#im so fucking tired I'm so scared i can't keep losing people i can't i can't i can't

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[bonefall]

heyyyy bonefallll!!! So uhm. Wind released. And if you read it, what do you think of it?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I started ASC off with a lot of excitement. I had known to not get my hopes up, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like they actually had something meaningful to say about the problems in Clan society. For once, it felt fresh.

A conflict based on a murder mystery and a power struggle, political radicalization within another Clan with anti-Clanswapper bigotry turning violent, and the reluctant heir of a legacy sprawling several generations. Like a dark echo of TPB, implying the root issues had never been truly addressed by Darkest Hour. The Clans still have a terrible ruling system. The culture is still bigoted. Firestar failed to destroy the obsession with legacy-- he just founded a new bloodline.

And even if it wasn't THAT deep, it was at least a grounded plot that was based in the characters more than faith in StarClan. If Nightheart's arc about legacy fell apart, I'd still enjoy watching him struggle, lose people, grow, and find his purpose. Or seeing Splashtail juggle the power he'd managed to snatch and was just not smart enough to hold onto. Or the cool fights that would surely result from an invasion of RiverClan.

Wind tossed it. It was already having a downturn in the previous book, but this is a book that seems so afraid of having interesting conflict that it spends 75% of its time debating if something interesting should happen, and 25% of its time barking, "EVIL HEATHENS WHO HATE GOD WILL DESTROY OUR SOCIETY!!"

I can't get over how awful Splashtail's "descent" is. He's having a dumbass atheist stoner debate with Podlight when they go to the Moonpool, musing that maybe you have to eat 9 mice to get 9 lives, and then 2 appearances later he's foaming at the mouth with a dictator speech and kills harelight no miss.

They even seem to have tried to replicate Stonefur's execution but badly. It's jarring. Splashtail had a big dictator speech, killed the beloved deputy suddenly, and the whole camp looks Super Scared and Upset so that you know it's the Evil Leader and not a systemic problem.

His "TALENT FOR MANIPULATION" is saying he heard Curlfeather murmur evil plans in her sleep and (apropos of nothing) accusing her teenage daughter of "getting the wrong idea" about his adult romantic interest in her. I keep coming back to this because the ENTIRE book's plot is based on this successfully smearing Frostpaw's reputation.

you may be tired of hearing it, but I'm definitely more tired than you because I had to read and analyze an ENTIRE BOOK founded on it.

The plot is endlessly arguing over if they can trust Frostpaw or not, gathering "evidence" to this end, while Sunbeam and Nightheart's POVs uselessly languish in ThunderClan doing mentoring stuff.

Im SO sick of being forced to sit in thunderclan while more interesting things happen offscreen. stop adding MORE cats to ThunderClan, you already have Stormcloud and you do NOTHING with him why are they also getting WAFFLEPAW

Everyone's praising the fact that the book can remember previous entries, but actually, I'm going to drop a hot take; It's actually bad if they CAN obviously reference old material, and then it doesn't influence the actions the characters take. They namedrop Nightstar several times and then come up with excuses for why they still need to sit around and do nothing!!

THAT'S WORSE, ACTUALLY.

SCALDING TAKE, I'd RATHER see the cats have the memories of goldfish if the alternative is "We remember Nightstar! We're simply going to purposefully disregard Nightstar, because the plot needs to happen"

They also muse that maybe Splashtail's evilness is making all the RiverClan cats act evil, and they'll go back to normal once he's removed. This has been implied before, but never so blatantly stated.

But most of all, I can't stop going back to "Godless Heathen Bloodlust." What a fucking joke. For a shining minute it looked like we were going to have interesting villains, but no, they really are just coming out and saying that lacking faith is an indicator of a moral failing. What makes Splashtail so uniquely bad and scary is that he "disrespects the ancestors" (hey podlight. what if eating 9 magic mice gives you 9 lives? woah dude look at this. the bugle chips look like claws. lol haha) and hates love and peace and won't even let Jesus guide him.

The scenes with Frostpaw and her allies are the only parts of this book worth reading. Shadowsight, tigerHeartstar. Clinging to Whistlepaw like she's a life preserver. save me windclan

[zerooup]

Cw. : Unalive

God fuckig damnit. I'm genuinely so tired of being the therapist friend, but the second I vent I'm brushed off or screamed at for not saying something sooner. I'm so frustrated, because I was busy helping a friend last night and my ex-mama dug into me for not telling them that they'd left a server and got upset with me on why I didn't tell them they left.

I don't know what I did but I feel like im crunching on bullets right now, Should I have kept my mouth shut? Should I have spoken up sooner? I don't know.. I feel like such a fucking failure for not saying anything till now, I didn't want people to bombard them after what happened yet I feel like such a dick for not saying anything.

i'm so tired. so. very.. tired... I'm tired. yet I can't fuckin cry about it because I'm expected to keep my eggs in a basket when in reality the basket isn't real and I'm chucking the eggs at the wall. I talk about wanting to end it because everything is getting so much worse and I'm told "Do it, no balls" I feel like I'm watching my ex grow farther and farther from me by the moment and im scared everyone is going to leave me again. They've done it once, what's stopping them from doing it again?

