#im so scared that she maybe felt like she didnt matter and then me making that mistake scarred her for life and she'll require therapy-

[nomairuins]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[lepidopterium]

xx!!!!

[piplupod]

in my writing class in grade 12, i was at like the lowest level of functioning i ever was while in k-12 school, so I was really struggling to keep up with schoolwork and could not devote the amount of time and energy necessary to remembering people's names.

i was assigned to put together the class group book, where we would all have one or two assignments from the class in one little book to take home. at the beginning of making it, i put in a bunch of placeholder random names in the table of contents just so i could get the layout figured out, and I told myself I would change them as I went along and added people's assignments to the book.

UNFORTUNATELY I forgot to change one of the names bc i could not remember her name and missed going over the table of contents to ensure I hadn't messed anything up, and the book was printed and we stapled it all together and handed it out and the girl whose name I forgot to change noticed the placeholder (i dont think it was anything mean or rude lol, it was just some random name) name still there and she was (rightfully) very upset and offended

and i feel so fucking bad about that to this day fhdjsl like I can't even look at the little book at all bc i just feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. idk how i could've avoided it bc i was extremely unwell (i was tossed into the psych ward literally two or three days after the grad ceremony a couple months later lmao) and definitely shouldnt have been tasked with putting that book together but man. i wish I'd checked it over better :''')))

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

@intertexts OKAY. FINALLY GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER AND WRITING THIS ALL DOWN SO ITS NOT JUST ROTATING IN MY BRAIN ANYMORE

NEW HAVEN WARDS MARK WINTERS ESSAY (except its more like. stream of consciousness me being insane over him)

>> its been too long, simurgh is too close. she fucking ROCKS half the city with an earthquake before she shows up. ashe runs inside as the roof collapses. his mom is trapped- she had grabbed her phone and some other small essentials and was on her way out when she got pinned by the rubble. ive typed this part out already in another post but as shes yelling at ashe trying to get him to leave, she realizes he wont go by himself so she texts mark . its kind of a shot in the dark- part of her hopes he hasnt evacuated yet so he can come get ashe and get him to safety, but she immediately feels this sense of dread for thinking like that because then that also means he's in as much danger as they are. and she can hear the singing now- some tiny part of her brain logically knows its too late and theyll be trapped by the quarantine protocols anyway, but. they can still get out of that alive. they just need to get there. anyway the important thing here is that the last thing ever hears from his wife is a text that says "ashe athome cant lea e come get hjm"

adding jonesys stupid fucking image in here bc it's so funny to me and is fr how I felt typing this whole thing up for like 4 hours

>> okay going to try my hardest to keep this chronological but i KNOW i will get distracted from that halfway through. starting from the simurgh attack. assuming simurgh attacks look pretty similar to each other, ive been imagining this a lot like the one we actually got to see with the travelers. the notice to evacuate went out in the early afternoon. (im going to say on a wednesday because thats the day i used in my fic and this is OUR AU i get to make the emotionally devastating rules. not that that matters to anyone but me. its a little treat.) so. mark was at work, ashe was at school, i like 2 think ashes mom works in somehting to do with old things or books or whatever so she was probably at work too. her IMMEDIATE thought is to go get ashe from school, because of course it is! (worldbuilding side note i think there are probably evac protocols in place for schools where. first priority is to keep the kids Togehter and get them out first so theyre SUPPOSED to evacuate straight from there and then meet up with their parents when everything is safe. but in a real emergency what parent is going to trust that and just leave their kids safety up to someone else?) she gets to the school and it is absolute chaos with all of the other parents trying to do the same thing. she gets ashe, goes to call mark to tell him where they are and- oh, yeah. she forgot her phone at home this morning. i just. like. the mundanity in that. its a normal morning, she maybe woke up late and had to rush out the door, got to work realized she didnt have her phone, had the thought like "damn thats frustrating. oh well, not like ill need it, ill just get it when im home later" we've all had days like that!!!!!!!!! but it becomes fucking heartbreaking in this situation because it means she now has No Way of contacting her husband to let him know that she has ashe and to tell him not to go to the school (because hes probably thinking the same thing) and to get out and where to meet them when theyre out. she KNOWS its a bad idea, she knows it would be catastrophic if they took too long... but all the other cars are going in the opposite direction, the road back is completely empty, surely they can be fast enough? she knows exactly where she left it, itll take two seconds and hey maybe the roads will be empty enough at that point they can get out even faster. so they fucking RUSH back home. she tells ashe to stay in the car wiht the doors locked while she runs inside.. he is scared and confused and doesnt want to be alone so after. maybe 30 seconds of her being gone he gets out of the car and goes inside.

>> switching to mark pov finally. evac notice goes out, he fucking books it to his car. but because its important to me that hes a little bit of a coward. this is where he hesitates. he knows he should find his family. meet up with them, make sure theyre all okay and they all make it out together. he's also logical. he knows this is a bad idea and his wife's job is closer to the school, shes probably already got ashe and theyre on their way out too. he can just leave. but he hasnt heard anything from her. thats not like her, she would call or something if they were okay, wouldnt she? so he kind of. panics over what he should do. he starts driving, telling himself he'll make up his mind on the road. hes about halfway to the end of the quarantine zone when he gets the text. has a moment of "fuck why are they there?" before immediately deciding to go get them. finds the aftermath of ashe's trigger. ashe is in breaker state, unresponsive except for... why is he laughing. hes sitting on the floor, knees up to his chest hands over his head jsut kind of. staring into the middle distance eyes unfocused quietly loopy laughing like hes totally unaware of the. scene.

>> mark is like. frozen there for a minute obviously horrified and he thinks ashe is having some kind of mental break at the shock and horror (he doesnt. understand that ashe killed her yet) until he goes and tries to get him to stand up and . oh the floor is unstable and bouncy like a trampoline and as soon as he touches ashe's shoulder hes knocked back by a pain in his hand that suspiciously feels like a joybuzzer turned up to 11. okay! fuck! his kid is a fucking parahuman and his wife is dead and the singing in his head just keeps getting louder and he knows what that means and he knows they have to get the hell out of there but hows he gonna do that when he cant get within 5 feet of ashe-

>> i think he just has to like. sit there and talk to ashe. which is a uniquely horrible punishment because it kills so much time in a situation where they need to get out, now, and the whole time theyre in the same room with whats left of a bloody corpse (but he cant think about that right now) and he has to be calm and keep his voice low because every sudden movement makes ashe's powers flare up again in response to a perceived threat- its MESSY, its SLOW its TERRIBLE but he needs ashe to calm down enough that he can actually talk to him and get him out. he eventually does (it feels like hours later, it was probably only like.. 10 minutes) and the weird distortions stop and mark just. runs forward and picks him up and takes him out to the car before ashe can. see what else is in the room.

