 5 at 3:02 PM ·

Live♥️ NYFD here showing love to the health care workers!

CarrieAnn Munson April 6 at 9:38 AM ·

Day 9….Yesterday was my 9th day in a row working in New York City. The NYFD came to Jacobi and showed the nurses and docs some love, and that was cool. L&D was slow so I was floated to PEDS, which isn’t pediatrics at all anymore. It’s now an adult med-surg with double occupancy rooms. Practically every patient is covid positive or covid rule-out. The stream of admissions literally doesn’t stop and I heard the charge nurse say I’m at maximum capacity now so what do I do- put 3 in a room? The mood is still upbeat. This charge nurse was joking and laughing, trying to keep his nurses light and moral high. One of the nurses in my group got onto the bus tearful, saying she lost one of the patients she’s taken care of since we arrived here. A 38 year old man, who left his wife and 10 year old son, and died alone because of quarantine. The things etched in our minds eye and memories are hard to explain in words, you just can’t understand it without seeing it. The people who are really sick go from bad to worse quickly, and recovery, if at all, is very slow. The few people that do get extubated, are still 100% dependent on BiPAP. For those who are intubated, more than half are on very strong medications to keep their blood pressure up. And still many of them are dying anyway, despite our best efforts. The most tragic part, is that they are alone. Staff uses their iPhones regularly so that families can use FaceTime to see their person one last time, and say goodbye. There are videos people are taking suggesting that the situation in New York is not as bad as the media projects. I don’t have the time to watch all the news right now, and I can agree that the streets, even around the hospitals, are not crowded. However, that is NOT an accurate depiction of where actual patient care is being provided. At least in Queens, and the Bronx.. even Manhattan, every department that cares for the critically ill is stretched way beyond normal capacity. I have been working with nurses and physicians, anesthesiologists, general surgeons, gynecologists, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and nurse anesthetists, all of whom have been stepping in to do their best to function as intensive care and/or emergency medical providers. In the emergency room, there literally is no more room for additional stretchers, and those less ill are sitting in chairs, for hours and hours. This pandemic is real. The severity, which luckily doesn’t seem to impact the majority, is devastating for the minority. Please- distance yourself from others. Act like you have it, and everyone who doesn’t live with you has it too. You may get Covid, you may not. You may get really sick, you may not. But you could be the reason someone else does, without ever knowing.. and some of them are DYING. Dying with no family member there in their final moments…and that would be much worse than missing out on time with your friends, or not eating in your favorite restaurant.

CarrieAnn  April 7 at 8:24 PM ·

Day 10….Yesterday was day 10. My friend was woken by a call on her room phone from the NYPD, saying there was a complaint against her and she needed to come to the police station for questioning. The officer told her he didn’t want to embarrass her so he would give her time to shower, and she could wear her street clothes (not scrubs) down to the lobby where he would meet her in 40 minutes, walk her out and cuff her before putting her into his car. She called home to fill them in and was told to call the police station back and ask questions. She learned that no officer had called her, no complaint had been filed against her, and no officer was coming to pick her up to take her to the police station for questioning. She notified our company who quickly made arrangements to move her, and make her non-registered. They are also making frequent checks on her. So not only are we fighting the virus, lack of sleep and hot meals, long hours on our feet, homesickness, death in our faces…. now we have to worry about abduction, or worse. W. T. F. Today was my 11th day working in New York. It was a good day. I was just a labor nurse, it was a nice pace, with wonderful fellow nurses, and a good delivery. God is present, and He is good. I am tired, and homesick, He knew I needed a day like this.

CarrieAnn April 9 at 6:04 AM ·

I have NO WORDS for the overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation to each and every one of you- and I know who you are- that took the time out of your day -and money out of your wallet- to send me something here in New York to make my time easier. I’ll never forget it. ♥️♥️♥️

CarrieAnn  April 9 at 7:03 PM ·

Day 13….Today was my 13th day here. Today we also had military nurses arrive at the hospital and assigned to the floor. It is an actual deployment for them. Today I started my shift counting the codes paged overhead, and just realized I stopped counting at 11, hours ago. Today we started swabbing all patients admitted to labor, regardless if they show symptoms or not. Have any of you had this done?..or seen it done?… if you haven’t yet, go ahead and search a video. The swab goes up your nostril all the way back, to your throat. Thrrroaat. Their eyes water and they try to stall, some women push the providers hands away over and over..and then they swab the other side. I miss home, and it feels so much longer than 2 weeks. But I have so much love and support from home..thanks again to all of you that sent me care packages, you can’t know how much of a difference it makes. And this unit continues to make each of us one of their own, embracing us more every day, with endless thank you’s. I still feel healthy, with no signs of illness, so I won’t be whining or complaining.