I'm tired of feeling like i'm in trouble for speaking up I'm tired of feeling like i'm in trouble for not speaking up I'm tired of feeling like i'm the one who tore the relationship apart I'm tired of feeling like i'm broken and missing what makes me whole. I'm tired of feeling like i'm the one in trouble. I'm tired of feeling like i'm the one that needs to spread information. I'm tired of feeling like i'm the one carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, with my ankles shackled together while still acting as if I could thrive in those conditions. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so tired. I'm Emotionally exhausted I'm Mentally exhausted. I'm Physically exhausted. I'm not able to do this on my own. I'm not able to do this period. I'm not able to do it. I can't do it. I'm tired of being in pain I'm tired of feeling like I was never enough I'm tired of feeling like this was all my fault. I'm tired of being so upset I get sick from it. I'm tired of being the only support for 30+ people that are 3 to 5 years older than me i'm tired of feeling like a therapist for my friends I'm tired of feeling like a therapist for my parents I'm tired of feeling like an adult. i'm just a kid damnit. yet i'm yearning to be a kid. i'm a failure. I can't even keep my mouth shut. i want to be okay i want to be there i want to finally fucking graduate.

yet i cant. because im lazy and unmotivated. no matter how much i tell them i don't understand the content, they wont let me pick a different class. because i get barked at when i'm on the call with other students. i am tired. i am done.

i give up.

I've been fighting a losing battle for 9 years. i think its time to rot away in my bed. -Freminet

[kelseyfitzherbert]

so id love to put this under a read more but i haven't been here lately and my brain is mush and i forgot but i just need a place to scream

tw: cancer, depression, self hatred, loneliness, etc etc etc

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im so tired. my toddler has cancer yet im the tired one. everyday is just me on autopilot until the next treatment, or doctor's visit, or body scan. when my husband isn't home, i crumble, having to handle my son alone. and he's a really good kid. but everyday is the same. and i know it's temporary, and i know i should be grateful for whatever time i have with my kid, but i'm losing me. i want to get away but have nowhere to go. i want to escape but everywhere i turn is reality. and i can't. i have a job to do here and my kid is counting on me.

but man, what i would've give for like, a four day coma.

im lonely. i feel like everyone i love pulls away from me, and it's my own doing. one example is i used to talk everyday in a group chat with my only local remaining close friends, but now it's deserted and i'm 90% sure they have a group without me. i didn't mean to pull away. things just got so busy and sometimes it's just so hard for me to even say a sentence. they tried to invite me to things at first but with my schedule so up in the air and dependent on riley, they stopped asking me. and maybe i'm stupid, and overreacting, and self sabotaging myself but i feel like almost everyone in my life is doing this now. my husband, my kid, my friends, my family. and it's so hard not to blame it on myself because....why wouldn't it be. ive done this my entire life. i push people away. i don't mean to, but i do.

i don't mean to be this way but everything in my life is so isolating right now. i don't spend any time with anyone outside my family. i have problems that get ignored. i try and speak up but it feels like im invisible. it feels like nobody wants to hang out, or spend time with me, or just talk to me about things that are normal and not my situation. my old friends don't say they miss me, or try and help me get out of this in and out day by day horror ride i'm on. sometimes it feels like nobody wants me around. and i know it's not other peoples jobs to do that. i know it's my own. i know i need to put forth a majority of the effort but i feel like i'm giving and giving and giving and giving and nobody hears me. i can't give anymore. i'm exhausted. i'm embarrassed. i'm ashamed. sometimes it feels like nobody's life would benefit from keeping me close and it's just so fucking hard right now.

because who would want to. who would want to entertain the girl whose kid has cancer and over compensates with everything else in her life to try and find a little bit of peace in such a scary, awful world. who gets too loud, too obsessive, too clingy or too annoying. i try not to but it's just hard. idk how my husband is still here. i would've left me so long ago.

i look in the mirror and i hate myself. i hate what i see. i hate who i am and only see myself as useless. i blame that on why nobody wants to be around me, and it pushes me further. i hate the way i look, and i hate it because i'm in better shape than ive been. but ive just been staring at myself today wondering what the fuck im doing wrong. im scared to be around my husband, who is the kindest person in the world. who, without him, id fall apart.

maybe im just overreacting. ive got people in my life who i love so much and i know care about me. but i can't help but fall back into that thinking of "im going to ruin this again" because it's all ive ever done. i don't want to push my friends, my family, my damn husband away. and i overcompensate that and it comes off as clingy and desperate and annoying.

i want to get back to things i love but it's hard. im trying. i still workout, i actually love going at 430am now. but other than that, i cannot get myself to do anything more than exist. i want to do things. i want to talk to people and go out and adventure and live. i want to draw and write and sing but i can't. i just can't.

im so proud of my kid. ive watched this little two year old do things with a smile on his face that would make a grown person cry. he's so brave, and i can't be that for him and i hate it.

im just tired. and if you made it this far, hey, what's up lol. sorry i just disappear and then reappear randomly upset about stuff. this blog has always been my number one safe space since 2010. it's see a lot of the shit of my life. im starting therapy again this month, which will be a shitshow. it'll be good, but it'll be a shitshow.

just...be kind. that's all i can say. be kind to people. you never know what they're going through, and sometimes a simple word can help so much.

and thank you to those who reach out. who care. i love you all. ❤️

[a0kira]

-why can't i make any friendships work? I'm really sick and tired of this. When i move out of here i will stop trying to have any friends. Maybe im just not cut for this type of thing you know?

+good, isn't that what you wanted all along?

-exactly! I will stop thinking about others and start thinking about myself. Fuck both confidence and anxiety! I won't ever open up in a relationship, i won't care about empathy and shit. Who did ever have empathy for me anyway?

+but what if you lose this? What if you lose the only thing that makes you special. And you don't even wanna feel special you just want people to think that way.

-but what if i just show them that i'm special and not really be special?

+you are only fooling yourself with this one. You'll never be special anyway. You are not a person. You will always be afraid to have deep conversations "ohh, what if they find out about me?" " what if they know about me?" . You will never be close with anyone you will be alone.

-yeah but doesn't being alone sounds so charming to the ear? Both mentally and physically.

