#im nostalgic for what was probably one of the worst times of my life. fucking hell

[hella1975]

girls will say they’re tough shit until 7 by catfish and the bottlemen comes on

[zombies-aliens]

Sooo my crush transferred stores and I'm lowkey heartbroken. Ima be okay tho. I feel slightly depressed about it. Or bummed out about it I dont want to be dramatic. I'm really gonna miss her man. I just feel like something was there. A spark of some kind. I told her what was on my mind and she said I'm ok and things are fine.

... 🤷‍♂️

I wrote in her goodbye card at work. I said something like thanks for always being friendly and hope everything works out in your favor! and signed my name. Really thankful for my coworker for coming up to me and asking if I wanted to sign it.

I know im probably really sad bc it's still fresh. But don't get me wrong I'm not super depressed but man I get nostalgic thinking about everything in the past that involved her from beginning to end. The first time she said hi to me, the first time we introduced ourselves to each other, our first talk I had with her before I left work that one time, this makes me sad bruh lmaoooo and... our last talk 😔 she said we'll keep in touch since we have each other on snapchat. I hope we really do. We might not even talk much but I'd be happy if we talk AT ALL.

I'm holding tight to every memory I have with her. Big and small. I remember eating with her for the first time like she actually got dumplings for us to share together and IT WAS GOOD AS HELL. I felt the love tbh but maybe she was being a good friend. I'll miss seeing how cute and pretty she is. I'll miss it all man. I'm down bad bro I haven't even known her for a year smh lmao. But I had feelings for her.. instantly dude.

The worst part is that I'll probably never see her in person again. Unless by some coincidence. I'm reallyyyyy gonna miss seeing her in person. Her smile, her eyes. She was really cute man. And when she had makeup and did her hair she was stunning 😍!!!

I'm really.. gonna fucking miss her. But I know I will get over her and life goes on. But right now I'm really gonna be bummed out no seeing her name pop up in the roster on my work app. And not seeing her anymore at work. Man just saying these sentences got me feeling sad wanting to cry. I feel like crying but it's not strong enough to come out lol. Idk am I being a baby about this guys? I feel like I am lol

I'm not gonna move on to the next girl like that. I still like her and if she ever reaches out ill respond. I don't expect anything for some months since she lives her own life and I'll just have to respect that.. man ima miss her lol. Just wanna be over it already lol.

U know what I think I miss? I miss having a girlfriend. I miss having a reliable person in my life where I can have a good time with. Feeling loved. Just feeling GOOD in general. I want that again. I broke up with an online gf a while back in the beginning of this year, to see if there's a chance with this girl (obviously didn't work out lol but never say never right?..) and there's plenty of says when I wanted to just get back with her and things to go back to normal. I miss being called baby, I miss being called my love, I miss feeling cared for, and giving it back to my long distance relationship. But she was trans dude.. she has a penis. I'm not down with that. Im just not. I could just not have sex with her but I don't think u understand I don't want my girl to have a penis whether even if ill never interact with it. (I'm talking like I'm talking w someone irl in a way lmao just the way I write tho yall it's fun)

Umm but yeah :// I wonder how she felt about me. I wonder if she wondered anything about me?

I think I made an interesting insight tho. Do I just want to feel loved and cared for and feel happy? I mean I can't blame myself I think anyone would want that as well as other things too. But those are some of the main ones.

It's still crazy to me. I'm about to go to work and ima go in her department to get water and she just... won't be there. She wont be there tomorrow or next time i go to work ever anymore. Fuck man this shit makes me wanna cry. I'm acting like she died bruh 😂😂😂 why tf am I THIS sad, goodness 😭😔

Everything makes me nostalgic about her now man. 😢 ima just go to work and look ill be fine I'm not gonna bust into tears. But I'll be thinking of her when I have a moment of silence in the restroom or anywhere I get a quiet moment to myself.. she will never read this but I think I was falling for that girl.

[gumdecay]

.

[teeth-and-tea]

ANIME & MANGA I HAVE BINGED IN THE LAST MONTH: May 2021

I've Been Hunting Slimes for the Past 300 Years and Now Ive Maxed Out My Level: incredibly long name aside, cute af slice of life that suffers Same Face Syndrome. I'm still happy to watch it because of how feel good and fluffy it is though, Im probably gonna forget about it in two or three years tho. 8/10.

Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro: I found out this was a webcomic first and suddenly all the HORNINESS made so much more sense. A Femdom, Degradation, Humiliation, Dacryphilia Bullies to Lovers story disguised as a high school rom-com which, I'm not going to lie, misses SKEEVY CITY by mere inches on a regular basis. However, I'm a Dom/Switch and this entire relationship sets off my dom brain center like New York City just shy of midnight. So if you're into that sort of scene, this anime is for you. If not, it's still fascinating but you're probably gonna be a little put off by how mean the Girl!Bully is to the guy MC. Unless you find out something about yourself, in which case, congrats! Stay safe, sane, consensual, and learn about the traffic light system on top of safe words, I promise you'll have a better life in general after that. Still Ongoing, currently 10/10.

Fruits Basket: IM GONNA CRY I LOVE THIS ANIME SO MUCH???? The original anime came out when I was in... I think middle school and my parents were really strict on what I watched so I never got to experience the first wave and I never bothered to watch the show ever after I moved out of the house years later. However, now that I'm much older I honestly can say this is one of my favorite anime to date, and all the characters are charming, lovable, with their own problems that I can connect to or sympathize with, and I love the MC which is always a treat tbh. Except Akito. Akito can suck a sandpaper dick. I'm only on S2 tho so no spoilers! Anime 11/10.

Monster Girl Doctor: went in thinking it was gonna be a monster girl who's a doctor with a homoerotic assistant (her name is SAPPHY okay sue me for thinking it) and ended up watching the entire dubbed harem series. Honestly, I've seen worse and this one has consistent follow-through on interesting characters and backstory enough for me to shove aside the blatant under-monstrousness of the female monsters and the harem-ness of everything else. Dubbing is honestly really good, which is a treat, and the monster designs are not the worst and the MC is tolerable. Honestly, I don't mind having watched it! The mix of cgi and the traditional animation together work pretty strangely though, and it often doesn't flow super well. 7.5/10

So I'm a Spider, So What: Dubbed version which honestly isn't that bad. Took me a bit to get into it, but after realizing that it's got a mismatched timeline a la The Witcher, it made so much more sense. Heavily done in cgi, and you can definitely tell between the 2D and 3D animations, but not the worst in the world. I went in not expecting much but it ended up being an Issekai I can stand and even enjoy. On god has a decent story... with the spider. I'd be a liar if I didnt say I skipped some of the human parts just to get back to the best part of the show. 8/10.

Somali and the Forest Spirit: I'm so fucking nostalgic for this thing it makes me want to go and hug my dad. About a human girl under threat of being eaten with a monster-dominated world. Very obvious "humans fear what they don't understand" message but instead of the humans learning tolerance it's what happens when they get annihilated first so like, kudos for the mangaka for having the guts to do that. I cried like a baby regularly. It's really good, I watched the dub and ID WATCH IT AGAIN!!! 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Oh my god. O h my g o d. Fell in love on the first episode, ngl. About if an immortal being learned how to be a person from scratch. I love it. HOWEVER. Keep a box of tissues on you at all times because you're gonna need them. I'm only on EP7 because that's all that's out right now but just know. I love it. Not for everyone but certainly for my "what do we define as human and the human condition" ass. 12/10.

Those Snow White Notes: A sports anime without any sports. About shamisen playing which is cool because I never realized how cool this instrument was??? Its neat af. OP1&2 are by Burnout Syndrom so know theyre fire. Gonna be real, its pretty alright, but not extraordinary. You can tell they were using the characters as archetypes rather than actually characters which kinda kills a lot of the emotional value you could've had, but I'm still gonna watch it. It doesn't make me cringe as hard as other sports anime tho so I consider it toptier in that regards but if you're a big sports anime fan you might be bummed out by it. Every single musical performance is INCREDIBLE tho. A solid 8/10.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun: THE ART OMFG IT'S SO GORGEOUS. Listen, if you took coptic markers and gave them an animation budget with some manga panel direction thrown in there, that's this anime. It's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'm in love with the aesthetic every second. Story? Really good. Characters? I love the MC and his evil little twin brother asshat. Demons? Not super imaginative but I'm carrying on happy as can be anyways. Dubbing? A bit shaky at times but I found the voices charming if a little off for some of them. I'm already waiting for the second season with popcorn at the ready. 10/10.

Prison School: I watched this directly after Hanako-kun and it was like I got slapped in the face by sweaty unwashed titties and some fedora wearing schmuck's piss kink. No character is likable or redeemable. I finished it, but at what cost? 2/10 and only because a character shit his pants and I laughed.

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle: watched this right after Prison School and it was NECESSARY tbh. Its so CUTE and honestly, im not even kidding you, the fucking funniest anime I've seen in months. I watched the dub and the VAs are having the time of their lives working on this anime not just giving it their all but literally just going ham. Its great. If I read this im sure id be bored outta my mind but the VAs giving it a joyous performance make it an insta fave for me tbh. 9/10.

Sk8 the Infinity: i watched the dub with my bro and I can confirm that its a spectacular show because we both loved it and we have vastly different tastes. Incredibly SUSPENSFUL AND STRESSFUL for an anime about skateboarding but we finished it in a single sitting tbh. The last episode is not dubbed for some reason but we still loved it. Like if Free! was less obnoxious but the only fan-service here is Joe ♡ a beefcake who owns my lesbian heart. I think there's exactly one named female character tho and I legit couldn't tell you what it was if there was a gun to my head. So, over all, 9.5/10.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I'm going to be entirely honest, I went in thinking it was going to be a boring isekai of no value. I was right about the Isekai part. It was honestly pretty interesting and focused on nation building like you're playing civilization rather than the usual "Get Stronger" narrative or "Get Some Pussy" narrative most isekais take which is delightfully refreshing. Granted there are flavors of that in this which means it doesn't alienate the big isekai watchers out there, but it's not the whole dish and it doesn't make me want to cringe the same way others do. You've got a slime MC just vibing and building a nation of monsters nbd. Does lose points for making the female monsters more humanoid than their male counterparts but makes them back by only doing perfunctory fan-service and nothing that makes me want to cry... except the butt sumo episode but in fairness it was all a terrible dream. Literally, the MC refuses to dream anymore after that. solid animation, decent voice acting, decent story, made me realize how HUGE this is in the Light Novel community???? There's like 18 fucking novels and that's WILD. 8.5/10.

MANGA:

Spirit Photographer Saburo Kono: a one shot special by the mangaka of The Promised Neverland! Honestly a really delicate touch of both super creepy and really touching, and I'm not gonna lie I'm bummed that this isn't a bigger project but the single chapter makes it a good taste for their style. I've been wondering if I wanna read/watch The Promised Neverland and now I think I will. 10/10

Deranged Detective Ron Kamonohashi: from the mangaka of Hitman Reborn comes this Sherlock and Watson derivative! Not even 20 chapters out yet with a sort of spotty schedule, I honestly love it even thought it's exactly as you expect. HOWEVER. Kamonohashi the "Sherlock" character uses mental pressure to kill all confirmed murderers and it's up to Toto the "Watson" character to save all those people before Kamonohashi kills them! It's just recently introduced a "Moriarty" family of crime lords (not a big spoiler don't worry it was obvious) so the tension surrounding Ron's past is amping up rn. Personally, I think the art is GORGEOUS, the characters engaging, and the story quick enough to keep my interest. Most mysteries are solved within a chapter or two so you're not stuck 20 chapters into one locked room mystery which is just peachy tbh. RN, 10/10. If this gets an anime, I anticipate a legion of fangirls who ship the two main characters along with their many friends. I've been alive too long to believe otherwise.

Don't Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro: Yeah I read the manga after I watched the show. A slower build than the anime, but it works for the format, if theyd done the same with the show then I don't think it wouldve done as well. Honestly? Cuter tbh but just as horny. You dont start really LEARNING about your character until like, chap 65 tho and no real "drama" happens until like 75. A good chunk of the chapters are like 8pgs so its a breeze to get through. I love these slow burn idiots of the century. 9.5/10 because you can DEFINITELY tell the mangaka does hentai too.

Yugen's All-Ghouls Homeroom: one-shot by the mangaka for Food Wars, it's no wonder there's this constant perviness from the MC, a guy who can see and exorcise spirits. Takes place at an all girl's finishing school with KICK ASS monsters tbh, kinda bummed its not longer. The MC? Blatant monsterfucker who is also a CONFRIMED monsterfucker???? Idk i vibe with that single emotion. Everything else is hit or miss. 7/10 for monsters and cool concept, lost points for the MC very pointedly being okay with admitting he'd wait for the teenagers to be adults tho. Creepy af. Could live without that.

Hell's Paradise: I finished the entire 127chps in 3 days and I was really enthusiastic about it 90% of the time thinking about how deep it was and then I actually thought about it and I ended up being very neutral about the whole thing tbh. The art is fantastic tho, but DEFINITELY deserving of the M rating. Tits. Tits everywhere. But not tits to be ecchi over, no, monster hermit tits on beautiful women-ish figures. Now generally I give that a pass but a huge theme in the story is that men and women are "no better than one or the other" but like, lady tits are what you see 99% of the time. Men tits are few and far between. I call bullshit on most of the "deep" themes is what I'm saying, so it's like the mangaka was trying for those deep thoughts but missed the margin a little too far for my preference. That being said, the MC is a married man who loves his wife which automatically makes him my favorite character so like... idk so many good things, so many misses, but overall really spectacular themes and imagery. Unique but classic all at once. It's getting an anime and I have NO IDEA how much censorship they're gonna be doing but they're going to be doing SO MUCH. Oh yeah, and one guy is a plant/human hybrid who fucks a 1000 year old plant-hermit which makes him a canon monster fucker. And one canon non-binary character who I, a nonbinary, actually like. So like... gosh I've got mixed feelings. 8.5/10.

