#im not even embarrassed im just sad
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#can i yap for a moment#im extremely sleepy but im feeling very upset and mad and confused#also lowkey questioning whether me feeling all that is justified or if i am overreacting#anyway#made out w a boy tonight#and he wanted to go to his place#and i was like no i wanna stay and dance with my girlies#and he gets upset??#asking why i'd kiss him if i don't wanna hook up and i said i just wanna have fun?#made me feel so stupid#that anger in me led to a little fight with another boy (who was unfortunately very cute) and i just wanted to punch him#i just hate when boys think they're so superior#so i argued with this stupid but hot man#until an ex? friend shows up and he was pretty drunk just yapping about things#anyway he basically told me he'd like to rekindle our friendship#but not in a heyy haven't talked in so long let's meet up again#it was in a heyy let's hang out again got a new big car and moved out of my parent's house 😋#which gave me the ick bc that's why we aren't friends anymore and i told him no multiple times#and got sad bc he was one of my closest friends#anyway and then we left the party#this guy pulls me aside the parking lot#and i was so embarrassed bc there were so many people and they were all looking and i could already see people gossiping about it#and i just wanted to die#and then he just CONFESSES??#gives me flowers and all which is saur saur cute#but i legit have zero feelings for him </3#and have commitment issues and have never been in a relationship and don't wanna be in one#actually grosses me out thinking about relationships </3#the confession was so random and i kinda lost another friendship? even tho i wouldn't rlly consider him a friend we just share sum classes#but yeah boys are so stupid and confusing and i dunno how and why i get myself into these situations :') m sorry just needed to rant </3
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it’s all fun and games for now but i can already tell the post concert depression at the end of this year is going to annihilate me
#like im sooo very excited but also teetering on the edge of the world’s most oddly specific mental breakdown#i know this sounds like a joke but i am absolutely not joking#like. it honestly gets me pretty bad even sometimes w ones u wouldnt even expect#w/ elo concerts it is like a pit of despair that’s why i have to go 4657464645 times. so i wont get too sad and die#when we got home in 2019 an embarrassing amount of my alone time was just me crying pathetically#like i realize this is bánânǎs but there’s just something about it.#im going to need a support group this time#nonsense rambling#elo
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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started crying at the bar talking about my old boss who died a year ago 🤪
#i hate crying and i especially hate crying in public lmao#and i tired to reassure my friend that im not just crying because ive been drinking because for some reason#i’m embarrassed about it even though i’m not drunk#but i don’t cry often!!!!!!!#but it’s sad! death and grieving sucks!!!!!!!#tried* not a good sign after my not drunk statement lmao
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one of my guilty pleasures for fic tropes is high school reunions because if i have to face the reality that ive done nothing with my life and failed all my dreams and dont match up to the people i went to school with, only one of which i still talk to—
then yeah im gonna enjoy reading about characters impressing past classmates and reconnecting with people they love
#it’s 2 am and im miserable and so sad and very lonely#how are all of you#im queuing this so I forgot to be embarrassed#i do genuinely love reading this fics but also hyper aware of the reasons#i really really genuinely feel awful about my life and that ive failed in so many minor ways. but not even huge fuck ups#it’s just like. a inconsequential tragedy.#not pjo#chitter chatter#shut up tea#tea reads fic
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scribbly amphibbies
bonus christmas garfapillar
#amphibia#marcy's journal spoilers#kinda#syrass#im too embarrassed to talk more about my post amphibia anne ideas#but a little bit of it#it's like around when she starts drifting from sasha and marce but also realizing what she wants to do in life#hence the froggies#but she becomes like a local cryptid#there's still lingering effects of her powers but she feels she's grown too distant from the only people she can talk to about it to even br#ing it up so she tries to deal with it on her own#i dont want it to be all angsty but it is a good bit and i dont have all the details but yeah#anyway unrelated but my best marcys are the fucked up ones#which i dont like perpetuating no because i think it's bad but because i think marcy would not react super uhhh sad? idk how to word it#she'd be more avoidant and play it off i think and not so much fall back on depression as just sad melancholy that she'd then turn to#some kind of positivity i think idk she's an excited kid and nd you know#ok thats the most ive talked about anything in a while time to shut up again goodbye#also thanks for everyone who bought garfapillar stickers i hope you like them <3
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ai is just so fucking bleak man it makes me want to end it all...
taking everything joyful about life... everything i ever wanted or loved or hoped for... and not just that, everything else too... no job is safe... the only way i can go on is to pretend it doesnt exist and just keep creating and trying as we always have done it haha but meanwhile it just keeps getting worse and im filled with sickening dread... the only hope I have is that people will continue to stick together and protect each other even as ai tries to destroy and take everything from us and our identity and our joy sorry to sound poetic and pretentious but i just need to get the vent out. its bleak man.
