Tumgik
#im scared to do it again but im even more scared to never do it again bc that feels like? spitting in the face of all we worked toward
tragedy-of-commons · 3 days
Note
HI GWEN POOKIE CONGRATS ON 200 IM SO PROUD OF U !!! U DESERVE IT SM <33
can i req “who did this to you” + xiao + romantic
teehee 🫶
"Who did this to you?"
Xiao trembles with an energy he knows all too well. It's wispy and dark and miasmic, keening at the idea of tearing whoever or whatever roughed you up like this to shreds.
Despite your swollen eye and bruised knuckles, you only smile at him in response, not an iota of dejection swaying your form. It's one of the things about you that intrigues him, loathe as he is to admit it - you're never seen without a performance of bared teeth or stretched lips.
But even if you're unaffected, that doesn't change that you're hurt, that you've been threatened by some unknown force, and Xiao wasn't there to protect you--
"Well, hello to you too," you swallow, sensing his unease and repressed rage. "Um, nothing like that happened, promise! One of my friends is visiting in the area, and we decided to spar. Like old times."
Adeptus Xiao knows what sparring is, and he knows what injuries (maybe not mortal...) sustained from those lessons look like. He's fairly certain, despite you being his only human companion, that you're not supposed to be limping.
He can't touch you right now, as much as his impure heart flooded with sin yearns for it. Before he ever trusts himself to comfort you, he'll sit on his hands and remain still for centuries.
"This friend," he almost chews the syllables, "I require a name."
You purse your lips, looking out towards the melting skyline. "That's not how this works. He isn't a threat, okay? These are superficial wounds. Sometimes it just gets intense... if he'd gone easy on me, it'd ruin the whole point of the fight."
His eye twitches, and the voices recede, if only for a moment.
You are never without merit, despite how others may dismiss you. Xiao does know what it's like to be caught up in the throes of combat. Plus, you've tried to reason with him about 'how he gets'. Normally, being told off by a mortal would earn them his silent ire, but even he can't deny he feels like a scolded dog.
...but you are important to him, so he'll let it slide like he always does.
"If he truly wounds you," Xiao starts, considerate, "I need to know."
Blessed with your grin once more, you take a step closer. He's not scared of you, per se, but the Adeptus' hackles start to raise instinctually. What if he hasn't calmed down enough yet? Should he play it safe and go about his duties, if only to make sure none of his penance unjustly latches itself onto you?
Should he run the tip of his spear through every menace to Liyue, soaked in viscera, wracked with the phantoms of your injuries?
"Xiao," you whisper. "Listen to me."
No. He won't do that, because you're right here, and you are alive.
"I'll make sure to call you if that ever happens. I'm safe," he hears a bird cawing somewhere as you take ahold of his ring finger. Of course, it's devoid of any wedding band - customs such as that are below and of no use to him - but the gentle grip of your hand is close enough.
It's a silent promise; one that Xiao needn't repeat, but he will anyway.
You're fine - you're not to be taken from him. In order for you to trust him with your mundane secrets and joyous laughter, he needs to trust you to fight your own battles.
He only nods solemnly, recovering at his own pace. "Did you... achieve victory?"
Letting go of him, in a headache-inducing, booming voice, you boast, "Did you think I could show my face around here if I didn't?! These marks are nothing! You should've seen what he looked like after I wiped the floor with him! Honestly, all of my old pals have gone soft--"
Xiao is once again swept up in the whirlwind that is you. Curbing his overprotective instincts, your relationship is something he holds sacred. For as long as he's able, he wishes to relish in the dynamic, even if he's undeserving of it.
(...and perhaps also because he's a little concerned you may 'wipe the floor with him' too.)