Choujin X: From Sui Ishida, mangaka to the mega hit Tokyo Ghoul comes this brand new manga!... Of one chapter, lol. Not really binge-y because it's just the one chapter out right now but I'm already keeping my eye on it. The grasp on anatomy in the art is PHENOMENAL and you can see Ishida flexing his art skill which is great. Can't give a true rating but I'm giving it a tentative 9/10 because I'm excited to see more.

Shag&Scoob: technically not a manga, its an ongoing webcomic I binged an subscribed to in one day and I just think it deserves more attention. Starts off funny with "what if Scooby Doo had a gun" and has been led to "what if all cartoons are aliens that survive and receive their powers by the humans that love them in an epic war with Martians." On god, its good. I finished the current series in a couple hours so it's a breezy read, highly recommend it. 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Yeah I watched the anime and then finished all current 143 chapters in like 3 days. GOD IM WEAK. I don't buy physical manga unless I know I want to remember the story forever and I'm already budgeting for the current books out. Yeah, this is a good series. That being said, definitely not for the faint of heart or those who suffer under common triggers like suicide, molestation, death, etc. It's all framed as bad and necessary to the story don't get me wrong, but it's there and has lasting affects on the characters. Incredible story telling by the creator of A Silent Voice. Keep tissues nearby at all times. 12/10.

[hello-yue-here]

Yuetara, zukka, and maiko

yuetara

ship

1) its not one of my main ships. i dont rlly read fanfic for them but if i see a cute fanart of them ill enjoy it and i think i first started shipping it because of good fanarts for them.

2) i like yuetara because of how similar they are. theyre both women from the water tribe. they both understand the misogyny that they have faced. and they both said f sexism im gonna be a strong woman. i also love the tui and la parallel. moon spirit and ocean spirit parallel COME ON. YUE IS THE MOON. KATARA IS THE MOST POWERFUL WATERBENDER. THEY ARE THE OCEAN AND THE MOON. the push and pull they could give eachother. that dynamic ftw.

3) i guess if i didnt like something about this ship would be the fact that if i read a fic or see a fanart w yuetara then than means in that particular au i wont get any yuekka and yuekka is probably my second favorite ship. but then again if i get yuetara than i could get a plethora of other sokka ships to go with it so my sadness disappears in like two seconds. gosh shipping is hard sometimes until you remember ‘hey i have like fifty different universes in my head. all ur ships can coexist in ur brain olivia’ other than that i really see no downsides to this ship. maybe i wish it had more content. maybe if it had more content id ship it a lot more but its not one of the more popular ships so the content is kinda few n far between on my feed.

zukka:

SHIPPP

1) my boys. my babies. my loves. i watched this show for the first time when it came out on netflix and when it ended i really didnt ship anything other than kataang. i came onto tumblr to find fun atla content and one of the very first things i saw under the atla tag was zukka content. i was like oh? whats this? zukka? interesting... i was intrigued so i found a list of fic recs and i fell in love with the ship. the rest is history. its probably my number one ship because it was my very first ship here and im nostalgic

2) oh boy there is so much i like about this ship. i relate to a shit ton of characters in atla. but sokka and zuko may be the ones i relate to most. i relate to sokka because i tend to feel second best a lot to my friends. i try to stay positive but things rarely go the way i plan or hope for them too and while im happy for my friends and their achievements i oftentimes find myself thinking why cant that be me? and i see this a lot in sokka especially in sokkas master. i dont feel special a lot and idk seeing sokka feel the same way and then realizing he is special kinda helped me realize that im special too. on the flipside i relate to zuko because i have wild anger issues and difficulty dealing w my emotions a lot as well. i get broody and short tempered and insecure very often and i tend to push people away and i refuse to ask for help (the amount of teachers and adults and therapists who have told me its okay to ask for help ur not any weaker because of it is astounding. do i listen to them? .....im working on it.) and i saw a shit ton of this in zuko. book one and two zuko rarely asks for help as seen in the blue spirit and zuko alone and he pushes away uncle so many times and even when the gaang iffers to help him in i think its the chase he tells them to leave. when he finally has his redemption and joins the gaang and lets them kinda become a better person i was so happy. i want that for myself yk. seeing him finally win the agni kai and overcome his family that always told him he was nothing was such a win. my sister and i get along but when we were children we were very much like zuko and azula. it was extremely competitive all the time and there was so much toxicity and sibling drama to a concerning extent. we get along great now which im very happy about but yeah their sibling relationship hit a lil too on the nose for me. seeing as i relate to these character so much and want them ti be happy i want to live vicariously through them so seeing them together is amazing for me to project into them. i love projecting onto fictional characters and with them i can project onto BOTH so its a winwin. plus so many zukka fics are so well written and heartwarming and heartbreaking and emotional and fluffy anf UGH the talent here us astounding.

3) what do i not like about the ship? again the list is long. oops. mainly the toxic shippers. there are so many toxic zukka stans that sometimes make it hard for me to enjoy this ship but hey! thats what the block button is for:) i despise how often people infantilize zuko and completely ruin his character for the sake of making him a soft weak lil boy who needs protecting. thats just not zuko for me. and ive seen many many accounts even state that this kind of portrayal of zuko is rooted in racist stereotypes about asian men (now i am white so i personally have never experiences racism but i feel the need to bring that up because it is wrong and attention needs to be brought to it because a lot of poc fans have criticised this) and the same for sokka. some ppl rlly skew his character and make him a big strong brute and hypermasculine and once again poc fans have said that this take is rooted in racist stereotypes. again! these are just my opinions! this is my favorite ship! but i think its important to acknowledge some of the bad parts of our ships as well and be critical where criticism is needed :))

maiko

ship

1) I LOVE MAIKO. “i dont hate you” “i dont hate you too” BRUH. my little heart just burst into flames. im sorry guys but maiko is so cute. they hate everything except eachother. BRUH that is one of the cutest tropes. i shipped them the moment i saw them together onscreen and i was so happy when zukos face lit up in the finale when mai came back.

2) “i hate everything but i have a soft spot for you” TAKE MY MONEY I AM A SUCKER FOR THIS. they are so cute together. like zuko is rarely happy in a majority of atla but mai makes him happy and i- 🥺🥺 HE DESERVES IT. and mai is always so supportive of him. when hes stressing out about the war meeting she tries her best to comfort him. and zuko cares about her too. he may not be the best at showing it but oh my god hes TRYING HIS BEST. i think its a very accurate portrayal of teenage relationships because they arent perfect and they do fight but like,, every teenage relationship does that. and even after everything and how he left her in the fire nation she still had his back at boiling rock. she still risked her life against azula to save his butt.

3) the thing i hate about maiko isnt even about maiko. its about antis who think mai is toxic and that zuko deserves better. that has got to be the worst take ive ever heard. they had a fight in ember island. that is NORMAL. they are teenagers. they are not perfect. but underneath all the rough edges and things they need to work out they still care about eachother so freaking much. i genuinelt believe that neither of them would do anything to intentionally hurt the other and i think thats what matters the most. if anything mai is the best girlfriend in the entire world because zuko fucked up like,, quite a few times. he got rlly jealous and dumped her thru a letter and ppl always say that mai was toxic for being mad at him for those two things. umm she had every right to be mad at him for both of those. and while zuko is allowed to feel his emotions and be angry sometimes as well sometimes he needs to think things thru and realize that hey maybe some if this jealousy is unfounded. BUT EVEN THEN. HE RESPECTED HER FEELINGS AND DIDNT TOUCH HER WHEN SHE SAID DONT TOUCH ME. HE RESPECTED HER. so i hate toxic maiko takes because they are literally so wrong in my opinion.

again all of these are just my opinions!! feel free to agree or disagree but please be respectful!! i will respect whatever u think as well because this is all just for fun :)

[toshkakoshka]

jesse/gustavo: because i swear to god i will riot on the -10 fics available

i swear to god there has only been ONE (1) FIC thats meant way too much to me in this entire tag; op fucking got it from here and they didn’t even have to do any goddamn kissing. 

yes, of course, gustavo is a favorite villain and jesse is just. my sweet baby. so i was like ayo why not and then i started laughing to myself, suddenly the camera zooms to my face and BOOM. 

la idea. 

unfortunately, if anybody knew me well enough, if i get a good idea i fuck around way too hard on it, regret it, and then immediately obsess over it.

so:

why this exactly? i’m a sucker for unexplained concepts. i’m also very bad at picking a common preference, and as much as i don’t like walt/jesse to be romanticized it’s like... hard to push away the fact that their relationship explains the reason why jesse can’t exactly leave.

jesse’s a sweetheart. he’ll take the responsibility to care about anyone and he’s just so malleable and vulnerable, and it’s horrible to witness the fact the show really hammers that shit in. walt is just incredibly unworthy of the concern he actually shows him and we all know it. he doesn’t belong to this world, he deserves to have a good life with people he loves, but these worlds obviously just.... don’t fit. 

at least, if you turn the perspective into something to where this has to be his life now.

i dunno. you wanna pick all the men in jesse’s life? it’s not the... well. it wasn’t the considered option but it’s certainly better than walt; and so we pick: Gustavo Fring. 

first impression? awful. but fortunately for jesse, gustavo’s actually seen the potential in this kid. i mean, you gotta be very special if you’re the junkie who gets picked to do work over someone who actually has knowledge over this shit, right? that’s the fascination. the intrigue. but he thinks, for the fact he’s witnessed how innocent this kid actually is, that it’s easy to manipulate. 

not so fast: jesse knows how to read through situations now. he knows how gustavo’s words and ways are, he knows he’s dangerous, what does this dinner mean? a personal warning. gustavo is not happy, but he’s begrudgingly impressed that jesse knows how to read it the way it is. 

it’s not about the challenge, that gustavo’s intrigued by. it’s the fact that he was right about having to find that there’s more to jesse than just his first impression. 

also, do yall like... notice that gustavo has a very specific way of smiling when he’s being the boss of los pollos hermanos. the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. a real smile always includes your eyes crinkling, but the more you look into this man’s eyes it’s genuinely just. plastic. gustavo has never smiled outside of that incident. gustavo has never expressed any emotion outside of pure rage and terror, meanwhile back in the older days, he actually used to take better action.

guess who actually let him have the smirk of pride?

jesse. 

back in the mexico epsiode, where the kid proved himself to actually be a leader in leading this shithole of a lab? yeah, sure, big dick = being good impression for power, probably also cements the fact that he’s incredibly useful for the future of the empire (lmao what empire am i right haashdahfhdf *sobs*), but my ass has Witnessed both better call saul and breaking bad to fucking confirm that this is probably the only genuine time gustavo has smirked. IT REACHED THIS DUDE’S EYE, LIKE, IDK WITH YOU BUT THAT’S A FEAT IN ITSELF EVEN IF IT’S JSUT A SLIGHT TWITCH. IM PROBABLY GOING INSANE BUT IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE

you know what makes me salty is that it seems like not a lot of fics invest in this fact, but gus seems to just have the absolute worst time handling emotions. yeah, sure, all of these guys are dudes who repressed their trauma, but we all have FIRST HAND WITNESS as to how that fucking came to be. his emotions disappeared from losing the one person who he’s had such an intimate connection with, it’s probably even the last time he’s cried or screamed considering we see none of that shit. gustavo twitches, shakes, but the rest of his rage comes from killing people and even that it’s just pure silence. he’s so viscerally broken that it’s actually heartbreaking to know how easily he can just shut it out until he’s alone. 

and i bring this up ‘cause this is the factor of potential in the relationship that i’m obsessed with. i’ve been absolutely taken by the headcanon that max used to be like jesse, he had a talent in picking things up but had the unfortunate habit of using in the middle of it all. 

it’s a punch to the gut. seeing someone young, inexperienced but already so exhausted. gus doesn’t know if it’s pleasant or if it’s absolutely splitting, but for every twitch in gus’s expression and the way he’s slowly approaching jesse beckons him into having to forcefully realize that the walls that he’s put up are slowly, ever so slightly, reaching. 

for the first time, gustavo wants to feel it for himself. 

it’s about what could have been, really. he feels affection for him, and he’s... he’s not afraid, or angry about it, it’s more of something confusing and nostalgic and it’s awful, but he wants to hold jesse’s face in his hands and care for him the way he knows how. 

or, if he still ever really remembers to. 

he tries not to let it get to him. 

for jesse, on the other hand, we know what’s going on with him: it’s horrible. it’s unfortunate. someone come give this kid a hug (*AHEM*) 

he’s the before process of everybody involved in this goddamn show. 

what could this guy possibly ever really see in a monster like gus?

well, for one thing, in spite of everything, he could never stomach another death unless it really had to be done. even then, he’s only human. and because he knows that gus has told him that he sees something in him, that’s given him that leverage to know what kind of person gus must be. 

like, he’s curious. but he also wants to hear that he can make somebody proud, and that somebody could adore him for that. (and they do, don’t worry baby)

so what’s jesse’s end on the bargain? 

what he wants in a man is a figure who actually deserves the care he gives. he craves affection and love and is unintentionally working through those barriers, wanting to know things from gus that the guy has never really bothered to specify. 

he... hates to think about it. but theres something that he really, really wants from gus’s positive attention. it’s earned, and deserving, and it’s rare but gus wants to be a person sometimes, too. jesse makes him feel like a person every time he fucking drags him through the dirt, but the fact that he’s never changed the way he’s spoken means that it’s the equal footing they have to be on. 

so sometimes he accidentally catches the looks: the unrestrained relaxed demeanor gus adapts, lingering grasps on his shoulders. to him, gus is a man who’s probably never touched anybody without the intent of strangling to death, but he’s about to be wronged. semi-wronged. gustavo has never given affection in a long time, but now he’s giving this random kid a soft spot because it’s a relationship that he for once has never been yelled at for being all wrong or doing everything badly. 

maybe that’s why jesse wants to know about it. being special will always mean so much to him, because clearly it’s been difficult to get that. intimacy is just a differrent thing when it comes to the both of them. it always starts with attachment. 