>> he doesnt even bother putting ashe in another seat in the car he just holds him in his lap as he drives (oh god there are wings in the sky) just. as fast as he fucking can to whatever checkpoint or hospital or safe zone there is for any survivors. theres. not many. enough that the two of them can get lost in the crowd if they try hard enough but . not enough to fill an auditorium. he's maybe got a bunch of really small scrapes or bruises from the process of trying to get ashe to calm down but he doesnt know whether ashe is actually hurt or not so he goes to find some sort of medical attention and the whole time hes thinking "maybe this is a bad idea. i shouldnt tell them ashe has powers what if they take him away" and he gets the same sort of rundown about quarantine and payment that krouse got and mark is just standing there fucking shaking, hes still carrying ashe, he hasnt put him down since they left the house (ashe is still out of it- not because of his powers but because of. everything) and i think thats the breaking point where mark makes up his mind like. fuck this. we cant stay here, we cant go through all of the bullshit protocols, we cant wait that long (he can still hear simurgh in his head- what if shes pushing him to make this choice? is that exactly what she wants? who cares im getting my son somewhere safe)

>> i think mark is really good at. compartmentalizing and pushing down any emotion thats not anger and turning to logic in panic situations rather than emotion. so he hasnt like. fully processed any of this yet. he was more focused on "solve the problem, get out, get safe" to actually think about the fact that. oh my wife is dead. ashe doesnt have a mom anymore. ashe has powers now. how is he gonna deal with a powered kid? he never really cared about capes what does he even do now? i dont think any of this hits him until theyre out of the quarantine zone hiding out somewhere safe (as safe as they can be after. all of that) and his head is quiet and ashe is asleep and he looks down at his phone and sees the text and it all comes crashing down like. oh my god that was real. shes gone. he doesnt even have anything of hers and he never will because their house is basically gone and they can never go back and- FUCK HIM UP!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK HIM UP i want him to have a fucking breakdown . villain origin story moment he realizes nothing is ever going to be okay or normal ever again because theyve been marked by simurgh and hes already broken a huge fucking law how much worse can it get? what else does he have to lose. everything in his life revolves around keeping them safe and keeping ashe out of danger. simurgh be damned if hes going to become an agent of chaos it might as well be on his own terms to protect whats left of his family.

>> i think they move around a lot after that, never staying in one place for too long, never doing anything that make people look at them too closely. mark does a bunch of odd jobs, but its hard to get a job when youre legally dead and have no experience with making a fake identity so. theres a lot of stealing. never anything that would garner cape attention, at least at first, and if people started to get too suspicious theyd just pack up and move again.

>> and then mark does something that DOES draw cape attention. idk what it would be, but it captures the attention of. a guy who knows a guy who works for overlord. hey man you seem like you could use a job. off the books. so he joins up as like a... foot soldier mercenary whatever for overlord. this job is risky- hes essentially a full time criminal now (but what does that matter, he already broke the law), he has to spend extended periods of time away from home, he has to kill people sometimes now... but the money is worth it. he's okay with being a number, a blank face in the crowd, because it means he wont get the immediate fallout if something goes wrong. that gets put on whoever his boss is. ashe is maybe 13/14 by this point, he can take care of himself at home. mark gives himself a limit, hes never going to be away from home for more than 3 days (which he eventually extends into 5 days, which then turns into a week-). he is. really fucking good at his job. hes smart, he can be ruthless when he needs to be, he's efficient. no identity means no friends which means no slacking off on the job. this is all he has, he needs this, so hes good at it.

>> he starts to move up the ranks, take bigger (but never riskier) jobs, and it catches overlord's attention. overlord offers him a promotion. offer being in air quotes here. he lays everything out plain and simple- youre good, youre going to join my personal elite team, i know who you are and why youre running. i can offer you an out, get you and your son (oh god oh fuck overlord knows about his kid) a new life, a new identity, nobody will have any reason to suspect you. and also in order to join you have to take this (cauldron vial!!! + canon parallel to the like. forced experimentation on harttawa)

>> mark doesnt want pwoers. he doesnt want to be a cape. but overlord knows about ashe, knows about their history, and if he turns down this offer theyre both fucked. so logic takes over emotion again and he accepts it, leans into the position, stays as fucking ruthless as ever. but its Different now. hes a cape, he has a secret identity, a name, people are Looking at him now, even if all they see is a costume.

>> silly sidebar for ME here but this period of time is where he meets tide :] forever thinking about ur nhw tidalwave post. fight to maim, not kill.

>> a couple years pass like this and its Fine. ashe is 17 now, mark knows hes fucked up (theyre both fucked up) but hes too deep into this job now to give it up. its kept them safe and in place for this long, he can fool himself into believing they can stay like this . ashe does not have the same train of thought. hes lonely, hes miserable, hes bored, he just wants to have a life! they fight a lot about this. they fight a lot about this and sometimes mark leaves in the middle of it because he gets called on a job so nothing ever gets resolved. they have a particularly rough fight and mark gets pulled away in the middle of it to answer a phonecall, and when he comes back ashe is still pissed but hes just so tired and defeated that hes like "listen. we'll deal with this later, i have to go for a few days, there are groceries in the fridge, do whatever you want, just stay here, be safe, dont be stupid" and then he leaves! and ashe is still pissed and his dad is a hypocrite (why does he get to go out and use his powers and put himself in dangerous situations when ashe gets in trouble for floating the tv remote to the kitchen table while hes eating breakfast, and never gets to leave the house or go to school or have friends or-) . and this is where he makes the decision to sneak out the first time!!

>> he starts sneaking out more often, usually only when he knows mark is gonna be gone for extended periods of time, he gets good at disabling the tinker devices, he has friends!! everything is good!!!! mark finds out when he gets home from a job early and ashe is gone. and he fucking freaks out, hes ready to tear up city streets, hes ready to go on a fucking rampage... but then he hears the window open as he climbs back into his room . its a big like. "oh shit" moment on ashes part, he doesnt think hes ever seen his dad this angry before, he threatens to put bars on the goddamn windows, etc (mark has a reason to be as angry as he does- if anything ever happens to ashe everything hes ever done will have been for nothing. but its still. harsh.)

>> i think once everything cools down from this they do have an actual talk about it that isnt a fight; ashe tells him he has friends now and he just wants to be normal, be a kid, he cant spend anymore time in his room its killing him knowing hes wasting his life like this etc. i think mark maybe reluctantly agrees to letting him go out with his friends (he doesnt know who they are yet, ive GOTTA believe he knows tide hes had to have fought or at least seen the wards before, theres no way he would say yes to this if he knew thats who ashe was talking about) but gives him strict like. dont use your powers ever, curfews and check in texts and a code system and its a little Too Much but ashe is just. giddy at all of it because !! curfews are a thing Normal kids get!! he gets to go hang out with his friends without the looming threat of sneaking out to do it !!!

>> ashe starts using his powers anyway because his friends are capes and !!! he is also technically a cape!! he can help!!!! i think he starts out by beggingggg to go on patrol with them sometimes (i wont even do anything, i just want to see what its like, you guys know i have powers too i can handle myself, dont be like my dad etc etc) i think the wards are pretty reluctant to do that bc they know what its really like but. man. its ashe. he deserves Something. it becomes more frequent and serious and the prt handler tells them they should recruit him.

