#im never gonna be able to finish it am i
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i miss my bbgrl so much
#im never gonna be able to finish it am i#it was so good too#dayseller#harukkun#i know that the korean version is still up but i dont think ill ever be able to learn korean
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still working on tweening and etc but small self-indulgent sneak peek hehe
#my art#wip#bocchiposting#i wholly underestimated the amount of tweening needed and the amount of layers#originally i wanted to cover the entire song with parts for kita and bocchi#but given my current health condition + having work i think i'll just finish small chunks first and then see how much i can do b4 school#i can definitely finish the intro but i really want to draw in bocchi for a specific part sdjfhdskfjks#unfortunately i currently have the constitution of a sick victorian child! Any stress or strain sends me to the bed!#so i cannot crank this out within 5 hours like i used to be able to#the song is mesmerizer obv credits to that#it really has been a process of oh im just gonna do something small for fun oh no this needs more for a better streamline#halfway through i was like. would this have been easier if i just used. live 2d. probably. but i am too far in.#i need a good video editor program so bad but all the tutorials online are for AE and i do not have the money for that </3#and the next best option is apparently blender and i've done a few tutorials but i have never been able to retain the information <3#the learning curve is seriously hard and i don't have the time for that either </3 time is money fr#i tell myself to not feel guilty for drawing when i could be studying bc this is needed <3 this is self indulgent <3#self care!!!!!! rahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!#kk rambles
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who up sinning their fest
#one of my worst recent hyperfixations i'll admit#and i dont even have an excuse like ohhh i used to read this back in the late 2000s before all the terf shit#no i got into it in late 2023 this school year cause i stumbled across the tvtropes page#and i was like 'sinfest'? isnt that the name of that terf Twitter comic? but the cover image showed a sick ass artstyle so i read it#and im just obsessed with it now its such a strange spectacle. its like a political cartoon and a newspaper comic at the same time#my fav era has gotta be late 2000s maybe early 2010s sinfest... hell maybe even mid 2010s sinfest if i ignore the sisterhood#now every strip is just about jewish people or calling trans women groomers#and almost every once-likable character is now canonically a terf and/or racist and/or antivaxxer etc#or theyre just not in the comic at all anymore like my dear criminy and fuschia#i hope we never get another appearance from them godbless#cause last time we saw criminy he was helping squig and slick break a terf out of she/her penitentiary. with fuschia's permission#theyre definitely the best part of 2010s sinfest. a bygone era#the best part of 2000s sinfest is the sharp artstyle and lil e just being evil#and the best part of 2020s sinfest seems to be. um. laughing at how ridiculous it is? its kind of hard to enjoy though.#i intend to stay updated on it because i like being able to say i've read all of sinfest start to finish#but man i gotta get an adblocker soon cause i read it on the official website cause idk how else to read it online and the ads are constant#really funny when ur reading a strip criticizing the prevalence of ads in our day to day life#not as funny when you remember tatsuya is probably making money off of them. so yeah im gonna install ublock#but the problem is i usually read it on my school computer to pass time. and that technically isnt my computer so i cant download ublock#anyways. i could ramble on about how much i love and hate and am obsessed w sinfest all day but heres some fanart of the characters.#id like to make my own headcanon version of sinfest aka sinfest if it was good#but headcanons arent enough... i need to kill tatsuya ishida#sinfest#squigley sinfest#monique sinfest#lil e sinfest#the devil sinfest#tangerine sinfest#images that are horrid to see and look at#mspaint
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Earlier I encountered another fun isat glitch while fighting the king but this time instead of Odile crashing my game she decided to just stop taking damage and tbh that's how it should be all the time. About to take damage? Don't.