Tumblr media
🏷️: @akutasoda, @aviiarie, @lowkeyren
a/n: i hope you enjoy where i took this, ray! i know it's a bit shorter than average ^^" but i did enjoy writing xiao in this setting. your support means everything to me! silly yaksha. barely proofed since i'm sleepy...
event post here
131 notes · View notes
rainroses45 · 2 days
Text
Imagine being on your period with the winchester brothers.
i mean i’m currently late for mine (AND NO IM NOT PREGNANT) and lately i’ve been feeling like i could strangle any man that approaches me
like just picture dean starring at you like “wtf” as you just beat up the demon barehanded
the sick son of a bitch doesn’t even have time to react back..you are just going full WWE mode on them
not to mention sam would be so worried he would try to walk towards you but dean would just put his hand in front of him like “sammy let her cook”
you would just be throwing punches and screaming “TELL EVE WHEN I SEE HER I WILL FUCKEN RIP OUT HER UTERUS”
to which caused sam to slowly walk back from the scene infront of him, hands in the air in surrender
afterwards dean wouldn’t even complain about the blood dripping down from your face when you enter the impala (he would never say this out loud but you scared him)
sam would sit still the entire car ride trying to not provoke you into fighting, which to his luck, you almost ended up killing the drive thru worker for forgetting your fries
“Y/n! LET GO OF HIS APRON!” “NOT UNTIL THIS MF GIVES ME MY CURLY FRIES!!”
the guy ended up giving you two boxes filled with fries and sam just did the awkward hand motion he did when dean was about to shoot the pigeon (PLS UNDERSTAND THIS REFERENCE)
dean would be throwing fries at you the entire car ride back to the motel while announcing“the beast has been fed!”
bonus points if they need to stop to buy you more pads
dean would totally look at you and ask “what size of pussy do you have and what flavor you want?” as he checked out the pads
in the end he got you “some night time ones with lime flavor” to which you almost strangled him for forgetting your candy bar
“I SWEAR DEAN WINCHESTER IF YOU DIDNT GET ME MY CANDY BAR I WILL KILL YOU AND CUT YOU UP JUST TO DUNK THE LITTLE PIECES IN CEMENT AND HIDE THEM ACROSS THE WORLD SO THEY NEVER FIND YOUR FULL CORSPE!”
let’s just say after that dean never forgot your candy bar ever again
69 notes · View notes
lexithwrites · 2 days
Note
love love love the sugar daddy au, do you have any nsfw thoughts to spare?
this is kinda gonna just be their first time together as im not 100% on their dynamic overall,,,,bare with me whilst i figure this couple out:
i feel like their first kiss is when they're drunk at regulus' penthouse, like they're sat on the sofa watching something or listening to music and talking and drinking some nice wine and regulus is looking away as remus stares at him and then just kinda leans a little closer at first
regulus flinches, he's never used to physical touch anymore, and then looks at remus and realises he genuinly wants to kiss him, thats it, and he leans in so their lips touch and its immediate fireworks
both of them feel electric and the soft kiss turns into deep kissing, slow and sensual, then passionate and desperate as they touch and grip and feel and grope and start to moan into each other's mouths but then regulus jumps back because he's scared, he hasn't done this in so long and he doesn't know what to feel and remus is so apologetic about it
then,,,,the sexual tension becomes too much
regulus caves, he goes to remus' flat when james is out with his brother and just,,,he kisses him so desperatley, moaning into his mouth about how horny he is and that he cant stop thinking about remus and he needs to fuck him and remus is all for it, he's been in the same boat
but regulus knows what he wants and he knows how this is going to go, so he lays out ground rules, safe words, dos and donts etc and remus is all for it, its the most safe and seen he's felt having sex EVER
regulus takes the lead, he feels every inch of remus before even taking his clothes off and its the best kind of torture
remus is a pretty submissive guy and he's under his spell straight away, just whimpering and pleading for regulus to let him touch him but he isnt ready, he needs his fill of remus first
regulus is,,,very good at giving head. he doesn't have a lot of experiance with partners but he watches porn, he has toys, he knows what he's doing, and remus' thighs are shaking by the end of it
regulus has never seen this intense look of pleasure ever on a partners face and he's actually flustered, he didnt expect remus to enjoy it so much but then he's being thrown on the bed and its time,,,he has to let remus see him naked