+you will get bored eventually. When you are in your late forties you will realise that no one is there for you you are all alone, by yourself. That's when it's gonna hit you... 'wow i really am alone'

-i just wanna be free

+i know

-but being free feels like being vulnerable

+does being vulnerable makes you uncomfortable?

-no, i'm just scared

+of what ?

-i'm scared that i won't have any little secret of mine to myself. I'm not scared of getting hurt or something

+isn't that why you hide yourself in the first place?

-yeah... i get tired, you know?

+ i know

-i know that you know

+then why are you saying it?

- saying it out loud means i'm accepting it

+we thought of this before, why are you saying it over and over again?

-before i was just saying them out of habit, without thinking. Now its real

+if you say so...

-what? You don't trust yourself?

+no.

- yeah... You're right.

__

-you know i really wanna be bad person. And i want people to know that they are cause of my bad personality, i want them to take some responsibility. I wanna be rude, cause fights, get beaten up... Maybe i should just get a job at a mafia or something that will fix it right?

+you really want a lot...

-i know

+and these will never happen, you also know that right?

-...

+you will never stop being an emotional mess,you will miss your emotions the moment you try to lose them. And the "ideal you" always changes because you are greedy and you get bored pretty easily. And even if you do all this, it will never feel enough, you will wanna be someone else suddenly and you won't stop until you get there. You are always trying to fit in some type of pattern and becuase of this now you don't ever have anything to yourself. You are not original and you do not have a personality of some kind. And you will never have a personality if you keep this, you know that, yet you keep going on until everyone is satisfied and your desire to appear special is met. You are literally miserable.

-how can you be mentally miserable?

+oh no, not mentally your personality is poor enough.

-...

+...

- im really lonely...

+don't worry, im here.

-oh , i know

I know.

[trans-indentalmasculinity]

After ten years of transition, you'd think Id have better control of my emotions. The problem is, I also am Borderline. It's a personality disorder from hell, and it makes me hate myself. It makes me into someone sometimes thats me but isn't me. It makes my emotions ramp to 100 where most people's is 25, you see. So it can be a bit of a problem, constantly. And I have yet to figure out what I need to do about it. But I. Im trying. I am a lifetime of fuckups but I am trying. I know I'm trying to rush. I know thats what life is telling me. But simultaneously my soul is worn. And spent. And tired. I have some left but I'm afraid I'm going to lose this fight one day. And I don't want to fight myself so much, But because of this damn brain fuck of a disease, I don't trust myself. I've only been in therapy for a year consistently. Which is good yeah. But I. I'm not where I need to be. I'm not the man, the person I want to be. And I keep pushing her away. And I don't know why. Except I do. Because she deserves the best of me and nothing less and I fuck that up so much that I just hate myself for it. And I have to be honest. I can't just put shit away but I'm trying to deal with them. I'm not even trying to complain which apparently is all I do too according to some people, which maybe they're right but I'm not trying to complain And be down all the time, and I wasn't, and I know eventually I wont be sad every day again. I'm just scared. Everything scares me.

[bonanana]

vent under cut it's incomprehensible you can keep scrolling. Xoxo.

I am so scared. I am so so so so so so so scared. I go to the hospital by myself tomorrow after a long day of work through busy traffic and I'm just so terrifyingly terrified of it all. I have to stay the night. It's a sleep study. WHAT DO I PACK? What is gonna happen? Why can't I stop crying? I feel like everyone hates me and is so tired of me and my problems. I have told everyone that I'm okay but I'm not. I say "yeah I'm alright" and if they are kind enough to ask further I tell them I'm merely tired. I can't do this anymore. I have to work tomorrow morning, I get off at 5, have to be at the sleep study center by fucking 7:45, it's an hour and some change away from home, I stay the night after getting hooked up to gizmos and gadgets, I sleep at an unfamiliar place in which I'm terrified to be at, they wake me up at 6am, send me home through traffic and shit, I come home, have to deal with the house and chores and housework and stuff, then I have work, then I have work again the next day, and then I have a therapist appointment the next day, and then work that evening after it.

IM SO TIRED. I'm so tired of it all.

I'm so exhausted. And it feels like everyone hates me! Everything is so confusing! Recently I have not been closer to killing myself than now. That's not grammatically correct and I don't fucking care. Everyone hates me. I hate me. I want to die so bad. My job sucks, my coworkers suck and I can't stand half of them they're so fake, all of my friends are secretly tired of me and hate me I just know it and FUCKING OBVIOUSLY I hate myself and everything about me and my existence and how people treat me and etc etc etc etc etc etc etc I am sooooo done with life ovhhh my gosshshshaj KILL MEEEEEEE KILL ME.KILL ME I am venting here because hopefully nobody will see it but also so people can perceive how much this one guy is going through I hate being chronically disabled I hate having no one who genuinely wants to be around me I hate having to act like I'm not losing it every single day I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I am losing it y'all I can't do this anymore ohhh my gosh

[listcners]

Serious rambling time cause ive already been feeling lonely and stressed out and burnt out and bad for the last like week.

Debating on dropping Tumblr rp again cause.. idk. Don't have the time or mental space for it rn. Desperately want to write or rp but I feel like my writings bad and that Tumblr rp just.... makes my mental health bad?

Like, I don't like Tumblr rp format. As much as I try. I like starters and just going off and seeing what evolves from them. But I don't like the short form? Like, I maybe get 20 notes into a rp usually less and it dies off. Like, that's no one's fault- we have lives, jobs, health, both mental and physical to deal with. I forget regularly about threads cause of add. But like, when I get really excited or involved in a thread and it just dies it really triggers RSD for me and makes me feel like I'm shit at writing or people don't like my style or don't like me and like I know it's not healthy cause I know that's probably not true but I can't help it? And it still hurts.