#rat rambles#stars posting#ok well actually the glitch was that miras friend quest shield didnt go away the whole battle but shhh it funnier this way#also gotta love how the switch cant handle isat like At All lol#like I dont care because Im used to playing games at 2fps but its still funny#Im also getting close to the point that I can finally enact my grand plan of suffering#as in like Im right fucking there I just need to finish the ending again#finally did all the friendquests after delaying a bit to do some miscellaneous dialogue hunts instead#Im also probably gonna hang out in act 3 for a while longer to hunt for some repeat friendquest dialogue#I am itching to get to act 4 since I feel like theres a lot of dialogue there Ive never seen but I wanna be thorough#but yeah I might have to start watching another isat playthrough to entertain me for my grind tomorrow#Im not married to the idea of hard committing to the grind but I wanna at least try#because I simply want to see if I can#also the stronger sif and the rest of the party can be for the rest of the game the better#Im going to have to fight the king a lot more and I wanna be able to get through it at least fairly quickly#I dont even know how high level the game lets everyone go tbh but I can sure find out if I try hard enough#I might have to look it up and do some math to find out how bad of an idea this is lol
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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Oh no
Maybe the panic of the masses is getting to me, but I'm worried for the fate of the first game
#just in case im gonna go replay the beach event#if they do end up deleting the og game they better put those events into chronicles#putting the fear aside i think that the chronicles is a cool idea#im actually glad it came out right after i finished the og because i never would have gotten the motivation to do it myself#and it gives a certain level of satisfaction having completed it#i like being able to reread the events eithout paying for them in ld#so now i only have to pay for the ones i want stuff from#i am sad that the old bday events arent there either#but hey im gonna take whatever i can get#i also love the entire feel of chronicles#it just feels cozy#and the whole bookshelf theme makes it feel like youre in the hol library#10/10 theme#posts#obey me!#obey me! nightbringer
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.
#I’m never gonna finish this degree why am I even trying#im never gonna be a teacher I’m never gonna be able to do anything why am I wasting all this money?#why am I even still trying???#katie shut up
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look, liam , after getting home, would be a nightmare to take places. bryce, owen, whoever, would dread taking him to social functions, but not because of concern for him . no, its because he would NOT realize when certain terrible things are inappropriate to say to strangers. people would be joking about murder or smth which is actually not too ridiculous of a topic to joke about, and hed try to chime in with "yknow, i have actually tried to kill someone before, and it is NOT how anyone actually expects haha. way more surreal and upsetting that people think" and itd be an actual attempt to join in but whoever brought him would have to very quickly go HES JOKING. i promise hes joking. haha liams sooooo funny. it would only then occur to liam that oh, that WASNT a normal thing to say was it. and then theyd leave
#hfjone#look you dont spend over a year on the plane and then however long hes stuck in airys world alone#wo forgetting many social conventions. ESP liam 'autism haver expert' plecak#he already was bad at knowing when you Dont Say Things. this would only be worsened by 200%#like w bryce? ive always felt like hes actually. despite the autism. very good at navigating social settings bc hes practiced it sooo much#and while i think hed struggle after getting back home hes still pretty practiced in it and would be able to get back into it#WAY faster than liam. esp bc he NOTICES when he Fails So Bad at social stuff#where liam doesnt#(also mostly discussing liam n bryce bc tbh? amelia wouldnt be dissuaded from going to social stuff w liam#shes like bryce in that she is able to navigate things herself but im not sure if this applies to knowing when its others#idk id have to think abt it more! either way. amelia and liam in a social setting soon after him getting back would be a huge disaster#and i love them for it)#(ALSO if any of this is a little innaccurate i am sooo sorry. im gonna rewatch rly soon like maybe tonight but im thinking abt this#also bc i found a pic from a while ago that was gonna have this and tbh ill never finish the drawing. this is the closest ill get yknow#think of this as smth of a successor to the 'drowned' img LOL)
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Let's play the "Am I Manic or Am I Motivated" game! I don't know how to win and I'm terrified of losing!
#the devil speaks#cant sleep wanna work on stuff bc i have Big Plans but am i able to do these plans bc mania or bc im enjoying myself#have scripts to write prints to make audio to record video to edit like... im scared im gonna burn out bc im manic but what if im not#what if im just actually doing stuff ive been wanting to do and therefore motivated to finish it?#idk im scared cause ive never finished anything i think#i always burnt out or the person i did it with stopped caring so i forced myself too so they wouldnt find me annoying lol#now i know the other person isnt gonna bail on me so im like... scared of bailing on them lol#how the turn tables#god i gotta go to bed
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Oh my god GUYS guess who just got back from his first old time music festival with a banjo!!!!!