#im being vague bc im embarrassed to specify more but it just... the future seems so bleak bc of ai#and... this is just one small thing#everything about the current world and the future looks bleak to me#the only way i can keep going on is if i pretend everything is fine and the same as how it was#but the fact that i can even manage to do that shows my immense privilege#vent#delete later#sidenote i havent been glazing or art shielding my art (i never tried glaze)#because i just... i give up man. like im in denial. i want to just pretend like i can post it like normal and itll be ok#i want to blindly trust#its the same w me posting my art and blindly trusting that ppl wont repost#except ai is much worse than reposting....#ha... the only meager protection ive been doing#is watermarking but not even obtrusively#and posting at a lower res (but ive been posting higher res on here...)#hhaaa... i want ppl to be able to see my hard work and tbe colors#and artshield makes tbe colors ugly#cries#unrelated but i feel like ive been estranged from my friends lately too#so thats prob also contributing to why i feel so sad#im too old to be having a tantrum like this but isnt this what blogs like tumblr r for? so i can vent here instead of irl... ha ha
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𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔
#it hurts but it is natural and im not oversensitive and im allowed to feel this way#the future i had envisioned and hoped for and believed in was just.. suddenly gone and im allowed to mourn the loss#because for an entire year i've been wanting this. and imagining it and thought of ways it could be real#and i didnt base my feelings only on imagination but on his words and him saying that we should figure out whatever was between us#and in the way we talked and what we shared and how he did start treating me as 'his girl'#which i also do not think was irresponsible nor am i upset by that. bc i wasnt 100% present bc of my avpd stuff#but it was so amazing and he was so amazing and i'd been having feelings for him for half a year before and then i only fell more and more#im trying to be as non specific as possible bc like i can only talk abt *me*.. but there were just sm other things and circumstances#so it got less and less intense.. and i wanted to give him space and patience and not push smth on him and be insensitive#then i told him abt being in love w him and wanting to be there for him w his struggles and working it out together#and im embarrassed af but i had honestly thought... that would be met well and with reciprocity...#(i understand that feelings cant be forced & im not upset or feel betrayed i just felt v sad bc i was so sure he would want me to be his gf#but i got neither a clear rejection nor much of what he was thinking abt me and what was between us. mostly just that it wasnt a good timin#so again i wanted to respect that and not keep push it. even if i tried bringing it up sometimes it never got anywhere and it didnt feel#right to just keep and keep on doing it. then there were times when i /felt/ rejection and got more hope based on interactions#truly i've been walking around for a year believing that this was smth that would come true if only we could talk#and i've been waiting and hoping and loving. and i've really been thinking of it as a real future#i even tried telling him a few months ago that if he wants me he can have all of me but he told me to stop so i did#and now i've learned that none of my devotion or hope was returned... i've been in this waiting room all alone all this time#i thought i was patient bc of all the other things but he couldnt give me a chance but he did for someone else and that just hurts#idk it hurts bc this love and connection meant so much to me and i wanted to do anything to make it work#and when u realize all of a sudden that it was only u who felt that and that future u so badly thought would happen isnt real#.... i feel extremely lost and despairing. plus it just is how i feel but i've only been this connected to him#honestly it might sound weird how i can feel this much for someone i've never met irl but he has been my only hope and comfort#for the past years he hs been my only comfort and the only thing making me feel good and ok and hopeful.... so it hurts it hurts it hurts!!
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yk no one really talks about the ending glitch thing (from what ive seen) in f and c like yeah its a whole blink and you miss it type thing but the implications !!!!
more in tags
#like ive seen two ppl bring it up so far and get very little notes so sad#this is why im writing a pwish fic or well trying really hard to and idk if it even classifies as that#fionna and cake spoilers#okay so basically the idea is scarab and prismo whole roomate sitch blah blah blah scarab has been avoiding looking at prismo. like basical#y ignoring due to being mad and embarrassed then either smth brings attention to the glitching or scarab notices it and its like whu huh ?#bam prject prismo gone now its og pris and scarab is freaking the fuck out and has to figure out how to deal#then to the meat its gonna be like getting to know each other better backstory stuff and like figuring out what is going on while trying to#keep like the wishmaster position lookinh normal like nothings wrong or smth w/ the big boss#its all notes rn and i haven’t written fic in the longest but !!! i think it should be touched on more#prismo#scarab#yeah thats all im tagging ughh im so busy though idk if ill be able to even write the dang thing#i want to though 🫵 thats the important biz#mielmbles#prismo could die also like idk i got a bunch of steps and dialogue written#now the actual real question is if ill share the fic or just preserve it in my notebook like the other ones
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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#idk man. i think im just gonna post any remaining art i have and then just quit. it just isnt fun anymore? idk#life mostly isnt fun anymore tbh. i had a bad night/morning at work and just. its making me think abt things#mainly the thought that keeps running through my head is whats the point?#i think the only thing that makes me happy rn is my dogs. one is turning 10 next week and thats making me v depressed on top of everything#maybe ill change my mind lmao i probably will but. even thinking abt being creative makes me so sad for some reason#which sucks! everything fucking sucks the only emotions i feel lately is anger depression anxiety and embarrassment#and ive been trying to be optimistic but theres only so much positivity in me. i cant do this shit anymore#maybe things will get better or at least not get worse but that seems unlikely#ignore me
