#im slowly killing myself I know it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghostdata · 2 years

Text

.

2 notes · View notes

nabaath-areng · 7 days

Text

I got stuck in bed entirely because my pulse went haywire, but now I finally got a window of enough energy to get downstairs and grab whatever the machine is called that checks your blood pressure and pulse. And the thing that's so confusing is that technically the numbers would indicate that everything looks completely healthy and normal.

But I have naturally low blood pressure and yet I get those intense spikes where my pulse will go from like 70 ish to 100+ without warning and leaving me immobilized for however long it decides to race. And the only reason I could check now was because it calmed down enough for me to actually stand up and walk without fearing I might collapse, I have no idea if it was actually higher than what the machine is telling me now.

My pulse always caused me issues (especially during sports) growing up, but I never got wrecked to this level before. I feel a tiny bit better now but I can feel that it's not completely over yet, and I don't know when it will be. Laying in bed makes me feel fucked up in the head from despair but I have no other choice when it's the only thing that doesn't make me feel like I'll crumble and fall over.

I guess the upside is that the pain flares I had this morning is giving me a break now, and that the racing pulse helps me keep a bit warmer than usual so I won't need to turn the heater on lol. Nothing bad that doesn't bring something good I guess.

#friends and relatives with those conditions: yeah you should check for EDS POTS and fibromyalgia #doctors: theres no point looking into it and diagnosing it cause theres no cure anyway :-)#alternatively doctors: i know better than you and maybe of you werent trans youd be healthier #lmaooooooo #tired sad hopeless hours i just wanna play games to distract myself #alas i have yet to figure out a way to use even the switch or ds or ps in ways that dont kill my now fucked up hands #love watching all my hobbies and the sole last things ive been capable of thanks to overall disabilities #slowly and slowly become completely inaccessible to me #i cant get excited about things id otherwise care about cause whats the point if i wont be able to do it?#lmaoooo sorry im just so sjdkskskskdkdkdkskw #these things are wrecking both my body and brain even further #i used to feel useless so man what am i now?#urgh #silvi talks

5 notes · View notes

lairmadness · 1 year

Text

How about that Ogerpon

Please read the tags!

#Hi its me! mod dox here #I wanna say that Im really sorry for the sudden disappearance of this blog #i promise we dont want to drop it (or at least. i dont want to)#we havent been back for 2 major reasons:#1. ive been Very burnt out. I just got a job and its made doing art a little difficult #plus post artfight burnout (plus i got SEVERELY injured during artfight)#and so ive been having to slowly train myself back into drawing so! thats why we got an ogerpon #2. i havent heard from mod tracker in almost a month and a half. i dont know where they are or what theyre doing #and i cant run the blog alone. so im sorry!#if worse comes to worst ill try to draw up the next update myself but im hoping mod tracker is ok! so. yea #ill be around if youd like to send an ask or what not #my main is doxilline-alien and my discord is doxillinealien so!#feel free to come over and talk to me. but ill also answer asks on this blog if you wanna send something here! i just cant update the story #so sorry about how informal this post is tracker is gonna kill me for fucking up the tag system/j #mod dox #ooc #lairmadness #ogerpon #teal mask dlc #side note i think ogerpon is one of my favorite pokemon now. little child. mine is name Mint

23 notes · View notes

nexus-nebulae · 28 days

Text

When I went to the doctor's for an appointment recently, I had to be weighed, and I got very happy with the number I saw. I mentioned to the nurse that this is the healthiest weight I've been at in years, now that it's going up. And despite the fact that I was expressing joy- despite the fact I said I felt healthier than ever before- the second I mentioned I was gaining weight she said "Oh no!"

This is the mindset that kept me from finding joy in my own body, even after transitioning. This is the mindset that kept me unhealthy and on the verge of liver failure for years, that went so far as to put me in the hospital with my organs shutting down. Fat people are simply not allowed to like themselves. The idea that fat is nothing but a bad thing, the idea that wanting to be fatter is gross and fetishistic even. The idea that any fat can never be healthy, despite it being so necessary for so many bodily functions. Beating all this into my head telling me, over and over: "I don't care about your joy and health; you look ugly to me now." That's what nearly killed me.

#fatphobia #fatphobia kills #im so pissed that im not even allowed to be happy with my body now #when this is literally the most I've ever loved my own shape #i look at myself in the mirror and actually see a HUMAN and not some deformed freak- because my dysmorphia is so far lessened #i don't look like a skeleton now. you can't see my ribs anymore. I'm not as cold all the time. My joints have CUSHIONING it hurts way less #plus i finally know what it's like to not feel nauseous 24/7. and i feel the sensation of hunger again #instead of just checking to see if my stomach is concave to see if i need to it #my stomach DOESNT GO CONCAVE ANYMORE THANK FUCK #im at 130 now and still growing slowly and I'm so fucking happy about it

3 notes · View notes

lixbf · 2 months

Text

ive been playing so much hades 2 atp i feel like the first Big early access patch is gonna legit change my life....