[moodypotathoe]

some of my favourite shows

(and reasons why u should watch them hehe)

this post includes minor spoilers as i talk about what the shows are about. read at your own risk lol <3

Anne With An E

the show is about a young orphan Anne who accidentally gets adopted, but they decide to take her and give her a good life as their child. everyone should watch this show just bc anne is such a nice role model specially for young girls. most of the times she is relatable which made me feel like im not the only one going through things.

Living With Yourself

it is about a man “accidentally” getting cloned and the clone taking over his life??? it was pretty fun to watch for me and i think it would give u a nice laugh if u need one. also Paul Rudd stars in it and im like obsessed with him hehe.

Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina

im pretty sure most people already know about this show, the show revolves around Sabrina who is a teenage witch. its supposed to be a horror show i guess but in my opinion it was more of a mystery/drama. for some reason the show gives me nostalgic vibes because i loved watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch as a child but even if u did not watch the cartoon i think you would still enjoy the show. sadly the last chapter of the series has been cancelled by Netflix so the show will end with chapter 4 (the upcoming season) most likely on a cliffhanger, i dont know if that will be an issue for u but if not i 100% suggest this show

The End Of The Fucking World

the show is about two psychopathic (?) teenagers running away because their lives suck. initially James’ plan is to kill Alyssa but he changes his mind along the way. in my opinion the first season is way better than the second one so even if u wont watch the second season you should watch the first one. the series have everything u can ask for romance, drama, mystery, action LITERALLY ANYTHING. if u havent watched this yet you are missing out on a lot.

Sex Education

again most people have watched this show and if you havent you should. the show is about Otis whose mother is a sex therapist and Maeve who is a rebel. they get together to start a sex theraphy business but as the series go on they fall in love but never admit i guess? the second season ends with the worst fucking cliffhanger so if you havent watched this yet just wait for season 3.

all the shows i mentioned are available on netflix

i hope you enjoyed this :) i’ll probably make further parts as i watch a lot of series haha

[poisonheadcrabsalesman]

okay for real, top 10 video game monster designd

okay so this will be a mix of games i have played/seen and also range in age and quality. This also got long oh my god im sorry, i pulled up my xbox achievements to refresh and I got nostalgic. There are better designs out there but this was on my brain.

1. Gravemind/ The Flood - scared the shit out of me and they’re super gross and vaguely unknowable. Also the gross level I showed you from Halo 3 was the bane of my existence. The thing speaks in trochaic heptameter and says raw ass lines like “I AM A MONUMENT TO ALL YOUR SINS”

2. Jeff from HL:A no spoilers but enemies like that stress me out and he is well executed and designed. A gross dude. I have not played but have watched 2 full playthroughs.

3. All the funky lil dudes from Voodoo Vince for the original Xbox. Fucked up weird ass game that has a charming art style and a lot of platforming. The Imps, bubba gators, and Gingerdeadmen stick out.

4. The sleepytime robots from Battle for Bikini Bottom, stealth based stress plus loud warning noise. My brother and I hated the Rock Bottom level but this game and its music are ingrained in our DNA now.

5. Cacodemon. good round design and I love the evolution over the years. Glory killing the bastards as I figure out Doom Eternal is rewarding.

6. Elites/ Sangheili - yes another halo enemy. But the design is cool and different from regular space marine shooters. The entire culture and structure of the covenant is interesting and way too much lore is involved but the Elites were always so cool to me, compared to the Brutes/Jiralhanae, which are just a bunch of angry gorilla men. And I mean the Arbiter is right there y’all. They also have energy swords.

7. Striders! I’m remembering all the weird biotech synth enemies from Half Life but Striders are terrifying. Flesh and Machine and horrible calls signalling open fire. The tripod war of the worlds thing going on. The Combine scared me playing the games when they first came out because they were so mysterious and unexplained, were they still people or machine and the alien-ness was scary. I’m not scared of Hunters anymore because you can murder them with their own flechettes pretty easily once you get it down.

8. Fallout - Deathclaws. Okay yeah big scary dino, mutated chameleon thing, but these things are fast and tough and the fucking quarry in New Vegas? Leaving Goodsprings and trying to apply Elder Scrolls “I can probably outrun this” logic DOES NOT WORK. They are a great monster, they lumber, they roar, and they will get you. You see one before it sees you and you might have a head start.

9. I might be one of 3 people on this site to play them but Shadow of Mordor/ Shadow of War is fun. Yes it is basically a lotr fanfic game, but the nemesis system is fucking amazing I do not care what people said. Yes its a batman/ass creed clone. SO? I have fun killing orcs! WELL DESIGNED, LOVINGLY GENERATED ORCS. They have personalities and a history with the player character and a set of revolving traits. Also Carnan is fun. Caragors and Graugs, fuck ghuls, but fun design is a lotr homage playground. I wish something else was coming from this studio. If you’re out there Tumhorn Life Drinker I’m not dying again you bastard.

and finally

10. Okay so lore time for this blog. Poison Headcrab zombies are the worst. Great design, scary as fuck, fucked up noises, and really dangerous in close quarters. Headcrabs in general are great designs, i see u facehugger 2.0. Also enemy that jumps at face? awful! more please! anyways, Poison headcrab zombies.

There’s a couple in Ravenholm and a few in abandoned houses on the coast and in the hospital. I hate the noises they make. I used to replay the Orange Box up to Ravenholm and stop back when i was a kid. During my replay this year, my brother was helping me finally do the lambda cache achievement. Whenever we heard one of the zombies call we’d reenact that scene from spongebob where he’d turn around and yell ‘It sounds like someone’s trying to SELL ME SOMETHING!” and so we called them salesmen. “Uh oh, there’s a salesman up ahead, did you hear that?” This whole blog is a terrible inside joke of a spongebob reference used during a half life 2 play-through. You are now cursed with knowledge! Thanks for putting up with me!

[fieldfullofbangtan]

bts hc: as wizards

 you can thank sims 4 realm of magic and the fact that my hair is now ~pastel pink~ for this magical mess. it was super nostalgic researching harry potter spells and charms and now i really want to rewatch the entire harry potter series.

made it long because i feel like i’ve left yall on read for a while :p

(credit to this person on Amino that wrote an awesome post about the members and their wands/patronuses!)

Seokjin

griffindor

patronus: mink

wand: mahogany

clever and funny

he’s brave but also kinda a wuss

the ghosts just roaming about the school terrify him

plus HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THE SPIDERS OUT THERE?

truly is the eomma of all the griffindors

mostly learns spells that improve his looks and lifestyle

pimples? PFFT.

hasn’t showered in 4 days? boi still smells like a field of roses

what even is expelliarmus?

would turn himself into a flower first chance he gets

“this is my true form”

queue the rest of the members putting him in a cupboard and just leaving him there

cleans up everybody’s messes

the type of wizard that uses Lumos to get good lighting for a selfie

will prefer home cooked food over this magical crap any day

“wtf is this.”

“chocolate frogs!”

“... YOU CALL THIS FOOD?”

Namjoon

griffindor

patronus: magpie

wand: fir

intelligent and a strong leader

fir wands demand strength and power from their owners

a total klutz but he has jin that can save him

also the spell reparo comes in handy A LOT

his clumsiness becomes life threatening when magic is involved

“Incendio! OH SHIT”

“WTF WHY WOULD YOU LIGHT ME ON FIRE MAN?”

“Sorry Jin I was just trying to make you stay still!”

“THATS IMMOBULUS YOU DUMBASS”

woopsie indeed

not permitted to ride his broom anymore

last time he almost killed himself and four others

everybody loves him anyways

especially the teachers because he’s a teachers pet

it’s not his fault he’s a genius

who occasionally sets his friends on fire

potion-making will likely end badly

cut him some slack k

he has a lot on his plate

(can i just say how much i love this account and their art, please check them out)

Yoongi

slytherin

patronus: buzzard

wand: vine

sly mf

introverted but can be super talkative if he wants something

cold exterior but has a warm heart

always trying to better himself

that trait doesn’t really go hand in hand with his love for sleep

will use the bewitched sleep charm on himself

and the protego spell to keep people away from him

“hey hyung”

“im sleeping”

“but hyung-”

“Flipendo”

*jimin flies across the fkn room*

“i said im sleeping”

he’ll kiss his head sorry later don’t worry

arrives 10 minutes late on the dot to every class 

doesn’t fail them tho

secretly nerdy cuz he reads a lot

also acts tough but gets scared easy

defense against the dark arts class is the worst for him

hard shell but a true softie on the inside

Hoseok

hufflepuff

patronus: polecat 

wand: dogwood

needs to be saved

the talking paintings have it in for him

they’ll pose perfectly still until he walks past and they’ll scare the shit out of him

waves around his wand and yells ‘Riddikulus’ at anything mildly unnerving

he’s an angel tho

a true hufflepuff

knows everyone in school

could burn the school down and nobody would be mad at him

you’d think his scaredy ass wouldn’t be a prankster

and you’d be wrong

he uses his magic for good and for evil

good as in he makes everyone around him happy

evil as in sometime he’ll use immobulus on his friends so that he can cuddle the shit out of them

gets in trouble thanks to his imbecile friends

“don’t worry hobi the forbidden forest is just a myth, its totally harmless”

*3 minutes later he fkn faints from seeing a normal sized spider*

“I TRUSTED YOU JUNGKOOK”

Jimin

slytherin

patronus: dapple gray stallion

wand: willow

sneaky but sweet slytherin

the kinda person who looks super sweet and innocent

but will wreck you in a duel

he’s a shy boy

until you get him out of his shell

or get him drunk

all the girls have the hots for him

some guys as well

maybe even one or two professors

though he will deny it until his last breath

a hard core perfectionist so he won’t be satisfied until his spells and potions are absolutely perfect

the one spell he knows perfectly is the healing spell

thanks to his friends because he has to use it on them constantly

Namjoon sprained his ankle falling down the stairs?

“episkey”

Jungkook got hit in the face with the Quaffle ball?

“episkey”

Hoseok fell off his broom?

“oh for fucks sake... episkey”

everyone would be hopeless without him

and injured

Taehyung

hufflepuff

patronus: chestnut mare

wand: hazel

a wonderful... mess

super lovable 

makes everyone around him feel comfortable

doesn't shy away from his emotions

which is a great thing

until he gets angry and lights something on fire

or sad and casts a mute bubble around him so nobody can talk to him

or god forbid overly happy and energetic

he will wingardium leviosa the shit out of everyone and everything

“FLY MY FRIENDS FLY”

yoongi wont have it

“TAEHYUNG IF YOU DONT LET ME DOWN RIGHT NOW I WILL KILL YOU”

care of magical creatures is his favorite class

he has a weird bond with all the animals

he even talks to them as if they talk back and weirdly enough it seems like they understand

could probably befriend a dragon

definately the one in the group that has a toad for a pet companion

jungkook made him join quidditch

looking back it was a dumb idea

now he’s obsessed and would probably risk his life just to win

passionate boy

he truly is a blessing to the people around him 

Jungkook

ravenclaw

patronus: black stallion

wand: hornbeam

smart

and athletic

and handsome

do i sense a true ravenclaw

always has to be right

super argumentative and competitive

“Im right you’re wrong shut up”

obviously undefeated at quidditch

and obviously the one who catches the golden snitch

has forced everyone except namjoon to play and it’s a mess

“Hoseok you have to get the ball through the rings not pass it to the opposite team”

“You have to actually fly around Yoongi you cant just be still”

“Ok I know I said tackling was allowed but you can’t grab onto someone elses broom Jimin”

he’s got a lot on his plate but he’s still having fun

only because he loves his hyungs

even though he’s pretty much talented at everything he’s still pretty grounded

super loyal to his friends and family

also has the dopest fkn owl

has the whole package pretty much

what hogwarts house are you? im a proud griffindor 

[dnpsuck]

once you get around to listening to lover what did you think !!! im v curious on your opinions about it heh

thank u for wanting my opinion. i thought i was gonna make it a brief review thingy but i cannot be brief for the life of me. i’m sorry. anyway,

i’mthankful it’s a long album because based on me! i knew i’d like it. not thatme! is a masterpiece or anything but it’s brighter and more fun than herprevious era which i Did Not like. i know reputation is, taylor swift history-wise, important. it’san album she did no press for and allowed the songs speak for themselves and i really like this idea and the sentiment behind it, i’m just Not A Fan of the execution. edgy taylor swift doesn’twork for me. don’t blame me slaps tho. i’ll probably compare these songs to alot of reputation, sorry.