This is Carrie’s first 13 days.  It is so hard to comprehend as we just sit here every day waiting for the days to pass.  We see it on the news, but the reality does really have the full impact unless you know someone who is fighting the fight……Part 2 will follow her to DAY 21

Part 1….Carrie in New York….Tammy’s Friend….Coronavirus In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.

[kappasigmalife]

Desolate Caladium: Chp 4 Is this love or war?

Desolate Caladium: Chp 5

Is this love or war?

Callum had been very distant since he kissed me, all he does is keep to himself while were living out in the cabin, hes rebuilt the wall and stayed out for odd hours of the day only coming home at night. When he kissed me, he said he may love me, im so confused, its like theres multiple sides to him at every turn, the stoic, the loving, and the violent. I wish I could help him through this but I have no idea what goes on in a mages head. Evelyn said that the main problem comes from his lack of control over mana as a mage, but training for five years under a master should of helped him.  This had only happened one time before when he and trev were out in the woods hunting and he got hurt while callum was looking for food. A beast came out of nowhere and callum just snapped breaking its neck in cold blood. She was watching from afar and saw the look in his eyes that told her to stay behind or she may be the next victim. I knew a simple hug wouldn’t help him snap out of the rage, it was something we had to watch and see. The more I think about it the more I notice that I do care about him. When we watched the snow he pulled away from me saying he was sorry for kissing me.

“its not something I can control, I don’t know what I feel anymore, all I know is I feel the need to help you every chance I get.” “then stay with me, your going to do the best you can.” “and what if I am the one to hurt you next”

That made me think all over again what It meant to hurt another person, weve traveled and hid for a long time since the death of the king, and were running out of money. Callum works day in and day out, never sleeping and trying to keep up the energy just to live. He visits Alfin and evelyn in the hospital repeatedly looking for the need to apologize but cant do a damn thing about it. Alfin wants a rematch but callum wont stand for it while hes recuperating. The madness I see in his eyes is nothing but a trivial matter in that state, it’s the power he unleashes that comprimises the sanctity of safety. Evelyn visits me in the day to talk and wants to travel with us in spring as a group considering none of us are capable of being on our own.

“its for the best desmond, were not here for any other reason but to survive in this bout of life.” “doing so will keep us in less danger, so please understand that I need to run this by callum.” “of course he will fully give support on a yes or no, but please we don’t have much time to spare.”

“I know and I will talk to him as soon as I can evelyn, its just he doesn’t seem to wanna talk anymore” “I know desmond, he must be sorting his feelings out, im sure he will be back to normal soon.” over the days going by, evelyn has shown me how to fight with the sickle and even sparred with me a few times, while I am still a novice I will learn to get better. She even made a chain for me to use as a long range weapon and got me a grip so my hand doesn’t get shredded. It was nice of her as I know with alfin in the hospital he wont be much help around so offering her food and a place to talk is fine with her. She does seem a bit worried of both of her friends and doesn’t seem to talk about trev as much as everyone else claims to talk about him as well. She says its cuase hes always distant and would normally just hang out with callum more often than not, but that might be cause they come from similar backgrounds and they saw each other as friends through commonality. Trev was the one who joined him during his training as a guard in case things went south.  She said he was always a man after money and almost got callum expelled cause he was taking payment for guard duty of other mages despite it being against the schools rule of compensation.

Elsewhere in the kingdom, trev appears before a group of elders about his performance. He has been wanted for taking payment against orders and may face expulsion from the knights guard for it. The council perceives him as a threat due to his heritage and bloodline, being a vampire is bad enough but a orc dwarf mix is unheard of even in peasant families.

“dear trevant, why do you think its fine to take wares from those you work under as a job.” “to make a living, nothing more nothing less, I find no need to not accept a payment for a better job.”

“we found the pendent in your quarters, is this what you accepted as payment from that wanted murderer?” “I accepted the pendant as a gift from caladium when he left for training before I was sent over, a personal gift from a friend and comrade, nothing more.” “you think we will fall for that garbage, you let a murderer live regardless of the orders, high treason is what you committed, hence forth the elders have decided to exile you not only from the knights guard but from the kingdom entirely.” “fine with me this place was getting to hectic for my taste anyway, just another group of old folk looking to take down a new generation of progressive movement, heres my weapon and badge, im keeping the armor.” “be sure you will be escorted this evening outside the gate, wehre you go from there is your own issue.” “well thank goodness, I thought id be still here begging for mercy.”