It's just, tumblr is so fast paced and there's always so many threads that I can't keep up or if I can I still get fixated on an idea and lose the motivation for other threads because I want to continue a specific one?

I like long form stuff, I like talking about potential plot and like talking ooc as I'm writing and that just doesn't really happen here on tumblr? And that's probably my fault. I'm not super outgoing. I'm nervous to reach out to people even if I desperately want to! I want to be closer with a lot of you! I wanna rp more with a lot of you! But I'm fucking terrified of putting myself out there and I'm frustrated at myself for that.

But I'm scared of making friends and losing them cause I've realized I'm losing friends just cause life is pulling me away from them and I honestly don't have a lot of friends anymore

It's gonna sound fucking dumb but I miss writing of Google docs. An old friend and I in an old fandom use to have Google docs that were 100s of pages long and we'd sit and write and it was so fun and exciting seeing their cursor pop up and ooc messages pop up in real time or you'd see a message waiting for you and idk.

I'm trying to get back into writing fic/dribbles because I'm desperately wanting to write to the point I've been upset that I'm not writing and I want to but I can't get myself to reply to the starters in my inbox which I think are the only things I have to respond to.

If I drop tumblr I won't be deleting the page, I'd just, not really be on it. Idk I probably won't but it's not like im on here much anymore unless I wanna look at art.

I honestly don't think I'll drop it cause I threaten it a lot to myself but I hate getting rid of things cause I'm getting rid of memories. And I don't like that.

Just needed to fucking word vomit because I've been crying like non stop most of today and I'm tired and keeping it all in was making it worse. Going to bed now cause my shoulder is still fucked and I have to work tomorrow long hours with no ac on a crowded and hot weekend.

[hesnotavillain]

is there still anyone here?

it's trully been ages and tbh i almost didn't remembered the right email or password. i was creating an account on substack, since apparently that's a thing now (or has been forever and i'm only now finding about bc people are sharing theirs on my timeline) bc i was feeling like writing to no one really, just to put some feelings into words and then i remembered this "place" exists.

so funny (and cringe, obviously) getting to see how i spent years and years and lived through so much mental illness and so many fictional obsessions. this is like a museum of a lifetime, im not kidding.

writing this is also making me see how fucking bad my english actually is nowadays (if it was ever better)

let's see. im 23. got in college last year. quit my antidepressants the year before - which was also the year the guy i was seeing (because surprise surprise, you're bi!) and didn't have much expectations on became my boyfriend and potential future husband. i love him very much and we laugh a lot together. ngl i do miss women sometimes tho. just that specific sapphic atmosphere you know? dont really see myself away from it for the rest of my life. i mean, that just sounds like a very long time.

oh! i started the gym very recently. cant say that it changed my life yet, but honestly im hoping on that. it doesnt really have to change my life, but if it gets me some dopamine to go through my days with a nice ass as a bonus, i'll be happy. eating is not really the problem, cooking is. im too fucking lazy and this is actually the biggest fucking rock on my shoes. is that even a saying outside brazil? anyway.

i want to say i miss being a teenager, like maybe being 16-19 but man how can i say this when i was so fucking miserable mentally for way before that. im way better now, but sometimes i miss it and i know that really the only thing i miss is not having a real thought about anything that concerns real life because i was too drowned on gay content and too engaged with my internet friends. lmao. that sure was the life huh.

i dont think this writing exercise is working, but i also dont know what there is to 'work' really. i feel like there's a zillion subjects travelling aroung my mind all the time and i wanna deal with each but never know where to start so i guess that explains the messines.

im kinda excited to turn 30 (in a I'm Totally Romanticizing Turning 30 From Now On Because I Believe I'll Be At My Finest Era slightly delusional way). (if global warming even let us get there without massively destructing my mediocre reality). im also scared of the day i'll lose my loved ones. i feel like for the first time in my life im starting to understand that there's just so much life to live. so much life. how can every single possible thing, even the good ones, result on anxiety tho.

im already tired of this (writing) and dont know how to finish but for now i guess the substancial thing i can't forget is that i made it to right here and i'm the one who can get me to right there. so. just keep rolling my dudes.

[malka-lisitsa]

Dear Boyfriend

It's me I'm the boyfriend

Verse: red string - Theres a few pages of paper torn and crumpled up by his trashcan

Dear Stefan,

This is not the life that I had planned for us. Not by far. I had intended for us to run away together in 1864 and spend the rest of eternity side by side. Us against the world. Immortals who's years together are as endless as our love.

But this is not that story. Forever is much shorter than I had ever intended it to be, and that makes me both angry, and scared. I am finally happy and here I am still scared for the end. The situation is the same, the enemy is just wearing a different face.

A large part of me wants to scream at you. Hate you. Hit you, how dare you do this to me, to us? How dare you wait till I have an expiration date to decide that you care about me again?? How could you? How could you do this to US? WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE HERE. YOU PUT US HERE. YOU AND FUCKING ELENA.

......but what good does being angry do when I know my time with you is limited? The truth is, Stefan I'm scared. You think I would be used to that feeling by now, that it would be background noise but every day I wake up I am a day older, just like before- only this time it MATTERS. There's no magical fix, (allegedly) there's no way for me to avoid it this time... I am going to wither away and die, and you will look as good that day as you do today.