#i only had the energy to be there for about 90 minutes BUT#in that time i bought a banjo and talked to the reenacting sailors and learned a couple sea shanties!!!!!#if it wasnt raining id have gotten to stay for longer cause id have been able to sit on the ground but alas#there were some open jams i wanted to sit on#(just to sit. ive never played anything other than trombone and ocarina before and oh boy am i gonna have a blast learning banjo!)#but all the seats were for people playing and bc i cant stand for long periods of time 😔😔#but next year!!!#and besides#i need to learn first!!!!#oh im so excited!!!#im missing the 5th string but everything else i have#and strings are cheap anyway#ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!#i never finished that suicide is painless rewritten lyrics so 👀👀👀#and if i manage to learn this#ill get to write songs for my fics!!!!
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genuinely i want to give up
#elia txts#logging off after this post i promise but im just so upset#i want to finish uni bc then i have something to show for the past 6 yrs of my life#(to capitalist society anyway bc i doubt i will ever be able to write again after this. let alone under a deadline)#i want to give up#this was not worth ruining over a year of my life for. i feel soooo bad#it's all gonna be over in 22 days one way or another but if i don't pass with flying colors whats the point of all the pain lol#and even if i pass it's just gonna be a degree i will never use bc i am unable to work anything except my shitty side job#which is fine!!! im fortunate enough to have a partner who loves his moderately wellpaying job#i could just chill. there is no need for all this pain#wanting 2 give up three weeks from the deadline is so dumb but i genuinely genuinely am at my breaking point#if i finish this up i will finish it to perfection otherwise there was no point to all this suffering#but also i genuinely cannot take another day of this. lol
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i amb. Dissociating
#low health#<- this tag for mental health too ig#ask to tag#i dont know why i am brain not working#literally do not know what is causing this#havent been able to focus at all yesterday or today#probably longer than that idk#id ont know who i am or whos nearby front#i dont think our brain wants echo anumore but we dont have a replacement what do we do#we almost got two relplacement but they werent fit for being host for various reaosns#i keep just. like. going blank for so amny minutes at a time#jsut staring at nothing midsentenece and never finishing the thoght#sorry for all the misspellnigs too i dont really have the energy to fix them tbh#brain is being not ok but i dont know why its happening or what can fix it#maybe its hust fall idk#fall always fills me with dread for like. many reasons#like soon im not gonna be able to walk as much and im almost never gonna be able to leave the house once winter hits#plus fall seems to be exactly when bad things alwys happen to me so#thank u august 2020 for that oen#but its not even august anymore youd think if it were connected to the august incident itd fuck me up during august#i dont know. i dont know whats wrong or why my brain is upse t#and i dont know how to fix it#i keep thinking 'talking to friend will help' and maybe it is i dont know i cant tell#but im too fucking dumb and anxious to do that half the fucking time anyways#... i think i have trust issues#not in the sense of 'i think everyone around me is hiding something' or shit like that#btu more in the sense of 'i am so scared at every second that i am going to fuck this up'#so i never even try bc it's the only 100% guaranteed way to not fuck up right????#wrong then i lose all my friends bc i dont talk to anyone ever
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My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises
#the klock keeps ticking#i cant ever think about anything else but the stories i wanna write its the only thing i got on my mind its all i want#but i get so stuck in my head that i cant put any words down and when i do i beat them up so much i cant move on#so it takes me a really long time to create nowadays. if i even try#and idk im really tired of this like it isnt just art and writing its how i do everything#i talk about it so much but i never make anything a reality and i stay in one horrible spot forever#and then i complain about how miserable i am that i havent done anything with myself when im too scared to actually do the work of making#things real#like hnnnghh idk i finally forced myself to stop making excuses and just fucking start officially writing the first chapter of my big shinji#project that i keep gushing about in my head but ive only been able to write a few paragraphs#i cant get much further without getting hard on myself because i feel like every single word i choose is wrong#and i also have been sleeping waaaaay worse than usual the past month from extreme stress so im fatigued much easier#and im just scared im gonna spend so much time on this that like by the time ive finished the first chapter i wont even care anymore#which will really suck cuz ive wanted this for so long and for once i just want something of mine to go good i want to make something#that i want possible just to prove im capable of something so basic#its just all this damn pressure AAAAAAAAAAA i hate everything