Trev is led out to the citys outskirts and led away from the guards. As he looks back he shrugs his shoulders and shoulders his svardstav looking to the north. He recounts that he is happy to be done with being a knight as he found it too bothersome to save anyone based on an order and many of his so called targets were innocent bystanders, who happen to have crap loads of money. Reaching into his satchel he notices how much money hes got.

“thank you caladium and your magic stash.” trev walks down the dirt path as the snow begins to fall looking upwards he decides to head north before the holiday rush begins, knowing full well being alone on holidays is quite a pain in the ass. He traveled to a small lodging taking a black horse and leaving a small sack of gold in its pen stealing one of the swords from the mans armory and hauling off to the north.

I never thought much of the fact that callum was focusing on himself until it donned on me that he doesn’t have anyone to fight on even footing, at least without going crazy. His fight with trev showed me how skilled he is but also how far hes willing to go for the sake of saving his friend. i see the look in his eyes knowing full well he wont be around all the time for us and that the token of giving up a priceless artifact just to save our lives was not to taken lightly. He came to me for the first time in a few days asking if I wanted to go out to the trade market and shop around. Despite the lack of money, he wanted to get out of the woods and enjoy ourselves for once before the tourists pile in. evelyn chose to stay behind and wait for alfin to fully recover, I promised to get her a new coat as her royal one will remain to conspicuous against finding areas to hide out. I notice though that even as we walked, callum was quiet as ever but was at least smiling at me for the least.

“evelyn been teaching you well, your steps are quieter than before, and your getting more fit.” “well yeah more so im happy that your finally talking to me.” “I know, ive been thinking about what I did and how I either acted stupidly or if it truly was for the best I did it.”

“you didn’t have to do it you know, you didn’t have be kiss me like you needed to prove something.” “well it was an heat of passion, I was blinded by emotion and thought that maybe I had some feelings spilling out, but that wasn’t the case.”

He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to one of the shops, it was an apothecary that had rare herbs and minerals from far off lands. As I gazed around I could feel the energy was pure and whimsical to say the least. Callum had wanted this to be special for me, so he called in a favor from his friends outside the kingdom to make up for being so distant. In the back he set up a special meal for us with my favorite food. He lit the candles using magic and tossed a sphere to create an artificial moon over us. The night went on for hours as we enjoyed out meal and attempted to move past the  problems that we were facing with new comrades and the guards after us.

“never in my life would I feel safer than with you.” “no matter how far one of us goes, the other shall follow til the very end.” “despite the time, I feel as though we knew one another once before.” “that might be the case, but regardless, here we are now.”

I felt his foot going on top of mine not letting me go and proceeded to take me by the hand as the light dimmed into the room. He swayed me across as if it was a royal banquet and held me close. I felt overwhelmed as no one has ever embraced me as such before. The night felt like an eternity as I felt his gentle hands on mine, he rocked me in the room all night kissing my forehead and telling me that he was right to kiss me.

“no more will I be afraid, you were the first man to show me the look of innocence.” “and you are the man who showed me how to be a stronger person, to protect and believe that I am meant for more.” “I missed you so much over those five years, I always wanted to see you but the kingdom had turned on itself and I couldn’t find a way out.” “and I only wished to pay you back the way you did for me so many times.” as we walked out of the building he took my hand and held me close, I never seen him smile so much from one night of fun. He pulled me as we started rushing in the streets, bringing me to a wooden path.

“I wanted to ensure that this night doesn’t end too quickly, so I found a spot we can relax at.” “you really don’t have to do all this.” “trust me youll love this.” as he pulled me through the brush and down the path, I could tell that things were getting somehow warmer, like not just in the air or his smile. I finally felt like someone cared after so long. When we reached the end of the path I could only see a massive emerald fire burning in a pit and blanket sprawled out. callum sat asking me to join him and showed me what he had done.

“I used some old runes I had to make a everchanging flame, as it burns it shows the emotion we both convey.” “that’s really sweet, I can feel its heat from here.” callum kissed me saying that he was happy I loved the idea, the two of us kissed as we both saw the flames going from green to a yellow, and then to a deep red.

“crimson red, the color of love and adoration , all that I give for you is what I wish to hold.” “so long at you are close to me I can feel nothing but the upmost care for a man I see as my eternity.” Callum laid me down and undid my jacket seeing me sweating from the fires heat. He swiftly took his off and continued to caress my neck. I felt my arms grabbing his shirt tearing it slightly. When I apologized, he looked at me with an intense look.