anyway. loveris a more colorful album and probably my favorite pop album from ms. swift, i’m not good at like. Grading things so i won’t be like ‘this is a 8.5 kind of album’ cause like. i don’t know numbers? what you need to know is that it’s a good album. let’s gowith the tracks:

may i add that this is not coming from a taylor swift fan, however i have several friends who are into taylor swift so it’s hard not to get the slightest 2nd hand interest. 

i forgot that you existed: was excited as soon as it started! theproduction is lighter and less dramatic. i feel like contrary to reputationwhere she was kind of obsessed with the people who hurt her and betrayed her inthe previous years, this song is a nice way of letting go. a nicer, yet stillkind of shady, revenge by being like. Oh. You Mean Nothing To Me Anymore.

fave lyrics: “it isn’t love, it isn’thate, it’s just indifference so.. yeah.”

 cruel summer: the chorus…. amazing! i remember reallydisliking her reputation singles, especially “ready for it” because it was veryunnecessarily dark and, again – in my opinion – dark and edgy doesn’t work fortaylor swift.  BUT, rfi had that chorusthat escaped the intense beats and kind of went back a little to her 1989 eraand it’s the one thing from the song that i actually tolerated. and i feel likeall of cruel summer is song that fits the melody of the rfi chorus better thanrfi itself. does that make sense?

fave lyrics:the entire bridge but especially: “i don’twanna keep secrets just to keep you” and “i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?”

lover: 11/10. fucked me the fuck up. it’s a song aboutlove that isn’t a still-too-fresh-and-uncertain love, or some angsty love. it’sjust love. she’s properly in love and is singing about it with somuch care and certainty. it’s a happy song about the one she loves and how could i hate it? bestsong in the entire album. probably my 2nd fave taylor swift song ofall time

favelyrics: “with every guitar string scar onmy hand” so much is being said in this one fucking line. i absolutelyfucking love it. the fact that this song was 100% written by her is a big plus.

the man: honestly was kinda stressed about the kind of discoursethis one could cause, especially cause of the lack of addressing the whitenessof it all but idk. this is her ownexperience so how much can we ask from her? and also in many ways this feels like 5years late but i’m not gonna complain about this. better late than never (andshe has addressed sexism in her songs before so it’s not like she’s just starting at feminism). she’s made severalpoints w this one and it sounds good. 

favelyrics: the part where she’s like “what if i was bragging about the models i’mfucking?” cause like. girl is aware of aspecific group in her fandom and i appreciate the little nod (it being real ornot)

archer: love the lyrics. this was like. the 3rdsong from this album that she released and i was So Relieved to actually SEEsongwriter taylor swift coming through. it’s a great song about self hatred andreflection, etc. but i’ve listened to it enough times to know i’m gonna be skippingthis one when i’m listening to this album. 

favelyrics: “screaming ‘who could ever leaveme darling?’ but who could stay?”

 i think he knows: the chorus and her vocals… *chef’s kiss*. loveit. cute crush song. more mature yet fun style that works for her. 

fave lyrics:all of the chorus.

miss americana: i get it, i see the politics of it all but. i’mgonna skip it. soz 

favelyrics: “my team is losing, battered andbruising i see the high fives between the bad guys”

 paper rings: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS. again, pure,happy, bubbly, unashamed love. a love bop that i adore. 

fave lyrics:“i like shiny things but i’d marry youwith paper rings / i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this”

corneliastreet: it’s a nostalgic song that i can’t decide if it’s exactly abreak-up song or not. i like to think the “sacrednew beginning / that became my religion” lyrics are a nod to her bestreputation song aka don’t blame me. i’m so-so on this one but it’s definitely notbad, don’t think i’ll be skipping it for now. 

favelyrics: “that’s the kinda heartbreak timecould never mend / (…) and baby i get mystified by how this city scream yourname”

 death by a thousand cuts: eh? it’s nice and soft and sad-ish but. idk.not right now - since the album is still pretty fresh to me - but i’ll probablystart skipping this one eventually. 

favelyrics: “you said it was a great love,one for the ages / but if the story’s over why am I still writing pages?”

 bondon boy: i am so sorry for every londoner that had tolisten to this one. i could hear it being offensive as soon as she startedsaying those words. it sounds nice and fun but jesus christ taylor. it’s likesomeone from her label said “you gottamake it clear you’re fucking that joe dude or your album won’t sell” andtaylor immediately googled ‘british slang’ and wrote this song. 

fave lyrics:“but something happened i heard himlaughing / i saw the dimples first and then i heard the accent” i’m asimple phannie. i hear the word dimples i think of dan

soon you’ll get better: bro. was not ready. you can hear thepain and fear in her voice. the chorus kind of reminds me of “never grow up”(aka my fave taylor swift song), etc. the sad, almost hopeless addition of “cause you have to” is so heartbreaking. it’sa personal and gorgeous yet sad song, and she goes back to her country roots for this one,so that’s nice. absolutely beautiful. 

fave lyrics:hard to choose but “you like the nicernurses you make the best of a bad deal / i just pretend it isn’t real / i’llpaint the kitchen neon, i’ll brighten up the sky / i know i’ll never get itthere’s not a day that i won’t try” i hate, hate, the notion ofromanticizing a sad and scary situation like this one, and i think i understandthis as less of romanticizing and more of sympathizing with, cause i’ve alsobee in this situation with my family – but because it was just a few days agothat phil revealed his father’s battle with cancer, i couldn’t help but thinkof him too and how much he must have feared for his dad while still trying to keep it together for everyone around him.

false god: love the sax. i know i will fully love thissong at some point. i know it. i’m just not there yet. i like the parts when she has torush her words. i’ll get there with this one. 

favelyrics: “they all warned us about timeslike this / they say the road gets hard and you get lost”

 you need to calm down: fun, boppy, cute. i get what shewas going for and appreciate it. it’s a more carefree pop song and i’m okaywith it. not unskippable though. 

fave lyrics:“and i ain’t tryna mess with your self expressionbut i’ve learned a lesson that stressing and obsessing bout somebody else is nofun”

 afterglow: i don’t know yet. probably one i’ll skip. notbad, i don’t think there’s a song in this album that is necessarily Bad, butthis one is just not really memorable. 

fave lyrics:don’t have one actually. soz

me!: definitely not a masterpiece BUT introduced usto this era which is probably her best pop era. i loved the absolute changefrom the reputation era, bringing back colors, bringing back fun, introducing amore politically active taylor swift, etc. i also like the idea that she knowsthat this is not her best work but she knew that if she was gonna make a catchyradio friendly pop song, she��d make one that’s about self love, etc. 

fave lyrics: i’m a simple girl, “me e e e, o o o oh”

 it’s nice to have a friend: this folk-y vibe? works? is thisfolk? sorry if im being dumb. but it has a lonely vibe, it’s kind of really sadin a way, but it’s lovely at the same time. 

fave lyrics:“something gave you the nerve / to touchmy hand”

 daylight: a song about letting go and forgiving herselffor her past mistakes and learning to focus on the good parts of her life, morespecifically her lover. like new year’s eve was to reputation, this is a nicesong to wrap this album. 

fave lyrics:“you are what you love”

[ivydcmir-blog]

☁☼☁( ****. simay barlas. cis female. 21 ). welcome back to your summer paradise, IVY DEMIR we were wondering when you’d finally show up! the town’s really missed how MESMERIZING you are, even if you can be a bit AMORAL at times. we hear back home they call you the CHERRY PIT, makes sense considering you remind everyone of IMPORTED CIGARETTES, OLD LOVE SONGS COMING FROM A RECORD PLAYER, PERFUME AT THE BASE OF A THROAT, & FAST CARS AT MIDNIGHT.  ☁☼☁    

oh she’s extra late to the party ! im she .... my name’s xan im 22 and from the est timezone i go by she / her pronouns and ur watching disney channel <3 i am....so excited to bring ivy to life ... shes been my sleep paralysis demon for weeks its time for me to set her free baby ! lets go !

first things first ivy is inspired by characters like effy from skins, georgina & serena from gossip girl, and just a TINY bit of villanelle from killing eve ( not the....assassin part.... ) 

her daddy’s side of the family are oil tycoons and her mom’s side ? well ivy has no idea what they do or who they were

basically a little after ivy turned a year old her mother just . poofed...vanished into thin air and didn’t leave a trace behind. growing up ivy would hear a lot of rumors from the staff abt what kind of person her mom was or where she went but the one person who could tell her the truth ( her dad ) just refused to talk abt it. he got super angry anytime she used to try so ivy stopped asking !

she was born in tokyo actually ( on her parents anniversary trip, which was another mystery ) but was raised in manhattan ! she is absolutely in love with nyc and definitely considers it her home

so shes filthy rich and i mean like ... disgusting billionaire rich to the point that it’s just not right and you know, that definitely shaped her upbringing. even as a little girl ivy found it very clear the amount of power she has just by being born into the right family 

she was....kind of a strange child ! she was abnormally sharp for her age and intuitive and without that maternal figure in her life, ivy grew very attached to her father. he’d even take her along to business meetings because she was well behaved

as she grew up it started to become apparent ivy liked to play games. the more she observed the people around her ( the staff, her dad, his business partners, the kids at school, etc. ) the better she got at finding out what made people tick. sometimes her games were harmless ( like flirting with the boys she knew her friends were crushing on ) and sometimes they were more intense ( like setting up empty pill bottles around her and pretending she’d overdosed to freak out the maids ) ask ivy why she did any of it and she’d simply tell you she was bored

high school ivy was very much reckless like this. she found the upper east side teen drama so dreary she’d often act out just for a change of pace. i’d like to think she broke the record for most detentions at whatever private school she went to. she was definitely someone just about everyone knew just because of all the rumors she stirred up doing crazy things 

despite all the misdemeanors she got into yale ! her dad is basically on of the biggest donors to the university. there’s probably a building somewhere on campus with her last name on it, but ivy really couldnt care less. she didnt exactly want to go to college and she definitely didnt want to leave nyc, but shes got this weird complex with her dad and really cannot tell the man no ! so she majors in classics just bc she thought it’d be neat to have to learn latin 

of course ... she starts to get bored. she’s already barely attending classes and on academic probation so when it leaks to the dean she’s sleeping with a professor ? ivy was sure it’d be expulsion.....but then it wasn’t ! turned out her dad had made a special deal with yale and after a nice monetary exchange it was like ivy never did anything....

after her dad announced he was going to turkey for his brother’s funeral last august she decided to "take a gap year” from yale but really she’s got no plan to ever go back ! instead she disappeared much like her mother did for a whole year without a trace. she told absolutely no one where she was going or what she was doing.....and she’s come back to the hamptons for the summer with no warning ! 

PERSONALITY & TIDBITS

so ivy is....all over the place ! most of the way she behaves is because she finds it a bit too easy to grow bored. still very much into playing games with people bc she gets a kick out of it ! it takes a lot for ivy to take anything seriously so she’s not exactly the best person to come to if you need advice or comfort. if you’re looking for excitement? trouble? an out of body experience ? then she is 100% your girl 

for someone so chaotic she is weirdly nostalgic and sentimental about things. she’s obsessed with greek heroes and foreign poets and superstitions and it’s not uncommon to find her getting existential with you with a cigarette dangling from her fingertips and a foggy look in her eyes. she’ll say something that seems entirely deep and profound one minute, and the next she’s blowing smoke in your face asking if you want to do a line in the bathroom with a wicked smile on her painted lips

a huge flirt ! she will and she does hit on absolutely everyone. definitely not the traditionally romantic type but she does go through phases where she tends to hyper fixate on others for specific periods of time. until she gets bored. it’s a vicious cycle

full of unhealthy habits that include drinking, smoking, doing drugs, fucking around, but the worst is how little she sleeps. she’s been prone to nightmares ever since she was a kid but she’s never acknowledged it as a problem despite it obviously being one

once she flew to paris with nothing but a cheap pink wig. wore it the whole time she was there and called herself yvette. 

picked up her father’s obsession with luxury cars. not only does she collect them, she races them, too. most infamous stint was showing up to a race in an evening gown and winning. 

speaks about five languages fluently. often likes to fuck with snobby rich people at high society events by pretending she can’t speak or understand english, only to turn around and speak to someone else in perfect english

it’s rumored she once snuck onto the yacht of a ceo to a fortune 500 company, only for him to find her in nothing but a bath towel eating chocolates while flipping through his playboy magazines, and that he was so taken with her instead of pressing charges he decided to name the boat after ivy.  

rumors are rumors, but you really never know with ivy....

thats it !!! if you’re reading this you made it !! please come plot with me i know im late but i have a lot of heart memes saved up and i cant use those by myself </3 we can message through im’s but im 100% easier to get in contact with over discord @  EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172

[sadb0ysims]

THE SIMSELF TAG featuring yours truly and her wonderful assistant, antoinette

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? mia and thats all ur getting out of me

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? oh god we have some embarrassing ones but jordan and jords are nicknames of mine and u might be able to guess the other obvious ones dgjhfdj

3. BIRTHDAY? february 25th babey

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? OH uhh princess diaries by meg cabot probably

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? not to sure about those funky alien dudes but ehh yeah i believe in ghosts

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? i’d say michael morpurgo but that’s probably because his books were shoved down my throat at an early age DKJDFGJ if you can have a favourite poet i can answer this: atticus and lang leav

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? radio one probably!!