now, im a trans reg truther always, so he's very nervous. remus knows he's trans, they've had this talk, but he's never had sex with someone after transitioning and he's so scared remus will hate the scars and maybe hate the fact that he doesn't have a 'real' dick, remus loves his body so much its crazy
he's never been so attracted to someone and he wants to devour him,,,so he does
remus' sexuality is a bit of a mystery to me, but i feel like he's had experiance with,,,everything that can be down there, and he just gives regulus his fucking all, he's sloppy and messy but so precise and attentive, every time regulus tugs his hair he stays in that spot, every new moan and gasp is what he wants again and again, its amazing,,,he does himself proud
and then the actual fucking,,,its a bit awkward
remus has to get condoms and regulus is lying there watching him and then gets under the sheets so he's comfortable, and then remus is leaning over him just staring into his eyes and saying how beautiful and handsome he is and regulus just blushes and tells him to put it in already, and remus frowns
'i want this to last forever, regulus...dont you?' and regulus melts, plus it makes him wet af to hear that
and god,,,the sex is good guys, its so good
neither has ever felt this good before and its overwhelming in the best way
they're both panting and moaning and gripping at ecah other, begging for more and almost on the verge of tears because they've never felt so connected to another person, and its a mix of hot and fast and hard and slow and deep and loving and its just,,,UGH
they're a hot fucking couple idc
and afterwards when they're both cleaned and showered and the sheets are changed, regulus will NOT sleep in a dirty bed, they're lying together naked, just gently touching each other and holding each other, regulus confesses that he's been so scared to have sex again because he didn't think he'd ever enjoy it, he never did as a woman so why would he as a man? why would people care about his pleasure now?
and remus just kisses his forehead and promises to never let him feel that way again
regulus wakes remus up with a blowjob the next morning and rides him for ages, they basically spend the next three days fucking and going down on each other to make up for lost time until remus has to go back to work and even then he comes home in the afternoon to naked regulus in bed napping, and he's so fucking happy
51 notes · View notes
08melancholie · 2 days
Note
in typical "i can fix him" fashion, i like to indulge in shameless delusions about Micah falling obsessively in love with me (/the reader) and being absolutely destraught over it because suddenly his whole world view is being turned upside down. Suddenly there's more to life than surviving and fighting, and he has to figure out himself and his values all over again because of a woman he's come to love more than himself. I'd love to hear your take on obsessive love, actually-kinda-wants-the-best-for-you Micah, if you'd like <3
((PS: im so sorry if this is cringe))
Trust me, I do not believe in cringe on this account🙏
As far as obsessive love with Micah goes, I can totally see it; in his own little ways.
He's definitely more subtle about it. Before getting together, you'll literally have no idea at all that he was heavily infatuated with you. He's discreet because you cant be a rough, mean cowboy while being in love and acting like a schoolgirl with her first ever crush.
There's a part of the game where we see him ask Mary-Beth to dance that one time. He's stuttering and nervous; and that's how I imagine he'd be with you at first. It's all so new to him, falling in love, so it's only natural you'll see a more vulnerable, almost scared side of him. Softie Bell, I love you.
He won't be too physical with you outside of intimacy, like he's not a cuddler but if you were to ask him, he'd oblige a few times to keep you happy—because he loves you. Just kind of laying down with you and doing whatever comes to mind; rubbing your back or head slowly. We know he's a heavy insomniac so if you fall asleep, he'll just stare at the tent ceiling and space out, waiting for you. He'll never admit it, but he loves having you in his arms.
He'll show his upmost trust and love for you with things that might seem minuscule to an outside perspective; like letting you handle Baylock or his precious guns which would be a huge sign of trust on his end. He once left his guns in your care for nearly three hours and it was the best thing ever.
He'll definitely handle you more gently—like he does his guns. You're both precious to him, that's for sure. I can see him being too scared to even touch you too roughly or hug you too tightly at first, as if you were made of porcelain or something. Over time, he gets a lot more comfortable as he warms up to the feeling—and after you tell him he can touch you like a normal person would.