>> mark is sooooooo fucking against ashe joining the wards. because of course he is he has to be. ESPECIALLY considering. hey. hes a villain, working for one of the most notorious villains in the city, being put in a situation where he has to choose between fighting his son or losing overlords protection is a HUGE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO. (he would choose to say fuck overlord with no hesitation, no way he would even consider the other option, but he also knows what kind of consequences a choice like that would have)

>> hey. actually. that gives me an idea. what if thats exactly the scenario that leads up to the whole trickster thing. overlord wants to be proactive, launch an attack on the wards, they just got a dangerous new member lets go see what kind of powers theyve got. mark obviosuly refuses. overlord does not take being told no very kindly. hey what if this is how mark gets the lizard stuff. instead of getting it as a side effect mutation of his powers, he pisses off overlord, the guy who has a morbid fascination with animal human hybrids and genetic experimentation. ive solved everything!!!!!! (<< guy who is fucking insane. please imagine me with mad science hair and crazy eyes as i am saying this. dr. cross who?)

>> mark effectively goes missing while overlord has him captive, ashe is freaked out because his dad has never left without telling him first, but maybe it was an emergency or whatever... until his hard limit on jobs passes. its been over a week and no contact whatsoever. hes gone. ashe gets fucked up about this

>> mark is unconscious for the entire trickster thing. he was unmasked for the experimentation so when the heroes come to clean up the aftermath they dont recognize him as one of the villains (tide does. tide doesnt tell anyone) and take him to. a hospital rather than prison. he is fuuuucked up when he wakes up. gotta adjust to a WHOLE lot of freaky lizard things. hes kind of out of it, understandably, so nobody... tells him. its only a few days later, when mark is more lucid and can stand on his own two feet without losing balance, and when he can see properly again, tide visits him (tide has been visiting him the whole time, not that he'd remember it much, because who else will. who else will!) tide tells him ashe is missing. he breaks the news as gently as he possibly can because its gonna be a shitshow either way (he knows how mark is gonna react no matter what. waiting doesnt help either because then hes just pissed that he was lied to for days ("you coudlnt even stand, how was i supposed to tell you then?" "i dont know, i wouldve done something. he could be anywhere by now")

>> mark goes sooooo rogue. he goes so very rogue. hes literally got nothing to lose anymore. the wards try to work with him, try to help him, because theyre looking for ashe too, but he thinks theyre too slow, too good, too afraid to do things that actually need to be done. he goes too far and gets put in the birdcage.

>> i think he probably loses it a little bit in the birdcage. hardcore despair depression that turns into just this awful terrible rage. hes mad at himself for not being able to stop it, hes mad at ashe because this is what he WARNED him about for YEARS and if he only would have listened, hes mad at the world, hes mad at SIMURGH . all nhw mark winters knows is be so full of grief and rage at all times

>> breaks out of the birdcage (still insane abt this btw) and goes back on his. sort of rampage. the wards stop him (tide is. retired at this point. that happened while mark was in jail) and they try to talk some sense into him, maybe they get him to slow down just a little bit, enough to tell him what theyve learned (not much). mark and everyone else eventually learn about muse. mark winters worlds most miserable man is watching every single one of his nightmares play out in front of him and he realizes this is what simurgh marked them for. hes watching his son, unmasked, level a fucking town in some gaudy outfit he knows ashe would never wear and hes calling himself muse and thats not what his laugh sounds like and

>> okay im a little more fuzzy past this point. i said this mostly joking before but i DO think there should be a moment where. mark is up against muse and hes trying to talk to ashe like he did that first night to get him out of breaker state and ashe gets one lucid moment where he just starts crying and babbling about losing marks jacket and hes so sorry but that only lasts about 2 minutes before trickster gets control of him again. this is the catalyst for them realizing that yeah, ashe IS still in there and it might be possible to break him out .

>> god. all of that was plot and i didnt even talk about Little Things which are my favorite. heres a collection of Little Things:

>> i want him to keep his weird terrible lizard biology <3 maybe its not as smooth a transition as in canon, maybe hes just got the scales and the eye and not. the tail or infrared sense or whatever. but he Could. as a Treat for Me.

>> i actually... ironically think mark is a better dad in this au than he is in canon. like. dont get me wrong hes still awful and he sucks but. hes working with the knowledge here that no matter what he does he and ashe are still doomed and hes always waiting for the other shoe to drop and hes more scared and theres nothing he can do about it so. he makes more of an effort to Actually Care about his son. before overlord he never wouldve missed a birthday for anyhting. theyre all each other has.

>> that little bit of dialogue i typed up for mark earlier. stay here, be safe, dont be stupid. be safe, dont be stupid. he says that a lot, always in that order. enough that when ashe is with the wards sometimes he'll also say it. dakota "im going to pick up the pizza" ashe from the couch "be safe dont be stupid" (IMMEDIATE recoil as he thinks about it for more than a second because he has an oh god i sound like my dad moment. but everyone else finds it endearing)

>> THE COAT!!!!!!!! THECOAT. i think about the coat a lot. its just. a random one that ashe grabbed from the closet the first time he snuck out. but it was a good size, exactly as baggy as he likes, hey! he found old money in the pocket! so he just like. claims it as his own and neither of them ever say anything about it but its suuuuch. comfort clothing for ashe and he doesnt like thinking about why. it just is. he wears it EVERYWHERE all the time, its the one piece of clothing the rest of the wards never steal beacuse they know its important to him.

>> there is exactly one (1) surviving picture of ashes mom outside of their old house and its a crumpled polaroid mark had in his wallet from when ashe was a baby.

>> he will never admit this to himself or anyone else but. as much as mark is scared for ashe and scared for both of their safety and what it means for them to be simurgh victims... he is also scared OF ashe, even just subconsciously . he has nightmares about finding ashe that day, laughing. about what mightve happened if he wasnt able to break ashe out of that state. about what mightve happened if he had never gotten that text and continued on with the evac protocols. i need that blonde man to be fucking miserable

>> literally always thinking about your tidalwave post. never not thinking about your tidalwave post. i dont even have much to add here other than i really like nhw tidalwave a lot. the aftermath of the leviathan fight makes me crazy even if thats mostly one-sided on tides part.

>> his tinker specialty is power enhancement. he makes devices that make his and other peoples powers stronger or extend their range. the drawback is that the devices need to be Connected to the person using them in some way (thinking about the ports he has on his back in canon. his gauntlets clamp down on his forearms. overlord had him make each of the capes under his power something that enhances them too so theyve all got little. gadgets embedded in them somehow) (begs the question can he also make things that dampen powers? is this falling too far into Trump category?)

>> he got ashe his headphones as a birthday present when he was like... 15 . their fights had been getting more frequent as he had to be away from home more and ashe was fully in his angsty teen "i hate my dad" phase, but mark had been working w overlord for like a year at that point and money wasnt as much of an issue anymore so he got ashe like. the most high quality noise cancelling headphones he could possibly find.

okay i think thats all. its nearly 1am lmao!!!!!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi! I’ve been here a few times before asking about being bi vs pan and then about maybe not liking men romantically. You can call me heart anon (if that hasn’t already been used) because I use this ❤️❤️ emoji too much.