This isn't fair. How fucking shitty of whatever bullshit forces are out there to finally give me what ive been fighting for for 200 god damn miserable fucking years only to put an expiration date on it??? What the actual fuck did I do to deserve any of this? I just don't understand. All I ever wanted was to be happy, to get my happy ever after. The fucking cruel irony that I'm so scared of it ending that I can't even be blissful about it.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in your arms and I am so happy..... and then the silence sets in and I remember that this will END one way or another. I don't think you realize how badly this hurts. How terrified I am. I wish love were as powerful as I had imagined it as a kid. Then all it would take to fix this was our love being more powerful than death..... but it's not.

Almost none of this is how I imagined it. How I imagined us. I wanted forever.... I got a forever of what? 20 years looking this good max, and another 40 or 50 looking like a decrepit old hag? Forever went from an eternity to seventy years tops... I'm fragile now, so any time I fall sick or ....straight up fall all of that could be cut short. Not to mention all the people who's shit list I'm on just got a lot easier of a job taking me out.

What is how I imagined it, on the other hand... is how it feels to be in your arms. How it feels to be the one you look at when you think I dont know. How it feels to kiss you. How it feels to hear you whisper I love you when you think Im asleep. How it feels to be tangled up with you in the sheets, how it feels to fall asleep listening to your heart beat.... how it feels to be loved by you. None of that has changed. All of it is still more precious to me than anything you could ever imagine.... all of that is everything a little bulgarian girl wished for on a shooting star in the 1400's... You are my dream come true...

I just wish I was strong enough to be the fearless girl you think I am.

Then I wouldn't be so scared to lose all of this. TO lose us.

Maybe the universe will smile on us and some kind of fix for this pathetic state I'm in will present itself. Maybe I will get to be immortal again and we will have forever... true forever.... of course I'm always going to hope, and fight for that.... for you...

But on the days that I'm too tired to keep fighting. On the says I'm too weak to stand, and I fall to my knees and sob and take all of my fear and anger out on you... I'm sorry. I'm trying... I'm just scared. I've already sat by for 147 years unable to touch you and helpless to watch you live your life without me.... I don't want to do it for eternity on the other side too.... Im just scared Stefan....

So I hope you can forgive me for the days I am a bitch to you. This isn't how I wanted to be... but I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Even after I'm gone.

Katherine

[dumblefrog]

I'm so fucking tired of everything I fucking hate my body like I'm classed as und3rw31ght but I feel fatter than I have ever before I also can't stop thinking about food like I don't know how to explain it but I feel like food has been around everywhere I think it's because its been the holiday so my sister has been home a lot and she eats quite a bit and doesn't give a shit about kcals (lucky) I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I cutting contact with people I care about as I just don't want to deal with it.

I just want to be my old weight again and less than that but at the same time keeping that up makes me feel like shit because I can't even enjoy my comfort foods anymore without feeling guilty and I'm scared of going into hospital because for example I would try and kms again but I'm scared of that failing and then they realise I'm und3rw31ght again and then they keep me in for the summer AGAIN last summer was so shit I spent the whole of June to the end of August in hospital and even had to spend my birthday in hospital with people forcing food down my throat!!

I'm just so fed up dude why does life have to hate me so much I also r3l4sp3d with sh and I can't wear short sleeve tops for a bit as well they are still fresh and very noticeable and I don't want people to worry.

My whole head is just numbers for food and drink and scales like I want to enjoy food a bit because I'm not in the position to just fast my life away as I still live with my family so they notice if I don't eat at all, like of course they know I have an ed so it's not like I have to hide that but I get pressured into eating if I don't eat for over a day, so I need to be able to still enjoy food but I can't even do that like not even with fucking rice cakes or fruit I can I just want to st4rv3 to death and rot

And if I vent to anyone who doesn't have an ed and I say stuff like that their like 'so your getting upset over kc4ls 😐' LIKE FUCK OFF ITS NOT JUST THAT IM SCARED TO LIVE MY LIFE I CANT LIVE MY LIFE I JUST CANT

IM SO FED UP OF EVERYTHING I WANT TO RIP OUT ALL OF MY HAIR AND SCREAM MY HEAD OFF

[journalofanangel]

what causes me to self destruct?

the fear of losing, the fear of missing out, the fear of disappointing someone (regardless of our relationship or how close we are), the fear of being hurt or abandoned... i also overthink and blame myself and can't separate myself from my thoughts and emotions.

I feel pressured, ashamed, and anxious. I get a rush of adrenaline that is mostly, if not entirely, shame and anxiety. I get nervous and, even if I feel like I'm thinking clearly, I'm still irrational and I can't put two and two together. this might have to do with my disorders unfortunately.

If you label yourself as a bad person, you’ll start to believe that something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’ll never improve. Instead, by thinking of yourself as a good, worthy person who makes mistakes, you give yourself permission to grow. (quote)

i struggle with understanding why my friends think im a good person, why they love me, or why they don't think I'm a horrible person. i feel a lot of shame around who I am, where I come from, and the lies I've told. i feel like I have so many reasons to feel horrible and I feel like others should think I'm horrible too.

i know there's something positive to take from this but I'll add that on later.

you could tell yourself that you are allowed to choose a healthy alternative to your self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could turn to alcohol when you’re in pain, but you’re also allowed to call your friend for support.

the important thing for my to remember is that I'm allowed to rely on people. i can't consistently rely on most of the people around me because I don't feel understood or safe around them. i feel like if i don't have someone to ground me, i spiral. i can ground myself at times but then i still get scared. i get scared so easily unfortunately.

my friends have told me it's okay to reach out and rely on them. it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to talk to them, it's okay. i never really feel safe around my family though. i feel so disgusting around them. they say they're happy to be part of these things but it feels so gross every time. i don't want to be around them.

i wanna feel safe... i wish this one friend could feel safe around me but with this kind of behaviour and this mindset, I get why she can't. i understand why.

i wanna find some healthier coping mechanisms that work in the moment, things that can help me slow down when I can't rely on others.. I'd like to not be so dependent.