God forbid someone tries to even talk to you when he takes you out—immediate threats and many bar fights you witnessed go down in which Micah went ballistic. Most nights out end with you and him at the medicine wagons, both on your own crate as you scold Micah for his temper while you clean his face up. Was it partially just his plan to have you touching him and cleaning him up longer? Maybe.
Just mildly a stalker, by the way. Oh, you're doing chores around camp? Wow, what a coincidence; Micah is in the exact spot where he can watch while not being too obvious about it! Wow, that's a crazy coincidence, surely!
Probably has your whole routine/schedule memorised; he knows when you're doing what chore, and he knows where he has to go to be able to watch. He's a little creep and we love it.
Honorable mention — love language.
His love language is definitely quality time. If he catches you alone somewhere, he'll walk over and do literally anything just to be around your presence. You could be doing chores and he'll just walk over and lean on the nearest tree or wagon to you, take his knife out and start sharpening it. Literally anything to spend time with you at this point. Won't make an effort at smalltalk because he actually enjoys sitting in silence with you, but will occasionally let you yap his ear off when you have something to say. "Mhm..; Oh, yeah?; You don't say?; Wow, yeah?" He'll respond with whatever just to keep you talking to him, loves the sound of your voice.
this was me using the req to my advantage to spit out all the micah content plaguing my brain. pls help he wont pay rent or leave the premises. hell, i'm the one that's obsessed as of now.
In conclusion;
Micah is secretly obsessed with you and will never truly admit it—even if it's goddamn obvious to everybody.
Tumblr media
19 notes · View notes
skunkes · 2 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
455 notes · View notes
crustyfloor · 5 days
Text
youtube
FUCK THEM UPPPPPPP TILL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD
Tumblr media
The visuals of Till's splash art (in my humble opinion, the best one so far) is STUNNING. AND very interesting.
For Till specifically to cover All-In is an interesting message to give off, All-In is a song about freedom. A type of freedom that allows you to live confidently and freely, creating whatever type of world you want, the stage is yours, so make what you want of it. living confidently in YOUR OWN SKIN. And living freely "cause you only got one life to live"
Freedom is something Till fights for relentlessly, and confidence is a bravado, as by far the most uncontrolled and tested person in the cast, he still fights for his boundaries and self-expression even when he's punished, molded into something he's not, or beaten into obedience, tested far past the limit; he never loses his bite. A wild dog can never be tamed.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
This is the cover that follows what becomes of Till after round 6, and still, in Till's all-in, he sounds so raw, pained, energized, and passionate desperation is evident. It's a contrast from HyunA's celebratory cheers and upbeat mood because Till isn't celebrating the idea of freedom; he's angrily proving to everyone, especially the aliens, that he isn't backing down yet and he'll still keep fighting and that he can fight for his own freedom.
Till's cover of All-in is truly the most powerful depiction of Till's fighting spirit, after everything he's gone through, the pain, the grief. It's all in his voice and the way he sings he's pained the entire time he sings and he's aggressive because the fire of his spirit is lit once again. He's going "all-in" so to speak and expressing himself.
The tape around his neck--
Tumblr media
It's a contrast to HyunA who doesn't mind showing her brand, even proudly showing it off as a form of reclaiming her individualism.
Till is different. Because being reminded that he is and was once a pet is not something he would want to remember about himself, he will always bitterly try to distance himself from that fact in any way he can, HyunA feels free from the system when she can own it, but when Till sees his branding, he'll still always feel that collar. It's a testament to his self-deprecation, as long as the evidence of his past is present, and he still feels all the pain the aliens inflicted on him, It'd be presumptuous to think he'd ever feel like he can relate and fit in with the other "fools" who are so free.
It'd be presumptuous to think he'd ever feel free. That's what the aliens wanted, right?
Another interesting part of this is that the name 'All-in" is actually a real-life poker reference, to go "all-in" in poker is to voluntarily bet all of your remaining chips, there is nothing else you can do but hope for the best after that point (and hope you win).
When HyunA sings All-in, she deceives you into thinking she has the upper hand or good hand, and that she will win. When Till sings it, he's giving it all away recklessly, he's showing all he has. Basically, him saying fuck it. he doesn't know if he'll win or not but says, "Let's go all-in and risk it all anyways" Even if internally he knows that this is stupid and risky, this is his foolish rebellion.