Ok, so I have a few things to say but I’m going to start off with, I think I’m Omnisexual? I thought I was bi at first. And then I considered pan. And then I sent you the ask and you suggested that I might be omni. I researched being omni but not throughly. And I decided that I was pan but I didnt feel right. Something just kept nagging me and I kept thinking about how you suggested that I might be omni. Pansexual kinda fit but not entirely but omni fits me. But some part of me is scared of identifying as Omnisexual because it’s such an obscure sexuality that I can’t fine more than 4 websites about. I spoke to my friend about it and her advise was basically: you’re young, you don’t have to think about this now. But I can’t stop thinking about this

And then there’s this other thing. I think my brother may be neurodivergent but I don’t know what to do about it? I don’t know how to describe it but I’ve always hand an inkling that he might be but now the “symptoms” see more pronounced. And it’s kinda causing problems with my parents. He’s annoying them but I’d not think he means to. I’ve tried to explain to them that he doesn’t mean to annoy them (without explicitly saying I think he’s neurodiverse) but they didn’t really do much. Just kinda changed the subject. My mother (she’s a doctor) brought up that shes considering that he might be neurodiverse but it was just a passing comment that she never expanded on. Obviously they don’t tell me everything. For all I know they both may be aware and doing something about this but what if they’re not? Should I do something?

And then with all of this I kinda feel like pressure to be the “perfect” child. Im the eldest of four and I love my siblings to pieces. But the thing is they all have “a down side” my brother - i think he’s neurodivergent, my sister has anger issues, and my youngest brother is a child so everything he does can be blamed on him being young. But because of this I feel like I have to make up for their “shortcomings”. I have to comfort my parents when they think they’re parenting badly (they are good parents but they have four children, jobs and life, it’s stressful for them), I look after the other whilst they’re at work. I know my parents don’t expect me to do this and Extremly often I will hide away somewhere and read so I can focus on the characters problems instead of mine. Bit is till feel like I should be there. And I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I’m like listening to music whilst I help my mother because I’m not entirely present.

Idk. This is a lot and tbh they’re not really pressing problems. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t made up my mind about what my sexuality is. Im sure my parents wild so something about my brother if it was a pressing issue. And I’m aware that I don’t have to be the perfect daughter. But it felt good to write all of this down. ❤️❤️❤️

Hi! <3

You have a lot going on <3 <3 let's talk about one thing at a time, okay?

As far as your sexuality, I don't think there's anything wrong with identifying as omnisexual. Because here's the thing- if you're right, then you're right. So HA to everyone else. And if you're wrong? Well, I was wrong about my sexuality for years. a lot of people are. Nothing wrong with that either! The only thing your friend said that has merit is like...you ARE young. But not in a sense that this doesn't matter. Your identity DOES matter. But in a sense that you're young and you're still learning about yourself, and it's okay to try out using different labels for yourself and change your mind. Don't pressure yourself to know everything about you. Because trust me, you're going to continue to surprise yourself.

With your brother...I hate to say this, because I have such a parental instinct with my own brothers...but your brother is not your responsibility. Your parents need to step up and help him, if he is neurodivergent. It's not your job to stand up for him or advocate for him like that. It's a lot to put on your plate, especially when you are young. As a sibling, you can support your brother by loving him as he is, and talking to him or helping him through whatever he's dealing with. But it's not your job to fight for him.

And the last part, about needing to be the 'perfect' child. Fuck, I feel that. But it's not fair to have to feel that way. You deserve to make your own mistakes. Also, you didn't volunteer to have children, and your siblings are not your children to care for. Your parents are parentifying you, and it's super common with oldest siblings. You're being used as another parent, essentially. Which is NOT okay. I'm not saying your parents are bad, or even doing it intentionally, but please don't add onto those expectations by putting them onto yourself. You do NOT need to comfort your parents. You do NOT need to parent your siblings. You are still a kid, and you have every right to act like one. Remind yourself of that.

If you ever need to talk about any of this, I'm here! It's a lot, and it helps to talk about it! (also your problems are important, stop trivializing them.)

<3 <3 <3

[spacedlexi]

At first I was mixed about Lily's return but the more I think about the more it feels right.

Lily is cursed.

She is the woman in the comics that kills Lorie and her baby at the prison before snapping and killing the Governor.

She always follows people that in some twisted way remind her of her dad and in the end helps bring the end of whatever group she is apart of.

The Delta lost so many in Lily's attempt to get the kids all because of one she knew from so long ago. One from the first group she destroyed.

im gonna be honest when i say i ... really never understood all the hang ups people had about lily returning to fill the villain role for s4

like lily returning in s4 makes more sense to me than kenny returning in s2 im gonna be real with you all. lily was at worst left on the side of the road and at best had her own rv at least she wasnt left for dead in a walker infested alleyway. personally i was hoping for a christa return (because i dont want to admit she really died 💀 no body=no death) but lily made enough sense to me and i was excited by her reveal

clem knew lily at the beginning of the outbreak. before 8 years of it turned them into different people. clem isnt the scared little girl she used to be. shes grown up into an extremely capable fighter. and while lily at the beginning of the outbreak seemed like a tired woman trying to keep it together, but also felt the need to take charge and didnt like being questioned (who also cared too much about her awful father but we get more insight into that in s4), by s4 shes lost any shred of kindness she mightve had left. she was military before the outbreak and now given a position of power rules through fear and an iron fist (just like her father). but there are moments between her and clem where we can see just a Glimpse of that old lily ("we were family once..."). but all of that goes away once she realizes that clem is a genuine threat now. and lily recognizes that clem would be a perfect soldier if she can just break her the way she herself was broken so long ago. and if she cant break clem then she'll break aj instead

and then we have the lee element. lily is the Only other person left from that first group at the motel (she did not destroy that group btw ben did like cmon now and ben Keeps destroying it after lily isnt even around anymore). and while shes wrong to say she knew lee better than clem ever did, lee and lily (and kenny) were group leaders together while clem was eating her apple and coloring with chalk. like the adults were speaking. and depending on how you played s1 lee could have a decent relationship with lily. lily being able to sow those seeds of doubt in s4 clems head is just fun mind games

they have History. clem still wears the hair ties lily gave her all the way back in s1. she helped take care of clem for a time. looked out for her. and in a different universe clem Easily couldve ended up standing in minnies shoes instead

also in regards to the delta we Know they dont really want to be kidnapping kids to fight in a war that would probably kill most of them in the first 5 minutes. if they had the adults to be fighting instead they would be. it just shows us how dire the deltas situation really is. they were just expecting to find a bunch of kids for easy picking but clem turned them all into skilled enough fighters to successfully kill a few of them and raid their boat. clem is a big enough win that it doesnt even matter how skilled the rest of the kids are. plus lily was just leading the excursion. we dont know how high up the ladder she really was and how much power she really held. maybe she had something to prove back at the delta (my one real gripe is that we didnt get to actually See the delta. in my perfect world there were 5 episodes and ep 4 was about the delta 😔)

both lily and clem are just trying to save their communities. the difference is lily wants to uphold the status quo of fear and force and war, and clem is trying to build a safe community thats different from the many shes seen. she and the rest of the kids just want to carve out their own little safe haven in this dangerous and unforgiving world. they make a place truly worth fighting for

clem getting some form of closure with lily i feel might get to help her close the book so to speak on her history up until this point. clem has been fighting for so long... but she has a new home now. a new community. she can Chill a little bit. shes gonna grow into such an incredible leader 😭 (not that she isnt already 😭)

[pfft-me]

Rise Leo x Female Reader

So Im back at it again with the one shot. Again I chose to go with female reader, but i can also do gn and male readers. Again forgive me for any ooc in regards to Leo. I had also written this at like 2 am. I also have a headcannon that the turtles like to bite. Like at random times their gums start hurting so they usually have matching chew toys. I also picture reader as a diamondback terrapin.