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So fucked up that I spend all my time creating things and making art and then if I finish it I'm like "huh, neat" and hide it away
#idk where to even post it#like i dont WANT to hide it but a lot of it isn't good enough to post and when i do finish something#im too self conscious to post it anywhere bc i know no one gives a fuck abt the source content#i keep starting new accounts to post all my art and then i either get no interaction and get sad or i get too much interaction and feel#like i have an image to uphold#thats why i hardly post here anymore bc i don't wanna like idk piss people off? or be embarrassing#i hold all of my passions and obsessions inside bc I'm embarrassed but i think I'm gonna blow up one day#i need to not give a fuck but if someone says a mean thing to me ill die#ive written an entire books worth of fanfic and it just sits in my folders for me to read and pick apart
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i need something niceys im having such a bummer time rn
#bummer tags incoming -> sorry for getting my gross sad all over you if you read them#my mums pretty sick with two things rn and my dad is.. my dad. my grandmas in hospital again and her memory is getting confused#im lonely and i have like one friend irl and i just want a hug and im so conscious of how naive and childish all my problems are#and then some people in online games are mean to me and its just the little thing that tips me over the edge and makes me cry a bit#so i feel really stupid even More now bc thats such a . babyish thing to do :( im so embarrassed by how easy it is to hurt my feelings#or make me upset or angry or sad when i should get over it. i should have thicker skin but i dont im just Really Bummed Out Right Now Pals#monologues#i always seem to nosedive my mental health around this time which. (a) sucks bc october is when my birthday is so thats a BAD present#and (b) seasonal depression is meant to happen when youre going into WINTER not when when you go into SUMMER. why this happen 2 me :(#im just a little guy :(
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(Sorry in advance for censoring my text, Tumblr is weird about banned words and I'm mad my last post has been invisible. Sorry if you've seen my last post before it went invisible.)
So, I guess the Tumblr purity hammer unalived the post I made last week about having a
FREE BRO STRIDER COSPLAY BL0W/. JOB GIF SET
on my Only Fans.
It's FREE, but I'm gonna put a price tag on it in a few days. So. This is the last chance to view it while it's free! Adult people only please/you just need a free OF account to see it.
Only Fans dott c0m slash xoxoCori (I'll put the actual post link in the replies).
Not e%plicit preview under the cut:
Kn1ves aren't allowed on OF so this is the outtake. The rest is e%plicit POV of a Br0-./job. There's no kn1ves or weird sh1t in the actual content.
#i fucking hate tumblr i didnt even know my last post got sniped like it doesnt tell u or let you look at it#u just suddenly cant find it on ur blog anymore and u gotta go to the mass post editor bc it doent show up anywhere else#homesmut#homesmut cosplay#bro strider cosplay#bro cosplay#bro#striders#bro strider#god im SO embarrassed about posting this again i was just gonna rb the last one and be like 'last call' but now that i know its invisible#like what if no one saw it at all and has no idea i do this kinda content? thats sad#so whatever sorry for posting my face again and about my ... content#im not tagging this one bc idk what sniped the last post#tumblr so funcki gn arbitrary i hate censorsh1T#me#selfie#gif warning#piercings#snakebites#septum#i think all those tags are safe i was able to search them on mobile hmmm#what tripped the hammer hmmmm maybe the OF link? so ill put it in the comments
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im straight chillin rn but honestly if u ever see me attempting to be poetic about my feelings on here you have to shoot me with nailguns
#honestly its embarrassing#oo look at me im using big words to describe my emotional state#pity meeee uueeehuehheuehehehhhhhhhhueeeeeeeeee Look at me im so depressed#You arent shakespeare little buddy. You arent camus or dostoyevsky or kafka .#Youre a sad little teenager online begging for attention from strangers . Laik... own up 2 it ... ur life is ur own fr .....#Change startts w u ........#if u ever catch me posting like that on here ITS NOT ME. ITS THE BRAIN PEOPLE. ITS THE BRAIN PEOPLE AND YOU CANT TRUST THEM.#<- Boy u just got here dont even start.
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sobbing
#its kinda dumb#but im so angry and heartbroken that katie got rid of all our LPS's#i always have been ig#she did it with a lot of shit that our smaller parts miss really bad#we used to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety that she had gotten rid of something else we loved and then we'd go check#god i hate her#what the actual fuck#i also used to dread when winter would be over because i knew there would be a mandatory day i had to go through everything#and i wasnt allowed to Not#she's so fucking mean#just. that's a fucking child man#let them have their fucking things#im also angry because i can't replace these things to try and make us feel better or whatever#that's stuff that's just gone and not being produced anymore#im so sad#genuinely someone just was like. I want to die so theres some intense feelings in the brainspace rn#fascinating what stuff really hurts#i'm glad it's not everything anymore#but you'd assume the big stuff would still cause the most distress#granted there is some big stuff that is still heavily dissociated from anyone who fronts#most alters are internal only tbh#or emergency only#i've made a lot of progress but i think ive just realized that there's still a lot to go#and it's probably a lot of stuff that im embarrassed to call trauma#it's easier to call rape trauma than psychological/emotional abuse#even the more covert sex abuse is easier for me to accept
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