At this point he has nothing to lose and nothing to gain, it's his final stand as he lets his heart out not for the crowd, but for the family he lost, himself, a form of self-expression. He will be so nervous, so aggrieved but it's the freest he will ever feel on that stage.
The color symbolism also drives me CRAZY.
For his other two splash art, he's been represented with a color close enough to teal. In both songs, he's open when he sings and fully serene. Teal is a generally calming color, and it's not too evocative. It's more emotional (and has it's own reservations)
Tumblr media Tumblr media
And then, we have green, which is a general symbol of growth, new beginnings, and freshness. After all, Till has been through all-in is a sign of his growth. And a new era of his life, or in other words a sudden tonal shift from his depressive state in round 6.
Tumblr media
And for my favorite (it's not.) part! the head shot, (interesting how his has nearly the biggest impact out of them all.)
A bit of a theory.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
It's a bit similar to one particular art of him, he has a little shape that's almost akin to impact from a gunshot near the same area.
Tumblr media
So, I think this is tell-tale symbolism for a future injury, but the gun portrayed is a bubble gun. I believe it is symbolism for the wound being non-fatal, so even if Till loses and gets shot, he'll survive, fundamentally changed. and will probably join the rebellion, too.
/side note
The heartbeats in Till's version of all-in are faster and louder than HyunA's version, similar to CURE.
52 notes · View notes
Text
Cannot imagine whatever is going on through Mr Leonard Echowatcher's head. You spend your life yearning for a world where you lived differently, where the day wasnt soaked in war, blood, and battle. Where you could envision a future where you have a partner and a family with friends to live gracefully with. But then you are given such opportunities only to find you were never taught to be gentle, you have a gentle, empathetic nature and yet the physicality of it is a stranger to you. You are expected to raise a child with gentle hands so that she saves the world, What does that even mean? How can you accept your growing love for your friend when you were never taught how to love, that intimate love is a luxury best left forgotten, there are no need for such things in war. He has to learn to become the things he wanted bc he grew too old to develop it naturally. He becomes a father to taimi fumbling his way into learning how to care and parent, he is defensive of Aurene bc he is from a culture where they arent expected to raise their own young and yet has to do so with a dragon. It feels like a test, He has to prove both to others and to himself he is capable of being a father, of nuturing, that calloused, stained hands can still be gentle. He has to accept that love is a terrifying leap of faith in vulnerability in order to gain a partnership that is considered a rarity. I love the idea that he spent 30 years yearning for things he thought he would never have and when he is actually given those opportunities (albeit admittedly through unusual circumstances) he has to learn how to actually live in them, becuase they were always just Concepts until now. Ohhhh my god Mr. Leo you are my everything
#rambling about my guy at 3am#its so so sos so important to leo's lore that he wishes he had freedom from the legions while still being inherently loyal to them bc he#cannot break the loyalty that is so fervent in his culture's belief so he doesnt leave and instead tries to be the change he wants to see#in savoring life and preventing reckless deaths and maybe one day allowing for more connections between the charr re their relationships#while also battling with the fact now that he has these chances hes not actually prepared for him#hes defensive about Aurene and he takes a while to admit his feelings for rytlock because of these#does this makes sense me shaking the camera do you see my vision he makes me insane#hes so tired hes sooooo tired but theres this constant weight on him at all times its just not a world ending one but a personal one#javi gw2#leonard echowatcher#this isnt even ABOUT being diallusioned with how the legions disregard lige and treat their soldiers as a numbers game bc thats an entire#different problem this is just abt his more personal struggles.#god i remember describing all his interactions with rytlock (intimacy wise) were all very passionate bc he didnt know how to allow himself#to be vulnerable and gentle#or rather hes scared to be bc its not natural to him#so when they see each other again and leo IS more gentle with him in private that is a huuuge deal#also im definitely not conflating romantic and platonic relationships bc those can be just as important#so im directly speaking about more intimate relationships or regarding whatever leo viewed himself wanting#which was like a partner and a family#sound the alarm this hardened soldier secretly dreams of a domestic fantasy he will never have#is esentially what it is#leo was made to be bbq dad who cleans gravestones and plants flowers for the feceased and is forced into [the entire plot of gw2]#sorry im rambling okay bye