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? the purple one. like, starburst? purple. wine gum? purple

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? being the millenial i am probably Uh...li...litty

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? OH Hm i’d say ocean eyes by billie eilish

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Hm!

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  copycat by billie eilish!!

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? LIE TO ME IS THE UNDER APPRECIATED SERIES OF THE CENTURY

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? oh uhh i don’t watch films a lot and especially not if i’m feeling?? sad

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? never heard of them

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? OH jesus lets say. being forgotten or making no difference in the world

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? oh Jesus not a lot of these GJFDH over the past mm month or so i’d say i’ve grown a lot as a person in the fact that i have more respect for myself than i used to, and if i have an opinion on something i evaluate it and decide Do People Really Need To Know? (DPRNTK)

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? EASY my weird. defense mechanism thing. i’ve gotten a bit better in my opinion but the reason i’m usually in so much trouble is because as soon as i’m attacked, i act with anger? its some weird defensive wall that i put up and regret later because i’m not really thinking like a rational person. i just see that i’m being attacked and my first thought is to fight back

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? OH cats because i haven’t had one in ages. one of our cats was run over and the other was taken by our neighbours and now he doesn’t even remember us or respond to his name so thats really fun

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? SUMMER because my skin turns olive in the summer and right now. a bitch is pale! also school is so much nicer in the summer... the whole yeargroup feels like much more of a community because we all sit together outside n it’s just overall very fun and makes me nostalgic of year 7

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? bitch u really thought-

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? still in it but. because of a lot of things i was forced to grow up very fast. something i miss is having everyone in the house (my siblings are both a lot older than me so they’re never around) and not having to worry about fitting into certain stereotypes or WASHING MY HAIR!!!!!

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? oh god ok so i have a “best friend” but we don’t. agree on a lot of things and she takes everything i say 100% seriously so even though we’re not close i’d consider this group of boys from my school my best friends. and online ofc i have Many Many good friends which i would name but i dont wanna leave anyone out bc i talk to A Lot of people DGHDFJ

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue blue blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? blonde babey

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my brother

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? would say myself but sometimes i’m not even sure i can trust HER

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? i think about people loads because im a lonely romantic so. i’d say Love Interest and i think about myself a whole lot too like who does this bitch think she is

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? all the time i’m looking forward to things bc. not a whole lot happens in my life so if Love Interest looks at me a certain way i’ll look forward to going to school for the next couple weeks FDJGHFDJ

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? i think of the future way too much. she’s a dreamer

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? oh god uhhh i used to cry at in the night garden all the time when it ended bc i hated that iggle piggle sailed away on his boat DJHFD it was probably still my favourite though

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? i had a best friend who moved away after year seven and i feel like i could but. who knows we haven’t seen each other for years

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? sigh i think so like does it count if my tarot deck says not to do something because. i trust those tarot bitches with all my soul if i have one

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? don’t like the dark, i have a fear of holes, can’t sleep without the door open, can’t sleep when i can see in a mirror (fun fact theres a mirror in my room but it’s on a shelf which i can barely see at night like. i can see a glimpse. but knowing it’s there freaks me out so its flipped and has something covering it)

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? oh ummmm in front i guess because 1. i look horrible in photos other people have taken of me 2. technically being in front of it. you can still take selfies and 3. the people i know take pictures from really weird angles

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? we love a bit of vidya games but i love reading poetry because i’m a whore and also i like singing but that doesn’t mean im good at it!

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? UHHH god i really dont read uhh probably lullabies by lang leav

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? romeo and juliet (the blessed one featuring young leo dicaprio)

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i can play the guitar, the recorder, a bit of the piano

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? GIRAFFES it’s really sad that they’re now endangered. if ur talkin domestic pets i love guinea pigs, cats and (i’ve never had them but rats

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? don’t. this’ll turn into a follow forever and i won’t get any clout bc it’s in such a long post !

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? OH hm. i thought as hard as my tiny brain could about this and i think teleportation would be interesting but if we can choose ANY superpower. is magic one? that’d b pretty wack

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? when i’m walking to school at half 7 in the morning and no one’s there and i can hear the trees lining the field rustling in the wind in the distance. it was rainng this morning and even though my whole ass was exposed from the wind and i was soaking it was really peaceful. also there’s a red kite that’s resident to our school field and i love to stand there in the morning and watch it sometimes

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? feeling included DGJHDJ doesn’t happen a whole lot

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i play a lot of sports because i’m in school obviously but i’m really good at rugby bc a bitch is Tactical and Nimble. i love hockey and badminton and stuff though

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? i LOVE smoothies and milkshakes and everything ugh. i’d be bold enough to say i love drinks more than i love food. like apple juice orange juice MIXED juice smoothies BROWN BAG MILKSHAKES! BITCH! THE STRAWBERRY ONE IS SO GOOD UGH

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? oh jesus um. 4 years ago

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? fuck yeah brother

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? UGH A LOT OF THINGS like. people biting their nails. people tapping their foot on my chair. people not listening when you’re explaining something THEY needed help with. tapping a pen on a desk or clicking it on and off

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nop

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? my mother is a vegetarian so i eat a lot of vegetarian meals. sometimes i get really put off meat but like. a bitch is 13 and doesn’t pay for her own meals so she doesn’t really get a say in what she eats

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? always wanted to entertain people and be nationally recognised. take that as u will

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? TOO MANY let’s go... the arcana so i can marry the 1 (one) love of my life dr julian ilyushka devorak... chill in the hanged man’s realm...

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? i don’t worry about a lot not gonna lie to u

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? cheers i’ll drink to that broe

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? if the screeching sound i make to a slight tune counts as singing then. yes

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? not illegally but i’ve had days off sick where i wasn’t sick bc i couldn’t be asked

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? alone

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? somewhere safe

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yeah i have a dog and a cat but as i said m cat got taken by my neighbours and doesn’t even remember us so sjfhdjg

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but if i’m rested well enough i love being up early

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsets

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? no a bitch is 13

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? probably headphones bc i can’t lose them and the sound quality is better but i’m not a MONSTER so earphones. also headphones automatically make old people scoff at u and hate u more

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? whatever’s poetic enough to be On Brand

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? don’t really have one

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? no

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? the holier than thou attitude Often showcased on simblr by some. familiar faces

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? it doesn’t really make a difference

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? computer science (mainly for the people because right now we’re just making fucking. powerpoints) or english bc of the people again

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? yee a brother and a sister

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? christmas presents and some perfume & a purse for me

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′4

75. CAN YOU COOK? not well

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? attention DFJHGSDJ uhh being kind to people who deserve it and hard work paying off

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? patronization, people who believe their opinion is the only opinion and people who cause minor inconveniences for you for no reason

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? more female probably but i prefer guys

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? i say bisexual but no one’s ever been close enough to let me find out

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? party in the UK

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? kyla rosymiel

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? UHHH i really can’t remember i know me and kyla were talking about something and i started crying JGFHDGJ

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? oh god umm probably smii7y but i also really like all his friends like. kryoz etc

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? when i look good FJDHSJD

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? would say tumblr but she’s gone ! right now i’m really feeling zepeto bc It May Be Tracking Me but it lets me take pics with all my online friends and i have some sort of weird following on there SDFHSDJ

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? i don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully confide in them, i really like my dad but there’s elements of him that don’t really float my boat. same with my mum but i’m less close with her

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? probably australian or. is it swiss? might be swiss.

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? france and ofc america

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 4

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? with like 2 things skdghsd

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? not really but i believe in a higher power of some sort and a life after death. i believe there’s something out there that is listening but i prefer to think it’s the stars

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? i find the ocean really ineresting but man will always romanticise space

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im a 13 year old white girl how ruthless can i be

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? sesame seeds

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nop but everyone else in my family can

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? nope

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? whenever i realise

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? i lie all the time but i am. SO terrible ASJDFHJ i would love to lie less but it’s so easy to slip into one

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? gryffindor

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? hell yea brother

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? kyla put ambivert so i looked that up and. yeah

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? did when i was younger but i guess tumblr is somewhat of a personal diary

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? depends

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? turn it in most likely

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? “yes, but you should never forget about their past” thanks kyla

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? only monsters aren’t

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? nope

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? i have my ears pierced. WILD i know

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? UGH FUCK DR JULIAN ILYUSHKA DEVORAK!! it’d be illegal for him to marry anyone but me though

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yep! i have a tattoo on my back. i plan on getting a lot more tattoos in the future, but i don’t want anymore in the near future

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? being outspoken and not. watching things pass by

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? of course

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? nopee

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? oof i really don’t know because of what’s happened to me i don’t know if i could knowing i could never protect them from everything. idk pregnancy seems very nice but once the kid gets annoying thats It for me

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? “i think everyone is smart in their own way” thanks kyla

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? i started laughing once in drama and i pissed myself a lil and i was like ehh thats fine i do that all the time and then i didnt stop pissing and someone was like ‘whats that wet on the floor? they were like mia have u pissed urslef i was like nOSDJF so i had to ask the teacher to leave. u coiuld see the piss down my leg

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? have u SEEN these bags. she’s seen hell 

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOUR CLOTHES? like varying tones of beige and then grey/black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? of course

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? oh uhhh i feel like maybe when i was younger but i’ve. repressed that memory if i have it

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 13 years young

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? oh jesus something poetic and by atticus probably let’s see

after spending more time searching for a quote than i did on literally this whole tag, i decided on this. and then i realised. it will always be ‘YOU ARE A SAD BOY’

[coffeetoxication]

the link to ch 9 of without hesitation doesnt work :( btw love your fanfic so far!! i adore the characterization that youve put in

With the witching hour rolling in and Ren being wide awake due to the number of naps that he’s had today, he was playing around on his phone while Stimpy is fast asleep. After their little fun that they’ve had in the bath including having a long make out session in the shower, Ren couldn’t really get Johnathan out of his mind. He hasn’t really texted him ever since this morning and he was starting to worry if he was making Johnathan feel left out. With a sigh, he got out from the bed quietly as he could and went downstairs towards the kitchen. He was debating if he should make some coffee or not. Though he didn’t want to be too wired, he pulls out his messages to see if Johnathan messaged him yet.

Of course, nothing.

Putting his phone down on the kitchen counter, he peeked through the blinds of the window to look to see if there was anything going on. To his surprise, nothing. However, he did notice …. something just across the street. No, it was someone. Someone leaning against their car with what seems to be a cigarette in his hand. Considering that the guy was right under the street light, his hat had completely overshadowed his face. This was creepy beyond Ren’s comfort levels. The fact that this guy was just …. standing there and possibly staring right at him made his skin crawl. The guy probably knew that he was in there. Ren thanked himself that he didn’t turn on the living room lamp on. Though making sure that all windows and doors are locked is a must.

“Creepy fucker.” Ren mumbled to himself as he quickly went to make sure that all doors and windows were absolutely shut and locked.

God only knows of what this guy wants. Frankly, Ren didn’t WANT to know.

Kitchen, bathroom, living room, guest room, … everything seemed locked and untouched from the first floor. Now, the last room to check was upstairs bedroom and bathroom. Looking up, he suddenly hated on how the stairs looked. Dark and ominous. Letting his imagination get the best of him like a scared child. Thinking such irrational silly things like hands coming out of the walls and underneath the stairs and drag him away.

“ … run up the stairs you fuckin’ pussy …” Ren tells himself, taking a deep breath and closes his eyes tightly.

Just like that, Ren ran up as quickly as he could, almost tripping a couple of times.

Reaching upstairs, Ren felt the relief overcome him. Knowing that Stimpy was in the bedroom practically snoring made him feel calm for once. Tip-toeing around the remaining rooms, Ren felt something that was rather … off. He really couldn’t put his finger on it, but it felt as if he was being watched. He didn’t dare to think that there were more of them out there. God, he had hoped and prayed that the one by the street light is just the one.

Making sure, and very much sure that he was going to regret it, he goes by the bedroom blinds and goes to check outside carefully. The worst part of it was that it was completely dark. Not even the street lights were bright enough to pierce the darkness of their backyard. In a way, it kind of relieved him. If it was too dark to see outside, it would be too dark for anybody to see anything from the inside. It was possibly his own paranoia that was making him feel this way. He was contemplating about calling the cops, but the guy would’ve been far from gone by the time they get here. What would he tell them? That some creepy fuck was outside his house and he had no idea of what he looked like? Yeah. Sure.

With an exhausted sigh, he got into bed slowly and crawled inside the covers. It was hard to believe, but Ren was scared. Very scared to the point where he began to shiver.

Feeling Stimpy’s warmth radiating from him, Ren scooted himself closer to him. Even tightly wrapping both of his arms around Stimpy’s. Closing his eyes tightly. Ears picking up the clanks and creaks of the house resting making him think it was someone lurking around.

“S-stimpy …?” Ren whimpered, “S …… stimpy?”

With a few shakes and even a good harsh nudges with his knees, he finally got him to wake up and to cease his obnoxious snoring.

“Mmmmm, hmmm?” Stimpy groaned, one eye peeking at Ren.

“I … I can’t sleep …….” Ren whispered.

“Oh? …..” Stimpy rubs his eyes, almost on the verge of falling asleep again. “How come?”

Ren wanted to tell Stimpy about the man he had seen. However, it would probably turn out to be one of those cliche scenes where he would say something and then the man would be long gone by now. Ren didn’t really know of what to say. He was conflicted if he should tell another lie or tell Stimpy of what’s really going on for a change. Did he really need to worry about it? Would he really understand? Probably not.