“no need to think you hurt me, for im going to love you until the dawn breaks.” he took my shirt off holding my hands as he played with my nipples and teased my pants. I couldn’t help but look as he tore his off showing off his husky physique and sweated chest, his hair down and his brown eyes staring deeply into me like garnet nuggets in a kiln ready to be smoldered. He laid me down and unzipped my pants and began sucking me off. I could feel no better sensation than ive ever felt. I noticed his pants getting tighter and I unzipped them revealing this throbbing dagger, wholeheartedly grabbing and stroking it making him moan. I pulled the pants off as we stared at one another naked under the moonlight as callum waved his hands and wrapped the flames of love around us.

“I want you to see the magic of both humanity and the love I burn for you.” I watched as the flames began enveloping into a vortex around us and he laid on top of me his his hair parted and smiling at me. I felt as he began teasing my virgin hole with his hands and tongue, he was willing to do so much for me, and I could see the man I saw on horseback all that time ago, ready to make love for the first time. he held my hand as he made love to me, thrusting gently and slowly grabbing my waist and kissing me calling me name. the flames changing from red to yellow to a heavenly white. It was a perfect site to behold around me but the real sight was the man I wanted to see gazing into my eyes. He never topped pleasuring me even when he was the one doing the work, he made me feel so good that night. He made me climax right before him and as he waved his hand the flames receded to the pit and continued to burn. With us embracing the sun began to rise.

“that really was a magical endeavor callum, thank you.” he couldn’t hear as he had fallen asleep, I parted his and kissed his forehead and nuzzled up to him feeling his heartbeat as we slumbered well into the day.

[travelinghermit]

Trek to the Quilotoa Volcanic Crater

After a fairly intensive full four day hike through the interior of Ecuador, across some of the most stunning Andes mountain views I have seen, I arrived back into Latacunga yesterday afternoon. Away from wifi, away from my bike, away from everything really except me, myself, and I and a few necessary items in my daypack. It felt truelly good to be cut off from modern technology for a few days and just spend some time hiking in the wilderness, breathing that fresh air. No guide, no companions except the rare few you cross paths with along the way.

I intended to depart Thursday morning but I woke up with very slight cold symptoms such as a runny nose and a very slight cough. Which is barely holding on as I write this. So I took the day preparing a bit more like walking to the bus terminal and confirming bus times, going to the bank, buying snacks. It wasnt a complete waste of a day but I did spend the majority eating fruit and resting in bed to get rid of this thing for good before I was off early in the morning.

I woke up at 5am the following morning and was on the bus to the village of Sitchos by 5:45am. The two hour bus ride was a slow ride up the winding narrow mountain passes. It was a beautiful morning in the mountains with the sun shining. I of course didnt bother with sunscreen. I packed all my rain gear and layers thinking it would be miserable, cold, mountain weather and of course over the three day duration I was lucky or perhaps unlucky with amazing weather and no rain yet my face is still recovering from it all.

By 830am I hit the trail. No map or the slightest indication of where I was supposed to go to the next village Isinlivi. The Quilotoa loop as its called is a popular trek among travellers mostly because of its inexpensive cost and well for me atleast it was the adventure aspect of being out there by yourself with no guide for a couple days roughing it. The loop is made up of a series of day treks from village to village. Most start at the village Isinlivi but there was an early bus to the town before that and I read the trail truelly started there so I went for it. There was one other group of Americans on my bus but other than that we were it for the day.

Within an hour I was already lost. I followed a sign to an abandoned house ontop of a hill and I mustve spent forty five minutes trying out each direction and all I came up with was barbed wire fences and dead ends. So did what anybody would do I saw a road bellow down the hill so I walked down, climbed over two barbed wire fences and I was back on the right track seemingly as I walked the dirt road. This first day was easily the most difficult of the days as I guess the official loop didnt start at Sitchos so the markers along the trail did not start until the following village in Isinlivi. After three and a half hours I arrived in this peaceful village at 12:30pm and was the first person to arrive at the Lulu Lhama Hostel. I was incredibly surprised at the quality of this hostel. Amazing mountain view patio at back, with a cozy living room and fire place and the star attraction a huge Saint Bernard dog lying around. I didnt bring anything to do no book or anything. I sacrificed my book in order to make space for my rain gear which I didnt use at all but lucky me there was half a book of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson with the beginning ripped out and seemingly missing. Ive read it before so it didnt really bother me. As time went on more and more people arrived at the hostel and suddenly the hostel was full. I talked to a Norwegian or was he Swedish? Well he was from one of those places who volunteered there. He told me of a nice and quick trek to the top of a hill he pointed too in the back. I still had tons of energy and nothing to do so I went for it. When I reached the top I had a 360 degree view of the beautiful mountains with low hanging clouds cutting the tops off and best of all I had it all to myself.