If avoiding self-destruction is intensely difficult, try waiting 30 minutes to engage in the behavior instead of acting on the impulse right away.

I've tried this, I think I just need to dedicate myself to it. especially when I feel myself having doubts that end up being true...

Overcoming self-destructive behavior is not an overnight process. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness is essential as you work toward healthier coping skills. When you’ve relied on self-destructive actions to numb your pain for so long, you likely feel some degree of mental, emotional, or physical addiction to the behaviors.

I always expect to heal overnight, I expect to fuck up once then never do it again.. I never expect kindness or forgiveness, i scare myself into acting how I think I "should" and then inevitably end up shaming myself into acting a certain way.

this is really hard. i feel horrible but I'm trying to improve, I just hate hurting people over and over like this. im tired of disappointing people. I've been tired of this. it's so hard being consistent. it's hard but I'm trying. I've stopped caring if people notice or if they care, this isn't about them at this point. it's for me and, inevitably, the people I love. i can't keep shaming myself and running away.

I should bring this up to my therapist. this can be something she helps me with. i want to stop focusing on the past and putting so much energy into feeling bad or being angry about what's already happened. I want to heal, I want to do better.

i want to love people without deeply wounding them. i know the hurt and the mistakes are inevitable, we're only human after all and love is a complicated thing, but I want to love them anyway.

I want to love and I want to be good. I want to feel whole and safe.

saturday march 4th 2023 2030

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

hi sorry to vent in ur asks like this but im tired of life and I have nobody to talk to. I'm so worried about the world and covid and bad vaxxes and Ukraine and Canada and fucking biden but im a year away from graduating college and I don't have time to do anything but work and study. my grandmother is in the hospital with fractured vertebra and cracked bones, all of my other grandparents have diseases that are progressively getting worse recently, my terminally ill uncle has reached the average length that people survive with his cancer and his health has gotten worse since Christmas. I spend all day learning sad things and more sad things and I come home to keep reading about sad things. I'm failing one of my required classes but I can't fail bc it would push my graduation to another year. I want to ask for a break but midterms start in a week and I cant afford to fall behind in anything. I'm so tired and afraid but there isn't a single thing I or anyone else can do except sit and wait and hope and honestly I can't see myself living for much longer like this. I'm sorry to bring so much stuff in your asks knowing that you can't even do anything but I have noone to talk to in real life or anywhere but anonymous asks really

Damn, I'm so sorry anon. It sounds like your life is really fucking hard right now. I'm not making this about me, but several times over the past year I've felt similarly. I was scared and angry and kept thinking "if things get too much worse I'm going to have to seriously consider how much of this I want to be around for". And I didn't have even half the stuff you're going through. My point with telling you this is that you're stronger than you think you are. You've held on through more than I could ever handle, and I don't consider myself to be mentally weak. As much as I can say without knowing you, I think you'll survive this, anon.

I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to ignore this, but I think the best thing you could do is just turn off the news completely and focus on your family and your studies. The world will go the way it goes with or without you watching it happen. Spend as much time with your loved ones as you can, and treasure every moment you have with them. Make them happy moments. Tell them you love them. Tell them anything you've always wanted to tell them but have been putting off. Try your best not to have any regrets after they're gone, and as many happy memories as you can stuff into your head. In some ways, I think it's a little bit easier losing people when you've known it's coming for a while. You can mentally prepare and make sure they're as loved and as comfortable as possible.

[nuclearnerves]

INCOMING VAMPIRE AU THOUGHTS

Don't mind me I'm finally getting the ideas I had on this shit out so I can actually go forward with developing it as an AU. It's my usual mixup of fps protags, Gordon Guy and John, but I'm starting with Gordon as the Vampire and Guy as the Vampire Hunter.

absolute beast of a wall of text under the cut

What If Being A Vampire Literally Sucks All The Time Forever like chronic pain sucks. like THAT level of sucks. Like Here's what I was thinking of. Being a vampire isn't just "being alive forever but you need to drink human blood" It's like Oh man I have some lore you look at vampires and their main thing is that they're blood suckers right so lets start with a corpse dead body. cadaver. no longer with us. just some rotting meat. The brain needs oxygen as fuel. The blood supplies the oxygen through blood. The blood is pumped through the heart. The blood is made by your bone marrow. You die. Your heart stops beating Blood stops pumping Brain no longer has oxygen to think marrow stops making blood thats standard! Now, becoming undead, as a vampire, is a little more complicated. The long and short of it is: your body is FIGHTING ACTIVELY to be alive against all odds and wins every time (immortality), but it hurts the whole way

I have the gist of it. It's like. Your heart stops. By all means, you should be dead. but the magic kicks in, and you're still thinking. Your brain is still sending signals to your muscles to move. But using what oxygen to move? whats burning in you? You don't know but you know it's just enough to get to your next meal. So you ferociously eat something, and then find you can't swallow. You can't make saliva. You barely have the energy to chew, and once you DO get something in your stomach, it immediately comes back up. Why can't you feel your pulse? What's going on? You're out of options so you figure you might as well just lie down and die. You're too tired to keep going anyway. So you do, you lie down, and you close your eyes, and you quietly hope that death is as peaceful as sleep. You realize you've actually been moving around without breathing, which makes sense because you can barely flex your diaphragm for more than a shaky wheeze. How are you thinking with such little oxygen? But as you fade from consciousness, you can feel something in you, and it's so upset, it's crying, it's filled with grief, and you instantly can tell it's your skeleton. It's your bones. You're distraught down to your marrow. You're dying. You're dying! Your heart stopped and you have no more blood! You need blood! You need blood to move! To breathe! To think! You try to breath deep again for the voices in your bones, trying to comfort them, to sooth them with the repetitive motion in your lungs, trying to fill yourself with anything but grief, but they keep wailing. We make the blood, our creation, our child, what we put all of our work into is gone! gone! gone! We need it back! Anything! All of it! Find it! Bring it back to us! We're hungry! WE'RE HUNGRY!