“N-Nevermind, … I’ll tell ya in the mornin’.” Ren mumbled, pulling the covers over him.

“Mmmm, …. okaaayyy …” Stimpy yawns as he wraps an arm around him.

From there, Ren felt an immediate sense of security. Stimpy pulling him into a sleepy embrace made him feel so stupidly warm and fluttery inside. Letting Stimpy do whatever he wants, he closes his eyes to drift into a calm sleep.

*~*~*~*~

With the remaining hours left before sunrise, Johnathan remained awake in the home of Mr. Horse. The environment around him was … overwhelming. He wasn’t used to being in homes that were filled with expensive furniture, antiques, and bookcases larger than himself. All he’s ever known was cheap hotels, trailer parks, and beat down apartments. Everything was a struggle. To do what he had to do to keep a roof over himself along with his father, it didn’t matter how filth-ridden the place was, it was home.

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t envious. To be in a high-class house like this, it was like a dream. A dream that was his a long time ago back in college. How all of his hard work studying and working long-shifts would pay off. How life would owe him in the end.

But life has it’s own set of rules. How cruel and unfair it can be. Johnathan understood that reality. If only his father would. If he knew then of what he knows now, none of this would’ve happened.

However, …. there’s no point dwelling on it now. Johnathan was far too tired to really cause his body anymore stress. He didn’t want to bother to look at his phone either.

Maybe a book would help. It’s been a while since he’s really picked up a book. Not that he wanted to. Just never found the time.

Getting up from his bed in the guest room, he makes his way towards the living room as he turns a lamp on. The hardwood floor cold beneath his feet, it was oddly comforting. The room itself had a cozy atmosphere. An unlit fireplace with a widescreen t.v above it, two leather reading chairs, a couch that looks to be soft to the touch, a mahogany book case that was filled with a variety of books it seems, and finally … a simple rug in the middle of the room. Letting out a content sigh, Johnathan begins to scan through the book case with the tip of his index finger. Psychology, sociology, psychopathology, neuropsychology, philosophy, some written by independent authors about their experiences as therapists, and … even some poetry. H.P Lovecraft, Tennessee Williams, Sylvia Plath, and even Edgar Allan Poe. Haven’t heard that name since high school, he thought. Feeling nostalgic, he pulled out the book of which contained all of Poe’s notorious writings and poems.  

Johnathan remembered how he had to do a report about Poe and what writing of his influenced him the most while Ren had Emily Dickinson. The echoing voice of Ren’s complaining ringed in his ears.

“Seriously, how am I supposed to understand this poetic shit? If I really wanted to be THIS depressed I would’ve gone through my ol’ man’s ‘secret’ stash.”

“The whole point of understanding these poets, Ren, is that they’ve used this type of writing to expel their anguishes even if may seem out of the norm. Not a lot of people back in those times really understood depression or how to properly deal with it.”

“Okay there, Mr. Analysis, no need to go all out on me. Ya might choke. Who you workin’ on?”

“Edgar Allan Poe.”

“Hmm, never heard of ‘im. Is he just as depressing as dickson or whatever the fuck her name is?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that, but he has a unique style of writing. He kind of adds a little bit of horror in his works which gives it an extra edge to it, but I guess if I had to pick any of his works that I can relate to in a sense, is ‘Alone’.”

Alone.

Flipping the pages of the book, Johnathan had found it.

From childhood’s hour I have not beenAs others were–I have not seenAs others saw–I could not bringMy passions from a common spring–From the same source I have not takenMy sorrow–I could not awakenMy heart to joy at the same tone–And all I lov’d–I lov’d alone–

“And all I loved … I loved alone …” Johnathan whispered to himself, frowning as he did.

The nostalgia he felt now were tugged heart strings. Feeling the repressed pain that he had felt all those years were now swarming like a dropped wasps nest. This was not how he wanted to spend the rest of the night. Being all melancholy in a home that wasn’t his.

Deciding to put the book away, he started to look for something less depressing.  

While searching, his ear caught the sound of the floor creaking only to realize that someone was stepping inside of the living room. It startled him as he swiftly turned his head to find Mr. Horse by the entrance way. With his heart racing he stepped back from the bookcase as if to say “I wasn’t touching anything!”. However, seeing a small smile on Mr. Horse’s face made him relax.

“I see that you have taking a liking to my collection here …” He said, his voice hoarse as if he had just woken up.

“Y-Yeah, … I c-couldn’t really sleep, so I thought that reading would help. I … didn’t wake you up, did I?” Johnathan looked down, rubbing his arm in embarrassment.

“Of course not. I suppose you can call it an intuition. I always know when one is restless, so my body acts accordingly.” Mr. Horse shakes his had, placing a hand on Johnathan’s shoulder.

Johnathan can’t really have himself to forget on how gentle Mr. Horse with. The way he talks, how soft his touch is, and the welcoming aura around him makes Johnathan wish that he knew more people like him.  

“So, … may I ask of what is troubling you?” Mr. Horse took a seat on the couch, patting the spot right next to him.

With a deep sigh, Johnathan sat right next to him as he drooped his head. Elbows resting on his thighs with his fingers holding his chin, he wasn’t sure on where to start.

“Just …. everything. Me questioning of my own sanity, my … fucking dad, the thought of the mafia looking to serve my ol’ mans head on a silver platter to the head honcho, and ya know … asking myself of what the fuck I’m doing here.” Johnathan said, “Why ….. did I have to come here ….?”

Lowering his head even more, Johnathan felt as if he was tearing apart inside. He felt so lost into everything that it was hard to really try to tackle all of these problems at once. Johnathan had always had this sense of pride that he could try to outcome any situation even if it meant life and death. However, one could only handle the same situation multiple times to where they have come to the end of their rope. Johnathan, … was very much at the end of his …

“My dear boy, ….” Mr. Horse starts, “It doesn’t take a therapist to know on how much you’re currently going through. How emotionally and mentally straining everything is on you.”

Johnathan could only scoff at the obvious, not that Mr. Horse was wrong but just how true his words are.

“If I may be so bold as to give you suggestions to make it easier not only for you, but for your father as well. In return, you have to do something for me.”

“ …. Suggestions?”

“Yes. Now, listen carefully …”

[rearadmiralanarchy]

Have a Gio/Mis Oneshot

Because I don’t know how vacations work :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14469108

Some good old meme-inspired family fun

Giorno loved his father.

Honestly, he really did, in mostly complete disregard to the multitude of what he would consider grievous shortcomings. His father was selfishly ambitious, ruthlessly cunning, heartlessly driven, and was overall charismatic and way too smart for his own good. But Dio Brando was his father and Giorno loved him regardless, as sons often do. However, he really needed his father to back off from doing that thing he always did.

The controlling and manipulative thing where he said it was for 'your own good GioGio, honest,' but it was kind of an obvious ploy to get you to do what he wanted. Signing him up for rugby (rugby!) without his knowledge was the last straw. It had taken thirty-five minutes to get his name removed from the roster and the coach was still sending him desperate emails, hopeful he would be a star just like his dear old dad and like his father. The only sport he had been interested in was tennis, scoffed at by his father, which would have been enough spiteful fuel to keep at it if only it weren't so much effort.

He was old enough now, with a stable income, almost finished with his degree, and was tired of his father trying to control every aspect of his life like he was a miniature version of himself.

Which is why Giorno was on Craigslist.

He needed something... dramatic, something shocking that would- well it would be impossible to break his father's will- but at least make him chalk him up as a lost cause (like his other three half-brothers).

Hopefully.

The best case scenario would be causing his father to give up on trying to live vicariously through him, the worst case would be Dio pouring all of his considerable resources into a reclamation effort. Giorno had a plan though, requiring just a single last cog in the wheel. Thanksgiving was a week away, and with the holiday came a traditional family meal.

'Family' in the Brando household included all four children, Dio, Uncle Diego, a few business associates, and Dio's two lovers/companions: a priest and whoever Vanilla was. This would be the perfect time to make a debacle of things, which wasn't really something he did, but if his father brought up arranged marriages one more time- this plan had to work.

He just needed to find the right person to do it with.

Hence, his excursion to the personals section, to find the right dinner guest. He'd already told his father he'd be bringing his fiance and had come up with a whole list of things sure to get his father out of his hair. After several hours of reading through posts one finally caught his eye:

"Hi my name is Mista here to offer my services this thanksgiving holiday. Do you have a family member you want to annoy? Maybe you need to come out to a parent or you just want to fuck around with your family. Whatever the reason Im your guy! For the price of one homecooked meal and twenty bucks I can:

*pick a fight with one or more family members

*beat the shit out of one or more family members indoors or outdoors

*get into a political debate (I know nothing about politics but will try)

*pretend to get smashed or pretend like Im high

*pretend we are married/engaged/pregnant

*hit on other members of your family in front of your parents

*propose in front of everyone

I am a 28 year old convicted felon with several years of jail time who can benchpress 145kg. I have nothing above a ged I got in jail and drive a loud as hell motorcycle that will make your dad both nostalgic and pull out a shotgun. I am open to both genders and am covered in tattoos and piercings. So if you need an entirely platonic person to ruin your nice family dinner Im your guy!"

He was perfect.

Giorno immediately sent an email briefly expressing his situation and requirements. As well as the kicker. Dio Brando had maybe an inkling of his persuasion towards the same sex, but still held firm that he would find a nice woman or few, maybe settle down with one for a time, and crank out a few grandchildren for him to influence since his other three actual kids didn't even inherit his hair color let alone anything else of note.

So Giorno was going to come out during the family dinner and maybe even break out the f(iance)-word to really mess with his father and his irrational fear of intimacy. He hoped the man from the posting was cute or handsome, but supposed a burly type of person would be more suitable anyway.

He didn't receive a reply until twenty minutes into his lecture the next day, surreptitiously checking his phone while the professors back was turned, to the delight of it not being spam. He requested a picture to make sure the offer wasn't a fake, which was easy and fair enough, a more detailed list of requests as well as what would be allowable in terms of what he could say and do. It was surprisingly thoughtful, Giorno assumed maybe he had done this before. As for the limitations... he really just needed his father to step back from his life, so shock value and commitment was key, he had to make his father believe he was beyond help and reason.

A picture and no limitations sent out and Giorno eagerly awaited Thanksgiving. Mista's appearance was still a mystery but he at least gleaned some semblance of what his personality was like through e-mail correspondence. He seemed like a very laid back and open sort of person, taking everything in stride.

The day before Thanksgiving, Giorno finalized his plans by buying a cheap fake engagement ring and helping Mista chose an outfit (how one man could own so much animal print was beyond him). It was exciting and nerve-wrecking all at once, and by the time the family dinner started he was ready to explode with curiosity.

Mista arrived right on schedule fifteen minutes late, a brief trio of knocks at the door and a text with 'showtime ;)'. Giorno was the one to open the door to... a tanned skin, muscled man his height and unlike anything his imagination had worked up the past week or so.

He did indeed have a few piercings along his earlobes, eyebrows, snakebites on his lips, the peeking image of a tattoo under a leather jacket and... the most gaudy clothing. A leather jacket and white and blue diamond sweater-vest over a bright orange polo, with tiger stripe pants and high white boots.

But he was handsome in a very masculine way; hard muscles and broad shoulders, short and styled hair as dark as his eyes, high cheekbones and a chiseled jaw...

He was a fashion disaster.

He was exactly Giorno's type.

Giorno was awestruck- fortunately Mista picked up the slack in time for Dio to come down the hallway in time for a "sorry I'm late babe," and for the no-longer mysterious guest with the gorgeous voice to tilt his head and plant a kiss right on the blond's lips.

Giorno could hear a faint 'wry' in the background but was able to collect himself with the kiss. Bringing his hands up to thread through surprisingly soft hair, Giorno deepened the kiss, getting a hum of approval and a higher octave 'wry'.

"I'm glad you could make it, Mista," stealthily sliding the ring box into a pocket of the leather jacket with a wink- earning a smirk in response.

Giorno turned to his father, arm wrapped around his guest, who threw an arm over his shoulder, "father, this is my fiance, Mista."

"I can see where he gets his good looks," Mista winked, unabashedly eyeing Dio up and down, "Guido Mista, you got a nice place here, pops."

He was good, Dio looked caught in a cornucopia of emotions ranging from murderous, disgusted, furious, disappointed, with a little bit of hope thrown in- he probably had a few ideas on how to split them apart. That certainly wouldn't do, and wouldn't happen, not if he had any say in it.

"Now that Mista is here, we should move on with dinner, right father?"

Dio's face twisted in a look that screamed how much he'd rather not, "yes. Let's."

As soon as Dio had turned the corner, Mista dropped his arm and quietly asked "was that all okay?"

It was so sweet, "it was perfectly fine. You are very good at this."

"Really? This is the first time I've done something like this," lightly blushing as he scratched the back of his neck.

Cute, but unfortunately he collected himself and asked "you have anything special in mind for me to do at dinner?"

"How terrible of a conversationalist can you be?"

"I've been told I range from disgusting to disturbing."

"Perfect."

Giorno and Mista sat side by side much to the annoyed eyebrow twitch of Dio and collective looks of confusion from everyone else. Father Pucci looked visibly disturbed, but it was clearly a front. Vanilla's face was unchanging.