#SPOILER WARNING FOR THE TAGS SKIP IF YOU RLY DONT WANNA KNOW MORE ABT HADES 2 #omgggg once the surface path gets an update..... more stuff being there after you defeat eris... getting to olympus maybe??!??!#also a new weapon being added like im excited already #i keep imagining like what if when you get closer to olympus you can actually meet some of the gods?? (maybe even like ares or athena hhhh)#and omg whos gonna be the guardian of the area after eris #and whos gonna be the idk-the-name-for-whatever-arachne-and-echo-are of that area???#i kinda hope its another witchy person bc so far for the surface those ppl have been some kind of witch/sorceress #idk who that could be tho..... is cassandra witch-adjacent??#ok so you need that time sand (which you get from chronos) and entropy (which youre gonna get from the surface) for the dissolution of time #so which figure from greek mythology would make sense as someone youd get entropy from (i have no idea im only like 5 pages into the iliad)#im just so excited for everything theyre gonna do w this game #going back to the next surface area stuff. ive been making myself get used to seeing eris not as the final guardian #aka i cant almost die to her bc that would severely fuck up the rest of that run once theres more after her #and i cant pick the knucklebones for her bc theres gonna at least one more guardian after her who may be more difficult so i gotta save that #also im slowly but surely getting all the keepsakes to the highest level #also trying to get as many of the prophecies as possible rn and why are two of the chaos blessing so so difficult to get #kinda makes me wish their keepsake would idk make chaos gates spawn more often or smth like that....#bc then id have Some chance to get a chaos gate after i actually have a duo boon gndvcndhdb #also i gotta let some random enemies kill me more often if i see a gate so maybe i can get that other blessing idk.....

5 notes · View notes

ame-to-ame · 3 months

Text

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris #muscle memory is crazy #i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic #when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good #but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor #what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet #bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back #and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id #it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category #or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is #my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread #something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it #but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore #ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me #delete later

2 notes · View notes

jentlemahae · 3 months

Text

-

#need to rant about a few dark things #i know my condition is progressive and it’s gonna get worse and worse and i can see myself getting worse but at the same time it takes so #long sometimes i wish it would hurry up and kill me already lol why couldnt i have a normal disease like cancer or something #sometimes i feel like im in an out of body experience watchingmy body slowly die #i would never kill myself but sometimes i wish i could be run over by a bus or something because this is so annoying #and i wish i could be one of those happy disabled people with lots of friends but noooo i have to be traumatized and mentally ill on top of #that too #i am. such a nice person i dont get why i am in this situation #i really don’t wanna move back to italy if i get worse my grandma is just gonna have to die so my mom can move here #:(#one of those days where everything feels so heavy #i get why no one stays for me this is too much to handle even for me

2 notes · View notes

this-doesnt-endd · 4 months

Text

I love the museum scene from ferris bueller so much not only cause its just great but also cause like everytime i see it i see myself and think about how special that kind of moment is

#i talk abt this often but like cause it impacted me so much #cause like i had the worst experince for my second half of highschool and my dad who also didnt like highschool understood #the importance of like taking the day off abd he'd let me skip and call me in sick and have a ferris bueller day as we called it #cause its a movie we both deeply loved and loved together #and at first id just stay at home in bed not getting up with the movie in the background and like eventually i started to do things w my da #cause my mom didnt know and she couldnt know so id go out and do things so it wasnt noticiable i was home all day #and like id walk around my neighborhood and go to musuem and movies and listen to new music and go to parks and places i hadnt been before #trying to give myself the best day show myself something good and slowly i went from rotting away to being like im taking a stand #im not letting my life unfold around me and i went out and did things i wanted to do and learned about all the things i wanted to #and was actually like involving myself in like what i wanted my future to be i went to plays and art museums and the movies #and when i see that scene i think of john huges commentary and how the museum was a place of refuge for him and so he came back to it #and put it in his movie and allowed it to be thst again and it was for arguably his like magnum opus #and that scene just fills me with such a sense of peace and nostalgia and hope and i cry everytime!#and everytime that movie is in theatres i go and see it and after its all over and i walk out and feel the sun shine on my face #everything for a moment feels like its gonna be okay and i think of my dad and the first time i saw this movie in elementary school #on one of those days he just had off and we took the day off together and how during the moment in my life everyone else was telling me #abt how important school was even when it was killing me he knew that sometimes you just had to take the day off and take it easy #and he let me everytime without questiom cause he knew what it meant and how much it meant to me

2 notes · View notes

funkylittledemon · 4 months

Text

so sick and twisted that i spent so much time looking after other people that asking for help is now an unforgivable sin to me. like no i wont make anyone else Help me bc all i am is someone to Help others so i shouldn't need help or do anything to make anyone else feel like that and whats worse is like 5 years ago my friend predicted this shit like I've been feeling guilty about getting basic help for over 5 years and it just gets worse

#best thing I've ever done was stop doing counselling as a degree bc if i continued id have slowly killed myself #to me if im upset its manipulation. bc ppl are nice and will want to make sure im okay but if they didnt know i was upset they wouldn't #feel like that so i shouldn't let them know I'm upset to make sure they feel okay bc if they're worrying abt me they're worrying #and other ppl worrying is worse than me worrying and then I'm in my room alone crying for no reason and i can't ask for help #god i just sobbed for a good 15 mins #idk this is just another vent post in a sea of vent posts im just anither guy going thru shit #but ive been going thru the same shit for 7 years now & i don't think im getting over it any time soon #i feel bad bc i want someone to care #i really want someone to care and people will but if i tell them they'll worry and i can't make people worry