April

Leo

Draxum

I hid under my sheet in the comfort of my dark and cool room. I hadnt seen the outside world for some time, though its not like I can anyways. After a butched mission with the boys I hadnt even thought of anything else but hiding. We had been fighting Draxum for what feels like 100th time, and he had gone to attack April. I pushed her out of the way and was caught instead of her. The gang was threatening Draxum but apparently he didnt care as usual and injected me with some ooze. All I remember was gagging because I could feel the stuff go through my blood stream. Draxum had been cackling but stopped because I hadnt mutated like he wanted.

"What, why arent you mutated?"

I shrugged "maybe you had bad ooze" Raph and Leo then start to beat up Draxum for touching me. I suddenly felt sick and didnt want to be there. "April take me home!" I whined as she pat my back.

"Hey babe are you ok?" Leo touched my shoulder triggering something in me. I pushed him away and started feeling dizzy "Babe?"

I fell unconscious after that and woke up in bed. I knew I was different. I could physically tell that I was and with some knowledge of how the ooze works thanks to Donnie. I mustve been mutaed to a turtle. I thrash and turn in bed not wanting to be awake, but alas my stomach betrayed me. I sat up letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I grab my phone wincing as it turned on. The screen was full of messages from the boys and april. Along with some other friends and family. I just scrolled through the messages not bothering to answer since I wasnt in the mood. I walked into my living room, flicking on the small fairy lights around the room. It was more comforting than the actual light. A new message popped in from Leo asking if he could come over. I sighed sending him a quick "sure, bring food" I quickly call up April hoping to feel a bit better.

"Hey girl! Its been a while are you ok?"

"Ive, ive been better" i spoke softly. My throat hurt a bit and my body was overall sore. "Did you bring me home?"

"Yeah I did, and no i havent seen you since then, also did you mutate?" I nodded but realized she wouldnt see me. "Ill take that as a yes. Nami do you think you can look in a mirror?"

"I dont want to. Im scared. Shit Leo is coming over, April what do I do?! Hes gonna freak out!" I started panicking.

"Hey, hey, hey, he loves you! No matter what you look like and I mean you did fall for him and hes also a turtle" she laughed causing me to chuckle. A knock came from my window alerting me that he was here.

"I have to go, thank you"

"Anytime!" With that we hung up.

The knocks came again and my name was faintly spoken. I took a deep breath and walking into my still dark room. The fairy lights in the living room gave it a small glow just enough for me to see. I peek through the curtains a bit and there Leo was. He held some italian food making me smile. I slowly opened the curtain, letting him in, but hid behind the cloth.

"Babe what wrong? Why is it so dark in here?" He walked into the kitchen, quickly putting the food down on the counter. I walked up to the door frame my body still partially hidden. "Nami?"

"I, you, you love me right?"

He quirked his non existent eyebrow "of course I do. Come here and eat" he motioned with his hand for me to come closer.

"Leo, im not the same"

"Uh clearly," i winced a bit at his sarcastic remark. He noticed me pulling back into the room and sighed. He walked over placing his hands on my shoulders, then slid them down my arms, causing me to shiver. He took my hands into his and kissed them. "Im sorry," i blinked at him "im sorry I couldnt stop Drax from doing this to you. I know that this change is huge and you wont have a normal life anymore. Youll have to go into hiding like the rest of us and if im being honest. I couldnt stop feeling guilty. When you pushed me away I knew i triggered the mutation. Im so so sorry. I sometimes think about how i shouldve never asked you to be mine"

I pull my hands away and grip his biceps "dont you ever say that! Dont you ever wish anything but for us to be together! I love you! You love me! Something like this isnt gonna change that. Sure my body is sore as hell and i really need to bite something, but that besides the point" leo smiles at my last comment. "Actually seriously why do i have the need to bite so bad right now" i massage my jaw a bit.

He laughed and pulled out a green chew toy. I look at him unimpressed "it happens more than you think. We each have one and I thought youll may need one too. Why do you think I always bite your shoulder?"

I took the toy from him and bit into it. I hummed and continued to bite it as Leo pulled me into the kitchen. He pulled me into a hug as I happily chewed on the toy. "Youre so cute oh Mi gosh and look at your shell, so beautiful!" He brushed his hand against my shell causing me to pull away. "Oops"

"It super sensitive, even more so now dang it!" I pulled some pasta out of the bag and dug into it.

"Hey that means you can now train with us sometimes. We can help you get used to being totally awesome like moi" he flipped his non existent hair.

"Imma speak with Donnie first"

He groaned "my not so awesome brother? Why?"

I shrugg "just to do a quick physical"

"Hey! Im the medic in the family let me do the physical" he laid his head on my shoulder

I giggled "you get too physical if you know what i mean" i fed him some pasta and watched he ate it with a pout. He hummed then remained quiet as I occasionally would feed him. I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my head. I felt him shift a bit to kiss my neck, causing me to flinch. "Yes?"

"Nothing, youre just really beautiful" if i were human i wouldve been flushed red, but I guess having green skin helps with that. "Can we just cuddle? I dont want to share you just yet" he wrapped his arms around my waist. "Aw honey youre so small"

"Shut up Leon, lemme eat" i moved on to the next dish. "I will bite you"

"Ooh please do, ouch" i bit down on his shoulder , of course not super hard, but just enough to quench my need. "Oh its not that bad" he then preceeded to bite my shoulder. I shivered letting out a weird rumble.

"What was that?" Leo bit me again and the sensation happened once again "leo stop tell me"

He laughed "its an equivalent to a cat purr when theyre happy or well needy" he smirked at me and I just shoved his face away "hey come on~ Im educating you here"

"Teachers don't flirt with students" i stuck my tongue at him.

"But boyfriends do flirt with their girlfriends" he kissed my cheek.

"you are being needy and touchy. Whats up?" I look at him with worried eyes.

He just shrugged "i havent seen you in a while. I just miss having you around is all. I love you a lot"

I smiled softly, pecking his beak. "You are such a loving turtle~ How could i ask for anything more?"

"Of course im the best turtle, strongest hero, dashing brother, loving boyfriend, and-"

"Greatest champion. My champion" he flushed red hiding hia face into my neck causing me to chuckle "never change Leo, never change.

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.