10 notes · View notes
bunnihearted · 3 months
Text
🕸️
#yeah so the problem is that ... i fuck things up :(((#i know that i mattered to him i felt that he cared and that i was important#like honestly it's one of the few times i've ever felt it#but then comes the fucking bpd and avpd insecurity#like if i just one time perceive that oh im annoying#then i just pull back and think am i crazy why could anyone not think im annoying#even if i got reassurance multiple times i was like still .. it was still so hard for me#and like with everything i write on here it makes it seem like i dont care or dont value etc etc#also like :(( im not too fragile to hear abt problems or troubles. i make it seem like its that way#but i WANT to be here and listen to the person i care for. it's not too much for me and idk with how emotionally intense i am#idk how to show that... and im too scared of expressing positive emotions bc i fear being ridiculed by the universe#and it all gets so wrong bc he never made me feel ashamed or stupid or too much#he made me feel the opposite!!!! it was me who made it seem like i didnt care it was me who pulled back#it's so sad and frustrating bc the entire time i kept thinking to myself dont ruin this dont ruin this#be aware of the avpd symptoms and stop them pls dont ruin this#and i tried but in hindsight and with more context clues from the other perspective..#i realized that what i felt wasnt shown... :(((#so i am upset bc im not 'losing' someone (romantically) who doesnt value or care for me#it's someone who i did matter to who did care for me and want me#who i was too scared too fearful to be brave and show him and let him#god.. i hate myself so much!!!#and i do hate myself bc of this. bc it has happened before#it happened now with the most important person to me#and it will happen again#and idk.. bc my brain is also so stupid bc#NOW i know. now im not scared anymore with that person. but it's too late :c#(like i thought i shouldve given space but then i get anxious and i pull away too much and idk how to find the balance)
7 notes · View notes
natjennie · 1 year
Text
like seriously whatever you do dont think about the captain and that story about someone calling into gay bars and not saying anything, just listening to queer people living and laughing and having fun. definitely don't think about the captain doing that. haha.
#both during his life and in death#i just looked it up and the 1930s british queer scene was beautiful like jazz age stuff#the idea of the captain just discretely privately calling into places he's heard rumored to be queer#just to listen to the saxophone over the static of the telephone and know that there were gay people living and loving somewhere#and then to think about him missing that EVEN MORE in death because now he cant LEAVE#he cant hear rumors from people he cant call in#imagine the favors he'd have to owe julian to dial a number and let cap listen to the receiver without knowing what it is#like of course julian wants to know and he pesters him. but when cap is Deadly Serious and scared and sad.#a face julian's never seen. he winds his jokes down and agrees to do it#making cap think it was his idea- 'a bit of charity for the old walrus then'- instead of a deep understanding and love#and since its been decades of course the number he calls isnt a gay club anymore. maybe it doesnt even connect#and it breaks his heart and it takes him another decade to gather intel and the nerve to ask julian again#but when he does he finally gets a place and the phone quality is INCREDIBLE he can hear so much#he can hear people and their upbeat music and their laughter and their love#and he cries#and if julian sees it and pretends not to then its so that he can have the blackmail later thank you for asking#anyway im making myself emotional#bbc ghosts#EDIT Becuase then when julian overhears he tries subtly to make the captain feel more comfortable#bc julian is an asshole but he's not homophobic i mean he fucks everyone#so he tries to pepper in more stories about men but that just makes cap uncomfortable#and hes frustrated bc he cant think of anything else to do other than flirt with him but thats a bad idea#but then he remembers that he went to bars and places and maybe he'll like that#so he 'accidentally' dials some clubs he knows were cool and leaves the phone off the receiver for cap to find#and cap just gives him a curt nod and a clearing of his throat and they Dont Talk about it but they Know
85 notes · View notes
merkerlerspeaks · 9 months
Text
on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.