2 notes · View notes

transboykirito · 1 year

Text

ha reblogging that video made me realise i'm like, either just this week a year sober or next week i'm a year sober but like. yknow. i'm a year sober. that's so fucking cool

#personal #i spent march 2021-late april/early may 2022 (i dont remember lmao proving my own point) permanantly dr*nk or h*gh #i dont think i went more than a week without it and looking back you could TELL. god.#like obviously now i still ~participate in activities~ sometimes but like. it's actually in moderation now and it isn't daily now #it's like.................... i might do it one or twice in a couple of months. not like. i need to do it every day to survive.#march 2021 was a really bad time for me like. we know this. if you follow my main you know this.#idk im very emo about that. like i joke but i was just..... slowly killing myself lmao like i literally was!!!!!!!!!!!#me @ march 2021-feb 2022: long story short it was a bad time long story short i surivived

13 notes · View notes

teethgnashing · 10 months

Text

the constant reminder that my friend group has friends beyond me and are getting more by the day and are getting perpetually happier and i am just slowly backsliding into fucking unlovable nothing because i am physically incapable of making friends now that i'm not a pre-burnout young teenager

#i try so hard not to be like. “i need to be the center of your life and attention”#i like that my friends have friends #but everyone i know is making more friends and i'm just.... losing them. so slowly. but i am #i feel the noose of total isolation tightening and i know ill kill myself when it cinches #its just a matter of when. i guess #tw suicidal ideation #i guess #chatter #yes i am jealous of my friends who are confident and likeable to strangers. yes im a bad person. i wish i was dead #whatever

2 notes · View notes

476b · 10 months

Text

.

#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol #its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year #watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol #worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece #and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things #he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME #killing him with hammers in my mind #i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends #and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly #and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just #i dont know i guess i thought it would be different #anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time #and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say #you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me #and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me #and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him #you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him #i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize #cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me #and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol #or itll just be at shows and stuff #not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS #actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy #ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT #btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...

2 notes · View notes

milesmoerales · 11 months

Text

the older i get, the more i realize the job that slowly kills me, and it kills my hobbies and my enjoyments too

#the way it keeps guiltripping me for everything ive done #Gaslight me for something i didnt even do #i have always been giving the best but its never enough #they know i need the money to survive despite they barely pay me fairly while they keep exploiting me #im afraid it legit will kill me literally #before or eve after i lose myself #this job rly makes me forget that i am deserving that i am worthy that i am a human being #and im a person who has dreams too and it also slowly kills them too #why is it so hard to live the way i want to

2 notes · View notes

eightylinesofvergil · 1 year

Text

wuh woh

#vince.txt ⚟#this is my tumblr so who give a shit but like #ill be honest? i do think im sort of running out of that usual steam i have to keep pushing #even after her death i felt like people just. pressured me wah too much to just pretend like nothing happened or anything #not even counting the subsequent treatment i received too 😀 after multiple requests for people to maybe not violate boundaries #like i dunno. maybe dont tell me to kill myself. or make jokes about car crashes and shit #or even make jokes about me not having a partner anymore 😟 i thought itd be easy but i suppose not #and then theres THIS current thing too which annoys me to all hell #it annoys me that some people can just do shit and get away with it and have their lives uninterrupted #whilst im stuck slowly bleeding out night after night not able to sleep anymore #or to look at certain people without completely breaking down #because the physical aspect does matter yeah. ill never be able to regain most of my sense of touch in that hand #im never gonna truly regain my dexterity either but #those aren't gonna be things that torture me for the rest of my life yk #day after day has been torment for me as of late #and i really don't think thats gonna change #not for a while at least. i know im strong and all but #i do think im at my wit's end. between people and my hand and the fact that ill never get closure on anything #november grows closer every single year after all too #I'll get over myself one of these days though

3 notes · View notes

uranium · 11 months

Text

>:| was cooling off by playing the bass which i know i do pretty badly but its fun to me and my housemates brother fucking busts in and starts explaining to me how my bass sucks and my playing sucks and why i need to know x y and z and do i even know minor chords and why do i only play tabs can you shut the fuck up maybe before i start smashing your brains in with my beautiful cheap bass

#bass is like the one thing im not a perfectionist about #im here to makes noises to try to vomit out the emotions in me and so that i can slowly see myself improve in a physical skill over time #i do not give a fuck about how i play compared to other people or what i 'should' know to play. kill your self

3 notes · View notes

zarovich · 2 years

Text

is it so selfish of me to want someone to care. is it really that wrong

#personal #trying my best to take care of myself but it feels hopeless. geniunely hopeless #i know im slowly killing myself. intentional or not im damaging my body #why do i have to do to get help it seems the only times ive been able to is the times ive tried to kms so

8 notes · View notes