True to his word, Mista was a force to be reckoned with at the dinner table: shamelessly flirting with Giorno's half-brother's, discussing his theory of cannibalism loudly and enthusiastically, making embarrassing noises as he fed Giorno spoonfuls of various sides (whatever matched his plate).

A part of him was caught in the sick satisfaction of watching Dio's face, the other part was relishing the attention Mista was giving him. He was incredibly observant, having quickly picked up on his facial expressions- faster than some of his family had- and able to read the room and conversation with ease. Although his topics were exaggerated and purposefully off-putting, Giorno actually found himself joining in and interjecting his own unabashed opinions, earning a pierced smile every time.

He really liked his guest, liked the way he talked and thought, liked the danger and intrigue, liked how different he was. Giorno's life was a rigid series of routines under Dio's thumb and Mista was an alluring spark that had Giorno flushing every time he was spoon-fed and cooed at, with every smile and name-drop.

He kind of really liked Mista.

He- oh right, this was platonic, wasn't it? It was all too easy and very appealing to forget that they weren't really engaged, but he might as well indulge while he could, right? So he fed Mista sometimes too, nudged his feet, held his hand, called him sweet names he'd probably never call- had never called anyone before. He was met with such positive reactions that it made him a little braver than normal, glimmers of things that made him think that maybe Mista wanted this to be real too.

As soon as dessert was served, Mista gave him a subtle wink before sliding the ring box out of his pocket.

"Giorno I- I have something to ask you," he was good, "I know I'm uneducated," Dio knew something was wrong, "and an ex-convict," but he was too desensitized, "but I... will you marry me?"

He had gotten out of his chair, on one knee, offering the ring up as everyone gaped and stared.

"Guido," smiling at the warmth in his chest and cheeks," I would love to."

Dio immediately spluttered, appalled and appealing to Giorno's rationality, Pucci loudly invoking the name of God, Diego cackling like a madman as the brother panicked. Vanilla was un-moving but seemed ready to toss Mista out on the street. If he wasn't already smitten maybe it would have worked. His pretend-fiance inhaled the dessert as Dio raged on, before eventually being escorted to the door. Giorno followed, closing the door in Vanilla's impassive face to turn to Mista.

"How'd I do? Pretty good, huh?"

Giorno couldn't help smiling, "you were the best. Absolutely perfect."

His former guest was standing very close, sliding the ring box into the blond's hands, "I really enjoyed it, doing that for you."

This was his chance, pushing the box back to tan hands (it did have his money in it after all), "would you be willing to do it again? For real this time?"

Mista looked surprised, cheeks flushing a bit, "you wanna... go on a date with me? Like, an actual date- with me?"

Giorno frowned lightly, "do you not want to?"

"No, no-I mean I- yes, I really, really want to, I just can't believe you'd want me?"

So sweet, "Mista, I'd been thinking about it all night."

"Oh... you really uh-?"

"Yes, so will you go out with me?"

"Hell yeah, uh, same time next week?"

"It's a date."

[crystu-cii]

Of course!! 💕💞💕💕💕💞💞

What a MOOD XDD OKAY I FEEL YOU ON THAT ONE SHOT THING TBH- LIKE IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG TO GET TO THE GOOD SHIT ILL JUST GET BORED YALL--

wHEeze okay mood-- I actually went in my backyard with a mask on today(not intentionally, my sister sprayed febreeze and I'm sensitive to fragrances soo-- but the entire time I was like "wtf I'm telling crys about this later" XDD

XDD YEAHHH-- XDDD oms MA'AM GO GET SOME SLEEP WH..... TAKE A NAP MISS......

XD also baby jail- puts a laundry basket over him- there now I'm safe-- dangg never had a pet?? I recommend a dog(specifically shelties/sheltie mixes!! They're beautiful and playful!! And the type of dog I've had all my life :3) I.. ban?? Like ban ban??? Wh????

I am! XDD I'd (at least probably) say something if I wasn't-- of course!!!! 💞💕💞💕💞💞💕

Me too!! I miss hanging out with them :/ but so many live super far sooo :,D OH DEAR-- yeah nonononoooo-- Do Not-- YEAH better safe than sorry nO--

I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE PUMPKIN AND CHERRY PIES WERE DELICIOUS, HAVEN'T HAD THE BIBLE YET- AH YES PHONE WERE EATING A BIBLE HOW COULD I THINK IT'S CALLED A COBBLER-- XDD WH- HOW DARE SHE INSULT PUMPKIN PIES LIKE THAT-- /HJ it sounds fairly weird but hey if it's good than cool!! XDD

BUT tREEeEeeE!!!!! DO YOU NOT ENJOY DRESSING UP??? WHAT ABOUT THE CANDY SALES DIRECTLY AFTER???? WH-- AAAAAAAH HOW COULD Y'ALL-- XDD

Yeahh, I decided not to take any more creative classes in school anymore anyways--they don't suit me at all-- OH DANG-- YALL REALLY OUT HERE PISSING OFF THE CHOIR TEACHER??? DAMNNN-- XDDD YESSS-- awwwwhh :( oh well, on steam you can mood games sooo-- if you haven't asked for it, I recommend the portal games 👀 they're SO GOOD and I'll simp for both Glados and Wheatley, don't test me (unless you're Glados or Wheatley) /hj BUT THEY'RE SUCH WELL-MADE CHARACTERS-- BUT VALVE CAN'T COUNT TO THREE SOOOO-- (but there is a cool portal 2 mod coming out in April 2021(plus another from the past I think!) that looks incredibly promising!!!) and oooooohh I actually haven't seen much about it 👀 but from what I have seen it looks fun!!!!

opens calendar app-- can I just say it's so rare to meet people born in the early months-- like January and February, especially SO EARLY in the months of just unheard of XD I have a singular other friend born in January, on the 21st-- and I knew a girl who was born February but like I don't really like her or know her well so she doesn't count--

lEGITTT LIKE- im OUTTA HERE- xDDD

and omgg XDD im lowkey sensitive to fragrances to- when its too much and all- like i would only spray myself with perfume ome to three times while my mom is here doing like tWENTY SPRAYS AND IM LIKE "hEYo BRO I CANT B R E A T H E" /nm- its wild XDD

AND LEGITTT My mOm NEEEDS SLEPPP- quarantine has ruined her so hard- its ironic- I M supposed to be the rebelious one- XDD

WHWHWHEEZE B AB Y JA I L- XDD and yeahh- well my brother has an aussie dog (the one i said their name was also astro xD) but sometimes im just like- "yeah- thats my dog too-" i even mentioned it on a introduce yourself assignment for school xD and omg i dont know my dog types but i searched up what sheltie dogs look like and OMGG???💞 YESS A FLUFFY DOG I always dream of having a dog soo fluffyy- but i expect that it would be a pain to clean up the fur all the time XDD and well i MeAANn- not really ban but like- whenever i speak about pets at all to my mom- it would go like- me: we cant even have ONE pet? | mom: no | me: how about a fish?? | mom: wELL ***-BRINGS UP EMBARRASING ACTION I DID AS A TODDLER-*** ) so i just assume thats her way of saying- no fish. XDD

and phew thats good! the least thing i'd want is make you uncomfortable in any way ;w;; 💞💞 gosh- even hanging out with friends is like russian roulette- XDD before covid and all i would always go to Larie's house every single weekend because my mom would always go there every weekend to play mahjong (its a little gambling game) and i would just be like "YEAH IM COMIN TOO-" - like OMG- literally friend's moms being friends with your mom is just the definition of LIFE GOALS- and it would be so fun every time i go there too- my mom would play with them till midnight or literally up to 3 am- so me and larie would just do the most wackiest stuff- along with eating loads of snacks and watching random shows or anime XDD ahh its only months ago since it stopped but it already feels nostalgic xD

awh NoW I WANNA TRY PIEEEESS- AND ABHAHAHAHA "HAVENT TRIED THE BIBLE"- I GOT SO CONFUSED WHEN I FIRST READ THAT XDD phone: its the BIBLE | astro: its a cobbler— | PHONE: YOU QUESTION THE WORDS OF THE MIGHTY JIMMY? ) XDDDD

and LEGITTT- WHENEVER we ask them "hey what you gonna dress up this halloween" thEY woULd JusT Be Like "huh halloween whats that--" XDDD but they end up trying to celebrate it with us at the very least- xD anD YEAP WELCOME TO WHEN its the time of the year where the month names start ending with "ber" aka CHRISTMAS CHAOS TIME- /hj xDDD

mann for my school we had to choose between three music electives- band, orchestra, choir- i chose orchestra and it was AWESOME- until it was my last year and THE FUCKING ORCHESTRA TEACHER QU IT (it was reasonable actually- she had a sickness) and the cLASS JUST TURNED TO SHITITITHKAHTLQJF I HATED IT it came from my favorite class to the WORST in an InSTANT im SOBBING- but even the whole school is just utter bull- during that same year- i had six classes(a teacher for each) and guess what- THREE OF THOSE TEACHERS LEFT- LIKE EXCUSE YOU?? my 2020 was already RUINED before even COVID CAME like WTHHH- so yeah it was crazy- at that point we were all in despair and the school became more ghetto than it was before(everyone would keep saying "wErE In The GheTtO RATTATATAAA" every time we reach school grounds- its funny cause its true- XDD) yeah its crazzyy

and Oh YEHAH the mods are sickk- mods make my dont starve together gameplay so much better xDD and ooh i have seen portal before but i never actually played em- i think i was watching the walkthrough of both games just to try to learn what the game was about- but in the end- i forgot everything from what the heck our objectives of the game was other than to solve mind blowing puzzles- XDD but cAN i JUST SAY THE SONGS ABSOLUTELT BOPPED THO? THE ENDING SONGS STILL ALIVE AND WANT YOU GONE GOT ME LIKE in TEARS to how good they were- like i jammed to them for a long ass while xDDD and ohhh i never seen any portal mods before! i didnt even know portal mods were a thing but that sounds SICKKK

and omg xD and wth- now that you mention it- like- SAMEE?? real life wise- the birthdays are scrambbled up- but lately on tumblr almost everyone has their birthdays around the the "ber" times and this has now made me realize it- like omg- XDD

[notanotherlovepage]

LiS fanfic

Hey guys! So, long story short, i did a fanfiction inspired on this post. Hope you guys like it!

MAXINE - 12 YEARS OLD

Today was particularly a sunny, beautiful day. Ninety degrees outside, midst August and every color seemed to be intensified. The leaves on the trees were greener, the sky was bluer and the butterflies shined with their brightest colors.

I resented my mom for having me put a long-sleeved shirt on, and i envied Chloe for her obviously lighter -and prettier- one. Besides, it was embarassing having two big spots of sweat covering my armpits. But i didn’t care. Not if it was my best friend in the whole world next to me. She wouldn’t judge me.

-Come on, Max! Hurry!- I heard Chloe shout. She was some solid 15 feets ahead of me. We were heading towards the big tree. That’s where we hid our time capsule. It was a centric, giant tree placed in the Arcadia Bay forest. It was our place. The place we told eachother every secret, gossip and deepest confessions. And now we were going to dig out the capsule we hid 5 years ago.

We were actually cheating; we promised ourselves we would only see it 10 years after the day we buried it. That would be at age eighteen. When we were eight years old, we decided to make our friendship last forever in the coolest way. We hid a bunch of letters, drawings and others stuff for us to see later on. That way we were forced to come back from wherever we were and join pirate forces to dig out the most awesome treasure ever. But we couldn’t help it. Neither of us remembered what we put in there and we were dying to know.

-This is so wrong but feels so right- i said chuckling, already catching up with Chloe.

-I know, right?! - She said, clearly excited, doing that adorable bouncing she does when she’s hyped up. Chloe was particularly... pretty today. Her long, blond hair was shinning, as if it belonged to some shampoo comercial, waving synchronized with the wind. She always grew these funny freckles all over her nose and cheeks every summer, which made her look like a model, and her blue eyes shined amazingly bright, reflecting the sunlight. Sometimes i didn’t know if it was jealousy i felt every time i looked at her, or just pure... admiration. Whatever it was, it always felt just right.

-Okay, we’re here,- Chloe said- let’s just cut the crap and see whatever in the world is there.

I realized i was stupidly nervous by the whole thing. My heart was rapidly pounding in my chest and my hands were sweating, but i didn’t care. It was the good kind of nervous.

-I’m actually really nervous- Chloe said, as if she had read my mind.

-Dude, me too- I responded, with an akward laugh.

-Let’s do this- Chloe picked the shovels next to her and handed me one- Now, you lazy ass, show me watcha’ got.

MAXINE - 18 YEARS OLD

-Okay...-I breathed out- let’s do this.

I was sitting in my dorm bed at Blackwell, looking at a photo I had forgotten it even existed. Actually, i had deleted the entire day in which the photo was taken from my brain, although it was kind of a “big deal”. It was the day Chloe and i buried the time-capsule.

It had been two weeks since Chloe’s funeral. Jefferson was in jail, Nathan was in a psychiatric hospital, with a restriction order to keep his asshole father away from him, and Kate and Victoria were alive. Everything had fallen into place. Every piece of this life puzzle was starting to click again.

Except for me.

This wasn’t like any cringy, sugarcoated movie i had ever watched before. This wasn’t some tragic novel about life being a bitch. This wasn’t like anything i had ever heard or seen. This was so much worse.

The first three days i was in denial. I never actually stopped to think Chloe’s death was forever. I was like a zombie, or in autopilot mode. I even smiled an laughed. I just couldn’t accept it.