#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites#But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me#a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get#and writing this out is helping me calm down about it#as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i#and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from#not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little#and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went#but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing#Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again#I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all#I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined#I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something#I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before#Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is#merkerler speaks#prayer request#bc I am spazzy about these things#need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies
10 notes · View notes
halloweendeity · 18 days
Text
.
#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
2 notes · View notes
skunkes · 4 months
Text
if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
47 notes · View notes
kellystar321 · 11 months
Text
.
15 notes · View notes
nexus-nebulae · 29 days
Text
i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
2 notes · View notes
arielluva · 1 month
Text
if 15 year old me could survive going back to school in person after quarantine SURELY i can handle it now right. surely.
2 notes · View notes
cerealmonster15 · 2 months
Text
i finally made a folder of my google docs re: twst fics/plannings and looking at the names are so fun bc a lot of them i didnt use the final fic name [if it got published] so sometimes it's just a placeholder [especially if it's just notes/ideas and not a fic] and some dont have a title at all and just auto used the first few words of the doc so i have like
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
i think only like 5ish of these have their ao3 titles on them / on two separate occasions i named an apple juice fic prompt doc the same thing except for literally just one has an extra ! and they were like 2 months apart......... i even checked bc i thought for some reason the doc duplicated themselves but no, those are just two completely different fics, they just both happened to be Apple Juice Kiss Prompts jvdjfdsljg i didnt do that w/any of the other kiss prompt docs but. whatever i guess!!
it's a fun guessing game on looking at the titles and trying to remember which ones they are. they date back to like 2021 when i moved from word docs to google so i could more easily share them with my friend since i wasnt really publishing anything at first lol.
#like i said a good handful of these are planning/notes docs and not fics but#a few are fics that i didnt finish and will NEVER!!! see the light of day!!!#like it's just business little caycay was i think a jade/cater but one of my older fics#based on a convo the friend and i had but#it wasnt very good and i didnt get far/ it wouldve had to be a longer story and i decided i didnt like that one so i never revisited it#i.... dont THINK i ever published 'the boys are at prom i guess'#i think ive mentioned parts of it once or twice but i thhhhink i didnt post it#that's also one of the older ones from my era of just writing the stories for just myself and my friend lol#i think that one's funny but im p sure i specifically havent shared it bc like i said since it was from back when i wasnt posting them#it's much more indulgent in terms of inside jokes and stuff my friend and i had lol#so it's one i just feel like wouldnt land as well with other people bc it might be confusing#prince eppa stuff isnt on ao3 but i did end up posting those here in a tumblr only post#so are some of the caterella notes i think#and maybe the cater/leona things LOL some of those are fics but i think one or two are just notes#that i found one day and i was like wadda hell why did i keep writing about them together#bc i cant be in denial man i just like writing caycay with everyone it's fun lol#i do like opposites 😑#i think only 2 of these are wips. or like 2 are wips and then i think they both have notes docs?#KATGRR def is spliit like that but the treycay hurt comfort might have its notes in the same doc idr#either way. it is there. i havent forgotten my boys im just hfhwhfehwf#im in a state. going through it as they say.#i also got JUMPSCARED by a solomon/asmodeus obey me fic i started and never touched again bc i got embarrassed or something#sometimes the shame wins. fsdjkfljsdklghlkj#the thing is i didnt even read it i just went AHHH and backed out. so i dont remember WHY i got embarrassed the first time but#i remember the feeling. i dont even thing the content was like particularly wild i just have issues sometimes :p#i think i was just stressed trying to write for characters id never done before#looks anxiously at my kaveh/alhaitham fic notes that im scared to try to start............................#twst i at least eased into by doing it just with my friend at first. but even then ive felt embarrassed lol#and some ive even published i look back like hhnnnnmm maybe that one wasnt so good LOL BUT I WONT TAKE THEM DOWN#theres nothing specifically bad about them just. yknow they cant all be winners lol
4 notes · View notes