and once you find yourself too exhausted to listen, to think, how badly you wish just to die already to cease hearing this wailing, you find your body moving without you. And it's hungry and it's searching and it's crawling on all fours and it misses its beautiful red life that made it feel so full before and it needs it back, and the next thing you know you're desperately grabbing anything with blood in it and shoving it in your mouth in a desperate attempt to sooth this cry for life, you don't want to die, you don't want to die, you worked so hard to keep up this body and craft it and LIVE with it and you're not going to go, and even when you try, even when you try to lay down and die, your body refuses, it takes the reigns, and it keeps up the work itself with or without your help. And it's not until your stomach is full and your teeth are stained and you feel a pulsating burning in your bones that you snap back awake, completely conscious, just fine. You're lucid, you don't feel any more pain. Everything around you is dead and drained and messy and your heart still isn't beating. but you can breathe now and holy shit you guess you literally need to kill to survive and the less you eat and the more you starve yourself the worse it gets when your body finally decides to take recourse.

my idea was like. "the vampires curse is actually stored in the bones, thats why the teeth get so sharp and also theres a connection between blood and bones with the creation via bone marrow" its literally like i was sitting there thinking "no no no, whats it like to be a vampire. what neurosis would you develop. How would you panic? What are common mistakes beginner vampires make" which, by the way, gordon is a beginner vampire

so now you gotta factor, what blood lasts for how long? how long can you go between meals? not only that, but what creatures satisfy the urge? How long can you go avoiding human blood? Does it work like drugs where you develop a resistance to the high, or is it like food where it will keep you moving until you eat again? How the fuck are you gonna get your hands on blood? Can you just eat raw meat? Does that count? and thats where im at lol

OKAY now. now thoughts on beginning scenes of vampire au

So my idea was this Doomguy is a vampire hunter independent and one of his buds says that some freak scared and almost attacked his daughter when she got too close to his old abandoned laboratory up the hill and hes like “he might be… you know… a problem. if you needed a lead” and guys like yeah i fuckin hate the undead ill kill this dude so he busts into old lab space and sees so many dead animals its actually mostly Bones and pelt that hes seeing piles of feathers etc so hes like yeah this is all telltale signs of vampire uhhh hes introduced to gordon SOMEHOW im not totally sure of the details but the working idea i have is guy falls into a trap gordon devised that restrains him suspended in wire or something and gordon like. limps/stumbles into the room and this dude looks haggard he’s breathing heavy, his cheeks are hollow, he’s bug-eyed and shaking while looking at this massive wall of meat in his trap and he bares a bunch of hideous teeth and grits them and looks like hes really struggling with somethin... Like if these dudes don't know each other then Gordon might give in and try to drain Guy, and Guy would absolutely do anything in his power to turn this new vampire into ash, im thinking the inclusion if g-man as a coven leader can fix both issues.

i like the idea of guy falling into gordons trap and gordon thinking about what to do with him before gman shows up and whisks gordon away for a “meeting” while complimenting him on his good work catching the most feared vampire hunter in the country and gman just leaving guy suspended in wires that he has to fight his way out of. Instant situation defuser.

Guy ends up needing to take care of other monsters before going back to Gordon, and he DOES plan to go back to gordon, because no vampire is a good one, especially not one associated with the fucking head of a coven, but next time he sees Gordon, Gordon helps him out of a scrape by attacking and draining a combine who was going to take Guy out or something and escaping before Guy can catch him, or otherwise seeing Gordon do something good with his insane undead powers and like, the third time he meets up with him is when they can actually talk, and Gordons fuckin SO haggard, he’s not even fighting back and he’s even going as far as to say “just make sure theres nothing of me left when you’re done, I don’t want anyone else getting hurt”

Side Note: Guy has a bunch of scarring on his body from dealing with vampires, cops, ghosts, werewolves, anything violent that kills people. I'm playing with the inkling of an idea that he has Divine Blood in him, so that any time something undead bites him or tries to drink his blood, it burns. We'll see.

Side Note 2: now i really like the idea of the combine actually being an organized faction of vampire hunters that are WICKED crooked and exploit people for all their worth in exchange for their “safety” when they kill a vampire They’re essentially loansharks and Guy fucking hates them and hates the name theyve given to vampire hunting

Side Note 3: You've probably noticed that I haven't said anything about John yet! He's in this too. His species is a surprise but I need to get to him later I have an idea for where he came from (Cortana too)

I still need a good reason for Guy to not instantly kill this vampire, if not it's just gonna be "Gordon Freeman escapes the countrys best vampire hunter like a seventh time" every time they meet and they end up being rivals. And it gives Guy enough time to look past the whole "undead monster" thing and start looking at the "Oh this dude figured out how to fight his ridiculous craving for blood in a way more humane than most and is actually staying out of peoples way and keeping to himself. Guess he's not that big of a threat but I still need to keep an eye on him in case he loses it. Turns out he's got a family (Probably Alyx, Eli, Issac and Barney) who's been lookin for him and cares about him as well, don't wanna hurt them". I like the idea of them ending up needing to team up to take out undead together.

And that's what I got so far!!!