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If anyone is mean to me I will explode and also cry <- moving again :/
#rangnar rambles#i cant think of a worse way to spend a saturday morning than driving 4 hours with my dad and carrying heavy bags up 3 flights of stairs#ngl. on the verge of a menty b lads <3#my last year of uni will be fun and also good :) i want to do it for sure#i Think i do. feels like a waste to do two years of this degree and go into debt ill never pay back and not finish it#who am i kidding if i stay in this house any longer im gonna end up on the news#these flatmates are better though 🙏#(update for that: captain birdseye agreed to pay his share of the bills 🫡 but he also never filled out the form to release our deposit 👎)#maybe within the next 7 years we'll get this sorted#me repeatedly for the last month as one crisis after another happens: im normal im normal im normal im normal im normal im normal im nor#THIS WAS MEANT TO BE THE SUMMER OF MATT RAGNARS-TOOTH-GAYANDVIBIN#its fine ill become a new person the instant i touch down in [city] which is both normal to want and possible to achieve#ill do yoga and make new friends and also be able to do stairs
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currently 500 pages into rhythm of war, am enjoying the things im enjoying very deeply (mostly shallan and adolin. and veil and radiant and shallan’s dynamics. and kal but thats easy because he’s my favourite character and besides isn’t even hitting that hard in this one its just that everything he does is everything to me) but so much of it also is just such a slog and idk if it’s me because i usually set aside a day to read like 80% of the book in one go or if it’s the fact that a friend has now also read stormlight and shared some opinions w me that i dont disagree with or if its the book itself but like. navani is such a boring POV character and adolin’s reduction down to his fashion sensibilities is a snore and the bridgemen are practically absent so kal doesn’t even have anyone to endear him even more to me and even venli’s just too like. cautious to have anything going for her. like fr the only person i don’t have any sort of a complaint towards as of rn is shallan
#it doesnt help tht i wanna be in shadesmar and instead am in the tower while it is getting invaded like girl i dont wanna say that idc#but idc#and also ok i never read the lift novella but then i dont believe in having to have read novellas to follow along the main plot#at least not how it works in publishing rn#but like. ok maybe she's still coming but how is she just not gonna sneak onto the mission to shadesmar#how is she so unimportant when even just the way she was introduced back in .. words of radiance maybe? or oathbringer doesnt rly matter#but even that was so different & broke such a routine that it makes her stick out in my mind#and now she's just sorta left by the wayside#like omg snore ! im sorry but like i just deeply dont care about dalinar and navani's chapters so like why arent those replaced by her#recently read#its also like . i do love these books but come on im 500 pages in thats not even half#that usually would bring me such joy but because so many of these chapters are making me wanna just put the book down#its a LOT to not be halfway done yet#like and all of this wouldnt matter if i just put the book down and came back to it later#but that wouldn't work out great bc then i forget what happened and also now i have that friend who just finished rhythm of war#and i wanna be able to talk to her about it even tho i am prtty sure we read these books entirely differently#PLUS i wanna get into more of the cosmere which yk i can do that without reading stormlight bc everything else is like#written before stormlight. but still i just wish it was easier to skimread sections and not miss huge chunks
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this comic is gonna kill me... I think I have to restart it
#not happy w how it was turning out#think it would be easier to start again#than to try and fix it#*tearing hair out*#im never gonna be able to finish this#or am i????#fr tho#nightmare medium#but ive come so far#ITS ALL TECHNICALLY THERE#JUST NOT FINISHED ARGGGHHHHGHG#personal
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