But one day i went to the Two Whales, and found myself having my pancakes all alone, and i didn’t see Joyce there because from what David told me, she couldn’t get out of bed, and there was barely any client there because the fucking place smelled like tragedy and pain. And then it hit me.

Chloe is dead.

I never knew it was possible to feel this kind of pain and not die. Or have a heart attack. Or just for nothing to occur. I just felt this horrible sensation, all the goddamn time, but nothing else seemed to happen. There was just pain and the only thing i had left to do was feel it.

I mean, pain is supposed to be some kind of body mechanism to warn you about danger. If you accidentally fall from a tree and break your arm or cut your leg your body makes you feel pain, so you know something is not right with you and you should take care of it. But suddenly your best friend and soulmate in the fucking world dies and you feel this unbearable pain in your chest, way worse than a fucking broken arm, and you would give anything for that so called god everyone assures it exists to just break every single bone in your body if it meant not feeling this, and everything feels so wrong and you feel like you are going to die all the time but the worst part is you don’t, and you are expected to just get over it? How can this kind of pain not mean im in danger? That i’m not going to just stop breathing anytime? How can physical pain mean so much while emotional pain just means you suffered a stupid trauma that you can get through? That nothing is actually wrong? That the love of your life died but you will be ‘just fine’? How can people say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

Because to me, what doesn’t kill you makes you wish it fucking did.

Sitting at the dinner, thinking all of this in one goddamn second, as if a brainstorm had just hit my head, made me realize; i was not living in a world without Chloe. Either both of us lived here... or both of us went up there.

I suddenly understood Kate so much more once i started planning it. See, if you don’t live it, you don’t get it, it’s as simple as that. You just can’t understand what depression is like if you never went through it, no matter how hard you try. That’s what happened to me on the rooftop with Kate. As much as i tried, i was just not able to understand how could people consider taking their own lives. Isn’t there always hope? Always someone who loves you? Always something to live for?

Thing is, sometimes, there’s not.

It just hit me like a train. I didn’t even care. I couldn’t. It would destroy my parents, Kate, Warren, even Joyce, but i didn’t have the energy to give a fuck. I was so hopeless. Everything was so pointless. I really don’t know if it was depression i was suffering, but it sure as hell felt like it.

I had decided to binge on the pills the doctor gave me for Post Traumatic Disorder. I heard they were pretty strong, so i was pretty confident they would do the job. But then i saw the box Joyce gave me at the Two Whales, resting in the corner of my room; it was Chloe’s box, with every single memory she had ever owned. Pictures, letters, postcards, everything. I had put it away to rot; i just couldn’t look at it without falling into pieces. But at that moment, i figured i might as well see what was in there; i wanted my last memories to relive those of the love of my life.

I don’t remember crying like i did then in a long time, if not ever. I was pretty sure i was starting to dehidratate, and at some point, i even thought i was going to faint. There was that awful drawing i sent her when she had chickenpox. There was a silly love letter i remember her neighbour wrote her when we were ten years old. Chloe never liked him and after five letters like that with no response, he finally got the hint and never spoke to her again. But what shattered my heart the most was this pink sea shell. I found it on a beach in Playa del Carmen; my parents and i took a cruise for two weeks and i promised Chloe i would collect one for each day we spent apart, so she knew i wouldn’t  forget her. All of them eventually broke into pieces except for this one. I painted it with a cheap pink nail polish my mom used to own and gave it to her. We were seven years old. I never knew she would keep it to this day, it seemed so redundant and useless to me, but so meaningful to her...

I was not sure how much more i could take, but then, i found the photo. The time-capsule photo.

The memories suddenly hit me as a punch in the face. It was as if some kind of hipnosis suddenly unleashed from that picture to free the memories that had been so long repressed. I remember that our parents took us on a silly journey through the Arcadia Bay forest. It lasted 5 days. My mom absolutely hated camping in the ‘wilds’, but my father and William did a great job calming her down. One week earlier, Chloe and i decided to secretly bury a time capsule in which we hid some stuff to open up in ten years, which would ironically be this year, at age eighteen. But we opened it five years before, us being twelve, because we couldn’t help ourselves. We opened it two months before William passed away.. It was the last good moment we had until everything started falling apart for Chloe.

My parents took a picture Chloe and me in our pirate costumes, right before we went for the giant tree and hid the capsule. I don’t really remember what we hid in it, but it was probably silly. I’m actually glad we opened it up earlier. Today, it would only be some silly kid stuff.

I looked at the picture with a nostalgic, genuine smile, without realising i was crying again until some droplets hit the picture. But suddenly, one droplet fell on the wrong -or right?- place. And as i looked, i stood in shock.

-What... the hell?- i exclaimed. I frowned my eyebrows and rubbed my eyes to get a better view of the picture, and then, i saw it. It felt as if i was suddenly stang by a paralising bug. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. It just felt as if the nightmare would never stop. I started sobbing and yelling. I was pulling my hair without realizing it. I didn’t give a crap of all the fuzz i was making. In the picture, right behind us, was a translucent doe, staring right at the camera, with a tiny beautiful blue butterfly resting in his snout.

After some minutes of pure desesperation and chaos, i decided to calm myself down. I was getting nowhere being like this. Fucking hell, a few minutes ago i was all ready to kill myself. What was going on with me? Was i hallucinating? Had i finally lost it? Was i officially crazy?

-Okay, Max. Calm the fuck down- I said out loud- Let’s think, what the hell does this mean?

As if my voice was like a ridiculous lullaby, i did calm down. I took a few breaths, and started to think.

First of all, if anything, this could be good news. If shit like this keeps happening after Chloe died, could this mean the universe was still not content with the outcome of things? Could this mean that life, or god, or what-fucking-ever did not want Chloe to die? Was Chloe not supposed to die?

A feeling i had not felt in two weeks, but seemed like forever, started growing in my chest. I was feeling hope. Hope that my best friend could maybe, just maybe, be brought back. Hope that i would be able to kiss my lover again. Hope that maybe, life was not as miserable as it seemed.

Calm down, Maxine. I thought to myself. This is still not clicking.

I spent some good hour going through all of it. Thinking of everything i could have missed. Every detail, every second i spent with Chloe. Every goddamn tragedy of that unholy week. What was i taking for granted? What was the universe trying to tell me? Was it even trying to tell me something? Was life just... weird?

And then it clicked. The puzzle clicked. That fucking piece found it’s place in all of this drama and everything suddenly made sense. All this time, i made everything revolve around me. It seems fair, as i am the one with a crazy fucking superpower. But what if it’s... not? What if it’s not about me? I may be one in a million, being able to control the fucking time, but the universe is sure as hell not only about my life, so... what if i am missing a detail because im not supposed to know that detail? What if it’s not my life i should change, but someone elses? What if i have been searching for the answer in that horrible week when in fact it came from... before?

What if it’s not Chloe that’s supposed to die? What if... it’s Rachel that’s supposed to live?

I realised i had been starring at the mirror with the picture in my hands all of the time i spent thinking. I almost saw the switch in my eyes as i finally made the decision; i would try to make things right one last time. After all, i had nothing left to lose.

I focused on the picture, sitting in my bed, as all the familiar but still weird-as-hell feelings started to hit once again; the pounding in my head, the blurr in my eyes, the sensation of passing out, the world menacing to tremble... and just like that, i was back in the forest.

MAXINE - 8 YEARS OLD

The first thing i did was to look for the doe and the butterfly. As i expected, they were not there. Being 12 years old at Chloe’s house, back when i tried to save William, was weird enough, but being eight felt so... wrong. I was an eighteen years old in the body of a little girl. I could actually feel the physical change; my hands and feet felt tinier, my skin felt softer, and it seemed to me that i was on my knees when i looked around, when in fact, i was just shorter.

-Max, sweetie, are you okay?- my mom asked. As there was no response, she continued- Come here baby, you look pale. Do you want some chocolate?- She turned to look at my father- What did i tell you, Ryan? This was such a bad idea, we shouldn’t have come.

-Wait, mommy! I’m okay!- I cringed at how high-pitched my voice was, but managed to fake a smile.

-Are you sure, baby?- Dad asked.

-Of course she’s okay! She’s a pirate! Right, Max?- I heard a little girl’s voice say. I knew exactly who that voice was from, but i needed to really see it. I just couldn’t start to even comprehend how lucky i was. To have the ability to see what i shouldn’t be seeing. To defy the universe, just like that. To be able to appreciate the existence of the love of my life as many times as i wanted to. To love her and be able to tell her again and again, without the fear of time running out. Because time meant nothing to me. I owned time, and it made me feel incredibly alive. It was so wrong but so right. And when i finally turned around to see her, i realized life was just fucking incredible for creating such amazing and lovable beings like her, no matter how temporary they were.

-Chloe!- I shouted, and ran to her embrace- You are my best friend, did you know that?

-Of course i do! We will rule the world with our swords and patches, right, Dad?!

-Sure thing darling. I believe in you two- William said with a soothing voice. Only then did i realize how much i had missed him. But i needed to calm my nostalgic self down. I had to start acting like an eight year old, and they were never really that great at showing mature feelings. Besides, it would be just plain weird to hug William out of the blue. Sadly, no one there but me knew how little time had he left- Okay girls, ready for the walk?- He said with a playful smile, letting go a tiny wink from his left eye. I understood this was the sign Chloe, William and i had agreed on to go bury the time-capsule- Everything ready?

-Yes dad!- Chloe shouted- Let me just get my backpack- She said, while turning back to head the tents.

-Wait! i need to go get something too- I jumped. I saw Chloe turning around to face us once again, this time with a frown. I guess we agreed at some time that she would get the capsule while i kept the adults busy- It will be just a second.

-Okay...- Chloe replied.

-What would you two be up to...- Joyce whispered suspiciously, with a grin on her face, shaking her head left and right. I followed Chloe to the tent and entered with her.

-Please tell me you brought some paper and crayons- I said nervously. My heart started to accelerate as my brain finally focused on my plan.

-Yeah... i think so. Why?- she asked, half curious, half worried.

-I just forgot something i wanted to draw.

-Okay, let me check- Chloe said, revolving her backpack, and then taking out what i had requested- You are being kind of weird.

-Don’t worry, it’s just a second- I replied- No peeking!- I said, smiling at her while hiding my paper so she couldn’t see. This time, the smile was genuine. I could never fake-smile that adorable face of hers, even if i tried.

And then she was the one to smile. A wide, playful smile, covered childishly by her tiny hands, followed by a girly, amazingly cute chuckle.

Suddenly, i was just overwhelmed by this relaxing but exciting feeling, as i started drawing my message to the future Max, in the hope that this time, she would remember it and be able to fix things from the very start. I just kind of knew that this time, things would turn out to be alright.

MAXINE - 12 YEARS OLD

-Oh my god, this is so cringy, i really dont know how much more i can take- I said, tears of laughter falling from my eyes.

-Dude, i know, i think i’m gonna throw up anytime now- Chloe responded, with her cheeks filled with an intense red, grabbing her tummy and gasping for air, trying to regain control of herself.

We had spent hours now checking everything out. We found two chocolate cookies that smelled awful, two drawings that looked exactly the same -probably both of us agreed to draw the same scenario- of Chloe and me dressed as pirates while navigating the sea, two coins, two bracelets, a pink one and a blue one, and so on. We also found letters we wrote to eachother, barely legibles, about how much we loved eachother and that how we would be the best pirate friends in the whole world, which made us gag on the outside but smile warmly on the inside. There were only two more letters to read, each one with our names respectively signed on them. We understood they were letters we wrote to our future selves. I picked them both and read them to myself.

-How about mine? What did I write?- Chloe asked, excited.

-You were really funny- I responded with a tiny chuckle. It said, written with a blue crayon; ‘Dear Chloe, if you are not dressed up as a pirate right now, and Max is right next to you, tell her to punch you. Love, Chloe’. It was just so incredible to know Chloe was, is and would always be this funny and sassy person. But the best of all, was knowing that this person would always be my best friend in the world, and i was gonna be hers. I handed it to her, and when she read it, she started to laugh like crazy. Joining her laugh, i picked my letter, and gave it a quick, uninterested look. But that was all it took to send a chill down my spine- Mine was so serious...- I let out, failing to keep the thought to myself.

-Well, yeah, that’s you- Chloe reasoned, when i lended it to her and she saw it, not giving it its spooky credit- Serious and genuine- She smiled.

-Yeah, i guess- I said, but was left more nervous and anxious than i was willing to admit.

-Okay, mom is totally gonna kill us- Chloe suddenly exclaimed, zonning me out from my thoughts- We told her we would be there by five! Its half past six! Shit, let’s hurry- She said, getting up to her feet and starting to pack our things.

I followed her lead and helped myself up with my hands on the ground, to start helping her pick up the stuff. Once we were finished, i decided to take one last look at my letter, in the hope that it wouldn’t seem so creepy once i re-checked it.

It was the drawing of a girl, apparently older than us, with long, blond hair, seemingly waving with a fictional wind. At first it thought it was just a drawing of Chloe, but her eyes were green, and she was not dressed like Chloe at all. She had a red flannel, a pair of teared up jeans and some black boots. Besides, Chloe never got her ears pierced, and this girl had a blue feather hanging from one of hers. I found it strange how my eight year old self could draw such a realistic girl. I was never that good with crayons.

But what made me skip a heart beat was what it said below the girl. It was a simple sentence in capitals but had enough impact on me. It said ‘SAVE HER’.