[florenceisfalling]

gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

[schizopositivity]

i have occassional bouts of catatonia (akinetic and excited) and i've never really met anyone else with it. would you be interested in talking more about what's it's been like for you?

if not, then i hope you have a good day/night regardless. also i love your blog. it's comforting and informative ^_^

aw thank you! and yay i love hearing about people with lived experience of catatonia cause its so hard to find people talk about what it feels like so im happy to share!

so all but one of my catatonic experiences happened before i was diagnosed or medicated for schizophrenia, and was a teenager, and was living with my immigrant mom who has very little understanding of schizophrenia (besides her horrible father) so she legit didnt know what to do with me at these times. i dont blame her for not knowing but this is just a disclaimer as to why she handled certain things the way she did.

there were a few times (maybe around 10) where i was left alone, saw a bunch of hallucinations and then conciously "woke up" (usually i was hiding under a table) to my mom yelling at me to move. and then i was just stuck. i couldnt move at all even tho i wanted to and was told to. she was usually freaking out herself and super worried about me. she thought i was "faking it" and would demand that i stop. obviously this didnt help my situation at all, all i wanted was to move and show her i could atleast act okay, but i couldnt. i would usually black out what had led up to me hiding under the table so i couldnt even explain this if i wanted to. i dont really remember how all of these situations resolved, just that it was very stressful and i would try to move any lil muscle but couldnt. i dont really know what would help in these situations, just that she probably shouldve gotten me professional help.

another memorable moment of catatonia for me kinda is hard for me to personally destinguish from some sort of dissociation just because i was in and out of conciousness. but what i do remember was me being in the passengers seat while my mom was driving and kinda bashing around and yelling and feeling like i had no control over those actions. my mom, being scared that i would hurt myself or her, couldnt think of anything to help besides forcing sleeping pills down my throat, which eventually knocked me out. in that moment i think i shouldve been taken to a hospital.

the most recent time ive experienced catatonia is the one i remember most clearly because i was already diagnosed at the time and on antipsychotics. i wasnt home alone, but i was alone in the room i was in. i dont rememeber what led up to it but i had a panic attack that left me sitting strangley on the floor. from there my breathing suddenly slowed down and i couldnt move at all. i felt compeltely stuck no matter what i did. i wanted to move so badly, i wanted to yell to the other people in the house to help me, but i couldnt. i felt stiff and uncomfortable, and in the moment it felt like id be stuck like that forever. after some time that felt very long had passed, and i had attempted to move every muscle i had, i was able to bend my elbow. so i did that over and over to try to get someones attention but it didnt work. i probably looked so "out of it" like i had drool and snot hanging down and was bending my elbow and extending it nonstop but i was fully aware of what i was doing and how i looked, i just couldnt do anything about it. after more time had passed i started moving my fingers and toes and everything else came after that. idk what wouldve helped in this situation since it did pass eventually, maybe just someone there to be with me and tell me it was going to be okay.

im no expert on catatonia i just have my experiences. its generally said that you should make sure the persons airways are clear and that they are in a confortable position and not close to any dangerous objects. its also said that you should take the person to the hospital, and for me i dont think thats needed. id just like someone i trust to be there and tell me its okay, to time it to see if it lasts longer than an hour than i should go to a hospital, and maybe try to move my limbs around to see if that would help.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

also thats one thing? theyre never 'just dreams' for me. its always some shit!!!! reliving trauma thru my sleep, give me a fucking breakkk

like all those times id wake up paranoid after dreaming my moms bf was gonna come back and kill us like he said, that shit was so frequent, you can imagine how. vacant i was when she said he was coming back

my least favorite thing is the dreams im weak in. when im overpowered and abused, when my voice isnt loud enough and no one listens when i scream for them to stop. it makes me feel so PATHETIC. nothing is worse than when its over and i have to pick myself up and i just feel so.. defeated. i hate feeling that way

dont miss when id wake up shaking from dreams with brian in em, i dreamed he hated me and wanted to come hurt me and i was scared and hiding from him. and then i had the same dream AGAIN except he came to apologize to me and. the whiplash was insane

or how id avoid him cuz i thought he hated me but he was always THERE in my head and i. was so.. drawn in, so allured. cuz thats what that sort of thing does. it fucks with yr head, makes bad touch feel good. makes bad people seem irresistible. cuz i mean.. if you got them, then you deserved it right? i deserved to be tormented like that! so i might as well accept what im given. thats why people who are abused are so likely to be abused again, yr brain associated that behavior with comfort cuz its just what yr used to. its sad, but.. its how it is

i still fucking hate how his response to me telling im like hey. you made me unwell can you maybe apologize or at least take some kind of accountability? and he said that i was abused in the past, so it was THEM who fucked me up, couldnt possibly have been him. kys!!!! and i hate that i dream of him, i hate that in my dreams we're together and i see the best in him and he loves me, i dont want his love!!! he didnt even see me as a man, he said i was still the same so he liked me (cuz what he liked was between my legs)

it felt good to be wanted. but it also felt so horrible.. it makes my chest heavy just thinking about it. i hate that despite how bad it hurt me, a part of me misses it. i wont blame myself, its psychology, but. still sucks

hate the way my brain is so tempted to just find the worst person possible and let them hurt me like i need them too, cuz ive never known a good relationship. not one that wasnt predatory, manipulative, etc. EXHAUSTING! but i have to remember that i cant do that, no matter how loud that worm in my brain gets. i dont want to be hurt again!!!!! i have to keep myself safe no matter how easy it seems to fall back on it

[audible--silence]

I could talk the leg off a chair

“Ive seen more life in a morgue” - cbh on jan 26

Cant even afford my own midlife crisis

What should I do? Comes the deep down question.

“Whatever you want “

“Something noble”* out of easy reach

“Kill your self”

Come the answers

The latter still scares me

I never get used to it

I feel like im always waiting for the worst to hit

The best never comes

But neither does the worst

Yet im still here breathing

Unsure on what to do next

Just when I started to get used to it.

The luxury of close friends.

The type that you get to see

The ones you see week to week and face to face.

The ones you feel like yourself with.

The ones you never have to miss.

The feeling of home

The luxury of knowing the crowd

The power of being known.

To stare down the barrel of leaving it all again is suddenly more daunting than it used to be. To stare down everything you know and love and say “I’ll catch up with you again” is suddenly ambitious for i worry this time, maybe I’ll be left behind by them

“You didnt walk, you just floated”

“We dont see eye to eye, but we see eye to eye about it”

Night night sleep tight dont let the existential dreadbugs bite

The last lesson Jimmy might’ve taught me is that no matter how shit it gets, no matter how awful your life turns, no matter how much you abuse your body in the name of fun, no matter how alone you feel, despite your family or friends, you can take yourself out of this life at any moment you choose

“Who ordered a yappachino”

“You’re a social terrorist”

“You look like thd loading screen character “

“I see people for who they are. Minorities.”

“He’s a great bloke when he’s asleep”

I heard stories a plenty of people who had no purpose and then later found one and felt reinvigorated with life. More uncommon is going the other way and finding yourself losing the passion and love you previously had for life. To realize that you don’t find much enjoyment in anything much in particular after previously

To feel alive is to stand upon a volcano and be in awe of the sight before you.

To surf a wave you didnt think youd make

To score a goal you didnt think youd kick

To snag a photo you couldn’t have imagined

When you take a bite of something delicious that you wouldn’t ordinarily pick.

To meet someone with a smile so sweet and a soul so warm and a heart to match the two

These are what i will spend my life chasing

Not money

Not dreams

Just moments of pure and undeniable joy and love of life

“They make drinking somewhere between a pastime and a competitive sport”

Mind like a diamond, tongue like a chainsaw

In one day i feel more at home and comfortable in someone else’s family dinner than at my own. I am a stranger in my family, devoid of love and understanding and ripe with sharpened knives and guards up. I find myself swimming in melancholy as i sit in the living room as an observer to their chaotic and loving raucous. They’re obviously tapped. But they love each other and accept their differences.