[treatbuckywkisses]

so much is happening i want to scream:(

the way my job gives me so much anxiety it's not even funny. that place is a fucking disaster. i get told im going to be part time and im out here working 40hrs a week, and i dont even get my second break usually like im supposed to. there aren't enough people in the department i work in and they pull people from it for other departments anyway. one of our team leads basically told us all our sections looked like shit tonight and he was going to walk us though it and make us tell him everything we did wrong. i was stuck somewhere else for most of my shift and couldn't work on my section, so when i tell you i was so scared dude you don't even fucking know lmao i literally cried because I'm still new and i didn't want them to think i did a bad job or im not cut out for it or whatever. and he never even showed up. he said it to "scare us into doing our work" and im so mad about it. i almost threw up for that ??

im so fucking tired and dehydrated and it's so hot in there i barely even eat on my lunch break and when i get home after my 8hr shift. i can't tell if im losing weight (unhealthy obvi) or if i have looked like this and didn't know lol so i just try not to look at myself if i can help it bc what.

i never really know what i look like, but when i do, it's ugly and i hate it.

also im working on moving into an apartment (i say 'me' but im not alone sgsksh) idk living is hard yk it's a lot and it's stupid and where my stuff is im not even staying bc sarah is a fucking bitch for no reason and i will hurt her feelings if she looks at me so yeah there's like so much shit happening and I'm so overwhelmed like hello i can actually only do so much pls why

anyways i am really tired and i want to cry and sleep forever and ever:( is this what happens when you keep things 'bottled up' lol

omg also? i haven't gotten my period yet like since April and im 🥴🤨 bc where is she yk and then im like babe you're literally a ball of fucking stress and anxiety please take a Xanax but back to stress im so worried i will get my period on my 8hr shift with nothing and i don't drive myself so that is like extra fun yk wow

the way i have never talked so much and i do it like this where nobody will read it sgskdgd this is who i am as a person irl though so congrats if u read this ig hello

also since I'm fucking word vomiting i guess and ive already come to terms with how nobody will read this, i hate this place. like tumblr i mean. idk it just like sucks to feel like you deserve more than you get yk and i actually am allowed to say that. my moodboards do not do nearly as good as i would like to think they would when i make them and it sucks. because believe it or not i start out thinking they're so pretty and the lack of interaction makes me doubt my own abilities and i hate that. and how I have so many "followers" with the amount of notes i get LOL what a joke actually. especially when they're also content creators. why are you even following me then yk like i only provide one thing and you don't even seem to like it so what are you doing here. it's annoying honestly. how can a content creator be the one not giving support. smh.

i think i need to go to sleep bc idk what i just said and if anyone reads this i feel like ppl will be mad at me so that's where I'm at lolllllll i h8 myself <3

[jamboreeofsurprises]

I might regret admitting this, but i feel like i might as well open up about it. i can always delete it later lol.

A lot of my dysphoria is gender related, but some of it is age related as well and I feel like this is a difficult concept for most people to wrap their minds around. Depression started with the onset of puberty for me. it felt like the beginning of things going downhill, and it has, for the most part, continually gotten worse throughout my teen years and now into adulthood. i never looked forward to growing up whatsoever and the fact that everyone else did only further enforced these feelings. it created a great sense of isolation to feel so differently about all these disturbing changes everyone else seemed ready and excited for. the only person i've ever seen who expressed similar sadness about the end of childhood is the artist henry darger. he felt like it was losing important and precious that he would never be able to get back, and that's how i feel about it too. when i still wanted to play with toys, my friends had already grown past that and lost interest and got rid of theirs and it gravely upset me. i didn't want this, but you have to accept as a living being that you have to grow up.

regardless of how i feel about this, i've tried, of course, to do 'grown up' things as you should as you get older, i went to college, took up some more responsibilities, have a job, have other outlets for money, pay taxes, pay for my things etc., but i have always gravely lagged behind where other people seem capable of doing things. i am 24 now and still feel the same as i did when i was about 12. maybe that isn't that strange, but i don't look that different either. i have childish interests. i fit into most of the same clothes (and actually weigh even less). i'm average height but didn't otherwise grow or change very much. because of gender dysphoria, i'm relieved about this. a lot of people still address or treat me like i'm a child and it's because i look and act like one. but i don't know that i even want to or if it's just because i'm chronically immature.

one of the biggest avenues for 'adult pain' to me is driving. i can't do it. it gives me such bad sensory overload and i've seen my own death via car crash in my mind so many times and to be honest with you i'm pretty sure thats the way im going to go. but because i live in california where it's basically required (and i really dont want to leave here), and my parents, and all my peers here, can do it just fine, and have been doing it since they were teenagers, i have to just do it. so okay i try. and ive already been in like 3 accidents. no they weren't serious but i can't do it. everyone else i know does not have that kind of luck with it. but every time i pleaded with my parents repeatedly that i can't do it they just told me to keep trying and now that i'm moved out they made me the owner of the van. because my mom's mom couldn't drive which 'made her basically crippled' in my mom's words, im going to be a disappointment if i can't do it. but i absolutely cant do it.

someone at a desk today needed to know my age and when i answered it they had some disbelief and asked for it again. when something stupid happens like a car accident and i prove again that im just a dumb child, it make me feel a thousand times more embarrassed than if i actually looked and felt like an adult. because it really does just make me a scared incapable little kid all over again.

i dont even know what's autism or what's dysphoria sometimes but i always need so much fucking help with everything to a humiliating extent. my childhood friend was already cooking and maintaining the house when we were little and driving all over the place as soon as they were old enough too. i cant do any of that now. i can barely fry a god damn egg. and the pressure is on all the time because my friends and parents could do all of it way younger than me. im so tired of being me. im so tired of looking and feeling this way and not being able to do anything.