That night was really great. With so many people from all over staying at the hostel and no wifi as distractions it made for good interactions. It had been forever since I had some good english conversation so I was a chatterbox asking this English couple a million and one questions about their time in Peru and Bolivia. I also met two girls from France who were fun to talk too aswell. I told them about my Ayahuasca experience in Mocoa and we chatted about how with so many poor child beggars its so easy to wave them off codly, just not wanting to deal with them because of the sheer number. I told them about an experience I had the night before. I was eating soup at a restaurant and a child beggar who mustve been five at least. He came in and walked up to everyone asking for money nobody gave him anything. I didnt either except a fist bump which he deffinitley wasnt asking for. I had been used to so many coming up to me I didnt even think about it anymore. My table was facing the window and I was eyeing the boy as he walked out and past my view and I saw his face. He was on the verge of tears and I think he really did start crying completely oblivious of my view. My heart broke I wanted to run out and give him something but he was already gone. But what can you do? You cant give them all money and its shitty of the parents to put their kids in these situations. These are the tough aspects of travel that leave you powerless in view of the reality of overwhelming economic adversity. Throughout this trip its been the French that has surprised me the most with who I have connected with the most.

That night the cook made a huge Quiche and everyone ate at big tables like a big family. Nobody left the table without full stomaches. Breakfast was my absolute favorite meal fresh fruit, yogurt, granola, and scrambled eggs with juice and coffee. Perfect for a day of trekking. I was the first out the door by 821am but of course even with a map this time I was lost within minutes. After talking to many of the fellow trekkers getting lost on the Quilotoa loop is all apart of the experience. Once I found the right trail I was good for the rest of the day. This time the trek was made a bit easier with red and yellow paint marking the trail. As I was trekking along I thought how cool is this? Just a bunch of travellers trekking by ourselves with no guides through stunning Ecuadorian landscapes. If you do get lost theres always someone coming up behind you (well hopefully) but you always find your way again somehow. These trails werent incredibly easy either sometimes you wont see a paint marker for a long while but once you climb up a large hill and youre not quite sure if its really the right way, and your so tired and suddenly there it is, a red spot on a tree or rock. Youre just so happy you made it and more impottantly going the right way.

I didnt see many people along the way really. On the second night at the Cloud Forrest Hostal there were only four other groups along with me staying which I thought was weird considering how full the first night was but most dont do the full trek I gathered. Third and final day it was the big climb to the crater. Quilotoa is an inactive volcano with a rim circumference of 10km and the last time it erupted was apparently 1280 and it was such a powerful blast the ash reached the Pacific Ocean. This final day was my favorite portion of the hike. The views were spectacular, the trails were taxing and narrow and most of all very diverse. I was jumping over streams, climbing sandy paths up mountains which can barely be called a trail and through tiny mountain villages. I wrote that Jack Kerouac quote last week about fleeing the ocean and running to your desire. As I was hiking along I was laughing to myself as this was exactly what I desired. A challenging hike I can do all by myself over a couple days which ended in a jaw dropping view of the Quilotoa Volcan crater lake. This was exactly what I required.

At around noon I had arrived to the top. It was a gruelling climb that had me going slowly step by step but the view from the top was incredible. Never had I been to a rim of a Volcano, never have I trekked alone for days, never was I about to trek the entire circumference of a Volcano rim, it was surely a day of firsts. The lake that accumulated in the crater of the Volcano was an otherwordly tourqoize green that light up like a emerald when the sun shone on its surface. Absolutley incredible. The colour of the lake comes from the minerals that accumulate. I never seam in the lake but im sure its very good for you. As soon as I reached the top there was time for a slight peanut break but then I was off again treking up and down the hills surrounding the crater. I was all alone up there and this wasnt easy after trekking three hours already just to get there. Seven hours of trekking total on Sunday and by the time I finished the crater loop and found a hostel I was dead beat. The following morning I hopped a bus back to Latagunga and here I am now in a cafe writing this.

I leave for Banos tomorrow after two well deserved rest days. My trekking hopefully doesnt end here. I think I needed a reset from everything, clear my head and reassess my goals. I talked to a girl from Begium who is travelling a year on a $25 a day budget. Made me feel like a novice. I tracked my spending for a week and I saw with no surprise I spend most of my money on snacks. My goal for this week is a $30 budget just to see if I can do it. That starts today we’ll see how it goes. I do love my snacks and yet again the mantra rings “strip away the unessential”.

Pictures might be a diificulty to upload.