Theres a joy in the room that i dream off and will never experience.

That love you only find in family.

Its easy to forget it exists when you haven’t experienced it and dont see it often so to then stare it in the face, knowing the abundance of joy these guys experience is not isolated to a unique moment and to know that they all grew up and will continue to grow up with this as their family experience makes me long for something i never had.

“$120 for therapy. Thats like 12 bubbleteas and i think that will make me far happier”

The problem with loving a lot of things is that we’ll always be satisfied and never be content

Feels weird to be getting to the age where people stop telling you “you’re young! You have time!”

“Everyone raise your glasses… buffalo”

All cap no god

The older i get, the more acutely aware that what I have with my friends, this army of extended mates and small circle of incredibly close mates, is really not normal

“She steps in the shit by putting her foot in her own mouth”

One day you’re stealing showers from a caravan park while living out of your car by the beach and the next you’re paycheck to paycheck with sensodyne toothpaste and a sore back

“Till death does it’s part”

“On a never ending quest to put holes into the bottom of my vans”

“Put a burrata on a mouse trap”

Plodding along happily in existential terror haha

Its like putting out a fire with a bandaid.

My desire to never be bored has made me boring. Its impossible to have an interesting thought when your brain craves constant distraction

“I am aggressive! I give bad reviews to airbnbs n shit”

The city as a dreamer is an thrilling and miserable experience. Every new face is a chance to connect. Everyone could be someone. Everyone could be the one. Sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation only to walk home by your lonesome again and again knowing the chances are out there somewhere but yet again, you failed to find them today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe you’ll change.

“Bros tryna gaslight me into thinkin hes funny”

If the body keeps the score, mines lost count

[black-rosewolf66]

Am i really a bad person? I mean i dont heal others anymore…but atleast i dont hurt them…i still try to be respectfull but at the same time be honest….i still help others it just not that big of a deal….but when do we know if someone is bad? Arent we a little bit to greedy? I mean just because someone doesnt help us that doesnt make the other a bad person…we should apreciatte that the other person isnt forcing himself/herself/itself…when my developed feelings for my best friend and i confessed she took pitty on me and i didnt see that…i was blind to it i thought she just realized that she likes me too or that she gained confidence to accept it because of me…but after a little time of feeling like she hates it…and getting confused and hurted…i realized she maybe forced herself she likes to help others and does everything so others will be happy and they will love her…so i gathered the courage and asked her…are you forcing yourself to be with me…and when she answered no…i asked her to then hold my hand kiss me lets do something other than bathing together than going on dates than teasing eachother sexually….and when she hesitated i knew everything i needed…i still dont know why she is jelous when i sleep with others…maybe shes scared that she will lose her best friend…but its not love…its not the love i feel and i told her that too…but i told her that if she wishes i can get back with her anytime…because i will never let my feelings for her go…i cant…than we went on a little separate time so i could test if she wants me back…it was close to new year and we never spent it alone…but that year because she still didnt call or write to me i decided that iwill hive her a little bit more time but then…i made a bad decision i went to a suspicious party…and bad things happened after trusting someone…and being naive…so after that bad thing i felt so filthy that i just wanted to crawle into a hole….i knew that she will ask about the new year…and i dint feel like speaking or remembering it yet…so i avoided everyone for a moth and after that she was so mad that i didnt call her for help….we knew that i wouldnt have never in life…i dont even regret not calling her….because i wouldnt want her to go there and get into truble as i did i wasnt a virgin anymore so it kinda didnt matter….but she is and she is a hopeless romantic so i dont regret not calling her there to help me…but she didnt understand it and we can never forget it…it did leave a wound in her and in our friendship…she forced herself withouth telling me so she wasnt honest…i forced myself to stay silent so i wasnt honest…so we arent honest anymore it takes a lot of alcohol to get her to open up to me so i can get her to relax and tell me the things she is trubled by so she doesnt bottle her emotions up…because it will hurt her more…and it takes a lot of time for me to relax and tell my feeling especially if its about my needs…and im more sensitive about these stuffs now…i dont wanna hurt her because she is the only human besides me who tolerates me…

[ghost-of-the-machine]

yesterday my mom asked me if she could do anything to just.. improve my quality of life, if i was content, if she could make me happier. i didnt say anything besides maybe, because it was sudden to me, she was just trying to show me the cat doing something funny and we just brushed past it.. so i dont know if she meant it or not, maybe it was just anecdotal

does she really care? maybe she took that moment to just get it off her chest, maybe shes starting to believe im really not living my best life.. maybe she knows that i want to live too. i need help, it always felt so unfair to me that she just kinda .. shes never really truly been accepting of my transition, she told me before that no matter what ill always be her daughter, and i got mad, i asked her why she only loved me based on a gender i dont even identify with? why cant she just love me? me as in. the person i am, why doesnt she love that thing? gender aside, am i not enough for you? you need to cling to a label to find any worth in me, like im nothing if not yr daughter

would she really be receptive? like, could i sit her down and tell her hey! i know what you think of me, but are you willing to believe that what you think isnt true? you think i want to stay trapped in this house all the time? i dont, i want to be outside.. i want to live on this planet i was born on, i want to be out and i wanna go do things, i want something

if i told her what i wanted, would she really help? maybe its her way of asking, maybe shes changing her mind.. but its so humiliating to hope like that, yknow? its just the worst

i think she just wouldnt believe me. if i told her hey! i know this really cool way we can improve my quality of life 😼😼 for like. the rest of it even!! its funny cuz they all know i have a problem, but they just dance around it all the time. my grandma thinks it wont FIX my problems, as if my problems arent based on that ? i dont care if im ugly, i dont care if im fat, if im weird. as long as im a man ill be happy, ill be a little less scared to leave my house

[words-for-holland]

Always Yours

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Sometimes dating a celebrity is hard...but Tom & Y/N have always said no matter what happens they could get through anything. Some angst but a lot of fluff.

A/N: So sorry for leaving yall hanging! Life is just crazy right now and this blog needs a lot of TLC tbh!! Also ehh I def dont think this was my best work but enjoy?

“Oof” Y/N lets out as she plops on to her boyfriend who was lying comfortable on the couch. Tom groaned at the impact with a cheeky smile on his face, his arms instantly wrapping around Y/N’s frame.

“Y’know..there are empty seats right there.” The soft brown-eyed boy gestured with the flick of his thick head as Y/N raises her eyes looking down at him, pretending to be slightly offended.

“Oh I see how it is then. It’s cool...Ill just cuddle with Tessa instead. I know she would welcome me with open arms instead of—” As she slowly starts getting off his chest, Tom is quick to pull her back in, securing her with his strong arms. “No baby, I was just kidding. I want you right here, and Im never letting you go.” he pleas.

The only thing Y/N could manage was letting out a fit of giggles into his chest, a sound that Tom adored and would do absolutely anything to hear every minute of every day. They stay like this for a while enjoying the feeling of each other as they both run their hands into each others hair, the feeling of their chests moving up and down, the subtle thumps of their heartbeats, and the little slips of adoration that came out of their mouths. It was peaceful. A moment that nobody could really take a way because it was theirs.

Y/N casually pulls up her phone, and scrolls through Twitter when she noticed a particular tweet on her timeline. Her eyebrows furrow, as she read the 160 character message.

Why Tom Holland Should Be With Aaliyah Cole and Dump Y/N: A Thread.

She knew it wasnt a good idea to open up the thread. She knew very well that everything within the shallow string of tweets would be a complete waste of her time because it was made up by fans who just wanted to satisfy their fantasy of shipping Tom with his co-star. Who can blame them? They always had great chemistry, but it was part of the job and thats all it would ever be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Tom murmurs, as he places soft kisses at the crown of her head. “Whats going on?” She was lucky her phone was facing away from Tom, quickly closing the app and pretending to be on one of her many tabs in Safari.

“Mmm..nothing.” Y/N lies softly, a tight-lipped smiled plastered on her face.

“Absolute bullocks. Youre not a very good liar.” He chuckles. “Tell me darling. Whats on your mind?”

Y/N rolls her eyes in response. She’s heard that comment one too many times in her life from everyone shes known. After not giving it much thought, she gives in, sighing heavily. “Dont judge me for what Im about to say.”

“Mmm...I think it might depend on wha— Ow” Tom reacts as he playfully rubs the side of his chest that Y/N hit. “Okay too soon for jokes. Go on.”

Again, Y/N sighs as she props herself up. “Its just ... well a lot of your fans keeps talking about wanting you to get with Aaliyah.” She looks down trying not to make eye contact with Tom, who she’d imagine was looking at her with annoyance.

Tom rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness. Not so much at Y/N but the fact that some of his fans just didnt want to accept the fact that he was happy with Y/N. If it had to come from his mouth to stop the stupid rumors and give his girlfriend peace, then hed gladly yell it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. “Thats it Im making a statement about it.”

Y/N’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to prevent him from grabbing his phone on the table next him. “No no no no.” She repeatedly declines. “You’ll only make it worse.”

“Darling, Im not going to stand here and watch you get all insecure because of their delusional ship.”

“Yeah well Im not gonna be the reason your fans hate me because Im getting in the way of your friendship with Aaliyah Cole.” She fires back.

Tom was ready to open his mouth only to be cut off once again. “And you know better. That is how your fans will always see it.”

“Okay, are you done?” He calmly asked, cautiously observing her. Rarely did Y/N ever get worked up about anything, but when she had her tangents, Tom always made sure she got off everything she needed to say before he becomes her voice of reason.

“Yeah, I guess.” she says feeling defeated. “Look its whatever and Im tired, can we just let this go and forget this whole conversation even happened?”

Tom was unconvinced, but didnt want to push her further. So reluctantly, he gave in and wrapped his arms around Y/N as they both tried to lull themselves to sleep.

***

Y/N wasnt sure how she ended up in the Tube. It was strange how the lights flickered off the rusted tile floor. The train was no where to be seen, but off to the side of the railroads was pitch black, she could hardly see beyond. To her right she noticed herself standing in the corner of the room, and to her surprise Aaliyah was there. Her milk chocolate kissed skin, and fashionably long frizzy hair dropped down past her shoulders. Her figure long and poised, as she wore a rain jacket and sweats. An outfit only she could pull off and make it look like she was a model for Vogue. Aasliyah smiles brightly at Y/N.

“Hey Y/N.” She says cheerfully as a genuine friend would.

To Y/N’s surprise she greeted her back in the same tone. “Hey Aaliyah...uhh whats going on?” Y/N wasnt sure if she wanted the answer of how they both ended up in the Tube or if she truly wanted to know how her day went.

“Well Im getting ready to present at the Oscars.” She replies, a smile plastered as if she was so excited about it, almost too excited like she was keeping a secret.

“Really? Oh my god, that’s amazing! Im so proud of you Aaliyah! Who are you taking?”

Aaliyah pauses for a few moment looking back and forth, making sure no one else was around. “Okay can you keep a secret?” She whispered.

Y/N nods her head slowly, not having the slightest clue of what was going on. “Im taking Tom. I think he really likes me, and well...I like him too! Do you think maybe I should ask him when we go?” Aaliyah asked genuinely. It was almost like she had no recollection of Y/N and Tom being a couple. “I think we would look good together. Everyone is already making rumors and ships about us.”

Y/N backs aways lowly only to bump into a broad figure. As she turns around she sees Tom, emotionless and almost sad. “Y/N.” He speaks out. “I dont think this is going to work out. Im leaving you.”

Y/N’s heart quickens, and her breaths become shorter as she tries to find a way to run. Running and running into the darkness, until all she could hear was Tom’s faint voice calling out her name.

***

“Y/N! Y/N! Baby wake up please.” Tom cries as he gently shakes his girlfriend from her disturbed sleep.

Quickly Y/N opens her eyes and clutches on to Toms hoodie firmly. Back home, and in Toms arms. It was a dream was all she thought. A sigh of relief escaping from her mouth.

“Darling...” he speaks softly, worried about his girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looks up at him and nods frantically. “Mmm..bad dream.”

“Yeah it seemed like it. You were so frightened...I was scared. What happened?” He’s looking at her, trying to read her saddened eyes, wanting to desperately understand what scared her so he could make it all go away for her.

Y/N looks down at her fiddling hands, as she sits on the couch. “I uhh...” she lets out a chuckle, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. “I uhh...dreamed about Aaliyah going to the oscars and saying how she loved you and how you two are perfect for each other. When I turned around I saw you but you werent happy and said you were leaving me.”

Tom doesnt say a word, all he could think about was how sorry he felt to put Y/N in this position. Though both of them knew, It wasnt Toms fault, or anyone’s for that matter. Feelings are feelings and that was okay. No human being was ever born perfect and without insecurities.

Y/N always tried to be a good sport with situations like this knowing every shippers theory and evidence were hardly ever true, but at some point there was only so much she could take before it all came out like an oil spill. Maybe it was a sign that she wasnt good enough to be with Tom if half of his fanbase thought this way as well.

Tom cradled her into his arms again, holding her tightly and kissing the top of her head. “Darling, I know youre still doubting yourself about all of this, but please believe me when I tell you that I love you so so much and no matter what happens...Im always yours.” He whispers gently in her ear. “It was only a dream and these ridiculous rumors and theories are just that. No one woman in the world could ever make me feel the way I feel for you.”

Y/N blinks softly, as she stares into space. Afraid and in a weird way ashamed, its funny how something so small and so minimal could affect her self-esteem so greatly. Tom gently brings her head up, so her eyes can meet his. He rolls his thumb on the bottom of her soft lips. “Hey, I love you.” Tom smiles.

Time stopped for the both of them the moment Y/N looked into his eyes, she felt safe. All the bad words and thoughts slowly disappear. Tom was right, none of the things that anyone said about their relationship mattered. She knew Tom loved her, and how much she truly loved him. Isnt that enough? Of course not. It was more than enough. A smile slowly forming on Y/N’s face. “Theres that smile I love so much.” He comments.

“Im sorry, for being such a —”

“No. Its okay. You have a right to feel the way you did.” He picks up her hand and leaves a gentle kiss.

“I love you so much Tom.” She says pressing her lips to his. “I dont deserve you.”

“Darling, its me that doesnt deserve you. Im always yours.” Tom proclaims as he kisses her back.